Narcissistic Parents: Excuses they Make for their Abusive Behavior
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- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
- In this video, I discuss excuses that are commonly used by narcissistic parents and family members to justify their abuse.
Learning about these will help you recognize their manipulative behaviors more quickly and empower you to maintain your boundaries and protect your self-differentiation.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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The irony of my parents saying "When you're a parent you'll understand" when they're the reason I'll never reproduce lmao
Exactly this! Same!!! LOL. And they don’t get any better with age. I think they actually get worse!
That's what happened to me.
I know that's the truth. All I have to do is to look at my sister's side of the family -- all of them are crazy narcs. And all of them have only gotten worse as they age. SMH.
I would tell my mom I would never abuse my children like she did to me, and she makes excuses such as "we'll see when you're a parent."
That's true. I didn't have kids, because I didn't want any child to experience the dysfunctional family. I'm in my 60's and no regrets. Everything Jerry said I went through.
"You drove me to it." Took me till my 40s to realize that no, it was not my fault for xyz. I was a kid. They were adults and had choices.
Yeah, on one hand they attack me for being "sensitive" yet I'm required to be that sensitive in order to feed their supply.
YESS
🎯
Bingo
You can’t win with these people.
yes, exactly, when their strategies stopped working and I wasn't brought back to heel, i was labelled ''Cold-hearted''. Well it made a change from sensitive.
There is no excuse for abuse--period!
Don't forget "you disrespected your elders" each time you react to their mistreatment. Anything you do they perceive as negative will instantly be seen as disrespectful. I reached a point where I was scared of expressing my feelings and my hurt by fear of being called disrespectful. Of course, these people never see their own behaviors as disrespectful cause they believe their justifications give them valid reasons to behave badly.
and then they play the victim.
you cant tell someone to "get thicker skin" for 30 years and act surprised when they get a little callous
I can't tell you how many times I was told I was too SENSITIVE!!!
Me too 😔.
Sending you Hugs ❤
@@mariamadsen7071 👍Thanks.
Same here. Love to all. ❤
@@kitcat9214 👍👍
Same here. They convinced my siblings that I was "overwrought" and that I had a "nervous disorder" because I fought back against their abuse. My siblings held in their anger, but I didn't. Now they suffer from high blood pressure, depression, etc. I've dealt with my narcissistic parents many, many years ago, and I am at peace for it. I knew that I will never do that to my children.
"I hit you because I love you.". Her exact words.
Heard the same crap.
Yes. This. Sadly, forty years later the enabling parent STILL parrots this as an excuse: "she'd scream and hit because she cares so much." As kids, we were taught, "Just don't make her mad, and everything will be fine." We were children, held responsible for an adult's emotional instability.
I got told that, too.
Mom's reply cuz I visited looking like crap (not true), all hell broke out when I said how about I get a really big mirror so you can have a really good look at yourself, rat's ass!
@@oceansrise1594no fun having to explain mom's very crazy behaviour as mom went beserk saying we were doing drugs which we weren't, just a craft, so needing to explain to her as your bud asks you "What's her problem" (I have to physically lift and turn mom so we could escape) that mom's nuts, I'm totally understanding/anticipating I'll never be seeing new one nice smart good influencial friend again! Mom's way of keeping me in her low class circle cult!
My mom accuses me of being sensitive for getting upset at her offensive behavior. Good point Jerry.
They're free to gaslight you, but don't gaslight yourself. well put. I like that.
Me too.. I am going to try to remember that.. and then trying to calm after it rips up all the wounds or the last discussion we had and do my best not to shutdown.
Narcissists always rationalize how badly they treat people with no apology
My mother told everyone that I was a "drama queen".
YES! “Why can’t you take a joke?, why are you so sensitive?” Thank you Jerry 🙏🏼
Maybe bcs its not a joke.
Same 💯🕊️🤍
My husband would try to convince me he'd forgotten bugging the shit out of me was off limits, he'd live to regret it, now I'll remind him his life is boring to accept it,
You are so welcome
Can't take a "joke"...Maybe because it's just thinly veiled hostility that we here call gaslighting🤢.
