*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice *Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership *Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com *Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2 *Have a question for me to answer on RUclips? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
The hardest part is when you're healing, and know what's going on but literally cannot afford to live alone without your narcissistic husband. People say if you really want to leave you can. However, I'm 69 yrs old and chronically ill due to childhood trauma and 20 years of trauma with him. I also have 14 rescue dogs that I won't abandon. I would definitely leave if I could and continue to reach out for help, but have no close family or friends. After watching your channel for years, I just got my membership to CCF on the 3rd. I'm hoping that more healing will help me find a way out of this. Do not know what I would do without you. Such gratitude 💙
Welcome to the Member side! I send you my love and sincere hope that the healing you are undertaking will make a happy difference for you. Perhaps I'll see you on a coaching call soon?
Leaving is a privilege that those who have never experienced coercive abusive often take for granted. They do not want to admit to their own vulnerability. There is always something that we can do, but leaving isn't always it. It takes some survivors ten years to save up enough money to get out. Do not buy into their uneducated opinions, don't allow it to put you down more. They're not going to give up their own illusions of protection from harm, to be able to empathize meaningfully with a friend. Maybe in a sort of support group, you might find more people who get it. It's important to have someone who sees your world.
I understand, I had to move in with my Narcissistic sister when I separated from my husband in 2020 - due to financial restraints- it was brutal, almost broke me near the end (2yrs), I wish I'd known of this channel as a resource as it is so respectful & yet informative, as you mentioned you are aware- that in itself is a huge shift in regards to establishing your sovereignty , I wish you self compassion at this moment in your life- sending you a big hug 💕, be gentle on yourself, you had the courage to share your story here with us 🌷
This was a big lesson for me toward the end of 2024. I am absolutely starved for love, connection, and attention, most of all my OWN. I have continually abandoned my inner child along with current me for far too long. I’m both grateful and heartbroken to be learning this at 48, but here I am and that’s ok.
This reminds me of a story a therapist told me when i was 18: When an elephant in a circus has been chained since a baby, it learns to stop trying to leave even though, when big, the elephant is much more powerful now.
@@jerobarraco exactly, it's learned helplessness, thank you for naming it 🙌 It's like with demons, when you know their name there's a real chance to break free 💯💕 ✍️🙏🧘♀️❣️ and that's what i do in real time with the last abuser and it's healing to go through and get the freedom to refuse to do what i don't want to 💯💕😂🙌🥳🧚♀️🫂
Finally! This so aptly describes my relationship with my sister. Craving approval, the underhanded insults, building me up, being cruel in front of others. That horrible longing for a shred of attention is not love. Thank you! I finally understand.
I went the opposite way with it. If anyone pulled that crap on me-that was me out the door in an instant. I recognized abusive behavior and loved myself enough to cover the people who didn’t and just left the scene before things got worse. I have firm boundaries. If someone is a boundary stomper, I’m gone. It worked out really well because I have an insanely good happy marriage because I made sure I had someone who actually loved and respected me before I committed to it fully. I’m very protective of my heart-not just anyone gets it. They must earn and deserve it. And I do not take that for granted when it happens, I give as good as I get. This year was year 29 with a very good man, and our last grown up baby just left home. After we recovered a bit from empty nester syndrome (whaaaa! Our last BABY! Boo hoo, miss the kids 😢😂) we collected ourselves and we’re rediscovering each other all over again and bonding yet again. There will be no mid life crisis or break ups-just two older wiser lovers rekindling things and finding our next steps in this stage of life.
@@macylouwho1187 do you see how lucky you are ? I wished it would have at least learned me to avoid them... But didn't and i was telling me that i would never let anyone hurt me and couldn't keep that promise, the shame was huge and i couldn't trust my self that's why i was single most of the time, till i fall in limerence for one of those.... Have to stop writing about it, begging to feel really bad.... I needed to share, but it's enough, don't like to talk about.... Give me head pain 🤯
I cannot belive the amazing timing of this video. I left an abusive marriage and was single for 9 years working on myself. I ended up with a guy i had a crush on in high school. Everything was amazing and i thought this was my reward for doing all that work. Only to find 18 months down the line I'm in the same situation of a trauma bond. Any time I try to voice something that is bothering me I get stonewalled, affection withdrawal, not replying to messages for hours, showing no concern or desire to fix things. Its only just dawned on me that its a trauma bond all over again. Im so sad, I really love this guy. But I did all that work to be ok on my own and to see red flags (even if it took me a while) I don't want to have to constantly worry that Ive done something or if I dont do the thing he wants me to hes going to withdraw to punish me. I badly needed this video today. Thank you Anna, you make the unseen feel so seen
You're GREAT Anna!!! You don't need to be a trained "therapist", per se, you KNOW the information from experience, by heart, and best of all, how to escape it.... More so than many so called "therapists". Thank you, thank you, thank you.... I've learned how much I damaged my daughter, something I NEVER thought I'd do. I didn't realize how damaged I was....
It's my New year's resolution this year to break free from my trauma bond to my "best friend" of ten years. I'm chronically ill and disabled and have no other close ties I can rely on and am trapped in this oppressive environment, so it's going to be one Hell of a struggle to do it, but I have to, or I'll never be healthy and happy. Even my New Year's celtic cross I did a couple days ago spelled out in no uncertain terms, that if I don't Change (Death) this aspect of my life and break free, I will continue to stagnate for yet another year. And I refuse that. But god it's so scary to think about when right now I have nothing. Thank you for posting this when you did. It was validating and I feel a little more motivated to begin
Thank you, Anna. I managed to finally break free from two bad "friendships" in recent years. It took a lot of effort and it was incredibly painful, but I'm finally okay. I'm free. Now I'm working towards maintaining myself and preparing for better relationships in the future if the opportunity presents itself. I don't have intense emotions towards anyone anymore and I take things very slow now. I'm so happy with my progress ) :)
People with borderline personality disorder are great at creating and maintaining trauma bonds. If you had a BPD in your family, you may not recognize it for what it is. It can seem familiar or normal.
Anna, I found this brilliant! I took lots of notes and looked up "trauma bonding" to learn more. I love that your presentation of a trauma bond can describe either an outright abusive relationship or a relationship where there is no clear "bad guy" and "victim". After all, the point is not so much to point fingers, but for people who are used to trauma bonding to break that pattern and find real connection instead. Thanks for this clarity and compassion.
My trauma bonding occurred in my family of origin, by a parent. Narcissistic family systems are sometimes imposed on children from an early age. NO CHOICE came into the picture until I was old enough to decide I was DONE scrabbling for his crumbs of love & attention.
Wow i loved the POW and chicken examples. It’s so cruel that we look at kids who desperately dance for attention with so much resistance and scorn. Teachers messed me up man. I’m convinced teachers cannot help but mistreat kids the way classes are set up. Just the law of big numbers. If you ever ask your grandparents, what they thought of kids in special ed you’ll hear some revealing stuff. Its as if the “lessers” were there to let the gifted ones know they’re special. We really haven’t gotten away from that, in my experience.
Sooooo agree! "Teachers" made my childhood/home life even worse. I cried for help, begged to be heard, and no one helped me. I didn't learn in that plandemic of institutionalized boxed "learning" and indoctrination. You are speaking truth and I agree
Thanks for talking about what it really is. Many just don’t understand. Trauma bond plays havoc in our emotions 😢 Thankfully with therapy it’s starting to set off an alarm in me instead of drawing me to someone.
❤ In my experience, this felt like an insane desire or drive to prove my worth. I could not let go of the feeling that I was not a worthy human being or women unless I pleased this abusive person. The deeper issue was that I never learned how to truly love myself no matter what the circumstance. It was a different lesson to learn and I'm still rebuilding to this day @ 51 years old.
Oh, I've gone no contact, with two friendships and family. With your videos and Patrick Teahan, I've learned a whole different way to live. My husband passed away several years ago, and i will never marry or date again. I like me without someone messing it up. Trauma Bond, not anymore, i walked and didn't shed a tear. I grew up with the Gaslight Effect, and i married the Gaslight Effect. Healing is the best thing, and I've been doing a lot of things for the past year that I've always wanted to do.
Wow. Anna, this needed to be explained to me or I would never have known. I suffered from many trauma bonding relationships since I was a baby, and maybe even have done it to another person as I got older, which sucks. I know why I hated it when my dad praised me, because it was part of the trauma bonding technique, whether he knew it or not. I was brainwashed by him for a long time. I also couldn’t have finished this video without getting massively triggered a year ago. I have been DP’ing and actively working on my healing, which has been tremendously contributing to my recovery from CPTSD, disorganized avoidance, and shutdwon mode. I really can’t thank you enough, and I mean it with all my heart. Thank you, Anna Runkle.
I thought it was really interesting what you said about trauma bonding being used as a torture tactic in POW camps. I'm wondering if you can be trauma bonded to a bad apartment building you just can't leave for some reason even though you have resources, a bad neighborhood, bad city, a hurtful therapist. I'd appreciate your insight into opening up this interesting concept.
just a feedback: wached already many videos from this channel but they never really matched my type of trauma or the consequences in a life of a 53 year old one, but after the videos of today and yesterday I slowly can "puzzle together" from your many views and aspects my own healing thoughts. Lost my job today and was mentally freezed for hours but now have an idea how to become capable of being active again: 1. accepting that I have trauma issues 2. naming them, concrete and if I have intens emotions naming my issues with a high frequency 3. saying to myself: I am worth to live with inner peace and without trauma specific panic feelings even if I experience some bigger problems like getting fired and bankrupted, I deserve to have just normal 😢feelings about this but without extreme trauma feelings
~My trauma has never matched what has been described on here, either~My Mom messed with my head~She did hit me when i was young, but it was the mind games that did the damage~It still goes on today, and still hurts me~This channel has helped me more than any of the years of therapy i did, tho!~All the best to you!~♡~
I got out of a very bad friendship years ago and it was nearly impossible to get out of. My sister for whatever reason idolized him and anytime I tried to cut the cord she would actively intervene to keep us together. All the things Anna mentioned happened just as she said they did. The household I grew up in was exactly the same where it was constant emotional abuse in the same vein where you would get all this unexpected praise and love and then on a dime they would criticise, humiliate and tell me how worthless I was. It was unpredictable that I would hang on to any little praise cause I knew it was not gonna last. Unfortunately I recognize that I am also the abuser by doing all the same things Anna mentioned. Withdrawing attention from a friend cause of a perceived slight, suddenly ghosting them and just not answering at all and then showing up again and telling them nothing was wrong just to hear them say how glad they were to see me. . I truly do hate myself for it . I am going to therapy and have been for the better part of 15 years but that behavior keeps coming up. I recognize that it usually happens when I am feeling bad about myself or I am under a lot of stress. These days I just take a breather and remind myself that they do not deserve to be treated like that. For that reason my circle of people I am close with is very small. They know about my issues and will call me out on it. I It's just better for my to be single rather than torture someone because I don't know how to regulate my emotions in a healthy way yet.
