What Your Spouse with ASD Desires Most in the Relationship
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- Опубликовано: 16 сен 2024
- Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwith...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiver...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultasper...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterc...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultasper...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandras...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultasper...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultasper...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myasperger...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-funct...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myasperger...
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-mel...
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchinga...
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-ski...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-myst...
ASD+NT Couples resources:
--- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/
--- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html
--- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html
--- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html
--- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
--- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html
Parenting resources:
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html
So difficult to appreciate them when they are making your life difficult. I feel that I carry him, our child, myself, our property, our entire lives. I don’t feel neglected emotionally, I feel neglected on a practical level.
First I would like to say thank you for doing that. I know your trying very hard. And your here looking at videos to help. I don’t know the state of your situation but both sides have to try to learn to communicate. I hope he is getting help with this so he can help carry your load .
@SpiralMystic I commend you for your efforts and all you do for your family unit. My bf is yet to be diagnosed but we suspect he is on the spectrum. I support us both and while he helps around the house I feel like I’m a single mother of a defiant teenager. How you do all you do with a child is beyond me. I’m struggling and it’s just the two of us.
@@shaynalee I hear you. I’ve learnt that communication has to be 100% concrete. There’s zero room for nuance, hints, etc. Finding a time when you’re both happy and having the necessary conversations,and then sticking to one topic/point at a time. Picking his socks up, or taking out the garbage. Explaining that his help would make you really happy etc. No accusations. Being super specific on how the task needs to be done.
It can be exhausting and often I’d rather just say three words and get the task done, but that gets us no where.
And the pay off is when a conversation goes well - they truly get it and want to do the task for you. Aspies can get stuck on routines but the advantage is if the routine is helpful it’s a win-win. Good luck. x
@@SpiralMystic thank you for saying this. i suspect my husband is on spectrum and i found this channel to educate myself. it's been very enlightening, and we've worked together on lots of things. you're right about having no room for hints. i learnt that very fast because he just won't get it. being straightforward was a challenge for me, but it actually brought a lot of good in myself - i learnt to be straightforward with anyone not just him, which helps me in my career. i also tell him about specific things that are important to me, and the reason behind the importance with a calm voice; giving a heads up that i want to have a conversation with him. i know for lots of couples it might sound weird and unnatural, but now as im used to it, it's actually very empowering.
finding ways to communicate is hard and both need to be willing to be open minded. i do feel sometimes that i carry too much on myself. then i remember i can just talk to him and explain that i need help and he always helps.
Have you tried the bridging the gap group of FB?
As a female with ASD, I can very much relate to the male perspective here too. It's literally been the reason why my relationships have not worked out
It’s like a Tigger living with an Eeyore…🤷🏼♀️ I feel I overwhelm him, so I have to pull way back to keep the calm
So true for us as well! I've made exactly that comparison to Tigger and Eeyore. Even if I make an effort to keep my energy low when I'm speaking to him, he enjoys my company for a little while and then he's done! (But doesn't realize that he's done, he just gets progressively snippier until my feelings are hurt and I shut up and go away)
Now I realize it's better for me to make plans and invite him/inform him, rather than trying to plan with him. I recently started a part-time job, and didn't talk to him about it until I'd been hired. Then, "Guess what, I am starting work on Tuesday! It was a bit last minute, but they were short staffed and I'll be working there for the next 3 months."
And then he's happy for me and it's all very pleasant. He's picking up some of what I've been doing, like driving kids to extracurriculars. If I'd tried to talk it over with him, I'm quite sure that he'd have brought up so many what-ifs and potential problems that I would have declined the job offer, or if I did accept, all the excitement would have been replaced with anxiety.
It's better to treat him as Eeyore and just bounce over to say hi once in a while, but spend most of my time and energy with Kanga, Roo, and Pooh. And when we plan a trip to the beach, we can inform him so he can come too, if he wants to. Usually he does, if it's already set up.
At least he's not Rabbit, right? 😅 Then he'd really hate us!
@@er6730 Thanks for this phenomenal response. This is excellent advice, i’ve slowly started to come to this realization that u described and you’ve mapped it out so perfectly. Thank you, u might have just saved my relationship, you and Mark Hutton
and then you absolutely cannot be your authentic self and have to bury your needs and desires deep
@@er6730 I like that...."bounce over to him once in a while"...
