Yes! When he realized I was not going to react he would keep up the verbal attacks until he drew tears. Even if it took an hour, he'd keep going. After he could get tears, he'd yell that I love to cry to manipulate him.
Oh my god!!!! I feel the same way and my energy vampire friend makes me feel so bad and guilty for not hanging out with her.
4 года назад
You've described my life. But some avoidance is still helpful. We just need to flip the script
4 года назад+2
@@vijayat8082 That's SO GRINDING. The needy guilt trip, the constant "where r u?" Even when it's not a thing! Maybe you just met the person. Or just showing up. GOT A PHONE? Use it. Hard to stay grey rock
alone! How wonderful that is!!! no incoming crap. take up walking a dog. Girls exercize. OPPS lost my hearing...My whole successful life has been gray rocking... living alone is the best...any job will do...Grab a bus go 4 states away. Leave no trackable address... these people are on the edge of violence & DESTRUCTION OF YOU& your kids
My tip: get an actual small gray rock, and keep in in your hand. In convo, squeeze it, run your fingers over it, and remember the game that's being played.
I used the lesser known "gay-rock:" technique ...worked great on my ex girlfriend....she completely started ignoring me once she was convinced that I was gay...life is fabulous now...
It IS hard not to fall into a false sense that you can talk normally to the narc. I catch myself many times, about to start a conversation, then realizing he CANNOT be in a normal conversation with me. It's a good thing I have many friends and lots to listen to on my computer.
Same here, just when I think maybe just maybe I can have a normal conversation with my father he always makes me regret being nice. These people are severely ill in their heads
My narc ex moved us 55 times in 35 years so I never really got to know people. The three close friends I did have all died. Now I am living with my narc mom while in transition and hoping to leave soon
I started doing this, he’s started doing the love bombing again, buying me things, asking about my family, who he never bothers with, he looks confused , like why is she so cold, why isant she trying anymore .
Im not trying to pry. But recently within the last few weeks i stumbled across this channel..ive been with a covert (my own non medical diagnosis based on behavior,patterns,fights,awful things said etc.) Ive been disguarded alot...and currntly right smack in the middle of a hoover that im going to cave to. Ive told him and myself..i k ow ur next move. I just need to find out for myself tho i guess. Any tips? On how to stop wanting the covert after the disguard is goin to inevitably happen in the future that i say im prepared for but will crush evetything inside me when it comes...
Since binge watching many, many videos about narcissism, I've become much wiser to the wiles of the narc in my life. Right now we are quarantined in the same apartment, but with so much more wisdom acquired from all I'm hearing, I'm more able to put these things into practice. I'm giving him the grey rock now, only answering what he asks me about, giving little to no feedback, just polite yes or no answers. I can see him try to get me into the same old routine of fighting but I'm getting stronger at not taking the bait. I appreciate your videos. Thank you.
The old routine of fighting is their drug. They need a rush of adrenaline that comes from it. That's what they are familiar with and what makes them feel good. They're junkies preying on their suppliers hence they used to be called energy vampires.
I'm usually ok with gray rock by now but it was definitely hard in the beginning. Like you said, I'd always want to defend myself. Just wish I didn't have to deal with these people at all. I'm so tired of their nonsense
So agree with you. It’s tough. The narcissists usually work hard on entrapping people and also make it hard to leave without damage. I have a friend who struggles with a narc more than me. I don’t attract them as much and I am able to get gray rocking faster than my friend. I feel sooo bad when I see my friend struggle and lose their health over draining arguments when they are attacked. What can I tell my friend to finally convince them to stop reacting and engaging. The friend immediately reacts and understandably wants to defend their name against unfair accusations.
OOOOooo! When you said, "If you're feeling the need to explain yourself, you're triggered." omg. It stung but a brilliant lightbulb went on for me. This video was extremely helpful for me! I got a lot of useful tips and insight from everything you said. Thank you for not taking a judgmental approach about the choices people who find themselves in difficult situations decide to undertake depending on their life circumstances. I really appreciate that you're here to help us w/o judgment, criticism or pushing dogmatic decisions.
I see a big difference between silent treatment and grey rock. Silent treatment is passive-AGRESSIVE. Grey rock is passive-NEUTRAL. Grey rock can honestly say "I'm not intersted." and just keep repeating "I'm not interested" over and over, which lets the other person know exactly why you are not engaging. Grey rock does not play guess-games it says what it means "I'm not interested any more". That's the truth and so cannot be manipulation. Grey rock simply withdraws emotions without trying to control the other person. Silent treatment plays on emotions, trying to control or change the other person. This is a HUGE difference. I don't know how people don't see it. Grey rocks allows you to remain respectful. Silent treatment allows you to get sadistic pleasure at the emotional effect it has on the other person.
Perfectly explained. I did both and yes, they are very different. When I did silent treatment it actually hurt me more. When I went gray rock they were the ones confused and I was finally at peace because I gained back my control by setting boundaries to protect myself.
I would absolutely agree with this. When I’ve used the grey rock technique it was because we got to the point that there was NO longer any emotions or feelings for the person at all, and we just wanted to get out of the toxic cycle of drama
Very very difficult, almost impossible, to do for some people who are being yelled at by one or hearing that 'ohhh''' disgusted tone.. one word, and they say it in the most disgusted tone. "Ok, I see what you're doin' is something else they will say. Then, they start the physical abuse by moving things in your space, touching your property, ignoring your boundaries, all to get you to talk. I do not recommend 'grey rock' at all, unless you are strong enough to not want to cry after they talk to you and strong enough to say 'I don't care' they yell and scream and threaten and 'I don't care... I still feel this way'. STOP FIGHTING BACK WITH THEM . Stop defending yourself, was the best advice heard . All they want is a reaction, any reaction. They get off on your tears or sadness or reactions. They get off on your no reaction.
@@nenel604 Instead of giving a reaction thats negative. Try focusing on healthy, boundary inclined reactions. So if your narcissist is yelling at you... don't cry or react, try to think more rationally about the situation. So for example, this person is yelling at you calling you useless... you could say something with no attitude or no emotion, almost carefree NOT careless- carefree. And u could say you may feel that way right now but I have to do homework or work or something productive. So instead of wasting time fighting with them, don't yell or get upset, avoid the fight or confrontation altogether calmly with no attitude and go do something healthy that needs to be done. It's a good excuse and they can't stop you without being the jerk themselves because you didn't get attitude or upset, you are just focusing on your goals. Idk if all that makes sense but it works lol
I actually have been gray Rocking my narc mom but with a lightness and kindness so that way she doesn't feel disrespected. It has confused her and made her paranoid.
I have already been doing this and I had no idea it had a name. I am so proud of myself I can hold my composure 95% of the time. I do have weak points that are almost impossible to protect but I will get there.😁
I've just gotten out of a 12 year narcissist relationship, and previous was 10 years with a borderline personality... I'm 45 and I don't even know who I am anymore.. I've always found the beauty in people it's a gift and a curse I suppose... I guess I just want to say thank you for this information because I'm lost right now and at least I know I'm not alone.
Oaken it’s good to find the beauty! But don’t ignore the bad either! Just because someone seems nice for a while doesn’t mean you hand them over your life and heartL just take the blinders offs
Don't know but maybe midlife can be hard. Maybe you came to this realization that you struggled so much when you were young, and now all that's left is to get old. It can't be that way. Cant let it. It can get ugly fast.
Me too. Feel like I am some alien in an ocean of narcs, so who am I? You are not alone. Like waking up from a dream in the land of OZ. Like taking the red pill & waking up in a vierdvorld I no longer recognize. Hang in there.
GUYS!! TODAY WAS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT GREY ROCK. I FEEL SO DIFFERENT. No emotional upheavals,. I feel funny. My narc kept at it for 2 hours straight but I didn't budge. I wrote some reminders and put them in front of me. Then concentrated on some lame video game. If I felt like saying something I said it to myself internally. He kept coming with newer and newer ridiculous accusations. I kept singing to my self consistently in a fun tone "He's sick. not me, he needs to bark, cz his life depends on it, NOT MINE"...I know it sounds silly but it worked. He's been harassing & threatening me on calls for 6 months straight that I was beginning to feel suicidal again. Having come a long way from BPD, it would have been a real shame if I gave up now. I made a habit checklist now, and day 1 CHECKED! Will keep updating.
I love this!! Does not sound silly at all. I appreciate you taking the time to share this as I am going through a difficult time with a nac. I found this very helpful. 🙏
This is genius. I have 2 narcissists in my immediate family. Your videos showed me how I feed them by arguing with them. I had no idea how to stand up for myself but I can see how helpful this must be! Big thank you!!! 😎😎😎
I love how you get straight to the point. RUclipsrs who blab before getting to the point or ask you to like/subscribe before we can even watch the video to decide if we want to is insane to me.
I went grey rock with my " narc " friends once I became aware of their toxicity aa well as partner. It's about pulling back to respond but staying non reactive.They are unable to hook or trigger you if YOU don't let them. It's a very powerful practise of self discipline. The silent treatment is giving the cold shoulder by deliberately ignoring someone or ghosting, where as grey rock is staying neutral while continuing to interact with narcissist.
I use this with my highly abusive, narcissistic boss. Until I can get another job outside the team, this is my technique. I’ve been calling it ‘being as invisible as possible’ so that they actually forget I exist. It’s so they forget to pick me as their next (or regular) bullying victim. It works too. I come off as boring for them and I’m not an interesting victim because I don’t react, I give them blandness. It’s grey rock. I like this.
The Gray Rock technique helps when caregiving any type of emotional abuser. When you’re not sure how long it will go on, you have to use every strategy in the book!
I've been married for 11 years.. and I have been separated from my narcissist husband for one month. Yesterday my covert narcissist husband.. called my brother at work. Telling him he has been calling your sister for quite some time and she won't answer his phone calls.. that's because I have his number blocked. All of this is very new to me..🤷 I have my weak moments.. but I'm going to stay strong 💪💪 and stay no contact.. you guys pray for me 🙏 that I don't become weak and bondable.👌👍
It's a month later. How are you doing? I'm hoping for you to stick to your guns, as the the saying goes. Forgive yourself your weak moments, but I have faith in you that you'll get better and better at maintaining those boundaries! Keep at it.
Hang in there Kathy. Hoping your brother can assist in setting some boundaries and request that he not contact you. Time will help heal you and good for you for getting free. I know the shame I felt at being duped - how could I have let it happen? Break ups are hard enough - be kind to yourself, seek help, stay the course and you will get yourself back in time.
The strange thing about Narcissistic person is they convince you that you're the one that is not comlying to the situation that is to their advantage all the time. I realized i was being manipulated all the time to let them take away everything from me. When i started gray rocking i feel healthier and less controlled. I feel lighter
0:48 - What is gray rock? 1:43 - Rules of gray rock 4:10 - Who should use the gray rock method 6:02 - Gray rock vs silent treatment 6:48 - Gray rock vs silent treatment 9:21 - Tip 1 11:01 - Tip 2 11:24 - Tip 3 13:24 - Tip 4
I never knew what grey Rock was until my mother my aunt and pretty much like most fucked-up women in my family started doing this shit to me why is it only women that do this?
Although I'm sure it's a decent tactic protect yourself for someone who's fucked up and treating you like shit but when that is what they do in the very beginning when that's how they get out of any type of conversation when gray rocking is the only tactic that they have because your words make too much sense what is that called why do they how is it that they are capable of weaponizing The Grey Rock method I recently learned that my mother is not only an alcoholic but a narcissist and I tried to help her but all I get is the gray Rock
Hihi Christina. I 'grey rocked' my ex partner yesterday. She is a covert narcissist person. We still work for the same organization. I didn't see her for I think 3 or 4 months and yesterday I met her in passing by in a stairwell entrance. As if she saw a ghost. I actually had to look clearly if it really was her. I said hello while passing her. She said hello back in kind of sad tone. I just walked on and had a smile within me. Man, she didn't look so well and how she hates me because I saw through her façade and flaws. All dressed up in black and quite exhausted she looked. Per haps she has still such a 'hard life' and oh we all have to feel sorry for her. I continued my day at work. Have a nice weekend everybody and thumbs up for this video.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think it's the worst when people (regardless of their sex) have to go through a romantic relationship with these monsters. I come from a narc "home," but I still think that what I went through made me really strong and I prefer that than falling in love with a toxic asshole. I'm glad the grey rock method is working well for you and a lot of other people.
Your story is so similar to mine, its Karma and was all brought on by themselves. Mine too is struggling, grey rock is hard but it's the only way...you can't go giving these people your empathy because you know it will be used against you
The thing About this is before in a relationship with this person you were being abused you know all of the typical narcissistic abuse : gaslighting, humiliation, manipulation, rage and overall disrespect but when you start doing grey rock and observe don’t absorb it seems like the rage is on a whole new level. They are always coming at you and you feel like you have absolutely no peace. Before at least you had tiny moments of peace in between. What is the best thing to reassure yourself that doing this is better than just suffering through a relationship with them until you can get away. Sometimes it just feels like it’s worse. They are always coming at you in this rage through yelling and insults and it seems like the more you don’t react emotionally by saying things back it seems like the more they come at you. It feels like you are under water gasping for a little bit of air. What words can you tell yourself when you feel like this? Also when everyone else is believe the lies and mask of the narcissist and looking at you like you are provoking them with your grey rock techniques. The loneliness is something that is present. It is stressful to be in the line of fire all the time. Thoughts?
I am looking into grey rock, because I have had a narcissistic boss for 5 years at a job I have had for 20. I didn't know what narcissism was until the past few months. I got stuck in a loop of thinking they would get better. They use words that sound like they are listening, but then more of the same, and you start feeling insane. I am trying to find an escape path, but feel lost having this job for so long. They are so eager for obedience and control, rather than respecting individual relationships.
I sort of tried this with a particularly obnoxious narcissist but I quickly found that they 'went off'. The thing with narcissists is they're not usually dumb people. They research the same things we do and they know the methods we use. I ended up having to leave that situation because this narcissist was never going to stop and it was wearing me down emotionally being accused of everything under the sun and having her childish tactics turn people against me. I just couldn't. I am glad I left. I am much happier today and now I recognize damaged people faster and try not to get involved from the get go. I am far more cynical about people when I first meet them now. I have a sort of "prove you're not effed up" stance towards most people now before I am willing to let them into my life.
I have smokey quartz to carry. My mother taught me this grey rock technique but she called it foggy clouds... when someone attempts to get in your head and evoke a reaction, you create a fog they can't navigate thru & you with your vulnerabilities become hidden in a dense fog. This was twenty years ago back when people didn't define narcissistic behaviour... I love grey rock method but you have to keep it up and don't show your weak spots. I love this video!!
Hi Christina, I just wanted to say thank you for saving me from a disastrous future with a covert narcissist. Cliff notes version, I stumbled on your channel from Google because I thought I was going crazy. I typed something about my girlfriend is hot/cold, irrational and then sweet. I watched all your videos and majority of the topics and habits you discussed are on point. As if you were describing my now ex. I can't thank you enough and if you ever need a volunteer to share their story I would be more than happy to do so. Thank you once again
I've been hoovered twice in this 8 year relationship, and I just left for the third time. I WANT it to be final. As long as words come out of his mouth, there will be manipulation involved. He never leaves a second of silence or peace. It's all full of narcissistic manipulations based on what he *thinks* I want. Nothing was ever from the heart. I hope to God I can grey rock with him. He gets so frustrated by that. I need to keep MY ego in check. I do NOT need to respond. 💔 I can do it. ❤️ I'm so scared he's going to use our kids to punish me. 💔
I am so so certain you can do this. You have already displayed how strong you are, you are in control of your future and I think gray rocking is a good choice, please know that there is whole community out here to help you as well ❤️
Thank you for a detailed description of the differences between grey rock and silent treatment. Grey rock is a self-preservation and self- protection technique, it takes me several days or weeks to recover from some encounters and I am unable to engage and If I have to I use grey rock. There is no manipulation or playing any games in grey rock. Thank you❤
You look really good in this video. I keep letting the narcissist back in I cant believe how stupid I am. I think i'll just block her this time thanks for the tips
I let mine back in too. The love bombing is so wonderful... but then comes the pain. Just when I think I'm gonna be finished with him, the next love bomb is better than the last. You run away but find that you're running in circles, right? I know!!🤷♀️
thats truly hard to not want them back. Because we are so used to be busy looking for what it is really - i was spending my days without thinking about my work task, trying to figure it out his behavior or response or change of attitude. It was so draining. Mine was married for 11 yrs (recently divorced as i had confirmation), in the meantime, he was dating a woman not far away from his household (while married) that he shared a 7 yr relationship... and then as a pilot he has multiple 'gf' all around. When he was with me he was bragging to others and call me gf as we were just starting to date. the love-bombing was so extreme that i back down my guard. and believed he was truly 'in love' with me. But yet i could get a hold on him too long. he found excuses on how i could visit him or why he couldn't be with me... and why he didn't like to be seen 'online' on WhatsApp or in another app we were communicating - as he was living for now and until May in another state. But sometime in his videos, i could catch the fakeness in his words or intonation of his voice. I just couldn't think it would be possible someone could fake that much and that deep... Good luck to you tho
The now-ex was confused, at first. He was so used to my defending myself or arguing with him that when I would non-answer - boring tone/no emotion/etc. - “Whatever you say, Dear,” he was stopped in his “button-pushing” and didn’t know what to say next. I found that by the time I left - about 6 months of grey rocking - I was almost numb and emotionless. It took being on my own in my new residence for a few months before I could feel normally again. Not having to carefully consider my responses allowed me to be ME. This is definitely not a technique for long-term use. I will be three years of no contact, March 14th of this year. LOVING the peace and quiet! Blessings!❤️
Thank you!! Sometimes I would pray for a silent treatment, and I wouldn't come to them. The silent treatment from the NARC was a FUCKING.BREAK. Forgive me forreal it was
It is weird that if you're better at that, they will try to gaslight you into believing that you don't have conversation skills. We need to stop worrying too much about what people think about us.
