To everyone counter-arguing the first point by saying: “I would never trust anyone who speaks in absolutes all the time. Plus this is what causes most of the problems in the world - over-belief in your opinions.” - I agree with you. I wouldn’t trust someone who speaks in absolutes ALL the time - hence I purposefully included point 4: “know when to express doubt” to counter act this. (9:45) I appreciate your counter arguments, I genuinely do, but you gotta meet a brother halfway & watch the full video for context before jumping straight to the comments to vent. 😂 (lol I’d probably do the same as you so no harm done). Anyway, I’m asking for too much and it was my fault for not explaining what I meant by “strong opinions held loosely” further (speak with certainty when you have belief but if someone proposes a solid counter argument have the grace to accept it instantly). Either way, thank you for your time and attention. See you in the next one, Lew x
So the point gets revised to “speak with certainty only when you are certain.” Hmmm, never tried that one before. The irony is that when faced with an overwhelming number of counterarguments you revise your own recommendation. Or in other words, you spoke without hedges to appear as an expert, and now I won’t listen to anymore of your lessons because you aren’t sure if you’re right or wrong.
I’ve been told at work numerous times that I speak with ‘too much certainty’ on certain topics. Which leads people to follow my lead and not question if I’m wrong. I was always taught to be confident in my speech but to admit when in doubt or if something is uncertain (I mean why wouldn’t you?) but the manner in which I talk apparently means people just do as I say too often 😂. An example was someone popping in from a maintenance team asking about a cable. I told them I was certain it was coiled up in a specific room, but to check with the person running the job. They never bothered to check with the person running the job and used the wrong cable - when asked they said I sounded so certain they didn’t think otherwise. Happens quite often. It’s nice that people have that much trust and faith in me - except when they don’t listen to all of what I have to say and it turns out I might be wrong and they needed to have checked with someone else better informed but they don’t.
@@HicklingStandyeah…good learning point there eh? I had to learn this. When I am the expert at something, I make sure to speak with confidence in the area I’m the expert in. However when I get into other areas I have a passable amount of knowledge, or am suggesting something to engineering, I pose as a question/suggestion. The trick is knowing what you know and knowing what you might not know.
I rarely use “I could be wrong…” in a professional setting because I need to convey confidence. I use the phrase “depending on” to provide wiggle room for topics that ask for specifics and can change base on a number of factors and come back to hurt my reputation as an expert.
I would follow someone who gives me measured uncertainty because I'm an engineer. If you don't know your hedges, then your project is going to blow up. Too much certainty in my work means you will certainly fail, and likely without learning the lesson. An inability to deal with uncertainty is a catastrophic character flaw to me.
I agree with you, but in your work people need to listen to you. This is not an everyday advice, this is advice for when you are speaking in front of people
1. The first issue that all stakeholders prioritize different goals, on the good-cheap-fast triangle. (You can pick 2 at best) For engineers, good/safety is the main target, and (relative) certainty only comes with experience. We have rules of thumb for safety, but these solutions are out of scope of stakeholders these days (see point 2). 2. There are wonder-sentences like "We can make it work but it will be 200% more expensive / take 3 more months". 3. Also, this stuff only comes up in meetings, so my trick is to never agree to meetings when I have no prep time. I like to ask for topics of discussion, "let's discuss X projects" is too general. When they express frustration about not jumping at their whim, you can refer to point 2.
Pausing only works when the other people you’re talking to isn’t trying to interrupt you or is rushing to give their point. There’s been time where I’ve been cut off from 1.5 second pauses
This has always been my issue with this. I’m a slow speaker so if I don’t use “fillers” the other person interrupts me. “I could be wrong but” these uhms, likes, etc are there to avoid that the other person starts talking over you.
While I understand your delivery, the true problem is that most people are not good listeners. This method removes the burden of expecting them to listen and commands them to.
Exactly, I think you can not decide for people if they want to listen. But what's your job is to sound interesting as possible, so that's the responsibility you have to take ;) keep learning, cheers
You find the people that will listen to you, and the tools given in this video, help you find more people that will listen to you. If people plain and simply don't listen to you, walk on. Does not matter who it is.
Bingo! Most everyone has a short attention span and can’t be bothered to listen anymore…Just like that Missing Persons song says, “What are words for, when no one listens anymore?”
@itromacoder3088Honestly no, with a bigggg no. It’s important that people stop talking with certainty on things that they aren’t sure of. If they don’t know what they’re claiming to know, it’s going to be a standard case of lemmings off a cliff. I would go as far as saying it’s what is wrong with society today. Uncertainty is a part of life. We cannot control every aspect of a situation If someone says something with uncertainty, it doesn’t inherently mean that what they say will be worthless. You can be directive/instructive with uncertainty too! Instead of saying “It might rain tomorrow”, or “It will DEFINITELY rain tomorrow”, you can say “It’s really likely that it’s going to rain tomorrow” They will know to bring an umbrella because it’s probably going to rain, but you didn’t misinform them either
@@papabird4425 Then you’re sure of it and you don’t need to talk with uncertainty. Honestly, unless it’s backed by scientific evidence or if you’re explicitly stating your personal opinion, there’s probably going to be some level of uncertainty, but there’s ways to communicate different levels of uncertainty too You can say “I’m 99% certain that…” or “In my extensive experience, …” or even outright “I’m sure that…” (since you outright state it’s from your perspective) Other cases when you might want to just plainly state things is in mid-high stakes / crisis situations where you’re in charge (since you don’t want others’ doubt to misdirect people), and when addressing basic widely accepted truths Certainty in uncertain circumstances can also be a tool for motivation and persuasion, and it is effective in its use, but this is the slippery slope in society I was talking about. Say the dumbest things confidently enough and often enough, and people will believe you. Lemmings off a cliff.
1. Ditch the hedges (Speak with certainty) 2. Don't Hesitate (No "likes" or "uhms", chose silence in between words instead) 3. Turn pasts into presents (Speak in Present tense as opposed to past tense) 4. Know when to express doubt (Soften your statements to soften others)
2:18 This is very useful to filter out people that are incompatible. Someone who speaks in absolutes is to be regarded with suspicion, especially if they are charismatic. If they are consistently right and provide well constructed and sound reasoning, that's one thing, but if they use always or never repeatedly and eventually come up short, that's someone with whom I know not to associate. I prefer people who aim for accuracy and are dependable and reliable. People making hyperbolic claims without justification in the past have taught me to steer clear of others who communicate in this way.
Absolutely! Using absolutist language mostly demonstrates an inability to measure likelihood. The use of absolutist terms is almost always exaggerated or litotical. Examples to watch for include: always, never, everyone, all, nobody, forever, none. Better to use mostly, rarely, in my experience, frequently, hardly..
@@ar7774 Did you actually read the content of my comment? The point is that use of absolutist adjectives is rarely accurate and that 'but' is a word to be avoided.
- "I could be wrong, but..." - "Yes, you are." is how this opening or something similar usually goes for me when I speak with overly confident people. With this you're showing that you don't know what are you talking about, that you don't believe strongly enough in what you're talking about and make yourself vulnerable. If you have someone you're often arguing with or if you understand that you're arguing with an overly confident person, no amount of rhetorical tricks will help you. The best you can do is listen to the other point of view, think to yourself how wrong it is and give up, without arguing or responding.
Yes that is exactly what I was thinking! putting yourself down wont soften people up it just makes you seem less knowledgeable the exact opposite of removing the hedges
Such a situation, imo, is considerably rare even with people you're close with like family members. But even if this does arise, you can act like the bigger guy and say something like "I just want to put this across..." or you can just act like you didn't hear the other person and continue speaking. I prefer the first door
I have two thoughts on that. First, if that person is so hyper-fixated on shutting you down, then you are facing an uphill battle. They’re not listening to understand you. They’re listening to respond and double down on their points. Second, you should have multiple variations of that statement to match the tone of the conversation. In a more heated debate, swap out “I could be wrong” with something like “you’re going to disagree with this, but-”. This gives you a “free space” in the conversation so that if/when they do disagree, they can feel validated already as you’re making your point. It is all about tone. You have to understand when and where it is appropriate to use these. Pick your battles wisely.