“You’re too sensitive” direct translation “Ignore all the dirt I’m doing, so I can continue getting away with it.”
I was the Scapegoat. I was told I was too sensitive and paranoid.
😢me too
That’s not a parenting step, that’s a crime. 😅 I love how honest and straight up you are. I literally burst out laughing.
I chose not to have kids because of her. I was fearful of treating my children like she treated me.
I have the same fear !!
my mom loved saying "when you have kids youll understand". well i grew up to hate everyone and not have any kids or relationships. showed her!
I didn't have kids either. Just too damaged and scared, plus I don't think I was able to have kids anyway. Eventually, I didn't dare replicate my mother's dna. My friend who was abused was also afraid to have kids because she didn't want to turn out to be a bad parent too. She eventually did though, and was a great parent!
My mom would always say that too!
I wish I had kids.. it hurts not having kids..
and finding a loving partner to make my own family…
😔
@@SunshineGrove04 my mom thought having a kid would take away the pain but it only passed it onto me
@@cwells7285 I repeated the same pattern with my children. I wish you peace in healing ❤️
“Somebody’s touchy today”
When you’re dealing with a narcissist the goal posts are constantly being moved and everything is always somehow your fault. Just try to understand that you will never be respected by that person
‘This hurts me more than it hurts you’ lol. Ffs.
to this day, mom denies that my older brother ever physically abused me, even though she sat right there and watched it happen; but if she ever does acknowledge it, she claims I was "out of control".
today, my older brother is more like her lapdog & attack dog. it feels weird finally saying that out loud because growing up, my family always tried to hide behind religion to evade being called out, and I was conditioned to believe calling it what it is would send me to the lake of fire 😨.
In my experience child abuse was so rampant in the 1970/80's, Even the police would agree with a parents' form of corporal punishment. No one I ever met growing up ever went to jail for beating their children. In those days women and children were considered property and had no say or autonomy.
That's how I recall it too. Once narc mom was upset about a shooting nearby, called the cops, forgot about the drugs on the coffee table. When the cops came, they saw them. I thought, now they'll get us kids out of here! Nope. Just told my mom to feel better and left. Huge disappointment.
Ya it was and the courts never blamed the parents but they sure did blame the child.I ended up being a court ward and if you think the abuses ended after being removed never.
Nothing much has changed regardless what you hear has been implemented.
The reason my dad got custody of us was neglect. Yet, mom was never charged with a crime. This was 1984. I don't know what, if anything, was done about the physical abuse she watched happen.
Hell, I remember my brother being brought home by the cops one time after he ran away, and when the cop asked him why he ran, my brother said it was because my dad hits him (which was the truth). The cop laughed and said, "Well, then don't do stupid shit and he won't have a reason to smack you around. You do stupid shit, you get smacked around. That's part of being a parent." And people wonder why I don't like cops.
When as an adult I confronted my mother asking on why through my whole childhood I was neglected, abused, never loved or even acknowledged.. she told me with straight face: 'well, its because you did not help with the house chores as much as I wanted you to'..
I got told I was crazy, basically.
My sister says that smh
Yoke!!
@@heathermixson1265💔 same meanwhile they are the exact playbook of narcs that Jerry went over..
I always heard **I** was the reason my mother did/said abusive things
my mothers excuses was that you do not know the whole story, or i did not remember it, i was an innocent victim who did not know what really going on - she said, and when i was a child i was confused , now i remember all things clearly and i have no excuses for my parents at all, they just sick and every word is a next manipulation or lying , never real communication. i am so grateful for finding this channel , i am trying to survive and recover and the understanding helps a lot. Good luck to all good people
Siblings as well.
YES!
I was beaten many times as a child for being sensitive and crying easily. Later my husband hated my sensitivity and left me.
It was a real handicap. Now I know I was and am an empath.
