Something that I wish more people would cover about FAs: FAs who are very suspicious of others, because they had a past including abusive people with negative strategies against them or their naive parent etc. Compulsively gathering evidence for or against someone having a strategy. I've seen barely any FA-talk about this.... Maybe no one talks about it because it's so embarrassing to have to wonder if people who care about you actually want to hurt you. This is what ROCD reminds me of!
I’ve never heard anyone talk about this but I relate! I always feel like a bad or cold person because in the back of my head I’m looking for clues that my loved ones are trying to hurt me so i can be ready to cut them off if they do. It embarrassing but I can’t help it.
Omg and the POCD!!!! Yes!!!!!! I went down that rabbit hole too. Wth! It makes sense because my brother had more classic ocd patterns but mine are quiet . I also have ocd patterning about cheating, I’m so scared I’ll cheat that I avoid getting in a relationship all together.
Is biting nails and picking finger skin till bleeding or biting lip OCD ? I seem to be FA and I had this bad habit always from childhood but it got better ever since I started doing meditation and yoga nowdays I do this when I am in really stressful situations like having exam even now I do it subconsciously sometimes
Oh my gosh, I’m not original at all-you’ve mentioned all the things that swim around in my head! The preoccupation with physical features and subsequent feeling of deep shame around being shallow, worrying if we laugh enough and feeling relief that we do but then thinking maybe we’re Actually just friends ?! And checking compatibility… wow. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone.
Hi Paulien! The worst part is the constant checking and the intuition part. I even thought because I suddenly felt sad and nervous that it meant my partner was cheating on me at that moment. Because people told me I am sensitive and intuitive.. It was absolutely horrific. And still I get triggered thinking about that
Thank you so much for sharing this! I love your personal insight. When you are on the receiving end of a constant super harsh critique when you give everything it is so good to find out hearing you talk about your experience FA is a new concept to me and I am struggling to adapt but I work diligently on it
I’m not sure if this is common with rocd but feeling anxious when you feel connected to the person and an inability to sit still and just filled with so much anxiety and fear and needing to cut any connection you have to the person but when you do...it’s the other end of the spectrum where you feel so depressed that you can barely do anything but feeling relieved safe and also horrible because you’re hurting the person you care and love so much which you realise🙈 do you have any thoughts about this ?
Ohh it's so confusing, isn't it? FA's are usually very afraid of connection, because they link connection to bad things happening. Hence the inability to sit still and feeling so much anxiety. Part of you just wants to run! So you indeed find ways to break the connection. Being alone feels much safer, because you don't have to 'deal' with the connection, and being hypervigilant. It really does make sense, you are not broken :)
Wow I took so personally these experiences as the partner of a FA To the point where I was devastated Considering that she was as into me as any woman could be And she helped restore me after a very very damaging divorce She brought be back to self and to life again Then Did all the things you describe So I ended it
So on the one hand you've described my thoughts word for word... on the other hand the flaws i focus on aren't minor but real incompatibilities, like we both have cptsd and trigger each other, i feel our communication isn't good enough, etc. so its back to "i should break up but i can't but I'm leading them on"... ugh.
What I like about your videos is that your cringe in reliving some of these concepts is palpable haha. In a good way. Ya "boring" is beautiful and healthy. There's enough problems in the world without having to manufacture more for ourselves.
I've been watching many of your videos for days now and yeah wow never knew the way I felt, reacted, showed up in relationship all of it was a thing, rocd and the fearful avoidant running the show feels like I can finally start working on myself understanding this. So grateful for your vulnerability and knowledge and sharing of this so people can have more understanding and heal thank you for your time in making these videos.
(First Of all my english is not so Good) i just Want to say thank you for your work, i Really Appreciate your Videos about this FA topic - it helps me with my anxiety at the Moment. I have one question, Maybe you can answer it in a video if this question makes sense for you: SO i am at the beginning of a new relationship and the anxiety of getting rejected overwhelmed me so bad at the Moment. Before i get intimate with my partner, it feels like he loves/likes me a lot more than i do love him and i am often think about „oh do i really like/love him, do we really fit/Match?“ etc. But Right after we had sex for the first time, something Switched/Changed in my brain and it feels like he dont love/like me anymore and he will leave me. So my question is: is there a Connection between FA Attachment style and the experience with having sex/getting intimate ?
