Unpopular Opinion: Nothing in Life is a Waste of Time
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- Опубликовано: 29 ноя 2021
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We often wonder what we could have done with all that time in life that seems wasted. Well, today let's talk about why nothing in life is a waste of time.
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How about divorcing family members
I hear the Witch King of Angmar also got Fabulous Premium because it was great for hobbit tracking.
Just want to say that I used your discount on a previous video and have been getting a lot out of the Fabulous app.
@@merri-toddwebster2473 Likewise! It's been genuinely helpful in keeping up my morning routine: I had the worst two weeks of the last decade after getting that app and I still only missed my routine once. (The day after I got my booster shot, when I was too exhausted to do much of anything.)
ruclips.net/video/eq8r1ZTma08/видео.html
*"Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going." - Sam Levenson*
ohhhh my god I love that so much
gamers be like:
Musical and visual version of this quote (minus the first word): ruclips.net/video/G5xaQUDm3zM/видео.html
"Keep going" is such great advice for those of us who struggle with executive dysfunction. Just like the Big Ben wonder in Civilization 6, "keep going" can bring some serious economic benefits, whether it's actual money or intangible currencies like happiness.
@@rootofthechord Reminds me of Seventeen's song called Do Re Mi. ಥ‿ಥ
I feel like it's such an encouraging song for someone who has ADHD and its comorbidities who always hesitate on "keep going" because... life's so hard and confusing and of course, executive dysfunction. Plus the unknown and uncertain future is scary... ha ha.
Agree! I’m the chronically late co-worker 😆
i think we live in societies that value results over the process so when we don't get the results we wanted, or the "ideal" results, we consider the process itself "a waste of time". the process is just as important and valuable because that's what helps us learn and grow and i'm glad you brought it up.
+
Agreed.
I think the reason behind this is that people can't see progression(generally/usually) they only see results and judge accordingly.
This remind me of when I was a customer service agent. I spent a time working with US customers and then was transferred to Canadian. I am from the US, but for me working with Canadians was easier because Americans expect results fast whereas Canadians want to know that you care about them and are doing your best to solve their problem. Most people found working with Canadians difficult, but it worked to my strengths, being able to take the time I needed to make sure I solved their problem, follow up on issues and even chat about random things. You ask them about the weather and it's not small talk, you get a genuine answer and can have an actual conversation. So my day was a lot more diverse, interesting, and I could do my job well simply because the focus wasn't on results but on connection and effort.
A year into late adult diagnosis, I am working through what being more "productive" means for me. And it's starting to look a lot like it is the process, the journey, not just the destination or expected outcome. This dropped at the perfect time.
@@ThatOneLadyOverHere that's very interesting. thank you for sharing!
I see a lot of frustration in ADHD women that they didn't finish this thing or that thing. That they haven't hit these mile markers in life the their non ADHD peers do, but I feel like I've gotten so much put of the things I've "failed" at. And because I'm able to quit things I can move on when I'm not happy with a situation, and that ending a relationship or a job or whatever... Isn't an end. It took many years to get to a point where realizing that it's not about the destination it's about the journey. Sometimes it's a bumpy ride... But dude it's been a ride.
Well said!
True. Because let’s face it the ending is the same for everyone: 💀.
I feel that way since I dropped out of school at 14
I suppose failure is a good teacher but it sure is disappointing
Definitely relate as a woman with ADHD! I think especially because we have more biological timers on stuff. And it’s a great comment you have there about being able to walk away from a bad situation. I’ve always been able to do that and I never thought of it as especially powerful - it’s interesting you point out it is an important trait as so many people get trapped. Maybe a good side to ADHD? 🤔
I needed this. I’m constantly stressing about being efficient as possible because I’ve always been slow at doing things compared to my peers.
facts man. You wanna talk on Instagram or snapchat cos I need someone to talk to who's similar to me lmao
@@l3w667 i can talk if u want, i feel the same way
@@eleonoradelpiano8635 okay sure, drop your snapchat or insta :)
Same, I'm a slow worker but a good one. It's hard to keep those concepts separate.
@@l3w667 youtube keeps deleting my replies idk why
As a therapist and someone who lives with ADHD this was so validating and definitely a great perspective to have!!!
Damn I need a therapist with Adhd xD
Hi! Fellow therapist with ADHD here. 👋🏼
There is more of us!
More more more!
Hey me too!! 🙌 🤠
It’s hard to maintain friendships with ADHD. I never know where I’ll land on the emotion roulette. Should I enter hermit mode for too long, they just move on. Some people are resentful while fewer others may be understanding. But even with people who are understanding, it can be difficult to form close and lasting relationships.
I feel that regularly. I have never felt I truly grasp how to intentionally make or keep friends.
Yes!! That added with the fact I don’t get attached easily makes it 10x worse.
@@SirMysticRob I have a revolving door of acquaintances. I was doing decently earlier this year with being fairly consistent about reaching out but then my depression worsened, and I had many "zero" days in which I basically do nothing and have no drive to do anything. The friendships I've built up had fallen by the wayside. They were patient with my unavailability, but they feel more like acquaintances now. I don't blame them.
@@humangirl8539 I also don't get attached easily. But as I've gotten older, I've become more aware of the importance of socializing in-person and feel a greater sense of loss than I would have when younger after drifting apart from some people.