These parents are not that concerned if the kids accidentally hit their heads on furniture, etc. they would tell them you will be alright. When my kids and grandkids would bump their heads, etc and it made them cry and I would go and pick them up and love and kiss on them. Give those babies the support they need
Of course they are concerned! They are afraid you might damage the furniture!
I have heard that " you are too sensitive" all my life from Narcs, beginning with my father to my first husband and my late husband. I have found yes, I am more sensitive than YOU. I CHOOSE being sensitive wirh my enviroment, animals and nature and, oh yeah, PEOPLE. I care about people's feelings beyond my own. If that is being " too sensitive," I am fine with that then.What I do see is that my unregulated self , does happen.I am cultivating my internal boundaries for the first time. Thank you for your " call me a Coka Cola video.I admit to being highly reactive and unregulated emotionally at times but "too sensitive" - no, that's you being insensitive and projecting on me. Gaslighting at it's finest. Let's call out what it really is.
Not gonna lie, every and each of those excuses make me really sick to my stomach.
In my opinion, the "winner" in terms of vileness got to be the "It's just a joke" one (and variants thereof). That one is deep-rooted on a *societal* level... Ugh.
The "I'm under a lot of stress" excuse comes a close second.
My dad(with a doktor's degree in Education) always stood by his crazy narc wife, told me I am too vulnerable!. We are survivors, all us children of these 4 yo parents in big bodies
Narcs parents shouldnt be allowed to have kids !!
If a boy broke my heart, my narc mom would get mad at me for being too sensitive. She said that literally every time I got hurt or upset. Nevermind her tirades when the same thing happened to her! I couldn’t go near her when she got hurt or pissed off.
My mother, on the subject of being beaten with a belt by my father. "I didn't realize that would frighten you." ?! Of course, "That’s not the way I remember it," is her standing response to everything, so "it never occurred to me" is a good, solid response to something where gaslighting is going to be a hard sell.
My mother's go-to has always been "well my childhood was WAY worse than yours. You should be grateful!"
It's such an invalidating thing to say to someone. And most of the time it wasn't even me trying to confront her about her behavior towards me. I would just bring something up that bothered me (like not having any family whatsoever and feeling lonely sometimes) and she'd fly off the handle and then make it out that I was spoiled or whatever. It always made me feel so horrible. I'm not even one to complain about much, either. Just sometimes I would try to talk with her about human things that we all go through and I'd get that response.
"It was the best that happened to you, since you were too weird"
My stepmom's excuse for emotionally abusing us kids was "well, i was only 22 when i married your dad, nobody is a perfect mom at 22!"
That is such a weak & pathetic excuse when people try to use young age for being a 💩 parent🙄😒.
@@malwads1836 yes, true. And the interesting thing is she never changed, she tries to abuse us as adults and she us in her 80's!
There is no "perfect" MOTHER..other than 1!
My mom uses the exact same excuse while also still holding me to things I said even before teenage years 😅
My mom had 3 at that age, stupid older overt coke head sis exact same, not me man, no way, 1st at 34 and Mom's mom passed away when she was 10 so I put up with alot, didn't matter, I'm golden child gone copper, I've a raise 'em right or not at all way of seeing it!
I'd never have to worry about $$$ again if I received a dollar for every time I heard "You're too sensitive."
“You were a girl and it’s harder to be a woman,” was my female parent’s bs excuse. I mean the hits just keep on coming until we, the survivors, choose to end it. To see the excuses for what they are, excuses, is the first step to emotional detachment.
My mother’s excuse was, “it says in the Bible spare the rod, spoil the child!” Always hiding behind religion while beating the snot out of my brother and myself. 💜
And the bruises in the body make the heart white. And yes this indeed is a Bible verse
My experience too, except my brother was the golden child and didn't get the beatings like I did. I did everything I could to protect him then, and now he won't even speak to me. Totally under parental control in his 40's.
Spare the rod spoil the child comes from an erotic poem written by Samuel Butler in the 1600s, it has a similarity to a verse from the bible, but it is definitely not a biblical verse or idea.
