Don’t Argue or Fight With a Narcissist… Do This Instead (#1 Narcissism Expert)
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- Опубликовано: 17 май 2024
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Do you want to know how to deal with difficult people?
What about if that difficult person in your life is a parent, boss, ex, child, or partner?
Today, renowned psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula is here to give you the tricks you need to master to live a more peaceful life.
This episode is your masterclass on how to identify and heal from toxic people.
Dr. Ramani will teach you how to not only deal with people who are disrespectful, passive aggressive, and can’t control their emotions, but also how to heal from the damage that they can cause you.
She will show you how you can stay in your power and purpose no matter who you have to deal with in your life.
You’ll learn how you can keep your goals, priorities, and happiness front and center, no matter what is happening around you.
Dr. Ramani's website: doctor-ramani.com
Follow Dr. Ramani on Instagram: / doctorramani
For more resources, including links to Dr. Ramani’s book, website, and social media platforms, click here for the podcast episode page: www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-174
Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: / themelrobbinspodcast
00:02:48: You know that difficult person in your life; let’s talk about it.
00:04:19: How to set healthy boundaries with the people in your life.
00:05:57: Are narcissists born or are they made?
00:09:04: This conversation on narcissism is unlike anything you have ever heard.
00:11:37: Do not make this one mistake in your relationships.
00:12:55: If you are in a toxic relationship, I want you to hear this.
00:13:40: What narcissist supply is and how to avoid filling it.
00:14:42: Do you feel the need to impress your parents, even as an adult?
00:16:32: Stop trying to change the difficult people in your life.
00:20:04: Why radical acceptance is your first step towards healing.
00:21:17: Your biggest barrier to healing is this (it’s not what you think).
00:25:07: Why do people stay in unhealthy, toxic relationships?
00:26:37: We need to normalize grief in these specific situations.
00:28:28: Is “closure” really the thing that we need when we end a relationship?
00:32:49: Dr. Ramani wants you to avoid this one type of relationship.
00:34:40: The surprising function of rumination.
00:38:07: What it looks like to be a survivor of narcissistic abuse.
00:41:36: Watch out for the patterns in narcissistic relationships.
00:46:50: What the “ick list” is and how it can help you overcome narcissistic abuse.
00:48:49: Anybody can change; a narcissistic person won’t.
00:51:34: What the 12-month cleanse is and why it is essential for healing.
00:56:07: What if you cannot cut the narcissistic person out of your life?
1:02:15: How to identify if you were a scapegoat for your parents.
1:04:35: Are you a truth-teller or a truth-seer?
1:11:55: How to handle co-parenting with a narcissist?
1:20:37: How you can forgive yourself for being in an unhealthy relationship
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My mother was the narc. My DAD WAS NOT. After my mom died I asked my Dad why he didn't just leave her. What he said was so eye-opening. He said "Back then, the mother would always get custody of the children, and I was concerned about leaving you two with her alone. It was better for you both if I stayed." He was right.
I did the same thing for my son to keep him safe vs visitation. Once he could say no to going with his adoptive dad…we got out and divorced him!
How lucky you are to have such a kind and responsible dad.
This is exactly my story. I asked my dad the same thing & he replied the same
Wow ,thats amazing... goals will do that for my sons.
My mother, the Narcissist, divorced my Father. She specifically told me she waited to divorce him after I was 12 years old. Because when I was 12 years old, I would be legally able to tell the Judge who I wanted to live with after the divorce. She knew I'd choose her because she had always been my only caregiver. You see my Father was 14 years older than my mother. I only had my Father in my life from birth to 5 and again at 10 to almost 12 years old. I never had the chance to get to know him. My father suffered from PTSD from WWII and Alcohol was his choice of self-medication. Due to this he almost died from Alcohol poisoning before I was 5 years old and my mother had him legally committed to a mental hospital for 5 years. My mother and I would drive 40 minutes every weekend on Saturdays to visit him. That was the scariest place for me, a 5-year-old. Seeing him there, I thought, why are you here? You appear normal, whereas all the others look crazy. I hated my mother for how she treated him and for never having a kind word to say about him either. My mother is now 91 years old and we have been estranged since October 29, 2019. I just saw her a week ago at our Family Reunion. We laid eyes on each other, but not a single word was spoken between us. My four older brothers were also in attendance and were waiting for a possible blowup between us. I kept my head up and went about visiting with everyone else there as if she was invisible to me. I want her to know that her actions have consequences and that what she experienced that day is the result of her actions toward me. Not only the events of October 29, 2019 but my entire life of abuse I suffered from her own hands.
Some may think I am being harsh. I'm just trying to live my life in a positive mindset with people who contribute positively to my life.
I am surrounded by narcissistic family and I have worked so hard to survive. It’s been taking a toll on my health at this point and it’s a situation that is impossible to get out of. Part of the situation is that I am a caregiver. I am so manipulated. Breadcrumbs and love bombing surround me. Ugh. I am now 73 and it took me this long to realize “it’s not me”!
I am sending you 🫶🏻 because I fully understand! Just know it will get better, keep doing YOU and keep your boundaries strong! I know how hard it is, but I’m on the other side of it after nearly 60 years. Know that it’s NOT YOU! This book is wonderful - I got the audio version and just play it constantly when I need that boost of sanity!
I get it but thanks to Mel Robbin’s and my desire to live life better for ME and my children…. I am walking into my second stage of life : with boundaries for the narcissistic person … I am proud of ME 🎉🎉
Thank you all for your help and support. It’s been quite a journey to stay strong through this.
🙏Caregiving isn't exactly easy without all that. Try to give yourself space when needed. Even if it to go sit on a porch with a lemonade. Lift small weights for health and to keep focus on yourself. You are not alone.
Right there with you! When they want something it’s all love bombing, after they get it, it’s back to the abuse.
“Any person can change. The narcissist won’t change.”
They are how they are by a lifetime of refusal to grow.
A refusal to accept their own errors, responsibility for problems fruits into a refusal to apologize / improve. It propagates a pattern of self-superiority and indignation toward others who don't play their delusion - causing them 'problems' (challenging their inflexible, highly controlled pretend world).
They develop a short fuse toward the uncooperative (those who don't reinforce / cooperate with their narrative). Such people are trials to their patience; someone will be punished for their offenses.
They are always more special than you.
To keep up the growing house of cards they have built, they must operate in delusion they are superior and do not forgive the lowlings they tolerate.
No, no!
Any exposure of their dysfunction, requests for change are added to their growing list of unforgivable behaviors that must be eliminated - manipulated away, projected, gas-lit or punished.
*This is why it will never get better. The longest underlying patterns that built their fragile system are inflexibility and failure to take responsibility - both of which are essential for change *.
I repeated this as she said it! 😮
💥 truth bomb!!
I laughed out loud😂 a great line!