Just enjoy the fact that you do have friends, even if they come and go. Ever since I got divorced 6 years ago, I haven’t been able to connect with anyone. Never mind exchanging phone numbers…
Never like the idea of waste of time. Nothing is actually wastage of time.
Well, you wasted some time off the phone or listening to music or playing games? Its not waste of time as it boosted your mood.
You wasted some time sleeping? Well, now, you can work even more productively.
You "wasted" some time doing your favourite past time? Now, you feel better.
You wasted some time in a course you don't want to do? Well, you learnt a lot of new things which added up to experience and now, you can tell everyone when not to do so.
Well, you wasted time in wrong places and relations? More to the experience.
Wasted time talking to someone? Now you feel better and light
Every wastage would add up to something whether it is something minor or major
This!
Love this, always seeing something positive
The only things that could be called wasted are the dreams, ideas and opportunities we left untested due to peer preassure, perfectionism or insecurities.
Yes! And to add to the one about talking to someone. Maybe that conversation was more for them than for you. Maybe they needed that.
I don't actually feel better after doing many of those things when I was supposed to be doing something else. It's only when I engage in them mindfully that they make me feel better. Video games, for example, are great when I'm supposed to be doing them. When I'm doing them when I really really need to be doing homework, it's anxiety inducing because I can't stop.
Tangent on the living alone thing: One thing I've noticed in self-help circles is that people now are strongly encouraged to be independent.
In fighting to reach this kind of 'pinnacle' and through consistently failing, I've been gradually realising that there's fairly little historical precedent for living overly-independent lives.
In fact, being made an outcast was pretty much a death sentence that people had to overcome by getting a society to re-accept them before they died from lack of help.
Some people can live very independently these days and good for those that can and like it that way.
For those of us who struggle to live independently, the attempt to live alone can teach us things, yes. What I'm realising is that living totally off one's means need not be the 'gold standard of human living'. It's always been very human for adults to need help from other adults. One is not a child for needing help. Societies have survived because they're societies with people within helping each other out.
I think we each have a bit of a line (with some good leeway too) as to how much support we need, and how much independence we can reasonably manage. I personally feel it's a positively human quality to need support from others and to want to offer support back to others too.
Absolutely love this comment, I think about this a lot, how humans have evolved to need each other. Thank you for taking the time to write it this out here!
Well thought out response but I’m going to disagree with the major assumption. Living alone/independence doesn’t need to be to the exclusion of human relationships. I think of it more as being enough internally for yourself. Too often, people think that someone else will “complete” them and in living alone, you get to see what your preferences and set points are, i.e wake and sleep times, meal times, rather than trying to bend to fit someone else’s mold. We still want others, to help with accountability and for any number of other reasons but we don’t NEED them.
@@TheBaumcm Yeah, this does get into the crux of the 'argument' where there's this grey area about how much we each need/don't need other people. And it's really interesting to see/hear different people's views on where the edges of the grey area are :)
One of the hardest part of ADHD for me is the constant guilt that comes with it. I constantly have to remind myself that millions of other people are also sitting still on their couch watching TV at the same time I am, enjoying their free time, and that it's nothing to beat myself up about.
I think we have such a cultural fear of failure that plays into this too. That if we can't succeed at something immediately the first time we try that it was a waste of time and it would be a waste of time to try again. I think we would all be less stressed if we allowed ourselves to fail. If we started looking at failure as something good, because it teaches us something! Failing is valuable in its own way, and it's okay if something doesn't work out be it a relationship, a job, or a hobby, or whatever!
thank u these are the exact words i wanted to hear !!
YES! So true on so many levels.
As a child I was taught people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime. I have had friends and relationships that were all three, and I got something out of each. And I can see this applied to hobbies, jobs, and so many other things.
Now I'm crying about Wicked all over again....
"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow
If we let them, and we help them in return
Well I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you"
This meant a lot to me. At 24, I feel so dang old. Been through so many friend groups and almost-relationships. I keep feeling like it’s not worth it to rebuild things. It gets exhausting to keep learning everyone’s favorite TV shows and stuff just to have to “delete” that information and move on. Feels like the things that matter to me have the lifespan of a fruit fly, and I’m just begging the world to slow down!!
Before I found your channel, I had no idea why this happens to me. I assume there’s something wrong with me or the people I choose to get close to. I wouldn’t have thought ADHD would be a part of this.
Losing people is a huge trigger for me. This was really healing. So thank you.
As someone who's only a couple minutes into this video, I definitely have to say it touches close to home about how I view the purpose of what I do on a daily basis(especially my long term goals and passions and how I balance them with other aspects of my life every day)
I may be quick to say this as an impulsive ADHDer, but thank you for your advice and everything else you've taught me and millions who tune in to your videos. And you should never feel that you're wasting your time scrolling through comments in the middle of a video (yes, this applies to you too Jesse!)
Scrolling through comments in the middle of a video... I feel called out
This summer, I got my first job at a grocery store called Safeway. At first, I loved it, I felt useful, I felt proud of myself for getting a job, before I got a job I felt jealous of people who had jobs because I thought it was the thing to do to feel grown up and feel like you've made it to adulthood and feel like you belong. Also, I felt self conscious because I'd tried to get a job in high school and I never did and lots of people got their first jobs in high school, I got mine in college. I'm still in college. Now, I don't hate my job, but it's mundane and I miss volunteering, I am part of clubs at my college and I'm able to participate in them but due to work I can't volunteer as much. Starting next quarter I think I'm going to quit my job to focus more on school, I live with my parents and I'm luckily able to do that. But I don't think I'll forget the good experience having a job gave me.