I really like your clear expiation to the "grey rock method" and how to use it. I like the idea of carrying a grey rock with me, to remind me not to react emotionally when I need to be around the narcissist, and to bring my focus on my own responses. and to become boring to them. This is. very helpful. Thank you for your videos. God Bless.
#3 so much!! The narcissist will learn your triggers. Beware! Concentrate on not reacting! Concentrate on breathing through the trigger and congratulating yourself in your head for not taking the bait. I'm getting better at it. It's hardest when you have to see this person but it's been awhile so you don't have your shields up lol. Then they hit you with button pushing and suddenly you're like Like Skywalker but in boring, dull, uninteresting, grey rock camo.
I forced everyone to change around me by applying the gray rock method and changing the way i want through the world. I suffer from my nervous system being frayed profoundly from so much stress. I changed my diet so its healthier, low lights, candles lit, low instrumental music ( no words) , no coffee or sodas as it agrivates my nervous system. Noise cancelling earbuds, especially in grocery stores. When i made a very visible change everyone changed around me. Yea the two Narcissists were not as easy but they have caught on. Some people thought it was freaky initially but came to apply it in thwir lufe. I have no choice because it got so bad i could bare function. I cried at the slightest thing. I was traumatized.
I'm LIVING grey rock. It's not a life. This is funny because I was just told it's my fault he's mad every second of the day🤣🤣and is looking for more affection after cheating! but I can't and won't. I am praying about when and how to divorce once and for all. Much love n God bless❤🌹🙏😊
Grey Rock is taking back control, and refusing to be manipulated. It's choosing to respond, and not to wear our feelings on our sleeves with someone who is using and abusing. It's setting boundaries and choosing who you allow close. We shouldn't we shouldn't be open and disclose emotions to someone who's shown they are abusive. Grey Rock is a way to put distance in place with someone you cannot go no contact with, putting you back in the drivers seat of yourself. It's about not being attractive to an abusive person by giving them, "supply." It's allowing them to experience the consequences of their own behavior, instead of enabling them.
After becoming enlightened to this method via struggles with psychological predators with NPD and ASPD, now I use it with strangers in general. It healed my social anxiety, after over a decade of trying.
I like this term... I had my "grey rock" game on point until my narcissistic family member discovered FB and "friended" everyone... I had to change it up... sigh... it is astounding how every communication becomes an opportunity to create conflict and win to satisfy a fragile ego... life!
Maybe, but... if we employ only the emotions that improve our situation? Maybe we’ll feel more alive and loving toward the people in our world that respect and love us?
Thank you so much for this video, I have been struggling with the gray rock technique and this is really helpful advice. My ex and I own a house together so I can't go no contact yet, but I'm going to celebrate on the day when I don't have to have anything to do with her ever again
I love how you presented the info in this video. Not judging others came across loud and clear. I recently tried the grey rock technique on friend's narcissistic spouse. My choice is either to stop going out with my friend, or learn how to navigate this a-hole. it worked. Being codependent is my issue. That came from being raise by narcissistic parents. While it worked the last time I did it, I need to remember, that whenever in his company 'ALWAYS' remember to use 'grey rock technique plus zero eye contact. I need to keep reminding myself, because as someone mentioned below, it's hard to realize you can't speak normally to a narc. I found a small grey rock which I will carry in pocket to remind myself when we go out.
Perhaps you might play act an example? I explained gray rock to my therapist - not reacting to the bait. She stated that she does it under certain situations. For those of us who were raised “arguing “, we obviously don’t know what “normal” looks like. Thank you for this video. A valuable tool to learn. I’m going outside to get a rock right now. Then I’ll watch this again.
Thank you again, This knowledge is priceless.....only if this was taught in school, or even college I would pay for this class. You are helping so many of us out of hell, literal hell. 🙏🏼
NC, I agree. I was just this morning thinking, if I had known this stuff 20 years ago, I certainly would have taught classes on avoiding bullying very very differently.
this method has worked wonders, my brother was my abuser and has violent NPD. i moved out but i was still letting him hurt me emotionally via text and call. our mom got cancer and passed, i found out he stole thousands of dollars from her while i was on food stamps. I plan on going no contact, but for now i need to deal with him because we are responsible for her estate, selling the house ect. This method has worked wonders, eventually he gave up trying to get a rise out of me.
My mother was a covert narcissist (father full blown N). They're both deceased and I'm just now seeking to understand the consequences as an adult with grown children. After listening to this video, I recognize that gray rock is my default strategy to communicating with ANYONE who isn't part of my very small, very close do-or-die group of friends, which are really the only people other than my kids that I trust. Do you have a video on how people like me can learn to develop relationships that aren't so black and white - either in the trust bucket (very few) or the aquaintance bucket, with not much in between? I'd like to work on my emotional growth in that area, even at my age, to improve my interpersonal skills and overall quality of life.
It's funny, I was confused about the difference between grey rocking and the silent treatment, but your explanation was perfect. I did feel a tad guilty but have been kind of amused that the two main narcs in my life I haven't managed to get rid of yet ( my 90 yo mother and my elder sister) are giving me the silent treatment whilst I am grey rocking them! In the long run, I'm healing whilst they are fading and that's all that matters. Keeping things close is a good tip and I will be mindful of slipping into explanations or tellings. Thank you for taking the time to post, your videos make a big difference to us all out here seeking solace. Much appreciated.
Thank you. This is a amazing because I can see how people can confuse the gray rock method as silent treatment and some people will confuse a great Rock method as silent treatment but it's not silent treatment it's just not giving them any motions you can have a conversation with them and not give them the reaction that they're looking for it and I think there's a fine line where people confuse it and they start giving the silent treatment instead of non-emotion
i just want to say thank you for all of your content . You explain things greatly, it's like you speak my language♥️ Your videos have gotten me so far out of the narc hole!!! I can't thank you enough
Thank you so much for this video. I will come back as a reminder to myself to keep trying to use this technique when needed. You are very good at giving great tips. Thank you so much!
Thank you for this wonderful informative video. I have been actively practicing the grey rock method. I have an emotional support group called Brave Angels South Africa where I help women that have been in abusive relationships rebuild and become emotionally stronger. I came out of a very abusive relationship and I had children with my ex abuser, ever since I have started using the grey rock method life has become much easier. I have even started teaching my teenage children the grey rock method as their father was very abusive towards them as well. It takes a lot of practice but it's worth it in the end.
