The feeling of displeasing others can feel really really difficult to deal with, even when it's the right thing to do. I'm glad you said that we have to accept feeling this way in order to heal and get over the fawning response.
I was waiting for you to release this one because i KNEW it would be me. I'm the epitome of a caretaker type and don't know how to have relationships with family/friends when I'm not "merging and groveling", orbiting around everyone else's needs and throwing mine out the window... or completely distant because I'm actually taking care of myself. I realized that I sustain a lot of toxic connections that take advantage of my kindness, and I want to find more people I can be genuine with. Lots of work to do on myself. Thank you sharing this, your videos are so kind and informative.
Oh my gosh, this is my life! For 61 years, then I hit the wall. I had never set boundaries, I didn’t even realize how important it was to have them, it also explains why I tolerated these things, and why I was a raging “ nut case. I’m learning so much!
I was raised by a malignant narcissist. I read Pete Walkers book and I believe I am a fight-fawn type. I would defend my twin from my narcissist when she went on rages until she dominated me into submission. I also was parentified. I had jobs as a teen and went to school when my narcissist's husband was a deadbeat alcoholic. We provided grocery money yet weren't allowed to eat unless My guardian said we could. My twin and I cleaned the house everyday from top to bottom. If we missed one chore, we were raged at. We weren't allowed to hang out with friends until we cleaned the whole house down to cleaning the refrigerator daily. Even if we did do everything, many times she said we couldn't go anywhere. Trapped. My narcissist made a play schedule while I was in college (and had two jobs) to play with her daughter for hours so she didn't have to take care of her. After, I faught I had no choice but to fawn so the punishment wasn't as severe. I find myself doing this in my marriage but my fawning is more heartfelt. My husband is a good man so after I defend myself, I wind up apologizing because I was sharp or insensitive. Then I caretake and make sure he's ok. I feel crazy because I'm so hot and cold when triggered. Ugh.
Just wanted to say that I relate to all of this, especially the part about fawning and trying your hardest to do everything right and still often feeling trapped by the narcissistic parent. It would be great if that feeling would go away once you're no longer actually trapped with them, but it doesn't. Thank you for sharing. 💙
@@djer05010401 awwwwww I'm sorry you know what this is like too :/ I hope we both find healing. It's crazy how trauma leaves such scars on your brain. ♥️ We are survivors ♥️
Thank you for this video. The way my upbringing trained me and molded me was in a “anticipate and participate” mindset. I’ve always felt I was clocked-in at work since I was 8 years old. Exhausting.
Hurry up child as I go go go go. Trying to relax is hard but learned to but feel lazy now. I hear you! I have autoimmune now after a very toxic marriage
Wow. You’ve so perfectly described what I’ve been feeling all these years. Feeling clocked in at work, mentally and emotionally, since childhood ugh yes. Nevermind the fact that I did actually start working at 13 years old to help with the bills.
Absolutely foul how real this is. It felt like she was talking ABOUT me. I love all of you fawn types you are all beautiful people I know its very hard sometimes
I can identify with the fawn response, as well as fight, flight & freeze. Caretaker & pampering of my father whom I adored & revered; and craved & sought the love and attention of as a child - because of a feeling of abandonment beginning in the wound ; and continuing through my adulthood. Caretaker of my mother whom I feel indebted to as an adult. Caretaker of the men in my life, who abused me, cheated on me, lied to me & stole from me. The ultimate people pleaser of others, at the expense of myself. Asserting & establishing no boundaries & unable to say no. Feeling unappreciated, taken for granted & resentful. That’s me. Thanks for the succinct & accurate description of me, helping me to see myself. 😢
Me 1000%. Took on much of a parent role at a young age, kinda felt like a homemaker as a kid since my mom was always working and dad was gone. To this day, I get rageful when my mom says she is coming to visit. I rage clean and get so panicked and anxious. Then while she’s here I become a resentful hostess; begrudgingly doing whatever it take to keep her from making comments about anything related to the house or me.
Sounds so familiar!!! Be perfect clean and work all the time! No rest but thru the years I pushed thru that with quinine issues and just have boundaries but the comments about how others are worse off and I’m slacking
I noticed that when I’m triggered and I think someone is mad at me, my personality goes to a complete 180, and I become extremely submissive. I look down, I am desperately trying to hide tears, I barely speak, and in order to mask all this I will do or say whatever the person wants. I used to give certain people massages so that they were more calm throughout the day and didn’t explode later. I still do that sometimes. And whenever someone expresses being even slightly upset with me, I walk on eggshells and I’m overly apologetic and submissive. It’s something I’m trying to heal as I legit get scared of being hurt in some way if someone is angry. Or being abandoned.
@@Thomas_Winters therapy has been something that really helped me. I do recommend it when people are in a place that they can seek it out. Communicating my feelings to myself out loud is something that helped, which also helped me verbalize it to others.