💗😁
That’s great! 😄 The experience of your first job is valuable, but your experiences at school are even more so.
You have the rest of your life to work at a job: take advantage of the unique opportunities to experience life at school. But also try to focus on a few things that you really enjoy and give yourself the gift of free time: we Brains often try to do more than is humanly possible, even for neurotypicals. Choosing to not work so you can focus on things that are more important to you is very wise and “adult”. The feeling of belonging comes from meaningful experiences with other people: sometimes from work, but more often from other things.
I hope this unasked-for advice is welcome and helpful: just things I wish I knew when I started college. ❤️
Incredibly relatable!!! Good luck next quarter with whatever you decide to do😊
Hey look into delivery driving for like doordash and uber, you could have the freedom aspect and a job
Really needed this today.
When you often have to "start over" in life, it can feel like a genuine setback and time wasted, that you'll never get back.
In reality, we use the time to develop many skills and learn about ourselves - our needs and boundaries.
We spend our entire lives building, even when we have to remake the foundation once in a while.
You are still a young lady who will continue to experience so much more!!! I just hit 75... i have had a huge host of experiences. Yup good n bad. Doing things yourself is good. You never know how it ends. Get an Aussie or two and you will be extra fine.
Well said - I'm 60 and still learning! And I'm an Aussie-American in Adelaide.
I spent the last 3 years struggling with severe clinical depression so while all my friends are graduating college this year, I’m technically a sophomore. It’s been hard not to feel bad about it.
I am 55. I have had all kinds of depression, anxiety, and other issues since I was 16 or so. Dont beat yourself up over lost time. First, you can do nothing about your past. Second, and most importantly, it stops you from what you need to do in the present. Then the cycle continues.i wish you the best!
I’ve been chipping away at a degree at a snails pace for years now one online class at a time due to so many barriers. Stuff like mental health, finances, slow recovery from trauma, trying to balance it with work, and possibly undiagnosed adhd (I’m still working on trying to get an official evaluation for that). It can the absolute pits of frustration feeling behind your peer group, but you are not alone or wrong in having to do things at your own pace. Hang in there, you got this! 🥰
I've been there. Things that helped were: 1. Getting re-diagnosed with ADHD (it had been too long since taking meds as a kid that a re-evaluation was required) and starting meds again. 2. Taking advantage of the college's accommodations (especially addition time on test since I process language slower than average and partial semesters that could still count as full-time for certain requirements) and 3. Going to therapy sessions. My college (and many of them) offered highly discounted therapy for students ($10/session).
Hope something in there can help you; best of luck!
@@doll_dress_swap1269 Thank you! :)
@@leynaachee4785 Thanks!
This came at the best time for me since my therapist was basically saying the same.
But my issue is I'm just tired of putting energy into things. It's like expecting a plastic seed to make real flowers. No matter how many time, care, or energy it amounts to nothing.
Like that graph you had, I feel only worse and worse. Even after making tangible changes in my life.
I think I keep my expectations low, but that's not low enough I guess
omg I've been there. For me what helped is to stop trying to do so much. There's a quote I love... "If you want to do more, do less." Monotasking FTW
@@HowtoADHD i hope you know your channel is one of my favorites out there and your work is awesome!!
I think your problem is that you're thinking you're a flower seed when you're a root vegetable! Growth is happening, it just can't be measured the way you would expect to measure a neurotypical seed! I'm super proud of you for keeping going. Remember to rest as much as you need to.
I was *literally* just talking about stopping things, and the wasted time.
Thank you for your emphasis on the growth and the learning. This is SO hard to keep learning how to do. Over and over and over again.
I just got home from taking the GRE without ADHD accommodations. I ended up canceling the score at the end. I felt pretty embarrassed about it, but I felt like it was for the best. This video is helping me with that decision haha
The GRE is rough. See it as a practice. You know more now so you can succeed in a future attempt.
Dont give up. It was a practice test and then take it again. Learn your GRE test taking weaknesses and work on that. I mean adhd weaknesses. It's a little harder for us but we get there😃😃😃😘
I needed to be reminded of this! I've learned that even if I stopped a hobby, activity, or let go of a friendship, the knowledge I gained from those can be implemented and/or connected to seemingly unrelated or similar things, something ADHD brains are great at doing! Sometimes I still feel guilty when I've stopped or seemingly "failed". So this reminder is greatly appreciated!
Yes!
I absolutely am happier since my divorce - and happier than I had been before I married. It’s just a higher plateau of a happy living trajectory.
I have learned much through that relationship, and the several subsequent short-term relationships since. I have learned to create mental and physical free-space for myself even while in a relationship - something I have come to enjoy about current singleness, and current temporary occupation this year since 2020 furlough from oil fields. You are so correct: there is no wasted time!
"Time enjoyed wasted is not wasted time."