I had a manager at work who used very loud and sustained ‘ermmmmmms’ - compared to the volume he was speaking - to dominate the conversation, block anyone from interjection. Drove me insane when working to keep randomly hearing a loud ‘ermmmm’ out of nowhere. Worked for him, as he was able to push around people….
He's violating the conversation airspace, I can imagine that is even worse if done over video calls. urmmm louder than him then say your thing, ask him nicely to behave, get him fired, resign, in that order.
The lowest stage of competence is unconscious incompetence. In science and more specifically, in healthcare, overstating confidence and using absolutes often reveals who is dangerously unaware of their competence deficits. The most competent people I know avoid absolutes, while still speaking with intention--further demonstrating they are aware of where the line falls separating the known and the unknown.
Not everything in life is about achieving maximum charisma. Though not every conversation needs to pursue the fundamental truth of the universe. Knowing when you should prioritize charisma or scientific skepticism means you'll keep your job by responsible with your language AND getting that cute guy you saw to your place because you knew how to switch gears.
@@millerrepin4452 It also depends then, on the people/person you are trying to attract. If I'm interested in someone and then find that they speak in absolutes like this, I'm immediately disinterested. I'm also not someone who's interested in casual hookups, so who the person is as an individual matters to me. Intelligence and competence isn't everything, but to an intelligent person who values having a matched partner (with high EQ and IQ), speaking in absolutes could repel them. Not only does it suggest incompetence, but also, emotionally, speaking in absolutes shows black and white thinking, which can show emotional wounding and unresolved trauma. Often, it shows dysregulation, and a person who is more easily pushed out of their window of tolerance. Think of the times you remember someone upset, saying, "you ALWAYS do X" or "You NEVER act like you care about me." That is a person with a triggered nervous system who's prefrontal cortex (logic brain) is shut off, and until their amygdala quiets, they won't be able to effectively problem solve or better understand the situation or person in front of them. They need to feel seen and safe first. People who speak in absolutes when calm, IMO, are ignorant, manipulative, or are already treading the line of dysregulation throughout the day, and I'd expect that tendency to see the world through absolutes to heighten when under distress, which will make connection and relational repair even more difficult. My guess is that you and I align with valuing being flexible, and everyone will draw that line differently. Being more loose with word choice can be fun. And sometimes making a dramatic statement can have a playful effect. But the examples given in this video would make me disengage. Maybe other people would like it. Different folks, different strokes.
I notice my wife tends to use words like "always" and "never" when she is unhappy. It just makes me think she is deluded and has a bad grasp on reality.
@@lefthookouchmcarm4520 In this case it sounds like the certainty is coming from an emotional place. She knows how she feels about something. Judgement will create an argument because you will try to solve the practical problem while her behavior is trying to explain (poorly) that she is emotionally off balanced. It's great that you noticed that, use it as a sign to address her emotional distress first before you attempt to solve any practical problems.
@@lefthookouchmcarm4520 Definitely sounds like she's upset and struggling; but there's not enough info here for me to have a more detailed opinion. Generally, people who have survived traumatic events find some kind of comfort in black and white thinking; grey is too nuanced and confusing--and mind seeking safety in panic mode doesn't usually have the capacity for evaluating and interpreting nuance. Idk your wife, or the situations you've mentioned, but couple's counseling could be helpful. And/or individual counseling. It's probably quite a bit deeper and more nuanced than either of you realize. Relationships are hard, and messy.
I just read an article about this. "Having a few strong opinions held strongly with the foundation to do so, and meet everything else with curiosity." I tend to hold strong opinions loosely, but in my experience and from talking with people, it doesn't work out in the long term. If you speak in absolutes, people will start doubting everything you say.
Agreed - I think about times I've heard someone with a forceful personality (think: the Andrew Tates of the world) - I instinctively know not to trust them based on how they speak with absolutely no wiggle room or margin for the in-between. Super interesting video tho.
As a lawyer we're actually trained to use what you term "hedges" on the basis that no state of fact can be assumed prior to the fact. It's quite hard to break the habit in normal conversation. Along with the classic "never ask a question to which you don't already know the answer." Makes cocktail parties a bit of a nightmare
I wish this were true. I pride myself on being a good listener but it doesn’t stop people from: (1) interrupting me. (2) being distracted when I speak (3) not showing interest in what I have to say (4) clearly just waiting for their turn to talk (5) not engaging my topic, rather just move on to their topic. This is why I am hoping to get some value from this video. I refuse to speak in absolutes though (this sentence being an exception 😂). “Only the sith speak in absolutes”.
I only speak to people if it's absolutely necessary. I absolutely love listening to myself speak. These points absolutely work. When I speak to myself, I always listen.
Dude insanely good at explaining communication you put it into real life perspective with your examples and show how simple it really can be. Putting things like this into practice can be hard but when you give actual sentences to use it really helps it’s not something communication channels typically do.
It’s a question of intelligence and level of knowledge in a field, and I say this with no value judgment: Lower intelligent people need more certainty Higher intelligent people need more nuanced expression
Sir Lewis owner of the kingdom of Newels of Knowledge in the lands of RUclips i write this letter to express my profound and great thanks for the splendid and magnificent teachings you give to your people here. Mantain such a good manner and effort in your lessons in forms of audio-visual content and you shall flourish.
@@mandimbatop7348 I wish, I just wish you could see my face laughing my ass off at this right now hahahaha but back to formalities! My king. I thank thou for thy blessings upon my direction. May thy continue forth with thy positive outpourings of amorous joy.
Solid points! I personally prefer using the statement “I could be mistaken” to “I could be wrong”, because invoking the word ‘wrong’ includes potential suggestion of being morally wrong. Such a move includes the risk of the other side seeing themselves as wrong if their position is shown to be faulty, given that that’s the term put on the table
Please remember there are people who are pushed away by overt and permanent confidence. Some people are gonna see you be wrong in your confident statements again and again and lose respect over time. But it is definitely good to not speak with hedges all the time, because then people will see you as a pushover.
the point is to be confident when you know what you're talking about, and this carries over into situations that don't necessarily have a "right" or "wrong." having more confidence when telling a story from personal experience, for instance, keeps all eyes on you and all ears on your words, which i'm sure is the main focus here. it's less a matter of making yourself seem credible, and moreso a matter of being engaging and refreshing to listen to.
The first counterargument comes into my head is "you may lose your honesty and humbling" while practising this kind of concise speaking. But there is not necessity between those situations. It is obvious that if you care about those you need to refine your words more and more. Yes, it is harder. But think about the reverse way, when you apply this well founded speech your thoughts also become well founded. I'm sure all of us feel the pain of uncertainty in real life, resulting in stress. Also I am not expecting that there are these many uncertainties embedded into my language. There is a motivation rise in my chest to learn grammar more. Becase I know the true meaning of grammar is "protect the language from the wrong and fallacy".
I enjoy using hedges. It allows for a communal building of the idea of the “thing”. Be it a project, an idea, whatever. It helps to bring in other peoples perspectives. It also helps to remind me that I don’t know everything. Not even close.
In this case you didn't hedge one bit which lets me dissagree with you, this helps for a better discussion as I wouldn't know what to do with "maybe I kinda enjoy hedges". Now you feel dissagreed with and defend from your POV as we test 2 different ideas against each other leaving with some agreement and some dissagreement instead of starting both kind of in the middle just kind of agreeing about nothing...
