Polyamory Etiquette
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- Опубликовано: 19 окт 2024
- Has anyone else been watching Couple To Throuple?
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Gabe physically recoiling when Allison says she's not embarrassed to share her needs lmfaooooo
Allison your secure attachment is showing xD
The way that Phantom and Allison stared lovingly at each other at 3:10 🥺
So I was a third at some point but the problem is, they both wouldn't admit I was not in the same level of priority. Like they insisted it was all equal despite me having limited time to spend and at one point, half of a date was spend by them fighting over text message. And I was fully fine with the hierarchy, if they had only admitted that there was one 🤦🏻♂️
Amen. I've been there... I'm sorry you went through that
Sneakiarchy is the worst.
I was in a triad for several years, and we did not plan it to be that way that’s just how the relationships evolved. I always found it strange when people said that’s the structure they were aiming for because you can’t force it or seek it, the dynamic will work or not. I loved it at the time but also it was tough (three way intimacy is fun but people don’t think of the three way arguments about chores) and ultimately didn’t last. My mum was always fascinated by our sleeping arrangements too!
Gabe is 100% right about vulnerability being embarrassing. I have the same shocked reaction to Allison not feeling the same. I can only dream of reaching that point! Loved the conversation ❤
RE: the Valentine's day example, it's not just about figuring out what exactly about the situation (VD in this case) matters to each person, but also about questioning why it matters so much in the first place. Maybe dressing up and having dinner on VD matters to you because you want to feel valued and visible next to your partner, or because you have a history of marking these celebrations with a partner, or maybe you just look really good in red and want to go out on that day. These are all valid wants and needs that go beyond a specific holiday and could potentially be addressed in a much more long-term sustainable way than "you need to pick me over someone else to have dinner on this one specific day OR ELSE."
Being emotionally vulnerable when you’re upset gets easier and less embarrassing every time you do it. I also have OCD, and it sucks hard, totally not worth it, but I do think it therapy for it (starting at 12) forced me to have more of those emotionally vulnerable experiences when I was younger, making it no longer feel embarrassing!
One of my best friends is in a closed triad relationship, and it ALWAYS blows (certain) people's minds how much they're like any other monogamous relationship. Just with three people.
My friend was dating their partner when they mutually met a friend's friend that they clicked with. My friend more-so than their partner, but the click was so strong, AND they'd previously established that my friend's partner was poly. My friend had never tried it, but was open to it if the situation felt right... and this felt right.
So the three of them (first the couple, and then the third person too) all sat down and discussed it, and it all just made sense. Now they've all been a couple for 4 years as a triad. Honestly, they feel just like any other monogamous couple - there's just three of them. But they're all equals, they all love each other, and it's in general really incredible to see. My friend is even the first to say that they don't know if they'd seek this out again specifically IF anything ever happened, but their triad works because it's all about the mutual feelings for each other. Not necessarily because they're poly, although they all happen to love in a way where it can happen.
TL;DR, I totally agree with Gabe when I think about the "third" person. Of course, every kind of relationship is different and no which one is wrong so long as it's consensual, there's good communication, and every participant is happy. But a lot of people have a narrow minded version of what a poly relationship is, and my philosophy (especially after seeing my friend's relationship), is that THE most important thing is that they communicate and everyone is satisfied with it. The poly couples that "other" the third in a way that makes the third insecure are toxic, imo.
TW: mild internalised biphobia
Two years ago I ended up watching a drama series that revolves around polyamory (it's called Trigonometry) and remembering having a similar feeling many years ago when I was watching Orange Is the New Black (back when I doubted my bisexuality hard). I would think to myself "I prolly don't like girls but how awesome would it be if I was in jail and somehow "forced" to have a sapphic relationship?!" That's why representation is important. Thank you for being here since my late adolescence.
that didn’t need a trigger warning
@@megan-co5km better safe than sorry
Omg, just came back after like 5 years haha. I see things have changed 😂 Lots of love to you ❤
I live with an engaged ENM couple and I'm monog and dating, and it's the best. A man stormed out on me horribly on Valentines Day and it was so nice to be able to go downstairs and cry to my friend, her fiance, and her boyfriend, who were all just hanging out in the living room and watching a movie together. ♥
I’m watching the show with my friends who are not technically a throuple - two are primary partners and one of them has a relationship with the third, but they all have a very good dynamic and communication, so we joke they are a throuple, and what’s better than watching Couple to Throuple with your throuple….and your ace friend💀it’s very interesting to watch with people who have such a healthy poly relationship
I'm with you Gabe, how is Allison so self-assured that she doesn't find it embarrassing to share her needs T.T Teach us, Allison!
