How ADHD Destroys Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 6 июл 2024
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Do you struggle in relationships because you have ADHD or have a partner with ADHD? In this video, we're going to share the honest truth about ADHD and relationships. We'll talk about how adhd destroys relationships, the challenges you face and the solutions you can find.
If you're looking to build healthy and lasting relationships, then you need to watch this video! We'll explain how ADHD affects relationships and provide tips on how to cope and thrive in a relationship with ADHD. We want you to know that you're not alone and that you can find success in your relationships!
Chapters:
00:00 - Understanding ADHD's Impact on Relationships
00:25 - The Challenges of ADHD in Relationships
02:47 - Practical Advice for Thriving with ADHD in Relationships
04:09 Setting Expectations and Involving Your Partner
05:22 - Mastering Communication Skills for a Healthier Relationship
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#ADHD #ADHDAdvice #RelationshipCoach #RelationshipAdvice
👋🏻Howdy! Hope you enjoyed the vid! Lemme know if you've had struggles in an ADHD relationship! 👇🏻
🚨Wanna join my free Relationship Bootcamp? be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE012&
- Chris
I've got adhd and bipolar, and emotional dysregulation. I've ended up in abusive or dysfunctional relationships from the age of 23 to now at 47. It sucks balls.
@@thecunningslug It can be super tough to get caught in those toxic relationships, I've been there for sure.
I've found that learning the skills to break the cycles and grow myself has helped me massively with all of my relationships. It feels like I finally have control of my destiny again. Keep learning and growing and things will improve, I promise you!
My wife is already the center of my world. I didnt know she had ADHD, but i plan to make her my world for LIFE.
Your wife is fortunate to have someone who is so supportive!
Good guy.
I have an ADHD and high functional autistic partner and we've dated for more than a year now. Back then, i have no knowledge of ADHD or autistic behavior. after watching this video, i kinda see what was happening in my relationship. the 'being their parent' and not fulfilling promises woke me up instantly. i was emotionally drained ngl, get to the point where i have trust issues towards him. As for now, me and him are being neutral, he tries to give his best effort to try communicate better with me while i'm still educating myself. I just hope things goes well for both of us. Thank you!
The emotions side of things has a huge impact on communication too. In fact emotions has a massive impact on ADHD symptoms in general too.
There's a lot you can do to make the relationship work, definitely keep looking and using the tools you're learning for sure!!
I can relate. I have an ADD spouse and an Autistic-HF son…imagine what my day is like feeling like I have to parent both…I’m emotionally exhausted! 😞
@Paracutie I can relate. My late husband was bipolar and I have an autistic son. Hang in there. Just remember you can't "take care" of your husband" I often told my late husband, I am not your mother. I felt like I had 4 kids instead of 3. I was drained.
Run
I completely identify with every word of your post. I don't know what to do anymore. Educating myself doesn't stop the feeling of being ignored and the hurt when he "only speaks the truth" and catastrophizes every situation. My head says RUN but the heart says STAY
Recently the problem with my adhd is that I know I have things to do but, before I do that thing I need to do something else first. And before I do that thing first, it turns out that I need to do something before that as well.
I find it hard to prioritize someone I'm in a relationship with and be actually productive. Attention is the most valuable resource for ppl with adhd. At times it may seem like you're getting the cold shoulder, but in those moments, if you take notice of the fact that during those times "parenting" wasn't needed. It's a give and take.
Of course, relationships are partnerships, and our focus has to be on how *we* show up in it.
Our ADHD brains can be very ""all or nothing" when it comes to relationships and we can go from 100% attention to the other person and then swing back to 100% focused on ourselves. It's important to prioritize the time with partners but also schedule out the things that are also important in our lives. It's a balancing act for sure, but it can be done successfully.
My fiance has Adhd and to be honest, it's really exhausting sometimes. I feel so alone in the relationship, and he is the center of everything. But I love him and I accept it that it's how it is. This kind of video helps a lot for me to see the reason to commit my vow with him.
It can be exhausting for sure, and there are ways to make things easier along the way too. Good partnerships create good systems that work for you both!
So maybe leave him instead making your life difficult
@@katrbudz892 Life is difficult, if you left everything you loved because it was difficult then you would never be able to have anything great. Good relationships are difficult BECAUSE they take time and work and communication and understanding. There will always be difficulties in any relationship and it's up to you whether you can handle the difficulties of someone with ADHD.
That being said you should always strive for safety and stand up for your right to be heard in your relationship, if he doesn't ever listen, drop him.
@@katrbudz892as someone with ADHD it might be good for him too. It would give them both relief.
Man that "under-promise, over-deliver" thing is so real. I am always making promises that I definitely plan on keeping in the moment and with good intent but always struggle to follow through with and I feel like my promises don't mean anything to those around me anymore. I need to practice under-promising and over delivering.
My wife and step daughter, who is 14, have adhd. It's a real struggle sometimes because I feel like I have to parent them both at the same time, along with our 2 year old. It DOES feel like i'm raising 2 14 year olds that just feed off of each others symptoms. I love them so much. Thanks for making this video.
Thanks for watching and leaving the comment! I was thinking of doing a video for partners of ADHDers or for couples advice in general, would that be of interest to you?
Get them treated ..
Hey. As someone with ADHD, thank you for trying to understand them and loving them anyway.
@@--__--. You should treat yourself ,Adhd is not a disease ,it s a blessing u looser ,things I can do with just 0.5 of my focus u only dream doing it in a liftime .Ofc every blessing comes with ups and downs ,but I prefer my downs over being "normal" and act like a child, same they act in the governments and many institutions ,running after coins from morning to evening amongst others
I was diagnosed a few years ago. I’m 52. Looking back now I can see what caused people to ghost me, and how so many things I do are connected to ADHD. When I tell people I have ADHD. Some say “doesn’t everyone have ADHD?” So it seems like an excuse. I stop telling people I have it. And just deal with my quirky self and make others laugh which then makes me happy. That’s how I find my conspire if I’m desperate for it:
Thank you for sharing. 😊
The "everyone has ADHD" line keeps cropping up again and again!!
Not everyone has ADHD though. Everyone experiences burnout and forgetfulness. That's not ADHD.
@@KingRidley Correct, ADHD diagnosis is multiple behaviors, traits and contexts taken into consideration.
I wish I had this information while my husband was alive. My ADHD was very difficult on him for the 35+ years of our marriage and the rough parts were because we didn’t have all the skills we needed. Of course it would have helped if my autism had been diagnosed 😂
I'm sorry to hear about your husband.
Skills are always something that can be grown and built over time, it's never to late to learn. And yes, the autism diagnosis is an important one too lol
Great to see that you're continuing to learn more about yourself :)
One thing that seems to help is the fact that my partner and I are both neurodivergent and very similar. So we understand more easily what’s going on and are automatically more empathetic. It’s also incentive to step up and help the other as opposed to doing chores for oneself.
I love that! Great work 🙂
Nice work. Loved this
This is spot on and insightful. My relationship ended a few months ago and my ex cited a lot of inconsistency and “broken promises”. I also tended to get lost in conversations but I’d try to mask and pretend I was following along. I’m hoping to get officially diagnosed for ADHD because I believe it affects other areas of my life as well. I’m still grieving that relationship but it’s teaching me a lot about myself and what I need from a partner as someone with ADHD.
Breaking up is absolutely beyond painful to go through.
It's awesome that you're seeking a diagnosis and looking to learn how best to work with your brain. I'm all about taking back the control of your own actions, growing and carving out the life and relationships you want.
It gets better, I promise :)
Thanks for stopping by
This is what happened to my marriage. I am going on medication but I never realized how bad it was until my wife asked for a divorce after 10 years. Now I am getting help and hopefully will have a better future.
That's awesome, it's never too late to finally take the time to take a look at your own actions and see what you can do to grow, change and turn things around for yourself and your relationship. :)
Keep growing!
Same here. Sad and surprising.
I got diagnosed 3 years ago aged 54 - I have a string of failed relationships and now know this is down to my ADHD and getting into crappy relationships due to dopamine chasing. I wish I knew this stuff 30 years ago. Thankfully most of my mates both male and female have ADHD so I'm not socially isolated and I have a job where my skills are valued and a decent manager....But Its been a roller coaster ride for sure
Yeah, learning about your brain is uncomfortable, but ultimately works out for the best long term, right?
Congrats on the diagnosis! :)
ADHD takes a toll on all relationships. As a parent of a 40 years old ADHDer I have not just gone through the pain of seeing my son suffer since high school (he was finally diagnosed last year) but continue to struggle with the the emotional impact it has had on our relationship 💔
I can understand how it can feel like ADHD is at the center of a lot of the challenges in the relationship, however I think that every brain is unique and that relationships are the result of cultivating them rather than blaming individuals, that helps to prevent the negative emotions from coming up in the first place
I touch a lot on it in this video here: ruclips.net/video/ztsSlqasHt4/видео.html
So you are still parenting 40 yo guy? Pathetic
Thank you for this great advice - I will share this with my husband and also with my son! I’m a mom & grandma with pretty bad ADHD, and while it’s true that I do struggle with all those things that you mentioned, my husband has still been faithful to me for almost 34 years. My 23-year old son has even worse ADHD than I do, but he’s also fiercely loyal and has only had one serious girlfriend in his life, for the last 5 years, and they just got married recently. Thankfully, his wife really loves him, so I hope and pray that she won’t get tired of his lack of focus & not following through with stuff. I will send this video to both of them, and I will also look into your course.
congrats to them both! That's awesome. I'd always say that in every relationship, it should be you and your partner Vs the problem. The problem is not ADHD, and there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way for a brain to work, so together partners can work together to address the problems from two different and valid perspectives and come together to create a win-win between them. Hope that makes sense
Im not a very talkative person I honestly love listening to him. I think were going to soothe eachother because he loves someone who listens and he makes me more confident because everything he says is usually whats in my head as well
That's perfect!! I love that
People think I am joking when I say his time in the marines prepared my husband for a life with an adhd mess like me. But I am serious, that training helps him battle my brain on the daily. It takes a strong person to live with us.
Oof! Give yourself some credit! Our brains are just part of a wider spectrum, just learning to work with it is the skill we develop :)
I went on about 10 dates with a guy with ADHD I really liked. Each date was great, he was charming, funny and attentive, but the time in between dates was difficult because sometimes he wouldn't text for 5-6 days, so not hearing from him at all. I basically always had to initiate contact.
He also told different stories about when he was gonna move to a different city (in 4 months or in two or even next month...) so I couldn't plan anything.
Now, for more than ten days I haven't heard from him and he also didn't remember my birthday or maybe he remembered but didn't congratulate me.
I think he might have moved now and I'll never get in contact again 😢
I reminded him how long ago our last talk was and that it was my birthday in the meantime, but nothing. Silence.
The communication side of relationships is absolutely the toughest nut to crack, I feel ya on that! Took me a lot of time to figure out. Lol
We can spend a lot of time trying to analyze others feelings from their actions and it can leave us feeling even more lost than before!
It takes time and practice to develop the emotional safety to get someone to open up properly. Contact or no contact, I always recommend to keep building the tools you have for the next communication :)
@@BeUltranormal I feel like I did all I could, trying to research ADHD, and giving him space when I noticed he was stressed or overwhelmed.
But other than telling me he has ADHD he never said anything about how he copes (or doesn't) with it. That would help any empathetic partner better understand it.
Absolutely agree. And if you put yourself in an ADHDers shoes of trying to deal with the shame of having ADHD, feeling like people are working around you, and are ready to walk away if you don't "get it right" then it can be very very hard to openly admit your struggling in any way. ADHDers have to come to terms with it themselves first. It can be a huge shock to the system if diagnosed later in life.
The way I see it is that when it comes to crucial conversations like that, there's 3 options:
1) Wait for partner to volunteer information
2) Push partner for information
3) Create a safe environment where your partner can freely start to explore or understand how they cope with it themselves
A lot of people will usually do 1 or 2, as option 3 takes time and multiple conversations. Ultimately, I see supporting a partner this way: we cannot control other people, we need to allow them to be themselves and make their own choices, supporting them is taking the time to make them feel fully understood and offer advice if they want it. This way there's a mutual buy-in and no one feels forced or rushed to make a decision.
My ex boyfriend was ADHD together for 4 and a half years . I really tried but it did impact me emotionally so much.
I can understand, ADHD relationships can be tough, and it usually takes one or both to help create systems to make it work.
@@BeUltranormal I really tried so many times but it was just so emotionally and mentally draining for me. I gave it my all but he never valued all the effort put in. Final straw was he started to distance himself and decided to break up with me. He also Impulsively started being with other females. So yea I wasn’t about to even figure him out anymore.
@@AdrianaVRodriguez06I have ADHD, but for me I just constantly feel alone and feel like I'll never get a chance to love.
@@mr.posted9858 it’s definitely possible but the person you interact with just the person know at the beginning. There are many people willing to give it a try if they feel the connection. Don’t give up, your person is out there. Just have to be patient and like he mentioned just have to figure out a system with great communication to make it work.