Came here for this quote :)
I spent 15 years in the military and got out, instead of staying the extra five that would have given me a retirement check. Right decision for me, right decision for my family - and I learned SO much. Then 4 years in a completely different line of work, then three in another ... and now I'm where I am and I'm happy here. But those others all contributed a ton to the person I am now.
Abusive ex's: it's easy to feel like these were wastes of time, and to feel like not only was I harmed but I spent time caring for someone who didn't care for me. But each relationship taught me new things to watch for, that loving and appreciating myself is worthwhile, and that I'm surrounded by kind, loving people that are willing to reach out when it's hard to see how to help myself.
I do wish I learned those things a little faster! But the fact that I know that means that I know what to do better next time, even if it's not explicitly abusive partners. I learned to not be satisfied with dissatisfaction, and that was worth my time.
This was also super important for me. Those experiences have made me appreciate my current partner so much more.
I mean yes, but some things only bring trauma and teach you nothing.
I’ve also been in three abusive relationships. Trying to wrap up the third one as I made the mistake of moving in with the perpetrator. Despite him I got my diagnosis and I’m learning that opinions of others matter only if the people behind it add value to your life. An abusive partner doesn’t like my lipstick? Well I’m wearing it more often now, because I do like how it makes me look.
Omg, I love being alone, but having another person in the house, living their own life and having their own schedule and stuff to do is so helpful. It triggers subconscious actions, and helps me keep a more consistent schedule. Hearing somome else do the dishes reminds me to pick up after myself, realizing that lights are being turned off and things are getting quieter reminds me to wind down for bed. Living alone, I realized there was this vacuum of reminders, and it got harder and harder to stay on top of stuff.
Wow I needed this! 🥺 all my life I thought was a waste because I did so much and yet feel like I didn’t do much, but my bf told me, don’t be so hard on yourself you’re so young, and this meant soooo much.
My teen looked me sternly in the face and told me I have to stop making fresh starts, that I have to stop quitting things. She doesn't realize I left behind my dream career because my ex left and he started a new family. I have had to keep reinventing myself in order to survive as a single parent. This is how my ND is such a super power.
I think I've been very lucky growing up, cause my dad taught me something like this from the start. He doesn't understand most of the mental health stuff, and we're often at odds over a lot of social and political matters, but he's always been really supportive in general. I'm 28 and he still makes sure to reassure me that, for example if I sleep longer than I meant to, it's okay because I must have needed it. He also never, ever disparages any of my hobbies as I cycle through them - in fact, he always supports them, verbally at least, unlike basically anyone else in my family.
So yeah, thanks to him, and having schools that encouraged individuality and creativity, I've been super lucky to have gained this mindset from an early age. Honestly, I only have one real regret, and that's only because it was something that caused a breakdown which is still affecting my life in various ways a full 8.5 years later. Other than that, I tend to embrace an attitude of "go with the flow" and "take each day as it comes" and just not worry about it.
(It probably helps that even if I start to worry, I get distracted from it 2 minutes later lol)
Theres a cool similar saying in forensics its called Lockes law : everywhere you go you leave some trace of you being there
Oh, I love that! Thanks for sharing.
It's so important to remember that life is a learning experiene. Keeping that in mind has helped me overcome a lot of the stressful symptoms I dealt with before. Perceived failures are simply a foundation for future success!
I love this because I often think of large chunks of my life have been wasted. One of my favorites silly little things I learned was how to properly wrap clothing in tissue paper for a gift box at my old retail job. I never knew how to do that before and it comes in handy each Christmas or birthday that goes by. It's nice to appreciate the little things!
At the end of every day I reflect on what I accomplished or got done that day and I have an overwhelming sense of lack of accomplishment. I feel like I screwed around all day jumping from one random thing to the next, not getting anything of value done. I say to myself "I wasted time watching a RUclips video when I could have used that time to apply for internships" and then the next day I don't apply for the internship, I just waste time doing something else. I might do some homework and say to myself "man, if I would have done that homework faster I could have spent some time with my dog! Now I'm a bad person for not spending time with my dog!" It usually ends in some form of emotion where I feel like I won't have time in my life to do the things I want to do, I feel like I'm letting time go by without any big accomplishments, I feel like I'm going to have a LOT OF REGRETS if I don't spend my time more wisely.
Sorry for the all over the place comment, but if anyone could give me advice I'd appreciate it. I think I have spread myself too thin with all the things I want to do. I want to Join my college's varsity eSports team, get an internship, start a business, enjoy my hobbies such as (video games, the gym, tennis, mountain biking, art) and I also want to spend time with my family, my dogs and friends. I feel like there isn't enough time in the day and I don't know how to allocate it so I end up doing absolutely NOTHING all day out of guilt for not doing other things. Please someone give me advice.
I feel exactly like this
This reminds me of a quote I read somewhere, dont remember where, but it was: There is no such thing as failure. You either win, or you learn.
That really helped after having to drop out of uni to start a new study. It can really feel like so much wasted time, like I failed before. But seeing how far Ive come in these years, even if it was not the things I expected to learn, those were not wasted years. I just needed to try another route and going through that stuff made me realise the path I needed to go on
From my last relationship I learned that (for me at least) a person with borderline and me with ADHD just doesn't mix. It was very messy from the start and the messiness only got more intense as time went on and things quickly imploded, because as it turns out my symptoms made hers worse and vice versa, so we really brought out the worst in each other. I think it's kind of sad that things went the way they did, because I did really like this person and they are a good person in general, just not a good fit.