I feel like I have recieved 25 years of therapy from RUclips videos since 2020. It has really helped. I was so scared during the beginning of the pandemic that I realized it felt like childhood. So I watched a lot of therapy videos. I can spot that sh%$ quick now. I have healed some but at least understand things better.
I'm with you on the 'codependency is for substance abuse not attachment theory' train. I think a lot of people see overlap and exploit the market for content that bridges the gaps in all self help psychology fields.
I am so glad this is finally being discussed..there are a few REALLY good people online that have been very helpful to me.. I discovered you a couple of days ago and am binge watching... You are OUTSTANDING...thank you for all your hard work..
I literally feel more heard by you than any other therapist. Like I’m at 5:03 and I’m like “I love her” I wish you were my therapist. Genuinely because I’m trying to heal.
This is my first time looking into this trauma type....and it really hit home for me. My parents divorced when I was 4, I was mostly with my mother until high school, so it was a long time of only seeing my dad every other weekend. Looking back, I realize I kind of became a counselor for my mom. Her negative emotions about my father, her job, money, food/her weight, my diet and weight, her friends/enemies/neighbors, etc were all fully exposed to me at a very very young age. Im not trying to point fingers but during this video that was all I could think about. I was so young and I was my mom's therapist and counselor. Now whenever I encounter the same situation, I become what I've grown to call "The Fixer". I have to fix everyones emotions and make sure theyre ok, while at the same time burying my own needs and wants and desires. I think this was a big reason that I got trapped in a 10 year relationship with an emotionally wounded, needy, narcissistic, toxic man. I'm out of it now thank GOD, but at the cost of nearly starving myself to death/consuming nothing but alcohol for months and on the verge of checking myself into a mental hospital. I'm convinced if I was still with him I would be either crazy or dead. I will be watching your other videos. Thank you so much. To anyone reading; we do get better 💕💕
I'm the youngest sibling and our family dynamic has an hierarchy system in which the younger you are, the less power you have. So basically I was the servant of the family. I had to wake up as early as 3AM to cook food for my older siblings so they have breakfast and pack lunch for their work. I wasn't allowed to say no. Worse, my father just kept telling me that "You're the youngest. It's your responsibility to serve your siblings and respect them." Yet two of my siblings said that I'm spoiled and I got it all (despite doing most of the household chores). They displaced the resentment they have to our parents towards me who have to bow down my head since that's the only way I can meet my needs.
Thank you so much! This is me. You have hit the nail on the head!. This is very enlightening for me. I will listen to this again and again. This is definitely my type. I wildly love you and the information you share. I am in my 70's (please don't judge) but just realizing how my childhood set me up! I am finally seeing clearly. 🙏 I have no idea how much more I will discover. 🙏
My narcissistic dad made me like this. We get on better now but he shaped me into this. Primary school made this worse as when I was getting bullied, the teachers just told me to ignore it but that pretty hard- I was a child and being insulted all the time would drive any person mental. When I would stand up for myself, I was wrong, I was the bad guy. At my last job I got let go. They said I was a great person but among other things I was too codependent. I wanted to stand up for myself but all I could do was nod and say I understood, it was fine that I didn’t get any prior warning. I’m a perfectionist terrified to step one toe out of line, disappointing others. I feel responsible for others reactions. I can barely look others in the eye if I have to criticise them, have to cushion the blow by being jokey. My friends had to seriously push me to tell another flatmate to pull his weight. I was terrified that he’d act like my dad used to, angry and pulling the “if you think I’m such a bad person”. I’ve been exploited for my kindness, used as a doormat. My friends and family say that I’m such a nice person but there’s more to that. I’m a good person, but I’ve been moulded into an unhealthy, people pleasing perfectionist who is constantly bending over backwards to keep everyone smiling and happy, being the perfect student and employee. If I don’t achieve this, even slightly mess up- I feel like I’ve failed, a horrible feeling churns in my body, my perfect image is broken. I overthink, these situations where I mess up play over and over in my head like a horrible merry go round. I’m glad that now I’m older I have the capability to discover why I am like this but frustrated that I can’t seem to “fix” myself…
I have been on a self reflective journey/self care journey for the past several months and I've been trying to understand where my behaviors came from. I always thought trauma came in extremes and that my childhood wasn't "bad enough" to have trauma responses. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that my body reacts before my mind does. I grew up in a very volatile environment around my mother and step dad ( domestic abuse, verbal and physical) and my dad who has always leaned on me and was extremely emotionally neglectful and is also a chronically depressed alcoholic. It has been such a hard few months facing my demons but I promise you (whoever is looking to heal) it is worth it. I have never felt so self aware and independent in my life. Thank you for making these videos and helping us on our journeys ❤️🙏🏻
I just discovered I did this I do this and it’s honestly groundbreaking I’m so happy that there’s a name for it I felt like such a weirdo for so long for being this way not really truly understanding what was going on just being able to pinpoint this allows me to understand where my pain stems from and I’m just happy thank you
Thank you for your comments about co-dependency -- so helpful. I've struggled with feeling condemned by that word for a long time. Would love to hear your thoughts on how we use these strategies together. I switched between freeze, fawn, and then flight. I guess the big deal is seeing and knowing when/why we are using these strategies so we can do something different.
Thank you.... I was finding answered to my inherent behaviour , now I get it , this is my fawn response , am too good in taking care of my mom nd younger siblings ...but always having a breakdown at the end of the day , cause I don't know who I am ...... Truly appreciate it 🙏💜
I was loved and had a pretty idyllic childhood. However starting before I even remember I refused to eat many foods. (Now know. As ARFID) and this caused difficulties in my relationships particularly with my parents. They loved me but I worried them. In the decades when I was growing up there was no help for or even acknowledgement of such things. So because I couldn’t be “a good girl@ in that way I became a fawn in other ways. I’m 65 now and seeing it and working on it at last. Thank you for your podcast and expertise.
Hate to admit it but playing sports with this was like hell and all you can do is fawn or disappear…. Felt like hell… till I faced my past issues which was hell because no one understand psychology really. Before treatment I thought my life was over. You never want to hurt you loves one but you have to confront your issues or get ignored. Everyone’s human so it brought a lot more love around me. This video is real
I think my mom plays a huge part in me having a fawn trauma response. I’m basically my little sister’s third parent and my mom even agreed with and in her words “that’s how it should be”. She always went out of her way to force me into relationships with her side of the family and would volunteer me to do things but only at family functions. She would text my cousins who I was close with about how she’s worried about me when she could’ve just came to me about it. She invited me to group chats with her family when she knows that I have issues with some of them. I’m 20 and living with her and my dad. It’s tough healing when I still live with them. Thanks for this video tho it’s nice to understand myself and why I feel and do things.
Would you believe my dad was telling me his problems when I was 13 years old. It's called unavailable spouse which was my borderline personality mother...whom I hate
Not excusing the behavior but extreme abuse and no one believing you makes you do stupid stuff and many end up on drugs. Thank God he didn’t do that. It takes time to heal and the parent should take full responsibility for handling things in a wrong and hurtful manner
omg you got me so exactly. I caretake people but there is a wall i put up. I don't share anything about me really cuz i dont really trust the person that much. when I'm just reflecting back the other person i dont need to be vulnerable and i dont have to show up. it's a way to keep things surface level and not get deep and not be vulnerable in relationship
Raped by my mother until I was old enough to ask what she was doing. That brought her up short. She stopped but she withdrew from me (like "I lost my mother") Fawning is a curse.
This was and still is me on autopilot whenever I interacted with anyone. Sometimes I get angry. Here some people respect what I say or request and others say I take it personally and should respond calmly and use my angry manner to dismiss what I say or request.
Thanks for shedding light on this. I’ve recently been asked to drive a woman to church. I am willing to, but I’m not willing to accept lengthy texts and phone calls from her where she’s telling me all her problems. It pulls on me to take care of her. I don’t want to. How do you say, “please stop texting me”.
it’s okay to set boundaries! you can say something like “hi, i really appreciate you feeling like you can open up to me, but this is very overwhelming for me and i feel i’m unable to provide the support you’re looking for”
That was so coincidentally hilarious I'm a street performer and I took a break to watch this video because I'm losing my voice and you're losing your voice to LOL they always tell me to take it easy but that's just not my style LOL
My mother had me convinced that she was either going to die or end her life any time...that I'd come home from school one day and she'd be laying on the floor de@d. When that day finally came I was going to become my 13 year older Golden Child brother's and severely mentally disabled 7 years younger other Golden Child sister's new mommy...they would cease to be my siblings and automatically become my children and my sole responsibility...and she stressed what a horrible day it will be when she finally died and she didn't envy my lot in life one bit and that I'd be better off if I ended myself...oh yeah, I was only eight years old when she told me this. Spoiler...she lived to be 78 years old. 😒
First of all…your videos are amazing. I am learning so much about why I am a “fawner”. I appreciate your content so much. May I also ask what lipstick/lipgloss you wear? So pretty.
What about if you had teachers that you felt shamed by for being different or struggled in school? I also had a chaotic household with my brother doing drugs. My parents were focused on him a lot, but I think my fawning was started by teacher who I perceived did not like me. And when I spoke up, I got told I was trying to blame her for something I did.
Why dont you like the word codependent? I think it encapsulates the effects of a narcissistic person on a victim. I don't like it but I feel like whenever I'm fawning I am emotionally walking a tightrope where I can be tipped very easily. And that feels like codependence on other people.
This video is very affirming and insightful. Though I find it clumsy to use the word narcissist so often. Colloquially we all understand you mean “self-centered” or any other adjective, but calling every person who uses another a narcissist really dulls down the true meaning of that word and also pathologizies everyone who uses us. This is harmful because it just says that they have a mental disease when really all they did was be a self serving loser. To pathologize these people is to say in someway they are unaware and just do these actions willy nilly. I think it shirks off a lot of responsibility from those types of people. Also it throws people with NPD under the bus and they certainly deserve love and care just as much as anyone else
I regularly blow spit bubbles as a method to keep me okay and have a 4 foot rule you get within four feet of me I get nervous and step back. What was done to me was an extremely controlling and abusive relationship and gotten pregnant from only to have the baby beaten out of me its been brought to my attention of a deep and empty stare. I''m just angry and tired waiting for my time to be up yet afraid of it.
