My in laws were banned from their local Italian takeout place. I found it gratifying that the restaurant stood up for themselves. My in-laws have to ask their sons or housekeeper to order the food for them whenever they want Italian food, which means they have to be patient and can't yell at anyone. It makes me smile 😊
I'm surprised she likes those remarks as they could be construed as societal problematic / causation / neglectful government rather than this ridiculous money tree idea she has stretched out in a torture chamber. Such does suit neglectful government who socially engineer people blame each other for the govs mismanagement of our systems.
Can be. But most narcissists are developed from neglect and abuse. They develop such an extreme protective side that they prioritize themselves as the most important. This is why many with NPD have offspring with NPD, especially if other family doesn't step in. Or their kids become pushover people-pleasers to the other extreme.
"I'm just being brutally honest." Oh, the number of times I heard that growing up! And the follow-up: "You're too sensitive." And the RAGE if you point out their meanness. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for describing this. It helps A LOT.
I can relate to this with my family too. It’s so messed up. I barely want to be around them anymore sadly:( Heartbreaking to realize, but grateful for this community support and learning that our well being matters too. ❤
Yes. A little tact wouldn't go amiss. Oh yeah, and if you give criticism you have to be able to take it too. Otherwise, think before you speak. Narcissistic people don't do that.
Even the most "brutally honest" autistic person will feel bad for others if what they say hurts them, although they may not know why others are hurt. Narcissistic folks are not brutally honest, they are just brutal in the sense they either don't care, or are purpousely trying to cause harm; because they are quite capable of inhibiting themselves when it suits their wants and needs. And this is one of the reasons that I, as ASD person, dislike pop culture characters as Sheldon Cooper, Dr. House or Sherlock a lot; because they create and popularize the idea that some people are "too honest", "too smart" or "too important" to understand or care to understand how others feel; which is never the case in reality. But narcissistic people will jump on that wagon in a heartbeat.
When we tell children to ignore all the bad things they witness, we undermine their sense of judgement and discernment (they are less likely to trust their own judgment) which in turn increases vulnerability in bad relationships
Same here.. I was the truth teller of my family hence the target of the narcissist in the family.. All others simply enable the narcissist by praising her and supporting her shamelessly making her entitled more and more without facing any consequences. She is turning worse and I am fighting it alone without my useless family who does not know what's the value of a family if they support the wrongdoer even after knowing that she is abusing me badly.
So these are the basic building blocks of entry level human decency social skills. A certain amount of skill in relationships comes with time but if you meet someone who doesn’t even seem to come with the above 5 “starter pack” of human decency skills…run…
Many others too. In fact as they get to know you better that list tends to grow as time goes on. Down to the very superficial like what your favorite color is. Dare to reveal your ideas on a color scheme is risking then being yelled at for never being able to do anything right. No wonder some people spend money to hire an interior decorator. Well worth the money while protecting your delicate hearing. Whereupon some of the narcissists who are determined to remain who they are will then after starting to believe they know everything about both your present and what your future will be then will false accuse you of being only a complete fake. Always seeing things while forgetting what they themselves often look like after leaving the mirror when combing their own hair or whatever. Like when practicing their speech to give at some military assembly. Hitler and Musolini did that so well. G_d forbid that I ever end up becoming like the same breed of cat so to speak. The same breed of cat someone once told me belongs as only an epitath for all from the opposite sex. Needless to say I sure did flee from that person;s presence once too as fast as I could. While she was following all of the rules there. Only on the outside. Narcissists seem to be among us wherever we go.
I had a toxic friend who also was a bit OCD. For some reason my outfit bothered her. I’m tall, and my suit was slightly short on me. This particular day, I felt crappy. She and I went out to dinner. She would not stop criticizing my outfit. She even said she would take out the sleeves and pants for me. I told her I had already had them taken out at the trailer’s and to please DROP IT. She just kept at it….. The next time I saw her, she looked at my outfit (it was a different suit), she said “this one is much better.” I rolled my eyes. She then said “points for honesty.” I said, not when I keep begging you to stop because I feel bad.
I found that everything I shared came back to bite me in the butt. My oldest narcissistic sister who wanted me to hurriedly move from Oregon during ongoing cancer treatment to take care of our really old mother responded to me after telling her I was having an angiogram (and stent) and I quote, "Another excuse....". Yep. I quit sharing.
😂 I don't mean to laugh at that, but my own brother would be the same way. I had to block him on my phone lately just because I can't take it right now, with too much going on in my own life. He doesn't even listen or care.
@@patriciafry8634 You have no idea. Its dreadful. She wanted me to sell my house in Oregon and "get back down here and take care of momma" (in Houston, Texas).
Same here. My narc brother finally managed to Shanghai mom to Oregon where I live. Now I am having to go to her assisted living facility two times a day. She is narcissistic to the max. My family now understand the woman who raised me.
They cannot ever be rehabilitated people....Keep Listening to the experts - who have tried to help them, to no damned avail. Thanks as always Dr Romani❤
One of the best responses to a nasty customer that I’ve ever heard was by a hair stylist named Jon Scott. When a client started sniping and snarking at him, he reminded her that his prices “didn’t purchase the right to disrespect him”. Freaking perfection!! 😂
They make you carry the shame of their abuse and betrayal by telling you such things would never happen to you if you were a good person. They'll use their fortunes to colour themselves with your values. All while knowing the severity of their abuse will put you back in life 😢
Yes I have learned much from this channel about toxic people, and now understand what I have personally experienced. If you forgive a toxic person for their bad behavior, they lose respect for you, and it gets worse. They are never sorry for it, and will never stop.
OMG this really answers my question as to how my narcissistic partner of 27 years, was able to seemingly show empathy for groups of people far removed from us, but such little or non existing empathy for those living with him. I never even knew about narcism until I left and then I saw videos like yours, and it was like a huge puzzle of my life where the pieces were starting to fit together. Thank you so much for sharing. 🌹🙏
You totally described my father who is trying to get close to us (his children) now that we are in our 40s and he is in his mid-70s and he is sort of alone in a foreign country where he does not know the language either. He is still mean to my mother though, but lucky for my mom that as a narcissist herself, she is a match for her husband.
My mom was what my great nonna would call "street angel, house devil". I had friends tell me I was being crazy and disrespectful when I would run from home from the abuse, that they couldn't imagine my mom being so terrible. Until they saw it for themselves. Even though they and I never argued and they knew me as someone that actually avoided confrontation; they stood by my mom that they didn't know well because she was SO good at manipulating people. I am glad I went no contact with her some years ago, but my child has lost friends because of her talking crap to people. Grandparents of the friends that were tricked by my mom, idk what she said but she's the only common denominator. I'm not even on social media (other than here) so there's legit no other connection between the people that this has happened with. Other than myself and my child but we have had no issues with others....
I give everyone a certain amount of respect. What happens after that is up to that individual. Will they continue showing me that they are a good person and treat myself and others well (thus gaining more respect) or will they show me that they are a total jerk by treating myself and others poorly (thus losing my respect)?
I’ve discovered being assertive is the most effective way to deal with narcissistic people…the instant someone says an antagonistic phrase to me or about me, I immediately call it out and put whoever on the spot…and make it known I’m done with the bs and have no problem with removing the problem from my reality
Your reality is everyone's reality. It's good to not be a pushover. We can all be polite and stand up for ourselves at the same time. It's harder when we are attacked for sure. I just try to remind myself, and then the narcissist, of boundaries. My sister in law recently started an argument then told me she will stop talking to me if she's at all offended. Without explaining what it was, because nothing anyone else says matters. Lol At least the first time she's honest. But also she said it as if it was a threat- as if I'm supposed to crumble. In the same convo she told me how I am supposed to word my opinions. So I simply told her I feel it's unhelpful to just go silent, but she's allowed to do so at any time. It's not up to me if she's offended, or if she talks to me. And it's up to me how I phrase things. I try not to offend. But I won't be dishonest or pretend I'm someone else so they can be comfortable. It's up to them if they want to continue contact or not. As it's also up to me if I continue. It's both of us. Obviously if one decides not to, then it can't happen. Then ok. Too many people today aren't coping with trauma and have poor boundaries. I don't want my sister to feel alone, or like I don't respect her differences. But it goes both ways.
"Respecting your elders" is the reason I gave an elderly manager a pass the first time he tried to be too familiar with me. The second time (captured on security camera), I reported him and he was fired. No one should get respect they haven't earned. "Respect for elders" should be limited to letting them have the seats on public transit, and not expecting them to book it like a 20 year old when getting on/off.
Little related story. I am German, my wife is American. We are in Germany enjoying a nice brunch in a hip Frankfurt cafe, sitting outside enjoying the summer sun. Two tables over one of those entitled narcissists was throwing a tantrum, or at least trying to, it was crystal clear, when the waitress stopped him with these words (translated) "Listen, Mr., I am not your punching ball. Why TF do you not get the fuck out of here and stop annoying me and my guests who are trying to enjoy their brunch. And guess what, everyone was perfectly fine with that reaction, the guy had it coming and he got up and left. However, my wife was shocked and she said this would never happen in the USA (customer is king bs). But of course she was right, the level of abuse that Americans are willing to take is insane. And I agree, a "day of kindness" is not going to change that. Telling them off early on and setting them straight is a much better way of handling that. Nobody likes these entitlement freaks, but then again the entitlement virus is pretty wide spread in the USA, which I learned over time having lived there for 16y.