Their common symptom is emptiness in terms of soul, brain, heart, guts. No nothing. Make them happy, they won’t, make them suffer they won’t.
Never give your power away. Set boundaries. You teach people how to treat you. Never be afraid to cut people off in your life even if they are family.
I completely agree, it doesn't seem like that's what this video is saying though. It seems like they just want you to be quiet about it.
A son and daughter I havent seen in over 12 yrs. Their choice. Even grandkids I never met. Its for our own safety, but we still suffer.
In the meantime you can pray for your relationships to be healed . Broken people need the love of God to set them free. Prayer is powerful especially when you leave them at his feet knowing he is the only one who can change them. Peace be with you and praying reconciliation for your family.
Only a narcissist will tell victims of narcissists that all all they have to do to solve everything is stop having feelings and cut people off.
Ramani said.."it's going to hurt "..she didn't say to stop having feelings.."
"Rumination without a solution is depression." TRUTH.
Ruminating on abuses ...... suffering depression and anxiety.....given a negative view of the world
Rumination ->insomnia -> depression -> AHA
What a great quote! Sums it up so clearly!
I relate to the "injustice" part.
🥺😪
When my parents both died years ago, I was put in charge of the estate and my sister turned into a vindictive, manipulative person to get more control over assets. After years of smear campaigns against me and flying monkeys, I finally said that was it! I went no contact about 7 years ago, and my life has never been better. I live within a calm bubble, no drama, no fighting. She sends a flying monkey once in a while and I don’t respond and they just wither away. It’s beautiful. And, it can be done and life can be better again. ❤
Good for you 😊❤
Amen
I hear you I take comfort in reading this I’ve done the same thank- you
Very recognicable happened in our family.😒
Amen!!
Divorced after 40 years of worsening behavior. I look back and felt Ashamed it went on so long. It happens gradually until it is normal for you. I decided I did not want or deserve 20 more years of this. It is never too late to become healthier. Thank you for what you teach Dr. Ramani.
Exactly , you get so used to it you think it’s normal yes yes yes
The Same for me..... decades of abuse and I thought I was the problem. Dr Ramani has opened my eyes and I'm now planning my escape. It's hard to start over at my age but I found that being angry has pushed me to do what I never thought I could. Thank you Dr Ramani and Mel.
Proud of you. Your story and life experiences is helping others do the same as you. It’s never too late-you have the courage and strength. Bravo and blessings to you!🙏🏽♥️💯🫶🏽🎉🎉
Took me 17 years- wish I’d done it sooner too. Life is so much better without dysfunctional people in it.
You are not alone, we all do! We wonder would life could have been like if only we were empathetic to ourselves and self-ish in our favor
1 year. I took 12 years to find myself. No dating at all. Now I say, if God wants a man he will bring him to me. I will be 70 in 2 months. How I survive is bring JOY to others ❤
I am not sure my ex was a N, but I am on my 14th year healing and in my case I dont see anyone coming to my life. I am 55. I have come to embrace my singleness.
I can totally get you. Been single for 13 years not dated anyone in past 13 years. I have the same view if god wants me to meet someone god will make it happen because what is met for me won’t pass me by!!! I’m 47 and sometimes do get depressed due to loneliness but I push myself.
That is beautiful! Blessings to you...
🙏🌍🕊🕊
I am 61 and that's exactly what I've told myself, family and friends. God will have to bring the right man to me.
My thinking is being in or not in a relationship is a decision. I decided to make healing a priority...that took 10 years before I felt like my discernment was back in tact and I was no longer worn out from loving. When I made the decision to allow love in again, I started going out and putting myself in situations where it could happen. Didn't settle for another narcissist. And eventually, love found me. 4 years and engaged now to a beautiful soul. All this to say, I was allowing, not looking. But I did have to be brave and put myself out there. God made me pull in my hand and dip a toe before I was gifted with my ❤. Good luck to you all!
To be clear, there *is* no co-parenting with a narcissist. There is solo parenting while the second parent abuses you aaaand the children. It’s sickening.
So sadly true, I'm still living it. Thanks for sharing
True! Everything is about the narc and for the narc- that’s not parenting in the best interest of the children
💯
Agreed
👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
What gets me is how they set out to destroy you for not allowing them to manipulate and abuse you and standing your 'ground' trying to protect your own healthy boundaries
Indeed, that narcissist tried to run me off the road with his car when I finally said no- most terrifying experience of my life. Believe it or not stayed with him another year. The best revenge was I cut him off and never responded to his messages again. I still get the odd pathetic attempt at communication 20 years later. 😂
Rumination without a solution is depression just changed my whole world
Mind blown
Mine, too!🎉 Explains everything!🎉😮❤
Yes. I've been trying so hard to understand the intrusive thoughts about the narcissistic ex of a 20 year marriage and now his new victim....that he got married to within months of our divorce. I knew that it had to do with the lack of justice, but I couldn't quite figure out that my problem solving personality brain was trying to get the answer to something that does not exist in reality. Thank you, Jesus, for help and healing through this community of online teachers.
I’m guilty of of it
Mine too‼️‼️❤️🩹🙏🏼
Thank you for this podcast. I've been married for 42 years to my husband, who is a Malignant Narcissist. And thanks to Doctor Ramni's educational videos, I now know I was raised by a Narcissist Mother. Our two Adult sons intervened on my behalf about 18 months ago and moved me out of our marital home for my safety. Our two Adult sons are fully supportive of me. Without them and their unwavering support, I would not have the strength to move forward with my life. Our marriage was over decades earlier, it's only a legal issue now. The relationship had reached a very toxic and dangerous level. I feared for my safety and couldn’t sleep in my son's old bedroom without the fear of my husband killing me while I slept. I'm living with my youngest son now, while the Divorce is in process. During the first year, I was living with my oldest son. I had a devastating experience with my oldest son. Realized that his personality was exactly like his father's. So I had to move out 1 week before Christmas 2023. I was homeless and slept in my car with my old dog. The next morning, I had to take my dog back to my marital home, to live with my husband. Because I wasn't allowed to keep my dog where would be living with my youngest son. And I started a new job that same morning. That night sleeping in my car, was one of the lowest points in my life. Reality hit home for me, knowing that I would not have a relationship with my firstborn son, possibly ever again. That hurts more than the loss of my 42 years of marriage to my husband. Mentally I'm in a much better place now. Still healing old deep wounds from my husband and my mother. Cutting my Husband, Mother, and son out of my life wasn't easy, but necessary for me. Please pray for me as I complete this journey. I am determined to finish this Divorce in 2024 and start my life over again at 61 years old and be happy. I know my happiness begins within myself. And with God's guidance maybe I'll find love with a man that isn't a Narcissist.
I'm still married to mine, but I'm grateful I'm not in fear of my life here, I've just come to realize he's not ever going to change, I'm grieving but I will overcome it, I am finally seeing and that is a blessing ❤!!!
