Tiktok's "Stay at Home Girlfriend" Trend is Making Everyone Mad.
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- Опубликовано: 18 сен 2024
- Tiktok's "Stay at Home Girlfriend" Trend is Making Everyone Mad.
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The only thing that makes me nervous about the stay at home girlfriend thing is that it makes women completely financially dependent on a man who can cut them off at any time for any reason, and she’ll find herself with no money, nowhere to live, no job, and *no legal recourse!* Because you’re _not married._
A guy could start dating some other girl and want to move her in and move you out, and since it’s his house, he can do that at any time. He could kick you out if he gets bored with you, or because he thinks you’re being annoying, or if you refuse to do what he says. That’s an exploitative relationship, plain and simple, and no amount of Instagram filters is going to make it any less unbalanced in his favor.
this!!! I completely agree with this! like you now have no where to go, no house, no money of your own. it’s extremely dangerous for a women to do that to herself
You have said everything I thought 👏🏼 especially since everyone gonna age, and most men (as shown in the TikToks) care mostly about having a good-looking young girlfriend.
Yes and on the other extreme, being financially dependent can make it close to impossible to leave abusive relationships. Especially if you have no safety net other than your partner .
THIS!
This happens in abusive relationships. Not normal sane stable one. It's no different when it comes to a two working income household. Either one stays and keep the house or lives somewhere else outside of it.
I'm a housewife of 13 years (since I was 23) and I love my life, HOWEVER, I would never enter into an arrangement like this outside of marriage for the simple fact that marriage offers you legal protection in case of the relationship breaking down. I would not have given up my career if there was going to be no assurance that I'd be safe if my husband were to arbitrarily decide he was done.
That’s exactly the problem. Being a stay at home wife can be wonderful! A stay at home girlfriend is just precarious if you have no other plan (but these girls do, they’re self employed and make money from TikTok but they pretend their boyfriends are sole providers LMAO)
& life insurance in case something happens to him !
That's my biggest con on this. Interestingly in Germany there is a legal binding document that is not marriage that gives you this protection of fo ownership of goods and also importantly, the ability to take medical decisions for your partner if they are unconscious, sometimes non family is not even allowed to visit in the hospital.
@@rchhcsupernova there is something similar in England, called a Common Law Marriage, which I think applies to couples who have lived together for 7 years, but I'm not an expert. I don't think it offers the same kind of protection.
What about his safety and insurance if you decide to up and leave?
some women like to work and some women want to stay at home neither of them are bad but just have different life goals. being a woman who works and doesnt want to settle down is called selfish, a woman who wants too be a stay at home is old fashioned and lazy! we will never win yall so if u want to stay at home , stay at home!
Exactly 👏🏾
thisssssss!!! very well said. it seems women can't ever just exist without people putting their two cents in.
I love this!! ❤❤
I’m a SAHM and it’s weird for me as I’ve always worked. But with two kids and daycare costs it’s just not feasible to get back into the workplace… plus I have plenty to do at home 🤣🤣🤣🤣!
Ex👏act👏ly
Let women breathe in peace.
Thank you!!!!
I think the whole thing is just a weird misnomer. Like you’re not a stay at home girlfriend if you’re a content creator. You’re just working from home lol. It’s just another way for people to pretend to be aspirational on social media.
I completely agree. These women creating TikToks are trying to create a following as a content creator so that is a job in itself. However, if you don’t have any personal income as a gf you can be let go at any time. Which is scary. The whole thing comes off as really try hard and I can’t stand people who are desperate to portray an aspirational life. Like I would love to know the whole psychology behind that desire to have other’s jealous of your life. Social media isn’t real either. I don’t know, women should do whatever they want, I just hope they think about their own financial security as a gf and not a wife. Only because if they’re put out with nothing, where do they go?
@@laladoglady tbh. In hindsight, she's living in a household and is open to her husband bank account for things she wants to do for herself and the house.... Now what about her own income? Can she pull it out whenever she needs to add onto her saving account?
I do think that even if they manage to make money as content creators it's likely not a lot, especially on tiktok, however, that means they take on a job that wouldn't pay much or really protect them in case of a break up AND the job of a house keeper.
Maybe with enough sponsorships they can protect themselves but social media is so saturated with creators so I have my doubts... Even so, this will still require a separate bank account ect.
The only thing I want to critique about this trend is that if you are a stay at home partner, who’s not married, and you don’t have any other job, it can be a bit dangerous. When stay at home partners who are married, divorce, they can get some of the money their partner made, due to their marriage contract or whatever, but if you’re only dating, you’re on you’re own. If you decide to break up, you’re ultimately left with no income, money, home, or working experience for however long you were in that relationship (and obviously it’s different for everyone). Not to mention getting back into a stable job will be difficult, not many people are willing to hire someone who has not “worked” for however long you were in that relationship. Another thing is a lot of people don’t mention how lonely this job can get. You’re stuck at home, cleaning and cooking, pretty much alone everyday. I’ve heard so many ex-stay at home partners who really did hate it after realizing what it was like. A lot of people don’t realize how exhausting this work can actually get.
If you like being a stay at home partner, that’s wonderful, but I definitely think this trend glosses over some of the realities of this job. Because majority of people aren’t doing Pilates, drinking green tea lattes, in their apartment in NY, and spending one hour actually cleaning. These tik toks can be really deceiving to what stay at home work/life actually is like. And i hate when every time people try to bring these things up, people say that were hating on women- like no- I just want to warn a lot of the young women who see this, and are unaware of what this lifestyle is actually like.
exactly!, I saw some people talking about disabled people or stay at home mothers, or just people that don't want to work, but that is a different conversation, I think that you really hit the nail on the head, at the very least if you're married you can (hopefully) have some sort of legal safety net which is something dating doesn't allow for. I want to work, not because i'm a girl boss and think women shouldn't be stay at home moms or something, im just doing it to have my own financial dependence and not rely on my partner, there is so much more that I wish salem talked about bc while I understand there are some issues with misogyny that plays into this, however I feel like this lifestyle that is being shown on these tiktoks cater to a very specific audience, and audience of people that have the financial stability to do this and not because they have to stay at home for health issues, or any other reason
💯
Thank you! That is why I‘m „hating“ on this stuff. Don‘t be so financially dependant, it‘s so dangerous. I‘m from Germany and so many women here are piss poor in their old age because they stayed at home to raise the children and relied on their partner‘s job. This is not really the women‘s fault though for many important reasons but still, one needs to be aware of that and not gloss over the dangers.
It depends on the country
Here in Brazil the married life of non married couples is normalized so there's a law that if the relationship lasted 3-5 years and they lived together, they can go though a property division; if proved one of them was monetarily dependant, it's treated as a divorce and they still need to provide for the other party even after break up.
Of course that doesn't mean it's easy and the juridical system here is very, very slow so the person would have to be really determined and prove that they have no way of living with their own income, that would take some work but that's what they do so people don't extort each other.
@@Cactusssutcac but again it depends heavily on where you live, the biggest creators with this tag are from america, and if you are not married you can try to get a lawyer and see if you can get help, but that is money (that you may not have if you haven't worked) and more effort, so its a nuanced and difficult conversation and is very interesting.
i get why girls would love the idea of this lifestyle but for me personally it’s not for me at all. being financially dependent on someone scares me to de4th and furthermore could also lead to a control thing w the boyfriend, just seems like a complicated situation..
The irony is that she's not really that dependent on her boyfriend. She has her own source of income by the platform she use to gain one herself. I have a friend who is a literal stay at home girlfriend to a wife. However her husband loves and wants to support her so that's a different story.
@@melteddarkchocolate000 yeah, i was just speaking in general bc when you’re financially dependent on someone it could lead to the partner holding things over you/being controlling, i’ve seen it happen before w family members/friends it just depends on the dynamic of the relationship
@@ajtheepixie9534 yeah pretty much. I have my mom/family be financially abusive towards me. I can't really seek or ask them for help so I force myself to work because of them. If it's healthy it's no issues to work... It's a choice. If unhealthy, yeah you gotta sign that application, lol.
@@melteddarkchocolate000 does that money enough to support her privilege lifestyle? The true irony here is her bf money the one actually who sustain her way of life. Like tiktok literally took 70% of your profit
That’s why if you choose that route you have to have discernment about the man your with. My brother has a stay at home girlfriend he legit loves her.
I've noticed most of these girls have a certain "look" that men with money gravitate towards. This life really only works if you have a partner that makes enough money to support both of you.
They’re usually young, white and thin
Trophy 🏆 girlfriends
@@marohoh Ah, i just realized that this is the reason this trend makes me uncomfortable
They’re also the only ones posting it though. My stepdad was a stay at home boyfriend for years lol
@@sgnibble1 And blonde and tanned and fit.
so excited to hear your takes on this. as a disabled person, i’ve felt really yucky about how a lot of the conversations around this have been framed. “this is not a fulfilling lifestyle/a life worth living” oh thank you :))) i know they’re not talking ABOUT disabled women. but a lot of it applies to us just as much, and i haven’t heard anyone make the distinction or even acknowledge that some women, in fact, can’t work lol
yesss thissss. I'm someone who suffers from invisible illness and choosing a lifestyle where I can stay at home and prioritize my health has done wonders!
@@_salemtovar_ SAME! i wish people would remember that invisible disabilities exist before they attack every single person who doesn’t work a 9-5 job
This says it all how I feel about this too... 👆👆👆👆👆👆👆 Some of us have a difficult to impossible time finding work/job so the best we can hope for is either winning the lottery, finding someone who will financially support us or own our own business in sales. 🤷 People act as if it is easy for everyone to just go and find work... even if an interview happens, you never get hired, period!!! No matter what you do... no job will hire or the jobs that do are slave wages... literally can't live on the pay check. It is impossible out there. Don't get me started how Republican states make it impossible for the disable to get livable wages while expect us to still pay for everything... it is annoying AF!!! Expect e to work, but also don't want to give me work... the hypocrisy and double talk makes one go out and murder everyone!!!! Also the health hazard of some jobs aren't worth the pay. The list is long at how the monetary-market system was and still is a dumb idea to begin with.
@@_salemtovar_ Yes! I got a degree in a field that's dominated by remote work so that I can take better care of my invisible disability from home and I'm so happy I did. I used to work in restaurants before and it killed my body, I have no desire to go out to a job like that ever again.
@@poogissploogis oooh where do you work I’ve been looking for a job like that for my “invisible disability “
How is this point getting missed? The stay-at-home part is not the issue. The "girlfriend" part is the issue. Lots of women I know have stayed home (self included at one time) but with the added security of being legal partners. Without that, 10/10 cannot recommend at all.
For real thooo, it’s not hard to understand
You can be married and have a prenup lol. Lots of stay at home wives and moms also have been screwed cause they didn’t work or have an education. I think always bettering yourself in case your partner leaves is great, I don’t think it should be encouraged because most of these tik tok women are actually working. However, it’s really common regardless of title.
@@Dgnmuse that’s why if you have any brain cells and you fully expect to be the stay at home wife/husband you make sure the prenup is in your favor. Or just don’t sign one.
Sure, but that is a woman’s choice to make. I really hate how society acts as though women are completely incapable of making decisions for themselves without the oversight of the greater community to protect them until they are married. We do it all the time. It’s infantilizing and disrespectful to assume that grown women in a risky situation didn’t consider the risks before voluntarily entering that situation.
Sister I agree with you. Stay at home GIRLFRIEND just sound unemployed
As a stay at home mom, I wish I could make my life look as aesthetically pleasing as these SAH gfs. SAH parents (especially dads) get so much gripe for choosing our families first with most of our work being completely disregarded by society.
It is a little weird to think of this lifestyle being a trend, especially with how incredibly curated that type of content is.
I just hate this unnecessary hate of SAH anything vs those that work a conventional job. We make our decisions based on what makes sense for us at the end of the day. Anyone that makes you feel bad about that can go kick rocks.
You have children which is a full time job. Sahs dont
@@ksen333 children yes- full time job --- IF the parent decides to take care of the children.....but taking care of children doesn't pay anything financial.
"Choosing our families first"... Do you jmean, "doing what is right for our family"? Because most couples who both work outside the home are also putting their families first, doing what is right for their family. I think we all just need to focus on doing what is right for us and our life and spend less time worrying about how other people are doing it.
@@rochelle178 You’re absolutely right, all parents make decisions based on whats best for them and their families. I didn’t mean “putting family first” as something exclusive to SAH parents but I can see how I may have worded that wrong 😅
thank you!!!!
I respect everyone's decision to do whatever. My only advice is to make sure they have a backup plan. Like you don't plan for the relationship to fail, but you need a safety net in case it does or if your partner loses their job, or dies (you're not married, what happens to the assets). Just be careful
This exactly. If your partner is faithful and treats you with respect and you have a backup plan, then I see no problem with it. If the stay at home finds fulfillment in this lifestyle we can’t really tell them they don’t. Besides, haven’t marriage rates been in the decline anyways?
being a stay-at-home partner is fine if both people in the relationship agree to it and as long as nobody is economically dependant on the other
yess! i think if everything is done healthily, consensually & smartly- I don't see the problem!
How could you possibly be "stay-at-home" WITHOUT being economically dependent on your partner...? Unless you're just born filthy rich? It's not like "stay-at-home" even includes/refers to people who work from home.
@@alexbennet4195 did you forget freelancers can work from home?
@@kathy6149 “it’s not like “stay-at-home” even includes/refers to people who *work from home* “
@fagfrog7133 I haven’t lived in a country that had all those perks included in social security, so I wouldn’t know what it was like to be a stay at home girlfriend in such a place. However I’m still curious to know if there’s a way to have all of the following: 1) not economically dependent on significant other, 2) not from a wealthy family, 3) does not have a job aka is a stay-at-home girlfriend. I can’t think of a scenario.
My whole problem with the "Stay at home girlfriend" is the fact if your boyfriend ever leaves you or even gets sick, who will be there to support you? This problem is obviously fixed if you are their wife and not just a girlfriend. A wife actually has legal obligations to be together while a girlfriend can just be kicked out of the home no problems asked. The reason why this piques people's interest is because of the label "girlfriend" and not "wife". The best interest is getting married and money and everything will be sorted out. The other problem is inflation and things costing more. Nowadays to support a family, if you have one you need 2 people working a job to pay the bills. If you were a girlfriend you could be kicked out, let's assume 30, and you have no skills with jobs or anything. It will be EXTREMELY hard to get a job with no experience in a field and will be hard to get back on your feet. For this reason, I still stick to marriage as the best option and these women shouldn't keep their girlfriend status for long.
COMPLETELY agree. This trend makes me very uncomfortable for this very reason.
@@iam.andani yeah I’m jealous of an unemployed, unmarried woman who heavily depends on a man to survive. I’m jealous of women who cook and clean for grown ass men, I’m jealous of women who are most likely being taken advantage of by their boyfriends while they’re slaving away in the kitchen or laundry room over a guy who’ll leave her once he’s bored. I’m so jealous of “stay at home girlfriends”
@@iam.andani they are not trying to glamorize marriage , they are simply saying that marriage has more of a legal security then simple having the title of gf and bf
How about actually being with someone for life?! Find God and that will happen.
There's only worries cuz people get with anyone basically.
Marriage doesn’t guarantee anything though. I was married 22 years and when he left I got nothing because he had nothing …I got the 3 kids to support though that he wasn’t interested in . I don’t recommend staying at home to anyone
As someone living in india i kinda get the uproar about this , majority of women here are expected to stay at home and look after the husband and his family whereas the men provide for the family ( even though there are exceptions). I personally would never want to be a stay at home wife because my mum was one she basically has to depend on my dad for everything , if my mum had a job she would never ever be with my dad. It makes it difficult to get out of a relationship because you depend wholly on this person to survive.
That’s how nature intended. Men provide and women nurture but feminism messes up everything up and now everyone is miserable since it takes two incomes to maintain a household. We need to bring back traditional gender roles.
@@ilikepancakes2368 And stay within abusive marriages because women don't have the financial freedom to leave the marriage?
Hope your wish comes true, stay independent girlboss
@@rzangyz3672 🤞hope it happens soon.
@@ilikepancakes2368 why dont you stay at home honey? The pots aint cooking for themselves.you wouldn't last a day without your chai latte
Bro Roxy’s little eyebrows alone rejuvenated my skin, cured my depression, fixed my sleeping schedule and gave me a will to live. She’s so cute 🥺
So I actually went to school with a girl who openly didn’t care about grades and said she’ll marry a old rich man. Then she met a bf in school and he convinced her to have college goals and her grades went up crazy. She’s a stay at home dog-mom now lol.
Hopefully she’s still with the guy. Seems to be a very supportive partner.
Honestly this time I can't agree. Being a stay at home gf (not even a wife) is submitting the woman to her partner. When your gf/bf/husband will grow tired of you he/she will simply abandon/divorce you and puff your magic fairy tale is gone
The issue isn't the "stay-at-home" part, but the "stay-at-home GIRLFRIEND" part. Not only is that lifestyle largely unattainable for most people, but if your relationship breaks down, you're left on your own. Marriage gives you legal protection in case the relationship ends, and in general, marriages last much longer than dating relationships. Plus when you don't have kids you have FAR less stuff to deal with. I remember when I was a college student I spent only a few minutes a day on chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.), and I still managed to keep my apartment clean while eating relatively healthy. If your relationship ends you'll have to find a job, and it's a much easier transition if you already have a job than if you have to find one after you're told to leave your boyfriend's apartment. It seems like most stay-at-home girlfriends perform leisure activities, further showing their lifestyle is one of choice rather than necessity, and it shouldn't be encouraged. And I generally don't like to bring up race, but I can't help but notice that the vast majority of stay-at-home girlfriends are white. If a black person did the same thing they would be branded as lazy and freeloading. Overall I think people should have a career until they get married and have kids, after that it's fully your choice whether you want to stay home or continue working (and there's lots of in-between options, like part-time or gig job). Also, a lot of stay-at-home girlfriends aren't actually without a job, they often make decent money on social media or other work-from-home roles (and those jobs can be quite time consuming), so the better term for them would be "work-from-home girlfriend".
I don't feel like "just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong" or "It's completely normal in other cultures" applies to this phenomena tbh.I live in a country where it's VERY common,and even expected,for young women to be stay at home girlfriends,especially once the relationship gets a bit more serious,and most of them are miserable after a few months to a year MAX.The "it's just a different culture argument" gets thrown around a lot and in many different discussions,yet I think it's just a way for people to deflect valid criticism when it's given by people of a culture that isn't yours.I think it's OK for people to be able to critique and point out the things they don't like about their culture,even if not theirs (of course,as long as they are knowledgeable about that culture AND respectful).At the end of the day,it's really what you said though,it's all so personal and other peoples way of living shouldn't be taken to heart.
Sexism is very much a real deep-rooted problem in many cultures and not bringing THAT up for the sake of not critiquing ones culture is just deflection and not wanting to look deeper into the culture you were raised in imo.
Nevertheless,I appreciate your video Salem.It's fun and thought-provoking,as always
Yeah, I was thinking something similar... When "culture" as a different entity from the assumed default of America is referred to, while many women may be perfectly happy with staying at home, it doesn't mean ALL are. And they're the ones who suffer, tyranny of the majority. Not just for the fact that even in the US, single mothers-mothers being traditionally regarded as the epitome of female fulfillment-nevertheless get paid less than they need more often than not. The option to be different from the "norm" regardless of whether it's a collectivist or individualistic culture needs to be allowed and accepted, without the repercussion of less pay or shunning.
My grandma has seven kids and was a stay at home mom right from the start of her marriage. Sadly, my grandpa died, when the youngest daughter was just 11 years old. Even now, about 40 years later, it is hard for my grandma to handle everything on her own, because she was so dependent on him (mental health plays also a part). She always tells us to study, get a job and be independent before settling down with a partner. I dunno, it’s just one perspective and of course not the whole truth.
I've had to sorta adopt a stay-at-home role cuz my chronic illness makes it difficult to find work and when people make a ton of assumptions about stay-at-home partners and assume they're the worst it me feel *so* guilty for relying on my partner, luckily he's super supportive and reassures me when I need it but the constant "You're not able bodied and able to live alone and sustain yourself? Gross, clearly you're just lazy and don't wanna have to have a real job" really makes me feel terrible about it man
Literally no one is talking about disabled people when they think the whole "stay-at-home" dynamic is ick
@@alexbennet4195 Or those of us with disabilities or disorders that look ok, but can't get a job due to other factors... looking too young, or this or that or the other... the list is too long for this. We also have to care for those who have sick relatives or aging relatives, and can't work due to the fear of losing them. Life is nore complex than what those tiktok, IG, social media people make it out to be. You can't just simply go and get a job... and the jobs available will not hire you or give you a chance or the jobs are so low that you can't survive on it. There are many factors. Staying at home is an revolutionary act it seems to change the economic system, similar to how Quite Quitting or Sitting Down (Asian movement of working less hours or nothing at all) is but more extreme, no income movement through staying at home. I find all of these movements interesting, especially as a disable person. I do hope that the outcome will be either...a Resource-Based Economy or Universal Based Income.
@@alexbennet4195I understand that no one personally brought it up; BUT, the attitude around it also adds to the stigma surrounding disabled women staying home out of necessity. That’s the main issue! Not that people are consciously thinking that way.
@@LadyCoyKoi yess yess and yesss👏
@@alexbennet4195 ok, well something like 1/5-1/3 of americans are disabled sooo maybe they should be. access issues are so severe that people aren't realizing that possibly MOST stay at home partners are disabled bc disabled people are stuck in the damn house without pain mgmt, wheelchair access, or often even wheelchairs when they need them in the US
I think it's also interesting that people argue whether stay-at-home girlfriends *deserve* having this luxurious lifestyle. We're so used to thinking that having access to resources is a matter of meritocracy, while we don't even live in a real meritocracy at all. Sure, most people need to work to get money, but many people who work hard don't even earn that much, especially compared to someone who happened to invest in the right stocks, or was born into a rich family, or was born in a first-world country, etc. These stay-at-home girlfriends get to live this lifestyle because they're lucky to have a partner who has access to resources, and much of life is exactly just that, luck.
It’s not great to be a stay-at-home girlfriend cause you won’t get alimony if you ever break up. If the boyfriend is kind enough he might be willing to support you until you can get back on your feet and might even continue to provide you income but I’m not so sure with, a boyfriend. Be a stay-at-home wife, not a stay-at-home girlfriend.
By "get back on your feet" did you mean "find a new owner"?
@@ksen333 I think the "owner" here is the girlfriend if anything. She is maintaining the house and her boyfriend. Feeding the boyfriend, doing his laundry, cleaning and taking care of his house, etc. Its like owning a dog!
@@Halogen511 and he pays for her entire life style. A dog doesn't do tht
@@Halogen511 wait is she is girlfriend or his maid?
@@ksen333 extremely misogynistic and sexist
I felt called out by the laundry comment. I love listening to your videos while I fold clothes. I'm an elder millennial and I feel like your content helps keep me in the know of trends and keeps me young 😂 I appreciate you Salem! Hope you enjoy your day 💛
Once again you hit the nail on the head. I've been financially dependent on my husband for 2.5 yrs after giving birth to my daughter and now feel ready to start finding work again. The amount of shady comments I've gotten has been unreal. We are not rich but it was important for me to be with my baby for an extended time and not go back to work asap. We have sacrificed a lot in our spending and lifestyle but it's what we chose and I'm so happy I got to enjoy every second of my daughters life so far.
Good luck on your job search my friend
Thats great, but I think that is a different thing at least it is in germany, because you still get money during maternity leave and your job is secure for 3 years so you immediatly have a job if you would get into a position where you couldnt stay with your SO. So all in all I dont think (at least in germany) that you are fully dependent on your SO or at least not the same amount as a SAH wife
Sorry for my bad english
@@sternchen6596 Germany is a really good country by that means, with strong social justice and it would be great if other countries would take at least 10% of that example.
I feel like 98% of the time when someone screams anti-feminism, it's because they don't understand the movement's core philosophy.
I view myself as a feminist and I now wish I was in the position to be a SAHM while growing up I thought the idea is patriarchal.
People don't understand that women that don't work for money are as valid and valuable as the ones that work for money, and that the whole point of feminism is just that women can chose whatever they want, instead of taking whatever is being offered. xd
yeah, people don't realize the main difference is choice, you can CHOOSE the kind of life you have, you're not bound because of gender, that's what feminism is about.
@@Kamila-ey5vi yeah its not it babes not everything a woman chooses to do screams feminism some women chooses to trick women so some men can r them are those women are feminists too lmao (yeah I know sahm are not hurting anyone BUT THEMSELVES its literally and statistically safe to fully trust a man financialy and again statistically it doesnt work and most women end up in relationships where theyre there for the kids or silencely depressed)
There is a video from Olivia Sun she talks about feminism. I think you will like it. It gave me a new perspective when it comes to this.
@@Kamila-ey5vi Choice is only what legal feminism is about, and is simply the first step. Feminism is total liberation, not just from legal systems but also from moral systems of male supremacy. That includes standing against peoples choices, including womens, which are androcentric, patriarchal, or misogynistic - for example being the homemaker _because_ of the partners sexes/genders (aside from objective characteristics like pregnancy or nursing). And tending to see homemaking as inherently “not real work,” or lesser, or easier, is also anti-feminist as its derogatory gaze is _because_ it is seen as feminine. So people can even have different superficial views and choices, while coming from the same male supremacist reasons (see: “not like other girls”).
TLDR; feminism is about liberated choice legally but also about liberated reasons morally.
I know that domestic work has been so undervalued (as many things traditionally done by women are, I mean just look at how biology is currently being undervalued as more and more women enter this profession). But I would be interested to see if there are any “stay at home boyfriends”. If there isn’t a current of misogyny going through here somehow, then there would be men who would stay at home and do more domestic work if that’s how people decide that’s how their partnership should be. Maybe they’re not making content because of stigma against men who stay at home? Something that also concerns me are these women are so so young. If they break up, they’re putting themselves in a position to be incredibly vulnerable as I’m not sure if their side hustles would be enough to leave and find shelter if they don’t have a robust support system (as you mentioned). They may even fall for more predatory side hustles, like mlms/pyramid schemes, which are really popular among Mormon/military stay at home moms and promise financial independence when in reality they are preying on these women’s desire for community and control. This may be my bias but it all feels so “girl defined”, however maybe that is the internalized misogyny you were talking about, as well as how little of their lives we get to see
hey, my bf is a homemaker :) i work in tech. yes the stigma is severe, especially since he is femme and black and i'm a white butch female (we're a gay guy and lesbian couple but we're both panromantic). people think it's shameful from several angles.
How many cishet women would *legitimately* want a SAH cishet male though? Realistically. Not even taking into account or talking about misogyny or anything, just talking about the facts.
@@CaulkMongler Personally I prefer for us to be dual income because you never know when something catastrophic can happen where the sole provider can no longer provide. I do not want us to be reliant on one income.
But aside from that I'm totally down to have my fiance take on a lot of the domestic tasks that women traditionally do, tho it means I also take on some more traditional roles for men. The reality is that we each do a mix of both, we're equal partners in this. It isn't perfect, sometimes we need to adjust the division of labour/touch base when things feel inequitable.
@@SpecialBlanket
i aspire to have a relationship like u fr, i want to be the main provider too >:)
"Don't ever compare your struggles to someone else's highlight reel"
I'm too stoned to remember who said it, but hey, I still remember the message 🤷♀️🤣🤣
I think the disappointing thing about this type of content (and maybe what is really rubbing people the wrong way) is that it is framed to make these women's lives seem so easy and idealized. I'm sure they actually put a lot of work into the businesses/ content production that makes them money, as well as housekeeping tasks (because lets remember domestic work is real work and it's honestly playing into a sexist trope to suggest otherwise) and really they are doing themselves down by not showing that part of their lives.
Yeah, it's a shame that people view cleaning, cooking, etc as easy work. This seems to stem off the belief that the more money you make, the more effort you put into your work. Also the fact that homemaking is mostly women-dominated
@@dotheroar5957funny because the same people who promote that idea, are usually the same people who don’t wanna do housework themselves and wanna pawn it off onto someone else
Fair point
I could never be a girlfriend acting like a wife. But that’s just me
Gotta show wife tendencies in order to become someone's wife in the long run though. Not saying right away, but eventually lol
what do you mean by "acting like a wife" and why you couldnt if i may know?
@@EVOGenesis666 That stupid bc why would he marry you if you are already doing everything as a girlfriend. By buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
@Fatimá emphasis on 'EVENTUALLY'. timing is everything because only with time will you be able to figure out if the person is worth showing more of yourself to. Reread my comment. Who wants to be with a cold hearted, selfish person with no relationship skills?
@@Fatima-kp8hi dude wtf
Roxy is honestly so cute, and the fact she helpin your mental health makes her so much better. Love you babes 😘
Here is my take. First, I think it’s unremarkable. It’s basically woman is unemployed and stays at home mostly. The two important things are the “girlfriend” in the title and the fact her partner is rich. The title itself takes her relationship and makes it the most relevant thing about her. Her bf being rich is kind of triggering people who have anxiety about finances in general. I think that the appeal of this lifestyle to women nowadays is going to avoiding having to live a life with an ordinary 9-5 because it simply won’t let you live a life they really want. I think that the deep economic anxiety that like 99% of people are feeling is so scary to some women that hooking up with a rich guy and avoiding it is deeply deeply appealing.
The majority of people are going to look at this content and are going to get triggered immediately for this exact reason. Any promotion of a lifestyle that only a very select few can actually get away with is going to get a negative reaction and it’s deeeefinitely going to attract women seeking to avoid working low paying jobs to sustain themselves. The money issue also kinda bleeds into other subject matters like why women get into relationships in the first place and the negative stigma around that. Essentially, to me the real issue is the financial anxiety and not really her lifestyle as a non traditional or stay home content creator.
You missed the point in the first bit about sexism. It's not that these women are anti feminist or that they shouldn't be allowed to live like this. It's that they are sitting at home and providing for a man with no protection for themselves. In a marriage, there are protective measures in place, like alimony, that would prevent a stay at home spouse from being dumped on the street with nothing if the relationship breaks up. A "stay at home girlfriend" has none of these protections, she's missing years of work experience, and is completely financially vulnerable.
did you...watch the video? she addresses all of this...
@@felicidades6509 i was ab to say the same thing
Sounds like you didn’t watch the video. Bro wasted all that time typing an essay 💀
@@felicidades6509 the point still stands
The problem with choice feminism tho is that none of these decisions are made in a vacuum. Nobody is immune to propaganda. Is she empowered by her choices or is she choosing to uphold the patriarchy?
True, I feel like people forget that gender roles play a big part in this. There is a reason there isn't as much stay at home boyfriend content
@@dotheroar5957 yeah i know plenty of stay at home boyfriends who prob wouldn't post about it simply because they'd fear an attack on their masculinity
Sure, no one is immune to propaganda... and that includes feminists. The idea that certain lifestyle choices are inherently disempowered and "upholding the patriarchy" is a talking point that has been rammed down women's throats for decades, starting with second wave feminists like Betty Friedan, who argued that homemakers are resigning themselves to "a slow death of mind and spirit". 2nd wave feminism caused a huge push on the part of our society's elite to get women out of the home and into the workforce, idealizing the strong and independent girlboss who makes her own money and don't need no man. Even the government got in on this campaign; Gloria Steinem, the founder of Ms. Magazine, was funded by the CIA for her feminist advocacy. That's what a propaganda campaign looks like. Today, a lot of women are taught to find their sense of self-worth in their academic and professional achievements, and domestic labor is looked down upon as lazy and not real work. Most feminists today cannot fathom the possibility that some women *are* fulfilled and empowered by pouring their energy into homemaking. You're right that no one makes decisions in a vacuum, and their culture and community plays a part in it, but I find it incredibly ironic to assume that women would only choose homemaking because of patriarchal propaganda considering the history of feminism.
I recently had a paid month off work and yeah, if I had enough money to not have to work ever again, I absolutely wouldn't. Staying at home to get things done at my own pace, enjoy my hobbies, look after my pets, for me that's so much more fulfilling than having a job. Some people just have different desires and are wired different.
It’s actually incredibly sexist to view traditional feminine roles and tasks like cleaning and cooking as « doing nothing »
Yea
İt's not doing nothing. But... it's also something that someone with a job is gonna have to do anyway.
Like... 😅 Cooking and cleaning can only be done for so long. İf you don't have kids, the house is not gonna get dirty fast. You don't need to spend hours everyday cleaning. Sure cooking can take a while, but there's a lot of time between processes too.
Essentially, it's not a full time lifestyle. You gotta have something else going on to actually fill the time meaningfully.
Tell that to the guys who created that tradition only to shame women doing it decades later
I dunno I think education is absolutely the best thing possible. When I was younger and prettier I would have maybe really thought I wanted this. But after living 30+ years I’m sooooooo happy my mom made me work and get a career to fall back on if something didn’t work. I think that’s something huge missing most people don’t talk about. What happens when you get older. And everyone else around you has work experience but you.
I can’t support living differently without trying to push education and supporting yourself.
You know you can study and work at the same time right?
I come from a mixed family and my boyfriend is central American, we both contribute to the relationship in our own way. I woke up and made him breakfast so he could go to work, he helped me take a shower since I'm disabled and off work for a month, and he's paying for groceries right now. Our relationship fluctuates depending on what is needed and what we can each provide.
People say “it’s fine only if you aren’t financially dependent”. That’s so… dumb. Unless you are born rich or successfully freelance which in that case you’d still be working. You WILL be financially dependent on your partner. There are pros and cons to that lifestyle. You just have to ask yourself and your partner if that’s okay with you and them. Legal protection like pre nups are a good idea but unless you’re married you don’t have that so you just have to decide. As far as the claims of sexism and the perpetuation of traditional gender roles…. You have to decide for yourself. That’s it. Pros and cons to everything. There are women who want to be mothers and also want to work (“the best of both worlds”) and feel burnt out and miserable. There are women who choose “a side” and are miserable. You just have to find a partner who you trust and who is ok with how YOU want to live. No way of living is perfect or devoid of problems. Choose and shut up about others who choose as well. Xx Also when are we as a society going to stop attributing virtue to work. Working isn’t inherently good or bad. Laziness is a capitalist ploy. Rest doesn’t need to be earned.
@Can'tthinkofaname yep. I agree. You must choose for yourself what you’re willing to risk. That’s it.
My gripe with this content is the same as with any "aspirational" content. It sets unrealistic expectations that we put on ourselves. Chasing aesthetic and owning things, presenting a certain facade. The most unhappy people I know are the ones trying to keep up with the Jones'. Their social media presents one thing when in reality they're telling me privately how miserable they were in the moment.
People who hate on women who don't work are just that; haters.
Like babe, not everyone wants to be a 'girl boss'.
It's a job in itself to run a household (whether you have kids or not).
Just let people live and mind your own business (⌒‐⌒)
everyone is so different, I remember growing up I literally told my mom I was going to be a princess who didn't have to work a fulltime job LMAOO...it was already in my personality to want different things! and that's okay! some women grow up with different aspirations too, and it's all valid
You don't have to work to be a 'girl boss'.
Why do you call women that work girl bosses? Yikes
if it's a job in itself to run a household, why do i, as a chronically lonely single crazy cat lady (wihtout teh cats), have to do a regular job AND keep up with my house chores?
i'm asking this in jest, but i'm serious too.... like.... i totally agree that people can do whatever the hell they want and if they want to be SAH because their spouse/partners/roomies' approve of that then i have nothing against it. however.... again, us folks who don't have anyone else living in our homes still have to take care of our homes.
@@transsexual_computer_faeryhen I think of a household I think of a couple with several kids, maybe a pet or too. Not a single person. A house hold with these things takes lots of cleaning and care. The kids don’t clean and care for everything especially when they’re little. If the man is working full time it makes most sense that the women who doesn’t have a job takes care of most of the work and when he’s home he helps with the extra things. When you’re single you have 1 thing to take care of of. Yourself. Your own things. It’s very minimal amount of work. When you’re married with several children now you have 3+ more heads to feed, bath, care for in every little aspect, 3+ more bedrooms to keep kept, plus the whole rest of the house. Now I’m just talking about one specific lifestyle. Not everyone has a lifestyle like this. I think it’s common sense that every individual should have to care for their own homes.
my opinion on being a stay at home partner is basically: if you're all consenting parties then go for it, but It should be INFORMED consent. The stay at home partner needs to have access to the time, information and autonomy to really consider the implications of that lifestyle. and this applies to marriages too. becoming completely dependent on another person's finances is a precarious position, and needs more than just emotional consent.
people need to realise that housework is work. cleaning, cooking, childcare, all of these "domestic duties" are labour that has been ignored by the system for hundreds of years. when someone says women "didn't used to work" and they just "stayed at home and did nothing", they are ignoring the millions of lower-class women who worked their entire lives whether it was outside the home or within it, paid or unpaid. especially considering the fact that they had to do everything by hand before the washing machine, vacuum cleaner etc were invented.
I absolutely don't hate girls and women being stay at home, but I'm concerned and mortified over the fact that they may have trouble leaving if they have or need to.
I have two people that are close to me that where stay at home women and it ended horrible. It's scary how much the provider of the household has control of the other person.
1st one is my grandma. She has been married to my grandpa for the past 40 years or so. He is an retired miner and gets a really good pension. Grandma on the other hand has worked very little and was mostly a stay at home mom of 3 children majority of their life together. Grandpa used to provide for the whole family, so she didn't bother to have her own money or save anything. Well, recently it turned out that grandpa had an other woman on the side, grandma found out, but can't leave because she can't afford to live on her own or divorce him.
The other person was an close friend. She got together with a guy and they lived together for 3 years before he convinced her to leave her work and be a stay at home girlfriend. After a while he started to isolate her from her family and friends and she ended up all alone and depended on him very much. He started to sneak off at nights and it turned out he also was cheating. She ended things with him, but had gone trough hell as she had no money and absolutely nowhere to go. He owned their house and pretty much everything in it.
Yeah agree. I get it can be a fulfilling lifestyle for many (and it totally makes sense as to why it’s fulfilling) but in a capitalist economy you need to have your own source of income. My bf’s dad developed psych issues later in life, and he was a great partner for decades. During his psych break he still let his wife use his card to pay for a hotel room for her and their kids, but can you imagine if he wasn’t able to act like that due to the psych issues? She’s a sahm of 21 years and her whole family is in Australia. They plan on moving to Australia once my bf’s youngest brother is in college, but it’s just a horrifying reality and I have no idea how she did it.
As an Arab... women typically used to be "stay at home wives" but it kind of changed as women started going to school and stuff.... however it's still a privilege to have a husband that can provide for you without having to work
For me I understand stay at home moms, they take care of a kid and do like five different jobs (house keeper, baby sitter, personal chef, and probably others), while stay at home girlfriend, what do you do?, like does the partner pay them?, are they working from home? I just worry about financial dependency, bc at least if you're married you can get something, but if you break up with your boyfriend you just leave. I have seen videos on tiktok where women are stay at home girlfreinds, but I just don't understand it. I dont want people to think I'm shaming someone, but I just want to know why i guess?
It creates a huge power gap! He can tell you to leave at any moment and you get nothing. You're most likely homeless and jobless and totally screwed if things don't work out. It's definitely an interesting concept...
@〘⊹ • fag frog • ⊹〙 yeah, I think so too but if we're looking at these american tiktokers, we don't have these legal safety nets in place for dating couples, also I wanted to make it clear that I don't think that working is the only thing in life, but again these videos that are shown were showing them completely relying on a boyfriend to provide for them, without mentioning that bc they are tiktokers they are making money, this provides a false idea that just anyone can do this too, not everyone has a millionaire boyfriend, so its different. I do agree that basic living conditions should be more accessible however unfortunately its not.
I don't think allowance existed even in our own generation, muchless exists in the Zoomer generation. I know that 1950s housewives evened an allowance and she took over as the accountant of the household. She bought and paid everything using the husbands' money. Todays' zoomer gen have no idea how to make that work in todays economy we now have.
As a stay at home gf now fiancé and pregnant 😁 I haven’t worked in 5 years. We have had animals for 3-4 years. In the past year we’ve had 4-13 animals at a time. Even before animals my role was caring for my partner and supporting him in his career. (He’s a professional poker player). So lots of cleaning, cooking, helping him travel, supporting him in business decisions, meetings, etc. it’s been a ton of work. I’ve also had the opportunity to heal all my mental illnesses(which were debilitating and why I couldn’t work for awhile), I’ve had immense emotional support from my partner, we’ve worked intentionally & intensely on our relationship, and recently I’ve started a business of my own.
Everyone will have different lives and experiences. But I can assure you, stay at home gfs are VERY busy. 😅 there’s still so much to life, issues, problems, trouble to be had without children. Children just add another level to it.
It's about doing what you like, doing what you feel like doing. It's not a life for everyone, but for some it works and they're happy, and they don't hurt nor bother anyone by living that way. It can be much less stress. More time with your partner, a better home atmosphere. I caricaturize, but why would it be more worthwhile to wake up everyday at 6am, spend an hour in crappy packed transportation, work 8h at your boring office job that you hate with unpleasant collegues or boss, just to get home completly extenuated, and repeat the next day for the rest of your life ? (Ofc I exagerate and a lot of people enjoy their job !) When you could do otherwise and still live comfortably, and that being completly okay with your partner.
This is a hard topic for me I worked all my life and by the time I meet my now husband ... I started to be really sick, found out I had lupus and endometriosis. Also that I have heart issues and some other complications. I'm a stay at home wife. I was also feminist my all life. (Still are) but I lost basically all my feminist friends and still get judge in to daily basis since we bought a house and are like getting our life's like in a more comfortable positions, we travel once to twice a year and every time someone send me a very rude dm complaining I don't deserve the life I have. They would put me on a loop hole of heated discussions about how my opinion wasn't valid anymore because my husband supported me.
Like you said there is a lot more in a relationship that people know. The reason I'm not getting government help ( I live in Europe) it's because I'm trying to learn how to sew to open an anime business. Also I have a fixed client who pays me 150€ a month it's not much but it's a start. And I'm trying to go to college and fish my education.
I'm still fighting for myself at the same time I have a very tradicional lifestyle and I just think we need to be more chill to judge. It's true is dangerous to promote some life styles we should all have safety money. But I'm in no place to judge other peoples life style. As long they are respecting and nobody is hurting anyone. Just let people be.
