You might be Alone for the Rest of Your Life - No Big Whoop!
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- Опубликовано: 11 июн 2017
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my RUclips channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
☑️ Heal Your Relationships = #relationships
☑️ Trust Your Intuition = #selfcare
☑️ Repair w/ Counseling = #psychology
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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You might be Alone for the Rest of Your Life - No Big Whoop!
In this video, I talk about how there is an aversion to accepting the reality that sometimes, some of us, will not have a partner relationship. Unfortunately, that reality often comes with feeling less than.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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☑️ Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
☑️ Learn about The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course: www.healingattachmenttrauma.c...
☑️ Learn about Improve Your Relationships Community:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
☑️ Learn about Grieving and Pet Loss Course: Coming Soon
www.healingattachmenttrauma.c...
☑️ Learn about Healing Heartbreak Course: Coming Soon
☑️ Learn about my new book: Coming Soon
☑️ Follow me on Instagram:
@alan_robarge_psychotherapist
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☑️ Check out my website:
www.alanrobarge.com
☑️ Want to learn more about relationships? Then, sign up for the Everyday Relating Questionnaire.
www.alanrobarge.com/everydayr...
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You might be Alone for the Rest of Your Life - No Big Whoop! 
Хобби
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Thank You Sooooo MUCH for Such a TRUTH filled ..Helping HEALING!!!..🙏
Video and Information....And...Thank You very VERY!!! MUCH.🙏❤️👍🏿👍🏿🙏☺️
This is life changing to hear. I so appreciate this. Just hearing someone say these things with such confidence is inspiring to me. I want to be that force for myself and those around me who are struggling with being single
I'm a single, happy, middle-age, childfree woman, with pets. I don't get lonely. I love my own company, even though I have friends. I can be alone or with people. I'm happy either way. I have never been lonely. 😊
Watching this while being alone, and my ex-husband is remarried, I had an epiphany. Yes, society agrees that being in a loving mutually respectful romantic relationship with another adult is ideal. However, the least desirable is being in an abusive manipulative relationship. Therefore, being single is not the worst, it is just in the middle which is not bad!!!
No one is fulfilled in marriage. The very term means misery.
I couldn't agree more.
COPE
@@stephaniep1761 You hit a nail on the head.
You can spoil yourself- alone. In a marriage you have to wait for the other to be there.
Being alone for 23 years; Is not the fear of being alone, Is the fact that you know there's a feeling you won't get to know. I'ts envy in my case.
Exactly how I feel. I've never been in love. I'm jealous. I would like to know how it feels.
I don't think the point was "you will never feel that," it was "you've been convinced you can only feel that in a couple." If you let go of the idea of the happy couple, you give yourself the power to find that feeling in unconventional ways.
I'm unsure if the feeling is intimacy, that it can be found anywhere else. Maybe in a good and proper mushroom journey, but by then you have already transcended so much of ordinary reality, hardly anything matters like it did before. Maybe intimacy is life, everywhere all around us, only in various forms and kinds. Maybe obsessing over one specific kind is to deny and throw shade over all the rest. hmm.
@@MementoX1013 I really like that though and would so so like to feel that way! , But I always feel like the other things would be a cheap replacement of romantic love, what can I do? :(
I was like you, than I had a few relationships and I can tell you if the moments comes for you it will be greatly underwhelming
It's not a fear of being alone. It's about having someone to share ideas with...someone to call on the phone who cares to hear from me...I love being alone. But it would be nice to get a call from someone who asks how I'm doing.
Maxine, I understand. Being connected to others is important and learning how to work with ourselves is equally so. It is a both/and, not either/or as it often feels like for so many people.
I've reached a stage at almost 60, where I'm comfortable with the idea of living the rest of my life without a partner. I enjoy my own company and the freedom to do as I please. In fact, the loneliest times in my life have been during relationships. The men in those relationships were emotionally unavailable. They lacked the love, warmth, respect, compassion and empathy I need in a romantic relationship. I stayed because I didn't have enough love and compassion for myself. Now I do. So unless I meet someone with those qualities who makes me feel special and loved, I'd rather be single and surround myself with great friends who love me just for being me.
Purelove yes!!!! All this!
Great quote !
Amen!
Sadly, many men demonstrate those qualities initially, emotionally gluing you to them. Then, they slowly but surely emotionally withdraw.
@@stephaniep1761Yea but the reality is, the woman gets bored with that kind of life with being with a simp. The yes mam, pleaser kind and the type that puts her on a pedestal... Because they don't know what they want? They will find fun and excitement from a coworker or a male friend that is an orbiter. The woman cheats and it's the man's fault for seducing her. The female cheater will not own up to her mistake and blame her partner for not being a man and showing her his strength. Not all those fantasy love story movie act doesn't work to keep a woman happy. The woman needs a rock to keep her on her toes and safe. She then will not think of jumping to the next branch...!🤯🤦♂️🤔
I am healing from an abusive relationship. It lasted a total of 42Yrs. Almost MY who life. Being single has taught me how to be ME!! I have learned that the peace and quiet is so splendid l am at peace with ME! If l am alone for the rest of my life it is well with my soul. I LOVE ME!!! Alone 💕 thank you Alan💪🏼
At Christ in the Desert Monastery by Morgan Farley
Red rocks, round moon
come be my witnesses
tonight I marry myself
here in this silence
where three deer stood still for me
I join one hand to the other in simple love
as I place the ring on my finger
moon says, marry your own fullness
rocks say, only that endures
no witnesses
but these
no family in rented formal clothes
midnight the moon
burgeoning with light
spilling her radiance everywhere
I come home to
myself here
prodigal refugee lost child
I marry
the woman I am
ripe and tender and full of juice
oh I am the one
I have been waiting for
with such patient longing
this bride
cannot be bought
at any price
her hand is given
into the keeping
of her own steadfast heart
+Alan Robarge
Beautiful.
Shirley excellent!!!! Love your enthusiasm and embracement of YOU!
Alan Robarge ..that was a great choice of poem. Thank you.
Wow, amazing, and absolutely beautiful poem... still coming to terms with it all though...lots of facing up to, & grieving to do. Still not quite ready to accept & let go of my old, warped ideas, & sad for so many wasted years chasing 'the dream'... It really helps to have these videos & everyone's helpful comments... maybe there's a better future... Thanks
There is no greater loneliness than to be lonely in couple. Being with yourself can be more fullfiling than with somebody ho gives you cold schoulder.