@BlissLovePeace few service workers in Europe would tolerate the levels of abuse that American service workers have to put up with. I used to work security when I first moved to Norway (17 years ago) at a rowdy irish pub. The vast majority of customers are usually polite (because Norwegians generally are anyway) but apply enough alcohol and things can get messy, especially with foreign visitors. But you abuse the staff even once, in any way, and you´re out. No questions. No arguments. Maybe barred if you push it. This is a general rule in the UK in bars too. And I´ve seen loud american backpackers get kicked out of a cafe in Italy, just for being loud and complaining about the speed of service. Also seen some loud obnoxious British tourists snapping their fingers and shouting "Garcon" to a waiter in France, and then just get ignored until they got up and left. I´m from the UK myself, but at the same restaurant, walked in, spoke French (albeit badly) and was shown to a table, then the waiter asked where I was from, and then, just because I carried on speaking French, asked to stay behind after hours to join some of the owners friends for another bottle of wine (on the house) and some very nice conversation. Narcissistic entitlement isn´t confined to any one nation, but how much it is so much more acceptable in the US, it seems.
Narcissistic bosses hate brutally honest comments when it is directed towards them. They will perceive any constructive criticism as an ego injury and will engage in retaliation in the workplace. Hell hath no fury like a narc scorned. Beware: A narcissist’s rage is always there, sometimes barely under the surface!
I couldn't agree more. Promoting kindness is great, but there also needs to be a very strong, clear message that bullying is NOT OKAY, won't be tolereated, and will lead to consequences. I, fact, I loved my son's elementary school because there was a combination of positive character education AND strong Zero Tolerance Bullying message, as well as practical education.
My daughter's junior high school was like this. What blew me away was the day when she was in 8th grade and came home to tell me that there was a child being bullied on her bus. She joined together with another child to protect him. Here's the amazing part: the child who helped her protect the victim had bullied her in 6th grade. Not only did the school stop him when he bullied, they turned him into a protector. Amazing.
I also like that places like hospitals in my area have signs saying that aggressive behavior toward staff, whether physical or verbal, will not be tolerated.
Sometimes the "No tolerance" policies don't work--when the bully and the one trying to defend theirself are equally punished and school district police operate by that policy instead of actual law which differentiates self defense, or while behavior charts are a form of hazing by leaders, both unequally applied and creating a walk of shame
@jenstevens2998 I couldn't agree more. Research shows that the best thing for a child to do when they are bullied is to fight back. If the child is going to be punished for defending themselves, it takes away their beat protection. Zero-tolerance policies just put a victim at more risk.
A friend of mine applied for a service position at the Ritz Carlton Hotel. A question on the application asked, "Is the customer always right?" Yes or no were the only boxes to check. She drew her own box that said, "HELL NO!" and checked it. Ritz Carlton called her in for an interview to ask her thoughts. She told them that they were asking for trouble if the only acceptable answer was, Yes the customer is always right. She told them that it might have been okay 100 years ago, but people now are way different in the current uncivil society that we live in. They agreed, but didn't hire her. If I'd been in charge at the Ritz, I would have hired her, and simply told her that she would need to back off of confrontations with guests, and call for backup. They missed out on a gem of an employee, in my opinion.
As a teenager, I worked as a cashier at a drugstore. There was an excellent manager there, we called him Mr. C looking back, he taught me some things I'll never forget. He was always calm, practical, and reasonable. One day, when some customers threw merchandise rudely because there was an issue with how clearance items were marked, he calmly told them that while our store apologized for the error, they could immediately leave the store if they were going to yell at staff and throw merchandise. Personally, I now think the store should have- and any store should- clearly mark prices and honor a lower price if the customer was misled by the stickers- however- If all managers handled abusive customers the way Mr. C did- this world would ultimately be completely different! Thanks Mr. C!!
I agree with you. I think empathy is lacking everywhere. I always do everything I can to be kind to everyone, regardless if they are a server or staff. I believe you treat the janitor or server the same as you treat a CEO
Agree. This has been my creed since I can remember. No one is better than anyone else because it takes all our jobs to keep the wheels of life rolling. Would a doctor want to work in a hospital because there were no janitors to keep it clean? I have found the more intelligent a person is, the kinder or understanding they are because they are smart enough to know that they don’t know everything and you can always learn from someone.
I resigned from my position at a restaurant management group in February because the treatment was so bad by all of the office management staff who were narcissists…it was unbearable!! I became physically ill because of the treatment there. All of management was in on it and we’re very cruel to certain individuals, including myself.
I think a lot of culinary training programs promote this, though I haven't attended one myself. Yes Chef! Anything you say Chef! Please allow me to kiss your ass Chef! Industrial kitchens do tend to be authoritarian structures. I might even posit that the hierarchical nature of a kitchen attracts narcissistic people. Maybe Dr. Ramani would find a more enlightened and receptive audience when marketing her consulting services to Culinary and Hospitality school programs than she would when approaching Executive Chefs and other restaurant managers... if she were attempting to target the industry.
I just resigned Friday 2 days ago.... I told them "oh i really need this job...I want to last longer so that it will look good on my resume and I can use you for references" 😂 completely lied to them as how they lie on everyone. Friday morning to ruin their weekend I submitted my resignation and blind copied coworkers who are also fed up with them. Karma is great because little did they know the company is going under and those narcs will lose their penisions....they have been their 30+ years before I was born and think they can treat people bad....they will get zero pension. God is great 😂
THANK YOU. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. I am so sick of the expectation that given enough time and requests that these folks will somehow come around. The only way to even begin to improve this, is to make it clear that entitled antagonistic behavior will not be tolerated in any way.
My dad is the worst. He will love ANYONE who is anyone. The more money they make; the better. He will constantly go on about random people who are successful to use against his 3 children. NEVER, EVER has he apologized, taken accountability or any liability for his failings as a dad. He just says "We gave you a roof over your head" like that's some amazing benefit to being born (which I didn't ask for). I make him models (which are amazing) and he still can't compliment them. It's actually funny. I have distanced myself from him & just mess with him (evil).
I used to be guilty as charged. But then Covid happened and people lost their minds - they started behaving like me. A real eye opener. I don’t want to be that person or let be in that society. I did an about face and changed my lunk headed ways.
I used to make excuses not to go out to eat in public with my narc mother. She demanded constant attention for the most minor things (like they didnt have her favorite beer, so management got involved in finding a substitute). She would make servers so upset another would replace them and give her something else to bitch about. I would fake having to use the restroom one more time and go back to apologize and give the server any money i had on me. It was so bad, and nothing could be said without escalating further. Thankfully I have a permanent excuse of having difficulties with swallowing, and she would NOT want that seen in public. I have held a number of service industry jobs, and my mother’s behavior towards workers helped me be much more empathetic than otherwise. Thank you for this video, helpful as always. Employers need to step up with removing or banning abusive customers (and stop the tipping culture keeping workers struggling).
Kindness is required if continued contact is intended. Brutality results in estrangement. I grew up in orchestras, where mean teachers were considered normal. Now I realize that any teacher who tells a child to stop (fill in the blank with any joyous activity), because "you have no talent" should be fired the first time. It means "I am not competent to teach you". Among adults, being "just brutally honest" means "I am an asshole you should avoid if at all possible". Brutes are lousy teachers/colleagues/bosses/family members. Love and lightning from Holland🌷
...I was the Executive Sales Director at a chain Hotel in Birmingham, Alabama....this Hotel had some very big problems between the customer relations and our work staff...Customers were ripping into my employee which was destroying their morel of course...I called a meeting with my entire work staff and personally told them, "your having to absorb this abuse is not your job"....ANY COMPLAINTS/QUESTIONS/ISSUES...send them to me I'll handle the customers personally"...I acknowledged the workers for every effort to do their job soon the entire attitude of customers and employee changed..for the better...Managers DO YOUR JOB.
Just went to dinner with a brother last night who prides himself as being a mellow cat but is seething just beneath the surface. It was one complaint after another to me rather than the staff. The waitress was too loud, the wine glass barely filled, and what blew my mind was pointing out with sheer contempt that the waitress walked by 3x without removing the empty bread basket. Im so glad they didnt hear it ... at least I hope not. This is the same guy at a nephews wedding who sniggered about the figures of the bridesmades, gulped down the gorgeous dinner, then loudly complained that there was no dessert. I had to tersely whisper in his ear....' this is a wedding and cake is part of the event.' So thoughtless and rude . In other situations he's Mr. Victim.
Funny I am not surprised. My narcissistic parents are from Cape Cod actually my entire narcissistic extended family is from Cape Cod... the entire region is full of rich people who are so entitled that rudeness and arrogance is their middle name! I have gone no contact with them all due to this behavior wow you couldn't have said it better.
So true. A character assassination comes in so many forms. For example assuming that anyone going through a divorce; sometimes including themselves too while feeling like only they know how to get along in the world from there thanks to their post secondary education which at the time the other does not have. When a relative of mine called an uncle found out about how I had been treated there too he was very angry about how I had been only turned out onto the street soon after asking for help there. Howeve at the time only because he had never had to go through it himself all he could remember at the time was that woman thought of him as being like a different breed of cat only because he is a man. That woman serving for pay in that women's shelter was only less than perfect. However at the time no one could explain fully why my estranged husband had managed to get away with increasing his narcissistic abuse towards me while threatening violence through extreme intimidation tactics too soon after they had to tell me to leave there without my infants to live with anymore as being their custodial parent.
Years ago, I had a bumper sticker on my car that read, "Mean People Suck." Come to think of it, I was working as a server at the time! I would love to get another one of those stickers- compared to now, those were the good old days of sanity and civility.
