@@mahmoudkhedr2480 this has been an extremely helpful video. I wish my friends could see how dismissive they are of legitimate and real struggles. Thankful you survived to tell us this. Hugs
Thank you everyone for your kind words, reflections and responses to my story. I am deeply grateful to have had the opportunity to share my story and for thousands of people across the globe to hear it, and potentially benefit from doing so. :) It’s extremely difficult to unpack mental health, positivity, and wellbeing into a 13-minute talk. I can tell from some of the comments that some people may have misinterpreted my message. I hear your voices and I value your perspective. I always appreciate opposing views and people who point out things that may not resonate with them. I would like to make 2 points in response to some of the comments: 1. This is my lived experience. And only mine! Yours will probably be different! There’s a lot more that I wasn’t able to say, but I want to really hammer the point down that this perspective stems from my lived experience. This is how I experienced struggle, and how I synthesized my experience, pinpointing a value in society that I personally don’t agree with. I’ve seen it resonate with a lot of people, but of course, it will not with everyone! Finding my own solutions to cope, seek help, and heal is something I’m so grateful for. Your lived experience is different, and how you view the world will be different! So when it comes to healing and dealing with your own mental health, of course, it may be different as well. There is no one size fits all solution to mental health, and I hope you find your own way to cope, heal, and flourish!
@Mahmoud Khedr Thank you so much for this talk. I can totally relate to what you said. I used to wonder why my self-hate always got worse every time I had the good vibes only encounter. I was blaming myself for feeling bad or even anything less than good. Thankfully I was able to catch myself before things went south and decided to stop that kind of encounter completely and went to full-blown allowing myself to feel whatever the heck I was feeling instead. And that has been my turning point. I've been so compassionate and loving with myself ever since then, sure self-hate still pop up here and there, but it's been reduced immensely. So again thank you for saying it out loud. It makes me feel that I'm not alone. And I'm not in any way shape or form saying that one way is bad or better compared to another because I also believe that everything is good in moderation. I'm also just sharing what's worked for me based on my own experience. Thank you.
I remember once when I talked to a woman a bit older to me what I feelt, she was like why do you tell me this and try to bring me down. Hmm that was not my intention to do that but it really feelt like she did not care how I feelt. Never really talked to her again after that. And also I have been blamed for what has happened to me and also the law of attraction is very problematic, now many think that everything happening is our own fault. It makes me sad, that because of this I avoid talking to people, it's not supportive I only feel worse.
I understand you completely this is my first time again in years trying to find someone I can relate to. We have almost the same story. I can barely get out of the bed in the morning to even care for my son I rarely got out of the bed.
'They tend to be deulsional' - yep, that's the sense I get too. I find them insufferable, quite honestly, I just want to tell them to pull their heads out of their backsides.
But what can you do when no one listens to understand you, but rather to judge you? What can one do when people don’t care about what you’re going through? What can you do when the world assumes your life is all rainbows and butterflies and therefore your struggles are diminished and treated with indifference? Honestly, when this is your reality, dying seems like a good deal.
@@throwaway5926 I have experienced much toxic positivity throughout the decades. Those who don't subscribe to this way of thinking will often find themselves alone in a world of delusional positive people. If there is no one present with any kind of understanding I have always found it helpful to Watch listen to or read the works by someone like Alain De Botton. Or anyone who gets it like Schopenhauer for instance.
Toxic Positivity is only to make those around you or with you feel comfortable. Toxic positivity has nothing to do with truly helping you. This is an excellent and important talk.
@@dapper_slapper4093 True. Some people are dealt an exceptionally bad hand in life. And if such a person is authentic we cannot blame them for becoming pessimistic, and there is nothing wrong with that. After all who is to deny an unfortunate person the freedom to call things out for what they really are.
@@DaskaiserreichNet78 Thank you! This is exactly what most people do not understand about people who have been dealt as you said, an exceptionally bad hand in life. People usually dismiss this as saying it's THEIR fault they are in this predicament and things keep happening to them, when in reality that is the farthest thing from the truth.
I cried hearing him say "all vibes welcome" at the end. I found out my husband had cheated on me throughout our entire marriage, and then he became distant and wouldn't console me when I went into a depression over it. He wouldn't engage in conversation with me, saying I wanted him to feel guilty and I was "taking his light away". He couldn't show any empathy for the pain he caused me and wanted me to just forget about it and not talk about it. It's been over 2 years and I'm still healing from all the trauma he caused me. When people are in pain, they just need to be acknowledged and heard. That is the path to healing.
He went beyond toxic positivity. He was gaslighting you...being emotionally manipulative in order to validate his own horrible behavior. I hope you are continuing to heal.
I am so sorry this happened to you, it sounds "crazy making" in the extreme! I hope you're able to be surrounded by people who care, and are also able to see and hear and be present with you and all of your experience.
I’m sorry you went through a relationship with someone who abused you and violated your trust. Emotional abuse is just as painful as physical. He will pay for it someday. People tend to write off our experiences of dying as just “dying,” but our souls still will repay. 100%, he will.
I used say the same things to myself” stay positive, be positive, positive vibes only”. It made me feel worse as I just couldn’t be and stay positive. Now, When I go through difficult time. I say to myself that I will get through it, I acknowledge the difficulties and allow myself to feel sad, not feel positive but also at the end I remind myself that I will get though it. It helps me.
Yea imagine telling god or the " universe " thank you. Im so happy and positive i was born with cancer " ill ignore the very fact how un fair it is how i will be dead soon meanwhile creepy Biden is destroying a nation. But its ok universe reward him with a healthy positive manifestation hahahah
@@starkey8512 I don’t know what it’s like being diagnosed and living with cancer. I can only imagine. But I don’t think I can know what it actually truly is like. But I do know what it’s like living a life being abused for 15 years and now living with chronic pain condition. I believe there are way of healing for everything. There are people even who have healed and recovered cancer. I don’t trust pharmaceuticals at all, and believe in natural remedies and what’s given to us by nature. This is what’s helping me with my Condition. There are lots of resources can be found.
Yeah. I regret believing those people when they told me "be positive " it made an huge impact on my mental health and it really damaged me. I honestly don't know who to believe anymore. I don't know if I can even trust my mom coz she will say the same thing too like everyone has said to me.
Always. There is no need to block off our negative thoughts or lie to ourselves to be positive. Acknowledgement within ourselves and not being dismissive of others less pleasant thoughts goes a long way. Very well articulated, you did good brother!
My job offers PTO. I save it up and take a staycation* of four or five days perhaps every three months. *This is my only concession to corporate speak. The rest is vapid rubbish which I cringe to hear.
Thank you so much for posting this. As someone with depression our culture of toxic positivity makes it so much worse. This message needs to be heard. This meant a lot to me.
And I've found that it actually makes my sadness and depression *worse* because I'm trying to *prove* to people that thinking positive doesn't work for me and never will because they wouldn't LISTEN TO ME.
My inlaws side rejects negativity to an extreme. Once my mother in law told me some positive quip when I was going through something, and I was upset. After I hung up the phone, the Bible verse came to me, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fufill the law of Christ." This is what we are supposed to do. My husband even was warned not to cry at his own sister's funeral. We are supposed to lift each other up!
I started watching this video because I kept hearing the words "toxic positivity", first from my older sister and then here and there through various inputs.. no one really explaining it in a way that was making sense to me. It wasn't until about 4:40 seconds in, when he says, "being positive as I'd come to understand it, meant completely avoiding the problem and focusing only on the good" it clicked in my mind the "reality" of this happening being called "toxic positivity" -- thanks for sharing! Totally makes more sense now! I don't think I need to listen anymore. xD
"good vibes only" kind of people downvoted this video :D Jokes aside though this was a very helpful talk, I wish more "positive" people could try to understand that telling someone who is going through a hard time they should be thankful, is not only not helpful but straight up damaging even further.
Yup. Toxic positivity will keep you in a jacked up relationship too. Be smart. I'm starting over again and being realistic this time...... Thanks for your speech
Love this so much. I grew up in a household where negative emotions were constantly silenced and I never understood why I would have relationship problems and I would often lash out in anger even though I was trying to "just be positive". I am now allowing myself time to work through all my emotions and it is the most liberated I've ever felt.
So, so, so true! I am a therapist and a coach and I find it hard to hear the level of experiential avoidance encouraged in pop culture and in the coaching space. I feel like a rebel when I stand up and tell people to feel all their feelings and not turn away from the difficult thoughts and feelings. I'm fairly sure I'll lose people over saying so but it's so important to get the message out about the stuff that really works to improve people's wellbeing in the long run. Thanks for spreading this message to millions of people!
I left a support group because when I explained to them how debilitating depression was, they said "you sure seem to say 'can't' a lot" and that I should put "positive affirmations around my mirror". I got EXTREMELY ANGRY and started shaking and crying.
I will never forget one day while I was in a long term relationship of 5 years unknowingly with a narcissist. I had been raising a couple of beautiful finches and I was very attached to them. One of them died suddenly and I was heartbroken. I told this to my then-boyfriend, (the narcissist), and he said I ruined his day and said this to me over the phone: "I only want to talk and be around happy people today." He hung up the phone on me. I cried afterwards in grief over my poor little bird and the fact that this person who supposedly loves me just didn't give a damn whatsoever about my feelings. To this day I am sick to my stomach that I ever dated him and put up with all of his BS. Love is truly BLIND for some of us.
I can relate. I had someone up and leave me because I “bummed him out” over a cancer scare that I had. Even when it turned out to not be cancer, he said he couldn’t handle me. He even went as far to say that I was a burden to people because of the way I behaved. Sheesh…
Love this. In an age where services and organisations are increasingly scared of liability, and people are losing the art of storytelling and story hearing....if I can be there for one person each day in an authentic way and allow someone to be who they are, where they're at , then I feel like I've made a difference. And when i find someone like you in my day when i need it i appreciate it so much. Great work, thank you!!!!!
Wow!! Really I thought only I felt awkward and frustrating when people were trying to counsel me to be positive which lead me into depression, panic attacks. It's ok to get through each emotion step by step n not bombard with positivity vibes.
Yup! We've got to start educating others about how their language impacts us. Even though people are generally well-intentioned, they may not know that they are harming us if we don't tell them. I hope we have the courage to have more of these conversations.
I feel terrible because I pretty much actively turn down positivity because I feel the people who try to get me to do it are crazy, but it definitely made me worse until I admitted i wanted to die accidently.
I am so happy that I just learned about Toxic Positivity. Yes All Vibes Welcome!! I just lost a friendship that wasn't good because now I realize that this person had toxic positivity. All I wanted to hear was I am your friend and I care. I got nothing during. Hurt. Be he is so right. People that say all good vibes all positive vibes even myself are hurting. You have to address the mental issue. I have seeing Therapist and getting closer to my faith. Like he said you broke your arm just be happy. Doesn't work that way. Blessing Mahmoud this is just what I needed. I thought I was toxic, but actually I was addressing my truth.
I've had friends who exhibited toxic positivity. I wasn't allowed a bad mood in front of them no matter what had happened to me. But I wasn't also allowed to exhibit positive emotions in front of them such as excitement and awe. Toxic positivity leads to naivety and being gullible. While pessimism leads to inaction as you see no point in making an effort optimism also leads to inaction as you think nothing needs to be done to achieve a desired outcome.
My friend Taylor has panic attacks. I told her I knew what she felt because I had them too when I was younger. It feels like pure fear. The fear you experience when you know you're about to die. All you want to do is go home and pray to God it will go away. I remember one panic attack she had at our campsite. I believed she was only doing it for attention by how frequent it was. I never knew what it really felt until I experienced it myself later on. I never told her in person, but in my mind I dismissed her thinking she was overreacting. She told me thank God that someone knew what it felt like because many people only dismissed her and wouldn't acknowledge it. Later on, while I was talking on the phone, I told her how awful it is in California. And I couldn't wait to move back in two weeks. After the phone call, my parents told me I would drive her away with my negativity and that I should only talk good vibes. I'm a genuine person. I love listening to problems and speak my mind. I don't think anyone is human if all you feel is happiness.
I had a friend that I confided in. I told her that I had really bad depression and struggled with the thought of suicide. She laughed and starting calling me "emo boy". I quit talking to her.
I recovered from mental illness in NYC in the eighties. Then I moved upstate to a community with good family values and positivity. Took 30 years to figure out what happened to my mental health. In NYC it was okay to say you came from a hellish background. It was okay to say something really sucks.
I’m from NYC but moved to the south and the suburbs. Went back to visit a few months ago and literally asked my mom “you actually let me born here” 😂 there’s so much beauty and creativity but to live there would wreck my mentality I know it.
I can relate 1 million times to what you say. It does hurt so bad when your dying inside and someone trivializes it by saying just be positive. As if I choose depression.
I still watch this video on really hard days. I survived a toxic positivity environment back home, and found a partner that was patient and helped work with me to find answers for my past. I have had a fairly difficult life. Without going into too much detail, I suffered a lot of child abuse and was surrounded by friends and family who toxic positivity "vibe check" type attitudes. During COVID, struggling to stay off the streets, my grandfather had recently passed away, with undiagnosed burdens in my early 30s, and I was still being told the same thing. I had a very similar story emotionally. And I almost killed myself as well from the pressure of feeling like I can't add up. Just this last year, I was diagnosed with ASD, general anxiety disorder, PTSD, and conversion disorder. I'm entering my 3rd semester in community college right now with a 4.0, and I'm turning my life around. I wish I could thank you in person for getting this message out there. ❤
Fantastic Mahmoud! Beautiful presentation. And spot on, in the era of social media when so many people seem to be advertising their “perfect” life online.
Amazing. Thank you so much. I grew up around people who enforced others to keep up toxic “positivity” and I felt so alienated when I was growing sick of it. Yet, I did not know anyone who spoke out about it or was even aware it was potentially harmful in the long term. I agree with when you said there is a grey line because I felt the only options were for me to be 100% stable and happy all the time or a complete depressed psychopath, which are unrealistic expectations. Things are more complex than that. So, again, thank you and I hope this video gets a lot more views in the future
When people pass down Toxic Positivity and invalidating people's emotions it becomes a culture. "All emotions are valid." And need to recognized as such. "Every emotion serves a purpose." However, some emotions are not appropriate for modern times. My ancestors were vikings. And it would have serious repercussions if i were battle axe my boss's head off over a work dispute. if i had a job that is. Please stay Covid-19 free and watch out for Covid-21 it's breaking out in China. Prepare for the next wave. Peace ☮️.
@@angelinarobert622 Oh yeah totally interesting point to bring up. Not every emotion should dictate one’s actions, but rather should at least be acknowledged and known how to be dealt with rather than bury it and ignore it all the time.
I like the "i dont know what to say, but im glad you came to me and told me this" comment. I am the shoulder for people to cry on for much of my life and have become burnt out on empathizing with others. Sometimes i would rather tell people to leave me be and talk to a therapist. But then if i say "i am going through something right now, i can't be what you need me to be," i am rude and uncaring. There seems to be no middle road answer
That should be a reasonable answer. It's impossible to give what you don't have. By pretending to have the emotional and mental energy for the darkness others are struggling with, a person can really hurt both themselves and the people they intended to help. If you truly can't help someone yourself then you can't help someone yourself, whether that be because of burnout, personal issues, or a general inability to handle other people's emotions in a helpful way. These are difficult conversations to have but they need to happen. You could help people by directing them to someone who's well equipped to help the person in need. But if you can't do that either then you can't do that either. No one can be equipped to handle any situation thrown at them. You probably know this anyway but I just felt the need to say it anyway.
We cannot experience real positive emotions unless we know what sadness, grief and anger feels like. All emotional states whether positive or negative make up the human condition, so only focusing on positivity inhibits our mental state to acknowledge the struggles which lead to recovery!
I hate people who ignore the pain of others, just saying ‘stay positive’ 🙄 so annoying, always leave that people and don’t be friends with them, they really don’t care about you.
Thank you for this. It really hurts when you are forced to live in denial and are called a brat. I understand. It's always important to acknowledge our own emotions. At least one should be true to oneself. Understanding oneself and caring for oneself is very important.
There are so many cliches that are lies. For example, you can do anything you put your mind to. BS. No way that should be preached. That only sets someone up for great disappointment when their goal isn't achieved. What should be taught is that there are no guarantees in life, but you have to give it your very best effort in order to best achieve your goals. Also, passionate goals aren't passionate if it causes stress along the way. It should be fun, without pressure, and without expectations.
I'm really glad to hear this talk. I've been going through some really rough things lately, mostly multiple family bereavements, losing my father, 5 aunties and uncles, then my beloved soul mate cat to cancer, and then a letter from my landlord saying he wants to raise my rent approx £200 next year which I'd struggle to afford. I was suicidal after all of the bereavements, and had started to feel better when I got that letter. I have been quite shocked at some of the things so called friends have said to me. One was impatient and critical that I've not set up my business yet, ignoring the fact that I had been struggling with intense grief and had been suicidal. She means well and wants to see me succeed but he words were harsh, cold and painful. Another family member seems to have had therapy and she now refuses to acknowledge anything negative at all. Life is full of ups and downs, sometimes life is terrible. It's ok to feel utterly wretched. Just don't sit in that place for too long, feel it and once you feel you can, make a plan of action. I've felt better alone as I can be a better friend to myself than my old friends who have never suffered much so can't empathise with what some of us have had to go through.
I'm sorry to hear about your bereavements. I empathise, i lost my mum a year ago and my elderly dog is on the decline and I have toxic positivity around me xx
My boyfriend is the good vibes only and it’s frustrating. Today i felt so alone I considered Suicide again but this video helped me calm down a little. It’s ok to be sad and not be happy, i just need to feel better
@@vcrfuneral_ I am so glad that you have survived through all of those tough times, and are present with us today. There is great strength in you, I really hope you take the time to recognise this. Please keep on taking action for whatever is better for, and prioritises, your wellbeing. I hope you are in a better place, sending you much love
Exactly...The "positive" facade. That's right what it is. You can't have left without right, up without down, and none of us can be positive all of the damned time. You and I have got to discuss and talk about the negative stuff too. It's a balance of contradictions that we have to deal with.
This really resonates with me. I consider myself a fairly positive person. But toxic positivity made me suppress so many emotions that it now takes a real shock for me to be able to cry. I’m blind, and that has caused me to feel really isolated in school. I’ve never had real friends, and even though that doesn’t really bother me any more, it just really sucks sometimes. My mom has this be positive mentality. When I cry, she tells me to be strong. I’m in my school orchestra and sometimes I couldn’t play with the group for no other reason than being blind, and it just hurts, and I’m supposed to be strong. My mom is very supportive at a surface level, but I can never have an emotional conversation with her. I don’t remember her saying any of the phrases you mentioned, and even if she does, a minute later she tells me to be strong. This might not really fall into the idea of toxic positivity, but my mom also has the fixer mentality. School is lately causing my mental health to spiral down hill, and she keeps telling me that there’s always a solution. I don’t know how to tell her that mental health doesn’t work this way. I can’t talk to her about emotions, because she only wants to fix. She never truly listens. I feel really ungrateful saying this because she is supportive. She just doesn’t know how to listen. It just feels so unbelievably good when someone says one of the things you mentioned at the end. Thanks a lot for this talk
This is exactly why I don't want to be friends with optimists because they cannot handle anything, honest or anything real. Everything has to be sugar coated constantly. Therefore, if I'm having a rough time and I need advice or help or just someone to talk to, it becomes a, "Things could be worse!". Um, okay? And? How does that change the situation I'm in? So if I'm being verbally abused every day. I should be grateful that I'm not being tortured too??
Inside out the movie is an amazing example of toxic positivity. Where happiness is always perceived as a great thing, while Sadness and depression is seen as bad.
when people say "i dont need that negative energy around me" or "cheer up" or "you're fine" or "just look at the bright side" or "why are you so negative" or "just be happy for me, just because youre doing bad, doesnt mean you need to dampen my mood. youre responsible for your own happiness" it really makes you just more cynical and circulates the negative energy even more. the last one is definitely valid in some cases, when someone is purposely making their struggles a competition and not allowing someone to feel happy, but at the same time, true happiness also depends on how real and genuine the support around you is. its not like comparing positive and negative experiences is only detrimental to the person who is experiencing the positive feelings. if positive vibes exist in everyone, then negative ones do too. if happiness is so easily curated within the self, then that means it can easily be a mask for something deeper, whether its insecurities or suppressing negativity. my teacher mentor kept telling me to "cheer up" everyday when i was struggling, and when she came to me one day and criticised my engagement with the kids, i snapped. i took the day off the next day with full blown panic attacks constantly keeping me awake at night. she felt soooo guilty for it, and on monday, she apologized and talked through it with me, actually acknowledging my pains and struggle with anxiety. i really appreciated it, because no one has ever done that before. she didnt let the negativity circulate and grow anymore, she acknowledged it and empathized, and it made me finally able to move on. i compare this to how my mom would ignore my panic attacks and constantly attack me with her toxic positivity and anticonflict attitude. it was an insane breath of fresh air.
I used to work part time at my school, and this is exactly what happened to me, I was an introvert and talking to people was a requirement. When I was talking to people I try to keep a good conversation going but I always hide my feelings and just act like we are just conversing. I always felt stressed after going home and I actually didn't know why, I always went home and said. I should have said this differently to make him feel good. I should have a more positive attitude. I was always apathetic and never consider my own feelings. Currently I been trying to open up more and been improving in not only conversation but also mentally. Good luck everyone.
As someone with a chronic, painful, degenerative illness I am so sick of toxic positivity. Even people who know this "helpfully" tell me they hope I get better soon. It could be worse etc. Doctors are sometimes the worst. I see this as a form of victim blaming. If you have a better attitude then you will feel less pain. Ahhhhhh! 😠
i have diabetes and people always try to tell me how to feel😡….i hate when people tell others how to deal with things that they have never experienced. I hope you are doing okay.
Validation of reality is positive. These ppl are negative and selfish because they refuse to validate. Validate and Calibrate sound similar. It's balance
I was at a taping of Hardball with Chris Matthews when Ralph Nader was on in 2000. They said people could ask questions if they lined up, which they did. Right before the show starts, they bring in ringers to put at the front of the line to make Nader supporters look like idiots. Brought them right to the front of the line. I stood up and yelled out, they're choosing who gets to ask questions, don't let them get away with it. This was right after a Nader rally in Madison, Wisconsin, and everyone in the audience practically had come directly from the rally up State St to the Orpheum. Immediately, some guy up in the balcony yells back at me, "Keep it positive, bro," and the whole audience started clapping at the fact he shouted me down. And these are the "radicals."
What a wonderful thing that you gave this talk Mahmoud! False positivity creeps into our lives unnoticed, yet it has an immense affect on how you feel. Every single time I hear someone at a workplace say "come out of your comfort zone" I feel like someone's reaching out for a gun to kill me (and some other ppl ofc).
I personally think a lot of people who give advice such as staying positive actually just don’t have the capacity to deal with or don’t want to deal with others problems. It’s a sad truth. I’m open to all the spectrum of emotions. Life is about polarity. A battery cannot work without negative and positive. Thank you for this talk ❤
I definitely know firsthand myself. I felt very guilty and ashamed for feeling everything that wasn't just happy thoughts 100 percent of the time. The other emotions are all part of the same equation. It's a matter of balancing them out together and not pretending they don't exist.
this is so true. But I also get why people, including myself show toxic positivity because when you’re used to suffering, mentally, if you’re empathetic or highly sensitive, you start absorbing someone’s negative emotions and then that just attacks onto your suffering, thinking about their suffering, and it feels like, a defense mechanism to automatically try to just think positive. But bringing this term to the surface is very important. This is helping me become more aware!
I think the more we express our feelings and process it the less we hide it inside that negativity and suffocating energy so I really liked this ted talk cause i really hate toxic positivity and how people invalidate our feelings because someone “supposedly” is going through worse
I hate how society is nowadays. All the time I'm on Facebook or whatever, everything is happy happy happy bright bright bright positive positive positive!!!! And if it's not, it gets treated like it has leprosy. I HATE the world today. I want to go back to like 2003 when people were cynical, sarcastic, critical, real, deep, smarter, darker, accepting and encouraging to be different and think critically..... All those traits are GONE and NOT allowed. It is killing me.
Not just "it", YOU get treated like you have leprosy if you're anything other than hysterically cheerful. You end up having to debate whether you should really keep hiding how unhappy you are for fear of being ostracized for your "negative energy" or just go it alone and not have to fake anything.
My parents refuse to address my problems and help me get through them because of their toxic positivity mindset. They think it's natural that I shouldn't be getting hang up because I have sleeping problems or lack of love and affection because other people have worse problems. I sent this video to my family and I really hope they actually watch this and realize that they're not helping.
