But its such a fair question that I still want an answer lol why do we always have to mask and they dont? And i dont wanna hear some bs about how we dont HAVE to mask bc we all know its basically impossible to succeed in society without masking.
think my subconscious reaction was relaxed or thoughtful or just “normal.” Honestly, when people are talking about stuff in this vein, and they have a big smile on their face, I think I register it is forced. I don’t take it poorly from someone I feel safe with, like Ella. I always did with clsssic self help gurus, and I have tended to feel that they are “low affect/depression shaming,” which perhaps some are. I also think I get suspicious from smiles that I am being hustled or sold. What gets weird is that I am now realizing that by this route, I can have a bad reaction to high masking autistic women who have adopted certain NT-imitating techniques. I probably respond both to the smile and the sense that it’s forced. Even when Ella was more prone to smiling I felt comfortable with them, but I have been known to unsubscribe from an autism channel because I can’t handle the level of cheer (usually when I am down on my own people skills and feel inadequate) I seem to spend most of my time on AuDHD women’s channels, and I have come to think my “binary” gender dysphoria is that, while my father was pretty clearly autistic, my mother may have been a high masking autistic woman, and that I am a bit of an “extreme male behavior” autistic man who aspires to be a high masking autistic woman. Anyway, from my POV I am very happy to see Ella unmasked in this way. I would welcome a discussion of when and if smiling is natural not masking, because I am frankly unsure about that in myself, and also to how to tell when my not smiling is unmasking and when it’s hypothymia.
@@jimwilliams3816I read everything but won't comment all my thoughts. My problem is I look angry if I'm not smiling, especially when looking at a camera and taking different versions of the same picture (expression changes). My 19yo thinks people don't approach me because of my resting B/
I love having people around me that I don't have to constantly make eye contact with, when I speak to them. I felt very seen in this video and put at ease sm!!
I am a bit tired of everything a person does is suddenly a symptom. No. That seems so limiting to me. For me that is not stimming, its just ....hands? Moving your hands while talking, touching them a bit is stimming, are you kiddding me? The eye contact ( to the camera )is also dare I say pretty "normal".
Yess I think their is a sweet spot. And you need to pick what is more true to your character. As an hyper active ADHDer, I have trouble to slow down and people can find it hard too.. I love love my quite and calm friends!! Just be yourself, but I noticed that explaining what is happening in your head and what your preferences help others understand your behaviour. People need to get to know you. But is hard to be yourself if you veel like your not enough or "wrong".
I think it's safe to say that some people can overestimate the way their energy infects others. I've had friends apologise to me for their 'lack of energy', when in reality it didn't bother me at all.
My daughter's godmother told me straight out that I was exhausting and I know my mother thinks it by her facial reactions...it is a survival mechanism for me but I exhaust myself to and then go and hide
I think this is why ADHDers and folks with autism get along so well. I find having to tone down my personality and hold in my energy exhausting. It’s like holding in your pee. Can’t think about anything except how badly you want to let it out.
My bf has ADHD and sometimes he just has to release that energy and starts goofing around, wiggling and flapping his limbs. Makes me laugh as he's a skinny guy 6'6" and he reminds me of Goofy in Mickey Mouse clubhouse❤😂 That intro dance he does?😂That's my bf😂❤
Me and my friend were talking about this just the other day! 😂 Its like we balance eachother out, she has adhd and I got the combo™️ and whenever we hang out we end up balancing eachother out, so while she's "buzzing around" I usually end up calmer and needing to stim less, (because she's providing me enough sensory input XD) meanwhile I can help her keep her focus and motivation as she goes along doing her thing, it's also a relieving breath of fresh air that we dont really have to mask around eachother because we understand eachother's needs/boundaries pretty well
@@kinaocasio527I’ve always wondered why my ADHD self seems to draw in people with ASD, and your description makes a lot of sense. They find me stimulating and I find them grounding and neither of us judges the other for our individual quirkiness 😅❤
I actually find your unmasked self relaxing 😌 I'm neurodivergent (just not sure in what way exactly) and have been trying to unmask, I've had comments that I look tired or bored.
I am not autistic, but I am introverted and a highly sensitive person. I really like your energy. It's soft, gentle and really relaxing❤. Just be yourself. If they don't like you for you, then they are not the right people for you.❤❤❤ Love from Denmark❤❤❤
I’m a very introverted and highly sensitive person as well who has severe anxiety. I prefer a more “gentle energy” as well; when I’m interacting with a more energetic person I often worry that I won’t be able to match their energy.
As an autistic person, I always feel super comfortable talking to other autistic people because I sense that I can drop my mask. Appreciate seeing your true self
How you’re presenting yourself right now seems to be very genuine. You seem comfortable and it’s okay to be yourself as well as to have that high energy too as long it’s the mood in what you actually feel.
I’m a hsp and feel the opposite. All that energy and those emotions come across as genuinely humane iso the usually rather probing/stifeling communication
I just want to let you know I went to look at some of your other videos to see the difference and i’m actually way more likely to watch you unmasked because I can understand you better and I feel like you’re not faking anything and you’re just being you. it’s not boring it’s calming and reassuring. I hope you can learn that your unmasked self is just as worthy of attention and love as the person you are with the mask
At least personally with my ADHD, I’ve had to mask my energy and enthusiasm to seem “normal” and not “too much.” I often apologize for “geeking out” or sharing my excitement with my hobbies. It’s also hard when your friend (especially a neurodivergent one) is hurt or exhausted by your high energy levels which you often can’t control. I just wish sometimes I could totally let go and be confident in “being too much” but I can’t. Especially if it’s exhausting or painful to others.
I’m a hsp and love that aspect of adhd; I enjoy letting that enthousiasm and energy wash over me, it feels safe and positive, even the negative seems just a bit of clumsiness. So much nicer than the usual more reserved and careful communication which can feel like an exam
Very relatable. Thank you for sharing. As someone who has been in recovery for 4 years, i feel like at times i am unable to Appease expectations in energy levels that I once achieved with opiates ... sometimes loved one around me still have old expectations that are now impossible to keep up(without an outside source).
Feeling this so much, you ain’t aline my friend! My therapist told me the other day that I need to reassess my beliefs because I’m nobody’s little entertainer I’m just me not there for ppls pleasure
This video is very important to me because not only is it relatable, but also because watching the way you move your eyes reminds me a lot of how I do it when I try to film myself. It's almost 100% the same sort of pattern(?) and I've never seen anyone else do that. I'm not diagnosed but repeatedly "peer reviewed" and very much suspecting I might be on the spectrum. Watching this made me feel seen and understood. As well as let me understand myself better.
I’m finding that after decades of masking the people closest to me do not like when the mask comes off. I hope this gets easier as they become used to the real me!
I never masked mine...it lead people to think badly of me. Like they thought I had a big ego or didn't like people. I'm probibly going to be single forever because my autism and adhd just have ruined my chances so badly.