I accidently found you almost a year ago. You have helped me so much dealing with the narcissist in my life. I have used the many tools you have shared.
My mother had BPD and father was a narcissist. As my mother aged, the narcissism part of BPD became more prominant. Yes, my parents wanted the deference without the accountability. I did go No Contact with my mother (father had passed away by then). From what others shared when she passed, my mother wanted to apologize, but her apologies were not apologies so she was advised against "apologizing" because she couldn't. It also shows how entitled she thought she was by trying to force communication on me when I went No Contact.
My ex SIL used to always abuse the staff. She never yelled or shouted but I don't think she ever went anywhere without sending back the meal. She complained about the service and the food no matter where we ate. They would try to make her happy and bring her a new meal and she'd send that back too. The only thing she would ever end up eating was a 'complimentary' dessert of some kind and then she'd walk out complaining about how bad the restaurant was. If you tried to tell her she was the problem, not the staff or the food, she'd have an absolute hissy fit. I really hope they spit in her dessert!
Yes, my cousin excuses everything she said to me with ‘Strangers wont tell you the truth, will they? Only close family members will be honest with you’😅
I love the Cape Cod story. I used to work at an airport where people had private planes and loved to brag about the places they'd been. It was hard to feign the feeling of being impressed when 1) there is always someone with a newer, bigger plane, and 2) all I could think about was how they must have been to service industry workers in that locale. 😂😂 It was why I decided if I ever came into a lot of money, I wouldn't necessarily want too many people to know about it.
@cc1k435, I love the Cape Cod story also. Speaking of spoiled entitlement, when the global financial crisis hit in 2008, I personally didn't suffer it too much, but two "ladies who lunch" were sitting next to me at an upscale restaurant in New York City. I was alone, so it was almost impossible not to eves drop on their conversation. In a semi crying kind of voice, one said, "Bernard says we will have to sell the Mercedes and one of the boats! He won't part with the Bentley, she said, as she reached into her alligator skin handbag for a tissue. Her friend asked, "Which boat would he be putting up for sale?" "The sixty five footer that we keep in Miami will have to go!!!" she said, while dabbing the tears away from her heavily made up eyes. "Oh, honey, it's just unbearable, and Bernard is just BESIDE HIMSELF!!!" I'll never forget that lunch!
@Jeanog 😆 Would've thought they were going to have to take a job as an office temp or move into an ungated neighborhood. You know, the kind where you don't have household staff. 😱
I think one of the keys to seeing through this nonsense is if they treat others the way they expect to be treated. We all fall short of the goal of loving others as ourselves, but the narcissists don't even have that as a goal. Since they don't view others as fully human like themselves, they can only "love" them like you would "love" an object you are enthusiastic about. Their I love you to a person is the equivalent of someone elses' "I love this car/color/restaurant/movie." - You may enthusiastically enjoy it, but there's no commitment, exclusivity or reciprocity. It is more of a "I love hoe you are making me feel or look right now." The point about seeing virtues as weaknesses really sums up my experience well. I would do something and be told (or have other people told) that I was only doing it to "show off", because I was a loser with nothing else to do or that I was doing it wrong and they could do it much better (although they didn't do it).
I have a family member whose rudeness and downright meanness is excused as being ‘brutally honest’. It’s such crap and I feel bad for the person married to her. Thank you for this Dr Ramani. Reminds me what is not ok and to build my boundaries more. I am aware of the truth but don’t speak it much anymore to protect myself. Thank you 🙏❤
I Always Taught my Children to use their critical thinking skills and " Question authority " . ( Not be Openly Defiant) I Always told my children " if someOne in a position of authority tells you to do something that doesn't Look Right Or feel Right, or Tries to get you to Violate your Conscience, Say No and Stand Your Ground ! " Toxic individuals can always Climb their way to the Top, Not Caring Who they had to Step On to Get to the Top and Slither their way into Positions of " Authority"
Yes. I had this experience with a two star general jag ( lawyer ) of the Jewish faith. He said to me: you Christians are supposed to turn the other cheek . ( this when I was wronged and he was protecting senior officials ). Someone outside the faith, misinterpreting and weaponizing my faith against me. For the sake of swallowing injustice.
My 'I'm being brutally honest' has played out in my life as, 'I'm telling you for your own good/doing this for your own good'. Also, 'I'm just trying to be real/to be myself. Why can't you let me be myself. You're always trying to change me. I'm just telling you like it is.' No, you're telling me that you want to treat me badly and not have to correct your bad behaviour and restrict your abusive ways and me to be ok with it. Yes!!! Dr. Ramani, being authentic is a buzzword for them to try and have their actions be accepted. Spot on! I've said 'Wow' so many times in this and so many other of your videos that I'm sure I look like a meme of a fish gasping for air, lol.
I thought I deprived my kids by not having a lot of money or my own home. Recently realized how absolutely awful cruel they are to me and am facing the fact I actually Spoiled them. I was the Dad/ Mom always giving and sacrificing. Not good now.
Patience, tolerance, forbearance, kindness, concideration, empathy, compassion, long suffering, slow to anger, forgiveness, non-contentiousness, civility.... All these traits are loved by narcissists..... IN OTHERS !!! They personally see no value in them. But they delight to find them in others, and use them as tools to empower themselves to abuse and dominate their intended victims. Narcissists: Can't live with them, can't live with them. They will always take your highest virtues and weaponize them against you
My hope with the uptick in rude and outright nightmare customers after the pandemic is that my thank yous, patience, easy going nature, leaving a clean table with our child and his friends, a good tip, and a smile at least gives the hispitality staff where ever we go a moment to breathe and less stress.
This is 💯 the situation I am in with my family, as I exert boundaries around the older abusive narcissistic family members who have caused me severe pain and stress, and I am then shamed blamed gaslit invalidated and guilted by my parents to just forgive and forget and be around them no matter what to keep the family together and to please my parents, despite the severe harm it has done me and my life. It’s stressful and heartbreaking but I’d rather be by myself. Prioritizing my safety and well being while standing strong in the truth. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I don't know how old you are, but hope you can remember that nobody can force you to let them remain in their lives (assuming you are an adult and not financially dependent on them.) If you find that spending time with someone consistently leaves you feeling worse about yourself or stressed out, you have every right to limit their access to you or even cut them out of your life outright. People like to act like we owe some huge debt to our parents for raising us, but did you ask to be conceived or raised? You don't have any obligation to make yourself available to your family for their abusive behavior. If you can afford to see a therapist, I cannot overstate how helpful they are. Either way, I hope you find a path to a peaceful life where you can be surrounded by people who respect and validate you.
I joke that I need botox because I'm too expressive. It wouldn't matter. The new favorite phrase my asshat says is "I hope you hear me". The first time I said "I hear you, I just don't agree with you", he was literally speechless. 😅
Macro empathy for a group that the narc is not ever going to interact with is virtue signaling-a ploy to aggrandize themselves at your expense. Love this term!🎯
A long time job I really valued and worked hard at was ruined by a raging narcissistic boss, who blamed me when I was being harassed by a co worker or mistreated by a client. It caused me sever stress and almost ruined my career. It’s not ok. Grateful for the support of this community. ❤
I’ve never had the money or patience for restaurants. Sitting with strangers while someone else touches your food is weird. Just avoid them, problem solved.
This stuff should be taught in school, ongoing, starting young and continuing throughout school. There is so much to know and it could help so many people.
I know plenty of people who use the phrases " I'm just being honest" or " I tell the truth, I do" . These people are so unaware of the hurt they inflict on others when they show such little tact and empathy. I went to school with a handful of people like this - I can still feel those emotions.
Your absolutely 💯 percent correct god forbid if we speak our truth on anything…. Narcissists can’t handle that and it’s definitely a one way street when it comes to that with them 😢
Thank you Thank you Thank you so much for this! My ex boyfriend turned his empathy on and off all the damn time and it really really really confused the heck out of me so much. He had empathy when it benefited him and he showed fake empathy towards me sometimes for more supply from me. Remember Narcissists can be mater manipulators and it completely sucks because it really does a number on your whole well being at least it did for me it’s terrible. The day I got the discard from him I honestly think he set me free and it still hurts me emotionally like hell. 😢 I don’t understand why people are out there in the world that are doing this to us it makes me so sick to my stomach and so very sad 😢 😢😢😢.
My late husband had no empathy and even admitted it! And, my oldest narcissistic sister admitted it as well. And no remorse as neither one saw it as a problem.
Being able to turn it in and off seems like it was never there. I have to really harden myself and ignore things to keep from being overwhelmed. It’s a reflex for me and idk which is better really.
@@jhoughjr1 I’m so sorry to hear that 😢. I was literally so confused and torn up when my ex boyfriend would turn it on and off because it was all about supply and never sincere he was playing me and I feel like such a fool 😢
not being supported and affirmed by my parents caused me to lose the distinction between good and bad choices. I find the only way to myself is to choose good. It took me 3 years to learn to choose good. I did not see a difference in doing. I just saw doing regardless of consequences. Seeing the pseudo morality of some is getting much easier. Today this behavior is known as virtue signaling. They say what is virtuous but their heart is dark and evil.
100% agree that there needs to be a database for people's entitled behavior complete with pictures and video of the behavior. Let the employees wear body cams to enforce their point of view and how they're being treated.
