Dr. Ramani @DocterRamani absolutely blew my mind today talking about narcissists and how they operate 🤯. Make sure you hit like and subscribe to hear from more incredible guests we have coming on in the future!
A hyper link would be so great. I’m visually impaired and I could find a bunch of links for the channel I’m on but not the doctors. For some reason copy paste isn’t working.
My wife grew up in one as well! They recently raged on us for two weeks non stop for me simply and kindly setting a boundary. My wife refuses to go no contact and put up with way too much though now they are on good behaviour. It hurts and worries me everytime she goes and spends time with them. She is a big co dependant and refuses to stand up to them. Im now the scapegoat as others are saying I'm the crazy one and that if only i healed my unhealed past I could tolerate them better. I dont know. Praying everyday.
But unfortunately very difficult to convince our parents and so ended up contacting them...wht I feel engage calmly and get out as soon as the purpose for your visit is served...come late and go early
My mom would verbally abuse me not by yelling mean things…she’d whispered them to me. In a crowded room…at a birthday party…in a restaurant…I’d be sitting there next to her getting abused. No one knew. She’s this nice, sweet lady to everyone else but to me she’s a monster. My dad stopped liking me once I was no longer a cute baby. He physically abused me. It was his way or the highway. Like my mom, everyone knew my dad as a funny, friendly guy. It was hell. I’m glad I got out of that situation. My parents are still alive. I want nothing to do with them.
@@sybersandy it is hell an absolute living hell to be told you were a mistake you weren’t wanted, that my mother lied to my father about taking birth control when she really wasn’t because she wanted us kids.. she passed away from breast cancer so I never had her in my life since I was 4 years old.. hate to say this but I feel the wrong parent was taken!!!! 😢😢
Yes! I will be listening to it again... so much valuable information I was trying to "unpack"... felt like I might have missed something. My aha moment was the guilt I constantly feel is not me, but the manipulative tactics of my narcissistic mother. It felt like a huge burden being lifted... it's. NOT. MY. FAULT!!!!
Oh my gawd that set my brain on fire. When my narc mother was very unwell, dying of COPD, she held me hostage making me the one to take care of her, and I'm severely mentally ill and ended up in the psych hospital during the time she was sick because I couldn't go any where for any more than an hour, I was so sleep deprived, like having a newborn in the house except a grown up a**hole. I had no idea how long I'd be her prisoner until she died. I couldn't go visit my son in another state, my boyfriend in another part of the state.....all because she refused to get someone to come into the home to help. Honestly, I felt so free when she died. It only took 5 months for CoPD to take her and my GOD I'm stilling trying to catch up on sleep, stop waking up to every single noise.....she broke me. I spent 10 days in the psych ward in mid August (she was diagnosed beginning of June, she died mid october). Sick people cannot take care of sick people. She truly was an evil person.
What should I do if my child is Narc. Maybe it was my contribution to this. Whatever the cause of my child narc I cannot abandon my child. What should I do.
That’s exactly right, a narcissist never has you on their mind, but you are absolutely supposed to be and expected to be on call or stand-by for them!!!!!
What if I just feel bad and grumpy for little things that people did and can’t let it go so I constantly give them a hard time but when they do things for me then I’m in a good mood n treat them nicely? Does that make me a narcissist
that is absolutely not true - if it is feeding time - they will obsess over someone else - it is their supply and they need it like they need oxygen . things are more complex than you understand it
My brain feels like it is going to EXPLODE. Got my girls to bed and usually it’s this time where I would blast some music in my headphones and clean up the house before I go to sleep but ever since I started your podcast I have found myself choosing to absorb this over music without a purpose. I have tried to fully comprehend the extent of abuse of our childhood but it’s not till after this episode I see things how they truly are. We were taken to another country without a choice by our narcissistic mother and stepfather. Our family was already failing when my real dad and mom were together but this woman chose to take her kids away from their biological dad to a foreign country opposed to swallowing her pride and co parenting with my dad. This is where I would spend the majority of my childhood years (Temosachic Chihuahua Mexico) both my stepfather and mother were extreme alcoholics. We grew up in conditions that I still can’t even say out loud. No running water, no electricity and with two “parents” that would rather spend the only money we’d come by on their next bottle of whiskey. My mom ended up having two other kids with my stepdad and my middle sister and I quickly became their caregivers. Anything her babies needed she would holler at us to tend to them. Any time any of us kids would ask about our real dad my stepfather and mother would get drunk and cause a huge scene crying asking us what have they done so wrong that we would be asking about our real dad. All of my moms kids ran away before turning 18. At 13 years old I got on a bus and traveled by myself from Mexico to Vegas to meet my real dad. my oldest sister who had gotten married and was no longer controled by our mom was the one who helped my middle sister and I get out of there. I never realized how insane it was until I had lids of my own. I don’t even let my girls go in the front yard by themselves 😂 But there I was at 13 on a bus by myself going to meet a man I didn’t even remember. The only reason I knew he was my dad is my older brother would be with him. So he must be my dad. I thought I was finally getting a normal life and boy was I wrong. From the time my dad got me back we always lived in someone else’s home or in and out of hotels. And he’s now 55 and NOTHING has changed. He doesn’t own a home, doesn’t have a vehicle and is on the verge of going bankrupt. For years I felt like I was in debt to him so I would do all his errands, Pay all his bills, make all his phone calls. Now that my husband has opened my eyes to who he truly is and I no longer jump when he calls because he needs me to go do something for him… GUESS WHAT? He never calls! I have spoken to my mother one time since I came back from Mexico and I told her I forgave her for everything. This woman STILL thinks they gave us a good life in Mexico. If starving in another country, witnessing physical abuse and being molested by our stepdad is what you call a “good life” i don’t want it! I am finally starting to see their ways and no longer fall victim to their game. I send them a silent blessing and keep my energy field uncontaminated. If you’re still here reading, this is not a pity party im throwing myself. It’s just my experience growing up with a narcissistic mother. Thank you guys so much for this specific episode you don’t know what you have done 🤍 🙏
Keep going and keep growing. Gather your strength and realize you are special and you are important. Your needs and ideas matter. Find your own way to the happiness you deserve.
You don't sound like it's self pity, more like matter of fact about life with crazy parents. I had a mother that came very close to setting up things for me that way. I always wondered (if she had gone through with keeping us out of state or the country) if my dad would have come for us or not. He's more passive aggressive than narcissistic, and he's not necessarily helpful in a crisis. Good for you for taking charge and leaving at such a young age. The human spirit is strong enough to overcome most anything with some people, and congrats on finding out the hard way that you are one of them. 🤔
you sound quite balanced considering all that, the good thing is that our poor childhoods can very oftern produce nice ,caring individuals with empathy and strong characters ..the hardest thing to do is walk away from your parents
These women just single handedly described and explained my childhood under 2 hours where it took me decades of therapy to understand 😂 Thank you for all the work you both do!
Can you expand what you mean? I'm a divorced father that has two children with a person that I consider falls under this personality and it worries me for our children. They are already effected greatly by her actions, and I worry for their future. This is why I'm asking. Thank you.
@@cma3436 I suffered from emotionally immature, narcissistic mother growing up (until now). It affected how I feel about myself, how I lack of a strong identity (because everything is always about her), and also affected my relationship as well. It’s incredibly painful, and it took me a while to truly understand these impacts. I don’t have an emotionally available father either, but knowing that you realize and worry for your children - I believe they will be okay, just be there for them when they need it 🙂
@@Aghinia I have a couple more questions, do you mind if I ask you on here? I hate how impersonal this is, but this means the world to me that you can share your story. My 13 year old is suffering immensely from what you are describing, and my 10 year old is a scapegoat which I literally just learned. Your words are kind about me supporting them as their father, but my ex has turned my oldest against me, but she still comes to my home on schedule, but she's almost completely checked out when she's with me. I wish there was a way we could chat even briefly. Not sure if you are a parent, but seeing this happen to your children is gut wrenching, and nobody seems to be able to help, or want to help. It's crazy. Anyway, if nothing else, thank you for your response.
I grew up with an intensely narcissistic parent, who would often angrily exclaim, "if you would just think with my mind, everything would be fine." I've often thought that summed up the miserable experience pretty well.
Growing up in the foster system, I think it would be beneficial to do a study on survivors of the foster system to see how many have developed narcissistic personalities. I am a narcissist based on my own experiences in the foster system. I was abandoned at six months, spent 16 years being abused in the system, then I was kicked to the streets. During my time in the foster system I noticed girls didn't like me, people I thought were friends didn't want to be around me, and when I was at school I was bullied by the racist kids because I was alone in an all caucasian school. Then, being kicked to the streets with an active addiction, I was told several times I would be dead before reaching 25. I had no healthy connections, no healthy blueprint of how to navigate my life, and no employment experience; so I had to figure it out on my own. I made poor choices in partners, friends, and I took the worst jobs because I felt at that time I was only worth that much. After I sobered up in 2006 I began looking into my patterns, relationships, and every aspect of my own life to try to figure out why I made such poor choices. My lack of safety, cultural connection, lack of family support, and toxic friendships all pointed back to me. I had to learn to take responsibility, step out of my comfort zone, and begin holding myself accountable. Today I am still working on my issues, but I can say I feel far better than I did 30 years ago, when I felt I had to be in control over everyone in my life. I have learned to let go so so much, and being alone has become more of a blessing than a curse. I have learned to be more comfortable in my own skin, and my relationship with my children has improved. Nothing is perfect and I stumble a lot, but I catch myself faster now than I did back then.
cPTSD and trauma can look a lot like NPD. Whatever your issues and their origins (we all have them!), I celebrate your self reflection and mostly how you didn’t justify your poorer decisions or decision making processes. You write with accountability and ownership for your part in things, with appreciation for the complexity of the picture - but no justifications. That is a mark of a person who’s learned humility, and IMO that is synonymous with “character”. Cheers to your willingness and ability to face the scariest monster in any room: ourselves and the narratives that soothe us. Many people stay safe and warm and toxic in that delicious fart-filled blanket of safety and warmth. Cheers that after so much trauma you’ve got the balls and the character to tear down your own unbeneficial habits, even when they in some way keep some part of you safe and warm. I honor your brass balls that give you the heart to look at yourself honestly and square off with your own demons. It’s the best quality in a person and the lack of it is the most dangerous quality to have in a loved one.
Sounds more like borderline. Narcissists don't improve and usually get worse with age. Borderlines typically improve with age with or without therapy. BPD can be caused by narcissistic abuse btw. Like another commenter said, it could just be complex PTSD from repeated abuse (I actually have that.) Disorders caused by abuse can be hard to untangle and pinpoint. I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey ♥️
As I am listening to this my mom calls. I didn’t pick up not in the mood to be verbally abuse or have her make me feel guilty. I have not spoken to her for some time. I decided last year to cut all the toxic people including ex out of my life and started the healing process. I wish I could have understood this much earlier in my life I am 53 now. This was a true eye opener. Next step is to try to get her voice out of my head.
Ruth a. I hope. God gives you peace . And I also am verbally abused by my mother. I need a way out so that I can find peace . I once didn't talk to my mother for two years when. I was out on my own with my husband but then I started taking to her again because my little brother of 26 years old died who she loved alot . And I felt sorry for her. But now she is alot more abuse towards me verbally and emotionally and very critical. Now my husband and my dog has passed away and its very hard for me to deal with. Please iray for me.
I said the same thing… I wish I had learned this much earlier in life! I have found in my own experience that these people use you for what they can get out of you and have no remorse for your suffering 😢 I am going on 52 this year and I can say it’s not been an easy life thus far. I’m hopeful that someday I will have the life I needed and longed for of peace and happiness without All the drama
I removed my entire abusive family from my life, several years ago, in my early 50's. I'm much happier. I don't cry every day like I used to. But I'm afraid their voices are in my head for life.
Now I can finally confirm after hearing this that I married a true narcissist 3 years ago and since I wasn’t aware bout narcissistic behaviour I ended up mentally suffering and declined, I have now PTSD anxiety depression. My mind was constantly questioning myself if I am the one who’s the problem. But I finally escaped 3 months ago and felt so relieved and my mind’s at peace.
Clever, I didn't get out, 24 yrs later with two grown sons and a life of medical abuse as I suffer from Ptsd and that's it!!! No one sees the narsasist for who they are...perfect in every deceptive manipulative evil twist.
Keep moving forward be proud of your strength to free yourself. Never have regrets👍🏻! You think you feel great now wait when you have reached a year, two years, then 5 years😁! You will be soaring in sheer happiness and free to be who you deserve to be😘. I did 42 years with a Narc. I’m free and living life happy after being divorced 5 years. Don’t look back n don’t go back👹!
I grew up without my parents. I attract narcissist. I am done. I am going to take care of my kids and travel. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping me through my break up. Our last step is to sell the house and I will be free. I am now well educated. Thank you
@tonyaphillips6228 i am so sorry you are going through this. I can understand what you are going through. My heart is broken for you. Yes i am still heartbroken i lost what i thought was my dream home. It never was my home. It was his because he made more money than i did. I helped pay for the house when i shouldnt have had too. Its so sad. I hope you find peace. I also hope we can all lean on eachother and learn from each other and what we went through. I am here if you need an ear to listen.
People never understand what happens having children,assets, or any financial matters with narcissist. Many will blame you. I hope all goes well for all. Stay blessed
@@kayjones542- same. His house. But I had to pay for any remodeling even though he earns 5 times more than me, and I was paying for my kids stuff.. he didn’t help with that. I also paid for most groceries. But the shower tile was falling off, carpet in the kitchen 30 yrs old and gross, and paint… I paid for it to make the house nicer. We sold that house, once kids were grown.. now looking for a new place- he looks at the cheapest, most run down places… I know he won’t want to pay for fixing anything. It seems he really just doesn’t want to provide a decent home for his wife…. I’ve learned boundaries and how to nicely hold my ground. And I can always leave. Even though that would mean lots of temper tantrums and crying on his part.. trying to make me feel guilty for abandoning him.
The point that a narcissist doesn't think about you unless they need you or you're an obstacle just opened up so much for me. I always wondered how can he tell me and the world that he loves me so much, but then do things that hurt me or the connection. Bingo!
Is crazy. Today I had to see them. I can see every gaslighting method, but still so difficult to interpret. They act as if they owe me and after 47 years fighting It seems easier to finally let them do whatever they want with me, they keep being nice to win me back, they know I am alone and exhausted. This is about survival. If I cannot plan my escape I will leave with no suitcase just myself and start to walk away. I know is NOT clever but maybe the only way to not to die. The worst thing is that if I say this to anybody I Will look as a crazy person myself instead of them !!!
@@lauraschlottertorres1990 the moment a person is still doubting if the other person is good/bad after decades, that is the proof. ( At least for me. I used to be a person with a lot of flaws but I never doubt if a person was good or bad. Now my head is a complete mess. Thanks to the drunk abuser covert narcissist, my family together with my sister and brother and everybody else around me now. Sticky fingers he has, put everyone against me too. Against me since I am 5 years old. What could I have possibly done wrong at 5 years old? Was I crazy at 5 years old? They are criminals.
“Family sticks together” is probably the most dangerous thing you could believe. It trains you to accept bad behavior simply because someone’s related to you. At the end of the day we’re all here because two people had sex .. that’s it. You have ZERO obligation to put up with anything you don’t want to.
Omg my mom does this all the time. She is so mean to me and such and bully and controlling. She always reiterates , family family family…just giving me the idea that I can’t, not like her.
@@KingMark33 I feel you on that one. “I’m still your mother” … AND?! If you want to play the mom card then why are you, as my mom, intentionally trying to torture me all the time? It’s illogical. And you can’t fight stupid.. I wish you peace my friend
Thank you so much to both of you for bringing awareness to narcissistic personalities. Unfortunately, I am married to man who has 99% of the traits you spoke about. Before I knew what a narcissist was, I cried and blamed myself for not paying attention to the red flags before I got married. After I learned what a narcissist was I realized that my narcissist husband was a chronic liar who deserves an Oscar. The mask he put on was worthy of an award winning performances. He removed the mask right after we got married. I am planning my exit strategy by saving my money for both an attorney and a new home.
Good for you👊🏻. But, don’t stay too long it won’t be a happy ending or it will be unpleasant and difficult to leave the longer you stay😫! Get free now and begin your healing process. Don’t keep planning and saving. Just go👊🏻! I stayed 42 years in a toxic narcissist ic marriage and he nearly killed me👿. Run away fast🙏🏼. God be with you😘
My husband did me the same way. He wore the mask for 3 years until we got married. Then he became very evil to me. He didn't tell me he had HIV. which he had infected me with when we got together. I found out thru some medications he had. Then I got tested and was positive. He then discarded me.
54:05 For anyone who’s feels like they are in a relationship where they are being gaslighted and feels guilt, listen to this. This really hit home for me.