I've been disabled and unable to work since my mid 20s, I'm not on tiktok so I had no clue that now not working is...trendy? Tiktok is so damn weird
I LOVE the point of that what fulfills every woman is different. I used to hardcore judge stay at home moms/wives because I thought: how could you possibly be satisfied with that life? Almost like they chose to live that way out of laziness. But I had to teach myself that although that life doesn’t interest me, it makes a lot of people very happy and that’s what’s important.
I’m a stay at home fiancé but I still do things on the side that make money. There’s nothing wrong with being a stay at home anything esp if your partner says it’s okay. At the end of the day we aren’t living our lives for the world but with our significant other.
I agree, I wish myg would still do atleast something, I bought her a $200 gym membership and she wont even go. She get almost everything she wants. But I dont think its good for her to do nothing. She has no life, or friends, and gets jealous, and depressed. What should she do to fix this?
@@asantesimmons4077 you should ask her what are her interest instead? Does she like to paint? Is she interested in Games? Books? I also think that making time together by going out on a walk everyday around the house is a good idea while talking about goals, ideas and wants in life or maybe know her mind more.
i was living with my bf last 2 months and was "Stay at Home Girlfriend" because i wanted to. you know, it is my only option now since im recovering and going throu therapy. And i really like those 2 months, i could focus of myself and my mental health and still be productive.
I just hope you're financially secure...
@@alexbennet4195 what do you mean?
@@lishan4657 you know what… “financial security” means…?
@@alexbennet4195 i just hope you know how to read a RUclips comment...
@@chroma._.5986 lol
Being privileged isn’t inherently wrong, it’s only wrong when someone weaponizes it
I feel called out. I was definitely doing laundry while watching this 😂 love you and your content!
LMAOOO at least you're getting it done, I've been procrastinating. My clothes been just sitting here for three days.
@@_salemtovar_ heyyyyyyy💕
In my opinion it's kinda privileged to think everyone can work a 9-7 like as a disabled person is this "stay at home girlfriend" lifestyle more realistic for me? Probably, but not in a way most people would see. I can't get married without losing benefits so there's this loop of there's no winning for people like me. Again this is just my personal perspective, much love y'all💕✨
I think this lifestyle can be very isolating. I love seeing people on my way to work in the subway, chatting with my coworkers and boss etc that is what so many people missed during lockdown. Small human encounters
These stay at home girlfriends seems like a gamble, like you are putting all that wife work but with none of the legal protection.
It is very privileged imo because finding love and enough money to be provided for is rare, assuming your not in it for the money
Tbh just because you say that something is healthy doesn't mean it is, or that it is any less misogynistic. There is also nothing more individualistic than being entirely dependent on your husband rather than having healthy community connections.
It bothers me that the labor of keeping a house cleaned and cooking every meal and all the mental energy that goes along with that is often not considered work. Like going to the office and sitting in front of a computer for hours is harder than scrubbing floors, cooking and raising children?
While I do agree cleaning the house should be considered a job, a job means you work to get PAID. If it was a job, your husband would be paying you to clean the house or raise your children, no so its not a job. But to you say that's harder than an office job, is just wrong. I work an office job and I have to deal with countless angry clients and there's a lot of pressure from multiple of my co-workers and bosses. Dealing with money from around thousands of people, while you have to deal with whos money? If you've never worked an office job, don't talk.
Agree, and its not time framed like for 8 hours, sometimes housework is at any time, sundays, holidays and yes, there is no retirement.
It can be if you are in the IT field, (Especially as a technical PM) and your clients act like literal children 😅.
Jk, jk-absolutely the aforementioned is honestly the HARDEST labor, because when it comes to caring for a WHOLE household, there are no sick days, 401K, leave benefits package, overtime or clock out hours. And you can’t leave if you are unsatisfied with the work conditions.
I know I’m one person, but thank you all for your sacrifice-truly 💜
If you can support you and your spouse with a single household income nowadays then go for it! My mom always said that if she could she would want to be a stay at home mom and do household chores all day. It can be fulfilling to some people. Personally I need a career but it's not for everyone.
My mom says the same thing but ignores the fact that her sister did exactly that and had to rely on my dad’s income to get her and her kids away from her abusive ex husband. I totally get why people find stay at home type work fulfilling, but being economically dependent on one income has so many dangers attached to it, even if you can provide for your full family and then some off of the one income.
Babe wake up, Salem Tovar just dropped a new video
What I really dislike about these „stay-at-home-girlfriends“ is that many of them almost shame or belittle women who do work by saying that we’re stupid for working and not just doing the easy thing and getting a super rich boyfriend to pay for our everything. Also just blatantly ignoring how very privileged it is to be able to afford they’re luxurious lifestyle on one salary. Also - calling yourself a stay-at-home-girlfriend makes it sound like you’re similar to a stay-at-home-mom when in fact staying home and raising children is actual work, filling yours and your boyfriends water bottles is not.
You can be a housewife with no kids and that’s still work. Maintaining a household is work. Don’t be a hater
@@SynterraSteen exactly, like how is cleaning and cooking and sht not work if it's not being done for children? makes zero sense.
I mean, they're stay at home gf so how else should they call themselves ? you seem to hate a bit on this kind of women, but idk I don't have tiktok so maybe it's as bad as you describe it, but i would be surprised to see videos where they call working women stupid lol
@@SynterraSteen Especially in places that are tropical humid regions, like South Florida. Mold,dust and dirt gets onto everything easily. Plenty of cleaning to do. 😨😭
@@LadyCoyKoi yeah, and plus women usually do more of the work in general than the male partner does. It's strange how much hate women get for existing as if women aren't independent with the crap they deal with and do for themsleves to survive compare to the men who usually leech themselves onto women for help. If we do the same with men we are label as "gold diggers"
It's crazy to think that 50+yr ago women had to defend going to work. And now we're having to defend staying at home 😂 Today most ppl expect women to work 8hrs, come home, cook, clean, grocery shop etc. 9 out of 10 married women I know do this. Like dam, give us a break. If you're happy doing that, then I'm happy for you. But women aren't robots. We're all different & every couple is different. My bf & I bought our first home in Jan 2012, I stopped working in June. We got married in 2014. We did what was going to make us both happy. Whatever we want. I enjoy looking after our home. I'm a homebody. He knows if it ever becomes necessary- I'll go to work but his income is enough to keep us plenty comfortable. I don't tell him what to do & vice versa.
being a stay-at-home is ok, as long you have a financial backup.
having started working at 14. Forced to stop working at 31, back in 2020 due to a list of health problems. Forcing me rely on my husband. I cant with this subject... But then thought "its Salem, if you can watch anyones video on this".... Yup. You are the best Salem
I think it’s really smart to point out that people share content, it’s usually a highlight reel that doesn’t show the whole story of what their life is like… HOWEVER we should still be critical of what type of content we choose to highlight/share vs not share, as well as content we choose to consume. A creator who chooses to romanticize a certain aspect of their life is making a choice, and an audience that elevates certain types of content over others is also making a choice, and we should be careful about dismissing content with the argument “obviously everyone who sees this knows this isn’t the whole picture” because… some people don’t know that 😂😂😂
I personally don’t like working, but I do it because I would get bored with my tons of hobbies if I stayed home all day. I have ADD and get bored easily, which is why I have so many hobbies. I sew, embroider, hike, run, create AI art, watch true crime, blog etc. I get bored easily and work gives me something I have to do and lets me have weekends and evenings to do my hobbies. I also wouldn’t feel fulfilled. Also, stay at home girlfriend and not wife? I don’t know about that. He’s not committed fully. And here in SoCal you can’t have one person working and the other not. Rent doesn’t pay itself lmao. I’m 30 and a millenial so I’m not going to speak of what Gen Z does, but just for me at my age I couldn’t stay home.
for me I work, but its not fulfilling because there is more that I want to do instead of sitting in an office all day. However, a stay a home girlfriend doesn't provide financial stability, depending on what your partner is paying for, whats stopping them from kicking them out, and depending on how long they've gone without work, I can't imagine how easy it will be to find a job. I saw some people on here are talking about people with disabilities or how not everyone want to be a "girl boss" however I feel like that is a different conversation, we have able bodied 20 somethings staying at home not working, so I just genuinely worry about financial stability, and how much power they have.
Love this… I’m Mexican and I always looked down on stay at home.. wifes/husbands……but the more I experience things the more I can appreciate that some people get to stay home. Sometimes I’ve been jealous of them 😅 but I’m willing to work to get myself there.
I'm Mexican as well and I've never really saw myself staying home and things like that, I'm studying hard to get me "dream" job but sometimes I feel like it would be nice to stay at home for a few days getting a break😭🤦
Being a housewife doesn’t nab you can’t do anything. It just allows you the freedom to pursue your dreams without worrying about how you’re going to pay your bills.