I employed grey rock with my mother for awhile before her recent death. I was glad I maintained some contact with her as I have no regrets about her physical care at the end. I was there... not as much as the golden child- but enough to escape the untethered flying monkeys' attention. That was intentional, as the flying monkeys still exist and cause drama in your life if they feel they can criticize you for something. As it is- they came after my golden child sister for not having a huge funeral during Covid. Yep- she suffered agony guilt pangs over not throwing a big tribute when people reprimanded her for keeping the service small and simple. That's because she has always been the sibling "in charge". No one expected me to spearhead a big funeral, so I didn't catch any flack. She offloaded and projected a bit on me during the whole thing... didn't like taking the responsibility. But, I had already shored up my position by being mostly grey rock for many months/years in anticipation of the inevitable. Grey rock is hard- no contact is easier but you have to deal with being painted black by the rest of the family/friends who are mostly just naive and have been bamboozled by the narc. You are the one who actually feels the effects of the narc's ugly ways...not them. They see only the charming side. They haven't had to fight the narc to throw out 7 year post expired food out of her pantry (because it's wasting money) when her cans are exploding. (Many hoarders are narcs who care more for their crap than their kids). They haven't played card/board games where she cheated to win because... that's who she was. She thanked my husband for presents I bought for her, and when I left him at home on visits.. was oh so disappointed. Yes, so... every day brings perspective and a little healing.
So often the simple solution eludes us: consider how off-putting the narcissist's behavior is to you...and then dish that to the narc, see how well they cope with it.
Thank you When you need to keep this person/ narcissist in your life, & have to continue communicating. Respond but do not react. Become boring. Dull, uninteresting. Become forgettable Do NOT engage. Different from silent treatment: Silent treatment: form of punishment , temporary, manipulation. Grey rock: self preservation, setting boundaries, changing dynamics of relationship, they hit a wall Give yourself a prep talk Narcissistic: twist and turn > Emotional abuse. Grey rock Move away from their bubble 2/ Keep a visual reminder 3/ acknowledge when you feel the need to explain: listen to how you are EMOTIONALLY: are you being reactive 4/ most difficult in the beginning. N needs your reactions! Be patient. They will learn every time they hit your boundary, you choose not to react
Thank you for this channel. So much. Thanks to you, I finally understand what is happening here. For five years now. I already was in the process of getting away, searching for an own place. It is easier for me now thanks to you how to behave. How to survive. Literally, unfortunately. I really hope I will succeed. And life will get better. Thank you. Much love,
I didn't even know that it was called this until another commenter brought it up when we were talking about stoicism. The "grey rock" not only works, it can actually be scary to an abuser because they don't know your intentions with them afterward. They are going to be terrified that they may wake up any night to the sight of fast moving flames engulfing their entire home, with all escape routes blocked. They don't know and it will make them paranoid.
The biggest difference is grey rock is help you put up with someone that you have to Put up with but you would rather NOT put up with them at all. Narcs use manipulation and the silent treatment to deal with you when they want to in order to keep your self esteem so low that they can come back and use you further. Big difference
I Grey rocked a couple narcissists at separate times not knowing what I was doing. I was cordial but completely bored with them and they new it. I wasn't hot or cold with anything they had to say. They wanted to influence me but couldn't get a rise from me. I was so exhausted with them and their behavior's that I could only be bland. 😂😂😂
I’ve done grey rock for so long in my marriage (I know, not recommended, but there are 4 young kids involved) that I get accused of being non-emotional and flat with him and faking happiness with my kids. So he sees it but can’t comprehend why I might need to be this way with him and a different way with my kids. But I do know my emotions are always dampened a bit when at home. When I am out and about and with friends I try to be conscious about really being me. This is after being depressed for sooooo long around almost everybody until I figured it out.
My gray rock method is to accept contact but never initiate. Because there are practical reasons to maintain some form of contact when necessary but limit it to only what is required. I don’t give them any information to feed on.
Unfortunately my ex husband and our 2nd eldest Son now age 27 are both narcissists 😔 I love them both so very much because they both possess lovely qualities at times. However I have had to grey rock them both as the emotional abuse was horrific. I was always blamed for everything that had gone wrong in their lives. It's bizarre because our eldest Son age 31, our 3rd Son and 18 and our 14 year old daughter are all absolutely lovely, kind and thoughtful ❤ Not sure why my second Son is such a strong narcissist? He was parented exactly the same as the others. I've stopped blaming myself now for my failed marriage and son's issues. It is NOT my fault!
When my partner blamed me for all miseries of his life I told him that it means I have a great power over him and it actually means that I am able to manipulate him to do anything I want if I am to take responsibility for all his suffering. Well he didn't like it because he also loves bragging about how intelligent he is and how he's able to see through people's intentions and just watch as they do what he already predicted what they would do. So if that was really the case it would mean that he actually allowed me to manipulate him hence responsibility is his. Both options are not favourable for him. In first instance I'm the clever one and his stupid, in second he cannot blame anyone but himself so his accusations don't work. Tip: the guilt is THE FEELING. When you feel guilty people have power over you hence they try manipulate the narrative to give you the feeling to gain power over you. But RESPONSIBILITY depends on weather you actually did something and there were consequences that you have to own and deal with and whether something was in your area of duty to take care of. Everyone is responsible for themselves, for how they act and conduct themselves and what do they allow into their personal space from others. Here also comes the responsibility of establishing healthy boundaries.
Well, I blew it today! My narc decided , on my birthday, to interrupt what I was doing to ask me some really dumb questions about something that wasn’t important at all. I told him I didn’t know. He kept asking. I got frustrated and left the room. So much for gray rock.
Thank you for your informative video on grey rock ..I use these things to continue my DBT therapy skills n help me be mindful and not throw my reasoning skills out the window. Been w my spouse 4 years n lately it's like we hate each other but I know theres more potential than what's in front of my eyes cause weve had great year but life has ups n downs n we always need to be educated n learning n growing in life ..thank you
Have you ever struggled with gray rock? What have been your biggest struggles?
Yes I have Christina ! Going no contact can be difficult when you have them as neighbors . Same with family members .
Very true. If only it were easy, we'd all be there ❤🙏
@@CommonEgo Yes for sure !
Yes! When he realized I was not going to react he would keep up the verbal attacks until he drew tears. Even if it took an hour, he'd keep going. After he could get tears, he'd yell that I love to cry to manipulate him.
Emotional regulation when he's known how to control me for 7 years. Ugh....
I thought I was such a crappy person, doing nothing significant, just wanting to be alone all the time... I was just trying to protect myself.
And you have every right to protect yourself. We should never feel bad about setting boundaries ❤🙏
Oh my god!!!! I feel the same way and my energy vampire friend makes me feel so bad and guilty for not hanging out with her.
You've described my life. But some avoidance is still helpful. We just need to flip the script
@@vijayat8082 That's SO GRINDING. The needy guilt trip, the constant "where r u?" Even when it's not a thing! Maybe you just met the person. Or just showing up. GOT A PHONE? Use it. Hard to stay grey rock
alone! How wonderful that is!!! no incoming crap. take up walking a dog. Girls exercize. OPPS lost my hearing...My whole successful life has been gray rocking... living alone is the best...any job will do...Grab a bus go 4 states away. Leave no trackable address... these people are on the edge of violence & DESTRUCTION OF YOU& your kids
My tip: get an actual small gray rock, and keep in in your hand. In convo, squeeze it, run your fingers over it, and remember the game that's being played.
LOVE this!!!
I think I shared the same tip. It's a good one 😊
I think she mentioned that in the video.
@Shaunn Holden Sounds tempting 😉
OMG!!!! 🖤🖤🖤 THANK YOU!
I used the lesser known "gay-rock:" technique ...worked great on my ex girlfriend....she completely started ignoring me once she was convinced that I was gay...life is fabulous now...
Lollll 😂
I needed this 😂😂😂 Thanks 🙏
🤣🤣
Ahahahaha. It really be necessary sometimes
😂😂
It IS hard not to fall into a false sense that you can talk normally to the narc. I catch myself many times, about to start a conversation, then realizing he CANNOT be in a normal conversation with me. It's a good thing I have many friends and lots to listen to on my computer.
Linda Moore Yep. Me, too. I keep forgetting during the love bombing or hoovering.
Same here, just when I think maybe just maybe I can have a normal conversation with my father he always makes me regret being nice. These people are severely ill in their heads
My narc ex moved us 55 times in 35 years so I never really got to know people. The three close friends I did have all died. Now I am living with my narc mom while in transition and hoping to leave soon
I can relate! They act so friendly and sweet at first, but I know that if I engage, they're just going to say something hurtful.
This is SO true!
I started doing this, he’s started doing the love bombing again, buying me things, asking about my family, who he never bothers with, he looks confused , like why is she so cold, why isant she trying anymore .