You will become much stronger.
you are so strong and courageous - be well
Forgive me for saying, but get yourself healthy first before hoping for a man. ThInk of all your most positive traits and talents and love yourself for them, or you'll just attract another N. My prayers for your well being. Congratulations for the new job, but sorry about your dog.
Divorcing a N can be the most dangerous time, because they hate losing AND BECOME DANGEROUS. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE IN TO HIS DEMANDS TO TALK OR LET HIM COME AROUND YOU IN ANY WAY. Too many women are killed by N's, because we think they've changed. If you need to negotiate the divorce, do so with your lawyer present.❤
Stay strong my dear❤
The Narcissist is a empty vessel. They have to fill themselves with your pain, and they won't stop. Love to all & thx Mel !
My favorite one is when a difficult person blames you for not stopping them from being destructive.
My exact situation.
My daughter, 38 years old, passed away 8 months ago due to cancer. Her narcissistic husband took a toll on her health. Even when she was in pain and suffering, it was all about him. I know because I was taking care of her and was a witness. 😢
Sorry for your loss. I saw this with my mom and dad. Dad did not like mom getting the limelight when she was dying of cancer. She never focused on her because he was the king.
I'm sorry for your loss.
That must have been very hard on you.
That truly is a tough situation, and I feel for you. If you can, try to loose any sense of blame that you may have for him. The only person who that will effect is you. Hold on to the good memories that you shared with your daughter. Sending love.
I'm so sorry for your loss. When my mom was dying of cancer, she had to hide her pain around my dad because it would upset him. I also remember seeing him with his head in his hands at the kitchen table sobbing, while she was still alive mind you. He wasn't crying for what she was going through. He was crying for himself. He was in love with someone 6 months after my mom died.
Quite unrelated...but There's no such thing as a perfect marriage or relationship; they're all unique. What makes one person happy might not make another person happy. But I've learned that there's always a way to solve problems. Five years back, my wife and I were almost divorcing because we had problems in our marriage, but we managed to work things out. It was a hard time, but we got past it.
I understand why what you're saying is important, and I genuinely want to be happy as well. I'm in a relationship, and even though we're apart, I can't think of life without her; my love for her is solid. I really want her back, and I'm committed to making it work. We've tried different things, like therapy, to mend things.
Saying farewell to someone you love dearly is never easy, but in my case, I had the assistance of a spiritual counselor who saved my marriage from falling apart. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
I appreciate this guidance. I'll quickly search for her online. Thank you. I'm optimistic that this approach will also bring me the results I desire; I miss her dearly
You definitely should
This reads like an Advertisement made by AI….
Part of radical acceptance is to go no contact if you have that option- no contact if it’s an option is also crucial to self healing
Yep
It's amazing and healing
Part of the truth is, you come to the realization so much was STOLEN from you, things wouldn't have changed even if you had known how to deal with it, & you'll never get justice. You're left with all this resentment inside, yet you still have to/need to build & live your own good life without falling back into your defensiveness, anger, grief, & hopelessness. That's A LOT to deal with, & the reason we will always need help.
I agree.
After years of continuing contact with my mother, last year I realised a heap of truths and how I just can't heal wounds that keep getting torn bigger and having dirt rubbed in them...
I went no contact.
At first it hurt and was hard. I kept wanting to tell her. Lots of anger rose up. I struggled so much...
But with time, it eased and I started feeling more good stuff and less bad stuff. I still have fleeting moments of pain, sadness, anger, resentment, etc, but they are less intense and more manageable.
Agree. Exactly 1 year NC with my BPD mother. Every time I have doubts , I remind myself not to open that door again . She won’t change & I have to keep moving forward & be mindful of how far I’ve come .
Now, I’m in the process of going NC with my narcissistic in laws . “ You have to see it for what it is .” So true. I’m done making excuses for these people. I’m very aware now of how a person makes me feel when I’m around them. It’s very empowering to just simply listen to your body . When my father in-law walks into the room , the entire vibration changes. The air gets sucked out of the room and it’s instantly awkward & uncomfortable. NC sends the message like nothing else can.
👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
My dad was on the lower end of the spectrum and mom was on the high end. I was the oldest daughter golden child as a kid. The parents fought constantly and I had to pull them apart and protect the younger kids. I came out as gay as an adult and immediately became the scapegoat. My mom was super enmeshed and didn’t want a gay daughter. As an adult I was a combination of many roles. I was scapegoat, truth teller, peacemaker and rescuer. Parents divorced when ai was 34, finally and narc mom pulled all the kids on her side and I was the only one who became close to dad and he apologized to me for everything, including not protecting me. Dad was terminally ill and I moved out of state to care for him and we got really tight. The overt narc sister and covert narc brother didn’t even come to his funeral. Now my siblings have nothing to do with me. I am now going NC with mom and all the siblings. I just have my stepmom and myself. My stepmom is the mom I always wanted but never had.
Your step mom sounds wonderful. ❤
Ladies, when you put your head down to sleep, I hope you get that “warm all over” feeling knowing you have brought so many others, so much peace and knowledge. On behalf of me and all the others, thank you.😊
I’m 30 minutes in and it sums up everything, I mean everything I feel and experienced after an 18 year marriage ended. Literally crying. I’m not a crier
I hope you feel better now. Sometimes we need a good cry. All the best.
I am so sorry you feel this way! And I really wish your situation change; but meanwhile, I would advise you what's helped me a lot- two exercises to complete. Really puts things in order.
1) the name of that exercise is 60/40.
That means you have to write the things that you do daily, just list your actions, during the day, or in the evening. And every action you shall evaluate: was that something for YOU or for other people
Your goal is to come to a result that you have 60 percent of the actions for you in a day.
I know you have loads to do and probably struggle with energy lack, so I want to assure you, no matter what is the duration of your actions. That can be whatever you like really. 10 minutes with a cup of coffee over a short lecture; a calm half an hour walk in the woods just nearby; listening to a favourite song; a short visit to a friendly neighbour for a chat- just Anything, but that shall be something you do for YOU amongst many things you do as a caregiver; I want to assure you this DOES make a HUGE change, my dear friend!
2) 8 spheres.
This exercise is supposed to encourage one to give their life an evaluation. It is needed to specify, what does one generally have in their life?
An example of spheres list
Health
Original family relationships
Personal relationships ( if there's any)
Friends
Work and finances
Hobbies
Personal development
Spiritual life
But off course everyone's list may be different.
What is crucial in our life is that when we get into unhealthy relationships we may defocus from all the other spheres of our life but relationships, and obviously the "building" of our life falls down in that case. What we're supposed to do to recover is to rebuild the walls that have fallen apart.
