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Limerence and self-acceptance
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
- Disclaimer: Just my opinions. RUclips is not therapy, nuance is everything.
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Hi I’m Marios, on this channel we talk about psychology. I'm soon starting my doctorate degree in counselling psychology in London.
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Disclaimer: On the channel we discuss themes relating to psychology and mental health, but it is not advice and if you need support including mental or medical attention please seek support from a licensed professional.
#limerence #obsession #heartbreak
tags: limerence, obsessive love, obsession, love, why can't I stop thinking about them, psychology, personal development, limerence help, limerence cure, limerence vs love, limerence abandonment, limerence addiction, limerence intrusive thoughts
If you need help with limerence: unfoldinglimerence.com
Thanks for the link. I shall look later, and I follow your YT videos. As I said I have had platonic limerence over a man who died in 2006. He was an old work colleague.
When people ask me about my past relationships, and I have to tell them that all of them were imaginary.
I know what you mean!
Sweet Jesus so true
Yes, all in your head. so sad to realize this.😢😢
Im so exhausted.
Me too. Limerence is so draining and all consuming. My self esteem has taken another nose dive and I’ve gained weight in the last year since the Limerence began summer 2022.
I'm too
😢
He seats next to me in class
And I can't breathe when he is around
I feel you ...
My problem with the LOs I have been in limerence with is that 1. it was them that made the first move introducing themselves to me, showing interest in my interests. It's tough when you are just being yourself and someone approaches you and you wonder if they are making moves hitting on your, or just want something else from you??? 2. They were very good looking in my opinion, my "types" for sure. 3. There was always sexual attraction from me. 4. They were never people I did not get to know at least somewhat (no famous people fantasies, or total strangers).
So these were some very interesting people (at least on the surface), good looking, sexy, smart educated, and fun. These were not malignant narcistic a-holes. This makes it even tougher to let go of them. The most recent one whom I am still in L with, I am seeing less and less of and trying to find faults in - to bring me out of it. Since everyone has faults, I should be able to crash the fantasy image if I keep trying. I know that only 1/2 of my emails or text comments get responses. And that the responses take too long to arrive, this should tell me that I put more into it that they do, and that is a good red flag.
I don't know if what I'm about to say to you is helpful, but I'm ending a L experience, and the most significant progress I ever made about getting truly over it was understanding that the person, my LO, just didn't like me back and that's it. I mean, the LO doesn't need to have flaws - at least they don't need to show it to us, the limerent persons -, we are the ones who has to simply comprehend the fact that they were not or are not into us, so there's no flaws for us to accept.
The detail of not seeing the "bad parts" of the LO really is a problem associated with the limerence, but the center of the whole L experience is: not being corresponded. It doesn't matter if the LO are the perfect soulmate to us, because if they ever feel some kind of romantic feeling for us, the limerence just… isn't limerence anymore. So, maybe could work as well for you: remember that you, unfortunately, are not making the other person feel the "love" you think you feel for them. And, actually, you are not experiecing any kind of good feeling. It's just an escape. Try to make true connections with people and remember you are worthy of living the real love and romantic situations, but you need to get down here in the earth with all the real people that you could connect with.
A person can try out if you might be relationship material, they can flirt. And if you are vulnerable to having limerent episodes you are likely to misinterpret lively friendly interactions to mean more. It is not wrong to have a crush on someone. But if you hurt from an imagined conncetion and when you stay attached to them, when they obviously moved on or were not interested to begin with.
This is perfect! Exactly what I'm going through. Good advice here, and good advice below as well!
@acmita thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, it provided me with many insights.
@@acmita I'm actually hopeful that a friendship can be salvaged out of it. Like there is a possible connection there, just not romantic or sexual. And I was experiencing "good feelings" of having someone interested in my interests. I don't want to toss out the potential friendship just because the "soul mate closeness" (LOL) is not there at all.
Gosh, that was the most loaded sounding sigh at the beginning of the video.
I'm in my 60s and have experienced limerence several times in my life. Of course when I was younger there wasn't any information about or knowledge of limerence as a state of being. I thought I was deeply in love. They were painful experiences. I'm also a gay male demisexual which is I don't feel sexual attraction to another man without a strong romantic bond. Without that I'm asexual. So the limerent object became the man I imagined could release my sexual persona and I'd finally be a complete person and experience a "normal" romantic relationship. Now, with a better understanding of my sexuality I accept myself and overall feel at peace with my past and my present.
Interesting that you say limerence REQUIRES distance. I have always defined love as longing.
Wow, me too, good to know that I am not alone in this.
Yes longing is for the DISTANT object or person. If you have it nearby and CAN have it longing isn't necessary. Only if there are obstacles or there is insecurity there will be longing. Distance does not only mean they do not live close to you. Distance as in not in reach. That can be the work collegue that is married or just not interested.