Oh my god this is FANTASTIC!! I'm laughing so much, because it's so great to hear this articulated. The relief, to hear the madness described! Rock on Dr. Ramani! XX
The empathy, yes. He gives money to different charities and have depression episodes about the state of the world, climate change, wars, exploitation by politician and big companies etc.. He can "empatheticaly" talk about it for hours. But when I was sad he would either completely ignore me, like I dont even exist, or he would make a huge deal about how it is uncomfortable for him that I have some heavy emotions (and I often had to comfort him instead).
He called me 'a generous spaz' the other day. I'd just bought him a beautiful coat. Im a bit damaged mentally from abuse so that's why he called me 'spaz'. Then he picked on features of my body I'm sensitive about. Insurmountable cruelty. It's over. No contact.
They get to know what is important to you and then demean those things in order to trigger a response from you and then turn around and tell you how you wounded them… “It hurts me that I can’t have my own thoughts and feelings without it hurting you in some way.” Then they are the victim and you are the abuser.
I just had a nightmare job interview. It became clear almost immediately that I was far more qualified and experienced than this my potential new boss. I tried to be humble in my responses But she was hell bent on weaponising all my attributes in my CV... OOOH so is there anything you don't know, was one of her attacks delivered mockingly 😪
I was attacked personally in a job interview too because of my expertise in my field by my narc boss. I was polite but nowadays I would have pushed back at her inappropriate comments and left.
@@KS0102 😂😂😅 It was a Zoom interview. I just sat there watching this lady a stranger on one hand acknowledging that I am a brilliant Scientist...then insidiously tearing me down .... and she was alone... I am now weary of non panel interviews.
Great video! thank you! 🙏 the version „ I‘m only so brutaly honest because I love you“ is still my top runner for most disgusting, grotesk, perverted Nrc-sentences🥇… especially from parents 🤮
"Telling a narcissist to please be kind is like telling a child to choose celery over the cake at a birthday party." No wonder I'm keeping info about me to myself. I've jumped sighed subjects. I'm constantly witnessing examples of weaponizing.
"My mest up health and mind are the inscription on that stupid monument " I don't know why I found that so funny but boy did it make me cackle. So relatable.
Such a good question you bring up with this video! How to stay with your principles and stay kind-hearted and at the same time weaponize yourself against the bullies and narcicists..
Dr. Ramani you are Perfectly Describing Toxic Religious settings or Worse Yet, Organized Religious Settings ! Only Heaven Knows the sheer number of Walking Wounded in those Situations !
Not just the phase 'Respect your elders'. We need to quit telling them to 'Respect authority'. Most of my working life, I have had to deal with narcissistic or abusive supervisors. I have struggled with the idea of respecting authority figures for decades. I recently decided that I have had enough.
I am stuck with not going no contact with my toxic mother. When I go no contact, my younger sister gets the abuse, so I am drawn back to give my sister a break! 😢
Here in Australia, during covid, the law was changed to protect service staff from aggression. It's now a felony to bully service staff. Not sure how well it's enforced
I'm Australian, and I've never seen bad rudeness to service staff here. Dismissiveness and superior manners, yes, but not yelling and abuse. I've worked as a waitress also.
@@robinantonio8870 , likely only enforced on those going against the Covid narrative, otherwise not at all. Likely Australians never needed such a law, given they don’t seem to abuse service staff. So now it’s a felony, that figures, and Australians just go along with such government evil.
I’ve worked at the post office for 17 years, it is beyond the most toxic and damaging place to work ever, it has changed me as a person and I don’t like who I am and also living with my narcissistic husband for 30 years I’m now a raging alcoholic because of all of the stress I’m under on top of very bad issues with my children because of my husband 😢😢😢😢
If only our entire society could be taught to not listen , follow , engage with , get entangled with or tolerate those who can be defined as narcissists through the way they interact with others on a regular basis the human race may have a chance at survival . In my humble opinion , while the interpersonal entanglements and interactions are impactive , it's the macro abuse the majority of citizens of this planet are and have been enduring by those who have overstepped their purpose as managers of services and have entitled themselves as "rulers" that is putting all life on this planet in jeopardy . Thank Dr , this was a good video 👍
I'm an ICU nurse for 33 years. I quit the profession due to the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from the patients, families, administration, doctors, coworkers......As a nurse we are taught to suck it up and take the abuse because the patient and families are under stress. The doctors are the doctors do and take what they say or do. Administration never supports the bedside workers. It's the most toxic profession. The nurse is never good enough. It's just like my family! It's why I ran away from the worst job ever!
When I worked in the hospital setting I had the same experience but when I switched to hospice I found it to be completely different. Most people are appreciative of the care you provide for them and it is a great opportunity to care for the whole person.. mind, body and spirit. Honestly, even though you run into an occasional narc, it is much easier to handle because it isn’t common or constant. This was the best career decision I ever made because though we deal with sadness, we get to bring a little light to some dark places and that is very rewarding.❤️
Why not change the sign from "please be kind", to, "our staff will not accept abusive behaviour". In the UK, there are signs, often with consequences, like, "we do not tolerate abusive behaviour, you will be asked to leave", etc. Perhaps we have more of a zero tolerance approach?
Good morning. That is really a shame how some people act! Everyone is different, but whoever you are, ACT HUMAN when you're out and amongst people. This is my personal opinion, and I cannot control what people do in my Restaurants. However, i can ask them to LEAVE.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. You’re brilliant and so kind to share this with us. I was a waitress basically out of high school, and when I was treated bad, (looking back) I thought I had to accept abuse or absolute rudeness, from bosses and customers. As time went on, and I gained confidence and maturity, I would not hold my tongue when someone was rude, or my boss was screaming drunk, thus I knew my time in the serving industry was over, and boy I’m glad it is!!! :)
Brilliant. Move by the owners! It’s no different than grounding a teenager… Except this time you grounded, the whole high school! Nobody got served on that day.
Good job on respect your elders. I was raised that way. Made it hard for me as an adult in jobs. Took a long time to recognize that elders were on same level and could be dealt with that way.
This literally happened to me the empathy big group thing! I had an abortion with my ex narcissist, (we dated for 3.5 years) he didn’t allow me to have any emotions afterwards… but I was shocked when he never even asked me if I wanted to keep it… soo anyway, he would say “you’re too emotional and you’re crazy” then one day, like not even a week after my abortion I told him on the phone (yes on the phone because he went away again the day after my abortion…) that I was feeling sad and he said “you know Anya there are people in war torn counties right now, people who are ACTUALLY suffering? Stop complaining and grow up”.
I especially agree that not having support is equally as bad as the abuse itself. I’ve gotten bold and estranged from my narcissistic parents. You’ll be surprised, or maybe not surprised at all, by the number of people who just enable my parents and try to get me to walk back to that toxic abuse. People mind their own business when it comes time to stand with us, but people do not mind their own business when we develop the courage to walk away from the abuse. It’s ridiculous.
Bad behavior is their weapon , they don't know the value of loyalty, their betrayal does a lot of damage..and they don't care
Your memories matter
They are broken people. This is why they don't care about their bad behavior.
Oh, they value loyalty... When it's given TO THEM. It's something they can leverage.
@@melisentiapheiffer3034It’s not because they’re broken. There are many of us who are broken and don’t hurt others and feel empathy.
Oh yes Madea, it can go so beyond as with me borderline/narc parents.
Most people who claim to be brutally honest are brutal but not honest
Took the words out of my mouth.
Narcissists don't deserve any chances at all. They will never change or will never even try to change
My in laws were banned from their local Italian takeout place. I found it gratifying that the restaurant stood up for themselves. My in-laws have to ask their sons or housekeeper to order the food for them whenever they want Italian food, which means they have to be patient and can't yell at anyone. It makes me smile 😊
Geeez, I love this! I wish we saw more of this.
Always love an entitled family gets thrown out of or banned from a restraint story.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The truth is their enemy .
These are side effects of what happens when kids are spoiled rotten, they grow up being even bigger whiner babies as adults not to mention bullies.
Or sexual and physical abuse.
I'm surprised she likes those remarks as they could be construed as societal problematic / causation / neglectful government rather than this ridiculous money tree idea she has stretched out in a torture chamber. Such does suit neglectful government who socially engineer people blame each other for the govs mismanagement of our systems.
@@cameroncameron2826word salad
@@curiouscomplex290Considering not one clinically diagnosed narcissist exists every one of these video's is word salad.
Can be. But most narcissists are developed from neglect and abuse. They develop such an extreme protective side that they prioritize themselves as the most important.
This is why many with NPD have offspring with NPD, especially if other family doesn't step in. Or their kids become pushover people-pleasers to the other extreme.
"I'm just being brutally honest." Oh, the number of times I heard that growing up! And the follow-up: "You're too sensitive." And the RAGE if you point out their meanness. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for describing this. It helps A LOT.
Can nostalgia give you chills?! It did for me when I read those 'oh-so-familiar' judgemental phrases you mentioned! 😨
I can relate to this with my family too. It’s so messed up. I barely want to be around them anymore sadly:( Heartbreaking to realize, but grateful for this community support and learning that our well being matters too. ❤
Brutally honest or devils advocate is gaslighting.
Yes. A little tact wouldn't go amiss. Oh yeah, and if you give criticism you have to be able to take it too. Otherwise, think before you speak. Narcissistic people don't do that.
Even the most "brutally honest" autistic person will feel bad for others if what they say hurts them, although they may not know why others are hurt. Narcissistic folks are not brutally honest, they are just brutal in the sense they either don't care, or are purpousely trying to cause harm; because they are quite capable of inhibiting themselves when it suits their wants and needs.