When I first met him he acted like he really was in tc me after 2 yrs he just left and never came back that hurts me so much and still do its been a year now
One of the most explicit examples of narcissism I can think of regarding my mother was when she told me (privately of course), "I hope you don't get into medical school because then you'll be impossible to deal with." When I did get in, there was no congratulations, no celebration, nothing. The only thing she did was make a post on her Facebook to all of her friends basically patting herself on the back about HER daughter getting into medical school. I'll never forget it.
For me it was high school. I did it. Night school. Started work at 16 to support myself. Then she took my diploma from my room when I was not around to show everybody. Soon after i escaped from my country and moved to Canada. Finished University. In my 60th still wishing I had a different mother. I am not resentful. Just sad.
@@milawong4718 I feel for you. May I ask if you had children yourself and if that helped in any way to relieve the sadness of not having a loving mother?
@@missmerbella - I could relate to some degree of disfunction in my relationship with my mother. Yes it’s sad. But when you have your own children you try to be exactly opposite from what you experienced. At least in my experience. When you understand a healthy ..normal behavior . Whatever you didn’t get it you try to work hard to make sure your child doesn’t feel the same pain. For example: I don’t remember ever be hug by my mom.. so I made sure I gave a lot of hugs and kisses.. :) My mom passed away just recently. I forgave her for everything. I feel free and sad sometime,but it’s a relief - it is what it is. You don’t choose your parents. I’m not a victim I’m a survivor of emotional abuse. It took me a long time to get to understand what’s going on in my head... And I’m in the good place right now in my life. I felt in love with “me”. ..:)). That’s how I got to know myself ...and for the first time I understood- how, what and why. It’s interesting.
I found Dr. Ramani during covid and she has helped me in soooo many ways. Being raised by two narcissists and of course marrying a narcissist and choosing so many friends who are narcissists- I’m FINALLY - as a woman of a certain age- realizing what it looks like, accept that I can’t change their behavior, and found my life preserver by walking away from these relationships.
@@gymonpedie1727 the physiological pain connected with the trauma bond is very real. The body keeps score even when we gain knowledge and believe we should be able to break free. I had to go to my Bible and literally copy it word for word to a note pad to focus on the words well enough to be able finally internalize God's words and his love for me. It's very hard. This is what helped me. I'll be saying a prayer for you.
I was RANTING in my car tonight to my daughter. About how my inner most circle. My mother being the head of it all... Are narcs. And that God has allowed this. BC he is with me. And that I already feel alone by the way said inner small circle treats me... But the worst part is GRIEVING WHO I THOUGHT THEY WERE. BUT I NEVER SAW THAT SIDE OF THEM AGAIN... SO CHARMING. BEAUTIFUL. AMAZING. AND TEMPORARY.... I HATE LIVING WITH THE NARC BEHAVIOR IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE... IN ORDER TO DEAL WITH IT ON A DAILY BASIS IS CHANGING WHO I AM. BC IT FORCES YOU TO CHANGE HOW YPU OPERATE. VERY SAD. I HAVE TO GREY ROCK MY OWN MOTHER. WHO COULDN'T REJOICE FOR ME IF SHE WERE PAID TOP DOLLAR. YUCK. AND THE FATHER OF THESE CHILDREN. I WOULDN'T BE SUPRISED IF THEY WERE IN COHOOTS. GOD KNOWS... BUT I DON'T VERY MUCH THINK THEY EVER ONCE CONSIDERED HIS PRESENCE OR THEY WOULDN'T BE DEMON POSSESSED MENTAL LIERS. ()DEEP SIGH THAT FELT GOOD. AS IT COULD GET. CONSIDERING IM JUST DELIVERING SAD COLD FACTS ABOUT MY FAMILY THATS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY AND YET IT IS I... WHO DOES ALL THE WORK. AND DIRTY WORK AND HAPPY WORK AND EXCUSES AND I WILL WALK AWAY FROM THEM. LIKE I DID CIGGERETS AND BAD PEOPLE IN MY 20'S....I HAVE INNER STRENGTH AND JOY AND LIGHT. THANK YOU FOR SHARING. PLEASE DONT MIND THE CAPS LOCK. IT HELPS ME SEE BETTER.
Same best life I've ever had. Walked actually ran away from my mother I now call egg donor & her flying monkeys my full blood siblings. With that I gained my Dad & his other family who are wonderful & feel closer to. I never felt I belonged in that family like someone just dropped me there. My egg donor made my Dad out to be the Worst father/man on earth. That he'd abandoned me & didn't care about me. In my late 30's learned he lived not far from where I did. I reconnected with him & he was Nothing like she claimed. He took full blame for everything & protected her. So she had him tricked him too by playing the victim. She was jealous so just out of the blue no provocation whatsoever she writes my Mother in law who she barely knows telling her how awful I & even her 12 yr old granddaughter are! Then denied doing it to siblings said I was lying or my MIL senile! I learned after my Dad died he'd witten & sent Me letters, Bday cards every yr till I was 18. She never said a word to me about & marked them return to sender. Only learned of after he passed at his funeral ironically it was Mother's Day weekend. After funeral wrote egg donor Do Not Ever contact me again if your sick, dying or dead (tell my siblings) don't want to know or care. My Dad was married to my step mom for 42 yrs, had 2 amazing kids who I ❤️dearly. I grew very close & loved my Step Mom she was amazing women. She passed 2 yrs later. For both their services the Entire town came, even the bars all closed. Heard So many stories of how they'd helped SO many. Told egg donor all of this what an amazing man, husband & father & what a Great women Dad & Stepmom were. He was a far far better, honest & kind man he was & was far to good for her. He deserved better & found it. With that letter I lost all my full blood siblings to but never felt close. Brother said he'd not chose between she & I then realized it was MY choice to make, so it's goodbye. Egg donor despised my Dad because she thought he was the one who reported her to welfare authorities for double dipping. It was actually his Mother. Egg donor eliminated my grandparents who ❤️'d me & I them. She is a vicious, deceitful,vile woman. Ironically she claims & tells everyone what a good christian she is. While to this day she has never told my younger sister my Dad is not her father. My Dad knew said nothing & paid the child support on her, Christian my ass. So I stay as far away as possible from Anyone in organized religion. Once I had rid myself of that toxic bunch from my life, it began filling with the most authentic, amazing, kind, loving people I've Ever known. It's like being reborn into a new life & it's wonderful!!!
I come from a large family where my syblings exerted control over my life as a child/ pre teen I never knew different till I disagreed Now 40 years later they still treat me as i dont matter…. Im beginning to hate everything
@joannelauer1372 Choosing to be alone is not equivalent to being a victim. There is no "growing out" of being an introvert. There is nothing wrong with it.
You probably aren't actually an 'introvert' ... You're emotionally spent. Think back to your earliest childhood memories and really analyze your personality then ... Would you describe your younger self as 'introverted'? Chances are you were a curious and SOCIAL person who has been put through an extended period of stress... that, alone, would wear out anyone; except, you were never given any heads-up, infact, you've been told that you've NEVER even witnessed the experience of life that you clearly remember... and THAT means your entire life has been a very long and extreme level of nearly continuous stress and abuse (whether verbal, mental, emotional, physical, or all)... and IT IS EXHAUSTING!!! I've been told that this feeling eventually passes, I can't verify whether it's true...
Both my parents and my ex husband too. It is a miracle I am alive and sane . I am 47 now . Happy and healthy. Thank you Dr for all your help 4 years now that I am watching your programs and appearances. The world needs more awareness. This in my opinion is a spiritual problem. I hope that spiritual leaders of all denominations can work with you in the near future. I love you ❤️👍keep improving this world! 🙏❤️
@@Inspirationfromthe_heart , Plead the blood of Jesus and rebuke all foul spirits, especially the Jezebel spirit! Men can have it too. It’s a witchcraft spirit, which means controlling and/or manipulating someone else. Witchcraft isn’t always spells and hocus pocus stuff, but it can also be that as well. Also, put on the full armor of God(Ephesians 6:10-18). Pray, pray, pray and most importantly, have a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. ❤ Hope this helps!
@@Inspirationfromthe_heart Be not unevenly yoked. You can't "beat" the Jezebel spirit. It's a murderous spirit that wants to kill you. Coming into agreement with this spirit allows the Ahab spirit to attach to you.
She just described my dad and mom. Don't have needs, you're a burden, it's how you look that counts, what you think is happening isn't really happening.
1:07:05 I didn't know there was a name for the child I was- the truth teller. I was the 8 year old child watching my narc parent throw a tantrum like a toddler and thinking "there's no way this is normal."
@@Cassie-pt7mt yes, they always blamed us for being "bad" when in reality we just saw right through them and they hated it. I'm sorry you went through that.
The "tea-maker part" really hit home... it was a metaphor that would perfectly describe how a relationship with a person with narcissistic personality really is.
Disagree. Dr R hates narcissists. But the thing is, every narcissist had a bad childhood. There are 0 or nearly 0 narcissists who had good childhoods. They were generally never loved and abused. In other words, it’s not the fault of the narcissist they are that way. Furthermore, any of us would be that way had we been born in their shoes. Dr R hates people (narcissists) even though they all had terrible childhoods and are the result of that trauma. Dr R needs to preach the empathy she pretends to have. 🇺🇸
Everyone is a narcissist to some degree. If u live in a huge house, no debt, life is great, and your talking at the store with a ragged looking poor person, it’s actually not narcissistic to look down on them, it’s called being a normal person who is just lucky in life and doesn’t understand what is like to dress poor or live in a shack. Would u label the Kardashians as narcissistic? I wouldn’t, they are just so wealthy they look down on normal people, but that is normal human behavior.
@@JT0007 they are normal people who just happen to be good looking and millionaires but they are not narcissistic, feeling beautiful and being wealthy doesn’t make a person narcissistic, they just feel good in their skin, and that is normal.
I was growing up in the hands of 2 narcissistic abusive parents and all my childhood I was dreaming to escape from that hell. I am 57 years old now. I still have difficulty accept appreciation, still feeling guilty about my needs and so much more. I escaped, and very fortunate to turn my life around, however , living with old scars. Thank you for this!
Wow. So sorry. I’m curious how you navigated not attracting a narcissistic personality as a spouse (if you married)? Tackling this topic on my page and app I’m launching. Would love your feedback. ❤
I feel your pain that is a life I wouldn't wish on anyone. It is hard to feel like you matter when you are told you aren't good enough or a problem. To this day it is hard to do something for me, something as simple as buying a purse would trigger guilt. We are worthy of love and acceptance and it hurts like hell when your own parents dismiss you so easily making every thing about them. We were children that had grow up fast learning how to navigate adult situation that we should have never had to do. This stays with you for a lifetime!
You hit the nail on the head! This guy that I was in a relationship with took his ex and kids on a scuba vacation knowing that my mom was coming to the end of her life (which is the craziest thing that I’ve ever heard of, to take your ex). When he got back and came to the hospital, when I didn’t jump up and say how happy that he was back, he was hurt. Trying to make me feel bad for him. He didn’t even show any sympathy for my feelings or show any caring for my mom. Thank God I didn’t have a low self esteem and was able to see his self serving madness! I’m an empath and always think that I can love someone enough to make their pain go away. Thank goodness I was in the Army and could get away from this person. It was so bad that I volunteered to go to Afghanistan.
I am so happy that we are finally talking out loud about these things. I just wish we could talk to the Narcissist and tell them how much they are hurting the people they are supposed to love.
Not that they wouldn't care, they have a completely different interpretation of reality so your version of reality and there's don't match and they can find ways to justify themselves and blame u in their insanity. It's nuts and there is no reasoning or rationalising with them
I’m crying! When Dr. Ramani said “they’re not allowed to have a reality outside of the parent”. It really hit home that is exactly how I feel about my mother I was ticking off the list with Mel😢
I cried several times while watching this. Was nearly 50 and cut my mother off. She's dead to me. Anyone that says "don't say that" can suck it. Spent my entire life with the crap she drilled into me, and am surprised I'm not dead. You don't teach children to be people pleasers, and tools.
Yes, and this is how *most* of us live our childhoods when one or more of our parents are a narcissist. You have people out here who understand what you went through because we lived through some version of it, too. It's probably not exactly the same...but so many elements will be, and most especially how it made us feel.
Forget the past, block it out. Being up here is actually opening the doors to your pain. Get a hobby that u will love, and do that, don’t focus on people that don’t matter in life, even if it means being alone.
@@jenniferkipp4974 actually plenty of people do that is a part of socialization. it is just a matter of the scale. Anyone who says don't say that has no reference point of a narc parent . I have always found it helpful to think of it as buttons that when pushed you are programmed to respond in a certain way, So when you recognize that you can avoid those buttons - and program new ones . That is the best you are ever going to be able to do - we cannot change our past - but we don;t have to continue reliving it - over and over again
my Mother is a narcissist, I only realised a few years ago. I can't even describe the damage that has been done. I will never forget, but I will never be like that to my children
The most helpful and freeing thing my analyst said about narcissists is something everyone dealing with a narcissist should hear. I was feeling guilty for leaving my 30 year narcissistic ex-husband and I was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that in the end, a narcissist doesn't love you and he didn't love me. She said, "People who lack empathy don't discriminate." It was very liberating!
I just left my husband of 19 years as well. I finally realise I am not the crazy one and accept that he’s never going to change. How’s your healing journey going? Sending you lots of love 💕
Wow I needed to hear this. I am in a divorce now with my husband of almost 11 1/2 years.. and I’ve had the hardest time and this really is very eye opening for me.
@ashlie W I'm with you girl I've been with my husband for going on 11 years. married for almost 10 and I'm just starting to figure all this out. My husbands personality is exactly a NPD traits so perfectly. I find it really sad that they say they don't realize they're that bad. One counselor said that you can tell them and they won't see it. They're masters at the blame game and manipulation.
@@HeatherBurnsDeSalvo I don't buy that they don't know what they're doing. If that were true, they would not have two faces. One for the public, and another for you when you are alone.
I have a brother who is narcissistic but I didn't know it, I tried to get along with him but finally I got away from him because it's impossible. Thank you very much, because I felt guilty and now I don't.
Amen. I have a sister that is too. The guilt use to consume me. Especially because I would be told not to upset my mother. That not talking to my sister was causing my mom grief. But no more. 3 yrs and I haven't spoken to my sister. I pray for her but I have no relationship with her. No guilt either.
Same here！I was always wondering why no matter how nice I am to my sister, she always react and say means things to me. I just realize yesterday that she is a narcissist. Now it makes so much sense! I thought I was going crazy. Thank you!!!!
I feel you big time. In the same boat as you. I spent majority of my life trying to be accepted, loved + seen by my bro but he never cared. A few years ago my bro told me to go kill myself as I was looking sad that day. 2 weeks later he developed pneumonia + almost died. When he came home I brought him org lemon water w/ org honey + his gf had to coach him to say thank you + he begrudgingly said it. When he was back to normal my mom brought to his attention what he has said weeks before to me. She told him he needs to apologize. He's 48 years old. I'm 43. He came to my door, knocked + proceeded to give me a half ass disingenuous apology. I did not accept. As he walked away he said "that's the problem w/ this world, everyone's so god damn sensitive" ..
I was in a relationship with a narcissistic person, and he was an Alcoholic. It was the worst relationship I had ever been in. I thank God for the strength to let go and let God have his way. I have peace of mind, and I am in the healing process now.
I resonate with the part where they take over the conversation. Never letting anyone else talk. The narcissist I removed from my life did that all the time. It was beyond irritating.
It is so boring too, having to listen to them rave on and on about how great their life is! They are never interested in hearing about what is happening for anyone else.
@@universaltruth2025 i had a relative like this but she would insert herself into my conversations with her tales of woe from 60+ years ago with the emotional intensity revved up as if it just happened yesterday .she of course did no wrong ever and everyone else was the s.o.b., this happened when i was just a kid and my friends and i would try to escape but she'd be relentless following us and EVERYONE had heard these same monologues 100000000000x! Even the youngest kids in her proximity! It was like my friends belonged to her if they come over.