I encourage you to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It can help with getting regulated and it is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, (she uses it to this day!). Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Omg! No wonder I’ve given up! I have been thee scapegoat for my whole life. At 51 after complete burnout my Mums death, my bullies of past want to return, I hesitate. The pause, allowing me the answer. No way 😢
Sadly this dynamic is that of my family and being finally rejected was a blessing, the fact that i ended with abusive partner is more tricky and i want to put an end to it. Don't know if my male caregiver did study it, could be, because he behaved exactly the way someone would who wants my total submission or die .... It costed me my health to stay away from him and didn't spot " her ", how could i, no one talk about this type of abuse and i didn't know that i'm a survivor since around two years 😢 i suspected it, but didn't know and no one could understand me 🙏, it can be an almost invisible abuse till i knew how to see and it became obvious.... But i still see people who believe that they didn't had a real abuse, like others, even with a hard core cptsd and it brakes my hart 💔, knowing that pain and that it kills. No one would have see in my baby brother an abused child, but he was and hoped till his 24 years to be seen and than lost all will too live because they are not capable to see us, he killed him self and the caregivers were see as so empathetic to understand that a young and healthy man could suddenly wanting to die.... I didn't know and my other siblings couldn't brake the lie for they one sake and i was going under by my side, at least i survived and found healing, but to late to help him. I say that because for someone in an unhealthy dangerous relationship with a traumas bound is like a hostage and it's not enough to say that they must leave... It's not that simple, perhaps in the beginning but after... They make you their prisoner... I'm so grateful for people like Bessel Van der kork , who proved that the worst is the emotional abuses and they are present in all abuses... But when it's only emotional it's mostly ignored and survivors feel week, stupid, too sensitive it's about them and it's so hard, because they believe that there's no abuse and can't help each other 😢 and we are more common than people think, please don't forget us.....
Well said. Completely agree. Emotional neglect can take this form too. All it takes is a parent who's insecure and becomes controlling. Or one who's turned in on themselves, denying the existence of emotions while periodically exploding like a volcano. Or a parent who wants a comfortable existence, and spins their own preferences as being requirements of the other parent. Or a mix of all three, switching without warning and confusing the child.
@@louisehogg8472 thank you 🙏 You spot it 🙌 Yes when one or both parents believe that their kids don't deserve a better life and have to accept to make the same choices as the parents, no own life is allowed. We were told what to think how to feel, to be their personal re-regulating person and not allowed to be in a way they don't like without telling it, because it's the only truth possible and there for there's no reason to explain what everyone should see and believe. The reality did change in regards to their comfort and out rolls too... How not to go crazy and lose touch with reality, when no own talkes about the fact that this is highly toxic and when trying to share we where laughed at and told that we don't even know what having a problem means and that from many people, we were trapped in an invisible cult were the rules remains untold because of the core believe that there's no other reality, for them it was evidence and no need to explain an evidence... And of course we were divided so that it's easier to control us, the only way, because if we were allowed to really talk together we would have spot their lies... What kids do dream to be taken away for fast care ( don't know if i say it right, to become kids of society ), who dreams that it's not their real family, dream that the parents divorce... I didn't understand way it was said that divorce is painful for the kids, it wasn't for me.... It was a relief and the final rejection from the Ogre who pretends to be a father and i believed him till i didn't any more and what a blessing to not have him in my life, almost. I got into no contact because i could and got help from my siblings, i was so surprised 😯 but they refused to talk about... With here the only way to go no contact was to be rejected and i was because i put a boundary that did threat her entitlement and i was out and again the relief was strong and i took my chance without hesitation. It's now over a decade and even being in a toxic relationship i began to heal, even my body changed, was allowed to become feminine and my hip bones did grow larger, WOW the power i gave her because i couldn't do or say anything that could hurt her, i couldn't, my nervous system was trained for that.... But it's only a handful of years that i got validations that i was abused and how. What a revelation, it was not me, finally and i'm not guilty for having cptsd it was made to me 💕🥹 and i could see way i ended with the same type of persons, it was familiar and i exactly knew how to be and please them, even if it's not possible to please them it's the double lose, face i lose, number they winn and how easy it was to make me play that way, i was used to it.... For abusers i was ready to be abused and blind to it because the collectivity did not spot it as abuse and i couldn't be there for my siblings, till now.... At least i got healing and hope i can, for the first time be in a real connection with some of them, i hope, it doesn't belong to me 🙏 It's amazing how i succeeded to protect myself, i'm proud of my being, the unconscious that continued to grow out of sight till i got the informations to understand , thanks to amazing RUclipsrs who made an amazing teaching 🤩👏🥳 and i still learn how those people tic, it's like learning an other language, wow that way of thinking is twisted but it's a real thing and that makes them easy to spot and to understand and to get the power back for real and see how weak they are, but know i let them feel awful 🤩👏🥳 Thank you Anna for that one, love 💕 it, so simple to put in practice and with the daily practice, it's game over 🥳🧚♀️💕🥹 i'm so grateful for the daily practice i do use bright line eating mindset too root it and automatize it 🙌 ✍️🙏🧘♀️ it's so important and there for i give it sixe months of religious practices to root it and to practice the daily practice without a question, i just do it because without i'm good for nothing 💕🧚♀️🥹🙌❣️🤩🫂✍️🙏🧘♀️😴😂🎶
@@kellyschroeder7437 you can make it 🙌 I did, so you maybe can too, i pray that you do and it doesn't mean you have to change from one day to an other, baby steps works very well ❤️🩹 Hope you to break free 💯💕
I'm an a$$hole whisperer & a recovering people-pleaser-This video hits home!~ And I love chickens. This "business" was wicked, lazy and cruel!~FFS -NO.- just no. Thanks for this healing truth & information based on your experiences. This path of healing.. Thank You(s).
But why do they do it ?? What do they get out of hurting us this way. I am so broken I can’t stand any of this. I am too old now to even care I just want it all to stop. Why do they do it.