And this is one of the reasons that I, as ASD person, dislike pop culture characters as Sheldon Cooper, Dr. House or Sherlock a lot; because they create and popularize the idea that some people are "too honest", "too smart" or "too important" to understand or care to understand how others feel; which is never the case in reality. But narcissistic people will jump on that wagon in a heartbeat.
When we tell children to ignore all the bad things they witness, we undermine their sense of judgement and discernment (they are less likely to trust their own judgment) which in turn increases vulnerability in bad relationships
Ding ding ding ding ding!!! 💯🎰
FACTS
As a kid i was brutally honest to the Narcissistic treatment long b4 i knew what it was. This landed me as the scapegoat.
Same here.. I was the truth teller of my family hence the target of the narcissist in the family.. All others simply enable the narcissist by praising her and supporting her shamelessly making her entitled more and more without facing any consequences. She is turning worse and I am fighting it alone without my useless family who does not know what's the value of a family if they support the wrongdoer even after knowing that she is abusing me badly.
Family estrangement is common. It can be a blessing!. Choose peace over chaos.
This is the sad truth for most people
5 Values Narcissists Weaponize
00:21 - Kindness
12:17 - Empathy
21:42 - Respect
32:56 - Honesty
39:42 - Authenticity
@StarfleetUnderground thank you
Very useful, thanks
So these are the basic building blocks of entry level human decency social skills. A certain amount of skill in relationships comes with time but if you meet someone who doesn’t even seem to come with the above 5 “starter pack” of human decency skills…run…
Many others too. In fact as they get to know you better that list tends to grow as time goes on. Down to the very superficial like what your favorite color is. Dare to reveal your ideas on a color scheme is risking then being yelled at for never being able to do anything right. No wonder some people spend money to hire an interior decorator. Well worth the money while protecting your delicate hearing. Whereupon some of the narcissists who are determined to remain who they are will then after starting to believe they know everything about both your present and what your future will be then will false accuse you of being only a complete fake. Always seeing things while forgetting what they themselves often look like after leaving the mirror when combing their own hair or whatever. Like when practicing their speech to give at some military assembly. Hitler and Musolini did that so well. G_d forbid that I ever end up becoming like the same breed of cat so to speak. The same breed of cat someone once told me belongs as only an epitath for all from the opposite sex. Needless to say I sure did flee from that person;s presence once too as fast as I could. While she was following all of the rules there. Only on the outside. Narcissists seem to be among us wherever we go.
Loyalty isn’t on this list!
I had a toxic friend who also was a bit OCD. For some reason my outfit bothered her. I’m tall, and my suit was slightly short on me. This particular day, I felt crappy. She and I went out to dinner. She would not stop criticizing my outfit. She even said she would take out the sleeves and pants for me. I told her I had already had them taken out at the trailer’s and to please DROP IT. She just kept at it….. The next time I saw her, she looked at my outfit (it was a different suit), she said “this one is much better.” I rolled my eyes. She then said “points for honesty.” I said, not when I keep begging you to stop because I feel bad.
I live in Las Vegas and the Narcissists we get here in the casinos are UNREAL!!!!
I found that everything I shared came back to bite me in the butt. My oldest narcissistic sister who wanted me to hurriedly move from Oregon during ongoing cancer treatment to take care of our really old mother responded to me after telling her I was having an angiogram (and stent) and I quote, "Another excuse....". Yep. I quit sharing.
😂 I don't mean to laugh at that, but my own brother would be the same way. I had to block him on my phone lately just because I can't take it right now, with too much going on in my own life. He doesn't even listen or care.
Avoid that sister as much as you can. Horrible woman
@@patriciafry8634 You have no idea. Its dreadful. She wanted me to sell my house in Oregon and "get back down here and take care of momma" (in Houston, Texas).
@@cc1k435 I routinely/intermittently block both my sisters. Life is too short to be continually terrorized.
Same here. My narc brother finally managed to Shanghai mom to Oregon where I live. Now I am having to go to her assisted living facility two times a day. She is narcissistic to the max. My family now understand the woman who raised me.
They cannot ever be rehabilitated people....Keep Listening to the experts - who have tried to help them, to no damned avail. Thanks as always Dr Romani❤
One of the best responses to a nasty customer that I’ve ever heard was by a hair stylist named Jon Scott.
When a client started sniping and snarking at him, he reminded her that his prices “didn’t purchase the right to disrespect him”. Freaking perfection!! 😂
And then she would have written a fake bad review about him
@@robinantonio8870 No doubt that she would’ve done that anyway.
They make you carry the shame of their abuse and betrayal by telling you such things would never happen to you if you were a good person. They'll use their fortunes to colour themselves with your values. All while knowing the severity of their abuse will put you back in life 😢
Yes I have learned much from this channel about toxic people, and now understand what I have personally experienced. If you forgive a toxic person for their bad behavior, they lose respect for you, and it gets worse. They are never sorry for it, and will never stop.
OMG this really answers my question as to how my narcissistic partner of 27 years, was able to seemingly show empathy for groups of people far removed from us, but such little or non existing empathy for those living with him. I never even knew about narcism until I left and then I saw videos like yours, and it was like a huge puzzle of my life where the pieces were starting to fit together. Thank you so much for sharing. 🌹🙏
You totally described my father who is trying to get close to us (his children) now that we are in our 40s and he is in his mid-70s and he is sort of alone in a foreign country where he does not know the language either. He is still mean to my mother though, but lucky for my mom that as a narcissist herself, she is a match for her husband.
My mom was what my great nonna would call "street angel, house devil". I had friends tell me I was being crazy and disrespectful when I would run from home from the abuse, that they couldn't imagine my mom being so terrible. Until they saw it for themselves.
Even though they and I never argued and they knew me as someone that actually avoided confrontation; they stood by my mom that they didn't know well because she was SO good at manipulating people.
I am glad I went no contact with her some years ago, but my child has lost friends because of her talking crap to people. Grandparents of the friends that were tricked by my mom, idk what she said but she's the only common denominator. I'm not even on social media (other than here) so there's legit no other connection between the people that this has happened with. Other than myself and my child but we have had no issues with others....
Yes. Always playing to the audience. I couldn't see it until I was out of it. Now it's so obvious.
My respect is not something you demand - it is something you earn 😊
If you START with showing respect , you earn it
I give everyone a certain amount of respect. What happens after that is up to that individual. Will they continue showing me that they are a good person and treat myself and others well (thus gaining more respect) or will they show me that they are a total jerk by treating myself and others poorly (thus losing my respect)?
I’ve discovered being assertive is the most effective way to deal with narcissistic people…the instant someone says an antagonistic phrase to me or about me, I immediately call it out and put whoever on the spot…and make it known I’m done with the bs and have no problem with removing the problem from my reality
Your reality is everyone's reality. It's good to not be a pushover. We can all be polite and stand up for ourselves at the same time. It's harder when we are attacked for sure.
I just try to remind myself, and then the narcissist, of boundaries. My sister in law recently started an argument then told me she will stop talking to me if she's at all offended. Without explaining what it was, because nothing anyone else says matters. Lol At least the first time she's honest. But also she said it as if it was a threat- as if I'm supposed to crumble. In the same convo she told me how I am supposed to word my opinions.
So I simply told her I feel it's unhelpful to just go silent, but she's allowed to do so at any time. It's not up to me if she's offended, or if she talks to me. And it's up to me how I phrase things.
I try not to offend. But I won't be dishonest or pretend I'm someone else so they can be comfortable. It's up to them if they want to continue contact or not. As it's also up to me if I continue. It's both of us. Obviously if one decides not to, then it can't happen. Then ok.
Too many people today aren't coping with trauma and have poor boundaries. I don't want my sister to feel alone, or like I don't respect her differences. But it goes both ways.
"Respecting your elders" is the reason I gave an elderly manager a pass the first time he tried to be too familiar with me.
The second time (captured on security camera), I reported him and he was fired.
No one should get respect they haven't earned. "Respect for elders" should be limited to letting them have the seats on public transit, and not expecting them to book it like a 20 year old when getting on/off.
Little related story. I am German, my wife is American. We are in Germany enjoying a nice brunch in a hip Frankfurt cafe, sitting outside enjoying the summer sun. Two tables over one of those entitled narcissists was throwing a tantrum, or at least trying to, it was crystal clear, when the waitress stopped him with these words (translated) "Listen, Mr., I am not your punching ball. Why TF do you not get the fuck out of here and stop annoying me and my guests who are trying to enjoy their brunch. And guess what, everyone was perfectly fine with that reaction, the guy had it coming and he got up and left. However, my wife was shocked and she said this would never happen in the USA (customer is king bs). But of course she was right, the level of abuse that Americans are willing to take is insane. And I agree, a "day of kindness" is not going to change that. Telling them off early on and setting them straight is a much better way of handling that. Nobody likes these entitlement freaks, but then again the entitlement virus is pretty wide spread in the USA, which I learned over time having lived there for 16y.
Enmeshed children rule here 😂
@BlissLovePeace few service workers in Europe would tolerate the levels of abuse that American service workers have to put up with. I used to work security when I first moved to Norway (17 years ago) at a rowdy irish pub. The vast majority of customers are usually polite (because Norwegians generally are anyway) but apply enough alcohol and things can get messy, especially with foreign visitors. But you abuse the staff even once, in any way, and you´re out. No questions. No arguments. Maybe barred if you push it. This is a general rule in the UK in bars too. And I´ve seen loud american backpackers get kicked out of a cafe in Italy, just for being loud and complaining about the speed of service. Also seen some loud obnoxious British tourists snapping their fingers and shouting "Garcon" to a waiter in France, and then just get ignored until they got up and left. I´m from the UK myself, but at the same restaurant, walked in, spoke French (albeit badly) and was shown to a table, then the waiter asked where I was from, and then, just because I carried on speaking French, asked to stay behind after hours to join some of the owners friends for another bottle of wine (on the house) and some very nice conversation.