I like that I keep finding videos like this. You cannot truly enjoy the good things if your are always finding the silver lining in the bad things in your life. It just throws your emotions out of balance. All you do you really become less resilient and mentally capable of coping with adversity. You learn to handle adversity and tragedy by accepting and processing your emotions and then you hopefully learn from it and become a stronger person. I totally get where he is coming from because my parents did the same thing of "think about other people who are worse off than you" which to me is just a way of saying "who cares about your problems?"
That’s valid but denial of suffering prolongs suffering, I was “addicted” to negative emotions, my adrenals are still shot. The one thing I know is that expressing the negative emotions has helped me re-train my brain. “Emotions are data, not directives.”
If a man is sitting on fire, we don't tell him how dangerous is to sit on ice. Although sitting on ice, if you see it detached from the given scenario, is itself very dangerous. Rather talking about how dangerous is it to sit on ice will do more harm than good to him.
"Addiction to negative emotions." You mean, depression. It's not an addiction, it's a mental illness and to call it an addiction (as if it's a choice) negates a person''s suffering.
My sister has recently became too optimistic compared to her being realistic towards everything put in front of her. It’s so hard to talk about my emotions or to reason with her. We were both molested by the same uncle at different ages. Me younger and her mid teens. But to her everyone deserves help no matter what they have done… it never crossed her mind that he is still a danger to our nieces and nephews.. she doesn’t listen that these are sick ppl that do not change and she “looks at the bright side” saying he “might have changed,” we don’t know if he continued these tendencies,” he’s family “. “Our family deserve our help” :(
love this talk ❤personally I've learned that you have to let yourself sink in to your feelings and feel ok with not feeling ok sometimes ( or all the time ) and that it's not about trying to suppress negativity and force positivity it's about letting yourself be whatever you are but also welcome positivity. like a diet , it's not about shoving out bad foods of your diet but about welcoming good foods and letting the good push out the bad by itself if that makes sense ?
I've been a pessimist since childhood and found most optimists to be hokey & phony. That's why every time I felt someone is being annoying, I called them an optimist instead of a pest. -_-
I completely agree with the first part (just haven't called annoying people optomist) and it made my situation worse because I spent so much time rejecting it I forgot what normal positivity is.
No to forced happiness 😤 / Yes to Authenticity 💐 Some people really think that “happiness” is the only mood we should stay in. It’s not true. We are human beings and real life is harsh. Cute quote from the movie The Wind Rises: “The wind is rising, we must try to live.”
Thank you! I totally agree with you - we have to find a balance between the two. Complaining and being negative all the time is not the solution either.
Thanks for bringing this topic up it needs to be discussed and addressed. Toxic Positivity is always in your face and rammed down your throat on social media. Toxic Positivity is for the one who speaks it speaks it for their own comfort because they're not empathetic and they cannot "read the air/atmosphere" . Trust me, empathy can be a double edged sword one edge towards your enemy, one edge towards yourself. if your best friend suffers from anxiety and you're feeling "his pain" it's not good, but it can save a life. i don't think of emotions as a binary system of Positive Emotions and Negative Emotions. i think of emotions as Organic chemicals that flow in mixes and gradients of feelings. If others thought that way, they'd make life easier others, instead of harder.
Completely meaningless statement for me. This statement is a great example of what toxic positivity is. First of all, have you defined what "your true self" means? And what or who are you meant to be? And is being "your true self" equal to what you are meant to be? Or can it be different? And how do you know that your true self is not actually the problem and that you should improve and better your true self?
Dirk Hoekstra In other words, just be your realist self. Accept that life is a classroom and life experiences are your teachers. Each experience is teaching yourself something. We all get bad experiences like loss of careers, financial ruins, loss of loved ones, betrayal by false friends, breakups, etc. What we do with them? We just to cope, get on with living and struggle, no matter how difficult that may be to you. In everyday life, I struggle with losses and regrets and I pray always. Sometimes, I find compensations in life. I never harbour thoughts of suicide and I try my best to resist bad feelings toward others. Whatever is impossible or unreachable in life, I just push off, move on and get on with living. You can do the same. In whatever sphere where I feel worthless and unbelonged, I simply push off, go elsewhere or be on my own. Meanwhile, I keep myself preoccupied with readings, studies, skill training, hobbies, etc. I just keep making myriad self-improvements.
Thank you thank you thank you for this TED talk! If you knew how much I can relate to your story....Invalidating people's emotions, shaming them, blaming them, gaslighting can KILL PEOPLE. I''m sure many suicides are related to this very topic. Thank you for standing up and having the courage to denounce our toxic society norms.
In Islam, it's called "tawazun", means balance. All humans need balance in every single aspect in their lives, including when they're dealing with emotions. Emotions are gifts from Allah (God). Embrace them, and make balance of them.
Insisting others act positively is a way of refusing to be empathetic. It invalidates the person's emotions.
So true , we can't be empathetic if the only range of emotions we experience is that so called positivity .
Absolutely, could not have said it any better myself.
exactly this
I know that feeling
It is also away for the "Be positive!" person to evade having to a difficult discussion or situation.
Thank you. Now I know why I feel so horrible and uneasy whenever people's say good vibes only.
I'm so glad this resonated. Thank YOU.
Yes I get really scared lol
@@mahmoudkhedr2480 this has been an extremely helpful video. I wish my friends could see how dismissive they are of legitimate and real struggles. Thankful you survived to tell us this. Hugs
@@mahmoudkhedr2480 "Love and gaslight" I saw was a funny way to call out the good vibes only crowd. Take good care and thanks again!
Whenever I get positive comments from people I never believe them no matter who it comes from
Thank you everyone for your kind words, reflections and responses to my story. I am deeply grateful to have had the opportunity to share my story and for thousands of people across the globe to hear it, and potentially benefit from doing so. :)
It’s extremely difficult to unpack mental health, positivity, and wellbeing into a 13-minute talk. I can tell from some of the comments that some people may have misinterpreted my message.
I hear your voices and I value your perspective. I always appreciate opposing views and people who point out things that may not resonate with them.
I would like to make 2 points in response to some of the comments:
1. This is my lived experience. And only mine! Yours will probably be different!
There’s a lot more that I wasn’t able to say, but I want to really hammer the point down that this perspective stems from my lived experience. This is how I experienced struggle, and how I synthesized my experience, pinpointing a value in society that I personally don’t agree with. I’ve seen it resonate with a lot of people, but of course, it will not with everyone! Finding my own solutions to cope, seek help, and heal is something I’m so grateful for.
Your lived experience is different, and how you view the world will be different! So when it comes to healing and dealing with your own mental health, of course, it may be different as well.
There is no one size fits all solution to mental health, and I hope you find your own way to cope, heal, and flourish!
@Mahmoud Khedr Thank you so much for this talk. I can totally relate to what you said.
I used to wonder why my self-hate always got worse every time I had the good vibes only encounter. I was blaming myself for feeling bad or even anything less than good. Thankfully I was able to catch myself before things went south and decided to stop that kind of encounter completely and went to full-blown allowing myself to feel whatever the heck I was feeling instead. And that has been my turning point. I've been so compassionate and loving with myself ever since then, sure self-hate still pop up here and there, but it's been reduced immensely. So again thank you for saying it out loud. It makes me feel that I'm not alone.
And I'm not in any way shape or form saying that one way is bad or better compared to another because I also believe that everything is good in moderation. I'm also just sharing what's worked for me based on my own experience. Thank you.
Powerful life changing my soul needed this...👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I’m Jordanian and from NY as well...thank you for this
I remember once when I talked to a woman a bit older to me what I feelt, she was like why do you tell me this and try to bring me down. Hmm that was not my intention to do that but it really feelt like she did not care how I feelt. Never really talked to her again after that. And also I have been blamed for what has happened to me and also the law of attraction is very problematic, now many think that everything happening is our own fault. It makes me sad, that because of this I avoid talking to people, it's not supportive I only feel worse.
I understand you completely this is my first time again in years trying to find someone I can relate to. We have almost the same story. I can barely get out of the bed in the morning to even care for my son I rarely got out of the bed.
I like positivity as long as it's realistic.
Me too!
AMEN.
You can be grateful, but don't be delusional.
Everything positively sucks.
remind me on mlm community
Every emotion is valid
that's very true
100%! Thank you for the comment
absolutely not
I agree 100 percent.
Trylica
that’s your numbness speaking
If you have problems, you must talk about them.
Don't be one of those "love and light, always be positive" people. They tend to be delusional.
