I had my ex-wife cheated on me eight different times, eight different men. Now that I'm divorced and seeing someone else I have set clear boundaries and I have high standards. The first time I would get cheated on she will be done! I'll never ever go through what I went through before or let myself get to that low-level
A spouse that cheats, whether physically or emotionally, doesn't even stop to think how their actions are going to hurt you, shatter your confidence, break your heart into a million pieces, write in stone the memory they are imprinting on you. I just can't understand why they would even deserve you consider the possibility of staying with them. Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies their actions. I doubt I could ever see my spouse with trust and respect any more. I would be embarrassed to be seen out with him after his heartless behavior.
To me it's not as simple as black and white as some people end up cheating for different reasons and then are genuinely remorseful about it and have deep regret. Some times it's something deep rooted that drives them to cheat even when they don't want to do it. For some it's a spiritual problem. Either way it's not justifiable, but I can sympathize with someone who was struggling and trying their best not to cheat as compared to some one u just wanted to cheat and have fun.
@@mace2gorc872 absolutely, anyone who is saying anything different has some growth to be had. It’s not as simple as just walking away. Especially when you are so intertwined, not ready, dealing with emotion, are a parent, you have so much together. It’s not the same as dating someone for a week and they cheat.
@@tonyweiner489then think all these things from the other side. Flip it. All those memories, kids, vacation and stuff and they just.could.not.resist......
You need to respect yourself enough to divorce someone who has had multiple affairs. Can you end up with a healthy, stronger relationship post affair? Yes, depending on the reasons, and if both partners want to make it work. If there are multiple affairs get rid of her, it is a pattern, not a mistake.
I was a good, (but sick) person that did bad things, but I straightened out. Didn't happen all at once as I had many addictions to overcome. Now I am drug and alcohol free, and even cigarette free. The infidelity's came with the territory, but I had problems with that since I was a child actually. Anyhow, that I also no longer do, and going on 29 years of marriage this June.
There's no time limit. Take your time and think things through- without the people who feel exceptionally strong one way or the other about what decisions you make. This is YOUR LIFE and you're the only one who has to live it. YOU know where your happy is and so it's all on you!!!
Thank you. It’s almost a month that i found out about my husband of five years has had an affair for months with another woman. He says he regrets it and he went through something like a heart attack a couple of months ago that now he says was because of the guilt he felt for the affair. I have been thinking of staying but worried about my decision thinking it’s getting late to leave if I want to leave.
ALWAYS walk away after infidelity. Infidelity means love is gone, commitment is gone, the cheater spouse is just taking advantage, and, most important, it will never stop. Once a cheater always a cheater, it is only a matter of getting caught again.
My husband was a cheater, i closed my eyes and try to ignore it until my kids brought it to my attention. I then just asked outright do you want a divorce and the answer was yes, so i said okay and walked away, but then he said no and so we tried to mend it, but twelve years later he decided to leave with a young lady and told me he needed to be happy and the only way was with her. My kids were young adults but they were very badly impacted and hurt, my daughter very badly.
How many times can anyone forgive a good person doing a bad thing? After being cheated on multiple times, I came to the conclusion to end my marriage. I’m done of being taken advantage of.
@@louphoenix9477 personally cheating is cheating but I can manage with emotional cheating more than physically cheating and possibly giving me an sti. However, when someone isn’t showing remorse and continues to cheat than you should most definitely leave like you did. I pray you are doing better !
I have the same question this is the 4th time my husband has stepped out of our marriage it's easy for people to just say leave the first time but you have so much time and memories invested you try to hold on for that reason but it's clear to me now that my husband is just not right for me
I was once cheated on. I left the day I found out. It was the best thing I ever did. No one should ever take that from anybody. Only a bad person would cheat. I believe 100% that a cheater will always cheat again.
The cheating partner should be more than one time...my husband has had probably 40 emotional affairs. ...we are in the same house....but im making plans
@@jackiehirsch1138 I left him and the kids and I have never been happier. He can beg and cry outside my door for all I care he is not coming back into our lives.
“Bad person” is not the best way to describe someone. The actions they display are a better indicator on wether to stay or leave. Also even if the did something wrong once and that’s it, is it the others person job to go through unnecessary pain and trauma? Do they have to stay? No they are free to leave. Don’t force someone to stay if they will not let it go or don’t want to stay because they won’t tolerate it. It is called boundaries and free will. They have free will to cheat, I have free will to leave. This is mainly pushed on women to stay and forgive. You can forgive someone and also respect you own boundaries. The other person will likely not be so happy about that and keep trying to change what you want for yourself. They don’t have a right to ask you to stay after an affair. They should be doing what they can to rebuild trust, and begging is not a part of that.
I'm glad you all don't judge people like some in our church do. I have learned to never tell anyone about my sinful past in church, especially pastors and leaders in the church. Now we go to one that knows nothing about my past, and I now have peace.
Change your title to:”Walk away after infidelity”, and you got your answer. Unless you are a modern day Hosea, and think God is wanting to make your life symbolic picture of his relationship with the Jewish people. You’ve got every biblical right to divorce after your spouse is unfaithful. I stayed with a miserable person for 29 years because I took my marriage vows seriously. But once she decided to step out on me that was it. Looking gback years later I see her infidelity as a gift, my life is so much better now without her. 😂
After 24 years he had a 3 month affair with a girl 25 yrs younger. Now I'm stuck financially. It's unbearable sometimes. He wants to pretend it never happened And be happy and move on. It's torture to me. I still love him but need to get away bc he's always used me in retrospect but this tops any of his other selfish behaviors. Good to know it will get bette when I finally get away.
@@kristireynolds5234 you can forgive, but you can’t forget, at least I can’t . A man always remembers a wife’s infidelity, it plays on repeat in my brain daily.
I'm currently on a roller coaster. My husband is a good guy that can't seem to do the right thing over & over & over. I start to heal just to get damaged again.
I keep holding onto your insistence that limerence fades after 36 months. His affair is going into 2 1/2 years. I have not pursued other relationships but I know I am questioning whether or not he is worthy of my love.
@@waldoadams1611 thank you. I am really beginning to see that he would never be capable or willing to do the work needed to connect to his own emotional intelligence. There are “real men” out there who can have real discussions and ask the hard questions. I deserve better. B
@@leilawiebe5092 Reconciliation only works when both parties meet each other halfway. A relationship where one party always gives and the other returns nothing is not healthy. Some wayward spouses only realise what they stand to lose when the faithful spouse threatens divorce. Others never realise the value of the person they betrayed and a few realise the mistake they made immediately and do everything in their power to win back and keep the trust of the betrayed spouse. Some people need to face the consequences of their actions the hard way and are enlightened years later just like the prodigal son (Luke 15). My advice is get a lawyer, maybe consider separation, if not divorce, and also discuss the matter with your church pastor and/or elders. Don't stop praying. You have done what you can to save your marriage. Love does not force. 🙏💪
@@waldoadams1611 there is no halfway when it comes to an affair. There is no meeting halfway. The affair has to be 100% over, not 50% Not spending 50% of her time with her lover and 50% with her husband. Somethings are show-stoppers and have to be 100% There is no half-way when it comes to these things.
I've grown up around Narcissistic people and been in relationships with them. They never change unless they want to and put in several years of intense therapy. Most Narcissistic relationships end in a 3 ways. You either leave mentally & emotionally or leave in a body bag. Either they will break you to the point that you are a shell of your former self. Or they will cause you to become like them and turn into Evil Selfish Narcissists to survive....or like I said one of you leaves in a body bag and it's usually the victim of abuse. Narcissists are pure Evil so much so that even most therapists refuse to work with them because they will lie and try to manipulate therapists too. No person is worth putting up with Narcissistic abuse for its more damaging than physical abuse...bruises disappear ( not ignoring the mental affects of domestic violence) but the effects of Narcissistic abuse can last a lifetime.....in short..if you are able to safely then ...leave and never look back.
Safely leave if you can, whilst you have the mental capacity to leave or they will take that from you too and you will find it almost impossible to leave.
@@GobboBex Well, I tried to make it work but how can you when you have someone who doesn't want it to. Also I'm a stronger person it was hard, but for my own health and Mental state it is better to value myself and realize all women have thr DNA of Eve nothing is ever good enough or feel like they are missing something, which they will never find because they are rejecting the only person who can fill them which is God spirit.
This was very helpful, my husband had an affair but continued to do so and wanted me to try and prove myself. At the time I felt like it was a ploy, but now I regret it because now he barely talks to me. :(
Hey Luisamarie Rovira! So sorry to hear that you are going through this and have gone through this. It sounds like something that could be very helpful to you would be our SMART Contact Toolkit. This will teach you exactly what to do to start rebuilding healthy communication with your spouse! Highly recommend you consider checking it out here: bit.ly/3BkXVpW We truly hope it helps you.
Why that f*cker! Sorry, but that is mind games to the extreme. Cruel!!! Usually I try to encourage people to try and work it out, but If you can afford to leave... leave, or find someone to have an affair with yourself and be happy, or find another partner to run away with. Just get away from him. Monster.
You missed a big one... Is the unfaithful ready for reconciliation? Are they showing any awareness of your hurt and pain? Are they unequivocally taking responsibility for the infidelity? Are they holding space for your hurt and pain? Are they there for you, and compassionately providing emotional support and emotional closure for the infidelity? The negative effects of divorce on children... This is your most valid point, and I believe the Lord will watch over my children. I'm not sinning if I leave the marriage. Are they a bad person doing a bad thing? Yes! The bible says we are all bad people. Rather, "good is as good does." By her fruit I shall see. Am I / the marriage attractive enough to want back? It is a good thought but ultimately not a question for me to answer. I address my issues for me and possibly a future wife, not for my unfaithful wife. She already chose another. This is a very good video, and I do appreciate the approach of looking for reasons to stay. We betrayed already have the reasons to leave.
Hey there w m, Thank you for your comment. We completely understand your thoughts and concerns. You have EVERY right to leave the marriage if that's what you choose to do. We try to NEVER tell people what to do. However, we do try to help people understand what life will look like in 10 days, 10 months and eventually 10 years. Will you be happy with your decision to leave? There's no way to fully know. But if you believe there's even a small amount of good in your spouse, then the marriage may be worth fighting for. There is a time to eventually share all of your emotions with your spouse, to tell them how much they've hurt you, but if you are trying to save the marriage and your spouse is still pursuing another person, then that is the last thing you should focus on. The marriage broke down over time, and it will take time to rebuild it. Focusing on becoming the best version of yourself is the best thing you can be doing. And regardless of whether or not you save your marriage, if you choose to move on, then you will be the best version of yourself for the next partner. Thank you again for your comment and we are so glad you are a part of our community here on RUclips. Don't hesitate to reach out if we can help you in any other way! Blessings,
Run at the first clear symptoms of cheating and don’t look back. You’ll never heal from that horrendous experience. Trying to stay and save the family will create even more trauma on everyone.
Go back to Day One, do you remember how they made you feel or maybe you saw a reaction that surprised you but in a positive way. Do you see similar reactions? If you did, how long did it take to see a change? Was it a positive change or negative? For me, everything they showed me did not bring relief from that feeling of deception. I was being lied to. Why was I feeling that gut instinct when no matter how hard i looked for evidence, there was no evidence to be found. Never the less From day one, deception warning lights and bells going off in a full level alert. You should have walked away then, but you stayed. That was your first mistake. When you are looking for evidence and have no logical reason to be, you need to run.