I'm a fairly neurotypical person who is also hyper aware of people's vibe or attitudes for reasons I won't get into. To be realistic, if you've spent literal decades exhibiting traits that are unnatural to you and then suddenly change, yeah, people might react in confusion, assuming that something is wrong, or discomfort. People _generally_ don't change drastically overnight. My own personal experience is transitioning. At the grand age of 45 I came out and reactions were very mixed. It took a long time for people to acclimate to my new expression, pronouns, and name. It's utterly human. No judgement here. Not saying masking or unmasking was bad or good. But it _is_ different. People will take time to acclimate to a big change. The best thing (IMHO) is to communicate that it isn't sadness or negativity. It's just you trying to be more you and give them time.
@@CorwinFound That's true. When I made big mental changes. People told me so. But they were positive changes so they said it like a compliment. I have adhd so as a teen I played games and ignored everyone. Then I decided to get to know my older brother more and his wife and they were surprised by it but they were happy I decided to change my isolated habit.
I'm an AuDHDer like Ella and I am working on this same thing! I feel like I have to be really expressive and animated to make sure the other person knows I am engaged. Letting go of this is tough, but it's so worth it.
I wouldn't have noticed you were behaving any differently than almost all the people I have interacted with in my life. You seem very natural in your behaviour. Congrats! You're a human like the rest of the world!! ❤
I can’t begin to tell you how much I relate. Thank you, Purple Ella, for all these videos you make. Every time I watch one I internally yell at the tv screen “but this is exactly that “weird” thing about myself that I’ve struggled with all my life and thought myself to be just inexplicably broken in ways I can’t comprehend and that there is nobody else out there like me”. I really wish I had a friend like you in real life. 💜
I feel very seen right now and not sure how I feel about it? What’s the right way to respond? Should I smile? That’s too big a smile. Now the smile’s not big enough. Say something back. Like what? Now you’ve taken too long to respond. The moment’s past. We’re on a new topic. How did we get to this topic? Nod your head and listen for context to figure out why they’re talking about. They laughed! I should laugh, too. What are we laughing about? If I ask, they will know that I don’t understand and will be hurt. Have I been looking at their chin this whole time?
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to everything you’ve said. I’m 35 and have 3 kids. My only son has autism diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I have it too and possibly my two daughters. I just feel I am trying so hard to maintain and process everything but people still don’t find it to be enough. Makes me want to stop masking and let them have it sometimes. But then they’d just label me unstable. I think it’s harder as a female who is able to mask so well. Societies expectations and ideas on women is different to men. Just found you today but I will keep watching now. Hope you’re well xx
This is why I don’t think I can make videos of myself anymore.. I just don’t currently have the energy (or the confidence) to put up a “good enough” mask to show to the world on social media.. the whole concept is weird to talk about, but you are so right! I totally feel this. During burn out, there is just NO mental or physical energy to do the “normal” person performance required to appease others.
I really like you this way. You are very authentic and non-stressful to listn to and look at. This coming from a non-autistic person. Thinking about having to please others and their expextations must be so exhausting. You seem like a person I‘d really like to be around - considerate, authentic, reflective and warm.
As an introvert, to all of you who mask with high energy... you're very welcome not to do it all the time. It's not boring. I know the world puts a lot of focus on being extrovert but it isn't the be all end all. Don't exhaust yourselves.
That last part is something I need to process. I have that problem with trying to see the other person’s perspective, which I put a lot of energy into, and there I know I get angry if I feel other people aren’t making the same effort. I came to the same conclusion about my emotions there: I’m angry that they get to relax when I don’t. The sick or sad thing...hmmm. I tend to mirror emotions, and assume people are unhappy with me, so I don’t do well with sad or upset. I’m not bad when I know my wife is sick, in part because how to respond is much clearer. The smiling and putting on show part is confusing to me. I think most of mine is ADHD hyperactivity, and while I do consciously put on a show sometimes, I also just talk over people about my interests, and the thing that is exhausting is NOT doing so. And I am not conscious of my facial expression at all. I think, pre ADHD meds, it tended to be animated much of the time; on meds, I’ve developed a really grim, low affect default which has started to get me in trouble in the classic way. But I am wondering about my wife. She always said that she was bad caring for sick people, and that’s somewhat true. I’m late diagnosed AuDHD, and we are both starting to realize that she looks very much like a high masking autistic woman. She certainly does put on a very conscious mask, and I can suddenly see how the dynamic you describe could readily apply to her. One of the things we are discovering is that both realizing we are on the spectrum, at least in our early sixties, does not translate into automatically being able to communicate better (my loud ADHD certainly doesn’t help). We both seem to invalidate each other without understanding why. I JUST realized that she tends to reassure me that by suggesting that my perceptions of my own social difficulties are overblown; which, when offered by others (friends, therapists) I know to be invalidating to autistic people. That was a big “duh” moment for me. After thinking about this short, I also realize that one of the things that I do in talking about our issues is to suggest I can see through her mask when she is trying to look “fine” but isn’t. Which I think I can, but it suddenly occurs to me why that might be an upsetting idea to her. What I know is uncomfortable for me is that, as I’ve gotten more difficult to deal with, she’s started masking heavily with me. Long before I thought about autism or masking, I noted that she put on a face for other people, but not me. It hurts a lot to see her masking with me now, and frankly I do the same. Sorry for this long comment. And thank you so much for this short.
One of the most important thing in relationships is understanding that no one person can meet all your needs, and you arent capable of meeting everyone else's needs. Everyone masks sometimes, and I think its good in small doses. But if your masking for others takes up too much energy, you won't have enough for yourself or others; and you actually wont be as engaged if you're worried about if others think youre engaged enough. Melt downs are worse than someone thinking you're boring. You don't need to be the version of yourself you think society expects, you need to be authentic and offer people the support or kind of connection you are good at offering. I have 2 good friends i go to when im having a hard time. One is a shoulder to cry on, someone who will sit with me and my emotions to help me process. Another I go to when i need to get my mind of things or get out of a funk. I cannot go to my sympathetic friend if im trying to distract myself, because she will be too focused on care and sympathy. My friend whose good at elevating my mood gets super impatient with my emotions. Learn to offer your strengths, and only expect of people what they are actually capable of offering. It's interesting that your constant masking makes you less tolerant of those who can't mask. Wouldn't it be great if you accepted yourself enough to be that person that others can feel comfortable unmaking around?
Good for you! I don’t have autism and honestly the effort you are talking about I don’t bother putting on ever, i believe what I am feeling in the moment will be construed through both my tone, my eyes and my smile or no smile without putting so much effort or pressure. Also at my age I really don’t worry about others opinions of me, not my business. My own self worth is more important at this stage of my life, and I hope you get to a point where you feel comfortable enough not to continue with your masking in your relationships.
Thank you for showing you. I feel you. Forget about 'entertaining' everyone else, you look after you, Poppet. I'm 60 and waiting for official diagnosis (suggested by my doc... Was news to me!!) So your videos have really helped me. Please... Be yourself. You're lovely 😊xx
I have such a hard time making my voice and face have the proper emotions when I'm tired, especially in loud, crowded areas. Like I swear I'm having a good time, I just don't have the energy to display that on my face. And I'm still listening to what you're saying even if I don't have the energy to force eye contact.
Waww. This honest vulnerability really startling. You are wonderful to dare to say these. And it is very eye opening, but at the same time it is sad. I wish you to believe that people who love you do not need that mask. You do not need to be afraid of those things. ❣️🙏❤️
Always was a weird dyslexic/dyspraxic and sensitive kid, keep finding out ways that connect me to being autistic and adhd. Vids like this make me understand myself so much more esp whilst healing some trauma and coming back to the overwhelming sensations remembering why i do all these body things in the first place
I think that this is something that everyone does. Maybe to different extents, but I know that there are definitely times I feel really sad or depressed but I’m at a party so I have to brighten it up a little bit. I’m not saying the struggle is exactly the same, but the reason it’s called a spectrum is because these things exist for allistic people too. Sometimes the world can be exhausting but for me I find it more exhausting to be 100% authentic with everyone all the time. People forget a mask is a protection, not necessarily always a bad thing.
I like you. I've got a long list of labels like autism,adhd,anxiety tbi and ptsd. But I'm just me. I'm guilty of this masking for work and to please others. You are a treasure. Blessings sister. 🌻
To be honest, I much prefer this unmasked you! Not sure if my explanation makes sense and it is difficult to put my finger on it, but if I had to desribe the reason I'd say that on an emotional level of mine you suddenly turned from a distant you tube entertainer, specialising in ADHD and Autism, into a human being I can relate to. But just to be clear, I like both Ellas, just the unmasked a bit more.
I can relate to this, I get so tired of pretending to be happy for other people's sake! I've not been diagnosed with anything however I can absolutely feel for you on this! I would love to hang out with you, I would 100% genuinely enjoy time with you, no need to smile unless you actually want to!
This is so comforting to hear. It's so difficult pretending every day, even in private, that I'm bubbly and peppy when it's that very persona causing me to actually feel so overwhelmed and sad. And the frustration with other people "getting to relax" and such is so real. Even beyond autistic masking, I am a people pleaser, and I get so angry and confused when other people get to express their emotions freely (even when I know it's completely justified, it's just so hard to grasp that other people could be allowed to express themselves that way).
I spend the first two hours of the day with this face 😕 at the gym. I pump myself up before going into work because I’m expected to be the class clown 🤡. When I don’t act like a 🤡 everyone thinks there’s something wrong with me when really I’m just tired of performing at the circus 🎪
I've literally never been able to smile on cue. Your comment "smile goes all the way up to my eyes" finally explained the thing I'd been missing and i can now do a stupid fake allistic smile when i need to. Thank you so much!
I actually find your unmasked self a lot more engaging and calming to watch (as an audHD'er myself) but I completely understand why you choose to mask for videos or in your personal life. I do the same thing and it can be quite exhausting at times 😞
My son masks a lot, thank you for sharing. He’s very much himself with me but I’m always wanting to learn more so I know he feels he can be 100% himself with me
This makes so much sense to me. In adulthood I’ve learned to take on this almost over the top bouncy persona when around people and I am aware that I’m constantly trying to be funny and entertain people for them to like me. I know this comes from a place of overcompensating for the fact that I’m rubbish at serious conversations and small talk so I always try to dominate the conversation to make it about things that I know they will find funny or things I know I can talk about and understand. Over the past few years I have withdrawn from loads of friendships because I am going through a long period of burnout. I can’t keep up this act anymore. If I socialise with people, i need days to recover afterwards and if I see people I need at least 2 or 3 days to prepare so I can plan the interaction. I have only just realised I might be neurodivergent because I have 2 diagnosed children. It took me a long time to accept that they were autistic because I was in denial. When my oldest was little, every time the teachers would say “She doesn’t give eye contact” I’d answer “Well I have never given eye contact and I did/do all those things and I turned out fine” and truth is I know I wasn’t fine, school was hell for me, and I just learned to mask really well. I am capable of masking so well that I didn’t realise I was even masking, it’s only when I realise what it has done to my mental health over the course of a life time that It all makes sense. I don’t remember a point in my life when I haven’t suffered from some kind of anxiety or depression, it’s manifested in different ways such as health anxiety, panic attacks, OCD behaviours, panic attacks, insomnia, anger, not always all at the same time but there has always been something. During the times when I’ve felt ok I’ve still never been completely great It was always functional depression or anxiety. I’ve never been not overwhelmed or anxious to some degree.
I dont know how its for other people but observing you fidgeting with your hands helped me staying focused o what you were talking about. Easiest information I obtained since last few weeks.
Hey, I really like you unmasked. Probably more people than you think like you this way too. Glad you're being your true self here, I hope you do it when you're with people. ❤
You just gotta let yourself relax, I know that seems like I’m making it sound easy but it’s not it’s a lot of work to let yourself relax but the only way to do it is to just do it best of luck to anyone on this journey take your time you got this
you genuinely have described what ive felt for so, so long and couldn’t express/describe properly to my therapist. thank you so much for sharing this because i really needed to know this isn’t a me thing
Absolutely spot on. Thanks so much for this. I've gradually come to realise I thought this was the rule, the polite way to be, to the extent I've noticed myself 'tone & expression' policing my bf, who is very likely also auDHD. Starting to work on this now. All the best my lovely xx
This video is so relaxing. Thank you for sharing! Its a bit scary when other autistic content creators show only masking self. We keep hearing of masking, but it's hard to find the unmasked self. I found that when I make friends with more ND people, I let myself unmask more and more naturally. I will mask only when necessary now, like an NPC kind of thing lol. A relationship should be 2 sided in my opinion. If they cannot accept that I look mean when thinking, follow an invisible fly when talking, not able to communicate to me that I've been going on about my special interest for too long, etc.... then I struggle forming a connection to them. I will never change myself anymore. There's 8billion people, chances are we will meet fellow like people.
Thank you for being YOU! You are enough and the more everyone acts realistically the more normalized being actual becomes. Also hard relate to this, I'm usually the "great host" and "always fun to be around" person until I went way past my burnout and got physically unwell for some years now. And ultimately during that time so many "good friends" fell off and just don't reach out (including some family members). My actual friends have shown who they are once I didn't have that much masking energy anymore.
I can tell by your hands that your mask is as off as it can be because I do the same thing! Well done for doing this and I deeply feel the confusion when others don't prop themselves up when feeling rubbish and 'fake it' for me like I do for them. No negativity towards them, just confusion and maybe a bit of jealousy.
You seem like a wonderful, chill person who is capable of the ever elusive comfortable silence so many people don't know they need and I know I personally am always looking for in my friends. You don't need to mask to be valued. ❤
Wow, thank you for sharing. I'm learning about autism and how it affects people, so this was very educational. I hope you meet more people whom you don't have to mask around.
Watching you makes me feel so good cause you understand completely and it feels good to know others are like me thank you for sharing and being brave. You empower me. Thank you so much. ❤
I very much appreciate everything you said. I have ADHD & I often feel obligated to be the persona that wears me out. I keep a smile on my face right from the start of the day & I honestly don’t know how to be otherwise because I’ve feared letting go. Thank you so much for sharing.
This video just made me realize that I often mask with my voice tone, too, for the exact reasons you said. And it explains why I tend to have much more fun when I feel allowed to talk in my "lazy" voice while playing games online.
People who are around you and supposed to like you - they will like you- just for you being you. And the one who don't- is not your worry. Love yourself ❤ Every one is special - God doesn't make mistakes.😊
Oh honey! YOU are wonderful! As you present yourself now is similar to how I am always. I am 56 and I never have been able to fake being anyone but myself. Love from the United States.😊
Why am I realizing this is me... my neice just received an autism diagnosis at 15 & after researching for a better understanding im realizing I have most of these characteristics. How do you know for sure? Everything is making sense... I'm 40 years old & my life is finally making sense. Thank you for being vulnerable. You are wonderfully comforting. 😊
I have no diagnosis, but i can relate to a lot. Just a week ago i had a meltdown, because i am so tired of always putting on a smile. I feel like it contributes to my tention headaches, which lead to migraines, but if i don't, i imediatly get comments from everyone around me of whats wrong or that im all of a suddent laking at my job, because im "moody". I don't feel always super mega happy, but if don't look like that, i have a resting b face and everyone thinks im sad and literally think that that forced happy go lucky attitude is my normal, even though my normal/relaxed/unbothered is unintentionally bitchy.
Your last sentence! And I really believe that’s not just me overthinking things. I have noticed that most people are allowed to relax and not put on an upbeat mood all the time. I genuinely have noticed that I don’t get that same permission and that I’m treated extremely differently if I don’t act ok all the time. People think I’m being dramatic or rude if I show a negative emotion.
Just be you. It’s too exhausting being what others want you to be. I don’t have many friends and that’s fine. I only have to spend my energy on people who are actual friends .
I'm in my late 50s and I am autistic. I was not diagnosed until last year when I noticed how many of the things I do all the time matched the symptoms(?) in the autism videos I was seeing online. I talked to my therapist about it, so they tested me. I wonder how many other people just live in misery without knowing why. The knowledge has given me new ways of dealing with the world, and I'm so much happier. As far as the masking that the woman is talking about in this video, I have done this all my life, and I have manged to get fairly good at it. It's just that, until now, I didn't know why socializing was so incredibly exhausting. I hate having to be with a group of any more than 3 people. At this point, I can handle masking with up to 3, but any more than that, and I just shut down. It has taken me years to learn to do this, and it's still exhausting. Life means I have to do it, though. I have a couple of friends that I can be with fairly comfortably, but when one of them started dating another person regularly, I thought about letting them go as a friend. However, they are important enough to me that I worked very hard to make room for this new person. I am glad that they ended up getting married because, otherwise, all my work would have been for nothing. Please, if anyone else has had this happen, share with me how it turned out for you. I would like to know if this is common with autist people and their relationships. 7
Yeah you actually make me more comfortable when you're not masking or at least when I'm watching you. Idk how it would feel in person, but I definitely feel more comfortable with you like this.
I have autism and dyspraxia (didn't know for a while they were different) I can honestly relate to every single one of those points and it's so mentally and physically draining and can lead to me not being able to sleep or have any interest in daily activities I normally would do and or enjoy
So interesting. I also mask constantly around people apart from maybe safe close family. It is truly exhausting and actually difficult to stop sometimes x
Same though. I've been told I have RBF and that I need to smile more. Whenever I'm in public, I am constantly in hyper mode because I'm never quite sure of people's intentions. Whenever I'm surrounded by a difficult situation, I don't exactly shut down, I have to tell myself...'Okay, we got this, it's okay...you're safe...you can do it!' It's a constant struggle.
I feel privileged to have discovered you in a period of your life where I've been able to see you develop and change before me. Being able to see what unmasking looks like IRL is so different from just reading or hearing about it. Take care, dear Ella. You are a wonderful person.
It's so interesting to see just how much the way autism presents itself varies. I usually find that I have to tone down my excitement so people don't get annoyed at me, there are only about 3 people total that I can release my full energy on. On the other hand I often act more energetic on purpose so when people comment on it I don't feel like the're commenting on real me. Like a people can't call me as who I am weird when I'm doing it intentionally type situation
Genuinely, prefer it when you speak more slowly. But that’s probably because I’m autistic and struggle to keep up with the faster pace of life. Thank you for making this video ❤
I relate so much! I've been trying to unmask for a couple of years and whenever I find someone like me it's absolutely amazing. That is the biggest reason I unmask. If I met someone like me and we both masked we couldn't have that unique connection.
I‘ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD but not with autism though I often suspect it might be in the mix as well. I didn‘t realize how much energy I am putting into social interactions (I will say that this applies to groups a lot more than in one-on-one situations) up until a few months ago. I now call it being a social fountain - all high energy and positive and entertaining for the benefit of the others, almost immediately quiet and calm once I‘m alone. Sometimes, when I know I‘ve surpassed my limit, I really need social time-out for an extended period of time so ai can recalibrate. I genuinely don‘t know how I didn‘t see this pattern a lot earlier, I‘ve always done this.
By the way, I just wanted to say I think your content is amazing. I see a lot of creators on here talking about AuDHD, but you are unusually insightful and easy to relate to.
"How come other people are allowed to relax?" Oof.
Hit me in the feels.
She was so correct in stating that feeling and your comment was spot on. Well said LifeinBonnieland 😊
🏅
I felt that so hard... my husband is teaching me since 10 years that it is ok to relax... getting better, but falling back alot...
Yep, definately - also " How come others are allowed to take up space/ get themselves heard"
But its such a fair question that I still want an answer lol why do we always have to mask and they dont? And i dont wanna hear some bs about how we dont HAVE to mask bc we all know its basically impossible to succeed in society without masking.
You're much more relaxed unmasked. Very natural and matter-of-fact, and it's quite refreshing.
Refreshing is a good word for it!!!
@@nellieshoals totally! 😄
I like how you are in this video! You're not boring or "low energy".
think my subconscious reaction was relaxed or thoughtful or just “normal.” Honestly, when people are talking about stuff in this vein, and they have a big smile on their face, I think I register it is forced. I don’t take it poorly from someone I feel safe with, like Ella. I always did with clsssic self help gurus, and I have tended to feel that they are “low affect/depression shaming,” which perhaps some are. I also think I get suspicious from smiles that I am being hustled or sold.
What gets weird is that I am now realizing that by this route, I can have a bad reaction to high masking autistic women who have adopted certain NT-imitating techniques. I probably respond both to the smile and the sense that it’s forced. Even when Ella was more prone to smiling I felt comfortable with them, but I have been known to unsubscribe from an autism channel because I can’t handle the level of cheer (usually when I am down on my own people skills and feel inadequate) I seem to spend most of my time on AuDHD women’s channels, and I have come to think my “binary” gender dysphoria is that, while my father was pretty clearly autistic, my mother may have been a high masking autistic woman, and that I am a bit of an “extreme male behavior” autistic man who aspires to be a high masking autistic woman.
Anyway, from my POV I am very happy to see Ella unmasked in this way. I would welcome a discussion of when and if smiling is natural
not masking, because I am frankly unsure about that in myself, and also to how to tell when my not smiling is unmasking and when it’s hypothymia.
@@jimwilliams3816I read everything but won't comment all my thoughts.