As much as I empathize with the ASP, the relationship is a nurse/patient one. These relationships will never be a give and take. The NT will never get the connection we are wired to need for happiness, to thrive. And just like a primate that gets rejected over and over again, it will eventually die. Same for humans. The NT/ASP relationship is setting the NT up for mental, emotional, and physical illness. An NT who enters a relationship thinking they have a partner who can pull their weight goes through hell trying to figure out what is wrong with her before years later realizing it's then. If someone is ASP it is their duty to tell the NT person this before committing. My spouse is most like on the spectrum, but in total denial and blames me for having feelings, passions, and not be as "logical" as he which to him is the only intelligence worth having. I believe his parents, brother knew he was not "normal" and hid all of it from me. They covered for him and stepped in when it should have been him... blinding me to his condition. They did it out of love, of course, but they stole my life... years... dreams of family and growing old with a partner. I'm so resentful about all of it. We share a child who doesn't show any signs that I can tell. If he has something, it's so little almost undetectable. He has close dear friends and super social. No quirks. Seems like a regular, bright kid. It's just sad that the NT partner must suffer so much pain in this lopsided relationship. If I knew what I know now, I would have walked away. No question. Stayed friends, but I never ended to parent a grown man. Deal with adult tantrums, unable to be my authentic self because it may trigger him. I really do feel for the ASP experience, but these relationships do real harm and damage to their NT partners. It's real.
Well that's incredibly ignorant. It's a SPECTRUM a lot of ASD individuals are not the 'worst case scenario' seems like quite a few ASD spouses are the ones carrying the family financially and not as exaggerated as these stories make them out to be.
Your spouse wasn't even diagnosed but you still blaming all your problems on them, yeah can't image why it didn't work out.
You nailed it here. But, I had no idea when I married my ASP spouse there was something amiss. It came out only later, after we'd had a child. Then it seemed to me I was left out in the cold. 42 years of trying to figure all of this out, heartbreak after heartbreak, infidelity, gaslighting, cover-up, lying. Now (and for the past 20 years) his sole interest is work, work, work. Any time I ask for him to take some time off so we can be together is rejected.
Talk about mental illness and chronic disease, I have many: Stage 4 cancer, high blood pressure, depression, anxiety. The worst "bottom" of my life was a hallucinatory panic attack; I was take to our local emergency room and admitted to their psych ward for 24 hours under observation for suicide. It was the most horrific experience. When i left, the psychiatric nurse clinical manager sat with me a few minutes and told me that if I did not want to end up dead, I should never reunite with my ASP spouse.
@@Michael-du2fv "They did it out of love of course, but they stole my life from me." You read this incredibly detailed and experience person opening their heart and sharing their trauma with you... and who said the saddest thing I've heard in a while and... and you call her "ignorant"?! You are a disgusting human being... sorry, robot. Delete my comment, fine. But you should have deleted his a long time ago. You are gaslighting this poor woman who clearly slowly came to realize her situation and are bizarrely bringing up finances? Did she mention that?
You definitely nailed it. I don’t know how anyone can find these partnerships actually satisfying and emotionally rewarding. I’m on an island. Crazy island
I don’t think nurse/patient, for me it’s more like mom and child. I hear you loud and clear, what you say matters and what you feel is important to the conversation, just ignore that guy Michael who personifies the defensiveness and petty name calling many wives have to tolerate from the child they are married to. Yes, many AS spouses are often great at their job and good providers but that does not translate into being great at marriages with an NT wife who NEEDS give and take social skills and sharing responsibilities and intimacy to stay healthy. I’ve seen in some comments in Mark’s videos where the AS husband really works hard at his marriage but those guys are rare.
The more I show him appreciation the more he demands it. He is a bottomless well of need to be appreciated just like his bottomless well of need for time with his special interests. Unfortunately, his special interest doesn’t show him much appreciation. It’s not a need I can meet but more like wound I can’t heal. This one requires a miracle.
I could live a life appreciating him. He was sooooo neeedy and always needing constant affirmation I got tired of it.
This video couldn’t have shown up in my feed at a better time. No diagnosis but this resonates so much, as do a lot of your videos. Thank you so much. Just in time
No matter how much appreciation, that ASD cup is always half empty.
So sad but so true :( - I wonder if there is a way they can fill their cup up, or at least more often see it as half full rather than half empty.
Mark, would love you to answer this in a video if possible.
Perfectly said!
It's so hard to appreciate seemingly an empty soul. I have to keep reminding myself of his strengths because they are often so quiet and hard to remember. An NT spouse has to remember that what you need "does not live there" in your ND spouse. Mourn the loss and then go take care of yourself. It often feels like being married to a robot. Realizing their limitations and learning how to nurture myself has helped me a lot. It's still sad though.
Nailed it but I’m done
Lmaooooo
More power to you! I should have ran away myself 25 years ago.