Narcissistic entitlement isn´t confined to any one nation, but how much it is so much more acceptable in the US, it seems.
@@alanwaterworth6464 good story … yeah, agree, this entitlement bs doesn’t fly except in the USA and UK
Narcissistic bosses hate brutally honest comments when it is directed towards them. They will perceive any constructive criticism as an ego injury and will engage in retaliation in the workplace. Hell hath no fury like a narc scorned. Beware: A narcissist’s rage is always there, sometimes barely under the surface!
I couldn't agree more. Promoting kindness is great, but there also needs to be a very strong, clear message that bullying is NOT OKAY, won't be tolereated, and will lead to consequences. I, fact, I loved my son's elementary school because there was a combination of positive character education AND strong Zero Tolerance Bullying message, as well as practical education.
My daughter's junior high school was like this. What blew me away was the day when she was in 8th grade and came home to tell me that there was a child being bullied on her bus. She joined together with another child to protect him. Here's the amazing part: the child who helped her protect the victim had bullied her in 6th grade. Not only did the school stop him when he bullied, they turned him into a protector. Amazing.
I also like that places like hospitals in my area have signs saying that aggressive behavior toward staff, whether physical or verbal, will not be tolerated.
Sometimes the "No tolerance" policies don't work--when the bully and the one trying to defend theirself are equally punished and school district police operate by that policy instead of actual law which differentiates self defense, or while behavior charts are a form of hazing by leaders, both unequally applied and creating a walk of shame
@jenstevens2998 I couldn't agree more. Research shows that the best thing for a child to do when they are bullied is to fight back. If the child is going to be punished for defending themselves, it takes away their beat protection. Zero-tolerance policies just put a victim at more risk.
No good deed goes unpunished by a narcissist.
Everything you reveal about yourself will be weaponized and used against you.
A friend of mine applied for a service position at the Ritz Carlton Hotel. A question on the application asked, "Is the customer always right?" Yes or no were the only boxes to check. She drew her own box that said, "HELL NO!" and checked it. Ritz Carlton called her in for an interview to ask her thoughts. She told them that they were asking for trouble if the only acceptable answer was, Yes the customer is always right. She told them that it might have been okay 100 years ago, but people now are way different in the current uncivil society that we live in. They agreed, but didn't hire her. If I'd been in charge at the Ritz, I would have hired her, and simply told her that she would need to back off of confrontations with guests, and call for backup. They missed out on a gem of an employee, in my opinion.
As a teenager, I worked as a cashier at a drugstore. There was an excellent manager there, we called him Mr. C looking back, he taught me some things I'll never forget.
He was always calm, practical, and reasonable. One day, when some customers threw merchandise rudely because there was an issue with how clearance items were marked, he calmly told them that while our store apologized for the error, they could immediately leave the store if they were going to yell at staff and throw merchandise.
Personally, I now think the store should have- and any store should- clearly mark prices and honor a lower price if the customer was misled by the stickers- however- If all managers handled abusive customers the way Mr. C did- this world would ultimately be completely different! Thanks Mr. C!!
I have no problem loudly humiliating ridiculously rude customers when I'm out and about. I hate bullies. 😒
Yeah. Working in retail is such an eye opening experience too.
I agree with you. I think empathy is lacking everywhere.
I always do everything I can to be kind to everyone, regardless if they are a server or staff. I believe you treat the janitor or server the same as you treat a CEO
Agree. This has been my creed since I can remember. No one is better than anyone else because it takes all our jobs to keep the wheels of life rolling. Would a doctor want to work in a hospital because there were no janitors to keep it clean? I have found the more intelligent a person is, the kinder or understanding they are because they are smart enough to know that they don’t know everything and you can always learn from someone.
A lot of people are deceived, and the empathy is misdirected. Don’t forget that.
I resigned from my position at a restaurant management group in February because the treatment was so bad by all of the office management staff who were narcissists…it was unbearable!! I became physically ill because of the treatment there.
All of management was in on it and we’re very cruel to certain individuals, including myself.
The food industry can be soooo toxic. I applaud you for getting out of that situation. I hope you find a good new job soon! Take care.
I think a lot of culinary training programs promote this, though I haven't attended one myself. Yes Chef! Anything you say Chef! Please allow me to kiss your ass Chef! Industrial kitchens do tend to be authoritarian structures. I might even posit that the hierarchical nature of a kitchen attracts narcissistic people.
Maybe Dr. Ramani would find a more enlightened and receptive audience when marketing her consulting services to Culinary and Hospitality school programs than she would when approaching Executive Chefs and other restaurant managers... if she were attempting to target the industry.
I just resigned Friday 2 days ago.... I told them "oh i really need this job...I want to last longer so that it will look good on my resume and I can use you for references" 😂 completely lied to them as how they lie on everyone. Friday morning to ruin their weekend I submitted my resignation and blind copied coworkers who are also fed up with them. Karma is great because little did they know the company is going under and those narcs will lose their penisions....they have been their 30+ years before I was born and think they can treat people bad....they will get zero pension. God is great 😂
That’s how the game is played esp in the good industry. They are like a gang
@@drvpscottnot Gordon Ramsay
THANK YOU. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. I am so sick of the expectation that given enough time and requests that these folks will somehow come around. The only way to even begin to improve this, is to make it clear that entitled antagonistic behavior will not be tolerated in any way.
My dad is the worst. He will love ANYONE who is anyone. The more money they make; the better. He will constantly go on about random people who are successful to use against his 3 children. NEVER, EVER has he apologized, taken accountability or any liability for his failings as a dad. He just says "We gave you a roof over your head" like that's some amazing benefit to being born (which I didn't ask for). I make him models (which are amazing) and he still can't compliment them. It's actually funny. I have distanced myself from him & just mess with him (evil).
I used to be guilty as charged. But then Covid happened and people lost their minds - they started behaving like me. A real eye opener. I don’t want to be that person or let be in that society. I did an about face and changed my lunk headed ways.
Bravo. You are a rare creature. Self-awareness and reform are difficult things that bring tremendous benefits.
@gertrudewest4535 I am so proud of you !
Continue on your journey and life will be good.
Putting a "kind" sign will not deter the self-absorbed, in fact it will only spur them on to greater heights.
I used to make excuses not to go out to eat in public with my narc mother. She demanded constant attention for the most minor things (like they didnt have her favorite beer, so management got involved in finding a substitute). She would make servers so upset another would replace them and give her something else to bitch about. I would fake having to use the restroom one more time and go back to apologize and give the server any money i had on me. It was so bad, and nothing could be said without escalating further. Thankfully I have a permanent excuse of having difficulties with swallowing, and she would NOT want that seen in public.
I have held a number of service industry jobs, and my mother’s behavior towards workers helped me be much more empathetic than otherwise.
Thank you for this video, helpful as always. Employers need to step up with removing or banning abusive customers (and stop the tipping culture keeping workers struggling).
If someone tried to justify their words by saying that they are just brutally honest, my response would be "Yeah, with emphasis on the BRUTAL part."
Kindness is required if continued contact is intended. Brutality results in estrangement. I grew up in orchestras, where mean teachers were considered normal. Now I realize that any teacher who tells a child to stop (fill in the blank with any joyous activity), because "you have no talent" should be fired the first time. It means "I am not competent to teach you". Among adults, being "just brutally honest" means "I am an asshole you should avoid if at all possible". Brutes are lousy teachers/colleagues/bosses/family members. Love and lightning from Holland🌷
...I was the Executive Sales Director at a chain Hotel in Birmingham, Alabama....this Hotel had some very big problems between the customer relations and our work staff...Customers were ripping into my employee which was destroying their morel of course...I called a meeting with my entire work staff and personally told them, "your having to absorb this abuse is not your job"....ANY COMPLAINTS/QUESTIONS/ISSUES...send them to me I'll handle the customers personally"...I acknowledged the workers for every effort to do their job soon the entire attitude of customers and employee changed..for the better...Managers DO YOUR JOB.
Just went to dinner with a brother last night who prides himself as being a mellow cat but is seething just beneath the surface. It was one complaint after another to me rather than the staff. The waitress was too loud, the wine glass barely filled, and what blew my mind was pointing out with sheer contempt that the waitress walked by 3x without removing the empty bread basket. Im so glad they didnt hear it ... at least I hope not. This is the same guy at a nephews wedding who sniggered about the figures of the bridesmades, gulped down the gorgeous dinner, then loudly complained that there was no dessert. I had to tersely whisper in his ear....' this is a wedding and cake is part of the event.' So thoughtless and rude . In other situations he's Mr. Victim.
Funny I am not surprised. My narcissistic parents are from Cape Cod actually my entire narcissistic extended family is from Cape Cod... the entire region is full of rich people who are so entitled that rudeness and arrogance is their middle name! I have gone no contact with them all due to this behavior wow you couldn't have said it better.
When someone lies to your face & smiles… that’s a BIG sign you are RIGHT …they tell on themselves
“Brutally Honest” is said as a form of character assassination to the one that is disagreeing with the narcissist who happens to always be right.