But then again, there is no greater fullfilment than to be with someone you truly love, respect and care for. This is on the other side of spectrum
@@ValleysOfSaturn I agree, conditionally. That only works if someone you truly love, respect and care for also truly loves, respects and cares for you, as well.
Angelina Seleshi so true!
@@ValleysOfSaturn exactly my thoughts; people are social beings, we need other people. That's ironically why its so hard for the sensitive among us to cut off ties to abusive people, especially when we risk loneliness (seemingly going back to abusive abandonment we came from before we 'found' the abusive person we're with now). but while Robarge is awesome at nailing sooo many issues with being abused and how to cut that off, the other side of the coin that we should get back to AFTERWARD is how to healthily BE with people. healthy people, which we probably feel we can't, because we're so messed up, how could that ever work? so we look for abusers, that 'suits' us. I'd like to change that.
@@mattlehnardt8035 yeah but you dont need a romantic relationship for that. I'm single but I have tons of friends and family who make me happy even when I'm on my death bed I know they will be there for me.
at 67, still a male virgin, and never had a gf, nothing I did worked to find a partner , you can still be happy and successful as a single person
Thanks for your comment and for sharing your experience.
I wish you had a different experience
@@lmiller1413what is this supposed to mean?
A man was digging in the trash to find food behind my place.. he waved at me when I looked out the window. We all have problems but this man that waved is starving & hungry no food. Have to be grateful for what we do have I feel.. a bed, a place to live, etc..etc..
That's a beautiful thought
At church last Saturday our minister made this great analogy. .he said at times people look at life like it's a donut. ..they spend all their time focusing on what they don't have (the donut whole. .what is missing ) forgetting to be grateful and thankful for what they do have ...the donut itself. .I'm guilty of this to .
Amen!
I always look for somebody else more miserable than me to elevate my self steam too
@@sweetliliane Wow, are you a Transexual?
From the age of 27 years, I've had crappy, unhealthy relationships. I had serious abandonment issues, PTSD, rape etc cos of an abusive childhood. I've gradually healed from it, I'm now 48 years old. I've also had a tough adult life, with no support, loneliness, rejection etc. All my life, I was forced to be a caretaker. I grew up surrounded by Narcissists in my family. I've come to some sort of peace n acceptance that I may be alone for the rest of my life. I'm ok with this idea now. I've been forced to live with some very abusive family members. I'd rather live alone than be with someone who hurts me. I'm recovering from Codependency, contented with the fact I may live alone, be the best person as I could possibly be so when I meet my maker, I am able to stand and rejoice that at least I have healed and found my true self.
StarlightnDus❤❤❤❤
voteformeg Aaw, thank you! What a lovely, unexpected response. :-). Thank you, sweetie. X.
💖
A Ö 😘 so humbling to receive your loving response. Thank you, sweetie, it's reassuring that there are very compassionate people like you in the world. X.
We'll I'm sorry to hear that dear :(
Building a relationship is such an investment in time, adaptation and patience, that when in the end you realize the person just wasn't right, you need to ask yourself is it worth going through again. Being alone is freedom from all of this.
You just did it wrong. If it was tine consuming and needed patience and work then it was the wrong partner from the beginning and you should have just moved on
Sure but I still think it's worth it. There are feelinga and experiences that are hard to replicate without a partner. It can be exciting, fulfilling, a chance to learn and grow, to practice compassion and giving and patience... but yes almost always also a source of frustration or pain at least in moments.
@@vitorfernandes651 all relationships are time consuming and take work. That's not a bad thing.
@video for cats - couldn't agree more 👌
@@vitorfernandes651 Long term relationships require "patience" and "work". It's worth it if your partner will meet you halfway. If not, that's when you should throw in the towel.
Solitude can be a beautiful thing. I was coupled for decades. Now I am single and there really is no difference in happiness. It's a lot like money. Money doesn't make you happy. Neither does a relationship. We have been brainwashed into thinking we need to have these things. We don't. We are just fine and enough all by ourselves.
Yes! Anthony de Mello talks about this quite a bit around attachments
💯💯💯
is it really? i am so terrify of being alone. how old are you?
@@mitch5222 What stems that loneliness?
@@elitecoder955 i dont know. Thanks
I’m ok with being alone for the rest of my life. I find myself feeling the opposite. I don’t feel safe in relationships.
I don't feel safe in relationships either
Same
Same
same
same bc I've been abused and cheated on and left.
So I am an attractive, positive female who keeps myself in shape. Have been single for over 10 years. The few boyfriends that I have had were all in relationships while dating me, or the guys that hit on me and we exchange numbers ghost me or stand me up. I was always made to feel like something is wrong with me by my family and even strangers. After being depressed for years about it. I have learned to just enjoy my life and have no expectations of being in a relationship with anyone. Now I am working on building the life I want. I have moaned the narrative of being married and having kids. It's is very powerful to let go of feeling defective for not being in a relationship. Powerful video!
💛 Thankyou for sharing. My story is very similar.
Same here.
Wow, I could have written this, pretty much word for word. O grew up feeling like I didn't deserve to be happy and felt extremely alone in my family of origin.
Same story here. Thank you.
Same here, too. I always said to myself to help that thought of being alone or dieing alone, "at least I'm not suffering like those people that are stuck with that wrong person"
All I've explained in relationships we're lieing, fake, cheaters that were not there anyway. They we're only there for sex, or useing me until I finally dumpted them. So, I really don't believe those ones that are "secure" in what we see as a "perfect couple" are really happy. They are probably wondering if they are going to ever find that "perfect person" even still in that relationship.
I come back to this video every few months when I feel this primal panic about being alone forever. It’s soothes me like nothing else does. I am so grateful for Alan and his wisdom. As I fold laundry by myself late on a Friday night, I am OK with my reality. Whatever is to be for me, it will be OK..
Thanks for feedback and for valuing my work. It's helpful that you've let me know this content is soothing. Glad you are receiving benefit. It's so important that we keep talking about primal panic and self-soothing. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with others who may benefit. Help me spread the word.