They do get very confused! ❤🙏
Im not trying to pry. But recently within the last few weeks i stumbled across this channel..ive been with a covert (my own non medical diagnosis based on behavior,patterns,fights,awful things said etc.) Ive been disguarded alot...and currntly right smack in the middle of a hoover that im going to cave to. Ive told him and myself..i k ow ur next move. I just need to find out for myself tho i guess. Any tips? On how to stop wanting the covert after the disguard is goin to inevitably happen in the future that i say im prepared for but will crush evetything inside me when it comes...
Since binge watching many, many videos about narcissism, I've become much wiser to the wiles of the narc in my life. Right now we are quarantined in the same apartment, but with so much more wisdom acquired from all I'm hearing, I'm more able to put these things into practice. I'm giving him the grey rock now, only answering what he asks me about, giving little to no feedback, just polite yes or no answers. I can see him try to get me into the same old routine of fighting but I'm getting stronger at not taking the bait. I appreciate your videos. Thank you.
Just catching the video now. I was moved by your comment. I hope things are good for you! 💐🌻💐
@@blueeyes6852 Thank you. It's much better now that covid restrictions are easing up. The restrictions sure made things harder though.
The old routine of fighting is their drug. They need a rush of adrenaline that comes from it. That's what they are familiar with and what makes them feel good. They're junkies preying on their suppliers hence they used to be called energy vampires.
I'm usually ok with gray rock by now but it was definitely hard in the beginning. Like you said, I'd always want to defend myself. Just wish I didn't have to deal with these people at all. I'm so tired of their nonsense
I'm with ya there 🙏❤
So agree with you. It’s tough. The narcissists usually work hard on entrapping people and also make it hard to leave without damage.
I have a friend who struggles with a narc more than me. I don’t attract them as much and I am able to get gray rocking faster than my friend.
I feel sooo bad when I see my friend struggle and lose their health over draining arguments when they are attacked.
What can I tell my friend to finally convince them to stop reacting and engaging. The friend immediately reacts and understandably wants to defend their name against unfair accusations.
OOOOooo! When you said, "If you're feeling the need to explain yourself, you're triggered." omg. It stung but a brilliant lightbulb went on for me. This video was extremely helpful for me! I got a lot of useful tips and insight from everything you said. Thank you for not taking a judgmental approach about the choices people who find themselves in difficult situations decide to undertake depending on their life circumstances. I really appreciate that you're here to help us w/o judgment, criticism or pushing dogmatic decisions.
I totally agree.
I see a big difference between silent treatment and grey rock. Silent treatment is passive-AGRESSIVE. Grey rock is passive-NEUTRAL. Grey rock can honestly say "I'm not intersted." and just keep repeating "I'm not interested" over and over, which lets the other person know exactly why you are not engaging. Grey rock does not play guess-games it says what it means "I'm not interested any more". That's the truth and so cannot be manipulation. Grey rock simply withdraws emotions without trying to control the other person. Silent treatment plays on emotions, trying to control or change the other person. This is a HUGE difference. I don't know how people don't see it. Grey rocks allows you to remain respectful. Silent treatment allows you to get sadistic pleasure at the emotional effect it has on the other person.
great
Perfectly explained. I did both and yes, they are very different. When I did silent treatment it actually hurt me more. When I went gray rock they were the ones confused and I was finally at peace because I gained back my control by setting boundaries to protect myself.
@@fancy928 I like how you put that. Yes!
@@grawakendream8980 thank you!
Great explanation!
In short: Grey rock simply withdraws emotions (with short answer/explanation). Silent treatment plays on emotions(with no answer/explanation.)
I would absolutely agree with this. When I’ve used the grey rock technique it was because we got to the point that there was NO longer any emotions or feelings for the person at all, and we just wanted to get out of the toxic cycle of drama
Very very difficult, almost impossible, to do for some people who are being yelled at by one or hearing that 'ohhh''' disgusted tone.. one word, and they say it in the most disgusted tone. "Ok, I see what you're doin' is something else they will say. Then, they start the physical abuse by moving things in your space, touching your property, ignoring your boundaries, all to get you to talk. I do not recommend 'grey rock' at all, unless you are strong enough to not want to cry after they talk to you and strong enough to say 'I don't care' they yell and scream and threaten and 'I don't care... I still feel this way'. STOP FIGHTING BACK WITH THEM . Stop defending yourself, was the best advice heard . All they want is a reaction, any reaction. They get off on your tears or sadness or reactions. They get off on your no reaction.
@@nenel604 Instead of giving a reaction thats negative. Try focusing on healthy, boundary inclined reactions. So if your narcissist is yelling at you... don't cry or react, try to think more rationally about the situation. So for example, this person is yelling at you calling you useless... you could say something with no attitude or no emotion, almost carefree NOT careless- carefree. And u could say you may feel that way right now but I have to do homework or work or something productive. So instead of wasting time fighting with them, don't yell or get upset, avoid the fight or confrontation altogether calmly with no attitude and go do something healthy that needs to be done. It's a good excuse and they can't stop you without being the jerk themselves because you didn't get attitude or upset, you are just focusing on your goals. Idk if all that makes sense but it works lol
Certain individuals use the gray rock method as a weapon in conversation why is that?
I actually have been gray Rocking my narc mom but with a lightness and kindness so that way she doesn't feel disrespected. It has confused her and made her paranoid.
I have already been doing this and I had no idea it had a name. I am so proud of myself I can hold my composure 95% of the time. I do have weak points that are almost impossible to protect but I will get there.😁
It’s the only way to minimize the drama in a no win situation as they can’t help to be disagreeable
Monosyllables and zipped lips are now my best friends when I’m around narcs.
I've just gotten out of a 12 year narcissist relationship, and previous was 10 years with a borderline personality... I'm 45 and I don't even know who I am anymore.. I've always found the beauty in people it's a gift and a curse I suppose... I guess I just want to say thank you for this information because I'm lost right now and at least I know I'm not alone.
Oaken same..i think maybe we need time away and healing.. Its too much and everyone deserves peace. Good luck to you🌹
I'm so sorry. Stay strong. You will find yourself
Oaken it’s good to find the beauty! But don’t ignore the bad either! Just because someone seems nice for a while doesn’t mean you hand them over your life and heartL just take the blinders offs
Don't know but maybe midlife can be hard. Maybe you came to this realization that you struggled so much when you were young, and now all that's left is to get old. It can't be that way. Cant let it. It can get ugly fast.
Me too. Feel like I am some alien in an ocean of narcs, so who am I? You are not alone. Like waking up from a dream in the land of OZ. Like taking the red pill & waking up in a vierdvorld I no longer recognize. Hang in there.
I love it!
"Anything you say or do can and probably will be used against you."
Thanks
GUYS!! TODAY WAS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT GREY ROCK. I FEEL SO DIFFERENT. No emotional upheavals,. I feel funny. My narc kept at it for 2 hours straight but I didn't budge. I wrote some reminders and put them in front of me. Then concentrated on some lame video game. If I felt like saying something I said it to myself internally. He kept coming with newer and newer ridiculous accusations. I kept singing to my self consistently in a fun tone "He's sick. not me, he needs to bark, cz his life depends on it, NOT MINE"...I know it sounds silly but it worked. He's been harassing & threatening me on calls for 6 months straight that I was beginning to feel suicidal again. Having come a long way from BPD, it would have been a real shame if I gave up now. I made a habit checklist now, and day 1 CHECKED! Will keep updating.
I love this!! Does not sound silly at all. I appreciate you taking the time to share this as I am going through a difficult time with a nac. I found this very helpful. 🙏
Yessss
This is genius. I have 2 narcissists in my immediate family. Your videos showed me how I feed them by arguing with them. I had no idea how to stand up for myself but I can see how helpful this must be! Big thank you!!! 😎😎😎
I love how you get straight to the point. RUclipsrs who blab before getting to the point or ask you to like/subscribe before we can even watch the video to decide if we want to is insane to me.
I went grey rock with my " narc " friends once I became aware of their toxicity aa well as partner. It's about pulling back to respond but staying non reactive.They are unable to hook or trigger you if YOU don't let them. It's a very powerful practise of self discipline. The silent treatment is giving the cold shoulder by deliberately ignoring someone or ghosting, where as grey rock is staying neutral while continuing to interact with narcissist.
I use this with my highly abusive, narcissistic boss. Until I can get another job outside the team, this is my technique. I’ve been calling it ‘being as invisible as possible’ so that they actually forget I exist. It’s so they forget to pick me as their next (or regular) bullying victim. It works too. I come off as boring for them and I’m not an interesting victim because I don’t react, I give them blandness. It’s grey rock. I like this.
The Gray Rock technique helps when caregiving any type of emotional abuser. When you’re not sure how long it will go on, you have to use every strategy in the book!
I’m disabled and my mom is the narcissist. Our entire life is a game of ‘who has it worse?’. It’s exhausting.
I've been married for 11 years.. and I have been separated from my narcissist husband for one month.
Yesterday my covert narcissist husband.. called my brother at work.
Telling him he has been calling your sister for quite some time and she won't answer his phone calls.. that's because I have his number blocked. All of this is very new to me..🤷 I have my weak moments.. but I'm going to stay strong 💪💪 and stay no contact.. you guys pray for me 🙏 that I don't become weak and bondable.👌👍
Stay strong. 🖤 You are in my prayers... 🌬🦅
It's a month later. How are you doing? I'm hoping for you to stick to your guns, as the the saying goes. Forgive yourself your weak moments, but I have faith in you that you'll get better and better at maintaining those boundaries! Keep at it.
Good job.
How are you doing, Kathy? Hang in there.
Hang in there Kathy. Hoping your brother can assist in setting some boundaries and request that he not contact you. Time will help heal you and good for you for getting free. I know the shame I felt at being duped - how could I have let it happen? Break ups are hard enough - be kind to yourself, seek help, stay the course and you will get yourself back in time.
Thank you for saying it's not ok to judge someone who has to stay in relationship we already feel bad, so thank you for validation that means so much
Good tips! They are also good for dealing with people who aren't necessarily a narc, but won't respect your boundaries, or is just socially inept.
The strange thing about Narcissistic person is they convince you that you're the one that is not comlying to the situation that is to their advantage all the time. I realized i was being manipulated all the time to let them take away everything from me. When i started gray rocking i feel healthier and less controlled. I feel lighter
0:48 - What is gray rock?
1:43 - Rules of gray rock
4:10 - Who should use the gray rock method
6:02 - Gray rock vs silent treatment
6:48 - Gray rock vs silent treatment
9:21 - Tip 1
11:01 - Tip 2
11:24 - Tip 3
13:24 - Tip 4
This is 5th video on subject and the compassion I felt from her is amazing!
Thanks, it as going around and around
I never knew what grey Rock was until my mother my aunt and pretty much like most fucked-up women in my family started doing this shit to me why is it only women that do this?
Although I'm sure it's a decent tactic protect yourself for someone who's fucked up and treating you like shit but when that is what they do in the very beginning when that's how they get out of any type of conversation when gray rocking is the only tactic that they have because your words make too much sense what is that called why do they how is it that they are capable of weaponizing The Grey Rock method I recently learned that my mother is not only an alcoholic but a narcissist and I tried to help her but all I get is the gray Rock
4:10. Who should not use the gray rock method.
The fact we have a right to change the context and acknowledging when we are being triggered hit home! Thank you!
Hihi Christina. I 'grey rocked' my ex partner yesterday. She is a covert narcissist person. We still work for the same organization. I didn't see her for I think 3 or 4 months and yesterday I met her in passing by in a stairwell entrance. As if she saw a ghost. I actually had to look clearly if it really was her. I said hello while passing her. She said hello back in kind of sad tone. I just walked on and had a smile within me. Man, she didn't look so well and how she hates me because I saw through her façade and flaws. All dressed up in black and quite exhausted she looked. Per haps she has still such a 'hard life' and oh we all have to feel sorry for her. I continued my day at work. Have a nice weekend everybody and thumbs up for this video.
I'm so glad to hear about how well you handled that encounter. You have a great weekend too! 🙏❤
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think it's the worst when people (regardless of their sex) have to go through a romantic relationship with these monsters. I come from a narc "home," but I still think that what I went through made me really strong and I prefer that than falling in love with a toxic asshole. I'm glad the grey rock method is working well for you and a lot of other people.
Your story is so similar to mine, its Karma and was all brought on by themselves. Mine too is struggling, grey rock is hard but it's the only way...you can't go giving these people your empathy because you know it will be used against you
Thank you so much. Just started gray rock yesterday. It will be hard in the beginning like you said. Gotta remain strong. 💪🏻
The thing About this is before in a relationship with this person you were being abused you know all of the typical narcissistic abuse : gaslighting, humiliation, manipulation, rage and overall disrespect but when you start doing grey rock and observe don’t absorb it seems like the rage is on a whole new level. They are always coming at you and you feel like you have absolutely no peace. Before at least you had tiny moments of peace in between. What is the best thing to reassure yourself that doing this is better than just suffering through a relationship with them until you can get away. Sometimes it just feels like it’s worse. They are always coming at you in this rage through yelling and insults and it seems like the more you don’t react emotionally by saying things back it seems like the more they come at you. It feels like you are under water gasping for a little bit of air. What words can you tell yourself when you feel like this? Also when everyone else is believe the lies and mask of the narcissist and looking at you like you are provoking them with your grey rock techniques. The loneliness is something that is present. It is stressful to be in the line of fire all the time. Thoughts?
I am looking into grey rock, because I have had a narcissistic boss for 5 years at a job I have had for 20. I didn't know what narcissism was until the past few months. I got stuck in a loop of thinking they would get better. They use words that sound like they are listening, but then more of the same, and you start feeling insane. I am trying to find an escape path, but feel lost having this job for so long. They are so eager for obedience and control, rather than respecting individual relationships.
I sort of tried this with a particularly obnoxious narcissist but I quickly found that they 'went off'. The thing with narcissists is they're not usually dumb people. They research the same things we do and they know the methods we use. I ended up having to leave that situation because this narcissist was never going to stop and it was wearing me down emotionally being accused of everything under the sun and having her childish tactics turn people against me. I just couldn't. I am glad I left. I am much happier today and now I recognize damaged people faster and try not to get involved from the get go. I am far more cynical about people when I first meet them now. I have a sort of "prove you're not effed up" stance towards most people now before I am willing to let them into my life.
What a relief.... I thought i was going crazy trying and trying the gray rocking. Taking my power back!
I can’t believe you said to carry a gray rock-I already do that! I am so grateful for your channel and others like yours. Thank you
Great minds... 😊❤
I have smokey quartz to carry. My mother taught me this grey rock technique but she called it foggy clouds... when someone attempts to get in your head and evoke a reaction, you create a fog they can't navigate thru & you with your vulnerabilities become hidden in a dense fog. This was twenty years ago back when people didn't define narcissistic behaviour... I love grey rock method but you have to keep it up and don't show your weak spots. I love this video!!
mickey Jarrett wow that is so insightful.
@@anneervin-mccartney3113
thanks Anne, back then people used "crystal magic"... we're daughters of hippies❤
Hi Christina,
I just wanted to say thank you for saving me from a disastrous future with a covert narcissist. Cliff notes version, I stumbled on your channel from Google because I thought I was going crazy. I typed something about my girlfriend is hot/cold, irrational and then sweet. I watched all your videos and majority of the topics and habits you discussed are on point. As if you were describing my now ex. I can't thank you enough and if you ever need a volunteer to share their story I would be more than happy to do so. Thank you once again
I've been hoovered twice in this 8 year relationship, and I just left for the third time. I WANT it to be final. As long as words come out of his mouth, there will be manipulation involved. He never leaves a second of silence or peace. It's all full of narcissistic manipulations based on what he *thinks* I want. Nothing was ever from the heart. I hope to God I can grey rock with him. He gets so frustrated by that. I need to keep MY ego in check. I do NOT need to respond. 💔 I can do it. ❤️ I'm so scared he's going to use our kids to punish me. 💔
I am so so certain you can do this. You have already displayed how strong you are, you are in control of your future and I think gray rocking is a good choice, please know that there is whole community out here to help you as well ❤️
Narcissists change the dynamics of relationship frequently.