We cannot be substantial without a shadow
narcissists LOVE people who talk too much bout positivity
'They tend to be deulsional' - yep, that's the sense I get too. I find them insufferable, quite honestly, I just want to tell them to pull their heads out of their backsides.
But what can you do when no one listens to understand you, but rather to judge you? What can one do when people don’t care about what you’re going through? What can you do when the world assumes your life is all rainbows and butterflies and therefore your struggles are diminished and treated with indifference? Honestly, when this is your reality, dying seems like a good deal.
@@throwaway5926 I have experienced much toxic positivity throughout the decades. Those who don't subscribe to this way of thinking will often find themselves alone in a world of delusional positive people.
If there is no one present with any kind of understanding I have always found it helpful to
Watch listen to or read the works by someone like Alain De Botton. Or anyone who gets it like Schopenhauer for instance.
Toxic Positivity is only to make those around you or with you feel comfortable. Toxic positivity has nothing to do with truly helping you. This is an excellent and important talk.
I see toxic positivity in churches today. So sad! Thank you for this video!🙏
not surprising
THIS! This definitely needs to be talked about way more!!!
Everything about church is toxic.
It seems _really_ disingenuous. I can’t stand fakeness.
No duh, its church
its like everywhere in life:
you need balance.
Only negativity is bad, only positivity is bad.
Yes!
Agreed but I'll take it further and say what a person needs is to be authentic.
@@dapper_slapper4093 True. Some people are dealt an exceptionally bad hand in life. And if such a person is authentic we cannot blame them for becoming pessimistic, and there is nothing wrong with that. After all who is to deny an unfortunate person the freedom to call things out for what they really are.
@@DaskaiserreichNet78 Thank you! This is exactly what most people do not understand about people who have been dealt as you said, an exceptionally bad hand in life. People usually dismiss this as saying it's THEIR fault they are in this predicament and things keep happening to them, when in reality that is the farthest thing from the truth.
They do have balance.
They're very negative about people not being like them.
I cried hearing him say "all vibes welcome" at the end. I found out my husband had cheated on me throughout our entire marriage, and then he became distant and wouldn't console me when I went into a depression over it. He wouldn't engage in conversation with me, saying I wanted him to feel guilty and I was "taking his light away". He couldn't show any empathy for the pain he caused me and wanted me to just forget about it and not talk about it. It's been over 2 years and I'm still healing from all the trauma he caused me. When people are in pain, they just need to be acknowledged and heard. That is the path to healing.
He went beyond toxic positivity. He was gaslighting you...being emotionally manipulative in order to validate his own horrible behavior. I hope you are continuing to heal.
I am so sorry this happened to you, it sounds "crazy making" in the extreme! I hope you're able to be surrounded by people who care, and are also able to see and hear and be present with you and all of your experience.
I hear you. Been there. Stay strong, sister.
I hope you left that relationship. You deserve so much better. You have to know your self worth ❤
I’m sorry you went through a relationship with someone who abused you and violated your trust. Emotional abuse is just as painful as physical. He will pay for it someday. People tend to write off our experiences of dying as just “dying,” but our souls still will repay. 100%, he will.
I used say the same things to myself” stay positive, be positive, positive vibes only”. It made me feel worse as I just couldn’t be and stay positive. Now, When I go through difficult time. I say to myself that I will get through it, I acknowledge the difficulties and allow myself to feel sad, not feel positive but also at the end I remind myself that I will get though it. It helps me.
I love it! Thank you for sharing that!!
I tell me this to shall pass
Yea imagine telling god or the " universe " thank you. Im so happy and positive i was born with cancer " ill ignore the very fact how un fair it is how i will be dead soon meanwhile creepy Biden is destroying a nation. But its ok universe reward him with a healthy positive manifestation hahahah
@@starkey8512 I don’t know what it’s like being diagnosed and living with cancer. I can only imagine. But I don’t think I can know what it actually truly is like. But I do know what it’s like living a life being abused for 15 years and now living with chronic pain condition. I believe there are way of healing for everything. There are people even who have healed and recovered cancer. I don’t trust pharmaceuticals at all, and believe in natural remedies and what’s given to us by nature. This is what’s helping me with my
Condition. There are lots of resources can be found.
Yeah. I regret believing those people when they told me "be positive " it made an huge impact on my mental health and it really damaged me. I honestly don't know who to believe anymore. I don't know if I can even trust my mom coz she will say the same thing too like everyone has said to me.
I think one of the best things I learned from therapy was that emotions are information or data.
EVERY SINGLE EMOTION HAS A FUNCTION
I was wondering why i was so upset at positive messages, and this explains it. I needed to hear this. Thank you
Always. There is no need to block off our negative thoughts or lie to ourselves to be positive. Acknowledgement within ourselves and not being dismissive of others less pleasant thoughts goes a long way. Very well articulated, you did good brother!
Thank you so much! I appreciate you!
It's such a stressful society, what helps me is taking a vacation, just getting away. I make it a point in my life to destress myself.
I hear you, Blanca. Glad vacations help. I can't wait to be able to go on one after all this is over... God willing!
My job offers PTO. I save it up and take a staycation* of four or five days perhaps every three months. *This is my only concession to corporate speak. The rest is vapid rubbish which I cringe to hear.
Try Vedic Meditation and CE-5 Meditation to relax.
Thank you so much for posting this. As someone with depression our culture of toxic positivity makes it so much worse. This message needs to be heard. This meant a lot to me.
And I've found that it actually makes my sadness and depression *worse* because I'm trying to *prove* to people that thinking positive doesn't work for me and never will because they wouldn't LISTEN TO ME.
My inlaws side rejects negativity to an extreme. Once my mother in law told me some positive quip when I was going through something, and I was upset. After I hung up the phone, the Bible verse came to me, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fufill the law of Christ." This is what we are supposed to do. My husband even was warned not to cry at his own sister's funeral. We are supposed to lift each other up!
Thanks for sharing Ophelia, I appreciate your comment. Mental health is a team sport and I hope we do lift each other up more.
your inlaws might be a little coocoo.
@@RagingInsomniac yeah there's some narcissism
Religious BS is as bad as toxic positivity
I started watching this video because I kept hearing the words "toxic positivity", first from my older sister and then here and there through various inputs.. no one really explaining it in a way that was making sense to me. It wasn't until about 4:40 seconds in, when he says, "being positive as I'd come to understand it, meant completely avoiding the problem and focusing only on the good" it clicked in my mind the "reality" of this happening being called "toxic positivity" -- thanks for sharing! Totally makes more sense now! I don't think I need to listen anymore. xD
"good vibes only" kind of people downvoted this video :D
Jokes aside though this was a very helpful talk, I wish more "positive" people could try to understand that telling someone who is going through a hard time they should be thankful, is not only not helpful but straight up damaging even further.
This makes me cry. I once told a guys I liked about my bad day and my eating disorder, he said ‘ good vibes only’ that moment my heart broke
smack them the next time they open their mouth
Then when people k1ll themselves, it's,"Why didn't they tell someone what they were going through?"
Watching this in 2022 was heart wrenching. People need to shame this more in the public eye.
Yup. Toxic positivity will keep you in a jacked up relationship too. Be smart. I'm starting over again and being realistic this time...... Thanks for your speech
Love this so much.
I grew up in a household where negative emotions were constantly silenced and I never understood why I would have relationship problems and I would often lash out in anger even though I was trying to "just be positive". I am now allowing myself time to work through all my emotions and it is the most liberated I've ever felt.
So, so, so true! I am a therapist and a coach and I find it hard to hear the level of experiential avoidance encouraged in pop culture and in the coaching space. I feel like a rebel when I stand up and tell people to feel all their feelings and not turn away from the difficult thoughts and feelings. I'm fairly sure I'll lose people over saying so but it's so important to get the message out about the stuff that really works to improve people's wellbeing in the long run. Thanks for spreading this message to millions of people!
I left a support group because when I explained to them how debilitating depression was, they said "you sure seem to say 'can't' a lot" and that I should put "positive affirmations around my mirror". I got EXTREMELY ANGRY and started shaking and crying.
I will never forget one day while I was in a long term relationship of 5 years unknowingly with a narcissist. I had been raising a couple of beautiful finches and I was very attached to them. One of them died suddenly and I was heartbroken. I told this to my then-boyfriend, (the narcissist), and he said I ruined his day and said this to me over the phone: "I only want to talk and be around happy people today." He hung up the phone on me. I cried afterwards in grief over my poor little bird and the fact that this person who supposedly loves me just didn't give a damn whatsoever about my feelings. To this day I am sick to my stomach that I ever dated him and put up with all of his BS. Love is truly BLIND for some of us.
I can relate. I had someone up and leave me because I “bummed him out” over a cancer scare that I had. Even when it turned out to not be cancer, he said he couldn’t handle me. He even went as far to say that I was a burden to people because of the way I behaved. Sheesh…
That's abuse. I had a boyfriend who behaved similarly.
Love this. In an age where services and organisations are increasingly scared of liability, and people are losing the art of storytelling and story hearing....if I can be there for one person each day in an authentic way and allow someone to be who they are, where they're at , then I feel like I've made a difference. And when i find someone like you in my day when i need it i appreciate it so much.
Great work, thank you!!!!!
Thank you so much, I really appreciate this comment; Thank you!
Wow!! Really I thought only I felt awkward and frustrating when people were trying to counsel me to be positive which lead me into depression, panic attacks. It's ok to get through each emotion step by step n not bombard with positivity vibes.
Yup! We've got to start educating others about how their language impacts us. Even though people are generally well-intentioned, they may not know that they are harming us if we don't tell them. I hope we have the courage to have more of these conversations.
You are definitely not the only one ♥️
I actually hate when people tell me to be grateful. They don’t know my pain.
@@aybaybay5432 so true.. we know what hardships we are going through and yes it's tough...
I feel terrible because I pretty much actively turn down positivity because I feel the people who try to get me to do it are crazy, but it definitely made me worse until I admitted i wanted to die accidently.
"All vibes Welcomed"
:)
Not when they ignore reality.
what true heads say:
you ain't a sailor if you can only handle calm seas
I am so happy that I just learned about Toxic Positivity. Yes All Vibes Welcome!! I just lost a friendship that wasn't good because now I realize that this person had toxic positivity. All I wanted to hear was I am your friend and I care. I got nothing during. Hurt. Be he is so right. People that say all good vibes all positive vibes even myself are hurting. You have to address the mental issue. I have seeing Therapist and getting closer to my faith. Like he said you broke your arm just be happy. Doesn't work that way. Blessing Mahmoud this is just what I needed. I thought I was toxic, but actually I was addressing my truth.
I've had friends who exhibited toxic positivity. I wasn't allowed a bad mood in front of them no matter what had happened to me. But I wasn't also allowed to exhibit positive emotions in front of them such as excitement and awe. Toxic positivity leads to naivety and being gullible. While pessimism leads to inaction as you see no point in making an effort optimism also leads to inaction as you think nothing needs to be done to achieve a desired outcome.
My friend Taylor has panic attacks. I told her I knew what she felt because I had them too when I was younger. It feels like pure fear. The fear you experience when you know you're about to die. All you want to do is go home and pray to God it will go away. I remember one panic attack she had at our campsite. I believed she was only doing it for attention by how frequent it was. I never knew what it really felt until I experienced it myself later on. I never told her in person, but in my mind I dismissed her thinking she was overreacting. She told me thank God that someone knew what it felt like because many people only dismissed her and wouldn't acknowledge it. Later on, while I was talking on the phone, I told her how awful it is in California. And I couldn't wait to move back in two weeks. After the phone call, my parents told me I would drive her away with my negativity and that I should only talk good vibes. I'm a genuine person. I love listening to problems and speak my mind. I don't think anyone is human if all you feel is happiness.
I had a friend that I confided in. I told her that I had really bad depression and struggled with the thought of suicide. She laughed and starting calling me "emo boy". I quit talking to her.
I've been using this term for years! Thanks for your talk, more people need to realise how damaging toxic positivity can be!
I recovered from mental illness in NYC in the eighties. Then I moved upstate to a community with good family values and positivity. Took 30 years to figure out what happened to my mental health. In NYC it was okay to say you came from a hellish background. It was okay to say something really sucks.
I’m from NYC but moved to the south and the suburbs. Went back to visit a few months ago and literally asked my mom “you actually let me born here” 😂 there’s so much beauty and creativity but to live there would wreck my mentality I know it.
I can relate 1 million times to what you say. It does hurt so bad when your dying inside and someone trivializes it by saying just be positive. As if I choose depression.
I still watch this video on really hard days.
I survived a toxic positivity environment back home, and found a partner that was patient and helped work with me to find answers for my past.
I have had a fairly difficult life. Without going into too much detail, I suffered a lot of child abuse and was surrounded by friends and family who toxic positivity "vibe check" type attitudes.
During COVID, struggling to stay off the streets, my grandfather had recently passed away, with undiagnosed burdens in my early 30s, and I was still being told the same thing.
I had a very similar story emotionally. And I almost killed myself as well from the pressure of feeling like I can't add up.
Just this last year, I was diagnosed with ASD, general anxiety disorder, PTSD, and conversion disorder. I'm entering my 3rd semester in community college right now with a 4.0, and I'm turning my life around.
I wish I could thank you in person for getting this message out there. ❤
This is one of the best Ted talks I’ve ever heard and related to
Fantastic Mahmoud! Beautiful presentation. And spot on, in the era of social media when so many people seem to be advertising their “perfect” life online.
Thank you! 🤍
Amazing. Thank you so much. I grew up around people who enforced others to keep up toxic “positivity” and I felt so alienated when I was growing sick of it. Yet, I did not know anyone who spoke out about it or was even aware it was potentially harmful in the long term. I agree with when you said there is a grey line because I felt the only options were for me to be 100% stable and happy all the time or a complete depressed psychopath, which are unrealistic expectations. Things are more complex than that. So, again, thank you and I hope this video gets a lot more views in the future
When people pass down Toxic Positivity and invalidating people's emotions it becomes a culture. "All emotions are valid." And need to recognized as such. "Every emotion serves a purpose." However, some emotions are not appropriate for modern times. My ancestors were vikings. And it would have serious repercussions if i were battle axe my boss's head off over a work dispute. if i had a job that is. Please stay Covid-19 free and watch out for Covid-21 it's breaking out in China. Prepare for the next wave. Peace ☮️.
@@angelinarobert622 Oh yeah totally interesting point to bring up. Not every emotion should dictate one’s actions, but rather should at least be acknowledged and known how to be dealt with rather than bury it and ignore it all the time.
I think telling someone "be positive" is the most negative condescending thing to say when they are already drowning in their misery.
I like the "i dont know what to say, but im glad you came to me and told me this" comment.
I am the shoulder for people to cry on for much of my life and have become burnt out on empathizing with others. Sometimes i would rather tell people to leave me be and talk to a therapist. But then if i say "i am going through something right now, i can't be what you need me to be," i am rude and uncaring. There seems to be no middle road answer
That should be a reasonable answer. It's impossible to give what you don't have. By pretending to have the emotional and mental energy for the darkness others are struggling with, a person can really hurt both themselves and the people they intended to help. If you truly can't help someone yourself then you can't help someone yourself, whether that be because of burnout, personal issues, or a general inability to handle other people's emotions in a helpful way. These are difficult conversations to have but they need to happen. You could help people by directing them to someone who's well equipped to help the person in need. But if you can't do that either then you can't do that either. No one can be equipped to handle any situation thrown at them. You probably know this anyway but I just felt the need to say it anyway.
Honestly I can't STAND these type people and Facebook is FULL of them!
We cannot experience real positive emotions unless we know what sadness, grief and anger feels like. All emotional states whether positive or negative make up the human condition, so only focusing on positivity inhibits our mental state to acknowledge the struggles which lead to recovery!
I hate people who ignore the pain of others, just saying ‘stay positive’ 🙄 so annoying, always leave that people and don’t be friends with them, they really don’t care about you.
Thank you for this. It really hurts when you are forced to live in denial and are called a brat. I understand. It's always important to acknowledge our own emotions. At least one should be true to oneself. Understanding oneself and caring for oneself is very important.
There are so many cliches that are lies. For example, you can do anything you put your mind to. BS. No way that should be preached. That only sets someone up for great disappointment when their goal isn't achieved. What should be taught is that there are no guarantees in life, but you have to give it your very best effort in order to best achieve your goals. Also, passionate goals aren't passionate if it causes stress along the way. It should be fun, without pressure, and without expectations.