😂😂😂😂 smoke some wee man. All your panic goes away n you can focus on Bitcoin
Not to go in a different direction, but once my hormone levels plummeted, I simply didn't care anymore. This blows my mind because it indicates that my whole life has been controlled by my stupid hormones! That's not an excuse NOT to do my own inner work, and I am doing it, but I feel so FREE now! Finding a man is no longer this big important thing that I have to do. I'm free at last!
This happened to me too!! Stupid hormones, Don't miss them at all! Wish I never had them and so freeing in every way without them!
Yup it was makes the human race move forward and reproduce. It really does only come down to biology.
Love it
@Linda Harrison But do you miss the accompanying of a man? Or do you have it, you just don’t stress about being married to him?
I ask because I have never been married and I’m close to 50. I would like to think I could carry on just having an companion with no expectations of getting married but I’ve lived my life like this already. I’m over those types of arrangements. This video was very harsh and I’m trying to cope with this reality and figure out what I’m going to do with this life.
Interesting...i had that feeling of being free and in the clear once i had my son...
my husband left when I was 47. I'm now 57 and have never gone on one date since he left and I can assure you I WILL be alone for the rest of my life. By design.
@It ́s not what you think I am now 60 and nothing has changed. I have many hobbies.
@It ́s not what you think I guess that is true...we can't predict the future.
@It ́s not what you think the difference is: You can't always choose in favor of a relationship, but you can surely choose to go without.
The first choice involves two people, the latter only you.
I know I will be alone for the remainder of my life and I'm fine with it. I've lived long enough to have been through marriage, crazy relationships, drama etc etc. I'm 54 yrs old now. I am not interested in dating or a partner. I absolutely love my life (freedom). There's nothing to miss. The ONLY thing I get concerned about at times is praying my health will always be good enough and I will never need help.
I agree with everything you say. I am 62 and it's not having anyone to help me that scares me. Other than that, I'm better off being alone, and happier
@Ronda E Have you really been thoiugh crazy relationship? and when did you get this feeling of being fine with living alone ?
I've been single for 4 years now. I actually don't want another relationship. Bachelor life is not bad at all. No cheating. No arguments. No drama. I come home to peace and quiet. I get enough "family life" from the neighbors next door and that damn trampoline.
That trampoline intrigues me
You sound nice.
I find your comment so funny !
Totally agree with you. I've been emotionally cheated on so many times.... And even in front of me. Neglected, ignored etc.... Full of pain all because I love him and tolerating all the dynamics..... Maybe being alone is actually better...
Lol
I was married for 10 years & I’ve been single for the past 5 years. I’m waaaaaaay happier being single & I’m more than ok with being alone forever 👍🏼
Still single?
@@janco333 Yup.
i am alone for 7 years now an i am not afraid anymore to be alone for the rest of my live
🙂👍
I’ve learned to get to the point where I embrace being alone. I’m 50 and have been alone for so long now that I don’t think I would be able to handle the constant stress and issues that come with relationships.
I hear you. I can understand where you're coming from. Many of us can relate with struggling with relationship stress. Thanks for commenting.
I'm wondering if you've heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. There are folks who have similar views. You may like joining in on our conversations:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
I like being alone, it’s being in a relationship that unsettles me.
At 48, I'm realizing that just because you did the right thing and cut off that bad relationship, this does not guarantee that the empty space that you've now made available for the right person will ever be occupied. Sometimes I feel punished for doing the hard and right thing. Not many people are brave enough to cut ties and be willing to wait with empty hands.
Thank you for your meaningful reflections and for sharing your experience. I hear you. Many of us are learning how to navigate the empty space as well.
This comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Tough pill to swallow.
I can say outwardly that I'm ok with being single and lonely forever, but deep down in my heart and core, I'm dying. This is one of the toughest black pills for me to deal with.
I hear you. Empathy to you. If you're interested in learning new relating skills take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz By understanding the different self-protective behaviors we have around emotional closeness we can practice trying things differently. Thanks for responding.
I am ok with being alone for most of time but I don’t have a lot of friends living in the same city. And my friends have their own families. They don’t have time to meet me or talk to me. This is getting more significant when we get older.
I can relate ♥️
@@makoaquest7756 me too x
One of two things always happens to me.
1. I'll meet somebody and feel an attraction so I'll go for it of the bat......and be rejected.
2. I'll take it slow, get to know them and develop the connection until a point comes when that 'next step' comes........then be rejected.
Once I gave up........I was able to fill that hole with other things.
Edd25164605 same
Thank u for this comment
Wow this is so me, how were you able to fill that hole?
I spent more time with the family & friend, took up Guitar, gave my house a serious makeover.
Mostly I'll relax and try to just take things easy.
That and I spoil myself rotten every chance i get!. A little retail therapy always helps!
Yeah I experienced that. I read a lot of books and apparently, it's called a social dysfunction. Some people say it's because you lack the ability to flirt. I find it strange that when you're in a relationship or divorced, it's no longer called a social dysfunction but rather they try to "heal" you to accept your failures and to move on. But when a person cannot even get into an initial relationship that it is somehow a serious problem but the so-called "social" solution they give is one that doesn't make sense other than to keep trying, even with failure. After 20+ years of this, I really want to give up but know that with me being 40 I might soon not even be able to do that any longer.
i see a lot of couples who look very depressing together (i don,t want to be like them)
I see a lot of couples who are happy and live fulfilling relationships.
It's these guys that bring you to depression, not the bad examples.
Because you can see that it can be good, and you are not living that reality.
the generous child yes!!!! Whenever I allow my brain to get twisted I realistically examine other friend’s situations and reinforce that I am the lucky one!!!
I’ve been trying to be positive for years. Both of my parents have either been divorced 4 times or married 4 times. My dad going on #4 marriage 6 months ago. I’ve never really had a belief in a relationship or marriage. My whole family on my moms side and my dads side is cursed too. You may think I don’t sound positive but I still am. I don’t care anymore about finding anyone. All I’ve seen from family or friend’s relationships/marriages is pain and hurt and SELFISHNESS! I am so tired of how selfish people are.
I quit looking for love. I want to focus on myself and take care of the damages that have been with me for years and years I never knew about.
Chuck Adams I agree about the selfishness. My experience and observation, in many cases, is that at least one person fails the relationship from selfishness. This is not in every situation, but I would venture to say most often.
@@SouthernCal1317 I understand you! It's weird how it shapes our mind. I was telling my sister about my ex family
"You know they are like normal people that marry and stay together"
She started laughing and it took me a while that I have to make the distinction.
His family have fewer divorces
While my family has few couples that stayed together. And he couldn't understand my fear of marriage... even living with him.
I haven't lived with a guy yet.
It will have to take a looooot for me to step out of my bubble.
I've seen some of my family members being wronged by their partners
As well as some being the mean/cheater ones.
I dont think they meant to have a shitty relationship, but they fail to put effort, trust, respect on it.
I don't like my family. I'm not a social person. I have 1 friend that I talk to a couple of times a year. I've been divorced for 20 years and raised 2 kids alone. I've tried the friendship, community, family path. Hate it! Too much drama! I'm human. I need companionship and sex. I've done the whole alone thing and not caring if I ever find someone else. I'm not afraid to be alone. I just no longer see why I should be alone.
Speak for yourself, Elizabeth. You're not C Prime, she listed what she needs perfectly clearly. If the Ace lifestyle is easy for you, then gratz. Your reply is the opposite of compassionate mirroring, IMO.
It's better to be alone than to wish you were
My own terrible marriage made that abundantly clear.
That's a good one
True. There are so many things a lot worse.
Not really. If the relationship doesn't work. Just break up. Easy. I'd rather try. Unfortunately looks are 90% of the attraction therefore I'm in bad luck so I just accepted this reality.
That’s me I wish I was alone all the time every day
Male 38 and have always been single. Never been in a relationship or been in love but have made peace with being alone and finding acceptance the older I've got. In many ways it's refreshing to live a life free of expectations and social constructs such as relationships, marriage and having children. Focusing on myself, work, hobbies and interests. I've learnt to embrace it! 😎
Thanks for the meaningful comment and for sharing your experience. Glad this connected for you.
Did you try to find relationships or did it just not work out for you?
@@livedeliciously I've tried many times over the years without much success.
@@adrianace1725 Do you have any underlying conditions? Depression? Social anxiety? Autism?
@@livedeliciously I don't get depression or social anxiety all that much. I've always suspected I maybe on the autism spectrum. I certainly have traits of it.
Thank you! I have been divorced 22 years, and tried the dating scene several years, met lots of creeps, some loosers, and lots of players. It was in the end a good experience as it really, really taught me to be grateful that I am alone, or should I say that I choose to "be on my own".
I got divorced at 37. I was so excited to date and just knew my partner was around the corner and someday soon we would meet. However, I’ve been on hundreds of dates and never did find the one.
Now, I’m 50 and I’ve been grieving the loss of not finding that person. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. But at this point I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may be alone for the rest of my life. So now I’m turning my attention to ok, how do I make my single life as rich and meaningful as I can.
That's great how you are turning your attention on how to make life rich and meaningful. I'm glad this video sparked some reflection for you. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this content. I created the online community, Improve Your Relationships, and 8-week program to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress.
The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits even if we're single.
The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program.
Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question.
Please consider joining us!
www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you so much for your reply. I will look into it.
As someone incapable of relationships, I found this very useful.
Born alone, die alone. You can join parties along the way but it truly is a single player game.
I'm 40, realised I'll be alone for the rest of my life when I wasn't prepared to fake it to keep friends and boyfriends. All my past relationships last weeks 😂 I've felt alone since I was a child. Didn't feel like I fitted in anywhere.
Thanks for sharing. I look very normal, even very attractive in the outside, but I've always felt different.
Staying alone is the worst fear that I have ever felt, and I wake up with it and go to sleep with it. Soon I will turn 39, and in over 11 years I just couldn't find a girlfriend. And nothing points out that it will happen, no signs at all, eventhough I pray day and night for it.
There is nothing good and beautiful in staying alone until your last breath. It's just a torment.
Living a unfulfilled life with your mind as your only companion, when you return home after a job.
No exchange, no mutual growth, no reflection, no mirror, no passion and love. It's the worst possible sentence someone can get. Oh, actually the only one that is worse, is if you are together with a completely non-compatible person for yourself.
I feel you on everything you said. What's worse is when you have friends and family telling you, you need to married you can't stay single forever
I know exactly how you feel.
All my siblings are married with kids.
My friends are all pairing up......and then there is me.
You've been brainwashed by media. No one needs no one to be happy. The world has an infinite things for us to enjoy. Do some travel, join a band or the gym. Start some sport, spend more time with your family and friends etc
I'm 36 and have no time for dating. In fact if I married and had kids I'd have to quit some of my hobbies which would be bad
@@Edd25164605 yeah me too. And they envy me because I have time for gym and sleep and play games etc never forget that other people are putting on a show. 50% will divorce and 25% will be in an unhappy relationship. And 100% would love to have more time.
Then from experience I know the stress when someone snores or takes up the bathroom or have to wake earlier than you or lines different foods or even different TV shows. Relationships are a huge compromise.
And kids are a great reason to live for, when they don't start ignoring you from teenage years and abandon you in a care home to get rid of you.
Not to mention the cost of children. Hundreds of thousands
@@Edd25164605 hi
I want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I tend to trust too easily, and wish for love only to be swiftly wounded and abandoned again and again.
People are just cruel and take advantage of the vulnerable without remorse.
24 male here. Thanks for the video. I am willing to accept that I will be alone forever. Knowing I don’t have the physical, mental, or emotional strength to get in a relationship or date, it’s time I accept it and focus my energy else where. Yes the feelings will always come back but overtime I will be able to stand more firm!
Thank you for the meaningful comment. I hear you about refocusing the energy.
Hi Thomas 24 is way too young to write yourself off with regard to romantic relationships
There is no greater loneliness than not knowing or being happy with yourself.
Introverts... Unite!
9 years by myself here. I have learned and healed so much in the past 12 months in very unanticipated ways. I am sure that a relationship would have prevented that from happening. I needed a heavy focus on my own health, free from the concerns (brainwashing) of conventional social conditioning.
My last relationship was abusive, exhausting and unhealthy. Walking away was a very difficult but very wise choice. As difficult as being single can be at times, it always holds up well compared to where i have come from. Peace and simplicity are wonderful things.