It also taught me to stand up for myself. I'm much more able to say something if someone crosses a line for me. I doubt that was her goal, but I'm still glad about it. She also helped me feel more secure in trying out new options. I always felt like I should stick with what I know even if I was developing new interests at the time, so I'm really glad she helped me feel more comfortable with things like applying for jobs that sounded interesting even if I didn't think I'd qualify. I didn't end up doing anything I tried back then, but it did lead to now having a double career and I love every minute of it. There's never any certainty about whether or not I'll do something forever, but at least now I know that just because I don't think I'm qualified doesn't mean everyone else will agree. There's always someone out there willing to give you a chance to learn and prove yourself, they just don't know you exist yet.
FYI it's pretty common for peeps with borderline to have ADHD. I have a friend who is both
I needed to hear this right now! I'm currently working on my business plan and getting a lot of resistance from my thoughts like "what if it doesn't work out and this is not an efficient use of my time?" But I won't know what works until I try it because I've never done it! (At least not this way!) I'm going to focus on the learning opportunities instead. Thanks for this message, Jessica!
We’re basically constantly learning, and eventually we learn that our lives can’t be judged on any scale. We are just living, and whatever we do with our time is enough ❤️
I was drawing, then I suddenly wanted to Google something then read like 4 articles and then got distracted by absolutely nothing, staring into space for a minute before seeing a DanTDM notification, recognizing the Janitor from Kindergarten, being like "oooh," then seeing this video and clicking on it instead.
This video is so well timed for me. I in the process of separating from wife of 17 years. I completely by ADHD testing last week and I'm waiting on the results. Both of my boys 9&7 received their diagnosis earlier this year. Your content has helped me so much. Thank you.
I was just diagnosed with ADHD a few day's ago and your channel has helped me so much. I appreciate all your hard work 😊 ps. I live alone and struggle with keeping the house running. I've decided it's ok to get external help. I am going to hire a cleaner and other helpers.
As a trans woman who transitioned at 30, it's helpful to be reminded of this. Thank you!
Yep 100%
30 is very young. I was people would stop shaming and making fun in
"the big 0" its literally only 10 yrs from 20 and boy does that fly fast. It really is short and you need to cherish that time no matter how good or even how bad! You only have one!
One of the biggest takeaways I have from past jobs and past relationships is great clarity with regards to my values and what I will and will not accept. Sometimes that clarity gets me labeled as judgmental or unfair, but the people who see me as so haven't lived my experiences - experiences that taught me who I want to be, and who I refuse to ever become
This is EXACTLY what I have told my friends about relationships/dating for years. So many of my friends were afraid to put themselves out there, make connections, etc. because “what if it doesn’t work out”. I tell them that the truth is that just because a relationship doesn’t yield what you want doesn’t mean that there is no value in it.
I really like this perspective, I have started so many hobbies over the years, gone all in on them and geeked out for hours and hours and hours on them... Only to just totally abandon them after a few weeks, or months. I love the idea that those were not a waste or lost time!
I was just having my appointment with my ARHMS worker, and we were discussing why I feel down around my birthday recently. That maybe I didn't do enough, it wasn't grand or spectacular enough, that maybe there's an expectation in me that it needs to be perfect or something otherwise it wasn't a good birthday. Maybe that I don't deserve having a special day for myself.
Then later when time is almost up, I get a notification on my phone. I see "nothing is a waste of time" from How to ADHD. You have no idea how relatable it was in that moment and how funny I found it.
Yeah, I still have to remind myself of this after dealing with a misdiagnosis for several years.
I am now coming to terms with how much my ADHD actually impacts my life. I felt like such a failure for only stay with a job for 6 months, but I have to work on recognizing that it almost tore me apart. My workplace was very understanding and I learned that I wasn’t the first person to quit after a short period of time. I had actually stayed longer that a lot of people before me and I learned so much. That has to be enough. I still feel the bad thoughts but I think I’m slowly getting to a place of acceptance.
You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. Thank you.💚 In recent years I've found myself increasingly paralyzed by the fear of making wrong decisions and not living my life as efficiently as I wish I could. To the point that I've been afraid to even move out of the super cheap and annoying shared student apartment I currently still live in and renting an apartment of my own, because I feel like spending that kind of money on myself and my mental health is a waste of money and I ought to be saving up so Future Me can buy a house, which realistically I probably won't anyway. But I took the plunge a month ago and actually got my own apartment and am currently trying to figure things out, even though inside I'm terrified of what the future may hold. So the fact that you mentioned that you're currently living on your own as an experiment struck a chord with me, it absolutely _is_ worth investing in something like that even if it's not an absolute necessity.
Jessica, for real this time, stop reading my mind, or, actually, no, please go on, this is helping me a lot. I am struggeling with this exact problem a lot lately and it helps so much to hear that others have the same experiences and decide not to give in to the negative thoughts. Thank you wholeheartedly
I never really noticed this until I watched this video but i agree.
I play videogames a lot (and I mean a lot) and my father being in his late 50s doesnt get any part of why or how and so on and therefore looks at it as a waste of time. But me being 19 atm do get it so it has never been a waste of time. Maybe a waste of money but never a waste of time.
Altough there are periods in which I this its closer to being a waste than other. For example for the last 40 min or so i did basically nothing. Just sat here in my chair at my computer switching between YT amazon prime and disney + trying to find something to watch but not finding anything. So these 40 mins are closer to being a waste of time than when I reasearch something or play hangman with a friend or whatever.
Just my opinion because i dont like these kind of absolute statements
I've learned that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime whether it be family, friends, coworkers - whatever. Things start to make sense. I also realized several years back that there is something called "friend shifting" which is what my life has been filled with. Friends b/c of school, sorority, youth group, mom's at my kids' school, colleagues. It did take some time to understand that these people were situational (reason or season) friends. I'd love to have lifetime friends, but those can be tough to find b/c they need to share my values not just my current station in life.
As far as jobs and other activities that have come and gone, I used to be embarrassed about my 40+ (yowza!) job career. But not anymore. I've gained a ton of experience and wisdom, along with knowing what I DON'T like doing. lol I just tell people who question that I'm Forrest Gump-ing my way and it's been a hell of a ride!
Thank you, Jessica, for your channel and all that you do. :-)
Thanks for this. I haven't heard from my therapist in two months and I'm bawling my eyes out since yesterday because I'm "again" at a place where idk what to do. None of of interests last long and its hard to have a career with that crap flying in my skull. I'm obsessed with time yet I feel I never make the most of it.
I watch your videos because apart from the kind insights, they also give me immense hope that one adult as adhder has it kinder than the world demands it to be. ❤
This was so, so important. I don't know how I've managed college this long with my procrastinating, "Time wasting" behaviour and constant brain fog and the ten other issues that make it impossible to sit down, but I've felt the brunt of it this semester.
Yes, I need way more time to be able to just SIT, the internal struggles completely invisible. No, I'm not wasting my life away.
This was a REALLY good reminder for me to be grateful for the good memories and the positive influence I have had on the lives of others. Far too often, because of my imposter syndrome and failed marriages/friendships, I get caught up believing I'm a parasite who only sucks the good from others without giving back...when the reality is that any relationship goes both ways and there is good to be found.
YES!! I'VE FELT THIS SO MUCH. it's hard to explain when someone is down on themselves for "failing" at one thing or another.
The same thing happened to me with my first place as well! I was working 7 days a week for a company that I didn't appreciate me. I had/lost a lot of friends, girlfriends because how long I worked and having my life centered around that job that was doing nothing for me but building stress, making it harder to quit. Losing my job, then felt like a bum having to move back home at 30. The difference of living alone vs having a roommate/parent/friend is huge. Even if it seems the times like especially me I would get angry because of stupid stuff that I couldn't have because I wanted to have it my way. Having somebody else kind of at least for me gives me the opportunity to be mindful if I can make my brain focus on such thing. I wasn't on medication back then either so having meds and a little support really at home as a huge difference from the way I felt and lived to the way I live and feel now.
This is something I've been embracing in the last year. My diagnosis helped open my awareness to so much of how my experience impacts how I am and why I do the things I do. Experiences build you up and break you down and mould you into the future forged you. Suffering through challenges is also something that has value and purpose even if it is the worst time of your life. Focusing on building yourself back and caring for and supporting yourself is the most valuable thing you could do. Thanks for this video Jess. It's always nice to see others sharing helpful stuff.
Thank you for being candid, vulnerable, and sincere!
Thank you for growing through the difficult emotions we experience in change.
Thank you for shining your light even when life's intense, and when it's not.
I arrived on youtube at the right time! Good message :)
What I got out of my last significant relationship (so prior to the one I'm in now) was so much trauma that I'm still putting myself back together and remembering how to be a functional person two years later. (To put it into context, the relationship itself lasted only about a year and half...and I'm a middle-aged man.) Possibly not the sort of example you had in mind, but it's worth mentioning that what we get out of relationships, jobs, etc is not always GOOD things.
helpful message. Been feeling bad lately
I only recently got diagnosed and every time I watch your videos I think: OMG, me too! For years I'd obsess about the loss of time on jobs or people and get angry with myself at first. Then, I'd angry at the people who made me waste the time on them lol. Now I can finally start using coping mechanisms and medication to plan my future. It's just so hard to plan for your future when you've lived for so long with the regret of what could have and should have been. Especially when you didn't even know it was a disability.
... I think I really needed to hear this one because my hyperfixations more often than not tripped me into a guilt cycle cuz I would be in this place where I wanted to continue doing it while I don't want to do it? Especially when it comes to my friendships cuz I am not the most social person and when I realise people I had called "close" in highschool don't keep in touch anymore with me while they do with others, I immediately start saying it is my fault that I am not initiating conversations with them and that is the reason why they aren't talking anymore, which is kinda an irrational thought maybe but... it takes a huge hit on my self esteem and makes it harder for me to make friends cuz I am in this constant worry about losing them instead of learning from the past and trying to improve and my social anxiety, overthinking and inraversion doesn't really help matters.
There's a similar thing that goes on with writing fanfiction because I have this feeling that I am letting people down and end up stretching myself thin trying to do something I am not interested in anymore just to complete it even though I know I won't be able to gain that specific level of satisfaction that I was craving for before and end up hating myself for it.