I'm really glad to hear this talk. I've been going through some really rough things lately, mostly multiple family bereavements, losing my father, 5 aunties and uncles, then my beloved soul mate cat to cancer, and then a letter from my landlord saying he wants to raise my rent approx £200 next year which I'd struggle to afford. I was suicidal after all of the bereavements, and had started to feel better when I got that letter. I have been quite shocked at some of the things so called friends have said to me. One was impatient and critical that I've not set up my business yet, ignoring the fact that I had been struggling with intense grief and had been suicidal. She means well and wants to see me succeed but he words were harsh, cold and painful. Another family member seems to have had therapy and she now refuses to acknowledge anything negative at all. Life is full of ups and downs, sometimes life is terrible. It's ok to feel utterly wretched. Just don't sit in that place for too long, feel it and once you feel you can, make a plan of action. I've felt better alone as I can be a better friend to myself than my old friends who have never suffered much so can't empathise with what some of us have had to go through.
I'm sorry to hear about your bereavements. I empathise, i lost my mum a year ago and my elderly dog is on the decline and I have toxic positivity around me xx
"Act positive". Wow, thanks, I'm cured.
My boyfriend is the good vibes only and it’s frustrating. Today i felt so alone I considered Suicide again but this video helped me calm down a little. It’s ok to be sad and not be happy, i just need to feel better
I am so sorry to hear what your going through 💔. Thank you for sharing ❤
i hope you are still alive and doing well.
I hope that either you found better or he learned to do better since this post. ❤
@@cyrusstark1435 we are no longer together because he is not the best at confronting everything
@@vcrfuneral_ I am so glad that you have survived through all of those tough times, and are present with us today. There is great strength in you, I really hope you take the time to recognise this. Please keep on taking action for whatever is better for, and prioritises, your wellbeing. I hope you are in a better place, sending you much love
Exactly...The "positive" facade. That's right what it is. You can't have left without right, up without down, and none of us can be positive all of the damned time. You and I have got to discuss and talk about the negative stuff too. It's a balance of contradictions that we have to deal with.
Exactly 👍🏻 , we won't be able to appreciate the positivity if we don't experience the negativity
@@Keepit-nq3id Well said, everything is a contradiction, just like my channel here...SBN RESONATE
This really resonates with me. I consider myself a fairly positive person. But toxic positivity made me suppress so many emotions that it now takes a real shock for me to be able to cry. I’m blind, and that has caused me to feel really isolated in school. I’ve never had real friends, and even though that doesn’t really bother me any more, it just really sucks sometimes. My mom has this be positive mentality. When I cry, she tells me to be strong. I’m in my school orchestra and sometimes I couldn’t play with the group for no other reason than being blind, and it just hurts, and I’m supposed to be strong. My mom is very supportive at a surface level, but I can never have an emotional conversation with her. I don’t remember her saying any of the phrases you mentioned, and even if she does, a minute later she tells me to be strong. This might not really fall into the idea of toxic positivity, but my mom also has the fixer mentality. School is lately causing my mental health to spiral down hill, and she keeps telling me that there’s always a solution. I don’t know how to tell her that mental health doesn’t work this way. I can’t talk to her about emotions, because she only wants to fix. She never truly listens. I feel really ungrateful saying this because she is supportive. She just doesn’t know how to listen.
It just feels so unbelievably good when someone says one of the things you mentioned at the end. Thanks a lot for this talk
This is exactly why I don't want to be friends with optimists because they cannot handle anything, honest or anything real. Everything has to be sugar coated constantly. Therefore, if I'm having a rough time and I need advice or help or just someone to talk to, it becomes a, "Things could be worse!". Um, okay? And? How does that change the situation I'm in? So if I'm being verbally abused every day. I should be grateful that I'm not being tortured too??
Inside out the movie is an amazing example of toxic positivity. Where happiness is always perceived as a great thing, while Sadness and depression is seen as bad.
This is deep. Be aware of your mental health even more than your physical. More people suffer mentally than any other cause of disability.
What I understood in toxic positivity is to question myself if I ever say positive things, is it real or is it just blocking an emotion?
100%!
when people say "i dont need that negative energy around me" or "cheer up" or "you're fine" or "just look at the bright side" or "why are you so negative" or "just be happy for me, just because youre doing bad, doesnt mean you need to dampen my mood. youre responsible for your own happiness" it really makes you just more cynical and circulates the negative energy even more. the last one is definitely valid in some cases, when someone is purposely making their struggles a competition and not allowing someone to feel happy, but at the same time, true happiness also depends on how real and genuine the support around you is. its not like comparing positive and negative experiences is only detrimental to the person who is experiencing the positive feelings. if positive vibes exist in everyone, then negative ones do too. if happiness is so easily curated within the self, then that means it can easily be a mask for something deeper, whether its insecurities or suppressing negativity.
my teacher mentor kept telling me to "cheer up" everyday when i was struggling, and when she came to me one day and criticised my engagement with the kids, i snapped. i took the day off the next day with full blown panic attacks constantly keeping me awake at night. she felt soooo guilty for it, and on monday, she apologized and talked through it with me, actually acknowledging my pains and struggle with anxiety. i really appreciated it, because no one has ever done that before. she didnt let the negativity circulate and grow anymore, she acknowledged it and empathized, and it made me finally able to move on. i compare this to how my mom would ignore my panic attacks and constantly attack me with her toxic positivity and anticonflict attitude. it was an insane breath of fresh air.
You felt a genuine connection. It takes a genuine person to build that (two genuine people, at least).
I used to work part time at my school, and this is exactly what happened to me, I was an introvert and talking to people was a requirement. When I was talking to people I try to keep a good conversation going but I always hide my feelings and just act like we are just conversing. I always felt stressed after going home and I actually didn't know why, I always went home and said. I should have said this differently to make him feel good. I should have a more positive attitude. I was always apathetic and never consider my own feelings. Currently I been trying to open up more and been improving in not only conversation but also mentally. Good luck everyone.
To me your message was beautiful and extremely important, I too sick of hearing toxic positivity.
Positivity ignores about 80% of what really happens in "life". Period.
As someone with a chronic, painful, degenerative illness I am so sick of toxic positivity. Even people who know this "helpfully" tell me they hope I get better soon. It could be worse etc. Doctors are sometimes the worst. I see this as a form of victim blaming. If you have a better attitude then you will feel less pain. Ahhhhhh! 😠
i have diabetes and people always try to tell me how to feel😡….i hate when people tell others how to deal with things that they have never experienced. I hope you are doing okay.
Ik bs
@@rufuscross3884 I agree
Validation of reality is positive. These ppl are negative and selfish because they refuse to validate.
Validate and Calibrate sound similar. It's balance
This is crazy I’ve never heard of toxic positivity. Such a a great t talk ! I appreciate it . Learned lots
I was at a taping of Hardball with Chris Matthews when Ralph Nader was on in 2000. They said people could ask questions if they lined up, which they did. Right before the show starts, they bring in ringers to put at the front of the line to make Nader supporters look like idiots. Brought them right to the front of the line. I stood up and yelled out, they're choosing who gets to ask questions, don't let them get away with it. This was right after a Nader rally in Madison, Wisconsin, and everyone in the audience practically had come directly from the rally up State St to the Orpheum. Immediately, some guy up in the balcony yells back at me, "Keep it positive, bro," and the whole audience started clapping at the fact he shouted me down. And these are the "radicals."
What a wonderful thing that you gave this talk Mahmoud! False positivity creeps into our lives unnoticed, yet it has an immense affect on how you feel. Every single time I hear someone at a workplace say "come out of your comfort zone" I feel like someone's reaching out for a gun to kill me (and some other ppl ofc).
I personally think a lot of people who give advice such as staying positive actually just don’t have the capacity to deal with or don’t want to deal with others problems. It’s a sad truth. I’m open to all the spectrum of emotions. Life is about polarity. A battery cannot work without negative and positive. Thank you for this talk ❤
I'm a realist and an overcomer simply by doing my very best. Not necessarily winning or happy 24/7 but simply authentic and hopeful.
I saw toxic positivity during pandemic, when people were dying and losing livelihood and others were celebrating clean air and fluffy clouds.
wiah. this helped me a lot. it actually is SUCH good advice. thanks man
Thank you, so glad to hear that! :)
Thank you, Mahmoud. You are a hero. This is so powerful.
I definitely know firsthand myself. I felt very guilty and ashamed for feeling everything that wasn't just happy thoughts 100 percent of the time. The other emotions are all part of the same equation. It's a matter of balancing them out together and not pretending they don't exist.
this is so true. But I also get why people, including myself show toxic positivity because when you’re used to suffering, mentally, if you’re empathetic or highly sensitive, you start absorbing someone’s negative emotions and then that just attacks onto your suffering, thinking about their suffering, and it feels like, a defense mechanism to automatically try to just think positive. But bringing this term to the surface is very important. This is helping me become more aware!