My problem is I look angry if I'm not smiling, especially when looking at a camera and taking different versions of the same picture (expression changes). My 19yo thinks people don't approach me because of my resting B/
❤
I agree. Just be yourself. Easier said than done I’m sure
Same. I find her tone calming and soothing.
Your intermittent eye contact and hand stimming made me comfortable enough to listen well, thank you!
I don't think that is the point. She made herself appealing enough to you? 🤢
@@Katie-qg7xz that's not at all what I said.
That is not at all what she meant.@@Katie-qg7xz
I love having people around me that I don't have to constantly make eye contact with, when I speak to them. I felt very seen in this video and put at ease sm!!
I am a bit tired of everything a person does is suddenly a symptom. No. That seems so limiting to me. For me that is not stimming, its just ....hands? Moving your hands while talking, touching them a bit is stimming, are you kiddding me?
The eye contact ( to the camera )is also dare I say pretty "normal".
High energy persona can actually be exhausting for others too. I think I’ve made the error for a long time of thinking it’s better for others.
Its completely exhausting me, starts with a loud voice of someone… I can not.
Yess I think their is a sweet spot. And you need to pick what is more true to your character. As an hyper active ADHDer, I have trouble to slow down and people can find it hard too.. I love love my quite and calm friends!!
Just be yourself, but I noticed that explaining what is happening in your head and what your preferences help others understand your behaviour. People need to get to know you. But is hard to be yourself if you veel like your not enough or "wrong".
I think it's safe to say that some people can overestimate the way their energy infects others. I've had friends apologise to me for their 'lack of energy', when in reality it didn't bother me at all.
My daughter's godmother told me straight out that I was exhausting and I know my mother thinks it by her facial reactions...it is a survival mechanism for me but I exhaust myself to and then go and hide
I think this is why ADHDers and folks with autism get along so well. I find having to tone down my personality and hold in my energy exhausting. It’s like holding in your pee. Can’t think about anything except how badly you want to let it out.
My bf has ADHD and sometimes he just has to release that energy and starts goofing around, wiggling and flapping his limbs. Makes me laugh as he's a skinny guy 6'6" and he reminds me of Goofy in Mickey Mouse clubhouse❤😂 That intro dance he does?😂That's my bf😂❤
Me and my friend were talking about this just the other day! 😂 Its like we balance eachother out, she has adhd and I got the combo™️ and whenever we hang out we end up balancing eachother out, so while she's "buzzing around" I usually end up calmer and needing to stim less, (because she's providing me enough sensory input XD) meanwhile I can help her keep her focus and motivation as she goes along doing her thing, it's also a relieving breath of fresh air that we dont really have to mask around eachother because we understand eachother's needs/boundaries pretty well
I've been masking so long that it's automatic. Like a rusty water pump that won't move to allow the water through.
@@kinaocasio527 "Because she's providing enough sensory input" is the cutest thing I've heard in a long time!
@@kinaocasio527I’ve always wondered why my ADHD self seems to draw in people with ASD, and your description makes a lot of sense. They find me stimulating and I find them grounding and neither of us judges the other for our individual quirkiness 😅❤
I actually find your unmasked self relaxing 😌 I'm neurodivergent (just not sure in what way exactly) and have been trying to unmask, I've had comments that I look tired or bored.
hey just to let you know, "trying to unmask" or "subconsciously masking" are complete pseudoscience. If you're masking, it's a conscious decision.
@taken. Not my experience: people do not love you regardless. Get real.
I'm sensitive and introverted. I also have that resting g b@*ch face. People ask me ALL THE TIME if I'm "ok."
I am not autistic, but I am introverted and a highly sensitive person. I really like your energy. It's soft, gentle and really relaxing❤. Just be yourself. If they don't like you for you, then they are not the right people for you.❤❤❤ Love from Denmark❤❤❤
:0 im from denmark too! i actually also thought that at first, turns out im just autistic lmao
I’m a very introverted and highly sensitive person as well who has severe anxiety. I prefer a more “gentle energy” as well; when I’m interacting with a more energetic person I often worry that I won’t be able to match their energy.
@@vanillabean7832yeah me too!
As an autistic person, I always feel super comfortable talking to other autistic people because I sense that I can drop my mask. Appreciate seeing your true self
How you’re presenting yourself right now seems to be very genuine. You seem comfortable and it’s okay to be yourself as well as to have that high energy too as long it’s the mood in what you actually feel.
I'm the opposite. I have to tone down my energy and emotions because I annoy people and they think my emotions are inappropriate.
I’m a hsp and feel the opposite. All that energy and those emotions come across as genuinely humane iso the usually rather probing/stifeling communication
I just want to let you know I went to look at some of your other videos to see the difference and i’m actually way more likely to watch you unmasked because I can understand you better and I feel like you’re not faking anything and you’re just being you. it’s not boring it’s calming and reassuring. I hope you can learn that your unmasked self is just as worthy of attention and love as the person you are with the mask
All of this!
At least personally with my ADHD, I’ve had to mask my energy and enthusiasm to seem “normal” and not “too much.” I often apologize for “geeking out” or sharing my excitement with my hobbies. It’s also hard when your friend (especially a neurodivergent one) is hurt or exhausted by your high energy levels which you often can’t control. I just wish sometimes I could totally let go and be confident in “being too much” but I can’t. Especially if it’s exhausting or painful to others.
I’m a hsp and love that aspect of adhd; I enjoy letting that enthousiasm and energy wash over me, it feels safe and positive, even the negative seems just a bit of clumsiness. So much nicer than the usual more reserved and careful communication which can feel like an exam
Very relatable. Thank you for sharing. As someone who has been in recovery for 4 years, i feel like at times i am unable to Appease expectations in energy levels that I once achieved with opiates ... sometimes loved one around me still have old expectations that are now impossible to keep up(without an outside source).
Feeling this so much, you ain’t aline my friend! My therapist told me the other day that I need to reassess my beliefs because I’m nobody’s little entertainer I’m just me not there for ppls pleasure
This video is very important to me because not only is it relatable, but also because watching the way you move your eyes reminds me a lot of how I do it when I try to film myself. It's almost 100% the same sort of pattern(?) and I've never seen anyone else do that. I'm not diagnosed but repeatedly "peer reviewed" and very much suspecting I might be on the spectrum. Watching this made me feel seen and understood. As well as let me understand myself better.
I’m finding that after decades of masking the people closest to me do not like when the mask comes off. I hope this gets easier as they become used to the real me!
I never masked mine...it lead people to think badly of me. Like they thought I had a big ego or didn't like people. I'm probibly going to be single forever because my autism and adhd just have ruined my chances so badly.
I'm a fairly neurotypical person who is also hyper aware of people's vibe or attitudes for reasons I won't get into. To be realistic, if you've spent literal decades exhibiting traits that are unnatural to you and then suddenly change, yeah, people might react in confusion, assuming that something is wrong, or discomfort. People _generally_ don't change drastically overnight.
My own personal experience is transitioning. At the grand age of 45 I came out and reactions were very mixed. It took a long time for people to acclimate to my new expression, pronouns, and name. It's utterly human.
No judgement here. Not saying masking or unmasking was bad or good. But it _is_ different. People will take time to acclimate to a big change. The best thing (IMHO) is to communicate that it isn't sadness or negativity. It's just you trying to be more you and give them time.
@@CorwinFound That's true. When I made big mental changes. People told me so. But they were positive changes so they said it like a compliment. I have adhd so as a teen I played games and ignored everyone. Then I decided to get to know my older brother more and his wife and they were surprised by it but they were happy I decided to change my isolated habit.
I'm an AuDHDer like Ella and I am working on this same thing! I feel like I have to be really expressive and animated to make sure the other person knows I am engaged. Letting go of this is tough, but it's so worth it.
I wouldn't have noticed you were behaving any differently than almost all the people I have interacted with in my life. You seem very natural in your behaviour. Congrats! You're a human like the rest of the world!! ❤
I can’t begin to tell you how much I relate. Thank you, Purple Ella, for all these videos you make. Every time I watch one I internally yell at the tv screen “but this is exactly that “weird” thing about myself that I’ve struggled with all my life and thought myself to be just inexplicably broken in ways I can’t comprehend and that there is nobody else out there like me”.
I really wish I had a friend like you in real life. 💜
"how come other people are allowed to relax" that hits really hard.
I feel very seen right now and not sure how I feel about it? What’s the right way to respond? Should I smile? That’s too big a smile. Now the smile’s not big enough. Say something back. Like what? Now you’ve taken too long to respond. The moment’s past. We’re on a new topic. How did we get to this topic? Nod your head and listen for context to figure out why they’re talking about. They laughed! I should laugh, too. What are we laughing about? If I ask, they will know that I don’t understand and will be hurt. Have I been looking at their chin this whole time?
OMG
Sounds relateable!!!😮😮😲👆👆
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to everything you’ve said. I’m 35 and have 3 kids. My only son has autism diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I have it too and possibly my two daughters. I just feel I am trying so hard to maintain and process everything but people still don’t find it to be enough. Makes me want to stop masking and let them have it sometimes. But then they’d just label me unstable. I think it’s harder as a female who is able to mask so well. Societies expectations and ideas on women is different to men. Just found you today but I will keep watching now. Hope you’re well xx
This is why I don’t think I can make videos of myself anymore.. I just don’t currently have the energy (or the confidence) to put up a “good enough” mask to show to the world on social media.. the whole concept is weird to talk about, but you are so right! I totally feel this. During burn out, there is just NO mental or physical energy to do the “normal” person performance required to appease others.
I really like you this way. You are very authentic and non-stressful to listn to and look at. This coming from a non-autistic person. Thinking about having to please others and their expextations must be so exhausting. You seem like a person I‘d really like to be around - considerate, authentic, reflective and warm.
As an introvert, to all of you who mask with high energy... you're very welcome not to do it all the time. It's not boring. I know the world puts a lot of focus on being extrovert but it isn't the be all end all. Don't exhaust yourselves.
That last part is something I need to process. I have that problem with trying to see the other person’s perspective, which I put a lot of energy into, and there I know I get angry if I feel other people aren’t making the same effort. I came to the same conclusion about my emotions there: I’m angry that they get to relax when I don’t.
The sick or sad thing...hmmm. I tend to mirror emotions, and assume people are unhappy with me, so I don’t do well with sad or upset. I’m not bad when I know my wife is sick, in part because how to respond is much clearer.
The smiling and putting on show part is confusing to me. I think most of mine is ADHD hyperactivity, and while I do consciously put on a show sometimes, I also just talk over people about my interests, and the thing that is exhausting is NOT doing so. And I am not conscious of my facial expression at all. I think, pre ADHD meds, it tended to be animated much of the time; on meds, I’ve developed a really grim, low affect default which has started to get me in trouble in the classic way.
But I am wondering about my wife. She always said that she was bad caring for sick people, and that’s somewhat true. I’m late diagnosed AuDHD, and we are both starting to realize that she looks very much like a high masking autistic woman. She certainly does put on a very conscious mask, and I can suddenly see how the dynamic you describe could readily apply to her. One of the things we are discovering is that both realizing we are on the spectrum, at least in our early sixties, does not translate into automatically being able to communicate better (my loud ADHD certainly doesn’t help). We both seem to invalidate each other without understanding why. I JUST realized that she tends to reassure me that by suggesting that my perceptions of my own social difficulties are overblown; which, when offered by others (friends, therapists) I know to be invalidating to autistic people. That was a big “duh” moment for me. After thinking about this short, I also realize that one of the things that I do in talking about our issues is to suggest I can see through her mask when she is trying to look “fine” but isn’t. Which I think I can, but it suddenly occurs to me why that might be an upsetting idea to her.
What I know is uncomfortable for me is that, as I’ve gotten more difficult to deal with, she’s started masking heavily with me. Long before I thought about autism or masking, I noted that she put on a face for other people, but not me. It hurts a lot to see her masking with me now, and frankly I do the same.
Sorry for this long comment. And thank you so much for this short.
Everyone masks in social situations to a certain degree. It’s not just a trait for people with autism. It’s also a normal part of being a human.
Thanks really made me tear up, honestly hit a nerve that I’m not the only one.
One of the most important thing in relationships is understanding that no one person can meet all your needs, and you arent capable of meeting everyone else's needs. Everyone masks sometimes, and I think its good in small doses. But if your masking for others takes up too much energy, you won't have enough for yourself or others; and you actually wont be as engaged if you're worried about if others think youre engaged enough. Melt downs are worse than someone thinking you're boring.
You don't need to be the version of yourself you think society expects, you need to be authentic and offer people the support or kind of connection you are good at offering. I have 2 good friends i go to when im having a hard time. One is a shoulder to cry on, someone who will sit with me and my emotions to help me process. Another I go to when i need to get my mind of things or get out of a funk. I cannot go to my sympathetic friend if im trying to distract myself, because she will be too focused on care and sympathy. My friend whose good at elevating my mood gets super impatient with my emotions. Learn to offer your strengths, and only expect of people what they are actually capable of offering.
It's interesting that your constant masking makes you less tolerant of those who can't mask. Wouldn't it be great if you accepted yourself enough to be that person that others can feel comfortable unmaking around?
Good for you! I don’t have autism and honestly the effort you are talking about I don’t bother putting on ever, i believe what I am feeling in the moment will be construed through both my tone, my eyes and my smile or no smile without putting so much effort or pressure. Also at my age I really don’t worry about others opinions of me, not my business. My own self worth is more important at this stage of my life, and I hope you get to a point where you feel comfortable enough not to continue with your masking in your relationships.
Thank you for showing you. I feel you. Forget about 'entertaining' everyone else, you look after you, Poppet. I'm 60 and waiting for official diagnosis (suggested by my doc... Was news to me!!) So your videos have really helped me. Please... Be yourself. You're lovely 😊xx
Thats so much hard work. I imagine there are a lot of people carrying this load.
I have such a hard time making my voice and face have the proper emotions when I'm tired, especially in loud, crowded areas. Like I swear I'm having a good time, I just don't have the energy to display that on my face. And I'm still listening to what you're saying even if I don't have the energy to force eye contact.
Waww. This honest vulnerability really startling. You are wonderful to dare to say these. And it is very eye opening, but at the same time it is sad. I wish you to believe that people who love you do not need that mask. You do not need to be afraid of those things. ❣️🙏❤️
Always was a weird dyslexic/dyspraxic and sensitive kid, keep finding out ways that connect me to being autistic and adhd. Vids like this make me understand myself so much more esp whilst healing some trauma and coming back to the overwhelming sensations remembering why i do all these body things in the first place
I think that this is something that everyone does. Maybe to different extents, but I know that there are definitely times I feel really sad or depressed but I’m at a party so I have to brighten it up a little bit.
I’m not saying the struggle is exactly the same, but the reason it’s called a spectrum is because these things exist for allistic people too. Sometimes the world can be exhausting but for me I find it more exhausting to be 100% authentic with everyone all the time. People forget a mask is a protection, not necessarily always a bad thing.
I like you. I've got a long list of labels like autism,adhd,anxiety tbi and ptsd. But I'm just me. I'm guilty of this masking for work and to please others. You are a treasure. Blessings sister. 🌻
To be honest, I much prefer this unmasked you! Not sure if my explanation makes sense and it is difficult to put my finger on it, but if I had to desribe the reason I'd say that on an emotional level of mine you suddenly turned from a distant you tube entertainer, specialising in ADHD and Autism, into a human being I can relate to. But just to be clear, I like both Ellas, just the unmasked a bit more.
As a young person just starting out in the world I needed this thank you
I can relate to this, I get so tired of pretending to be happy for other people's sake! I've not been diagnosed with anything however I can absolutely feel for you on this! I would love to hang out with you, I would 100% genuinely enjoy time with you, no need to smile unless you actually want to!
It is so tiring. Thank you 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
This is so comforting to hear. It's so difficult pretending every day, even in private, that I'm bubbly and peppy when it's that very persona causing me to actually feel so overwhelmed and sad. And the frustration with other people "getting to relax" and such is so real. Even beyond autistic masking, I am a people pleaser, and I get so angry and confused when other people get to express their emotions freely (even when I know it's completely justified, it's just so hard to grasp that other people could be allowed to express themselves that way).
I spend the first two hours of the day with this face 😕 at the gym. I pump myself up before going into work because I’m expected to be the class clown 🤡. When I don’t act like a 🤡 everyone thinks there’s something wrong with me when really I’m just tired of performing at the circus 🎪
God this video feels so nice to watch. Just seeing someone like me talking like we should naturally is comforting
I've literally never been able to smile on cue. Your comment "smile goes all the way up to my eyes" finally explained the thing I'd been missing and i can now do a stupid fake allistic smile when i need to. Thank you so much!
I’m learning so much about myself as a spoonie who masks an illness and about the autistic people in my life, thank you for this.
I actually find your unmasked self a lot more engaging and calming to watch (as an audHD'er myself) but I completely understand why you choose to mask for videos or in your personal life. I do the same thing and it can be quite exhausting at times 😞
I'm so sorry that you feel the need to mask. I'm sure there are people around you who like your unmasked self ❤❤❤❤
My son masks a lot, thank you for sharing. He’s very much himself with me but I’m always wanting to learn more so I know he feels he can be 100% himself with me
This makes so much sense to me. In adulthood I’ve learned to take on this almost over the top bouncy persona when around people and I am aware that I’m constantly trying to be funny and entertain people for them to like me. I know this comes from a place of overcompensating for the fact that I’m rubbish at serious conversations and small talk so I always try to dominate the conversation to make it about things that I know they will find funny or things I know I can talk about and understand. Over the past few years I have withdrawn from loads of friendships because I am going through a long period of burnout. I can’t keep up this act anymore. If I socialise with people, i need days to recover afterwards and if I see people I need at least 2 or 3 days to prepare so I can plan the interaction. I have only just realised I might be neurodivergent because I have 2 diagnosed children. It took me a long time to accept that they were autistic because I was in denial. When my oldest was little, every time the teachers would say “She doesn’t give eye contact” I’d answer “Well I have never given eye contact and I did/do all those things and I turned out fine” and truth is I know I wasn’t fine, school was hell for me, and I just learned to mask really well. I am capable of masking so well that I didn’t realise I was even masking, it’s only when I realise what it has done to my mental health over the course of a life time that It all makes sense. I don’t remember a point in my life when I haven’t suffered from some kind of anxiety or depression, it’s manifested in different ways such as health anxiety, panic attacks, OCD behaviours, panic attacks, insomnia, anger, not always all at the same time but there has always been something. During the times when I’ve felt ok I’ve still never been completely great It was always functional depression or anxiety. I’ve never been not overwhelmed or anxious to some degree.
I found the way you were in this video really relatable and I completely understand where you're coming from.
I dont know how its for other people but observing you fidgeting with your hands helped me staying focused o what you were talking about. Easiest information I obtained since last few weeks.
Hey, I really like you unmasked. Probably more people than you think like you this way too. Glad you're being your true self here, I hope you do it when you're with people. ❤
You just gotta let yourself relax, I know that seems like I’m making it sound easy but it’s not it’s a lot of work to let yourself relax but the only way to do it is to just do it best of luck to anyone on this journey take your time you got this
you genuinely have described what ive felt for so, so long and couldn’t express/describe properly to my therapist. thank you so much for sharing this because i really needed to know this isn’t a me thing
Absolutely spot on. Thanks so much for this. I've gradually come to realise I thought this was the rule, the polite way to be, to the extent I've noticed myself 'tone & expression' policing my bf, who is very likely also auDHD. Starting to work on this now. All the best my lovely xx
It sounds like there are deeper, rooted issues of insecurity as well ❤
I suspect you’d find a crowd that’s yours when living life unmasked; I found you soothing to listen to and completely fine to watch.
This video is so relaxing. Thank you for sharing! Its a bit scary when other autistic content creators show only masking self. We keep hearing of masking, but it's hard to find the unmasked self.
I found that when I make friends with more ND people, I let myself unmask more and more naturally. I will mask only when necessary now, like an NPC kind of thing lol.
A relationship should be 2 sided in my opinion. If they cannot accept that I look mean when thinking, follow an invisible fly when talking, not able to communicate to me that I've been going on about my special interest for too long, etc.... then I struggle forming a connection to them. I will never change myself anymore. There's 8billion people, chances are we will meet fellow like people.
Thank you for being YOU! You are enough and the more everyone acts realistically the more normalized being actual becomes. Also hard relate to this, I'm usually the "great host" and "always fun to be around" person until I went way past my burnout and got physically unwell for some years now. And ultimately during that time so many "good friends" fell off and just don't reach out (including some family members). My actual friends have shown who they are once I didn't have that much masking energy anymore.
"Because i'm scared that if im not entertaining enough, nobody will want to spend any time with me" felt that
Thank you for this! I didn’t realize that I’ve been masking for most of my life
You’re doing a great job educating people
I can tell by your hands that your mask is as off as it can be because I do the same thing! Well done for doing this and I deeply feel the confusion when others don't prop themselves up when feeling rubbish and 'fake it' for me like I do for them. No negativity towards them, just confusion and maybe a bit of jealousy.
You seem like a wonderful, chill person who is capable of the ever elusive comfortable silence so many people don't know they need and I know I personally am always looking for in my friends. You don't need to mask to be valued. ❤
Wow, thank you for sharing. I'm learning about autism and how it affects people, so this was very educational. I hope you meet more people whom you don't have to mask around.
Watching you makes me feel so good cause you understand completely and it feels good to know others are like me thank you for sharing and being brave. You empower me. Thank you so much. ❤
I'm so sorry that you feel you need to mask to have a friend. My heart goes out to you.
ah, a much needed reminder. thank you ella. we need to accept ourselves as we are unmasked, because we can't keep burning out /gen.
I very much appreciate everything you said. I have ADHD & I often feel obligated to be the persona that wears me out. I keep a smile on my face right from the start of the day & I honestly don’t know how to be otherwise because I’ve feared letting go. Thank you so much for sharing.
This video just made me realize that I often mask with my voice tone, too, for the exact reasons you said. And it explains why I tend to have much more fun when I feel allowed to talk in my "lazy" voice while playing games online.
People who are around you and supposed to like you - they will like you- just for you being you. And the one who don't- is not your worry. Love yourself ❤ Every one is special - God doesn't make mistakes.😊
Thank you for speaking up for us! Making us aware that we aren’t alone in this ❤😢 hugs 🫂
Oh honey! YOU are wonderful! As you present yourself now is similar to how I am always. I am 56 and I never have been able to fake being anyone but myself. Love from the United States.😊
Why am I realizing this is me... my neice just received an autism diagnosis at 15 & after researching for a better understanding im realizing I have most of these characteristics. How do you know for sure? Everything is making sense... I'm 40 years old & my life is finally making sense. Thank you for being vulnerable. You are wonderfully comforting. 😊
How can someone get bored with you if you're your authentic self?
Finally, the right people for you can come in. You're awesome!
I have no diagnosis, but i can relate to a lot. Just a week ago i had a meltdown, because i am so tired of always putting on a smile. I feel like it contributes to my tention headaches, which lead to migraines, but if i don't, i imediatly get comments from everyone around me of whats wrong or that im all of a suddent laking at my job, because im "moody". I don't feel always super mega happy, but if don't look like that, i have a resting b face and everyone thinks im sad and literally think that that forced happy go lucky attitude is my normal, even though my normal/relaxed/unbothered is unintentionally bitchy.
Your last sentence! And I really believe that’s not just me overthinking things. I have noticed that most people are allowed to relax and not put on an upbeat mood all the time. I genuinely have noticed that I don’t get that same permission and that I’m treated extremely differently if I don’t act ok all the time. People think I’m being dramatic or rude if I show a negative emotion.
Just be you. It’s too exhausting being what others want you to be. I don’t have many friends and that’s fine. I only have to spend my energy on people who are actual friends .
I'm in my late 50s and I am autistic. I was not diagnosed until last year when I noticed how many of the things I do all the time matched the symptoms(?) in the autism videos I was seeing online. I talked to my therapist about it, so they tested me. I wonder how many other people just live in misery without knowing why. The knowledge has given me new ways of dealing with the world, and I'm so much happier.
As far as the masking that the woman is talking about in this video, I have done this all my life, and I have manged to get fairly good at it. It's just that, until now, I didn't know why socializing was so incredibly exhausting.
I hate having to be with a group of any more than 3 people. At this point, I can handle masking with up to 3, but any more than that, and I just shut down. It has taken me years to learn to do this, and it's still exhausting. Life means I have to do it, though.
I have a couple of friends that I can be with fairly comfortably, but when one of them started dating another person regularly, I thought about letting them go as a friend. However, they are important enough to me that I worked very hard to make room for this new person. I am glad that they ended up getting married because, otherwise, all my work would have been for nothing.
Please, if anyone else has had this happen, share with me how it turned out for you. I would like to know if this is common with autist people and their relationships. 7
Yeah you actually make me more comfortable when you're not masking or at least when I'm watching you. Idk how it would feel in person, but I definitely feel more comfortable with you like this.
Also, love your authentic self. Not boring at all! 💖
I have autism and dyspraxia (didn't know for a while they were different) I can honestly relate to every single one of those points and it's so mentally and physically draining and can lead to me not being able to sleep or have any interest in daily activities I normally would do and or enjoy
This is fascinating. Thank you for your honesty
So interesting. I also mask constantly around people apart from maybe safe close family. It is truly exhausting and actually difficult to stop sometimes x
This video kinda made me cry! I didn't realize how bad it was for me until this video. No wonder I feel exhausted all the time.
You’ve put this in words so perfectly!! 😭😭😭😭
Same though. I've been told I have RBF and that I need to smile more.
Whenever I'm in public, I am constantly in hyper mode because I'm never quite sure of people's intentions. Whenever I'm surrounded by a difficult situation, I don't exactly shut down, I have to tell myself...'Okay, we got this, it's okay...you're safe...you can do it!'
It's a constant struggle.
I feel privileged to have discovered you in a period of your life where I've been able to see you develop and change before me. Being able to see what unmasking looks like IRL is so different from just reading or hearing about it. Take care, dear Ella. You are a wonderful person.
I hope you can surround yourself with people you can comfortably be yourself around
It's so interesting to see just how much the way autism presents itself varies.
I usually find that I have to tone down my excitement so people don't get annoyed at me, there are only about 3 people total that I can release my full energy on.
On the other hand I often act more energetic on purpose so when people comment on it I don't feel like the're commenting on real me. Like a people can't call me as who I am weird when I'm doing it intentionally type situation
Your authenticity is engaging. Please just be yourself. ❤❤❤
Genuinely, prefer it when you speak more slowly. But that’s probably because I’m autistic and struggle to keep up with the faster pace of life. Thank you for making this video ❤
I relate so much! I've been trying to unmask for a couple of years and whenever I find someone like me it's absolutely amazing. That is the biggest reason I unmask. If I met someone like me and we both masked we couldn't have that unique connection.
Omg!!! Thank you this was a revelation. Thank you for arriculating so clearly what i have been feeling my whole life but could not grasp or name.
You seem comfortable and authentic to me. If feel like I could be comfortable hanging out with you. I hope you are being yourself.
Thanks for being brave Ella I resonate with you❤
I‘ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD but not with autism though I often suspect it might be in the mix as well.
I didn‘t realize how much energy I am putting into social interactions (I will say that this applies to groups a lot more than in one-on-one situations) up until a few months ago. I now call it being a social fountain - all high energy and positive and entertaining for the benefit of the others, almost immediately quiet and calm once I‘m alone. Sometimes, when I know I‘ve surpassed my limit, I really need social time-out for an extended period of time so ai can recalibrate. I genuinely don‘t know how I didn‘t see this pattern a lot earlier, I‘ve always done this.
Thanks! You are beautiful and perfect as you are and your friends that sees that are the only ones deserving your love ❤️
By the way, I just wanted to say I think your content is amazing. I see a lot of creators on here talking about AuDHD, but you are unusually insightful and easy to relate to.