Thank you for this useful information that more people need to hear. Could you please share a link to the wonderful bumper music we hear at the end of every video? Thank you for all of your videos.
please could you do a vid or talk about how to get rid of the PTSD veil / glass that separates and disconnects you from the world. It is very much like derealization, perhaps it is just that. But would love to get rid of it because it is very disconnecting and distracting. It can visually see it too and i don't like it at all.
Here's one of Anna's videos on this topic you may find helpful: ruclips.net/video/KROwZFF0u1o/видео.html. Also, if you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Is there any healthy people to be in a healthy relationship with out there ? I think NOT. I Think NOT. Most people have had many toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships and it’s the norm not a rarity. For most people it starts with being happy and all so wonderful and it turns into a nightmare shortly or within the first few years at the most, to a point where people are questioning their entire existence and sanity.
I certainly agree that most folk have some degree of mess. Indeed, a traumatised person CAN likely only be understood by someone who's 'been there'. My current take, is that the best that can be managed, unless you are committed to being single permanently, is to prioritise both being brutally honest, and both being committed to keep working on yourselves. In theory at least, that should ensure companionship in the present and improvement as time goes on. And go very slowly on the practical entanglements, such as living together, sex, being financially dependent, children. That way if things do go wrong it's ONLY the emotional damage you have to work through, not total colonisation. In the 'UK', the analogy would be the 1603 both-crowns-on-one-head, not the 1707 abusive 'Union'.
From age 14 til 51 this has been most if not all of my relationships. Friends with benefits or boyfriend and girlfriend, but he was using me for something and wasn't all in. I've decided not to reach out, not lie to myself anymore, I'm accepted less and less and building boundaries. I'm in therapy and I don't respond right away to text and calls. I say no a lot. I text I'll let you know instead of just saying yes. When I think of him I tell myself he doesn't love me and he's never been here when I needed him. I'm working on other connections with family and friends. I've always been honest about the relationships with other people. Shamefully honest. It's like I was ruminating out loud. It's just going to take time.
I was groomed and sexually abused as a teenager. Then, years later, ended up being groomed and sexually exploited as an adult. This person subtly wormed their way in to my life under the guise of a 'friend,' and mentor, with what started out as friendly chat and joking around and then progressed to deeper conversations, them doing sweet and kind favours for me, showering me with compliments and offering gifts. I got confused and thought there was a romantic interest there. Looking back, I see how they used intermittent reinforcement to keep me hooked. He'd blow hot and cold, randomly be cold or rude at times, out of the blue, or subtly talk about moving overseas. Once I'd let my guard down and thought we were friends, the requests for things that I wasn't comfortable with came through... and everything spiralled from there. Took me years to get out because of the trauma bond (thankfully, Anna's wise words helped me to wake up) and, to this day, though l know the truth about who he is, a part of me still misses what I thought we had. Trauma bonds are messed up!
I'm 57. My 4th son was murdered 2 years ago. I was abandoned as a child. My mom won custody from the only person that loved me...then she left to live her life. My father didn't know. He learned when I was 20 and had his first grandson. He has tried to be a part of my life since. But interesting...I'm still so hollow even at my age. More so since my loss. I have a pattern of trying to love the people I find weren't loved in their lives...usually 20s. But, I keep getting used and abused from these people and I'm now not going to ever help or give love away anymore. I keep being tricked I feel. Embarrassing really.
Thank you for advice.. also In 2025 I highly recommend everyone read Your Life Your Game by Keezano. It beautifully shows how connecting with God and building meaningful relationships can lead to spiritual growth and success in both your personal and professional life. This book truly changed my life..a must-read.
There are people who love to play victim. They'll hear a story and immediately try to "Trauma Bond". Women do this much more than men. Example ; A woman gets on social media and says..... Her boyfriend cheated on her. Without any proof, it actually happened. You'll get a million women saying..... How it happened to them too and men ain't no good. That's "Trauma Bonding".
I’m so tired of people misusing the term “trauma bond”. I don’t think it’s intentional, but it’s an insult to those of us who have survived abuse and actual trauma bonds.
*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
*Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership
*Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com
*Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2
*Have a question for me to answer on RUclips? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy that's a good begging, worked for me 💕🧚♀️✍️🙏🧘♀️🫂🥳
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy and i'm ready too winn against the last narcissist in my close life 🧚♀️ it's over 🥳🤩❣️
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much 🌟
The hardest part is when you're healing, and know what's going on but literally cannot afford to live alone without your narcissistic husband. People say if you really want to leave you can. However, I'm 69 yrs old and chronically ill due to childhood trauma and 20 years of trauma with him. I also have 14 rescue dogs that I won't abandon. I would definitely leave if I could and continue to reach out for help, but have no close family or friends. After watching your channel for years, I just got my membership to CCF on the 3rd. I'm hoping that more healing will help me find a way out of this. Do not know what I would do without you. Such gratitude 💙
Welcome to the Member side! I send you my love and sincere hope that the healing you are undertaking will make a happy difference for you. Perhaps I'll see you on a coaching call soon?
You are so right- it's DEFINITELY not as easy as just leaving- I agree x
Sending you all the strength I can xxx
Leaving is a privilege that those who have never experienced coercive abusive often take for granted. They do not want to admit to their own vulnerability. There is always something that we can do, but leaving isn't always it. It takes some survivors ten years to save up enough money to get out. Do not buy into their uneducated opinions, don't allow it to put you down more. They're not going to give up their own illusions of protection from harm, to be able to empathize meaningfully with a friend. Maybe in a sort of support group, you might find more people who get it. It's important to have someone who sees your world.