This deserves millions of views, not it is even necessary!
This should have millions of views! I guess the "Positivity Patrol" think it is negative to watch a video with contrary views.
I’ve been saying this for years! Good job!
Thank you Kelly! :) It takes all of us for a movement to happen. Please continue speaking your truth for years to come.
Mahmoud Khedr ❤️
@@mahmoudkhedr2480 Wonderful talk. Empathy and not sympathy, slight difference in spelling, but huge difference in meaning.
I never knew this term existed until my therapist told me that is what I was suffering from .This was a great speech thanks.
I think the more we express our feelings and process it the less we hide it inside that negativity and suffocating energy so I really liked this ted talk cause i really hate toxic positivity and how people invalidate our feelings because someone “supposedly” is going through worse
I hate how society is nowadays. All the time I'm on Facebook or whatever, everything is happy happy happy bright bright bright positive positive positive!!!! And if it's not, it gets treated like it has leprosy. I HATE the world today. I want to go back to like 2003 when people were cynical, sarcastic, critical, real, deep, smarter, darker, accepting and encouraging to be different and think critically..... All those traits are GONE and NOT allowed. It is killing me.
Not just "it", YOU get treated like you have leprosy if you're anything other than hysterically cheerful. You end up having to debate whether you should really keep hiding how unhappy you are for fear of being ostracized for your "negative energy" or just go it alone and not have to fake anything.
Your choice to be on that site and not replace it w walking outside and bettering yourself.
Nothing social about social media
I made an alt account where I can be myself so fortunately this is not the case anymore
This was so good and profound. I am so glad to see more people are talking about how harmful it can be. What a wonderful TedTalk!! Thank you!
My parents refuse to address my problems and help me get through them because of their toxic positivity mindset. They think it's natural that I shouldn't be getting hang up because I have sleeping problems or lack of love and affection because other people have worse problems. I sent this video to my family and I really hope they actually watch this and realize that they're not helping.
I like that I keep finding videos like this. You cannot truly enjoy the good things if your are always finding the silver lining in the bad things in your life. It just throws your emotions out of balance. All you do you really become less resilient and mentally capable of coping with adversity. You learn to handle adversity and tragedy by accepting and processing your emotions and then you hopefully learn from it and become a stronger person. I totally get where he is coming from because my parents did the same thing of "think about other people who are worse off than you" which to me is just a way of saying "who cares about your problems?"
But then be careful of the other extreme side:
Addiction to negative emotions.
That’s valid but denial of suffering prolongs suffering, I was “addicted” to negative emotions, my adrenals are still shot. The one thing I know is that expressing the negative emotions has helped me re-train my brain. “Emotions are data, not directives.”
@@Greatspangledfrittilary 100% thanks for your comment Alyssa :)
I agree with you Elias. We have to balance the two sides. Over-obsession on either side is harmful.
If a man is sitting on fire, we don't tell him how dangerous is to sit on ice. Although sitting on ice, if you see it detached from the given scenario, is itself very dangerous. Rather talking about how dangerous is it to sit on ice will do more harm than good to him.
"Addiction to negative emotions." You mean, depression. It's not an addiction, it's a mental illness and to call it an addiction (as if it's a choice) negates a person''s suffering.
Suppress any feelings that injure your mental health in the long run.
Thank you sir for such acknowledging TED Talk 👏
One of the best, most helpful TedTalks I've ever heard.
My sister has recently became too optimistic compared to her being realistic towards everything put in front of her. It’s so hard to talk about my emotions or to reason with her. We were both molested by the same uncle at different ages. Me younger and her mid teens. But to her everyone deserves help no matter what they have done… it never crossed her mind that he is still a danger to our nieces and nephews.. she doesn’t listen that these are sick ppl that do not change and she “looks at the bright side” saying he “might have changed,” we don’t know if he continued these tendencies,” he’s family “. “Our family deserve our help” :(
Finally. Someone who gets me. I’m glad you are still here. Sending you a grateful hug that you shared this.
Thank you for saying what I've always felt and couldn't express.💗
Positivity is great to a certain level. Once you cross that wall, nobody knows if you would survive the fall on the other side. Spread love ❤️
honest, thought provoking, thanks for sharing your experience. Keep going man, excited to see what you do next!
Wow serious life takeaways here! Thanks for sharing your experience and truly helping others🙂
Thanks so much Brittney. Glad it resonated. :)
It’s okay to not be okay
love this talk ❤personally I've learned that you have to let yourself sink in to your feelings and feel ok with not feeling ok sometimes ( or all the time ) and that it's not about trying to suppress negativity and force positivity it's about letting yourself be whatever you are but also welcome positivity. like a diet , it's not about shoving out bad foods of your diet but about welcoming good foods and letting the good push out the bad by itself if that makes sense ?
Makes a lot of sense, love your analogy Janette. Thanks for your comment :)
I've been a pessimist since childhood and found most optimists to be hokey & phony. That's why every time I felt someone is being annoying, I called them an optimist instead of a pest. -_-
Both are bad
I completely agree with the first part (just haven't called annoying people optomist) and it made my situation worse because I spent so much time rejecting it I forgot what normal positivity is.
@@lolucorn1 I'd suggest being selectively optimistic rather than some starry-eyed doughhead.
Lol
the "it's fine" dog in the fire comic is a good example of toxic positivity
This is a very, very good talk! Exactly that what we needed
No to forced happiness 😤 / Yes to Authenticity 💐
Some people really think that “happiness” is the only mood we should stay in. It’s not true. We are human beings and real life is harsh.
Cute quote from the movie The Wind Rises: “The wind is rising, we must try to live.”
Facts
One of the most underrated talks. Negativity is a mayor issue too, and screaming that were doomed to everything isn´t better.
Thank you! I totally agree with you - we have to find a balance between the two. Complaining and being negative all the time is not the solution either.
Thanks for bringing this topic up it needs to be discussed and addressed. Toxic Positivity is always in your face and rammed down your throat on social media. Toxic Positivity is for the one who speaks it speaks it for their own comfort because they're not empathetic and they cannot "read the air/atmosphere" . Trust me, empathy can be a double edged sword one edge towards your enemy, one edge towards yourself. if your best friend suffers from anxiety and you're feeling "his pain" it's not good, but it can save a life. i don't think of emotions as a binary system of Positive Emotions and Negative Emotions. i think of emotions as Organic chemicals that flow in mixes and gradients of feelings. If others thought that way, they'd make life easier others, instead of harder.
Very good. Love it !!
Just be your true self. Be what you are meant to be. Don't be anything else.
Authenticity is gold. Agree with you!
Completely meaningless statement for me. This statement is a great example of what toxic positivity is. First of all, have you defined what "your true self" means? And what or who are you meant to be? And is being "your true self" equal to what you are meant to be? Or can it be different? And how do you know that your true self is not actually the problem and that you should improve and better your true self?
Dirk Hoekstra In other words, just be your realist self.
Accept that life is a classroom and life experiences are your teachers. Each experience is teaching yourself something.
We all get bad experiences like loss of careers, financial ruins, loss of loved ones, betrayal by false friends, breakups, etc. What we do with them? We just to cope, get on with living and struggle, no matter how difficult that may be to you.
In everyday life, I struggle with losses and regrets and I pray always. Sometimes, I find compensations in life. I never harbour thoughts of suicide and I try my best to resist bad feelings toward others.
Whatever is impossible or unreachable in life, I just push off, move on and get on with living. You can do the same. In whatever sphere where I feel worthless and unbelonged, I simply push off, go elsewhere or be on my own. Meanwhile, I keep myself preoccupied with readings, studies, skill training, hobbies, etc. I just keep making myriad self-improvements.
Thank you thank you thank you for this TED talk! If you knew how much I can relate to your story....Invalidating people's emotions, shaming them, blaming them, gaslighting can KILL PEOPLE. I''m sure many suicides are related to this very topic. Thank you for standing up and having the courage to denounce our toxic society norms.
Very important insight, thank you, Mr. Khedr!
Thank you!
In Islam, it's called "tawazun", means balance. All humans need balance in every single aspect in their lives, including when they're dealing with emotions. Emotions are gifts from Allah (God). Embrace them, and make balance of them.