What Are Our Relationship Boundaries??
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- Опубликовано: 15 окт 2024
- Gabe and Allison realize they don't know what boundaries are. Please help.
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I wish I remembered who said this, but I once heard: boundaries are meant to give people guidelines for how to get close to you, not a way to push people away
“Someone can do whatever they want, but you have to decide if you want to be there for it.” 💯
Not a tiktok, not the podcast, just the classic.
I personally feel like there are requests and there are boundaries that often get confused with one another in the common discourse online (I too was confused for a long time). So here's what I came up with as a personal framing of the idea. Words are everchanging and so I don't expect everyone to see it the same way. Here goes!
Requests are when you ask someone else to do something (their choice) and boundaries are your personal set of "rules" for yourself (your action). At the end of the day, you aren't responsible for anyone else's behavior, only your own. We can request that others make different choices or do something that aligns with our needs and wants but they will ultimately decide what to do. I use boundaries as a personal accountability measure for what I do when someone else does something that could be uncomfortable/harmful to me. I see them as a way to respect myself and set reasonable expectations for my behavior. The world is full of different people and it's unrealistic to think that the current world will accommodate each person's personal wants/needs at all times.
I've seen and met people who say things like "I don't go out on weeknights, you need to stop planning events on weeknights. That's my boundary". They have gotten upset with responses such as "I can't go out most weekends, could we compromise and hang out on a variety of days?" or "Sorry you can't make it but this event is only on Thursdays and we want to go". The first person may say something like "you need to respect my boundaries!" which (imo) is where a lot of the confusion stems from. Person A (who can't go out on weeknights) has made a request. A true boundary would be "If you plan an event on a weeknight, I will not go" or "If my friends only hang out on weeknights, I will do XYZ to seek friends who can hang out when I can".
A request is when you ask someone else to do something. They have the option to choose to do that something or not do it. You hope to have relationships with people who respect your requests and are willing to compromise, discuss, or do them. Someone not being interested or positively responding to your requests may indicate you need to dig deeper into why a relationship may not be working.
A boundary is when you set the expectation of what your action is in response to something. I personally think the best boundaries are the ones that seek to respect yourself and do not seek to do harm to others. Ultimately, you are in charge of respecting your boundaries (e.g. If I am sad, I won't drink alcohol. That one is on you to follow for your own mental well-being!). A boundary is also not a punishment. "If you are not home by X, then I will be mad at you" is not a good boundary because it seeks to punish another person (adult!) for their behavior. A more reasonable boundary might be "If my partner stays out late all the time and I want to hang out with them instead, I will request that we do something together one night a week OR I will have a discussion about how it makes me feel and learn about why they are staying out late OR I will re-evaluate if I want to be with a person whose schedule is so different than mine". None of those options seek to punish or harm the other person but seek to affirm their own wants and needs within the relationship. If you have to repeatedly use a boundary (e.g. hanging up the phone because someone is cursing a lot), it may indicate you need to either a) make a request of them or b) reevaluate.
Ideally, you want to have relationships (of all kinds) with people who are willing to compromise, discuss, or say "yes" to your reasonable requests and you want to have boundaries that respect your identity and well-being.
Very well said! With requests, I think there's also a difference between "could you please do X? it's really important to me" versus going "if you don't do x we are gonna have a problem". if someone consistently puts no effort into requests you've communicated, there are gonna be problems anyway, but leading with gentleness and vulnerability usually works better imo (if there's already a solid foundation, at least).
@@alissa6380 I agree and good point! I feel like you are getting into tricky territory if your requests for people in your life are more of a demand than an ask. I also like to think about requests as a starting point for a discussion of wants and needs and creating compromise because that's ultimately how your relationship can flourish!
@@corsivapurpleus yup! and i also like the system of quantifying how important sth is to both parties on a scale of ten for the purposes of communication. if it's a similar and/or low number, then compromise (or just accepting mild disagreement as part of the relationship) is probably the way to go. but like you might *assume* that the issue of where to put a sponge after you've finished doing the dishes is a small thing, but if one of you comes out with an eight and the other's inconvenience is a two, suddenly that becomes a different conversation and *of course* you can accommodate someone you love. (as long as nobody starts saying everything is a ten to them ofc.) but that shift can't happen if there's no way to convey the subjective importance of things between different people, who of course will rank these things differently and might not be able to even comprehend that sponges could be anything more than a level three to anyone.