Point #1 speaks on why politicians and the media love to lie to us instead of giving measured reason. So I don't agree, I hate when people talk like that.
As a scientist, I'd be laughed out of my career if I spoke in absolutes like he's suggesting. Ugh. I never use absolutes!!! (Well, maybe that one time).
Hi Lewis, thank you for these videos . At 62 years old, I still have a lot to learn. I wish I had seen them years ago. I am looking forward to trying some of this when I next do a presentation.
I was an English tutor for three years, which basically means I was a professional conversationalist-or, as I like to call it, a 'paid small talk survivor.' You know, my job was to keep the conversation going, but after three years, I realized something shocking: most people are boring. Yeah, news flash! I mean, when you're getting paid to listen and you still want to fake a bad connection, you know it's rough. But don’t worry, I’ve got tips to make sure people actually want to listen to you. And trust me, if you’re paying someone to listen to you talk, maybe start with 'ditch the hedges'-because 'maybe' your conversation isn’t as fascinating as you think!
As an engineer this goes against all of the wiring in my brain. I’m in sales now and it’s a VERY fine line between covering my ass on my claims and being absolute in order to instill confidence in my products.
Ngl, I like this format better than just you speaking to a mic. When you forget character’s name and/or make some silly mistakes it make you feels more human and relatable. It’s psychological thing and hopefully you get more recognition with this format ❤
Summary: (1) Ditch the hedges (speak in absolutes, at the right time) (2) Don't hesitate (don't use filler sounds/ filler words) (3) During description, try turning past into present tense (4) Know when to express doubt (don't be too rigid) My takeaway: I'm going to follow (1) when expressing what I want, but not generally when stating what i think about something. I don't always want to have an opinion on everything or seem like I have everything figured out. I don't. But i do want to be clear on what I want and where my boundaries are. (2-4) is generally good advice. That said, most advice can be taken too far.
Watched the video until the end because I had the INTEREST to do so. We can definitely increase the chances of people to listen to us however it all comes down to whether or not they’re WILLING to do so, i.e, if they’re INTERESTED. 😭✨
Great practical tips, one of the best videos I've learnt from on RUclips. Calm, no ego, succinct, objective, conversational frequency is spot on - to name a few!
To all the folks debating, I feel this advice is best employed in a professional/formal setting, and I think that's the point. You're obviously not going to engage with your friends at the pub in such a serious manner, but in a work meeting, discussion, first date? I can see how these points would be invaluable 👍
I think the uncertainty vs speaking in absolutes issue needs to be differentiated depending on the importance and complexity of the situation. If it's not important and trivial and you are full of uncertainty you may come off as annoying. If it's important and complex and you are implying you know for sure it could make some critical thinking people doubt your actual competence. At least that's my take on it ;)
it is apparent that his conversation skills are excellent, since he is able to hold the vieweer's attention by speaking without any b rolls, cinematic clips and etc.
@@Dtchmastrkilla7 I thought it was in reference to the act of massaging ones sexual organ/s to the point of almost climaxing and staying at that point for an extended period of time... But you're probably right it makes more sense for him to be referencing the 2016 Samsung galaxy S7 edge android smartphone
Bear in mind character also plays a role in how people respond to you, so a person who is loud mouthed, talks a lot and expands his speech would resonate bad character. On the other hand, a person who can choose the least amount of words (without profanity) to explain or pass on knowledge resonates wisdom and good character.
One of my favorite variants on the "I could be wrong but..." is this; "Now, I am not entirely sold on this idea myself, but...." I like the fact that these signal to the other person that you are open to having your mind changed, and often they will end up doing the same.
I find the following to be so much better: “As far as I understand, …” Doesn’t apply in all situations, but it is a very helpful rhetorical ‘trick’. If you turn out to be wrong, then it could be your own misunderstanding * or * unclarity in the source of your information. With “I could be wrong” and even with your suggestion, the reader likely assumes the misunderstanding is yours.
What I hear as the overall message of this video is… “Don’t get in the way of the message.” Let it stand on its own and have other people decide with it. If we are too hesitant, we pollute it with ourselves. If we are too certain, we pollute it with ourselves. If we state it in a way that is separated from us, it can be considered. “I could be wrong” is a way to detach from it while not getting too cloudy by being overly hesitant.
The slower pace of your speech toward the end of the video gives the audience comfort to follow along until the end. I could be wrong, but it seems you utilized people’s attention span by speaking faster at the beginning. That’s serious accessibility-great work!
This is the only video I have watched on this subject all the way through. That is because you are so nice to watch speak. You are definitely good-looking, and it will definitely not rain today. 😊
Really a great video, but what I’ve learned in life is that this works only with people that don’t know you, or what you achieved. High intelligence people are what you describe as hesitant, but they are unpredictably the people we love to listen. So yeah, great advice, lovely video, but of course carisma is not a thing you can choose to have, you just have it or not, we can see this with many actors interviews 🎉
We are humans at the end of the story, and humans just LOVE stories, we love people that “Knows” stuff, becouse we love “learning” so just a thing I would suggest is not “Pretending” to know what you are saying, but actually know it
This will work i think -> provides your opinion and shows the listener you're willing to listen to other options. This will work -> Im sure and my decision is made without further discussion
I have been watching your videos recently and when watching this one I thought to myself, “ man I’m falling in love with this man” to when I suddenly hear you say my name “Paula, this isn’t a dig at you” 😮 about hesitation
7:24 Yes, I agree with this. Pauses help us not only gather our thoughts but also allow us to become as tense as we try to rush through what we're saying. That way we can remain more collected and calm as we speak in public.
I will implement pausing into my work practice. I do not want to be wrong, so I use hedges, as you've clarified. This will be an active practice and feels like "giving myself a backbone," despite having experienced people who speak as if what they're saying is a fact and then found to be wrong. That is my hesitation!
Can you make a video about how to more appreciate life ? I try to repair myself after many years and even though I worked hard on it, I fall down again and again at a point where I just can't take it anymore and I just want to be happy with what I have and be more focused on what I could be but my mind is just too tired of everything. Love you, continue your video, you're a saver
One of the best lessons I learned reading the Dune books is that life greatest’s appeal is its uncertainty. Embrace the unknowns, try new activities and especially **meet new people**. Relationships are keys to happiness and I found that interacting with friends, family and colleagues are my greatest source of joy and inspiration when I’m feeling the worst alone. Remember you are loved and there will always be a next happy moment in your life at some point that will make the everything worth it.
Using the present tense more was a - is a great tool that I find is immediately applicable and gives my words more conviction. I do find it requires a lot of focus at first
9:38 Huh, maybe because I was a STEM major back in university and am neurodivergent, I would gravitate more toward "found" because to me it indicates that multiple studies and meta-analyses have been performed confirming a certain result. On the other hand, "finds" smells like preliminary results are being discussed and those experimental procedures need further testing before any final conclusions can be drawn. In either case, I have since learned to be quite skeptical of the "research" in general as the results cannot always be generalized to the global population, e.g. health studies only conducted in mice, or do not necessarily apply to me as population-level results do not tell you anything about applicability to individuals.
Recommendation for more sentences for part 4, while avoiding explicitly stating your fallibility: - “As far as I understand/have read” - “My understanding is that” - “I’ve found that/remember” - “From what I’ve seen” - etc
Some commented before they watched the full video, and wanted to complain about point 1 before they heard point 4. They had a counter argument before they heard the whole argument. That changed my perception on RUclips comments and listeners in general.
This makes a lot of sense. I know a lot of my hesitations and hedging comes from having a narcissistic father where any mistake I made would be scrutinised and/or punished. It is really difficult to unlearn something that helped me as a child.
