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We sure are. I'm at a loss for words quite often. But if someone is rude to someone for no reason at all I will say something. People who are innocent or just anybody they don't deserve to be treated like crap. Especially children and the elderly. Those are the things I speak up for.
Brilliant!!! And so simple. I have spent 40+ years not being able to stand up for myself (a childhood filled with being bullied) and all it takes is to have the right words (and attitude). Thank you for this.
Not shy, but so polite that I never know what to say! I tend to either ignore things or on rare occasion, turn into the Hulk. I need so much help just being assertive😂
Being able to stand up for yourself is so powerful! Being and introvert and automatically labeled as shy is frustrating in itself. These videos are informative, but funny at the same time. That being said, these techniques can be applied to realistically to real life situations.
Every time I watch one of your videos, I'm always floored by your skill. I would absolutely love to hang out with you. See you in action. I can't even imagine how much time and money it cost you to learn this stuff so well. In a world where they're dumbing people down and redefining words and language... you're like Obi Wan Kenobi with words instead of a light saber. And thank you for all the value and education that you just give away. Kudo's to you, Dan.
Thank you for your kind words, Donald. I very much appreciate them. I learned most of what I teach in the world of hard knocks--so to speak. My formal education has been far surpassed by life's education, though I found/find value in both :)
I literally just ignore the gross people and remember they are pitiful, and to not get entangled I just need to be polite and ignore them. And make supportive friendships, goals, and nice moments that are just for me in my life. They are scenery around just a few steps of my path and I'm not planning to camp out where they are. I've never in my life intentionally pointed out someone's flaws or a flawed dynamic out loud, I just cut off or distance people.
Hannah, this is a great comment. I've read it a few times so it sinks in as I get ready to spend Christmas Eve and Day with my mom and my visiting from D.C. passive-aggressive sister, her snooty husband, and their kids. I'm not sure what went wrong with the relationship, she refuses to talk about it. I'm resigned that this is how it is. Your comment and Dan's video are thoughtful and well-timed. Thank you both and Happy Holidays to all!
I do this too but one day a therapist suggested that altho withdrawal could at times be a good strategy, it might also feel like me letting myself down by not standing up for myself. And this could result in frustration and anger with self.
I hope so. Remember what Einstein said: "If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't know it." I try to teach what we all can use and I hope I'm doing that. :) :). Thanks, Maggie.
I need to keep educating myself by watching more of your videos. I thought I was totally "Christmas ready" for the usual narc mother in law and I literally was prepared, but wasn't expecting the horrible passive aggressive sister in law disgusting attitude. I was dumbfounded and caught off guard, definitely needing to learn more on responding to really rude comments from the partners family.....
Love your advice. The problem I have is that some people when confronted go into victim mode:"I can't believe you would accuse me of something like that."
This was so helpful as someone who works in retail, and finds it so difficult when customers are extremely rude to me. I have always had difficulty standing up for myself and then feeling angry because I should have. I have struggled my whole life with this, but your videos are so inspiring. Thank you Dan.
This guys approach sounds so self righteous and preachy. Non verbal communication can be effective, like don't laugh or respond to such comments or just say " that's rude "
I’m an introvert and I’m kind of even. So I am always physically shocked when someone is rude. Particularly if they’re overt and raging. They always rage about things that, at worst, mildly annoy me. And at best don’t even register on my radar. So it feels like I get blindsided by this sometimes.
Hope this helps BeckBeck. The world is full of rudeness, unfortunately, and it seems the only way to change that is one conversation at a time. That means we all have to spread the word. And mind you--extroverts find rudeness difficult as well. They shouldn't be engaging in it either, any more than introverts. Somebody's grandma was right when she said "Mind your tongue." :) :)
LOVE this! I’ve seen people do this, but it’s nice to see it explained in steps. The younger generation might not understand what it means to use the “broken record” method, though. Maybe they do since it’s still used as examples, but it’s something to consider.
Amazing. You reminded me of an experience I had as a young adult at thanksgiving with my family. After being body shamed all my life I was growing confident in my body after drastic weightloss and lifestyle changes. I did just what you discussed to one of my family members who persistently body shamed me so much that I still struggle with body dysmorphia. It was the most liberating feeling to do this. And my life slowly changed. I still struggle with body dysmorphia to this day 20+ yrs later. The impacts of lifetime body shaming in families has such a deep psychological damage to one’s psyche. I still have to detect the negative self talk and really look hard to see, SEE myself and not what my mind has been conditioned to think of me.
Kudos for realizing that the negative self-talk has to be kicked out of your head and replaced with the knowledge that you are find and wonderful and beautiful EXACTLY as you are==fat, thin, or somewhere in between. Who sets these measures of beauty, anyway? Who are they? BANISH THEM.
I wish I was more confident using this technique because it’s honest and straightforward and necessary- respect self and others! What stops me from being this direct is that most people (at least in the Deep South where I live) don’t react to this in a positive manner. It can result in anger, alienation, embarrassing the other person, etc. I try not to sweat the small petty and only am able to use this strategy if the person’s comment/behavior is really tipping the “hateful” scale. I need to practice this and improve my skills! Thanks for inspiring and sharing the tools
Zipinbyu, you might be surprised at the reaction you get. You'll never know unless you start experimenting, and make these phrases your own--with your own twist, turn, flavor.
I love your advice. One of many things I do, is prepare answers/replies in advance, ie if anyone ever says [. ] again - this is what I'll say. I then practice saying it for days/weeks. My replies often shuts down the rude remark. The other day a friend visited me. I just starting coming my hair - had not even finished and she blurted "why you doing your hair like that ..." I said, excuse me, I'm 62, not 22". She went quiet and we moved on !!
Dan! I’m thinking about you constantly & what you would say since finding your channel. I’ve recommended you to my kids, husband & friends when they tell me stories of their frustrations with others. Thank you, this will be a better holiday season, thank you !!!
I love (and needed) your videos. I'm recognizing unhealthy behaviors of people in my life through your videos. Thank you for giving me my voice on how to "not reward (so it's) not repeated". Blessings to all that you do with all my Love.
Fabulous advice for dealing with people in our lives. Thankfully, I will be spending Christmas with my side of the family; they are my tribe so I love, adore them and know how to handle odd situations that arise. Next Christmas, I will need to use these techniques for sure with my NON-tribe family AKA the in-laws. Love watching your videos as they help with daily interactions with difficult folks.
There should NEVER be a choice between a spouse and a parent. It's completely two separate relationships and they are of equal value and both deserve respect. How sad if it's not the case. Imagine if people were just kind to begin with! 👍💯
Thanks for the helpful video, Dan. Do you have a video for people who cut you off, interrupt, make assumptions of the situation and/or topic and they’re wrong because they refuse to listen?! I’m having trouble with that in the workplace and in my social life and I would like to respond with effective communication. I hope my question made sense. Lol 😬
Thanks for the advice. I’m an introvert but learning new ways of responding to rude and offensive people because I got so sick of coming away from those situations and not having anything to say, but thinking of it after! I’m in the UK and the covert racism and xenophobia seems rife at the moment and I end up with steam coming out my ears when I hear it first hand! I have start asking people when they make snide comments, exactly what they mean by their comment or what makes them say it… it seems to make them stop in there tracks and start to think… but also make them realise (in such a very subtle, British way 😂) I’m not cool with them saying those things and it’s not appropriate at any time for that matter. I find I can still be my authentic self when I take this approach 😊
Kudos and bravo to you Ursnstu. Spotlighting bad behavior and asking the offender to repeat it or asking them what they mean is an EXCELLENT way to shut people down. Snide, cutting, snarky people like to be snide in the dark. When you shine a light on them (more precisely, on their behavior), they stop in their tracks. And this is something an introvert or an extrovert can do-- so again KUDOS.
Dan, thank you for these amazing videos. Funny, practical, brilliant and empowering........You are giving the world the skills to become a more loving, positive place. Many thanks from Jacquie in Canada
Your advice is so helpful. Do you have any content about how to advocate for yourself when interacting with rude or aggressive health care providers? I have had a series of awful interactions that were so rude I felt uncomfortable having the person start the IV, or examine me, etc. When I tried to stand up for myself the aggressive comments and harsh tone got worse. Would love some ideas about how to engage in a way where I am not accused of being “combative” (yes, this is the term that was put in the chart notes to describe me standing up for myself.)
I would be quiet during the ordeal, and then never ever use them as healthcare providers again. Before leaving, I would consider whether it was in my best interests to tell them that I'll never be returning--and why.
How does one handle someone who uses a certain condescending or snarky tone with you when you may disagree with them and it leaves you feeling attacked? I tend to ignore it but sometimes it feels like I'm not sticking up for myself , but i also don't want to escalate anything
A colleague in our office has been emailing me with short impolite emails such as “send it to them”.. so I responded with “thanks for your email. Just a note - using please in requests can help bring a positive tone to our communication 😊..” since then she’s been using very exaggerated polite language in her emails to me lol like “that would be splendid!” And thank you so much!! But it’s obvious that it’s fake.. should I just keep ignoring or call her out on the fake politeness? It’s weird! 😂 also I love your videos ❤ so valuable!!
My current struggle/issue is with someone who repeatedly is telling me what I "should do". This happens often throughout a day with this relative. In the past, I have countered with.... don't manage me, stop managing me, but to no avail. I like your idea of spotlighting the behavior. Before I saw your video. I had decided to counter with.... I'm fine with this particular choice or this particular situation, and I would love to continue by saying that don't remember asking for any advice. (Let's see how far I get with this approach!
You can also hold back on the main courses a bit so you have room to eat BOTH pies. Just say you can't choose, because they're both the greatest of all time in their own category. You just can't choose between pecan and apple. Or suppose they both made apple. Just make up some gourmet crap like "This one is so light and refreshing like fresh apples. This one has the warm undertones of cinnamon and hearth. I can't choose. Don't make me choose...." I also love Dan's line about having all the pie he wants later. 😉
Claudine, you don't want to "hit back." You want to spotlight bad behavior and put an end to it as it pertains to YOU. Hitting back is sinking to their level, and you don't want to do that, do you? Wouldn't you prefer to be both effective AND mindful?
You might be talking about yourself, but I assure you that anyone within listening range (that has a perceived weight problem) will relate the comments to himself or herself. It's kind of like a 5' man standing among little people and bemoaning how short he is.
One issue that has come up is that recently i moved from one job position to another because of harassment issues on the job. A mutual friend of a coworker mentioned that she was upset b/c she felt I should have not gotten the position due to her hearing I was not good at my last job. Basically, she wanted someone else to get the position is what it boils down to. She did not say this to me directly, however, I am on the fence as to whether to confront it or not and how.
Z, I would recommend doing nothing except your job. Be good at it. That will lay all gossip to rest. Don't confront someone via second-hand gossip. If you want to speak to someone, speak to the person who repeated the gossip. Ask him/her what they said to defend you. Tell that person that if you DO choose to talk to the person who made the comment, you will begin by telling them who repeated the comment to you. If you are upset, you should be upset with the person who brought the gossip TO YOU.
Here's a question Dan: What is the best way to respond to strangers who are trying to be friendly but ask overly personal questions. Questions like this might not bother some people but they bother me, a lot when it's coming from someone I'll never see again. I went to a doctors appt today and one of the office techs was just trying to be friendly, but it felt more like an interview. He fired off questions one after the next. "So, do you have kids? Where do your parents live? Do you have other family in the area? I do not have kids. My parents are dead. I only have one relative in state. Honestly, family is a sore subject for me because I don't have any family to speak of. It's a vulnerable area for me to discuss. I don't want to share ANY personal information with an office tech, an Uber driver or the clerk at the grocery store. I made the mistake of answering his questions dispite feeling instantly uncomfortable. I suppose it I didn't want to be rude and I didn't know how to respond. (I literally thought to myself, if only I could ask Dan what he would say right now.) How would you have addresses that situation to redirect things? If I could do it over I should have stopped things at "So, do you have kids?" And redirected the conversation. I failed to hold my boundaries today. Time improve my skills! Maybe I could have said, "I appreciate your friendliness, but I would prefer not to chitchat about family. Then I could have asked if he had any fun plans for the day? I have learned so much from you and continue to do so. Thank you so much Dan! You are helping so many people and it's amazing. 🙂
Better to ascend to a higher--and shared--plane: "Don't we have more interesting/productive things to talk about? How about _______?" and change the topic to something more enjoyable or useful. You can even stay on the topic of nutrition and discuss recent science news related to it.
Come to the live show next Tuesday at 7:00 Chicago time and ask your question, after you join my YT channel :) ruclips.net/channel/UC5Zb02pmVD2VA7lnx8mV4gwjoin
Some of my “friends” they aren’t like my real friends but we hangout in the same friend group, they always talk to me like I’m not smart and like I don’t understand simple things. I try to remember saying something’s that you suggested. Most of the time they just look at me and roll their eyes..
Warrior, PRACTICE, PRACTICE PRACTICE. Communication skills are like any other. you have to practice--maybe when you're all by yourself. Remember the scenarios you've already faced. Decide how you'll handle them in the future and then practice, so you're ready the next time someone attacks your intelligence or rolls their eyes.
Dan is awesome for specific communication problems. I strongly recommend for your friend problem, Love Your Natural channel, and maybe Cassandra Mack's channel. Both of them talk about when friends aren't really on your side, and give you real usable suggestions. You need to get the friends you deserve, which definitely isn't people who don't actually like you. Of course, keep going with Dan's advice, too. He's so amazing.
Specific situation: someone who is privileged, more well spoken than you but is rude to you, so everyone automatically takes the other person’s side. They are the rude one but are saying you are rude, when you are just being direct about their behavior.
This will happen. People can be misled by flowery speech. Just keep being direct, mindful, and protective of your own boundaries. That's more important than the reaction of onlookers.
HaPpY Holidays Dan O' The Man O' !!! We love u!!! Thanku for teaching us GREAT TECHNIQUES, SKILLS and STRATEGIES!!! Love to U and Yours, from The Oregon Coast!!! Angel n Brenna❤️😇🐶
I was at Target a few days ago and in the self-check out had an older man step up to tell me one of my items didn't beep. Although very careful when scanning, I did check the screen and showed him the line for the item verifying it was rung up. It was so humiliating since everyone around was looking and listening...to top it off, the register ran out of paper and had to ask the attendent to refill the receipt paper. She did with an attitude and look of disdain towards me...signaling with an aeire of disgust to take my receipt. It's been four days and still haven't come up with a proper response to such rudeness other than to do what I did (show him the line verifying my HONESTY to him), and still losing sleep over feeling so ambarrassed and belittled...and WRONGED...UHG!
Dan, I know how sometimes these things take up residence in your brain. You are giving it way too much importance. Perhaps if you try putting it into perspective. Ask yourself if this is the biggest problem you've had in the past four days. (BTW, I think you handled it well. You showed a busy-body that he was wrong. End of story. Running out of paper was another issue and you encountered a rude person, but remember, her rudeness spoke volumes about her and NOTHING about you.). Now if this is the worst problem you've had in the last four days--thank God and replace those thoughts with ones of gratitude for the charmed life you're leading. I'm serious. Been there; done that. In terms of response--I would have handled everything just as you did. You were questioned; you showed the man he was wrong; you needed a receipt; you asked for paper; the csr was rude--you let that be her problem, not yours.
6:14 … you only see them once a year and this is why…. 😂😂😂 Yep! In your 40s/50s you finally realize you can see those people 0 days a year and solve this behaviour permanently- but I sure would’ve appreciated this SOS technique before that haha. 🎉
HEY MY FRIENDS: If these videos are having a positive impact on you, please show your support by becoming a CHANNEL MEMBER and/or clicking the THANKS BUTTON above and leaving a little love. A little love will allow me to continue delivering these videos directly to you!
Thank you for empowering all of us shy people who are so often at a loss for words in difficult situations.
We sure are. I'm at a loss for words quite often. But if someone is rude to someone for no reason at all I will say something. People who are innocent or just anybody they don't deserve to be treated like crap. Especially children and the elderly. Those are the things I speak up for.
Brilliant!!! And so simple. I have spent 40+ years not being able to stand up for myself (a childhood filled with being bullied) and all it takes is to have the right words (and attitude).
Thank you for this.
You're welcome and happy to help.
Not shy, but so polite that I never know what to say! I tend to either ignore things or on rare occasion, turn into the Hulk. I need so much help just being assertive😂
I hope I am helping, Andi.
Being able to stand up for yourself is so powerful! Being and introvert and automatically labeled as shy is frustrating in itself. These videos are informative, but funny at the same time. That being said, these techniques can be applied to realistically to real life situations.
Absolutely!! They are designed for real-life situations, not a classroom :)
Every time I watch one of your videos, I'm always floored by your skill. I would absolutely love to hang out with you. See you in action. I can't even imagine how much time and money it cost you to learn this stuff so well. In a world where they're dumbing people down and redefining words and language... you're like Obi Wan Kenobi with words instead of a light saber.
And thank you for all the value and education that you just give away. Kudo's to you, Dan.
Thank you for your kind words, Donald. I very much appreciate them. I learned most of what I teach in the world of hard knocks--so to speak. My formal education has been far surpassed by life's education, though I found/find value in both :)
Your advice about the forehead forward, direct communication, and clarifying questions is changing my life! Thank you.
I literally just ignore the gross people and remember they are pitiful, and to not get entangled I just need to be polite and ignore them. And make supportive friendships, goals, and nice moments that are just for me in my life. They are scenery around just a few steps of my path and I'm not planning to camp out where they are. I've never in my life intentionally pointed out someone's flaws or a flawed dynamic out loud, I just cut off or distance people.
Great philosophy--and visual :)
Hannah, this is a great comment. I've read it a few times so it sinks in as I get ready to spend Christmas Eve and Day with my mom and my visiting from D.C. passive-aggressive sister, her snooty husband, and their kids. I'm not sure what went wrong with the relationship, she refuses to talk about it. I'm resigned that this is how it is. Your comment and Dan's video are thoughtful and well-timed. Thank you both and Happy Holidays to all!
Thanks for your observations, and Happy Holiday to you Jules. I hope things went well at your mother's over Christmas :)
I do this too but one day a therapist suggested that altho withdrawal could at times be a good strategy, it might also feel like me letting myself down by not standing up for myself. And this could result in frustration and anger with self.
You are so funny. Love how the tools you give out. You must be the easiest communication person for us to understand.
I hope so. Remember what Einstein said: "If you can't explain it to a six year old, you don't know it." I try to teach what we all can use and I hope I'm doing that. :) :). Thanks, Maggie.
I love your videos, and I love when you drop your voice when you're discussing examples of our least favorite behavior lol
😊 thank you
I need to keep educating myself by watching more of your videos. I thought I was totally "Christmas ready" for the usual narc mother in law and I literally was prepared, but wasn't expecting the horrible passive aggressive sister in law disgusting attitude. I was dumbfounded and caught off guard, definitely needing to learn more on responding to really rude comments from the partners family.....
Stay tuned; more coming.
Love your advice. The problem I have is that some people when confronted go into victim mode:"I can't believe you would accuse me of something like that."
"That may be but--I am. I am addressing your behavior."
This was so helpful as someone who works in retail, and finds it so difficult when customers are extremely rude to me. I have always had difficulty standing up for myself and then feeling angry because I should have.
I have struggled my whole life with this, but your videos are so inspiring. Thank you Dan.
You're welcome, Bambina.
This guys approach sounds so self righteous and preachy. Non verbal communication can be effective, like don't laugh or respond to such comments or just say " that's rude "
Sure.
I’m an introvert and I’m kind of even. So I am always physically shocked when someone is rude. Particularly if they’re overt and raging. They always rage about things that, at worst, mildly annoy me. And at best don’t even register on my radar.
So it feels like I get blindsided by this sometimes.
Hope this helps BeckBeck. The world is full of rudeness, unfortunately, and it seems the only way to change that is one conversation at a time. That means we all have to spread the word. And mind you--extroverts find rudeness difficult as well. They shouldn't be engaging in it either, any more than introverts. Somebody's grandma was right when she said "Mind your tongue." :) :)
This was incredibly helpful as I prepare to deal with some difficult family this weekend (my own and in-laws - there’s one in every family!)
Glad it was helpful!
LOVE this! I’ve seen people do this, but it’s nice to see it explained in steps.
The younger generation might not understand what it means to use the “broken record” method, though. Maybe they do since it’s still used as examples, but it’s something to consider.
Amazing. You reminded me of an experience I had as a young adult at thanksgiving with my family. After being body shamed all my life I was growing confident in my body after drastic weightloss and lifestyle changes.
I did just what you discussed to one of my family members who persistently body shamed me so much that I still struggle with body dysmorphia.
It was the most liberating feeling to do this. And my life slowly changed. I still struggle with body dysmorphia to this day 20+ yrs later.
The impacts of lifetime body shaming in families has such a deep psychological damage to one’s psyche.
I still have to detect the negative self talk and really look hard to see, SEE myself and not what my mind has been conditioned to think of me.
Kudos for realizing that the negative self-talk has to be kicked out of your head and replaced with the knowledge that you are find and wonderful and beautiful EXACTLY as you are==fat, thin, or somewhere in between. Who sets these measures of beauty, anyway? Who are they? BANISH THEM.
Dan, I was at my specialist doctor today and I mentioned how much I have grown watching you. She wrote down your name to learn some things herself.
Many thanks, Tara :)
I wish I was more confident using this technique because it’s honest and straightforward and necessary- respect self and others! What stops me from being this direct is that most people (at least in the Deep South where I live) don’t react to this in a positive manner. It can result in anger, alienation, embarrassing the other person, etc. I try not to sweat the small petty and only am able to use this strategy if the person’s comment/behavior is really tipping the “hateful” scale. I need to practice this and improve my skills! Thanks for inspiring and sharing the tools
Zipinbyu, you might be surprised at the reaction you get. You'll never know unless you start experimenting, and make these phrases your own--with your own twist, turn, flavor.
I am totally improving my communication skills with Dan O'Conner! Heck yeah! Thank you, Dan. Cheers!
Fantastic!
I have ADHD and I'm always lost for words in these types of situations. Thanks so much for the template. Happy holidays!
Happy holidays to you too NL.
Dan - thank you for bringing the shine to self-empowerment.
Wishing you wonderful holiday joy ✨
Happy holidays, filled with joy SK.
I love your advice. One of many things I do, is prepare answers/replies in advance, ie if anyone ever says [. ] again - this is what I'll say. I then practice saying it for days/weeks. My replies often shuts down the rude remark. The other day a friend visited me. I just starting coming my hair - had not even finished and she blurted "why you doing your hair like that ..." I said, excuse me, I'm 62, not 22". She went quiet and we moved on !!
Practice really does make perfect. If only more people could see that :)
Dan! I’m thinking about you constantly & what you would say since finding your channel. I’ve recommended you to my kids, husband & friends when they tell me stories of their frustrations with others. Thank you, this will be a better holiday season, thank you !!!
ColeeCadet, thanks for the shares and your kind words :). You're making me blush ☺
I love (and needed) your videos. I'm recognizing unhealthy behaviors of people in my life through your videos. Thank you for giving me my voice on how to "not reward (so it's) not repeated". Blessings to all that you do with all my Love.
Thank you for giving us practical, real-life examples. Marvelous coaching style- very engaging. Thank you, Dan!
My pleasure, Dragon.
Fabulous advice for dealing with people in our lives. Thankfully, I will be spending Christmas with my side of the family; they are my tribe so I love, adore them and know how to handle odd situations that arise. Next Christmas, I will need to use these techniques for sure with my NON-tribe family AKA the in-laws. Love watching your videos as they help with daily interactions with difficult folks.
Enjoy this year--and prepare for the next :)
Thought provoking- thank you 🙏
Thank you for organizing our thoughts and giving us the words to say what we want to say effectively.
You are very welcome Sharondoan.
There should NEVER be a choice between a spouse and a parent. It's completely two separate relationships and they are of equal value and both deserve respect. How sad if it's not the case. Imagine if people were just kind to begin with! 👍💯
You’re my hero in communication skills! You’re so talented. 🙏💝
Thank you! 😊
You are excellent and always positive. Thank you from all of us introverts. ❤️
You're welcome, on behalf of a fellow introvert. Yes, I am an introvert also. Sometimes I have to STRETCH myself to reach my goals. We all do.
Thanks for the helpful video, Dan. Do you have a video for people who cut you off, interrupt, make assumptions of the situation and/or topic and they’re wrong because they refuse to listen?! I’m having trouble with that in the workplace and in my social life and I would like to respond with effective communication. I hope my question made sense. Lol 😬
Your question made sense and I invite you to search my channel for the answers. You'll find them. Put INTERRUPTING into search :)
Just spotlighted my dad’s gaslighting - he’s lost for words!
I can't get enough of Dan's tips! This is life changing! 👍
Please go to danoconnortraining.com and check out the courses there, @Xianne027.
Thanks for the advice. I’m an introvert but learning new ways of responding to rude and offensive people because I got so sick of coming away from those situations and not having anything to say, but thinking of it after!
I’m in the UK and the covert racism and xenophobia seems rife at the moment and I end up with steam coming out my ears when I hear it first hand! I have start asking people when they make snide comments, exactly what they mean by their comment or what makes them say it… it seems to make them stop in there tracks and start to think… but also make them realise (in such a very subtle, British way 😂) I’m not cool with them saying those things and it’s not appropriate at any time for that matter. I find I can still be my authentic self when I take this approach 😊
Kudos and bravo to you Ursnstu. Spotlighting bad behavior and asking the offender to repeat it or asking them what they mean is an EXCELLENT way to shut people down. Snide, cutting, snarky people like to be snide in the dark. When you shine a light on them (more precisely, on their behavior), they stop in their tracks. And this is something an introvert or an extrovert can do-- so again KUDOS.
@@TheWizardOfWords thank you, its very affirming to have you say this is the right thing to do 😊
Good lord, I’ve just seen the terrible spelling and grammar on my original comment 😱😱😱😂
Dan, if you made an Audible book I'd get that in a heartbeat.
I'd like to do Audible books. It's a matter of time allocation. I hope to be doing that soon.
Yes! I agree that would be amazing!
Dan, thank you for these amazing videos. Funny, practical, brilliant and empowering........You are giving the world the skills to become a more loving, positive place. Many thanks from Jacquie in Canada
Jacquie in Canada-- Uhhhhhhh, thank you so much! :)
Jacquie in Canada, your generosity is inspiring to me! 😍❤️ love from texas
@TheWizardOfWords Dan, you deserve trillions for this life changing wisdom you give to us🥰😍❤️ thank you for all you are & all you do
Your advice is so helpful. Do you have any content about how to advocate for yourself when interacting with rude or aggressive health care providers? I have had a series of awful interactions that were so rude I felt uncomfortable having the person start the IV, or examine me, etc. When I tried to stand up for myself the aggressive comments and harsh tone got worse. Would love some ideas about how to engage in a way where I am not accused of being “combative” (yes, this is the term that was put in the chart notes to describe me standing up for myself.)
I would be quiet during the ordeal, and then never ever use them as healthcare providers again. Before leaving, I would consider whether it was in my best interests to tell them that I'll never be returning--and why.
I love Dan’s special words that he makes up, to represent things that people have different words for, like “Kangles” 😂😂😂😂😂
I enjoy doing that. :)
How does one handle someone who uses a certain condescending or snarky tone with you when you may disagree with them and it leaves you feeling attacked? I tend to ignore it but sometimes it feels like I'm not sticking up for myself , but i also don't want to escalate anything
Bellaluna, search my channel and you'll find what you're looking for :)
A colleague in our office has been emailing me with short impolite emails such as “send it to them”.. so I responded with “thanks for your email. Just a note - using please in requests can help bring a positive tone to our communication 😊..” since then she’s been using very exaggerated polite language in her emails to me lol like “that would be splendid!” And thank you so much!! But it’s obvious that it’s fake.. should I just keep ignoring or call her out on the fake politeness? It’s weird! 😂 also I love your videos ❤ so valuable!!
No, no==to the contrary, go with it as though you believe it to be genuine. Why not? :) :) :)
Biggest tub of popcorn. Snarfing it down..love it🤣😂🤣
This is great! Call em out! Rude people!!!
You should be an actor. You have the X factor!
Well now--thank you Lyn. Please let Simon Cowell know there is a diamond in the rough waiting to be found.
I wish I had a little Dan on my shoulder to take with me into these situations. Thank you and love from Scotland
Love right back at you from Ajijic, MX and Saint Paul, MN.
My current struggle/issue is with someone who repeatedly is telling me what I "should do". This happens often throughout a day with this relative. In the past, I have countered with.... don't manage me, stop managing me, but to no avail.
I like your idea of spotlighting the behavior. Before I saw your video. I had decided to counter with.... I'm fine with this particular choice or this particular situation, and I would love to continue by saying that don't remember asking for any advice. (Let's see how far I get with this approach!
ditto! THANK YOU! I thought it would be ride to respond with what I wanted to say, but you just gave me permission.
Go for it!
You can also hold back on the main courses a bit so you have room to eat BOTH pies. Just say you can't choose, because they're both the greatest of all time in their own category. You just can't choose between pecan and apple. Or suppose they both made apple. Just make up some gourmet crap like "This one is so light and refreshing like fresh apples. This one has the warm undertones of cinnamon and hearth. I can't choose. Don't make me choose...." I also love Dan's line about having all the pie he wants later. 😉
Oh, you caught that line, did you??? hahaha
Every video I listen to a from you the more confident I feel about communicating thank you for being a light in a lot of people lives ❤❤❤
Wonderful!
People can be downright "mean" and nasty constantly but the minute you hit back, they call you out so quick !
Claudine, you don't want to "hit back." You want to spotlight bad behavior and put an end to it as it pertains to YOU. Hitting back is sinking to their level, and you don't want to do that, do you? Wouldn't you prefer to be both effective AND mindful?
@@TheWizardOfWords yes
Dan, this video was fantastic! Thank you for your impactful and timely videos.
Glad it was helpful!
Laughing. I can't stop cracking up to learn. Your, "in the dark" expression.
😆 When I heard "Michele!"...My heart jiggled🤣
I hope my sister in law's heart jiggled too :) :)
Brilliant!
Bravo bravo bravo! There you go!
"That you put there, John!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Great. Very Helpful. Thank You for taking the time to make this video.
You're very welcome!
Well the body shaming thing, when I refer to myself i am talking about MYSELF. SHINE THE LIGHT-Other than that - brilliant !!!
You might be talking about yourself, but I assure you that anyone within listening range (that has a perceived weight problem) will relate the comments to himself or herself. It's kind of like a 5' man standing among little people and bemoaning how short he is.
thanks so much for your tips! - i am taking notes and will be ready for the next uncomfortable encounter at work! SOS! :)
You are welcome and let me know how it goes.
Merry Christmas, Dan! 🎄 I absolutely love your content ♥️
Thanks, Stephanie, and Merry Christmas to you!
You are so great. Thank you so much for all this wonderful information.
And I just have to say that your hair looks absolutely amazing.!!!!!
Thanks, Mom. Another pseudonym, I see :) :)
I need this one 😁
What an ah-mazing resource!! Mr. D: Uber appreciate your existence & thank you for being you
You're welcome, Lisa, and thank you for being an RN! Heavy duty job==and much appreciated.
I am introvert and never been able to assert myself; so when I do retaliate it comes off agressive!
Excellent!
Dan O'Connor strikes again! 💝
Love it.... Your delivery is top class .I have to practice!!
If someone; anyone is rude I simply say: Aren't you embarrassed? That gets them every time.
One issue that has come up is that recently i moved from one job position to another because of harassment issues on the job. A mutual friend of a coworker mentioned that she was upset b/c she felt I should have not gotten the position due to her hearing I was not good at my last job. Basically, she wanted someone else to get the position is what it boils down to. She did not say this to me directly, however, I am on the fence as to whether to confront it or not and how.
Z, I would recommend doing nothing except your job. Be good at it. That will lay all gossip to rest. Don't confront someone via second-hand gossip. If you want to speak to someone, speak to the person who repeated the gossip. Ask him/her what they said to defend you. Tell that person that if you DO choose to talk to the person who made the comment, you will begin by telling them who repeated the comment to you. If you are upset, you should be upset with the person who brought the gossip TO YOU.
@@TheWizardOfWords Thank you!!! Makes perfect sense.
Tq a lot for the tips .The background music during 3rd point is too loud that actual information is un-understood.
I always look forward to watching your videos!! Thank you so much ! You have so a beautiful vibe💓
Thank you so much!!
Here's a question Dan:
What is the best way to respond to strangers who are trying to be friendly but ask overly personal questions. Questions like this might not bother some people but they bother me, a lot when it's coming from someone I'll never see again.
I went to a doctors appt today and one of the office techs was just trying to be friendly, but it felt more like an interview.
He fired off questions one after the next. "So, do you have kids? Where do your parents live? Do you have other family in the area?
I do not have kids. My parents are dead. I only have one relative in state.
Honestly, family is a sore subject for me because I don't have any family to speak of. It's a vulnerable area for me to discuss.
I don't want to share ANY personal information with an office tech, an Uber driver or the clerk at the grocery store.
I made the mistake of answering his questions dispite feeling instantly uncomfortable. I suppose it I didn't want to be rude and I didn't know how to respond.
(I literally thought to myself, if only I could ask Dan what he would say right now.)
How would you have addresses that situation to redirect things?
If I could do it over I should have stopped things at "So, do you have kids?" And redirected the conversation.
I failed to hold my boundaries today. Time improve my skills!
Maybe I could have said, "I appreciate your friendliness, but I would prefer not to chitchat about family. Then I could have asked if he had any fun plans for the day?
I have learned so much from you and continue to do so. Thank you so much Dan! You are helping so many people and it's amazing. 🙂
Check my RUclips channel; I have a number of videos on inappropriate questions, MS.
Dan, you are brilliant and brave.
Happy Holidays and Feliz Navidad to you and yours also, Phoenix.
Better to ascend to a higher--and shared--plane: "Don't we have more interesting/productive things to talk about? How about _______?" and change the topic to something more enjoyable or useful. You can even stay on the topic of nutrition and discuss recent science news related to it.
June 8th 2023
Brilliant advice dear Wizard! But what would you suggest to do when these bullies are your clients?
Come to the live show next Tuesday at 7:00 Chicago time and ask your question, after you join my YT channel :)
ruclips.net/channel/UC5Zb02pmVD2VA7lnx8mV4gwjoin
You are amazing. Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas to you too, Elaine.
I love that the mother in law’s name is Trixie.
Some of my “friends” they aren’t like my real friends but we hangout in the same friend group, they always talk to me like I’m not smart and like I don’t understand simple things. I try to remember saying something’s that you suggested. Most of the time they just look at me and roll their eyes..
Warrior, PRACTICE, PRACTICE PRACTICE. Communication skills are like any other. you have to practice--maybe when you're all by yourself. Remember the scenarios you've already faced. Decide how you'll handle them in the future and then practice, so you're ready the next time someone attacks your intelligence or rolls their eyes.
Dan is awesome for specific communication problems. I strongly recommend for your friend problem, Love Your Natural channel, and maybe Cassandra Mack's channel. Both of them talk about when friends aren't really on your side, and give you real usable suggestions. You need to get the friends you deserve, which definitely isn't people who don't actually like you. Of course, keep going with Dan's advice, too. He's so amazing.
I didnt realize saying "omg im so out of shape, it feels scary" could make someone else feel cruddy. :/
Context is everything, Mashakalinkina :)
Thank you.
You're welcome, Linda :)
Specific situation: someone who is privileged, more well spoken than you but is rude to you, so everyone automatically takes the other person’s side. They are the rude one but are saying you are rude, when you are just being direct about their behavior.
This will happen. People can be misled by flowery speech. Just keep being direct, mindful, and protective of your own boundaries. That's more important than the reaction of onlookers.
Trixie really do be trifling
Yep, she be.
A little leaven leaven's the whole lump - small things have BIG consequences
I kinda like the “you look like a banana by the way “ Love your videos watch everyday !
😊 thank you
HaPpY Holidays Dan O' The Man O' !!! We love u!!! Thanku for teaching us GREAT TECHNIQUES, SKILLS and STRATEGIES!!! Love to U and Yours, from The Oregon Coast!!! Angel n Brenna❤️😇🐶
And much love back to Angel n Brenna from Ajijic, Mexico and Saint Paul, MN, USA>
Oh my lord you are incredible, thanks RUclips, I need this kind of modelling in my life - most effortless instant subscribe ever! 😅🙌
thanks much, Aisling, and stay tuned.
Great video!!!
Thank you!!
I was at Target a few days ago and in the self-check out had an older man step up to tell me one of my items didn't beep. Although very careful when scanning, I did check the screen and showed him the line for the item verifying it was rung up. It was so humiliating since everyone around was looking and listening...to top it off, the register ran out of paper and had to ask the attendent to refill the receipt paper. She did with an attitude and look of disdain towards me...signaling with an aeire of disgust to take my receipt. It's been four days and still haven't come up with a proper response to such rudeness other than to do what I did (show him the line verifying my HONESTY to him), and still losing sleep over feeling so ambarrassed and belittled...and WRONGED...UHG!
Dan, I know how sometimes these things take up residence in your brain. You are giving it way too much importance. Perhaps if you try putting it into perspective. Ask yourself if this is the biggest problem you've had in the past four days. (BTW, I think you handled it well. You showed a busy-body that he was wrong. End of story. Running out of paper was another issue and you encountered a rude person, but remember, her rudeness spoke volumes about her and NOTHING about you.). Now if this is the worst problem you've had in the last four days--thank God and replace those thoughts with ones of gratitude for the charmed life you're leading. I'm serious. Been there; done that. In terms of response--I would have handled everything just as you did. You were questioned; you showed the man he was wrong; you needed a receipt; you asked for paper; the csr was rude--you let that be her problem, not yours.
Awesome 👏
Thank you 😊
You're welcome 😊
Your critical comments are one of my reasons for happiness in life 😂😂😂
Good to know :) :)
Pass the pumpkin pie so I can get this bitter taste out of my mouth 😂😊 Brilliant! 🙏
Stand up for it. It didn't help to just ignore it
6:14 … you only see them once a year and this is why…. 😂😂😂
Yep!
In your 40s/50s you finally realize you can see those people 0 days a year and solve this behaviour permanently- but I sure would’ve appreciated this SOS technique before that haha. 🎉
View #55 - I understand is O.K., an elongated, ''Yeee'ahh, I Got It,..Did You?''🎯💯🎯(seems a bit better - what say ye, Sensei?).
Hugs and best, best, best!
Thank you!!
You're welcome!
Lmaoooo cousin I exclusively go to the movies to nap too and eat snacks and hell no never in the light!
Not surprising; we are cut from the same cloth.