That is exactly my mom too, ive been living with her all upon now at 23 yrs old. My whole life i though i was too nice of a person and the way my mom act is how most people do too until i became mature and further on searched mental illnesses...
Sounds so familiar! I’ve lived with that for 49 years and like I said in a comment: I’m at the end of a never ending rope! It’s so draining! You are always the bad guy; she’s always in the right or the victim! And as soon as you voice a single thought or emotion that makes her look bad, it’s another horrible episode! You end up leaving so you don’t make things worse; and then YOU end up feeling guilty! She has a wonderful way of always making YOU feel bad for expressing a thought or emotion! My mother says straight out: “Oh, Aritina (in a very staccato way), you’re a stupid child!” (mind you, I’m 49!) Me, in my head: Um… ok… I guess this is going nowhere fast! “Ok, bye mom! I’ll talk to you later.” And I leave feeling my blood boiling and then somehow feeling bad for opening that can of worms to begin with!
You all prolly dont care at all but does any of you know a trick to get back into an instagram account? I was stupid lost the login password. I love any tricks you can give me
The best is when you accept that your mother is not normal, establish strong boundaries and do not have any expectation of your mother. I do not know if my mother has NPD or BPD but it does not mather any more. I do not have any expectations, I established boundaries and accepted that I have never had a loving mother. I healed and I wish everybody a god healing journey.
I am the daughter of a bpd mother. My entire life has been dominated by her illness and terrible, impulsive choices. I have had to cut all ties with my mother (devastating) as her treatment of me is abusive and soul destroying. The catalyst for this came after I was involved in a major car crash. My mother was completely unable to empathise or show kindness. She made a bad situation worse. She was not used to me needing her as our roles swapped when I was very young. I am in therapy and have been for a while; my mother solely relies on medication. There is no cure, however dbt therapy has great, life changing results. I pray everyday for my mother and wish she would get the help she needs. It took me 37 years to realise that my mental health is just as important as hers.
@@cbomb34122 please take care of yourself. You and everyone who reads this if you're raised by a BPD mother, check the subreddit for that and work on getting better. Do not tolerate abuse
"the daughter didn't side with the mother" hit the hardest. I always have to express my support of her side of things even when I know she's wrong or else she will refuse to continue the conversation and get mad at me. I'm 25 and thankful to not live with her anymore.
My mother didn’t come to my baby shower for my first (also her first grandchild) because weeks before, I hadn’t defended her in an argument with my husband of the time. And even though he’s my ex now and turned out to be an idiot, he was in the right in that argument.
Honey, please get as far away as you can and heal yourself! You matter even if you didn’t get that message. I wish I’d left at 25. Instead I left at 38. Best decision ever. We can always have empathy but we don’t need to be involved in the crazy dance. I never comment but was drawn to tonight for some reason. Best wishes ❤
My mother was bipolar. I’m borderline. My brother is schizophrenia. My sister was - I think - bipolar. Moral of the “story”: sick parents makes sick children regardless of diagnosis if the environment if unhealthy. I think a lot of it is due to violation of the child’s boundaries.
People with BPD often get a bipolar diagnosis, so there may be a chance that mom and sister are actually BPD and not bipolar. Also, they could have comorbid diagnoses. Here's a vid Dr. Grande did on the differences between the two: ruclips.net/video/dU1oRnWkRp0/видео.html
My mother was definitely bipolar - I watched the wild mania and the devastating depressions. But off course this doesn’t exclude a co morbid bpd illness but I’m 53 and when my mother was young there was not focus and knowledge of bpd like today.
NKN112011 that’s true. Bipolar is more easily identified seen from outside what with the mania and depression whereas bpd might be more “silent” and more in the background. I will never know though since they’re dead.
OMG you just explained my whole childhood. Whenever my NPD dad was in devaluation phase with my mom she would accuse me of doing what my dad was actually doing and explode in psychotic rage. It was confusing, terrifying and completely disorienting because it was so irrational and unfair.
Ditto! I’m so sorry but relieved that I am not the only one dealing with this. I literally feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone when speaking to my mother or entering her house! And a dad that is definitely NPD! What a bad combo
Its really sad when a parent lacks emotional maturity. It really robs the family unit the opportunity to Grow closer and bond. Leaving a void in family body that grows in hunger for this needed connections. Thanks dr grande for what you do.
I have not spoken to my mother in over a year....most people cannot understand why I chose to remove myself and my son from my mothers life...spent my whole life trying to understand my mothers behavior toward me.... I understand now.
Same here. I cut ties a year ago. Lif3 has been more peaceful. Whenever I try to fix the relationship she constantly blames me and then says I dont care about her etc. Its such a draining vicious cycle.
I almost kicked my mother out of my home today. It was horrible. But i told her I won’t put up with that behavior. It was a circular argument as always and then it turns out I’m disrespectful and I should just be quiet and not “talk back” for once. I didn’t curse or insult not once. She was being petty towards my 7 yo old son which is what made me angry at the end.
"Inaccurate Empathy." I am an AMFT/School Counselor, and I suffer from having a BPD mother. Every symptom/behavior you mentioned describes my relationship with her. It is painful and causes anxiety. Thank you for this video; exposure is helpful.
This is so accurate. I used to always wonder why my mom acted so emotional when I was child (mostly sad and angry). The endless boyfriends, the unending interest in the men coming in and out of our lives and homes, the asking me for emotional support when I was a child, the walking on eggshells, the many homes, the many jobs shed get, lots of drama, lots of impulsivity, lots of circular arguments, lots of mean words and insults but then lots of affection that made me feel guilt for ever even THINKING about getting mad at her.. I was extremely quiet as a child and my mindset was to always put her emotions first because I didn’t want her to get angry or sad. I catered to her emotions while growing up, and now as an adult woman, I won’t take it anymore. For example, I wouldn’t even dare to ask if she’d join an event because I knew she’d be tired from work and it would be an angry response, I just knew to be quiet and go along with her mood. But she claims I’m disrespectful and that there’s always been something “missing” between us...but how do I confront her about all this...or the better question is...should I confront her? Her circular reasoning is unending.
You can confront her but it will bring a terrible response so know what you’re getting into. She will NEVER admit her bad behavior so why face all the bs?
Wow. This is bringing so much clarity. Growing up, my mom would say things to me like “it’s more like you are my mom!” I was placed into a role of caretaking, having to be the strength for my mom’s mental illness. In adulthood, she dumps everything on me - ESP her marital problems with my dad. I told her literally dozens of times to please not do this, but she won’t stop. She uses anything as ammo; she gets angry and says things under her breath if my dad tells me a story and doesn’t tell her, for instance. She will message me in all caps- telling me she is IN DESPAIR, but refuses to seek any mental health counseling. It’s getting worse and worse, and I can hardly even have a relationship with my dad because she will use it to say “i’m on his side” and justify her victim complex (everyone is so mean to her). I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m starting to feel like she actually resents me.
It is so helpful for me to watch videos like this one when my mother and I are on good terms because I think sometimes I find it easier to pretend during those times that our relationship is entirely normal. In reality, she ticks all of these boxes and we have gone through many, many rough patches. Things like this are a healthy reminder to set and maintain boundaries even when things are somewhat smooth between us.
My mother ticks all of these characteristics. This video gave me relief and helped me to understand better. In my own experience, I learned very quickly not to give my opinion on ANYTHING. Survival strategy. No matter how much she asked, I always agreed with her or would not answer, if I could get away with it. My mother has total inaccurate empathy, zero cognitive empathy.
My mother was a quiet BL. I am also BL. My relationship with my mom wasn't negative... but quite the opposite. We were very close. So when my sister & I lost her quickly to cancer... it sent me spiraling down into an abyss. It was almost 3 yrs. later, I was diagnosed with BPD as well as PTSD. I know the bond that was so strong, ended up becoming my prison, & my memories of her a torture to be repeated over & over again. I know our relationship was obviously enmeshed. It just didn't take me down until she was gone. The pain never seems to go... I flood with emotions & I literally feel her loss again as if it just happened. I miss her more than life. She was a wonderful mom... & a amazing person. She was just dealt a shitty hand in life.... in turn... never really lived. My grandma was a covert narcissist for sure... I would love to see one on a BL MOTHER & DAUGHTER ENMESHED RELATIONSHIP. I see so much on the bad side of BL. Mom's... granted mine wasn't perfect, but my mama loved us more than life itself. Thanks Dr. Grande! I've watched you for years! 😊
So sorry for your loss! Some people with bpd are the most passionate loving people in existence. I bet she loved you very Much! Let yourself grieve. It doesn't matter how long it takes. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm so fed up with always seeing bad traits of BPD and never the good traits that also go with this type of personality. Parents with BPD can be so much loving towards their children, and have a lot of nice traits besides the bad ones. They just must be reassured about how much they are loved and understood. They can give you a lot. On the contrary to Narcissistic parents who really can be so cold and without any emotions and feelings towards their children. They never give you nothing because they only care about themselves alone. I think NPD is much more destroying. As parents they can ruin your life forever, you can go and see psychiatrists for many years without recovering.
One big giveaway is whether the mother tends to have emotional or cognitive empathy. A narcissistic mother is low in emotional empathy while a mother with strong BPD traits generally got a strong emotional empathy. They are a mirror image of that when it comes to cognitive empathy. The BPD mother might misinterpret a response from her daughter and act in an inappropriate way due to misjudging what her daughter is actually feeling. This is a classical example of the road to hell being paved with good intentions. The narcissistic mother may have a much better cognitive understanding of what her daughter is experiencing, but lacking the ability to emotionally express it in an appropriate manner which is helpful.
@@naturallyme7231 actually things are even more confusing with my own mother..she reacts sometimes in one way, as if she she doesn't understand but in weird emotional expression & sometimes like she knows what someone is going through, but (maliciously) withholds any support. and in majority of cases I had a problem, she went into disturbing rage episodes.. I personally 've come to the conclusion that borderline equals a covert narcissist most of the time. These are very fluid & intangible matters to draw broad lines bettwin disordered people.. You feel devastated, broken, suicidal, drained from any will to live? Your a victim of narcissistic - borderline abuse.. call it however u want, the impact is the same... 😢
This explains so much of my childhood. I remember the first time my mother told me about my dad being unfaithful and being found in a bedroom with a neighbour…. I was 7. Not appropriate Mum! I could never show emotion even when I was really sad, I was either slapped or told off for being ‘too sensitive and stupid’ and sent to my room. This is the tip of the iceberg. I learned from my mother how NOT to mother. Thank goodness my relationship with my beautiful daughter is very different ❤
Also when you said that the times when the mother is single is the best time for the mother-daughter relationship speaks to me on such a deep level. Growing up, when my mom was single, those were literally the best times of my life. She would pay so much attention to me and we would always be hanging out and we felt so close, but then she would either choose a partner or go back to a partner who didn't like me. I never understood how a mother would choose to be with a partner who doesn't like their child. By not like, I mean that several of her partners would get mad at her if she would try to hang out with me on the weekends or spend time alone with me. This is still an issue for us.