I pray that you and your hounds are safe and protected always. ❤
I understand, I had to move in with my Narcissistic sister when I separated from my husband in 2020 - due to financial restraints- it was brutal, almost broke me near the end (2yrs), I wish I'd known of this channel as a resource as it is so respectful & yet informative, as you mentioned you are aware- that in itself is a huge shift in regards to establishing your sovereignty , I wish you self compassion at this moment in your life- sending you a big hug 💕, be gentle on yourself, you had the courage to share your story here with us 🌷
This was a big lesson for me toward the end of 2024. I am absolutely starved for love, connection, and attention, most of all my OWN. I have continually abandoned my inner child along with current me for far too long. I’m both grateful and heartbroken to be learning this at 48, but here I am and that’s ok.
I'll be 47 this month. I feel the same. I'm grateful becoming more aware but it's tough.
47 in february...on Valentine day 🤷 and I feel you.
The same thing here!
Same. 56 years young
This reminds me of a story a therapist told me when i was 18:
When an elephant in a circus has been chained since a baby, it learns to stop trying to leave even though, when big, the elephant is much more powerful now.
@@jerobarraco yes love that story and relate to it 🙌
Humans can be so cruel and think that's power, so wrong that's abuse
Yes its true... We have elephants in india...
Thank you :)
I think some people call it 'learned helplessness'.
@@jerobarraco exactly, it's learned helplessness, thank you for naming it 🙌
It's like with demons, when you know their name there's a real chance to break free 💯💕 ✍️🙏🧘♀️❣️ and that's what i do in real time with the last abuser and it's healing to go through and get the freedom to refuse to do what i don't want to 💯💕😂🙌🥳🧚♀️🫂
Finally! This so aptly describes my relationship with my sister. Craving approval, the underhanded insults, building me up, being cruel in front of others. That horrible longing for a shred of attention is not love. Thank you! I finally understand.
You're in the right place and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I went the opposite way with it. If anyone pulled that crap on me-that was me out the door in an instant. I recognized abusive behavior and loved myself enough to cover the people who didn’t and just left the scene before things got worse. I have firm boundaries. If someone is a boundary stomper, I’m gone. It worked out really well because I have an insanely good happy marriage because I made sure I had someone who actually loved and respected me before I committed to it fully. I’m very protective of my heart-not just anyone gets it. They must earn and deserve it. And I do not take that for granted when it happens, I give as good as I get. This year was year 29 with a very good man, and our last grown up baby just left home. After we recovered a bit from empty nester syndrome (whaaaa! Our last BABY! Boo hoo, miss the kids 😢😂) we collected ourselves and we’re rediscovering each other all over again and bonding yet again. There will be no mid life crisis or break ups-just two older wiser lovers rekindling things and finding our next steps in this stage of life.
@@macylouwho1187 do you see how lucky you are ?
I wished it would have at least learned me to avoid them... But didn't and i was telling me that i would never let anyone hurt me and couldn't keep that promise, the shame was huge and i couldn't trust my self that's why i was single most of the time, till i fall in limerence for one of those....
Have to stop writing about it, begging to feel really bad.... I needed to share, but it's enough, don't like to talk about.... Give me head pain 🤯
@@macylouwho1187 You're blessed!!
I cannot belive the amazing timing of this video. I left an abusive marriage and was single for 9 years working on myself. I ended up with a guy i had a crush on in high school. Everything was amazing and i thought this was my reward for doing all that work. Only to find 18 months down the line I'm in the same situation of a trauma bond. Any time I try to voice something that is bothering me I get stonewalled, affection withdrawal, not replying to messages for hours, showing no concern or desire to fix things. Its only just dawned on me that its a trauma bond all over again. Im so sad, I really love this guy. But I did all that work to be ok on my own and to see red flags (even if it took me a while) I don't want to have to constantly worry that Ive done something or if I dont do the thing he wants me to hes going to withdraw to punish me. I badly needed this video today. Thank you Anna, you make the unseen feel so seen
He's emotionally abusive.
It's not your fault..they hide it so well. I used to be with someone like that.. life is so much sweeter on the other side.
You're GREAT Anna!!! You don't need to be a trained "therapist", per se, you KNOW the information from experience, by heart, and best of all, how to escape it.... More so than many so called "therapists". Thank you, thank you, thank you.... I've learned how much I damaged my daughter, something I NEVER thought I'd do. I didn't realize how damaged I was....
It's my New year's resolution this year to break free from my trauma bond to my "best friend" of ten years. I'm chronically ill and disabled and have no other close ties I can rely on and am trapped in this oppressive environment, so it's going to be one Hell of a struggle to do it, but I have to, or I'll never be healthy and happy. Even my New Year's celtic cross I did a couple days ago spelled out in no uncertain terms, that if I don't Change (Death) this aspect of my life and break free, I will continue to stagnate for yet another year. And I refuse that. But god it's so scary to think about when right now I have nothing.
Thank you for posting this when you did. It was validating and I feel a little more motivated to begin
Thank you, Anna. I managed to finally break free from two bad "friendships" in recent years. It took a lot of effort and it was incredibly painful, but I'm finally okay. I'm free. Now I'm working towards maintaining myself and preparing for better relationships in the future if the opportunity presents itself. I don't have intense emotions towards anyone anymore and I take things very slow now. I'm so happy with my progress ) :)
Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Trauma bond can happen with a “friend” too 😢😢
This is so timely its almost incredible.
Also thanks so much for not adding distracting sounds and images.
People with borderline personality disorder are great at creating and maintaining trauma bonds. If you had a BPD in your family, you may not recognize it for what it is. It can seem familiar or normal.
Anna, I found this brilliant! I took lots of notes and looked up "trauma bonding" to learn more. I love that your presentation of a trauma bond can describe either an outright abusive relationship or a relationship where there is no clear "bad guy" and "victim". After all, the point is not so much to point fingers, but for people who are used to trauma bonding to break that pattern and find real connection instead. Thanks for this clarity and compassion.