I like your content but like all others like you when comes time for healing the problem, you use phrases like "you got to realise" " you need to set your bouderies" etc and these are very nice goals but when it comes to early childhood programing I have found that it is terribly set and ingrained in our subconscious. It is very easy to understand the problem or dynamic but impossible as of yet for me to reprogram. This is what needs to be done yet no-one tells us how to change the deep programming. I suspect no-one really knows how.
comment really resonates. Havent watched her videos as Im afraid that it is another video, which explains but doesnt offer real solutions. I think healing just takes time and maybe accept it as a part of you.
Kim, can you talk about how parentification due to insanely immature parents makes you feel like you have to be strong for those around you but your own issues will be dealt alone because talking about it you are either misunderstood, unheard or just feel like your problems are a big burden to them so you kind of have no where to go but deal with it yourself, always having to be in a good mood around others otherwise internally the "i need support" part is subconsciously rejected or even in reality rejected. Like you dont get the aupport you need and its again you having to comfort rather than be comforted This is my personal story im just starting to unravel and i cant physically stand having to carry this weight on my own. Whats the solution? Internally?
Could this fawn response have developed at an older age such as early twenties? I've had a traumatic experience dealing with my mother who was diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder and so it's been a struggle attempting to support her along with my father and brother. I don't live with them anymore, but I fall along the lines of the fawn response and I am wondering if it's because I was trying everything I could years ago to be there and help my father/brother with my moms situation.
Im not oldest and a middle child but have unpredictable mother and fawn response really discribe me nor I think she is so loving towards me I always think my siblings are better bcoz she gives them more attention and talk to them I always hd back also i devloo social anxiety and Hyperviglane i guess there are some incident small that.reaally effected me from school and teens
This is the third video in the series i am watching. And i am confused. 'Fight' seems to apply a little. So does 'attach, cry for help.' And now also fawning. I' m afraid to watch the others. By the way, i' ve noticed the other people here. Thank you all for sharing, and please, take care. I hope you are well. ❤
Do you think there is a cultural element to this. Being brought up in tje Indian community the Easterm culture encourages a group-think mentality. We were told you put the group first. Individual needs were frowned upon.
I was loved and had a pretty idyllic childhood. However starting before I even remember I refused to eat many foods. (Now know. As ARFID) and this caused difficulties in my relationships particularly with my parents. They loved me but I worried them. In the decades when I was growing up there was no help for or even acknowledgement of such things. So because I couldn’t be “a good girl@ in that way I became a fawn in other ways. I’m 65 now and seeing it and working on it at last. Thank you for your podcast and expertise.
The feeling of displeasing others can feel really really difficult to deal with, even when it's the right thing to do. I'm glad you said that we have to accept feeling this way in order to heal and get over the fawning response.
Crazy how she pointed out all of my struggles I didn't know were a trauma type.
I was waiting for you to release this one because i KNEW it would be me. I'm the epitome of a caretaker type and don't know how to have relationships with family/friends when I'm not "merging and groveling", orbiting around everyone else's needs and throwing mine out the window... or completely distant because I'm actually taking care of myself. I realized that I sustain a lot of toxic connections that take advantage of my kindness, and I want to find more people I can be genuine with. Lots of work to do on myself. Thank you sharing this, your videos are so kind and informative.
Oh my gosh, this is my life! For 61 years, then I hit the wall. I had never set boundaries, I didn’t even realize how important it was to have them, it also explains why I tolerated these things, and why I was a raging “ nut case. I’m learning so much!
I was raised by a malignant narcissist. I read Pete Walkers book and I believe I am a fight-fawn type. I would defend my twin from my narcissist when she went on rages until she dominated me into submission. I also was parentified. I had jobs as a teen and went to school when my narcissist's husband was a deadbeat alcoholic. We provided grocery money yet weren't allowed to eat unless My guardian said we could. My twin and I cleaned the house everyday from top to bottom. If we missed one chore, we were raged at. We weren't allowed to hang out with friends until we cleaned the whole house down to cleaning the refrigerator daily. Even if we did do everything, many times she said we couldn't go anywhere. Trapped. My narcissist made a play schedule while I was in college (and had two jobs) to play with her daughter for hours so she didn't have to take care of her. After, I faught I had no choice but to fawn so the punishment wasn't as severe. I find myself doing this in my marriage but my fawning is more heartfelt. My husband is a good man so after I defend myself, I wind up apologizing because I was sharp or insensitive. Then I caretake and make sure he's ok. I feel crazy because I'm so hot and cold when triggered. Ugh.