@@SynterraSteen Yeah like everyone can choose what they want like if you want to stay at home or be independent that's totally fine! People shouldn't be judging you at all on what you wanna choose, it's all about on what you rather have and feel is best for you
Honestly I would love it if I would be able to stay at home. I would start a side/ minijob as a florist, which is honestly my dream but, its a job that doesnt provide a lot finanical stability.
@@Jillberto what you want, wants you. I believe in your stay at home-florist dreams
I dislike this trend because (at least in the tiktoks I saw) it is meant to be provocative and controversial. The notion of a stay at home mother acknowledges the fact that being a mother is extremely tough work, a fulltime job. Similarly, a stay at home wife traditionally would take care of the household for a legally committed partner. There's nothing wrong with these two notions in my eyes. The problem of stay at home gf is that commitment isn't guaranteed to your own expense (he is free to dump your ass any time). In order to maintain this lifestyle in this day and age, your partner needs to be quite wealthy, unlike during the time that the housewife was a popular aspiration (it was more doable on a single average income). Flaunting your lavish lifestyle to young, impressionable and likely less well off young women is irresponsible. I think it is becoming more and more prevalent to focus heavily on a prospective male partners income instead of other qualities. Unfortunately not every guy is going to become wealthy no matter how hard he tries.
In any case, I encourage these stay at home girlfriends to take a hard look at themselves, evaluate what little they are doing to benefit society, and perhaps develop some goals instead of bragging about their archaic archaic way of living.
I agree, I think being a stay at home girlfriend but still having financial backing is ok, but those content creators should really be careful with how they portray their positions. Taking care of household stuff isn't easy either. Not to mention that a lot of these women are usually very privileged already, in fact some of these videos are very reminiscent of trad wife content, which is my greatest issue with all of this. I feel that many of the comments here are a bit too positive (?), ignoring all the gender roles, expectations and elements of tradwife ideology that go into these. Sure, staying home and not having to expose yourself to exploitative work conditions might seem fine and dainty, but then why aren't more men promoting this? To be honest, I think a lot of the ignoring negative aspects has lead to people who want to reinforce sexism fly under the radar in the comments section.
And concerning the privilege aspect, a lot of this seems western-centric, ignoring that women from other cultures generally suffer under these conditions and expectations put onto them to be nurturers and homemakers.
And also I feel that a lot of this is very hetero-oriented, you can't help it, but it truly is this way. I'm aware that the stay at home "niche" in the end is mainly pandering to straight people, but there sure must be a reason most of the stay at home couples consist of a provider boyfriend and homemaker girlfriend, a dynamic less seen in queer relationships.
About a point often brought up concerning disabilities, I think it's fine to stay home if doing a 9-5 is not a possibility, but I feel that a lot of commenters ignore that we should push for more equal treatment and support for the disabled, as only encouraging a stay at home mindset may be even more dangerous to disabled people, who are often way more vulnerable than non-disabled individuals. I'm autistic and cannot see myself working "publicly" (face-to-face communication, etc) but I would also rather not rely on someone, especially a male partner, to rely on.
A lot of this seems like choice feminism to me and this content may discourage people (young women) from pursuing things outside their comfort zone, idk though
Eh! Ppl will get mad over anything. A woman on Twitter posted not too long ago that she likes to drink coffee with her husband in the morning in their garden and ppl took that really personal. It wasn't even like an oprah level garden (not that it matters or diminishes what she has). She just had a small vegetable garden. Ppl asking her to check her privilege 🤣🤣🤣🤣. The comment section was cringey.
That radio guy with curly hair has also taken shots at oprah for having a food garden and that she's being inconsiderate since ppl are suffering or some vague sh*t like that 🤣🤣. He owns houses worth millions of dollars himself. If a man was gardening, it would be "ground breaking and down to earth" not an elite activity. Women, you will never satisfy everyone. Do you.
My only problem with the “stay at home girlfriend” thing is that it shouldn’t be happening unless they’re married Im sorry. If you wanna stay at home be a wife. Or when your boyfriend decides to leave you you will have nothing…. Be smart ladies. No women should be a stay at home GIRLFRIEND only stay at home wife
I see disabled people talking about how they were forced into this living situation but don’t hate it, and to me that’s all the more terrifying
I really truly feel like some of it is hate based on bitterness and disappointment and insecurity. Here are these beautiful women living in beautiful homes surrounded by beautiful things, and who doesn't want all that? It's the pain of failed aspirations. Of feeling like you're never going to have what they have, you're never going to be pretty/thin/whatever enough to have what they have. Or feeling like your relationship is bad and why can't you be taken care of and be stress free, too. It really shows to me that some people are projecting and they need to unpack why they put their assumptions and judgment in these women's lifestyles. So I appreciate your take. It was very fair, balanced, and nuanced. Thank you. You never disappoint 🤗
Tbh I feel like most people are only worried in the way that being a stay at home gf can get unsafe unlike in a marriage. Also some people might come from cultures where stay at home wives is the norm (and results in negative feelings in the wives). I don't think it's protection most of the time, content creators just may want to be careful of how they present things as being a stay at home gf/wife is also hard work and should be done with mutual consent and safety
Honestly it sounds awful to have rely on someone for everything like a pet, as well as super boring (it makes sense if there’s kids). It’s also concerning if the woman doesn’t have a backup plan or comes straight out of high school because then they can make their own money if they need to
Exactly!!!!
nice job infantilizing womens choices. yes God forbid a woman do something you personally wouldn't do.
Your comment sounds belittling. If they’re both adults, they know what to expect. Believe it or not, complimentary roles makes things easier in the home.
@@moontears3887 the truth is belittling now?
woah I'm early! I've been watching ur videos for a long time and love them. Keep doing ur thing Salem, u really put a lot of effort into these 💓
ty!! love you
A really great video as always ! (and your voice is so soothing)
The topic of disability has been brought up in the comments already, but it reminded me of a conversation I saw surrounding stories like those of Cinderella.
For many (non-disabled) women, her story would be seen as anti-feminist because Cinderella don't do much outside of household chores, she's not independent, fighting for herself, standing up to her abusers who she depends on, ect. She's more passive until she is helped by her fairy godmother, and eventually meets the prince who take her away from this abusive household.
But then I saw someone say "as a disabled person, this story actually feels empowering". Because despite not being able to "do much", Cinderella was still deemed worth of love, worth to be saved and loved for who she was, and not just for what she can do.
And as a disabled and chronically ill (and poor lol) person myself, I do find comfort in having an outlook on life where we can be valued not just through what we can produce, but through who we *are*.
I do understand some of the criticisms in the stay at home gf trend (especially the privileged lifestyle and the aesthetic that is kind of TikTok's overall disease, no matter the type of content), but the focus on "you don't do anything to deserve this" feels like some people need to unpack internalized ableism. Why does it matter so much that people *do* something to be happy and cared for? in that line of logic, does that mean disabled people who can't work, can't even do household chores, aren't deserving of love? or must we be miserable and suffer for it to be acceptable? Can't a disabled person be happy, or does this happiness HAVE to be earned through access to a job?
A society is a group that cares for its weakest members, but it feels capitalism drilled it through our skulls so hard that we can only be fulfilled if we give our whole life to overwork ourselves in hope of a sliver of comfort and happiness (despite this amount of work being anything but natural) that the idea that there can be members who simply don't work and that they still deserve to be cared for really throw some people in a loop.
anyway sorry I didn't want to hijack your video, but I just wanted to expand on this because it was at the back of my mind ^^
The problem with this kind of content is that it promotes something that isn’t realistic for 99% of people. I see too many people idealizing stay at home mom/wife/girlfriend situations, when they are often done out of economic necessity more so than due to having the wealth to make it feasible. Literally, the financial situation is getting more tight and it’s bizarre to me that younger women are leaning more toward these fantasy lifestyles versus being practical about how they will actually survive. I understand the draw psychologically, but we have to come to grips with reality.
Love this take ! I have been in a relationship for over 5 years , 3 years ago I quit my job to start my own buisness & now I have 3 sources of income & im getting paid more than I ever have. I have disabilities & finding work was always hard for me , my partner funded my basic needs for about 6 months while I started my buisness & I got a lot of judgment from even my closest friends. But together we have been able to purchase our first house !! Making money is hard & even tho I work for myself doesn't mean I don't have a job. I'm just glad my partner never held standards over me & understood my plan in life , supporting me the whole way through , relationships are 50/50 & there's so much social media doesn't get to see
I was diagnosed with a disability august last year and have been unemployed and on financial aid since (which is actually livable in my country) and I think that's changed the way I see work a lot. Work was having a terrible impact on my mental health, and I know not everyone is disabled but I also know you don't need to be disabled to have a bad time at work. So I don't really get the point of saying everyone needs to have a job at all times no matter what, even if their current lifestyle is already sustainable and more enjoyable.