I'm always reminded of a quote from the series Band of Brothers, where one the soldiers tells another something along the lines of "in order to really do your job as a soldier, you have to accept that you're already dead". This makes sense to me and it's the same with all of us who fear being alone forever, whether we have had relationships that didn't work out, or have had no relationships at all. We have to ask ourselves this question: if by some miracle someone from the future told you this one fact about your future life: you will be "alone" (as in not in a romantic relationship) for the rest of your life, what would this mean for you? If you were convinced that this person was telling the truth, yes it would be perhaps devastating, but then we have a choice: either end our life here and now because we cannot accept this one fact we've been told about the future (we haven't been told anything else), or somehow integrate it into our being, and make the best life we can regardless.
Snakedogman, I appreciate your comment. Yes, we explore this idea often in the community. Many of us can relate. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Love your commentary
This is...heartbreaking and deep
It never gets easy to accept this. Even three years after I first watched this, I’m back to learn how to cope
Still can't accept it, just inches away from being done with all of it
Same
Same.
Same. You guys still have hope. You’re beautiful. Not much for me though.
I'm 61 and single . The idea that I will die alone eats at me . I know that we all." die alone " the point that upset me is that I will have come to the end of my existence without having found a long term healthy relationship with a woman . I can deal with " dieing alone " but I can't help mourn for the fulfilling life I envisioned but will never have..
All emotional pain comes from attempting to escape the reality. I did feel the wonderful liberating feeling when I completely surrender myself to all the possibilities of life. Suddenly I feel the joy that I have all the time and energy to read all the books I would like to read, all the places I would like to go, all the things I would like to do...This is the turning point, the key to release myself from my own prison.I know that there still will be many moments in my life when I will feel that frightening loneliness even I accept this fact. I will just feel it, not try to escape or fix that feeling because I know that Alan knows that feeling too. :)Your video builds an universal connection, so I am not the only lonely individual anymore, we are not the lonely individuals anymore. I start to feel the peaceful and joyful energy even from a tree or a grass.
What a wonderful tribute to yourself, my journey has only just begun. Thank you so much. Time to escape my own prison, as you so elequently pur it
Thank you for sharing!
In the narcissistic exploitive self entitlement generation, being alone does not sound like that bad idea at all. At this point I think it’s inevitable if you want to keep you sanity and peace of mind.
Yep that's how I see my generation these days
It’s the fact that we live in a world filled with people. Every aspect of life involves people. To not ever feel connect, accepted, included, protected is devastating to one’s mental health & can effect there self image and self esteem. Because if it happens repeatedly that person will feel like well it must be something wrong with me. & then to see other people have family, friends, & romantic relationships & support systems it just further reinforces the the negative belief. It’s like what do they have that I don’t. Why am I not enough or worthy of the same things.
I hear and completely understand everything you are saying and how this feels and, admittedly, I often have these same thoughts and feelings, too. Yet, at the end of the day, it really does come down to whether my emotions or my logic (based on fact) is at play.
Here are 3 facts, at least as I see them. 1) greater than 50% of paired couples will divorce and those who do not cannot be assumed to be happy, fulfilled, not lonely or even not alone, either physically or emotionally; 2) we are conditioned, so extremely and in so many ways as a society, that our goal from the time we are old enough, should be to marry and settle down. Believe it or not, this is NOT the case in all cultures, and 3) Yes, we do live in a world filled with people, yet we only truly have physical access to a very small percentage of these people - consider this and it’s implications. We have to look at the true # of eligible people we have physical access to - based on geography, age, their own relationship status, gender, attraction/lack of attraction, things/outlooks in common, etc) and fairly quickly we realize that these factors are very much at play.
Wouldn’t it make more sense logically, not to mention be so much better for our mental health, if we were to thoroughly consider facts like these rather than take so much onto ourselves and default to the belief that there “must be something wrong with me”. NO ONE in this world is ‘less than’ simply because he or she is not romantically paired with another person. Believing so only denies us of so many other forms of connection, acceptance, inclusion and protection that exists for us. ♥️♥️♥️
I'm feeling that embracing this diffuses the "desperation" around feeling I need a partner, and ironically opens me up to the possibility of finding one.
this is exactly how I feel too. It takes the panic and desperation out of it, and in that,, there are possibilities. It isn't a craziness, scrambling for the life jacket of a partner.
Won’t work if you’re ugly
I actually enjoy being alone literally and wish to be left alone the rest of my life that’s how power I have built my life to not depend on that word we call love. I love myself.
I would like to be more like you. I've been alone most of my life already. I don't have friends or many family members left. I've never been married or have kids and I wonder all the time how my life would be if I found the right man for me and we both are in love with each other. I hate that my mind even thinks these thoughts. I know how to make myself happy on my own, I have to, but there's that part of me that still wonders what being in love feels like. I would like to be able to get rid if that thought.
@@mayphoenix4725 I'm so sorry I never saw your comment 😔one year after you wrote it I hope your OK and I wish you found love 💘
@@Oracles001 Thanks for replying back. I was almost in tears seeing your comment. I still haven't found love. It's hard to find friendship. I'm just trying to survive and get through life. I try to focus on what little I do have because I know there's people that have it worse. I help make others day brighter by helping other people so they feel cared for.
The best relationship to be in, is the one your not in!!!
Agreed
I think if someone told me I’d be alone for the rest of my life I’d be relieved. I’d stop trying, hoping and praying and finally accept it. I’d start to plan my life around that and not wonder “when are they coming? what’s taking so long?” I’d just be at peace. If people questioned why I was single I’d tell them that and not feeling insecure about it because it is what it is and I can’t change it. I’m not in control of life and if the long term relationship I had with my ex is all I’ll get to experience that’s okay too. I’ve had real love, the hand holding, the baseball game together, the highs and lows, so I’m not missing out. Been there done that. I’ll be okay. I’ll get a home by the beach and enjoy my limited time here. No more uncertainty of “the one”, no more dating apps or heartbreaks. Knowing it’ll never work out means I can save my energy and choose me. Thank you for this, right now I am single and I realize if that never changes I’ll be okay ❤️
Great insight. I see this video sparked reflection for you. Many can relate with deciphering these inner messages. It's so important to keep talking about how these relationship core beliefs impact us.