Just wanted to say that I relate to all of this, especially the part about fawning and trying your hardest to do everything right and still often feeling trapped by the narcissistic parent. It would be great if that feeling would go away once you're no longer actually trapped with them, but it doesn't. Thank you for sharing. 💙
@@djer05010401 awwwwww I'm sorry you know what this is like too :/ I hope we both find healing. It's crazy how trauma leaves such scars on your brain. ♥️ We are survivors ♥️
I don’t even know what these words mean but I can tell you I have the same as you! 😂 ugh. Growth is hard.
I can relate to you. Thank you for sharing.
Horrible- I don’t have a belief in heaven. If I really had to choose I’d prefer to know that hell is real
Thank you for this video. The way my upbringing trained me and molded me was in a “anticipate and participate” mindset. I’ve always felt I was clocked-in at work since I was 8 years old. Exhausting.
Oh my gosh me too wow we’re truly never alone
Me too
Hurry up child as I go go go go. Trying to relax is hard but learned to but feel lazy now. I hear you! I have autoimmune now after a very toxic marriage
Wow. You’ve so perfectly described what I’ve been feeling all these years. Feeling clocked in at work, mentally and emotionally, since childhood ugh yes. Nevermind the fact that I did actually start working at 13 years old to help with the bills.
Absolutely foul how real this is. It felt like she was talking ABOUT me. I love all of you fawn types you are all beautiful people I know its very hard sometimes
❤😢
I can identify with the fawn response, as well as fight, flight & freeze. Caretaker & pampering of my father whom I adored & revered; and craved & sought the love and attention of as a child - because of a feeling of abandonment beginning in the wound ; and continuing through my adulthood. Caretaker of my mother whom I feel indebted to as an adult. Caretaker of the men in my life, who abused me, cheated on me, lied to me & stole from me. The ultimate people pleaser of others, at the expense of myself. Asserting & establishing no boundaries & unable to say no. Feeling unappreciated, taken for granted & resentful. That’s me. Thanks for the succinct & accurate description of me, helping me to see myself. 😢
I'm so sorry you went through all that. Sending you love. You matter. You are important and you deserve utmost love and respect. 🩷
We allow ourselves to be raped in so many ways down to our souls. Yep!
Me 1000%.
Took on much of a parent role at a young age, kinda felt like a homemaker as a kid since my mom was always working and dad was gone. To this day, I get rageful when my mom says she is coming to visit. I rage clean and get so panicked and anxious. Then while she’s here I become a resentful hostess; begrudgingly doing whatever it take to keep her from making comments about anything related to the house or me.
Sounds so familiar!!! Be perfect clean and work all the time! No rest but thru the years I pushed thru that with quinine issues and just have boundaries but the comments about how others are worse off and I’m slacking
I noticed that when I’m triggered and I think someone is mad at me, my personality goes to a complete 180, and I become extremely submissive. I look down, I am desperately trying to hide tears, I barely speak, and in order to mask all this I will do or say whatever the person wants. I used to give certain people massages so that they were more calm throughout the day and didn’t explode later. I still do that sometimes. And whenever someone expresses being even slightly upset with me, I walk on eggshells and I’m overly apologetic and submissive.
It’s something I’m trying to heal as I legit get scared of being hurt in some way if someone is angry. Or being abandoned.
Exactly the same. I don’t know how not to do it because now that I’ve been abandoning I’m trying to fix myself. I don’t know how to fix myself though.
@@Thomas_Winters therapy has been something that really helped me. I do recommend it when people are in a place that they can seek it out.
Communicating my feelings to myself out loud is something that helped, which also helped me verbalize it to others.
@@SteenatheCatrobat costs money. I’m barely getting by as it is and my jobs insurance doesn’t touch it.
@@Thomas_Winters that can be really difficult. :/ I know how hard that is. US healthcare sucks.
I feel like I have recieved 25 years of therapy from RUclips videos since 2020. It has really helped. I was so scared during the beginning of the pandemic that I realized it felt like childhood. So I watched a lot of therapy videos. I can spot that sh%$ quick now. I have healed some but at least understand things better.
I'm with you on the 'codependency is for substance abuse not attachment theory' train. I think a lot of people see overlap and exploit the market for content that bridges the gaps in all self help psychology fields.
I hate the codependency bs too!
I am so glad this is finally being discussed..there are a few REALLY good people online that have been very helpful to me..
I discovered you a couple of days ago and am binge watching...
You are OUTSTANDING...thank you for all your hard work..
Thank you so much for your beyond kind words! I'm so glad you're here with me and sending you support and healing love!
Who else do you suggest. I need all the help I can get.
@@CP-ce6ef Ross Rosenberg, Lisa Romano
@@CP-ce6efTim Fletcher's RUclips videos
@@CP-ce6efalso Crappy Childhood Fairy, Dr Ramani, Tim Fletcher
I literally feel more heard by you than any other therapist. Like I’m at 5:03 and I’m like “I love her” I wish you were my therapist. Genuinely because I’m trying to heal.