This was such an interesting chat! I felt like Gabe didn't fully answer Allison's question (how to decide who goes out on Valentine's day)- in my experience, this is the function of hierarchy. In my poly life, having a hierarchy allows the people in the extended poly relationships to understand whose needs rank first when the needs come into conflict (in the way described in the video).
As long as everybody talks about their feelings and is alright with the hierarchy as it stands it can work! But unfortunately a lot of people aren't really able to do that, or turn out to not feel okay about the situation and then don't communicate about it.
When you get into relationship anarchy though, or no hierarchy... then it gets complicated in a way I've tried to never be involved in lol
yes this!!!!!!
I've been doing poly for a few years now and i try as hard as i can to maintain no hierarchy. of course things naturally fall one way when you have a routine already built with someone and a new person comes into your life, but I try my best to challenge that and value each relationship in its own way.
I've been in situations when I have to choose (like valentines day) and I've always been able to talk it out. like gabe said, everyone talks and comes to the conclusion based on who values valentines day, or who's been going through a rough phase and was looking foward to being pampered on that special date, or who's been planning something more elaborate, or whose schedule works out best, and a million more possibilities.
and you still celebrate valentines day with the other person, just maybe 1 day early or 1 day late or with a weekend getaway instead of that Tuesday dinner.
it works out if everyone feels seen and heard. somehow things make sense, just like how you manage to celebrate your birthday with friends, family and your significant other in different ways.
Valentines was on my day two years in a row and I invited my metamour both years.
It feels like a good day to celebrate the whole thing rather than just one relationship in it
I’ve been a metamour twice with different degrees of closeness and I think that being in a polyamorous relationship just really requires everyone to have a lot of empathy and care for everyone. It’s not on just one person
Yes Gabe! Romantic relationships are so embarrassing, and no one prepares you for that 😮
😂
"We start with a couple who is looking for their third" ...so unicorn hunters? When you start from a bad place, it's no surprise when it continues to go wrong from there. And no, you're not being judge-y at all, you're just recognizing a bad dynamic and calling out that it's being portrayed as the norm or even the only way to do poly.
unicorn hunters is hilarious but don't people do this all the time without words involved just like body language and snuck in suggestion? like people do this without ever having it discussed it's just how connections play out sometimes in group settings? the show not tell of polyamory or somethin 😂
been loving the c2t recaps bc i find the show fascinating in all its strict rules of throupledom, while on the surface being more "open" than all the dating shows that say you have to end up w only one person. also phantom is so delightful to watch
I totally agree with Gabe regarding the way we treat thirds. Some couple can really make you feel disposible.
like people do that to friends too when one person is picked as a person of interest and the other may as well be not there with the friend! gives me the ick when people act that way
It's so hurtful
great episode! thank you!
I feel like there is a problem in dating in general these days where people are not dating people because they actually like them, but just because they’re there and available to date.
"its embarrassing to share my needs and emotions" Gabe truly is a guy lol
Don't genderize emotional vulnerability.
@@sexyscientistdon’t be a wet blanket
@@rioclemmons4094 I'm so sorry Rio and David.
You guys you guys let’s all remember that no matter what we are all traumatized 😅
@sexyscientist no need to apologize. Your viewpoint is reasonable. I was shooting for a joke that also affirms Gabe. I hadn't considered how others might read it.
Gabe - great content, BUT Phantom stole the show for me 😂 He's so precious!
For me the idea of a healthy throuple is a fantasy. I’d love to be in one but I don’t think it’ll happen. It’s hard enough just finding your niche of friends in life let alone 2 life partners who also love each other lol
People can stand to be a little more judgey, Gabe. You're good.
Same Gabe. That’s why I can’t be Polyam. It’s gross enough being emotional vulnerable with just 1 person. And I’m not even good at that 1/2 the time.
Its interesting to hear Gabe's take on polyamory etiquette and boundaries--sounds like relationship requirements that de facto takes a lot of time, energy, thought and conversation. Rudest thing I do in a relationship is not apologize. If I upset a partner by doing something that fits within our stated boundaries, I won't apologize. I will sympathize and empathize, but I won't apologize.
I track with everything gabe said except for the parts about fighting because if two people have a conflict, why does another party (regardless of relationship) need to be included in that? unless the fight is about the other person, of course.
Gabe is so handsome with these summer in Italy vibes, giving me major gender envy
I really, really want to read Gabe's piece about the show!
Gabe is looking gooooooood
8:44 “I don’t know if that happens!” It happens a lot where people’s desires are conflicting. Imagine going on a vacation with your in law. You can’t control what they do, but if they’re in a bad mood or not communicating it definitely stinks for others like light pollution. that’s why we encourage not being codependent and accept sometimes your partners aren’t going to get on with your other partners. Same as roommates with friends. That’s life baby.
This is way too triggering to listen too lol. As someone who started as a third and then went through a LOT in that relationship dynamic, I wanted to leap into the TV and join the discussion SO BAD
I watched it just for the dog.
So the red light thing is a way to catch people on running light tickets
when you are a hopeless romantic but you attract people in twos while some are more open about that dynamic they found themselves in than others but you can still sense the other of the duo(s) there even if you haven't met them or sensed into their constellations in person? 😞💗
i know that my lense can be offkilter but i think sometimes it's an emotionally insulting element of surprise when you bring it up to someone who finds themselves in two's: like yes i see that, yes i sense that. and you get to feel into their reaction then too and it doesn't clear things up for you.. like please don't lie to me: when we're sharing a space in person! i think it's often somewhat clear that there's someone in their life that they are emotionally holding onto while it's like obviously nobody owes you an in or an out around something unclearly defined but man it makes in-person dating so much harder? feels like you're navigating muddy waters (not sure what song that is oH FKA twigs of course)? i'm talking people who don't do labels! and i know i'm part of that problem 🫠 we need a union for real!! 😂
i just like people who let on more to their emotional truths i guess? as long as i sense and know we both know or you know, senseing in the one person and then the other as a group, and that's felt eyes to eyes i'm good. i don't even need it spelled out in words but if there's conversations about such an experience i need it to go expressed with an emotional sense of consistency like i need what we feel to add up to something not take odd divisions for purposes of diverting untruths or pushaway. do genuinely think some people have a need for scare-off! and like i love horror as much as the next guy but not when it comes to opening up with my heart, i think sometimes that's just self-and-other-sabotage 💗🐊
In my twenties, I was looking for an apartment and this couple made two listings, one was for a single woman, the other for a couple and they tried to convince me with the single account that the couple account was a good idea (the single account is how they got info about me.) So they wanted me to move in with them, have sex with them, pay rent, sleep on a pull out couch in the living room, and do house work. I told the first account if you think this sounds good you do it but it was so gross and insulting.
i enjoyed this convo! I was a lil disappointed that the word demented was used tho :/
Gabe is lookin like such a cute boiiii ahh
Sugar is so cute
Who on the channel, all living in LA, is uploading the videos at 2am?
It's Gabe.
Was allison aware that most people have trouble expressing their feelings in relationships?
This might be harsh but Gabe's admission at 7:22 is insane. You want to "have your little tantrum" without explaining or having consequences for your actions?? Nah, that's just emotionally manipulative and childish. Your actions have consequences and the way that you treat your partner reflects your commitment to the relationship. Not only that, but the way that someone handles conflict in a relationship demonstrates the health of said bond.
I truly find that admission to be wildly immature and reflective of Gabe as a person. Wow..... that's truly selfish.
Allison is weird about being able to be emotionally present during a tantrum, it's not just you, Gabe
As a poly person, I've sat through so many lines of questioning like this that this video actually triggered a strong emotional response by the way Allison was trying to ... what? Get Gabe to admit poly falls apart when two people magically have the EXACT same needs? Gabe is right, that doesn't often happen in practice.
I don't know, I've definitely seen it happen,, when people do the "dating 2 people at once" thing and then both of their partners want their attention/have a crisis at the same time it's kind of the same situation
Yay
thats too much work
my good. I leave for a few years and this happens. gabby I understand, she is quite literaly the stereotypical super feminist, sexually open lesbian type. the church of wokeness really loves transexualizing non-heterosexual women. but Allison was such a (visualy) perfect creature. does she at least have some medical condition that caused her to be soo overweight?
Gabe was always bi, not lesbian
I very briefly dated a polyamorous girl that was extremely loving and extremely manipulative at the same time, and it was perhaps the most traumatic experience of my life. It turned out that she was in a toxic, patriarchal relationship and imposing said patriarchy on her secondary partners.
She love bombed me so intensely that I didn't have the strength to leave even though it was necessary to leave.
It was necessary to leave because it because clear almost immediately that she was willing to hurt my feelings for the protection of another man.
Her main partner objected to a form of intimacy she and I were about to try, because he didn't like the way that it made him feel.
DEAL BREAKER.
What I do with her during MY one-on-one time with her is NONE OF HIS DAMNED BUSINESS. My one-on-one time with her is about ME and MY needs; NOT HIS NEEDS.
Any man that's going to tell me, "You can be with my woman, but I'm going to tell you what is and is not allowed," can fucking kick rocks. And so can she if she's going to facilitate that.
That is an absolutely gross example of a toxic, patriarchal hierarchy.