This blew my mind. This is exactly what I needed to hear after dealing with a narcissist this last year. I am an IHSS worker in California and give respite care to families with autistic children. Additionally- I have Crohn’s disease. Recently I had to take two weeks to be in the hospital to rest and recover. I have been with this family EVERY SINGLE DAY for 8 months. And I need two weeks to get medication and heal. HOW DARE I!?! The mother I was working for came at me emotionally unregulated, threatened me, tried to show up at my hospital room to yell at me more… claimed I stole her drugs 🤦🏻♀️ and told me I deserved every physical pain I was feeling. Naturally-I was having a hard time processing it all. I did EVERYTHING for this mom and her son. I went above and beyond. But the second I was no use to her- she burned all bridges. She made a comment once that EVERYONE is replaceable and I didn’t take it to heart. But everyone is replaceable in her world- because they are hired by her to be her team. She can always find someone to fill those shoes. She uses her son as an accessory to get favorable attention… But she can’t be bothered with his daily growth. Thank you so much for this podcast. You can’t change the weather in Chicago ❤️❤️❤️
take care - I believe if it is looked for you will find a lot of autoimmune diseases in and around narcissist's - as a device you learn how to swallow your defenses - and I think it does something to your physical health - just my hypothesis but makes a lot of sense from my experiences
Sorry to hear I’ve been reading diseases and connection to the body I see you struggled to work w a narcissist and we know it’s always one way w them , if our needs as a human being isn’t met because of this it will take a toll on our health, such as Crohn’s disease . I read this from this retired physician name Gabor Mate hope you have time to read and hope you get good healing . ❤️
@Allison, I think we worked for the same family IHSS in SF??? Total nightmare lady- I quit after she threw a tantrum. I also am careful not to take such jobs anymore, because I am finding my worth and healing, and we cannot heal from past or current abuse while working for an active abuser. ❤❤❤ we should be friends
I’m so sorry!! You have been so kind and giving! Take your disease as a loud message from your body - to put yourself and your health first and start setting boundaries..
I'm sorry to hear this. As a mother of an autistic child and a person who used respite for years, a good respite worker is absolutely irreplaceable. Our workers saved our lives. They were the only support we had and we will be forever thankful. I am still friends with every worker I ever had. I'm from Iowa which I'm sure is a different culture than CA, but you don't deserve the disrespect this person put you through.
Thing is about somebody with narcissistic personality disorder is that they can never be happy. There's always going to be that one thing that isn't right and they will make both themselves and everyone else miserable because of it. So in that way, yes they are doing harm to themselves even if they don't realize it.
absolutely right - just think about Trump - no matter what the circumstances he is miserable - always -never mind all the disinformation - have you ever seen him enjoy anything unless it is at someones expense? he is incapable - a man that age - healthy - should be enjoying grandkids - etc - have you ever seen / heard of him with them ? he is probably not encouraged to be around them - I am not tearing him apart - just using as an obvious example - it is a miserable soul crushing existence to be them or someone close around them - empathy is the best antidote
My mother is Narcissistic. Because this has been my idea of love I wound up repeating the cycle with Narcissistic men trying to please them like my mother. Now that I'm aware, I'm determined to break the cycle!
I spent 18 years with someone like this and the last full year we've been separated. All I can say is I never realized how drained I was. All. The. Time. I sure wish I knew about narcissism years ago.
I am an authentic person and an empathetic it has gotten to a point where I want to dump all my friends. They are just so selfish I just can't imagine doing some of the things they do. It's all me me me!!
@@angelascarborough6505that,"it's all about me" thing really gets to me! One of my friends was whining (in a text message) about her car getting totaled in a hail storm. I told her my daughter had 2 totaled autos, her house roof was damaged and her house siding. Plus her fridge died the same week. She did not respond to that. That was about 3 weeks ago
Dating narcissists? How about marrying narcissists? Back in the 1970s, no one recognized narcissism. I filed for divorce, and it took me decades to heal. There are hidden areas deep within my psyche that can still burst out when triggered. I have decided to stay single from now on.
The two narcs together were my mom and step dad, the only time I ever hugged him was when he told me they were getting a divorce. I was the truth teller and scapegoat, and my mom absolutely smeared me from infancy with my whole family. No contact has been the most beautiful, life affirming decision I've ever made
Mel and Dr. Ramani - I am deeply grateful for the education. I am the scapegoat adult child of a narcissistic mother. My only sibling, a sister, the golden child, is much more of a narcissist than our mother. I seek education so that I heal.
I (scapegoat)have also discovered recently that my only sister (golden child) seems to be as narcissistic as my mother... Through the years I carried the wish that we will become friends after my mothers passing...
@@ktaylor7901 Yes, I hoped that my mother's influence on my sister will go away if she passes one day, but during this Christmas weekend I realized it will not happen... It is painful to have a normal conversation with her as she has this unpleasant arrogant attitude... She has her own very strong narcissistic personality now... Kind wishes to you!
@@christineoosthuizen4388 Sadly, I experienced the same, continued narcissistic behavior from my sister after our mom passed. I’m sincerely sorry for you that your attempt at reconciliation was met by continued arrogance. Kind regards to you.
Abuse that a narcissist causes to you can't be shown to the world. Many people might not even realise that the pain they are suffering is because they have to deal with a narcissist.
24:45 3 critical things every child needs: 1. Secure Attachment: At least one primary care giver that is consistently available and the child is able to trust. This happens very early (1-3 years old). 2. Self Soothing & Disappointment: Children need to learn how to soothe themselves and be disappointed. They need to be present and learn that not every outcome is going to be the way they want it to be. 3. Empathy: You have to foster empathy and compassion into a child. This can be done through stories and books, but more importantly, it has to be modeled in the home, classroom and world.
Having one loving empathetic parent does not always help. My husband, father of my daughters, was an abuser, a narcissist, yet I, the understanding, loving parent, is the one being mistreated and disrespected. I suppose they feel I did not do enough to protect them and must pay for his abuse. He was looked after until his recent death. At 79 years I am completely alone.
SHE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE!!! She FINALLY helped me understand and navigate through all the tactics, manipulation dealing with a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. It is a miserable interactive relationship. She helped me realize l'm not crazy. She is helping me heal via her RUclips channel. Thank you.
Me too! Dr. Ramani is the one that finally could make me see some sense in my life, in my relationship with my mother and in the person I became. I am so grateful.
I know you don't know me but omg 😳 please believe me I say when I say this I agree and understand and been through what you have I have mother who is like this too. It's her way or the high. The danger of this a lot of them like our mothers really think nothing is wrong with them.
I had a narcissistic boss. He destroyed my mental health. I finally quit and needed treatment with medication, therapy and mindfulness for 2+ years to recover…. Still have flashbacks to the horror
I was a truth teller scapegoat for my mother. I just grew up eating by myself in my bedroom or at a friends house or outside until I turned 18 and could move out. My mother’s drug addiction got worse and worse, especially after she lost me. As an adult, I have felt guilt for her and not doing more to support her, but then I come back to reality and tell myself I did the best I could for me, and that is ALL that matters. I literally grew up in an emotional prison. I did the absolute best I could. Then the guilt goes away. Blessings to you all that have survived and got through the struggle. You never could have been any stronger. You did the absolute best that you could.
Oh my. I resonate with this. The survivor mentality, the guilt because the person you left behind continued to fail themselves and fall apart. They are responsible for their life, not yours. Remember who you had to be to get out in the first place. Life after prison is hard to adapt to, right? Sending love x
Wow, WOW, WOW!!!!! I just learned what I have been living my whole life! This is an amazing "light bulb" moment. I have lived with a narcissistic mother AND stepmother Ffor 61 years and now I know I am not crazy or a horrible daughter.....thank you so much for enlightening me and I am so excited that this is changing my life the more I hear! Thank you so much for this show!
i suddenly woke up about 6 months ago and realised i had put up with this childsihness for 50+ years and i just ended it , . my dad could only put up with her for 8 years before they spilt and ive had to listen to it for 50 years , im ok when she is partnered up but when she is on her own i get (used to get ) both barrells as soon as i walked in . good luck
@@NOT_SURE.. I put up with mine for decades (after finally getting away from home at 14), for the sake of my children. Now my children are grown, I have grands, and she's taking out her childishness on THEM (and me, of course, always). The stories I could tell, lol, just insane. I'm done. She's buried. The end. No, I wouldn't attend her funeral, no I wouldn't plan it, no, I don't give a rat's behind about what she will leave to her current "roommate".
The complete and utter horror of having a narcissistic mother is mind blowing, and the older she gets the worse she gets. She is a vile viscous controlling excuses for a human being. You have to get out and stay out of this never-ending abuse. They see themselves as the controller of your life and are SICK with jealously of any accomplishments you may make. Even when the worst thing happens to you, they are jealous of any attention you may get. Get AWAY AND STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Nothing will ever change.........
I am a full time single mom to a wonderful 4 year old boy who has a sociopath for a father. I appreciate this reassurance because I really want to raise my child in a way that is healthy. I chose to keep his father out of our lives. I decided not to repeat this pattern as I also grew up with a very narcissistic mother.
I think if you deny the child contact with his father he might resent you later on in life. A boy needs a relationship with their dad once in a while. It might be terrible to grow up not knowing your father.
@Happy Dog Did you ever educate your child on narcissism and parental alienation as an adult before he rekindled the relationship with his father? Do you feel it would have prevented the alienation if he was knowledgeable?
I’ve spent my life feeling as if something was deeply wrong with me. When I became an adult I finally sought help for myself and was diagnosed with GAD, MDD, and PTSD from childhood. These videos truly help me feel like I’m not crazy and I can finally put words to what I’ve experienced with my “family.” I’ve gone no contact with NM because I can’t continue playing her mind games.
The pain I’ve suffered from narcissistic people , mainly my mother , was horrific!,, years in counciling,, diagnosed c-ptsd , depression,, it changed me ,, I’ve isolated myself for years,, but I’ve learned a lot,, thank you Mel ,and Dr Ramani!!❤
My mother and father are both narcissistic and I now suffer from borderline personality disorder and it ruins all of my relationships. I'm 32 and have never been married or had a healthy adult relationship with a romantic partner. I barely realized how damaged I was this year at the age of 32. We need to become aware of the damage these monsters do and take drastic measures to keep spreading awareness and save the next generation from this hell.
This described the malignant narcissist I divorced. To exist around him but not an escape from his verbal and physical abuse, neglect , cheating, and abandonments you have to have zero autonomy, boundaries, no self esteem ,self respect, confidence, goals, needs, passions, feelings, or emotions . You are basically a transactional, conditional , convenient background prop ,pawn , programmed disposable replaceable object existing only to serve him in a one side relationship.
I was raised by someone I guess she would say he had narcissistic personality, but my husband it appears it was a covert, narcissist, cheater and liar. He sadly and unexpectedly passed away in September 2021. When I then learned why we had so many problems. This entire podcast is illuminating.
My kids father is a narcissist. I just left him in December and healing from 16 years of narcissism is so hard. We have 4 kids and it’s so much more of a challenge. 😔
I completely relate my dear. Just know that YOU’RE an AMAZING MOM, doing a fantastic job in raising your children. Healing indeed takes time, but you’re on the right path 🙏🏽💖
I’m in the same boat. 12 years with my narcissistic husband and left him. We also have 4 kids and it’s been hell dealing with him in this divorce. I’m so sorry
Early in my marriage in therapy I kept saying “ I’m a piece of furniture & he only thinks about me when he needs to sit down” No one told me at that time about narcissism, but they did warn me this wasn’t viable.
Very interesting. I was a child of a narcissistic mother. In my youth I was a top classical pianist in my country, I went to competitions, performed a lot and my mom would go every where with me, dress me in beautiful dresses, never aloud me to talk to other kids and would act as if I was above everyone. She tried her best to make me like she was, still i came out to be a sensitive and empathetic person. Coaching and uplifting people around me, looking to connect and never stop learning how to be a better person. Yet someone else with that level of success I had might turned out to be a narcissist. I think its written in our soul who we are going to be. Great talk girls. Thanks.
Being successful or really talented doesn't develop narcissism. Having an abusive childhood, possibly abandoned, severely neglected, and or sexually mentally or physically abused results in a person escaping, disconnecting, and they carry that into adulthood. Sounds like your mom encouraged you. Conceited is different than narcissism. Yes narcissists are conceded, but they are so much more than that. Sounds to me as though your mother pushed you to be something maybe she wanted to be but couldn't? But there is a much broader definition of narcissism then just conceit. It is deliberate abuse and manipulation of people exactly to get that attention that they crave.
Incredible congrats. I only played 3 years when I was a child. One thing I had no ability for is. Playing fast and loud or fast and quiet I couldn't really obey the song. But I could play any song by ear. My mom hates my success. Or joy. She hates my existence.
@@marcialussier2467 I had an abusive childhood, neglect, abandonment , manipulation , gaslighting and physical and emotional traumas from which I now heal. My mother unfortunately is a 100% narcissist and the last thing on her mind was to encourage me. I didn’t go in depth in my post I just addressed one aspect of my upbringing that was discussed in this video and i didn’t think of among all the things she did to me throughout my 40 years of life. If a child is clearly not happy doing what her parents want her to do, but they make her do it anyway with a threat of punishment you tell me if this is encouraging? If a child broke her leg and cant walk but her mom is forcing her to practice where she should rather rest and heal, is this also encouraging? I am trauma and nervous system informed person, I would know the difference. I get that my mom had unfulfilled ambitions but I also know her enough to see the narcissistic behaviors she has and how she is with me,my sister and the world and it ain‘t pretty. There is a clear line between encouraging someone and manipulating or controlling. Victims of narcissism have hard time to make sense out of it all but eventually we can see it and thats when we start to heal. Your post indicated that I am confusing her „support“ with her being a narcissist, based on a short post you really can‘t tell someone’s experience with abuser they‘ve lived their whole life with. I have stated clearly: I was a child of a narcissistic mother so there is no doubt and no need to question it.
At a really young age my mother started saying to my sister and I these common phrases that I always thought were normal… “I brought you into this world and I can take you out” “Scratch-scratch - you scratch my back and I will scratch yours” (this was said if I asked for something) “Because I said so” “After everything I do for you..”
I’m a very agreeable person who is a flexible introvert. Very sociable but LOVE BEING ALONE, grew up with narcissistic mother. Dr Ramani has helped me SO MUCH!!! I LOVE YOU DR R!!!!!!
So much resonates in this video. My heart is with all those who have encountered narcissism. I’m still shaken from brief contact with a narcissist a few days ago. Thankfully not a daily part of my life anymore. The worst part is the impact on our kids. I wish things were different every day, that there was some way to be able to put differences aside so we can both be there completely for our kids but I also know there is nothing I can do to change things. The only things I can control are my own actions and responses and be there somehow for our kids. I’m not perfect, I have my own faults/flaws and have made mistakes (this gave him ammunition) but I’ve never cut him off from them as he has cut me off from our youngest. He comes across as charming, intelligent, articulate and presents perfectly. I’m ‘the problem’. In ‘public’ the behaviour is covert and has fooled professionals. It’s hell even 15+ years down the road, heartbreakingly affects the relationship between our kids and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I wish everyone affected by narcissistic connections healing and love. Also that there was some way to cure narcissism. It causes so much trauma and destroys lives.
I spent one year writing with one daily. We met three times. It's been 1 month since no contact but I'm still thinking about him and have nightmares. I am going to a psychologist right now.
I feel everything you said here. We survivors of this have had to do a ton of work and healing.. I’m sorry you experienced this too. Keep your heart beautiful and life uncommon .
Every day I am blown away with how MANY people are survivors of narcissistic abuse! 🤯😱 The tide is turning.....we are all being educated, thanks to Dr. Ramani and sooooo many others! Thank you Mel! New subscriber here!
Yes, new people are being brought into this everyday. "Why? How?" you ask. Well, narcissists can't live without people. They cannot. They NEED to have "yes" people and "you are so great" and "I love you" in their lives. And once some of those people leave, then they have to find NEW people. Then the cycle repeats itself. Example: You or I meet the narc, we find out they are a narcissist, they abuse, we leave or the narc dumps us, and so the narcissist needs new people.
After nearly two decades of narcissistic abusive relationships, I've learned that they very much adapt their behaviours. My previous relationship was with the more covert narcissistic personality type. He was extremely good at hiding his distain and rage. Ramani spoke of how they might lash out when they feel slighted, there are many that will externalise this and punish you later for it. These are in my experience, the most dangerous.
All of the narcissistic people in my life have been pampered and given everything and never had to take responsibility, was very spoilt as a child, taking that formed behaviour throughout life.Always wanting their needs met. And throwing their narcissistic rage when their needs are not being met, and it is always everyone's else's fault.
I'm 76, and I'm just now realizing that my Mother was a classic Narcissist. It took me years during my 20's and 30's to find out who I was. I had never been allowed to feel anger, etc., etc. I've been dealing with these relationships all of my life. I wish I had better news, but it's my opinion that we do not outgrow these patterns to any great degree.
Me too. I’m 62. I’m free now with nobody discouraging or demeaning me. LI don’t know how to be! In my mind I see myself as a gray, cracked and burned human silhouette. My hair is gone. The background is black and gray with broken, burned buildings, shriveled trees and stumps. Burned arms and legs stick up out of the ground. The sky is black. But I am upright, unsteady and stumbling, but I walking out of the war zone of the narcissist. Sis is still trying to take me down. She cannot and will not hurt me anymore. No contact keeps me safe and sane from her attacks. Went no contact on 1/18/23! My personal Independence Day. Wow.