This is my first time looking into this trauma type....and it really hit home for me. My parents divorced when I was 4, I was mostly with my mother until high school, so it was a long time of only seeing my dad every other weekend. Looking back, I realize I kind of became a counselor for my mom. Her negative emotions about my father, her job, money, food/her weight, my diet and weight, her friends/enemies/neighbors, etc were all fully exposed to me at a very very young age. Im not trying to point fingers but during this video that was all I could think about. I was so young and I was my mom's therapist and counselor. Now whenever I encounter the same situation, I become what I've grown to call "The Fixer". I have to fix everyones emotions and make sure theyre ok, while at the same time burying my own needs and wants and desires. I think this was a big reason that I got trapped in a 10 year relationship with an emotionally wounded, needy, narcissistic, toxic man. I'm out of it now thank GOD, but at the cost of nearly starving myself to death/consuming nothing but alcohol for months and on the verge of checking myself into a mental hospital. I'm convinced if I was still with him I would be either crazy or dead.
I will be watching your other videos. Thank you so much. To anyone reading; we do get better 💕💕
I’m really sorry you went through that.
I'm the youngest sibling and our family dynamic has an hierarchy system in which the younger you are, the less power you have. So basically I was the servant of the family. I had to wake up as early as 3AM to cook food for my older siblings so they have breakfast and pack lunch for their work. I wasn't allowed to say no. Worse, my father just kept telling me that "You're the youngest. It's your responsibility to serve your siblings and respect them." Yet two of my siblings said that I'm spoiled and I got it all (despite doing most of the household chores). They displaced the resentment they have to our parents towards me who have to bow down my head since that's the only way I can meet my needs.
I’m really sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you so much! This is me. You have hit the nail on the head!. This is very enlightening for me. I will listen to this again and again. This is definitely my type. I wildly love you and the information you share. I am in my 70's (please don't judge) but just realizing how my childhood set me up! I am finally seeing clearly. 🙏 I have no idea how much more I will discover. 🙏
My narcissistic dad made me like this. We get on better now but he shaped me into this. Primary school made this worse as when I was getting bullied, the teachers just told me to ignore it but that pretty hard- I was a child and being insulted all the time would drive any person mental. When I would stand up for myself, I was wrong, I was the bad guy. At my last job I got let go. They said I was a great person but among other things I was too codependent. I wanted to stand up for myself but all I could do was nod and say I understood, it was fine that I didn’t get any prior warning. I’m a perfectionist terrified to step one toe out of line, disappointing others. I feel responsible for others reactions. I can barely look others in the eye if I have to criticise them, have to cushion the blow by being jokey. My friends had to seriously push me to tell another flatmate to pull his weight. I was terrified that he’d act like my dad used to, angry and pulling the “if you think I’m such a bad person”. I’ve been exploited for my kindness, used as a doormat. My friends and family say that I’m such a nice person but there’s more to that. I’m a good person, but I’ve been moulded into an unhealthy, people pleasing perfectionist who is constantly bending over backwards to keep everyone smiling and happy, being the perfect student and employee. If I don’t achieve this, even slightly mess up- I feel like I’ve failed, a horrible feeling churns in my body, my perfect image is broken. I overthink, these situations where I mess up play over and over in my head like a horrible merry go round. I’m glad that now I’m older I have the capability to discover why I am like this but frustrated that I can’t seem to “fix” myself…
Welcome to the bad guy and gal club! I hear you!!
Paramhansa Yogananda said - " awareness precedes control" wish you the best in your healing journey!
As a CPTSD boy, born and certified, I believe that she made excellent points in this video.
I have been on a self reflective journey/self care journey for the past several months and I've been trying to understand where my behaviors came from. I always thought trauma came in extremes and that my childhood wasn't "bad enough" to have trauma responses. Through therapy, I have come to the realization that my body reacts before my mind does. I grew up in a very volatile environment around my mother and step dad ( domestic abuse, verbal and physical) and my dad who has always leaned on me and was extremely emotionally neglectful and is also a chronically depressed alcoholic.
It has been such a hard few months facing my demons but I promise you (whoever is looking to heal) it is worth it. I have never felt so self aware and independent in my life.
Thank you for making these videos and helping us on our journeys ❤️🙏🏻
I just discovered I did this I do this and it’s honestly groundbreaking I’m so happy that there’s a name for it I felt like such a weirdo for so long for being this way not really truly understanding what was going on just being able to pinpoint this allows me to understand where my pain stems from and I’m just happy thank you
I’m moving towards anger… thank you… you’re doing a really good job here.
Thank you for your comments about co-dependency -- so helpful. I've struggled with feeling condemned by that word for a long time. Would love to hear your thoughts on how we use these strategies together. I switched between freeze, fawn, and then flight. I guess the big deal is seeing and knowing when/why we are using these strategies so we can do something different.
Thank you.... I was finding answered to my inherent behaviour , now I get it , this is my fawn response , am too good in taking care of my mom nd younger siblings ...but always having a breakdown at the end of the day , cause I don't know who I am ...... Truly appreciate it 🙏💜
My life in a nutshell. I’va made much progress in the last few years. Thank you Kim!