My trauma bonding occurred in my family of origin, by a parent. Narcissistic family systems are sometimes imposed on children from an early age. NO CHOICE came into the picture until I was old enough to decide I was DONE scrabbling for his crumbs of love & attention.
Wow i loved the POW and chicken examples. It’s so cruel that we look at kids who desperately dance for attention with so much resistance and scorn. Teachers messed me up man. I’m convinced teachers cannot help but mistreat kids the way classes are set up. Just the law of big numbers.
If you ever ask your grandparents, what they thought of kids in special ed you’ll hear some revealing stuff. Its as if the “lessers” were there to let the gifted ones know they’re special. We really haven’t gotten away from that, in my experience.
Sooooo agree! "Teachers" made my childhood/home life even worse. I cried for help, begged to be heard, and no one helped me. I didn't learn in that plandemic of institutionalized boxed "learning" and indoctrination. You are speaking truth and I agree
Thanks for talking about what it really is. Many just don’t understand. Trauma bond plays havoc in our emotions 😢 Thankfully with therapy it’s starting to set off an alarm in me instead of drawing me to someone.
❤ In my experience, this felt like an insane desire or drive to prove my worth. I could not let go of the feeling that I was not a worthy human being or women unless I pleased this abusive person. The deeper issue was that I never learned how to truly love myself no matter what the circumstance. It was a different lesson to learn and I'm still rebuilding to this day @ 51 years old.
Thank you for explaining this so well ❤
Oh, I've gone no contact, with two friendships and family.
With your videos and Patrick Teahan, I've learned a whole different way to live.
My husband passed away several years ago, and i will never marry or date again. I like me without someone messing it up.
Trauma Bond, not anymore, i walked and didn't shed a tear.
I grew up with the Gaslight Effect, and i married the Gaslight Effect. Healing is the best thing, and I've been doing a lot of things for the past year that I've always wanted to do.
Anna and Patrick are two of my favs.
Wow. Anna, this needed to be explained to me or I would never have known. I suffered from many trauma bonding relationships since I was a baby, and maybe even have done it to another person as I got older, which sucks. I know why I hated it when my dad praised me, because it was part of the trauma bonding technique, whether he knew it or not. I was brainwashed by him for a long time. I also couldn’t have finished this video without getting massively triggered a year ago. I have been DP’ing and actively working on my healing, which has been tremendously contributing to my recovery from CPTSD, disorganized avoidance, and shutdwon mode. I really can’t thank you enough, and I mean it with all my heart. Thank you, Anna Runkle.
I thought it was really interesting what you said about trauma bonding being used as a torture tactic in POW camps. I'm wondering if you can be trauma bonded to a bad apartment building you just can't leave for some reason even though you have resources, a bad neighborhood, bad city, a hurtful therapist. I'd appreciate your insight into opening up this interesting concept.
just a feedback: wached already many videos from this channel but they never really matched my type of trauma or the consequences in a life of a 53 year old one, but after the videos of today and yesterday I slowly can "puzzle together" from your many views and aspects my own healing thoughts.
Lost my job today and was mentally freezed for hours but now have an idea how to become capable of being active again:
1. accepting that I have trauma issues
2. naming them, concrete and if I have intens emotions naming my issues with a high frequency
3. saying to myself: I am worth to live with inner peace and without trauma specific panic feelings even if I experience some bigger problems like getting fired and bankrupted, I deserve to have just normal 😢feelings about this but without extreme trauma feelings
~My trauma has never matched what has been described on here, either~My Mom messed with my head~She did hit me when i was young, but it was the mind games that did the damage~It still goes on today, and still hurts me~This channel has helped me more than any of the years of therapy i did, tho!~All the best to you!~♡~
a lot of people like to assume they know things and from the wording... Which is hard for those who dealt with trauma even as adults.
One your best Anna thank you, I so wish I had heard all this 25 years ago…but the teacher arrives when the student is ready ❤❤❤
Men who breadcrumb, who are inconsistent..theyre an instant 'no' now. Never again.
and same sex girl friends.
How can you recognise when it is love and you are just triggering from arguments?
I got out of a very bad friendship years ago and it was nearly impossible to get out of. My sister for whatever reason idolized him and anytime I tried to cut the cord she would actively intervene to keep us together. All the things Anna mentioned happened just as she said they did. The household I grew up in was exactly the same where it was constant emotional abuse in the same vein where you would get all this unexpected praise and love and then on a dime they would criticise, humiliate and tell me how worthless I was. It was unpredictable that I would hang on to any little praise cause I knew it was not gonna last.
Unfortunately I recognize that I am also the abuser by doing all the same things Anna mentioned. Withdrawing attention from a friend cause of a perceived slight, suddenly ghosting them and just not answering at all and then showing up again and telling them nothing was wrong just to hear them say how glad they were to see me. . I truly do hate myself for it . I am going to therapy and have been for the better part of 15 years but that behavior keeps coming up. I recognize that it usually happens when I am feeling bad about myself or I am under a lot of stress. These days I just take a breather and remind myself that they do not deserve to be treated like that. For that reason my circle of people I am close with is very small. They know about my issues and will call me out on it. I It's just better for my to be single rather than torture someone because I don't know how to regulate my emotions in a healthy way yet.
I encourage you to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It can help with getting regulated and it is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, (she uses it to this day!). Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Omg! No wonder I’ve given up!
I have been thee scapegoat for my whole life. At 51 after complete burnout my Mums death, my bullies of past want to return, I hesitate. The pause, allowing me the answer.
No way
😢
This is why dogs are so much better than people.
Totally agree.