Only when you encounter for yourself, a true narcissist, and the destructive things that they perpetuate, causing pain and Mayham, do you understand how dangerous they are to society. This was a very good podcast to describe the ““ every day, narcissist/sociopath, they both have in common or maybe they are one in the same but they do not :care about other human beings and that’s the point you have to get over when dealing with a narcissist no matter what you do, you cannot change them. You cannot love them to it they will not change and never will they point to themselves and say wow I’m a narcissist “only we call them that. ..narcissist. Good fortune to those who have survived and are living their life a new.
I was the TRUTH TELLER and scapegoated for it. I now have CPTSD and I WILL GET JUSTICE.. ILL BECOME A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER AND BE THE VOICE FOR PEOPLE SUFFERING. EMPOWERMENT IS KEY!
Same here! I also experienced a narcissisticsister whole life! God knows how much she has damaged me ! I suffered a lot!!!! I wish i could handle it earlier! 😢
Thank you for this!! I felt so alone! I'm 52 and have been trying to heal from 2 parents and a daughter who has this personality. Feeling super guilty for cutting them out of my life. Being called crazy and ridiculous. Too sensitive when expressing emotion. When I'm not interrupted.
I know how you feel. I have had that happen to me too 😭 Calling me the crazy, inconsiderate, mean, etc etc when I was kind, understanding, empathic, calm and collected during arguments, flexible, etc. I was a good guy and had good boundaries and they just hated me for it! I was like Jesus to the Jews; I had goodness and love in me and I showed them for their crap! Uuugghh!! I get where you’re coming from!! 💙💙💙
My narcissist said “ I’m sorry you feel that way” after I told her she would never verbally attack me again. I replied I’m more sorry than you. Read between the lines. I was quite shocked that she would think that phrase would negate what she had done--attack me for no reason at all. She lost a devoted friend . I lost someone who felt superior enough to verbally attack me for no reason other than she felt the need to be vile and condescending to a life long friend. She had no trouble using me when she needed me. And she had no trouble belittling me when she needed to feel superior. I saw a side of her I never wish to witness again.
That phrase is used to gaslight. It actually means “sorry, not sorry “ I use it that way to deal with people I don’t like or who rant and yell at me in my job. I’m not suggesting you are exhausting or annoying- but it sounds like you’ve never heard this phrase used before by a gaslighter. Definitely a gaslighting phrase. Try it out sometime on someone you don’t like- its fun 😂 They think you are being totally sincere. Its irony. You don’t mean it. You never will. Thats how it was used against you in that situation. The more you know….
"I'm sorry you feel that way." -- I was just talking with a friend about that line. The speaker (who spews out that line) is trying to make something that is about HIM appear to be about the person they're speaking to. It's a way of deflection, of avoiding the issue while giving the surface appearance of engaging. From the perspective of an outsider who has no idea what's going on it looks like the speaker is the one who is 'trying' and the target (who is actually the aggrieved party) looks like the one who is refusing to 'try' and the one who is the 'problem'. Of course, what's actually going on is pretty much the opposite!
Dr. Ramini is absolutely correct. While going through my divorce, the judge ordered psych evals on both my ex-husband and me due to all of the accusations my ex was making. After a month of testing/interviews, the results were that my physician/surgeon ex-husband was given the diagnosis of vindictive narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. My ex decided that since he didn't seek out the evaluation it was null and void.
@@sandrablake2362 what was even more interesting about the evaluation was that the psychologist that did the testing was chosen by his team not mine. There was seemingly a bias going in, but the psychologist couldn't ignore the test results.
I learnt from an early age that my narcissistic mother would not provide nurturing towards myself, my brother & sister. In fact she was often snide, lie, felt entitled, rage at the drop of a hat & disallow autonomy. I observed her- I didn’t antagonise her. That was key. She would call me the psychologist- when I questioned or studied someone’s attitude or behaviour. Deep down she had shame & insecurity🇦🇺
The way you described the roles in a family, you just listed out my household. Period. My dad was the boss narcissist. My mom was also somewhat a narcissist. My eldest sister was the golden child, because she was brilliant at school and everyone envied her. My second sister was the helper, because she wanted to please or avoid them. my youngest sister was the scapegoat, because she wasn't like the other two, but more of a troublemaker. And finally, I, was the fixer/brainwashed/golden child #2. Now here's the plot twist. Long story short, my parents, as listed above, were actually my grandparents, who adopted me from their oldest daughter, the golden child when i was still an infant. She gave me away willingly, allegedly, i assume, because my parents were notorious for wanting a son, and perhaps she was subliminally pressured, or tricked into giving me away. Then when i turned 3, my biological mother died. So fast forward throughout my life, i've been bombarded with stories of how i was conceived at a very late age, how special child i was. And oh how special my "eldest sister" was. Add to that, all the narcissistic tendencies, like gaslighting, guilting, shaming, and sayings like "we did everything for you, and you do this in return?, or you can't even do this" etc. Not only was I lied to about my lineage, not only did I lose my sense of identity through textbook narcissistic abuse, but through made-up stories and narratives about who i was and where i came from. Oh, and you can't even imagine the backlash when i revealed to them that i discovered that i was actually my alleged eldest sister's son. Both my alive "sisters" were in on the whole charade, and attacked me accordingly, as any helper/scapegoat flying monkeys as they were, would. So now i'm on a journey of healing myself from the destruction of my identity, or the fact that they never allowed me to build one in the first place. "A sense of self" is the word. And i hope that word would set me free.
At least help has come our way,we wanna change,we wanna shed off the old and forge ahead,it's so amazing how these two lovelies have brought it,may our hearts heal and settle,may you find your true identity and love yourself 🌹
I hope you succeed in this journey of healing. And even if you are half way there or just starting, I hope you see more beautiful things and experience happy moments through out your journey. Good luck! Fighting! Don't forget to take care of your physical health no matter how hard it is. Never ignore your physical health because it's important for a heathy mind. Take care. ❤️
Bless you Mel and Doctor Ramani for sharing this enlightening podcast. I wasted over 30 years married to a narcissist who had me believing I was crazy/faulty/worthless/deranged/etc. His abuse was increasing in frequency and severity to the point where I had to seek refuge with friends to preserve my sanity and, indeed my life. Over the years, I tried everything to make my marriage work but, as Doctor Ramani said, "You can't change the weather in New York" so I finally decided to make plans to leave. I had to keep reminding myself to "Disengage to avoid the rage" and that often meant locking myself in my room for hours - only venturing out when my husband had left the house or passed out from excessive drinking. I obtained a protection order but, before it was served, my husband took his own life. It's been a very difficult time but, thanks to Doctor Ramani, I now recognize and have the tools to protect myself from the all-too-prevalent narcissists that have been a part of my life for so long. I've said goodbye to a couple of long-term 'friends' recently (because they can't handle my new-found confidence) and that's OK. I am detoxing my relationships and embarking on a journey to rediscover my True North and I don't intend to take any narcissists along for the ride.
so important to note that narcisist are made because it is a coping survival instinct. so demonizing and discouraging engagement is completely counter productive
So are sociopaths and Avoidants. But I've found that it's best to stay away, at least romantically: And the saddest one of all is the avoidant because they have good hearts and are not bad people, but their partner will still suffer with treatment very similar to being with a narcissist or sociopath. It sucks. And I hate that I know so well what these personality types entail. For a lot of my life I was attracted to either sociopaths or avoidance. I've done in years and years of counseling and finding God to change my attraction to healthy and consistent men. Thankfully I was never attracted to the narcissist.
I could never please my Mom, nor could I ever win with her no matter what I said or did or how I tried to deal with her. She was a malignant narcissist and she was always angry with me, always unhappy, always blaming, always controlling etc. She died in September of 2022 and it was the most freeing day of my life without a doubt. I cannot describe what it is like to finally have my own life and be able to live it and it was heartbreaking and painful always but I am so DAMN glad she’s removed from my life.
I had an abusive Narc Dad. When he died I was released from the grips of his toxic behavior. I also never had a nightmare of him again. One I had had over n over of him wanting to kill me👿! It all ended with his death❤️. But, I ended up marrying a Narc😱😢. Lasted 42 years until I had to flee to save my life. I’m divorced now and healed and happy n safe🙏🏼 God be with you😘
Check, check, check. How it impacts you…you attract other narcissist. You feel like you are dying being constantly betrayed. Négociateurs and navigate continuously. Thanks for you session
A character in one of my books says 'life is a process of learning to deal with disappointments'. Often times it is our families who are the source of those disappointments, at other times it is ourselves. This talk by the doctor was very enjoyable. Thanks.
What a great conversation! I would add that as a point #6: there is no limitation to the extent of harm a narcissist person will inflict. If you get in their way, it's unbelievable the lengths they will go to to destroy you. You'll actually have trouble believing it and accepting it as reality.
You described in details my childhood. I'm taking distance to my mom and divorcing from my husband. The funniest thing is that my mom isn't caring at all for me, she is hanging up with my husband instead. It's mad. But, in spite of this awful depression I'm going through, I'm going to get free. Yes, I am. Thank you lovely woman for what you do for us, abused children, the worse destiny we could get.
Oh my goodness, my mom has done this too. She has my ex vacation w her. It was a massive betrayal and the pain from that is intense. I've never been picked by my mom though, so why would that start now? I'm glad to be gaining clarity on my who my mom is now.
Yes. Stay away. Life gets better. My narcissist brother has tried getting in touch w me 3 times as an adult and it never works out. Never. I will not tolerate another attempt. I am so happy on my own! You matter ♥
I listened to this episode 4 times. It made me really think. I wish you could address how to handle someone who is a narcissist behind closed doors but to the outside world goes out of her way to act like she is so sweet and Godly. That would really help me.
@@sherryfinnimore7681 my mom is one. I understand the confusion. It took me a long time to understand how she could be “loving” to everyone outside of our family but a monster behind closed doors.
Dr. Ramani....Your wisdom has gotten me through the last several years leaving and healing from my narcissist. The teapot analogy and the True North in this video were so enlightening. I have been trying to get to my full authentic self, and each video brings me closer and closer to that. It is so like a super big onion with hundreds of layers that just get me closer and closer to the core of who I truly am. Keep up the amazing and great work. Too many people need to know what you teach so they do not tolerate living with or under the shadow of someone who does not value them or love them as deeply as humans long to love and be loved.
Thank you!!! I’m tired of hearing people say you can’t diagnose people… because I feel we need to talk about narcissism way more to help people avoid decades of abuse.
My heart goes out to people who suffer with this debilitating delima. My plans are now to understand that compassion can sometimes mean disengaging. I feel a certain kind of freedom, but it is sad. I am seeing a kind counselor.
Dr. Ramani @DocterRamani absolutely blew my mind today talking about narcissists and how they operate 🤯. Make sure you hit like and subscribe to hear from more incredible guests we have coming on in the future!
My mom always tells me rhat I’m the reason for her hemorrhoids!! No mom,daddy is the reason,trust me I definitely wouldn’t pick,you as my mom.
so dope ❤
A hyper link would be so great. I’m visually impaired and I could find a bunch of links for the channel I’m on but not the doctors. For some reason copy paste isn’t working.
I hadn't heard this one. Definitely one of your best, I love Dr Ramani. I'm going to go off and try to find her information. Thanks!
You were cracking me up. . . "Can you give us some more role plays?" Same. Mind blown
I was brainwashed from the start. I grew up in a narcissistic family system. No contact was my only option. Abusers don't change!
I agree. Now we can move forward to chase our dreams!!
Yes they don’t change and never.we should leave them alone to die
My wife grew up in one as well! They recently raged on us for two weeks non stop for me simply and kindly setting a boundary. My wife refuses to go no contact and put up with way too much though now they are on good behaviour. It hurts and worries me everytime she goes and spends time with them. She is a big co dependant and refuses to stand up to them. Im now the scapegoat as others are saying I'm the crazy one and that if only i healed my unhealed past I could tolerate them better. I dont know. Praying everyday.
But unfortunately very difficult to convince our parents and so ended up contacting them...wht I feel engage calmly and get out as soon as the purpose for your visit is served...come late and go early
I have coined a description for narcissists: Non-Engaged Superego Primitive Brain. NESPB.
My mom would verbally abuse me not by yelling mean things…she’d whispered them to me. In a crowded room…at a birthday party…in a restaurant…I’d be sitting there next to her getting abused. No one knew. She’s this nice, sweet lady to everyone else but to me she’s a monster.
My dad stopped liking me once I was no longer a cute baby. He physically abused me. It was his way or the highway. Like my mom, everyone knew my dad as a funny, friendly guy.
It was hell. I’m glad I got out of that situation. My parents are still alive. I want nothing to do with them.
Geez, this sounds like hell.
@@sybersandy it is hell an absolute living hell to be told you were a mistake you weren’t wanted, that my mother lied to my father about taking birth control when she really wasn’t because she wanted us kids.. she passed away from breast cancer so I never had her in my life since I was 4 years old.. hate to say this but I feel the wrong parent was taken!!!! 😢😢
😢😢sounds very similar to me.. I’m not out yet away from the toxicity but I’m determined to, I need money I’m in a bad place right now
Wow you totally didnt deserve that. Hope life is way better and peaceful now
❤
Am i the only one who doesn't want this video to end? I can listen to their discussion the whole day with coffee. Great discussion.
Same.
Yes! I will be listening to it again... so much valuable information I was trying to "unpack"... felt like I might have missed something. My aha moment was the guilt I constantly feel is not me, but the manipulative tactics of my narcissistic mother. It felt like a huge burden being lifted... it's. NOT. MY. FAULT!!!!
@@julietalmage1248 it makes me shutter with disgust towards their rude selfish behavior towards a FAMILY MEMBER
Yes!! I couldn't write quickly enough.
They’re both brilliant and charismatic
1:09:42 - "Empathy and compassion doesn't mean that you forever remain someone's prisoner."
🙌💖
Oh my gawd that set my brain on fire. When my narc mother was very unwell, dying of COPD, she held me hostage making me the one to take care of her, and I'm severely mentally ill and ended up in the psych hospital during the time she was sick because I couldn't go any where for any more than an hour, I was so sleep deprived, like having a newborn in the house except a grown up a**hole. I had no idea how long I'd be her prisoner until she died. I couldn't go visit my son in another state, my boyfriend in another part of the state.....all because she refused to get someone to come into the home to help. Honestly, I felt so free when she died. It only took 5 months for CoPD to take her and my GOD I'm stilling trying to catch up on sleep, stop waking up to every single noise.....she broke me. I spent 10 days in the psych ward in mid August (she was diagnosed beginning of June, she died mid october). Sick people cannot take care of sick people. She truly was an evil person.
What should I do if my child is Narc. Maybe it was my contribution to this. Whatever the cause of my child narc I cannot abandon my child. What should I do.
@@GoldenMouse-1001 Get them into therapy.
Well said ☺️
That’s exactly right, a narcissist never has you on their mind, but you are absolutely supposed to be and expected to be on call or stand-by for them!!!!!
What if I just feel bad and grumpy for little things that people did and can’t let it go so I constantly give them a hard time but when they do things for me then I’m in a good mood n treat them nicely? Does that make me a narcissist
That’s so true
Your OVER thinking
that is absolutely not true - if it is feeding time - they will obsess over someone else - it is their supply and they need it like they need oxygen . things are more complex than you understand it
And clean up the messes they create.
My brain feels like it is going to EXPLODE.
Got my girls to bed and usually it’s this time where I would blast some music in my headphones and clean up the house before I go to sleep but ever since I started your podcast I have found myself choosing to absorb this over music without a purpose.
I have tried to fully comprehend the extent of abuse of our childhood but it’s not till after this episode I see things how they truly are.
We were taken to another country without a choice by our narcissistic mother and stepfather. Our family was already failing when my real dad and mom were together but this woman chose to take her kids away from their biological dad to a foreign country opposed to swallowing her pride and co parenting with my dad.
This is where I would spend the majority of my childhood years (Temosachic Chihuahua Mexico) both my stepfather and mother were extreme alcoholics. We grew up in conditions that I still can’t even say out loud. No running water, no electricity and with two “parents” that would rather spend the only money we’d come by on their next bottle of whiskey.
My mom ended up having two other kids with my stepdad and my middle sister and I quickly became their caregivers. Anything her babies needed she would holler at us to tend to them. Any time any of us kids would ask about our real dad my stepfather and mother would get drunk and cause a huge scene crying asking us what have they done so wrong that we would be asking about our real dad.
All of my moms kids ran away before turning 18.
At 13 years old I got on a bus and traveled by myself from Mexico to Vegas to meet my real dad.
my oldest sister who had gotten married and was no longer controled by our mom was the one who helped my middle sister and I get out of there.
I never realized how insane it was until I had lids of my own. I don’t even let my girls go in the front yard by themselves 😂
But there I was at 13 on a bus by myself going to meet a man I didn’t even remember. The only reason I knew he was my dad is my older brother would be with him. So he must be my dad.