Like, logically I know that I am moving on and that it is a good thing cuz I am learning stuff and there are a lot of things to take away from that particular thing I was fixated on but that nagging never goes away and that leaves me so low that I often can't really focus on the now. Like I have a leg both in the quicksand and dry land and am just... stuck there. And now I have a hard time navigating and coming out of it
^ Same.
"you never touch someone so lightly that you do not leave a trace...it never means nothing" thank you so much
I misplaced my meds and I had also started a new job. Forgetting, misplacing things…. Totally me. I can’t wait til it’s time for my next refill. It’s so noticeable the difference. Thanks for the great videos. I was diagnosed this year w ADD, I’m still learning all about this.
I have a friend who is a fellow brain that needs to hear this. I'll be sending this to her!
This is a really helpful reminder. I find with the place I'm in right now, my ADHD makes it hard for me to be patient and see the bigger picture that I'm not wasting time and I'm not a failure. I'm continuing to live with my parents and doing an unpaid internship to gain experience in a field I really like. On the one hand, I'm dependent on my parents, not making much money, and don't ~feel~ like I'm going anywhere, but on the other hand I'm gaining valuable experience for my resume, or at least and finding what I like and don't like. Just because it feels in my brain like I'm not going anywhere doesn't mean I'm not.
You’re doing great! I agree that the reason a lot of us feel this way is because our neurology makes it difficult for us see how far we’ve come!
So very true. I have come to this revelation in my life as well. Meanwhile, I have reached the conclusion that each job and each friendship and each relationship as well as each end to those things is just the beginning of a new adventure. But I had to reach a certain age and situation in my life where I felt so beaten and battered that I simply stopped measuring myself to "normal" expectations and embraced my "misery". Maybe I am not where people "expect" me to be in life and live like I "should" live. But it is my "weird"-brain-life and I embrace the ride.
I’m always worried that there’s not enough time. For me it’s less that I struggle to stick to things and more that I want to do 20x the things that a single human has time for. And that makes it really easy, when I’ve needed to take on a second job to make ends meet or whatever, to be like “I only have a short amount of time and I’m so annoyed that I’m spending it on THIS”
Thank you! Really needed to hear this today.
I loved this. Thank you - going through a divorce right now and this really helped frame things 👍
As someone over forty who has started again SO often - both in work and relationships - I relate so much to this. Wherever I am now, I bring a host of different views with me. I have done so many things. I know who I am and what I value. Though I still learn every day.
So much of my life boils down to "i dont know what i expected to happen, but it was not what did happen"
When I finally get to have my graduation party (I graduated like 1,5 years ago lol) I want to tell the people that even though it took me super long to get through uni I still wouldn't change it because the choices I made brought me the people I love right now. Heck, if I pursued a medical career (something I still regret not doing sometimes) I wouldn't have met my current partner. So yeah.
I want to thank you so much for this channel. I am about to turn 45 years old, but have lived my whole life misunderstood by everyone, including my family. I have managed to have a good life, but have had to sacrifice my true nature to do so. For a long time, I thought that no one would, or could, understand the kind of life (and problems) that ADHD carries with it.
Your videos help give me hope, and I often use them to illustrate to my parents, and to my wife, the concepts of what ADHD is, and why I am the way that I am. Thank you so much.
On living alone, my experience has been that it grew on me because of how I did it. I have a good broad range of friends and never spend a ton of time sitting at home bored by myself. And so the time I do get to myself I really really enjoy.
I was also determined to live alone for a while after a bad marriage ended about 10 years ago. The first year was hard but after that I started to love it so much that I just kept it. And after that I was determined not to seriously consider someone unless they were better than living alone, which was so great that I held out for the perfect one. ☺️
This is a HOT take!
Been watching your videos since my autistic wife suggested I may have ADHD. She's probably right, of course. I'm not in a rush for a diagnosis but it may happen. Anyway, just wanted to finally say hi and thanks.
This was really, really important for me to hear today. I'm considering starting a new career, and I have had several, and gone to school several times and never finished. It's made me very reluctant to start anything ever again, for ear of not finishing.
I needed to hear what you had to say. Thank you for posting. This was really helpful.
I just wanted to say that the quote that you gave at about the 6-minute mark by Peggy Tabor Millin helped me in dealing with something I was going through recently. Someone I didn't know really well (a girl from work who I asked out and said yes, but we could never get our schedules to line up) died about 3 weeks ago and I stumbled on her obituary by random chance last week and it hit me like a punch in the gut. I was depressed and in grief but I felt guilty because I didn't know her well and didn't know why it was affecting me that much and felt like I was somehow stealing sadness that belonged to someone else and at the same time I was for a period of time devastated. That quote allowed me to let myself have the feelings I was having without guilt because I think she must have had a greater impact on my life than I ever knew. I'm feeling less depressed over it now and I think that even though this video wasn't even meant to help with that; it did. Thank you.
Hello, Jess!
Hello, Dale!
Love your videos ! Can we do an update on the 90 day challenge !? I am somehow still doing mine !!!! 🥰🥰💥💥💥I am learning to play the drums and I have come farther than I thought I ever would
Whaaat that's incredible!! Send me before & after vids if you have them! jessica@howtoadhd.com
@@HowtoADHD ok ! I will my name is Jessica too hehe I think we were born in the same year ! I have got to tell you the drums are outstanding for adhd I never ever stuck with something like this , I did some research and omg i think that there’s a connection with the drums and stimulation! I’ll send you some videos when I find the very first ones :)
@@Justcallmegary wow cool ! That’s great !
Thank you.... I've been struggling for well, years and worked really hard to surppress most of it. I finally brought myself to seek out therapy over this last year. A couple months ago my therapist suggested I may have ADHD and two days ago I found myself on this channel (thanks algorithm). I adore everything I've watched and I've never felt so validated. The real stinging question my therapist asked was if I actually know how to relax... and honestly I couldn't say yes. I've often say I'm very good at wasting time but can't bring myself to do things I feel are a waste of time, hello 100s of hobbies and unfinished new shiny projects, games and so on. So much of my life I've held onto as wasted because of my bad choices, yep there's the "some college" check box, a mile long resume and a divorce in there too... I still struggle with accepting that although these things got me to where I am now, that I somehow didn't squander away a large chunk of my life. Thank you again for making me feel like I'm not alone.
I was talking with someone recently and was lamenting my inability to stick with anything, and she replied similar to what you said in the video. I try to look at it as I have a lot of experience but it is so hard not to think I've just never accomplished anything of value.
I love this. ❤️
Thanks! I like sharing my random shower thoughts occasionally too :)
Hello. Brains!
Thank you for the video! I also experience this on a day-to-day level. I consistently time-shame myself by getting frustrated with myself when every moment of every day isn't being used as efficiently as it could be. I'm getting better but its a hard to break free of the social conditioning that tells me to be this way!
The feeling of "wasted time" is something I have to keep consciously fighting against. Just over a year ago, my partner died after 23 years together. Even though from the start we agreed that our relationship would last for as long as it lasts and end when we feel like it has served it's purpose, it's still difficult to shake the feeling of "I could have used that time to build something with someone else". Would I have been as happy, if my nesting partnership was with someone else? Probably not. Would my life have been even close to as good without her? Decidedly not. But still the thought creeps in.
There's just such an immense network of things missing now. It's not like they say that you lose a piece of yourself, it's more like a web that reaches everywhere and no matter which way you go, there's always something that's not there. And every time you come across one of those threads, you ask yourself, "wouldn't it have been better if this web had never existed?" It wouldn't have been (or at least that's what I have to keep telling myself), but it's exhausting to have to keep going through that discussion with yourself over and over again.
Love your videos, I have a question separate from your video, but can ADHD affect your vision? I was diagnosed a few months ago, but I have struggled with this for such a long time. I almost feel as though I’m looking through binocular lens’s or like I’m watching a movie with cinematic bars. I know adhd affects overstimulation but I don’t see many people talk about this or at least people with ADHD. I’m currently on medication and have talked to doctors about this. I do get overstimulated by things but the thing that really gets to me is that I feel like I can’t connect with the world. It’s like I’m playing a vr video game and I just feel detached from everything. I’ve read of people with similar things but is this even ADHD? Is this normal? If anyone experiences this, how do we navigate this? Again, love your videos!
From a brain
It sounds like dissociation, which can have different causes. I’ve heard some people who are taking too high a dose of stimulant medication describe feeling robotic or detached. It could also be a symptom of Depression or possibly Depersonalization-derealization disorder. I felt like you described from age 12-14: in hindsight I think it was depression. (I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until much later)
Hiii
Hi!!
I loved this! My favorite part was remembering that I've given myself this talk, alot, and still I forget the lesson. Thank you so much for the reminder. I'm once again moving, and single, and once again trying to write a book lol. Another new start, another new story.
Most people: biography
ADHD: anthology of odysseys
Yup, totally agree. Also, regretting the "time wasted" isn't going to give you that time back.
Ofcourse its not, every second is worth living for. I always set goals for myself and i have used my ADHD to accomplish these goals, ADHD can be very useful if you can control it
First
SO FAST!
Thank you. Feeling continually discarded is so hard.
I had a friend who lives in a different state. We met via fandom corners of the internet and bonded over shared interests in musical theatre. We communicated every single day for about a year and a half. Then school and life happened for her, and my primary Special Interest shifted from musical theatre to other things, and our communication slowed to a stop over time. We still follow each other on social media, but we’re not really in contact anymore. I doubt we will ever fully resume regular contact: we’re both different people to some degree than we used to be, and our focus and interests have both shifted from the things our friendship was based on.
And I count none of the time and energy I invested in our friendship as wasted. The times I spent talking with her are some of the most happy and memorable and creative times of my life, despite how stressful and bad other things were for me then. Our friendship and her company - remote though it was - brought me so much joy and enhanced my life so much at the time (and I’d like to think I did the same for her), and I still think about her more days than not, even circa four years later.
There is no such thing as ill-invested time.
Looking back on past jobs, relationships and friendships I've learned more about what is and isn't healthy for me, as well as what my boundaries are and how to honour and respect those.
Love your channel!
Know that you are making a positive impact and helping countless brains learn to live better and do better!
Thank you, Jessica!
I like where you're coming from with this. HOWEVER. There is one notable exception I can think of: binging youtube and other media/social media, especially when you have something else you should be doing instead. Especially when you don't ACTUALLY end up feeling better as a result of the time spent on the distraction.