@@corsivapurpleus very true! also i think there's a sliding scale for me with demands vs. asks based on how close i am with the perosn and how much they've respected me in the past. if i'm telling a friend that i don't really like giving hugs, i would request that they please not give hugs but suggest an alternative, and if it's something that really bugs them have deeper conversations, ask about why, give my reasoning, find a compromise, do it when i'm more comfortable with them, etc. but if it's a pushy family member that i'm trying to maintain a relationship with for whatever reason, i might demand it more -- "i've said that i don't do this. we aren't talking about it more. if you keep doing this i won't come over anymore." y'know?
long time listener, first time caller - been really loving the medium content! the topics are chef's kiss and this amount of time is perfect :)
I think the sleeping example from Gabe was perfect. "You can come home at any time but if you're not home by __blank__ than I will be asleep", is a great boundary because it allows freedom to the partner who is going out to have their own schedule, but the other partner is setting their own expectation and needs for sleep so they're not up waiting around all night.
I think maybe sometimes its about being anxious that the other person gets home safe or something, so they on't want to go to bed before the partner gets home, bc then if something happens they wont be up?
@@EmmanuelleBeaudoinRoy while that is true, that doesn't mean your partner gets to control when you come home. If you really someone to be home early, find a different partner.
I also think it would be fair to set a boundary in the lines of
‘if you come home after X o’clock, I you want you to be try to be really quite and sleep on the couch. As I have work / school / whatever in the morning, if you wake me up in the early hours I will have a lot of trouble going back to sleep.’
In terms of feeling anxious before someone else gets home. I think that worry is understandable but I also think that anxiety is somebody elses.
And setting up a curfew or something, because somebody else gets anxiety when you are out later then X o’clock, is their feelings and their responsibility
One exception here is for people who live in apartment buildings and the late comer forces the sleeping one to wake up and open the door... every now and then is fine, but I wouldn't want it to become a habit.
@@IQzminus2 my wife and I both have erratic sleep schedules and trade off being night owls, and this is basically what we do! The exact thing that we need changes on the day (for instance, if you wake me up in the middle of the night on a weekend it's less of a big deal than a workday where I have an early meeting), but we keep the same general constants. Usually, it's either "I'm going to bed at 11 PM, so if you're up past then I'll be asleep" or "I'm going to bed at 11 PM; if you're going to be later than that, I would appreciate if you slept in the guest bedroom so I can get uninterrupted sleep." We use this specific example enough that usually the non-sleeping partner will let the other person know ahead of time "hey I'm going to be up late, which one would you prefer tonight?" so that boundary doesn't even need to be directly stated by the sleeping partner.
"It's great when two people want to fix something instead of always be right."
Fuck, write a book y'all!
...oh yeah.
Honestly this video reminded me how important boundaries are in a relationship; doing what individuals can to make a relationship positive for both parties without compromising your own personal values and needs
when it's a gray area, i feel like it's best to understand what's at the heart of the potentially controlling/rule-setting behavior. like, in the end, boundaries are an opportunity for ppl to get closer bc you get more comfortable with vulnerability when you understand a relationship is a place where you're loved and respected
I love this video so much. For me a boundary is the line between what's okay and what's not okay. When I communicate my boundaries I'm not laying down rules, or trying to regulate someone else's behaviour, I'm just being clear about what's okay for me and what's not okay for me. I think it's up to the other person to decide how they're going to respect my boundaries. For example I don't drink. I think its okay for other people to drink, but I don't think it's okay for people to expect me to drink. So, I have some friends who wouldn't invite me if they were going out drinking. Instead we go to the cinema, go out for dinner, meet up for coffee etc. I have other friends who do invite me if they're going out drinking. They don't care if they get drunk and make a fool of themselves in front of me. They also trust that I'll leave if I'm not having a good time and they wouldn't hold it against me if I did. I have other friends who invite me out clubbing and if I choose to come they choose not to drink. For them drinking isn't part of what makes a night out fun. So, if I'm not drinking why would they? There's not just one way to respect my boundary and I grow closer to my friends when I see how they choose to respect the fact I don't drink. Its the same with romantic partners. I'm not a great fan of kissing someone if they've been drinking. So, one guy I dated started carrying a travel toothbrush and toothpaste set. It just made him taste of minty beer but it was adorable.