I was loved and had a pretty idyllic childhood. However starting before I even remember I refused to eat many foods. (Now know. As ARFID) and this caused difficulties in my relationships particularly with my parents. They loved me but I worried them. In the decades when I was growing up there was no help for or even acknowledgement of such things. So because I couldn’t be “a good girl@ in that way I became a fawn in other ways. I’m 65 now and seeing it and working on it at last. Thank you for your podcast and expertise.
Oh this is me to a T. I’ve been crying for days. Thanks mom! So glad you were there to watch the abuse! Glad you’re deceased!
Hate to admit it but playing sports with this was like hell and all you can do is fawn or disappear…. Felt like hell… till I faced my past issues which was hell because no one understand psychology really. Before treatment I thought my life was over. You never want to hurt you loves one but you have to confront your issues or get ignored. Everyone’s human so it brought a lot more love around me. This video is real
I think my mom plays a huge part in me having a fawn trauma response. I’m basically my little sister’s third parent and my mom even agreed with and in her words “that’s how it should be”. She always went out of her way to force me into relationships with her side of the family and would volunteer me to do things but only at family functions. She would text my cousins who I was close with about how she’s worried about me when she could’ve just came to me about it. She invited me to group chats with her family when she knows that I have issues with some of them. I’m 20 and living with her and my dad. It’s tough healing when I still live with them. Thanks for this video tho it’s nice to understand myself and why I feel and do things.
This was such a clear and helpful video Dr Kim. It’s exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I can’t even begin to thank you enough! ❤
Things are starting to make sense and why I am the way I am. Thank you for healing vibes ❤️ love is the key
Thank you so much for this video Dr. Sage 🥹
Thank you for naming that the codependent paradigm pathologies a trauma response. I completely agree. I hate the codependent idea. 12:51
When the faun response popped up, it surprised me-- even shocked me-- because I didn't expect it to happen.
Would you believe my dad was telling me his problems when I was 13 years old. It's called unavailable spouse which was my borderline personality mother...whom I hate
Not excusing the behavior but extreme abuse and no one believing you makes you do stupid stuff and many end up on drugs. Thank God he didn’t do that. It takes time to heal and the parent should take full responsibility for handling things in a wrong and hurtful manner
It is amazing neither of you went crazy
omg you got me so exactly.
I caretake people but there is a wall i put up. I don't share anything about me really cuz i dont really trust the person that much. when I'm just reflecting back the other person i dont need to be vulnerable and i dont have to show up. it's a way to keep things surface level and not get deep and not be vulnerable in relationship
What a wonderful video this is,I didn't find this by accident.
Raped by my mother until I was old enough to ask what she was doing. That brought her up short. She stopped but she withdrew from me (like "I lost my mother") Fawning is a curse.
No siblings, but I felt responsible for her. Ugh.
I’m sorry that that happened to you 🌷
@@deleted_why let her burn in hell
@@deleted_whycompassion to you. I hope you get to live a life with health and peace and safety.
Oh, I 'm really sorry for that you have been trough
This is heavy stuff. Thank you for saying it out loud.
This was and still is me on autopilot whenever I interacted with anyone. Sometimes I get angry. Here some people respect what I say or request and others say I take it personally and should respond calmly and use my angry manner to dismiss what I say or request.
Loved this video, very meaningful. Thank you!!
Thank you. Still sorting out the deserving love part, mostly because i feel discarded so easily by other often.
So illuminating. Thank you
Thanks for shedding light on this. I’ve recently been asked to drive a woman to church. I am willing to, but I’m not willing to accept lengthy texts and phone calls from her where she’s telling me all her problems. It pulls on me to take care of her. I don’t want to. How do you say, “please stop texting me”.
it’s okay to set boundaries! you can say something like “hi, i really appreciate you feeling like you can open up to me, but this is very overwhelming for me and i feel i’m unable to provide the support you’re looking for”
That was so coincidentally hilarious I'm a street performer and I took a break to watch this video because I'm losing my voice and you're losing your voice to LOL they always tell me to take it easy but that's just not my style LOL
Thank you. I have wondered my whole life why I was like this
Thanks 👍👍
Thank you Kim!
My mother had me convinced that she was either going to die or end her life any time...that I'd come home from school one day and she'd be laying on the floor de@d. When that day finally came I was going to become my 13 year older Golden Child brother's and severely mentally disabled 7 years younger other Golden Child sister's new mommy...they would cease to be my siblings and automatically become my children and my sole responsibility...and she stressed what a horrible day it will be when she finally died and she didn't envy my lot in life one bit and that I'd be better off if I ended myself...oh yeah, I was only eight years old when she told me this. Spoiler...she lived to be 78 years old. 😒
Excellent thanks very much 😅
Thank you ❤
First of all…your videos are amazing. I am learning so much about why I am a “fawner”. I appreciate your content so much. May I also ask what lipstick/lipgloss you wear? So pretty.
This trauma that's been sitting with me all these years
Thank youuuu🎉
Great video!! Do you have any on how to tolerate the distress when you are not liked?
What about if you had teachers that you felt shamed by for being different or struggled in school? I also had a chaotic household with my brother doing drugs. My parents were focused on him a lot, but I think my fawning was started by teacher who I perceived did not like me. And when I spoke up, I got told I was trying to blame her for something I did.
Thanks❣️
I just got called out so bad I feel like I was hit by a train like my great great grandpa
Jeez- so, so much there I see and now recently I’m getting angry.
Why dont you like the word codependent? I think it encapsulates the effects of a narcissistic person on a victim. I don't like it but I feel like whenever I'm fawning I am emotionally walking a tightrope where I can be tipped very easily. And that feels like codependence on other people.
Autusm spectrum can be what is being described with fawning
Ugh. Ouch😬
This video is very affirming and insightful. Though I find it clumsy to use the word narcissist so often. Colloquially we all understand you mean “self-centered” or any other adjective, but calling every person who uses another a narcissist really dulls down the true meaning of that word and also pathologizies everyone who uses us. This is harmful because it just says that they have a mental disease when really all they did was be a self serving loser. To pathologize these people is to say in someway they are unaware and just do these actions willy nilly. I think it shirks off a lot of responsibility from those types of people. Also it throws people with NPD under the bus and they certainly deserve love and care just as much as anyone else
I regularly blow spit bubbles as a method to keep me okay and have a 4 foot rule you get within four feet of me I get nervous and step back. What was done to me was an extremely controlling and abusive relationship and gotten pregnant from only to have the baby beaten out of me its been brought to my attention of a deep and empty stare. I''m just angry and tired waiting for my time to be up yet afraid of it.
I like your content but like all others like you when comes time for healing the problem, you use phrases like "you got to realise" " you need to set your bouderies" etc and these are very nice goals but when it comes to early childhood programing I have found that it is terribly set and ingrained in our subconscious. It is very easy to understand the problem or dynamic but impossible as of yet for me to reprogram. This is what needs to be done yet no-one tells us how to change the deep programming. I suspect no-one really knows how.
comment really resonates. Havent watched her videos as Im afraid that it is another video, which explains but doesnt offer real solutions.
I think healing just takes time and maybe accept it as a part of you.
Hey Doctor! What is grief work?
Kim, can you talk about how parentification due to insanely immature parents makes you feel like you have to be strong for those around you but your own issues will be dealt alone because talking about it you are either misunderstood, unheard or just feel like your problems are a big burden to them so you kind of have no where to go but deal with it yourself, always having to be in a good mood around others otherwise internally the "i need support" part is subconsciously rejected or even in reality rejected. Like you dont get the aupport you need and its again you having to comfort rather than be comforted
This is my personal story im just starting to unravel and i cant physically stand having to carry this weight on my own. Whats the solution? Internally?
i can’t tell what my type is, i’m pretty sure i cycle through em all depending on the situation
Glen Campbell
B side of Galveston
How Come Every Time I Itch I Wind Up Scratching You.
We use all of those terms don’t we?
Does this mean that when I am triggered to fawn at a person I am in a relationship, it's because my needs aren't being met?
Could this fawn response have developed at an older age such as early twenties? I've had a traumatic experience dealing with my mother who was diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder and so it's been a struggle attempting to support her along with my father and brother. I don't live with them anymore, but I fall along the lines of the fawn response and I am wondering if it's because I was trying everything I could years ago to be there and help my father/brother with my moms situation.
ty
God help me. This is so me and I really need help.
I dont even have to watch this all the way to know im the collapse and submit one. 😭
Im not oldest and a middle child but have unpredictable mother and fawn response really discribe me nor I think she is so loving towards me I always think my siblings are better bcoz she gives them more attention and talk to them I always hd back also i devloo social anxiety and Hyperviglane i guess there are some incident small that.reaally effected me from school and teens
This is the third video in the series i am watching.
And i am confused.
'Fight' seems to apply a little. So does 'attach, cry for help.' And now also fawning.
I' m afraid to watch the others.
By the way, i' ve noticed the other people here.
Thank you all for sharing, and please, take care.
I hope you are well.
❤
So what do u do?
Do you think there is a cultural element to this. Being brought up in tje Indian community the Easterm culture encourages a group-think mentality. We were told you put the group first. Individual needs were frowned upon.
3:07
How do we heal massive freeze response ?..i have a patient who had a freeze response around at age of 11
Dr.Zuber from india
Regards
Deeeeepp
🩷
I was loved and had a pretty idyllic childhood. However starting before I even remember I refused to eat many foods. (Now know. As ARFID) and this caused difficulties in my relationships particularly with my parents. They loved me but I worried them. In the decades when I was growing up there was no help for or even acknowledgement of such things. So because I couldn’t be “a good girl@ in that way I became a fawn in other ways. I’m 65 now and seeing it and working on it at last. Thank you for your podcast and expertise.