@@mr.posted9858 if you need someone to vent to I will gladly be here for you
I am ADHD/bipolar with epilepsy. I have totally isolated and rarely am able to leave my property. But.. I have been married 3x and lived with two others for a few years. I’m 68 and isolated six years ago after my last relationship with a narcissist. Isolating has been my saving grace. Retired singer songwriter… now a reclusive eccentric artist. Life is good now. Relationships are out of the question at this point. I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 50’s. 🤦🏻♀️. Would have been good to know what the hell was wrong with me sooner.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you whatsoever! ADHD is simply just part of the fabric of life!
And at 68, there's still plenty of reasons to go out and find love, but each to their own!
@@BeUltranormal 😂🤣😂🤣😂. I’m so much happier on my own. When I want, where I want, why and how I want. My pets are great company and I quite like myself. Had more than my share of men along the way. Lol. 😂🤣🥰
This is me I struggle with emotions and anger and I forget and miss so many details my spouse feels like it's me choosing not to care enough to be better
It can absolutely be a struggle to deal with emotions, especially in important conversations. I struggled with it for many years.
And it's *because* we have challenges with ADHD it's even more important that we proactively work on these things.
Our partners are not looking for us to *not* have ADHD or be perfect, they want to see that we can acknowledge challenges and put in the work to manage them.
Great content thank you very insightful
Thanks so much for stopping by! Let me know if there's anything specific you want to see me cover in the future!
We just broke up after 13 months. Emotionally am drained
There can be a toll of not getting ahead of those negative feedback loops for sure.
Just found you. This was a terrific video!
Hey! Thanks so much for stopping by!
My partner got me to get diagnosed. She's changed my life. All of this fun stuff in this clip hit home. We've broken up a couple of times because I was reluctant to even see the other side of things. My communication is literal shit sometimes. Her thing right now is to be POSITIVE all the time. Its difficult, because my self-esteem isn't great, but I think as time goes on its getting easier.
That's awesome! I work through the self-esteem stuff with a lot of my clients, a lifetime of 'failing' can have a huge impact on the self-esteem, right?
Would a video on self-esteem be useful for you?
Thanks for the comments by the way! Nice to meet you :)
Not a relationship for me, but friendship issues for being an ADHD, it just happened recently where me and my online group about our mutual interested hobby.
I began to get burn out around 4 months ago but I tried to keep doing that hobby in order to keep engaging with them (I like them a lot and wanted to keep interacting with them even it's about the topic I am no longer interested anymore)
I then started to getting out of control by a massive burn out and eventually out burst my emotion and became quite toxic myself. Everybody did nothing wrong and I didn't hate or angry for everyone but it seems that I have reached my limit and I just wanted to stay away from the social media just to cool it off.
Now I left the group but still keeping contract with some of my closed friends that I tried to explain why I'm doing this.
Wish me luck.
Social media can be an emotional drain, especially for ADHD. I steer mostly clear of it nowadays
Married 37 years alot of rough things to go through. If you are willing to realize that alot of the tough times are to do with ADHD ,Then the best advice that I can give is 1 understanding what it is and that it brings the same promblems to each of us with ADHD. 2 find your coping skills. 3 Want to have a healing of your relationship.and 4 ❤️ love yourself and the person you live with. This understanding takes time 1 day at a time.But start.
100%! I just made a video on this too, about being a good student in a relationship :)
What's up with the impulsive LYING, defensiveness, and always seeking validation and wanting to be liked? That's very frustrating to see my partner do this day in and day out. So much insecurity no matter how much compliments I give. It seems like he is a narcissist at times and it's really hard to tell.
Absolutely, I've been in relationships where I have been lied to, and had constant defensiveness. And I struggled with that at first too. Trying to catch out lies, trying to tell them they should tell the truth, trying to constantly compliment them thinking that it would increase their self-esteem and feel good around me.
When you think about the reason why people lie (every single person on the planet lies, whether it's by saying false things or omitting the truth) it's because they simply don't feel safe saying the truth. Same for defensiveness.
The mistake a lot of people make in relationships is to focus on whether their partner is a liar, a gaslighter, sociopath or a narcissist, this is what's known as the Fundamental Attribution Error, it's a bias that we have where we assume that this is something deeply engrained in someone's character rather than the environment they are in.
As a partner, when you fall for the FAE bias (ie. you assume your partner is a narcissist etc...) then your reactions to their lies become negative, even in the subtlest ways, because internally you see what their doing as negative and harmful to the relationship.
And partners pick up on that negative reaction, which makes them feel less emotionally safe and confirms to themselves that they *shouldn't* tell the truth. The key is to show in actions over a long period of time that it is safe for them to tell the truth and they won't be punished for it. This means rewarding truth telling, rather than punishing lies.
So, if you partner does feel insecure and doesn't feel safe enough to talk about their insecurities, complimenting them won't make them feel better about themselves. If you think about therapy, they don't sit there and tell you that you're awesome, they give you the space and time to express yourself and gradually come to that decision yourself!
I've probably not explained this as well as I could in one comment, but I'll plan and write out a video on the subject in the near future! Thanks for the comment!
It comes from RSD. They have been told they are wrong their whole lives they don’t know how to validate themselves and have self esteem. The only time they get that is with praise.
We hang onto the tiniest bit of positivity because most of the time, we hate ourselves, because we have been conditioned that it’s our fault for everything, big and small. So we value that even more.
Due to hyper sensitivity, we feel everything intensely, and we have to battle that every day. Anything can mentally and physically bring us back to a moment in time (very much like PTSD) that we have felt wrong and all the mistakes we’ve made, the reaction isn’t due to the present, but the historical conditioning we are wrong. And it’s a physical sensation and it’s hell.
They want validation because they never had it or don’t have it themselves.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to get help. No one believed me. Now my relationship is in ruins because of unaddressed adhd, and it misdiagnosed as EUPD (which is one of the most stigmatising diagnoses you can acquire…you can imagine the stigmatising comments made…it’s sick)
Fighting 6:35 for 15 years…told Friday that after two years of waiting they are not going to help me.
This is why relationships fail; people want to learn and manage their symptoms, but nothing their to guide them. I thought this vid might help, but my RSD=everything’s my fault, even though I battled so hard to get support and help.
this was a great video i think, But I was too busy reading a wikipedia article about frogs and now I have to watch it again.
😅
I find it weird that nobody ever seems to talk about how INCREDIBLY bored the ADHDer can become in a long-term relationship.
Yeah, it can be common, in a lot of relationships!
Always gotta find the ways to introduce variety in relationships...
Which I feel like can lead us to almost purposefully try to cause/find problems in the relationship just to add a little variety.
I've watched my sister end relationship after relationship. I notice after a while she'll stop talking about the good in the relationship and start focusing on the bad. She'll go from talking about how cute, funny, sweet, etc her guy is to complaining about the littlest things sometimes. The worst part is that she doesn't communicate this to her boyfriend and ends up ending the relationship before the guy even has a chance to know what he did wrong and to try to fix it. The worst part is the guy she was with the longest was the worst. She even married him. I sometimes wonder if she stayed with him because he caused so much drama and gave the relationship more "variety" then the other "boring" (a.k.a stable) guys she dated.
@@youtubecommentator6023 this is so legit. I have had so many issues with this, as well. It's hard to find healthy ways to keep the boredom at bay in long-term relationships, and I have definitely blown up/restructured/restarted my entire life multiple times out of sheer boredom. I've now come to decide that trying to maintain any sort of long-term monogamous relationship just isn't for me, and that's ok. Knowing that and coming to terms with it will save me and any future partners from a lot of potential heartache. The main obstacle will be not giving in to those initial early dating dopamine rushes that make me think I have feelings for someone that aren't real feelings and just hormone and chemical related highs.
Be prepared to be called crazy when you snap when you're stuck in traffic for 3 hours on the longest day in history
I struggled with managing my emotions too for a long time, they are a massive massive barrier to successful relationships!
I have anxiety, and my partner has adhd. We just broke up because we clashed. We still love each other, but is there any advice on how an anxious person can work together with adhd. I love him so much
When you have ADHD and have to play this three times through because you couldn't stay focused long enough to hear what he was saying
"to finally get shit done..."Love you Chris :D
Ha! I'm a man on a mission! :)
I've always struggled with relationships. I have only recently realised after my daughter received an adhd diagnosis that I fairly likely have it and I'm booking a test. Its starting to make sense and I have also attracted the wrong type of people for me so I'm on this journey.
Congrats on booking the test! Yeah it can often happen by one person having a diagnosis and then you start to ask yourself if you have similar experiences.
Thanks for stopping by and I'm honored to be part of your journey :)
@@BeUltranormal thanks Chris, I'm learning a lot from your content 😊
@@davidleonard37 🤗🤗
There is unfortunately a number of traits exhibited within both ADHD and Autism that if seen by the untrained eye, can be mistaken traits shown within NPD. I will say though that these traits although sometimes look very similar on the outside, they come from a vastly different place inside. There is a large number of videos on this very subject so I advise anybody who doesn't already know this to learn about it, because if you find yourself in a relationship with a person who has been traumatised through Narcissistic abuse then you might just end up feeling abandoned with no idea what happened. So please, for the sake of experiencing the painful loss of what I've been through numerous times throughout my life, don't just learn about yourself as a person with AuDHD, learn about its correlations with NPD and other commonly comorbidly occurring disorders.
Whoever reads this I wish you nothing but the sweetest and most genuinely loyal and exciting love that life could ever bring you. 💚💙💜
There's a huge crossover between behaviors that people with ADHD can display as well as NPD.
And some people with ADHD could also develop NPD.
And developing the self-awareness, as well as seeking formal diagnoses as to how your brain works and what makes you tick is 100% crucial.
However, in my opinion, the trend of self-diagnosing a partner with ADHD / NPD etc... is quite reductive and disempowering to yourself as well as your partner. I've released a video that touches on some points (like blame) but I'll make a video in the future about ADHD vs narcissism and the misconceptions that can cause a lot of damage to realtionships.
I'm uncertain where my ENTP personality ends and my ADHD condition begins. They overlap in so many areas...
Yeah, I had that feeling too for a while, trying to figure out kinda *who I was*.
I personally started finding it more useful for me to start looking at who I *wanted to become* and that helped me make progress rather than get myself stuck in analysis paralysis. :)
Self-centered nonsense
@@animal79thecat this is a self-help video about a personality defect as it relates to relationships. It invited taking personal inventory. It's going to be self-centered, genius.
I have a really great relationship with my partner complete trust and understanding however I’ve bounced between “please never leave me” and “do I really love you” a lot. I am pretty certain we are right for each other he is smart, caring, investing in our future. But he isn’t as willing to be spontaneous as I am and sometimes it get me down even to the point of feeling bored and wondering if we are right for each other.
I find myself craving past versions of him that weren’t quite as mature or set in stone about his ways like when we were first dating and miss the rush I’d get around him. I feel stupid to pass up the opportunity to be with someone so genuine and loving over something so stupid but it keeps bugging me the not knowing if he is “THE ONe” thing
Exactly the same! The bouncing back and forth is exhausting. Currently in a 'is he the one' state and its very depressing. He's incredible (truly) and I dont understand why my brain does this. I constantly have to tell myself not to end it when I'm going through this cus I know I'll very likely feel the complete opposite way soon. Thanks for commenting that, feels good to know I'm not alone.
I have an upcoming video about the fallacy of "The One" and how that idea disempowers our relationships quite significantly.
Take a look at the video I released on the relationship books which briefly touches on the idea that relationships are simply a skill to build rather than something that either *is or isn't* compatible.
As people we go through seasons and in order to maintain and cultivate compatibility for the relationship there needs to be conversations and developing solutions for both your needs. There's ways a win-win that can be found :)
@@BeUltranormal Thank you Chris! I appreciate all your videos.
@@mirjetaademaj8269 Thanks so much!
I’m ADHD/INFJ and getting tested for autism with currently. I’ve failed at many relationships for various reasons. Also need to pick a healthier partner who is willing to work with means vice versa.
Thank you 🦋
Thank you so much for stopping by! And congratulations on pursuing your diagnosis :)
One thing for me,...not sure who can relate to this, is that because of the extensive amount of above and beyond effort I have to put into things that aren't "in my lane," so to speak, (if something is, hyper focus kicks in and difficult tasks to other people are a breeze to me), is astronomical.
Therefore I get annoyed very easily with many people, and at times get overly frustrated with myself for my efforts not translating as they should...ie; school activities, I could teach a very difficult topic so that everyone extensively understands, but I could take a standardized test in that topic and bomb it.
Way back in the day when I was doing an internship as a collegiant strength coach with D1 athletes, I was in love, just because of the effort those kids put out.
I don't reasonably expect anyone to match my efforts. However getting someone to get to at least 50% is an issue, and getting someone that is understanding enough to not get upset with the extensive time and sacrifices I have to make daily to play catch up in life, is frustrating for my previous partners.
@@Lee-sh7if , I feel at times, it's almost not worth having a partner, as it slows me down, (because of playing catch up at times), it's also mentally taxing because of having to almost be juvenile in my explanations of more complex issues and situations, (ie; it's like they can't mentally zoom out with different scenarios to "connect the dots"), and I feel bad for putting my girlfriend through mental grief.
Irrespective of other similarities that I have in common with people, unfortunately the only people that I feel that I can remotely relate to are those with ADHD, and not even everyone with it as it presents so different, and at least for me can be a devolving puzzle...ie; what worked 10 years ago, no longer does, as my subconscious caught on and knows I'm trying to fool it.