This is very self aware and mature! I think people sometimes phrase needs as “I need ___, so you have to do ___ to meet that need”, but I think it’s better to voice the need and be accepting of multiple ways that the other person could meet the need. That way you are being accommodating of all people involved and increasing the likelihood that the need will be met.
I share Allison's view about how a boundary is more about expressing rules on how others treat you. Eg: if you comment about my weight, I will not invite you to my birthday party. If you do ABC, I will *do* XYZ. Not 'feel' XYZ, do XYZ. (The feelings thing might just be open communication lol).
So taking Gabe's example of the curfew; I'm not sure if being angry at someone for coming back past a certain time can be a true boundary because (1) the boundary-crosser hasn't encroached into the boundary-maker's personal limits, and (2) the boundary-maker's response is an emotion rather than an action that protects the boundary-maker (which, afaik is the whole purpose of boundaries).
To me a boundary is about communicating how you expect to be treated, so like Allison's example: "if you curse at me over the phone, I will hang up". The first part of that to me would be the boundary (ie: I will not tolerate being cursed at), and the second part is the consequence of someone disrespecting that boundary.
I'd say boundaries apply in all relationship contexts - romantic, platonic, family, work, etc., whereas maybe (communicated) expectations and/or relationship rules are more about making the dynamic of each individual relationship work for you.
So in the context of coming home late, I'd say the only boundary that's typically warranted is around disturbing each other's peace, like "if you come home really drunk and you're going to be loud, please sleep on the couch so you don't wake me up", and maybe setting an expectation of "if you're home after this time, I'll be asleep" could be appropriate as well. I don't think it's ever appropriate or can be considered a boundary to dictate until what time the other person can be out - that to me would be control.
i think there's also a grey area -- maybe it's less about sleep and more about wishing to have more quality time with someone after they've been out. in that case, you can say something like "i like recapping with you after you go out. it makes me feel connected with you after we've been disconnected for a while. you like going out late and feel controlled by a curfew, which is super understandable. can we figure out a solution?" and maybe that's working on living in the discomfort and being okay with talking to someone in the morning! maybe it's staying up later some nights! maybe it's finding a friend you can distract yourself with and have your own sleepy fun with some nights! maybe it's working on understanding why you need that extra connection so bad and letting go of needing control! or maybe that person will go "oh, i never thought of that. i'll make sure to leave some time to connect with you at the end of the night, even if it means leaving earlier" or "i'll update you via text" or "come with me more often! i didn't realize you wanted to come!" and sometimes it means that you just....need to be with someone who doesn't go out late, or who you are monogamous with and so you're not thinking about them hooking up with others, and the other person needs to be with someone who will go out with them more or not need to recap late and be more comfortable with not knowing. sorry, this is such a paragraph, but i think there's more nuance than just being controlling (and sometimes there's not and it's purely to control you!)
I think a boundary is an expression of love-you set a boundary because you want to keep someone in your life, not the other way around. And just like you said about self-regulation, I don't always feel like a boundary needs to be spoken aloud. It's an action you take in response to someone else's actions (not the feelings towards their actions, if that makes sense). I'm on Gabe's side of this issue (deeply avoidant, never vulnerable), and I've been thinking about the difference between interpersonal relationship boundaries and my own emotional walls. Sometimes they feel the same. Love ya, xoxo
It took me way too long to grasp "I don't tolerate" language, because it wasn't until I was 30 that I truly realized that I can leave relationships and distance myself from people who violate my boundaries. So for a while, I didn't understand boundaries because what consequence could I enforce?? Like what does "I don't tolerate" mean with that mindset? That's why they seemed more about controlling someone than protecting yourself.