Your video helped me, thank you so much for sharing. The end made me cry 😭 because I work in the kindergarten and lately I've been obssessing over some things I'm ashamed to admit. Only today it clicked for me that maybe there's pedophile OCD. It came into my mind because I already heard about ROCD and I knew I have it, which cleared a lot of things in my head. I really thought I was fucked up and crazy. And then I wondered does attachment style has any link to OCD and I found your video. What's good about compulsive googling is that I can really find an answer which can help me. So yay for OCD!
I had a sense of calm wash over me after watching this video. I can now understand my actions, convey them to my partner, and determine what my needs are😌. Priceless!
Thank you. So so much. Being in the process of healing and being able to recognize certain obsessive patterns fort the first time ever during my ongoing process of getting to know a person, this resonates! For me it usually has gone like this; The more I like the other person, the more I look for something to obsess about, I say hurtful things, they retrieve, I get a relief for a second and then massive guilt, I try then obsessively to get them back. Saying too much sorry is never good for anyone. This time around, every time I notice a new pattern of thought I try to stop and ask myself- has this thing in my head actually happened? I write down things that I find attractive in this person. It helps to avoid talking negative things and being in touch with my emotions. It feels so good getting a name for something that has quite frankly ruined all my relationships. I had started to become really anxious over meeting someone new. I thought I had get past it and felt really ran down emotionally. I couldn't sleep properly and therefore thinking properly. Watching this video the pressure from my chest lifted. I breath freely. There is actually hope this time around.
Rn I’m with the sweetest guy EVER and after a couple of weeks, I’ve started to get really obsessive about our relationship. I feel like love hasn’t happened yet but I know it could if I didn’t have all these thoughts. I feel like I may have ROCD but I’m not 100% sure, but either way this makes me feel a lot better. Thank you 😄 this is my first relationship after a sudden breakup so I’m pretty sure my anxieties are because of that but I STILL flip flop on how I feel about him… anyway let me stop, thank you again! 😄
watching your videos gives a strange feeling. I'm 16 and in the last couple of years I started kind of a journy of self improvment, and learning as much as I can about everything. At the time I thought it was the best thing to do because through that process I found the thing that I want to do and explore the rest of my life (my passion), and everything felt right, but I was just pushing other problems away. Although I kept getting better and better, I just wasn't satisfied. I knew that I wanted and needed true connections with people, but it seems like I can't admit it to myself. Everytime I got close with someone something deep from within just don't allow me to go and be "happy in a relationship"' something that nothing and no one could explain it to me. I struggle to find the words. I knew that it has something to do with childhood abuse and violence but I kept finding people with their own problems and no one had the same thoughts and feelings that I have about relationship. I feel alone all the time because I don't let my self get too close to people, and I do want to change, but I convinced myself that it is good and pruductive. I saw only one video of yours, but when I scrolled down and looked on titels of videos I kept seeing things that describe me or things that I got into, like "Perfectionisem" and "The Law of Atrraction". I don't know what's going to happen with me in the future (unfortanetlly) but hearing you speak is the first time ever I feel like someone understands really the feelings and the thought process that I'm experiencing. I just wanted to say thank you for making a whole youtube channel around that topic, it makes me feel special and safe that I found someone that understands that ununderstandeble thing.
Ah Ilan, thank you so much for commenting this. Your ability to self-reflect is so valuable, and you are so eloquent. Welcome to this channel, I love it that you are here :)
Heyyyy Pauline🐣❤️ Thank you sooo much..!!! I feel so heard.. I thought I'm just not in love and I'm using ROCD as an excuse.. I wanted to ask can it start in the beginning of a new relationship? Like the first week! I had panic attacks, contant fear and instrusive thoughts, pushing away, googling stuff, asking family and friends, passing quizzes and alot more.. questions like..is he the one? Are we compatibile? Am i lying to myself? Have i lost feelings? What if it's not rocd and I'm just using it as an excuse? Am in the right relationship? Constant breakup urges and alot more..also I've a FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT..Ashhhh! 😭
I didn’t think i had ROCD at all but when she mentioned the perfectionism, I realized that just today I had been asking my friends if they thought me and my partner are compatible 😳
I ask this question concerned I will offend I hope it’s not taken the wrong way But this obsession with the details of physical features of the partner has me wondering if it is more the case that very attractive people such as yourself and my ex do this more ? It would make sense as beauty attracts itself And from my experience I’ve seen this perfectionism in the beautiful people Much more
Very helpful, thank you. I have always felt the feeling my whole world was collapsing along with my feelings towards another after a few weeks of dating to be a bit weird. Hoping to sort this out very soon. Either that or move back in with my mother
Thank you so much for this video Paulien. After having my ROCD in a sort of remission for about six months (a year ago I became a boyfriend to my then girlfriend who is now my wife) it's come back in full-swing now that we're married three days in. I guess I forgot what ROCD felt like. I'm so grateful for her patience and understanding into what ROCD is. Even when I've been in paralyzing fear she's helped to take me out of it. Thank you so much for reminding me what ROCD manifests as. Your videos have been so helpful in bettering myself and disarming the negative thoughts that come from ROCD. At the end of the day, they are just thoughts, and they only have power if I give them power.