What does an ASD spouse desire most? See below.
Safety.
Emotional safety...It's odd, those with ASD fear a lack of predictability, but that's sometimes what they bring into their relationships with NTs...it feels like there isn't a consistent anchor of emotional safety. It's unpredictable because we hold back our feelings so as to avoid triggering them, ultimately leading to our rollercoaster of emotions or numbness. Or, we begin to be empty and aren't able to provide what we used to provide, causing anxiety and fear for those on the spectrum. I think, with a support group for partners of those on the spectrum, these kinds of issues can be avoided.
This is interesting. I struggle with understanding my emotions and awareness of my husband’s emotions, but also feel extremely bad when another feels bad. I don’t like change, so I tend to do whatever is asked of me, because I can’t deal with the idea of having to find another partner in life and I will get sick at some point and need help, so I will not leave no matter how difficult things are.
Sounds awful for the other person, no love or passion.
This really described our situation. Thanks so much for helping me understand.
Nailed it again I like how you understand the ASD difficulties in this nt dominated world
I feel like you have put a monitor in my home, this is so precise!
OMG you have described my marriage EXACTLY, thank you for showing me i am not alone ...🤷🏻♀️ its hard but i love him .
You got this!
Such mixed emotions finding this channel because it's so late in the day for our family who've been wrecked by lack of education on these topics. Glad to hear some families will put these useful strategies to good effect.
Welcome aboard!
Spot on! Thankfully we learned how to get out this loop.
How?! 🙏
@@stickyvik we learned and developed a technique centered on direct language and pacing called The PIVOT. I'd be glad to share more personal details. You can dm me on IG: @mtgthespneed.
@@ShawneeETVI can't find you
Aside from nailing it make sure that you communicate. I can't tell you how often I close off relationships because of a failure to communicate, nobody has time to waste.
Whether or not your partner has ASD, are you taking responsibility for your "stuff" in the relationship? You can only change you. Any efforts spent trying to change your partner will fail. You can only change you.
This is true -I have always love my husband and he did got other interest and I did what I learned as growing up CAVE and dug a hole when i interacted less as possible so I did not bothered him until I felt abused
You helped us so much. Thank you. I love my Partner so much. 😍
Happy to help!
G"d Bless you, Thank you for all you share and teach us.
Why G'd? Why not GOD??!
A very, very accurate description of my experience of life. Thank you very much for this Mark.
Thanks for listening
As usual, spot on
Some of this is true for my relationship as a female with ASD, however, I am not sure if it because I am also an Introvert and my husband is an Extrovert..... but after we married he did not seem to try to connect and I seemed to connect with my children. Then he just became even more connected to work. However, i was only diagnosed after 22 years of marriage.
It does seem like a lot of the videos are hard for me to relate to, as it feels as if there are two "males" in the emotional aspect. At least that os what people tell me; that my emotions are more "male" in nature, if that makes more sense. However, i feel pretty feminine 😂
This reminds me of all of the times in high school that I was told off in peer groups and how I drove them crazy it definitely makes me imperfect in fact because of that it’s too late for perfect in me
This is so true
Mark, as usual, On Point 💯💕
I appreciate that
As an adult child who was subjected to autistic parent and then in relationship with autistic partner, it’s too volatile and too challenging to maintain. NT just need to move on. It’s too destructive and too exhausting.
If a person to find some selves in this situation what are some things that the couple can do together to reverse the dynamic? How can she or he, because gender roles can be reversed and this could be a same-sex couple, express their need for closer intimacy or get the things that they need a little better than they were getting it at least without coming across as criticizing? This video identifies a common problem, but not the solution.
The solution will involve therapy which will look at the current individual pattern the couple is using that cases problems.
And if the ASD refuses counseling as an option?
I thought the same
@@stickyvik Then sadly...nothing 🥺🤕
They want someone to help them. It’s like a caregiver situation instead of a marriage…For over 20 years I had to carry the entire marriage on my own. The only thing I can expect from him is his fidelity.
Mark how can one reach, I have a few questions and I'd really love your help.
mbhutten@gmail.com
Im an Aspie but also a chubby bald guy. Is there any hope for me?
Yeah man lol just work on your self
@@jjjmm7432 yep, exactly ! Just work on yourself
Take care of yourself bit remember to be genuine so the other person don’t feel like you fooled her/him later on in the relationship
no lol
im 6 foot 2 and have been working out since 14 years. Biggest guy in every room. But age 28 and havent gotten with a single girl yet. Its hopeless for most of us.
If you work on developing self-awareness, yes!