I thought I was finally getting a normal life and boy was I wrong. From the time my dad got me back we always lived in someone else’s home or in and out of hotels. And he’s now 55 and NOTHING has changed. He doesn’t own a home, doesn’t have a vehicle and is on the verge of going bankrupt.
For years I felt like I was in debt to him so I would do all his errands, Pay all his bills, make all his phone calls. Now that my husband has opened my eyes to who he truly is and I no longer jump when he calls because he needs me to go do something for him… GUESS WHAT? He never calls!
I have spoken to my mother one time since I came back from Mexico and I told her I forgave her for everything. This woman STILL thinks they gave us a good life in Mexico. If starving in another country, witnessing physical abuse and being molested by our stepdad is what you call a “good life” i don’t want it!
I am finally starting to see their ways and no longer fall victim to their game. I send them a silent blessing and keep my energy field uncontaminated.
If you’re still here reading, this is not a pity party im throwing myself. It’s just my experience growing up with a narcissistic mother.
Thank you guys so much for this specific episode you don’t know what you have done 🤍 🙏
Keep going and keep growing. Gather your strength and realize you are special and
you are important. Your needs and ideas matter. Find your own way to the happiness you deserve.
You don't sound like it's self pity, more like matter of fact about life with crazy parents. I had a mother that came very close to setting up things for me that way. I always wondered (if she had gone through with keeping us out of state or the country) if my dad would have come for us or not. He's more passive aggressive than narcissistic, and he's not necessarily helpful in a crisis. Good for you for taking charge and leaving at such a young age. The human spirit is strong enough to overcome most anything with some people, and congrats on finding out the hard way that you are one of them. 🤔
you sound quite balanced considering all that, the good thing is that our poor childhoods can very oftern produce nice ,caring individuals with empathy and strong characters ..the hardest thing to do is walk away from your parents
Oh my dear sad but good because you have a supportive husband walkinv with you
Narc Daily You Are Not Alone
Check out Andrews channel
God bless you and yours
These women just single handedly described and explained my childhood under 2 hours where it took me decades of therapy to understand 😂 Thank you for all the work you both do!
Ditto
Same here
Can you expand what you mean? I'm a divorced father that has two children with a person that I consider falls under this personality and it worries me for our children. They are already effected greatly by her actions, and I worry for their future. This is why I'm asking. Thank you.
@@cma3436 I suffered from emotionally immature, narcissistic mother growing up (until now). It affected how I feel about myself, how I lack of a strong identity (because everything is always about her), and also affected my relationship as well. It’s incredibly painful, and it took me a while to truly understand these impacts. I don’t have an emotionally available father either, but knowing that you realize and worry for your children - I believe they will be okay, just be there for them when they need it 🙂
@@Aghinia I have a couple more questions, do you mind if I ask you on here? I hate how impersonal this is, but this means the world to me that you can share your story. My 13 year old is suffering immensely from what you are describing, and my 10 year old is a scapegoat which I literally just learned. Your words are kind about me supporting them as their father, but my ex has turned my oldest against me, but she still comes to my home on schedule, but she's almost completely checked out when she's with me. I wish there was a way we could chat even briefly. Not sure if you are a parent, but seeing this happen to your children is gut wrenching, and nobody seems to be able to help, or want to help. It's crazy. Anyway, if nothing else, thank you for your response.
I grew up with an intensely narcissistic parent, who would often angrily exclaim, "if you would just think with my mind, everything would be fine." I've often thought that summed up the miserable experience pretty well.
Wow, that's great!
Growing up in the foster system, I think it would be beneficial to do a study on survivors of the foster system to see how many have developed narcissistic personalities. I am a narcissist based on my own experiences in the foster system. I was abandoned at six months, spent 16 years being abused in the system, then I was kicked to the streets. During my time in the foster system I noticed girls didn't like me, people I thought were friends didn't want to be around me, and when I was at school I was bullied by the racist kids because I was alone in an all caucasian school. Then, being kicked to the streets with an active addiction, I was told several times I would be dead before reaching 25. I had no healthy connections, no healthy blueprint of how to navigate my life, and no employment experience; so I had to figure it out on my own. I made poor choices in partners, friends, and I took the worst jobs because I felt at that time I was only worth that much.
After I sobered up in 2006 I began looking into my patterns, relationships, and every aspect of my own life to try to figure out why I made such poor choices. My lack of safety, cultural connection, lack of family support, and toxic friendships all pointed back to me. I had to learn to take responsibility, step out of my comfort zone, and begin holding myself accountable. Today I am still working on my issues, but I can say I feel far better than I did 30 years ago, when I felt I had to be in control over everyone in my life. I have learned to let go so so much, and being alone has become more of a blessing than a curse. I have learned to be more comfortable in my own skin, and my relationship with my children has improved. Nothing is perfect and I stumble a lot, but I catch myself faster now than I did back then.
❤
This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. You are a gifted writer.
cPTSD and trauma can look a lot like NPD.
Whatever your issues and their origins (we all have them!), I celebrate your self reflection and mostly how you didn’t justify your poorer decisions or decision making processes. You write with accountability and ownership for your part in things, with appreciation for the complexity of the picture - but no justifications. That is a mark of a person who’s learned humility, and IMO that is synonymous with “character”.
Cheers to your willingness and ability to face the scariest monster in any room: ourselves and the narratives that soothe us. Many people stay safe and warm and toxic in that delicious fart-filled blanket of safety and warmth. Cheers that after so much trauma you’ve got the balls and the character to tear down your own unbeneficial habits, even when they in some way keep some part of you safe and warm. I honor your brass balls that give you the heart to look at yourself honestly and square off with your own demons. It’s the best quality in a person and the lack of it is the most dangerous quality to have in a loved one.
Sounds more like borderline. Narcissists don't improve and usually get worse with age. Borderlines typically improve with age with or without therapy. BPD can be caused by narcissistic abuse btw.
Like another commenter said, it could just be complex PTSD from repeated abuse (I actually have that.) Disorders caused by abuse can be hard to untangle and pinpoint. I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey ♥️
I am incredibly proud of you. Your example is a gift in the world. Blessings & love to you & yours, & keep up the good work.
As I am listening to this my mom calls. I didn’t pick up not in the mood to be verbally abuse or have her make me feel guilty. I have not spoken to her for some time. I decided last year to cut all the toxic people including ex out of my life and started the healing process. I wish I could have understood this much earlier in my life I am 53 now. This was a true eye opener. Next step is to try to get her voice out of my head.
Ruth a. I hope. God gives you peace . And I also am verbally abused by my mother. I need a way out so that I can find peace . I once didn't talk to my mother for two years when. I was out on my own with my husband but then I started taking to her again because my little brother of 26 years old died who she loved alot . And I felt sorry for her. But now she is alot more abuse towards me verbally and emotionally and very critical. Now my husband and my dog has passed away and its very hard for me to deal with. Please iray for me.
I said the same thing… I wish I had learned this much earlier in life! I have found in my own experience that these people use you for what they can get out of you and have no remorse for your suffering 😢 I am going on 52 this year and I can say it’s not been an easy life thus far. I’m hopeful that someday I will have the life I needed and longed for of peace and happiness without All the drama
I removed my entire abusive family from my life, several years ago, in my early 50's. I'm much happier. I don't cry every day like I used to. But I'm afraid their voices are in my head for life.
Your on the right path now. You can move forward to 😊 happiness
@@leslieiris7093 remember you don't have to have toxic ppl in your life, esp if they make you miserable.
Now I can finally confirm after hearing this that I married a true narcissist 3 years ago and since I wasn’t aware bout narcissistic behaviour I ended up mentally suffering and declined, I have now PTSD anxiety depression. My mind was constantly questioning myself if I am the one who’s the problem. But I finally escaped 3 months ago and felt so relieved and my mind’s at peace.
Clever, I didn't get out, 24 yrs later with two grown sons and a life of medical abuse as I suffer from Ptsd and that's it!!! No one sees the narsasist for who they are...perfect in every deceptive manipulative evil twist.
Keep moving forward be proud of your strength to free yourself. Never have regrets👍🏻! You think you feel great now wait when you have reached a year, two years, then 5 years😁! You will be soaring in sheer happiness and free to be who you deserve to be😘. I did 42 years with a Narc. I’m free and living life happy after being divorced 5 years.
Don’t look back n don’t go back👹!
The mind is adaptable, it can heal from awful trauma. You'll see that you're a lot stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for.
Eventually, I hope you decide to get out.
@@nancyk7954 I'm in year 34 of my marriage,pretty sure I'm in this situation 😢😢
I grew up without my parents. I attract narcissist. I am done. I am going to take care of my kids and travel. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping me through my break up. Our last step is to sell the house and I will be free. I am now well educated. Thank you
Look for Kennye Weiss he teaches how to take care of our inner child.
I’m also in the middle of selling the house after 28 yrs of abuse… There’s so much grief detaching from the Narc, the dream and your home…
@tonyaphillips6228 i am so sorry you are going through this. I can understand what you are going through. My heart is broken for you.
Yes i am still heartbroken i lost what i thought was my dream home. It never was my home. It was his because he made more money than i did. I helped pay for the house when i shouldnt have had too. Its so sad. I hope you find peace. I also hope we can all lean on eachother and learn from each other and what we went through. I am here if you need an ear to listen.
People never understand what happens having children,assets, or any financial matters with narcissist. Many will blame you. I hope all goes well for all. Stay blessed
@@kayjones542- same. His house. But I had to pay for any remodeling even though he earns 5 times more than me, and I was paying for my kids stuff.. he didn’t help with that. I also paid for most groceries.
But the shower tile was falling off, carpet in the kitchen 30 yrs old and gross, and paint… I paid for it to make the house nicer.
We sold that house, once kids were grown.. now looking for a new place- he looks at the cheapest, most run down places… I know he won’t want to pay for fixing anything. It seems he really just doesn’t want to provide a decent home for his wife…. I’ve learned boundaries and how to nicely hold my ground.
And I can always leave. Even though that would mean lots of temper tantrums and crying on his part.. trying to make me feel guilty for abandoning him.
The point that a narcissist doesn't think about you unless they need you or you're an obstacle just opened up so much for me. I always wondered how can he tell me and the world that he loves me so much, but then do things that hurt me or the connection. Bingo!
And try to make you feel guy for leaving
Is crazy. Today I had to see them. I can see every gaslighting method, but still so difficult to interpret. They act as if they owe me and after 47 years fighting It seems easier to finally let them do whatever they want with me, they keep being nice to win me back, they know I am alone and exhausted. This is about survival. If I cannot plan my escape I will leave with no suitcase just myself and start to walk away. I know is NOT clever but maybe the only way to not to die. The worst thing is that if I say this to anybody I Will look as a crazy person myself instead of them !!!
Unfortunately, I can relate
That's exactly what I have been living for 44 years. Could it be a just a bad person How do you really know he's a Narcissist
@@lauraschlottertorres1990 the moment a person is still doubting if the other person is good/bad after decades, that is the proof. ( At least for me. I used to be a person with a lot of flaws but I never doubt if a person was good or bad. Now my head is a complete mess. Thanks to the drunk abuser covert narcissist, my family together with my sister and brother and everybody else around me now. Sticky fingers he has, put everyone against me too. Against me since I am 5 years old. What could I have possibly done wrong at 5 years old? Was I crazy at 5 years old? They are criminals.
“Family sticks together” is probably the most dangerous thing you could believe. It trains you to accept bad behavior simply because someone’s related to you. At the end of the day we’re all here because two people had sex .. that’s it. You have ZERO obligation to put up with anything you don’t want to.
my kids father says that to them. He tried to say that to me to guilt me into staying with him after cheating, physical abuse, mental abuse, ect.
I can’t stress this comment enough.
Omg my mom does this all the time. She is so mean to me and such and bully and controlling. She always reiterates , family family family…just giving me the idea that I can’t, not like her.
You are absolutely correct.
@@KingMark33 I feel you on that one. “I’m still your mother” … AND?! If you want to play the mom card then why are you, as my mom, intentionally trying to torture me all the time? It’s illogical. And you can’t fight stupid.. I wish you peace my friend
Thank you so much to both of you for bringing awareness to narcissistic personalities. Unfortunately, I am married to man who has 99% of the traits you spoke about. Before I knew what a narcissist was, I cried and blamed myself for not paying attention to the red flags before I got married. After I learned what a narcissist was I realized that my narcissist husband was a chronic liar who deserves an Oscar. The mask he put on was worthy of an award winning performances. He removed the mask right after we got married. I am planning my exit strategy by saving my money for both an attorney and a new home.
@ Prime - Romulus - safe yourself. Don’t look back. You’ll be fine. 🤞🏼
Good for you👊🏻. But, don’t stay too long it won’t be a happy ending or it will be unpleasant and difficult to leave the longer you stay😫!
Get free now and begin your healing process. Don’t keep planning and saving. Just go👊🏻!
I stayed 42 years in a toxic narcissist ic marriage and he nearly killed me👿. Run away fast🙏🏼. God be with you😘
@@sandrablake2362 Amen to that!!
1st night as a married couple ✔️
My husband did me the same way. He wore the mask for 3 years until we got married. Then he became very evil to me. He didn't tell me he had HIV. which he had infected me with when we got together. I found out thru some medications he had. Then I got tested and was positive. He then discarded me.
54:05 For anyone who’s feels like they are in a relationship where they are being gaslighted and feels guilt, listen to this. This really hit home for me.
When I first met him he acted like he really was in tc me after 2 yrs he just left and never came back that hurts me so much and still do its been a year now
Thank you so much for this timestamp!
7 Characteristics Of A Love Avoidant podcast ----Kenny Weiss
@sherriflemming3218 *..."love avoidant podcast"?* Am wondering about the context of this topic, thanks.
@@elaineshaw5846 same story mine lasted 18 months , it’s also been a year ❤
One of the most explicit examples of narcissism I can think of regarding my mother was when she told me (privately of course), "I hope you don't get into medical school because then you'll be impossible to deal with." When I did get in, there was no congratulations, no celebration, nothing. The only thing she did was make a post on her Facebook to all of her friends basically patting herself on the back about HER daughter getting into medical school. I'll never forget it.
For me it was high school. I did it. Night school. Started work at 16 to support myself. Then she took my diploma from my room when I was not around to show everybody. Soon after i escaped from my country and moved to Canada. Finished University. In my 60th still wishing I had a different mother. I am not resentful. Just sad.
@@milawong4718 I feel for you. May I ask if you had children yourself and if that helped in any way to relieve the sadness of not having a loving mother?
wow
@@missmerbella - I could relate to some degree of disfunction in my relationship with my mother. Yes it’s sad. But when you have your own children you try to be exactly opposite from what you experienced. At least in my experience. When you understand a healthy ..normal behavior .
Whatever you didn’t get it you try to work hard to make sure your child doesn’t feel the same pain.
For example: I don’t
remember ever be hug by my mom.. so I made sure I gave a lot of hugs and kisses.. :)
My mom passed away just recently.
I forgave her for everything.
I feel free and sad sometime,but it’s a relief - it is what it is. You don’t choose your parents. I’m not a victim I’m a survivor of emotional abuse. It took me a long time to get to understand what’s going on in my head... And I’m in the good place right now in my life. I felt in love with “me”. ..:)). That’s how I got to know myself ...and for the first time
I understood- how, what and why.
It’s interesting.
@@grazynkatodisco4916 thank you so much for sharing your experience.
I found Dr. Ramani during covid and she has helped me in soooo many ways. Being raised by two narcissists and of course marrying a narcissist and choosing so many friends who are narcissists- I’m FINALLY - as a woman of a certain age- realizing what it looks like, accept that I can’t change their behavior, and found my life preserver by walking away from these relationships.
Same here being home I discovered her and I say that's one positive thing that cMe out of Covid. I'm now on a path of healing and awareness
@@gymonpedie1727 the physiological pain connected with the trauma bond is very real. The body keeps score even when we gain knowledge and believe we should be able to break free.
I had to go to my Bible and literally copy it word for word to a note pad to focus on the words well enough to be able finally internalize God's words and his love for me. It's very hard. This is what helped me. I'll be saying a prayer for you.