I love the couch show so much and I love the topics you cover on it! Thank you for bringing it back!
Been in the same relationship for 5 years/lived together for 3 and still learning new boundaries with each other! Good stuff that makes us both feel safer and closer.
This is is such an important conversation, thank you. I'm Autistic and physically disabled, and it's been so common in my relationships for partners to believe (and make others believe) my boundaries didn't matter.
A boundary is for self, about self and enforceable entirely with self. I'd encourage people to keep "you" out of boundaries altogether. The curfew example could better be "I need to sleep X amount of hours so I can stay up and wait but only until X o'clock". Also, agreements are important but let's call them agreements.
I think it should also be noted that it's not about making people respect you, it's about knowing when and how to disengage because you respect yourself.
i think its important to distinguish asks that come from a place of needing a sense of control which we all do to some extent from "being controlling" which seems tied to issues of power & control/abuse.
healthy boundaries are often bourne from the ability to hash out our child-like needs and immature impulses, hurt and even anger, and dig deeper to fufill needs healthily. but if a person doesnt have the abilty to do that, that's when the other person sets their boundary and leaves, unless there is an abuse dynamic.
"controlling and being responsible for your own well-being and your own emotions, and taking yourself out of situations that you are not comfortable with" IS SO KEY!
My boundary was "If you cheat on me, I'll have no choice but to leave you" (after years of on/off cheating and abs*; ofc she didn't consider what she was doing cheating even though I always had; she just wanted me to shut up, "understand her" aka let her do whatever she wanted regardless of my feelings etc etc. She said what she was doing was poly but like, no). Anyway, a month of back and forth, constant fighting, too much trust broken, lots of resentment. I told her that it didn't matter if we had been together for 9 years, I couldn't do it anymore. She was so disrespectful and then she broke my boundary, begged for me to stay but I told her that it was too late. It didn't matter that she had a therapy appointment (she even told me that even she was able to emotionally regulate on her own - she relied on me for that plus validation a lot of the time - she would still cheat on me bc that's just who she is). So I peaced out when she was at work. Felt good to stand up for myself after years of letting her walk all over me/me walking on eggshells to keep the peace.
Basically just got to the point where I was putting in all the work. She would pity party about whatever and I'd give suggestions, ask if she wanted to go for a walk with me etc and she'd be like no nothing will help me etc. Also refused couples counseling and didn't want me going to counseling (or talking to anyone about how she treated me) so to a point she was self aware and just didn't care how awful she treated me like ???
Wow, sorry for unloading! I'm actually in a much better place 5 months out of the relationship, but definitely not in a position where I can even think about dating again. Who knows what'll happen in the future though!
Good on you
@@foreverwantingpie thank you, love your pic and username 😌
I was totally there Gabe last year. Basically I was trying to tell the difference between a boundary and ultimatum. This is what I journaled:
A *boundary* is about our own limits, an *ultimatum* is about controlling someone else's behavior.
Boundaries are set early (or as early as they can be), are clear and honest, respectful, and the consequences do not exist to punish.
Boundaries are "I" statements ("I cannot keep doing all of the dishes after dinner every night, I will do half" / "I can't have a conversation about this topic. We can talk about something else though." / "I do not feel like I'm in a romantic relationship for the past few weeks, can we set some time for a date?")
i love the youtube vids and i would literally die for these two.
allison explained things so well ! thank you for the language around so many important parts of boundaries!
Love that you brought these back!
My ex put boundaries in place that made it difficult for me to communicate things in our relationship to protect their mental health. I'm not sure how healthy that was. I wanted to protect her mental health but I had to keep in a lot of stuff and felt that I couldn't tell her when she did stuff that hurt me. The point about emotional regulation is so important. She couldn't regulate her emotions and anxiety so she had to put those rules in place. Hence why everything went tits up 😔 I wish I knew that this was not okay back then. Would've saved me all the heartbreak and we would've broken up earlier
When two people wanna resolve something instead of being right. - it's very helpful
I had to set a boundary with a friend that I could no longer be his sounding board about the toxic woman living with him. She had parents in the state, wasn't dating him, and was making him miserable and I was done telling him to kick her out. Thankfully it all sorted out eventually and we are still friends.