I know the feeling and the coping mechanism. One thing that helped me move on is to remember that something that helped you as a child does not reflect your needs today. It is equivalent to using a diaper at 20 because "well it saved me when I was a baby" Or for a less crude example, those side-wheels you put on bikes when you're learning are probably going to hold you back later on.
Great video! I usually watch these kinds of videos and eventually forget about them, but this is a video where I actually write down the advice and stick it to my wall.
I absolutely agree with that point, and i will add that it happens for me think of people always too sure of themselves as shallow and too narrow minded to open themselves to the possibility of their certainty not being correct. Also words are not the only conveyer of information when one speaks so you can gage someone's certainty based on subtle and subconscious cue such as voice pitch, body language, body cues and smells (very subconscious), which might contrast with there words.
Then spend life being certain and keep it shut when you're not. Faith in One God helps because there is only One Book that is The Objective Truth. So whether you eat here or there becomes an easy "decision" and being a believer in absolute Truth makes you a swift decision maker and socially smart. If you are split between decisions, being a believer makes you do mental dice rolls fearlessly and walk away from consequences because you can pin it in destiny after the fact that you did your best, this is for cases such as you chose a place that gave everyone diarrhea etc.
logically, yes. But remember that humans are also psychological creatures as well. The seen comes from the unseen. For good or bad, that's up to you to decide. iPhones for example cost less than $200 to produce in China and you buy it for a heck of a lot more than that. Perception is reality.
You don’t fail to impress with your verbal and non verbal language. Your videos are on point and I just want to ask you how do you find those studies and how do you look for books on a specific topic. Of course I could just type “books on great speaking” but I wonder if you have any tips. Also I saw myself utilise some of these tactics while speaking to my friend and it looked like she really listened. Although not doing these things enough I will surely be more aware of them. Never stop posting!
I took screenshots, notes and saved this in several playlists for me to watch again. You're an awesome teacher and I hope more people would see this. I might be wrong, but an improvement could be to use a darker ink pen like black so it's easier to see the points written in texts 😊
this is a helpful video. but, i'm scared of being confident & certain. i'm terrified of being wrong. that stops me from talking in full stops & i end up using "like" & "maybe" & being so unsure of what i say, to the point of stopping mid-sentence when i answer in class (even if i'm correct about the answer).
yeah i feel you, same happens to me. I believe that this is a skill that has to be learned and practiced a lot, so that we know when and when not to use it. But the downside of this is that the more you're "absolute" about something, and the more times you're wrong, the more credibility you lose.
It a casual scenario this is all true; especially in matters of opinion. In matters of quantifiable or specific measurements, you want a specific answer that outlines the exact amount of uncertainty in an expected outcome.
uncertainty seems more trusthworthy to me, so to me certainty in many situations makes me thinkk they are overconfident and hence lacking in intelligencce, so many things are not certain.
Nah I absolutely do not trust people who speak hedgeless. I say use more hedges by default, but try to be informed enough that you don't have to rely on them. Talking to a brick wall is so much worse than talking to a boring person
This is marvelous. I was not conscious of the facts stated in this video, but I have always noticed them. Thank you! I love that you give example videos/words as well.
Nice video, but i have a question (and it seems not only me in the comments). How do you deal with being wrong? Maybe you're sure that what you're saying it true, but it ends up being false. How do you deal with this?
I've been an ESL teacher for 20 years. I've never seen my job as a conversationalist. Of course there is some small talk at the start and end of lessons but I have a lesson plan and that guides the lesson. The only times that I had to keep a conversation going during the lesson was when I hadn't planned my lesson well.
To everyone counter-arguing the first point by saying: “I would never trust anyone who speaks in absolutes all the time. Plus this is what causes most of the problems in the world - over-belief in your opinions.” - I agree with you. I wouldn’t trust someone who speaks in absolutes ALL the time - hence I purposefully included point 4: “know when to express doubt” to counter act this. (9:45)
I appreciate your counter arguments, I genuinely do, but you gotta meet a brother halfway & watch the full video for context before jumping straight to the comments to vent. 😂 (lol I’d probably do the same as you so no harm done).
Anyway, I’m asking for too much and it was my fault for not explaining what I meant by “strong opinions held loosely” further (speak with certainty when you have belief but if someone proposes a solid counter argument have the grace to accept it instantly).
Either way, thank you for your time and attention.
See you in the next one,
Lew x
1:57
I agree and most people believe they should sound confident at all times!
It makes me cringe. Perhaps it fools the young and inexperienced…don’t know.
So the point gets revised to “speak with certainty only when you are certain.”
Hmmm, never tried that one before.
The irony is that when faced with an overwhelming number of counterarguments you revise your own recommendation.
Or in other words, you spoke without hedges to appear as an expert, and now I won’t listen to anymore of your lessons because you aren’t sure if you’re right or wrong.
I’ve been told at work numerous times that I speak with ‘too much certainty’ on certain topics. Which leads people to follow my lead and not question if I’m wrong.
I was always taught to be confident in my speech but to admit when in doubt or if something is uncertain (I mean why wouldn’t you?) but the manner in which I talk apparently means people just do as I say too often 😂. An example was someone popping in from a maintenance team asking about a cable. I told them I was certain it was coiled up in a specific room, but to check with the person running the job. They never bothered to check with the person running the job and used the wrong cable - when asked they said I sounded so certain they didn’t think otherwise. Happens quite often. It’s nice that people have that much trust and faith in me - except when they don’t listen to all of what I have to say and it turns out I might be wrong and they needed to have checked with someone else better informed but they don’t.
@@HicklingStandyeah…good learning point there eh? I had to learn this. When I am the expert at something, I make sure to speak with confidence in the area I’m the expert in. However when I get into other areas I have a passable amount of knowledge, or am suggesting something to engineering, I pose as a question/suggestion.
The trick is knowing what you know and knowing what you might not know.
I rarely use “I could be wrong…” in a professional setting because I need to convey confidence. I use the phrase “depending on” to provide wiggle room for topics that ask for specifics and can change base on a number of factors and come back to hurt my reputation as an expert.
Great point- speak with certainty about the areas effecting the certainty of outcomes
As consultants speak: it depends
@@charlesnardi5750 That was a great way to put it. I was thinking the same thing but you put it so much more succinctly than I would have.
'I could be wrong, but I doubt it' T-Shirt slogan.
"With the right/certain conditions..."
"In the case of ____ it will be..."
etc etc.
I would follow someone who gives me measured uncertainty because I'm an engineer. If you don't know your hedges, then your project is going to blow up. Too much certainty in my work means you will certainly fail, and likely without learning the lesson. An inability to deal with uncertainty is a catastrophic character flaw to me.
Agreed I'd rather the facts in full than a gamble on a certain outcome
That's why nobody listens to engineers :c
yeah, personally i agree
I agree with you, but in your work people need to listen to you. This is not an everyday advice, this is advice for when you are speaking in front of people
1. The first issue that all stakeholders prioritize different goals, on the good-cheap-fast triangle. (You can pick 2 at best)
For engineers, good/safety is the main target, and (relative) certainty only comes with experience.
We have rules of thumb for safety, but these solutions are out of scope of stakeholders these days (see point 2).
2. There are wonder-sentences like "We can make it work but it will be 200% more expensive / take 3 more months".
3. Also, this stuff only comes up in meetings, so my trick is to never agree to meetings when I have no prep time. I like to ask for topics of discussion, "let's discuss X projects" is too general. When they express frustration about not jumping at their whim, you can refer to point 2.
“How way your day yesterday?”
“It is good.”
It is definitely good. lol
It continues to be excellent.
@@kuangsheng3891 For some reason I think you have a great sense of humour 😂
Sounds like piglatin when spoken outloud
😂
Pausing only works when the other people you’re talking to isn’t trying to interrupt you or is rushing to give their point.
There’s been time where I’ve been cut off from 1.5 second pauses
This has always been my issue with this. I’m a slow speaker so if I don’t use “fillers” the other person interrupts me. “I could be wrong but” these uhms, likes, etc are there to avoid that the other person starts talking over you.
@@WasabiNoise just do it your way, these are guidelines
Do you have any idea how long 1.5 seconds is in a conversation
Respond to this by interrupting them back with a "one second, if you could let me finish please"
I've been cut off from 0 second pauses.
While I understand your delivery, the true problem is that most people are not good listeners. This method removes the burden of expecting them to listen and commands them to.
Scratch that it obviously goes both ways.
Uncertainty!@@anthonypeterson5957
Exactly, I think you can not decide for people if they want to listen. But what's your job is to sound interesting as possible, so that's the responsibility you have to take ;) keep learning, cheers
You find the people that will listen to you, and the tools given in this video, help you find more people that will listen to you. If people plain and simply don't listen to you, walk on. Does not matter who it is.
Bingo! Most everyone has a short attention span and can’t be bothered to listen anymore…Just like that Missing Persons song says, “What are words for, when no one listens anymore?”
Professional yappers forget a dialogue isn’t a monologue & that humility/uncertainty is a good spice in small doses
@itromacoder3088Honestly no, with a bigggg no.
It’s important that people stop talking with certainty on things that they aren’t sure of.
If they don’t know what they’re claiming to know, it’s going to be a standard case of lemmings off a cliff.
I would go as far as saying it’s what is wrong with society today. Uncertainty is a part of life. We cannot control every aspect of a situation
If someone says something with uncertainty, it doesn’t inherently mean that what they say will be worthless. You can be directive/instructive with uncertainty too!
Instead of saying “It might rain tomorrow”, or “It will DEFINITELY rain tomorrow”, you can say “It’s really likely that it’s going to rain tomorrow”
They will know to bring an umbrella because it’s probably going to rain, but you didn’t misinform them either
@itromacoder3088I’m sure that you, like every other human being, speak about things you are uncertain of every day
@@abdallahhakeem5185Well put.
Well what if you aren't uncertain? Then adding in fake uncertainty or humility just makes you a liar, so what is worse?
@@papabird4425 Then you’re sure of it and you don’t need to talk with uncertainty.
Honestly, unless it’s backed by scientific evidence or if you’re explicitly stating your personal opinion, there’s probably going to be some level of uncertainty, but there’s ways to communicate different levels of uncertainty too
You can say “I’m 99% certain that…” or “In my extensive experience, …” or even outright “I’m sure that…” (since you outright state it’s from your perspective)
Other cases when you might want to just plainly state things is in mid-high stakes / crisis situations where you’re in charge (since you don’t want others’ doubt to misdirect people), and when addressing basic widely accepted truths
Certainty in uncertain circumstances can also be a tool for motivation and persuasion, and it is effective in its use, but this is the slippery slope in society I was talking about.
Say the dumbest things confidently enough and often enough, and people will believe you. Lemmings off a cliff.
“When you hedge, not to be confused with edge” *gives us the look 👀 *
sooo funny
Soon as i saw it i went into the comments to see if anyone noticed it too 😂🤣
criminal bombastic SIDE EYE
The vest gave it away to begin with for me lmao
Was waiting for somebody to catch this
1. Ditch the hedges (Speak with certainty)
2. Don't Hesitate (No "likes" or "uhms", chose silence in between words instead)
3. Turn pasts into presents (Speak in Present tense as opposed to past tense)
4. Know when to express doubt (Soften your statements to soften others)
2:18 This is very useful to filter out people that are incompatible. Someone who speaks in absolutes is to be regarded with suspicion, especially if they are charismatic. If they are consistently right and provide well constructed and sound reasoning, that's one thing, but if they use always or never repeatedly and eventually come up short, that's someone with whom I know not to associate. I prefer people who aim for accuracy and are dependable and reliable. People making hyperbolic claims without justification in the past have taught me to steer clear of others who communicate in this way.
Absolutely! Using absolutist language mostly demonstrates an inability to measure likelihood. The use of absolutist terms is almost always exaggerated or litotical. Examples to watch for include: always, never, everyone, all, nobody, forever, none. Better to use mostly, rarely, in my experience, frequently, hardly..
Ironically your comment only proves his point. It’s strong in conviction. That’s the point.
@@Humanity101-zp4sqyou used the word “absolutely”
@@ar7774 That's called irony.... Try to understand the content of my comment.
@@ar7774 Did you actually read the content of my comment? The point is that use of absolutist adjectives is rarely accurate and that 'but' is a word to be avoided.
- "I could be wrong, but..."
- "Yes, you are."
is how this opening or something similar usually goes for me when I speak with overly confident people. With this you're showing that you don't know what are you talking about, that you don't believe strongly enough in what you're talking about and make yourself vulnerable. If you have someone you're often arguing with or if you understand that you're arguing with an overly confident person, no amount of rhetorical tricks will help you. The best you can do is listen to the other point of view, think to yourself how wrong it is and give up, without arguing or responding.
Yes that is exactly what I was thinking! putting yourself down wont soften people up it just makes you seem less knowledgeable the exact opposite of removing the hedges
Such a situation, imo, is considerably rare even with people you're close with like family members. But even if this does arise, you can act like the bigger guy and say something like "I just want to put this across..." or you can just act like you didn't hear the other person and continue speaking. I prefer the first door
I have two thoughts on that.
First, if that person is so hyper-fixated on shutting you down, then you are facing an uphill battle. They’re not listening to understand you. They’re listening to respond and double down on their points.
Second, you should have multiple variations of that statement to match the tone of the conversation. In a more heated debate, swap out “I could be wrong” with something like “you’re going to disagree with this, but-”. This gives you a “free space” in the conversation so that if/when they do disagree, they can feel validated already as you’re making your point.
It is all about tone. You have to understand when and where it is appropriate to use these. Pick your battles wisely.
That's when you mirror their confidence- and say "alright, I was being gentle there- I KNOW FOR A FACT that this is the case and you are wrong."
@@NovusTempus-r9t or .. maybe you're wrong in this point
I had a manager at work who used very loud and sustained ‘ermmmmmms’ - compared to the volume he was speaking - to dominate the conversation, block anyone from interjection. Drove me insane when working to keep randomly hearing a loud ‘ermmmm’ out of nowhere. Worked for him, as he was able to push around people….
I'd hate that
He's violating the conversation airspace, I can imagine that is even worse if done over video calls. urmmm louder than him then say your thing, ask him nicely to behave, get him fired, resign, in that order.
Reminds me of Bill Lumbergh in the movie Office Space 😂
Yea I'd be going to a new department 😂 That sounds infuriating
Like the manager from Office Spacr 😆
The lowest stage of competence is unconscious incompetence. In science and more specifically, in healthcare, overstating confidence and using absolutes often reveals who is dangerously unaware of their competence deficits. The most competent people I know avoid absolutes, while still speaking with intention--further demonstrating they are aware of where the line falls separating the known and the unknown.
Not everything in life is about achieving maximum charisma. Though not every conversation needs to pursue the fundamental truth of the universe. Knowing when you should prioritize charisma or scientific skepticism means you'll keep your job by responsible with your language AND getting that cute guy you saw to your place because you knew how to switch gears.
@@millerrepin4452 It also depends then, on the people/person you are trying to attract. If I'm interested in someone and then find that they speak in absolutes like this, I'm immediately disinterested. I'm also not someone who's interested in casual hookups, so who the person is as an individual matters to me.
Intelligence and competence isn't everything, but to an intelligent person who values having a matched partner (with high EQ and IQ), speaking in absolutes could repel them. Not only does it suggest incompetence, but also, emotionally, speaking in absolutes shows black and white thinking, which can show emotional wounding and unresolved trauma. Often, it shows dysregulation, and a person who is more easily pushed out of their window of tolerance. Think of the times you remember someone upset, saying, "you ALWAYS do X" or "You NEVER act like you care about me." That is a person with a triggered nervous system who's prefrontal cortex (logic brain) is shut off, and until their amygdala quiets, they won't be able to effectively problem solve or better understand the situation or person in front of them. They need to feel seen and safe first. People who speak in absolutes when calm, IMO, are ignorant, manipulative, or are already treading the line of dysregulation throughout the day, and I'd expect that tendency to see the world through absolutes to heighten when under distress, which will make connection and relational repair even more difficult.
My guess is that you and I align with valuing being flexible, and everyone will draw that line differently. Being more loose with word choice can be fun. And sometimes making a dramatic statement can have a playful effect. But the examples given in this video would make me disengage. Maybe other people would like it. Different folks, different strokes.
I notice my wife tends to use words like "always" and "never" when she is unhappy. It just makes me think she is deluded and has a bad grasp on reality.
@@lefthookouchmcarm4520 In this case it sounds like the certainty is coming from an emotional place. She knows how she feels about something. Judgement will create an argument because you will try to solve the practical problem while her behavior is trying to explain (poorly) that she is emotionally off balanced.
It's great that you noticed that, use it as a sign to address her emotional distress first before you attempt to solve any practical problems.
@@lefthookouchmcarm4520 Definitely sounds like she's upset and struggling; but there's not enough info here for me to have a more detailed opinion. Generally, people who have survived traumatic events find some kind of comfort in black and white thinking; grey is too nuanced and confusing--and mind seeking safety in panic mode doesn't usually have the capacity for evaluating and interpreting nuance. Idk your wife, or the situations you've mentioned, but couple's counseling could be helpful. And/or individual counseling. It's probably quite a bit deeper and more nuanced than either of you realize. Relationships are hard, and messy.
Counter perspective: speaking without hedges can make you sound arrogant and/or stupid, which will make people listen to you less.
This! I have a very hard time trusting anyone who speaks in absolutes
I just read an article about this. "Having a few strong opinions held strongly with the foundation to do so, and meet everything else with curiosity."
I tend to hold strong opinions loosely, but in my experience and from talking with people, it doesn't work out in the long term. If you speak in absolutes, people will start doubting everything you say.
Agreed - I think about times I've heard someone with a forceful personality (think: the Andrew Tates of the world) - I instinctively know not to trust them based on how they speak with absolutely no wiggle room or margin for the in-between. Super interesting video tho.
You didn’t listen to point 4
@@dhmillo you’re right, I didn’t! Good thing he addressed that.
The best advice I ever got from a board member at my startup was: “make declarative statements”. It’s the best career advice I’ve ever received.
As a lawyer we're actually trained to use what you term "hedges" on the basis that no state of fact can be assumed prior to the fact. It's quite hard to break the habit in normal conversation. Along with the classic "never ask a question to which you don't already know the answer." Makes cocktail parties a bit of a nightmare
I guess it's contextual
The best way to get people to want to listen to you is to genuinely listen to them
I wish this were true. I pride myself on being a good listener but it doesn’t stop people from: (1) interrupting me. (2) being distracted when I speak (3) not showing interest in what I have to say (4) clearly just waiting for their turn to talk (5) not engaging my topic, rather just move on to their topic. This is why I am hoping to get some value from this video. I refuse to speak in absolutes though (this sentence being an exception 😂). “Only the sith speak in absolutes”.
still they do not give a shit what to do
@@learningisfun2108 I'd recommend reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie
Dale Carnige is fine but they also need to know about you
Nope.
No one KNOWS it will definitely rain tomorrow. If I heard someone say that, I’d think to myself, “another know-it-all.”
Lmao ok. Have fun getting drenched then!
This is, with no exaggeration, the best RUclips video I’ve watched this month. Thank you.
I only speak to people if it's absolutely necessary.
I absolutely love listening to myself speak.
These points absolutely work.
When I speak to myself, I always listen.
Dude insanely good at explaining communication you put it into real life perspective with your examples and show how simple it really can be. Putting things like this into practice can be hard but when you give actual sentences to use it really helps it’s not something communication channels typically do.
It’s a question of intelligence and level of knowledge in a field, and I say this with no value judgment:
Lower intelligent people need more certainty
Higher intelligent people need more nuanced expression
a story should always be told as if it's in the present. it really takes the listener there.
Sir Lewis owner of the kingdom of Newels of Knowledge in the lands of RUclips i write this letter to express my profound and great thanks for the splendid and magnificent teachings you give to your people here. Mantain such a good manner and effort in your lessons in forms of audio-visual content and you shall flourish.
@@mandimbatop7348 I wish, I just wish you could see my face laughing my ass off at this right now hahahaha but back to formalities! My king. I thank thou for thy blessings upon my direction. May thy continue forth with thy positive outpourings of amorous joy.
This is being Victorian era
@@kirankriyon Medieval.
Sire!
@@NewelOfKnowledge shave everything else except the mustache. It is good
0:19 How to speak so people want to listen. Have a mesmerizing accent. 😮
U mean not be British
Solid points! I personally prefer using the statement “I could be mistaken” to “I could be wrong”, because invoking the word ‘wrong’ includes potential suggestion of being morally wrong. Such a move includes the risk of the other side seeing themselves as wrong if their position is shown to be faulty, given that that’s the term put on the table
Please remember there are people who are pushed away by overt and permanent confidence. Some people are gonna see you be wrong in your confident statements again and again and lose respect over time. But it is definitely good to not speak with hedges all the time, because then people will see you as a pushover.
exactly. I have a friend that lost all credibility to me. He always give assertive answered even know he doesn't even understand the question...
exactly.
the point is to be confident when you know what you're talking about, and this carries over into situations that don't necessarily have a "right" or "wrong." having more confidence when telling a story from personal experience, for instance, keeps all eyes on you and all ears on your words, which i'm sure is the main focus here. it's less a matter of making yourself seem credible, and moreso a matter of being engaging and refreshing to listen to.
The first counterargument comes into my head is "you may lose your honesty and humbling" while practising this kind of concise speaking. But there is not necessity between those situations. It is obvious that if you care about those you need to refine your words more and more. Yes, it is harder. But think about the reverse way, when you apply this well founded speech your thoughts also become well founded. I'm sure all of us feel the pain of uncertainty in real life, resulting in stress.
Also I am not expecting that there are these many uncertainties embedded into my language. There is a motivation rise in my chest to learn grammar more. Becase I know the true meaning of grammar is "protect the language from the wrong and fallacy".
You're my new favorite antidote to all the insecure toxic role models on RUclips. Keep it up, you are appreciated. Thank you!
I enjoy using hedges. It allows for a communal building of the idea of the “thing”. Be it a project, an idea, whatever. It helps to bring in other peoples perspectives. It also helps to remind me that I don’t know everything. Not even close.
In this case you didn't hedge one bit which lets me dissagree with you, this helps for a better discussion as I wouldn't know what to do with "maybe I kinda enjoy hedges". Now you feel dissagreed with and defend from your POV as we test 2 different ideas against each other leaving with some agreement and some dissagreement instead of starting both kind of in the middle just kind of agreeing about nothing...
Point #1 speaks on why politicians and the media love to lie to us instead of giving measured reason. So I don't agree, I hate when people talk like that.
Okay. Saw the end of the video. I get it, but I wish more people spoke like option 4 more frequently.
When looking at your original viewpoint, I agree with him that there are definitely times where people overuse “hedges” in their speaking patterns.
They do it cause it works
As a scientist, I'd be laughed out of my career if I spoke in absolutes like he's suggesting. Ugh. I never use absolutes!!! (Well, maybe that one time).
@TheLovelyEnigma You missed the ironic joke. "I never use absolutes" is itself an absolute statement.
I like this guy. He's good and doesn't swear
It is true that people with salty tongues are more likely to speak truth though.
im ngl a large part of why im engaged by your speaking is your cool accent
Hi Lewis, thank you for these videos . At 62 years old, I still have a lot to learn. I wish I had seen them years ago. I am looking forward to trying some of this when I next do a presentation.
I learned that discipline has a lot to do with self-care. So by saying "stay disciplined" I hear you say "take care". Very kind of you. Thanks. 🙏
I feel like I'm here for affirmation but then again I'm always learning no matter what. That "ahh" moment.
I was an English tutor for three years, which basically means I was a professional conversationalist-or, as I like to call it, a 'paid small talk survivor.' You know, my job was to keep the conversation going, but after three years, I realized something shocking: most people are boring. Yeah, news flash! I mean, when you're getting paid to listen and you still want to fake a bad connection, you know it's rough. But don’t worry, I’ve got tips to make sure people actually want to listen to you. And trust me, if you’re paying someone to listen to you talk, maybe start with 'ditch the hedges'-because 'maybe' your conversation isn’t as fascinating as you think!
As an engineer this goes against all of the wiring in my brain. I’m in sales now and it’s a VERY fine line between covering my ass on my claims and being absolute in order to instill confidence in my products.
Good comment
I do sales as well and it's interesting
His tutorial is so effective that I keep on listening on him
Ngl, I like this format better than just you speaking to a mic.
When you forget character’s name and/or make some silly mistakes it make you feels more human and relatable.
It’s psychological thing and hopefully you get more recognition with this format ❤
Be comfortable in our own skin, and use all these skills. Works like a charm. Thanks mate
This video (whiteboard, no edits, same camera angle, cheap production) is what youtube was made for.
Well done, i learnt something!
‘Learned’. Now you learned two things! Lol😅
No, both "learnt" and "learned" are correct. @@x51DonGoddard
I mean this was still edited but it wasn’t jarring :)
@@x51DonGoddard Learnt is the standard spelling in British English. While in America is learned.
Summary:
(1) Ditch the hedges (speak in absolutes, at the right time)
(2) Don't hesitate (don't use filler sounds/ filler words)
(3) During description, try turning past into present tense
(4) Know when to express doubt (don't be too rigid)
My takeaway:
I'm going to follow (1) when expressing what I want, but not generally when stating what i think about something. I don't always want to have an opinion on everything or seem like I have everything figured out. I don't. But i do want to be clear on what I want and where my boundaries are.
(2-4) is generally good advice.
That said, most advice can be taken too far.
Watched the video until the end because I had the INTEREST to do so. We can definitely increase the chances of people to listen to us however it all comes down to whether or not they’re WILLING to do so, i.e, if they’re INTERESTED. 😭✨
3:15 be careful about what you’re willing to say but say what you say and say it without reservation once you’ve decided to say it
Trust me, I know what I am talking about and I am always wrong!... thanks for teaching me to speak with certainty
Great practical tips, one of the best videos I've learnt from on RUclips. Calm, no ego, succinct, objective, conversational frequency is spot on - to name a few!
the certainty he speaks with shows his ego well enough.
To all the folks debating, I feel this advice is best employed in a professional/formal setting, and I think that's the point. You're obviously not going to engage with your friends at the pub in such a serious manner, but in a work meeting, discussion, first date? I can see how these points would be invaluable 👍
I think the uncertainty vs speaking in absolutes issue needs to be differentiated depending on the importance and complexity of the situation. If it's not important and trivial and you are full of uncertainty you may come off as annoying. If it's important and complex and you are implying you know for sure it could make some critical thinking people doubt your actual competence. At least that's my take on it ;)
it is apparent that his conversation skills are excellent, since he is able to hold the vieweer's attention by speaking without any b rolls, cinematic clips and etc.
1:58 wtf was that
Sweet comedy
It was a joke referencing the 2016 Samsung Galaxy S7 Edge Android smartphone
@@Dtchmastrkilla7 I thought it was in reference to the act of massaging ones sexual organ/s to the point of almost climaxing and staying at that point for an extended period of time... But you're probably right it makes more sense for him to be referencing the 2016 Samsung galaxy S7 edge android smartphone
🤣🤣🤣
He caught me off guard…
Some kind of browser
Bear in mind character also plays a role in how people respond to you, so a person who is loud mouthed, talks a lot and expands his speech would resonate bad character.
On the other hand, a person who can choose the least amount of words (without profanity) to explain or pass on knowledge resonates wisdom and good character.
One of my favorite variants on the "I could be wrong but..." is this; "Now, I am not entirely sold on this idea myself, but...."
I like the fact that these signal to the other person that you are open to having your mind changed, and often they will end up doing the same.
I find the following to be so much better: “As far as I understand, …”
Doesn’t apply in all situations, but it is a very helpful rhetorical ‘trick’. If you turn out to be wrong, then it could be your own misunderstanding * or * unclarity in the source of your information.
With “I could be wrong” and even with your suggestion, the reader likely assumes the misunderstanding is yours.
@@NateLevin ah, yours does have the ring of a bit more confidence. I like it.
What I hear as the overall message of this video is…
“Don’t get in the way of the message.”
Let it stand on its own and have other people decide with it.
If we are too hesitant, we pollute it with ourselves.
If we are too certain, we pollute it with ourselves.
If we state it in a way that is separated from us, it can be considered.
“I could be wrong” is a way to detach from it while not getting too cloudy by being overly hesitant.
I’m loving the whiteboard videos!
I could be wrong... This video is definitely great. Everyone with a mouth should watch it again and again.
The slower pace of your speech toward the end of the video gives the audience comfort to follow along until the end. I could be wrong, but it seems you utilized people’s attention span by speaking faster at the beginning. That’s serious accessibility-great work!
His way of speaking works only on RUclips or in a classroom. His style is exhausting in person. Very unnatural.
This is the only video I have watched on this subject all the way through.
That is because you are so nice to watch speak. You are definitely good-looking, and it will definitely not rain today. 😊
This teacher is such an interesting person, his way of dress is not boring or ordinary, it's laid back and classic, great points.
1:42
- It will definitely rain tomorrow 😎
- Tomorrow: 30 degrees and not a single cloud 😃
Really a great video, but what I’ve learned in life is that this works only with people that don’t know you, or what you achieved.
High intelligence people are what you describe as hesitant, but they are unpredictably the people we love to listen.
So yeah, great advice, lovely video, but of course carisma is not a thing you can choose to have, you just have it or not, we can see this with many actors interviews 🎉
We are humans at the end of the story, and humans just LOVE stories, we love people that “Knows” stuff, becouse we love “learning” so just a thing I would suggest is not “Pretending” to know what you are saying, but actually know it
@@Dielrecording some people definitely believe they know everything and do not love learning.
This will work i think -> provides your opinion and shows the listener you're willing to listen to other options.
This will work -> Im sure and my decision is made without further discussion
“Not to be confused with edge….
👀”
Bro was edgemaxing 🗿
edging or the edge from U2
I'm undeniably grateful for RUclips algorithm Gods for suggesting me your channel! It feels so refreshing 😁
Your method must work. Because I had no reason to watch this randomly at 1:30 am. But it was fun to listen too lol
I have been watching your videos recently and when watching this one I thought to myself, “ man I’m falling in love with this man” to when I suddenly hear you say my name “Paula, this isn’t a dig at you” 😮 about hesitation
7:24 Yes, I agree with this. Pauses help us not only gather our thoughts but also allow us to become as tense as we try to rush through what we're saying. That way we can remain more collected and calm as we speak in public.
2:00 bombastic side eyes you give in your videos are the cherry on top of the great content
Man is fast becoming a national treasure
I will implement pausing into my work practice. I do not want to be wrong, so I use hedges, as you've clarified. This will be an active practice and feels like "giving myself a backbone," despite having experienced people who speak as if what they're saying is a fact and then found to be wrong. That is my hesitation!
Can you make a video about how to more appreciate life ?
I try to repair myself after many years and even though I worked hard on it, I fall down again and again at a point where I just can't take it anymore and I just want to be happy with what I have and be more focused on what I could be but my mind is just too tired of everything.
Love you, continue your video, you're a saver
One of the best lessons I learned reading the Dune books is that life greatest’s appeal is its uncertainty. Embrace the unknowns, try new activities and especially **meet new people**.
Relationships are keys to happiness and I found that interacting with friends, family and colleagues are my greatest source of joy and inspiration when I’m feeling the worst alone.
Remember you are loved and there will always be a next happy moment in your life at some point that will make the everything worth it.
Jesus loves and forgives you unconditionally. God has a plan for you. Focus on God
It's extremely difficult to get someone to listen for 13 minutes, but he did indeed speak, and I listened the entire time.
I love English Shia LaBeouf, new favorite RUclipsr!
Using the present tense more was a -
is a great tool that I find is immediately applicable and gives my words more conviction.
I do find it requires a lot of focus at first
9:38 Huh, maybe because I was a STEM major back in university and am neurodivergent, I would gravitate more toward "found" because to me it indicates that multiple studies and meta-analyses have been performed confirming a certain result. On the other hand, "finds" smells like preliminary results are being discussed and those experimental procedures need further testing before any final conclusions can be drawn. In either case, I have since learned to be quite skeptical of the "research" in general as the results cannot always be generalized to the global population, e.g. health studies only conducted in mice, or do not necessarily apply to me as population-level results do not tell you anything about applicability to individuals.
Recommendation for more sentences for part 4, while avoiding explicitly stating your fallibility:
- “As far as I understand/have read”
- “My understanding is that”
- “I’ve found that/remember”
- “From what I’ve seen”
- etc
We're evolving speech with this one.
🗣️ 🔥
+ 50 charisma lol
I don't like you
Some commented before they watched the full video, and wanted to complain about point 1 before they heard point 4. They had a counter argument before they heard the whole argument. That changed my perception on RUclips comments and listeners in general.
Thanks for being the 1% of those who realised the counter-balance between the 2. I appreciate you.
This makes a lot of sense. I know a lot of my hesitations and hedging comes from having a narcissistic father where any mistake I made would be scrutinised and/or punished. It is really difficult to unlearn something that helped me as a child.
you may want to change the wording (neurolinguistic programming) on this last phrase.
I know the feeling and the coping mechanism.
One thing that helped me move on is to remember that something that helped you as a child does not reflect your needs today.
It is equivalent to using a diaper at 20 because "well it saved me when I was a baby"
Or for a less crude example, those side-wheels you put on bikes when you're learning are probably going to hold you back later on.
Great video! I usually watch these kinds of videos and eventually forget about them, but this is a video where I actually write down the advice and stick it to my wall.
But it sounds to me dishonest if I say things with certainty when they're not objectively and subjectively certain
interesting take, i agree. i would love to hear his rebuttal to this response
I absolutely agree with that point, and i will add that it happens for me think of people always too sure of themselves as shallow and too narrow minded to open themselves to the possibility of their certainty not being correct.
Also words are not the only conveyer of information when one speaks so you can gage someone's certainty based on subtle and subconscious cue such as voice pitch, body language, body cues and smells (very subconscious), which might contrast with there words.
The trick is to convey certainty of your uncertainty, I think.
Then spend life being certain and keep it shut when you're not. Faith in One God helps because there is only One Book that is The Objective Truth. So whether you eat here or there becomes an easy "decision" and being a believer in absolute Truth makes you a swift decision maker and socially smart. If you are split between decisions, being a believer makes you do mental dice rolls fearlessly and walk away from consequences because you can pin it in destiny after the fact that you did your best, this is for cases such as you chose a place that gave everyone diarrhea etc.
logically, yes. But remember that humans are also psychological creatures as well. The seen comes from the unseen. For good or bad, that's up to you to decide.
iPhones for example cost less than $200 to produce in China and you buy it for a heck of a lot more than that.
Perception is reality.
jezz I just discovered this channel and I´m blown away of how he conveys an idea and makes it so easy to understand
You don’t fail to impress with your verbal and non verbal language. Your videos are on point and I just want to ask you how do you find those studies and how do you look for books on a specific topic. Of course I could just type “books on great speaking” but I wonder if you have any tips. Also I saw myself utilise some of these tactics while speaking to my friend and it looked like she really listened. Although not doing these things enough I will surely be more aware of them. Never stop posting!
I will teach number 2 to my students in primary school and apply it to my own way of speaking. Thank you :)
1:16 Old Gregg has entered the chat.
YES
Do yah love me?
Pleased to meetcha
That made me laugh out loud
I took screenshots, notes and saved this in several playlists for me to watch again. You're an awesome teacher and I hope more people would see this. I might be wrong, but an improvement could be to use a darker ink pen like black so it's easier to see the points written in texts 😊
this is a helpful video.
but, i'm scared of being confident & certain. i'm terrified of being wrong.
that stops me from talking in full stops & i end up using "like" & "maybe" & being so unsure of what i say, to the point of stopping mid-sentence when i answer in class (even if i'm correct about the answer).
yeah i feel you, same happens to me. I believe that this is a skill that has to be learned and practiced a lot, so that we know when and when not to use it. But the downside of this is that the more you're "absolute" about something, and the more times you're wrong, the more credibility you lose.
Your 9 total combined hours of drawing really nail the strategies home, thank you Newel
Hopefully my drawing has improved 12:55😅 where is the certainty
Point 4 answers your question
It a casual scenario this is all true; especially in matters of opinion. In matters of quantifiable or specific measurements, you want a specific answer that outlines the exact amount of uncertainty in an expected outcome.
uncertainty seems more trusthworthy to me, so to me certainty in many situations makes me thinkk they are overconfident and hence lacking in intelligencce, so many things are not certain.
So what I learned from this that’s a really cool magical red eraser that stays wherever you leave it and constantly draws my attention!
Nah I absolutely do not trust people who speak hedgeless. I say use more hedges by default, but try to be informed enough that you don't have to rely on them. Talking to a brick wall is so much worse than talking to a boring person
Your one if the only self help RUclipsr that actually knows what their talking about
What if i say "it will definitely rain tmr" And nothing happens my aura will be lost, sometimes hedges makes us sonic the hedgehog
You thought wrong. It’s ok. Life moves on. Enjoy the sunny day!
Love this haha@@danmurad8080
Say “i heard that it will definitely rain tomorrow” so you can have both the certainty and the option to blame someone else if wrong.
@@brittybee6615 why would anyone even remember what i said anyways
@@brittybee6615 Plausible deniability
I’m watching this to help with my guitar improvisation. Thank you.
Love games? *music starts playing*
do you love me?
This is marvelous. I was not conscious of the facts stated in this video, but I have always noticed them. Thank you! I love that you give example videos/words as well.
Nice video, but i have a question (and it seems not only me in the comments). How do you deal with being wrong?
Maybe you're sure that what you're saying it true, but it ends up being false. How do you deal with this?
Shift responsibility. Instead of saying "it will definitely rain tomorrow", say "the weather forecast for tomorrow is that it will definitely rain"
I've been an ESL teacher for 20 years. I've never seen my job as a conversationalist. Of course there is some small talk at the start and end of lessons but I have a lesson plan and that guides the lesson. The only times that I had to keep a conversation going during the lesson was when I hadn't planned my lesson well.