thank you for this video again, I clicked on it just out of interest, but found myself relating to a whole lot of those signs. its always nice to know that there are many people who experience this. up until now i thought there was just something wrong with me that is my fault and I didnt know how to voice what exactly is wrong. Im not self diagnosing yself here, but its still nice to have something to call this thing
In a really high state of anxiety right now so apologies if you've already addressed this, but is it normal that I don't FEEL fearful? I just feel negative towards him, rejecting of him and shut down. I don't feel consciously afraid.
Anxiety can come in so many different forms, and you could argue that every negative state originates in fear. So even when you don't feel fearful, it is still fear underlying you feeling negative towards him and shut down.
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 it would be so helpful to hear how he dealt with FA. How he supported you and the challenges he faced. I would love for my partner to hear his experience and perspective!
yes! cause i feel a ton of guilt, which makes it hard to be honest. how to balance honesty about your condition, without oversharing all the “nasty” thoughts you might have that will just worry, hurt or offend your partner? I find myself swinging between oversharing and not sharing but creating a big story in my head without her knowing@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870
So glad I found your videos! By far the most clear and concise person taking about FA, and attachment styles in general. ROCD is me to an Absolute T. And thank you for taking any EFT, I can't wait to check it out.
Something that I wish more people would cover about FAs: FAs who are very suspicious of others, because they had a past including abusive people with negative strategies against them or their naive parent etc. Compulsively gathering evidence for or against someone having a strategy. I've seen barely any FA-talk about this.... Maybe no one talks about it because it's so embarrassing to have to wonder if people who care about you actually want to hurt you. This is what ROCD reminds me of!
I’ve never heard anyone talk about this but I relate! I always feel like a bad or cold person because in the back of my head I’m looking for clues that my loved ones are trying to hurt me so i can be ready to cut them off if they do. It embarrassing but I can’t help it.
Yes! It’s relieving to see somebody talk about this bc I really struggle with it
I'll make a video on this!
So much of being FA is embarrassing until you learn to love and forgive yourself
Omg and the POCD!!!! Yes!!!!!! I went down that rabbit hole too. Wth! It makes sense because my brother had more classic ocd patterns but mine are quiet . I also have ocd patterning about cheating, I’m so scared I’ll cheat that I avoid getting in a relationship all together.
Is biting nails and picking finger skin till bleeding or biting lip OCD ? I seem to be FA and I had this bad habit always from childhood but it got better ever since I started doing meditation and yoga
nowdays I do this when I am in really stressful situations like having exam even now I do it subconsciously sometimes
Oh my gosh, I’m not original at all-you’ve mentioned all the things that swim around in my head! The preoccupation with physical features and subsequent feeling of deep shame around being shallow, worrying if we laugh enough and feeling relief that we do but then thinking maybe we’re Actually just friends ?! And checking compatibility… wow. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone.
Hi Paulien! The worst part is the constant checking and the intuition part. I even thought because I suddenly felt sad and nervous that it meant my partner was cheating on me at that moment. Because people told me I am sensitive and intuitive.. It was absolutely horrific. And still I get triggered thinking about that
Thank you so much for sharing this! I love your personal insight. When you are on the receiving end of a constant super harsh critique when you give everything it is so good to find out hearing you talk about your experience
FA is a new concept to me and I am struggling to adapt but I work diligently on it
wow it's incredible the safe space you make when talking about this stuff here!! it's like youre in my brain
I’m not sure if this is common with rocd but feeling anxious when you feel connected to the person and an inability to sit still and just filled with so much anxiety and fear and needing to cut any connection you have to the person but when you do...it’s the other end of the spectrum where you feel so depressed that you can barely do anything but feeling relieved safe and also horrible because you’re hurting the person you care and love so much which you realise🙈 do you have any thoughts about this ?