If you'd like to learn more about how these patterns happen automatically then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Exactly how I feel
I'm 40 years old and I have been single almost 10 years now. I'm attractive and employed full-time. Some people don't know why I can't find someone to marry me especially my female married co-workers. I have come to understand that people who don't agree with or understand my lifestyle choices have the problem not me. I have no family photo shoots to share on fakebook sorry! I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may be single the rest of my life and that is ok.
40 is alot of years, did you find someone
is it? i just realized ill be alone and i am freaking out. just that moment when u know ull be alone.
Really admire you for stepping out and being different! Being married is not mandatory. It’s a choice
@@jessicaferguson4072 Thank you. Unfortunately I still am met with unbelieving attitudes that I have never married. It's really disturbing how so many people are still stuck in the dark ages concerning their beliefs.
It's better to be alone than to be with someone that makes you wish you were alone
Of course it isn't. You can choose to be alone if you want. Being alone with no way out of loneliness is much worse
If your in a bad marriage, it's a rough go due to family court. If you elect to stay single, it's a rough go if your alone and you don't want to be.
36 virgin male, never had a hug, kiss, date. Never asked anyone out. Never had positive feedback that I might be considered likeable.
Kinda gave up hope of ever having a girl interested in me that I find attractive.
And I'm trying to find peace with the fact I wasted my youth as an opportunity to have few sexual experiences before ever entertaining a notion of settling down.
Sometimes I do struggle to motivate myself to lead a fulfilled loner life and see point of it all, than I snap out of it and for next few days feel great about my life and pursue my goals.
Then on some days I wake up, struggle to even get out of bed...feel deppressed for a day or two...snap out of it on the third day and I'm back to my old motivated myself...and the cycle continues.
I can continue on like this but the ups and downs are kinda annoying.
You deserve better. Ha e you ever considered working woth a coach? Many women are looking fir a woman who values her. There just could be 1 or 2 things that are getting in your way.
One of the best videos I've ever watched. Ah the freedom. The detachment from things working out the way we wanted them to. Ah the letting go. Thank you
Yess same
I've finally arrived I'm so into my alone time dating for over a year n the rendezvous n lies I've learned that I miss my alone time when I try ymto date
I've never dated anyone in my life. My reasons being that I never loved/liked anyone in a long time. Also I enjoy my own company, and that of my friends and large family. I've never felt any pressure to date.
🙂👍
I find that replacing "alone" with "on my own" is helpful.
This by far was the hardest thing I ever had to accept. One day I just accepted it. No anger, no bitterness or sadness. I'm not Buddhist but they talk about accepting things. Essentially it comes down to it just is. You just let go and accept it
Thanks for your reflection.
A fear much greater than being alone, for me, is being stuck with someone who is an ill-fit and worse!!! Dear God, never again!!!
I have never experienced being in a long term relationship, and so far have been alone for my entire adulthood. It has been the most excruciating debilitating pain year after year having no one to share my life with. No one to come home to, or be greeted with a hug. No one to be there for you when you’re sick. No one to share intimacy with. I cannot accept that aloneness is all there is to my life, it has been the most consistent thing in my life so far and I would give anything to not be in this place anymore. I have never been able to drop into a neutral observation or acceptance. I would cry myself to sleep for the rest of my life because I already have experienced aloneness my entire life thus far and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm not going to just date a guy I'm not interested in JUST to have somebody. I want to fall in love and they fall in love with me. I will just be alone until I meet the right one.
I know the feeling
I know the feeling
I know the feeling
Join the club. But I can one up it: meeting someone who provided that, but subsequently driving them away, and the realisation in the years since that they were a fluke, and this won't happen again. But of course, the loneliness was a well adjusted void, a pothole you managed to step around because you'd been used to it all your life before her. Afterwards, you can try, you can grow, you can get oh so many projects and aim for oh so many futures, heck even get laid a few times, but it's always going to be worse now. Because now it's a yawning chasm, and you know they're happier without you, and there's finally objective proof that there is something wrong with you, the loneliness was a feature of you, not an abnormality, you are broken and shitty and unattractive. Be glad you haven't had that revelation my friend. Enjoy the comfort of solitude my friend. Enjoy not having it proven to you. There will never be a going back
❤...gonna have to listen to this a few times over the next 40 years. ..I liked the part (gotta little choked up actually ) where he said "even if life doesn't deliver you the one type of relationship you expected, you still have lots of living to do and lots to invest in (family, friends community etc) ..much thanks ..very much needed to hear it.
John Gallagher me too, Dear One, me too.
I felt that too.there is a grief that has to happen, when we've been told all our lives that there's someone for everyone. And it just isn't our time yet. Maybe there isn't someone? And we are learning to be okay with that possibility. It's scary, but somehow, when said out loud, also less scary.
Felt that in my gut! But I faced it as you talked and its a reality that I am in. Being with me, to plan out this part of my life is exciting yet a little scary because its not part of my original blueprint. Life is what we make out of it. I say meet friends , take trips, help others, love the fatherless, write a blog, create a vlog, write a book! Do it with ease! Leave a legacy , then pass the torch! And, its ok to cry if needed! Thank you Dr. Alan.
This is beautiful and what I nedeed
I'm a caring and loving person who has a low tolerance for foolishness. Especially,, when lying and cheating are involved. I've been single by choice since 2011 and haven't looked back. I'm at peace and loving myself everyday without any emotional stress. I've come to accept that I may die alone. My mother on the other hand isn't too happy about it. I'm an only child and she'll never have any grandchildren. I told he after my father passed she should've married again and had more children. It would have increased her chances of being a grandmother.
I could have wrote this.... You sound exactly like me
To be honest, all my romantic relationships have been painful experiences!! I absolutely adore being around my friends though! I'd be so sad without them!
Thank you for saying it out loud. My identity is meant to be in me, not in my marital status. That frees me to be me, and if someone does show up, why not. But it's great to be me, and love me, and live to the fullest!
I told a co-worker about this very video and he literally recoiled in horror... I told him about my belief that I would not end up married with children, a wife, or even long-term girlfriend and how this video helps me accept it, and he was speechless... Some people are terrified at the prospect of being alone for the rest of their lives, and would prefer toxic positivity, i.e. "there's someone for everyone", than dip their to in the figurative pool of reality...