I agree that it can be a fresh start to build a really strong foundation for marriage family and an unbreakable bond as you know the damage it causes to people you love
I had other issues with my spouse apart from the fact that she cheated on me. She wouldnt give me space or let me love myself, she has bad anger issue and for these and other reasons my peace of my would be destroyed. After she cheated on me I gave her an opportunity for almost a year to work on her issues and she failed to rectify herself. Now I feel that it won't wok for us.
At this point I really don't care because it has happened to many times. Here is the funny this he has no remorse for what has been done and he lie he's not going to tell the truth about the mess he has done. I have tried my best to keep this marriage going.... it's been me that always go back.... NOT THIS TIME 😢YES IT HURTS BUT IT WILL PASS.😢😢😢😢😊
A Divorce occurs long before the papers are signed and you stand before a judge. That event is merely the period at the end of the sentence. To think that your children will be traumatized or affected by the day of the actual divorce decree is disingenuous. The trauma they will bear on their shoulders is everything that occured in the months and years leading up to that day. You are placing too much emphasis on the event, rather than the path that leads to it.
Trust me no man is worth this pain. I've been through it several times with Narcissistic men, now I know how to spot and avoid them. Why waste your life with someone who mistreats you and not only that , allows others too. This isn't live it's abuse disguised as love. You deserve better and will only be able to find better if you leave, if it's a fear that you will end up alone then (more than likely that won't happen) but even being alone and having good healthy friendships including with men just for company is better than where you are right now.
Also be is the only one to blame for his sidechick his choice, I doubt he would accept you to have a sidepiece,ask if you could get one and blame him for it as he already has. Why are you allowing a mere man (of which there are thousands) to take away your God given peace and happiness. Read about Jesus Christ and his disciples, they were so happy living together they didn't need marriage.
my husband was so abusive in language, emotionally abusive, mentally abusive and very controlling and I was experiencing threats of physically abusive. I was seeing fists and narcissitic rages that was intimidating me. I just left with permission from the local authorities.
My faith makes it clear, one man one woman good times and bad infidelity or not. Divorce you can do but you cant marry someone else lest that spouse dies or you commit adultery just like your spouse did. Marriage is permanent, til death do you part....hard saying but thats the way God intended it to be...
My spouse was cheating online with multiple women, was physically abusive, and lied constantly. Additionally, he was addicted to multiple mind altering drugs. I ask you.....should I try to keep him in my life?
I was like that, but got help and we are going on 29 years in marriage this June. Recovery is possible to those that want it. I bet I was 10 times worse then your spouse guaranteed.
Reading the comments, I see that people who actually went through it have equivocal opinions, whereas those who have not gone through this have solid and firm opinions.
I was surprised reading such a lot of negative and bitter comments here. Never, ever, nothing, always...etc. People are changing from good to bad, and from bad to good. This is a fact. People are dinamic not static. The only thing that fixes us, the trauma. Trauma behaves as a black hole, catches the light and distorts the space. This is similar in the human soul. The betrayal trauma is so painful because it is similar to the traumatized early childhood. That is OK, that not every chating partner can develop, but a lot of can, and more marriage could healing from betrayal, than the divorce statistics show us.
My wife says, she feels anxious around me, stress, depressed. She doesn't feel good enough cause I made her feel that way at one point. (There are a lot of things that would take too long to say in here.) And even when I talk about things, the way she treated me that hurt me, and she says I'm putting her down and belittling her. "Breaking her down" and when she comes back and starts saying negative things, "I'm a bad person, I'm no good, I'm a bad mom." So I come back and tell her, "that's not what I said. I don't think that. I think the world of you, I think you're amazing." She says I'm trying to "trauma bond" her cause I tell her tho gs to break her down and come back and try to build her back up right after... I don't understand this.
Hey Bryon Hook, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 (866) 903 0990 and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!
Sounds like my wife, soon to be ex. Best bet is to get that woman into therapy and get her in fast. I don't know what causes this behavior, but when you're on the receiving end it feels like they're weaoonizing your empathy against you, and that's really debilitating.
It is extremely helpful not just blame her and take responsibility for actions first. Then when she is in a better place then you can discuss how the both of you can improve individually.
She is narcissistic and projecting her bad behavior into you. She is toxic. She will never ever change. She can’t. The bad behavior is a defense mechanism
Then they need to get individual therapy and a period of time of being separated is advisable. Let the person have timefor self care and to get better and then come back to the table and discuss what you guys want to do and what boundaries will be in place and also what safety measures can be set in place as change is an ongoing process.
My hubby gave his "friend" $500 bucks last week. 🤬 i found out by looking on his fb messenger and when i asked about it he said he was going to tell me. This friendship has been going on since Sept as far as ik. But he says hes known her for 30 yrs. And i just found out yesterday hes been having secret conversations thru messenger.
@@LA-1969 well he finally realized grass ain't greener on the other side. I think it's over with her but I'm having a hard time trusting him again. He's not acting strange anymore like he was b4. So update I forgave him. Hopefully he will behave from now on if not and I find out he's been lying again it will sure be over bc he only gets one chance.
I would have a conversation with him about broken trust. He crossed the line and needs to demonstrate that he is working towards trust with you. Is he willing to give you access to all his accounts? Is he letting you hold him accountable with the interactions he has with other women? Without transparency and accountability, there is no steps to rebuild trust. Does he acknowledge the hurt and pain he caused and take responsibility for it? A humble and contrite spirit is a good sign. Arrogant and blame sifting, excuses is not a good sign. God bless you as you try to figure out the best way forward.
Leave her. If you did everything in your power to salvage the marriage and there is no meeting you halfway, then leave. Sometimes leaving others to face the consequences of their actions is the best thing we can do for them. That's what God does for people who spurn His love. He respects their choice and so should you.
Women I know go through alot, but the question is how do you manage a cheating partner. Is it just normal and can leave your memories sooner or later. If your partner feels it has happened and it's past and gone.
Hey Johnny Dollar7, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 (866) 903 0990 and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!
Dia pada lawan jenis gud behavior..acuh..dan pikir pikir untuk punya jembatan komunikasi..Ga sembarangan..Sy apallah..Sy Saja pasangannya yg pertama sbg pacar dan istri .
Thanks for your comment! It sounds like you two are definitely more committed than most non-married couples. However, because it is not legally binding, it would not be considered a marriage.
My husband has been doing porn for 23 years and lying to my face for years. He is getting help now, but I am still wanting to leave, there is so much damage to my heart. Not sure what to do.
Hey vintage g, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 (866) 903 0990 and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/ We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!
If you have a healthy intimate relationship where you are both getting your needs met he shouldn't do that. If he doesn't try to treat you like the women in the videos and is just watching but not acting out and treats you with love and affection you are just looking for a nick in his armor. I would agree that if he obsesses and crosses over from viewing to acting he may have an issue. Men are visual and appreciate the female form. From a young age many of this generation were exposed to beautiful women in Playboy etc.
Aren't you teaching your children that cheating is a tolerable aspect of romantic relationships if you stay together? Everyone is tempted to cheat but I really believe in talking to a lot of people that do cheat they had a cheating parent that received a mere slap on the wrist for their behavior
While every case is actually unique, because of the people involved and their circumstances, they will share similarities with many other unique cases. That's why a program like Marriage Helper's can have such a success rate, because the teaching and practices that works for some marriages in crisis will work for others. It gives me hope.
@@jeremykermott537 I appreciate that. Mine is a short lived marriage, we are older, he vilified me and ran away. It’s been four months (yes he filed for divorce). That expression that people don’t leave unless there’s something that they think they’re going to that’s better, there’s nothing better he just left me and feels he’s better off without me. Which is absolutely not true.
I think that’s true. I know I thought my case was an outlier. And it has things that were very individual but most of it was typical. But that’s hard to see at the time.
I chose to stay in my marriage, despite her traumatic betrayal. All in all it's been a successful marriage but twenty two years on it still hurts. It's easier to forget the betrayal when you divorce. Less so when you remain in the marriage. Being damaged physically, be it directly from physical violence or indirectly as a result of constant stress, these factors I can relate to. But being damaged spiritually, this seems a bit of a stretch. Rather let logic and critical thinking determine your views on spiritual matters. Frankly I find spirituality an overrated concept.
My husband was talking to a person that he met in a chat room. It was going on for a year sad to say , I was one day looking on fb and she had posted them together she was in the philippines not in US. She said he's not talking to her But he did tl her he loved her and was going to move there. Mot sure what to think he is treating me good now. Just unsure.
Hey Kaeyn Peck-Snyder, thank you for your comment. However, we disagree. We believe there is ALWAYS hope for a marriage no matter what. If you have had a bad experience in the past that has caused you to feel this way, we understand wholeheartedly. But there is always hope. If you change your mind and decide you would like to seek help for your marriage, we would love to talk to you and will always remain a safe place for you. You can call us directly at 1 866 903 0990 if you'd like to chat. Blessings,
Woman we should look a man's mother, if his mom is a good woman and mentally healthy and educated, then marry him.... U can live without lie cheating, generally.
I had my ex-wife cheated on me eight different times, eight different men. Now that I'm divorced and seeing someone else I have set clear boundaries and I have high standards. The first time I would get cheated on she will be done! I'll never ever go through what I went through before or let myself get to that low-level
Eight different men, I am sorry that is painful. God bless you.
How did you find out ?
I understand, my wife cheated, if I see it again it's over.
@@reynardthespeaker9240 I went in her phone, that's how I found out
Busy dealing with the same situation where I only realzed now
A spouse that cheats, whether physically or emotionally, doesn't even stop to think how their actions are going to hurt you, shatter your confidence, break your heart into a million pieces, write in stone the memory they are imprinting on you. I just can't understand why they would even deserve you consider the possibility of staying with them. Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies their actions. I doubt I could ever see my spouse with trust and respect any more. I would be embarrassed to be seen out with him after his heartless behavior.
Yep, embarrassing indeed. Your spouse will always remember their fun times cheating and “The other one” will always laugh at you. Finish it!
To me it's not as simple as black and white as some people end up cheating for different reasons and then are genuinely remorseful about it and have deep regret. Some times it's something deep rooted that drives them to cheat even when they don't want to do it. For some it's a spiritual problem. Either way it's not justifiable, but I can sympathize with someone who was struggling and trying their best not to cheat as compared to some one u just wanted to cheat and have fun.
@@mace2gorc872 absolutely, anyone who is saying anything different has some growth to be had. It’s not as simple as just walking away. Especially when you are so intertwined, not ready, dealing with emotion, are a parent, you have so much together. It’s not the same as dating someone for a week and they cheat.
@@tonyweiner489then think all these things from the other side. Flip it. All those memories, kids, vacation and stuff and they just.could.not.resist......
You need to respect yourself enough to divorce someone who has had multiple affairs. Can you end up with a healthy, stronger relationship post affair? Yes, depending on the reasons, and if both partners want to make it work. If there are multiple affairs get rid of her, it is a pattern, not a mistake.
I was a good, (but sick) person that did bad things, but I straightened out. Didn't happen all at once as I had many addictions to overcome. Now I am drug and alcohol free, and even cigarette free. The infidelity's came with the territory, but I had problems with that since I was a child actually. Anyhow, that I also no longer do, and going on 29 years of marriage this June.
How did you manage overcoming temptation with infidelity??
There's no time limit. Take your time and think things through- without the people who feel exceptionally strong one way or the other about what decisions you make. This is YOUR LIFE and you're the only one who has to live it. YOU know where your happy is and so it's all on you!!!
Thank you. It’s almost a month that i found out about my husband of five years has had an affair for months with another woman. He says he regrets it and he went through something like a heart attack a couple of months ago that now he says was because of the guilt he felt for the affair.
I have been thinking of staying but worried about my decision thinking it’s getting late to leave if I want to leave.
ALWAYS walk away after infidelity. Infidelity means love is gone, commitment is gone, the cheater spouse is just taking advantage, and, most important, it will never stop. Once a cheater always a cheater, it is only a matter of getting caught again.
So true, doesn't love you, doesn't respect you, doesn't value you. Cheaters don't know how to love anybody except themselves.
My husband was a cheater, i closed my eyes and try to ignore it until my kids brought it to my attention. I then just asked outright do you want a divorce and the answer was yes, so i said okay and walked away, but then he said no and so we tried to mend it, but twelve years later he decided to leave with a young lady and told me he needed to be happy and the only way was with her. My kids were young adults but they were very badly impacted and hurt, my daughter very badly.
When to walk away? Always and immediately.
How many times can anyone forgive a good person doing a bad thing? After being cheated on multiple times, I came to the conclusion to end my marriage. I’m done of being taken advantage of.
You should've left the first time
@@Ascension1004 Yes, I should have but it’s not that easy when you have many big business in common.
Did you do a legal separation first?
@@louphoenix9477 personally cheating is cheating but I can manage with emotional cheating more than physically cheating and possibly giving me an sti. However, when someone isn’t showing remorse and continues to cheat than you should most definitely leave like you did. I pray you are doing better !
I have the same question this is the 4th time my husband has stepped out of our marriage it's easy for people to just say leave the first time but you have so much time and memories invested you try to hold on for that reason but it's clear to me now that my husband is just not right for me
I was once cheated on. I left the day I found out. It was the best thing I ever did. No one should ever take that from anybody. Only a bad person would cheat. I believe 100% that a cheater will always cheat again.
Hi did you get the strength, was it short time together
The cheating partner should be more than one time...my husband has had probably 40 emotional affairs. ...we are in the same house....but im making plans
This sounds like my hubby with this situation. Lying, keep talking to other women. Yep. I cant think straight.
I feel you. my husband is the same way idk what to do and I feel helpless especially when he said I wasn't worth it.
@@happykandi3629 Don’t listen to him. You are worthy.
Leave him, it will hurt but i promise you, you will be happier. You deserve better.
@@happykandi3629 If you have resources, leave him. He doesn't deserve you.
@@jackiehirsch1138 I left him and the kids and I have never been happier. He can beg and cry outside my door for all I care he is not coming back into our lives.
“Bad person” is not the best way to describe someone. The actions they display are a better indicator on wether to stay or leave. Also even if the did something wrong once and that’s it, is it the others person job to go through unnecessary pain and trauma? Do they have to stay? No they are free to leave. Don’t force someone to stay if they will not let it go or don’t want to stay because they won’t tolerate it. It is called boundaries and free will. They have free will to cheat, I have free will to leave. This is mainly pushed on women to stay and forgive. You can forgive someone and also respect you own boundaries. The other person will likely not be so happy about that and keep trying to change what you want for yourself. They don’t have a right to ask you to stay after an affair. They should be doing what they can to rebuild trust, and begging is not a part of that.
No one is forcing you to do anything. They must provide help if you do want to choose to stay and make it work.
I'm glad you all don't judge people like some in our church do. I have learned to never tell anyone about my sinful past in church, especially pastors and leaders in the church. Now we go to one that knows nothing about my past, and I now have peace.
Change your title to:”Walk away after infidelity”, and you got your answer. Unless you are a modern day Hosea, and think God is wanting to make your life symbolic picture of his relationship with the Jewish people. You’ve got every biblical right to divorce after your spouse is unfaithful. I stayed with a miserable person for 29 years because I took my marriage vows seriously. But once she decided to step out on me that was it. Looking gback years later I see her infidelity as a gift, my life is so much better now without her. 😂
I needed your comment so much right now. I know it’s time, and it’s the perfect opportunity.
After 24 years he had a 3 month affair with a girl 25 yrs younger. Now I'm stuck financially. It's unbearable sometimes. He wants to pretend it never happened And be happy and move on. It's torture to me. I still love him but need to get away bc he's always used me in retrospect but this tops any of his other selfish behaviors. Good to know it will get bette when I finally get away.
@@kristireynolds5234 you can forgive, but you can’t forget, at least I can’t . A man always remembers a wife’s infidelity, it plays on repeat in my brain daily.
I'm currently on a roller coaster. My husband is a good guy that can't seem to do the right thing over & over & over. I start to heal just to get damaged again.
Set firm boundaries.
It’s seems that he is a repeat offender. Do take that into consideration because most repeat offenders aren’t sorry.
💔😢
Many women, many of my clients can't afford the divorce or the separation
I keep holding onto your insistence that limerence fades after 36 months. His affair is going into 2 1/2 years. I have not pursued other relationships but I know I am questioning whether or not he is worthy of my love.
Smh sorry
He is not worthy. My heart goes out to you.
@@waldoadams1611 thank you. I am really beginning to see that he would never be capable or willing to do the work needed to connect to his own emotional intelligence. There are “real men” out there who can have real discussions and ask the hard questions. I deserve better. B
@@leilawiebe5092 Reconciliation only works when both parties meet each other halfway. A relationship where one party always gives and the other returns nothing is not healthy. Some wayward spouses only realise what they stand to lose when the faithful spouse threatens divorce. Others never realise the value of the person they betrayed and a few realise the mistake they made immediately and do everything in their power to win back and keep the trust of the betrayed spouse. Some people need to face the consequences of their actions the hard way and are enlightened years later just like the prodigal son (Luke 15). My advice is get a lawyer, maybe consider separation, if not divorce, and also discuss the matter with your church pastor and/or elders. Don't stop praying. You have done what you can to save your marriage. Love does not force. 🙏💪
@@waldoadams1611 there is no halfway when it comes to an affair. There is no meeting halfway. The affair has to be 100% over, not 50% Not spending 50% of her time with her lover and 50% with her husband.
Somethings are show-stoppers and have to be 100%
There is no half-way when it comes to these things.
Well what if I'm married to a Narcissistic person, who doesn't know how to love or understand the meaning of marriage.
Right
I've grown up around Narcissistic people and been in relationships with them. They never change unless they want to and put in several years of intense therapy. Most Narcissistic relationships end in a 3 ways. You either leave mentally & emotionally or leave in a body bag. Either they will break you to the point that you are a shell of your former self. Or they will cause you to become like them and turn into Evil Selfish Narcissists to survive....or like I said one of you leaves in a body bag and it's usually the victim of abuse. Narcissists are pure Evil so much so that even most therapists refuse to work with them because they will lie and try to manipulate therapists too. No person is worth putting up with Narcissistic abuse for its more damaging than physical abuse...bruises disappear ( not ignoring the mental affects of domestic violence) but the effects of Narcissistic abuse can last a lifetime.....in short..if you are able to safely then ...leave and never look back.
Safely leave if you can, whilst you have the mental capacity to leave or they will take that from you too and you will find it almost impossible to leave.
@@GobboBex Well, I tried to make it work but how can you when you have someone who doesn't want it to. Also I'm a stronger person it was hard, but for my own health and Mental state it is better to value myself and realize all women have thr DNA of Eve nothing is ever good enough or feel like they are missing something, which they will never find because they are rejecting the only person who can fill them which is God spirit.
You know it's one thing to forgive, but when someone absolutely CONTINUES to violate your marriage covenant, it's time to go.
This was very helpful, my husband had an affair but continued to do so and wanted me to try and prove myself. At the time I felt like it was a ploy, but now I regret it because now he barely talks to me. :(
Hey Luisamarie Rovira! So sorry to hear that you are going through this and have gone through this. It sounds like something that could be very helpful to you would be our SMART Contact Toolkit. This will teach you exactly what to do to start rebuilding healthy communication with your spouse! Highly recommend you consider checking it out here: bit.ly/3BkXVpW
We truly hope it helps you.
So he steps out and it's your fault? Sounds backwards to me.
Why that f*cker! Sorry, but that is mind games to the extreme. Cruel!!! Usually I try to encourage people to try and work it out, but If you can afford to leave... leave, or find someone to have an affair with yourself and be happy, or find another partner to run away with. Just get away from him. Monster.
@@w4447 that’s called narcissistic.
It doesn't matter what it's called. If your cheated on leave and be a success without them. It's the best revenge.
You missed a big one... Is the unfaithful ready for reconciliation? Are they showing any awareness of your hurt and pain? Are they unequivocally taking responsibility for the infidelity? Are they holding space for your hurt and pain? Are they there for you, and compassionately providing emotional support and emotional closure for the infidelity?
The negative effects of divorce on children... This is your most valid point, and I believe the Lord will watch over my children. I'm not sinning if I leave the marriage.
Are they a bad person doing a bad thing? Yes! The bible says we are all bad people. Rather, "good is as good does." By her fruit I shall see.
Am I / the marriage attractive enough to want back? It is a good thought but ultimately not a question for me to answer. I address my issues for me and possibly a future wife, not for my unfaithful wife. She already chose another.
This is a very good video, and I do appreciate the approach of looking for reasons to stay. We betrayed already have the reasons to leave.
Hey there w m, Thank you for your comment. We completely understand your thoughts and concerns. You have EVERY right to leave the marriage if that's what you choose to do. We try to NEVER tell people what to do. However, we do try to help people understand what life will look like in 10 days, 10 months and eventually 10 years. Will you be happy with your decision to leave? There's no way to fully know. But if you believe there's even a small amount of good in your spouse, then the marriage may be worth fighting for. There is a time to eventually share all of your emotions with your spouse, to tell them how much they've hurt you, but if you are trying to save the marriage and your spouse is still pursuing another person, then that is the last thing you should focus on. The marriage broke down over time, and it will take time to rebuild it. Focusing on becoming the best version of yourself is the best thing you can be doing. And regardless of whether or not you save your marriage, if you choose to move on, then you will be the best version of yourself for the next partner.
Thank you again for your comment and we are so glad you are a part of our community here on RUclips. Don't hesitate to reach out if we can help you in any other way! Blessings,
@@MarriageHelper I appreciate the reply. "Will you be happy with your decision to leave?" There's nothing happy about any of it..
The reason why affairs are bad for the children is that when the children grow up they would never want to get married or have families of their own
Run at the first clear symptoms of cheating and don’t look back. You’ll never heal from that horrendous experience. Trying to stay and save the family will create even more trauma on everyone.
Go back to Day One, do you remember how they made you feel or maybe you saw a reaction that surprised you but in a positive way. Do you see similar reactions? If you did, how long did it take to see a change? Was it a positive change or negative? For me, everything they showed me did not bring relief from that feeling of deception. I was being lied to.
Why was I feeling that gut instinct when no matter how hard i looked for evidence, there was no evidence to be found. Never the less From day one, deception warning lights and bells going off in a full level alert. You should have walked away then, but you stayed. That was your first mistake. When you are looking for evidence and have no logical reason to be, you need to run.
Sometimes divorce can make you know and rectify your mistakes that's why is not a bad thing to divorce.
I agree
I agree that it can be a fresh start to build a really strong foundation for marriage family and an unbreakable bond as you know the damage it causes to people you love
This was definitely helpful thank you so much!!!
I had other issues with my spouse apart from the fact that she cheated on me. She wouldnt give me space or let me love myself, she has bad anger issue and for these and other reasons my peace of my would be destroyed. After she cheated on me I gave her an opportunity for almost a year to work on her issues and she failed to rectify herself. Now I feel that it won't wok for us.
I wish I found this sooner. Thank you.
We could die in the next 10 seconds. You guys do good work however sometimes ya gotta move on.
Walk away
No. Run away
I only ever find out years later and never get the why or how, soo I can't keep putting something together that was never together to begin with.
I felt this SO DEEPLY 😞
At this point I really don't care because it has happened to many times. Here is the funny this he has no remorse for what has been done and he lie he's not going to tell the truth about the mess he has done. I have tried my best to keep this marriage going.... it's been me that always go back....
NOT THIS TIME 😢YES IT HURTS BUT IT WILL PASS.😢😢😢😢😊
A Divorce occurs long before the papers are signed and you stand before a judge. That event is merely the period at the end of the sentence.
To think that your children will be traumatized or affected by the day of the actual divorce decree is disingenuous. The trauma they will bear on their shoulders is everything that occured in the months and years leading up to that day.
You are placing too much emphasis on the event, rather than the path that leads to it.
@@JScottAudio 💎👏
My husband cheats and allow his sidechick to harass me. He blames me and it hurts.
Trust me no man is worth this pain. I've been through it several times with Narcissistic men, now I know how to spot and avoid them. Why waste your life with someone who mistreats you and not only that , allows others too. This isn't live it's abuse disguised as love. You deserve better and will only be able to find better if you leave, if it's a fear that you will end up alone then (more than likely that won't happen) but even being alone and having good healthy friendships including with men just for company is better than where you are right now.
Also be is the only one to blame for his sidechick his choice, I doubt he would accept you to have a sidepiece,ask if you could get one and blame him for it as he already has. Why are you allowing a mere man (of which there are thousands) to take away your God given peace and happiness. Read about Jesus Christ and his disciples, they were so happy living together they didn't need marriage.
You look way too old to be putting up with such foolishness. Kick him to the curb.
Get lawyer. A good one. And divorce him.
my husband was so abusive in language, emotionally abusive, mentally abusive and very controlling and I was experiencing threats of physically abusive. I was seeing fists and narcissitic rages that was intimidating me. I just left with permission from the local authorities.
Yes, but I will never understand why some men like to keep going that women that like to be whif different man
How do you let go when you still care but its being damaging to our family
With help from Jesus. I can do all things with Christ.
To God cheating is a major sin.
Which god?apollo?
My faith makes it clear, one man one woman good times and bad infidelity or not. Divorce you can do but you cant marry someone else lest that spouse dies or you commit adultery just like your spouse did. Marriage is permanent, til death do you part....hard saying but thats the way God intended it to be...
My spouse was cheating online with multiple women, was physically abusive, and lied constantly. Additionally, he was addicted to multiple mind altering drugs. I ask you.....should I try to keep him in my life?
I was like that, but got help and we are going on 29 years in marriage this June. Recovery is possible to those that want it. I bet I was 10 times worse then your spouse guaranteed.
No it's a lost cause
Reading the comments, I see that people who actually went through it have equivocal opinions, whereas those who have not gone through this have solid and firm opinions.
I was surprised reading such a lot of negative and bitter comments here. Never, ever, nothing, always...etc. People are changing from good to bad, and from bad to good. This is a fact. People are dinamic not static. The only thing that fixes us, the trauma. Trauma behaves as a black hole, catches the light and distorts the space. This is similar in the human soul. The betrayal trauma is so painful because it is similar to the traumatized early childhood. That is OK, that not every chating partner can develop, but a lot of can, and more marriage could healing from betrayal, than the divorce statistics show us.
My wife says, she feels anxious around me, stress, depressed. She doesn't feel good enough cause I made her feel that way at one point. (There are a lot of things that would take too long to say in here.) And even when I talk about things, the way she treated me that hurt me, and she says I'm putting her down and belittling her. "Breaking her down" and when she comes back and starts saying negative things, "I'm a bad person, I'm no good, I'm a bad mom."
So I come back and tell her, "that's not what I said. I don't think that. I think the world of you, I think you're amazing."
She says I'm trying to "trauma bond" her cause I tell her tho gs to break her down and come back and try to build her back up right after... I don't understand this.
Hey Bryon Hook, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 (866) 903 0990 and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/
We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!
Your wife is mentally ill
Sounds like my wife, soon to be ex. Best bet is to get that woman into therapy and get her in fast. I don't know what causes this behavior, but when you're on the receiving end it feels like they're weaoonizing your empathy against you, and that's really debilitating.
It is extremely helpful not just blame her and take responsibility for actions first. Then when she is in a better place then you can discuss how the both of you can improve individually.
She is narcissistic and projecting her bad behavior into you. She is toxic. She will never ever change. She can’t. The bad behavior is a defense mechanism
What if they are a broken person doing a bad thing?
Then they need to get individual therapy and a period of time of being separated is advisable. Let the person have timefor self care and to get better and then come back to the table and discuss what you guys want to do and what boundaries will be in place and also what safety measures can be set in place as change is an ongoing process.
My hubby gave his "friend" $500 bucks last week. 🤬 i found out by looking on his fb messenger and when i asked about it he said he was going to tell me. This friendship has been going on since Sept as far as ik. But he says hes known her for 30 yrs. And i just found out yesterday hes been having secret conversations thru messenger.
Update? Sounds very shady.
@@LA-1969 well he finally realized grass ain't greener on the other side. I think it's over with her but I'm having a hard time trusting him again. He's not acting strange anymore like he was b4. So update I forgave him. Hopefully he will behave from now on if not and I find out he's been lying again it will sure be over bc he only gets one chance.
I would have a conversation with him about broken trust. He crossed the line and needs to demonstrate that he is working towards trust with you. Is he willing to give you access to all his accounts? Is he letting you hold him accountable with the interactions he has with other women? Without transparency and accountability, there is no steps to rebuild trust. Does he acknowledge the hurt and pain he caused and take responsibility for it? A humble and contrite spirit is a good sign. Arrogant and blame sifting, excuses is not a good sign. God bless you as you try to figure out the best way forward.
Wat if she lied n cheated for 10 years after i been loyal fighting for this
Leave her. If you did everything in your power to salvage the marriage and there is no meeting you halfway, then leave. Sometimes leaving others to face the consequences of their actions is the best thing we can do for them. That's what God does for people who spurn His love. He respects their choice and so should you.
so if they having an affair but they are still nice and cordial to you , you recommend to stay in the situation??🤔
Women I know go through alot, but the question is how do you manage a cheating partner. Is it just normal and can leave your memories sooner or later. If your partner feels it has happened and it's past and gone.
You can only try to save the marriage, so many times.
I'm so sad though.
Hey Johnny Dollar7, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 (866) 903 0990 and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/
We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!
My spouse has 14 years having an affair either with the same person
Dia pada lawan jenis gud behavior..acuh..dan pikir pikir untuk punya jembatan komunikasi..Ga sembarangan..Sy apallah..Sy Saja pasangannya yg pertama sbg pacar dan istri .
Still- cheaters are always cheaters.
Can I count a 13+year living together relationship as a marriage?
Thanks for your comment! It sounds like you two are definitely more committed than most non-married couples. However, because it is not legally binding, it would not be considered a marriage.
Infidelity does affect children and in my case it made me not trust women or want to marry them
My husband has been doing porn for 23 years and lying to my face for years. He is getting help now, but I am still wanting to leave, there is so much damage to my heart. Not sure what to do.
Hey vintage g, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 (866) 903 0990 and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/
We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!
Yet..you love that D and money for the last 20 years??!! You're a NARC!!
If you have a healthy intimate relationship where you are both getting your needs met he shouldn't do that. If he doesn't try to treat you like the women in the videos and is just watching but not acting out and treats you with love and affection you are just looking for a nick in his armor. I would agree that if he obsesses and crosses over from viewing to acting he may have an issue. Men are visual and appreciate the female form. From a young age many of this generation were exposed to beautiful women in Playboy etc.
Aren't you teaching your children that cheating is a tolerable aspect of romantic relationships if you stay together? Everyone is tempted to cheat but I really believe in talking to a lot of people that do cheat they had a cheating parent that received a mere slap on the wrist for their behavior
Everyone feels their case is unique, and that it’s an outlier
While every case is actually unique, because of the people involved and their circumstances, they will share similarities with many other unique cases. That's why a program like Marriage Helper's can have such a success rate, because the teaching and practices that works for some marriages in crisis will work for others.
It gives me hope.
@@jeremykermott537 I appreciate that. Mine is a short lived marriage, we are older, he vilified me and ran away. It’s been four months (yes he filed for divorce). That expression that people don’t leave unless there’s something that they think they’re going to that’s better, there’s nothing better he just left me and feels he’s better off without me. Which is absolutely not true.
I think that’s true. I know I thought my case was an outlier. And it has things that were very individual but most of it was typical. But that’s hard to see at the time.
My husband is a good person but he keeps doing bad things.
Then he's not a good person
I chose to stay in my marriage, despite her traumatic betrayal. All in all it's been a successful marriage but twenty two years on it still hurts. It's easier to forget the betrayal when you divorce. Less so when you remain in the marriage. Being damaged physically, be it directly from physical violence or indirectly as a result of constant stress, these factors I can relate to. But being damaged spiritually, this seems a bit of a stretch. Rather let logic and critical thinking determine your views on spiritual matters. Frankly I find spirituality an overrated concept.
What if I found out my spouse was grooming 14-15 years old girls on internet and was talking intimate things with them? How can I overcome that?
Report it to the police and move on.
My husband was talking to a person that he met in a chat room. It was going on for a year sad to say , I was one day looking on fb and she had posted them together she was in the philippines not in US. She said he's not talking to her But he did tl her he loved her and was going to move there. Mot sure what to think he is treating me good now. Just unsure.
What about verbal abuse??
Abuse is a abuse. Set boundaries and if you’ve been through too much, give yourself permission to leave.
Where in the Bible doesn’t it say verbal abuse?
I tell you verbal abuse drains mh , its terrible
Does limerance factor in an emotional affair if the other man is an ex lover but in prison?
Take the “when to” out of the thumbnail. It’s just “walk away after infidelity “
If ya girl.... Is getting dominated by another dude ...shes already gone emotionally
That's true but unfortunately that man could pay for this at some point.
always divorce a cheater, period. it doesnt mater how long after you find out they did it, just do it
Hey Kaeyn Peck-Snyder, thank you for your comment. However, we disagree. We believe there is ALWAYS hope for a marriage no matter what. If you have had a bad experience in the past that has caused you to feel this way, we understand wholeheartedly. But there is always hope. If you change your mind and decide you would like to seek help for your marriage, we would love to talk to you and will always remain a safe place for you. You can call us directly at 1 866 903 0990 if you'd like to chat. Blessings,
Guess you don't believe in forgiveness then.
@@markphelps9218you can forgive someone & still divorce them.
I'm with you on this one. There's plenty of fish out there and if she did it once when do it again
🥺🙏🏻
My husband is cheating
Woman we should look a man's mother, if his mom is a good woman and mentally healthy and educated, then marry him.... U can live without lie cheating, generally.
My wife cheats with other women....
How like a lesbian
@@ilsaika1275 yes