So true. A character assassination comes in so many forms. For example assuming that anyone going through a divorce; sometimes including themselves too while feeling like only they know how to get along in the world from there thanks to their post secondary education which at the time the other does not have. When a relative of mine called an uncle found out about how I had been treated there too he was very angry about how I had been only turned out onto the street soon after asking for help there. Howeve at the time only because he had never had to go through it himself all he could remember at the time was that woman thought of him as being like a different breed of cat only because he is a man. That woman serving for pay in that women's shelter was only less than perfect. However at the time no one could explain fully why my estranged husband had managed to get away with increasing his narcissistic abuse towards me while threatening violence through extreme intimidation tactics too soon after they had to tell me to leave there without my infants to live with anymore as being their custodial parent.
Years ago, I had a bumper sticker on my car that read, "Mean People Suck." Come to think of it, I was working as a server at the time! I would love to get another one of those stickers- compared to now, those were the good old days of sanity and civility.
I accidently found you almost a year ago. You have helped me so much dealing with the narcissist in my life. I have used the many tools you have shared.
You may like narcdaily and MentalHealness. 😊
I found her after dealing with some major narcissism at a very bad time.
She’s definitely right in a lot of things, confirms patterns I see before me
My mother had BPD and father was a narcissist. As my mother aged, the narcissism part of BPD became more prominant.
Yes, my parents wanted the deference without the accountability.
I did go No Contact with my mother (father had passed away by then). From what others shared when she passed, my mother wanted to apologize, but her apologies were not apologies so she was advised against "apologizing" because she couldn't.
It also shows how entitled she thought she was by trying to force communication on me when I went No Contact.
Narcs are all about forcing
My ex SIL used to always abuse the staff. She never yelled or shouted but I don't think she ever went anywhere without sending back the meal. She complained about the service and the food no matter where we ate. They would try to make her happy and bring her a new meal and she'd send that back too. The only thing she would ever end up eating was a 'complimentary' dessert of some kind and then she'd walk out complaining about how bad the restaurant was. If you tried to tell her she was the problem, not the staff or the food, she'd have an absolute hissy fit. I really hope they spit in her dessert!
Yes, my cousin excuses everything she said to me with ‘Strangers wont tell you the truth, will they? Only close family members will be honest with you’😅
I love the Cape Cod story. I used to work at an airport where people had private planes and loved to brag about the places they'd been. It was hard to feign the feeling of being impressed when 1) there is always someone with a newer, bigger plane, and 2) all I could think about was how they must have been to service industry workers in that locale. 😂😂
It was why I decided if I ever came into a lot of money, I wouldn't necessarily want too many people to know about it.
@cc1k435, I love the Cape Cod story also. Speaking of spoiled entitlement, when the global financial crisis hit in 2008, I personally didn't suffer it too much, but two "ladies who lunch" were sitting next to me at an upscale restaurant in New York City. I was alone, so it was almost impossible not to eves drop on their conversation.
In a semi crying kind of voice, one said, "Bernard says we will have to sell the Mercedes and one of the boats! He won't part with the Bentley, she said, as she reached into her alligator skin handbag for a tissue. Her friend asked,
"Which boat would he be putting up for sale?"
"The sixty five footer that we keep in Miami will have to go!!!" she said, while dabbing the tears away from her heavily made up eyes. "Oh, honey, it's just unbearable, and Bernard is just BESIDE HIMSELF!!!"
I'll never forget that lunch!
@Jeanog 😆 Would've thought they were going to have to take a job as an office temp or move into an ungated neighborhood. You know, the kind where you don't have household staff. 😱
@@cc1k435, 😂Oh, honey, the HORROR of it all! 🤣
I think one of the keys to seeing through this nonsense is if they treat others the way they expect to be treated. We all fall short of the goal of loving others as ourselves, but the narcissists don't even have that as a goal. Since they don't view others as fully human like themselves, they can only "love" them like you would "love" an object you are enthusiastic about. Their I love you to a person is the equivalent of someone elses' "I love this car/color/restaurant/movie." - You may enthusiastically enjoy it, but there's no commitment, exclusivity or reciprocity. It is more of a "I love hoe you are making me feel or look right now."
The point about seeing virtues as weaknesses really sums up my experience well. I would do something and be told (or have other people told) that I was only doing it to "show off", because I was a loser with nothing else to do or that I was doing it wrong and they could do it much better (although they didn't do it).
I have a family member whose rudeness and downright meanness is excused as being ‘brutally honest’. It’s such crap and I feel bad for the person married to her. Thank you for this Dr Ramani. Reminds me what is not ok and to build my boundaries more. I am aware of the truth but don’t speak it much anymore to protect myself. Thank you 🙏❤
I Always Taught my Children to use their critical thinking skills and " Question authority " . ( Not be Openly Defiant) I Always told my children " if someOne in a position of authority tells you to do something that doesn't Look Right Or feel Right, or Tries to get you to Violate your Conscience, Say No and Stand Your Ground ! " Toxic individuals can always Climb their way to the Top, Not Caring Who they had to Step On to Get to the Top and Slither their way into Positions of " Authority"
Yes. I had this experience with a two star general jag ( lawyer ) of the Jewish faith. He said to me: you Christians are supposed to turn the other cheek . ( this when I was wronged and he was protecting senior officials ). Someone outside the faith, misinterpreting and weaponizing my faith against me. For the sake of swallowing injustice.
I have come to understand much about people of that faith. He wasn't an anomaly.
My 'I'm being brutally honest' has played out in my life as, 'I'm telling you for your own good/doing this for your own good'. Also, 'I'm just trying to be real/to be myself. Why can't you let me be myself. You're always trying to change me. I'm just telling you like it is.' No, you're telling me that you want to treat me badly and not have to correct your bad behaviour and restrict your abusive ways and me to be ok with it. Yes!!! Dr. Ramani, being authentic is a buzzword for them to try and have their actions be accepted. Spot on! I've said 'Wow' so many times in this and so many other of your videos that I'm sure I look like a meme of a fish gasping for air, lol.
Narcissists cannot be healed. I see it clear now. Thanks. 💜
Not even the best effort in the world could.
I thought I deprived my kids by not having a lot of money or my own home. Recently realized how absolutely awful cruel they are to me and am facing the fact I actually Spoiled them. I was the Dad/ Mom always giving and sacrificing. Not good now.
Patience, tolerance, forbearance, kindness, concideration, empathy, compassion, long suffering, slow to anger, forgiveness, non-contentiousness, civility....
All these traits are loved by narcissists..... IN OTHERS !!!
They personally see no value in them. But they delight to find them in others, and use them as tools to empower themselves to abuse and dominate their intended victims.
Narcissists: Can't live with them, can't live with them. They will always take your highest virtues and weaponize them against you
My hope with the uptick in rude and outright nightmare customers after the pandemic is that my thank yous, patience, easy going nature, leaving a clean table with our child and his friends, a good tip, and a smile at least gives the hispitality staff where ever we go a moment to breathe and less stress.
This is 💯 the situation I am in with my family, as I exert boundaries around the older abusive narcissistic family members who have caused me severe pain and stress, and I am then shamed blamed gaslit invalidated and guilted by my parents to just forgive and forget and be around them no matter what to keep the family together and to please my parents, despite the severe harm it has done me and my life. It’s stressful and heartbreaking but I’d rather be by myself. Prioritizing my safety and well being while standing strong in the truth. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
With vitctims waking up and not willing to put up with this crap anymore, eventually the abusers will have no one to crap on except themselves.
I don't know how old you are, but hope you can remember that nobody can force you to let them remain in their lives (assuming you are an adult and not financially dependent on them.) If you find that spending time with someone consistently leaves you feeling worse about yourself or stressed out, you have every right to limit their access to you or even cut them out of your life outright. People like to act like we owe some huge debt to our parents for raising us, but did you ask to be conceived or raised? You don't have any obligation to make yourself available to your family for their abusive behavior. If you can afford to see a therapist, I cannot overstate how helpful they are. Either way, I hope you find a path to a peaceful life where you can be surrounded by people who respect and validate you.
I joke that I need botox because I'm too expressive. It wouldn't matter. The new favorite phrase my asshat says is "I hope you hear me". The first time I said "I hear you, I just don't agree with you", he was literally speechless. 😅
Macro empathy for a group that the narc is not ever going to interact with is virtue signaling-a ploy to aggrandize themselves at your expense. Love this term!🎯
A long time job I really valued and worked hard at was ruined by a raging narcissistic boss, who blamed me when I was being harassed by a co worker or mistreated by a client. It caused me sever stress and almost ruined my career. It’s not ok. Grateful for the support of this community. ❤
They so do. For decades even. And then when they mirror it it’s even more pernicious.
I’ve never had the money or patience for restaurants. Sitting with strangers while someone else touches your food is weird. Just avoid them, problem solved.
This stuff should be taught in school, ongoing, starting young and continuing throughout school. There is so much to know and it could help so many people.
I know plenty of people who use the phrases " I'm just being honest" or " I tell the truth, I do" . These people are so unaware of the hurt they inflict on others when they show such little tact and empathy. I went to school with a handful of people like this - I can still feel those emotions.
Yes Yes Yes Abuse Is Abuse No Matter What Form It Is And Its Absolutely Unacceptable. Thank You For This So Much Dr. R
Your absolutely 💯 percent correct god forbid if we speak our truth on anything…. Narcissists can’t handle that and it’s definitely a one way street when it comes to that with them 😢
Thank you Thank you Thank you so much for this! My ex boyfriend turned his empathy on and off all the damn time and it really really really confused the heck out of me so much. He had empathy when it benefited him and he showed fake empathy towards me sometimes for more supply from me. Remember Narcissists can be mater manipulators and it completely sucks because it really does a number on your whole well being at least it did for me it’s terrible. The day I got the discard from him I honestly think he set me free and it still hurts me emotionally like hell. 😢 I don’t understand why people are out there in the world that are doing this to us it makes me so sick to my stomach and so very sad 😢 😢😢😢.