He took a little child whom he placed among them. Taking the child in his arms, he said to them, “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.”❤❤❤
@missveronica8393 Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son. Proverbs 20:30 Blows and wounds scrub away evil and beatings purge the inmost being
After putting me down about being overweight, narc parent would say, "you take things so personal". After forging my name on pre-approved credit card applications that came in the mail to his house while I was at college in the dorm, narc parent said, "I got those cards for YOU, so your credit history could be established". He bought things for himself with my credit cards and maxed them out within the first month and was just paying the minimum payment. Did he think to buy ME things like towels, sheets, cookware, dishes, etc to have in the dorm? Nope. Did he buy school books or pay my tuition with those cards? Nope. Gas for my car? Nope. I reported him for credit card fraud. Nothing happened to him.
Did you file a report with law enforcement?
@@w3n33dam1racl3 Yes, but they said they can't pursue it because it could have been ANYONE who forged my signature. I went to a lawyer too and he called the credit card companies for me. They faxed the original applications right then and there, so shocking. I could 100% see that it was my dad's handwriting. Credit card companies just transferred the balances into new accounts with my dad's name and SS# on it so that if he was delinquent, it wouldn't affect my credit history. Years later he forged my signature as a co-signer on a loan for an RV. I had to check my credit report every 6 months for decades to see if he was still using my SS#. I was finally free when he died in 2021.
Go consult a lawyer, as soon as possible.
Phrases I have learned to use against distortions are...
"I don't think that is correct"
"I don't think that's gonna work for me"
"I don't think that's case"
"I don't think that is true"
It puts the burden on them to use logic which obviously won't add up. The key is not to defend the statements, but keep repeating them as if they are the full explanation in themselves; ie stonewall.
For sure. Def that’s what it is with me and them now. Stonewall. I let them remain delusional and irrational (which they will remain anyways), but I refuse to give up seeing real reality and being rational.
If the Narc tells you they were only joking, an example reply would be: 'I'm not laughing because I didn't find it remotely funny.'
Thank you for this. I need phrases to say to myself when my parents start talking crazy to me.They won’t let me live my life and always have an opinion and it’s usually always negative. I can never make them happy and they stress me out.
I was told by parents it was my choice to have the beating.The only problem is the slapping started before I could even walk/talk because I cried at a inconvenient time. And they couldn’t find nothing wrong so they gave me something to cry about a good slap and it went on from there. If you would’ve done what you were told you won’t get the beatings but the mockery and all the other garbage that went ondoes it matter.
Didn't even watch the video yet, but the title says it all.
Me: "Mom is abusing me, please help."
Dad: "You're just too sensitive."
-------------------
Mom: *Abuse abuse**
Me: "When I have kids I never will abuse them the way you abuse me."
Mom: "You say that now, but when lets see what happens when you have ids."
Mom: "When you have kids you'll understand."
-----------------------
ME: "Mom is always abusing me and I don't like it."
~Dad: "Your mother had a rough childhood, so her love is "tough love... but she still loves you!"
As adults, when my sister and I spoke to my mother about her childhood physical abuse, she responded,, “Well, you girls brought out the worst in me.”
~Yup, I got that from y mother too.
My mom said that the reason for her abusing me was cause I only responded to negative things and also said I was the reason why she drinks as much as she does.
Yikes!! My heart for you all.. 💔💔
Even if I am very much struggling
Wow. What a despicable woman.
@@SunshineGrove04 All the best to you 💌
Thank you for making these videos
Ugh…this is seriously so frustrating. This really brings back SO many memories of childhood. I JUST came back from a weekend with my mother.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*7acnv5*_ga*MjA5MTU3NDA0MS4xNzEyNjI5ODk0*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxMzA1MzkwOC44LjEuMTcxMzA1NDEzNy41Ni4wLjA.
My mother told me "I was so verbal so young," that she thought I knew she was making a "sarcastic joke" when she would threaten to abandon me at the juvenile hall at 5 years old. Or when she'd ask "Have I spanked you yet today?" Except these weren't jokes, they were threats.
I'm going through quite the smear campaign. It doesn't seem like I can leave my house without being insulted or mocked.
"Consider the source" can be a good reply as you walk away.❤
@@annem7806 I would prefer if they just stop talking to me.
@@annem7806 One of them practically stalks me and then gives me advice. I don't take advice from stalkers.
I'm sorry. I think you need a new house ❤
I don’t know how serious this is, but there are attorneys that handle defamation cases. If you feel like you’re being stalked and/or you’re feeling unsafe, go file a police report. Get a restraining order. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Just side note, I had a situation that is a very long story to tell here, but I had to get an attorney involved and I mentioned this to a flying monkey that had the nerve to come to my house and give me a hard time. You should’ve seen the look on his face when the word attorney came out of my mouth! Needless to say I never heard another peep out of any of those Neanderthals again and I plan to keep it that way.
I feel ashamed from anything from past mistakes and even when I am hidden.
Or I had to breech your boundaries. No privacy and no dignity. Yet for years I made excuses for my parents. Now I know better. They ruined and destroyed my self esteem. My mother destroyed my relationship with my ten year older sister. She died hating me.
Pure wickedness 😒!!! THANK YOU 💗 ✨ JERRY 🫂💫✨.
Agree.. demonic spirits took hold of these parents
You are so welcome
My narc parent "had to" deliberately wreck a sibling's car (with two of his minor children inside) because he "needed the money" to pay bills. The brainwashing was so effective that it didn't occur to either of them to press charges against him for re kless driving and putting their lives in danger. One, who currently works in law enforcement still believes that what he did was justified and expects the sibling who's car was totalled to "just forgive and move on".
When my brother and I, as adults, confronted both of our parents with physical punishments, they both said to us, with a straight face too, “it was a dream”. To this date, this hunts my brother and I.
My mom blames her behavior on two things:
- She was in a hospital for a couple days when she was a toddler. She says it must've been traumatic, so she feels justified in her reactive personality.
- Her father spoiled her and favorited her over her brothers. She says this explains her problematic relationships with family (not just her brothers).
Yep, I just love them "I did that because you needed help..." or "Why are you being sensitive..." gaslighting statements. But on a serious note -- those aforementioned statements -- and -- the narc's continued use of those statements will result in them having to look into the mirror of accountability in a fully alone state.
"Well, I was so mad!" and "You're projecting on to me what others have done to you, I never did that!"
“You didn’t come with an instruction manual”
healthy communication be like: 👀ehm...I exist
Such a humble & genuine human!! A great God send to all of us!!
It's not so bad...
Exact list.
And of course, the Bible says so. Ephesians 6 1-3 Children MUST obey their parents!
(Strange though... Parents exploit these verses all the time, yet coincidentally omit Ephesians 6:4 - “Fathers/Parents are NOT to provoke their children”)
Gee, I wonder why they do that.
Cherry picked Bible verses. Children obey your parents that your days may be long upon the Earth. I did come to wonder why anyone with such parents would wish for that.
Touche!
Lots of contradictions in the bible.
Leviticus 20:9 “For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.”
Yep, its all about the context of the story.
Somehow Cluster B people/parents, always take the scriptures completely out of context - for their own benefit.
This is what I heard my whole life. ''You're too sensitive''. Oh the irony. Telling me that I was too sensitive perfectly disguised their lack of empathy, patience, interest in me as a separate being And when I finally put my foot down and asked that it stop, they were ''hurt''. they were up on the cross, the victims of me! they stonewalled me and when I tried to discuss the matter, I was just frozen out with the cold shoulder. so, who is sensitive ??🤨Me apparently?????????????
im starting to see a pattern, you have to simulateneously not indulge in aggressive behavior towards them while also not falling for their tricks and manipulations..... its like a tightrope. a balancing act. why would your own family push into such stressful situations. what a nightmare.
yeh, it is a tightrope because for a long time when you're mired in the distortions, half seeing them but also half blind and hoping they'll treat you better, you see your own protestations against their treatment as proof that you do have a sense of self and that you *can* tell where you end and they start. But they enjoy your pleas to be treated better, as it confirms to them that *they are the judge of the correct narrative* . 😕Only when you've healed and detached do you understand that the only winning response is to deprive them of your company. To make that decision confirms where you end and they start.
@@SusanaXpeace2u thats very helpful. i will avoid pleading for better treatment, however, i will never go no contact because i dont want to feel like a coward.
Susana, I finally learned I cannot drink the entire ocean. And that I am not a coward if I cannot do this. This has freed me to be a happier and healthier person. Some things I cannot change. I wish you the very best. Thank you for watching.
@@cwells7285 it’s not cowardly to go no contact - it’s about priority of your mental wellbeing. I and many people actually find it difficult. The coward’s way is actually, usually, the easy way out of something.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel it feels cowardly. i dont do anything that feels cowardly. im a bad ass.
This is timely and helps me remember why I went no contact with my in-laws. Thank you!
Now, I understand why it was such a big deal from allllllll my family when I bought my first home. They made it such a big deal that I didn’t ask them for any help. The only one that left me alone with the constant questions was my brother (16years older than me). He was proud of me. When, I bought my suburban home many years later. No one even acknowledge that I could even own the American dream. Even the gossip mongers from high school acted like I didn’t exist anymore. I thought it was crazy. And moved on with my life. People like weakness. It bothered them that I wasn’t the weak person they wanted.
@jerrywise what about : you should have told me what you wanted / or you should have told me to behave differently ?
THIS!!!!
When a broken/damaged/immature/abusive man
is using a woman, he’ll show these signs:
- he avoids truly deep and emotionally vulnerable conversations
- he's inconsistent
- he only contacts you when he needs/wants something
- he doesn't REALLY include you in his life (it's all an illusion/fantasy)
- he avoids commitments/labels
- he makes you feel guilty/crazy/needy
- he doesn't truly support you or your goals (in any real and tangible way)
So,
If he pulls away, give him a push...
Let him go!
When he pulls away,
he can stay away,
it is over!
It is complete.
1) Never EVER be afraid of losing him. You are the Divine feminine. Let him fear losing YOU!
2) Have an EXTREMELY low tolerance for ANY bad behavior...
AVOIDANT or NARCISSIST?
Let's be real.
It's irrelevant.
They both behave the same.
The damage they do is the same.
The trauma they cause is the same.
FUCK THEM BOTH.
So,
When there’s a disagreement,
an argument, a conflict, some bullying,
disrespect, boundaries being crossed etc...
someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So,
I engage in each and every situation
in a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me,
NEVER ENDS UP BEING ME!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose parts of myself.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
AND REMEMBER:
to test if ANY relationship is healthy -
you've got to judge the relationship on its bad days,
not on its good ones!
My parents always said I'd understand when I had kids. But actually it's made it much more difficult for me to comprehend the way my parents treated me. It's a big part of the reason I went no contact. The "you're too sensitive" comment was something I heard a lot too. I used to feel bad about it but now I'm very proud of myself and my strength of character in maintaining my deep sense of empathy and compassion despite everything I experienced for so many years. My mother would also make the "they had it so much worse than you growing up" excuse for my father's abusive behavior. But again, as I grew up and had my own children, I never treated my children in any way similarly to how I was treated. I'm acutely aware of their emotional state and I can't stomach seeing them hurting, even when it's not related to anyone causing emotional harm to them. And my whole family pulled the "that never happened" card anytime I spoke the truth about my experience growing up. Even my sister who went through the abuse with me has done it. It still hurts not having any of my family in my life. But it doesn't hurt nearly as much as having them around.
I still hear variations of "your too sensitive" and "it didn't happen that way"
I wish I had always responded that some people are not quite sensitive enough every time a narcissist shut me down with the I'm just too sensitive insult. They were always dodging Truth when they used that line.
As a child, my mom would get upset when my father didn't whoop me. As an adult, my parents said I should have gotten more whoopings. Smh. As far as the jokes, there are a lot of passive aggressive ones. My mom would pretend joke and said " You're never on time for anything just like your aunt Carol." My mother even told my youngest son " You're lazy like your mother". No contact since 2020 but the stalking, triangulation, spreading lies continues.
Its so hard. I hope things get better and better for you as you go live your life with no contact with those who made it beyond difficult. 💛🧡❤
My mother would enable my father to verbally and physically abuse me when I was “being bad”
Thinking back on it, I can’t remember what I would do that was so “bad” that required the abuse. All I remember were the “punishments”
My whole life i was told that im too sensitive and too emotional. Literally my whole life.
When i confronted my mom about the most heinous thing she said to me, she said, "I must have been in a bad mood." And she consistently says that she doesnt remember these things. Of course she doesnt. 🙄🙄
I've heard all these things and am still hearing them, every single one of them.
I was physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused by my late Narc mother and late Narc grandmother.
Another one I'd hear is, 'I do and say just to toughen you up because you are so soft!'
They got away with it more than my elder sister because, as I found out decades later, I am a late-diagnosed Autistic woman who also has cPTSD because of the abuse. When they would come out with stuff such as 'you are evil, ignorant, thick, disobedient, etc.', I would take what they said literally!
These pathetic, evil, cowardly, false phrases from the Narc ought to have pride of place in the Narcissistic Hall of Psychopath Infamy.
The only exception is the one about buying a house or money towards it because asking my late Narc mother for money would qualify her as a SCUD missile.
Money, as far as my late Narc mother was concerned, was always on a bungee rope - except for her so-called friends.
They make me sick - figuratively and literally.
My mom always said “wow you’re so angry! you count your blessings and be grateful for your family !”
1:39 🚫 Excuses like "It's for your own good" or "You're too sensitive" justify abusive behavior.
3:17 🤔 These excuses break down our sense of reality, leading us to question ourselves.
6:14 🔄 Wise suggests using mental and emotional tools to resist absorbing narcissistic family members' excuses.
8:55 🔒 Focus on inner emotional self-care to strengthen healthy emotional detachment from abusive family dynamics.
I was complaining about how it is now. Lol. Their answer was basically “Bcuz you’re a loser and this is the best ‘setup’ for a loser girl like you.” And add to that…you would’ve made nothing of your life and would be and would never have nothing…if not for us.” And then also act as if I am always such a burden on them. They don’t say that out loud now, but they still def imply it. But “loser image” problems started long, long ago tho and they created it. Of course I didn’t stand a chance. At least now I can learn better tho. Finally.
I am considering the course, but first I gotta pay my whopper car insurance. 😅😅 I’m talking to someone now also but I’m thinking that I may need both.
When I initially confronted my mother about the past tho, her react was a kind of pouty, up in arms defensiveness. “I’m sorry I wasn’t ‘perfect.’” (In a huff-butt hurt). I’m sure you all know exactly the tone. Meh. Like speaking the truth “hurt her feelings.” 🙄 Never had such a convo with the step father Bcuz I already knew it would be futile-it never crosses his mind on any day that he is ever wrong about anything at all. So I didn’t even bother with him. I also was telling her how he was so awful and wrong to me and she def went all weird on me and said with a lot of butt hurt…”Well I’m not divorcing him.” I was just sitting there like huh? 🤯🤯
Thank you Jerry wise. Informative and useful information.4/14/2024.
I'm female. My dad told me nobody will ever love me, called me crazy for having emotions or being too sensitive and also told me that the love he and my step mom was so amazing that it probably won't happen to me, oh and by the way my dad and step mom were addicts, go figure!
My dad would constantly belittle, disrespect and talk to me like i don’t anything. At the same time he literally never had one conversation with me about anything growing up. My mom would just say “ its ok” or thats “ just how he is” This type of abuse screws u up so much and u don’t even realize it , u just blame yourself for everything
Ooh my God ~ have i heard that - " you 're too Sensitive "
My Sensitivity Iz My Strenght
I decided early on that adults must forget what it was like to be children, otherwise they would behave differently, but im old now and I have not forgotten.
"I didn't realize I raised such a wimp" with a mocking tone and smirk
Thank you so much Jerry and God bless 🙏❤️🙂
You are so welcome
The "wAiT tIlL yOu'Re A pArEnT" line seems to be the default go-to mantra for shitty, out-of-their-depth parents everywhere. What's so irritating about it is the self-absorbed impudence of assuming that, if in their shoes, everybody else would be just as damagingly tone-deaf and clueless.
Wow. I heard so many of these from my covert narcissist wife. "You're just too sensitive.". "I was only doing that to help you.". "It was only a joke.". "It's only because I've had so much on my plate.". "You're not remembering it correctly.". "I never said that.". And on and on. This stuff eventually destroys you. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically.
My pervert of a father told me he disciplined me more harshly than my brothers because he loved me more. I knew even at age 10 it was because he hated me for being the one who caught him beating up mom and trying to protect her.
Oh man, ALL of these at one point or another. 😞
I've since raised 2 autistic kids. My mother recently called me a "hero". I'm not a hero. I just parent differently.
Heard this over, and over, and over again to excuse despicable behavior.
My father used to said - respect your father you could have worse
From a little girl up to my early 50s my parent often told me I'm different to everyone else and no-one will understand me. I've realised for a while now how cruel and isolating that was. When I tried to broach my parent's behaviour with them (which I've discovered on this journey is futile) and told them how nervous they made me, one of their few dismissive replies was 'you know what your problem is, you get panic attacks'. I think some of the worse damage is caused by the perpetuating shots of put downs disguised as jokes. Their version of reality is very distorted. When I asked my parent why they changed their Will to be set up in trust for me, they told me the (reputable) solicitor was a back street dealer who just wanted his money. That was a while ago now, but a good example of their nonsensical narratives. Thank you Jerry for validating us and helping us find our innate selves.
Great video Jerry
Glad you enjoyed it
I can’t take anymore siblings abuse from my vulnerable sadistic sister and psychopathic aggressive brother. I’m so sick of being physically, verbally abused and constantly tormented and stalked, along with psychologically attacked. I feel doomed because I’m all alone with no support system and it’s getting worst on a daily bases. I fear for my life when the attacks happen, the police and the courts are a joke because it’s sibling abuse and not considered domestic abuse.They just don’t take it seriously enough. I’ve isolated myself from being around them and now I just want to disappear forever. 😔
Oh my good,Ed’s!!! I heard “you’re too sensitive” all the time as a kid. It definitely was an excuse. Also heard “you took it the wrong way”.
By definition, anyone who suffers from a narcissistic parent is a sensitive and empathetic person. Kids who are rebellious dont care about parental authority and are going to be oblivious to narcissistic mind games of their parents.
I would love to tell them they are insensitive. I am sure they would be offended but it must be a compliment if being sensitive is bad!
These perps are good at what they do, by the time they’re done with me, I was so confused that I don’t know who I was! Spent 30 years to trace back to find the me was lost.
Oof this hits home. I remember my parents constantly telling me I was too sensitive, even to the point of telling me I was like an open wound. And when I had any health issues they would say it’s normal to not feel well, that I was a hypochondriac and dismiss what I was going through even though there was really stuff wrong. Thankfully as an adult I’m seeing how messed up that was.
Sadly, it took me far too long to understand what was happening with my parents behaviour. Going on towards 15 year's of refusing to engage with their bullshit, happily, each day gets easier. Even more so having found this channel, thank you Jerry...
Now if I could only get them to leave my daughter alone in regards to what I'm up to, that would be a bonus for both of us. Even my 2 older brothers are in on the parents behaviour as well now, following in their footsteps. Sucks to be them my daughter and I say...
Jerry, I’ve heard all the excuses you mentioned without knowing that the person has a NPD! I tell you, growing up with that, it leaves a hole in my soul, and I’m constantly in therapy. Thank you for your sessions here, it helps peeps like me a lot.
Humanity just sucks period in any life. And that isn’t an excuse.