Longing can be a sentimental feeling and (as long as there is a bit of hope) it can feel good. In medieval times they had a whole artform around longing. In German it is called Minne. Travelling singers that visited the households of gentry and aristrocrats (mansions, castles) and laid their heart to the feet of the adored female. Which they praised in song, and those songs were performed not only there.
It was understood they would never try to have sex with the object of their longing. It was the distant praise, the glorifying of a women out of reach. The husbands gladly tolerated that (and supported the artists with money etc.). It was also good for their ego to have a spouse that inspired such love, longing, praise and music - and it never got real.
Love that can and does lead to a close relationship will not inspire a lot of "longing". And if a person loves deeply but it is not possible to be with the person they adore "normal" love will eventually fade. With limerence the uncertainty and unavailability strenghtens the attachment instead of leading to "giving up". Giving up then can (after a phase of grief) lead to trying to find another beloved (which might work out next time).
As with other addictions: unpredictibable occasional intense rewards strengthen the addiction. The rewards would be seeing the Limerent Object, even the small rewards of following them on social media. A bigger reward could be them having a friendly interaction (they might be totally unaware that the other person has this obsessive crush on them). If it can inspire hope (even if an objective person would say they were only polite, friendly and unaware) - it is going to supply a big dose of dopamin for the reward center in the brain.
It is called hopamin or hopium for a reason.
Whereas normal even intense unfullfilled (!) love will fade after a phase of mourning, and the person will be open for another love / relationship. So longing will not last all too long if it is healthy love. Grieving includes accepting the lossso that pretty much ends longing, at least the intense longing that hurts the most and keeps a person "chained" to an unavailable beloved.
Losing a partner after having had a relationship is another thing.
The interesting thing about limerence: the person that is obsessed does not know the adored person long, but they are chained to a completely virtual "relationship" (and often put their love love life on hold) or they are willing to upend their life for the new "love".
@@franziskani yes, their is a sense of class around their lives which we can't emulate because every song every memory suddenly glorifies their existence and keep us lonely and at the same time adoring such a majesty feeling.
I am in so much pain I am breaking.
please hold on, you are worth it and strong
Thanks for talking about this Marios! I accept I have a severe limerant problem over a friend who doesn’t reach out to me as much as I do. I stopped initiating texts but I want to reach out.. I haven’t though. Three months now. Anyway I hope that your professional advice can help me more XO
Hi there, thank you for sharing. Hard to tell the details of your situation but many find “no contact” a good strategy to minimise limerence but I would say it has to happen while working though the underlying issue and therapy is usually the best way to achieve that.
If they do not reach to you as much as you to them, that is a bit unfair, and maybe it is time to let them go.
if this is limerence then NO CONTACT is your best chance to overcome it in the shortest possible time and with as little pain as possible. I recommend also the channel of Following Fenna where the brain chemistry behind it is explained. (short and witty vids, and she is a recovered limerent and a mental health coach).
btw you could show your friend one of the videos that explain limerence well (so a lay person would understand it) and ask them to support you in No Contact.. - I read your comment again: I am assuming you are "in love" with the friend.
Or is it just a asymmetric friendship where you miss the other person. So: NO LIMERENCE. That is obsessive love that goes on for a loooong time.
But even then telling them, that you really want to have more contact and enjoy so much hearing from them could change it - or it creeps them out that you are (or they perceive you to be) creepy. Then they most likely grow more distant, which will help you detach - at least you know they are not meant to be your friend.
It depends how you phrase it that you do not come across as needy.
If this is about friendship only (so NO limerence).
I had times in my life when I "neglected" friends because what was going on inside me or in my life occupied all my attention and as an introvert I retreated. When coming out of the rut I regret that I neglected them - so maybe you showing genuine attachment (fitting for a real friendship so no limerence) would wake them up and inspire them to have more contact with you.
@@Uksoapfan 8 months and no contact from neither one of us. Hurts. But life goes on really, wether I choose to or not be stuck with that. I’ve traveled a lot. Started working out again. A few problems here and there but that’s life. What I’ve realized now is people are not important really. Come and go sadly. Now I make no effort to being friendly or keep up with anyone. Not worth my time and money.
I feel this deeply, thank you for sharing💛
I have had limerence over some people, even platonic limerence, such as putting a colleague on a pedestal and being blind to their faults. They say limerence can make people blind to the limerent objects faults. I keep thinking about a work colleague born in 1944, who was a decent enough guy but was a bit sleazy and not the most reliable worker. It is platonic limerence of course but this man seems to be living rent free inside my head. He died in 2006.
Wooow!! You have someone Living in your Head that Passed Away! I do as well!
@@GreeneChakra Yes I got on well this this man but he was just an acquaintance not a friend. I guess he was one of those old school men from a different generation who was a bit lecherous. A lot of the time he was indifferent to certain work but applied himself to jobs he liked doing so was not dumb. Just a bit scruffy, sleazy and lazy. He always thankfully smelt of washing powder though, so liked to keep clean.