I'd be really interested in a discussion between the differences/similarities between BPD and C-PTSD, especially when it comes to a mother-daughter relationship. Thanks :)
Dr. Grande has a video on the differences between the two. As someone with CPTSD, I get very sensitive about any suggestions that they are similar and/or should be lumped together in the DSM. Having a BPD mother and sister I'm very familiar with BPD traits and I can appreciate how they may appear similar. But once you look under the hood, you'll see a completely assembly.
@@OnsceneDC I have the exact same diagnoses with family members, plus BP, on both my family and my in law side. Lol. And I'm the only 1 trying to get healthier. Not surprisingly, I have some of the same diagnoses as you, plus a few extra, and man, it is NOT easy. We got this!💙
I think BPD starts later on in life and has more to do with several traumatic events in late childhood/early adulthood. I could be wrong but that is what I understood when I got my diagnosis.
I had a co-dependent relationship with a friend for about 6 years. She went to get counseling only at the end of our relationship, when I was trying to slowly back out of it. She was diagnosed with BPD, while I had been thinking for years that she had NPD. I know the vulnerable narcissist looks pretty much like someone with bordeline traits so i guess I wasn't too far from the truth. Anyway, the level of toxicity in these relationships can go of the charts, and when you try to get answers and insight on that subject, you can't always relate to the 'practical examples' and anecdotes from others ; there's a lot of videos out there about romantic/marrital relationships with people with those traits but this one, Daughter-in-law + Mother-in-law is one of the closest to what I have personnally gone through with that type. Thank you for sharing your insight like that!
I can't believe you just described my mom 1000%. How can I as a daughter cope with those behaviors? She makes me feel so responsible for everything that is wrong or not perfect in her life. I am 21 and so broken, I can't get myself out of this toxic relationship but something really needs to change. Any tips or experiences????? Seems like I am twice as ill as she is just from growing up with her.
@@kevinhornbuckle I see my psychologist once a week for yeaaaars now and last summer I was in a clinic so yes fortunately I'm getting help it is just very hard and I thought maybe there are some other options that are focused on this exact topic :)
Glad you are getting help. There are a few books out there (and probably numerous articles online) about dealing with someone with BPD. My mother has it and sometimes I wish I had cut off contact with her. I wanted to "do the right thing" but now I am 51 and she is 83 and she is still a burden and manipulative although she is actually much better now than when I was growing up. Best wishes to you. Don't let others guilt you if you have to end the relationship
This makes so much sense. My mother was so attached and dependent with me until I cut her off for a year (kind of, still paying some bills and seeing her but very rarely as opposed to how it was growing up) to get some pressure taken off and ever since it’s almost impossible to see her. She almost never ever wants to see me and it’s so painful. I left because she was hurting me and now our bond is completely broken, permanently, even when I need her most. It feels as though I don’t have a mother anymore but an awkward friend. This whole video is my childhood.
Holy… after 38 long years of a tumultuous, abusive, unstable life/relationship with my mom, it FINALLY makes sense! She has BPD!!! I was to blame for everything with and for her behavior. The constant “games” she seemed to play. Unable to be there for me in anyway. Even with school. The very, overtly obvious and severe favoritism of her doing the complete opposite of what and how she treated me with my brother. My brother got everything and was idolized and I was the monster that she also couldn’t let go of and depended on. This constant love you/hate you relationship. It was devastating and severely toxic and exhausting. Accusing me of the most heinous crimes with her many many boyfriends and multiple husbands when I was a child/teenager. Me being the Mom and stable one. Her reckless behavior. These “patterns” that I noticed when I was in my teens and especially in my 20’s. I could sense when shit was about to hit the fan and life was going to be really rough and unstable. Her unwillingness to support me in anything I’d like to pursue. Her constant insecurity and negative outlook with other people and especially other women. People not staying her friends for very long. Her inability to get along with others at work very well. Her hot and cold love/heart/emotions. Me having to raise my brother, her and myself. She did always keep the same roof over our head after my dad and her divorced and she was always bringing in good money. It’s just the companies she worked for switched often and people didn’t seem to like her. My world feeling like it was constantly flipped upside down and a yo-yo simultaneously as a child and as an adult with her. My life and world revolved around her and having to constantly walk on eggshells around her. Her suicidal behaviors at times. Her chain smoking. My self esteem was all but gone because I was just the worst daughter/person ever and I believed this. The cops were frequent visitors at our home. But she blamed me for everything. Her mean-spirited, manipulative behavior towards me. I cut her off completely in 2013 and moved out of the state, couldn’t take it anymore. I was able to seek help and recover from her [BPD] abuse. I finally was able to realize that it was never my fault, I wasn’t the “bad one”, I wasn’t the one who caused all these issues and insanity. And I’m not messed up! Never was, SHE IS! I do suffer from CPTSD because of her BPD and narcissistic personality disorder. I also suffer from physical illnesses that I truly believe are a result of my body reaction from the abuse. I have on top of that Hypermobile Ehlors-Danlos Syndrome. When I was kid, I got sick and was in pain quite often and my Mom was never sympathetic nor there for me. I only found out last year I have this genetic disease. Explains a lot. She always accused me of seeking attention and faking it. Thank God I had both my grandparents that believed me and gave me a break at times. Decades of this horrific type of trauma will have a significant impact on any one’s health. Her severe alcoholism only made things a million times worse! I’m in a very, happy and healthy marriage these past 7 years. Finally feeling stability for the first time in my life since meeting my husband. It’s made all the difference. I went through intense therapy of many kinds the first several years once I cut her off. I still have flashbacks and nightmares. But it’s improved significantly. I’m 38 and currently 16 weeks pregnant with both our 1st child. My daughter will never, ever know my Mom. Ever. Jesus is the ONLY one that has helped me through this horrific pain and life. If it wasn’t for His love, mercy and kindness, I wouldn’t be here today. He was the only constant, stability I could reach for. Especially as a child. He was my Father and Mother. He led me out and away from that toxic life that was killing me. My life is His.💞🌈💞
Wow, it's so great to get this kind of validation, even if decades after the crazy making happened. I was my mother's confidante on relationship and sex issues from my early adolescence. After she kicked out my father of a 20 year marriage she was out on the town, reliving a second adolescence. She had two concurrent boyfriends, asked me back then: "Which one shall I choose?" She offered no practical guidance on protection however or anything that would have really helped me in relationships. If her advice weren't outright destructive, it was still worthless.
Great video, as always. You know you have a borderline mother when you tell her you went to see a counselor (for the first time ever) at the university health clinic and she calls them to let them know that any bad things you might have said about her are not true! You know you have a borderline mother when she tries to stop you from leaving by threatening to slash her wrists with a butcher knife. It's gets a whole lot worse than just them trying to drag you into their dysfunctional relationships and rescue them after they have alienated everyone.
I'll add one- you know you have a borderline mother when psychotic fits rage, screaming & verbal abuse are commonplace events. And then afterwards they act like nothing happened. It is so profoundly hurtful & damaging to children to have to grow up with a parent like this.
i know this comment is from a year ago, but I'm currently dealing with the same thing. Because of the pandemic, I tried online counseling and I am so scared if my mother finds out, bc there's a huge possibility she would lash out on me for badmouthing her. On one of her episode, she threatened to go outside naked, which i prevented by taking away the front door key. She then proceeded to grab a knife and waved it around, and then threatened that she cut her wrist. I was 18 then, 20 now. Nothing has changed. I don't see a future with her. But there's a relief in seeing that i am not alone in this..
Ughhh, painful to hear this cause it's so spot on. Except in my mom's case these are friendships that she's mishandling rather than romantic relationships. All of therapists I have had think bpd might be my moms problem. As much as I want to save myself from the stress, I also dream of her having a comfortable life, but she almost feels there is some dignity in surviving a miserable life where everyone is "jealous" of her.☹️
This applies to Mothers and sons as well. My stepson/ child we had custody of off and on for 97% of his life that is now almost 19 and lives with me these days, has gone through all of these things and continues to. Yesterday, Mother's Day here in America, he was reduced to a puddle of tears, guilt, humiliation, depression and even feelings of insecurty towards the absolutely LOVING partner he has. Watching my son suffer breaks my heart. As I have read from many children raised by mothers with BPD, he still loves and adores his mother and is constantly made to feel like his love isn't true or valid if he doesn't ONLY love her and/or let his life be fully controlled by her. The amount of unstable relationships and men she has done the things described to him with are innumerable.
My mother has BPD but those 10 signs don't describe our relationship too well. I do cut her off sometimes, for couple of years. So do my siblings. So that was correct, but the emotions are extremely high at those times - too bad we can't report our mother for stalking as she doesn't break into our homes if we don't let her in ... It's so weird - our relationship is horrible and she is still determined to have it! It's ... I don't know ... weird! Sex and relationship talks are one of the few that cause me no mental harm and are interesting, too. Best talks! The last one - wrong emotional response. It's not that she laughs when I tell her my problems. It's just she tries to say she understands but when she describes what I said, she gets me absolutely wrong, I don't like the way she guesses me to think and I really get horrified how weird she makes me sound like. She assumes me to have motives and feelings I don't have at all, at the same time she seems to be caring and compassionate and ... it looks that she tries very hard. But the way she imagines me to think is horrible, horrible, so infantile and selfish, ewwwww. Yakk. And I calm down when I'm away but she remains hysterical and tries to "mend the relationship" although talking was what ruined it. I think we should communicate in a bigger company, not just two of us, there should be no "heart-to-heart" talks with her. God knows where her heart is.
My mom was with someone who beat her. I use to try to throw myself between them to break up the fight. Once when I was about 3-4 I went catotonic in the corner and didn't help her, she held that against me for the rest of my life. She never once thought about the stress she was putting her kid into that went lifeless from watching so much fighting, screaming and violence. Somehow at 3-4yrs I was supposed to be able to keep my composure and save her.
My mother was a nightmare. She was devastating to everyone around her and every moment of her children’s and the family’s life was ruled by her moods. I still loved her she was who I had to love. She was always dying or going to kill herself and she lived until 89 and now she is dead and gone I am very relieved in so many ways. Parents with this disorder do massive damage to everyone around them while convincing everyone that they are the ones being victimised. I have compassion for them and think they are despicable. Both things can be true. I am only now able to feel and process all the anger I had to tamp down around her.
I feel the same! My mother is still alive and young though. My mother is always “dying” or listening a new illness she thinks she has. I don’t understand why she does that. It’s hard to deal with the anger and frustration.
Thank you! After watching this, I think my Mom may have more Histrionic traits than Borderline -- does the inaccuracy in empathic response occur there, too? I do not turn to my Mom for comfort because all topics lead back to her. She wants to help but I exhaust myself just trying to express myself because I end up having to clear away *her* assumptions about how *she* would feel about my situation before she can actually hear me.
From my experience with ppl with Hist D. is they dont have any/much empathy. At least towards me. But I've become the scapegoat so it could have something to do with that.
@@Ginabina76 sorry to hear that 😯 With my Mom, I can't imagine she'd be diagnosed with a full-blown personality disorder but maybe some traits. Btw, I point out to her that all roads lead to her, she agrees & we usually laugh about it. I'm 57 & she's 84, so I don't think she's changing. I need to get counseling for myself.
Wow! This video basically described my life! Although it is sad that other people experience these behaviors from their mothers too, it is a relief that the condition has a name.
Dr. Grande, I'm six minutes in and I'm fully convinced you've been following my mother and I. ;) I must say, so far you're spot on. Just add a lil dementia to the mix and I'd say you'd then be exact. Empathy from my mother always results in a flip of the script in which it somehow goes back to HER pain, HER experiences, HER. This [who she is] will never change therefore I no longer allow to become her "prey". I forgave in order to truly love me without condition. For the most part she is an example of what not to do as well as what to do, although they do not share equal roles. I have always been an ideal of what her mind believes I am but never who I actually am. This statement is not as sad for me as it is for her. However, learning to empathisize without falling into her traps has at times proven to be an arduous road to travel yet it's important for me to keep in mind who I'm on the road with so that I avoid said traps. She's almost 71 at this stage of the game and is within the beginning stages of dementia. I hold no ill will toward her. Nor do I want to see her suffer. Yet simultaneously I do not want to suffer along with her as "misery loves company" and she makes herself suffer as she always has ever since I've known her. Therefore distance is inevitable and necessary in order for both my child and I to expand and share our positivities with a world that has long awaited us as much as we've awaited it. Thank you for your words and your videos. They are truly wonderful. :)
Yes! She's always having strongly emotional responses, so much so that she has to interrupt me she's so empassioned, but instead of reacting to what I said she picks a few words out which seem to trigger some kind of record that plays that she reacts to. It's so frustrating.
Intact emotional empathy and a deficit in cognitive empathy. Wow, yes! This made an adult relationship with a narcissist incredibly confusing as the inverse-someone who had cognitive empathy but anemic emotional empathy.
I have bpd and I think I am a really good mother. I put my kids 1st in everything and really try to make strong relationships with my children. I do have strong emotions and get upset when I don't want to but I watch these videos so I can be better. I am trying so hard. I know that I am doing the best I can. It is what it is.
Been struggling since I was 4. I'm 53. I'm the daughter..thank you for validation. I'm now that Mother's caregiver. I spend my days ducking and dodging, and some days go home absolutely drained. After my step father passed away two weeks ago she's begun having some paranoia involving my thinking. Sadly she misses the mark. I'm so concerned. She would never seek counseling.
Dr. Grande- I, and I think many of your other followers, have found these vignettes of family dynamics with Cluster Bs to be very illustrative. I am wondering if you are able to take it one step further and talk about the family unit in these scenarios. More specifically, I've noticed from my own personal experience, as well as those with other Cluster B disordered parents, that the children take on the role of the scapegoat, golden child, forgotten child, etc. A video introducing these general dynamics as well as talking about how they may be the same/overlap with different disorders would be useful. My experience is mainly with BPD, so I'm not sure if it applies in the same way to other Cluster B parents, but I'm sure there are a lot of similarities. Thanks for all of your outreach on this topic. I think it's helped a lot of adults understand their "unique" upbringing and "strange" relationships they have with their parents as grown ups.
I was literally forced out to leave home at an early age because of mental issues in my family, both in mother and father. I came back 25 years later after my father died and mother in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. There was massive hoarding throughout their lives, specially towards the end and the house in complete disrepair. I'm living in and rebuilding their home now, but 30 years of neglect is going to cost a lot.
OH MY GOSH!! Well I have borderline mother. I’m 32 and now fighting out that it’s an actual disorder. Haven’t had a relationship with my mother. This speaks deeply to me. I have continuous problems with her. Now that I’m older they just get worse and bigger. I’m at the moment going threw court hearings with her. It’s extremely draining!!! Dr. Grande would you be willing to help me? I’ve been looking for help with her for years!!! I have four children of my own and she’s constantly trying to kill me in my dreams. Please help.
I read alot of your stories and it's so heart breaking. I am a mother with a husband who has bpd in therapy and meds and no drugs or alchool and I must say I'm so sorry many of you never even got a appology from your parents. It's been rocky with my husband but since he's always been sober and taking meds and trying to go in therapy and now recently trying to combine therapies for the health of our family I realize how fortunate although we had our problems I have a very happy and healthy 8 year old girl. Although I understand what the Dr. is talking about because my friend married his now ex-wife and adopted her two kids and had one with her and the oldest daughter after so much abuse from the wife (to which he learned about a while after it happen (fair since he wasn't present for the first 10yrs of her life)) now at 16 has bpd herself and it's terrible ! Yet, his own daughter is like mine pretty neurotypical and joyous child and so is his 11 yrs old son. So, so much I think is due to the environnement and abuse. Good luck on the path of healing!!
My mother shows bpd, but I think npd traits also. My mom did, when she was younger share her romantic relationships with us daughters....it felt like boundary issues. She did totally rely on me to be her friend, person to do things with and would get very upset if i said no so i felt it wasnt worth it and just did whatever she wanted. She really leaned on me. I had a lot of guilt. She used to take her anger out on my husband and one if my sons. My sister and I don't ever remember her having empathy or saying she was sorry. It was so aggravating how my mom would idealize every relationship, friends too, then devalue them so we had to act excited about her new friends and listen to her stories of how great these people are, meet them, not question anything. Knowing full well she would hate them soon. Yes, so weird she would laugh and still does if you tell her there is something that hurt or upset you. Lastly, my mom never complimented any of us on our appearance, never gave any direction for our futures. She did laugh at any dreams we had of our own futures.
Wow that's so accurate... My mum has BPD and my stepfather is a pathological psychopath... Thank God I'm an adult now and can recover from the cptsd that resulted from a childhood with both toxic to the core...
That's so true. I have been denied DBT as I have had CBT in the past. So my BPD treatment has to be paid for and I do not have the funds for it. It's quite literally ....madness!!
Gazing Sun That course is for practitioners, not clients. It looks like Better Help and Good Therapy should have DBT therapists. I didn’t see a reference list of DBT-qualified therapists on the Linehan site, but you can ask. Strange that having CBT, which is pretty common, is a blocker for another, more relevant approach. Udemy is offering a short DBT self-learn program, geared to the general public. It could be worth it to try out the concept and get a sense of how the full treatment could be. It’s on sale now, and Udemy frequently has sales.
The years following my dad’s passing was a golden age with my mom. But once my brother got divorced she soon started preferring spending time with him. And I began to realize he is her favorite and not me. Ideally there would be no favorites, but if there is one, it’s him.
Same, when mom is alone it’s our golden age, I remember she always put her ex husbands, stepsons, sister etc first when they were around, that feeling of being left aside/abandoned growing up sucked
I cut my mother off 3 years ago. Its like I can see the world clearly now. Everything makes sense and I can understand whats right behaviour towards a human and which is bad. Bad treatment by bad parenting can affect your adult life so bad...
Omg I’m wondering if I am borderline. I really believe my mom is, after watching his videos 😱🥺 But I don’t fear my children leaving me, I want them to flourish, to thrive and not be miserable like I’ve been. I do over share with my children tho. I’ll have to work on that.
Amazing as usual! Dr. Grande, have you ever heard of onision? He's a youtuber who's being investigated for predatory behaviour and grooming. He claims he's borderliner (self diagnosed) but a lot of people speculate he's a narc. It would be very interesting if you analyzed him!
I've watched all of your videos & I've learned so much from you Dr. Grande. You have a gentle way of speaking to your audience & you also explain everything so that each viewer from all parts of society can really understand what you are teaching us about. I have been trying for most of my adult life to better understand my mother because she is definitely severely mentally ill however refuses to get help or even admit to it & progressively gets worse. The problem is that her symptoms are extremely severe symptoms & dangerous symptoms but they are a little of this personality disorder & a little of that personality disorder & so on & so on...I've been desperately trying to find someone I can give some information about her to who can just give me a rough idea of the direction I should be looking in as to how to deal with someone who has whatever it is she has but I don't know what she has I'm just asking if you or if you know of anyone who would be willing to take some information about her & maybe give me an opinion? Anything would be appreciated. If not I still highly respect you & love your vidoes🙂
I can relate to half of the things talked about in this video. My relationship started going downhill with my mother when I posted a picture of her dogs on Facebook. I will take the responsibility of posting a bad picture (not on purpose) I really didn't think it through before I posted it, I just thought it was a cute picture but I did take it down after I found out my mom was mad about it. The dogs had chewed something up and my mom was embarrassed of the mess. But instead of her going off on me just about the picture, she starts going into other way more personal things like why no one in my family calls me. She claimed that I was overly sensitive and that's why no one would talk to me. When I asked her in what ways I was overly sensitive and who had said that about me, she told me to just ask my siblings. Again I asked her to give me examples, she would not give me any examples. After our argument a switch flipped inside of me and I no longer felt the same way about my mother. I felt like she hated me, I felt like things had been being said behind my back for a long time and I never had a clue about it. Even though we made up later, I still don't trust her. I feel like our relationship is fake and I am the black sheep. She will give signs that she's not really interested in having a relationship with me. She puts my other siblings on a pedestal even though they treat her like garbage. No matter what I do, or how much I try to treat her good it's never enough. She'll still say questionable things to me and act weird around me. Whenever she tells me about some terrible thing my brother did to her, I'll take her side and agree with her that what he did was terrible. But then She'll turn around and start defending him and make it seem like I'm overly critical of him. She's done that to me with more than one person. I remember one time she was talking to me on the phone and my step dad text me from his job asking me if I had heard from my mom, and that he hadn't been able to get a hold of her. So I said I'm actually on the phone with her right now, let me tell her that you're trying to get a hold of her. When I told her about our conversation she literally when ape sh** on me! She was yelling at me so loud that my husband could hear her. She was freaking out because she had been avoiding his calls because she was mad at him. I had no idea that she was purposely avoiding his calls, I just assumed he might not be getting through to her because he was in another state and the signal might be bad. When I tried to calm her down it made her even more irate, eventually I just hung up. I have gone back and forth in my head trying to decide if I want a relationship with her anymore. She makes me feel like sh** about myself when I'm around her and I feel like I'm not really part of the family. It's a sad situation to be in.
Mines the same way. I've been through alot because or her, like I had been homeless for almost a year at 18 then 19. Then ran into the worst things u can out there only to come back from being damn near dead to have her make excuses for the people who hurt me. And bitch will get mad at me for defending myself too. Yea these aren't people, I rather be raised by dogs not exist all together 💁
I don’t think therapy together will help. If a parent can act normal in public, what’s the point of having a mediator in a therapist’s office? All she’s going to do is perform for the therapist and then when there’s no more therapist, she’s going to take off that mask. If I only get performed respect when there’s a third party present, then I don’t want a relationship with this parent.
Jeez I was only 3 minutes in and yep that's it. This has been my whole life. I'm 38 and finally picking up the pieces in my life with a good therapist who's teaching me EMDR. Thankfully it's helping, but it's an absolute hell to grow up with a single BPD mother. It messes up your entire life. Just wrecks you.
Dr. Grande. I love your thoughts on different personality types in film and TV. I just watched the first season of a Netflix show called "You" . The main Character Joe is very complex, likeable, and crafty. He is very charming on the outside, but I cannot figure out the cluster he belongs too. What I like about the show, is we hear his thoughts, while he is doing what appears to be insane. To be honest there are so many personality types in this show it could become overwhelming to pick out all the moving parts. If you haven't see it , it may be difficult , as busy as you are, to watch 10 episodes but I'd be very interested on your take.
My mother accused me of having sex with my father at a young age while she was molesting me. She also drove around pointing out the houses where she had affairs. I wasn't even in school yet. She became very controlling and regularly told me she hated me and she could kill me. She never self harmed though. I keep trying to find some reason for the way she behaved to make it easier to love her.
Do boarderline mothers mock and mimic your voice and actions when in an argument? Do they say things like "No one wants you" call you names like "B*tch" and "A**hole" and shame/degrade you sexually and try to lower your self esteem in arguments? Do they decide either your best friends or they threaten to cut you off and never speak to you again. Threaten to throw you out on the street, and tell you things like "I don't want a relationship with you" "I don't need you in my life" but then a few hours later, crack jokes, giggle and act like nothing happened? Does she switch from happy to angry to happy to suicidal...all in one day. Does she scream for hours and act like she's going to hit you. Wide eyed. Aggressive. Then all of a sudden. She's fine. Nothing happened. It's a great day, and your loved again.
I’m pretty sure I developed BPD (diagnosed) from living with my Bipolar (diagnosed) mother. Just today we had an argument because she constantly overshares things that make me want to wash my brain, even after I ask her to respect my boundaries. I love her, but I’ll never be the best friend she’s looking for… I feel guilty, but, for my own sanity I am unable to carry that weight for her.
We where a family of 4. Father, mother(BTD), 1st sister, and me. Having grown up with a mother with BPD made me feel broken for a very long time. Nou i feel totally cut off from her. I have fallen into depression because of her. Im not sure how to put up boundaries. A want to tell her how i feel but now i know that she wouldn't understand me at all. I feel for now in my life, im cutting ALL contact with her..... Thank you so nuch for this info dr Grande.
#9 big time. My sister and I married brothers. For 40 years they have not kept their mother in line. Now that she's driven both me and my sister away she has her sons all to herself when they visit, which is less and less. They won't be able to listen to her insult their wives and kids much longer. Hope she's happy, she got what she wanted.
Could you please do a video on borderline fathers, borderline father-child relationships, and coparenting with a borderline parent? I love your content and find it very interesting and useful in better understanding people struggling with MH.
You just have been watching mine and my sisters life…this is what we have had to go through. I live in another town from my mother and she hates it, she treats me like an extension of herself or a carer not a person. And god forbid you confront her on her horrid and sickening behaviour you’ll get abuse from her and her enabling older sister branding you a drama queen…
My mother sometime become two cruel and sometimes she becomes too sweet ,she is pointing everything on me and sometimes I want to just leave my home it feels suffocating
Well as a mother/son and grandmother/grandson case, my therapist termed grandma (who was mom) as a waif type, and my actual mom as a queen type. All of these dynamics that are turned around to the child, surviving and trying to manage crazy acting out and heavy substance use. False blame not letting anything go, and being parinoid, no way to convince them that you are definately not doing what they are attacking you on ... Im in DBT nearly a year, it really works.
Every time I talk about something that’s been bothering me and expect to see empathy from my mom she’ll instead start talking about herself and her own experiences.
My mother wanted to put her .02 cents in when we went for marriage counselling sessions. I know she is a narc, now I'm beginning to wonder about this too. She wants to intervene and butt into everything.
Dang. My mom is similar to these, not exactly the same but very similar. The funny thing is she goes to therapist but Never has gone to one specializing in personality disorders. So frustrating. The lack of cognitive empathy was right on for her. She even gets explosive when you try to teach her cognitive empathy.
My mother once suggested when I was around 10 years old that my younger needy toddler-sibling have “an accident” and die just because she was crying and being needy. I cannot make this up.
i’ve heard that sort of thing from my mom before... you will have to forgive her to heal yourself. she couldn’t help herself... i’m sorry you went through that homie
It would’ve been more helpful to explain those behaviours by not relating them to the mothers relationships with said partner. A BPD mother presents these behaviours regardless of the context. All in all a really validating video. Also explaining the cognitive empathy was so so brilliant because people forget to mention that when talking about BPD.
Sign #4 "Imagined or overexaggerated rift" is so real to me. It's so weird though I wondered if I was the only one. Interesting it's a noticed pattern.
Hi I have watched several of your videos, using headphones On many, there is noise, which I think comes from fluorescent lighting. This particular video does not have that sound, and I notice this one seems to be using incandescent or led lighting. Please keep using this kind of lighting, because the high-pitched sound from the other lighting makes it hard to listen to the video. Thank you. The videos are interesting. You really make a lot of videos!
The following might sound a bit bizarre. My personal relationships are very calm, steady and long-lasting, but I have this borderline/splitting-type of love-hate-relationship towards academic psycholoy (for about 25 years now). Any explanations/ideas someone in the community has/can give me for that? Only serious ones, please. Thank you in advance for your thoughts/suggestions.
Omg this was my like from age 13 and up . I’m 34 . Had covid and my mother could not fake empathy but she can for other people. I am constantly evaluating this relationship.
I had my tonsils out @ age (23) yrs. When the Surgeon called my parents to tell them I was out of surgery, my mother told him to stop calling. She told him that he was a quack, I never needed my tonsils out at all, (my tonsils had split in 1/2 and were turning black). It took (6) months to get a window for the surgery, where I was not ill. She did not authorize the surgery beforehand and was planning to sue the surgeon for the harassment of him calling her, asking her to visit me in the hospital. After I developed a secondary infection, the surgeon came in to tell me that he would NOT call my parents any more. They were "too abusive towards him and he was in great fear, that they would abuse me further, via phone calls or visits." My parents never spoke to me again after I had this surgery.
I'm never allowed to get mad or deserve an apology. Whenever I voice my mind there's full-blown rage, she turns things around and things get worse
That is exactly my mom too, ive been living with her all upon now at 23 yrs old. My whole life i though i was too nice of a person and the way my mom act is how most people do too until i became mature and further on searched mental illnesses...
A whole as@ argument erupts if you stomp your foot. ☹️
Sounds so familiar! I’ve lived with that for 49 years and like I said in a comment: I’m at the end of a never ending rope! It’s so draining! You are always the bad guy; she’s always in the right or the victim! And as soon as you voice a single thought or emotion that makes her look bad, it’s another horrible episode! You end up leaving so you don’t make things worse; and then YOU end up feeling guilty! She has a wonderful way of always making YOU feel bad for expressing a thought or emotion! My mother says straight out: “Oh, Aritina (in a very staccato way), you’re a stupid child!” (mind you, I’m 49!) Me, in my head: Um… ok… I guess this is going nowhere fast! “Ok, bye mom! I’ll talk to you later.” And I leave feeling my blood boiling and then somehow feeling bad for opening that can of worms to begin with!
You all prolly dont care at all but does any of you know a trick to get back into an instagram account?
I was stupid lost the login password. I love any tricks you can give me
@Aries Royal Instablaster =)
The best is when you accept that your mother is not normal, establish strong boundaries and do not have any expectation of your mother. I do not know if my mother has NPD or BPD but it does not mather any more. I do not have any expectations, I established boundaries and accepted that I have never had a loving mother. I healed and I wish everybody a god healing journey.
I am the daughter of a bpd mother. My entire life has been dominated by her illness and terrible, impulsive choices. I have had to cut all ties with my mother (devastating) as her treatment of me is abusive and soul destroying. The catalyst for this came after I was involved in a major car crash. My mother was completely unable to empathise or show kindness. She made a bad situation worse. She was not used to me needing her as our roles swapped when I was very young. I am in therapy and have been for a while; my mother solely relies on medication. There is no cure, however dbt therapy has great, life changing results. I pray everyday for my mother and wish she would get the help she needs. It took me 37 years to realise that my mental health is just as important as hers.
I relate and i hope you're doing so well now💛
Wow! This is happening to me right now. I’m 25 and just realize how deep the rabbit hole went
@@cbomb34122 please take care of yourself. You and everyone who reads this if you're raised by a BPD mother, check the subreddit for that and work on getting better. Do not tolerate abuse
I can relate. It hurts. I'm sorry you suffer with this as well. 💔
⚘⚘🌷Good for you
"the daughter didn't side with the mother" hit the hardest. I always have to express my support of her side of things even when I know she's wrong or else she will refuse to continue the conversation and get mad at me. I'm 25 and thankful to not live with her anymore.
Same!
My mother didn’t come to my baby shower for my first (also her first grandchild) because weeks before, I hadn’t defended her in an argument with my husband of the time. And even though he’s my ex now and turned out to be an idiot, he was in the right in that argument.
Y E S! Mine always accuses me of siding with my dad simply because I don't agree with her behavior towards him.
Honey, please get as far away as you can and heal yourself! You matter even if you didn’t get that message. I wish I’d left at 25. Instead I left at 38. Best decision ever. We can always have empathy but we don’t need to be involved in the crazy dance. I never comment but was drawn to tonight for some reason. Best wishes ❤
My mother was bipolar. I’m borderline. My brother is schizophrenia. My sister was - I think - bipolar. Moral of the “story”: sick parents makes sick children regardless of diagnosis if the environment if unhealthy. I think a lot of it is due to violation of the child’s boundaries.
People with BPD often get a bipolar diagnosis, so there may be a chance that mom and sister are actually BPD and not bipolar. Also, they could have comorbid diagnoses. Here's a vid Dr. Grande did on the differences between the two: ruclips.net/video/dU1oRnWkRp0/видео.html
My mother was definitely bipolar - I watched the wild mania and the devastating depressions. But off course this doesn’t exclude a co morbid bpd illness but I’m 53 and when my mother was young there was not focus and knowledge of bpd like today.
NKN112011 that’s true. Bipolar is more easily identified seen from outside what with the mania and depression whereas bpd might be more “silent” and more in the background. I will never know though since they’re dead.
@@cathrine1151my BPD diagnosis came years before the bipolar diagnosis
please don't have kids
I can confirm for me because she told me: In extreme cases, the child is used to fill the void of the alienating parent's emotional life.
This is my life. Also makes sense because mother's mother clearly displayed narcissistic tendencies.
OMG you just explained my whole childhood. Whenever my NPD dad was in devaluation phase with my mom she would accuse me of doing what my dad was actually doing and explode in psychotic rage. It was confusing, terrifying and completely disorienting because it was so irrational and unfair.
Same! NPD dad and BPD mom. It's strangely reassuring to see someone else with this toxic combo ;)
Oh geez I’m so sorry.
Ditto! I’m so sorry but relieved that I am not the only one dealing with this. I literally feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone when speaking to my mother or entering her house! And a dad that is definitely NPD! What a bad combo
I have a dad with npd and a mum with bpd too (☉｡☉)!
We living it up ladies and gents
Me too!! It was so confusing
Its really sad when a parent lacks emotional maturity. It really robs the family unit the opportunity to
Grow closer and bond. Leaving a void in family body that grows in hunger for this needed connections. Thanks dr grande for what you do.
I have not spoken to my mother in over a year....most people cannot understand why I chose to remove myself and my son from my mothers life...spent my whole life trying to understand my mothers behavior toward me.... I understand now.
Joyce Marie
I understand.
I totally get it! Big thumbs up to you on this !👍👍👍
Same here. I cut ties a year ago. Lif3 has been more peaceful. Whenever I try to fix the relationship she constantly blames me and then says I dont care about her etc. Its such a draining vicious cycle.
I almost kicked my mother out of my home today. It was horrible. But i told her I won’t put up with that behavior. It was a circular argument as always and then it turns out I’m disrespectful and I should just be quiet and not “talk back” for once. I didn’t curse or insult not once. She was being petty towards my 7 yo old son which is what made me angry at the end.
@@laflor6854 it’s interesting how we don’t have the courage to defend ourselves but the lion comes out when she messes with our kids.
Many borderline moms aren't open to therapy. It's best for the daughter to just seek her own healing.
"Inaccurate Empathy." I am an AMFT/School Counselor, and I suffer from having a BPD mother. Every symptom/behavior you mentioned describes my relationship with her. It is painful and causes anxiety. Thank you for this video; exposure is helpful.
This is so accurate. I used to always wonder why my mom acted so emotional when I was child (mostly sad and angry). The endless boyfriends, the unending interest in the men coming in and out of our lives and homes, the asking me for emotional support when I was a child, the walking on eggshells, the many homes, the many jobs shed get, lots of drama, lots of impulsivity, lots of circular arguments, lots of mean words and insults but then lots of affection that made me feel guilt for ever even THINKING about getting mad at her.. I was extremely quiet as a child and my mindset was to always put her emotions first because I didn’t want her to get angry or sad. I catered to her emotions while growing up, and now as an adult woman, I won’t take it anymore. For example, I wouldn’t even dare to ask if she’d join an event because I knew she’d be tired from work and it would be an angry response, I just knew to be quiet and go along with her mood. But she claims I’m disrespectful and that there’s always been something “missing” between us...but how do I confront her about all this...or the better question is...should I confront her? Her circular reasoning is unending.
I promise you will make it through.
I'm leaning towards the don't confront in my own life at this point. Maybe trying out the grey rock technique for narcissists.
You can confront her but it will bring a terrible response so know what you’re getting into. She will NEVER admit her bad behavior so why face all the bs?
Wow. This is bringing so much clarity. Growing up, my mom would say things to me like “it’s more like you are my mom!” I was placed into a role of caretaking, having to be the strength for my mom’s mental illness. In adulthood, she dumps everything on me - ESP her marital problems with my dad. I told her literally dozens of times to please not do this, but she won’t stop. She uses anything as ammo; she gets angry and says things under her breath if my dad tells me a story and doesn’t tell her, for instance. She will message me in all caps- telling me she is IN DESPAIR, but refuses to seek any mental health counseling. It’s getting worse and worse, and I can hardly even have a relationship with my dad because she will use it to say “i’m on his side” and justify her victim complex (everyone is so mean to her). I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m starting to feel like she actually resents me.
This.. hits so close to home it's scary. Growing up with a borderline (and bipolar!) mother was one hell of a rollercoaster ride.
This but she’s also going through menopause during your formative years
My mom is almost 70 and has been single for at least 12 years. She lives with me. My life is an unending ride through Hell aboard the crazy train.
Why doesn't she have her own place at 70??
Borderlines can rarely work anywhere for long. They start fights and disrupt work life, threaten, and oppose everyone @@Kathrynlove
Same 😔
It is so helpful for me to watch videos like this one when my mother and I are on good terms because I think sometimes I find it easier to pretend during those times that our relationship is entirely normal. In reality, she ticks all of these boxes and we have gone through many, many rough patches. Things like this are a healthy reminder to set and maintain boundaries even when things are somewhat smooth between us.
My mother ticks all of these characteristics. This video gave me relief and helped me to understand better. In my own experience, I learned very quickly not to give my opinion on ANYTHING. Survival strategy. No matter how much she asked, I always agreed with her or would not answer, if I could get away with it. My mother has total inaccurate empathy, zero cognitive empathy.
My mother was a quiet BL.
I am also BL. My relationship with my mom wasn't negative... but quite the opposite. We were very close. So when my sister & I lost her quickly to cancer... it sent me spiraling down into an abyss.
It was almost 3 yrs. later, I was diagnosed with BPD as well as PTSD.
I know the bond that was so strong, ended up becoming my prison, & my memories of her a torture to be repeated over & over again.
I know our relationship was obviously enmeshed.
It just didn't take me down until she was gone.
The pain never seems to go... I flood with emotions & I literally feel her loss again as if it just happened.
I miss her more than life. She was a wonderful mom... & a amazing person. She was just dealt a shitty hand in life.... in turn... never really lived.
My grandma was a covert narcissist for sure...
I would love to see one on a BL MOTHER & DAUGHTER ENMESHED RELATIONSHIP.
I see so much on the bad side of BL. Mom's... granted mine wasn't perfect, but my mama loved us more than life itself.
Thanks Dr. Grande!
I've watched you for years! 😊
So sorry for your loss! Some people with bpd are the most passionate loving people in existence. I bet she loved you very Much! Let yourself grieve. It doesn't matter how long it takes. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm so fed up with always seeing bad traits of BPD and never the good traits that also go with this type of personality. Parents with BPD can be so much loving towards their children, and have a lot of nice traits besides the bad ones. They just must be reassured about how much they are loved and understood. They can give you a lot. On the contrary to Narcissistic parents who really can be so cold and without any emotions and feelings towards their children. They never give you nothing because they only care about themselves alone. I think NPD is much more destroying. As parents they can ruin your life forever, you can go and see psychiatrists for many years without recovering.
This is my life, I’m exhausted. My mom is so clingy, depending on me for everything!!
The BPD and narcissist traits with the mothers confuse me since they appear so similar. Thank you, Dr Grande. 👍🌹
This may explain my mother-n-law's issues.
One big giveaway is whether the mother tends to have emotional or cognitive empathy. A narcissistic mother is low in emotional empathy while a mother with strong BPD traits generally got a strong emotional empathy. They are
a mirror image of that when it comes to cognitive empathy. The BPD mother might misinterpret a response from her daughter and act in an inappropriate way due to misjudging what her daughter is actually feeling. This is a classical example of the road to hell being paved with good intentions. The narcissistic mother may have a much better cognitive understanding of what her daughter is experiencing, but lacking the ability to emotionally express it in an appropriate manner which is helpful.
@@naturallyme7231 actually things are even more confusing with my own mother..she reacts sometimes in one way, as if she she doesn't understand but in weird emotional expression & sometimes like she knows what someone is going through, but (maliciously) withholds any support. and in majority of cases I had a problem, she went into disturbing rage episodes.. I personally 've come to the conclusion that borderline equals a covert narcissist most of the time. These are very fluid & intangible matters to draw broad lines bettwin disordered people.. You feel devastated, broken, suicidal, drained from any will to live? Your a victim of narcissistic - borderline abuse.. call it however u want, the impact is the same... 😢
This explains so much of my childhood. I remember the first time my mother told me about my dad being unfaithful and being found in a bedroom with a neighbour…. I was 7. Not appropriate Mum! I could never show emotion even when I was really sad, I was either slapped or told off for being ‘too sensitive and stupid’ and sent to my room. This is the tip of the iceberg. I learned from my mother how NOT to mother. Thank goodness my relationship with my beautiful daughter is very different ❤
This is my mother hands down. Every last one of them.
I hear you :(
Yup!
me too :/
Also when you said that the times when the mother is single is the best time for the mother-daughter relationship speaks to me on such a deep level. Growing up, when my mom was single, those were literally the best times of my life. She would pay so much attention to me and we would always be hanging out and we felt so close, but then she would either choose a partner or go back to a partner who didn't like me. I never understood how a mother would choose to be with a partner who doesn't like their child. By not like, I mean that several of her partners would get mad at her if she would try to hang out with me on the weekends or spend time alone with me. This is still an issue for us.
I'd be really interested in a discussion between the differences/similarities between BPD and C-PTSD, especially when it comes to a mother-daughter relationship. Thanks :)
I never really thought about the connection between those 2. Thanks for the reason to not clean and scour the internet!💙💙💙
Dr. Grande has a video on the differences between the two. As someone with CPTSD, I get very sensitive about any suggestions that they are similar and/or should be lumped together in the DSM. Having a BPD mother and sister I'm very familiar with BPD traits and I can appreciate how they may appear similar. But once you look under the hood, you'll see a completely assembly.
@@OnsceneDC I have the exact same diagnoses with family members, plus BP, on both my family and my in law side. Lol. And I'm the only 1 trying to get healthier. Not surprisingly, I have some of the same diagnoses as you, plus a few extra, and man, it is NOT easy. We got this!💙
Oh yes, very interested too! As a daughter diagnosed with BPD of a mother suffering with complex PTSD. Have a nice weekend y'all!
I think BPD starts later on in life and has more to do with several traumatic events in late childhood/early adulthood. I could be wrong but that is what I understood when I got my diagnosis.
I had a co-dependent relationship with a friend for about 6 years. She went to get counseling only at the end of our relationship, when I was trying to slowly back out of it. She was diagnosed with BPD, while I had been thinking for years that she had NPD. I know the vulnerable narcissist looks pretty much like someone with bordeline traits so i guess I wasn't too far from the truth. Anyway, the level of toxicity in these relationships can go of the charts, and when you try to get answers and insight on that subject, you can't always relate to the 'practical examples' and anecdotes from others ; there's a lot of videos out there about romantic/marrital relationships with people with those traits but this one, Daughter-in-law + Mother-in-law is one of the closest to what I have personnally gone through with that type. Thank you for sharing your insight like that!
I can't believe you just described my mom 1000%.
How can I as a daughter cope with those behaviors? She makes me feel so responsible for everything that is wrong or not perfect in her life. I am 21 and so broken, I can't get myself out of this toxic relationship but something really needs to change. Any tips or experiences????? Seems like I am twice as ill as she is just from growing up with her.
@@kevinhornbuckle I see my psychologist once a week for yeaaaars now and last summer I was in a clinic so yes fortunately I'm getting help it is just very hard and I thought maybe there are some other options that are focused on this exact topic :)
Glad you are getting help. There are a few books out there (and probably numerous articles online) about dealing with someone with BPD. My mother has it and sometimes I wish I had cut off contact with her. I wanted to "do the right thing" but now I am 51 and she is 83 and she is still a burden and manipulative although she is actually much better now than when I was growing up. Best wishes to you. Don't let others guilt you if you have to end the relationship
This makes so much sense. My mother was so attached and dependent with me until I cut her off for a year (kind of, still paying some bills and seeing her but very rarely as opposed to how it was growing up) to get some pressure taken off and ever since it’s almost impossible to see her. She almost never ever wants to see me and it’s so painful. I left because she was hurting me and now our bond is completely broken, permanently, even when I need her most. It feels as though I don’t have a mother anymore but an awkward friend. This whole video is my childhood.
Holy… after 38 long years of a tumultuous, abusive, unstable life/relationship with my mom, it FINALLY makes sense! She has BPD!!! I was to blame for everything with and for her behavior. The constant “games” she seemed to play. Unable to be there for me in anyway. Even with school. The very, overtly obvious and severe favoritism of her doing the complete opposite of what and how she treated me with my brother. My brother got everything and was idolized and I was the monster that she also couldn’t let go of and depended on. This constant love you/hate you relationship. It was devastating and severely toxic and exhausting.
Accusing me of the most heinous crimes with her many many boyfriends and multiple husbands when I was a child/teenager. Me being the Mom and stable one. Her reckless behavior. These “patterns” that I noticed when I was in my teens and especially in my 20’s. I could sense when shit was about to hit the fan and life was going to be really rough and unstable. Her unwillingness to support me in anything I’d like to pursue. Her constant insecurity and negative outlook with other people and especially other women. People not staying her friends for very long. Her inability to get along with others at work very well. Her hot and cold love/heart/emotions. Me having to raise my brother, her and myself. She did always keep the same roof over our head after my dad and her divorced and she was always bringing in good money. It’s just the companies she worked for switched often and people didn’t seem to like her. My world feeling like it was constantly flipped upside down and a yo-yo simultaneously as a child and as an adult with her. My life and world revolved around her and having to constantly walk on eggshells around her. Her suicidal behaviors at times. Her chain smoking. My self esteem was all but gone because I was just the worst daughter/person ever and I believed this. The cops were frequent visitors at our home. But she blamed me for everything. Her mean-spirited, manipulative behavior towards me.
I cut her off completely in 2013 and moved out of the state, couldn’t take it anymore. I was able to seek help and recover from her [BPD] abuse. I finally was able to realize that it was never my fault, I wasn’t the “bad one”, I wasn’t the one who caused all these issues and insanity. And I’m not messed up! Never was, SHE IS! I do suffer from CPTSD because of her BPD and narcissistic personality disorder. I also suffer from physical illnesses that I truly believe are a result of my body reaction from the abuse. I have on top of that Hypermobile Ehlors-Danlos Syndrome. When I was kid, I got sick and was in pain quite often and my Mom was never sympathetic nor there for me. I only found out last year I have this genetic disease. Explains a lot. She always accused me of seeking attention and faking it. Thank God I had both my grandparents that believed me and gave me a break at times.
Decades of this horrific type of trauma will have a significant impact on any one’s health. Her severe alcoholism only made things a million times worse! I’m in a very, happy and healthy marriage these past 7 years. Finally feeling stability for the first time in my life since meeting my husband. It’s made all the difference. I went through intense therapy of many kinds the first several years once I cut her off. I still have flashbacks and nightmares. But it’s improved significantly.
I’m 38 and currently 16 weeks pregnant with both our 1st child. My daughter will never, ever know my Mom. Ever. Jesus is the ONLY one that has helped me through this horrific pain and life. If it wasn’t for His love, mercy and kindness, I wouldn’t be here today. He was the only constant, stability I could reach for. Especially as a child. He was my Father and Mother. He led me out and away from that toxic life that was killing me. My life is His.💞🌈💞
Wow, it's so great to get this kind of validation, even if decades after the crazy making happened. I was my mother's confidante on relationship and sex issues from my early adolescence. After she kicked out my father of a 20 year marriage she was out on the town, reliving a second adolescence.
She had two concurrent boyfriends, asked me back then: "Which one shall I choose?" She offered no practical guidance on protection however or anything that would have really helped me in relationships. If her advice weren't outright destructive, it was still worthless.
Thank you Dr. Grande! I have been waiting for this one!!!
Great video, as always.
You know you have a borderline mother when you tell her you went to see a counselor (for the first time ever) at the university health clinic and she calls them to let them know that any bad things you might have said about her are not true!
You know you have a borderline mother when she tries to stop you from leaving by threatening to slash her wrists with a butcher knife.
It's gets a whole lot worse than just them trying to drag you into their dysfunctional relationships and rescue them after they have alienated everyone.
😢😢
I can totally relate to the comment about counselor. I’m so sorry.
I'll add one- you know you have a borderline mother when psychotic fits rage, screaming & verbal abuse are commonplace events. And then afterwards they act like nothing happened.
It is so profoundly hurtful & damaging to children to have to grow up with a parent like this.
i know this comment is from a year ago, but I'm currently dealing with the same thing. Because of the pandemic, I tried online counseling and I am so scared if my mother finds out, bc there's a huge possibility she would lash out on me for badmouthing her.
On one of her episode, she threatened to go outside naked, which i prevented by taking away the front door key. She then proceeded to grab a knife and waved it around, and then threatened that she cut her wrist. I was 18 then, 20 now. Nothing has changed. I don't see a future with her. But there's a relief in seeing that i am not alone in this..
I can’t believe how accurately this describes my situation. Thank you!
Ughhh, painful to hear this cause it's so spot on. Except in my mom's case these are friendships that she's mishandling rather than romantic relationships. All of therapists I have had think bpd might be my moms problem. As much as I want to save myself from the stress, I also dream of her having a comfortable life, but she almost feels there is some dignity in surviving a miserable life where everyone is "jealous" of her.☹️
Dr. Grande this was no doubt one of your best videos. A little complicated, but I viewed it twice. Thank you for this upload.
This applies to Mothers and sons as well. My stepson/ child we had custody of off and on for 97% of his life that is now almost 19 and lives with me these days, has gone through all of these things and continues to. Yesterday, Mother's Day here in America, he was reduced to a puddle of tears, guilt, humiliation, depression and even feelings of insecurty towards the absolutely LOVING partner he has. Watching my son suffer breaks my heart. As I have read from many children raised by mothers with BPD, he still loves and adores his mother and is constantly made to feel like his love isn't true or valid if he doesn't ONLY love her and/or let his life be fully controlled by her. The amount of unstable relationships and men she has done the things described to him with are innumerable.
I love my mom and she’s very understanding and is trying her best, she sent this video and is very self aware and is working on things
The independent vs dependent distinctions are very helpful! Thank you Dr. Grande for your devoted and informed work! 👏👏
My mother has BPD but those 10 signs don't describe our relationship too well. I do cut her off sometimes, for couple of years. So do my siblings. So that was correct, but the emotions are extremely high at those times - too bad we can't report our mother for stalking as she doesn't break into our homes if we don't let her in ... It's so weird - our relationship is horrible and she is still determined to have it! It's ... I don't know ... weird!
Sex and relationship talks are one of the few that cause me no mental harm and are interesting, too. Best talks!
The last one - wrong emotional response. It's not that she laughs when I tell her my problems. It's just she tries to say she understands but when she describes what I said, she gets me absolutely wrong, I don't like the way she guesses me to think and I really get horrified how weird she makes me sound like. She assumes me to have motives and feelings I don't have at all, at the same time she seems to be caring and compassionate and ... it looks that she tries very hard. But the way she imagines me to think is horrible, horrible, so infantile and selfish, ewwwww. Yakk. And I calm down when I'm away but she remains hysterical and tries to "mend the relationship" although talking was what ruined it. I think we should communicate in a bigger company, not just two of us, there should be no "heart-to-heart" talks with her. God knows where her heart is.
So the daughter is pretty much emotionally abandoned and/or used as a scape goat?
Bingo!
Yes. And that is me.
They are both their emotional battery to feel like a good mother, and a scapegoat to dump all her wrath in
My mom was with someone who beat her. I use to try to throw myself between them to break up the fight. Once when I was about 3-4 I went catotonic in the corner and didn't help her, she held that against me for the rest of my life. She never once thought about the stress she was putting her kid into that went lifeless from watching so much fighting, screaming and violence.
Somehow at 3-4yrs I was supposed to be able to keep my composure and save her.
I am sorry she made you go through that :(
I second the comment down a few about mother/son next please!!!!
Thank you again for another awesomely informative vid!
💙💙💙
My mother was a nightmare. She was devastating to everyone around her and every moment of her children’s and the family’s life was ruled by her moods. I still loved her she was who I had to love. She was always dying or going to kill herself and she lived until 89 and now she is dead and gone I am very relieved in so many ways. Parents with this disorder do massive damage to everyone around them while convincing everyone that they are the ones being victimised. I have compassion for them and think they are despicable. Both things can be true.
I am only now able to feel and process all the anger I had to tamp down around her.
I feel the same! My mother is still alive and young though. My mother is always “dying” or listening a new illness she thinks she has. I don’t understand why she does that. It’s hard to deal with the anger and frustration.
Thank you! After watching this, I think my Mom may have more Histrionic traits than Borderline -- does the inaccuracy in empathic response occur there, too? I do not turn to my Mom for comfort because all topics lead back to her. She wants to help but I exhaust myself just trying to express myself because I end up having to clear away *her* assumptions about how *she* would feel about my situation before she can actually hear me.
Thank You. Exquisitely formulated.
From my experience with ppl with Hist D. is they dont have any/much empathy. At least towards me. But I've become the scapegoat so it could have something to do with that.
@@Ginabina76 sorry to hear that 😯 With my Mom, I can't imagine she'd be diagnosed with a full-blown personality disorder but maybe some traits. Btw, I point out to her that all roads lead to her, she agrees & we usually laugh about it. I'm 57 & she's 84, so I don't think she's changing. I need to get counseling for myself.
I have BPD with histrionic traits and have too much empathy! I also have EUT which I think is the reason for this.
@@JansViews I am not familiar with EUT?
I think my Mum and sister both have borderline. They both go from really nice to me to down right horrible, my whole life. They would gang up on.
I think my mother is narc
she been all babied and overprotective in childhood and she raised younger golden daughter but I was always escape goat
Wow! This video basically described my life! Although it is sad that other people experience these behaviors from their mothers too, it is a relief that the condition has a name.
Dr. Grande, I'm six minutes in and I'm fully convinced you've been following my mother and I. ;) I must say, so far you're spot on. Just add a lil dementia to the mix and I'd say you'd then be exact.
Empathy from my mother always results in a flip of the script in which it somehow goes back to HER pain, HER experiences, HER.
This [who she is] will never change therefore I no longer allow to become her "prey". I forgave in order to truly love me without condition. For the most part she is an example of what not to do as well as what to do, although they do not share equal roles.
I have always been an ideal of what her mind believes I am but never who I actually am. This statement is not as sad for me as it is for her. However, learning to empathisize without falling into her traps has at times proven to be an arduous road to travel yet it's important for me to keep in mind who I'm on the road with so that I avoid said traps.
She's almost 71 at this stage of the game and is within the beginning stages of dementia. I hold no ill will toward her. Nor do I want to see her suffer. Yet simultaneously I do not want to suffer along with her as "misery loves company" and she makes herself suffer as she always has ever since I've known her. Therefore distance is inevitable and necessary in order for both my child and I to expand and share our positivities with a world that has long awaited us as much as we've awaited it.
Thank you for your words and your videos. They are truly wonderful.
:)
The way Christina Crawford described Joan Crawford is just the way I would describe my mother.
Yes! She's always having strongly emotional responses, so much so that she has to interrupt me she's so empassioned, but instead of reacting to what I said she picks a few words out which seem to trigger some kind of record that plays that she reacts to. It's so frustrating.
Intact emotional empathy and a deficit in cognitive empathy. Wow, yes! This made an adult relationship with a narcissist incredibly confusing as the inverse-someone who had cognitive empathy but anemic emotional empathy.
I have bpd and I think I am a really good mother. I put my kids 1st in everything and really try to make strong relationships with my children. I do have strong emotions and get upset when I don't want to but I watch these videos so I can be better. I am trying so hard. I know that I am doing the best I can. It is what it is.
Been struggling since I was 4. I'm 53. I'm the daughter..thank you for validation. I'm now that Mother's caregiver. I spend my days ducking and dodging, and some days go home absolutely drained. After my step father passed away two weeks ago she's begun having some paranoia involving my thinking. Sadly she misses the mark. I'm so concerned. She would never seek counseling.
Dr. Grande- I, and I think many of your other followers, have found these vignettes of family dynamics with Cluster Bs to be very illustrative. I am wondering if you are able to take it one step further and talk about the family unit in these scenarios. More specifically, I've noticed from my own personal experience, as well as those with other Cluster B disordered parents, that the children take on the role of the scapegoat, golden child, forgotten child, etc. A video introducing these general dynamics as well as talking about how they may be the same/overlap with different disorders would be useful. My experience is mainly with BPD, so I'm not sure if it applies in the same way to other Cluster B parents, but I'm sure there are a lot of similarities. Thanks for all of your outreach on this topic. I think it's helped a lot of adults understand their "unique" upbringing and "strange" relationships they have with their parents as grown ups.
Dr. Ramani has several videos addressing this specific issue, look her up, she is great!
Aww, I love the education, encouragement and answer back at me. Take care, thanks again and you're welcome.
I'm addicted to this series!
I was literally forced out to leave home at an early age because of mental issues in my family, both in mother and father. I came back 25 years later after my father died and mother in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. There was massive hoarding throughout their lives, specially towards the end and the house in complete disrepair. I'm living in and rebuilding their home now, but 30 years of neglect is going to cost a lot.
OH MY GOSH!! Well I have borderline mother. I’m 32 and now fighting out that it’s an actual disorder. Haven’t had a relationship with my mother. This speaks deeply to me. I have continuous problems with her. Now that I’m older they just get worse and bigger. I’m at the moment going threw court hearings with her. It’s extremely draining!!! Dr. Grande would you be willing to help me? I’ve been looking for help with her for years!!! I have four children of my own and she’s constantly trying to kill me in my dreams. Please help.
Dr. Grande, how about a video of;
"The Theory of Mind (ToM) and Personality Disorders"?
Thanks doc 😃🇳🇱
I read alot of your stories and it's so heart breaking. I am a mother with a husband who has bpd in therapy and meds and no drugs or alchool and I must say I'm so sorry many of you never even got a appology from your parents. It's been rocky with my husband but since he's always been sober and taking meds and trying to go in therapy and now recently trying to combine therapies for the health of our family I realize how fortunate although we had our problems I have a very happy and healthy 8 year old girl. Although I understand what the Dr. is talking about because my friend married his now ex-wife and adopted her two kids and had one with her and the oldest daughter after so much abuse from the wife (to which he learned about a while after it happen (fair since he wasn't present for the first 10yrs of her life)) now at 16 has bpd herself and it's terrible ! Yet, his own daughter is like mine pretty neurotypical and joyous child and so is his 11 yrs old son. So, so much I think is due to the environnement and abuse. Good luck on the path of healing!!
My mother shows bpd, but I think npd traits also. My mom did, when she was younger share her romantic relationships with us daughters....it felt like boundary issues. She did totally rely on me to be her friend, person to do things with and would get very upset if i said no so i felt it wasnt worth it and just did whatever she wanted. She really leaned on me. I had a lot of guilt. She used to take her anger out on my husband and one if my sons. My sister and I don't ever remember her having empathy or saying she was sorry. It was so aggravating how my mom would idealize every relationship, friends too, then devalue them so we had to act excited about her new friends and listen to her stories of how great these people are, meet them, not question anything. Knowing full well she would hate them soon. Yes, so weird she would laugh and still does if you tell her there is something that hurt or upset you. Lastly, my mom never complimented any of us on our appearance, never gave any direction for our futures. She did laugh at any dreams we had of our own futures.
1:30. Yes! My mom did this to me ALL the time! Oftentimes I felt like I was her mom esp whennit came to my dad and later her bfs
Wow that's so accurate... My mum has BPD and my stepfather is a pathological psychopath... Thank God I'm an adult now and can recover from the cptsd that resulted from a childhood with both toxic to the core...
Can you please do DBT/DBT tips etc? people dont want to be like this and DBT is still unavailable in MANY places. Thankyou ❤
That's so true. I have been denied DBT as I have had CBT in the past. So my BPD treatment has to be paid for and I do not have the funds for it. It's quite literally ....madness!!
sarah vand
psychwire.com/linehan
It's a bit pricey but well worth the overall investment.
Gazing Sun That course is for practitioners, not clients.
It looks like Better Help and Good Therapy should have DBT therapists.
I didn’t see a reference list of DBT-qualified therapists on the Linehan site, but you can ask.
Strange that having CBT, which is pretty common, is a blocker for another, more relevant approach.
Udemy is offering a short DBT self-learn program, geared to the general public. It could be worth it to try out the concept and get a sense of how the full treatment could be. It’s on sale now, and Udemy frequently has sales.
I guess it was an inauspicious sign that my ex-wife's favorite song before we got married was Madonna's "Borderline" ...
The years following my dad’s passing was a golden age with my mom. But once my brother got divorced she soon started preferring spending time with him. And I began to realize he is her favorite and not me. Ideally there would be no favorites, but if there is one, it’s him.
Same, when mom is alone it’s our golden age, I remember she always put her ex husbands, stepsons, sister etc first when they were around, that feeling of being left aside/abandoned growing up sucked
I cut my mother off 3 years ago. Its like I can see the world clearly now.
Everything makes sense and I can understand whats right behaviour towards a human and which is bad.
Bad treatment by bad parenting can affect your adult life so bad...
Omg I’m wondering if I am borderline. I really believe my mom is, after watching his videos 😱🥺 But I don’t fear my children leaving me, I want them to flourish, to thrive and not be miserable like I’ve been. I do over share with my children tho. I’ll have to work on that.
Amazing as usual! Dr. Grande, have you ever heard of onision? He's a youtuber who's being investigated for predatory behaviour and grooming. He claims he's borderliner (self diagnosed) but a lot of people speculate he's a narc. It would be very interesting if you analyzed him!
Great idea!👍
I've watched all of your videos & I've learned so much from you Dr. Grande. You have a gentle way of speaking to your audience & you also explain everything so that each viewer from all parts of society can really understand what you are teaching us about. I have been trying for most of my adult life to better understand my mother because she is definitely severely mentally ill however refuses to get help or even admit to it & progressively gets worse. The problem is that her symptoms are extremely severe symptoms & dangerous symptoms but they are a little of this personality disorder & a little of that personality disorder & so on & so on...I've been desperately trying to find someone I can give some information about her to who can just give me a rough idea of the direction I should be looking in as to how to deal with someone who has whatever it is she has but I don't know what she has I'm just asking if you or if you know of anyone who would be willing to take some information about her & maybe give me an opinion? Anything would be appreciated. If not I still highly respect you & love your vidoes🙂
I can relate to half of the things talked about in this video. My relationship started going downhill with my mother when I posted a picture of her dogs on Facebook. I will take the responsibility of posting a bad picture (not on purpose) I really didn't think it through before I posted it, I just thought it was a cute picture but I did take it down after I found out my mom was mad about it. The dogs had chewed something up and my mom was embarrassed of the mess. But instead of her going off on me just about the picture, she starts going into other way more personal things like why no one in my family calls me. She claimed that I was overly sensitive and that's why no one would talk to me. When I asked her in what ways I was overly sensitive and who had said that about me, she told me to just ask my siblings. Again I asked her to give me examples, she would not give me any examples. After our argument a switch flipped inside of me and I no longer felt the same way about my mother. I felt like she hated me, I felt like things had been being said behind my back for a long time and I never had a clue about it. Even though we made up later, I still don't trust her. I feel like our relationship is fake and I am the black sheep. She will give signs that she's not really interested in having a relationship with me. She puts my other siblings on a pedestal even though they treat her like garbage. No matter what I do, or how much I try to treat her good it's never enough. She'll still say questionable things to me and act weird around me. Whenever she tells me about some terrible thing my brother did to her, I'll take her side and agree with her that what he did was terrible. But then She'll turn around and start defending him and make it seem like I'm overly critical of him. She's done that to me with more than one person. I remember one time she was talking to me on the phone and my step dad text me from his job asking me if I had heard from my mom, and that he hadn't been able to get a hold of her. So I said I'm actually on the phone with her right now, let me tell her that you're trying to get a hold of her. When I told her about our conversation she literally when ape sh** on me! She was yelling at me so loud that my husband could hear her. She was freaking out because she had been avoiding his calls because she was mad at him. I had no idea that she was purposely avoiding his calls, I just assumed he might not be getting through to her because he was in another state and the signal might be bad. When I tried to calm her down it made her even more irate, eventually I just hung up. I have gone back and forth in my head trying to decide if I want a relationship with her anymore. She makes me feel like sh** about myself when I'm around her and I feel like I'm not really part of the family. It's a sad situation to be in.
Mines the same way. I've been through alot because or her, like I had been homeless for almost a year at 18 then 19. Then ran into the worst things u can out there only to come back from being damn near dead to have her make excuses for the people who hurt me. And bitch will get mad at me for defending myself too. Yea these aren't people, I rather be raised by dogs not exist all together 💁
I don’t think therapy together will help. If a parent can act normal in public, what’s the point of having a mediator in a therapist’s office? All she’s going to do is perform for the therapist and then when there’s no more therapist, she’s going to take off that mask. If I only get performed respect when there’s a third party present, then I don’t want a relationship with this parent.
Jeez I was only 3 minutes in and yep that's it. This has been my whole life. I'm 38 and finally picking up the pieces in my life with a good therapist who's teaching me EMDR. Thankfully it's helping, but it's an absolute hell to grow up with a single BPD mother. It messes up your entire life. Just wrecks you.
A borderline or with tendencies- single mother with a young daughter say
Thanks very much for making such informative, interesting, and intriguing videos.
My marriage with my wife is having problems with mother in law…. Wife never knew her mom has BPD…. Explaining it to her helped her perspective
Profoundly validating. Thank you.
Dr. Grande. I love your thoughts on different personality types in film and TV. I just watched the first season of a Netflix show called "You" . The main Character Joe is very complex, likeable, and crafty. He is very charming on the outside, but I cannot figure out the cluster he belongs too. What I like about the show, is we hear his thoughts, while he is doing what appears to be insane. To be honest there are so many personality types in this show it could become overwhelming to pick out all the moving parts. If you haven't see it , it may be difficult , as busy as you are, to watch 10 episodes but I'd be very interested on your take.
I lived this too. My heart goes out to you people who have been there.
My mother accused me of having sex with my father at a young age while she was molesting me. She also drove around pointing out the houses where she had affairs. I wasn't even in school yet. She became very controlling and regularly told me she hated me and she could kill me. She never self harmed though. I keep trying to find some reason for the way she behaved to make it easier to love her.
Do boarderline mothers mock and mimic your voice and actions when in an argument? Do they say things like "No one wants you" call you names like "B*tch" and "A**hole" and shame/degrade you sexually and try to lower your self esteem in arguments? Do they decide either your best friends or they threaten to cut you off and never speak to you again. Threaten to throw you out on the street, and tell you things like "I don't want a relationship with you" "I don't need you in my life" but then a few hours later, crack jokes, giggle and act like nothing happened? Does she switch from happy to angry to happy to suicidal...all in one day. Does she scream for hours and act like she's going to hit you. Wide eyed. Aggressive. Then all of a sudden. She's fine. Nothing happened. It's a great day, and your loved again.
Yep
I’m pretty sure I developed BPD (diagnosed) from living with my Bipolar (diagnosed) mother. Just today we had an argument because she constantly overshares things that make me want to wash my brain, even after I ask her to respect my boundaries. I love her, but I’ll never be the best friend she’s looking for… I feel guilty, but, for my own sanity I am unable to carry that weight for her.
This was a very interesting video. Thank you for sharing!
We where a family of 4. Father, mother(BTD), 1st sister, and me. Having grown up with a mother with BPD made me feel broken for a very long time. Nou i feel totally cut off from her. I have fallen into depression because of her. Im not sure how to put up boundaries. A want to tell her how i feel but now i know that she wouldn't understand me at all. I feel for now in my life, im cutting ALL contact with her.....
Thank you so nuch for this info dr Grande.
Given the state of society, could you make more videos on a mother-son context?
#9 big time. My sister and I married brothers. For 40 years they have not kept their mother in line. Now that she's driven both me and my sister away she has her sons all to herself when they visit, which is less and less. They won't be able to listen to her insult their wives and kids much longer. Hope she's happy, she got what she wanted.
Could you please do a video on borderline fathers, borderline father-child relationships, and coparenting with a borderline parent? I love your content and find it very interesting and useful in better understanding people struggling with MH.
You just have been watching mine and my sisters life…this is what we have had to go through. I live in another town from my mother and she hates it, she treats me like an extension of herself or a carer not a person. And god forbid you confront her on her horrid and sickening behaviour you’ll get abuse from her and her enabling older sister branding you a drama queen…
My mother sometime become two cruel and sometimes she becomes too sweet ,she is pointing everything on me and sometimes I want to just leave my home it feels suffocating
Well as a mother/son and grandmother/grandson case, my therapist termed grandma (who was mom) as a waif type, and my actual mom as a queen type. All of these dynamics that are turned around to the child, surviving and trying to manage crazy acting out and heavy substance use. False blame not letting anything go, and being parinoid, no way to convince them that you are definately not doing what they are attacking you on ... Im in DBT nearly a year, it really works.
Every time I talk about something that’s been bothering me and expect to see empathy from my mom she’ll instead start talking about herself and her own experiences.
My mother wanted to put her .02 cents in when we went for marriage counselling sessions. I know she is a narc, now I'm beginning to wonder about this too. She wants to intervene and butt into everything.
Dang. My mom is similar to these, not exactly the same but very similar. The funny thing is she goes to therapist but Never has gone to one specializing in personality disorders. So frustrating. The lack of cognitive empathy was right on for her. She even gets explosive when you try to teach her cognitive empathy.
My mother once suggested when I was around 10 years old that my younger needy toddler-sibling have “an accident” and die just because she was crying and being needy. I cannot make this up.
i’ve heard that sort of thing from my mom before... you will have to forgive her to heal yourself. she couldn’t help herself... i’m sorry you went through that homie
It would’ve been more helpful to explain those behaviours by not relating them to the mothers relationships with said partner. A BPD mother presents these behaviours regardless of the context. All in all a really validating video. Also explaining the cognitive empathy was so so brilliant because people forget to mention that when talking about BPD.
Sign #4 "Imagined or overexaggerated rift" is so real to me. It's so weird though I wondered if I was the only one. Interesting it's a noticed pattern.
Hi I have watched several of your videos, using headphones On many, there is noise, which I think comes from fluorescent lighting. This particular video does not have that sound, and I notice this one seems to be using incandescent or led lighting. Please keep using this kind of lighting, because the high-pitched sound from the other lighting makes it hard to listen to the video. Thank you. The videos are interesting. You really make a lot of videos!
🦋Thank you Dr. good understanding on subjects people don’t discuss much. Peace thru understanding and acceptance can bring some joy 🕊
The following might sound a bit bizarre. My personal relationships are very calm, steady and long-lasting, but I have this borderline/splitting-type of love-hate-relationship towards academic psycholoy (for about 25 years now). Any explanations/ideas someone in the community has/can give me for that? Only serious ones, please. Thank you in advance for your thoughts/suggestions.
Omg this was my like from age 13 and up . I’m 34 . Had covid and my mother could not fake empathy but she can for other people. I am constantly evaluating this relationship.
I had my tonsils out @ age (23) yrs. When the Surgeon called my parents to tell them I was out of surgery, my mother told him to stop calling. She told him that he was a quack, I never needed my tonsils out at all, (my tonsils had split in 1/2 and were turning black). It took (6) months to get a window for the surgery, where I was not ill. She did not authorize the surgery beforehand and was planning to sue the surgeon for the harassment of him calling her, asking her to visit me in the hospital. After I developed a secondary infection, the surgeon came in to tell me that he would NOT call my parents any more. They were "too abusive towards him and he was in great fear, that they would abuse me further, via phone calls or visits." My parents never spoke to me again after I had this surgery.