I was RANTING in my car tonight to my daughter. About how my inner most circle. My mother being the head of it all... Are narcs. And that God has allowed this. BC he is with me. And that I already feel alone by the way said inner small circle treats me... But the worst part is GRIEVING WHO I THOUGHT THEY WERE. BUT I NEVER SAW THAT SIDE OF THEM AGAIN... SO CHARMING. BEAUTIFUL. AMAZING. AND TEMPORARY.... I HATE LIVING WITH THE NARC BEHAVIOR IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE... IN ORDER TO DEAL WITH IT ON A DAILY BASIS IS CHANGING WHO I AM. BC IT FORCES YOU TO CHANGE HOW YPU OPERATE. VERY SAD. I HAVE TO GREY ROCK MY OWN MOTHER. WHO COULDN'T REJOICE FOR ME IF SHE WERE PAID TOP DOLLAR. YUCK. AND THE FATHER OF THESE CHILDREN. I WOULDN'T BE SUPRISED IF THEY WERE IN COHOOTS. GOD KNOWS... BUT I DON'T VERY MUCH THINK THEY EVER ONCE CONSIDERED HIS PRESENCE OR THEY WOULDN'T BE DEMON POSSESSED MENTAL LIERS. ()DEEP SIGH THAT FELT GOOD. AS IT COULD GET. CONSIDERING IM JUST DELIVERING SAD COLD FACTS ABOUT MY FAMILY THATS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY AND YET IT IS I... WHO DOES ALL THE WORK. AND DIRTY WORK AND HAPPY WORK AND EXCUSES AND I WILL WALK AWAY FROM THEM. LIKE I DID CIGGERETS AND BAD PEOPLE IN MY 20'S....I HAVE INNER STRENGTH AND JOY AND LIGHT. THANK YOU FOR SHARING. PLEASE DONT MIND THE CAPS LOCK. IT HELPS ME SEE BETTER.
Good for you! Now you'll be available to interact with good, healthy people as you continue your healing process.
Same best life I've ever had. Walked actually ran away from my mother I now call egg donor & her flying monkeys my full blood siblings. With that I gained my Dad & his other family who are wonderful & feel closer to. I never felt I belonged in that family like someone just dropped me there. My egg donor made my Dad out to be the Worst father/man on earth. That he'd abandoned me & didn't care about me. In my late 30's learned he lived not far from where I did. I reconnected with him & he was Nothing like she claimed. He took full blame for everything & protected her. So she had him tricked him too by playing the victim. She was jealous so just out of the blue no provocation whatsoever she writes my Mother in law who she barely knows telling her how awful I & even her 12 yr old granddaughter are! Then denied doing it to siblings said I was lying or my MIL senile! I learned after my Dad died he'd witten & sent Me letters, Bday cards every yr till I was 18. She never said a word to me about & marked them return to sender. Only learned of after he passed at his funeral ironically it was Mother's Day weekend. After funeral wrote egg donor Do Not Ever contact me again if your sick, dying or dead (tell my siblings) don't want to know or care. My Dad was married to my step mom for 42 yrs, had 2 amazing kids who I ❤️dearly. I grew very close & loved my Step Mom she was amazing women. She passed 2 yrs later. For both their services the Entire town came, even the bars all closed. Heard So many stories of how they'd helped SO many. Told egg donor all of this what an amazing man, husband & father & what a Great women Dad & Stepmom were. He was a far far better, honest & kind man he was & was far to good for her. He deserved better & found it. With that letter I lost all my full blood siblings to but never felt close. Brother said he'd not chose between she & I then realized it was MY choice to make, so it's goodbye. Egg donor despised my Dad because she thought he was the one who reported her to welfare authorities for double dipping. It was actually his Mother. Egg donor eliminated my grandparents who ❤️'d me & I them. She is a vicious, deceitful,vile woman. Ironically she claims & tells everyone what a good christian she is. While to this day she has never told my younger sister my Dad is not her father. My Dad knew said nothing & paid the child support on her, Christian my ass. So I stay as far away as possible from Anyone in organized religion. Once I had rid myself of that toxic bunch from my life, it began filling with the most authentic, amazing, kind, loving people I've Ever known. It's like being reborn into a new life & it's wonderful!!!
It’s all about boundaries. Set boundaries as if your life depends upon it.
Boundaries do not work with narcissists. For narcissists, boundaries are made to be broken.
Because it does.
and when the person crosses those repeatedly, then you know what you've got.
@@sarahspencer1010 true and then they up the power struggle making your life more miserable. No contact if possible is best!
Some are boundaries they bowl over, and then you leave for the last time.
Thank you, I’m an introvert and my family think I’m weird, I love being alone after being with a lot of people. I’ve been this way all my life.
Same, girl.
I come from a large family where my syblings exerted control over my life as a child/ pre teen
I never knew different till I disagreed
Now 40 years later they still treat me as i dont matter….
Im beginning to hate everything
Me too, love all of You, you do not have to stay a victim forever, grow out of it, god bless everybody
@joannelauer1372
Choosing to be alone is not equivalent to being a victim. There is no "growing out" of being an introvert. There is nothing wrong with it.
You probably aren't actually an 'introvert' ... You're emotionally spent.
Think back to your earliest childhood memories and really analyze your personality then ... Would you describe your younger self as 'introverted'?
Chances are you were a curious and SOCIAL person who has been put through an extended period of stress... that, alone, would wear out anyone; except, you were never given any heads-up, infact, you've been told that you've NEVER even witnessed the experience of life that you clearly remember... and THAT means your entire life has been a very long and extreme level of nearly continuous stress and abuse (whether verbal, mental, emotional, physical, or all)... and IT IS EXHAUSTING!!!
I've been told that this feeling eventually passes, I can't verify whether it's true...
Both my parents and my ex husband too. It is a miracle I am alive and sane . I am 47 now . Happy and healthy. Thank you Dr for all your help 4 years now that I am watching your programs and appearances. The world needs more awareness. This in my opinion is a spiritual problem. I hope that spiritual leaders of all denominations can work with you in the near future. I love you ❤️👍keep improving this world! 🙏❤️
Spiritual warfare 💯!!
@@sandrathomas2893 yes, but how. I’m dealing with this now in my husband. How can I spiritually beat this and stay spiritually safe?
@@Inspirationfromthe_heart , Plead the blood of Jesus and rebuke all foul spirits, especially the Jezebel spirit! Men can have it too. It’s a witchcraft spirit, which means controlling and/or manipulating someone else. Witchcraft isn’t always spells and hocus pocus stuff, but it can also be that as well.
Also, put on the full armor of God(Ephesians 6:10-18). Pray, pray, pray and most importantly, have a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. ❤ Hope this helps!
same, my x was my mother. Thank God I got away.
@@Inspirationfromthe_heart Be not unevenly yoked.
You can't "beat" the Jezebel spirit. It's a murderous spirit that wants to kill you.
Coming into agreement with this spirit allows the Ahab spirit to attach to you.
She just described my dad and mom. Don't have needs, you're a burden, it's how you look that counts, what you think is happening isn't really happening.
Both mine too..smh
In today society look play a huge role
Yes, you describe the behaviors well. Don't have needs, you don't matter, cater to others needs.
1:07:05 I didn't know there was a name for the child I was- the truth teller. I was the 8 year old child watching my narc parent throw a tantrum like a toddler and thinking "there's no way this is normal."
@@Cassie-pt7mt yes, they always blamed us for being "bad" when in reality we just saw right through them and they hated it. I'm sorry you went through that.
Same
ME TOO! 🙌💖
God live truth tellers!
Oops love
The "tea-maker part" really hit home... it was a metaphor that would perfectly describe how a relationship with a person with narcissistic personality really is.
She is so good. This actually touches my heart. She's spot on, and what a caring person.
Disagree. Dr R hates narcissists.
But the thing is, every narcissist had a bad childhood. There are 0 or nearly 0 narcissists who had good childhoods. They were generally never loved and abused.
In other words, it’s not the fault of the narcissist they are that way. Furthermore, any of us would be that way had we been born in their shoes.
Dr R hates people (narcissists) even though they all had terrible childhoods and are the result of that trauma. Dr R needs to preach the empathy she pretends to have. 🇺🇸
Everyone is a narcissist to some degree. If u live in a huge house, no debt, life is great, and your talking at the store with a ragged looking poor person, it’s actually not narcissistic to look down on them, it’s called being a normal person who is just lucky in life and doesn’t understand what is like to dress poor or live in a shack. Would u label the Kardashians as narcissistic? I wouldn’t, they are just so wealthy they look down on normal people, but that is normal human behavior.
@@katinabotten Kardashians are plastic narcissists for sure 🇺🇸
@@JT0007 they are normal people who just happen to be good looking and millionaires but they are not narcissistic, feeling beautiful and being wealthy doesn’t make a person narcissistic, they just feel good in their skin, and that is normal.
"We are all broken"
I was growing up in the hands of 2 narcissistic abusive parents and all my childhood I was dreaming to escape from that hell. I am 57 years old now. I still have difficulty accept appreciation, still feeling guilty about my needs and so much more. I escaped, and very fortunate to turn my life around, however , living with old scars. Thank you for this!
Resonates with me, alright. Keep getting healed from it.
Wow. So sorry. I’m curious how you navigated not attracting a narcissistic personality as a spouse (if you married)? Tackling this topic on my page and app I’m launching. Would love your feedback. ❤
Oh boy do I hear you!
I feel your pain that is a life I wouldn't wish on anyone. It is hard to feel like you matter when you are told you aren't good enough or a problem. To this day it is hard to do something for me, something as simple as buying a purse would trigger guilt. We are worthy of love and acceptance and it hurts like hell when your own parents dismiss you so easily making every thing about them. We were children that had grow up fast learning how to navigate adult situation that we should have never had to do. This stays with you for a lifetime!
You hit the nail on the head! This guy that I was in a relationship with took his ex and kids on a scuba vacation knowing that my mom was coming to the end of her life (which is the craziest thing that I’ve ever heard of, to take your ex). When he got back and came to the hospital, when I didn’t jump up and say how happy that he was back, he was hurt. Trying to make me feel bad for him. He didn’t even show any sympathy for my feelings or show any caring for my mom. Thank God I didn’t have a low self esteem and was able to see his self serving madness! I’m an empath and always think that I can love someone enough to make their pain go away. Thank goodness I was in the Army and could get away from this person. It was so bad that I volunteered to go to Afghanistan.
oh god that gave me chills........I just dealt with someone like that for the past 2 years. I'm not crazy. I had experiences like this too....ugh
Sometimes people have no chance to leave. None. At all.
Not in the Army, but I'd just about volunteer to go to Afghanistan some days too. 😂😅
I am so happy that we are finally talking out loud about these things. I just wish we could talk to the Narcissist and tell them how much they are hurting the people they are supposed to love.
The sad thing is that the narcissist wouldn't care.
Yes but sadly they wouldn’t/don’t care…much less take responsibility for their behavior since it’s always someone else’s fault/issue.
Not that they wouldn't care, they have a completely different interpretation of reality so your version of reality and there's don't match and they can find ways to justify themselves and blame u in their insanity. It's nuts and there is no reasoning or rationalising with them
@@carito3515I'd be interested in looking at NPD brain scans compared to Neurotypical
I'm finally done 😢 After years and years 22 years or more until I said stop already, so monkey see monkey do 🎉
I’m crying! When Dr. Ramani said “they’re not allowed to have a reality outside of the parent”. It really hit home that is exactly how I feel about my mother I was ticking off the list with Mel😢
Yeah. A narcissistic parent sees the child as an accessory, an extension, a tool, but never as a person.
I cried several times while watching this. Was nearly 50 and cut my mother off. She's dead to me. Anyone that says "don't say that" can suck it. Spent my entire life with the crap she drilled into me, and am surprised I'm not dead. You don't teach children to be people pleasers, and tools.
Yes, and this is how *most* of us live our childhoods when one or more of our parents are a narcissist.
You have people out here who understand what you went through because we lived through some version of it, too.
It's probably not exactly the same...but so many elements will be, and most especially how it made us feel.
Forget the past, block it out. Being up here is actually opening the doors to your pain. Get a hobby that u will love, and do that, don’t focus on people that don’t matter in life, even if it means being alone.
@@jenniferkipp4974 actually plenty of people do that is a part of socialization. it is just a matter of the scale. Anyone who says don't say that has no reference point of a narc parent . I have always found it helpful to think of it as buttons that when pushed you are programmed to respond in a certain way, So when you recognize that you can avoid those buttons - and program new ones . That is the best you are ever going to be able to do - we cannot change our past - but we don;t have to continue reliving it - over and over again
my Mother is a narcissist, I only realised a few years ago. I can't even describe the damage that has been done. I will never forget, but I will never be like that to my children
The most helpful and freeing thing my analyst said about narcissists is something everyone dealing with a narcissist should hear. I was feeling guilty for leaving my 30 year narcissistic ex-husband and I was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that in the end, a narcissist doesn't love you and he didn't love me. She said, "People who lack empathy don't discriminate." It was very liberating!
I just left my husband of 19 years as well. I finally realise I am not the crazy one and accept that he’s never going to change.
How’s your healing journey going?
Sending you lots of love 💕
Wow I needed to hear this. I am in a divorce now with my husband of almost 11 1/2 years.. and I’ve had the hardest time and this really is very eye opening for me.
@ashlie W I'm with you girl I've been with my husband for going on 11 years. married for almost 10 and I'm just starting to figure all this out. My husbands personality is exactly a NPD traits so perfectly. I find it really sad that they say they don't realize they're that bad. One counselor said that you can tell them and they won't see it. They're masters at the blame game and manipulation.
You mean people who LACK EMPATHY DISCRIMINATE
@@HeatherBurnsDeSalvo I don't buy that they don't know what they're doing. If that were true, they would not have two faces. One for the public, and another for you when you are alone.
I have a brother who is narcissistic but I didn't know it, I tried to get along with him but finally I got away from him because it's impossible. Thank you very much, because I felt guilty and now I don't.
Amen. I have a sister that is too. The guilt use to consume me. Especially because I would be told not to upset my mother. That not talking to my sister was causing my mom grief. But no more. 3 yrs and I haven't spoken to my sister. I pray for her but I have no relationship with her. No guilt either.
Same here！I was always wondering why no matter how nice I am to my sister, she always react and say means things to me. I just realize yesterday that she is a narcissist. Now it makes so much sense! I thought I was going crazy. Thank you!!!!
I feel you big time. In the same boat as you. I spent majority of my life trying to be accepted, loved + seen by my bro but he never cared. A few years ago my bro told me to go kill myself as I was looking sad that day. 2 weeks later he developed pneumonia + almost died. When he came home I brought him org lemon water w/ org honey + his gf had to coach him to say thank you + he begrudgingly said it. When he was back to normal my mom brought to his attention what he has said weeks before to me. She told him he needs to apologize. He's 48 years old. I'm 43. He came to my door, knocked + proceeded to give me a half ass disingenuous apology. I did not accept. As he walked away he said "that's the problem w/ this world, everyone's so god damn sensitive" ..
I was in a relationship with a narcissistic person, and he was an Alcoholic. It was the worst relationship I had ever been in. I thank God for the strength to let go and let God have his way. I have peace of mind, and I am in the healing process now.
I feel this so hard
Currently living this
@@shannonhall4703 me too
@@Michelle-nh1co
Sending positive vibes
Sounds a lot like the last 9 months I've spent with my now newly ex. I pray for the same strength and courage to stand my ground and stay away.
I resonate with the part where they take over the conversation. Never letting anyone else talk. The narcissist I removed from my life did that all the time. It was beyond irritating.
YESSS
It is so boring too, having to listen to them rave on and on about how great their life is! They are never interested in hearing about what is happening for anyone else.
@@universaltruth2025 i had a relative like this but she would insert herself into my conversations with her tales of woe from 60+ years ago with the emotional intensity revved up as if it just happened yesterday .she of course did no wrong ever and everyone else was the s.o.b., this happened when i was just a kid and my friends and i would try to escape but she'd be relentless following us and EVERYONE had heard these same monologues 100000000000x! Even the youngest kids in her proximity! It was like my friends belonged to her if they come over.
@@universaltruth2025 I have a friend just like this !
top 5 trait. and if out in public they ACT
This blew my mind. This is exactly what I needed to hear after dealing with a narcissist this last year. I am an IHSS worker in California and give respite care to families with autistic children. Additionally- I have Crohn’s disease. Recently I had to take two weeks to be in the hospital to rest and recover. I have been with this family EVERY SINGLE DAY for 8 months. And I need two weeks to get medication and heal. HOW DARE I!?! The mother I was working for came at me emotionally unregulated, threatened me, tried to show up at my hospital room to yell at me more… claimed I stole her drugs 🤦🏻♀️ and told me I deserved every physical pain I was feeling.
Naturally-I was having a hard time processing it all. I did EVERYTHING for this mom and her son. I went above and beyond. But the second I was no use to her- she burned all bridges. She made a comment once that EVERYONE is replaceable and I didn’t take it to heart. But everyone is replaceable in her world- because they are hired by her to be her team. She can always find someone to fill those shoes. She uses her son as an accessory to get favorable attention… But she can’t be bothered with his daily growth.