My therapist told me a boundary is where you end and the other person begins.
Your show is always super relevant and helpful for me and what I'm trying to work on, sending lots of love and good vibes your way ❤
I'm late! I'm late!! But I wanted to say I love the medium-in-the-middle-targeted-strike topics! And also (disregard if unwelcome) as a fellow trans guy, Gabe, your mustache is coming in IMMACULATELY and your voice is like honey on thunder my dude!! Im so excited for you!!!
Channel ana psychology has(or at least had) a helpful video. Either way I recommend her channel, she has different playlists that make it easier to find what you need. The video was about boundaries vs emotional blackmail.
I think of setting boundaries for children, this is how they can play freely and safely. Children love to push boundaries but they’re just testing how strong they are because boundaries make children feel safe. When you’re setting boundaries as an adult you’re not forcing someone to do anything (because they aren’t a child) but you’re saying this is where I can play freely and feel safe. I think there is room as adults to build trust apart from just maintaining safe boundaries but breaking someone’s boundaries isn’t a good place to start.
A boundary has to do with your space, whether that be physically, emotionally, actively or whatever. It's about lines you set around what people can do to or expect from you. "Please do not- touch me in this way- talk to me in this way- expect these things from me- demand me to exhibit emotion in a certain way- out me to others-" etc.
It's not about what they do to or with other people or on their own. That is not a boundary. If you set a requirement for what someone does outside of its direct impact or requirement of you, that's a rule. "Please do not- sleep with other people- spend time with other people- be emotionally intimate with other people- watch pornography- stay out after a certain time- have certain hobbies or jobs-" etc
A boundary has you at the center and they can cross and push into it against your wishes.
A rule has them at the center and they can exit out of it away from your wishes.
Allison's example: "I can't see my partner during the week, because I'm too busy" is actually a clear boundary. It relates to the days and time that the person themselves has, and where their partner can enter into it. Basically: 'Mon-Fri I do not want to see you, because I have other priorities, but sat/sun we can hang.'
Of course their partner can say '2 days isn't enough for me, I want you to prioritise me in a way that does allow me to see you mon-fri'. They are stating their needs, as well as asking their partner how hard that boundary is and whether it can change. 'I need to be able to see my partner during the week' is not a boundary, it is a need. It is not 2 boundaries clashing, it is a need that isn't being fulfilled, because a partner has a specific boundary. If this conflict is too great, the relationship just won't work.
I think people use boundaries far too liberally, when they want to have rules for the relationship.
It's ok for people to have rules, but know that rules are mainly good for finding or making shared values. Either you find both of you agree to a rule fully, both of you want to start applying themselves to that rule, or 1 of you doesn't fully (or at all) agree with the rule and it leads to more trouble in the relationship down the line.
Instead of saying "If you don't come home by 10, I'll be asleep", probably you want to say something about your needs and ask about theirs, and how they overlap: "I have a need for personal intimacy, and want to spend time with you before going to bed, and also I need to go to bed by 10 to get enough sleep for my next day. What are your needs? What priorities are you going to focus on today? Will you be home in time to spend time with me?"
The answer might be something like "I need some social time with friends because it's hard to get together with them, but I also want to fulfill your needs, If I'm just out for a few hours, and come back by 9 that would be enough for me, we can have an hour together then." OR it might be "I really need to prioritise time for me, my social energy and my other friendships which I have so little opportunity for, so if I go I don't plan to be back before 10. Can we spend time together another evening? Can I prioritise me tonight, and you another night this week?" It's more honest, and less passive.
its been lovely seeing your faces again
Love this show so much
A boundary is an action about yourself. A.k.a "I will do my own hobby without you" or "if you don't come home before 11pm I will go to bed". Even saying "if you comment on a girls social media I will break up with you" is a boundary because you can decide if you want to accept those terms in the relationship (although in that scenario maybe that person needs therapy and disect why they have that boundary). The thing with boundaries though they need to be genuine and you need to follow through with the action. Constant threats of breaking up when you just want to control a person and the action being directed to the other person a.k.a "you will not stay out past 11pm" is toxic. Saying your partner shouldn't do something because it will incite an emotion a.k.a "stay up past 11pm will make me worried and therefore don't do it" Is not a boundary either, it's control. In that situation you need to communicate, be vulnerable and unpack why you have the emotional response you have, and then work together to resolve it without infringing on personal freedoms.