Sadly this dynamic is that of my family and being finally rejected was a blessing, the fact that i ended with abusive partner is more tricky and i want to put an end to it.
Don't know if my male caregiver did study it, could be, because he behaved exactly the way someone would who wants my total submission or die .... It costed me my health to stay away from him and didn't spot " her ", how could i, no one talk about this type of abuse and i didn't know that i'm a survivor since around two years 😢 i suspected it, but didn't know and no one could understand me 🙏, it can be an almost invisible abuse till i knew how to see and it became obvious.... But i still see people who believe that they didn't had a real abuse, like others, even with a hard core cptsd and it brakes my hart 💔, knowing that pain and that it kills.
No one would have see in my baby brother an abused child, but he was and hoped till his 24 years to be seen and than lost all will too live because they are not capable to see us, he killed him self and the caregivers were see as so empathetic to understand that a young and healthy man could suddenly wanting to die.... I didn't know and my other siblings couldn't brake the lie for they one sake and i was going under by my side, at least i survived and found healing, but to late to help him.
I say that because for someone in an unhealthy dangerous relationship with a traumas bound is like a hostage and it's not enough to say that they must leave... It's not that simple, perhaps in the beginning but after... They make you their prisoner... I'm so grateful for people like Bessel Van der kork , who proved that the worst is the emotional abuses and they are present in all abuses... But when it's only emotional it's mostly ignored and survivors feel week, stupid, too sensitive it's about them and it's so hard, because they believe that there's no abuse and can't help each other 😢 and we are more common than people think, please don't forget us.....
Well said. Completely agree. Emotional neglect can take this form too. All it takes is a parent who's insecure and becomes controlling. Or one who's turned in on themselves, denying the existence of emotions while periodically exploding like a volcano. Or a parent who wants a comfortable existence, and spins their own preferences as being requirements of the other parent. Or a mix of all three, switching without warning and confusing the child.
@@louisehogg8472 well said too 🙏
@@louisehogg8472 thank you 🙏
You spot it 🙌
Yes when one or both parents believe that their kids don't deserve a better life and have to accept to make the same choices as the parents, no own life is allowed. We were told what to think how to feel, to be their personal re-regulating person and not allowed to be in a way they don't like without telling it, because it's the only truth possible and there for there's no reason to explain what everyone should see and believe.
The reality did change in regards to their comfort and out rolls too... How not to go crazy and lose touch with reality, when no own talkes about the fact that this is highly toxic and when trying to share we where laughed at and told that we don't even know what having a problem means and that from many people, we were trapped in an invisible cult were the rules remains untold because of the core believe that there's no other reality, for them it was evidence and no need to explain an evidence...
And of course we were divided so that it's easier to control us, the only way, because if we were allowed to really talk together we would have spot their lies...
What kids do dream to be taken away for fast care ( don't know if i say it right, to become kids of society ), who dreams that it's not their real family, dream that the parents divorce... I didn't understand way it was said that divorce is painful for the kids, it wasn't for me.... It was a relief and the final rejection from the Ogre who pretends to be a father and i believed him till i didn't any more and what a blessing to not have him in my life, almost. I got into no contact because i could and got help from my siblings, i was so surprised 😯 but they refused to talk about... With here the only way to go no contact was to be rejected and i was because i put a boundary that did threat her entitlement and i was out and again the relief was strong and i took my chance without hesitation.
It's now over a decade and even being in a toxic relationship i began to heal, even my body changed, was allowed to become feminine and my hip bones did grow larger, WOW the power i gave her because i couldn't do or say anything that could hurt her, i couldn't, my nervous system was trained for that....
But it's only a handful of years that i got validations that i was abused and how.
What a revelation, it was not me, finally and i'm not guilty for having cptsd it was made to me 💕🥹 and i could see way i ended with the same type of persons, it was familiar and i exactly knew how to be and please them, even if it's not possible to please them it's the double lose, face i lose, number they winn and how easy it was to make me play that way, i was used to it.... For abusers i was ready to be abused and blind to it because the collectivity did not spot it as abuse and i couldn't be there for my siblings, till now....
At least i got healing and hope i can, for the first time be in a real connection with some of them, i hope, it doesn't belong to me 🙏
It's amazing how i succeeded to protect myself, i'm proud of my being, the unconscious that continued to grow out of sight till i got the informations to understand , thanks to amazing RUclipsrs who made an amazing teaching 🤩👏🥳 and i still learn how those people tic, it's like learning an other language, wow that way of thinking is twisted but it's a real thing and that makes them easy to spot and to understand and to get the power back for real and see how weak they are, but know i let them feel awful 🤩👏🥳 Thank you Anna for that one, love 💕 it, so simple to put in practice and with the daily practice, it's game over 🥳🧚♀️💕🥹 i'm so grateful for the daily practice i do use bright line eating mindset too root it and automatize it 🙌 ✍️🙏🧘♀️ it's so important and there for i give it sixe months of religious practices to root it and to practice the daily practice without a question, i just do it because without i'm good for nothing 💕🧚♀️🥹🙌❣️🤩🫂✍️🙏🧘♀️😴😂🎶
The dancing chicken 😭😭😭😭
Oh god I know so sad 😔
I know. Remember there still so many animals out there that still need our empathy.
Great video. Reprogramming is essential.
Prayers sent to the Palisades!
🔥🔥🔥
love Ventura.
🙏🏽❤️
Yup. It all started in the womb 😫💔😢💞🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💞💙
@@kellyschroeder7437 you can make it 🙌
I did, so you maybe can too, i pray that you do and it doesn't mean you have to change from one day to an other, baby steps works very well ❤️🩹
Hope you to break free 💯💕
I'm an a$$hole whisperer & a recovering people-pleaser-This video hits home!~
And I love chickens. This "business" was wicked, lazy and cruel!~FFS -NO.- just no.