Thank you so much for this podcast. You can’t change the weather in Chicago ❤️❤️❤️
take care - I believe if it is looked for you will find a lot of autoimmune diseases in and around narcissist's - as a device you learn how to swallow your defenses - and I think it does something to your physical health - just my hypothesis but makes a lot of sense from my experiences
Sorry to hear I’ve been reading diseases and connection to the body I see you struggled to work w a narcissist and we know it’s always one way w them , if our needs as a human being isn’t met because of this it will take a toll on our health, such as Crohn’s disease . I read this from this retired physician name Gabor Mate hope you have time to read and hope you get good healing . ❤️
@Allison, I think we worked for the same family IHSS in SF???
Total nightmare lady- I quit after she threw a tantrum. I also am careful not to take such jobs anymore, because I am finding my worth and healing, and we cannot heal from past or current abuse while working for an active abuser.
❤❤❤ we should be friends
I’m so sorry!!
You have been so kind and giving!
Take your disease as a loud message from your body - to put yourself and your health first and start setting boundaries..
I'm sorry to hear this. As a mother of an autistic child and a person who used respite for years, a good respite worker is absolutely irreplaceable. Our workers saved our lives. They were the only support we had and we will be forever thankful. I am still friends with every worker I ever had. I'm from Iowa which I'm sure is a different culture than CA, but you don't deserve the disrespect this person put you through.
You will never be good enough and you’ll never pay the debt they say you owe them.
Don’t even try.
This is what I had to listen to every time I provoke her by defending myself.
Even after they do you wrong
Yep exactly this,but to them they are never wrong. We should pity them really @SippenSomeTea
🥺
Thing is about somebody with narcissistic personality disorder is that they can never be happy. There's always going to be that one thing that isn't right and they will make both themselves and everyone else miserable because of it. So in that way, yes they are doing harm to themselves even if they don't realize it.
absolutely right - just think about Trump - no matter what the circumstances he is miserable - always -never mind all the disinformation - have you ever seen him enjoy anything unless it is at someones expense? he is incapable - a man that age - healthy - should be enjoying grandkids - etc - have you ever seen / heard of him with them ? he is probably not encouraged to be around them - I am not tearing him apart - just using as an obvious example - it is a miserable soul crushing existence to be them or someone close around them - empathy is the best antidote
I did come to the same realization that my narc husband was desperately unhappy, and was self medicating with lies, alcohol and spending.
‘I am sorry for whatever you think I did to you”……is what I got…
My mother is Narcissistic. Because this has been my idea of love I wound up repeating the cycle with Narcissistic men trying to please them like my mother. Now that I'm aware, I'm determined to break the cycle!
Am i the only one who doesn't want this video to end? I can listen to their discussion the whole day with coffee. Great discussion.
I love these two amazing women. At the top of their game, truly empathetic and genuine, they restore my faith in humanity
I spent 18 years with someone like this and the last full year we've been separated. All I can say is I never realized how drained I was. All. The. Time. I sure wish I knew about narcissism years ago.
Absolutely correct. Authentic people have boundaries and a small network of friends. So true!
I am an authentic person and an empathetic it has gotten to a point where I want to dump all my friends. They are just so selfish I just can't imagine doing some of the things they do. It's all me me me!!
We are blessed to be authentic people! So thankful
Exactly!
@@angelascarborough6505that,"it's all about me" thing really gets to me! One of my friends was whining (in a text message) about her car getting totaled in a hail storm. I told her my daughter had 2 totaled autos, her house roof was damaged and her house siding. Plus her fridge died the same week. She did not respond to that. That was about 3 weeks ago
Dating narcissists? How about marrying narcissists? Back in the 1970s, no one recognized narcissism. I filed for divorce, and it took me decades to heal. There are hidden areas deep within my psyche that can still burst out when triggered. I have decided to stay single from now on.
The two narcs together were my mom and step dad, the only time I ever hugged him was when he told me they were getting a divorce. I was the truth teller and scapegoat, and my mom absolutely smeared me from infancy with my whole family. No contact has been the most beautiful, life affirming decision I've ever made
Self - love ‼️
Mel and Dr. Ramani - I am deeply grateful for the education. I am the scapegoat adult child of a narcissistic mother. My only sibling, a sister, the golden child, is much more of a narcissist than our mother. I seek education so that I heal.
I (scapegoat)have also discovered recently that my only sister (golden child) seems to be as narcissistic as my mother... Through the years I carried the wish that we will become friends after my mothers passing...
@@christineoosthuizen4388 Thank you for sharing. Did your wish for reconciliation come true or did you endure more emotional pain from your sister?
@@ktaylor7901 Yes, I hoped that my mother's influence on my sister will go away if she passes one day, but during this Christmas weekend I realized it will not happen... It is painful to have a normal conversation with her as she has this unpleasant arrogant attitude... She has her own very strong narcissistic personality now... Kind wishes to you!
@@christineoosthuizen4388 Sadly, I experienced the same, continued narcissistic behavior from my sister after our mom passed. I’m sincerely sorry for you that your attempt at reconciliation was met by continued arrogance. Kind regards to you.
@@ktaylor7901 I will keep you in mind... When things are difficult... We are not alone... Warm regards!
My healing started and completed when I became a mom and realized(finally!) it was not normal, it was not love, and it was not me…
lol
Abuse that a narcissist causes to you can't be shown to the world. Many people might not even realise that the pain they are suffering is because they have to deal with a narcissist.
24:45
3 critical things every child needs:
1. Secure Attachment: At least one primary care giver that is consistently available and the child is able to trust. This happens very early (1-3 years old).
2. Self Soothing & Disappointment: Children need to learn how to soothe themselves and be disappointed. They need to be present and learn that not every outcome is going to be the way they want it to be.
3. Empathy: You have to foster empathy and compassion into a child. This can be done through stories and books, but more importantly, it has to be modeled in the home, classroom and world.
Having one loving empathetic parent does not always help. My husband, father of my daughters, was an abuser, a narcissist, yet I, the understanding, loving parent, is the one being mistreated and disrespected.
I suppose they feel I did not do enough to protect them and must pay for his abuse. He was looked after until his recent death. At 79 years I am completely alone.
@carmendominguezalfaya7578 I'd assume it's more so that he gaslighted them.
SHE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE!!! She FINALLY helped me understand and navigate through all the tactics, manipulation dealing with a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. It is a miserable interactive relationship. She helped me realize l'm not crazy. She is helping me heal via her RUclips channel. Thank you.
Yes, she has helped me too.
My mother was too ,, it was the most pain I’ve experienced in my life ,, nothing I ever did was good enough,,
Me too! Dr. Ramani is the one that finally could make me see some sense in my life, in my relationship with my mother and in the person I became. I am so grateful.
I know you don't know me but omg 😳 please believe me I say when I say this I agree and understand and been through what you have I have mother who is like this too. It's her way or the high. The danger of this a lot of them like our mothers really think nothing is wrong with them.
Same here
I had a narcissistic boss. He destroyed my mental health. I finally quit and needed treatment with medication, therapy and mindfulness for 2+ years to recover…. Still have flashbacks to the horror
Omg I'm so sorry. It's real for sure. I understand.
I had to hug my inner child and cry...thank you!
My mom did apologize just before her dementia set in. Interesting
I was a truth teller scapegoat for my mother. I just grew up eating by myself in my bedroom or at a friends house or outside until I turned 18 and could move out. My mother’s drug addiction got worse and worse, especially after she lost me. As an adult, I have felt guilt for her and not doing more to support her, but then I come back to reality and tell myself I did the best I could for me, and that is ALL that matters. I literally grew up in an emotional prison. I did the absolute best I could. Then the guilt goes away. Blessings to you all that have survived and got through the struggle. You never could have been any stronger. You did the absolute best that you could.
Oh my. I resonate with this. The survivor mentality, the guilt because the person you left behind continued to fail themselves and fall apart. They are responsible for their life, not yours. Remember who you had to be to get out in the first place. Life after prison is hard to adapt to, right? Sending love x
Wow, WOW, WOW!!!!! I just learned what I have been living my whole life! This is an amazing "light bulb" moment. I have lived with a narcissistic mother AND stepmother Ffor 61 years and now I know I am not crazy or a horrible daughter.....thank you so much for enlightening me and I am so excited that this is changing my life the more I hear! Thank you so much for this show!
i suddenly woke up about 6 months ago and realised i had put up with this childsihness for 50+ years and i just ended it , . my dad could only put up with her for 8 years before they spilt and ive had to listen to it for 50 years , im ok when she is partnered up but when she is on her own i get (used to get ) both barrells as soon as i walked in . good luck
@@NOT_SURE.. I put up with mine for decades (after finally getting away from home at 14), for the sake of my children. Now my children are grown, I have grands, and she's taking out her childishness on THEM (and me, of course, always). The stories I could tell, lol, just insane. I'm done. She's buried. The end. No, I wouldn't attend her funeral, no I wouldn't plan it, no, I don't give a rat's behind about what she will leave to her current "roommate".
No, you've just been carefully manipulated by professional grifters. You don't suddenly "awaken to abuse" these people are insane.
Just keep in the back of your mind that a real narcissist is rare. The term is being misused on the Internet.
The complete and utter horror of having a narcissistic mother is mind blowing, and the older she gets the worse she gets. She is a vile viscous controlling excuses for a human being. You have to get out and stay out of this never-ending abuse. They see themselves as the controller of your life and are SICK with jealously of any accomplishments you may make. Even when the worst thing happens to you, they are jealous of any attention you may get. Get AWAY AND STAY AWAY FROM THEM.
Nothing will ever change.........
I am a full time single mom to a wonderful 4 year old boy who has a sociopath for a father. I appreciate this reassurance because I really want to raise my child in a way that is healthy. I chose to keep his father out of our lives. I decided not to repeat this pattern as I also grew up with a very narcissistic mother.
I think if you deny the child contact with his father he might resent you later on in life. A boy needs a relationship with their dad once in a while. It might be terrible to grow up not knowing your father.
@Happy Dog Did you ever educate your child on narcissism and parental alienation as an adult before he rekindled the relationship with his father? Do you feel it would have prevented the alienation if he was knowledgeable?
I’ve spent my life feeling as if something was deeply wrong with me. When I became an adult I finally sought help for myself and was diagnosed with GAD, MDD, and PTSD from childhood. These videos truly help me feel like I’m not crazy and I can finally put words to what I’ve experienced with my “family.” I’ve gone no contact with NM because I can’t continue playing her mind games.
Absolutely. I feel you big time.
The pain I’ve suffered from narcissistic people , mainly my mother , was horrific!,, years in counciling,, diagnosed c-ptsd , depression,, it changed me ,, I’ve isolated myself for years,, but I’ve learned a lot,, thank you Mel ,and Dr Ramani!!❤
My mother and father are both narcissistic and I now suffer from borderline personality disorder and it ruins all of my relationships. I'm 32 and have never been married or had a healthy adult relationship with a romantic partner. I barely realized how damaged I was this year at the age of 32. We need to become aware of the damage these monsters do and take drastic measures to keep spreading awareness and save the next generation from this hell.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. BPD can be cured.
This described the malignant narcissist I divorced.
To exist around him but not an escape from his verbal and physical abuse, neglect , cheating, and abandonments you have to have zero autonomy, boundaries, no self esteem ,self respect, confidence, goals, needs, passions, feelings, or emotions .
You are basically a transactional, conditional , convenient background prop ,pawn , programmed disposable replaceable object existing only to serve him in a one side relationship.
I was raised by someone I guess she would say he had narcissistic personality, but my husband it appears it was a covert, narcissist, cheater and liar. He sadly and unexpectedly passed away in September 2021. When I then learned why we had so many problems. This entire podcast is illuminating.
My kids father is a narcissist. I just left him in December and healing from 16 years of narcissism is so hard. We have 4 kids and it’s so much more of a challenge. 😔
Me too darlin..stay strong💯❤🤘
✨✨✨✨
I completely relate my dear. Just know that YOU’RE an AMAZING MOM, doing a fantastic job in raising your children. Healing indeed takes time, but you’re on the right path 🙏🏽💖
I’m in the same boat. 12 years with my narcissistic husband and left him. We also have 4 kids and it’s been hell dealing with him in this divorce. I’m so sorry
Good for you and God bless you and your children. Been there. Done that.
Early in my marriage in therapy I kept saying “ I’m a piece of furniture & he only thinks about me when he needs to sit down” No one told me at that time about narcissism, but they did warn me this wasn’t viable.
Very interesting. I was a child of a narcissistic mother. In my youth I was a top classical pianist in my country, I went to competitions, performed a lot and my mom would go every where with me, dress me in beautiful dresses, never aloud me to talk to other kids and would act as if I was above everyone. She tried her best to make me like she was, still i came out to be a sensitive and empathetic person. Coaching and uplifting people around me, looking to connect and never stop learning how to be a better person. Yet someone else with that level of success I had might turned out to be a narcissist. I think its written in our soul who we are going to be. Great talk girls. Thanks.
I totally agree!!!!! Ive experienced something similar!
Being successful or really talented doesn't develop narcissism. Having an abusive childhood, possibly abandoned, severely neglected, and or sexually mentally or physically abused results in a person escaping, disconnecting, and they carry that into adulthood. Sounds like your mom encouraged you. Conceited is different than narcissism. Yes narcissists are conceded, but they are so much more than that. Sounds to me as though your mother pushed you to be something maybe she wanted to be but couldn't? But there is a much broader definition of narcissism then just conceit. It is deliberate abuse and manipulation of people exactly to get that attention that they crave.
Incredible congrats. I only played 3 years when I was a child. One thing I had no ability for is. Playing fast and loud or fast and quiet I couldn't really obey the song. But I could play any song by ear. My mom hates my success. Or joy. She hates my existence.
So I write children books. Charlotte orterb
@@marcialussier2467 I had an abusive childhood, neglect, abandonment , manipulation , gaslighting and physical and emotional traumas from which I now heal. My mother unfortunately is a 100% narcissist and the last thing on her mind was to encourage me. I didn’t go in depth in my post I just addressed one aspect of my upbringing that was discussed in this video and i didn’t think of among all the things she did to me throughout my 40 years of life. If a child is clearly not happy doing what her parents want her to do, but they make her do it anyway with a threat of punishment you tell me if this is encouraging? If a child broke her leg and cant walk but her mom is forcing her to practice where she should rather rest and heal, is this also encouraging? I am trauma and nervous system informed person, I would know the difference. I get that my mom had unfulfilled ambitions but I also know her enough to see the narcissistic behaviors she has and how she is with me,my sister and the world and it ain‘t pretty. There is a clear line between encouraging someone and manipulating or controlling. Victims of narcissism have hard time to make sense out of it all but eventually we can see it and thats when we start to heal. Your post indicated that I am confusing her „support“ with her being a narcissist, based on a short post you really can‘t tell someone’s experience with abuser they‘ve lived their whole life with. I have stated clearly: I was a child of a narcissistic mother so there is no doubt and no need to question it.
At a really young age my mother started saying to my sister and I these common phrases that I always thought were normal…
“I brought you into this world and I can take you out”
“Scratch-scratch - you scratch my back and I will scratch yours” (this was said if I asked for something)
“Because I said so”
“After everything I do for you..”
I’m a very agreeable person who is a flexible introvert. Very sociable but LOVE BEING ALONE, grew up with narcissistic mother. Dr Ramani has helped me SO MUCH!!! I LOVE YOU DR R!!!!!!
There are many dysfunctional and abusive families in America.
Lol
@Ken Sturm whats funny
So much resonates in this video. My heart is with all those who have encountered narcissism. I’m still shaken from brief contact with a narcissist a few days ago. Thankfully not a daily part of my life anymore. The worst part is the impact on our kids. I wish things were different every day, that there was some way to be able to put differences aside so we can both be there completely for our kids but I also know there is nothing I can do to change things. The only things I can control are my own actions and responses and be there somehow for our kids. I’m not perfect, I have my own faults/flaws and have made mistakes (this gave him ammunition) but I’ve never cut him off from them as he has cut me off from our youngest. He comes across as charming, intelligent, articulate and presents perfectly. I’m ‘the problem’. In ‘public’ the behaviour is covert and has fooled professionals. It’s hell even 15+ years down the road, heartbreakingly affects the relationship between our kids and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I wish everyone affected by narcissistic connections healing and love. Also that there was some way to cure narcissism. It causes so much trauma and destroys lives.
Don't feel guilty for making mistakes. If you were perfect and made no mistakes, he would make them up.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
What about medication. Could that help them?
I spent one year writing with one daily. We met three times. It's been 1 month since no contact but I'm still thinking about him and have nightmares. I am going to a psychologist right now.
I feel everything you said here. We survivors of this have had to do a ton of work and healing.. I’m sorry you experienced this too. Keep your heart beautiful and life uncommon .
Every day I am blown away with how MANY people are survivors of narcissistic abuse! 🤯😱
The tide is turning.....we are all being educated, thanks to Dr. Ramani and sooooo many others! Thank you Mel! New subscriber here!
Yes, new people are being brought into this everyday. "Why? How?" you ask.
Well, narcissists can't live without people. They cannot.
They NEED to have "yes" people and "you are so great" and "I love you" in their lives. And once some of those people leave, then they have to find NEW people.
Then the cycle repeats itself.
Example: You or I meet the narc, we find out they are a narcissist, they abuse, we leave or the narc dumps us, and so the narcissist needs new people.
After nearly two decades of narcissistic abusive relationships, I've learned that they very much adapt their behaviours. My previous relationship was with the more covert narcissistic personality type. He was extremely good at hiding his distain and rage. Ramani spoke of how they might lash out when they feel slighted, there are many that will externalise this and punish you later for it. These are in my experience, the most dangerous.
All of the narcissistic people in my life have been pampered and given everything and never had to take responsibility, was very spoilt as a child, taking that formed behaviour throughout life.Always wanting their needs met.
And throwing their narcissistic rage when their needs are not being met, and it is always everyone's else's fault.
Right on! It's good that you know something about this while you are young. I am 70, and recently found out the hard way.
Confronting the narcissist, expecting change, is like throwing a cup of water in the ocean and expecting a tsunami.
This !
That is funny and sad at the same time I have thrown many a cup of water
😂
Ugh…the definition of my own mother…I thought I knew it, but now I truly know it. She fits the definition 100 percent. That explains it all.
28 years of marriage I feel so lost my entire life has been a lie. OMG I'm so saddened.
Right there with you! Ugh
It wasn't a lie. Your half was genuine. ❤
Hope you’re feeling better a year later. I’m still in mine. 18 yrs. Now I focus on me.
Married 25 years to one. Idk why I’m still here. But I’m not happy…and haven’t been happy for YEARS!! 😢
@@ninalove1280lets hope you dont waist the next 25years. Cut your losses and move on.
I'm 76, and I'm just now realizing that my Mother was a classic Narcissist. It took me years during my 20's and 30's to find out who I was. I had never been allowed to feel anger, etc., etc. I've been dealing with these relationships all of my life. I wish I had better news, but it's my opinion that we do not outgrow these patterns to any great degree.
Me too. I’m 62. I’m free now with nobody discouraging or demeaning me. LI don’t know how to be! In my mind I see myself as a gray, cracked and burned human silhouette. My hair is gone. The background is black and gray with broken, burned buildings, shriveled trees and stumps. Burned arms and legs stick up out of the ground. The sky is black. But I am upright, unsteady and stumbling, but I walking out of the war zone of the narcissist. Sis is still trying to take me down. She cannot and will not hurt me anymore. No contact keeps me safe and sane from her attacks. Went no contact on 1/18/23! My personal Independence Day. Wow.
probably a rad angry feminist too... that ideology destroys loads of kids and its trying to destroy society.
What patterns are you referring to?
Only when you encounter for yourself, a true narcissist, and the destructive things that they perpetuate, causing pain and Mayham, do you understand how dangerous they are to society. This was a very good podcast to describe the ““ every day, narcissist/sociopath, they both have in common or maybe they are one in the same but they do not :care about other human beings and that’s the point you have to get over when dealing with a narcissist no matter what you do, you cannot change them. You cannot love them to it they will not change and never will they point to themselves and say wow I’m a narcissist “only we call them that. ..narcissist. Good fortune to those who have survived and are living their life a new.
I was the TRUTH TELLER and scapegoated for it. I now have CPTSD and I WILL GET JUSTICE.. ILL BECOME A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER AND BE THE VOICE FOR PEOPLE SUFFERING. EMPOWERMENT IS KEY!
Taking pills too i'm sure. US pure jokes.
Sounds a little grandiose...js
@@NunYaO it's passion and a dedication to make a diffeeence in the world. Js
@@NunYaO and you know what. Get fucked. Stick your grandose comment up your ass
Those behaviors are similar to adhd,
Holy crap! At 23:55 she starts explaining my sister. The golden child. The star of the show.
Same here! I also experienced a narcissisticsister whole life! God knows how much she has damaged me ! I suffered a lot!!!! I wish i could handle it earlier! 😢
I am sitting her bawling and smiling at the same time. This is so fantastic! My ah ha moment of my last 27 years... thank you thank you thank you!!
Thank you for this!! I felt so alone! I'm 52 and have been trying to heal from 2 parents and a daughter who has this personality. Feeling super guilty for cutting them out of my life. Being called crazy and ridiculous. Too sensitive when expressing emotion. When I'm not interrupted.
I know how you feel. I have had that happen to me too 😭
Calling me the crazy, inconsiderate, mean, etc etc when I was kind, understanding, empathic, calm and collected during arguments, flexible, etc. I was a good guy and had good boundaries and they just hated me for it! I was like Jesus to the Jews; I had goodness and love in me and I showed them for their crap! Uuugghh!!
I get where you’re coming from!! 💙💙💙
Great job! The more people learn about narcissistic abuse, the less it will destroy lives.
My narcissist said “ I’m sorry you feel that way” after I told her she would never verbally attack me again. I replied I’m more sorry than you. Read between the lines. I was quite shocked that she would think that phrase would negate what she had done--attack me for no reason at all. She lost a devoted friend . I lost someone who felt superior enough to verbally attack me for no reason other than she felt the need to be vile and condescending to a life long friend. She had no trouble using me when she needed me. And she had no trouble belittling me when she needed to feel superior. I saw a side of her I never wish to witness again.
That phrase is used to gaslight. It actually means “sorry, not sorry “
I use it that way to deal with people I don’t like or who rant and yell at me in my job. I’m not suggesting you are exhausting or annoying- but it sounds like you’ve never heard this phrase used before by a gaslighter. Definitely a gaslighting phrase.
Try it out sometime on someone you don’t like- its fun 😂
They think you are being totally sincere. Its irony. You don’t mean it. You never will.
Thats how it was used against you in that situation.
The more you know….
Omg my supervisor said that to me after I confronted her about the way she was with me!😮
"I'm sorry you feel that way." -- I was just talking with a friend about that line. The speaker (who spews out that line) is trying to make something that is about HIM appear to be about the person they're speaking to. It's a way of deflection, of avoiding the issue while giving the surface appearance of engaging. From the perspective of an outsider who has no idea what's going on it looks like the speaker is the one who is 'trying' and the target (who is actually the aggrieved party) looks like the one who is refusing to 'try' and the one who is the 'problem'. Of course, what's actually going on is pretty much the opposite!
Mine said, everyone’s entitled to their opinion, waisted air for sure
When someone said to me “sorry you make yourself feel that way” I had to say “sorry you behave poorly” and I walked away
I’m past the point of feeling guilty!! I will not agree to manipulation any more. Hallelujah I am ❤️🩹 healing!
Dr. Ramini is absolutely correct. While going through my divorce, the judge ordered psych evals on both my ex-husband and me due to all of the accusations my ex was making.
After a month of testing/interviews, the results were that my physician/surgeon ex-husband was given the diagnosis of vindictive narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. My ex decided that since he didn't seek out the evaluation it was null and void.
There you have it👊🏻. A TRUE NARC AT ITS WORST👿
@@sandrablake2362 what was even more interesting about the evaluation was that the psychologist that did the testing was chosen by his team not mine. There was seemingly a bias going in, but the psychologist couldn't ignore the test results.
It’s the saddest cause they don’t know they f up it’s very scary
No one more arrogant than a surgeon!
Lmao. Of course he did. That’s how they operate. Pun intended. Hope you got clean away!
I learnt from an early age that my narcissistic mother would not provide nurturing towards myself, my brother & sister.
In fact she was often snide, lie, felt entitled, rage at the drop of a hat & disallow autonomy.
I observed her- I didn’t antagonise her.
That was key.
She would call me the psychologist- when I questioned or studied someone’s attitude or behaviour.
Deep down she had shame & insecurity🇦🇺
Did we have the same mom? 😂 sheesh. Did you grow up and work in mental health?
My ex-husband is a text book narcissist. I've got PTSD from the verbal mental and emotional abuse.
It happened to me also but I am healing well. Praise GOD. 🍃🕯🍃
Me, too.
Me too, I have a great therapist that is helping me heal.
Did you have children with him?
@@MrsK976 yes I did. I came into the relationship with one child and had 3 more by him.
The way you described the roles in a family, you just listed out my household. Period. My dad was the boss narcissist. My mom was also somewhat a narcissist. My eldest sister was the golden child, because she was brilliant at school and everyone envied her. My second sister was the helper, because she wanted to please or avoid them. my youngest sister was the scapegoat, because she wasn't like the other two, but more of a troublemaker. And finally, I, was the fixer/brainwashed/golden child #2.
Now here's the plot twist. Long story short, my parents, as listed above, were actually my grandparents, who adopted me from their oldest daughter, the golden child when i was still an infant. She gave me away willingly, allegedly, i assume, because my parents were notorious for wanting a son, and perhaps she was subliminally pressured, or tricked into giving me away. Then when i turned 3, my biological mother died. So fast forward throughout my life, i've been bombarded with stories of how i was conceived at a very late age, how special child i was. And oh how special my "eldest sister" was.
Add to that, all the narcissistic tendencies, like gaslighting, guilting, shaming, and sayings like "we did everything for you, and you do this in return?, or you can't even do this" etc. Not only was I lied to about my lineage, not only did I lose my sense of identity through textbook narcissistic abuse, but through made-up stories and narratives about who i was and where i came from.
Oh, and you can't even imagine the backlash when i revealed to them that i discovered that i was actually my alleged eldest sister's son. Both my alive "sisters" were in on the whole charade, and attacked me accordingly, as any helper/scapegoat flying monkeys as they were, would.
So now i'm on a journey of healing myself from the destruction of my identity, or the fact that they never allowed me to build one in the first place. "A sense of self" is the word. And i hope that word would set me free.
At least help has come our way,we wanna change,we wanna shed off the old and forge ahead,it's so amazing how these two lovelies have brought it,may our hearts heal and settle,may you find your true identity and love yourself 🌹
I hope you succeed in this journey of healing. And even if you are half way there or just starting, I hope you see more beautiful things and experience happy moments through out your journey. Good luck! Fighting!
Don't forget to take care of your physical health no matter how hard it is. Never ignore your physical health because it's important for a heathy mind. Take care. ❤️
As they say, the truth will set you free. It sounds like you have finally found the truth. Many blessings on your new journey.
Amazing story. You should write a book 😉
@@grazynkatodisco4916 agree
Bless you Mel and Doctor Ramani for sharing this enlightening podcast. I wasted over 30 years married to a narcissist who had me believing I was crazy/faulty/worthless/deranged/etc. His abuse was increasing in frequency and severity to the point where I had to seek refuge with friends to preserve my sanity and, indeed my life. Over the years, I tried everything to make my marriage work but, as Doctor Ramani said, "You can't change the weather in New York" so I finally decided to make plans to leave. I had to keep reminding myself to "Disengage to avoid the rage" and that often meant locking myself in my room for hours - only venturing out when my husband had left the house or passed out from excessive drinking. I obtained a protection order but, before it was served, my husband took his own life. It's been a very difficult time but, thanks to Doctor Ramani, I now recognize and have the tools to protect myself from the all-too-prevalent narcissists that have been a part of my life for so long. I've said goodbye to a couple of long-term 'friends' recently (because they can't handle my new-found confidence) and that's OK. I am detoxing my relationships and embarking on a journey to rediscover my True North and I don't intend to take any narcissists along for the ride.
Proud of you!!! I got next!!!
so important to note that narcisist are made because it is a coping survival instinct. so demonizing and discouraging engagement is completely counter productive
So are sociopaths and Avoidants. But I've found that it's best to stay away, at least romantically: And the saddest one of all is the avoidant because they have good hearts and are not bad people, but their partner will still suffer with treatment very similar to being with a narcissist or sociopath. It sucks. And I hate that I know so well what these personality types entail. For a lot of my life I was attracted to either sociopaths or avoidance. I've done in years and years of counseling and finding God to change my attraction to healthy and consistent men. Thankfully I was never attracted to the narcissist.
So true
I lived this 39 years ,I did not know what narcicissim was
Thank you ladies 💕💕💕💕
I find that Narcissists are the ones who accuse other people of being Narcissistic all the time!!
Classic. They’ll accuse you of everything that they’re actually doing
I diagnose my daughter as narc after bumping series of videos about this topic, I'm a victim and exhausted of abuse
Oh my gosh- that’s so true
Yep and accuse others of everything else they they do not everyone else around them do
“Keep politics out of this!” MAGA’s would say if they knew how to think, discuss, understand their feelings like this.
I could never please my Mom, nor could I ever win with her no matter what I said or did or how I tried to deal with her. She was a malignant narcissist and she was always angry with me, always unhappy, always blaming, always controlling etc. She died in September of 2022 and it was the most freeing day of my life without a doubt. I cannot describe what it is like to finally have my own life and be able to live it and it was heartbreaking and painful always but I am so DAMN glad she’s removed from my life.
Fantastic 🎉 DR RAMINI is brilliant- been listening to her for years & healing is beyond belief!
Yeah I get you. I have a much better relationship with my mom now that she's gone. :-)
@@grazynkatodisco4916 good view point. I like to think that the moment they die....they will know!!
I had an abusive Narc Dad. When he died I was released from the grips of his toxic behavior. I also never had a nightmare of him again. One I had had over n over of him wanting to kill me👿! It all ended with his death❤️.
But, I ended up marrying a Narc😱😢. Lasted 42 years until I had to flee to save my life. I’m divorced now and healed and happy n safe🙏🏼
God be with you😘
@@grazynkatodisco4916
Oh no!! They know full well what they are doing 👊🏻. You need to listen to more of DR RAMANI’s videos 👍🏻
Check, check, check.
How it impacts you…you attract other narcissist.
You feel like you are dying being constantly betrayed.
Négociateurs and navigate continuously.
Thanks for you session
A character in one of my books says 'life is a process of learning to deal with disappointments'. Often times it is our families who are the source of those disappointments, at other times it is ourselves. This talk by the doctor was very enjoyable. Thanks.
What a great conversation! I would add that as a point #6: there is no limitation to the extent of harm a narcissist person will inflict. If you get in their way, it's unbelievable the lengths they will go to to destroy you. You'll actually have trouble believing it and accepting it as reality.
This is a powerful acknowledgment and once it hits you… mind blown
Yup, I learned this the hard way when my ex Fiance narc tried to kill me simply for standing up for myself to go take a shower!
You described in details my childhood. I'm taking distance to my mom and divorcing from my husband. The funniest thing is that my mom isn't caring at all for me, she is hanging up with my husband instead. It's mad. But, in spite of this awful depression I'm going through, I'm going to get free. Yes, I am. Thank you lovely woman for what you do for us, abused children, the worse destiny we could get.
Similar situation, my mom has cultivated a relationship with my abuser.
Oh my goodness, my mom has done this too. She has my ex vacation w her. It was a massive betrayal and the pain from that is intense. I've never been picked by my mom though, so why would that start now? I'm glad to be gaining clarity on my who my mom is now.
Believe me, I stayed close to GOD and everything changed for me. He is still the same. I am 76. There is hope in JESUS. 🍃🕯🍃
Yes. Stay away. Life gets better. My narcissist brother has tried getting in touch w me 3 times as an adult and it never works out. Never. I will not tolerate another attempt. I am so happy on my own! You matter ♥
I listened to this episode 4 times. It made me really think. I wish you could address how to handle someone who is a narcissist behind closed doors but to the outside world goes out of her way to act like she is so sweet and Godly. That would really help me.
That’s is covert narcissism. There are hundreds of videos on RUclips about covert narcissism.
@@Gracie.Gardener thanks. I will look it up. It is so hard to deal with
@@sherryfinnimore7681 my mom is one. I understand the confusion. It took me a long time to understand how she could be “loving” to everyone outside of our family but a monster behind closed doors.
@@Gracie.Gardener YES!!! I can relate so much!!
Look up altruistic narcs, they are the religious and do good'ers. The ones that post pics of them giving to the homeless....etc.
Dr. Ramani....Your wisdom has gotten me through the last several years leaving and healing from my narcissist. The teapot analogy and the True North in this video were so enlightening. I have been trying to get to my full authentic self, and each video brings me closer and closer to that. It is so like a super big onion with hundreds of layers that just get me closer and closer to the core of who I truly am. Keep up the amazing and great work. Too many people need to know what you teach so they do not tolerate living with or under the shadow of someone who does not value them or love them as deeply as humans long to love and be loved.
Thank you!!! I’m tired of hearing people say you can’t diagnose people… because I feel we need to talk about narcissism way more to help people avoid decades of abuse.
In my humble opinion, those people are apparently just subconsciously MAD that people are catching on to their lifelong scheme
My heart goes out to people who suffer with this debilitating delima. My plans are now to understand that compassion can sometimes mean disengaging. I feel a certain kind of freedom, but it is sad. I am seeing a kind counselor.