So, what is helping, is to re-evaluate all these spheres weekly, giving them marks from 1 to 10;
In that case you may see where to put more energy into and fell finally alright EVEN if you can't change your situation at the moment. I can't change mine now but it is a different world I'm living in now thanks to these exercises.❤
@@user-lx3bo6jg4b I love this! yes thank you so much! I have been doing many things you’ve listed. It’s amazing once one truly tries to simplify life, how one just gets joy in just hearing the birds in the morning or a conversation in line at the store with a stranger. My spiritual life has been essential. I have been much more active in faith. I try to exercise daily. I am living cheaply which has allowed me to save money. I engage with only close friends. I’ve dated a little, but kept at a distance and not given my heart. My kids are my primary focus. Without the clutter of tension and constant criticism while at home in my previous life, have gotten closer to my kids. I try to see them most days of the week. Because she has a very active social life, there is zero problems thankfully. She needs me to watch them. It has been a process but feels like coming out of a tunnel and the light has been shining much more. This is the best upload I have seen regarding ending a relationship with a narcissist. I’ve sent this to all my friends (both men and women) who are in the same situation.
Have a blessed day! Thank you!
Now that your eyes are opened, take time to heal. Really accept the part about Hunters seeking trophies, but lions are seeking a relationship. Meditate on our different needs, and accept it without blaming anyone...May you feel God's grace. Grace...for you and for the entire human race.
The 'ah-hah' moment is very powerful - emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. It is very heavy to face, but also freeing. Take time to heal, to pray, to forgive and to get healthier so you can move forward in better patterns instead of familiar ones.
A thirty-year marriage to a cruel narcissist nearly broke me, but Dr. Ramani has saved my sanity. Thank you, Dr. Ramani! ❤
Yep and still hard to get a decent therapist who knows a little bit about the subject
Actually YOU saved your sanity by choosing to take steps that worked.
Try having a narcissist Mom, previous, for 18 years. Im amazed I survived. Its only by the grace of God.
I love Dr. Ramani.
I’m right there with you!❤️🩹🙏🏼🌸‼️
As a survivor of childhood trauma from a toxic, narcissistic mother this woman has changed my life! Today marks 8 months since I went no contact and finally started the healing process at 46 years old! Thank you Dr.Ramani!
🙏🙏🙏💜💜💜
I am happy for you ❤
I am 60 and live with my narcissistic mother who was abandoned by her abusive husband (my father). I am the lost child and the unmarried middle daughter. Need I say more? I am here writing this with a smile on my face and thanking god for all the clarity that this podcast gave me. Life is good ❣️
My narcissistic sister was even too much for the lawyer mediating the estate my parents left. I haven’t spoken to her for over 12 years. My life is so calm now‼️
Sorry for your loss. She does not deserve your love. I hope she’s enjoying the riches she has because karma is a thing. You are speaking my language.
Happy to be away from my sister, her husband and their children. It was horrible. As was my childhood
I deeply wish that I could have what you have.💔😢
As an adult child of parental narcissistic abuse, I'm trying to learn how to decondition myself from being hyper-attuned to everyone around me, people pleasing, obligatory selflessness, etc. I've been no contact for a few years now, but I'm finding that the programming is still there and it is really difficult to shake because it's second nature. I have gotten way better at setting and maintaining boundaries, but in times of stress and conflict, I find that I revert back to the same fawning responses. I can see myself doing it, and I'm horrified that it's still my reflex, but I can't stop it beforehand. It still feels so excruciatingly uncomfortable to demand to be seen, heard, respected, and appreciated. Choosing myself still feels like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. This deprogramming is taking much longer than I had anticipated.
I totally understand! Go with your gut feeling and don't settle for anything less than you truly deserve 🎉❤
Stick to your beliefs and don't settle for anything less
I have a parallel experience because, even though I'm not a people-pleaser, I am reactive to bullying and I'm trying to find a way not to get my buttons pushed. I can see myself doing it and it exasperates me but I can't stop.
Wow you totally just described what I too am going through....sigh
i resonate with you so much, iam just like that. Itis so hard and overwhelming sometimes realising that the programming is still there.and like you said i also try to maitain boundaries but at hardtimes i go back to the same responces and feelings. However, you and everyone who commented are not alone and not theonly one feeling this way. we have to never stop trying and hoping and believing that sometime we are going to make it and leave all these behind and get to a point of feeling peace, calm, non-reactive to anyone, believe firmly in ourselves and not getting down for other people's feelings and needs.
This interview is GOLD for people struggling to get out of a narcissistic relationship, or to stay out of a narcissistic relationship they ended. GRIEF. Yes!
Your comment is so on point!!!
I absolutely agreed. - l find out this video unexpectedly. I never understand about narcissistic relationships- l become mental well being breakdown. Until come to the end - l lost my job - my relationship breakdown- l moved a long way to different country but now everything that I wish I can establish my life and career here all gone... l cried every night ask the same question every night what I did wrong - l put up with hope that he will changed until now, l am a person who have to walk out from this relationship- The red flag for me that I overlooked in my beginning of the relationship is - in first 3 months I caught him watched porn videos more than 2 times. I asked him kindly - but the answer that I received from him is - he upset and react to me saying - l didn't do anything wrong then he point to me and blamed on me that - l accuse him cheating -- while I say nothing , I never yell - never shout I ask him with soft and calmly. But he turn to me and makes me a fault person. But, l overlooked that I forgive him and blaming myself it's my fault. And it's become to me that I am fault I created a problem and he never say apologize or sorry. Thank you for this video 🙏🏽
Absolutely agree!
I did a 2 year cleanse inadvertently knowing I needed a break and it worked!!
Them being continually rewarded by their disgusting behavior and the continued reality and injustice that your life was invalidated and wasted by this perpetrator is a fertile ground for intense grief with no end in sight
💯
She is spot on. Especially about why people stay in the relationship. You know it’s not healthy but there are no other options.
"A constant recalibration" is a perfect way to describe what it feels like to navigate the behavior of a narcissistic family member. My Mother didn't want to be bothered to come to see me graduate when I got my Masters degree, but was devastated when she was unable to attand her grandson's (her favorite) graduation from welding school. I am in my sixties and her behavior constantly still stings me (but only slightly now). I figured out she will never change and that she constantly tries to manipulates me. I find her behavior amusing and so predictable now and she no longer has the power to hurt me because I am aware that she is a narcissist who will never change. I thank Dr. Ramani for that because I have been following her since my fifties and have learned all of the tricks.
Oh my goodness! Sounds so like my mom! Good for you for figuring it out. 💕
And you are not alone , feels good when you realise
The loss of hope after years of hoping and trying to make the relationship work is the heartbreak. Giving up hope is one of the hardest things. Especially after years.
It takes time , in time you’ll see it’s worth it
You're giving up a comforting delusion. The delusion kept you going through the worst and it causes grief for you to let it go. Allow yourself to grieve.
I'm not saying this judgementally because I went through the same thing and that's how I learned about the comforting delusion.
It's not a case of giving up hope it's a matter of realizing they will not change,get out.
It’s realising your life is worth something. I thought I’d never make it. I did 13 years with him. All my wonderful memories (I thought I had) - gone . It took 3 years to even get to the start of living again. Another 13 years later, I love my life. I’m open to a relationship but I’m a lot older now and I won’t put up with any bad treatment, so I’m on my own. But I accept it. I can also look back on my marriage and have claimed my memories back( I just think of what I dd, the places I went to(he was never with me at the time, only the shell of him).
Oh Wow...that fills in alot of blanks. I learned in my 50's that I couldn't fix the problems...but realizing they're not my problems was the light bulb moment.
I had a so called “friend” that was a narcissist. She put me down constantly, found fault with anything I enjoyed, and rallied people against me. I went no contact and felt like I could breathe again
This is literally my life story. Sigh.
I have had couple of "friendships" like this, and eventually walked away. I set myself a standard now where I check how I feel after spending time with a person. If I come away feeling crushed or bad about myself, I choose not to spend time in future with them.
I had a "friend" like that too. It took me two years to work through the effects of her. Now I realize I kept repeating the pattern until I was able to heal and love myself.
@@Eekyellie I wish someone taught me to do this 10 years ago.
I am 70 years old. It is just in the last 5 years that I have recognized and been able to label narcissism as a significant force in my life. My father is a malignant narcissist. My sister is a classic grandiose narcissist. My ex husband (who I was married to for 35 years) is a covert narcissist. This is without a doubt the most helpful, thorough and impactful podcast I have ever watched on how to DEAL with narcissism once you have identified it. Thank you Mel and Dr Ramani…I can’t even imagine the number of people this will help! Thank you❤
A narcissist won't change because they don't think they are doing anything wrong and blame others around them. They can change but in order to change you have to see what the wrong is you are doing and change. 😊
Lol been there done that.. they acted Ike they were so grateful I told them… it’s just another way to gain supply for them to have you constantly be telling someone something you think they can’t see… pointing out all their bad behavior while they act like they had no clue…… and will continue to repeat it in a cycle….. you will lose yourself doing that. They know what they are doing. I know that’s not easy to face. They still got you with the “hope they can change” part
It's the injustice that gets me.
I completely agree. No consequences!
It made me realise why i was underconfident, feel worthless, my opinion didnot matter etc. etc., thanks for doing this
You also grieve that family or relationship you wish you had. The one you try to reconcile your heart with. That was very healing for me.
I’m stuck in this right now I can’t help but feel that it isn’t fair that I don’t have the family :(
This interview is saving lives.
Saving lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For those who CAN leave. I’m an adult child of a narcissistic mother & father who is the codependent. I became physically disabled at 20. Therefore wasn’t able to get married. So- I literally would be homeless without them; unless I find some old, disgusting man that I don’t want to touch to marry, because- while I’m still good looking & actually younger looking than I am; I know that I can’t physically keep up w someone my age. People say $ doesn’t buy you happiness- but it literally buys you freedom & options. If I had $ - I could & would walk away in a second. 😢
It is a life saving interview indeed;thanks a lot .
Dr Ramani’s affirmation of survivors is gold. 400 lb backpack uphill. 💪🏻 The race is a gift. Thank you, Dr Ramani.🎁
This is my entire lived experience and my two older kids are modeling their dad’s narcissism and they’re blaming me. They’ve chosen him. Healing for more than a year. Have to let them go. With all due respect, I’ve received no help from therapists who didn’t point out the very obvious characteristics I shared, never led me to a book or even an article. It’s all been through social media that I found people like you guided my healing
How old are your kids? I decided to stay for the kids (we separated and he hugely alienated them…so I allowed him back-with boundaries). One on one the kids are okay but when we’re all together I’m the scapegoat and it’s painful. I also have a stepdaughter that I raised that has aligned herself with his agenda. Do you see signs your kids miss you?
Totally had a narcissist ex who has also rubbed off on our eldest narcissist son . They have bonded together on the poor me train and my son has been using me while badmouthing me to his dad after years of me helping him out . I have decided to break away from his manipulation
I’m a survivor… Any and everyone who is around me w/a toxic and controlling personality is rebuked immediately. The 1st 🚩 flag to me indicates they’re a narcissist. They tell on themselves by their character and what they say. I’m a good person and will not tolerate their manipulating BS. They are exhausting and annoying and it interrupts my peace. 😊💕. Thank you Dr. Ramani
What if - just as a supposition - rebuking them leads them to rage?
What if - just as a supposition - that rebuking the narcissist leads them to rage?
"Anybody can change, the narcissist won't." Powerful statement. That struck me! Also the talk about the injustice of it and the impact that has on the survivor. Thank you for this episode. It was so helpful. Loved the 60 cups of tea story too! I really enjoy listening to your podcast Mel! Thank you!
Running away from my family home and from my narcissistic father (I didn't know about it yet).
After a few years, I met my husband who turned out to be a demon 100 times worse - a legion of demons from which I was trying to escape by leaving my family home. Today I am learning to protect our daughter, proving to my family and friends that I am not an elephant.
I have the impression that we live in the era of narcissists, I don't know if it's a side effect of being with them, but I see them absolutely everywhere🙈...
You're right, they're everywhere 🎉
Boundaries , therapy, NC, stand up for yourself, make friends with empaths, thrive on your dreams, confront them head-on, cut people who add no value out of your life, forget about having expectations of
A meal out
A holiday
A heart to heart talk
A new something you'd like to buy
No birthday/anniversary celebrations.
Don't EVER expect them to apologize.
Don't argue with a fool.
Create a life apart from them even though it's in the same house.
You are seeing them everywhere because they are everywhere
@@beverleyuntiedt1777I see them everywhere too and I started to wonder if it was me lol. I dunno what is going on.
"Rumination, without solutions, is depression" That explains everything!!
I was part of a classic narcissistic family system. Was married into a similar system and thankful that it ended in a divorce rather quick.
The impact led me into consistent narcissistic relationships, be it friends, workplaces even a therapist.
It was only till i built financial freedom and moved out and worked intensively on healing myself that life started getting better. I still struggle with boundaries. And everything Dr Ramani says helped me realise that its not me.
I am still working on healing myself, and my biggest strength is my resilience...
Interesting how we attract them , or is it they seek us out ?
@@angelathornbury3750I believe they seek us out
"We teach people how to treat us" by what we put up with, what we allow,them to get away with
Yes, stop thinking that they will change, it takes so much energy and puts living your life on hold. They do not want to change.
The last 3 minutes of this video truly made me cry. Dr. Ramani sharing her insight based on personal experience touched me deeply.She truly is extraordinary.
It’s been almost 3 years and I’m still not ready to let another man into my life. I never imagined that another human being could love you just to later break you. And then try to turn anyone that will listen against you…saying she broke my heart. Nobody will ever be able to comprehend what we went through if you haven’t been involved with a narcissist. Plain evil.
I am in the exact same position. I hope that you will be ready one day.😊
This is a great Video. This brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 5 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
I am sorry about what you have been through. I have been through something similar and was almost depressed, till I contacted a spiritual counsellor who helped me get my ex back and hence my life back
Interesting. Who is this counsellor, and how do I meet the person?
Online, you'll find shelly renee white, revered for her expertise as a spiritual counsellor. She has the ability to reunite couples and promote holistic well-being.
Thanks a lot. I just did. Impressive.
Take time for personal growth. Your life will be so much better.
What's really disturbing is that even previously "good" friends and other "safe" people are changing and becoming rude, selfish, defensive, aggressive, inconsiderate, manipulative, etc. A large percentage of the world is becoming highly narcissistic. No doubt social media and constant obsession with self focus is largely what's fueling this. Glad I was born well before all that started.
Agree . I’m 45 my hubby 46. We often say to each other what we wouldn’t give to back to the 90s .
That’s why I just stay home and NEVER speak on the phone.
I think focusing on yourself is good but manipulating and hurting others isn’t
I think even I am turning nasty! 🤢
Everyone is traumatized and stressed out
Dr. Ramini is so spot on about everything. You lose yourself. It takes time to find yourself again. Discernment takes time!
Every single nail just got hammered on the head for me! Loss of hope… no justice… dealing with the grief ugh ugh
I don’t want to accept things can’t change!!!! But I know I have to. It’s time because it’s only hurting me.🥴
When you stop hoping and really see things as they are it is a game changer. Start to notice the patterns and the length of time things have been going on, then you will see that change won’t happen. This is the first step to you becoming free. We don’t have the power to fix three people.
By the way, I just wanted to mention that as a retired teacher of 34 years, the technique you mentioned of “dismantling the hope” works well on parents who have an awful child who is under performing and getting into all kinds of trouble. Usually, the parent is just not ready to accept that their child “is what he is,” even in middle or Jr. High School, and that he/she needs help (we still try to hold onto hope for children, but the parents may not yet see how terrible the child is and how much he/she needs accommodations or therapy). Letting the parents (usually, it’s the mom) see it all written down and letting them come and witness the behavior as a visitor in the school (when the child is not aware that they’re there) is one way to get the parents to start to see the child for who he is and to “radically accept” the situation so that we can move forward with steps to accommodate the child and possibly get him into therapy as I said. But it takes a long time--you have to build trust with a parent. Over a year or so, the parent begins to trust what you’re saying and what you’re showing them so this idea of moving them slowly into radical acceptance by showing them the data, or “a list” works in the classroom as well when you’re working with parents who are completely delusional about their child or still have hope that their child will turn out wonderfully and doesn’t need any help at all.
It’s a long process to build that trust, gather data in such a way that parents see it and accept it. A lot of what Dr. R preaches applies to (narcissistic) middle school learners. It’s tricky to get the parents to see reality.
Just listened to this on my walk and couldn't stop listening until it was over - this BLEW MY MIND! I am in the process of divorcing after 27 years of marriage. My "soon to be" ex-husband was extremely narcissistic throughout our marriage, and also has terrible addiction issues. So much of the information in this episode resonated with my situation. My children and I have been healing together and luckily, for me, they have not sided with the narcissist. We are closer than ever and have become a tight unit, lifting each other up, helping each other when needed and are trudging through the process hand-in-hand. As soon as the episode was over, I forwarded it to my kids. Parts of this episode brought tears to my eyes, thinking about the effect his behavior had on all of us, but most of all on my children. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this information...this episode has truly had a profound impact on me.
I was born under my father. Its been a long climb out. I now see light after 65 yrs and him 10 yrs gone. What a blessing. 🎉
Everything I felt is summed up here- I’m 70, 20 yrs married… my 3rd marriage; I’ve been groomed, slowly, gradually for the last 20 years; finally woke up - everything said here! I recognized, went through grief, & depression, now I’m here …. self care, trying to find my little place of happiness wow!
Wow, 5 days ago, after 65 years, I finally understood that I am a lifelong sutvivor of covert narcissist personality style abuse by an older sibling. A lifetime of devaluing, gaslighting, and smear campaigns. This video has completely let me radically accept and give up on all hope that this relationship is ever going to change. Thank you so much for making this inspiring video. 💗
Dump the hope for change! Dump the doubt that there's any way you were wrong or not enough! The feeling that if you show them you can do better.. Dump that too! Just work on being your absolute best! ❤ Good luck! For me too!! I need it! 🙏
I realised some years ago that I am attracted more to narcissistic people than those who are kinder and respectful to me. It helped me change my outlook. This is a great podcast and everyone must listen to it.
The hope.
It’s becoming clearer now.
Every person deserves a Sane Life on the planet.🙏
SELF-RESPECT is CORE HAPPINESS STABILITY. Saying, conveying the word
NO, NO, NO. Final answer. Safety is FIRST. ❤😊
Yep !! No is so empowering 😊
2 years of no contact…. What a roller coaster ride. Prince Charming of love bombing turned into a monster. 12 years of constant drama.
Finally moving forward, apartment being painted and getting furniture for MY taste. I just kept trying and hoping the guy I met and fell in love with world reappear . The aging narcissist is a nightmare! Dr Ramani has been a life saver!
Yes, I agree with you!
So glad you got out! When did you realize that the guy you fell in love with never really existed?
It was constant ups and downs, total reality set in after about 9 years of living together. He couldn’t keep the masquerade up. When I wouldn’t buy him a BMW, he called me lazy and selfish. I saved his life after his bankruptcy. He left the apartment one day yelling at me, passed out on the street and was taken to the hospital. I wouldn’t let him back and that is when a therapist first used the term “narcissist “ and told me he would never improve.
This is so true. The moment you stopped hoping & faced the reality & accepted the fact that the narcissistic people in your life will never change, then that's the only time you can start healing. I followed Dr. Ramani's advice of no contact with the narcissists & it transformed my life into peace, fulfilment & happiness. Life is so beautiful without the narcissists. I just wished narcissism & its dynamics was thoroughly taught in highschool & college and made it a curriculum in schools to help millions of people avoid heartaches, disappointment, misery & trauma inflicted by narcissists.
I understand that no-contact with narcissists is not always an option to some or most people but I was so fortunate that I'm in a position that I can easily & happily exist without the narcissists who are the worst kind of low-quality individuals.
I was accused of making my kids my priority over my narc ex. I am glad I did. I have a great relationship with my kids
Both my parents were narcissists. I had many narcissistic relationships, but I was never "love bombed" instead they show me the slightest bit of interest and then straight to devaluing and instead of walking away I would fight harder to be better, prettier, thinner. I became bulimic trying to be lovable- to earn any scraps of love that I got.
Bless you. I realise that I don’t know you personally, but you are worth oh so much better than that.
💜💜🙏🙏
My son is a narcissist, and I feel responsible that I somehow created it, but I used to tell my kids how sorry I was for not being as good as a parent as I should have been, but I did my best for what I knew and I’ve seen my son. Take my sadness and guilt and turn it around on me and he calls me when he’s drunk and says the most horrible things I’ve ever heard a person say to another person the things he says to me there are almost embarrassing because they’re so cruel. He even tried to get me to fight him. He’s in his 40s and his almost ruined my life, but I’m learning how to deal with it and not accept it
Radical Acceptance and no hope is life changing! It finally makes sense! I’m going to be free from this snare that’s been plaguing me all my life! I’m so grateful for this whole video!! Thank you!
I’ve been listening to this doctor on and off for three years and this is one of the very best I’ve ever heard and it made so much sense and it put me mentally on a road to recovery just in listening to this podcast. I’ve been working on this for a while now, but, there was something about this particular information that is life-changing! I came from a very intense, narcissistic, father and a mother who did not protect me, and I have abandonment issues due to that. My last almost 4 years has been a huge battle, and I’ve had to learn a lot about my late husband, who I now understand was a covert narcissist. I wish I could go on a retreat and learn more and listen and retain and have the information solidified even more within my soul. Thank you so much for this interview! God bless you both!
I agree this was an excellent episode with Mel and Dr R! It’s a long rode to awareness isn’t it ❤
Why are my comments not showing up here?
@@dnorby100
It sure is!
Radical Acceptance saved my life!
I learned about Radical Acceptance a year & half ago!
This podcast was so informative and helpful! Thank you!!
A million times thank you for putting a stop to the ruminating!!! I’m 66 and just got it. Thank you Mel for having Dr. Rom on!
Living with a narcissistic husband is like being chained, in an isolation centre, for 38 years was difficult to understand that l was living with a mentally sick person, now divorced with this person for 13 years, hasn't completely recovered from that traumatic experience, though l feel a wonderful relief being out of chains of Isolation, l feel human, getting myself back my freedom, happiness, confidence, self esteem back great. This information and knowledge is the most powerful weapon for the narcissistic. Thanks a million times for this program it's so beneficial.
30 years with a narcissist husband! All the marriage counseling we did no one picked it up. Although mostly I went. One day the straw that broke my back came. And quess what I got to LIVE…
Dr. Ramani, you are a light. Thank you for illuminating the darkness of narcissistic abuse in all its permutations, and filling that space with the light of self-awareness, and grit. 🙏❤
It's important to realize "its not you" Nurture yourself, don't forget you're important too. Love yourself.
I recognize the people with these tendencies in my life. For a long time I thought something was wrong with ME. I did everything I could to “work” on my faults, people please, focus on their wants and needs - no more. Healthy boundaries, very limited contact and I protect my own peace first.
Love this. I was raised by a mother who was a narcissist who committed suicide in 2019. I now live with my dad who I now live with. I see some signs but he's not as bad. Educating yourself and the RESPONSE is key. I thank you Mel for this great podcast! Dr. Ramani is brilliant! ❤❤❤
Aww you now live with your dad who you now live with 😢 seems luke you're lying for attention like you have nothing better to do with your life 🤷🏾♀️ being this desperate & pathetic is embarrassing & I'm not fucking scared of none of you. Now bring it
As a retired therapist I think the "tea strategy " was brilliant! You tangibly demonstrated her situation.
Oh my Literal God, I have been watching the video and said to myself "but what if it's family?" And immediately you ask the Dr. That same question!! When you have a miniscule family and kids are involved, cousins....this is impossible to navigate. Thank You
Yes, realizing and understanding that the other person will not change their behavior is liberating bc then you can start to move forward :))
It’s about being able to be human and recognising all this behaviour that is soul destroying … nobody needs validating scientific studies anymore … we need people like this psychotherapist dr. That is sharing her experiences and again human insight
Thank you
Is this how we become ‘people pleasers’?
Probably! And that's a hard pattern to break, since we attract narcissistic ppl like a magnet!😮
When we dont know our true identity and get our worth from other people, instead of Gods truth - yes.
That is a long list Dr. Ramani. My children and I are struggling to move forward after my husband's abuse and neglect. I hope he will choose to change, but I see clearly that he may not ever. I am worried about mediation on Thursday. My children know who their dad is and that he will probably never change. I feel really bad that my children didn't get the dad they deserved. My children and I are all in therapy. All our children have severe anxiety and depression. They see that they may go through the rest of their life without a dad. We are all in grief and pain. We are all working on healings and moving on. Grandchildren won't have a grandfather. It is so sad and it hurt so bad. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. We all need to push forward with courage that we survived.
The last 5 mins of the video is what really I needed the most to hear from Dr. Ramani today. Thank you, you are a legend and you have no idea how many lives you are changing. ❤
I'm thinking that Dr Ramani does have an idea because of the many thousands of positive comments she receives on her videos! I do realise that it's meant as a compliment though. 😊
I keep wondering, are there narcissists who are so unaware of their own behavior, they can read a book like “It’s Not You” and believe that it’s not them who are treating others badly? My 24 year old daughter seems completely unaware of anything being her fault, despite burning through all her relationships, only hanging on to the most passive co-dependent people in her life. She had a very traumatic early childhood in foster care, and I’ve done everything I can to support her and address her attachment needs, but now she’s turned on me, blaming me for everything wrong in her life. I now feel that I need to protect myself against her attacks. It’s the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced, as I still love her so much, still hoping she’ll get the help she needs. This video makes me think I need to give up hope for change, and maybe I need to for my own sense of peace.
I am experiencing the same and have had to let go.
I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing- it’s brutal
My relationship with my daughter is not what I want it to be, but I will NOT allow her to accuse me of physically abusing her when it did not happen! I couldn't believe it the first time she said it in front of me. She said she knows she'll never get an apology from me and that I gaslight her by saying she was not abused. What makes this worse is that she knows my mother beat me, so for her to say I abused her is like being traumatized all over again. She makes up lots of things that didn't happen. Everyone in our family knows she is lying because the things she says are ridiculous. No one says anything to her. It's just a mess. This situation, I'm afraid, will always be a barrier between us. I'm not apologizing for something I didn't do to pacify her.
Oh yesssss... there's a new breed of narcs. The spiritual/pretentious self aware narcs who lure u and manipulate u with their knowledge but its just a tool they use
@TLC717 I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. From what I've read about your post, it does seem as if your daughter is correct, and that, technically, this is gaslighting. I hope your daughter is okay and she gets all the love, help, validation, and support that she needs, and I hope things work out well for you, too.
Dr. Ramini……YOU, your spirit, your humor , your compassion, your own experiences - you allow us to recalibrate to our beautiful TRUE selves shining light - that is Always- ALL WAYS there for us!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻❤️❤️❤️💯💯💯🧠🫀🕊️🌼✨⭐️💫
Much love to you & yours Dr. Ramani ANNND of course Mel as well!!!
❤
I have listened to this session 3x and fell asleep 3x because it entered into a deep subconscious state. It’s very real and substantial and very relative.
I understand all too well what is being discussed here. I agree with her recommendation to stay single for a significant amount of time. She said it is to learn who you are again bc we lose ourselves within the relationship with a narcissist. I agree but also felt it was good to experience life in peace so that if a toxic person enters my life I can immediately recognize it.
1:12:39 “Don’t proselytize your kids” 🥺it’s hard not to call it out because you want to protect your kids. You want to teach them to start setting boundaries before they start falling into that role of scapegoat or invisible role. “They do not walk away from a narcissistic parent, unscathed”. I believe that it is my job to build my child up after being put down and criticized so much by the narcissist parent.
I am now panning over the past for where I went wrong doing it this way. Child rearing requires simplicity in pointing out good and bad behavior with personal expectations of them to be challenged to practice those behaviors. They don't take the world in as an adult does. Warning is children of narc parent require extra appropriate challenges and expectations and understanding boundaries from both sides. Don't rely on their young innocence to mold them. It shocked everyone my precious compassionate intelligent little boy flipped narc toward adulthood. Such a strain on the heart.
I am so so so sorry for your kids that you prefer "protecting" rather than listening to this brilliant woman.
Sooooo hard when ur kids are in it! I’ve both a parent and an ex who’s a narcissist! My kids 💔 I’m trying so hard to get through this sometimes feels almost impossible
@@cbrashsorensen don't be that way...
Thank you, for this conversation because many of us are survivors of narcissistic abuse and it is much more difficult and dangerous then people realize.
I'm an empath/spiritual person(I read people, and energy automatically) "sent" in the middle of narcissistic colleagues, work environment.
Being healed(even before my actual job) helped me a lot to spot them, taking my power back, firm my caracter as I'm a person with strong personality, charismatic leader(exactly the prefered one for them to destroy)
I just set boundaries, and ignore them, I'm quiet, do not let them know NOTHING, I say NOTHINNNNG about your life, be very brief with them(otherwise they use it against you). I do not give them any emotion when they are provoking me or looking for attention and energy sucking (aka supply).
📣Narcissics are the vampires of Human Beings📣, they are SICK and #CRAZY, remorseless, extremely mean, hypocrites, liars, manipulators and #soulless if I can say like that.
*1st step of healing is Acceptance, learn the lessons and cut them off #TOTALLY of your existence. Unless your to stay abused the rest of your life.
*They will #NEVER, #EVER change☝🏽 !!!
33 yrs married to a narcissist. Developed fast moving terminal C that took his life 9 weeks post Dx. Dying didn’t interfere his❤️bombing to all 23 extramaritals current and past. When lying downstairs “in state” as we do in our culture one of his girlies called his ph. I picked up, she demanded to speak with him bc they had been together for 36 years🧐. I said he’s dead, get another project. That was 4 years ago. I’m physically free but the rumination affects my mental fitness on the daily meaning my self care game is dynamic - as in its moving target !! I have Dr Ramanis new book. Now I need to read it. Great content today with actionable advice and some absolute pearls of wisdom and AHA moments. The residual toxic patterns still stink up every aspect of my life and affect the relationships with my daughters, grandchildren, wider family members and his parents who lived him unconditionally even though they knew what he was doing. Guess it was my fault - never 👍
So we the other or the one called, no matter it is tough
She is so right:
Birthdays without them
Holidays with drama
Loss of self
Lack of touch
Lack of bonding
Giving everything and getting taken apart.
"Discernment". Building yourself back up. Finding your authenticity again.
2018 I found her and I can tell you the healing after understanding all this takes years. The history of our lives and relationships don’t go away. It happened, it was, it’s part of our being. That’s why it doesn’t leave and at times we bring up memories etc.
I keep reminding myself that NO ONE can MAKE ME FEEL anything...; It's my responsibility to examine why I react to situations that trigger negative responses and emotions in me.
I try very hard not to see myself as a victim.
Sounds good but you missing the whole thing
@@1fancychik4God =)
👉❤When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!🔥💪♥ He is coming to avenge!
👉Innocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.🥰 Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!🙌♥🥳
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! 🙌❤😊
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! 🥹❤You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviour🙌❤He loves you like crazy! He sees you, ♥
😍
Great, except when you're actually being victimized by these selfish ppl, you need to get away from them in order to heal
One of the most enlightening things that I’ve heard recently is, ‘what you think of me is none of my business’ - think about it, it’s a real game changer!
Dr. R you are the most humble, compassionate, loving, intelligent woman to ever come across my screen!
When you were talking about you being in narcissistic r/ships and the darkness of the night I get it 🙏 You are right because you have walked this walk, you can certainly talk about it! Most importantly you did something about it educating people with your EXPERT knowledge on this subject.
God Bless you, you are an angel 😇 for letting me and millions of people know It’s Not You! ❤️🫶🙅♀️🙌
You are very much on point with your comment. I feel the same.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have read a lot about narcissism and people with NPD in the last 10 years. Your interview with Dr. Romany is the best, most informative, helpful and extremely relatable - I’ve ever had the pleasure to listen to. What a gift!
I grew up with a narcissist mother, who just passed away. I married a horrible narcissist and stay married to him for 22 years. Our divorce took eight years and I isolated myself and ruminated about getting justice. I took care of my mother in her final years, still hoping for that love. It never came, but I 1:17:46 confused and angry path, I’m trying to work through. I have experienced everything you discussed. I want my brothers to listen to your podcast, because no one seems to understand why these relationships have changed me. When I I try to explain my actions and reactions, I’m told I’m making excuses. I could go on and on - but I won’t! 😂 I’ve downloaded the podcast and I am buying several of Dr. Romany’s books. Your fantastic podcasts have helped me so much!
I’m grateful to you!!!
Her name is spelled Ramani.
I went through every last single thing that you are saying here, that narcissists put a significant other through. It is astonishing to me that the pattern of narcissistic behavior is so incredibly similar for so many. Learning about narcissists has been so healing for me! A giant Thank You to you, Dr. Ramani for all you do to bring about understanding and healing for so many of us!!! And yes, I definitely feel the sense of injustice and feeling isolated and stuck!!!
It’s been said that victims try to remember only the good times. Strangely, I can’t remember anything that was ever really goodwith my narc. Instead I recalla lot of emptiness, lies and confusion. Much silence. He never seemed to need me by any means still I felt somehow I HAD to stay. Until one day the bond was so weak and simply fell off. No drama, just sadness and refief.
But I must have lost something essential because I have been alone for two decades now. Not really alone, but without a partner. And never again that lonely as I was when married to that narcissist.