i think sometime the boundary is set as "if you do or don't do x, then i will worry" and if the other person does it still (bc it's unreasonable or bc they just don't want to), the boundary becomes "if you do or don't do x, I will worry, and then when i know you're safe, I will be angry at you bc you didn't do what i asked" (edit: maybe both are not actually boundaries, but ppl think they are)
What do you think about drinking as a boundary? It's something that triggers me a lot (other people being drunk when I am not, for example being casually at home) but I'm struggling with that as a boundary because it's something that upsets me and makes me feel uneasy at home when my partner who lives with me drinks, but it also feels controlling to ask them not to when its just us at home
Dream Collab: JBU and Mickey Atkins!
This was really thought provoking i love the topic. Can i formally request to be friends with you guys?😂 Also im very sure giving someone else is a curfew isnt a boundary unless its your child!
But what does "treat each other with mutual respect" mean? You can't just say that and not define it. I think it's reasonable for someone to expect their partner to come home by 2:00 am out of respect. It's not respectful to the primary relationship to stay out all night. That might not work for the other person and then they can break up, but I don't think that's unreasonable. It's about respect. Do you honor and respect your primary relationship or not. I guess it's about perspective. But neither is wrong.
Best couch show in quite a while. Relatable, Helpful, Real, Empowering; great stuff.
Gabe, you gave a perfect example with the partner going to sleep thing versus a RULE about a curfew.
I teach healthy relationships and violence prevention to college students and that’s an example I’m going to steal!
I talk about boundaries a lot in my job and I think you understand them better than you think… it sounds like you have experiences with people trying to control/manipulate you and unfortunately it’s led to you doubting how you feel about boundaries and what is a reasonable need from them.
Don’t doubt yourself!
What ARE boundaries? !
It feels unfair to me to dissect the behavior of your recent ex on a public platform. This feels a little bit to me like Gabe might be turning the public narrative in a certain way. Talking about boundaries based on past experiences on this platform is fine. Complaining about an ex with friends is fine. There’s a power dynamic here that I think should be considered. Even if Mal was totally controlling (maybe, I don’t know the situation) this is not a good forum to address it.
Edit: No shade, I don’t think it was a deliberate, malicious choice or anything. Long time fan. Just don’t think it’s totally fair. Some things shouldn’t involve us. Or at least obfuscate enough that we don’t know exactly who is being discussed.
Gabe doesnt like dogs?
setting a curfew??? that's violating and controlling.
I think that having a time to be expected home is a fair boundary. If the person you're with is always waiting for you to come home it isn't fair to them. I wouldn't want a partner that was going out so much that I had to put my foot down and then they turn around and call it a curfew. I also think its justified to be angry if someone violates your boundary and it should be understood that if they cross boundaries of what you're going to expect in the relationship, you're gonna be pissed. To spin it as the partner being controlling and emotionally manipulative by not wanting their partner regularly coming home at odd hours shows how little they understand about normal boundaries in a long-term relationship.
I think this comment makes a few assumptions: (1) the curfew is very late at night (ex. not something like 9pm), (2) the curfew was enacted based on the person going out constantly, and (3) the curfew is the same every night. I think there are circumstances where a “curfew” (or agreed upon time someone will come home) could be reasonable and other circumstances where it is a way for one partner to exert control over the other.
@@hamham998 That's true I used assumptions on what would be a normal situation where someone would put their foot down about what time their partner comes home. There wasn't anything that was a red flag in the details, only the complaint that the ex would "get mad" if they came home later than agreed upon and insinuated that it was controlling/emotionally abusive to have an emotional response to having their relationship boundaries pushed. Gabe started the video by asking what was a reasonable boundary/ask from a partner, and then brought up "his curfew" and from what was discussed I don't think that was an unreasonable ask from them.
@@chelseascreenameI don’t think there’s any one normal situation, but you’re correct that not a lot of details were provided so there’s lots of possibilities. Even “get mad” could be many things - there’s a big difference between calmly expressing frustration and a toxic response like explosive anger or bringing it up passive aggressively for days or weeks. Anyway, I guess my point is that all of this is dependent on details so there’s no absolutely right or wrong answer.
@@hamham998 I agree, there are a lot of possibilities, but one should prefer the one that requires fewest assumptions. I think based on what was said that Gabe would come home later than what was agreed, and that spurred a major problem in their relationship. Gabe obvious didn't think it was a reasonable ask from the way they set it up in the video. If this was an AITA post, I would say this is a slam dunk YTA. Adding on the fact that they shared this publicly on social media and got to frame the narrative from his perspective which casts the ex as potentially controlling.
@@chelseascreenameGabe did not say that they violated the curfew or if they did, how often and by how much. For example, was it one time by 10 minutes? Or all the time? I don’t think anything could be a “slam dunk YTA” on either side here because there just aren’t enough details. Any assumptions at all means you could be wrong; having “fewer” assumptions doesn’t necessarily bring you closer to the truth. That’s all I’ll say on this - I think we just have different approach on the logical conclusions you can reach with a lack of details.
I think overthinking is like a huge huge thing in this lol y’all millennials need to chill (just a little bit)
Why did Gabi transition? Did they always feel like a male or did they stop wanting to be female?
Please call him Gabe, he is transitioning because this is what is right for him. If you dig through other content you will get more nuance, but we aren't owed that.
Feels like you've got a beat on boundaries and rules, the other dynamic is you can also just have lifestyles/preferences/values that don't gel or require compromise.
Like if one of you is out all the time and that bugs the other, it can just not be a good match without that being the fault of anyone or a breached boundary (it feels like it's a boundary when it's like, "you coming into my house past 11pm can trigger my PTSD and I don't want to hurt myself or you so the autolock deadbolt flips on at 11:01pm" but without a specific cause and effect that values everyone's autonomy, it's a request to compromise on behavior, preferences, or what the relationship looks like.)
Pretty sure that exact "out late vs homebody" lifestyle issue broke up more than one Love is Blind couple.
Wow that girl got big
Mind your own, Laura
Calling a curfew on your partner is *not* a boundary. It's controlling behavior 100%.
I disagree, I think calling it a curfew is kind of manipulative but I think expecting your partner home at a certain time is reasonable. I suppose if you're just dating than its whatever. But if you're living together/married you shouldn't be out at all-hours constantly and is pretty disrespectful to your partner. If that's controlling IDK, but I wouldn't want a partner that was going out so much that I had to put my foot down and then they turn around and call it a curfew.
@@chelseascreename Hey, I'm just putting my opinion. And Gabe used the word curfew, so my opinion is on curfew, not on any lax arrangements.
Expecting your partner at a certain time is reasonable if that expectation is communicated.
"out at all-hours constantly" is strong language that only conveys strong emotions, not the real-world situation. The situation is not related to the topic of the video either.
@@sexyscientist I think Gabe using the word "curfew" was a manipulative way to control the narrative. I'm saying out at all hours because I'm passively followed Gabe's content off and on since their buzzfeed days so over the years I've gotten a sense of their personality. Gabe seems to be (I haven't followed SUPER closely) living this extroverted lifestyle with lots of friends, going out all the time. Nothing wrong with that but my point is this is not some Trad wife where the controlling partner is making them come home every night at 6PM.
@@chelseascreename You have a point. I was under the impression that Gabe's partner used the word curfew and Gabe used the same word on camera.
@@sexyscientist Even if they mutually agreed on a "curfew", it doesn't mean that the ex didn't broach the subject as "Hey you can't be staying out late all the time." And Gabe saying, "Oh so I have a curfew now". Its all about how you frame the discussion. Like I said, its bananas that some people in the comments are like, "This is so controlling" if they've been following Gabe at all through the years. Like come on, lets live in reality.