Ohh it's so confusing, isn't it? FA's are usually very afraid of connection, because they link connection to bad things happening. Hence the inability to sit still and feeling so much anxiety. Part of you just wants to run! So you indeed find ways to break the connection. Being alone feels much safer, because you don't have to 'deal' with the connection, and being hypervigilant. It really does make sense, you are not broken :)
Wow
I took so personally these experiences as the partner of a FA
To the point where I was devastated
Considering that she was as into me as any woman could be
And she helped restore me after a very very damaging divorce
She brought be back to self and to life again
Then
Did all the things you describe
So I ended it
So on the one hand you've described my thoughts word for word... on the other hand the flaws i focus on aren't minor but real incompatibilities, like we both have cptsd and trigger each other, i feel our communication isn't good enough, etc. so its back to "i should break up but i can't but I'm leading them on"... ugh.
What I like about your videos is that your cringe in reliving some of these concepts is palpable haha. In a good way. Ya "boring" is beautiful and healthy. There's enough problems in the world without having to manufacture more for ourselves.
I've been watching many of your videos for days now and yeah wow never knew the way I felt, reacted, showed up in relationship all of it was a thing, rocd and the fearful avoidant running the show feels like I can finally start working on myself understanding this. So grateful for your vulnerability and knowledge and sharing of this so people can have more understanding and heal thank you for your time in making these videos.
(First Of all my english is not so Good) i just Want to say thank you for your work, i Really Appreciate your Videos about this FA topic - it helps me with my anxiety at the Moment. I have one question, Maybe you can answer it in a video if this question makes sense for you: SO i am at the beginning of a new relationship and the anxiety of getting rejected overwhelmed me so bad at the Moment. Before i get intimate with my partner, it feels like he loves/likes me a lot more than i do love him and i am often think about „oh do i really like/love him, do we really fit/Match?“ etc. But Right after we had sex for the first time, something Switched/Changed in my brain and it feels like he dont love/like me anymore and he will leave me. So my question is: is there a Connection between FA Attachment style and the experience with having sex/getting intimate ?
Your video helped me, thank you so much for sharing. The end made me cry 😭 because I work in the kindergarten and lately I've been obssessing over some things I'm ashamed to admit. Only today it clicked for me that maybe there's pedophile OCD. It came into my mind because I already heard about ROCD and I knew I have it, which cleared a lot of things in my head. I really thought I was fucked up and crazy. And then I wondered does attachment style has any link to OCD and I found your video. What's good about compulsive googling is that I can really find an answer which can help me. So yay for OCD!
I had a sense of calm wash over me after watching this video. I can now understand my actions, convey them to my partner, and determine what my needs are😌. Priceless!
The repulsion! Ahhhh! Yes! Good to know it's mostly like a fearful-avoidant thing that OCD then just latches onto.
❤❤ Thank you
Thank you. So so much. Being in the process of healing and being able to recognize certain obsessive patterns fort the first time ever during my ongoing process of getting to know a person, this resonates!
For me it usually has gone like this; The more I like the other person, the more I look for something to obsess about, I say hurtful things, they retrieve, I get a relief for a second and then massive guilt, I try then obsessively to get them back. Saying too much sorry is never good for anyone.
This time around, every time I notice a new pattern of thought I try to stop and ask myself- has this thing in my head actually happened? I write down things that I find attractive in this person. It helps to avoid talking negative things and being in touch with my emotions.
It feels so good getting a name for something that has quite frankly ruined all my relationships. I had started to become really anxious over meeting someone new. I thought I had get past it and felt really ran down emotionally. I couldn't sleep properly and therefore thinking properly. Watching this video the pressure from my chest lifted. I breath freely. There is actually hope this time around.
Rn I’m with the sweetest guy EVER and after a couple of weeks, I’ve started to get really obsessive about our relationship. I feel like love hasn’t happened yet but I know it could if I didn’t have all these thoughts. I feel like I may have ROCD but I’m not 100% sure, but either way this makes me feel a lot better. Thank you 😄 this is my first relationship after a sudden breakup so I’m pretty sure my anxieties are because of that but I STILL flip flop on how I feel about him… anyway let me stop, thank you again! 😄
Can this be healed?
You describe my life in each video🥺🥺i never felt so understood
watching your videos gives a strange feeling.
I'm 16 and in the last couple of years I started kind of a journy of self improvment, and learning as much as I can about everything. At the time I thought it was the best thing to do because through that process I found the thing that I want to do and explore the rest of my life (my passion), and everything felt right, but I was just pushing other problems away. Although I kept getting better and better, I just wasn't satisfied.
I knew that I wanted and needed true connections with people, but it seems like I can't admit it to myself. Everytime I got close with someone something deep from within just don't allow me to go and be "happy in a relationship"' something that nothing and no one could explain it to me.