U have every right to do that ❤
Thank you for a detailed description of the differences between grey rock and silent treatment. Grey rock is a self-preservation and self- protection technique, it takes me several days or weeks to recover from some encounters and I am unable to engage and If I have to I use grey rock. There is no manipulation or playing any games in grey rock. Thank you❤
You look really good in this video. I keep letting the narcissist back in I cant believe how stupid I am. I think i'll just block her this time thanks for the tips
I let mine back in too. The love bombing is so wonderful... but then comes the pain. Just when I think I'm gonna be finished with him, the next love bomb is better than the last. You run away but find that you're running in circles, right? I know!!🤷♀️
thats truly hard to not want them back. Because we are so used to be busy looking for what it is really - i was spending my days without thinking about my work task, trying to figure it out his behavior or response or change of attitude. It was so draining. Mine was married for 11 yrs (recently divorced as i had confirmation), in the meantime, he was dating a woman not far away from his household (while married) that he shared a 7 yr relationship... and then as a pilot he has multiple 'gf' all around. When he was with me he was bragging to others and call me gf as we were just starting to date. the love-bombing was so extreme that i back down my guard. and believed he was truly 'in love' with me. But yet i could get a hold on him too long. he found excuses on how i could visit him or why he couldn't be with me... and why he didn't like to be seen 'online' on WhatsApp or in another app we were communicating - as he was living for now and until May in another state. But sometime in his videos, i could catch the fakeness in his words or intonation of his voice. I just couldn't think it would be possible someone could fake that much and that deep... Good luck to you tho
@@MegaMickification 😞
The now-ex was confused, at first. He was so used to my defending myself or arguing with him that when I would non-answer - boring tone/no emotion/etc. - “Whatever you say, Dear,” he was stopped in his “button-pushing” and didn’t know what to say next.
I found that by the time I left - about 6 months of grey rocking - I was almost numb and emotionless.
It took being on my own in my new residence for a few months before I could feel normally again. Not having to carefully consider my responses allowed me to be ME.
This is definitely not a technique for long-term use.
I will be three years of no contact, March 14th of this year.
LOVING the peace and quiet!
Blessings!❤️
No contact is best when you can swing it. That "back to me" feeling is priceless! 🙏❤
Nettonya Ryane Congratulations! It really sucks that we have to change who we are on so many levels with these people.
Thank you!! Sometimes I would pray for a silent treatment, and I wouldn't come to them. The silent treatment from the NARC was a FUCKING.BREAK. Forgive me forreal it was
It is weird that if you're better at that, they will try to gaslight you into believing that you don't have conversation skills.
We need to stop worrying too much about what people think about us.
You have defined it in a nutshell. Thanks
You're welcome.
I really like your clear expiation to the "grey rock method" and how to use it. I like the idea of carrying a grey rock with me, to remind me not to react emotionally when I need to be around the narcissist, and to bring my focus on my own responses. and to become boring to them. This is. very helpful. Thank you for your videos. God Bless.
#3 so much!! The narcissist will learn your triggers. Beware! Concentrate on not reacting! Concentrate on breathing through the trigger and congratulating yourself in your head for not taking the bait. I'm getting better at it. It's hardest when you have to see this person but it's been awhile so you don't have your shields up lol. Then they hit you with button pushing and suddenly you're like Like Skywalker but in boring, dull, uninteresting, grey rock camo.
I forced everyone to change around me by applying the gray rock method and changing the way i want through the world. I suffer from my nervous system being frayed profoundly from so much stress. I changed my diet so its healthier, low lights, candles lit, low instrumental music ( no words) , no coffee or sodas as it agrivates my nervous system. Noise cancelling earbuds, especially in grocery stores. When i made a very visible change everyone changed around me. Yea the two Narcissists were not as easy but they have caught on. Some people thought it was freaky initially but came to apply it in thwir lufe. I have no choice because it got so bad i could bare function. I cried at the slightest thing. I was traumatized.
I just discovered this term and realized i've been doing this already as a coping technique. Who knew? Im learning so much.
I'm LIVING grey rock. It's not a life. This is funny because I was just told it's my fault he's mad every second of the day🤣🤣and is looking for more affection after cheating! but I can't and won't. I am praying about when and how to divorce once and for all. Much love n God bless❤🌹🙏😊
Thank you for your comment. Stay strong ❤🙏
j clemente Same boat. Exact same boat.
Grey Rock is taking back control, and refusing to be manipulated. It's choosing to respond, and not to wear our feelings on our sleeves with someone who is using and abusing. It's setting boundaries and choosing who you allow close. We shouldn't we shouldn't be open and disclose emotions to someone who's shown they are abusive. Grey Rock is a way to put distance in place with someone you cannot go no contact with, putting you back in the drivers seat of yourself. It's about not being attractive to an abusive person by giving them, "supply." It's allowing them to experience the consequences of their own behavior, instead of enabling them.
We can also call it becoming pure awareness in those times
After becoming enlightened to this method via struggles with psychological predators with NPD and ASPD, now I use it with strangers in general. It healed my social anxiety, after over a decade of trying.
I like this term... I had my "grey rock" game on point until my narcissistic family member discovered FB and "friended" everyone... I had to change it up... sigh... it is astounding how every communication becomes an opportunity to create conflict and win to satisfy a fragile ego... life!
FB can definitely feel like a toxic place. Especially now, (quarantine) with ppl writing whatever they think will trigger a reply/supply.
I feel like my emotions are dead and dying having to do this
Maybe, but... if we employ only the emotions that improve our situation? Maybe we’ll feel more alive and loving toward the people in our world that respect and love us?
Thank you so much for this video, I have been struggling with the gray rock technique and this is really helpful advice. My ex and I own a house together so I can't go no contact yet, but I'm going to celebrate on the day when I don't have to have anything to do with her ever again
Aside from Gray rocking I share what i believe her need is and that seems to settle her down a bit then i set out running or change the subject.
I love how you presented the info in this video. Not judging others came across loud and clear. I recently tried the grey rock technique on friend's narcissistic spouse. My choice is either to stop going out with my friend, or learn how to navigate this a-hole. it worked. Being codependent is my issue. That came from being raise by narcissistic parents. While it worked the last time I did it, I need to remember, that whenever in his company 'ALWAYS' remember to use 'grey rock technique plus zero eye contact. I need to keep reminding myself, because as someone mentioned below, it's hard to realize you can't speak normally to a narc. I found a small grey rock which I will carry in pocket to remind myself when we go out.
Perhaps you might play act an example? I explained gray rock to my therapist - not reacting to the bait. She stated that she does it under certain situations. For those of us who were raised “arguing “, we obviously don’t know what “normal” looks like. Thank you for this video. A valuable tool to learn. I’m going outside to get a rock right now. Then I’ll watch this again.
Great clip!
Observe but dont absorb....and set boundaries. Easy said not easy done
I was always having to defend myself!!! OMG!! I so fell for it! 😖
Your videos are immensely helpful to me. Thank you so much!!!!
So glad to hear it! Thanks for watching! ❤🙏
Thank you again, This knowledge is priceless.....only if this was taught in school, or even college I would pay for this class. You are helping so many of us out of hell, literal hell. 🙏🏼
NC, I agree. I was just this morning thinking, if I had known this stuff 20 years ago, I certainly would have taught classes on avoiding bullying very very differently.
Thank you so much. Grey rock is what i need now.
this method has worked wonders, my brother was my abuser and has violent NPD. i moved out but i was still letting him hurt me emotionally via text and call. our mom got cancer and passed, i found out he stole thousands of dollars from her while i was on food stamps. I plan on going no contact, but for now i need to deal with him because we are responsible for her estate, selling the house ect. This method has worked wonders, eventually he gave up trying to get a rise out of me.
On point. Very well explained. Thank u.
Self awareness (mindfulness) will help you distinguished whether you gray rocking or silent treatment.
My mother was a covert narcissist (father full blown N). They're both deceased and I'm just now seeking to understand the consequences as an adult with grown children. After listening to this video, I recognize that gray rock is my default strategy to communicating with ANYONE who isn't part of my very small, very close do-or-die group of friends, which are really the only people other than my kids that I trust. Do you have a video on how people like me can learn to develop relationships that aren't so black and white - either in the trust bucket (very few) or the aquaintance bucket, with not much in between? I'd like to work on my emotional growth in that area, even at my age, to improve my interpersonal skills and overall quality of life.
It's funny, I was confused about the difference between grey rocking and the silent treatment, but your explanation was perfect. I did feel a tad guilty but have been kind of amused that the two main narcs in my life I haven't managed to get rid of yet ( my 90 yo mother and my elder sister) are giving me the silent treatment whilst I am grey rocking them! In the long run, I'm healing whilst they are fading and that's all that matters. Keeping things close is a good tip and I will be mindful of slipping into explanations or tellings. Thank you for taking the time to post, your videos make a big difference to us all out here seeking solace. Much appreciated.