I hope u continue creating content, this is really helpful
Thank you for the kind words! I will.
Totally true concerning distance. I finally won over my LO after six months of pain and as that person approached to kiss me, I backed off.
Thank you so much! The info you shared was extremely helpful for me to go through my limerence process !
It sounds contradictory but I'm starting to fall in love (Limerence object) with you, Dr. Marios, at the same time that you are talking about the phenomenon, you are absolutely handsome....
Lol
Don't be Para social.❤
Thanks for sharing knowledge I need that ❤
I have acknowledged my limerance. The thing is that i have been a creep for my LO and that shit just breaks my heart. I am avoiding my LO at all costs. I wamted to apologise for being that way but that would make me even more creepier. Am i right in this???
Nice, thank you
Is it possible to be friends with or be around someone you had a limerence over? I had this over a friend from 12-19 who was straight and I wanted a relationship. I’m 28 now and even now feel like I could never be around them…there’s no feelings or obsession for them anymore but I feel it could just wake back up inside me and that scares me. They just make me feel nervous if I pass by them now.
don’t even risk it, you know how bad it gets, don’t put yourself through it again
@@samia6888 I think I know that in my heart. I am also a recovering alcoholic who’s been sober for 7 years and this in my opinion is just the same….he was like another drug to me and if I start trying to befriend him I know exactly where it’s going to lead.
I do wish I could tell him and explain this though because he was a good friend to me growing up. I won’t though because it could potentially damage both of our lives.
@@coolwahl I am so sorry you are going through this, when you say it is the same as your alcohol addiction, what do you mean by that? Do you think about alcohol the same way like all the time it is on your mind? Do you feel emotionally distraught when you don't take it? I know someone who is an alcoholic but never knew that this was the same suffering he was enduring.
@@samia6888 I am very fortunate that I’m in a place in my life where I don’t think about either that much. I can be around alcohol when my friends drink it and I’m unphased completely with my lemonade. But what I learned from the meetings is I may have changed a lot in the 7 years sobriety I have but like any alcoholic I am 1 drink away from being the person I used to be…it’s slightly different but similar in the way that if I was around my old friend again those feelings and limerence would just come back like how my addiction to alcohol would come back if I had a drink.
Hope that makes sense, I’m definitely not suffering anymore, I feel like one of the lucky ones honestly ❤️
What about serial cheaters who never leave the wife
That sounds more like mainly an infidelity issue rather than limerence or self-esteem (though they may be involved). Repeated cheating suggests either they are unwilling to be faithful (and honest?) but there’s many reasons why that might be the case e.g. they don’t think they need to commit, they think they are entitled to cheat, they have low self esteem and sabotage themselves but acting in an unfaithful manner
I think a better question is what about people who stay with spouses who clearly don’t value them. Maybe look into self-esteem and codependency.
Have you experienced limerence before?
What information does it give us that the people we choose have similar characteristics? Both have very distinctive features that are similar to each other. Is it something that I am missing in myself?
They are like us, but they also have something in addition we would like to have. So we see a "soul mate" in that sameness maybe.
Hi Marios. May I ask a tricky question?… just your thoughts on this topic…all things being very individual of course, however, how ‘should’(in an ideal world), could, a therapist handle being the limerent object of a client who sought their help for this very problem, not realising that this was their problem and that it was a pattern, and then disclosed their attachment to the therapist? Is working through it and all the discomfort for both a probable solution (isn’t that what therapy is about?) or is termination/no contact the only real answer? All responses gratefully received. 🙏
Hi there, thanks for the question. That is a tricky one, and just my opinion, but if your therapist is willing to deal with this kind of thing (transference of loving/obsessive feelings) and you have a good therapeutic relationship, you should be able to explore it together. However, keep in mind the therapist has a right to their own boundaries, and they may decide that it is better you work with another therapist - it is hard to say as it is, as you say, an individual decision based on the circumstances. Either way try not to take it personally, as the relationship must maintain a professional and safe standard for both of you.
@@Marios_CG Hi Marios, first and foremost, thank you for replying… and secondly, for taking the time to consider this tricky situation with a fair and balanced response. 🙏
My sisters friend had her phyciatrist declaire his love for her.i thought it sounded bit fucked up.hopefully made up.but seriously imagine you were married to that person and someone asks how you met.@@Marios_CG
How can somebody get over this
Understand it's more about self-esteem than the other person and stop putting other people above yourself.
I agree with the previous comment, I’d also add that working on yourself and your personal life goals can be a good way to realign. Also, you may not ‘get over’ limerence in the same way you don’t ‘overcome’ heartbreak. It’s a healing process and they take time. So it’s more about learning to live with it and facilitate the healing. It can’t be done on command. Look after yourself!