I struggle to find the words. I knew that it has something to do with childhood abuse and violence but I kept finding people with their own problems and no one had the same thoughts and feelings that I have about relationship.
I feel alone all the time because I don't let my self get too close to people, and I do want to change, but I convinced myself that it is good and pruductive.
I saw only one video of yours, but when I scrolled down and looked on titels of videos I kept seeing things that describe me or things that I got into, like "Perfectionisem" and "The Law of Atrraction". I don't know what's going to happen with me in the future (unfortanetlly) but hearing you speak is the first time ever I feel like someone understands really the feelings and the thought process that I'm experiencing.
I just wanted to say thank you for making a whole youtube channel around that topic, it makes me feel special and safe that I found someone that understands that ununderstandeble thing.
Ah Ilan, thank you so much for commenting this. Your ability to self-reflect is so valuable, and you are so eloquent. Welcome to this channel, I love it that you are here :)
Heyyyy Pauline🐣❤️
Thank you sooo much..!!! I feel so heard..
I thought I'm just not in love and I'm using ROCD as an excuse..
I wanted to ask can it start in the beginning of a new relationship? Like the first week!
I had panic attacks, contant fear and instrusive thoughts, pushing away, googling stuff, asking family and friends, passing quizzes and alot more.. questions like..is he the one? Are we compatibile? Am i lying to myself? Have i lost feelings? What if it's not rocd and I'm just using it as an excuse? Am in the right relationship? Constant breakup urges and alot more..also I've a FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT..Ashhhh! 😭
Absolutely! It can happen in any stage in the relationship
I didn’t think i had ROCD at all but when she mentioned the perfectionism, I realized that just today I had been asking my friends if they thought me and my partner are compatible 😳
I ask this question concerned I will offend
I hope it’s not taken the wrong way
But this obsession with the details of physical features of the partner has me wondering if it is more the case that very attractive people such as yourself and my ex do this more ?
It would make sense as beauty attracts itself
And from my experience I’ve seen this perfectionism in the beautiful people
Much more
Very helpful, thank you. I have always felt the feeling my whole world was collapsing along with my feelings towards another after a few weeks of dating to be a bit weird. Hoping to sort this out very soon. Either that or move back in with my mother
This is insane...how can you actually talk so acurately about what is going on inside me? 🙏
Thank you so much for this video Paulien. After having my ROCD in a sort of remission for about six months (a year ago I became a boyfriend to my then girlfriend who is now my wife) it's come back in full-swing now that we're married three days in. I guess I forgot what ROCD felt like. I'm so grateful for her patience and understanding into what ROCD is. Even when I've been in paralyzing fear she's helped to take me out of it.
Thank you so much for reminding me what ROCD manifests as. Your videos have been so helpful in bettering myself and disarming the negative thoughts that come from ROCD.
At the end of the day, they are just thoughts, and they only have power if I give them power.
You are sooooo helpful. I forget time and time again that I have POCD and ROCD
thank you for this video again, I clicked on it just out of interest, but found myself relating to a whole lot of those signs. its always nice to know that there are many people who experience this. up until now i thought there was just something wrong with me that is my fault and I didnt know how to voice what exactly is wrong. Im not self diagnosing yself here, but its still nice to have something to call this thing
This video is so helpful... Could someone share the research mentioned in the video?
In a really high state of anxiety right now so apologies if you've already addressed this, but is it normal that I don't FEEL fearful? I just feel negative towards him, rejecting of him and shut down. I don't feel consciously afraid.
Anxiety can come in so many different forms, and you could argue that every negative state originates in fear. So even when you don't feel fearful, it is still fear underlying you feeling negative towards him and shut down.
It did help too much. Thank you 🤍
this describes me so much omfg
1:54 ok yeah I think I have this 💀
Is it possible to be a FA and a love addict?
Yes, I think most love addicts are either Anxious or FA :)
I'm really curious how your partner dealt with all your doubts over the years. It must have been difficult.
Good subject for a video! I might even ask if he wants to join for a video :)
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 it would be so helpful to hear how he dealt with FA. How he supported you and the challenges he faced. I would love for my partner to hear his experience and perspective!
yes! cause i feel a ton of guilt, which makes it hard to be honest. how to balance honesty about your condition, without oversharing all the “nasty” thoughts you might have that will just worry, hurt or offend your partner? I find myself swinging between oversharing and not sharing but creating a big story in my head without her knowing@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870
So glad I found your videos! By far the most clear and concise person taking about FA, and attachment styles in general. ROCD is me to an Absolute T. And thank you for taking any EFT, I can't wait to check it out.