The never ending testing and devaluation were the hardest for me. There is no worse feeling than knowing you put everything you had into a relationship that wasn't real.
had same thing in the summer of 2019 , i snapped and almost got arrested and started smoking , constant stress . i did everything for her and it was hell.
@@Laneganswake Take time for your self. read ,learn and focus on making your self happy and stronger. Don't beat yourself up looking for answers because there are none. there is no logic and rationality only moving forward. Stay strong brother.
My ex strongly exhibited all 9 symptom criteria. People that have not experienced this type of dynamic relationship truly do not understand the horror.
@@mrsvirginiamissouri My BDP ex would make my life hell if I didn't actively take her side in the unnecessary conflicts she created. That may have been the reason for his action. One time my ex got angry with me because I didn't punch her friend's husband in the face because he was teasing her. Everyone was laughing and having fun, but later she was furious with me. She nagged me for months about it. She literally wanted me to punch him in the face at a frozen yogurt shop in front of his children because he was he was lightly teasing her. My failure to do so indicated I wasn't "a real man."
My soon to-be ex wife too strongly exhibits all 9 symptoms and I've read about 5 articles and this. Every single word in every one nailed it. It really rose to the surface after our only child was born. Postpartum depression combo did it I think. Took 2 years to get therapy for myself alone and couples sessions but the damage was already done
My wife was diagnosed with BPD in 2008 and the only thing her doc told me was about the black and white thinking. There was never a gray area. We were together for 28 YEARS !!!! I always put up with it cus she was my best friend and always had been. Then about a year and a half ago I finally reached my breaking point when I realized she was doing it to our kids also and she had developed severe anger to go along with everything else. We tried to get her help but it was during COVID and there was no help. So after 28 years I took our kids and left. She tried everything from threatening to kill herself on a daily basis, to wanting to kill me, to crying and pleading for me to return. It ripped me apart but I had to think of my kids. It's a strange feeling to pray with everything you got for your soulmate, whom you have loved your entire life, to find another man. Eventually she did and it was like we didn't exist anymore, only him. I couldn't comprehend how she could do that to me but especially her own children. So I started doing more research on her disorder and now realize she can't help it. Its not an excuse mind you, or change anything. But it did give me some peace. Now I spend all my days and nights focused on our kids and looking after myself (which I neglected forever) while she is living it up with the new guy and they are doing the honeymoon phase thing. After all the abuse for all those years it's just another hammerblow. I'ts ingrained in me not to feel anything for myself in the way of pity and to push my own feelings aside, that's what they do. I wish there had been some type of reward at the end for all the suffering you go through but I am having to realize that having my freedom and not walking on eggshells everyday will have to suffice. I just wish now that I had made the decision to leave a long time ago. I still love her, and hate her. But at least I understand it more. Just wish somebody had told me all this years ago. Anyway, if someone out there is going thru something similar I suggest you find help. Especially with kids involved. My wife wasn't evil or mean like some people think, she is just sick and confused and I hope she can find peace someday.
I had the same situation took my kids and got divorced she pretty women my x wife .She found a nother man living it up. BUT MY KIDS ARE DOING GOOD .but got my son out to late age 11 . HE HAS SOME PROBLEMS BUT WORKING IT OUT .
@@RyanChand-c5b depends on what she was doing towards the kids. Divorce generally just breaks up the family and takes away the life advantages of a nuclear family. Just my opinion.
Thank you for sharing, I'm going through a very similar situation, divorcing after 20 years of union and two kids who're now also victims of her. It's hard for me to make this move at 42 yrs old, restarting my life.
02:00 Powerlessness. 02:52 Shame and guilt. 03:41 Paranoia(BPD) and hypervigilance(PTSD). 04:20 Disdain from family, for various reasons. 07:16 Ironic fear of abandonment. 07:44 Depression. 08:23 Exposure to legal and mental health systems. 08:53 Reluctance to advocate for one self or seek support. 10:43 Having a breakup backup plan. 11:40 Concern of a violent death.
9 out of 10. I didn't have a backup plan. I would add one for after the relationship is over... an pervasive feeling of being overwhelmed accompanied by an overwhelming and pervasive anxiety
@@joycearmstrong1648 There was a moment when my ex was going through dissociation and she gave me firm stare without saying a word. I looked in her eyes and I saw nothing and I truly felt like she would do me harm. It was like looking into pure evil. She would often have partial seizures attributed to BPD and would wake up in these phases. Acting as if she was something else. Honestly I thought about calling a priest to do an exorcism.
I have been out of that loop for three years now. I recognize most of these. Due to my exposure, my own personality have changed. Where I would previously always think the best of people and give everybody a chance, I now cut relations short with borderlines and narcissists upon the first aggression. It was my forgiving and understanding persona that allowed the abuse to go on for so long. Now after shortcutting people immediately if they attack I have been able to understand and feel that the majority of people out there have no need to attack you. People with a healthy empathy, which is actually the majority of people you meet, will never use the manipulative strategies, the entitlement and will never randomly accuse you for things. And I appreciate how adult communication just works and make sense with the majority of people out there.
Yup, happy you moved on. Axis 2 will eat you up, and devour you if you are co-dependent. I would like to say, please think the best of people - but that is not the case. NPD, BPD, and ASPD are often hidden in plain sight and it is something that should be natural to see them for who they are. But we often fail. I failed, and sounds like you did as well. Our tickers are off, hate to say it - accept we are deficient in this. So guard against it, best we can do right - or prove me wrong (please prove me wrong).
@@justindadswell8610 I wrote that 2 years ago. My development was that I was first exposed to this 2014, in the end of 2016 I had realized that something was 'off' and began reading books, up to 2018 I tried to make a narcissist realize she had to stop hurting people (it was impossible). In 2019 I thought I was safe, but when I exposed someone in 2020 it lead to a lot of damage caused by me not walking away immediately but again believing I could help. So in 2020 I learned how to have boundaries that made me guard immediately. Once I stopped to be ok with things it was like weeding out my "friends". But I also gave more love and attention to the good people so I gained more stable long term friendships than I lost. My demands of people today are not hard or extreme, but it seems Cluster-B people simply can't handle them and they never get far with me. I know today what to look out for. I am very keen on detecting people who lacks "emotional language" which is something I noticed with Cluster-B people. They rarely if ever show or share emotions in a vulnerable way, or show compassion to yours. And they show no interest or curiosity or joy in you as a person, but just think about how you can be useful to them, so there is no two-way dialogue. Then there are the projections. People who project or can't communicate normally and respectfully about an issue I kick out almost immediately today without looking back.
I was forever changed by my relationship with someone who had BPD. Psychological torture is really the simplest way I can describe it. Even after multiple rounds with multiple therapists, I still struggle with relationships to this day, especially romantic ones but even with friendship at times.
Great video Dr Grande! I am diagnosed Borderline myself. However, I agree with everything in this video. I have been dating my fiance for about 5 years now (got engaged recently). I got diagnosed in the beginning of our relationship. Due to my conservative catholic family, I had never dated anyone in my life before. That presented many many problems in our relationship: jealousy (extreme one, I'm ashamed to say), abandonment issues, problem prioritizing important activities over my SO. It was chaos in the beginning (like after the honey moon phase, we were dating for 1.5 years)! My fiance then told me to go see someone because it isn't normal to be that way. Despite feeling all those things intensely, I also agreed. I didn't like being this way. It is completely exhausting. It takes a toll on everybody. Not just the pwBPD. My fiance had stopped a lot of activities he loved like going to the gym, making music, and what not because it was necessary for him at the time for him to be there with me in order for me to be okay. That is not okay. This isn't healthy. Since my diagnosis I've taken upon myself to try the best I can to get better. I work with a team that consists of one psychiatrist &one psychologist. One for my meds for borderline (anti-depressant, mood stabilizer) and for my ADHD (stimulants), my psychologist works with me a lot of things through Dialectical Behavioural strategies, grounding exercises and a lot of mindfulness and consideration of all perspectives. I also did an 11-week intensive DBT program that consisted of group therapy twice a week and individual therapy once a week. I learned a lot and I have implemented a lot of that in my day to day life. I have also downloaded a mood tracking application (moodflow, it's free btw) in order to register my pattern's of behaviours and triggers. It's helpful since you're able to choose a mood, a submood, and also write a short (or long if you prefer) note on what happened that made you input that mood. Also you can track your mood throughout the day is not just once a day and it's really helpful. I am happy to say my partner himself has also seek for help on his own and his mental health has greatly improved. He is more social and he has engaged in activities he loves that he had abandoned due to the depression. Our relationship is based on communication and trust but also compromise. Relationships take work. My point in writing all of this is to say that a lot of people with borderline personality disorder watching this may have their feelings hurt because they might feel like a 'monster' incapable of love and what not. BUT NO! please, really listen to Dr. Grande. If you don't have these extreme behaviours than this isn't referring to you. If this video somehow resembles your current relationship with your partner then you need to realize that those behaviours are not healthy. You can either choose to get better and salvage your relationship if it matters to you so much, or get healthy and better on your own for your own self, OR just be 'toxic' on your own. (please do not get offended, I am just trying to explain my thought). I feel like this is a great informative video. It also helps in situation when a safety plan is needed. It's okay to walk away from confrontation to avoid them escalating. If someone threatens you you're allowed to leave. You need to care for yourself as well. If you fall trap to these patterns then you'd be like in this video... Depressed, lack of motivation for life, afraid of being alone, feeling inadequate. Please seek for help or abandon a relationship if it takes such a heavy toll on your health and mental health well-being. If you want this relationship to work that also falls on the pwBPD. they need to know themselves that they need to change and do therapy and be willing to change. If so, there are many resources for couple's therapy though individual therapy would greatly help if things are too violent or too tense for a couple's session to be conducted. Good luck on everyone. Once again Dr Grande, congratulations on your amazing content. I'm glad you keep appearing on my recommended!
@Danielle Bridgeman I mean. If I knew you in person I wouldn't have any problem showing you any of my private documents stating my diagnosis. However, expecting me to send a stranger proof that contains personal information sounds delusional and rather foolish. I shared my story. I don't gain any revenue from posting comments on the internet. Why would I lie? what am I going to gain from it? Anyway, have yourself a great day.
Thanks for sharing your story. It really rings true especially the bit about being exhausting. You can't really understand this aspect of the condition unless you've endured it long term and the impact it has on Everything else that circulates throughout the relationship. We'll done to you both, keep going and wishing you both happiness and success
This story sounds exactly like mine. I’m not engaged, but the first year or so of dating my bf, it was all good and ‘honeymoon’ like. Then slowly, small things started triggering jealousy in me, and that jealousy turned into digging into his past, become possessive and controlling, and eventually making the relationship very toxic. Working on it as much as I can.
I had a partner with BPD who never got help for it and she almost killed me. We talk so much about “being there for you partner” if you are not the one with the disorder, yet partners really suffer and now in talks about that. Never again. I am much more cautious and am still recovering after 5 years. Thank you for this post it’s validating and helpful.
Glad you’ve covered this, I was in a relationship with someone with BPD for a year and it was really difficult. The thing you said about feeling like you’re complaining about an uncomfortable chair is scarily accurate to how I felt when talking about my feelings at the time.
My mother has BPD. I’ve learned how to modify my behavior to minimize her moods but it makes me angry that I have to change my behavior around her when she’s the one with the problem. I’ve set very firm boundaries in dealing with her. Thankfully she moved out of state a few years ago and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I would cut her out of my life completely if I didn’t feel sorry for her. I recognize that it’s not her fault. Her father was an extreme narcissist. If you have BPD I’m begging you not to have children. It will f them up for life.
Not if they get it treated. I’ve BPD and am in treatment. In a couple years, I could have children and do well. However, I just don’t want kids though. I want to make my life as stress free as possible since stress is bad for BPD.
I lived through this. Actually I should say survived this. I eventually hit a breaking point and I ran full speed from the toxic relationship and never looked back. It was pretty traumatic and I still have some PSD from it. That was 4 years ago.
I left and then returned because I felt guilty for abandoning her at her point of need -- I returned, and it is proving to be a massive mistake as I am well and truly stuck.
Once I made the decision to get out it was done after over 20 horrific years, Yes I never had a proper sleep because he would want to kill me during the night Im so much happier and safer , and so much more aware of my boundaries , what I will and wont put up with Thanks Doc great info and forum
@@kusumlata1390 how are you doing now? I am no longer ruminating about him. I am not feeling any love at all now. I feel sorry for him and I am thankful that I got away.
I got 10 out of 10. I can tell I have my own issues but this confirmed my suspicions. Thank you for the insightful analysis and reasonable interpretation of BPD behaviors and their effects.
@@ttrainor70 I replied to your comment in detail but I don't see it now. Nevertheless, I'll just say that I found your comment to be interesting as well, which is why I replied. Thanks.
@Tim Trainor 10 out of 10 dude. Wow, you condescend to Dr. Grande “insightful analysis reasonable interpretation” how “big” of you 🤣 U must live that Victim status!
You nailed it, Dr Grande. One other thing I found (#11?) ,was that I constantly tried to stay with her because I knew (and she often told me) how distressed she became at any form of abandonment. And because I loved her I didn't want her to feel abandoned and therefore distressed - which was to my own detriment. I ended the relationship only when she physically attacked me for the second time - that was my boundary.
Brilliant video and of a much needed kind. I work in law (lawyer) and I'd not hesitate to put 50% of crimes and/or domestic problems/divorces down to poor mental health. We need more insight from the likes of yourself about the interaction between mental health sufferers and their partners/carers/family/friends/colleagues. Thank you ever so much!!! God bless.
@The Jezebel Resistance Same here brother, who would have known that people like that exist. God bless you. It's sad it has to get to the point of vindication, but take care of you because abusers always blame you.
I was married to a BPD. She seemed to hate me, but did not like it when I left for work in the morning. She would often start a fight or a crisis to try and prevent me from leaving. Then when I was at work, she would text me constantly trying to get me to come home. Then she began threatening to kill herself while I was at work. A few times, I left work to go home and check on her, which put serious strain on my performance at work. Finally on one occasion when she threatened to kill herself, I called 911 and the police went over. She would not answer the door, so they kicked the door in. She was just laying in bed watching TV. This was only a small fraction of the garbage that went on. I divorced her.
Question - In terms of BPD exposure, I wonder how common it is for the partner to also experience signs of PTSD (anxiety, insomnia, hyper-vigilance, poor self-esteem/shame, attention difficulties, social withdrawal, irritability, even poor digestion etc). Especially if the BPD is undiagnosed and the exposed partner has no previous understanding of BPD, and thus really takes on the gaslighting/blame and is almost constantly walking on egg-shells after the honeymoon is over. I think it can feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, and the PTSD is driven home by the fact that it’s almost impossible to talk to others about what’s happening (they can’t even fathom). Reason and logic go out the window and the partner feels like they are going crazy.
When I was in the process of leaving my ex who has BPD, my doctor did a full hormone panel on me because I was getting sick all the time, was always tired etc. Turns out my trauma response to the situation my ex husband was creating had my cortisol levels elevated from the moment I woke up, to the moment I fell asleep. She told me the extreme height of my cortisol level was equivalent to if I was a cavewoman who was guarding my babies from a stalking mountain lion who paced nonstop across the entrance of my cave.
Hope you surround yourself with all levels of support and make an exit plan if it's that bad. It's been a year and a half since I left.. hardest choice of my life due to young children being involved but I now cant believe the level of domestic unrest I was living in. I continue to heal and all my symptoms (digestion, insomnia etc) are soooo much better. Good luck! The book 'stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist' was really helpful flr me
@@drunkenrampage1588 Our divorce was finalized last month. She started therapy a month before then in a desperate attempt to appease me to get back together. Although I'm not sure how sincerely she will follow through.
Perfectly describes my personal hell for 9 years. The hardest is the shame involved in not being able to defend myself from her attacks knowing that I would be the one arrested.
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone who has BPD, Chronic anxiety and severe depressive disorder. I tried so hard to help her and it took me this long to realize there is no helping. I offered couples counseling even. Like you said Dr. My partner placed the blame on ALL of our issues solely on me and me alone. She was always the victim in every aspect even if I did nothing wrong. Eventually she got me to believe that I was the messed up one. I lost my brother to a drug overdose a year ago and have been experiencing large amounts of grief since then. She used this as her reason of why I don't treat her good enough. She said you changed after your brother died. Welp I was attacked finally physically by her and injured. I called the police yet she lied and is pressing charges? Good thing I have a good lawyer and I have learned the biggest lesson of all. Steer far far away from anyone with these conditions it makes a relationship IMPOSSIBLE.
My dad would be a perfectly matched candidate for all of these symptoms after years and years of physical abuse towards my mom and us as family. He finally changed, but not soon after he changed he died, unfortunately. Living your life like hell with wrong mindset and just about time find something right near your death time, is something to think of when you wanted living the good life and and maintain the healthy relationship.
This is such great content to be putting on RUclips. This is the kind of psychology content that can really help people in a meaningful way without a psychologist being able to sit down with the person one-on-one. I'm very happy that you are producing this kind of material, as I'm sure that this is more than just interesting for people, but it can directly help those in these kinds of situations. Thank you.
I always had a back up plan for when things got bad. The really bad fights always happened in the middle of the night. I would have to either endure it and stay, or get me and my child out of there in a moments notice. Often times when I would stay after a big fight I would fear falling asleep because I had the fear of being attacked in my sleep resulting in bodily harm or death. Nothing you do can make these people happy. You constantly question your self worth and value. I’ve had my ex and I in counseling and she came out of the season crying in my arms and apologizing for being so messed up and thanking me for continuing to come back and want to be with her for 2.5 years. Within 8 hrs she was back on her crazy accusations and complete devaluation of me. The longer you stay with these individuals the more you emulate their behaviors.
For me, it was often on vacation or during Holidays, when we had family obligations. There was no where to go, the kids and I couldn't escape. Thanks for posting.
Definitely my favorite video thus far! It's validating to hear a seasoned professional address these issues from clinical experience. That way, it really cannot be reasonably disputed. This video is going to educate so many people; hopefully including some who use these EXACT STATEMENTS due to their ignorance, naivete or willful lack of empathy when addressing men in these types of relationships. The frustration of consistently dealing with any of these signs of exposure over an extended period of time, (like in a marriage and/or when children are involved) is an explanation for why many men become depressed and resigned to possibly dying at his partner's hands, (especially if she randomly threatens to poison him while cooking dinner)! You're confused, you actually love her and want to help her, you have a family together, you made vows, you have your own issues too, it's embarrassing as a man, etc, etc. This video hit the nail on the head. I am grateful that you made a video bringing awareness to this issue, so that anybody who may currently be in this situation can feel encouraged and possibly share it with their own family, friends, lawyers, etc. and figure out the best way to handle their situation. Excellent advice, Doc! Not all relationships can be salvaged. And the sad part is, when the partner waits too long to truly address the issues, their innocent children often suffer as a result of their relationship conflicts. Thanks again for educating the masses! I'm sure this will resonate with many and save some lives along the way.💪🏽💪🏽
So helpful, thankyou. The amount of blame shifting from my BPD partner has almost sent me crazy. Although i am very concerned for the amount of suffering my partner undergoes with this condition, it was very grounding and reassuring to hear the effects on the partner (me). This helps me to realise i am not im fact, going insane.
Had a breakup 2 months ago with an (undiagnosed) girl after 4 years and I'm 99% she has BDP - constantly changing moods, nothing was ever good enough, it felt like I'm with a different person every 2 weeks, frequently changing interests, goals and values, shouting with no reason at all (at me and her family members), she tried to act masculine from time to time, very disorganized, trying to act and sound smarter than she actually is, always asked for some kind of validation, openly stating to me that she's "unique"... Also, definitely caries unprocessed CPTSD from childhood due to physical abuse from her father and having a life threatening operation, both around age of 14.... and when our relationship ended, she said "I want to be alone for a long time, I need to work on myself". I said to her "Trust me, you won't be alone". One month later, she found another guy, another "soulmate", deeply "in love" and he "understands her like no one before", just the things she said to me after just few weeks of our relationship. And there goes another cycle of hers. They will never change.
There is something so calming about the cadence of your videos. Intro, in-depth review of subject, and same wrap up in every video. My husband is amused by my excitement when you upload another video 😂
Thank you. I have BPD and feel saddened by what you said. I intentionally never marry because of my diagnosis. I am not on the scale of physically hurting anyone ever. It is only myself that I hurt physically. I am treated btw. I always tell any possible partner of my condition very early on. I think a lot of my partners don’t believe me. I am so sorry that having BPD makes so many other people suffer. It just sucks for all of us. If you are in danger, please leave.
That's very responsible of you. Unfortunately for me my partner wasn't diagnosed until after she cheated midway through the relationship. Now she ran off and is with him and about 6 other men after a lot of time energy money blood sweat and tears. I'm glad she's out of my life because she most certainly could have ruined it but the pain is almost unbearable. I really feel damaged right now. I wish I had known I would have never even met her.
My partner with bpd (ex now) is male and I'm female. All that you said is accurate and for me it was extreme, i have severe ptsd from the cruelty, the frequent abandonments, the verbal and physical abuse. And yes I felt it was almost a fait accomplis that I would die and I felt to blame by staying. So I had a note in the house for police explaining that i was aware that he had bpd and that i knew by staying that there was a risk I may die and to take into account his disorder and the fact I placed myself in harms way. To hopefully take some blame myself and make things less bad for him. I disagree with my then thought processes completely now. But I was living in an upside down world then. It's only luck I'm still alive and even though my body survived, the relationship destroyed me mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, socially, and left me a shell of a person.
This video is the only resource I can find on this topic. You hit the head on the nail. I wish there were more researcher on this topic and just how damaging this personality disorder can be to people with prolonged exposure.
You nailed it. I am surprised how accurate your signs are--truely 100% spot-on. All of the elements listed were common to my own experience to the nth degree. I laughed out loud when you mentioned law enforement interactions--never in my life did I have any meaningful proximity to police, but I grew very used to their presence. For anyone in this sort of relationship, please read Stop Walking On Eggshells. Get. Out.
People with BPD can have healthy relationships. It's not fair to paint everyone with the same brush. Since there are 9 diagnostic criteria and you don't have to have all of them to be diagnosed, there are many combinations of symptoms and everyone's expression of those symptoms is different.
I'm a week free of leaving my BPD gf after a little over a year together. I feel like I'm the one with BPD. This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure if anything she told me was true or not. She is a master manipulator to the point it's scary. She would change from crying no tears to full on anger outbursts in a second. I was isolated from the people I love. Her episodes were hours long and she would start arguments and then blame it all on me when I would react angrily that we were fighting about nothing. She would follow me from room to room berating me and yelling. She would block me from leaving the house when I tried to escape the argument and get space from her. I would tell her to stop and to leave me alone and she just couldn't. I would try and sleep and she would keep me awake and keep the fight going to the point it made me want to lash out at her. It's been an absolute nightmare. She called the police during our last fight that she started and that she kept going for 5 hours and that was the catalyst for me leaving. I left with what I could gather and now I'm just trying to find my sanity again. She even tried to get me to go back to her a few days later. Never ever going back.
I would love if you could cover "Quiet BPD"... I was diagnosed over a year ago, and don't identify with A LOT of the information out there. (But some) I "act in", rarely "out", (although have in my youth). Thanks for the content. 👌🏼
Out of curiosity Jenna, how do you find this BPD manifests when you drink? Does the Quiet get replaced by the repressed BPD traits (which you keep hidden due to the unsuitability of these behaviours in daily life)?
I would love to see this in the context of this video “partners of people with quiet BPD” because I have QBPD and no one would guess I have the illness if I didn’t say anything. My outbursts are ‘inbursts’ that affect me, consequently affecting my partner.
@@shaggyalonso Not at all, in my opinion. I drink probably every other week, always when going out, usually with my partner. If anything I'm just more giggly and boisterous. Not problematic or volatile at all. I think it just really depends on what kind of "drunk" you are, if you know what I mean? I also don't drink to excess, I know my limits and rarely even have a hangover. (I'm 32 if that matters)
I have a son with a borderline. It was an entrapment pregnancy designed to keep from moving away for my career. It didn’t work, and I moved away. Nonetheless, through my relationship with our son she was able to wreak absolute emotional chaos in my life. Eventually, in order to protect my wife and our son from the borderline’s drama, I had to move on from the situation. It proved to be a very positive decision, though not an easy one. A very good psychologist helped me unwind the damage that long term interaction with the borderline caused.
Thanks so much. I’m a BPD abuse survivor. 6 months out and I know I did the right thing but I’m still in withdrawal and think about her. Pw BPD say ‘I hate you, don’t leave’ their partners saying should be ‘I love you, you are terrible’.
My untreated BDP (maybe a covert narcissist too) partner for 5 years ended up devaluing me and having as her favorite new person a "friend" of mine that clearly has grandiose narcissistic traits. We have a daughter. Adding up the 5 years of abuse plus the double betrayal I ended up with severe PTSD symptoms, all of them. I am working my ass out as a single dad to snap out of this "dark night of the soul" situation because I don't plan on letting this shit linger inside of me for years. Life is too short to dwell in the past and waste precious time living in trauma. She had anger outbursts, mainly screaming and name calling. She didn't get physical with me but she festered on our daughter that was starting to show trauma symptoms, injuring herself out of frustration. She also had abandonment issues and extreme jealously. Trying to talk to her was the impossible. Jumpy, reactive, gaslighting as a norm, blame shifting, etc It truly is like being hit by a truck several times.
After 20 years I’m free now from my bpd wife. Regrettably she passed away soon afterwards, I suffer from guilt because of this tho I know I shouldn’t and I’m embarrassing to say out loud, a year and a half later I think i may even be suffering from some kind of ptsd. :( thank you for this video.
Another outstanding discussion about personality disorders. The exceptional understanding conveyed here should serve as a warning to all of us against tolerating a romantic partner who "behaves badly." We are powerless to assist them, and it is not our responsibility to do so. Leave the person, and even better, avoid getting involved, if you sense a person is "off," regardless of how attractive he or she may be.
Wow! I am so glad that you created this video! I identified so much with several of the affects, I actually brought hope! Something I have almost lost!
This is EXACTLY the relationship with my ex. Every fight we ever had she started. I never knew where I was with her. I was a pariah for years, everyone else sided with her and I was seen as not being good enough for her. When she inevitably left, she had absolutley no empathy whatsoever of the position she left me in. Only years later (far too late for me) did everyone realise the reality of the situation after she pretty much abandoned everyone including people who cared about her, such was her paranoia. She moved away and cut off all contact with friends leaving everyone in a state of wtf! I was like 'see, told you!' They only ever see themselves as the victim.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm in recovery at the moment and I showed this to my ex and she completely related. It was really painful to see the effects our relationship had on her. She felt herd and validated. And hopefully will be able to heal. And I hope to learn, I so deeply want to be able to in that place without causing such hurt. Thank you so much.
Thank you for all that information. I am living with a woman with BPD. She has been more physically and verbally abusive for the last couple of years. We have been together for almost 10 years. She is now starting to stab things with knives. She used to only destroy her own things but now she is cutting and stabbing my things. I have become fearful of even going home.
Don’t walk away . RUN away . What destruction they can cause . Sorry if this hurts feelings but as a friend of a bpd it’s rough I wouldn’t be able to handle anything closer like an intimate relationship.
I was in a relationship with a woman with BPD. While she could be most enjoyable socially & in private, she was always secretive & distrusting. She was also excessively controlling. Consequently, the relationship had it's continual limits. Ultimately, she left me because of my limits. In the end of the relationship, I suffered a 4mo depression & some PTSD. The relationship was 3yrs in length. It'll probably take me a yr to get past, even with the counseling that I engaged. However, I believe that I'll always have fond & dear memories of her.
I felt trapped in a relationship with a BPD... after my brothers suicide, I was an emotional wreck. She made attempts to comfort me when I was at my most depressed... but when I wasn't depressed, she was incredibly depressed over her relationships with family so I would support her... and she even mentioned that she would commit suicide if I ever left her, which made it impossible for me to actually break up with her when I wanted to. I couldn't face having 2 suicides on my conscience, so I stayed with her for years when I really just wanted out. I finally bit the bullet and broke up with her, she had a mental breakdown and then immediately found a random guy on a dating site to get back at me within a week (who also got her pregnant) I'm so glad I'm free, and I'm glad she didn't actually go through with any suicide attempts. That was a hard lesson, for the years I was with her, I was wondering what was wrong with her and with me... but finding out she was clinically diagnosed as borderline after I broke up with her, it makes a lot of sense now...
While it can be scary to have your partner threaten suicide, it's much better to leave that relationship. If this happens in future relationships don't be afraid to just call the police if you are scared they will actually do it.
My current partner is not threatening suicide, but she talks about how she doesn't want to be alive, wishes she was dead and tells me she will end up killing herself, how she's bought a rope etc. -- it's not a direct threat, but that is more scary as it feels like a genuine possibility. I need to escape this so very much, it's horrible.
@@Synchrodipity you should definitely rethink your relationship. I can't tell you what exactly to say or do. In my exerience... I said, "I just need to take a week off from hanging out everyday and just focus on what I need to do with my life for a bit." (Parahprasing) That alone made her automatically assume that I had another women on the side, which I didn't... and after a few days of me not driving to see her, she started freaking out and spamming me with texts and calls while I was at work. She didn't answer me after that week was over, I later found out she had a mental breakdown and went to the hospital and then was diagnosed with BPD and also went into therapy... Idk, she had a lot of issues over her family and she couldn't stand it if I talked to any other women even if I had to because they are my co-workers who also have their own relationships. It was a weird experience for those years. I am glad I am free.
@@Synchrodipity I hope that things get better for you. And that your able to break free from this toxic relationship. Hopefully you both can get individual counseling and you can move forward with your life.
I was in a relationship with bpd girl for 3 years. The symptoms were not too strong, but i realized that I got mental illness. She was moody, very angry if you didn't do anything that she wanted, she asked me to stop connecting with any girls, even my colleagues. When I wanted to leave her, she told me to kill herself. But she broke up a lot and came back several times. Please care of yourself.
this is a very underrated topic but an extreme epidemic. Literally I went through every single thing in this list, if I can turn back time and never meet my ex-girlfriend I would 100% do that. She completely damaged me, she was never able to accept fault for things that she did wrong, she was the definition of borderline and I regret ever meeting her. I really hope I recover soon
I've been studying psychology for almost 30 years and I have to say that you're incredibly good at telling how the events/situations can be look exactly 👍
You absolutely nailed it. I'm sitting here after two years wondering why I've no friends. Barely able to work. Lost weight. Lack of confidence. Yesterday I was sitting here wondering if I was going to be arrested after yet another Police intervention but one I had nothing to do with. Police failed to communicate with as well. It's all so sad. For us both. I know I'm half the man I was. She hasn't changed at all.
This was an excellent video Dr. Grande! Wow, how difficult and sad a relationship as such must be. I think education is essential and obviously treatment as well. That’s why what you do is of paramount importance Dr. Grande. You are educating the community in so many valuable topics. In addition, the information you present is scientifically informed making you a trustworthy channel for the community. That’s the main reason why I subscribed to your channel, because everything you say is backed up by science. Thank you again!
I had to ask my wife of nine and a half years to leave our home this past summer. I had concluded that she was deeply narcissistic … but a lot of these things sound a lot like her as well.... according to her she had anxiety, and some OCD. I'm in recovery for CPTSD, as my father was/is NPD (officially ), for the record , I have ADHD as well (late diagnosis, two years ago this month, a week prior to my 47th bday). She was NEVER physically abusive. Though, towards the end, her deep need to invalidate and devalue me caused her to put me in literal existential danger on more than one occasion. She spent considerable energy, over a period of years, being hypercritical and trying to convince me that I was "just like" my father - a year into the relationship I had shared with her my DEEP fear that I was just like him - and she reassured me that I was nothing like him as I am I touch with my empathy, and I have no problem apologizing and holding myself accountable for my actions....did I mention she was an actor?
A very accurate description. I found that I had to get a door between me and the verbal abuse and then it wasn't so bad if it wasn't face to face. I felt like fitting bolts to the door of the spare room so I could lock myself in until she calmed down. I didn't want to hurt her and shutting her out was the safest option.
I'm in a relationship with someone with bpd for many years. I feel like you nailed it. And if I say anything about how I feel I'm "playing the victim". Its an ongoing cycle that hasn't stopped for around 10 years. I feel like I am trapped because I do love her and want to make it work but I also fear for my future with this partner. You never know what will happen to you if you stick around and when they're gone and took away your everything what do you do then?
Just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone with BPD. We broke up and got back together over the years about 17 times. This time I dont want them back! I feel so free and I'm not walking on eggshells all the time and I can just live my own life and not have to worry about what kind of mood my partner is going to be in. It turned into abuse. Be free!!!!
I dated a girl for 7 years... when things got tough she’d constantly gaslight me about us breaking up just so I would overcompensate wanting you stay together but to fix things, I’d blame myself and she would basically forget she ever said anything. She would constantly belittle and devalue me, and when things got really bad she would sometimes finally break down, apologize, and say she’d “work on it” and it was good for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks but she’d always revert to devalue me. I’ve dated women and I always loved just messing around and wrestle/tickle, goof off... but I never could with my X-BPD because even though she’d try and goof around there would be a switch in her eyes where she would go cold and look at me like she wanted to kill me. The weirdest shift ever I can’t explain there was this look in her eyes... She’d constantly tell me that it was all about me and my world, but the reality is she was projecting... it was all about her and her needs... because if at any time if something was wrong guess who’s fault it always was...mine.
Lola Gul you might be right... I’m still working it out myself... been in therapy for a year now... however when it comes to NPD she could and would display wide arrays of emotion and at times had empathy enough to cry for movies and etc, but was more than capable of turning that off when it came to conflict resolution, she’d have none.
I was not aware of the term Borderline Personality Disorder until months before my wife of 31 years passed away. From the very start of our relationship, began to experience many of these indicators until a few years in. Now I realize I was experiencing ALL 10 of these indicators/symptoms. Her passing was rather sudden in that she developed cancer that ultimately took her life withing 6 months. This information is very helpful in trying to reconcile my own mental health. I'm in a new marriage to a partner who is a highly skilled medical professional and understands the dynamics associated with BPD. Thank you for your post and information.
Hello, I discovered your videos recently and wanted to say thank you. I was given a diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder last year and while I already had spent some time looking at the information available, a lot of the explanations and information you share have helped me greatly to understand a lot about what this diagnosis is about and also to have stronger ideas for what I can focus on with therapeutic treatment, once this is available. I like that you take a balanced and realistic approach to the subjects you’re discussing, and I think that once I feel safe to engage in relationships again, many of your videos will be a great resource to share with people to help explain BPD.
@Cassie I'd like to ask - if you are fully aware you have BPD and what the symptoms are, does that make you less likely to behave inappropriately, or is it like a red mist descends and you just can't control yourself?
@Cassie So knowing you have the condition versus being oblivious doesn't really change anything then? MY GF is also BPD, but refuses to acknowledge or get any help, so I can't have a productive discussion with her about it. You sound like if you have a boyfriend you could have that discussion, which must help a lot.
Love content like this that gives me further insight on my past relationship, I'm a recovering addict and dated someone with BPD. I still care for them and have immense love for them but this is incredibly accurate. If you're dating someone with BPD you should be fully aware of their behaviours, I wish I had taken the time to educate myself as opposed to learning direclty from them so I was better prepared for the ongoing conflicts that we had. Thank you for this content.
I left my wife in December after a threat to kill me in my sleep. She had pointed a gun at me and tried to hit me with a car before. I decided not to stick around and wait for her to follow through or succeed. The biggest problem I've seen in encouraging therapy is that the individual with BPD believes they don't need it because all their emotions and subsequent actions they feel are justified and a result of everyone else not behaving to their liking
I just had a friend do an emotional drive-by on me. Having healed from CPTSD (myriad abuse ongoing, growing up), I have power-boundaries and my response to manipulation is one that is firm and clear, and no BS. She simply called me “aggressive” for asserting myself and continued in her delusion. Reflecting on the experience and her full suite of behavior, it became clear that there was some splitting taking place, and the fabrication of problems where there weren’t any in order to create an abandonment scenario to sabotage the relationship. Honestly, I questioned this initially as narcissism, but the distinct pattern of BPD is evident here. I’d like to support her to get help, but I’m not sure if I even want to contact her because, again, power-boundaries.
I had a mental breakdown when I was in a relationship with my BPD partner. It's a very serious thing. I ended up staying with her to be cheated on. The impression she gave was that I deserved it because i didnt meet her impossible needs.
This video was eye opening and validating for me. My borderline relationship was years ago but i still revist this video and it lingers over me. I pray for whoever she ends up with.
Thank you Dr. G. It was a very simple and informative list. I think I may have developed some of them as my ex exhibited signs of bi polar/bpd. We were together for 5 years and I didn't realize the paranoia was related to the bpd exposure. Thank you again. I love your videos.
I was involved with a woman with "Quiet" BPD who is high functioning so most of these signs never occurred. Perhaps a video on those signs someday? Instead everything went seemingly perfectly until she broke up with me over nothing. I was of course then in sign #1 of having no clue what happened or why. It took me over a year of trying to reestablish a relationship to even figure out what was going on. But the Quiet BPD, rather than being clingy and frantic to Hoover someone back in isolates and pushes away to avoid being hurt by what they believe will be the inevitable abandonment. In some ways I suspect it's harder to disengage from a Quiet one than an Externalizing one. While they do the splitting/idealization/devaluation and push-pull thing and might occasionally emotionally dysregulate and do the paranoia thing [in our case only once] they internalize and hide all the rage and threats and abuse to such an extent the partner doesn't necessarily have a reason to want to end the relationship. Instead of being pursued by an emotional train wreck I found myself pursuing a kind of Sphinx who, it took me many months to realize, was much more than just a girl afraid of being hurt. But untreated they're no more capable of a stable and healthy relationship than a conventional case of BPD.
This was my situation and it really is a wild ride. The not knowing why and how it got so bad. I still get the urge to be with her but i know deep down this is not a healthy relationship to be in at all
I haven't spoken with my ex in 3 weeks she blocked me on everything after splitting and the hardest thing to come to terms with is if she ever even loved me at all or if it was all a game.
@Danielle Bridgeman ironically enough we actually texted all day yesterday after 3 weeks NC and thing s seemed"ok"she updated me on life we hashed some stuff out and had a positive overall interaction. She texted me this morning asking wyd i responded and havent heard from her since 830 am nd she still didnt unblock me. She for sure is Borderline but yes its starting to look like she has strong narc tendencies
I want to share the fact that some BPD afflicted persons are also skilled at manipulating the legal system, as well as shelters for abused spouses and their associated counselors. Here in Wyoming, your spouse can legally destroy anything and everything that you own. That's right, they can go off on a violent outburst and throw bricks through your windshield, batter down bedroom doors with a hammer, slash tires, take a hammer to electronics, or anything else they feel will hurt you the most. Beware, it gets pretty expensive pretty quick, and you can probably get charged with domestic assault if you try to stop the violence. I wonder how many other states are like Wyoming? Protect yourselves, wear a body cam, record everything, as they will try their absolute best to bait you into legal trouble.
you don't know how much I needed this. when you started speaking on the fear of being killed by your BPD partner I burst into tears. how horrible it is to hear and to live like that is accepted just as you said also. mine is in jail waiting for 2 court dates in 2 different counties for domestic assault over 2 months ago. in a 4 year relations ship the last 9 months he had become violent and the 1st 2 years things were so good. I didnt Kno anything about bpd at all and only learned after he went to jail and I started researching what could have happened because I knew something must be wrong. I thought he was going to kill me that day. if he had made it to the woods where we almost were I think he mite have. in a rage it was all he could see. what I have been struggling with since the minute I ran that day is this..il would have let him. I probably would have done whatever he said and let him. I didn't fight back the times he hurt me. why? why why why when most of the times I had a knife near me but I knew I would have to hurt him and could kill him and I couldn't. what is wrong with me? up until a few minutes ago I thought I was just me. keep making these for the ones of us who damaged ourselves badly by loving these people. I love that man I can't lie and idk what to do when he is released. if he is raging there will be trouble;.
I am sorry to interfere with my opinion, but mental disorder is no excuse to accept abuse and disrespect. It doesn't matter the condition, you are not his psychiatrist. At all costs your and others safety should be priority. I assume it is difficult to run away for various reasons but consulting attorneys, domestic violence support centers could be a place to start. I think support network is very, very important in this case, and should be priority number 1, because you are not alone in this and additionally- the right people, knowledge and resources are crucial to figuring a way to resolve the situation in a safe and effective way. Beware that domestic violence support centers deal with various situations and would have ideas, contacts,resources and information which most people lack. Again, beware that most people in your situation would feel frightened and confused, because of the isolation the partner aims and the constant emotional and psychological/physical abuse. This means that you can get through this! You are incredible and capable human being which doesn't deserve this attitude from anyone. I am sending love and healing, I wish you strength on you journey!
I’m in a relationship right now with someone I strongly suspect has bpd but doesn’t have the money for a therapist. This video cleared a lot up for me. I’ve been struggling a lot with our relationship and feeling inadequate and paranoid. I can’t do it anymore
Thank you for your insight. I got out of a relationship 2 years ago. It was the hardest thing to do but I was tired of living in fear of the aggression and threats to my life. If they would eventually manifest who knows but the overall stress was not healthy. I am a better person today for breaking free. And I'm no longer in contact with him since then. Not healthy for either of us. We left things on a positive note and well wishes for the future.
Thanks for your videos😊I wonder why we BPD people can feel normal and happy (and be high function at work) for days and suddenly everything comes back😂.
Because the condition manifests in romantic relationships, the favourite person. Work colleagues etc you don't worry about being abandoned by them! I hope I read your question correctly and sorry if I didn't .
Can you do a video on Friendships with a high functioning borderline? Do you recommend it or not and what are some criteria to go by? (setting boundaries). I had a friendship with a borderline but the confrontation of “why aren’t you answering your phone” if I missed 1 day of talking to her was TOO MUCH. Also contacting my job to find me was a little creepy when she hadn’t heard from me. Other than that, she was a a caring friend with a ton of personality, but those behaviors are a big trigger for me. (Don’t like it). I didn’t like being “Favorite Person.”
You made this video in a supersweet manner. I agree on all points - under the assumption that the partner doesn't have PD-like behaviours and problems himself. I don't know how often this form of a couple do exist: 'healthy & superkind man plus borderline woman'. In this case of course the troubled person, here the BPD, dominates the dynamics in the couple. In case its the classique BPD-NPD couple the NPD thrives due to BPD's symptoms, this is what feeds the narcissism and gives the NPD Person the desired poleposition. The picture is very different. Thank you very much for this. 🙂
Absolutely. 100% correct, imo. I posted a similar comment earlier but deleted it after reading yours; yours is much more concise and gets right to the point! Thank you for this.
@@mrs.reluctant4095 Haha, you're welcome, but I should be the one thanking you. Expressing my thoughts in writing is not one of my strong suits. If you ask me a question, I'll usually write a detailed and redundant novel. You conveyed exactly what I was trying to say in a much more concise manner. In my opinion, your comment is significant because you emphasized crucial points that I think most people overlook when talking about BPD in relationships. I'll take your advice but try to keep my comments shorter in the future. :-)
I absolutely love you for this man, I was with a girl for 5 years who had bpd. I felt like I lost myself I was completely miserable. Every thing you spoke about was spot on I'm just now starting to understand. Thankyou my friend
It can seem like this...It might well be an artifact of interpersonal projective identification. If so, look out! Detach! Even with awareness it's so hard to interrupt this pattern and it can start to work both ways, as you've noticed.
I just left a relationship with a partner who might've had BPD. She was told by 2 therapists that it was bipolar but she felt it was more BPD than anything. Thankfully she agreed to therapy and I think she did go to at least the first appointment (it was for a really solid DBT program) and I wish her all the best. It's just sad that I spent so much time trying to get her well and focusing all on her when I was so sick. Now that I'm out of it, I think part of me being sick was stress from handling her. It really was all about her all the time.
Im living with my gf with BPD. Everything you said is exactly what I'm dealing with. No matter what it's always me. I know it's not always her or it's her fault but I'm trying so hard.
@@rustyrivers7118 Hey, thank you for the reply. I want to first say that my gf and I are together happy now. It took over a year and while it was a huge struggle, it worked out in the end. Early in the year, I went to therapy due to a lot of emotional abuse from the relationship. What made it hurt was the fact that she made it seem like I needed to cause in her mind I was the problem. I ignored her and went there to focus on myself, but also learned about BPD and how to approach it. My therapist was a specialist in disorders and he really listened and guide me to better understand it and how to live with it. With this, we had a huge argument and I confronted her about this relationship. I told her I want to help her and really want to be with her, but all the lies, projecting, crude behavior, no ownership of responsibility were really taking a toll on us emotionally, and I told her that if she wasn't willing to accept that and work together to help her towards her path of healing, I told her that I couldn't help her and that I needed to do what I need to do for my own mental health. She then went into a frenzy, accusing me of minuscule things about me trying to deflect, but I stood my ground, didn't raise my voice, and calmly asserted that while I do have problems of my own, They're are not part of this conversation, nor is it the problem we're facing. I pretty much acted like a brick wall, and because of that she was really getting desperately mad and kept yelling accusation after accusation. She realized that she couldn't gaslight me nor deflect the situation, and because of that she was really getting desperate. After 4 hours of this, she then broke down and told her childhood pain(which is why she developed bpd). I listened and comfort her, and from that, we came together and really build our relationship. She took it upon herself to see someone and I've been by her side to help. Now everything is great. She takes it upon herself to realize when she goes to far and apologizes when she was in the wrong. Of course, there are still moments here and there when she gets upset, but for the most part I forget that she even has bpd. I want the record to show that everyone's different, and at the end of the day you gotta do what's right for youand for your own mental health, but there is a way to work on this and with enough understanding and ALOT of patience, you can really improve your relationship with someone who has BPD and really help them on the path towards healing. I love you all
@@joe16730 thanks for replying. I have been in a relationship with a quiet borderline for 15 years. I could have wrote word for word what you just wrote, only difference is I experienced it over and over. They cycle. They reset. Wash, clean repeat. Been the story of my 15 years with her. I'm glad your circumstance has allowed you 2 to come back together...but, keep your eyes open. And I hope you don't hate me for saying this, I recommend secretly putting a GPS tracking device on her vehicle. If I can be of any help. Let me know.
Wow I felt this. "With Borderline Personality Disorder it is not unusual to see behaviour consistent with vulnerable narcissism, for example we see shame, hypersensitivity to criticism, resentfulness and distrust. Along with those characteristics comes this idea of playing the victim. With BPD we see a lack of ownership, we don't see them taking responsibility for their actions but rather framing every situation as them being the victim. As the individual with BPD talks to her friends and relatives she tends to shift the blame for her negative emotions over to her partner. Those people might believe that the partner is responsible for what's going on. They might say "If she really attacked you, why didn't you fight back?" Among the many reasons why the partner won't fight back, the partner knows the tendency of playing the victim which we see with the Borderline. The partner worries that he is going to be falsely accused of being the aggressor. We know from the research literature that a woman with BPD who attacks her partner is often injured in that process, and the partner knows that he may very well get blamed. He may hear the question "What did you to to make her that way?" So squarely shifting the blame onto the partner. Sometimes the friends and relatives eventually figure out what's really going on, and people see the pattern eventually". Two years on from a relationship I didn't even want to be in and I'm still picking up the pieces. 40 pounds in weight lost. Mental health affected. I will never be the person I once was.
Very informative and striking at how I identify with all the effects on a partner, including major depression and PTSD. I ended up hospitalized and suicidal 7 years ago and needing 45 ECT treatments. I ended up having to get my friend to drive me for many of those treatments because they were an inconvenience to my wife. She works 2-3 days/week part time. So frustrating. Thanks for posting. It’s nice to know that I’m not just a terrible, evil person as is continually reinforced...
With the help of these videos I've come to the conclusion that my partner does indeed suffer from a personality disorder (meets many criteria for Borderline, Vulnerable Narcissist and also Dependent) obviously I am not trying to diagnose, simply understand the years of abuse I've suffered. To complicate matters more I believe I'm suffering from severe social anxiety that could certainly be classified as Avoidant personality disorder. I know I will lose all my material possessions when I leave but homelessness is beginning to seem preferable to living in this nightmare any longer. I've lost all my relationships with family and friends already so if I end up wandering the streets with a backpack full of clothes and some books, I will pay that price to have the chance at starting over.
I'm here because a woman I'm seeing for 6 months now has BPD. I keep seeing her as a person though. The major thing that happens to me is triggering my 'own' BPD-traits. I don't have BPD however, although I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was young possibly because of an unsafe emotional childhood and attachment issues (trauma). My life in the last 6 months went from relatively calm towards pretty hectic, especially if I look at my internal emotional control and increase of sensations of stress. I get inner hints that I should leave her and during a discussion with her, she knows for some reason unconsciously how to push buttons to make me insecure about myself; isn't it me, am I wrong, she is right at some points, etc. I start to believe I have intimacy issues. This seems to be dragging me down, although I find it an interesting path of self-development. I wonder if there are more people here who resonate with what I say. I'd love to see some perspectives. There aren't winners in this and there aren't losers either. For me I yet see it as an incapability to end the relationship and move on.
For sure, I’ve been through hell with my current gf who I think has bpd and I’m just recently learning about it. It’s definitely been enlightening and almost therapeutic for me to learn about what I’ve experienced, and it’s definitely a great opportunity to learn about yourself too. The hardest obstacle is to maintain the mental toughness that I requires in order to sustain these relationships, I don’t think many people (rightly so) are capable of doing this
Went through a breakup over Labor Day weekend with my boyfriend who has BPD, and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. Silent treatment, shifting blame, told me he never loved me. Refused to talk to me on the phone to get it all sorted, would only text. It was so damn frustrating, and I still can't figure what happened.
As someone experiencing C-PSTD after a 6 year relationship with a pwBPD (personwithBPD), I can tell you from experience, that you probably won't ever figure out what happened. You are that person's everything and they probably are too, then all of sudden you're being treated like garbage and are nothing to them. Logically thinking people can't understand the mind of a pwBPD because a pwBPD thoughts & behaviors are centered & focused around their own emotions, which to them are very intense & chaotic. Emotions are intrinsic to a pwBPD's being. You won't get an explanation or any sort of closure, with the pwBPD feeling either no remorse or overwhelming guilt /shame when you tell them or they realize they gravely wronged you, to the point where they block it out & you from their lives to prevent themselves from experiencing those feelings; thus denying your reality in favor of their own, be it intentionally or subconsciously. And you are left looking for answers & trying to make sense of it all when it doesn't. This can seriously affect your mental health & put your nervous system in dysregulation if you are not aware of the detrimental nature cluster B personality disorders can have on people. If you're really struggling and/or having trouble moving past what happened, I suggest you seek counseling or therapy to free yourself from the damage this kind of relationship has on the partner without BPD during a devalue/discard phase. What you should NOT do is allow the emotional abuse & psychological mind games to continue if you want the relationship reconciled into a healthier one. Set clear boundaries, otherwise it'll be more devastating and harder to move on, later on, the longer you deal with it or tolerate the abuse/bad behaviors/hostility/cruelty/vindictiveness, etc.
@@AS8Cend I so appreciate your reply. I am going to read it a few more times to fully understand all you are saying. Again, thank you for replying, because this has been one of the most devastating experiences I've ever had.
darn this hit home hard.. i entered a relationship at 17 with a girl that had borderline and she was extremely paranoid of me cheating (which i have never done anyway) so we isolated ourself, and she got worse and worse, she often beat me and very frequently ran to the kitchen to get a knife and threaten to kill me or herself.. i lost all my friends, barely saw family and i believe either one of us was gonna end up dead one day. Everytime i tried to leave she stalked me and could persuade me to get back.. after we finished for good i fell into a depression and loathed myself with drugs and alcohol, now we're 10 years later, im getting better, i'm clean, but i'm not the happy person i was before
My first relationship was with someone who had BPD, worst relationshit ever! Don’t move together with people like these, it will traumatize you. It was such an exhausting emotional rollercoaster, the splitting will make you mad too and the rage is scary. I was left with C-PTSD after living for one year with someone who I tried to help and love, it’s impossible and pointless. Only if they have been for years in DBT therapy and admit that they are the problem then just maybe the relationship might be worth it, otherwise forget it. The affection and great sex in the beginning is only there to hook you in, but you will pay a high price for it. They are not called emotional vampires without a reason.
Now imagine that relationship starts at early teens where your personality is not even fully developed, and imagine having it on and off + distance relationship at times and often with years of not talking, for 9 years because you’re codependent as a result of being raised by 2 narcissists that were never emotionally available to a highly sensitive kid that really needed it and helped me develop deep sense of guilt and unworthiness, pair it up with good economic status of my family in an environment where it’s rare and get complete isolation, and unavailability to share the struggle with anyone else because of the stigma “at least you don’t have to worry about how to feed yourself”. I’m a wreck of a person and only this year i figured it was BPD and nothing else she was getting diagnosed with this past year after a big psychotic breakdown. I hope things will get normal one day, but on the bright-side at least im done with throwing my self under the bus, whether its with that particular relationship, drug abuse or anything in between. I pray its not too late and i pray for all of you too. Good luck.
The never ending testing and devaluation were the hardest for me. There is no worse feeling than knowing you put everything you had into a relationship that wasn't real.
had same thing in the summer of 2019 , i snapped and almost got arrested and started smoking , constant stress . i did everything for her and it was hell.
If I want to know what my BPD ex wants, the answer is always "more". There is no such thing as "enough".
That's where I'm at right now and it has been extremely hard to swallow
@@Laneganswake Take time for your self. read ,learn and focus on making your self happy and stronger. Don't beat yourself up looking for answers because there are none. there is no logic and rationality only moving forward. Stay strong brother.
I got arrested protecting mine from an episode. Not fun.
"Everyone is suffering when BPD is involved"
Yup.
YEP!
This hits hard 😢
Thank you Most true comment !!!!
My ex strongly exhibited all 9 symptom criteria. People that have not experienced this type of dynamic relationship truly do not understand the horror.
I was the victim of one such woman. I'm trying to understand why her husband went along with it when he knew I was innocent.
@@mrsvirginiamissouri My BDP ex would make my life hell if I didn't actively take her side in the unnecessary conflicts she created. That may have been the reason for his action.
One time my ex got angry with me because I didn't punch her friend's husband in the face because he was teasing her. Everyone was laughing and having fun, but later she was furious with me. She nagged me for months about it. She literally wanted me to punch him in the face at a frozen yogurt shop in front of his children because he was he was lightly teasing her. My failure to do so indicated I wasn't "a real man."
Can attest to this 100% as someone who has also experienced it and still is experiencing it. Hard to put into words.
My soon to-be ex wife too strongly exhibits all 9 symptoms and I've read about 5 articles and this. Every single word in every one nailed it. It really rose to the surface after our only child was born. Postpartum depression combo did it I think. Took 2 years to get therapy for myself alone and couples sessions but the damage was already done
@@AnneLien1987 It "makes you" behave that way? You have no control over yourself?
My wife was diagnosed with BPD in 2008 and the only thing her doc told me was about the black and white thinking. There was never a gray area. We were together for 28 YEARS !!!! I always put up with it cus she was my best friend and always had been. Then about a year and a half ago I finally reached my breaking point when I realized she was doing it to our kids also and she had developed severe anger to go along with everything else. We tried to get her help but it was during COVID and there was no help. So after 28 years I took our kids and left. She tried everything from threatening to kill herself on a daily basis, to wanting to kill me, to crying and pleading for me to return. It ripped me apart but I had to think of my kids. It's a strange feeling to pray with everything you got for your soulmate, whom you have loved your entire life, to find another man. Eventually she did and it was like we didn't exist anymore, only him. I couldn't comprehend how she could do that to me but especially her own children. So I started doing more research on her disorder and now realize she can't help it. Its not an excuse mind you, or change anything. But it did give me some peace. Now I spend all my days and nights focused on our kids and looking after myself (which I neglected forever) while she is living it up with the new guy and they are doing the honeymoon phase thing. After all the abuse for all those years it's just another hammerblow. I'ts ingrained in me not to feel anything for myself in the way of pity and to push my own feelings aside, that's what they do. I wish there had been some type of reward at the end for all the suffering you go through but I am having to realize that having my freedom and not walking on eggshells everyday will have to suffice. I just wish now that I had made the decision to leave a long time ago. I still love her, and hate her. But at least I understand it more. Just wish somebody had told me all this years ago. Anyway, if someone out there is going thru something similar I suggest you find help. Especially with kids involved. My wife wasn't evil or mean like some people think, she is just sick and confused and I hope she can find peace someday.
I had the same situation took my kids and got divorced she pretty women my x wife .She found a nother man living it up. BUT MY KIDS ARE DOING GOOD .but got my son out to late age 11 . HE HAS SOME PROBLEMS BUT WORKING IT OUT .
You got your kids out of the years of the suffering and that’s the greatest reward!
sorry you went through that man but I can assure you, you made the right decision for your kids
@@RyanChand-c5b depends on what she was doing towards the kids. Divorce generally just breaks up the family and takes away the life advantages of a nuclear family. Just my opinion.
Thank you for sharing, I'm going through a very similar situation, divorcing after 20 years of union and two kids who're now also victims of her. It's hard for me to make this move at 42 yrs old, restarting my life.
I feel like he’s talking directly to me. Everything he said applies. I hate BPD, it’s ruined my life.
i feel you man
Dude I can’t imagine. Years wasted in terror
I have a partner with BPD and I know it doesn’t help but my heart goes out to you. I hope that your situation gets better and you thrive 💕
I hear ya buddy, you got to find a way to move on. You deserve to live a healthy life.
02:00 Powerlessness.
02:52 Shame and guilt.
03:41 Paranoia(BPD) and hypervigilance(PTSD).
04:20 Disdain from family, for various reasons.
07:16 Ironic fear of abandonment.
07:44 Depression.
08:23 Exposure to legal and mental health systems.
08:53 Reluctance to advocate for one self or seek support.
10:43 Having a breakup backup plan.
11:40 Concern of a violent death.
9 out of 10. I didn't have a backup plan. I would add one for after the relationship is over... an pervasive feeling of being overwhelmed accompanied by an overwhelming and pervasive anxiety
7/10
fear of a violent death isn’t smth i thought everyone experienced and i’m shocked seeing that
@@joycearmstrong1648 There was a moment when my ex was going through dissociation and she gave me firm stare without saying a word. I looked in her eyes and I saw nothing and I truly felt like she would do me harm. It was like looking into pure evil. She would often have partial seizures attributed to BPD and would wake up in these phases. Acting as if she was something else. Honestly I thought about calling a priest to do an exorcism.
6/10
I have been out of that loop for three years now. I recognize most of these. Due to my exposure, my own personality have changed. Where I would previously always think the best of people and give everybody a chance, I now cut relations short with borderlines and narcissists upon the first aggression. It was my forgiving and understanding persona that allowed the abuse to go on for so long. Now after shortcutting people immediately if they attack I have been able to understand and feel that the majority of people out there have no need to attack you. People with a healthy empathy, which is actually the majority of people you meet, will never use the manipulative strategies, the entitlement and will never randomly accuse you for things. And I appreciate how adult communication just works and make sense with the majority of people out there.
You are so true ! Words of experience right there . Hope u didnt let her take youre beautiful characteristics away.
🤍🇳🇱
I agree with you. Thanks for sharing.
Yup, happy you moved on.
Axis 2 will eat you up, and devour you if you are co-dependent.
I would like to say, please think the best of people - but that is not the case.
NPD, BPD, and ASPD are often hidden in plain sight and it is something that should be natural to see them for who they are. But we often fail. I failed, and sounds like you did as well. Our tickers are off, hate to say it - accept we are deficient in this. So guard against it, best we can do right - or prove me wrong (please prove me wrong).
@@justindadswell8610 I wrote that 2 years ago. My development was that I was first exposed to this 2014, in the end of 2016 I had realized that something was 'off' and began reading books, up to 2018 I tried to make a narcissist realize she had to stop hurting people (it was impossible). In 2019 I thought I was safe, but when I exposed someone in 2020 it lead to a lot of damage caused by me not walking away immediately but again believing I could help. So in 2020 I learned how to have boundaries that made me guard immediately. Once I stopped to be ok with things it was like weeding out my "friends". But I also gave more love and attention to the good people so I gained more stable long term friendships than I lost. My demands of people today are not hard or extreme, but it seems Cluster-B people simply can't handle them and they never get far with me. I know today what to look out for. I am very keen on detecting people who lacks "emotional language" which is something I noticed with Cluster-B people. They rarely if ever show or share emotions in a vulnerable way, or show compassion to yours. And they show no interest or curiosity or joy in you as a person, but just think about how you can be useful to them, so there is no two-way dialogue.
Then there are the projections. People who project or can't communicate normally and respectfully about an issue I kick out almost immediately today without looking back.
Same.
I was forever changed by my relationship with someone who had BPD. Psychological torture is really the simplest way I can describe it. Even after multiple rounds with multiple therapists, I still struggle with relationships to this day, especially romantic ones but even with friendship at times.
Great video Dr Grande!
I am diagnosed Borderline myself. However, I agree with everything in this video. I have been dating my fiance for about 5 years now (got engaged recently). I got diagnosed in the beginning of our relationship. Due to my conservative catholic family, I had never dated anyone in my life before. That presented many many problems in our relationship: jealousy (extreme one, I'm ashamed to say), abandonment issues, problem prioritizing important activities over my SO.
It was chaos in the beginning (like after the honey moon phase, we were dating for 1.5 years)! My fiance then told me to go see someone because it isn't normal to be that way. Despite feeling all those things intensely, I also agreed. I didn't like being this way. It is completely exhausting. It takes a toll on everybody. Not just the pwBPD.
My fiance had stopped a lot of activities he loved like going to the gym, making music, and what not because it was necessary for him at the time for him to be there with me in order for me to be okay. That is not okay. This isn't healthy. Since my diagnosis I've taken upon myself to try the best I can to get better.
I work with a team that consists of one psychiatrist &one psychologist. One for my meds for borderline (anti-depressant, mood stabilizer) and for my ADHD (stimulants), my psychologist works with me a lot of things through Dialectical Behavioural strategies, grounding exercises and a lot of mindfulness and consideration of all perspectives. I also did an 11-week intensive DBT program that consisted of group therapy twice a week and individual therapy once a week. I learned a lot and I have implemented a lot of that in my day to day life. I have also downloaded a mood tracking application (moodflow, it's free btw) in order to register my pattern's of behaviours and triggers. It's helpful since you're able to choose a mood, a submood, and also write a short (or long if you prefer) note on what happened that made you input that mood. Also you can track your mood throughout the day is not just once a day and it's really helpful.
I am happy to say my partner himself has also seek for help on his own and his mental health has greatly improved. He is more social and he has engaged in activities he loves that he had abandoned due to the depression. Our relationship is based on communication and trust but also compromise. Relationships take work.
My point in writing all of this is to say that a lot of people with borderline personality disorder watching this may have their feelings hurt because they might feel like a 'monster' incapable of love and what not. BUT NO! please, really listen to Dr. Grande. If you don't have these extreme behaviours than this isn't referring to you. If this video somehow resembles your current relationship with your partner then you need to realize that those behaviours are not healthy. You can either choose to get better and salvage your relationship if it matters to you so much, or get healthy and better on your own for your own self, OR just be 'toxic' on your own. (please do not get offended, I am just trying to explain my thought).
I feel like this is a great informative video. It also helps in situation when a safety plan is needed. It's okay to walk away from confrontation to avoid them escalating. If someone threatens you you're allowed to leave. You need to care for yourself as well. If you fall trap to these patterns then you'd be like in this video... Depressed, lack of motivation for life, afraid of being alone, feeling inadequate. Please seek for help or abandon a relationship if it takes such a heavy toll on your health and mental health well-being. If you want this relationship to work that also falls on the pwBPD. they need to know themselves that they need to change and do therapy and be willing to change. If so, there are many resources for couple's therapy though individual therapy would greatly help if things are too violent or too tense for a couple's session to be conducted.
Good luck on everyone.
Once again Dr Grande, congratulations on your amazing content. I'm glad you keep appearing on my recommended!
Thank you for sharing! I'm glad things have improved for you two!💪🏽💪🏽
@Danielle Bridgeman I mean. If I knew you in person I wouldn't have any problem showing you any of my private documents stating my diagnosis. However, expecting me to send a stranger proof that contains personal information sounds delusional and rather foolish. I shared my story. I don't gain any revenue from posting comments on the internet. Why would I lie? what am I going to gain from it? Anyway, have yourself a great day.
Thanks for sharing your story. It really rings true especially the bit about being exhausting. You can't really understand this aspect of the condition unless you've endured it long term and the impact it has on Everything else that circulates throughout the relationship. We'll done to you both, keep going and wishing you both happiness and success
@@davestewart5123 thank you for such kind words, we appreciate . You're really sweet. Have a wonderful day =)
This story sounds exactly like mine. I’m not engaged, but the first year or so of dating my bf, it was all good and ‘honeymoon’ like. Then slowly, small things started triggering jealousy in me, and that jealousy turned into digging into his past, become possessive and controlling, and eventually making the relationship very toxic. Working on it as much as I can.
I had a partner with BPD who never got help for it and she almost killed me. We talk so much about “being there for you partner” if you are not the one with the disorder, yet partners really suffer and now in talks about that. Never again. I am much more cautious and am still recovering after 5 years. Thank you for this post it’s validating and helpful.
It's one way traffic!They expect the world but are never there in return .Pouring love into a bottomless pit.
Glad you’ve covered this, I was in a relationship with someone with BPD for a year and it was really difficult. The thing you said about feeling like you’re complaining about an uncomfortable chair is scarily accurate to how I felt when talking about my feelings at the time.
My mother has BPD. I’ve learned how to modify my behavior to minimize her moods but it makes me angry that I have to change my behavior around her when she’s the one with the problem. I’ve set very firm boundaries in dealing with her. Thankfully she moved out of state a few years ago and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I would cut her out of my life completely if I didn’t feel sorry for her. I recognize that it’s not her fault. Her father was an extreme narcissist. If you have BPD I’m begging you not to have children. It will f them up for life.
Not if they get it treated. I’ve BPD and am in treatment. In a couple years, I could have children and do well. However, I just don’t want kids though. I want to make my life as stress free as possible since stress is bad for BPD.
I lived through this. Actually I should say survived this. I eventually hit a breaking point and I ran full speed from the toxic relationship and never looked back. It was pretty traumatic and I still have some PSD from it. That was 4 years ago.
Do you still love that person or miss them? I feel like I am trauma bonding.
I left and then returned because I felt guilty for abandoning her at her point of need -- I returned, and it is proving to be a massive mistake as I am well and truly stuck.
@@kusumlata1390 I love and miss him so much. I am watching this video so I remember the awful times
Once I made the decision to get out it was done after over 20 horrific years,
Yes I never had a proper sleep because he would want to kill me during the night
Im so much happier and safer , and so much more aware of my boundaries , what I will and wont put up with
Thanks Doc great info and forum
@@kusumlata1390 how are you doing now? I am no longer ruminating about him. I am not feeling any love at all now. I feel sorry for him and I am thankful that I got away.
I got 10 out of 10. I can tell I have my own issues but this confirmed my suspicions. Thank you for the insightful analysis and reasonable interpretation of BPD behaviors and their effects.
@@littlemiss8770 Yep, it's not paranoia when they really are out to get you. Interesting comment
@@ttrainor70 I replied to your comment in detail but I don't see it now. Nevertheless, I'll just say that I found your comment to be interesting as well, which is why I replied. Thanks.
@Tim Trainor 10 out of 10 dude. Wow, you condescend to Dr. Grande “insightful analysis reasonable interpretation” how “big” of you 🤣 U must live that Victim status!
@@littlemiss8770 His comment was boring.
@@ttrainor70 Are they really out yo get you? BPD is a neurobiological condition. You are paranoid!
You nailed it, Dr Grande. One other thing I found (#11?) ,was that I constantly tried to stay with her because I knew (and she often told me) how distressed she became at any form of abandonment. And because I loved her I didn't want her to feel abandoned and therefore distressed - which was to my own detriment. I ended the relationship only when she physically attacked me for the second time - that was my boundary.
Brilliant video and of a much needed kind. I work in law (lawyer) and I'd not hesitate to put 50% of crimes and/or domestic problems/divorces down to poor mental health. We need more insight from the likes of yourself about the interaction between mental health sufferers and their partners/carers/family/friends/colleagues. Thank you ever so much!!! God bless.
@The Jezebel Resistance Great comment, you hit the nail right on the head, thank you.
@The Jezebel Resistance Same here brother, who would have known that people like that exist. God bless you. It's sad it has to get to the point of vindication, but take care of you because abusers always blame you.
@The Jezebel Resistance Amen
Like don’t lots of people with a Borderline have their own mental health problems too?
I was married to a BPD. She seemed to hate me, but did not like it when I left for work in the morning. She would often start a fight or a crisis to try and prevent me from leaving. Then when I was at work, she would text me constantly trying to get me to come home. Then she began threatening to kill herself while I was at work. A few times, I left work to go home and check on her, which put serious strain on my performance at work. Finally on one occasion when she threatened to kill herself, I called 911 and the police went over. She would not answer the door, so they kicked the door in. She was just laying in bed watching TV. This was only a small fraction of the garbage that went on. I divorced her.
Question - In terms of BPD exposure, I wonder how common it is for the partner to also experience signs of PTSD (anxiety, insomnia, hyper-vigilance, poor self-esteem/shame, attention difficulties, social withdrawal, irritability, even poor digestion etc). Especially if the BPD is undiagnosed and the exposed partner has no previous understanding of BPD, and thus really takes on the gaslighting/blame and is almost constantly walking on egg-shells after the honeymoon is over. I think it can feel like you’ve been hit by a truck, and the PTSD is driven home by the fact that it’s almost impossible to talk to others about what’s happening (they can’t even fathom). Reason and logic go out the window and the partner feels like they are going crazy.
All of this! 🙌
When I was in the process of leaving my ex who has BPD, my doctor did a full hormone panel on me because I was getting sick all the time, was always tired etc. Turns out my trauma response to the situation my ex husband was creating had my cortisol levels elevated from the moment I woke up, to the moment I fell asleep. She told me the extreme height of my cortisol level was equivalent to if I was a cavewoman who was guarding my babies from a stalking mountain lion who paced nonstop across the entrance of my cave.
What I’m going through right now. It really hurts.
Hope you surround yourself with all levels of support and make an exit plan if it's that bad. It's been a year and a half since I left.. hardest choice of my life due to young children being involved but I now cant believe the level of domestic unrest I was living in. I continue to heal and all my symptoms (digestion, insomnia etc) are soooo much better. Good luck! The book 'stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist' was really helpful flr me
Yeah my ex fucked me up. Cheated and gaslight me like crazy, I felt like it was my fault, and I still love her. The ride never ends
Coming out of a nine year bpd relationship. It's been 4 months, trying to stay strong! This is so helpful. Thank you Dr. Grande.
I have a question. Did that person ever attempted to seek therapy?
@@drunkenrampage1588 Our divorce was finalized last month. She started therapy a month before then in a desperate attempt to appease me to get back together. Although I'm not sure how sincerely she will follow through.
Perfectly describes my personal hell for 9 years. The hardest is the shame involved in not being able to defend myself from her attacks knowing that I would be the one arrested.
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone who has BPD, Chronic anxiety and severe depressive disorder. I tried so hard to help her and it took me this long to realize there is no helping. I offered couples counseling even. Like you said Dr. My partner placed the blame on ALL of our issues solely on me and me alone. She was always the victim in every aspect even if I did nothing wrong. Eventually she got me to believe that I was the messed up one. I lost my brother to a drug overdose a year ago and have been experiencing large amounts of grief since then. She used this as her reason of why I don't treat her good enough. She said you changed after your brother died. Welp I was attacked finally physically by her and injured. I called the police yet she lied and is pressing charges? Good thing I have a good lawyer and I have learned the biggest lesson of all. Steer far far away from anyone with these conditions it makes a relationship IMPOSSIBLE.
My dad would be a perfectly matched candidate for all of these symptoms after years and years of physical abuse towards my mom and us as family. He finally changed, but not soon after he changed he died, unfortunately. Living your life like hell with wrong mindset and just about time find something right near your death time, is something to think of when you wanted living the good life and and maintain the healthy relationship.
This is such great content to be putting on RUclips. This is the kind of psychology content that can really help people in a meaningful way without a psychologist being able to sit down with the person one-on-one. I'm very happy that you are producing this kind of material, as I'm sure that this is more than just interesting for people, but it can directly help those in these kinds of situations. Thank you.
@Danielle Bridgeman Well, that was random and unnecessarily hostile.
I always had a back up plan for when things got bad. The really bad fights always happened in the middle of the night. I would have to either endure it and stay, or get me and my child out of there in a moments notice. Often times when I would stay after a big fight I would fear falling asleep because I had the fear of being attacked in my sleep resulting in bodily harm or death. Nothing you do can make these people happy. You constantly question your self worth and value. I’ve had my ex and I in counseling and she came out of the season crying in my arms and apologizing for being so messed up and thanking me for continuing to come back and want to be with her for 2.5 years. Within 8 hrs she was back on her crazy accusations and complete devaluation of me. The longer you stay with these individuals the more you emulate their behaviors.
For me, it was often on vacation or during Holidays, when we had family obligations. There was no where to go, the kids and I couldn't escape. Thanks for posting.
blah blah People can have comorbid personality disorder traits.
blah blah Make no mistake that a person who abuses has personality disorder traits.
My backup plan eventually became moving 400 miles away. 😏 Best decision I ever made.
James Vitale this is what I may end up having to do myself. My ex has infiltrated my friends and my social circles.
Definitely my favorite video thus far! It's validating to hear a seasoned professional address these issues from clinical experience. That way, it really cannot be reasonably disputed. This video is going to educate so many people; hopefully including some who use these EXACT STATEMENTS due to their ignorance, naivete or willful lack of empathy when addressing men in these types of relationships. The frustration of consistently dealing with any of these signs of exposure over an extended period of time, (like in a marriage and/or when children are involved) is an explanation for why many men become depressed and resigned to possibly dying at his partner's hands, (especially if she randomly threatens to poison him while cooking dinner)! You're confused, you actually love her and want to help her, you have a family together, you made vows, you have your own issues too, it's embarrassing as a man, etc, etc. This video hit the nail on the head. I am grateful that you made a video bringing awareness to this issue, so that anybody who may currently be in this situation can feel encouraged and possibly share it with their own family, friends, lawyers, etc. and figure out the best way to handle their situation. Excellent advice, Doc! Not all relationships can be salvaged. And the sad part is, when the partner waits too long to truly address the issues, their innocent children often suffer as a result of their relationship conflicts. Thanks again for educating the masses! I'm sure this will resonate with many and save some lives along the way.💪🏽💪🏽
So helpful, thankyou. The amount of blame shifting from my BPD partner has almost sent me crazy. Although i am very concerned for the amount of suffering my partner undergoes with this condition, it was very grounding and reassuring to hear the effects on the partner (me). This helps me to realise i am not im fact, going insane.
Had a breakup 2 months ago with an (undiagnosed) girl after 4 years and I'm 99% she has BDP - constantly changing moods, nothing was ever good enough, it felt like I'm with a different person every 2 weeks, frequently changing interests, goals and values, shouting with no reason at all (at me and her family members), she tried to act masculine from time to time, very disorganized, trying to act and sound smarter than she actually is, always asked for some kind of validation, openly stating to me that she's "unique"... Also, definitely caries unprocessed CPTSD from childhood due to physical abuse from her father and having a life threatening operation, both around age of 14.... and when our relationship ended, she said "I want to be alone for a long time, I need to work on myself". I said to her "Trust me, you won't be alone".
One month later, she found another guy, another "soulmate", deeply "in love" and he "understands her like no one before", just the things she said to me after just few weeks of our relationship.
And there goes another cycle of hers.
They will never change.
There is something so calming about the cadence of your videos. Intro, in-depth review of subject, and same wrap up in every video. My husband is amused by my excitement when you upload another video 😂
Same here LOL
Ha here too
Thank you. I have BPD and feel saddened by what you said. I intentionally never marry because of my diagnosis. I am not on the scale of physically hurting anyone ever. It is only myself that I hurt physically. I am treated btw.
I always tell any possible partner of my condition very early on. I think a lot of my partners don’t believe me. I am so sorry that having BPD makes so many other people suffer. It just sucks for all of us. If you are in danger, please leave.
That's very responsible of you. Unfortunately for me my partner wasn't diagnosed until after she cheated midway through the relationship. Now she ran off and is with him and about 6 other men after a lot of time energy money blood sweat and tears. I'm glad she's out of my life because she most certainly could have ruined it but the pain is almost unbearable. I really feel damaged right now. I wish I had known I would have never even met her.
My partner with bpd (ex now) is male and I'm female. All that you said is accurate and for me it was extreme, i have severe ptsd from the cruelty, the frequent abandonments, the verbal and physical abuse. And yes I felt it was almost a fait accomplis that I would die and I felt to blame by staying. So I had a note in the house for police explaining that i was aware that he had bpd and that i knew by staying that there was a risk I may die and to take into account his disorder and the fact I placed myself in harms way. To hopefully take some blame myself and make things less bad for him. I disagree with my then thought processes completely now. But I was living in an upside down world then. It's only luck I'm still alive and even though my body survived, the relationship destroyed me mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, socially, and left me a shell of a person.
This video is the only resource I can find on this topic. You hit the head on the nail. I wish there were more researcher on this topic and just how damaging this personality disorder can be to people with prolonged exposure.
Randomly attacked for seemingly no reason. Powerlessness. Your video is a documentary of my past relationship
You nailed it. I am surprised how accurate your signs are--truely 100% spot-on. All of the elements listed were common to my own experience to the nth degree. I laughed out loud when you mentioned law enforement interactions--never in my life did I have any meaningful proximity to police, but I grew very used to their presence.
For anyone in this sort of relationship, please read Stop Walking On Eggshells.
Get. Out.
"Get.Out." Yes.
You beat me to it. Absolutely 100% bang on.
@Ambiguous Nut Case 😢
People with BPD can have healthy relationships. It's not fair to paint everyone with the same brush. Since there are 9 diagnostic criteria and you don't have to have all of them to be diagnosed, there are many combinations of symptoms and everyone's expression of those symptoms is different.
Gina Marie exactly!! Some of these comments really fricken hurt 😞 having BPD sucks and people make sure it's clear you are not wanted around
it’s impressive how detailed and wise how comprehensive your discussions are, notably including practical insights about lived experience. thx.
I grew up with a mother with borderline. Very important for a society to be aware of. This is a very good video, summing up the exposure of bpd.
I'm a week free of leaving my BPD gf after a little over a year together. I feel like I'm the one with BPD. This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm not sure if anything she told me was true or not. She is a master manipulator to the point it's scary. She would change from crying no tears to full on anger outbursts in a second.
I was isolated from the people I love. Her episodes were hours long and she would start arguments and then blame it all on me when I would react angrily that we were fighting about nothing. She would follow me from room to room berating me and yelling. She would block me from leaving the house when I tried to escape the argument and get space from her. I would tell her to stop and to leave me alone and she just couldn't. I would try and sleep and she would keep me awake and keep the fight going to the point it made me want to lash out at her.
It's been an absolute nightmare. She called the police during our last fight that she started and that she kept going for 5 hours and that was the catalyst for me leaving. I left with what I could gather and now I'm just trying to find my sanity again. She even tried to get me to go back to her a few days later. Never ever going back.
Imagine a relationship where the wife has BPD and the husband is narcissistic....it’s true. Talk about a lot of chaos and violence.
War of the roses
Trauma bonds....happens every time. Like a moth to a flame.
I feel bad for the children...
@@jpch8814 i feel bad for all people when i do to much xPD research ... i shouldn't do this to myself 😅
@@4everu984 Jeez, everyone's an expert now because they watched a couple of videos on RUclips. How annoying.
I would love if you could cover "Quiet BPD"...
I was diagnosed over a year ago, and don't identify with A LOT of the information out there. (But some)
I "act in", rarely "out", (although have in my youth).
Thanks for the content. 👌🏼
He already did. Here's the link dear.
ruclips.net/video/6LuSfLd5mbQ/видео.html
Out of curiosity Jenna, how do you find this BPD manifests when you drink? Does the Quiet get replaced by the repressed BPD traits (which you keep hidden due to the unsuitability of these behaviours in daily life)?
I would love to see this in the context of this video “partners of people with quiet BPD” because I have QBPD and no one would guess I have the illness if I didn’t say anything. My outbursts are ‘inbursts’ that affect me, consequently affecting my partner.
@@shaggyalonso Not at all, in my opinion.
I drink probably every other week, always when going out, usually with my partner.
If anything I'm just more giggly and boisterous. Not problematic or volatile at all.
I think it just really depends on what kind of "drunk" you are, if you know what I mean?
I also don't drink to excess, I know my limits and rarely even have a hangover. (I'm 32 if that matters)
@@mattg7952 Thank you so much!
I have a son with a borderline. It was an entrapment pregnancy designed to keep from moving away for my career. It didn’t work, and I moved away. Nonetheless, through my relationship with our son she was able to wreak absolute emotional chaos in my life. Eventually, in order to protect my wife and our son from the borderline’s drama, I had to move on from the situation. It proved to be a very positive decision, though not an easy one. A very good psychologist helped me unwind the damage that long term interaction with the borderline caused.
Thanks so much. I’m a BPD abuse survivor. 6 months out and I know I did the right thing but I’m still in withdrawal and think about her. Pw BPD say ‘I hate you, don’t leave’ their partners saying should be ‘I love you, you are terrible’.
My untreated BDP (maybe a covert narcissist too) partner for 5 years ended up devaluing me and having as her favorite new person a "friend" of mine that clearly has grandiose narcissistic traits. We have a daughter. Adding up the 5 years of abuse plus the double betrayal I ended up with severe PTSD symptoms, all of them.
I am working my ass out as a single dad to snap out of this "dark night of the soul" situation because I don't plan on letting this shit linger inside of me for years. Life is too short to dwell in the past and waste precious time living in trauma.
She had anger outbursts, mainly screaming and name calling. She didn't get physical with me but she festered on our daughter that was starting to show trauma symptoms, injuring herself out of frustration.
She also had abandonment issues and extreme jealously. Trying to talk to her was the impossible. Jumpy, reactive, gaslighting as a norm, blame shifting, etc
It truly is like being hit by a truck several times.
After 20 years I’m free now from my bpd wife. Regrettably she passed away soon afterwards, I suffer from guilt because of this tho I know I shouldn’t and I’m embarrassing to say out loud, a year and a half later I think i may even be suffering from some kind of ptsd. :( thank you for this video.
Another outstanding discussion about personality disorders. The exceptional understanding conveyed here should serve as a warning to all of us against tolerating a romantic partner who "behaves badly." We are powerless to assist them, and it is not our responsibility to do so. Leave the person, and even better, avoid getting involved, if you sense a person is "off," regardless of how attractive he or she may be.
Wow! I am so glad that you created this video! I identified so much with several of the affects, I actually brought hope! Something I have almost lost!
This is EXACTLY the relationship with my ex. Every fight we ever had she started. I never knew where I was with her. I was a pariah for years, everyone else sided with her and I was seen as not being good enough for her. When she inevitably left, she had absolutley no empathy whatsoever of the position she left me in. Only years later (far too late for me) did everyone realise the reality of the situation after she pretty much abandoned everyone including people who cared about her, such was her paranoia. She moved away and cut off all contact with friends leaving everyone in a state of wtf! I was like 'see, told you!' They only ever see themselves as the victim.
Thank you so much for this video.
I'm in recovery at the moment and I showed this to my ex and she completely related.
It was really painful to see the effects our relationship had on her.
She felt herd and validated. And hopefully will be able to heal.
And I hope to learn, I so deeply want to be able to in that place without causing such hurt.
Thank you so much.
This is the difference between BPD and NPD. An NPD would never even care to validate what there partner goes through or went through because if them.
Thank you for all that information. I am living with a woman with BPD. She has been more physically and verbally abusive for the last couple of years. We have been together for almost 10 years. She is now starting to stab things with knives. She used to only destroy her own things but now she is cutting and stabbing my things. I have become fearful of even going home.
Don’t walk away . RUN away . What destruction they can cause . Sorry if this hurts feelings but as a friend of a bpd it’s rough I wouldn’t be able to handle anything closer like an intimate relationship.
I was in a relationship with a woman with BPD. While she could be most enjoyable socially & in private, she was always secretive & distrusting. She was also excessively controlling. Consequently, the relationship had it's continual limits. Ultimately, she left me because of my limits. In the end of the relationship, I suffered a 4mo depression & some PTSD. The relationship was 3yrs in length. It'll probably take me a yr to get past, even with the counseling that I engaged. However, I believe that I'll always have fond & dear memories of her.
Doctor Grande you’re an amazing person and your knowledge and ability to deliver the knowledge in such a simple manner is spot on
I felt trapped in a relationship with a BPD... after my brothers suicide, I was an emotional wreck. She made attempts to comfort me when I was at my most depressed... but when I wasn't depressed, she was incredibly depressed over her relationships with family so I would support her... and she even mentioned that she would commit suicide if I ever left her, which made it impossible for me to actually break up with her when I wanted to. I couldn't face having 2 suicides on my conscience, so I stayed with her for years when I really just wanted out. I finally bit the bullet and broke up with her, she had a mental breakdown and then immediately found a random guy on a dating site to get back at me within a week (who also got her pregnant)
I'm so glad I'm free, and I'm glad she didn't actually go through with any suicide attempts. That was a hard lesson, for the years I was with her, I was wondering what was wrong with her and with me... but finding out she was clinically diagnosed as borderline after I broke up with her, it makes a lot of sense now...
While it can be scary to have your partner threaten suicide, it's much better to leave that relationship. If this happens in future relationships don't be afraid to just call the police if you are scared they will actually do it.
Threatening suicide to keep someone around is not love. It's abuse.
My current partner is not threatening suicide, but she talks about how she doesn't want to be alive, wishes she was dead and tells me she will end up killing herself, how she's bought a rope etc. -- it's not a direct threat, but that is more scary as it feels like a genuine possibility.
I need to escape this so very much, it's horrible.
@@Synchrodipity you should definitely rethink your relationship. I can't tell you what exactly to say or do.
In my exerience... I said, "I just need to take a week off from hanging out everyday and just focus on what I need to do with my life for a bit." (Parahprasing)
That alone made her automatically assume that I had another women on the side, which I didn't... and after a few days of me not driving to see her, she started freaking out and spamming me with texts and calls while I was at work.
She didn't answer me after that week was over, I later found out she had a mental breakdown and went to the hospital and then was diagnosed with BPD and also went into therapy...
Idk, she had a lot of issues over her family and she couldn't stand it if I talked to any other women even if I had to because they are my co-workers who also have their own relationships.
It was a weird experience for those years. I am glad I am free.
@@Synchrodipity I hope that things get better for you. And that your able to break free from this toxic relationship. Hopefully you both can get individual counseling and you can move forward with your life.
This is VERY much like living with a sibling with BPD. Thanks for yet another entertaining and informative video!
I was in a relationship with bpd girl for 3 years. The symptoms were not too strong, but i realized that I got mental illness.
She was moody, very angry if you didn't do anything that she wanted, she asked me to stop connecting with any girls, even my colleagues. When I wanted to leave her, she told me to kill herself. But she broke up a lot and came back several times.
Please care of yourself.
this is a very underrated topic but an extreme epidemic. Literally I went through every single thing in this list, if I can turn back time and never meet my ex-girlfriend I would 100% do that. She completely damaged me, she was never able to accept fault for things that she did wrong, she was the definition of borderline and I regret ever meeting her. I really hope I recover soon
I've been studying psychology for almost 30 years and I have to say that you're incredibly good at telling how the events/situations can be look exactly 👍
You absolutely nailed it.
I'm sitting here after two years wondering why I've no friends. Barely able to work. Lost weight. Lack of confidence. Yesterday I was sitting here wondering if I was going to be arrested after yet another Police intervention but one I had nothing to do with. Police failed to communicate with as well.
It's all so sad. For us both. I know I'm half the man I was. She hasn't changed at all.
Leave
This was an excellent video Dr. Grande!
Wow, how difficult and sad a relationship as such must be.
I think education is essential and obviously treatment as well. That’s why what you do is of paramount importance Dr. Grande. You are educating the community in so many valuable topics. In addition, the information you present is scientifically informed making you a trustworthy channel for the community. That’s the main reason why I subscribed to your channel, because everything you say is backed up by science.
Thank you again!
He is great!
I had to ask my wife of nine and a half years to leave our home this past summer. I had concluded that she was deeply narcissistic … but a lot of these things sound a lot like her as well.... according to her she had anxiety, and some OCD. I'm in recovery for CPTSD, as my father was/is NPD (officially ), for the record , I have ADHD as well (late diagnosis, two years ago this month, a week prior to my 47th bday).
She was NEVER physically abusive. Though, towards the end, her deep need to invalidate and devalue me caused her to put me in literal existential danger on more than one occasion. She spent considerable energy, over a period of years, being hypercritical and trying to convince me that I was "just like" my father - a year into the relationship I had shared with her my DEEP fear that I was just like him - and she reassured me that I was nothing like him as I am I touch with my empathy, and I have no problem apologizing and holding myself accountable for my actions....did I mention she was an actor?
A very accurate description. I found that I had to get a door between me and the verbal abuse and then it wasn't so bad if it wasn't face to face. I felt like fitting bolts to the door of the spare room so I could lock myself in until she calmed down. I didn't want to hurt her and shutting her out was the safest option.
I'm in a relationship with someone with bpd for many years. I feel like you nailed it. And if I say anything about how I feel I'm "playing the victim". Its an ongoing cycle that hasn't stopped for around 10 years. I feel like I am trapped because I do love her and want to make it work but I also fear for my future with this partner. You never know what will happen to you if you stick around and when they're gone and took away your everything what do you do then?
You get your life back. Get out of the toxicity and get your life back.
Just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone with BPD. We broke up and got back together over the years about 17 times. This time I dont want them back! I feel so free and I'm not walking on eggshells all the time and I can just live my own life and not have to worry about what kind of mood my partner is going to be in. It turned into abuse. Be free!!!!
I dated a girl for 7 years... when things got tough she’d constantly gaslight me about us breaking up just so I would overcompensate wanting you stay together but to fix things, I’d blame myself and she would basically forget she ever said anything. She would constantly belittle and devalue me, and when things got really bad she would sometimes finally break down, apologize, and say she’d “work on it” and it was good for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks but she’d always revert to devalue me. I’ve dated women and I always loved just messing around and wrestle/tickle, goof off... but I never could with my X-BPD because even though she’d try and goof around there would be a switch in her eyes where she would go cold and look at me like she wanted to kill me. The weirdest shift ever I can’t explain there was this look in her eyes... She’d constantly tell me that it was all about me and my world, but the reality is she was projecting... it was all about her and her needs... because if at any time if something was wrong guess who’s fault it always was...mine.
It sounds more like a narcissist
Lola Gul you might be right... I’m still working it out myself... been in therapy for a year now... however when it comes to NPD she could and would display wide arrays of emotion and at times had empathy enough to cry for movies and etc, but was more than capable of turning that off when it came to conflict resolution, she’d have none.
Covert narcissist
I was not aware of the term Borderline Personality Disorder until months before my wife of 31 years passed away. From the very start of our relationship, began to experience many of these indicators until a few years in. Now I realize I was experiencing ALL 10 of these indicators/symptoms. Her passing was rather sudden in that she developed cancer that ultimately took her life withing 6 months.
This information is very helpful in trying to reconcile my own mental health. I'm in a new marriage to a partner who is a highly skilled medical professional and understands the dynamics associated with BPD. Thank you for your post and information.
I love your calm teaching style! Thank you Dr. Grande 💕
Hello, I discovered your videos recently and wanted to say thank you. I was given a diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder last year and while I already had spent some time looking at the information available, a lot of the explanations and information you share have helped me greatly to understand a lot about what this diagnosis is about and also to have stronger ideas for what I can focus on with therapeutic treatment, once this is available. I like that you take a balanced and realistic approach to the subjects you’re discussing, and I think that once I feel safe to engage in relationships again, many of your videos will be a great resource to share with people to help explain BPD.
i have bpd and dont ever really have romantic relationships, I dont know how people can do it
@Cassie I'd like to ask - if you are fully aware you have BPD and what the symptoms are, does that make you less likely to behave inappropriately, or is it like a red mist descends and you just can't control yourself?
@Cassie So knowing you have the condition versus being oblivious doesn't really change anything then?
MY GF is also BPD, but refuses to acknowledge or get any help, so I can't have a productive discussion with her about it.
You sound like if you have a boyfriend you could have that discussion, which must help a lot.
I’ve BPD and am asexual and thank god! It gave me a free pass out of that shit show!
Love content like this that gives me further insight on my past relationship, I'm a recovering addict and dated someone with BPD. I still care for them and have immense love for them but this is incredibly accurate. If you're dating someone with BPD you should be fully aware of their behaviours, I wish I had taken the time to educate myself as opposed to learning direclty from them so I was better prepared for the ongoing conflicts that we had. Thank you for this content.
this was excellent on every point. this guy was born wirth the empathy that many therapists do not have. thank you Grande.
My BPD partner actually said, "I'm going to kill you in your sleep!" It took me a while to understand that she was actually serious.
sure. serious.
@@nancyalywahby2784: See Jodi Arias.
I left my wife in December after a threat to kill me in my sleep. She had pointed a gun at me and tried to hit me with a car before. I decided not to stick around and wait for her to follow through or succeed. The biggest problem I've seen in encouraging therapy is that the individual with BPD believes they don't need it because all their emotions and subsequent actions they feel are justified and a result of everyone else not behaving to their liking
I had no idea this is what I was going through. Thank you for this video.
I just had a friend do an emotional drive-by on me. Having healed from CPTSD (myriad abuse ongoing, growing up), I have power-boundaries and my response to manipulation is one that is firm and clear, and no BS. She simply called me “aggressive” for asserting myself and continued in her delusion. Reflecting on the experience and her full suite of behavior, it became clear that there was some splitting taking place, and the fabrication of problems where there weren’t any in order to create an abandonment scenario to sabotage the relationship. Honestly, I questioned this initially as narcissism, but the distinct pattern of BPD is evident here. I’d like to support her to get help, but I’m not sure if I even want to contact her because, again, power-boundaries.
I had a mental breakdown when I was in a relationship with my BPD partner.
It's a very serious thing.
I ended up staying with her to be cheated on.
The impression she gave was that I deserved it because i didnt meet her impossible needs.
This video was eye opening and validating for me. My borderline relationship was years ago but i still revist this video and it lingers over me. I pray for whoever she ends up with.
Thank you Dr. G. It was a very simple and informative list. I think I may have developed some of them as my ex exhibited signs of bi polar/bpd. We were together for 5 years and I didn't realize the paranoia was related to the bpd exposure. Thank you again. I love your videos.
I was involved with a woman with "Quiet" BPD who is high functioning so most of these signs never occurred. Perhaps a video on those signs someday?
Instead everything went seemingly perfectly until she broke up with me over nothing. I was of course then in sign #1 of having no clue what happened or why. It took me over a year of trying to reestablish a relationship to even figure out what was going on. But the Quiet BPD, rather than being clingy and frantic to Hoover someone back in isolates and pushes away to avoid being hurt by what they believe will be the inevitable abandonment.
In some ways I suspect it's harder to disengage from a Quiet one than an Externalizing one. While they do the splitting/idealization/devaluation and push-pull thing and might occasionally emotionally dysregulate and do the paranoia thing [in our case only once] they internalize and hide all the rage and threats and abuse to such an extent the partner doesn't necessarily have a reason to want to end the relationship. Instead of being pursued by an emotional train wreck I found myself pursuing a kind of Sphinx who, it took me many months to realize, was much more than just a girl afraid of being hurt.
But untreated they're no more capable of a stable and healthy relationship than a conventional case of BPD.
This was my situation and it really is a wild ride. The not knowing why and how it got so bad. I still get the urge to be with her but i know deep down this is not a healthy relationship to be in at all
I haven't spoken with my ex in 3 weeks she blocked me on everything after splitting and the hardest thing to come to terms with is if she ever even loved me at all or if it was all a game.
@Danielle Bridgeman ironically enough we actually texted all day yesterday after 3 weeks NC and thing s seemed"ok"she updated me on life we hashed some stuff out and had a positive overall interaction. She texted me this morning asking wyd i responded and havent heard from her since 830 am nd she still didnt unblock me. She for sure is Borderline but yes its starting to look like she has strong narc tendencies
I want to share the fact that some BPD afflicted persons are also skilled at manipulating the legal system, as well as shelters for abused spouses and their associated counselors. Here in Wyoming, your spouse can legally destroy anything and everything that you own. That's right, they can go off on a violent outburst and throw bricks through your windshield, batter down bedroom doors with a hammer, slash tires, take a hammer to electronics, or anything else they feel will hurt you the most. Beware, it gets pretty expensive pretty quick, and you can probably get charged with domestic assault if you try to stop the violence. I wonder how many other states are like Wyoming? Protect yourselves, wear a body cam, record everything, as they will try their absolute best to bait you into legal trouble.
you don't know how much I needed this. when you started speaking on the fear of being killed by your BPD partner I burst into tears. how horrible it is to hear and to live like that is accepted just as you said also. mine is in jail waiting for 2 court dates in 2 different counties for domestic assault over 2 months ago. in a 4 year relations ship the last 9 months he had become violent and the 1st 2 years things were so good. I didnt Kno anything about bpd at all and only learned after he went to jail and I started researching what could have happened because I knew something must be wrong. I thought he was going to kill me that day. if he had made it to the woods where we almost were I think he mite have. in a rage it was all he could see. what I have been struggling with since the minute I ran that day is this..il would have let him. I probably would have done whatever he said and let him. I didn't fight back the times he hurt me. why? why why why when most of the times I had a knife near me but I knew I would have to hurt him and could kill him and I couldn't. what is wrong with me? up until a few minutes ago I thought I was just me. keep making these for the ones of us who damaged ourselves badly by loving these people. I love that man I can't lie and idk what to do when he is released. if he is raging there will be trouble;.
I am sorry to interfere with my opinion, but mental disorder is no excuse to accept abuse and disrespect. It doesn't matter the condition, you are not his psychiatrist. At all costs your and others safety should be priority. I assume it is difficult to run away for various reasons but consulting attorneys, domestic violence support centers could be a place to start. I think support network is very, very important in this case, and should be priority number 1, because you are not alone in this and additionally- the right people, knowledge and resources are crucial to figuring a way to resolve the situation in a safe and effective way. Beware that domestic violence support centers deal with various situations and would have ideas, contacts,resources and information which most people lack. Again, beware that most people in your situation would feel frightened and confused, because of the isolation the partner aims and the constant emotional and psychological/physical abuse. This means that you can get through this! You are incredible and capable human being which doesn't deserve this attitude from anyone. I am sending love and healing, I wish you strength on you journey!
I’m in a relationship right now with someone I strongly suspect has bpd but doesn’t have the money for a therapist. This video cleared a lot up for me. I’ve been struggling a lot with our relationship and feeling inadequate and paranoid. I can’t do it anymore
Run! Trust me. You can’t help them. They are mentally I’ll and you will be too if you don’t get out! Go No Contact!
This is the best and most accurate video on the subject I have ever seen.
Thank you for your insight. I got out of a relationship 2 years ago. It was the hardest thing to do but I was tired of living in fear of the aggression and threats to my life. If they would eventually manifest who knows but the overall stress was not healthy. I am a better person today for breaking free.
And I'm no longer in contact with him since then.
Not healthy for either of us.
We left things on a positive note and well wishes for the future.
Thanks for your videos😊I wonder why we BPD people can feel normal and happy (and be high function at work) for days and suddenly everything comes back😂.
Because the condition manifests in romantic relationships, the favourite person. Work colleagues etc you don't worry about being abandoned by them! I hope I read your question correctly and sorry if I didn't .
Thanks bro I don’t think you understand how helpful this video is, especially the last few minutes.
Can you do a video on Friendships with a high functioning borderline? Do you recommend it or not and what are some criteria to go by? (setting boundaries). I had a friendship with a borderline but the confrontation of “why aren’t you answering your phone” if I missed 1 day of talking to her was TOO MUCH. Also contacting my job to find me was a little creepy when she hadn’t heard from me. Other than that, she was a a caring friend with a ton of personality, but those behaviors are a big trigger for me. (Don’t like it). I didn’t like being “Favorite Person.”
You made this video in a supersweet manner. I agree on all points - under the assumption that the partner doesn't have PD-like behaviours and problems himself. I don't know how often this form of a couple do exist: 'healthy & superkind man plus borderline woman'. In this case of course the troubled person, here the BPD, dominates the dynamics in the couple. In case its the classique BPD-NPD couple the NPD thrives due to BPD's symptoms, this is what feeds the narcissism and gives the NPD Person the desired poleposition. The picture is very different.
Thank you very much for this. 🙂
Absolutely. 100% correct, imo. I posted a similar comment earlier but deleted it after reading yours; yours is much more concise and gets right to the point! Thank you for this.
@@littlemiss8770 Thank you so much for your kind comment! Next time you don't delete your comment, the doctor enjoys them all!
@@mrs.reluctant4095 Haha, you're welcome, but I should be the one thanking you. Expressing my thoughts in writing is not one of my strong suits. If you ask me a question, I'll usually write a detailed and redundant novel. You conveyed exactly what I was trying to say in a much more concise manner. In my opinion, your comment is significant because you emphasized crucial points that I think most people overlook when talking about BPD in relationships. I'll take your advice but try to keep my comments shorter in the future. :-)
I absolutely love you for this man, I was with a girl for 5 years who had bpd. I felt like I lost myself I was completely miserable. Every thing you spoke about was spot on I'm just now starting to understand. Thankyou my friend
Me (has BPD): lowers volume when partner comes in
Partner: thinks I’m watching porn because my face is red. Shame looks the same.
Literally happened to me. So frustrating.
I related to a lot of this, some of the symptoms of BPD seemed almost to be contagious. Guilt and shame and paranoia.
It can seem like this...It might well be an artifact of interpersonal projective identification. If so, look out! Detach! Even with awareness it's so hard to interrupt this pattern and it can start to work both ways, as you've noticed.
I just left a relationship with a partner who might've had BPD. She was told by 2 therapists that it was bipolar but she felt it was more BPD than anything. Thankfully she agreed to therapy and I think she did go to at least the first appointment (it was for a really solid DBT program) and I wish her all the best. It's just sad that I spent so much time trying to get her well and focusing all on her when I was so sick. Now that I'm out of it, I think part of me being sick was stress from handling her. It really was all about her all the time.
Im living with my gf with BPD. Everything you said is exactly what I'm dealing with. No matter what it's always me. I know it's not always her or it's her fault but I'm trying so hard.
How's it going? Can you give an update?
@@rustyrivers7118 Hey, thank you for the reply. I want to first say that my gf and I are together happy now. It took over a year and while it was a huge struggle, it worked out in the end. Early in the year, I went to therapy due to a lot of emotional abuse from the relationship. What made it hurt was the fact that she made it seem like I needed to cause in her mind I was the problem. I ignored her and went there to focus on myself, but also learned about BPD and how to approach it. My therapist was a specialist in disorders and he really listened and guide me to better understand it and how to live with it. With this, we had a huge argument and I confronted her about this relationship. I told her I want to help her and really want to be with her, but all the lies, projecting, crude behavior, no ownership of responsibility were really taking a toll on us emotionally, and I told her that if she wasn't willing to accept that and work together to help her towards her path of healing, I told her that I couldn't help her and that I needed to do what I need to do for my own mental health. She then went into a frenzy, accusing me of minuscule things about me trying to deflect, but I stood my ground, didn't raise my voice, and calmly asserted that while I do have problems of my own, They're are not part of this conversation, nor is it the problem we're facing. I pretty much acted like a brick wall, and because of that she was really getting desperately mad and kept yelling accusation after accusation. She realized that she couldn't gaslight me nor deflect the situation, and because of that she was really getting desperate. After 4 hours of this, she then broke down and told her childhood pain(which is why she developed bpd). I listened and comfort her, and from that, we came together and really build our relationship. She took it upon herself to see someone and I've been by her side to help.
Now everything is great. She takes it upon herself to realize when she goes to far and apologizes when she was in the wrong. Of course, there are still moments here and there when she gets upset, but for the most part I forget that she even has bpd. I want the record to show that everyone's different, and at the end of the day you gotta do what's right for youand for your own mental health, but there is a way to work on this and with enough understanding and ALOT of patience, you can really improve your relationship with someone who has BPD and really help them on the path towards healing.
I love you all
@@joe16730 thanks for replying. I have been in a relationship with a quiet borderline for 15 years. I could have wrote word for word what you just wrote, only difference is I experienced it over and over. They cycle. They reset. Wash, clean repeat. Been the story of my 15 years with her. I'm glad your circumstance has allowed you 2 to come back together...but, keep your eyes open. And I hope you don't hate me for saying this, I recommend secretly putting a GPS tracking device on her vehicle. If I can be of any help. Let me know.
Wow I felt this.
"With Borderline Personality Disorder it is not unusual to see behaviour consistent with vulnerable narcissism, for example we see shame, hypersensitivity to criticism, resentfulness and distrust. Along with those characteristics comes this idea of playing the victim. With BPD we see a lack of ownership, we don't see them taking responsibility for their actions but rather framing every situation as them being the victim.
As the individual with BPD talks to her friends and relatives she tends to shift the blame for her negative emotions over to her partner. Those people might believe that the partner is responsible for what's going on.
They might say "If she really attacked you, why didn't you fight back?" Among the many reasons why the partner won't fight back, the partner knows the tendency of playing the victim which we see with the Borderline. The partner worries that he is going to be falsely accused of being the aggressor.
We know from the research literature that a woman with BPD who attacks her partner is often injured in that process, and the partner knows that he may very well get blamed.
He may hear the question "What did you to to make her that way?" So squarely shifting the blame onto the partner. Sometimes the friends and relatives eventually figure out what's really going on, and people see the pattern eventually".
Two years on from a relationship I didn't even want to be in and I'm still picking up the pieces. 40 pounds in weight lost. Mental health affected. I will never be the person I once was.
Very informative and striking at how I identify with all the effects on a partner, including major depression and PTSD. I ended up hospitalized and suicidal 7 years ago and needing 45 ECT treatments. I ended up having to get my friend to drive me for many of those treatments because they were an inconvenience to my wife. She works 2-3 days/week part time. So frustrating. Thanks for posting. It’s nice to know that I’m not just a terrible, evil person as is continually reinforced...
It’s a perfect analysis I checked every single one of these 10
Me to. Your not alone, I hope you got out
With the help of these videos I've come to the conclusion that my partner does indeed suffer from a personality disorder (meets many criteria for Borderline, Vulnerable Narcissist and also Dependent) obviously I am not trying to diagnose, simply understand the years of abuse I've suffered. To complicate matters more I believe I'm suffering from severe social anxiety that could certainly be classified as Avoidant personality disorder. I know I will lose all my material possessions when I leave but homelessness is beginning to seem preferable to living in this nightmare any longer. I've lost all my relationships with family and friends already so if I end up wandering the streets with a backpack full of clothes and some books, I will pay that price to have the chance at starting over.
How are you doing today?
Your videos on this topic have been very validating to me, Dr. Grande. Thank you so much!
Just got out of a 6 month relationship with one. My advice leave and block can't help them, only they can.
I'm here because a woman I'm seeing for 6 months now has BPD. I keep seeing her as a person though. The major thing that happens to me is triggering my 'own' BPD-traits.
I don't have BPD however, although I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was young possibly because of an unsafe emotional childhood and attachment issues (trauma).
My life in the last 6 months went from relatively calm towards pretty hectic, especially if I look at my internal emotional control and increase of sensations of stress.
I get inner hints that I should leave her and during a discussion with her, she knows for some reason unconsciously how to push buttons to make me insecure about myself; isn't it me, am I wrong, she is right at some points, etc. I start to believe I have intimacy issues.
This seems to be dragging me down, although I find it an interesting path of self-development. I wonder if there are more people here who resonate with what I say. I'd love to see some perspectives.
There aren't winners in this and there aren't losers either. For me I yet see it as an incapability to end the relationship and move on.
For sure, I’ve been through hell with my current gf who I think has bpd and I’m just recently learning about it. It’s definitely been enlightening and almost therapeutic for me to learn about what I’ve experienced, and it’s definitely a great opportunity to learn about yourself too. The hardest obstacle is to maintain the mental toughness that I requires in order to sustain these relationships, I don’t think many people (rightly so) are capable of doing this
How'd it end up?
Went through a breakup over Labor Day weekend with my boyfriend who has BPD, and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. Silent treatment, shifting blame, told me he never loved me. Refused to talk to me on the phone to get it all sorted, would only text. It was so damn frustrating, and I still can't figure what happened.
As someone experiencing C-PSTD after a 6 year relationship with a pwBPD (personwithBPD), I can tell you from experience, that you probably won't ever figure out what happened. You are that person's everything and they probably are too, then all of sudden you're being treated like garbage and are nothing to them. Logically thinking people can't understand the mind of a pwBPD because a pwBPD thoughts & behaviors are centered & focused around their own emotions, which to them are very intense & chaotic. Emotions are intrinsic to a pwBPD's being. You won't get an explanation or any sort of closure, with the pwBPD feeling either no remorse or overwhelming guilt /shame when you tell them or they realize they gravely wronged you, to the point where they block it out & you from their lives to prevent themselves from experiencing those feelings; thus denying your reality in favor of their own, be it intentionally or subconsciously.
And you are left looking for answers & trying to make sense of it all when it doesn't. This can seriously affect your mental health & put your nervous system in dysregulation if you are not aware of the detrimental nature cluster B personality disorders can have on people. If you're really struggling and/or having trouble moving past what happened, I suggest you seek counseling or therapy to free yourself from the damage this kind of relationship has on the partner without BPD during a devalue/discard phase. What you should NOT do is allow the emotional abuse & psychological mind games to continue if you want the relationship reconciled into a healthier one. Set clear boundaries, otherwise it'll be more devastating and harder to move on, later on, the longer you deal with it or tolerate the abuse/bad behaviors/hostility/cruelty/vindictiveness, etc.
@@AS8Cend I so appreciate your reply. I am going to read it a few more times to fully understand all you are saying. Again, thank you for replying, because this has been one of the most devastating experiences I've ever had.
darn this hit home hard.. i entered a relationship at 17 with a girl that had borderline and she was extremely paranoid of me cheating (which i have never done anyway) so we isolated ourself, and she got worse and worse, she often beat me and very frequently ran to the kitchen to get a knife and threaten to kill me or herself.. i lost all my friends, barely saw family and i believe either one of us was gonna end up dead one day.
Everytime i tried to leave she stalked me and could persuade me to get back.. after we finished for good i fell into a depression and loathed myself with drugs and alcohol, now we're 10 years later, im getting better, i'm clean, but i'm not the happy person i was before
My first relationship was with someone who had BPD, worst relationshit ever! Don’t move together with people like these, it will traumatize you. It was such an exhausting emotional rollercoaster, the splitting will make you mad too and the rage is scary. I was left with C-PTSD after living for one year with someone who I tried to help and love, it’s impossible and pointless. Only if they have been for years in DBT therapy and admit that they are the problem then just maybe the relationship might be worth it, otherwise forget it. The affection and great sex in the beginning is only there to hook you in, but you will pay a high price for it. They are not called emotional vampires without a reason.
Now imagine that relationship starts at early teens where your personality is not even fully developed, and imagine having it on and off + distance relationship at times and often with years of not talking, for 9 years because you’re codependent as a result of being raised by 2 narcissists that were never emotionally available to a highly sensitive kid that really needed it and helped me develop deep sense of guilt and unworthiness, pair it up with good economic status of my family in an environment where it’s rare and get complete isolation, and unavailability to share the struggle with anyone else because of the stigma “at least you don’t have to worry about how to feed yourself”. I’m a wreck of a person and only this year i figured it was BPD and nothing else she was getting diagnosed with this past year after a big psychotic breakdown. I hope things will get normal one day, but on the bright-side at least im done with throwing my self under the bus, whether its with that particular relationship, drug abuse or anything in between. I pray its not too late and i pray for all of you too. Good luck.
25 years the love of my life the fiery little redhead finally dumping me I'm not sure what to think!up and down and all around I still love her!