I hear you. So good to talk about this. Thanks for the comment.
I choose to be single, and absolutely love it. I can do what I want when I want, and can spend my money without guilt. The peace, tranquility and solitude in my life is truly blissful, no stress, no arguments or drama. I will be alone for the rest of my life, I do not need other people or a relationship. I think this will become a growing trend amongst men.
Thank you for the meaningful comment.
You know, it's highly natural and normal for men to be alone and single anyway. Loneliness and solitude represents men....
This helped a lot but I would miss the physical intimacy that accompanies being with someone I love.
@Catherine Shores usually the right person shows up. But people are so into looks that they just miss it altogether. Women are like that, the right one has to be tall, not bald, good job etc automatically half the guys are out. Maybe the shy guy in the corner was the right one with the same tastes and interests and could be a better father and more loyal.
@@vitorfernandes651 The idea of a "right one" is the problem, not where they look for that right one. I'm sorry you've experienced so much hurt.
@It ́s not what you think Absolutely! And let’s not pretend like men will go with the first woman they see, they have just as much of a standard “based on beauty” as women do if not more
@It ́s not what you think so true
For years I been researching how to accept my loneliness. Finally, Alan Robarge appears before me, like a superhero opening my eyes to see that my current status does not end Life for “Me! Its just getting started.
The manner in which you opened up a new perspective that it is permissible to be alone without a partner. Even when our culture tries to mold us to think we can’t or shouldn’t be alone. Irregardless, to our human make up and/or our survival instincts, beg us to differ, it makes a lot of sense.
When you candidly say, “you just might be alone for the rest of your life, so what now? Wow! That was all I needed to hear.
Rather than allow my lonely status paradox paralyze me, suppress or hinder my growth. I can take charge of my life and enjoy my freedom with no care in the world. Thank you for this new enlightenment.
So amazing!!! I loved reading this. Happy for you🖤🖤
I reached the age of 46 years old with never going out on a date, never had sex and never had friends. So to me being alone for the rest of my life is no big whoop like you said. I’m used to it. Even though I have no one in my life. I prefer it to stay that way until the day I die. I love my life the way it is. I do not need a girlfriend or sex to enjoy my life. Everybody in life is different. I even enjoy staying home days on days with never going out. Plus you know how the saying goes. If you never had it, you can never miss it. Also at this point of my life I find all that lovey-dovey stuff to be disgusting now that I’m getting older.
Life sucks I hate being here and being a human this whole living thing is just tiring and nothing more then a bunch of stupid bullshit.
@@willytrolls + I agree, it seems like some people are lucky in life. I feel like I just exist to suffer and everytime I try to do something to change things it backfires...it's like I'm not allowed to be happy.
@@mayphoenix4725 me 2
@@willytrolls I feel the exact same way.
@@oaklandsoldier5920 + I hope things get better for you! 🌻🌼💛🙂
Yes, well said: no empty platitudes. Some people will be alone for the rest of their lives. We need to work with that instead of lying to people and telling them that something good will happen
We're born alone, we die alone...FACT
I'm a twin and every time I hear that statement I wonder why it is stated as a fact. Many people are not born alone... FACT.
Why do people say this? I was born into the arms of loving parents and 6 children. I was held and comforted a lot.
@@honeybee6154 I don't think it means not having company. Technically you can only experience life through your own consciousness and when you are born, you are born into that singular consciousness and when you die, it's that which goes.
@@LK-un4st you seem to be confused with the statement "we are born alone, we die alone" the meaning of the statement is not about someone being born physically with you when you are born you don't know anyone else you're all alone in a new place even if you're a twin you get accustomed to everyone around, the same thing happens when you die even if a bunch of people die alongside you you're going to experience your death alone youre stepping into the unknown alone even if a 1000 people present at your deathbed
Life may not deliver and meet you in the way you hoped it would but by the grace of the universe you're still here 🥰 live with what you have...there are many ways to live the life you were given 💕 you are the one you seek...you are the special one
Julie, Glad this resonates.
Everybody is already alone. There’s no guarantee your kids will take care of you, there’s no guarantee your spouse will stay with you. Best thing to learn how to do is adapt and move on to the next if you want companionship, but set some savings aside for your elder years and stay as healthy as you can so you can take care of yourself. There. Saved you years of therapy.
A pet will help too.
this for everybody
"It doesn't have to be a tragedy "
Love it! ☝🏽
glad it connects
I had no problem with the point of being alone,it was others trying to make me feel there was something wrong with being alone,ironically it was in same conversations when they're complaining about their relationships,or,them trying to use me as their wingman to cheat 😄🥴🤷🏿♂
You make a good point on how sometimes being single is perceived as there is something wrong. Glad the video sparked these reflections for you. If you like this video then you may also want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I don't think I'm wired for marriage and all that. Been alone for years. Continuing alone-just another day at the office.
Thank you so much, I ready really needed to hear this!! Everyone is just bullshiting us about soulmates and twin flames and shit, but you just said it as it is!
And yep "it is okay if you are alone forever!" 💛 I really hope I can get to that mindset and just enjoy myself in any way.
My aunt/grandmother (the sister of my grandma) was "alone" all her life and she looks so happy and fulfilled. :')
my parents have been married for over 50 years.
they didn't enjoy a second of it.
my sister is harassed by endless demands because she had too many children and not enough money. she spends way too much time kicking her husband out the door so he wins some bread.
the worthwhile partner is one who will take me as i am, and i them. remember, this is a two-way street. i don't settle for second best. either the relationship is worth it or not. if that partner shows up, cool. if not, that's fine too. it's like winning the lottery, really. if you're gonna play, it better be low stakes.
Thanks & good job. I agree that acceptance is one option. I've been trying to embrace the idea that I will be single for life. Society isn't set up for this. Staying single is a form of rebellion and it is somewhat punished.
I’ve been single for 20 years, most of the time I’m fine and strong and fulfilled but there are times I need companionship, I need closeness with someone, someone to listen to me and not always be that to myself all the time…I miss that deeper connection with another person. Friendships don’t fulfil in the same way. It’s ok to want something more, to want deeper connection
I agree. Not everyone sees value in romantic relationships, and that’s fine, but a lot of us do. We crave true love with someone that we connect deeply with. I’ve been going through a rough patch in my relationship, and it’s hard seeing a bunch of people speak about love like it’s the plague. No one should ever feel stupid or ashamed for wanting true love.