Thanks for this healing truth & information based on your experiences.
This path of healing..
Thank You(s).
Love your term " a**hole whisperer"!
But why do they do it ?? What do they get out of hurting us this way. I am so broken I can’t stand any of this. I am too old now to even care I just want it all to stop. Why do they do it.
Can you be trauma bonded with a parent? Or did i misunderstand what it really is?
Yes, parents are often where it starts
Another amazing video.
Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I stopped as soon as you mentioned animals and roadside attraction. I just can't.
You can skip forward?
Thank you for this useful information that more people need to hear. Could you please share a link to the wonderful bumper music we hear at the end of every video? Thank you for all of your videos.
0:12 That is what I thought trauma bonding was.
Where one person gives positive reinforment and alternates it with abuse.
please could you do a vid or talk about how to get rid of the PTSD veil / glass that separates and disconnects you from the world. It is very much like derealization, perhaps it is just that. But would love to get rid of it because it is very disconnecting and distracting. It can visually see it too and i don't like it at all.
Here's one of Anna's videos on this topic you may find helpful: ruclips.net/video/KROwZFF0u1o/видео.html. Also, if you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I am the chicken!! 🐥What an excellent example.
Is there any healthy people to be in a healthy relationship with out there ? I think NOT. I Think NOT. Most people have had many toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships and it’s the norm not a rarity. For most people it starts with being happy and all so wonderful and it turns into a nightmare shortly or within the first few years at the most, to a point where people are questioning their entire existence and sanity.
I certainly agree that most folk have some degree of mess. Indeed, a traumatised person CAN likely only be understood by someone who's 'been there'.
My current take, is that the best that can be managed, unless you are committed to being single permanently, is to prioritise both being brutally honest, and both being committed to keep working on yourselves. In theory at least, that should ensure companionship in the present and improvement as time goes on. And go very slowly on the practical entanglements, such as living together, sex, being financially dependent, children. That way if things do go wrong it's ONLY the emotional damage you have to work through, not total colonisation.
In the 'UK', the analogy would be the 1603 both-crowns-on-one-head, not the 1707 abusive 'Union'.
Thanks
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
100%....again. What a dent you make! (in a very good way). Thank you!
From age 14 til 51 this has been most if not all of my relationships. Friends with benefits or boyfriend and girlfriend, but he was using me for something and wasn't all in.
I've decided not to reach out, not lie to myself anymore, I'm accepted less and less and building boundaries. I'm in therapy and I don't respond right away to text and calls. I say no a lot. I text I'll let you know instead of just saying yes. When I think of him I tell myself he doesn't love me and he's never been here when I needed him. I'm working on other connections with family and friends. I've always been honest about the relationships with other people. Shamefully honest. It's like I was ruminating out loud. It's just going to take time.
Don't give up. You're worth it, and you know that now. Here's hoping 2025 brings you to a much healthier and happier place.
I was groomed and sexually abused as a teenager. Then, years later, ended up being groomed and sexually exploited as an adult. This person subtly wormed their way in to my life under the guise of a 'friend,' and mentor, with what started out as friendly chat and joking around and then progressed to deeper conversations, them doing sweet and kind favours for me, showering me with compliments and offering gifts. I got confused and thought there was a romantic interest there. Looking back, I see how they used intermittent reinforcement to keep me hooked. He'd blow hot and cold, randomly be cold or rude at times, out of the blue, or subtly talk about moving overseas.
Once I'd let my guard down and thought we were friends, the requests for things that I wasn't comfortable with came through... and everything spiralled from there. Took me years to get out because of the trauma bond (thankfully, Anna's wise words helped me to wake up) and, to this day, though l know the truth about who he is, a part of me still misses what I thought we had. Trauma bonds are messed up!
You can be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyThank you 😊
I'm 57. My 4th son was murdered 2 years ago. I was abandoned as a child. My mom won custody from the only person that loved me...then she left to live her life. My father didn't know. He learned when I was 20 and had his first grandson. He has tried to be a part of my life since. But interesting...I'm still so hollow even at my age. More so since my loss. I have a pattern of trying to love the people I find weren't loved in their lives...usually 20s. But, I keep getting used and abused from these people and I'm now not going to ever help or give love away anymore. I keep being tricked I feel. Embarrassing really.
How can you recognise when it is love and you are just triggering from arguments?
Thank you for advice.. also In 2025 I highly recommend everyone read Your Life Your Game by Keezano. It beautifully shows how connecting with God and building meaningful relationships can lead to spiritual growth and success in both your personal and professional life. This book truly changed my life..a must-read.
amazing book
Thank you 🫂❤
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Fairy, way to start the new year like this 😞
It is NOT ONLY A PARENT!!!!!
There are people who love to play victim. They'll hear a story and immediately try to "Trauma Bond". Women do this much more than men. Example ; A woman gets on social media and says..... Her boyfriend cheated on her. Without any proof, it actually happened. You'll get a million women saying..... How it happened to them too and men ain't no good. That's "Trauma Bonding".
No, that's commiseration.
~♡~Id rather have a 'warning' about animal abuse, than any other subject~♡~
That’s sad because children being abused is far worse!
As soon as she started talking about it I fast forwarded
@@rebeccarich7112~I turned it off altogether!~
I’m so tired of people misusing the term “trauma bond”. I don’t think it’s intentional, but it’s an insult to those of us who have survived abuse and actual trauma bonds.
"you're" not "your" in the title
Traumatizing your extra sensitive audience with a needless, storg about animal abuse seems unnecessary. 😠
Lol
Kind of sounds like the relationship trump has with his minions.