Are there any certain tips, cues, ideas, etc. that have helped you along the way?
ADHD relationships can be difficult, but before ADHD coaching I worked as a relationship coach and have seen that the challenges in wider relationships are rarely the challenges themselves it's peoples reactions to them. Challenges become *problems* when it starts to become finger pointing and blaming.
All relationships have challenges and I've seen clients who were convinced that their partner was leaving them because of their ADHD when it wasn't that at all, it was because of their reaction to the challenges in the relationship. Once they started adjusting the way they responded and learned the communication skills to deal with them, things changed.
I see a relationship is like going to the gym, you get out what you put in, if you put in the right effort then you get the rewards of a partnership, if you don't put in the right effort then you don't get the benefits of a partnership and life is difficult but in a different way.
That being said, I've seen many many ADHD relationships really thrive, and once it becomes you and your partner vs the problem, it really starts to change things!
My wife has adhd, and we both are autistic(actually also our 3,5yo daughter). But my special interest for now is autism and neurodiversity in general (and she is great pedagogue with neurodiversity knowledge), so we are doing fine, just spliting our skills and doing our job.
Thanks for stopping by.
That's great! Awesome to hear you have a healthy rhythm going together :)
This video is very important. I was in a 7 year relationship with a girl who also had adhd.
I was diagnosed yrars ago and i was working on staying on track with my thoughts.
She however was highly impulsive. Heavily addicted to her phone. Mostly dating apps and games.
She struggles with chronic boredom. When she would become obsessed with something there was no getting her away from it.
Moodswings. Terrible
ADHD can be a struggle and, as with any relationship, it requires a lot of work as a team to get through problems together!
Awesome that you're working on your own improvements though, that's crucial!
It makes so much sense for me in my relationship. I'm at the point I want so.rone but I'm fed up with myself failing, when I do try not to. I've been single which it seems like forever. 😢😅
I totally get that, being single can be lonely and a new relationship can seem like it's so far away!
But sometimes being single is a great time to work on the things to help you in the next relationship for a better chance at success! Being single is rarely forever :)
I just wanna ask, wouldn't it be easier to just not be in a relationship with someone with ADHD or ASD (i.e. folks like me). It always feels like you're raising an adult with a child's mind. It's frustrating. It's maddening. It makes you question being with them. So ehy even bother? Why not just give up? The only way to ensure you don't end up hating each other is if you're not in each other's lives. You don't need the stress. Or the pain of arguing. So why bother? It's not worth it.
ADHD/ASD relationship problems are no harder/easier than any other relationship problems. And every relationship has problems.
Even the most successful & healthy relationships have problems that come up, the only difference is how you deal with those problems. Seriously, ask the best relationship you know if they ever have difficulties or problems come up, not 1 of them will say 'no'. It's always about learning the skills to deal with them. :)
I actually have a video out this week talking about The Lone Wolf Illusion (AKA, telling ourselves we're better off single)
Many do give up. Relationships where one or both have ADHD/ADD have a significantly lower success rate, just like when it comes to autism.
Great to see this. I am auadhd myself and have seen this comment several times in videos but never a good answer, but you have put in words what I've always had in mind.
People tend to avoid certain things once it's labeled as a problem, but as someone who've grown up with problems, I have the opposite mentality.
It's sad to see the best avoided attitude, but I've always had the same view as you that even if you were with a neutral typical partner, you are going to have issues, it's just sad that we're not seen as equals.@@BeUltranormal
This can be said about any relationship.
I'm actually looking for videos to help my ADHD partner rn. We both have ADHD and he wasn't taught how to cope. I also have autism so it's easier to teach by finding the sentiment and sending him a video. I also try to find videos with men speaking so that he doesn't get overwhelmed with only the feminine perspective
I have left almost every single person I have dated in a year or less. I have super bad emotional numbness after a while. Like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
How do you mean? You leave the relationships before they leave you?
Can I ask you something? So is it the excitement of the new relationship at the beginning, the dopamine intake and then once the relationships settles and different challenges occur, you get bored and fall out of love? This could explain why my relationship ended within months 😢
@@lenkamayo40 i actually have a hard time falling for someone. I am an avoidant big time. But I also do meet the bad dudes who I find out late.
Girl same. It's very hard for me to develop feelings for someone. And when I start developing feelings, I'm still avoidant. I don't enjoy dating at all, feels like a job interview for a job I don't even want. Even though I like the other person and want them to feel loved and desired, and I want to build a relationship with them. Like just a normal date feels like too much energy for me but I get so little dopamine from iI, especially if I'm still unsure about the other person
My ex husband just get pissed i don't act neuro typical. He complained that i blamed everything on adhd.
I've had that with partners too, and it can feel hopeless, because we're trying to get them to understand the way our brain works.
As ADHDers, we can get into the bad habit of mentioning ADHD during the times when we fail, to our partners it tells them that we're too busy focused on the ADHD than to learn how to work with our brain and do something about it.
I understand that it's not our intent to use ADHD as an excuse, but if we're not focused on solutions, it comes across that way to everyone else. So, while we can't control what other people think, we can certainly learn better ways to communicate our feelings so that it doesn't come across as blaming ADHD.
@@BeUltranormal absolutely! I use paper calendar now (Google calendar entries doesn't work for me. I get distracted while swiping between apps), home clocks are 1hr, 45min, 30min ahead, I have a desk dedicated to layout work project (visual reminders), note books for each projects, large digital stop watch for tracking work project with clients, mantra to stay on one project, etc. I've been running brick and motar business for 10+yrs. I'm pretty functional, my house hold and his house hold & his children's needs.
I know I'm functioning ok for an adhd-er. His lack of understanding and lack of interest to know what it's like is sad.
For example, reminder such as "we have to leave on 5min" doesn't work for me. I need a pre-reminder. He gets pissed about those requests. I set minimum of 3 alarms and buffer time to be on time for work etc. he doesn't like to help me with small stuff like that. Or gets annoyed if I have the ADHD freeze and cannot get out of the chair, can't focus of sex because my mind is mid hyperfocus about something else etc.
My advice would be to lean into his annoyance and hurt before you talk about your accommodations. When someone is on the defensive, no matter what you say about yourself, it will not be heard. Hold off on requests for now, and do something extraordinary instead, lean into the hurt and pain and struggle he's feeling.
If there's two people both arguing their wants, then no one is going to get anything. However, when one partner stops that negative feedback loop, it helps to reset to get each other on the same page again.
@@BeUltranormal I have long distance marriage 1.5hrs away. I have my own business but took a pay cut and take off 3 days during a day to take care of his children.
I pay all of my bills and help his house hold. I usually sleep at 3am because I work late but I wake up 5am for the kids and make sure they work out, warm breakfast is made and lunch are freshly packed. I drive them to school, pick them up, make dinner, watch their home work , do grocery shopping, etc. I work rest of 4 days 12hr+ to play catch up for my business. Sometimes I drive after that to make sure I can be there for the kids so he can leave work on time. I drive least 3hrs a week just to make time to see them. I almost never rejected him bed. I made sure his bills were paid during the pandemic, even before that too when he wasn't on his feet yet.
I don't know what else a woman can do for a man.
Because I got $2k pay cut per month, I asked him to help me with health insurance through is work. It's $400 cheaper. After a fight, he got me off the plan January because he could.
He threatened to divorce me 4 times in four months period with link to a court paper work. One reason was I'm not happy so he had to let me go, then after a fender bender I caused in the heat of argument that I discovered he spend $30K of my savings, then he got drunk with coworkers on my birthday and decided to spike my birthday cake with MDMA and served it to me in front of the kids. When I got angry that was that.
I think the problem really is me. I feel grounded when I'm not over there. So that's that.
According to him, I say the most hanus shit in text but I'm so angry that I really doing everything that I can do for the relationship to stay in tact. If I don't drive to see him he doesn't even have time to come down because he is a single dad. He wants me to move up but he doesn't have any financial backing. Yet asking me to sell my house and business so we can be together.
I just wanted to vent. My asking is honestly not bad. Because now I understand the symptoms I have better coping strategies.
He is also against meds. Anyway thank you for your input. I'm just going to keep distance so I can save my energy not doing everything for him. Oh he makes me angry even though I haven't seen him in a week.
Sounds like me and my husband, he just hates that my brain isn’t “normal”‘and that I have so many “issues”, that I complain and have an excuse for everything…when really, I ask questions to get better understanding, I ask for help when I know I’m struggling, I try to communicate that I am overwhelmed so that he might understand I might not have gotten a task done, or whatever it may be. In doing the best I can, but it never seems good enough, and if he doesn’t understand something or if I’m “too much” or “too emotional” or whatever, he asks “did you forget to take your meds today”? ….which no I don’t actually forget, and if I do, I usually get a bad headache, don’t engage much, and almost shut down…Soo ya, it’s hard, especially cause we were both told to “get evaluated” by a psychiatrist, I did and was diagnosed with ADHD…he didn’t, doesn’t think he needs to, refuses to get help or seek help for any of his issues, like why is he Always annoyed at everything? Or why does everything set him off? Even simple, normal communication is very difficult…but it’s all my fault, I the problem. Since I did do that and got diagnosed, I started taking medication….mind you, I didn’t want to…I didn’t really feel like I had a choice…but now, even after all of that, since my meds don’t “fix” me, although they do help with focus and remembering things, it’s apparently not good enough. And he refuses to learn anything about it to help him understand what I’m going through… 😢 I was diagnosed when I was 33…but instead of being enlightening and helpful to me, it just brought more shame…instead of helping us learn to work together in a better way, it became the “source of” all of our problems…it’s just not right
I'm surprised in opening of this video.
You did not add talk about how also "if" both people have ADHD or this is separate topic?
If so do you have a video on that that you can link below?
Hey, thanks for the comment! I don't have a video on it yet, but will post one up if enough people ask for it.
Wow I wish I really watched this a long time ago
Thanks for stopping by Nate! Hope it helped. :)
Every partner that I've had in my life. I have broken up with impulsively out of hurt feelings or whatever.
I've heard a lot about ADHD people being disorganized etc. Im the total opposite. I cant put a task of if i know it needs done or it drives me nuts. I also am so organized, sometimes it feels i live in a model home 😂
For sure that can be a way it presents itself!
It all comes from the same source which is our dopamine and prefrontal cortex. So in terms of the organization side of things, it can present as not being able to prioritize. So that could mean that the brain treats everything as important (e.g. a task presents itself and the person does it immediately, despite it not being important) or treating things as unimportant (e.g. a task appearing and it being put on the bottom of the to do list regardless of its importance).
The way it presents in men and women can often be different, possibly due to the societal expectations in growing up and different coping mechanisms developing along the way.
The main thing regardless of diagnosis/presentation is developing the self-awareness and figuring out the environmental ways to support the way your (and your partners, if you're in a relationship) brain works! :)
I switch modes between being disorganized and hyper organized. I could go weeks without organizing then just wake up one day in hyper organizing mode. Then do weeks worth of organizing in a day. There's no in between
😂 My Late-diagnosed ADHD coupled with my 25 year partner's HF Autism Spectrum Disorder can be a Great Source of Humor between us. Yes, it takes work. Yes, so does every relationship! The core needs to be that you truly Like yourself & are as kind, gentle to yourself as u r to others; and your partner feels the same about themselves. Then relisten to the part of Video about each other's Strengths! Sort those out. Name them. Balance your combined strengths & weaknesses- Laugh about them! Celebrate them! 🎉 Remember- If you don’t Blame, you don’t have to Forgive!
Love this! Love that you guys are leaning on each others strengths and continue to grow!
My ex was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid. He is also an avoidant, has relationship OCD. I wonder if any of these traits are seen with ADHD :
-blurting out mean things, urge to break up
-Being self-centered on his hobbies (he could be autistic as well)
-Feeling obligated to please the partner but resenting it secretly
-Believing getting hurt and abandoned is inevitable
-Afraid of intimacy, not very affectionate.
-Influenced by his family and putting their own values and opinions as reference. Over the partner.
-Perfectionistic, low self-esteem.
A few of these can correlate with ADHD, although I don't really agree with the idea of 'traits' as, if they do appear they're simply learned behaviors that can be unlearned :)
@@BeUltranormal Which ones correlate in your opinion? Everything can be unlearned. He is very conditioned by his childhood trauma and he could heal these traits if he wanted to.
@@MissSarahGM I'd rather not comment specifically on someone's behavior that I haven't met tbh. But I have a few videos on some ways that ADHD can impact our emotions and ways we form our behaviors! They should all be in the ADHD playlist on my channel :)
Current seperation because of my ADHD.
I know it can feel like ADHD is the cause of the separation, but I actually find with clients that's quite disempowering to look at it in that way. ADHD can be a challenge, but it can be worked around successfully with the right tools.
ADHD relationships have just as many challenges as neurotypical relationships, they just appear in different ways. The root of the problem is usually the way couples navigate those problems
What about when both have adhd? Me and my fiance both have adhd, and we both have very similar adhd so that helps tbh. But still have some hard times.
Sometimes both having ADHD can help foster understanding between you both, as you've experienced similar things, and sometimes it can exacerbate a negative feedback loop in the moment.
What are the hard times you're finding?
@@BeUltranormal First off all, thank you for commenting back :D. Our moods are really linked, so if he is sad i get sad and vice versa, and we both have a hard time dealing with rsd so if one of needs some time the others rsd goes haywire ans the mood goes down and stays down for a bit. And we get in this negative spiral untill it explodes into a fight or depressive episode. hope i explained it well enough. :D
The most difficult part is repeatedly inform and educate our partners on ADHD.. And all the work trying to keep a relationship is ours because WE have the "problem", so WE are the ones having to fit the neurotypical world. No partner, or even very good friends of mine, has ever taken the time to read or get informed about ADHD. They don´t have to and that is already a toll taken on us. Some did understand some aspects of it and even tried to help, offering what would help them, not me. Some of my partners at least once threw on my face that some of my behaviours were deliberate, even though I explained many times what chemically, physically and emotionally was happening in my mind and body. How many times I said that moving things I put in a certain place got me totally unbalanced and made me stressed, that saying "again?","I told you" and "you´re impossible" never helped and actually would make me resent them. It seems to be extremely difficult for neurotypicals to understand that when someone says "I don´t want to talk now, I want to be alone" it doesn´t mean he/she doesn´t love them, it means what it´s said. Sexually it can be a tragedy. People are so used to doing what they want to have done to themselves that paying attention to someone else is not even an issue, and the way it affects us is reverted and taken as if not getting an erection means lack of interest or love (well, ADHD or not that is quite a simplistic association most do). I stopped masking long ago and to be frank, my ADHD and I have a wonderful relationship with each other, we probably want to have a threesome, but we are not willing to be the sole ones to carry the dynamics of it and always be the part that solve the neurotypical problems of not understanding ADHD and being the victim of it.
Absolutely, the way we communicate and assert our needs is crucial, and it must be done in a very skillful way so that it comes across well, without it being an excuse.
When it comes to helping neurotypical people understand ADHD, it's easy in short term to put the burden on them to understand a thing that they've never experienced, but I've realized it's not helpful in the long term. As someone with ADHD, I understand that I'm in the minority, and I'm fine with that, I prefer to take the time to the people I care about to work on my delivery and my communication of it. It's much more empowering and it's much more effective. We can't control how people receive it, however, we are 100% able to control how we deliver it, and working on that is why developing those relationship skills are absolutely crucial.
@BeUltranormal I agree with most things you say, the only point I disagree is taking the responsibility for granted and allowing neurotypicals wash their hands of any WHEN in a relationship. People on a wheelchair are minorities and we wouldn´t ask them to carry all the responsibility and tell them they have to find their way in the world so they can fit in it. We build ramps, help them if they can´t get in a car, etc. We easen their struggles to live normally. Our struggle is invisible but it doesn´t make of it an excuse for others not to be bothered about learning about it because they have never experienced something. When being direct telling neurotypicals to stop doing something that doesn´t help me (I don´t mask), lots of times they feel they´re being told off. We could easily say that it´s their problem how they interpret setting boundaries. Then no one moves forward to understanding each other.
The responsibility thing is difficult, for sure. And yes, I would agree that the right thing to do would be to help people to ease their struggles.
However, I don't believe neurotypical people aren't bothered to learn, and, as you seem to be experiencing, being direct with people is ineffective. In fact, the two extremes are ineffective: Being direct leads people to believe they're being told off, saying nothing leads to nothing changing, both of which are not an option.
And I agree, you're right in that each person has their own interpretations of how you deliver the message, which is why I would rather take on the extra work to learn to skillfully navigate conversations in order to create a win-win. This means running the marathon, not the sprint. I don't want to wait for the world to catch up with us, I'd rather deliver an effective message that lasts, and if that takes multiple conversations where I take the responsibility, I'd rather take that hard but effective path. But, I get why people would rather not spend that time with people who could easily learn by themselves.
But I think it comes down to choosing your hard, both paths are difficult, I just want to pick the difficult path that leads to a better outcome. But that's not a path that many people want to take, which I completely get.
@@BeUltranormalSure. We could debate what “better” means and for whom, but we have different opinions and ways of dealing with our ADHD. And we’d be adding another layer to the theme. So expected for an ADHDer 😂😂😂. Anyway. Thanks for the chat and shared views.
Ha, I'm a coach, I'm here to push, it's what I do :)
But yeah, this way is not for everyone, and I totally get and respect that :)
I'm Asian Filipina. I had dated a white guy recently named Douglas and he had ADHD, maybe even narcissism.
Both of these have significant ways of working through. Narcissism has a high remission rate and ADHD is one of the most treatable neurodevelopmental disorders :)
Dating or about to date a woman and hyperfocusing on her. How do I not do that?
The one piece of advice that I'll always always give is to focus on the process of growing yourself, rather than the outcomes.
E.g. if you want to be a millionaire, don't focus on the million dollars in your bank account, focus on the process to MAKE a million dollars. When you shift your focus onto that, then things start to change.
When you focus on the outcome, then ironically your outcome gets further away.
@BeUltranormal OK I hear ya.
I'll do a video on ADHD dating in the near future, stay tuned :)
These suggestions seem like too much effort for the pay off of being in a long term relationship. I understand them and the reasons for the suggestions; they’re solid good suggestions, but I can barely live with myself. How could I ever bring another innocent person into this ADD moras?
I think I can get where you're coming from, if you're struggling yourself, then how can you be part of a relationship and share that burden.
I think that the things that are important for managing ADHD overlap with relationships in general, i.e. creating systems that are effective for your strengths and weaknesses. I would also say that a lot of people go from one extreme to the other and say that they need zero relationship until they figure themselves out, but the reality is that none of us live in a bubble. We all need support from other people and the fundamentals of relationships apply to friendships, romantic relationships and family too. So while, yes, we need to work on ourselves, we also need to work on relationships with others too in order for us to both get the support we need to work on ourselves as well as be part of a team with others.
A rising tide raises all ships. People are stronger as a team, we don't need to isolate ourselves completely.
Ia
!
Like if you forget that you are married or have a girlfriend, if you make inappropriate choices about what to say to strangers. If you over do it on food or alcohol because you can't remember what's at home already.
I guess I'm not understanding the comment? Could you help me understand a little clearer what you're saying?
@@BeUltranormal I think he's saying to like the comment if you relate to those situations.
I’ve been dating for a year and 1/2 following my divorce. Only one maybe worked for a week. The scores of women I saw only once. They all bounced. Why nothing works I can only safely assume my ADHD is on display and it turns women away.
I know it can feel that way sometimes and it feels completely deflating. Dating itself is simply a skill to develop, there are many successful ADHD relationships out there, and they all happen because of developing the right skills :)
Keep growing and watch things start to change around!
@@BeUltranormal thank you
I wonder how many adhd folk would watch a video like this in the midst of a relationship? I suspect that most will be coming to this post mortem, after yet another disaster. But maybe that's just me.. It's all good stuff. Still, how much am I likely to put into practice, while still believing in a completely fictional situation? I'm also autistic, so extra tricky I know.
I say it's like being pulled in opposite directions simultaneously, often within the same sentence.
People will often leave things until the very end to take action, which is a shame. But sometimes we need the slap in the face before we start to make real changes in our lives!
Got it! Prenup it is. They sure don’t mind the money or excitement when it’s convenient. Can be just as lonely when you have to take care of everything because they lack communication skills too
I'm not sure how you got 'prenup' from what I said in that video, but I'd definitely say to check out the video on relationship skills if you're interested in focusing on things within your control
Maybe not be dogmatic. Be flexible and dont be their parent.
Look for the great parts. And understand ADHD have been forced to think outside the box. And with that comes a unique way of viewing the world.
Id rather be single❤
Y'know I get that feeling, I think a lot of people have felt that after tough relationships. And obviously that's a choice people are free to make, but that also comes with everything that comes with being single too.
I personally believe more in taking these opportunities to grow and learn and lean in to the challenge. It's not easy, but for me it comes with more up sides than being single. Each to their own, though!
I can fix you
Sounds like I need a PHD to get a sub par chick. I'm good. Think I'll just be alone.
My recent video on The Lone Wolf Illusion is a good follow up to watch regarding that :)
@@BeUltranormal tbh, I couldn't find it
ruclips.net/video/O_Dec5DjnXk/видео.html :)
Triggers RSD
What does?
@@BeUltranormal this video.
Genuinely made me feel awful. I have been battling for 15 years to get support and help and the services refused me. I knew there was something wrong, but no one believed me because I present well (now learned that means MASKING!).
When you need help, begging for anything, to better yourself for yourself and to protect the ones you love, and be belittled, gaslit, misdiagnosed, ignored, overlooked for 33 years…to hear this hurt, because after the decades of taking responsibility, hating myself, being a failure, I realised, yeah know, if the services listened and adults around me acted when they needed to when I was a child, my life could have been completely different, and in the end, yeah know, not only have you failed, but have BEEN failed all your life.
This made me feel, nope, your fault your relationship is in pieces and on a break you know isn’t going to end well, you’re to blame, you destroyed everything because you’re ADHD…even though I fought so hard to get the support because I cherished and love so much.
The comments aswell made my heart sank. I felt awful reading how unhappy the NT partners who have been in diverse relationships are, how awful their partners were, I think, is that how they felt about me? Did they hate me? Do they pity me? And HERE COMES AGAIN.
My empathy and love of others is the core of my believe, never cheated, never looked at other people, it’s not infatuation, it’s love, and for me it’s rare (few friends, many acquaintances, I’m actually a hermit at the moment while learning more about divergence, to protect others from…me because I’m a damn monster) and be the best I can be, and knowing it will never be enough. I feel so wrong.
Aaaand ruminating again, ffs.
@@timbobshe Y'know I fell into that cycle for a while too. I felt a lot of guilt, like a failure, like I'd let people down, like it was all on me.
However, I've realized since then that it's not anyone's fault. Relationships are always about differences, and ADHD is not the point of failure within the relationship. Compatibility is cultivated between people. And ADHD relationships are all about building systems that work between you both.
This video could've easily been titled "How Neurotypicality Destroys Relationships" and it would've been the exact same thing.
It takes time, but don't blame ADHD, just know that the skills to grow and cultivate relationships are there for ADHDers as much as NTs. I live it myself and I see it with the members I work with. :)
We can grow and change and be more :)
⚠️Everybody keeps telling me I need to change , There's nothing wrong with me , A good partner will understand that, the shortfalls I have and have patience ❤
I agree that there is nothing wrong with you, and no one *needs* to change.
All we can do is take responsibility for the actions we take and the consequences of those actions good and bad. If we're happy with the results of those then there's nothing to change, if we're not happy with those results then not changing your actions would seem like an unwise decision.
As an example, I spent a lifetime demanding my partners accept me for who I am and I refused to change anything, I dug my heels in. Needless to say, most did the same thing and walked away.
I think any partner has patience with someone who can accept that they need to change (we all do) and they also need to see action happening. Partners don't want perfection, they just want to see growth.
@@BeUltranormal wow, thanks for your well thought out reply. And yes you're right 👍♥️
You don't have to change, but if what you are now is a shitty partner then you also shouldn't do that to someone else. You can't have it both ways. There's a lot of zero effort, "the right person will do all the work for me" in the way people talk about relationships these days, and it's just setting someone else up for heartbreaking failure. If you're going to be a partner, be a good one.
Absolutely. If you choose to be in a relationship, put in the work that is required for that relationship. If you don't choose to be in a relationship, that's ok! But 99% of the work that is required in a relationship is things that are required of all relationships (I.e. friendships, colleagues, existing in the world) not just romantic ones. So for me, you may as well put in the work properly, make it your default and reap the benefits from any and all relationships :)
Well, I learned I should stop telling girls I have ADHD. Maybe it might actually get a girlfriend gosh dammit.
I suspected that was the main reason I’m scaring them off 😢
I do have medicine by the way
Ha! Well, I think that it's not *what* you do it's *how* you do it. Hiding ADHD doesn't help anything :)
Terrible decision. You think you can hide having adhd the entire relationship even though she watches you acting with adhd right in front of her face? What, are you gonna try to pretend you were never diagnosed and hope she feels like she owes it to you to stay out of guilt and pity? 😂
Just a word of warning to those in a relationship with an ADHDer, if you're not married, get the hell out. The stress they bring to your life will age you 3:1. It's hell. Absolute hell. Run as fast as you can
I'm sorry you struggled in your relationship (I'm assuming your comment was based on an experience), however there's millions of happy healthy positive relationships and marriages with ADHD as a part of them.
So, to make a blanket statement based on a singular experience is not reflective of an entire group of people, who are as diverse as neurotypical people are.
I wish you all the best!
@@BeUltranormalhell yeah I'm married to an ADHDer. I get all the fun of what new really bad impulsive decisions do I get to deal with today. God help you if you get sick of this shit and set boundaries. You'll get raged at by this supposed adult who acts more like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. Let's also bring up that narcissism is more common in ADHDers. Great. A cluster b personality disorder too. I wanted a mate but I ended up with a PhD in psychological disorders that I have to parent. There's absolutely no self reflection so be prepared to be blamed for all the shitty things they do. And that's where the narcissism kicks in.
Any hopes of my life going well are gone. The best I can do is pray for death and soon. If I divorce her, I lose half of my shit I worked my entire life for.
I wish you all the best!
That is so mean
It's just the real world check the adhd forums alot of married couples where one is adhd it's all them going through hell while the adhd person uses adhd as an excuse