How Can Leaders Better Talk About Sex? | An Interview with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
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- Опубликовано: 12 сен 2024
- Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a Latter-day Saint relationship and sexuality coach with a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. Her teaching and coaching focus on helping LDS individuals and couples create greater connection and passion in their emotional and sexual relationships.
In addition to her private practice, Dr. Finlayson-Fife has created five empowering and highly-reviewed online courses. Each course was designed to give LDS individuals and couples the tools requisite to creating healthier lives and stronger intimate relationships. Dr. Finlayson-Fife also offers many workshops and retreats where she teaches these life-changing principles in person.
Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts on the subjects of sexuality, relationships, mental health, and faith. She is also the creator and host of Room for Two, a popular sex and intimacy coaching podcast.
For links related to this podcast, see [ link coming soon].
In this podcast episode, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, a renowned expert on sexuality in the Latter-day Saint context, delves into the complexities of sexual dynamics within relationships. She challenges the traditional messaging that women should solely cater to men's sexual needs, highlighting the detrimental impact it can have on both partners' passion and desire.
Dr. Finlayson-Fife emphasizes the importance of women embracing their own sexuality and desires, rather than feeling obligated to fulfill their partner's needs. She discusses how societal norms and cultural expectations can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts within marriages, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy.
The episode also touches on the concept of betrayal trauma, where the dynamics of betrayal in relationships, particularly related to sexuality, can lead to significant emotional distress. Dr. Finlayson-Fife advocates for open communication, mutual understanding, and a shared responsibility for cultivating a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship within marriages.
The conversation challenges traditional gender roles and encourages both men and women to take ownership of their sexuality and desires, fostering a more authentic and passionate connection within relationships.
00:05:30 - Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fyfe's Expertise in Sexuality
00:10:37 - The Role of the Church in Healthy Sexual Development
00:18:48 - Addressing Betrayal Trauma and Gender Dynamics in Relationships
00:25:46 - Normalizing Sexual Feelings in Youth
00:29:35 - The Role of the Church in Addressing Sexuality in Adulthood
00:38:48 - Complex Dynamics of Desire and Expectations in Marriage
00:46:10 - Addressing Stigma and Expectations for Men and Women in Relationships
Thank you 🙌🏻
I have this thought a lot when it comes to Leading Saints in general, but this episode in particular should be required reading/listening/viewing by every member of the Church over the age of 14.
This should be required. www.youtube.com/@TheMarriageFoundation
Finally the sex episode
“A lot of women have been taught in the Church…”? I’m interested to know how she’s come to the conclusion that the idea that women must caretake the man’s sexual needs is taught in church. In the world, yes, I’ve heard it. But as an active member for 40 years and as a bishop, I’ve never heard or seen this false principle taught or insinuated in the Church. True, I don’t attend RS or YW lessons every time, but really? I wonder how much of this is projecting our own experiences onto “the Church”. A young lady is taught this by her mom who’s an active member in the church. Because she perceives her mom as a representative of what it means to live the gospel, then she can easily draw the conclusion that “the Church teaches it’s my spiritual responsibility as a wife to caretake the sexual needs of my husband.” Love the episode, but some of this is painting with a little too broad a brush imo.
To clarify, I don't think that they're referring to "the church" teaching this, so much as it being an incorrect yet pervasive and infrequently addressed perspective. Actually, she mentions numerous times that this is more an effect of culture than it is the church's doctrine - the doctrine itself is actually quite beautiful when it comes to marital intimacy.
Regardless, I think you bring up some good points: Being a world wide church, I agree, these are pretty broad brush strokes to be painting with. Just because it may be a pervasive part of a church culture in one area, doesn't mean that it also that way in another. I also agree with your assessment that this seems to be what the world is teaching more than what the church is teaching. Right on point!
I'd like elaborate on that with a question, if I may: how often does the world's teachings find its way into our church meetings - sometimes in the most subtle of ways. I learned as a missionary that what I was teaching was much less important than what was being understood and I had to approach teaching with a focus on truly understanding my investigator if there was going to be any progress.
If we and our and youth are listening to the Doctrines of the church through the lens of the world, the things being brought up in this interview are actually likely to be unspoken undertones (from the world) to what is understood. As Paul taught, "we see through a lens darkly." As a result, there needs to be both some exploration and correction of these undertones. Unless they are addressed and clarified with true doctrines, anyone could go on for years without realizing how much more joy they could have had OR how much pain could have been avoided if only they understood the doctrine correctly.
If anything, some of my take aways from this interview were more along the lines of: "Holy cow! I didn't even realize ... 1-this was the problem! (but it makes total sense) 2-that there was something much better (in the form of true doctrine, understood) and 3-that I'm not the only one experiencing the effects of this." That has left me wanting to share with all my worldly friends: "there's a much higher and holier way than what the world has taught us." (I definitely don't shout that from the rooftops but now I'm more open to those conversations).
You're right, we don't teach this in church but maybe we don't realize that it's part of what is being understood and is going on uncorrected.
Talking about marital sex and intimacy is a bit of a taboo topic in many church cultures I've experienced, particularly among men. There are probably a myriad of reasons for that but, to me, it seems that this podcast represents one of the most under-addressed and simultaneously most important topics to have addressed within a gospel context. I'm not saying "pull out all the stops and let's make this our 5th Sunday lesson." I am saying is that, perhaps leaders should be more conscientious about it as they go about their duties. This should be taught by true gospel doctrines in the right settings, in the right ways, not left to be taught by the world and left a mystery to people.
To leaders this is one of the most difficult paradoxes of living in the world but not of the world. Part of guiding the flock includes being able to recognize what worldly influences are affecting them so we can teach the appropriate healing and directing doctrines clearly enough that they hopefully choose a better life. If we're oblivious to the world's influence while we're leading, maybe we should try to be "in the world" a little more while still holding strong to our resolution to "not be of [it]."
If awareness is an interest, I'd recommend looking up a group called "Axis," a non-profit Christian organization that emphasizes connecting parents and adults to the lives of youth (particularly in regard to worldly influences.) I've loved that their approach has been informative, firm, and connective in ways that teens respond well to. Adding a restored gospel lense to it I'm sure would greatly enhance it's effects.
Here's a link to the Axis website:
axis.org/?A%252F%252Fsearch.brave.com%252F
Your experience is not anything like mine. I've also been in the church 40+ years and in leadership callings.
I was explicitly taught that women had to manage mens sexuality. Modesty standards were enforced with the explanation that her short skirt or low cut shirt would tempt me, and she would be responsible for the temptation.
Pres Oaks told YW that they became walking pornography to the men, which is again women being responsible for mens sexuality.
Nursing mothers were asked to leave the chapel so as not to tempt the YM instead if educating them.
Missionaries talk about how the number of baptisms he performs is directly correlated to how beautiful his wife would be, which objectified her before she ever met him.
This is the best info on sexuality and the church that I've heard yet. This should be mandatory training for all church leaders and available to the membership in general through an endorsement by the 1st Pres.
Her online course that I took called the Art of Loving is a game changer. I wish I wasn’t stuck in the role based frame I was raised in and rather learned to have an emotional and supportive based relationship. To see my spouse rather than just serve her and meet the physical needs.
She helps to get us out of transactional based love of our spouse and into a deeper space. It’s super hard to do for many LDS men like myself who have been raised and praised through validation of our works.