My late husband had no empathy and even admitted it! And, my oldest narcissistic sister admitted it as well. And no remorse as neither one saw it as a problem.
@@jokendrick2124 I’m so sorry to hear that that’s awful 😢
Being able to turn it in and off seems like it was never there.
I have to really harden myself and ignore things to keep from being overwhelmed.
It’s a reflex for me and idk which is better really.
@@jhoughjr1 I’m so sorry to hear that 😢. I was literally so confused and torn up when my ex boyfriend would turn it on and off because it was all about supply and never sincere he was playing me and I feel like such a fool 😢
not being supported and affirmed by my parents caused me to lose the distinction between good and bad choices. I find the only way to myself is to choose good. It took me 3 years to learn to choose good. I did not see a difference in doing. I just saw doing regardless of consequences. Seeing the pseudo morality of some is getting much easier. Today this behavior is known as virtue signaling. They say what is virtuous but their heart is dark and evil.
100% agree that there needs to be a database for people's entitled behavior complete with pictures and video of the behavior. Let the employees wear body cams to enforce their point of view and how they're being treated.
Or you could just move to China.
Oh my god this is FANTASTIC!!
I'm laughing so much, because it's so great to hear this articulated.
The relief, to hear the madness described!
Rock on Dr. Ramani! XX
I remember in Florida there was a business that had a sign on the front desk that said, “If you are rude, you won’t be served.”
The empathy, yes. He gives money to different charities and have depression episodes about the state of the world, climate change, wars, exploitation by politician and big companies etc.. He can "empatheticaly" talk about it for hours. But when I was sad he would either completely ignore me, like I dont even exist, or he would make a huge deal about how it is uncomfortable for him that I have some heavy emotions (and I often had to comfort him instead).
He called me 'a generous spaz' the other day.
I'd just bought him a beautiful coat.
Im a bit damaged mentally from abuse so that's why he called me 'spaz'.
Then he picked on features of my body I'm sensitive about.
Insurmountable cruelty.
It's over.
No contact.
Mine did that too.
@@Hatbox948 they are vile. It's all projection because they hate themselves.
They get to know what is important to you and then demean those things in order to trigger a response from you and then turn around and tell you how you wounded them… “It hurts me that I can’t have my own thoughts and feelings without it hurting you in some way.” Then they are the victim and you are the abuser.
You just nailed my narc sister.
I just had a nightmare job interview. It became clear almost immediately that I was far more qualified and experienced than this my potential new boss. I tried to be humble in my responses
But she was hell bent on weaponising all my attributes in my CV... OOOH so is there anything you don't know, was one of her attacks delivered mockingly
😪
I was attacked personally in a job interview too because of my expertise in my field by my narc boss. I was polite but nowadays I would have pushed back at her inappropriate comments and left.
Nowadays you can just turn off Zoom and slip the middle finger emoji..
@@KS0102 😂😂😅
It was a Zoom interview.
I just sat there watching this lady a stranger on one hand acknowledging that I am a brilliant Scientist...then insidiously tearing me down .... and she was alone... I am now weary of non panel interviews.
Great video! thank you! 🙏 the version „ I‘m only so brutaly honest because I love you“ is still my top runner for most disgusting, grotesk, perverted Nrc-sentences🥇… especially from parents 🤮
"Telling a narcissist to please be kind is like telling a child to choose celery over the cake at a birthday party."
No wonder I'm keeping info about me to myself. I've jumped sighed subjects. I'm constantly witnessing examples of weaponizing.
"My mest up health and mind are the inscription on that stupid monument " I don't know why I found that so funny but boy did it make me cackle. So relatable.
Such a good question you bring up with this video! How to stay with your principles and stay kind-hearted and at the same time weaponize yourself against the bullies and narcicists..
Dr. Ramani you are Perfectly Describing Toxic Religious settings or Worse Yet, Organized Religious Settings ! Only Heaven Knows the sheer number of Walking Wounded in those Situations !
Not just the phase 'Respect your elders'. We need to quit telling them to 'Respect authority'. Most of my working life, I have had to deal with narcissistic or abusive supervisors. I have struggled with the idea of respecting authority figures for decades. I recently decided that I have had enough.
I am stuck with not going no contact with my toxic mother. When I go no contact, my younger sister gets the abuse, so I am drawn back to give my sister a break! 😢
Here in Australia, during covid, the law was changed to protect service staff from aggression. It's now a felony to bully service staff. Not sure how well it's enforced
Wow. Has it helped?
Not enforced at all I suspect.
@@robinantonio8870, likely enforced only when covid “mandates” are questioned. Narcissistic politicians don’t like their control schemes questioned.
I'm Australian, and I've never seen bad rudeness to service staff here. Dismissiveness and superior manners, yes, but not yelling and abuse. I've worked as a waitress also.
@@robinantonio8870 , likely only enforced on those going against the Covid narrative, otherwise not at all. Likely Australians never needed such a law, given they don’t seem to abuse service staff. So now it’s a felony, that figures, and Australians just go along with such government evil.
I’ve worked at the post office for 17 years, it is beyond the most toxic and damaging place to work ever, it has changed me as a person and I don’t like who I am and also living with my narcissistic husband for 30 years I’m now a raging alcoholic because of all of the stress I’m under on top of very bad issues with my children because of my husband 😢😢😢😢
Used to if a man was rude in public, other men would immediately chastise him.
It’s rare now as ppl don’t care
There are still such men, thank God
If only our entire society could be taught to not listen , follow , engage with , get entangled with or tolerate those who can be defined as narcissists through the way they interact with others on a regular basis the human race may have a chance at survival .
In my humble opinion , while the interpersonal entanglements and interactions are impactive , it's the macro abuse the majority of citizens of this planet are and have been enduring by those who have overstepped their purpose as managers of services and have entitled themselves as "rulers" that is putting all life on this planet in jeopardy .
Thank Dr , this was a good video 👍
I'm an ICU nurse for 33 years. I quit the profession due to the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from the patients, families, administration, doctors, coworkers......As a nurse we are taught to suck it up and take the abuse because the patient and families are under stress. The doctors are the doctors do and take what they say or do. Administration never supports the bedside workers. It's the most toxic profession. The nurse is never good enough. It's just like my family! It's why I ran away from the worst job ever!
When I worked in the hospital setting I had the same experience but when I switched to hospice I found it to be completely different. Most people are appreciative of the care you provide for them and it is a great opportunity to care for the whole person.. mind, body and spirit. Honestly, even though you run into an occasional narc, it is much easier to handle because it isn’t common or constant. This was the best career decision I ever made because though we deal with sadness, we get to bring a little light to some dark places and that is very rewarding.❤️
I’m so glad I watched this! So very much coming up for me that is ringing true not only in my own family but other people I know too 😢
The greatest weapon the Narcissist uses against you is self doubt.
Why not change the sign from "please be kind", to, "our staff will not accept abusive behaviour". In the UK, there are signs, often with consequences, like, "we do not tolerate abusive behaviour, you will be asked to leave", etc. Perhaps we have more of a zero tolerance approach?
The work place is the worst area of abuse.
Good morning. That is really a shame how some people act! Everyone is different, but whoever you are, ACT HUMAN when you're out and amongst people. This is my personal opinion, and I cannot control what people do in my Restaurants. However, i can ask them to LEAVE.
"I don't sugar coat things" is one I've heard as well... sorry not sorry.. just being brutally honest Dr. Ramani... lol.. couldnt resist 😆
Thank you Dr. Ramani. You’re brilliant and so kind to share this with us. I was a waitress basically out of high school, and when I was treated bad, (looking back) I thought I had to accept abuse or absolute rudeness, from bosses and customers. As time went on, and I gained confidence and maturity, I would not hold my tongue when someone was rude, or my boss was screaming drunk, thus I knew my time in the serving industry was over, and boy I’m glad it is!!! :)
The path forward is hell. The only way out is through
Extremely helpful and timely video about how to handle customer aggression. Thanks for this; we are so lucky that Dr. Ramanii shares her thoughts.😊
Brilliant. Move by the owners! It’s no different than grounding a teenager… Except this time you grounded, the whole high school! Nobody got served on that day.
Good job on respect your elders. I was raised that way. Made it hard for me as an adult in jobs. Took a long time to recognize that elders were on same level and could be dealt with that way.
Dont forget us healthcare workers!
Amen. Patients are SICKER and ruder than EVER.
This literally happened to me the empathy big group thing! I had an abortion with my ex narcissist, (we dated for 3.5 years) he didn’t allow me to have any emotions afterwards… but I was shocked when he never even asked me if I wanted to keep it… soo anyway, he would say “you’re too emotional and you’re crazy” then one day, like not even a week after my abortion I told him on the phone (yes on the phone because he went away again the day after my abortion…) that I was feeling sad and he said “you know Anya there are people in war torn counties right now, people who are ACTUALLY suffering? Stop complaining and grow up”.
I especially agree that not having support is equally as bad as the abuse itself. I’ve gotten bold and estranged from my narcissistic parents. You’ll be surprised, or maybe not surprised at all, by the number of people who just enable my parents and try to get me to walk back to that toxic abuse. People mind their own business when it comes time to stand with us, but people do not mind their own business when we develop the courage to walk away from the abuse. It’s ridiculous.