So true!
WELCOME ROXY 😍😍😍😍😍
ALSO this is almost full circle now, people really want all of the perks of marriage without all of the responsibilities. It just doesn't work that way long term ✨
What's the difference if you're in a serious relationship ? I live with my now husband since years, getting married didn't change our lives at all, it's the same. As long as both partners are serious about, I don't see why that can't work long term, quite the contrary actually
Also, doesn't financially depending on your boyfriend puts pressure on them to behave a certain way? To be more "submissive" or to let them maybe mistreat them?
I mean you can assume, but sometimes it’s never the case
I think it’s 100% okay if you’re a woman and you wanna stay at home and do the house chores as long as you’re happy and that’s what YOU want to do
If you’re being forced into it then ofc like hell no that’s not okay, but if a woman is happy with that life style we shouldn’t put them down for it-
I generally dgaf what ppl do with their lives, if staying at home is what u want in ur life then go for it. It’s not a foreign concept to me - my mum has not worked in over 20 years. I have nothing against the stay at home lifestyle, it’s just another way of living on this planet. But I will never glamourise the idea of the stay at home GIRLFRIEND. You are not married. You have no rights here. He could leave you at the drop of a hat, find a new gf, cheat on u, whatever and you would be left with NOTHING. Likely no money, possibly no home, no good job in ur future to support yourself (huge gap in employment history), likely isolated due to spending a lot of time at home, etc. A stay at home girlfriend is a disaster waiting to happen because your livelihood relies solely on ur man’s whims. This isn’t some radical feminist rhetoric, it’s just a fact. Being in a relationship as a stay-at-home-girlfriend is perfect and amazing and fulfilling right up until it isn’t. Sometimes it will always be amazing and you’ll live a very happy life together, but if it’s not, you have no safety net. He owes you nothing legally. You are so financially dependent that it is *dangerous*. The only exception would be if your family is rich and can prop you up if/when he leaves, but that is rarely the case as the lifestyle isn’t really about that. Also, in the case where you are lucky enough to be a freelancer or work fully online and therefore do not rely on ur partner economically, I don’t see an issue. It’s all about the safety net.
off topic but my ferret (instead of dog) saved my life too, when you have a pet, i would usually be depressed. When i got my pet to crawl up to me when im sobbing and look at me with their small cute eyes i cant even stand to cry cuz i wanna hug them so much
Pets also helps to strengthen and heel bones and other parts of the body. 🥰
The stay at home tiktokers lie to you. They are making money through those tiktos. They spend hours editing them and tgen lie they cleaned his house for this long. Wake up
Exactly, part of the problem is they also lie to sell a lifestyle. I don’t believe a word anyone says on the internet 🥱 I mean, whatever floats their boat
I think so too. They know they will piss people off bc views will make them money LOL
THE SOUP ANALOGY HAD ME CACKLING at 10 💀
A lot of it seems to come down to - is it privilege or are you just jealous? I think there is usually a bit of both happening
thank you salem for making this video and providing a read on this with a lot of nuance, empathy, and grace. i've been a "stay at home girlfriend" (aka unstable self employment while my fiance works more, although he has also been unemployed recently) and i feel like a lot of people who have responded to this trend have been less compassionate and nuanced than you in their own takes on it.
i do have my own thoughts on this tho, so youtube comments essay incoming lmao
while the "stay at home girlfriends" themselves might have some valid critiques, the widespread *response* to the trend is what actually concerns me. the people calling home labor/reproductive labor lazy, useless, worthless, etc, is absolutely wild.
home labor is constructed as dumb labor, not valuable; this labor is connected to femininity and women in general, but specifically and primarily to women of color. the rich white women who live in homes with two incomes then outsource their home labor to women of color (who are treated horribly and paid terribly) because they view household labor as worthless, a waste of time, and far beneath them, and this arrangement is then celebrated as White Feminist Girlboss Moves. this is just an expression of an intersection of racism and sexism perpetuated by those belonging to white femininity and american culture at large.
most hetero-paired women in america work full time, their partners work full time, and then the women are expected to do most--if not all--childcare and home labor on top of that full time job anyways. and when these women have their children, the husband's job usually gets priority because women make less (even less when the lens of racism is also considered) and it makes more financial sense for them to take maternity leave (when often paternity leave on the same scale isn't even offered).
there's definitely some issues with a stay at home girlfriend trend, but i also think it's wrong to criticize it too much because this arrangement is at its core a consequence of sexist and racist institutions and systems that make this a valid option. and even if these stay at home girlfriends made individual choices to prioritize their career and finances, it wouldn't change the sexist and racist systems that led to the stay at home girlfriend arrangement be a valid or sensible option for some.
i think the "best" solution to this would be for couples to economically survive off of 1 or 2 part time incomes so both partners can equitably contribute to household and reproductive labor. but this is pretty far off socially and economically lmao
It is privileged in that you have to specifically have a partner who has a high enough paying job that they don't hate and be willing to be the breadwinner. But i dont think it's wrong. I would love for my job to be to take care of a home and chores and whatnot. But that will never happen for me because my partner doesnt have a super high paying job because well, most people don't
Love the black hair!
ty!!! I love it too
Your dog is so chill it’s adorable 🥹🥹
shes so tinyyy and shyyyy i love her smmm
What I think is interesting is that the women living as stay-at-home-girlfriends are in their early 20s but it's very unlikely their boyfriends are. Most men in their early 20s aren't successful enough in their careers to buy a house/pay rent for a luxury apartment on their own, let alone support another person. So what's not being said is that these women are likely dating men at least several years older than them, if not a decade-plus older. In the U.S., there's a very short time period where women can live such a life (predominantly thin white women in their early-mid 20s, because even by their late 20s, society expects women to be married, have kids or be ramping up in her career). This lifestyle is not even an option that's available to most women in America.
My mom is a stay at home wife, and let me tell you, she works her ass off keeping the house clean and us and the dogs fed, clothed and well cared of. Its not the life for me, but it's not a lazy choice, they work all day and don’t get paid for it, they also can't just "go home" after a shift, it never ends. My problem with these girls is that they don't have the law in their side, not being married gives them way less security, they should not be in such a precarious situation.
Is anyone else bothered by how consumerist these tiktoks are? I was expecting more home crafts and baking content but it’s mostly just “look at all these products I have, here’s my expensive coffee pod machine and juicer machine and my 11 step skin care routine and my fridge is filled with trendy food products”. They feel like advertisements, and if that’s not intentional it concerns me how these videos conflate consumption with fulfilment and activity.
The only main problem with this trend is if the relationship doesn't work out the girl will be on streets with no money
I grew up learning emotional dependence on my ex partner in high school so now that I’m in a new relationship I’m realizing that that’s a problem and I’m working on unlearning those habits. Kind of unrelated but that’s why I think high school relationships without parental supervision & guidance are not great
I’m trying to unlearn that it’s easier to depend on somebody to love you instead of learning how to love yourself. The stay at home gf reinforces that codependency and doesn’t promote introspection/self love
I would never depend on another man to buy me stuff, not only would what I spend money on be controlled, but if he turns out to be abusive I would have no other option but to stay with him. No thank you
Saying that because theyre stay at home they are "not working" it's so disgusting to me, we are just so quick to dismiss the work you have to put to clean and maintain a house, the work that most of women do without getting paid, what's the difference on a girlfriend cleaning the house or hiring someone else to do it, it's the same work, but if the girlfriend do it it's not work anymore, cooking him his meals? That's what all chef do, but if a stay at home gf does the same thing, she's being a servant for her bf. Ofc I'm leaving behind the money imbalance part off, because we all know about it, but we also don't know their relationship with their partner.
I guess I have such a negative reaction to this type of content because being a sah partner is what is expected of me from my culture. It was such a boogeyman as I was growing up. I never wanted to be that but was always surrounded by people who saw it as my default. I also saw the women around me being exploited because of their lack of financial independence. I grew up seeing women in my family having to ask their husbands for money to buy sanitary products for themselves or to buy their parents' medicine. I hated the idea of having to ask a man for my own sustenance, my indulgences. I saw men in my family question the women when they had supposedly 'overspent'. The lack of financial independence made the men around them treat them like children and I never ever wanted to be like that.
Obviously this is something that I have to deal with and work through, but that is why I personally had such a negative reaction to this trend.
I’d love to be a SAHM with a little side business. Keeping a house clean and functioning is full time in itself! Being home is the best. My Introverted dream.
I’m an introverted autist so being a stay at home girlfriend is great for me. I love spending the day alone with my cats. I get the concerns but this is working for me right now.