Oh wow!!! I was doing that and didn't even know what it was called. And it works very well. 😊
My father and my older brothers are narcissists... I cant move out yet so grey rock it is. I will try my best!
Love this, I am going to hold and keep a gray rock in my pocket
Thank you. This is a amazing because I can see how people can confuse the gray rock method as silent treatment and some people will confuse a great Rock method as silent treatment but it's not silent treatment it's just not giving them any motions you can have a conversation with them and not give them the reaction that they're looking for it and I think there's a fine line where people confuse it and they start giving the silent treatment instead of non-emotion
Had a narcissist gray rocking me, I really appreciate these vids...
Think I'm going to write a best selling book called fighting the drought, bushfires and covid 19 with a narcissist
i just want to say thank you for all of your content . You explain things greatly, it's like you speak my language♥️ Your videos have gotten me so far out of the narc hole!!! I can't thank you enough
Thank you so much for this video. I will come back as a reminder to myself to keep trying to use this technique when needed. You are very good at giving great tips. Thank you so much!
I’ve been grey rocking my whole life 😳
You have said everything that I never knew how to say.
Thank you for this wonderful informative video. I have been actively practicing the grey rock method. I have an emotional support group called Brave Angels South Africa where I help women that have been in abusive relationships rebuild and become emotionally stronger. I came out of a very abusive relationship and I had children with my ex abuser, ever since I have started using the grey rock method life has become much easier. I have even started teaching my teenage children the grey rock method as their father was very abusive towards them as well. It takes a lot of practice but it's worth it in the end.
I employed grey rock with my mother for awhile before her recent death. I was glad I maintained some contact with her as I have no regrets about her physical care at the end. I was there... not as much as the golden child- but enough to escape the untethered flying monkeys' attention. That was intentional, as the flying monkeys still exist and cause drama in your life if they feel they can criticize you for something. As it is- they came after my golden child sister for not having a huge funeral during Covid. Yep- she suffered agony guilt pangs over not throwing a big tribute when people reprimanded her for keeping the service small and simple. That's because she has always been the sibling "in charge". No one expected me to spearhead a big funeral, so I didn't catch any flack. She offloaded and projected a bit on me during the whole thing... didn't like taking the responsibility. But, I had already shored up my position by being mostly grey rock for many months/years in anticipation of the inevitable. Grey rock is hard- no contact is easier but you have to deal with being painted black by the rest of the family/friends who are mostly just naive and have been bamboozled by the narc. You are the one who actually feels the effects of the narc's ugly ways...not them. They see only the charming side. They haven't had to fight the narc to throw out 7 year post expired food out of her pantry (because it's wasting money) when her cans are exploding. (Many hoarders are narcs who care more for their crap than their kids). They haven't played card/board games where she cheated to win because... that's who she was. She thanked my husband for presents I bought for her, and when I left him at home on visits.. was oh so disappointed. Yes, so... every day brings perspective and a little healing.
Monumental !
Able used the silent treatment on Caine . ❤❤❤ Namaste 🙏 ❤
So often the simple solution eludes us: consider how off-putting the narcissist's behavior is to you...and then dish that to the narc, see how well they cope with it.
Thank you. Video was very helpful.
So glad to hear it, and thank you for watching! ❤🙏
Thank you
When you need to keep this person/ narcissist in your life, & have to continue communicating.
Respond but do not react.
Become boring. Dull, uninteresting.
Become forgettable
Do NOT engage.
Different from silent treatment:
Silent treatment: form of punishment , temporary, manipulation.
Grey rock: self preservation, setting boundaries, changing dynamics of relationship, they hit a wall
Give yourself a prep talk
Narcissistic: twist and turn >
Emotional abuse.
Grey rock
Move away from their bubble
2/ Keep a visual reminder
3/ acknowledge when you feel the need to explain: listen to how you are EMOTIONALLY: are you being reactive
4/ most difficult in the beginning. N needs your reactions! Be patient.
They will learn every time they hit your boundary, you choose not to react
What helps us not being a supply to them, is good.
Great 4 Techniques👍🏼✌🏼❤️✌🏼🌸☺️😌🙏🏻✌🏼🙏🏻🕉️💯🙏🏻 Dhanyavaad 🔥Jayatu
Thank you for this channel. So much. Thanks to you, I finally understand what is happening here. For five years now. I already was in the process of getting away, searching for an own place. It is easier for me now thanks to you how to behave. How to survive. Literally, unfortunately. I really hope I will succeed. And life will get better. Thank you.
Much love,
Very useful. Thank you.
I didn't even know that it was called this until another commenter brought it up when we were talking about stoicism. The "grey rock" not only works, it can actually be scary to an abuser because they don't know your intentions with them afterward. They are going to be terrified that they may wake up any night to the sight of fast moving flames engulfing their entire home, with all escape routes blocked. They don't know and it will make them paranoid.
I have been GR my narc mom over past 18 months and she has become very paranoid now.
The biggest difference is grey rock is help you put up with someone that you have to
Put up with but you would rather NOT put up with them at all. Narcs use manipulation and the silent treatment to deal with you when they want to in order to keep your self esteem so low that they can come back and use you further. Big difference
wow - thank you ma'am!
Same case here. It's in the past, but still trying to understand the difference.
I Grey rocked a couple narcissists at separate times not knowing what I was doing. I was cordial but completely bored with them and they new it. I wasn't hot or cold with anything they had to say. They wanted to influence me but couldn't get a rise from me. I was so exhausted with them and their behavior's that I could only be bland. 😂😂😂
I’ve done grey rock for so long in my marriage (I know, not recommended, but there are 4 young kids involved) that I get accused of being non-emotional and flat with him and faking happiness with my kids. So he sees it but can’t comprehend why I might need to be this way with him and a different way with my kids. But I do know my emotions are always dampened a bit when at home. When I am out and about and with friends I try to be conscious about really being me. This is after being depressed for sooooo long around almost everybody until I figured it out.
My gray rock method is to accept contact but never initiate. Because there are practical reasons to maintain some form of contact when necessary but limit it to only what is required. I don’t give them any information to feed on.
Oh wow! I guess I've been doing this with my bpd mother for a long time without realizing there was a term for it! Thanks for the video.
Unfortunately my ex husband and our 2nd eldest Son now age 27 are both narcissists 😔
I love them both so very much because they both possess lovely qualities at times.
However I have had to grey rock them both as the emotional abuse was horrific.
I was always blamed for everything that had gone wrong in their lives.
It's bizarre because our eldest Son age 31, our 3rd Son and 18 and our 14 year old daughter are all absolutely lovely, kind and thoughtful ❤
Not sure why my second Son is such a strong narcissist?
He was parented exactly the same as the others.
I've stopped blaming myself now for my failed marriage and son's issues.
It is NOT my fault!
When my partner blamed me for all miseries of his life I told him that it means I have a great power over him and it actually means that I am able to manipulate him to do anything I want if I am to take responsibility for all his suffering. Well he didn't like it because he also loves bragging about how intelligent he is and how he's able to see through people's intentions and just watch as they do what he already predicted what they would do. So if that was really the case it would mean that he actually allowed me to manipulate him hence responsibility is his. Both options are not favourable for him. In first instance I'm the clever one and his stupid, in second he cannot blame anyone but himself so his accusations don't work.
Tip: the guilt is THE FEELING. When you feel guilty people have power over you hence they try manipulate the narrative to give you the feeling to gain power over you. But RESPONSIBILITY depends on weather you actually did something and there were consequences that you have to own and deal with and whether something was in your area of duty to take care of. Everyone is responsible for themselves, for how they act and conduct themselves and what do they allow into their personal space from others. Here also comes the responsibility of establishing healthy boundaries.
Well, I blew it today! My narc decided , on my birthday, to interrupt what I was doing to ask me some really dumb questions about something that wasn’t important at all. I told him I didn’t know. He kept asking. I got frustrated and left the room. So much for gray rock.
Thank you for your informative video on grey rock ..I use these things to continue my DBT therapy skills n help me be mindful and not throw my reasoning skills out the window. Been w my spouse 4 years n lately it's like we hate each other but I know theres more potential than what's in front of my eyes cause weve had great year but life has ups n downs n we always need to be educated n learning n growing in life ..thank you
Thank you for these tips, really need them.