Failed Assassinations - History Hijinks
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- Опубликовано: 21 май 2020
- If videogames have taught me anything, it's that an assassin can solve a lot of problems. But sometimes plans fall apart, and sometimes it's for the absolute DUMBEST reasons.
SOURCES & Further Reading: "A History of Venice" by Norwich, "Rebellion" by Ackroyd, "The Poison King" by Mayor
This video was edited by Sophia Ricciardi AKA "Indigo". www.sophiakricci.com/
Our content is intended for teenage audiences and up.
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"Mithridates died as he lived ... Not dying from poison"
Blue, 2020
Try Historia Civilis, he makes really good historical videos
@Kim Yo Jong's Sandwich you're describing his lunch ;-)
Assassin: “Haha, I put Poison in your soup, you will now die”
Mithridates: Thanks man, that really added to the flavor.
Lol
Assassin: _visible screeching_
Edit: OH, NOW STRIKEOUT WORKS.
Mithridates discovers caffeine.
It's always sunny in Pontus.
Rasputin: same
bone hurting juice
Blue is not addicted to talking about Italy, he can stop whenever he likes.
Why stop? They're insane and rather creative when coming up with new ways to out crazy each other. It's like a never ending sea... of crazy!
Ok, I might have a minor addiction to the crazy.... ;)
Jinx
That’s ok, You can stop whenever you want
No,our boy Blue does not have a addiction to Venezia,he can stop anytime he want,but why stopping now when we can talk about *THE MOST SERENE REPUBLIC*
@@whafflete6721 exactly
@@jinx7501 The First step is admitting it. Its ok we can get you help, you just have to want to give up the crazy :P
"Mithridates, a friend of yours died from poisoning and so many fellow emperors are being offed by it too"
*Mithrades, while downing 8 shots of cobra venom*
"Tragic"
Mithridates: Weakling die, big deal.
“Sir, there may be poison in your wine”
“I know. I put it there”
Fun fact: Unless you have a cut somewhere along the way, snake venom generally isn't poisonous to ingest. I mean, yeah, don't try this at home, but the venom has to go pretty directly into the bloodstream to work.
The other poisons will have been the classic Mithridatism (of course named after the king), but the snake venom makes for a good party trick because it looks impressive without actually being all that dangerous.
@@thesilverprincess
"sir you may have wine in your poison"
"Wut"
@Axiom Steel i mean he just told us how to ingest venom without dying, so unironically pretty much
Assassination is just murder but for fancy people.
let me fix your comment for you :
Assassination is just murder *of* fancy people.
regular pooh: murder
fancy pooh: asSASSination
Agreed
@@TauGeneration Let me fix your fix:
Assassination is just murder of fancy people, on the down-low. (I mean the whole point of assassination is to be subtle for the most part unless they explicitly want it to be seen but it starts to bleed into terrorism by then.)
Quite literally, as the definition of assassination is the murder of a known, often political, figure by surprise attack, usually for payment or political reasons.
“Funny Ha Ha Poison man” is the best excuse to meme on a historical decent King
haha foonny
If he'd just been a good king, we'd likely never know his name. Even the greatest had certain personality quirks that made them interesting
“So my hands are tied” made me laugh
Funny poison man
We all saw Mithridates coming in this list a mile away
Assassin: hehe, he is currently eating the meal I just poisoned.
Mithridates: .... needs a bit more poison.
Assassin: '_'
Mithridaties: why the long face? Jalepeno seeds add flavor, if you can get over the burn. Plus, I like the crunch. 😁
Mithridates: Bro, there's really no flavor. I have JUST the thing! *Adds more poison*
Hmm. Arsenic was a bad choice. Clashes with the strychnine I added.
@@walkercobb2808 It might go good with ricin though. I'll need to add that to my notes.
Thanks for a new emoticon.
Mithridates talking about suicide
"Well, we need to think up of something steward because the Romans are coming and I dont want to be alive to see it."
Steward
"Here my lord, I have prepared a vial of cyanide"
Mithridates chugs the whole thing
"Yes, thank you steward I was feeling rather parched but let us not get distracted, I need to find a way to end my life"
Why does this comment not have any replies. This is great!
@@k.hizzle5376 it's so great that it needs no replies
@@little_ghosty1854 Great point and an equally great username.
@@k.hizzle5376 thank you!
@@little_ghosty1854 Is there an origin behind the name or…?
Mithridates: "Do you have any poison?"
Clerk: "Sir, this is a bookstore"
No we sell shit, this is Skegness.
so... is that a nooooo?
"Is this the apothecary?"
"No, this is Patrick."
hAhA funny poison man
SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD ME TO KEEP MY VOICE DOWN?
Nonna Rossi: “I threw a rock at ‘im!”
Silence
Nonna Rossi: “It was a big rock.”
(huge applause from everyone around)
Nice job croco
Want to not have your rent risen? Knockout a person with a stone mortar
Not gonna lie all I thought of when I read your post was;
'Crystals for banishing someone: Any of them if you throw em hard enough.'
'This here's my banishing rock'
I dunno that rock look like a flower pot but guess that was a stone craved one.
Parliament Guards: What's that you have there?
Guy Fawkes holding a lantern next to a giant pile of gunpowder barrels: A smoothie?
Guards: How do you have a smoothie before smoothies were invented?
@@animeguardianxx *holding a pile of matches in his other hand* Time Travel
I think you're meme would've been perfect if the guards said: what'cha got there?
With some Bang sang
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! I poisoned your wine!"
Mithridates: "Mildly sweet, yet with a piquant finish...The foxglove crop was quite splendidly sweet last year, so I presume you saved this poisoned wine for me for two whole years: it's actually a bit of an honor...have you any more of these splendid bottles?"
Princess Bride reference?
Fun fact anti freeze in wine actualy makes it taste more sweet
@@lostgem8225 And possibly kills you
@@jamesharding3459 ***Possibly***
"Oh my, that is _quite_ toxic"
Poisoner: "You fool! You fell for one of the classic blunders! One of them is to never invade Germania, but the other is never fight an Italian when Death is on the line! Haha!"
*Dies*
Mithradates: "Little did he know I've been developing a resistance to Iocane powder."
The princess bride?
@@panicontheargo7034 You bet.
Panic! On the Argo love your username
I kept thinking of that scene during the story! XD
I mean, Rome did have Sicily, so a failed Sicilian assassination is not at all out of the realm of possibility.
Mithridates’ father: *gets poisoned*
Mithridates: Guys I have this idea for a drinking game-
Rolls a nat 20
GraceNoel 1213 .
Broke: Russian Roulette
Woke: Anatolian Shots
"But Parliament was closed for most of the year because of plague *ugh, mood*"
When you can relate closely to people from the *1600s*
Bruh moment
And, you know what, here we go again.
Is your user picture Hades from Lore Olympus?
@@phastinemoon Well yeah of course. Look at the beautiful man!
I always relate to people from the 1600s; being a uneducated peasant in a sea of uneducated peasants.
"Murder isn't a cure-all"
I dunno man, Signora Rossi got a sweet apartment deal out of it
Ah, Blue said murder, not mob justice
I am genuinely curious if that Signora Rossi’s blood line is still around and if either A) they still have that apartment (maybe refurbished but still have it none the less) at what now must be a ridiculously cheep rent (probably), or B) they’re still around in general
@@chrysaor5171 I think the building was demolished and replaced with a statue commemorating her. Still a pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.
@@chrysaor5171 It *was* "For as long as the republic exists". Since the Venetian Republic lasted another 500 years after that point, and was dissolved in 1797, the rent is no longer dirt cheap.
That’s manslaughter, not murder!
Mithridates: “I fear no man... but... that thing-“
_A knife, sword, bow, rock, or literally any weapon that isn’t poison_
Mithridates: “- it scares me.”
You mean "i fear no poison"
I fear Gnome Ann
It's impressive how small an amount of any substance can be lethal mixed with an adequate amount of kenetic energy.
@@dynamicworlds1 "I cut this guy in half with a water jet cutter filled with snake venom".
666 likes
As we say in Denmark: "The revolution was cancelled due to rain"
Truly, the Venetians could have learned from your people.
How much is that said in Denmark? What is happening in Denmark?
Something is wrong in the state of Denmark
“So they laid it out to dry... in front of a fire.”
Ha ha ha! That’s a good... wait. You’re serious. Oh god, they were really that stupid.
I'm amazed it didn't end with them blowing up.
Alexis Crow I’m pretty sure that it did end with them blowing up, actually.
@@murlocknight1427 If there's one thing that blew up, it's their grand master plan, and right in their faces
Puts a hilarious spin on Anonymous using Guy Fawkes as their iconography.
@@reyonXIII now I am picturing what if the Gunpowder Plot had failed not because it was discovered, but because in trying to dry off the powder Guy Fawkes caused it to go off before Parliament was in session...
History books listing the "Explosion of Parliament" as one of the great unsolved mysteries with several conspiracy theories surrounding it, but none of them involving a Catholic coup attempt.
No one:
Theodore Roosevelt: I got shot! Well, anyways, here’s this speech
Then there was Andrew Jackson who beat the living daylights out of his attempted assassin
*well anyway, here's wonderwall*
@@ashleightompkins3200 god Andrew Jackson was a fucjing legend
@@Attaxalotl Mumbo Jumbo?
@@borisaustria4301 just a meme
"It becomes so much easier to solve problems by just Un-existing the people who disagree with you."
Makes me think of this Tumblr Post
"Its 2013 why can't i delete friends in real life"
-"Ok so it turns out what i was thinking of is called murder"
I am being humble when I am telling you that I am the most powerful strongest coolest smartest most famous greatest funniest RUclipsr of all time! That's the reason I have multiple girlfriends and I show them off on my channel all the time! Bye bye girl
AxxL wtf
I REMEMBER THAT ONE!! I laughed so hard when that reemerged last year
0:26 The Cat in the Hat is my favorite political assassin.
Same here, I loved that history class :)
Cat in the Hat started WW1.
It’s my favorite historical documentary.
Lee Hatty Oswald
Cat in the Hat: You have failed the vibe check! **(B O N K)**
I'm imagining Mithridates sampling poison like a fine wine
"Hmm...what is this I am detecting? Undertones of earthiness, with just a splash of bitterness and hatred. Boils in your stomach nicely...delightful"
Yes. I'm sure it is. A fine little cocktail of poisons and maladies. I made it myself.🙂
The good news is you're going to eat like a king. The bad need is that king is Mithiradates.
@@newperve I need to use that line somewhere. That line is glorious.
@@newperve I'm stealing this (but with anonymous credit)
@@vc_whatever I'd you did ill sue you for it's full value. RUclips comments are worth $100,000. That's Zimbabwean dollars but still...
Cleopatra VII: "I test poisons on prisoners so that I may learn their effects and can counter them"
Mithridates VI: "Hold my Hemlock"
"But luckly, there is another, much more efficient option: Murder"
Me, a seasoned Crusader Kings II player: "Ah, I see you are a man of culture as well!"
If you’re not plotting somebody's murder and going through two Byzantine emperors a year, you’re doing something wrong.
@@minerva9104 or are the Byzantine Emperor and doing something very right.
@@dynamicworlds1 Inconceivable. The archives must be incomplete.
@@minerva9104 2 a year? Those are rookie numbers. If you don't have the Byzantine emperor under constant plot, regardless of who he is, having bribed the entire court, then you're doing it wrong.
Look, it's CK2, you're either plotting against or seducing literally everyone always. That's just how it's played.
“No fuss, no persuasion checks, just an ass-ton of explosions”
-an chaotic neutral artificer’s look on diplomacy
who needs persuasion when you have gunpowder?
"It seems like a reasonable response to me. As the size of an explosion increases, the number of social situations it is incapable of solving approaches zero."
@@vinx.9099 On the other hand, gunpowder may grant advantage on intimidation checks.
You man that dude with a mustache in disney's Atlantis?
Signora Rossi: **throws her stone mortar at a conspirator, killing him**
Everyone: *Sniper 100*
My favorite part is the fact that a man was smart enough to become immune to poison... and then tired offing himself with poison...
It’s astonishing and hilarious how dumb smart people can be.
Sometimes poison resistance only works for small amounts. So eating a whole cup of a given poison that one has built a resistance to for a teaspoon at most can still be lethal. It's possible that he didn't want to risk it not working and being incapacitated but still alive and able to recover when the Romans busted the door open to take him prisoner. Boudica took a step further by ordering her attendants to also dismember and hide her body so Rome would have no trophy at all.
"Some of your protestants are alright, don't go to parliament tomorrow."
-Guy Fawkes
All the other MP's with the blown-up kicks.
*Pump Up Kicks start playing*
@@monkey_blu put on that new Medieval Pumped Up Kicks.
Merritt Animation outrun muh arquebus
Polished Up Boots.
tiepolo:
some old lady minding her own business: _im boutta end this man's whole career_
*life
saltiest of the salt let me just correct you there with the qoute:
”You have mama-d your last-a mia”
I'm going to become a legend by ending this man's hole life
Why does this not work when I tried it all I get is a much of media attention and forgotten about a week later,
Also: all the assassination attempts the emperor Nero made against his own mother are pretty ridiculous, including Rube Goldberg level traps, self-sinking boats and good old fashioned creative assassination burnout.
Oh man, I remember my history teacher in high school talking about those, and MAN was it hilarious. XD
He also had this little gem: "Pretty much all roman emperors dies of natural causes. Of course, if you were the emperor, natural causes included disease, being stabbed, being poisoned, being run over with a chariot, burned alive...Basically anything other than dying of old age!"
@@AegixDrakan To be clear, quite a few Roman emperors died of old age. I mean, sure they didn't die peacefully in their bed, but dying to a plot identical to dozens that they survived in their prime is more or less the same thing.
@Aj Farrell
Ironically, Nero's mom pulled a Mithridates' and built up immunity to poisons in order to survive. The only difference was that it was Nero's assassins who stabbed her to death, rather than a friend.
I was really hoping you would talk about the time Theodore Roosevelt was giving a speech when somebody shot him in the chest, but instead of dying he just started berating the assassin with a bullet in his chest.
Or what about the time Andrew Jackson beat the absolute shit out of his would-be assassin?
If you want something more modern, there was a man who was shot by his wife. Turns out he was trying to dirty bomb Obama's inauguration.
@@MysteriumArcanum not only did he beat the shit out of him with a cane, said assassin brought two guns, both of which misfired due to high humidity/rain!
@@Clippy111 And his own bodyguards had to restrain him when I looked their was a very real chance he was gonna club the dude to death.
@@Clippy111 The assassin didn't have two guns. The second gun was pointed at the assassin.
Mithridates: the first one to level his alchemy to 100.
funny ha ha poison man
Huh... didn't know it was a perk of that tree. Is it useful in game? Or is this not actually a skyrim alchemy tree thing?
Actually,the mod Ordinator has Alchemy Tree and that has, as Master perk, you drinking your most lethal poison and if you survive you get even stronger
..Mithridates is my new OC don't steal
@@rafaelfigfigueiredo2988 Ah, a man of culture i see
Glad to see another Nexus friend
_Makes himself immune to poison_
Mithridates: "I'm a genius!"
_Fails to kill himself with poison_
Mithridates: "Oh no!"
Mithridates: Curse me and my genius!
If there is a god, he has the same sense of humor as a sadistic DM.
Amen
Before you develop imminuty to every poison in existince at the time: There's no way I'll ever regret it!
After you develop imminuty to every poison in existince at the time: I was stupid. So stupid.
"John Johnson, esteemed doer of Job in Place!" I'm wheezing 😂
Also my old pastor is named John Johnson
You should show him this video
I’m surprised you didn’t talk about the Chinese Emperor who pulled the video game boss tactic of keeping the assassin on the other side of a pillar by running circles around it
I want to know more about that!
Qin Shi Huang!
Ah, Jing Ke's Wild Carousel in the Imperial Palace. A classic, if I ever saw one.
@@alisalevenseller2796 here is the short of it an emperor if in a meeting someone pulls out a dagger, and the king did have a sword (a ceremonial o a to long to be practical) and none of the other people dared to aproched the emperor (one because it was a crime and because they might get accused of also being assassins) so someone chucks something to the face of the guy buying enough time to get the sword out,
@@alisalevenseller2796 it’s a small part of a very long video but xiran jay zhao has a video about him and talks about it. it’s called the emperor of chinas ridiculously dramatic life
“Ya KnOw, LIKE A PSYCHOPA-“
Psychopath is the best path
0:18
Murder: A great way to get ahead!
*a head
*wheeze
decapitation:a great way to get a head!
Good to know!
Get head**
"Do not mess with a nonna" A lesson every Italian knows to heart... Mostly thanks to two or three sandal-shaped scars on their backs (seriously, old women can have a very impressive aim)
Well they've had a lifetime to practice their aim, so it's not that surprising 😉
Yikes
Or in latino: *Chancla*
@@mirjanbouma wooden spoon
From a Russo-Irish family, the closest possible object was usually the weapon of choice whenever I was being a dolt. Books, spoons, shoes were all fair game pretty much, as long as it wasn’t glass. Mostly for the fact it’d probably break on contact but also for safety reasons.
"Ah yes, John Johnson, who does [Job] at [Place]."
"We're going to ignore the rest of the world and cozy up in Venice." Blue, 2020 and into eternity
Not cool bro, banned from internet 😔✊
Two of my favorit childrensbooks play there, "The water mirror" and "the lord of the thifes"
"Parliament was closed because of the plague" "MOOD"
-Blue 2020, about to be demonetized
"That was the logic of these fine morons."
Probably the best thing Blue said ever.
I'm surprised you didn't choose the assassination attempts on the first Chinese Emperor Qin Shi Huang, including the hiring of a strongman who threw a MASSIVE hammer into a carriage killing a deliberately placed double of the Emperor. And the Emperor ironically poisoned himself seeking a formula for immortality.
His Mother: Nooo you can't just shotgun dozens of poisons and become immune!
Mithridates VI: Ha ha snake venom go glug.
Rattlesnake go brrrr
The great! The legendary hero!
Mithridates VI was the IRL mortarion lol.
Venom is actually perfectly consumable. It must be injected into the blood to be harmful. Poison is of course, a different story.
@@connorgrynol9021 as an aside, venom is only really safe so long as their is no open sores or wounds for which the substance can be absorbed. So if you have ulcers in the stomach, or went a little too hard on the tortilla chips and breakfast cereal, maybe rain check that shot glass of rattlesnake juice.
Fawkes: I'll never tell you their names!
Interrogator: Not even that idiot that wrote to Lord Monteagle?
Fawkes: Oh, yeah, you can have him.
He *WHAT?*
Is this a Horrible Histories reference or am I mistaken?
@@emilymarley4505 Why yes!
"But luckily, there's another, much more efficient option: murder!"
......At least if the assassination isn't botched, a completely different person isn't killed by accident, or the assassination plan isn't uncovered long before an assassin can even be found to do the deed. All of which seem very prone to happening. This is probably where the "bumbling incompetent assassin" trope came from.
What's a good example?
To be fair, competent assassin's tend to not be caught, or even be suspected.
Rome: WE HAVE AN ARMY
Venice: Well, we have Nonna Rossi
"The attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed." - Sheev Palpatine
So this is how liberty dies. With a thunderous applause.
42 likes in 4 minutes.
Is it possible to learn this power?
And that was how the republic died
@@sirapple589 not from a prequels fan
@@sirapple589 Not from a jedi
"Stop sending people to kill me! We've already captured five of them, one of them with a bomb and another with a rifle... If you don't stop sending killers, I'll send a very fast working one to Moscow and I certainly won't have to send another."
- Josip Broz Tito, in a letter to Joseph Stalin
Wait, I missed the context. What does that reference?
@@samuelevans738 The Tito-Stalin Split, or Yugoslav-Soviet Split, was a conflict between the leaders of Yugoslavia and the Soviet Union, which resulted in Yugoslavia's expulsion from the Communist Information Bureau in 1948. Over the next 5 years, Tito faced a total of 22 assassination attempts by Soviet agents until Stalin's death on March 5 1953. The above letter was found in Stalin's office, leading many to believe that he didn't actually die of a stroke, but was poisoned by Tito's assassin.
Even better, Stalin stopped trying to assassinate Tito after that.
@@wraithcadmus cool
Love those little trivia random ppl send and others complement. Thanks, guys
Mithridates basically predicted Skyrim's alchemy system.
What a man
hey, hey- eating random things and then taking notes on whether or not it killed you is a long, fine tradition. Most ancient culinary and medical discoveries were through this method.
Also, this is how we discovered a lot about radiation.
So, he predated Paracelsus by a few centuries. Impressive.
Just don’t eat the Jarrin root.
*Restore stamina learned from Bear Claws.*
*Damage Health learned from Nightshade.*
Bonus round: Andrew Jackson beat his would-be assassin half to death before his friends pulled HIM off of the assassin after both of the assassin's guns misfired.
Which to this day I find as an absolute shame because he totally deserved some assassinating.
And Teddy Roosevelt survived an assassination attempt by having his speech and his eyeglass case in his pocket, which slowed down the bullet, and then gave a 90 minute speech that earned him the appellation "Bull Moose".
One of the friends who pulled Jackson off the would-be assassin was a certain David Crockett of Tennessee.
@@Janoha17 He did open with "It takes more than that to kill a bull mouse..."
Yup, Jackson is the only president in US history to apprehend his own would-be assassin. Not a good president, but definitely a badass.
Blue: He decided to ingest poison in small doses so he could build up an immunity.
Also Blue: Giving up, with a back against a wall, he decided to kill himself with poison. However, it didn't work because he was immune.
Wait. So it actually worked? Man, and here I thought he was just crazy. I mean, I wouldn't try it, but I can't believe his plan ACTUALLY worked. (Well it worked against him in the end, but worked nonetheless.)
Yeah I was sceptical but he legit couldn't be poisoned *even if he wanted to*
No, his body just became resistant. He was an expert in using poisons, no way he was stupid enough to not know how to poison himself. Only, when the time came he decided to share his dose of poison with his wife and kids, sparing them the triumph and hoping what would be left would be enough to kill him. He didn't fail to die because he was immune to all poisons, he failed because he loved his family and didn't plan on having to kill them.
Oh yeah man, building up a resistance to poison through ingestion has been around for AGES. This is literally the same concept as vaccines.
It's basically how alcoholism works
NightRainPanda you a- anti vaccier?
“he died as he lived: not dying of poison” is killing me softly
"We're gonna ignore the rest of the world and cozy up in Venice"
Blues Default setting
John Johnson's respectable business was probably the production of those tiny cocktail drink swords that Mithridates ultimately used to kill himself.
Mithridates was probably their most loyal customer
John Johnson is a saint, those things are awesome
He was the proprietor of 'Ye Olde Thingenesse Shoppe'
@@raziyatheseeker bombs?
“Divine smite comes in many forms and maybe old Venetian ladies with stonewear is a good one to look out for.” I have just found my new paladin build.
Yarg-Xothoth, lord of darkness and scourge of the seven kingdoms, slain by an old woman with a granite bowl.
@@funnyvalentinedidnothingwrong How is that pronounced?
@@tompatterson1548 I would assume it's pronounced the way it looks. No reason it'd have any unusual silent letters or anything.
@@tompatterson1548 Yee-Arg Zah-th-Ah-th
Funny Valentine Did Nothing Wrong not to be confused with yog-sothoth, elder god and incomprehensible horror beyond space and time, whose son was, as Red put it, "magic'd into not really existing" by three guys with magic incantations, magic not-being-invisible juice aka paint and a gun. just a gun.
4:33 And thus, one of the most well loved memes of OSP was born!!!
Rasputin hearing about Mithridates : *Finally a worthy opponent, our battle will be legendary!*
"Some of you guys are cool, don't go to Parliament tomorrow."
- John "Johnny" Johnson, probably.
Ah yes, the person who was a worker who held the job at the place and did the stuff.
It wasn't Fawkes who wrote the letter, it was Francis Tresham. He didn't want his bro-in-law to get blown up.
@@Rabbit-uc5kg Which is fair enough. I wouldn't want my brother/sister-in-law to be blown up ethier.
“no persuasion checks, just an ass-ton of explosives” oh how i wish that’s how my DM would let my dnd character roll
im taking notes
Your character has singlehandedly increased the demand for explosives so much that they are charging you 50x what the rules say they should.
Tom Patterson
Realistically, the NPCs would likely strive to increase the supply if a product as profitable as black powder was suddenly being bought en masse. Which could also cause them to start actively advertising the surplus, inspiring many new customers to what was originally a niche item.
That character could actually kick-start the rise of black powder, causing it to be researched and eventually used for various new explosives imcluding, but not limited to, mass-produced firebombs for infantry units. They'll escalate to clearing out bandit hideouts with explosives, and bandits will escalate in turn to holding entire buildings for ransom with bomb threats. Truly, a new era has begun because of that character's insistence to solve problems with a bang.
@@altsadhara That sounds fun ngl.
As a dungeon master i have to say NO BAD
“My king, we have gathered the finest doctors in the land to assist with the research you ordered.”
Mithridates: ok time to *cronk poison*
"there's a much more efficient option, Murder. ... The nominal simplicity of Huck-a-javelin-though-his-abdomen." -Blue, 2020
*he died as he lived: not dying from poison* **claps**
Mithridates was also know as “The Poison King”, at parties he would consume lethal doses of poison to flex on his guests. He also concocted arguably the first Anti-Biotic using his extensive knowledge of medicine. Though he also married his half sisters as well, so yeah.
But marrying your family was something all the cool kings did then, so it's fine
Were they hot?
"That makes it even better!"
That's pretty much par for the course for royals though
@@reesehendricksen4838 yeah that's great and all but did he choose the hot ones
I’ve watched Red’s half of this channel for almost a year now. HOW HAS IT TAKEN ME /THIS/ LONG TO APPRECIATE BLUE?! Dude, you’re hilarious, and I’m. About. To binge. Some history.
Great ruler who ruled for 57 years and expanded his small kingdom: *exists*
Blue: haha funni poison-man go brr
"What have we learned today?"
Be terrified of old ladies wielding stone mortars?
There is no immunity you can get to being stabbed?
@@merrittanimation7721 Well not with _that_ attitude!
She had the high ground.
@@merrittanimation7721 It's called a secure castle. Or a tank for the modern day.
"make sure you have proper weather before staging a coup?"
In an alternate universe:
Roman Assassin: Er, General?
Pompey: Hm?
RA: Good news, bad news situation. The good news is, the poison had an effect. The bad news is...uh...
Mithridates the Hulk: *breaks into camp* Persia SMASH!
OH NO
Is that even a thing?!
Samuel Evans I mean there were the berserker mushrooms
@@wildhunter939 huh...
@@wildhunter939 That's been discredited... Although there is evidence in Viking graves of bath salt like drugs and types of nightshade which may have been used to induce the Berserker state.
Every year on the fifth of November, I am going to share this video to show everyone that Guy Fawkes was not a revolutionary hero, but an idiot who Alan Moore made more interesting and competent than he actually was.
Thing is, I don't think V uses the Guy Fawkes mask because he admires Fawkes. I think he uses it for symbolism. Despite not being the mastermind, he's the one who is most closely associated with the Gunpowder Plot. Has his own holiday and everything. So, with V using terror tactics, he wants to send the message of, “I’m going to blow you all the fuck up.”
Fun fact: us Brits actually celebrate guy fawkes on bonfire night by burning straw dolls of him.
Blue: And it might've worked if they'd had more than five brain cells amongst them.
Me: Five's being a bit generous, dontcha think?
it reads, like a goddamn joke at coups...How, How did they think this would work?
@@kyokyodisaster4842 I will give them credit for thinking big picture and realizing they needed the raw numbers of a popular uprising, strong allies, and to hit with all available force on their first strike.
The rest is just plain stupid.
The guy who sent the note was the brother in law of the recipient, if I remember correctly. So maybe he was trying to avoid losing every marital dispute going forward?
Grandma: Let me tell you a story...
Grandchild: *sigh* Here we go again.
Grandma: A STORY ABOUT THAT TIME I MURDERED AN ASSASSIN
Edit: I came back to this 7 months later and it's got over 500 likes! Thank you all so much!
*RESPECT YOUR ABUELA OR GET VIBE CHECKED BY MY BOWL, BOY!*
Imagine an 80-something year old actually saying either of your comments, I'm wheeze
@@CooledJets You do realize that once our generation reaches that age we'll probably be saying that kind of shit? xD Its gonna be wonderful. So many old memes
Yohannai personally, I cannot wait
Yukka Kirisame Abuela is Spanish, should be Nonna.
I am so sad that the failed assassination on Theodore Roosevelt wasn’t included here. Man was shot in the heart at point-blank and went on to still give his speech for over an hour
It's a bit sad that Blue didn't talk about the assassination attempt on Emperor Qin Shi Huang by Jing Ke:
The dagger Jing Ke used was hidden in a map he was presenting to Qin, but he failed to stab the emperor. Qin started to run away from the assassin while trying to draw his long ceremonial sword because his underlings couldn't help him (weapons weren't allowed in the palace). So the emperor ran around a pillar (I've heard he ran around it several times) until he was able to draw the sword and finish of Jing Ke on his own
“History is long and people are kinda morons sometimes”
Jeez doesn’t that just sum up history in a sentence
I’m aware that the “Do NOT mess with a nonna” at the end is a joke but as an Italian I assure you, in Italian culture this statement is taken VERY SERIOUSLY. Also Signora Rossi is my new favorite national hero ❤️
Really?
@@the24thcolossusjustchillin39 yep, in italy there are 2 rules that are older that our nation itself:
1. your nonna is the best cook in this plane of existence (this applies for every single Italian simultaneously);
2. any sentence uttered by your grandparents (but especially your nonna) is ABSOLUTE LAW never to be questioned.
The good news is that every nonna has an endless factory of candies and sweets that she'll give you like the smoothest drug dealer there is (or at least this applies to me).
@@the24thcolossusjustchillin39 italian grandmothers make you an humble person by bringing divine terror into you ....
@@richardvblack9415 I literally don't know how to respond to that
@@richardvblack9415 as a second generation American, from Sicilian grandparents,
I can say this also applies in the US
XD
DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. GRANDPARENTS.
"... parliament was closed for most of the year because of plague - mood ....." 5:00
I feel that
That old lady is great I love how after helping to stop an assassination when asked what she wanted in return she just wanted to fly the flag and not have her rent raised
There’s an entire family line of John Johnson’s in my town, I think we’re at John Johnson the fifth
Ya kiddin pls
Do you live at Place?
John, son of John, son of John, son of John, son of John, son of John.
I am very sure they are well known for doing Job at Place
@@impish_snake3526 The thing is, they're so usual it's unusual :'D
Assassin:" haha, i've poisoned the water supply!"
Mithridates:" thanks man, appreciated"
*everyone drinking the water drops dead*
Mithridates: babies.
Romans appear with trebuches (?) "Parry this, you fucking casual!"
Qin-Shi Huangdi: *losing sanity on mercury pills* "Teach me your ways, Mithridates!"
Mithridates: "Sorry but I'm still another century from being born. Maybe try constructing a river of liquid mercury in your tomb cause that would be metal af"
Was that pun inteded?
Mithradates: "Do you do poison?"
"Needless to say the royal kiddos were not pumped with the idea of a
*a r s e n i c s i p p y c u p* "
Everyone: politics require a subtle touch, a certain finesse, etc.
Guy Fawkes: ok...but hear me out...explosions
and john johnson
Guy fawkes? More lile guy TORGUE
Mithradates has the coolest moniker ever: The Poison King
How rad is that?
5:19 when the quiet kid tells you not to be in Parliament tomorrow
That note to the MP has the exact same energy as:
"You're a good kid, don't come to school tomorrow".
absolutely
Fun fact: Drinking venom often times doesn’t do anything because it’s often broken down in the stomach. Venom must be injected, poison must be eaten or absorbed.
Open sores or wounds, like ulcers or the aftermath of gorging on chips or breakfast cereal can be a potential absorption point for venom. So, be sure to check your meal plan charts accordingly.
Okay, so I'm a toxicology student and this is actually a really cool quirk of the human language.
Something is a poison if it is harmful to ingest or inhale. Arsenic, cyanide, COCAINE and PURE OXYGEN are all poisons.
Something is a venom if it is harmful to inject. Snake venoms, any kind of acids or alkaline solutions, WATER and AIR are venoms.
The catchall term is toxic. A substance is toxic if it is in any way harmful to humans. And a fun fact about toxicity: EVERYTHING IS TOXIC.
LITERALLY.
Anything in a high enough dose will kill a person. Drink too much water? You'll die. Too high an oxygen concentration in the air? You'll die. Eat too much spinach? Yup, that's right, you'll die. Sorry Popeye, but your diet is literally toxic. And poisonous.
A nice analogy we use on my course is the snake and the frog.
If the snake bites the frog and the frog dies, the snake is venomous.
If the snake bites the frog and the snake dies, the frog is poisonous.
Both of them are toxic.
@@reecelongden3500 Yo, do you have any recommended books to further expand this toxicology knowledge? It seems like a fun science to dig in during these strange times
Too much oxygen will kill you? Smells like a Jojo reference to me!
Also yeah, “the dose makes the poison” or something like that, is that right? Pretty funny to think about in a way
@@reecelongden3500 So what happens of a snail bites you?
bravo to Blue (and/or Indigo) for making relatively normal sentences funny. The music cutting out when he said "high explosives" (3:40) was perfect.
0:15 I love the driver's face looking at the shooter, like "My brother in christ, do you realize the consequences of what you've just done! You've doomed us all!"
To quote SAO Abridged: “Have you ever thought about MURDER?”
From the Laughing Coffin commercial.
Hey, it was a beat we could all dance to
@@enkiimuto1041
Ooooh man, I got chills.
Ad campaign. PR blast. Get your faces out there! Send an email with your exact location to every player in the game!
why not the I.M.P
Guy Fawkes: So I'm not crazy! Isn't that great, Catholic Jesus?
Catholic Jesus:That's right Fawkesy. Now... kill them all!
Guy Fawkes: As you command my liege.
Kinda wish you had gone with Jing Ke's assassination attempt of the emperor Qin Shi Huang, in which the emperor escaped the assassin by running around a column until someone else finally caught the assassin chasing him.
Benny Hill presumably blaring at full volume.
To add to the Benny Hill theme, Qin Shu Huang tried to draw his sword to defend himself. Problem was, he was wearing his ceremonial sword, which was so long that he couldn’t extend his arm far enough for the blade to clear the scabbard. So presumably he was running around the column while holding his sword 3/4s drawn and trying to find a better angle.
@@davidblair9877
That's funny. I'd heard "ceremonial sword" and thought that meant it was just fancy and made out of precious metals (solid gold or something) that made it useless as an actual sword. The fact that it was just comically long hadn't occurred to me.
On the subject of ceremonial swords, are you familiar with the marine officer who led the storming of John Brown's Fort in Harper's Ferry? Apparently he'd been in a rush to get to the fiasco and grabbed his dress sword. When he confronted Brown, he made a stab at his chest. Brown was wearing a US cartridge cross belt, and the sword was deflected and bent. So the officer did what marines do (improvise, adapt, and overcome) and bashed Brown in the face with the knuckle guard.
you should do another one of these, and include Teddy Roosevelt, Bismarck, Andrew Jackson, and the Chinese Emperor who avoided an assassin by running around a pillar, Bugs Bunny style.
“One of these glasses has Iocaine powder in them”
Mythrodates: Hold my copperhead
2 shots for me please it's treat yourself friday
-Mithridates
Alt. History: Mithridates ate knives to gain their power.
I shall gain the power of stab!
But you can already do that, *WITH THE KNIVES*
You're no fun
Alt. Alt. History: Mithridates ate age to gain immunity to it.
Deanholder De old people would die soon anyway
“I AM THE BONE OF MY KNIVES”
So would he grow claws like Wolverine?
4:10 ah yes, the low charisma wizard’s best solution to any diplomatic issue: “I cast fireball.”
"I cast Explosion."
"Wait- is that a real spell? Let me check-"
"I CAST EXPLOSION!"
“Funny haha poison man” is the most blursed thing I have ever heard in all my life I mean I have been wheezing for thirty minutes and I just can’t anymore omfg
Guy Fawks right before he's killed: "You guys may not have had a blast, but I had a pretty good time."
These fools call themselves assassins? Pah!
Professionals have _standards:_
- Be polite
- Be efficient
- Have a plan to kill everyone you meet
Words to live by
@@Ezosresiak that would be the tenants of the brotherhood, but these are still good tho
I mean 36 barrels of gunpowder is probably enough to kill everyone you ever met, so long as you can get them all in one place
@@arnieldraco5465 yeah, um.... my ex would likely survive the blast because that's the luck I've got
Because so long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead.