I’ve struggled with chronic self harm since I was 20, I’ll be 40 later this year, but before that birthday, I’ll like to celebrate a year free from self harm. Today I’m at day 271.
Actually that is a good accomplishment already, wishing you success to your 40th, when I make an emence feat like that I give myself a reward, you may want to consider that, it's really great once you complete it. I wish I had some of your self control.
It depends on who is giving the compliment. If it is the narcissist: I expect a snarky remark with the compliment, which diminishes the effect; When I complain; I am told by the narc, that it is my problem and not complain. I am treated with contempt. I wish my dad(narcissist) would mind his own business.I did not ask for his opinion because I expect his crap. He is sarcastic and dismissive and contrary. He put me down. I am so fed up with his insecurity/immaturity and blame-shifting. I deserve a much better father!
Your podcasts help me to relax before I go to sleep, without them I am a thought spiral and my mind is constantly active. Your voice is comforting for me, Thank you for these podcasts. Have a good weekend ☺️
I had trouble dealing with compliments and what eventually helped the most was looking at it from the perspective of the other. When I deflected or rejected compliments I was actually actively reacting as if the person complimenting was a liar. I really didn't like that once I saw it that way and was motivated to find new ways to react. While I wasn't nearly ready to take in or accept the compliment hardly at all, I was more motivated to change my behavior to be less negative and at least neutral. I started out just saying thank you to a compliment and not use minimizing or rejecting words. I also tried to stay neutral internally to make sure that my internal turmoil wouldn't poison the interaction with non-verbal cues of my rejection. I'd try to focus on the person's intent, which I think most often was good, despite my extensive experience in childhood of twisted and/or sarcastic family complements. Eventually I got to where I can accept some of a compliment and naturally be less suspicious and negative. I sometimes remember past compliments something like 'Oh, Janice thinks I'm organized. She must have noticed something I'm doing that supports that idea. Maybe I am organized in some ways.' It's helped me to see that people can perceive me differently than I see myself and that things aren't so black and white as my internal voice wants to make it.
Dear Kati, thank you so much for your podcast. You don’t know how much I appreciate it, it allows me on my bad days to feel okay and let myself just “be”. I also make a point to listen to it when going on a walk to get outside … so here I am leaving my room and stepping outside today (it’s 6pm where I am at… didn’t think I would manage today)
Thank you Kati! What I really need to do is to stop scattering myself. I have trouble finishing one thing before I start on something else and it seems nothing ever gets finished, or resolved. I suppose then you could say that I resolve to resolve.
Yea, I tend to turn in to "What About Bob". I have a very hard time keeping a therapist relationship solely clinical. It's like too much is shared. I also consider it a victory if I can get them to start opening up to me...I always win. I studied early on to go into psychology but decided to purse drugs and alcohol and wound of a graphic designer. Graphic design is not a good field for someone with Rejection Sensativity Dysphoria.
Hi Kati Your response to question 1 it makes total sense. To know that negative self talk and a compliment from a person (especially from /whose opinion(s) I value) can create cognitive dissonance in my mind; distressing to say the least! I found that using HALT that you explained in your Trauma Book seems to dampen for me the negativity I experience when I'm listening to them.
My first memory is being in a crib. I found out as an adult mom use to leave me in the crib all day since I didn’t cry. My next memory is me at 3 and my first foster mom opening the door and a Cps lady standing next to me. I went through trauma from newborn to 20 year old.
Hi Kati! I’m 37 years old and I just have been diagnosed with High functioning autism. Is a relieve to know that there is a reason I am the way I am and I’m not crazy, but at the same time it’s frustrating to think this is me and I’ll be like this my whole life. I think I’m getting into the self pity mode and I don’t like it. Please help. What can I do to deal with this? Any words of wisdom? Thanks! 🙏
It's not that I haven't heard nice complaints before it's just that pretty much every single person who's made nice complaints to me have also insulted me like putting me down humiliation swearing at me calling me pretty awful names etc so I just wouldn't believe those great complaints my mom was also passive aggressive so never believed it
I know for myself, I feel gross about compliments about my physical appearance. I didn't used to be bothered as much, but as I have come to see the role that the outsized value placed on appearance is firmly rooted in the patriarchy, I have a very strong revulsion of this kind of compliment. I only want to be complimented on things that can't be taken away from me by someone else or by circumstance. My therapist (who, not for nothing, is an older cis hetero white man) has gently nudged me about it in the past, but I feel like I've got so many other raging fires of cPTSD to deal with, just let me continue to hate being complimented on my appearance for now. If it takes me decades or never, so be it. Is my life really diminished because my skin crawls when someone tells me I'm beautiful or (*shudder*) sexy?! I was recently called a compassionate badass. Now *THAT'S* a compliment! (and I feel it to be true)
For me the struggle with praise is due to pride. I've always been exceptionally intelligent and drew a lot of attention and praise as a kid. The praise was often of an unsettling kind to people, like them weirded out a child my age knew so much or was interested in things beyond my age. Now when I get compliments for things that aren't exceptional it feels off: I did the base standard of what I should be doing and that isn't impressive to deserve such talk. It's like a body builder being praised for lifting something at work far beneath their strength. I can take compliments when the criteria is met but this then feeds into perfectionism. Getting an 84% on my bio course doesn't merit praise to me and is uncomfortable, but the 99% on my psych course two semesters ago is a different thing. I try to conciously accept the "lower" praise now given my realization around the aspect of pride involved given how damaging that has been on other members of my family but it's a struggle.
@@hgzmatt except I don't reject others unless they are being willfully incompetent or disruptive, like at work. I'm far more forgiving and undestanding of them than I am of myself. I do have an ego and know that is where the pride comes from, but also the depression. I once did have a haughtiness as a kid, but that was destroyed due to crushing chronic illness from abusive trauma that threw my life into disorder and ruined me as a rising star. I'm now very kind and merciful to others knowing what physical and emotional pain is like and have peer counseled for over ten years. A few of those old compliments were backhanded in reply to the haughtiness, like a teacher correcting me saying not all 6th graders read at a university level. Most were genuine, though, like the same teacher at the end of elementary seeing me off say that he fully expected to see my name in National Geographic one day. I won that grades science fair and the judges told me in grade 7 that had I got mine in on time I'd have won it as well. The abuse I faced (which is where the haughtiness came from) crippled my health so I missed the most school out of anyone in class but still had the second highest grade. I keep hearing this that adults rarely give compliments to one another. This is alien to me. Perhaps it's your community or culture (or my own that differs). Coworkers and people like instructors continue to note things to this day and mention them to me. Coworkers observe my attention to detail and how I spot things everyone else misses. I'm training to now be a counselor myself given my life history and the understanding I have and an instructor told our class to make use of our universities badly underused scholarships that mostly sit and collect dust before then pulling me aside as I left the room to insist I do so above everyone else and never to waste the talents that I have been given. Another told me after getting 99% in a psych course that I am a perfect fit for the social sciences. I lament that people are given so few compliments as they can do so much for people. It is why I fight to now accept them as I appreciate them know the effort I go to to let people know when they are doing well. I hate to joke, but perhaps it's because we're Canadian. :/
@@nektulosnewbie Sounds like you are doing well to be honest! I do believe it takes hardship to appreciate things, so the pain is definitely not wasted. Trying to come up with a response that is positive (but failing)... I definitely do feel like I lack encouragement, although I'm not sure why I'm not getting it. Tough german/austrian culture is definitely a problem, felt that growing up. Not sure if I'd have preferred the politeness in the UK that is also not always genuine kindness. Then again culture isn't that different. I think there's some form of emotional abandonment going on in my family, we don't talk about feelings and I don't remember getting any emotional support. Lost your girlfriend? You'll find someone. etc. I'm having a hard time opening up to people. I have a real problem of being socially isolated as well, so in a sense I'm creating my own problem but I also don't feel readily accepted a lot of times. Moved around a lot, lived abroad.. Long story short.. it's a mess. :)
@@hgzmatt most people are insensitive. I don't mean that in the typical, derogatory sense but in that they don't sense as much as others more inclined to being sensitive (look up Kati's video(s) on HSPs). The result is that they can get by brushing stuff off better and don't understand why you're unable to. While being Canadian, my family is very British and have the stiff upper lip in our character despite being comfortable and encouraging others to open up. The result is us trying to be there for other family members but often struggling to fully express ourselves. It's left me wondering if the stiff upper lip isn't due to insensitivity but is actually a defensive strategy Brits have because we are above average on sensitivity. Same goes with dark, British gallows ot sangfroid humour that throws people off around us from other backgrounds. I do know when my dad died a few months ago the Filipinos I know were weirded out and disturbed by how casual my brother and I were taking it. One told me he'd be sobbing around the clock and tearing his clothes and looked on me as pther worldly. I told him to get back to me in a few weeks. Knowing our ancestry the pain from such a thing takes weeks to finally hit home. I think Germans are much the same. I do know the Dutch are. The ones I know act very English but see their eccentricities as weird while I chuckle and say that if you were across the English Channel you'd be beaming with pride for being so odd.
Regarding Question 4: If the therapist sees what the problem is and just "lets" the client figure it out a year later. Wow! That is a serious breach of ethics. The client should leave that therapist and file a complaint to the state licensing board.
I’ve struggled with chronic self harm since I was 20, I’ll be 40 later this year, but before that birthday, I’ll like to celebrate a year free from self harm. Today I’m at day 271.
so proud of you for making it 271 days so far!! you got this:)
congrats!!! i'm on day 49
Actually that is a good accomplishment already, wishing you success to your 40th, when I make an emence feat like that I give myself a reward, you may want to consider that, it's really great once you complete it. I wish I had some of your self control.
Day 9 ❤
hope you are still well!
It depends on who is giving the compliment. If it is the narcissist: I expect a snarky remark with the compliment, which diminishes the effect; When I complain; I am told by the narc, that it is my problem and not complain. I am treated with contempt. I wish my dad(narcissist) would mind his own business.I did not ask for his opinion because I expect his crap. He is sarcastic and dismissive and contrary. He put me down. I am so fed up with his insecurity/immaturity and blame-shifting. I deserve a much better father!
Your podcasts help me to relax before I go to sleep, without them I am a thought spiral and my mind is constantly active. Your voice is comforting for me, Thank you for these podcasts. Have a good weekend ☺️
I had trouble dealing with compliments and what eventually helped the most was looking at it from the perspective of the other. When I deflected or rejected compliments I was actually actively reacting as if the person complimenting was a liar. I really didn't like that once I saw it that way and was motivated to find new ways to react. While I wasn't nearly ready to take in or accept the compliment hardly at all, I was more motivated to change my behavior to be less negative and at least neutral.
I started out just saying thank you to a compliment and not use minimizing or rejecting words. I also tried to stay neutral internally to make sure that my internal turmoil wouldn't poison the interaction with non-verbal cues of my rejection. I'd try to focus on the person's intent, which I think most often was good, despite my extensive experience in childhood of twisted and/or sarcastic family complements.
Eventually I got to where I can accept some of a compliment and naturally be less suspicious and negative. I sometimes remember past compliments something like 'Oh, Janice thinks I'm organized. She must have noticed something I'm doing that supports that idea. Maybe I am organized in some ways.' It's helped me to see that people can perceive me differently than I see myself and that things aren't so black and white as my internal voice wants to make it.
Dear Kati, thank you so much for your podcast. You don’t know how much I appreciate it, it allows me on my bad days to feel okay and let myself just “be”. I also make a point to listen to it when going on a walk to get outside … so here I am leaving my room and stepping outside today (it’s 6pm where I am at… didn’t think I would manage today)
Love that! and you are so welcome :) Glad you were able to get out today! I love to walk and listen to podcasts :)
Same here, listen to it while on walks outside
Time stamps:
#1 2:06
#2 9:20
#3 19:36
#4 34:03
#5 52:59
#6 1:03:19
#7 1:10:22
#8 1:15:11
#9 1:18:26
Question 6 is at 1:03:19. I didn’t check the rest of them. I wonder if the 6 was just a typo.
@@mbsl923 I noticed that after it was added to the description too, I’ll edit my post - thanks Margaret!! Sorry about that
hey what if each timestamp is its own comment, and people reply to talk about that part?
Thank you Kati! What I really need to do is to stop scattering myself. I have trouble finishing one thing before I start on something else and it seems nothing ever gets finished, or resolved. I suppose then you could say that I resolve to resolve.
I’m so happy I found ur channel❤ there’s something soothing about the way you talk to your audience ❤hugs
I learn so much here
Yea, I tend to turn in to "What About Bob". I have a very hard time keeping a therapist relationship solely clinical. It's like too much is shared. I also consider it a victory if I can get them to start opening up to me...I always win. I studied early on to go into psychology but decided to purse drugs and alcohol and wound of a graphic designer. Graphic design is not a good field for someone with Rejection Sensativity Dysphoria.
Hi Kati Your response to question 1 it makes total sense. To know that negative self talk and a compliment from a person (especially from /whose opinion(s) I value) can create cognitive dissonance in my mind; distressing to say the least! I found that using HALT that you explained in your Trauma Book seems to dampen for me the negativity I experience when I'm listening to them.
Hi Kati, just love your colorful top!
Same here!
My first memory is being in a crib. I found out as an adult mom use to leave me in the crib all day since I didn’t cry. My next memory is me at 3 and my first foster mom opening the door and a Cps lady standing next to me. I went through trauma from newborn to 20 year old.
I have memories from age two or three or younger. But those memories are not stressful. Just...stuff.
Thanks for this Kati. You legend. Happy 2022 xx
Happy new year!!
Hi Kati! I’m 37 years old and I just have been diagnosed with High functioning autism. Is a relieve to know that there is a reason I am the way I am and I’m not crazy, but at the same time it’s frustrating to think this is me and I’ll be like this my whole life. I think I’m getting into the self pity mode and I don’t like it. Please help. What can I do to deal with this? Any words of wisdom? Thanks! 🙏
It's not that I haven't heard nice complaints before it's just that pretty much every single person who's made nice complaints to me have also insulted me like putting me down humiliation swearing at me calling me pretty awful names etc so I just wouldn't believe those great complaints my mom was also passive aggressive so never believed it
Thank you Kati for everything.🙂
#Gratitude
I want to get a house this year!
I know for myself, I feel gross about compliments about my physical appearance. I didn't used to be bothered as much, but as I have come to see the role that the outsized value placed on appearance is firmly rooted in the patriarchy, I have a very strong revulsion of this kind of compliment. I only want to be complimented on things that can't be taken away from me by someone else or by circumstance. My therapist (who, not for nothing, is an older cis hetero white man) has gently nudged me about it in the past, but I feel like I've got so many other raging fires of cPTSD to deal with, just let me continue to hate being complimented on my appearance for now. If it takes me decades or never, so be it. Is my life really diminished because my skin crawls when someone tells me I'm beautiful or (*shudder*) sexy?! I was recently called a compassionate badass. Now *THAT'S* a compliment! (and I feel it to be true)
Thanks so much!
For me the struggle with praise is due to pride.
I've always been exceptionally intelligent and drew a lot of attention and praise as a kid. The praise was often of an unsettling kind to people, like them weirded out a child my age knew so much or was interested in things beyond my age. Now when I get compliments for things that aren't exceptional it feels off: I did the base standard of what I should be doing and that isn't impressive to deserve such talk. It's like a body builder being praised for lifting something at work far beneath their strength.
I can take compliments when the criteria is met but this then feeds into perfectionism. Getting an 84% on my bio course doesn't merit praise to me and is uncomfortable, but the 99% on my psych course two semesters ago is a different thing.
I try to conciously accept the "lower" praise now given my realization around the aspect of pride involved given how damaging that has been on other members of my family but it's a struggle.
@@hgzmatt except I don't reject others unless they are being willfully incompetent or disruptive, like at work. I'm far more forgiving and undestanding of them than I am of myself. I do have an ego and know that is where the pride comes from, but also the depression. I once did have a haughtiness as a kid, but that was destroyed due to crushing chronic illness from abusive trauma that threw my life into disorder and ruined me as a rising star. I'm now very kind and merciful to others knowing what physical and emotional pain is like and have peer counseled for over ten years.
A few of those old compliments were backhanded in reply to the haughtiness, like a teacher correcting me saying not all 6th graders read at a university level. Most were genuine, though, like the same teacher at the end of elementary seeing me off say that he fully expected to see my name in National Geographic one day. I won that grades science fair and the judges told me in grade 7 that had I got mine in on time I'd have won it as well. The abuse I faced (which is where the haughtiness came from) crippled my health so I missed the most school out of anyone in class but still had the second highest grade.
I keep hearing this that adults rarely give compliments to one another. This is alien to me. Perhaps it's your community or culture (or my own that differs). Coworkers and people like instructors continue to note things to this day and mention them to me.
Coworkers observe my attention to detail and how I spot things everyone else misses. I'm training to now be a counselor myself given my life history and the understanding I have and an instructor told our class to make use of our universities badly underused scholarships that mostly sit and collect dust before then pulling me aside as I left the room to insist I do so above everyone else and never to waste the talents that I have been given. Another told me after getting 99% in a psych course that I am a perfect fit for the social sciences.
I lament that people are given so few compliments as they can do so much for people. It is why I fight to now accept them as I appreciate them know the effort I go to to let people know when they are doing well.
I hate to joke, but perhaps it's because we're Canadian. :/
@@nektulosnewbie Sounds like you are doing well to be honest! I do believe it takes hardship to appreciate things, so the pain is definitely not wasted.
Trying to come up with a response that is positive (but failing)... I definitely do feel like I lack encouragement, although I'm not sure why I'm not getting it. Tough german/austrian culture is definitely a problem, felt that growing up. Not sure if I'd have preferred the politeness in the UK that is also not always genuine kindness. Then again culture isn't that different. I think there's some form of emotional abandonment going on in my family, we don't talk about feelings and I don't remember getting any emotional support. Lost your girlfriend? You'll find someone. etc.
I'm having a hard time opening up to people.
I have a real problem of being socially isolated as well, so in a sense I'm creating my own problem but I also don't feel readily accepted a lot of times. Moved around a lot, lived abroad.. Long story short.. it's a mess. :)
@@hgzmatt most people are insensitive. I don't mean that in the typical, derogatory sense but in that they don't sense as much as others more inclined to being sensitive (look up Kati's video(s) on HSPs). The result is that they can get by brushing stuff off better and don't understand why you're unable to.
While being Canadian, my family is very British and have the stiff upper lip in our character despite being comfortable and encouraging others to open up. The result is us trying to be there for other family members but often struggling to fully express ourselves. It's left me wondering if the stiff upper lip isn't due to insensitivity but is actually a defensive strategy Brits have because we are above average on sensitivity. Same goes with dark, British gallows ot sangfroid humour that throws people off around us from other backgrounds. I do know when my dad died a few months ago the Filipinos I know were weirded out and disturbed by how casual my brother and I were taking it. One told me he'd be sobbing around the clock and tearing his clothes and looked on me as pther worldly.
I told him to get back to me in a few weeks. Knowing our ancestry the pain from such a thing takes weeks to finally hit home.
I think Germans are much the same. I do know the Dutch are. The ones I know act very English but see their eccentricities as weird while I chuckle and say that if you were across the English Channel you'd be beaming with pride for being so odd.
Yay! Kati is an ally!
Probably because you get so many of them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Notification squad!
I think she's pretty
Regarding Question 4: If the therapist sees what the problem is and just "lets" the client figure it out a year later. Wow! That is a serious breach of ethics. The client should leave that therapist and file a complaint to the state licensing board.