14 Signs of codependency in the Fearful Avoidant
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- Опубликовано: 28 июн 2024
- In this video I’m going to talk about 14 signs of codependency in the fearful avoidant attachment style. Recognizing codependency is important, because it can be such a hang up in healing and releasing. Let’s dive in!
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-- CONTENTS --
00:00 Intro
01:35 You always want approval from others and especially from those who tend to not/sometimes give it to you
02:34 Always having the feeling you are not doing enough for others
03:38 Having trouble feeling your own needs
03:54 Wanting to be saved or fixed
05:38 Wanting to save or fix others
07:17 Feeling tension/unrest/anxious when other people are in pain
09:01 Not being able to say no without feeling guilty
10:20 Making mistakes gives you a feeling of shame
11:01 Struggling with low self esteem/low self worth
11:49 Suppressing feelings
12:55 You take a lot of things personally
14:25 Resentment
16:48 Approval from others is more important than really taking care of yourself
17:53 Intimacy/open communication/trust are hard
#fearfulavoidant #healingattachmentstyle #attachmentstyle #codependency #paulientimmer
The pushing away when weak and tired… this is my on again, off again FA partner. Also, the fear of failure. He has childhood trauma from a parent that was very authoritarian and had unrealistic expectations AND from a marriage when his wife abandoned him and ended up becoming a lesbian…
I feel like I really don’t care about what others think or feel, but my nervous system is controlled by others. It sux really badly. I want to truly state my needs and preferences and get them, or else I feel others may be trying to sabotage my life, are disrespectful, I’m not allowed to exist and have needs cared for.
I rarely get sleep for work because the others are having TV, convo, etc, right outside my bedroom door-they don’t care that it disturbs my every fiber.
I so relate to this! Thank you for sharing, commenting and framing it that way! I say I can intellectually understand it (and that I’m “not shit” like my parents trained me to feel about myself) ...but emotionally I don’t feel it (yet)”
Yes, I can relate sometimes I have given more importance to how other people feel than how I feel. And I realise later that yes how much I am resenting it, that it hurt our friendship in the long run . And not being able to say no, and let them cross over boundaries, being okay even if they dont respect us. Seriously, its a lot.
Thank you for being a trooper & filming through sickness for your viewers
Ooooh I’m excited for this video!
Interesting video! Seems from my observations that even securely attached people struggle with some of these items, so that makes me wonder if FAs actually can end up MORE secure after all their healing than most people, who never felt things were enough of a struggle to work on healing. It’s amazing to think someone would experience none of these feelings or beliefs but Paulien is our proof & inspiration 🎉❤
That is such a good point Jen! I don't think anybody is naturally 100% securely attached, and it could very well be that FAs that work on becoming secure could end up MORE secure. I do tend to notice that their secure attachment is more intentional, and their empathy is deeper. So once FAs are healed, they are even more stable, and are usually not swayed by any reactions from other people. They have been there, done that and know all the warning signs. There is a power in that that is unmatched by other attachment styles. It also comes with deep empathy and the ability to truly create the life you want to live. Those are very valuable things!
❤❤
I always appreciate, very much so, your insights. It’s a beauty-full thing. 🦋💕🙂🌺
Thank you so much for this really eye opening Video. I can find myself in 12 of your points. Being aware of my strong codependency tendencies I was long time confused which attachment style applies to me as codependency seems to belong mainly to the anchious insecure attachment style whilst contradictory to the avoidant. But indeed someone can be both codepent, anchious and avoidant at a very individual grade and shape..😘😘😘😘
❣️ thank you 😇
You're welcome!!
Damn goede video! :)
Can you comment on why I end up being treated like an object. Others control if they want to relate with me or no... just cringe.
I've recently discovered I have this attachment style. In doing so, I came to the conclusion that if I truly want to heal my fear of being abandoned, I need to fix the relationship I have with both myself and others. The healing strategy I came up with was telling myself that if a person really loves me, they will stay no matter what my fears and flaws are, because I really want to end this self-guilt train I feel inside, for something I didn't ask to have (the fear of being abandoned, caused by my dad not being able to be emotionally there and my old classmates bullying me and making me feel like I was a worthless pile of dirt). By that I don't mean that these people should feel happy with everything I do: I firmly believe that loving someone also means fighting with and getting angry at them, when needed. But the truth is that I don't know if I'm doing the right thing... I don't know whether or not I'm getting trapped in that "I want to feel loved at all costs" cycle again...
I love my FA but I still let them walked away when they started blaming me for not filling up their needs, needs to feel worthy. I have unconditional love for them but it's apparently not enough and I won't be shouted or put down to by anyone let alone a partner. Love is not always enough . I love them but I'm not accepting all behaviours. He seemed to think his behaviour was justified cos he is hurt. I'm sorry their hurting by no, to me not all behaviours are acceptable. And I certainly don't regret my decision.
Your healing strategy is flawed because it's contingent upon externalities (they stay no matter what's going on with you). You will need to test them to ensure their compliance to your demands.
What if I dont know what or how to to talk to others. Whats that all about. I just dont know how to relate... this is the big question!
in your program do you have like eft videos over core beliefs ?
Absolutely! All the main ones are in there and healed extensively.
Self worth issue is there plus belief there is something wrong with me and people will lash on me. Also that I have to bring HUGE value to the relationship.Other than that I didnt relate with this well.