Romantic Love is Only For Youth, You must be middle age Woman, i mean You Should Now. Be Mature please Love is social Construction
The thing i really appreciate about this video (apart from the catchy title) is just the sheer honesty. Who else openly broaches the subject? It is considered almost a taboo. Alan's straight-on acknowledgement of the possibility of being alone forever is so refreshing. Ive never heard or read anyone who so honestly faced the subject. Im 65 now, single for life. I'm a successful single in terms if being content and happy. The only thing that has changed is the wondering how I'll manage my final years
I appreciate the feedback. Glad you connected with this video and thank you for valuing my effort.
Since you like this video you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
A fortune teller once told me that couples come in for readings and go in separately. Each asking about other people. Interesting or what!!!!. I never forgot that. I adore really adore being single. I no longer do fantasy, illusions which so called romantic relationships are. I know, l see, and am grateful.
I’ve just had some crazy jealous, controlling sexually abusive relationships that I’m actually terrified of men now. I’d much rather be alone. I’d much rather never be hurt and lied to again.
My 82 years old female co worker lives alone for 30 years since her divorce. She is truly blessed with her physical appearance and health, she drives, able to work and volunteer every where she can... to stay occupied and with people.... It's wonderful, yet it's sad to feel the loneliness she tries to hide.
All things including relationships and life itself are impermanent.
how its sad as grow older , you dont to hide loneliness beacuse its okay to be alone .
I LOVE being ALONE!!!! SOO MUCH BETTER IN MANY WAYS!!
You are so straightforward and to the point. I appreciate your unique style and honesty
Im slowly releasing resistance to being alone. Thank u💌
so, I'm not so afraid that I'll never have a relationship again. I'm afraid I won't have sex again!
Misty jenkins yes so true
@Catherine Shores what sort of alternatives? Dildos? 😀
@Catherine Shores oh Catherine. You hit the nail on the head. It feels like death when the bonding hormone builds up and "he" is "unavailable". I just dive back into myself and try to glow again.
But staying away from the possibility of a relationship is tough though. The emotions, the physical touch, the endorphins and of course the deliciousness of "the thrust" (the idea that it might be that good) always seduces me back into giving it another go. Sigh.
Misty jenkins email me
@Catherine Shores No need to take the moral high road - I enjoyed Ufo Ufo's honest and very eloquently worded sentiment - we all have different ways of coping.
At 11.18 when hes rattling off other things to invest in
... a voice in my head said
.. cats or rescue dogs.
I have listened to a lot of Alan’s videos and normally i can totally relate to them. But this one i cant. I feel so much fear when thinking im going to be alone forever. I know i have issues and am trying to work on them. Im trying to build up to joining his group. But i feel such an absolute failure for not being able to have a relationship and also at never being married (im 54). I also have no children (im female). There is a wave of panic that i can feel literally flowing all around me, when i think im always going to be alone.
I'm 58. I've been married (and divorced) twice. I've got 2 grown daughters. From my perspective, marriage and kids are overrated. It's what society expects of us, though. We're conditioned to believe that we're a "failure" if we don't accomplish this and manage to make it work somehow. I've decided that I wasn't meant to live a "conventional" lifestyle. That's my current "spin" on the situation that I find myself in, and I'm okay with that. I hope you find what you're looking for, or manage to make peace with it, if you don't. 💙
same
No other relationship gives you the same love, nurturing, intimacy and security, the skin to skin. When you haven't had it, then you have, it is eye opening.
But for some people, that's simply out of reach.
actually , the older i get , the less i like being around other people. i am 62 and have been alone all my life . i have worked at the same job for nearly 38 years . around women and men all day long . i found out early , i enjoy the peace and quiet , without having to deal with a wife and kids , 24/7 . i have my own house , workshop , hobbies and land to keep me sane . i never sought out a mate , or companion. or marriage . certainly never brought a female around my family , because i knew they would bond , and then i would never get shed of her. if i want to be around people , can go around relatives .
Alan, you are a GENIUS. And I love you. Wanna go out??? Just kidding that was an attachment trauma joke. I really appreciate your honesty and learn so much from your videos. Thankyou.
My decade long relationship ended and I honestly thought he felt the same as I did but it turns out he didn’t. I am hurt as he has been the only person ever in my life where I felt both whole, safe and attracted to. I don’t want to be possessive so I’m letting him decide what’s best for him.
In the end, I feel the fear of being alone, not because I don’t think I can find a partner but that I honestly feel I am leaning towards asexual in general, my last bf was my only exception; and I accept the fact that may mean living and dying alone for the rest of my life.
I’m an extreme introvert. I really hate it when people say stuff like it won’t be forever, you’ll find someone who matches with you. There is someone for everyone 🙄 But I want to be honest with myself that I may just very well be alone for the rest my life. I really needed to hear this message so thank you for making this video about viewing this from a neutral perspective
I think the reason why so many people prefer being in relationships, even toxic and lonely ones, is because as children if we felt or experienced loneliness, isolation and rejection, being in a relationship is proof to a cruel world, who sent us the painful message that we aren't loveable as we are, celebrated as we are and safe, that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE loves us. Even if, our partners don't deeply love us, keep us safe or are even kind to us. Our fear is that we aren't loveable as we are, so we would rather be in relationships where we aren't necessarily loved ( thus becoming toxic) because it's hauntingly familiar to that traumatic sense of "I'm not loveable" that we may have accepted as a children. We want to be loved but feel like its deserved for others. I've been in relationships not because I was really happy with them, but because being alone with loneliness was a lot scarier than being in a relationship and feeling that empty sense of loneliness.
Ive got a dog so I never feel alone. My Yorkie is a magnet to engage in conversation with others. If you want a friend show yourself to be friendly and open. Other people sense this.
True. Its just not the life i wish to live. But it is what it is. Idk why. It sucks. All we can do is wait for it to pass
Never thought of that, I've never felt connected to my peers plus I was rejected and bullied as a kid and as a teen, even as an adult. 🤔 Well that sucks.
Same here
Every time I fell sad about being alone I rewatch this video and it makes me feel a little bit better
Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad to hear this video is helpful for you. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz