Addressing 5 criticisms to the video: (And apologies for spelling ‘criticising’ wrong in point 1 - I left it up so I could spew in the discomfort of my perfectionism as an attempt to stop being a perfectionist. Fuck it we ball.) Criticism 1: 1.) "If all of these behaviours are "toxic" then what are we meant to say? Just stand there and be silent?" Response 1: - It's not for me to say what you want or value in your relationships, but if what you want is to better support those you care about and to permit others to grow in your presence, then not doing these 12 things will help you do so. - And the last time I checked "just stand there and be silent" is called listening. And that's usually what you do when someone you care about is talking or venting. - Finally, throughout the video I give many examples of what you could say (10:28). Criticism 2: 2.) "This is just a woke conversation." Response 2: - Fuck woke culture. I hate it. Walking on egg shells around people for fear of offending them. Sod that for a laugh. - So not doing these 12 things doesn't mean you tone down your authentic voice in conversations and don't say things you want to - this does more harm than good. If you want to voice an opinion, voice it. I have plenty of videos on how to do that. Criticism 3: 3.) "Sometimes giving people advice is good + I know countless people who have been helped by reassurance." Response 3: - I agree. There have been numerous times throughout my life when someone has reassured me or given me advice and it's helped. - But ask people if they want your advice before you give it. - And only reassure people after they've emotionally vented - this way you avoid signalling "stop feeling what you're feeling." Criticism 4: 4.) "Jheese, modern conversations are so hard. It seems no matter what we do we'll always put a foot wrong." Response 4: - The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979. - We're not perfect. Our social skills will never be flawless. We're going to do these 12 things countless times throughout our lives (17:48). But the less the better if what we want is to better support and connect with others. Criticism 5: 5.) "Dude, you're moralising us about not moralising other people. And you're giving us advice on not giving other people advice." Response 5: - The difference between a real life conversation and a youtube video is that at any point you can turn the youtube video off. So I'm not giving you advice, I'm suggesting things that you have the choice to listen to or not. Don't like what I'm saying? Shut my annoying moustached bald ass up by turning off the video. - Regarding me moralising you about not moralising other people, this will sound like the biggest cop out ever, but sometimes information needs to be delivered in a paradoxical way. It's a contradiction yes, but how else could I have delivered the message? (if you have an idea, I'd love to hear it). Thank you for your time and attention. I'm happy to hear any counter arguments you have to these below. Lewis
Good video, Lewis! I appreciate your answers to the (possible) criticisms. When I read your statement, "The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979," I had to giggle, I was about your age in 1979. I'm still learning, and trying to grow. I find that to keep up with how the culture around me is changing, I need to listen more to (much) younger people. :-)
Would it be alright to ask for the title of the book from 1979 please? You've done an excellent job of synthesizing it to video form - I thoroughly enjoyed the depth and brevity of each point. However, I would like to read further on this topic. Thank you so much.
This just shows that a perfect empathetic listener is an empty bottle. I doubt you will have time but just posted my 1st video on my midlife crisis please give me advice about my toxic behaviour. Oh no you cannot do that (advice?)
@@ManjeetKour-nu1zq as I understand it, ‘mantra’ is Sanskrit and Hindi, used in Hinduism, while ‘mantar’ is Punjabi or Urdu, as used in Sikhi. From your name I assume you are Sikh? Are both correct?
@@Fredreegz mantar is used in hindi and sanskrit mostly Western and Britishers added 'a' like Shiva it's shiv in hindi Deva it's dev in hindi and sanskrit and dharma it's dharm all of these are used in bhagvat gita the utmost hindu scripture britishers used 'a' after hindi because it was dificult to pronounce south indian still use it because hindi is not known there for them they using A after hindi terms is cool but it's just the English term of hindi sentences and yes I am a sikh
@@ManjeetKour-nu1zq I assumed that as classical Sanskrit developed into Prakrit languages words and sounds changed slightly, and some final vowels were lost. Similar changes have taken place in the development of Persian/Farsi and in European languages. I thought modern Indian languages like Hindi or Punjabi dropped these old Sanskrit final vowels. Like ‘rām/rāma/ is just written राम rather than राम् with a viraam?
In my journey through studying to become a psychotherapist I heard an excellent line. "You go to your friends to be listened too, and all you get is advice. You go to your therapist for advice, and all you get is listened too."
@dimitristripakis7364 yeah sure being non-verbal till the point that people think I'm crazy and getting threatened to send to another school not being able to keep friendships or any ships in general wow what a great thing 😀
I don’t think not talking is the answer, it’s about not getting personal but be aware there’s nothing in that person that isn’t in you as we’re all reflections of each other
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I didn't learn how to communicate my feelings or how to listen when other people communicate theirs. I still struggle with difficult conversations and conflict avoidance. I'm now 64 and still learning. Thank you, Lewis, for your help.
@@jessicagreen1876 the process is made more difficult if we're not given the correct tools when we're children and many of us don't even realise how unprepared we are. It's never too late to start the journey. 🙂
You may benefit from "Nonviolent Communication". I am reading right now about connecting compassionately with ourselves so our inner dialogue is not so self critical.
I teach public school. Sometimes children share with me very personal things. I often just say, "That sounds so difficult, thank you for telling me what's going on." Sometimes I really don't know what else to say, but that seems to be helpful, without interfering in their sharing.
I had a 5th grade teacher who I remember sat with me on at least one occasion (possibly more) and listened to me tell her about my older brother who’d first spent a year in Vietnam, was shot, recovered and best as I can recall he went back. Then he signed up again and was stationed in the USA. During the USA station he had to defend his life by taking someone else’s during an attack on him. He went on trial and was acquitted. My mother was gone out of state, to be there for his trial. Etc. And this teacher sat with me, I guess must have been during the latter part of our lunch hour. I can remember going into a lot of detail and how interested she seemed. It must have helped me a lot. I can’t recall anything she might have said. She was was very pretty, ladylike, young, and had manners. I still remember her high hairdo, done up on top of her head. Always thought it looked so nice. She was the only adult who really listened to me to that extent.
@@tommyshanks4198people often go to their friends to have someone to listen, not implicitly asking advice. But when people go to customer service, even if they actually want to just vent, the cultural expectation is solutions, explanations, and compensation. So one style of listening does not work well for both teachers and customer service
This one echoed in me as well. Even though I do not say it to people, I am always secretly diagnosing and making psychological evaluations about them in my head. It is a complete barrier that I put between me and the other person.
@@Juanah92Unless you are a trained psychologist, you can't make psychological evaluations. What you actually do is a comparison between other people's opinions and yours. It is called judgement. Someone who do not agree with your ideas or beliefs (right or wrong) you discard. You just do what human beings have done for milennia, but using contemporary filters. The problem in the West is that religion was substituted by ideologies, which are the same but do not require to believe in a supreme being. Now, these ideologies accomodate to the will of the people in power. They take the young generations and make them believe whatever suits the purpose of this power. These ideologies are your filters and they influence your judgement. If these ideologies become who you are, you become a fanatic, that repeats like a parrot the teachings received...until you get life experience enough to see out of your tunnel vision. Real knowledge comes from observing real life as it unfolds, not from someone so young, as the author of this video, that only repeats and racionalises the ideology he's been tought.
I've had multiple therapists and I've left therapists before for jumping too quickly to diagnosing rather than asking questions to understand the issue. It's even less appropriate to diagnose in everyday situations... but sometimes it can be hard to avoid speculating internally
How so? If that were true, then a medical professional diagnosing your disease won't listen to anything you're telling them afterwards? Maybe adjusting their diagnosis if needed?
He's right, for those of us who study psychology, it is hard not to diagnose people, but we must avoid it because it's not our place and no one likes it
I was talking to a woman from Bumble the other day. Very early in the conversation she said "Are you OCD?" I told her that was a very unusual question, to begin with, a person cannot be a disorder If this is the kind of thinking they're promoting in classrooms, I would say they're not really teaching psychology. Her social error clearly demonstrated that she didn't know fundamental things about relating to people, which means that she likely doesn't understand people. I don't know what to call that, but I wouldn't call it psychology
@@TheParadiseParadoxpeople want to put you in a box within 5 minutes of starting a conversation. It sucks. Don't label people! But not doing so takes work and most of us are guilty of being lazy conversationalists.
Labeling people really hit home for me. I made this HUGE mistake with my son. I thought that I was being a good mother by reminding him how smart he was daily. I thought this was an encouraging statement, but I am afraid it made him fearful of failure. He is a grown now, with a career that did not require formal training or education in which he could have easily accomplished. I am deeply proud of him in every way. He is an outstanding person on every level, but I feel that by labeling him "smart" I may have stunted his educational dreams.
I felt this growing up. I didnt want to fail my label and it made me stop trying hard things for fear of failure. With my kids i try to avoid that and just praise them with their efforts, something they can control instead.
As a now middle aged person who was told how smart they are from my first dat at school to my graduation in highschool, to then fail miserably in university due to expectations and never having had to actually study, I very much relate to this. In the end, I managed to land a good job and self-teach me the skills I needed as I went along but that gnawing fear of failure has never left me. 'being smart' was what I felt my identity was in familial circles and it was suffocating to then not know something or fail at an 'intellectual' task.
This is me and my relationship with beauty. My mum was so amid on my looks, put me into beauty contests, and my family in Asia were obsessed with my light skin and making sure I stayed in shape. I know they meant well, but I’ve grown up to be deeply insecure and thinking that beauty is the only thing I have. Without it, I sometimes feel like I offer nothing to the table.
This is why I only talk to my dogs, they are so agreeable and understanding, always provide the right advice, which is normally, keep your mouth shut, she’s right!
I can resonate with needing a slap in the past but my friends were all supportive and understanding which only resulted in me taking way longer to get out of a situation than it should’ve
I have a friend that told me, specifically, that she just wants me to listen and not offer advice. Problem with that is now I'm expected to sit there and listen to her complain about her life. I'm getting nothing out of it. I'm not her therapist. I'm not getting paid to spend my time just listening to someone complain about a relationship that, from the outside, seems to be a supportive and generally safe and good marriage. It's ruined the friendship for me and I avoid hanging out now. So... the person on the other side of the conversation needs to own their part in how things are going.
@@AnnaCatherineB I get that, but it feels a little weird to set a boundary on the boundary that she set on me 🤦♀️ In many other ways I feel like maybe we just aren't a great match - that I was always putting in more. She was a friend for a season of my life, and I hope to keep things in the realm of good acquaintances, but she's never really supported me through tough things and I'm no longer pursuing a close friendship with this person. I'll enjoy seeing her out and about, but I'm not inviting her to coffee or outings anymore. I've also found that speaking boundaries to some people only gives them a challenge to push. Sometimes the best boundaries come with actions, not words.
i used to do this to my friend, and she sometimes vent to me too. and it really broke apart our friendship, she blocked me for 6 months before we make it up again. since then i never vent to anyone, i understand how exhausting it is to listen to someone's problem over and over again. it's only okay to vent to someone once in a while
You're not alone on this, it's only ok if they don't vent about issues often. Otherwise it can become a major drain, to the point it can become disruptive and cause stress just hearing about it.
14:20 there's a fourth reason - they're trying to relate to the person talking. More common with certain neurodivergency. Although pointing out that there's no one size fits all for social dynamics is boilerplate, I feel compelled to bring this one up since it's affected people i care about plenty of times.
Diversion is actually a phenomenal tool to gauge how much your partner wants to talk with you. Let's take the shed example. You meet someone. Completely new person. You know nothing about each other. The shed comes up. If you don't use diversion, then you will just end up asking question after question, hoping the the other party will find something to ask you about. If they can't, then the conversation will stall. But let's see the other scenario. You can add that you have 2 sheds before asking them about their shed. This is basicly a perfect setup. Once they finish exaplaining their shed they should ask you about your shed. If they don't, then that's a pretty clear indicator that they don't care about you enough. Or did not pay attention. If they did pay attention and are interested in conversing with you, the fact that you have 2 sheds will give them the very easy "And what about you" question. After that you can go back and forth on a various topics. It can help both people in a conversation. Of coursey excessive use of diversion is not good, but when it's good, it's indispensible.
Ever since i found your channel, my life has changed for the best. I'm now more socially adept, and the credit goes to you. I talk to people more often and have let go of my fear of starting conversations with new people. Thank you so much man, i'm extremely grateful
Ah man, this is what makes it all worthwhile! I’m glad to hear that comrade :) keep up the good work! I’m proud of you. Ps. Ignore the negative comment above us 💪🏻
@@bojohannesen4352someone could absolutely take the tips from this channel and improve their social skills. then they’ll have better social interactions causing them to seek them out more often. after some time this improves their quality of life. why do u assume this commenter didn’t do that??
It's a thin ice, this topic, because each of these things can be done healthily, and toxically. For example, the threatening: you could hold the relationship hostage like you ilustrated, or you could set a boundary, saying: "If you continue to behave this way, I'll feel unloved and disrespected." and it still could be considered a threatening manipulation/conditional love. At the end of it, it boils down to how mature the person you're talking to is.
Or it comes to how able you are to control your desire. If you can't be with that person without resorting to little threats or blackmails, then the most honest option is go separate ways or reduce interaction to a level that it does not require resorting to manipulation.
@@carloscabrera1912 A valid point, although I was trying to illustrate how what people perceive is outside of our hands. Interpretation is left to the listener, even if you communicate in a way that's widely considered to be healthy(setting a boundary). Therefore this video should be taken with a grain of salt.
This is what I was just thinking !!💖the great thing though about conversations and humans is that there are different ideas and opinions on how we work. The way you treat one person and or how you act with someone ) changes : elders, best friends, kids and strangers💖
reading comprehension is a must. lol i read your comment and for some reason i read it without the "not" in the sentence. it ended up reading "it feels nice to know that I'm doing everything wrong in social situations" and I'm here being like "oh wow, here's a unique person with unusual thoughts, maybe i should ask for clarification on what they mean! are they joking or being serious?" then I reread your comment and finally saw the "not" in there... *ahem*... I'm glad you got some reassurance on your current methods of communication.
Point 10 Diverting. Autistic people get accused of doing this, but the motivation is very different from what was described here. From an Autistic perspective, the purpose of mentioning one’s own similar experience is to provide credentials, with the intention of letting the person know that they understand and may have experiential insight into the person’s issue so that the person can feel safe opening up about their experience, and perhaps learn from each other’s perspectives. The idea of making themselves the centre of attention or talking about themselves to make the subject about themselves is anathema to Autistic people in most instances. There is no wish to engage in any kind of one-upmanship as described here. The purpose is to relate and be relatable. It’s more like, “Oh, I’ve had a similar experience, here’s an example as evidence of that, you are safe talking to me because I won’t judge you negatively because that would be hypocritical”, rather than “My experience is worse than yours, you should listen to me instead”.
Yeah, this explains why I have such impossibly high standards for myself. i give too much advice and hold myself to it too because I don't want to be a hypocrite
12:34 sharing experience is a form of advice, nothing wrong in helping a friend to live through a breakup by pointing out the relevant rights and wrongs of your past breakups. People don't want advice, but they love insight. And what matters is not what you're bringing to the table - but how you're serving it.
I used to think that briefly sharing a similar or relatable experience would help connect and show the person that I heard them. But it doesn't. They perceive it as oh now you're making it about you. So I never ever do that any more. Convo is so tricky, I, too, since covid, pretty much just avoid anything other than stock greetings because everyone seems so poised to take everything in the worst possible way.
@@ColleenKitchen to confuse you more, I'm a person who feels better hearing somebody share a similar experience. It affirms me they empathized enough to remember a situation of their own, that they were listening to me, I get to hear a different approach or point of view of a similar problem and I get to not feel alone. So it really does the depend on the person. I do agree that some people take everything in the worst way, so unfortunately we have to thread carefully in conversation sometimes
@@amemocci3580I agree. It feels like someone isn’t listening/caring much when they just say, “oh that must be hard for you” or similar things. I feel embarrassed that I said anything then and come away feeling even worse and like it’s hard to find someone else to relate to properly. If I’m going to the trouble of telling someone how I’m struggling then I’m looking for someone’s perspective and want to see if they’ve had any relatable experiences.
Advice without a lot of questions first is what is so bad; not advice in and of itself but ill or uninformed advice. The best advice I’ve gotten was advice I’d not know to ask for.
See, but you are open to accepting your flaws as a person and growing When your emotions step in and try to "defend" you from judgement, you probably intervene thinking "Let me hear it out and make sure i'm not missing something" people who don't want to hear ANY unsolicited advice EVER (not just bad advice) cant get over their egos
@@antiprismatic Oh right. Thanks. I hate that because they're intentionally are judging but trying to make me look like the crazy one which they continue to judge as well. It's messed up.
@@OmniSphinx I dont know what it is or how it comes about or how the person can do it?! It is so bold faced!!!! Maybe they honestly feel as though they are not judging but just stating a fact?! Weird. I'm trying to search my conscious and unconscious intentions to see how that state of duplicity exists. Maybe something like, "oh you have blonde hair, I'm not judging you" I think it is just people observing and witnessing so much that they feel they are objective?! I hope to get closer to understanding it!!!! It is miserable. It definitely a trauma based response and reaction unless the person is capable of owning prefacing and amending what is being said. Hmmmm
There are times where I've wanted advice from people who merely acted like a tape recorder, repeating the gist of what I said back to me, nothing more; there are other times people tried to force advice upon me when I didn't want it. The sensitive approach is to ask someone, "Do you want me to just listen, or would you like my feedback when you're done?" That gives people the option to say what they are needing since we are not mind readers of our loved ones by and large.
How come the responsibility for this would be placed on the listener and not the communicator? As you as the communicator already might be in the known for what you're looking for and therefore would be in a better position to state this rather than expect the other part to play some kind of mini-theatre in order to ask for what you're trying to achieve from the sharing of information.
I knew this when I was 12 years old. But now I’m 62 and have experienced a lot of shitt and have been judged so much that I started to do it myself. It’s such a dirty circle of ugly feelings.
Important comment! I too believe that environment and what you interact with has a huge effect on trying to keep yourself from communicating negatively. Sometimes you are effected simply by the emotions of the person you're talking to, and say/do things you would not normally even consider saying/doing. When I realized this, I started spe
Good stuff! I’m an old lady and it took me years to acquire this wisdom. I taught young children throughout my career and said, “Good job!” rather than, “Good girl/boy”. I remember my dad saying there were too many “shoulds” in the world, and in AA hearing, “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself or others.” Learning to listen, and these other skills you mention, mean I have to honestly ask myself, “Is this comment for them or me? So many times I would assert myself in a conversation and could trace it back to my own fears or insecurities. Now I say, “Just let them talk!” Not always easy!!
I almost clicked away once I started bc I was like "I don't need to hear this" and then I was like, OMG everyone needs to hear this! Another fantastic video WOW!
wow, I loved that advice :😮. Really, been on both sides. So much to learn. The problem is not knowing it, the problem is doing it. Summary 1. Criticizing - Making negative judgments about a person’s character or actions. 2. Name-calling - Labeling someone in a way that restricts their growth and change. 3. Diagnosing (Psychoanalyzing) - Acting as if you understand someone’s motives or psyche. 4. Praising Evaluatively - Praising to manipulate rather than sincerely compliment. 5. Ordering - Telling someone what to do without respecting their autonomy. 6. Threatening - Using negative consequences to control others. 7. Moralizing - Using “should” statements to dictate what others ought to do. 8. Excessive or Inappropriate Questioning - Distracting someone by asking unrelated or excessive questions. 9. Advising - Offering advice without understanding the full complexity of someone’s situation. 10. Diverting - Shifting the conversation back to oneself or unrelated topics. 11. Logical Argument - Ignoring emotions by focusing solely on facts and logic. 12. Reassuring - Offering empty reassurance that dismisses the other person’s feelings And off topic: this summary was created by ChatGPT from a transcript - What will the future hold for us?
In case it’s not obvious, it is ok to give advice when advice is specifically requested. It is still important to come from a humble place when giving the advice, IMO.
I think we need to learn to be very good listeners and be able to hold space for them, especially to the people we care about. When it gets tricky though is when this behaviour isn't reciprocated. When you are the one feeling emotional and your friend then reacts with either of the ''dirty 12 of communication''.
It is easy. Do not speak again about other people...even if you are assaulted, robbed, etc. as you could estigmatize them for life. And you do not want that, do you?. Think about their destiny and your responsability. Don't think about how they affected yours. That would be selfish.
@@carloscabrera1912it is ok to talk about how other people have negatively affected you. saying that somebody hurt you is different than calling them someone that hurts people.
I have a sober bar here in Guadalajara and we have a lot of interesting conversations. Most of the time the conversations go well, but of course as you've pointed out there are a lot of ways things can go wrong One of the things I said to the group today was "listen with your whole body". When you listen with a tiny point of your brain, filtering things in a specific way, hearing in a specific way, responding in a specific ways, that's a kind of fanaticism. When you listen with the top of your chest, not wanting to go deep into the emotions which might be in the bottom of your chest or in your belly, that's evasion. Different combinations of these two errors result in most of the problems that you've described in this video. When you listen with your whole body, you don't have to be tied down to a particular reaction, you can feel everything and so you can respond with the intelligence of the entire body. Things can be pretty simple in this way
Enjoyed your vid. Reassurance is to my mind more about the delivery, and people sometimes need the boost that old tropes bring. The well placed “you’ve got this”, “hopefully you can look back one day and ……”, the empathetic boost that also says you’re there for them.
I objected to my BFFs constant diverting and she decided we couldn't be friends anymore!! I was briefly crushed, now fine and hoping she finds her way back. Love your work, thanks so much for your amazing work 😀
I’m 23, Married, with a 2yr old Son. Bought a house in January. Good job as a Diesel Mechanic, and I still struggle with everything you mentioned. But I truly believe Accepting Responsibility is what men need. And it’s helped me. Thank you for making this. I needed that. You’re the Man.
As a parent, I can tell you, you definitely don't need to tell them the barf drawings are great, that it's the best thing you've ever seen. Do ask what it is, why they chose that, and how incredible it is that they used every paint or crayon in the pile. If you store them away, fold a sheet of waxed paper so it doesn't all stick together. Because it will!
Exactly! Following these “skills” can lead to people pleasing and prevent authentic interactions. The video forget to mention that being a “good listener” and “holding space” often attracts people who talk about themselves excessively.
@@sifulam7967 Word! And you can actually end up enabling that person, like if say one person feels better by talking to you about their problems, to the point that they just talk to you about their problems instead of fixing them. Then you can enable them in their self-chosen suffering and victomhood (which some often do because at some point in their life they gained from it, like they only got attention when they were sad or hurt. Some even go so far as doing it for pity to manipulate someone.
It is good advice, you dont need to apply it in every single convo, but knowing and applying it will be beneficial. He even mentions early on that sometimes you wont like what a person grows into if you let them grow. Some friendships will benefit from applying these often, but always being so dedicated to appeasing others in the convo is a lot of effort on many people who arent worth it
While there are very good points in here, I would say that there are definitely caveats to some of these. If someone is in an abusive relationship, saying "You should leave them" is absolutely fine. I worry, occaisionally, about how I communicate, just because i'm not a very talkative person, but I think communicating, regardless of how wrong or right it is perceived is important. The whole world runs on our ability to communicate, and if we start to overthink it, we won't do it all
If someone is being abused, maybe the best approach is to use the Socratic method: that is, to ask them questions until the arrive at the answer (which is to break up with them). Help them find the answer themselves.
@user-bf3pc2qd9s Or maybe ask them if they have sought advice from any agency. If they haven't instead of should, "you could" or none of that and ask other open questions, do you want to get out of this relationship. Or the ultimate, is there anything I can do to help you, I'm always happy to listen but also happy to accompany you to...
@@Fireflyepic this, if you have the energy for it. if someone is being abused, it is often better they come to the conclusion themselves. in most cases, if you just tell them "you should break up with them" they'll just brush it off as "opinion" or just being plain wrong about their "bae" who "very clearly still loves them". they sadly won't hear it, at all. in one ear, out the other. advice now all on the floor. on the other hand, if they come to the conclusion themselves, they'll be much more receptive to any advice you may or may not have about their situation. once they see for themselves how bad their situation actually is, they'll want to change it. anything you contribute afterwards would be welcomed. if it is all too exhausting to sit playing "20 questions" all day, then simply saying it is the next best thing. at least the idea has been planted and now all you can hope is that they take your advice and actually leave. better than nothing, especially if you don't have any other solutions.
I’m an autistic adult and I have a fix-it logical solution checking compulsion when hearing about anyone’s problems including when I had friends. I wouldn’t mind if anyone analysed solutions to my problems along with me. If I’d just want to express my sadness about a problem, then I’m explicitly state that I have my „solution spreadsheet plan” and not seeking ideas. As an autistic person I like to communicate needs clearly.
And that's a problem, to many people. I am neurodiverse too and I have gotten better at not giving unwanted solutions to others. In fact, we (neurodiverse people) can come across as explicitly and extremely toxic to others, precisely because of these kinds of ingrained mannerisms or vices. However, they are not predeterminations. With some work, I have been able to improve these 'issues'.
@Sad_Bumper_Sticker @@FamilyRUclipsTV-x6d Context: I'm AuDHD It's all about knowing your audience. You can perhaps continue with that method of communication with other neurospicy friends if that's the dynamic you have and both enjoy. But defaulting to the communication outlined in the video I think will make interactions with neurotypical people smoother and more pleasant for both people.
you could preface by saying "i tend to like other people analyzing my problems with me, would you like it if i did it with you?" and if they say yes, THEN give them the solutions. by communicating how you do it in your head, it'll feel less like you are trying to change them, or giving unsolicited advice, and more like you are genuinely trying to communicate with them through your thought process, as opposed to the opposite. try to remember that we (humans) often need to be "let in" to other people's heads to fully understand the individual in question. it's hard for us to imagine what someone else is imagining on words alone and often need context to fill in the rest of the details. if you fix the context, it should be easier to understand.
I'm far from the spectrum, but I, too, desire clear and concise communication. I can not sugar coat anything. I'm always asking others to "get to the point". 😂
I don't know that I am neurodivergent but I absolutely- ABSOLUTELY - need communication to be "building" and troubleshooting and insightful. I absolutely want to hear alternate views and opinions and what can be done and what to do differently next time and I am absolutely going to tell you where you can get something or who has a class or the advice I was given 5 years ago that worked wonders. My degrees are in science; my daughters are electrical and chemical engineers. We all work in hi-tech and we want insight, problem-solving, best practices. That is the point of conversation and sharing. The social worker types who just want to say, "Wow. That must have been hard. Let's spend 2 hours dwelling on how sad it is that you were in a car accident and zero seconds on getting the car fixed; getting the insurance straightened out; getting a loaner car and how it is going to get to you. Let's just wallow." Those types, if I am forced to be near them, would be the reason I go to prison. Vapid waste of carbon.
Best explanation on why reassurance is invalidating. Felt this my whole life but haven't had a good way of articulating it. It is not at all being with the person it's saying time to move on.
This is why close relationships, regardless of family, partner or friends will tell you what you *need* to hear in the way you will take it in. You may not like what they say, but they are willing to do that in a calm assured way because they care enough and you mutually respect each other enough.
I wish people acknowledged the earthly aspects of themselves instead of just undermining their boundaries for the sake of spirituality. Spirituality should be about exploring the truths you hold in store and what you wish for, not just about being open to everything you hear and forsaking your boundaries, but that is my desire
He does have a slight semblance to Hyphonix. At first I felt like I'd showed up to class, this was the sub, and the professor would soon be found tied up in the supply closet.
I tried following this formula with my friend who vents to me and she texted me after to thank me for listening to her. That’s the first time I can recall her doing that in a long while.
Interesting points, definitely relatable by many means 🤔 but I disagree with your last one.. I think you're mistaking reassurance for "diversion" here. To me, proper reassurance can make or break the attitude of a situation. Something like "Don't worry, we'll make it through this" can offer the confidence to continue when defeat is more obvious. Sometimes, it can be a good thing to "stop feeling what we're feeling" when it's simply not fruitful and we otherwise rely on the charisma of our company to jog us out of a funk. It is important to experience our emotions, certainly. In my experience, I've gotten stuck in some negative spirals and have felt very thankful to have someone give me reassurance to knock me out of it. That's actually been a core theme for me lately, is finding opportunities to offer reassurance and inspire collective growth 😄
for some reason people have an above 90% wrong rate for diagnosing others, since we teach each other the most stupid reasons in pop culture and movies why people do stuff. the "dont worry, youre overthinking, it will all be fine" is barely an attempt to make them stop feeling, its an attempt to make oneself feel better whilst not only ignoring the other persons emotion, but also sacrificing their physical safety. if someone says they lost their job, they might already be on the street with one leg or they wouldnt be so nervous that they rant to you that way, similar with when someone saying theyre scared of their tinder date. in my experience, we should be proud for overthinking as long as it doesnt spiral into serious mental problems, instead of treating it like a bad thing and discouraging it.
I believe the wording of "don't worry, everything is going to be ok" conveys to your friend the message: You're going to get through the rough times but don't expect any help from me. If you offered any real advice you would be more specific about it. Not you, you. People on general :)
I used to always tell my ex girlfriend “you should sleep earlier.” “You should save more money.” She accepted my expectation of her on the outside but internally she felt like i wanted to change her. One day when i suggested she goes to sleep earlier she said its her life and not mine. This was almost half a year ago but now im finally learning from this that if your values dont align with someone elses, respect that and let them do what pleases them. Now i feel the only time you should suggest a change in someones behavior (instead of framing it as a change in THEM), it should be when they negatively affect you
You did nothing wrong, when men hear other people's problems they try to find solutions. If she can't understand you are not trying to control but help her, it's her mistake. And she'll make that mistake again when you're trying to avoid something that negatively affects you. If she doesn't want help, that's fine, but don't let her frame it as you controlling her.
Finally someone understands me, I had my suspicions regarding positive praising, (with an attachment) something my partner does to me. But trying to explain to someone who doesn’t get it, it just looks like I’m paranoid. A true praise without an attachment has a different energy.
Great tips! I agree with all of them…a big reason why I avoid opening up to people is the advice and reassurance…it is a turn -off as soon as I hear it! I’d love it if someone said, “I’m here to listen but I’m not giving advice.” In my opinion, just acknowledging you can understand that another human is having a human experience is often what is most helpful. Striving to be harmless to others in our communication is my key takeaway for this video. ❤
When people limit or label me, all I hear, rather than the label really, is that they are telling me they are a labeler. So I will call them out on it, turn the tables, and trap them in their own energy. They can misjudge me all they want. Trying to accept and live with everybody's misjudgment is nearly impossible, but trying to change everybody else so that they don't label you is literally impossible.
“my name has been Lewis” 😂 quote of the video. but nah fr when you said “if you praise and expect something in return that’s a transaction, not a praise.” i was like damnnnnn bars😭
How to avoid all this without sounding shallow...?? My girlfriend actually does that. she never judges, never gives advice, etc, but she sounds so shallow when she talks. she sound like ChatGPT and says stuff that is supposed to make you feel good but that doesn't help at all .
Maybe, if you have something judgemental to say, try to add that it's your opinion and you also migh be wrong, because you don't know everything, but you try to understand this person and the situatiion
That's the price you pay for being "normal", normal = not interesting. You have to choose, do you want to be normal and tolerated by all or special and be hated by most? Your choice.
I've just verbalised to myself about your talk. You're very in tune to the subtitles and nuances in the complexities of one's issue or issues another is facing and how to validate them. Apart from everything, that makes you very attractive!
Since reading Meditations and being much more self-aware, it's rather easier to reflect on, and evaluate the conversations I have with people, I discovered that I prevent talking too much, or things that they would feel uncomfortable. For Pt. 9, I give advices because I genuinely want to help them, never thought that it could appear as insulting to the other party. Great video!
There have always been toxic people, we are just now better at identifying them, hence why there's suddenly more of them. But ofc the word toxic can still be overused and or abused, but generally I've seen it used more correctly than not
The piece about why we do these things is interesting in that it's a lack of grounding resulting in various projections. Only when we can sit with our own thoughts and emotional experience without doing these things to ourselves (easier said than done) can we really show up this way in conversation! I heard the acronym in a support group once: no FRACKING - Fixing, Rescuing, Advising, Changing, Killing (their experience, i.e. invalidating). This video is a very accessible breakdown of these sneaky common habits!
We all like to think that we live by the golden rule of treating others how we want to be treated, but all of that goes out the window when it comes to everyday social interactions.
Massive generalisation. If I share a problem with someone, I'm generally hoping to receive some helpful feedback and advice. Getting a generic response like "yeah I hear you bro, I'm not going to give you any advice, I'm just here to listen" would be frustrating as hell.
I think people often overlook that it's fine to give advice if the person asks for it - it's so simple to complain and say, "what can I do? do you have any advice?" if they want advice. Likewise, if one HAS advice, they can ask "would you like some advice?" knowing that the other person may or may not want it. Advice is great in that you can learn from others' experiences, but sometimes it's just not the time or place lol
Think about it, if you feel a "need to be heard", there's a subconscious reason for that humans evolved to do that FOR A REASON You WANT someone to fix your problem for you, without you owing them any gratitude or compensation because you "didn't ask for help".
It's 4 AM and I haven't slept well, so please bear with me. I completely understand the need to share difficulties, especially when dealing with complex emotions-sometimes just having someone listen can be incredibly comforting. The wrong words can easily make someone feel as though their struggles are entirely their fault or a result of incompetence. However, it can become a bit tiresome when a person repeatedly brings up the same problem without any intent to work toward a solution. If it's the first time they're discussing a particular issue, I can empathize with their need for support. But when they revisit the same concern multiple times within the same group of friends, it starts to feel burdensome and repetitive.
@@SamanthaManning-xy8fu If they do that they probably don’t realize it and are possibly dealing with some level of PTSD. And too, issues don’t always just quickly go away.
😊 I get you, bc I do the same. My problem is absorbing the bs, and then I get angry out of nowhere bc of what someone said yesterday to me, last week, or even last year. So I’ve learned to walk away from bs, OR calmly speak the truth to that person & then walk away.✌🏼
@@jrs2024 it's bs all the way down buddy. We bs ourselves all the time. It's what keeps our fragile minds from shattering. Gotta let go of it all. You have to set boundaries of course, don't let others bs ruin your life.
It feels like avoiding doing everything you listed changes it from an actual conversation, to just listening to someone complain. Context of the conversation should preempt these rules.
Forget? This video will no doubt be of benefit. Li nk with your quote re be interested. Another is ‘ The measure of a person is not what they say but the questions that they ask’ Have an inquisitive and rewarding life
Hey, this is a really excellent video. I love your candid honesty for real. The thing is though, the last one is rough, reassurance. I 1 hundred percent agree with you that, when you are saying to people: don’t feel what you feel ~ that is absolutely true and I’m so glad that I watched your video to be reminded of that. But also, when you talk to people that are getting older, and they look back in time, they really enjoy those moments when there were people there that said, “hey, it’s going to be OK. “ You know because the universe can be chaotic and anxious and mean …stressful etc. if we’re lucky, someone with a strong spirit …somebody brings a little bit of light in there, and you delight in that and are thankful that it didn’t get darker.
And I just discovered why I was so “obstinate” as a a kid-I was reacting to how belittling and controlling my parents were, rather than things they would ask me to do.
There must be parents somewhere who ask their children what they want and how they feel. Mine barked orders, answered any questions with Because I Say So, then stepped back and expected instant compliance. And, years later, wondered why I didn't want to ask or tell them anything.
Ordering is an important part of parenting. A parent is higher in the family "hierarchy" than a child. And every authority figure has to inforce their position. This applies to conversations as well. Thus ordering becomes a tool for the parents. An important tool, which they have to wield wisely. Using too little and too much will lead to a loss of respect from the children. I saw both scenarios unfold throughout my years.
Great video! Ive implemented all of these strategies in conversation, and now sit in silence until it is my turn, then release a guttural bird screech to ket them know they can continue
I can’t imagine telling my friend how bad my day has been and they respond with, I’m here to listen. I would think they are not interested in helping me. It feels like they are saying, blah blah blah
My coworkers are all great listeners. Weirdest barbecue ever. 15 people, one person talking at a time, non-personal questions only. A lot of nods and "life-is-hard" sighs. Very depressing. On the scale of being yourself to being non-toxic, I prefer the lever at 2/3 on the being yourself side.
Ahh venting, a tricky thing…. you didn’t ask me 😅 but thought to share incase someone else wanted to know. I ask my daughters to warn me in advance that they need to vent to me, and so it gives me a fair chance to snap out of my task-at-hand and fully listen with care, knowing they just need a safety net. Not gonna lie, I WANT to immediately jump in with a solution or a defense, bc I hurt seeing them in pain. When the venting is done, I ask if they need help. Otherwise, I check in with them later if the problem has been remedied. With family, I appreciate an open communication channel. But at work, I vent/discuss only work stuff to my boss, and then ask for assistance or I propose possible solutions. Within my team, I ask for permission first to vent, like with my daughters, & require the same permission request from them. ✌🏼
I always listen to the other person’s venting, then ask if they want my thoughts or advice. If I vent to a friend, I will ask for their advice. I would feel brushed off if the person I spoke to only said they’re here for me. I think each situation would depend on circumstances, I don’t think there’s a one size fits all .
This is how ChatGPT talks back to you. So be like a robot when you are around others, be agreeable and basically just nod your head and repeat back what they just said. Honestly, it’s exhausting and boring. I find I just avoid being around others unless we are doing a project together, something physical that I can listen but have something else I’m working on.
About reassuring. I think there's times that people want exactly that. I've had friends who just wanted to hear that things will workout. Nothing more, nothing else. I'm normaly reluctant to say so, and I normally say "I don't know how things we'll go, but we can to figure something out". But sometimes I say that things will go well, because I've seen them solve their problems before, and I know probability is on my side. I don't think I'm suit to listen people vent without trying to dissect the case. And people have generally been more thankful to me when I tried to help them think and organize what they are feeling. And I felt better too that way. But as I said in another comment, I think this video still provides really important useful points that will be helpful, despite one agrees with everything at 100% or not.
The most terrible people in existence are fully up to date with all "information" like this and appeal to the most high-grade therapeutic new-speech as they cease thinking like actual human beings in relationships.
@za4ria you're right, making mistakes and taking responsibility for them. Is a great way to connect with people and show that you are also human. Because everyone makes mistakes. You want to be relatable and not and asshole, this video is just about not being an asshole.
@NewelOfKnowledge to Number 10 there is a 4'th reason: the person is to overwhelmed by their own problems, they feel triggered by almost everything and can't focus on anything else. Unfortunately this condition exists and can even stay for years
In defense of robots. I must say that almost all of the mistakes or toxic things mentioned seem to be the most logical course of action. Perhaps there are more problems in the receiving people than in the transmitters of these "toxic things" I'm not saying it's wrong to expect comfort, support, approval, affection... But most of those "toxic things" are really a search, exploration, experimentation and collaboration towards the TRUTH and SOLUTION of real problems. The fault may not be in these "toxic" actions. But in the inability to receive constructive criticism, precise diagnosis, well-founded objections and in general everything that suggests changing something about one's self-image, self-esteem or ego.
The issue is addressing these directly, unsolicited, is counterproductive to inspiring change in others. People kinda have to choose to change of their own accord; being too direct triggers ego defenses and “blinds” others.
the difficult part is when do you give someone a logical solution to their problem, if they're breaking down and splitting at the seams over something is it wise to hit them with cold hard facts or help them ease into being comfortable with a new perspective on the issue later
Manipulation isn't inherently negative. A massage is manipulation, and folding laundry is manipulation. The key is to be aware of when you are doing it and checking your motivation for why you are doing it.
We do not have to answer everyone who tries to strike up a conversation with us while we are only trying to walk down the street too. Nor do we have to walk at the same slow pace that everybody else is there at the time.
LEWIS. LOVE THAT YOU RESPOND TO COMMENTS. Yes, you are giving advice but we are “asking for it’ by tuning in and we can switch you off if so desired. TOO FAST TALKING? I put speed on 0.75, listen to 10 minutes. Reflect on the data and continue some other time. THANKS LEWIS. I have 2 daughters your generation and having shared mine I am learning from their own experiences
10:30 i am autistic and hate when people do this. i only mention the autism because non-autistic & autistic people have a sort of communication-style mismatch. the video is a good guide for talking to people you're not close to.
it feels flat & empty. did the person i'm speaking to *really* listen, or are they just auto-responding? there are individual responses to everything...
There’s this guy I’ve been talking to but didnt really like him for some reason, and I finally found the reason, he somehow does every single one of these things 😭😭
Conversely, my girlfriend ABIDES by all of these rules and I hate that. When I'm venting I want her advice. I value her advice. But she refuses to give it -- all I get is "that must be hard". It feels unhelpful to me. I would love her to share a similar time in her life to comfort me, or offer some solutions I might have not thought of. Moreover, even the conversation itself can help me think of the solutions I need. I don't like being on the receiving end of this "giving space" stuff, as crazy as it sounds.
@@Fireflyepic then say so my friend. tell her "i would really like it if you would help me feel less alone in my problems by sharing some of your experiences". don't expect her to know, we're humans, not mind readers :p
Your channel has been super helpful for me getting through some drama in my friend group. I’ve found my listening skills have gotten much better and I felt I was much more capable of handling the situation with mature conversation! Appreciate you big dog 💪
Thank you tom hardy 😭❤️ Im really glad i found your channel. I wasnt able to communicate why i dont get on with my mother n law and intuitively i knew something was wrong. She does all these things.
13. All of these are guidelines, to keep in the back of your head during your conversations. All of them have appropriate times and ways to be broken. In fact, I would love a follow-up video with at least one example of breaking each rule in a constructive way. If you can do that, you have really mastered this topic ;)
@@Zachary910 Are you an actual snail or something? You really can't think outside of your shell? 1. Criticism can absolutely be constructive and necessary with someone you care about. I've had lots of rough criticism from people I care, and who care about me, that I needed to have. I've also given some. What I've done is reduce the amount and frequency and approach of negative feedback overall, but sometimes there's no other way. 2. Obviously name calling can be done in constructive ways, as long as you are aware and observant of the effect it has on someone, and are aware of the fact that you might need to stop it or change it depending on outcomes. It is extremely common in military units and other similar groups for guys to get nicknames that are somewhat mean, but that over time become a sign of acceptance into the group. Men name call and banter as a sign of affection and acceptance. It's like a whole psychological phenomena where you fuck something up, get a nickname based on your fuckup, you feel embarassed over it for a time, but then you grow up and accept it and don't let it get to you, and now you're part of the group. 3. Diagnosing. Of course we diagnose, we're looking for explanations for behavior. And, shocking, I know: sometimes we're correct. My old boss loved to do this shit to me, and he was spot on most of the time, which helped me become more self-aware and grow as a person. One specific example: he pointed out that I am overly attached to being right. (Yes, I see the irony) Have I made my point sufficiently for you?
When someone shares with me I assume they want genuine feed back, not vague statements that could be plugged into any conversation. When I share and people do that to me I assume that person doesn’t actually care and I shouldn’t come to them in the future. Sharing is already embarrassing. The vague statements “oh that’s too bad” is like they’re not even engaged in listening they’re just waiting on timing. It’s so fake.
This is brilliant. How to listen without putting our own baggge/idealogy/perspective into the dialogue without being asked. Or getting entangled in other’s lives in a negative way. Three fingers pointing back: loads of karma. Stay in your lane. I’m a green crayon - you’re a red crayon. Why do I think I can tell you how to color better? ❤
But it’s true that you only criticize people for what you hate about yourself. You don’t have any emotional reaction to people doing things that you are okay with in yourself. You’re only emotionally triggered and critical of others actions when they are things you struggle with yourself. It’s safer for the ego to deal with issues for other people than itself. It’s a cute little defense mechanism. Everyone should check in with themselves and what they don’t like and change that part of themselves. It’s amazing, once you change yourself, that stuff just doesn’t bother you when others do it! Because you were never hating / angry / critical of that other person- what that other person was doing was just reminding you what you hated about yourself 🤯
@@alumsdizzle Bullshit. You see someone beat on their child, you tell them it's not okay. That's not predicated on you having done it yourself and hating yourself for it - quite the opposite. There is such a thing as right and wrong.
I don't know about hate but we tend to be harsher on ourselves than others. If we said to others what we say to ourselves. Giving compliments to others not giving the same to ourselves for the same achievement. For example
@@SpaghettiToasteryes, obviously. We are not talking about that here. We are talking about general conversation and connection with others here. Not actual hate crimes and abuse. We are trying to connect on how not to be the toxic people here. It’s pretty obvious you shouldn’t beat your kids. I mean, there’s laws for that..
Projections happen with both negative and positive experiences. You transfer your own reality without any filters to the outside world, building an external truth based on your own personal characteristics. Go ahead and do a little bit of research on the law of mirroring and you’ll find many psychological studies that affirm that your exterior acts as a mirror for your mind. It all boils down to your psyche protecting itself but also trying to help yourself grow into a better person :) ego science my friends!
That's so weird! My parents have always used "2 spiders" for the exact same reason. It came from a situation where an individual proclaimed he had "two spiders in the bath" as a way to divert from a friend's arachnid in a tub story 😂
I was worried that I will find out I'm toxic in conversations, but honestly all of these points were pretty obviously toxic to me, nothing new. I'm feeling proud of myself
I’m so happy there are people out there who understand this and talk like this intuitively! I grew up with a narcissist mom and the praising thing to manipulate was unfortunately picked up by me. Now I actively hold back my compliments if I realize it’s because I want something. I also am super emotional so it’s hard to not to give solutions because I don’t like to be so vulnerable but it’s dismissive of other people’s feelings not to sit with them in their feelings too
Really helpful, Newell, thank you! My only contribution is to say that within listening there is a universe of options for asking questions that help the speaker process further and come away feeling less stuck, without you as the listener having offered advice. Completely passive listening can enable a toxic person to run all over you, abuse your time, and transgress boundaries. Good questions can help an emotional person find their footing, hear themselves talk, and consider other perspectives without you the listener telling them what to think.
i have social anxiety, so i already don't talk to people much. i overthink everything said in a conversation. im sure this video will definitely totally help me.
Addressing 5 criticisms to the video:
(And apologies for spelling ‘criticising’ wrong in point 1 - I left it up so I could spew in the discomfort of my perfectionism as an attempt to stop being a perfectionist. Fuck it we ball.)
Criticism 1:
1.) "If all of these behaviours are "toxic" then what are we meant to say? Just stand there and be silent?"
Response 1:
- It's not for me to say what you want or value in your relationships, but if what you want is to better support those you care about and to permit others to grow in your presence, then not doing these 12 things will help you do so.
- And the last time I checked "just stand there and be silent" is called listening. And that's usually what you do when someone you care about is talking or venting.
- Finally, throughout the video I give many examples of what you could say (10:28).
Criticism 2:
2.) "This is just a woke conversation."
Response 2:
- Fuck woke culture. I hate it. Walking on egg shells around people for fear of offending them. Sod that for a laugh.
- So not doing these 12 things doesn't mean you tone down your authentic voice in conversations and don't say things you want to - this does more harm than good. If you want to voice an opinion, voice it. I have plenty of videos on how to do that.
Criticism 3:
3.) "Sometimes giving people advice is good + I know countless people who have been helped by reassurance."
Response 3:
- I agree. There have been numerous times throughout my life when someone has reassured me or given me advice and it's helped.
- But ask people if they want your advice before you give it.
- And only reassure people after they've emotionally vented - this way you avoid signalling "stop feeling what you're feeling."
Criticism 4:
4.) "Jheese, modern conversations are so hard. It seems no matter what we do we'll always put a foot wrong."
Response 4:
- The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979.
- We're not perfect. Our social skills will never be flawless. We're going to do these 12 things countless times throughout our lives (17:48). But the less the better if what we want is to better support and connect with others.
Criticism 5:
5.) "Dude, you're moralising us about not moralising other people. And you're giving us advice on not giving other people advice."
Response 5:
- The difference between a real life conversation and a youtube video is that at any point you can turn the youtube video off. So I'm not giving you advice, I'm suggesting things that you have the choice to listen to or not. Don't like what I'm saying? Shut my annoying moustached bald ass up by turning off the video.
- Regarding me moralising you about not moralising other people, this will sound like the biggest cop out ever, but sometimes information needs to be delivered in a paradoxical way. It's a contradiction yes, but how else could I have delivered the message? (if you have an idea, I'd love to hear it).
Thank you for your time and attention.
I'm happy to hear any counter arguments you have to these below.
Lewis
"shut my annoying moustached baldass up" 😭 damn.
Good video, Lewis! I appreciate your answers to the (possible) criticisms. When I read your statement, "The tips mentioned aren't for "modern conversations". The book I used to get this information from was published in 1979," I had to giggle, I was about your age in 1979. I'm still learning, and trying to grow. I find that to keep up with how the culture around me is changing, I need to listen more to (much) younger people. :-)
Would it be alright to ask for the title of the book from 1979 please? You've done an excellent job of synthesizing it to video form - I thoroughly enjoyed the depth and brevity of each point. However, I would like to read further on this topic. Thank you so much.
This just shows that a perfect empathetic listener is an empty bottle. I doubt you will have time but just posted my 1st video on my midlife crisis please give me advice about my toxic behaviour. Oh no you cannot do that (advice?)
@@pastelbow-s2l Thanks :) and the book is People Skills by Robert Bolton
My mantra is "the most valuable thing you can contribute to a conversation is your attention" and I forget it almost every time I talk to someone.
Mantar not mantra
@@ManjeetKour-nu1zq as I understand it, ‘mantra’ is Sanskrit and Hindi, used in Hinduism, while ‘mantar’ is Punjabi or Urdu, as used in Sikhi. From your name I assume you are Sikh? Are both correct?
@@Fredreegz mantar is used in hindi and sanskrit mostly Western and Britishers added 'a' like Shiva it's shiv in hindi Deva it's dev in hindi and sanskrit and dharma it's dharm all of these are used in bhagvat gita the utmost hindu scripture britishers used 'a' after hindi because it was dificult to pronounce south indian still use it because hindi is not known there for them they using A after hindi terms is cool but it's just the English term of hindi sentences and yes I am a sikh
@@ManjeetKour-nu1zq I assumed that as classical Sanskrit developed into Prakrit languages words and sounds changed slightly, and some final vowels were lost. Similar changes have taken place in the development of Persian/Farsi and in European languages. I thought modern Indian languages like Hindi or Punjabi dropped these old Sanskrit final vowels. Like ‘rām/rāma/ is just written राम rather than राम् with a viraam?
me too 😂😂
In my journey through studying to become a psychotherapist I heard an excellent line. "You go to your friends to be listened too, and all you get is advice. You go to your therapist for advice, and all you get is listened too."
'To'
make friends with the shrink then 💀
Golden rule = "The more you talk, the more nonsense you will say"
Actually the less you talk the less you learn about how to interact with people by the way (coming from experience)
Hey so remember what I said earlier? Ok maybe it's better to me to isolate myself from others because bro-
God gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth!
@dimitristripakis7364 yeah sure being non-verbal till the point that people think I'm crazy and getting threatened to send to another school not being able to keep friendships or any ships in general wow what a great thing 😀
I don’t think not talking is the answer, it’s about not getting personal but be aware there’s nothing in that person that isn’t in you as we’re all reflections of each other
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I didn't learn how to communicate my feelings or how to listen when other people communicate theirs. I still struggle with difficult conversations and conflict avoidance. I'm now 64 and still learning. Thank you, Lewis, for your help.
You aren't alone. But as he said, we're a process, not a product. ❤
@@jessicagreen1876 the process is made more difficult if we're not given the correct tools when we're children and many of us don't even realise how unprepared we are. It's never too late to start the journey. 🙂
Yes. Can relate.
You may benefit from "Nonviolent Communication". I am reading right now about connecting compassionately with ourselves so our inner dialogue is not so self critical.
Myself as well.
I’m EXHAUSTED after watching this. We humans are a complicated breed
a complicated bread
you're a retard
@@martian8987 bread
real, idk how cats can keep us as pets
I teach public school. Sometimes children share with me very personal things. I often just say, "That sounds so difficult, thank you for telling me what's going on." Sometimes I really don't know what else to say, but that seems to be helpful, without interfering in their sharing.
I had a 5th grade teacher who I remember sat with me on at least one occasion (possibly more) and listened to me tell her about my older brother who’d first spent a year in Vietnam, was shot, recovered and best as I can recall he went back.
Then he signed up again and was stationed in the USA. During the USA station he had to defend his life by taking someone else’s during an attack on him.
He went on trial and was acquitted. My mother was gone out of state, to be there for his trial. Etc.
And this teacher sat with me, I guess must have been during the latter part of our lunch hour. I can remember going into a lot of detail and how interested she seemed. It must have helped me a lot. I can’t recall anything she might have said. She was was very pretty, ladylike, young, and had manners. I still remember her high hairdo, done up on top of her head. Always thought it looked so nice.
She was the only adult who really listened to me to that extent.
That is also the type of response one would expect from a large corporation's customer care department
@@tommyshanks4198Indeed, it becomes more CYA…may as well talk to an AI.
That smacks of cowardice and ineptitude.
@@tommyshanks4198people often go to their friends to have someone to listen, not implicitly asking advice. But when people go to customer service, even if they actually want to just vent, the cultural expectation is solutions, explanations, and compensation. So one style of listening does not work well for both teachers and customer service
“Diagnosing is avoidance of listening”…. Thank you, I needed to hear that, I’m going to chew on it for a while!
This one echoed in me as well. Even though I do not say it to people, I am always secretly diagnosing and making psychological evaluations about them in my head. It is a complete barrier that I put between me and the other person.
@@Juanah92Unless you are a trained psychologist, you can't make psychological evaluations.
What you actually do is a comparison between other people's opinions and yours. It is called judgement.
Someone who do not agree with your ideas or beliefs (right or wrong) you discard.
You just do what human beings have done for milennia, but using contemporary filters.
The problem in the West is that religion was substituted by ideologies, which are the same but do not require to believe in a supreme being.
Now, these ideologies accomodate to the will of the people in power. They take the young generations and make them believe whatever suits the purpose of this power.
These ideologies are your filters and they influence your judgement. If these ideologies become who you are, you become a fanatic, that repeats like a parrot the teachings received...until you get life experience enough to see out of your tunnel vision.
Real knowledge comes from observing real life as it unfolds, not from someone so young, as the author of this video, that only repeats and racionalises the ideology he's been tought.
I've had multiple therapists and I've left therapists before for jumping too quickly to diagnosing rather than asking questions to understand the issue. It's even less appropriate to diagnose in everyday situations... but sometimes it can be hard to avoid speculating internally
And so is jumping to conclusions. Chew on *that* for a while.
How so? If that were true, then a medical professional diagnosing your disease won't listen to anything you're telling them afterwards? Maybe adjusting their diagnosis if needed?
He's right, for those of us who study psychology, it is hard not to diagnose people, but we must avoid it because it's not our place and no one likes it
And 9 times out of 10 the person who doing the diagnosing is the one with the most problems
@@knulldestroyed3081true. Usually it’s projection of their own issues like you saud
Psychology is an absolutely worthless field of study.
I was talking to a woman from Bumble the other day. Very early in the conversation she said "Are you OCD?" I told her that was a very unusual question, to begin with, a person cannot be a disorder
If this is the kind of thinking they're promoting in classrooms, I would say they're not really teaching psychology. Her social error clearly demonstrated that she didn't know fundamental things about relating to people, which means that she likely doesn't understand people.
I don't know what to call that, but I wouldn't call it psychology
@@TheParadiseParadoxpeople want to put you in a box within 5 minutes of starting a conversation. It sucks. Don't label people! But not doing so takes work and most of us are guilty of being lazy conversationalists.
Labeling people really hit home for me. I made this HUGE mistake with my son. I thought that I was being a good mother by reminding him how smart he was daily. I thought this was an encouraging statement, but I am afraid it made him fearful of failure. He is a grown now, with a career that did not require formal training or education in which he could have easily accomplished. I am deeply proud of him in every way. He is an outstanding person on every level, but I feel that by labeling him "smart" I may have stunted his educational dreams.
Well said!
I felt this growing up. I didnt want to fail my label and it made me stop trying hard things for fear of failure. With my kids i try to avoid that and just praise them with their efforts, something they can control instead.
As a now middle aged person who was told how smart they are from my first dat at school to my graduation in highschool, to then fail miserably in university due to expectations and never having had to actually study, I very much relate to this. In the end, I managed to land a good job and self-teach me the skills I needed as I went along but that gnawing fear of failure has never left me. 'being smart' was what I felt my identity was in familial circles and it was suffocating to then not know something or fail at an 'intellectual' task.
It has to do with violent communication --> non-violent communication by Marshal B. Rosenberg
This is me and my relationship with beauty. My mum was so amid on my looks, put me into beauty contests, and my family in Asia were obsessed with my light skin and making sure I stayed in shape. I know they meant well, but I’ve grown up to be deeply insecure and thinking that beauty is the only thing I have. Without it, I sometimes feel like I offer nothing to the table.
This is why I only talk to my dogs, they are so agreeable and understanding, always provide the right advice, which is normally, keep your mouth shut, she’s right!
Everything depends on the person listening.
Some need a hug, some need a slap.
Honestly
Yup!!!!
I need both!
I can resonate with needing a slap in the past but my friends were all supportive and understanding which only resulted in me taking way longer to get out of a situation than it should’ve
@@evrythingelsewastknPerhaps you needed that time and really the decision is always yours perhaps if you got a slap you might have stayed longer
Give this man a new marker. He deserves it.
And a thumbs-up for a sharp dressed man!
It must be pink then
😂😂😂
@@umestudies5337 I actually wondered why he used a red marker.
I have a friend that told me, specifically, that she just wants me to listen and not offer advice. Problem with that is now I'm expected to sit there and listen to her complain about her life. I'm getting nothing out of it. I'm not her therapist. I'm not getting paid to spend my time just listening to someone complain about a relationship that, from the outside, seems to be a supportive and generally safe and good marriage. It's ruined the friendship for me and I avoid hanging out now. So... the person on the other side of the conversation needs to own their part in how things are going.
You can set a boundary rather than giving advice. Say "when you vent about your life, i feel used and exausted."
@@AnnaCatherineB I get that, but it feels a little weird to set a boundary on the boundary that she set on me 🤦♀️ In many other ways I feel like maybe we just aren't a great match - that I was always putting in more. She was a friend for a season of my life, and I hope to keep things in the realm of good acquaintances, but she's never really supported me through tough things and I'm no longer pursuing a close friendship with this person. I'll enjoy seeing her out and about, but I'm not inviting her to coffee or outings anymore. I've also found that speaking boundaries to some people only gives them a challenge to push. Sometimes the best boundaries come with actions, not words.
Don't look at them, instead let your eyes wander wisely as if experiencing what they're saying in real time. Works wonders if done naturally.
i used to do this to my friend, and she sometimes vent to me too. and it really broke apart our friendship, she blocked me for 6 months before we make it up again. since then i never vent to anyone, i understand how exhausting it is to listen to someone's problem over and over again. it's only okay to vent to someone once in a while
You're not alone on this, it's only ok if they don't vent about issues often. Otherwise it can become a major drain, to the point it can become disruptive and cause stress just hearing about it.
14:20 there's a fourth reason - they're trying to relate to the person talking. More common with certain neurodivergency. Although pointing out that there's no one size fits all for social dynamics is boilerplate, I feel compelled to bring this one up since it's affected people i care about plenty of times.
Diversion is actually a phenomenal tool to gauge how much your partner wants to talk with you. Let's take the shed example.
You meet someone. Completely new person. You know nothing about each other. The shed comes up. If you don't use diversion, then you will just end up asking question after question, hoping the the other party will find something to ask you about. If they can't, then the conversation will stall.
But let's see the other scenario. You can add that you have 2 sheds before asking them about their shed. This is basicly a perfect setup. Once they finish exaplaining their shed they should ask you about your shed. If they don't, then that's a pretty clear indicator that they don't care about you enough. Or did not pay attention. If they did pay attention and are interested in conversing with you, the fact that you have 2 sheds will give them the very easy "And what about you" question. After that you can go back and forth on a various topics. It can help both people in a conversation.
Of coursey excessive use of diversion is not good, but when it's good, it's indispensible.
Ever since i found your channel, my life has changed for the best. I'm now more socially adept, and the credit goes to you. I talk to people more often and have let go of my fear of starting conversations with new people. Thank you so much man, i'm extremely grateful
No it hasn't. You just feel good while watching the video.
@@bojohannesen4352 you clearly havent started watching his videos then 😅
Ah man, this is what makes it all worthwhile! I’m glad to hear that comrade :) keep up the good work! I’m proud of you.
Ps. Ignore the negative comment above us 💪🏻
Same here. Really great information
@@bojohannesen4352someone could absolutely take the tips from this channel and improve their social skills. then they’ll have better social interactions causing them to seek them out more often. after some time this improves their quality of life. why do u assume this commenter didn’t do that??
It's a thin ice, this topic, because each of these things can be done healthily, and toxically. For example, the threatening: you could hold the relationship hostage like you ilustrated, or you could set a boundary, saying: "If you continue to behave this way, I'll feel unloved and disrespected." and it still could be considered a threatening manipulation/conditional love. At the end of it, it boils down to how mature the person you're talking to is.
Yup, learning this process with my teen. What a crazy phase.. to be a parent of a teen with strong verbal emotions. Patience is an understatement! 🙏🏼
Or it comes to how able you are to control your desire. If you can't be with that person without resorting to little threats or blackmails, then the most honest option is go separate ways or reduce interaction to a level that it does not require resorting to manipulation.
@@carloscabrera1912 A valid point, although I was trying to illustrate how what people perceive is outside of our hands. Interpretation is left to the listener, even if you communicate in a way that's widely considered to be healthy(setting a boundary). Therefore this video should be taken with a grain of salt.
This is what I was just thinking !!💖the great thing though about conversations and humans is that there are different ideas and opinions on how we work. The way you treat one person and or how you act with someone ) changes : elders, best friends, kids and strangers💖
Love the way you stated the boundary with non-violent communication ❤
As someone who is neurodivergent this is pretty helpful, it feels nice to know that I’m not doing everything wrong in social situations
@user-bf3pc2qd9s agree, we 'neurotypical' are conditioned to be passive aggressive with layers of ulterior motives and double meanings
reading comprehension is a must. lol i read your comment and for some reason i read it without the "not" in the sentence.
it ended up reading "it feels nice to know that I'm doing everything wrong in social situations"
and I'm here being like "oh wow, here's a unique person with unusual thoughts, maybe i should ask for clarification on what they mean! are they joking or being serious?"
then I reread your comment and finally saw the "not" in there...
*ahem*... I'm glad you got some reassurance on your current methods of communication.
@@Nu_Wen I loved reading this! Thank you for this sick perspective, I try so hard to be grammatically correct so people understand me better. 😂❤️
Exactly, I feel like I’m being watched with this video Lmao
Point 10 Diverting. Autistic people get accused of doing this, but the motivation is very different from what was described here. From an Autistic perspective, the purpose of mentioning one’s own similar experience is to provide credentials, with the intention of letting the person know that they understand and may have experiential insight into the person’s issue so that the person can feel safe opening up about their experience, and perhaps learn from each other’s perspectives. The idea of making themselves the centre of attention or talking about themselves to make the subject about themselves is anathema to Autistic people in most instances. There is no wish to engage in any kind of one-upmanship as described here. The purpose is to relate and be relatable. It’s more like, “Oh, I’ve had a similar experience, here’s an example as evidence of that, you are safe talking to me because I won’t judge you negatively because that would be hypocritical”, rather than “My experience is worse than yours, you should listen to me instead”.
"When you wag your finger at someone...there are three fingers pointed towards YOU" --- gold. Great video.
You’ve never heard this before? It’s a golden oldie 😁
What about that "Stay disciplined, playful and dangerous"? I wrote that down -- It's my new motto.
@@UniCornGal24 I keep seeing this happening in irl metaphorically ofcourse, its a classic one
Yeah, this explains why I have such impossibly high standards for myself. i give too much advice and hold myself to it too because I don't want to be a hypocrite
@@TheCorty
Me, and it turns out that I am missing experiences in life.
12:34 sharing experience is a form of advice, nothing wrong in helping a friend to live through a breakup by pointing out the relevant rights and wrongs of your past breakups. People don't want advice, but they love insight. And what matters is not what you're bringing to the table - but how you're serving it.
Yeah, advice and insight, I usually get one when I want the other - both ways round.
I used to think that briefly sharing a similar or relatable experience would help connect and show the person that I heard them. But it doesn't. They perceive it as oh now you're making it about you. So I never ever do that any more. Convo is so tricky, I, too, since covid, pretty much just avoid anything other than stock greetings because everyone seems so poised to take everything in the worst possible way.
@@ColleenKitchen to confuse you more, I'm a person who feels better hearing somebody share a similar experience. It affirms me they empathized enough to remember a situation of their own, that they were listening to me, I get to hear a different approach or point of view of a similar problem and I get to not feel alone. So it really does the depend on the person. I do agree that some people take everything in the worst way, so unfortunately we have to thread carefully in conversation sometimes
@@amemocci3580I agree. It feels like someone isn’t listening/caring much when they just say, “oh that must be hard for you” or similar things. I feel embarrassed that I said anything then and come away feeling even worse and like it’s hard to find someone else to relate to properly. If I’m going to the trouble of telling someone how I’m struggling then I’m looking for someone’s perspective and want to see if they’ve had any relatable experiences.
YES
“My name’s been Lewis, it’ll always be Lewis, and it’s worked out pretty well so far.”
Freudian slip
Maybe he will change name or gender 🙃
His uncousiousness is calling 🫥
@@Vulpes_VerbalisHope he wont answer it. Wouldn't want a coma.
Advice without a lot of questions first is what is so bad; not advice in and of itself but ill or uninformed advice. The best advice I’ve gotten was advice I’d not know to ask for.
See, but you are open to accepting your flaws as a person and growing
When your emotions step in and try to "defend" you from judgement, you probably intervene thinking
"Let me hear it out and make sure i'm not missing something"
people who don't want to hear ANY unsolicited advice EVER (not just bad advice)
cant get over their egos
There's something far more toxic than judging; pretending you don't make judgements.
What do you mean by that?
"You're narrow minded.... no I'm not judging you."
@@OmniSphinx"You're arguing... I'm not."
@@antiprismatic Oh right. Thanks. I hate that because they're intentionally are judging but trying to make me look like the crazy one which they continue to judge as well. It's messed up.
@@OmniSphinx I dont know what it is or how it comes about or how the person can do it?! It is so bold faced!!!! Maybe they honestly feel as though they are not judging but just stating a fact?! Weird. I'm trying to search my conscious and unconscious intentions to see how that state of duplicity exists.
Maybe something like, "oh you have blonde hair, I'm not judging you"
I think it is just people observing and witnessing so much that they feel they are objective?!
I hope to get closer to understanding it!!!! It is miserable. It definitely a trauma based response and reaction unless the person is capable of owning prefacing and amending what is being said. Hmmmm
There are times where I've wanted advice from people who merely acted like a tape recorder, repeating the gist of what I said back to me, nothing more; there are other times people tried to force advice upon me when I didn't want it. The sensitive approach is to ask someone, "Do you want me to just listen, or would you like my feedback when you're done?" That gives people the option to say what they are needing since we are not mind readers of our loved ones by and large.
How come the responsibility for this would be placed on the listener and not the communicator? As you as the communicator already might be in the known for what you're looking for and therefore would be in a better position to state this rather than expect the other part to play some kind of mini-theatre in order to ask for what you're trying to achieve from the sharing of information.
I knew this when I was 12 years old. But now I’m 62 and have experienced a lot of shitt and have been judged so much that I started to do it myself. It’s such a dirty circle of ugly feelings.
So sorry.... 😪
I relate so deeply. Thank you for sharing
🙏🕊️
Great message
Important comment! I too believe that environment and what you interact with has a huge effect on trying to keep yourself from communicating negatively. Sometimes you are effected simply by the emotions of the person you're talking to, and say/do things you would not normally even consider saying/doing. When I realized this, I started spe
Good stuff! I’m an old lady and it took me years to acquire this wisdom. I taught young children throughout my career and said, “Good job!” rather than, “Good girl/boy”. I remember my dad saying there were too many “shoulds” in the world, and in AA hearing, “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself or others.” Learning to listen, and these other skills you mention, mean I have to honestly ask myself, “Is this comment for them or me? So many times I would assert myself in a conversation and could trace it back to my own fears or insecurities. Now I say, “Just let them talk!” Not always easy!!
love your comment
I almost clicked away once I started bc I was like "I don't need to hear this" and then I was like, OMG everyone needs to hear this! Another fantastic video WOW!
wow, I loved that advice :😮. Really, been on both sides. So much to learn. The problem is not knowing it, the problem is doing it.
Summary
1. Criticizing - Making negative judgments about a person’s character or actions.
2. Name-calling - Labeling someone in a way that restricts their growth and change.
3. Diagnosing (Psychoanalyzing) - Acting as if you understand someone’s motives or psyche.
4. Praising Evaluatively - Praising to manipulate rather than sincerely compliment.
5. Ordering - Telling someone what to do without respecting their autonomy.
6. Threatening - Using negative consequences to control others.
7. Moralizing - Using “should” statements to dictate what others ought to do.
8. Excessive or Inappropriate Questioning - Distracting someone by asking unrelated or excessive questions.
9. Advising - Offering advice without understanding the full complexity of someone’s situation.
10. Diverting - Shifting the conversation back to oneself or unrelated topics.
11. Logical Argument - Ignoring emotions by focusing solely on facts and logic.
12. Reassuring - Offering empty reassurance that dismisses the other person’s feelings
And off topic: this summary was created by ChatGPT from a transcript - What will the future hold for us?
In case it’s not obvious, it is ok to give advice when advice is specifically requested. It is still important to come from a humble place when giving the advice, IMO.
For some reason, this video gives me the impression that talking to people is such a hard task… You gotta be aware of every single word you say 😳
Makes sense if we weren't taught this... Imagine if we learned how to communicate properly at a young age, that would be awesome.
I think we need to learn to be very good listeners and be able to hold space for them, especially to the people we care about. When it gets tricky though is when this behaviour isn't reciprocated. When you are the one feeling emotional and your friend then reacts with either of the ''dirty 12 of communication''.
it’s a minefield
Yeah dude wtf treating the people in our lives with decency is such a hard task >:(
Yes.
I think I'll have to watch this video twice to remember everything. This video is a holy bible of respect in conversations
Well said!
It is easy. Do not speak again about other people...even if you are assaulted, robbed, etc. as you could estigmatize them for life.
And you do not want that, do you?.
Think about their destiny and your responsability.
Don't think about how they affected yours. That would be selfish.
@@carloscabrera1912it is ok to talk about how other people have negatively affected you. saying that somebody hurt you is different than calling them someone that hurts people.
I have a sober bar here in Guadalajara and we have a lot of interesting conversations. Most of the time the conversations go well, but of course as you've pointed out there are a lot of ways things can go wrong
One of the things I said to the group today was "listen with your whole body".
When you listen with a tiny point of your brain, filtering things in a specific way, hearing in a specific way, responding in a specific ways, that's a kind of fanaticism. When you listen with the top of your chest, not wanting to go deep into the emotions which might be in the bottom of your chest or in your belly, that's evasion. Different combinations of these two errors result in most of the problems that you've described in this video.
When you listen with your whole body, you don't have to be tied down to a particular reaction, you can feel everything and so you can respond with the intelligence of the entire body. Things can be pretty simple in this way
This is an interesting point I had never thought of. Thank you
Wow. That sounds incredibly mindful! I’d like to try this from now on
Utter nonsense
@@joelofty6436quick question for you, have you ever tried any mindfulness practices or connecting to your body?
@@alumsdizzle I have. Waste of time and effort
Enjoyed your vid. Reassurance is to my mind more about the delivery, and people sometimes need the boost that old tropes bring. The well placed “you’ve got this”, “hopefully you can look back one day and ……”, the empathetic boost that also says you’re there for them.
I've found great reassurance from verbal reassurance. I agree the old cliches are there for a reason. Other's have been this way before and survived.
I objected to my BFFs constant diverting and she decided we couldn't be friends anymore!! I was briefly crushed, now fine and hoping she finds her way back. Love your work, thanks so much for your amazing work 😀
I’m 23, Married, with a 2yr old Son. Bought a house in January. Good job as a Diesel Mechanic, and I still struggle with everything you mentioned. But I truly believe Accepting Responsibility is what men need. And it’s helped me. Thank you for making this. I needed that. You’re the Man.
Why would you marry your 2yo son?! 😜
@@TinZs1 Just seen that…These 14hr days are getting to me, Lol
As a parent, I can tell you, you definitely don't need to tell them the barf drawings are great, that it's the best thing you've ever seen.
Do ask what it is, why they chose that, and how incredible it is that they used every paint or crayon in the pile. If you store them away, fold a sheet of waxed paper so it doesn't all stick together. Because it will!
Telling me how I SHOULD interact with others is messing with my DESTINY
Exactly!
Following these “skills” can lead to people pleasing and prevent authentic interactions.
The video forget to mention that being a “good listener” and “holding space” often attracts people who talk about themselves excessively.
@@sifulam7967 Word!
And you can actually end up enabling that person, like if say one person feels better by talking to you about their problems, to the point that they just talk to you about their problems instead of fixing them.
Then you can enable them in their self-chosen suffering and victomhood (which some often do because at some point in their life they gained from it, like they only got attention when they were sad or hurt. Some even go so far as doing it for pity to manipulate someone.
He's talking about people you want to make/ keep a connection with. Not toxic people.
It is good advice, you dont need to apply it in every single convo, but knowing and applying it will be beneficial. He even mentions early on that sometimes you wont like what a person grows into if you let them grow.
Some friendships will benefit from applying these often, but always being so dedicated to appeasing others in the convo is a lot of effort on many people who arent worth it
Hee
While there are very good points in here, I would say that there are definitely caveats to some of these. If someone is in an abusive relationship, saying "You should leave them" is absolutely fine. I worry, occaisionally, about how I communicate, just because i'm not a very talkative person, but I think communicating, regardless of how wrong or right it is perceived is important.
The whole world runs on our ability to communicate, and if we start to overthink it, we won't do it all
If someone is being abused, maybe the best approach is to use the Socratic method: that is, to ask them questions until the arrive at the answer (which is to break up with them).
Help them find the answer themselves.
@user-bf3pc2qd9s Or maybe ask them if they have sought advice from any agency. If they haven't instead of should, "you could" or none of that and ask other open questions, do you want to get out of this relationship. Or the ultimate, is there anything I can do to help you, I'm always happy to listen but also happy to accompany you to...
@@Fireflyepic this, if you have the energy for it.
if someone is being abused, it is often better they come to the conclusion themselves. in most cases, if you just tell them "you should break up with them" they'll just brush it off as "opinion" or just being plain wrong about their "bae" who "very clearly still loves them". they sadly won't hear it, at all. in one ear, out the other. advice now all on the floor.
on the other hand, if they come to the conclusion themselves, they'll be much more receptive to any advice you may or may not have about their situation. once they see for themselves how bad their situation actually is, they'll want to change it. anything you contribute afterwards would be welcomed.
if it is all too exhausting to sit playing "20 questions" all day, then simply saying it is the next best thing. at least the idea has been planted and now all you can hope is that they take your advice and actually leave. better than nothing, especially if you don't have any other solutions.
Reason #1 why I became a hermit. Talking with people this way just doesn't work to me.
Same bro
I’m an autistic adult and I have a fix-it logical solution checking compulsion when hearing about anyone’s problems including when I had friends. I wouldn’t mind if anyone analysed solutions to my problems along with me. If I’d just want to express my sadness about a problem, then I’m explicitly state that I have my „solution spreadsheet plan” and not seeking ideas.
As an autistic person I like to communicate needs clearly.
And that's a problem, to many people. I am neurodiverse too and I have gotten better at not giving unwanted solutions to others. In fact, we (neurodiverse people) can come across as explicitly and extremely toxic to others, precisely because of these kinds of ingrained mannerisms or vices. However, they are not predeterminations. With some work, I have been able to improve these 'issues'.
@Sad_Bumper_Sticker
@@FamilyRUclipsTV-x6d Context: I'm AuDHD
It's all about knowing your audience. You can perhaps continue with that method of communication with other neurospicy friends if that's the dynamic you have and both enjoy. But defaulting to the communication outlined in the video I think will make interactions with neurotypical people smoother and more pleasant for both people.
you could preface by saying "i tend to like other people analyzing my problems with me, would you like it if i did it with you?" and if they say yes, THEN give them the solutions.
by communicating how you do it in your head, it'll feel less like you are trying to change them, or giving unsolicited advice, and more like you are genuinely trying to communicate with them through your thought process, as opposed to the opposite.
try to remember that we (humans) often need to be "let in" to other people's heads to fully understand the individual in question. it's hard for us to imagine what someone else is imagining on words alone and often need context to fill in the rest of the details. if you fix the context, it should be easier to understand.
I'm far from the spectrum, but I, too, desire clear and concise communication. I can not sugar coat anything. I'm always asking others to "get to the point". 😂
I don't know that I am neurodivergent but I absolutely- ABSOLUTELY - need communication to be "building" and troubleshooting and insightful. I absolutely want to hear alternate views and opinions and what can be done and what to do differently next time and I am absolutely going to tell you where you can get something or who has a class or the advice I was given 5 years ago that worked wonders. My degrees are in science; my daughters are electrical and chemical engineers. We all work in hi-tech and we want insight, problem-solving, best practices. That is the point of conversation and sharing.
The social worker types who just want to say, "Wow. That must have been hard. Let's spend 2 hours dwelling on how sad it is that you were in a car accident and zero seconds on getting the car fixed; getting the insurance straightened out; getting a loaner car and how it is going to get to you. Let's just wallow." Those types, if I am forced to be near them, would be the reason I go to prison. Vapid waste of carbon.
Best explanation on why reassurance is invalidating. Felt this my whole life but haven't had a good way of articulating it. It is not at all being with the person it's saying time to move on.
This is why close relationships, regardless of family, partner or friends will tell you what you *need* to hear in the way you will take it in. You may not like what they say, but they are willing to do that in a calm assured way because they care enough and you mutually respect each other enough.
I wish people acknowledged the earthly aspects of themselves instead of just undermining their boundaries for the sake of spirituality. Spirituality should be about exploring the truths you hold in store and what you wish for, not just about being open to everything you hear and forsaking your boundaries, but that is my desire
Ngl, his mustache made me want him to be wrong, but this guy is full of wisdom, learned a lot thank you! 😂
I like his mustache!
He does have a slight semblance to Hyphonix. At first I felt like I'd showed up to class, this was the sub, and the professor would soon be found tied up in the supply closet.
"Don't mess with other people destiny" Damn such a great line, one can't assume that know all the facts, we just have an outsider perspective
Why would you EVER assume to have all the facts?
@@the_Rade at least have certain knowledge to feel able to suggest things, just dont
I tried following this formula with my friend who vents to me and she texted me after to thank me for listening to her. That’s the first time I can recall her doing that in a long while.
Interesting points, definitely relatable by many means 🤔 but I disagree with your last one..
I think you're mistaking reassurance for "diversion" here.
To me, proper reassurance can make or break the attitude of a situation. Something like "Don't worry, we'll make it through this" can offer the confidence to continue when defeat is more obvious.
Sometimes, it can be a good thing to "stop feeling what we're feeling" when it's simply not fruitful and we otherwise rely on the charisma of our company to jog us out of a funk. It is important to experience our emotions, certainly.
In my experience, I've gotten stuck in some negative spirals and have felt very thankful to have someone give me reassurance to knock me out of it.
That's actually been a core theme for me lately, is finding opportunities to offer reassurance and inspire collective growth 😄
for some reason people have an above 90% wrong rate for diagnosing others, since we teach each other the most stupid reasons in pop culture and movies why people do stuff.
the "dont worry, youre overthinking, it will all be fine" is barely an attempt to make them stop feeling, its an attempt to make oneself feel better whilst not only ignoring the other persons emotion, but also sacrificing their physical safety. if someone says they lost their job, they might already be on the street with one leg or they wouldnt be so nervous that they rant to you that way, similar with when someone saying theyre scared of their tinder date.
in my experience, we should be proud for overthinking as long as it doesnt spiral into serious mental problems, instead of treating it like a bad thing and discouraging it.
I believe the wording of "don't worry, everything is going to be ok" conveys to your friend the message: You're going to get through the rough times but don't expect any help from me. If you offered any real advice you would be more specific about it. Not you, you. People on general :)
I used to always tell my ex girlfriend “you should sleep earlier.” “You should save more money.” She accepted my expectation of her on the outside but internally she felt like i wanted to change her. One day when i suggested she goes to sleep earlier she said its her life and not mine. This was almost half a year ago but now im finally learning from this that if your values dont align with someone elses, respect that and let them do what pleases them. Now i feel the only time you should suggest a change in someones behavior (instead of framing it as a change in THEM), it should be when they negatively affect you
You did nothing wrong, when men hear other people's problems they try to find solutions. If she can't understand you are not trying to control but help her, it's her mistake. And she'll make that mistake again when you're trying to avoid something that negatively affects you. If she doesn't want help, that's fine, but don't let her frame it as you controlling her.
@CvnDqnrU did you even watch the video 😂
exactly! very wise
"your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins."
Finally someone understands me, I had my suspicions regarding positive praising, (with an attachment) something my partner does to me. But trying to explain to someone who doesn’t get it, it just looks like I’m paranoid. A true praise without an attachment has a different energy.
Great tips! I agree with all of them…a big reason why I avoid opening up to people is the advice and reassurance…it is a turn -off as soon as I hear it! I’d love it if someone said, “I’m here to listen but I’m not giving advice.” In my opinion, just acknowledging you can understand that another human is having a human experience is often what is most helpful. Striving to be harmless to others in our communication is my key takeaway for this video. ❤
When people limit or label me, all I hear, rather than the label really, is that they are telling me they are a labeler. So I will call them out on it, turn the tables, and trap them in their own energy. They can misjudge me all they want. Trying to accept and live with everybody's misjudgment is nearly impossible, but trying to change everybody else so that they don't label you is literally impossible.
Labeler, labelled
Yea, I'm rude about it lol 😂
I will actively snark at them for projecting their own shit on me.
Can you give an example of how you do this?
Can you give an example of how you do this?
“my name has been Lewis” 😂 quote of the video. but nah fr when you said “if you praise and expect something in return that’s a transaction, not a praise.” i was like damnnnnn bars😭
How to avoid all this without sounding shallow...?? My girlfriend actually does that. she never judges, never gives advice, etc, but she sounds so shallow when she talks. she sound like ChatGPT and says stuff that is supposed to make you feel good but that doesn't help at all .
Maybe, if you have something judgemental to say, try to add that it's your opinion and you also migh be wrong, because you don't know everything, but you try to understand this person and the situatiion
Either accept its genuine or get used to not receiving encouragement or compliments bc those are your options
That's the price you pay for being "normal", normal = not interesting. You have to choose, do you want to be normal and tolerated by all or special and be hated by most? Your choice.
Lmaoo😂
I agree
I am very glad that there is a guy out there to teach me how to talk to other people this is litteraly all i needed
I've just verbalised to myself about your talk. You're very in tune to the subtitles and nuances in the complexities of one's issue or issues another is facing and how to validate them.
Apart from everything, that makes you very attractive!
subtleties
@ It's bloody auto corect as you type- well it didn't on corecr 🤪, but I don't always spot my errors visually.
@@Mcfreddo You don't need to see your errors visually. These aren't the subtleties you're looking for...
Since reading Meditations and being much more self-aware, it's rather easier to reflect on, and evaluate the conversations I have with people, I discovered that I prevent talking too much, or things that they would feel uncomfortable. For Pt. 9, I give advices because I genuinely want to help them, never thought that it could appear as insulting to the other party. Great video!
I think I'm tired of hearing the word “toxic” all the time
Yeah pretty much.
There have always been toxic people, we are just now better at identifying them, hence why there's suddenly more of them. But ofc the word toxic can still be overused and or abused, but generally I've seen it used more correctly than not
Nearly all Pokémon that can learn moves from TM can use TM06.
It's just one of those 'in' words. Buzzword.
lol but people are toxic most of them. And I’m tired of all of them
The piece about why we do these things is interesting in that it's a lack of grounding resulting in various projections. Only when we can sit with our own thoughts and emotional experience without doing these things to ourselves (easier said than done) can we really show up this way in conversation!
I heard the acronym in a support group once: no FRACKING - Fixing, Rescuing, Advising, Changing, Killing (their experience, i.e. invalidating). This video is a very accessible breakdown of these sneaky common habits!
We all like to think that we live by the golden rule of treating others how we want to be treated, but all of that goes out the window when it comes to everyday social interactions.
People don't want advice. They just want to be heard.
This is equivalent to: "i don't want a possible solution to my problem i just want to complain "
Don't generalize people some do and some don't. Oh shit you just want to be heard i'm sorry
Massive generalisation. If I share a problem with someone, I'm generally hoping to receive some helpful feedback and advice. Getting a generic response like "yeah I hear you bro, I'm not going to give you any advice, I'm just here to listen" would be frustrating as hell.
I think people often overlook that it's fine to give advice if the person asks for it - it's so simple to complain and say, "what can I do? do you have any advice?" if they want advice. Likewise, if one HAS advice, they can ask "would you like some advice?" knowing that the other person may or may not want it.
Advice is great in that you can learn from others' experiences, but sometimes it's just not the time or place lol
Think about it, if you feel a "need to be heard", there's a subconscious reason for that
humans evolved to do that FOR A REASON
You WANT someone to fix your problem for you, without you owing them any gratitude or compensation
because you "didn't ask for help".
9: The worst vice is advise. That one we have in Germany too: "Ratschläge sind Schläge" "Advice can be a slap in the face." 😊
It's 4 AM and I haven't slept well, so please bear with me.
I completely understand the need to share difficulties, especially when dealing with complex emotions-sometimes just having someone listen can be incredibly comforting. The wrong words can easily make someone feel as though their struggles are entirely their fault or a result of incompetence.
However, it can become a bit tiresome when a person repeatedly brings up the same problem without any intent to work toward a solution. If it's the first time they're discussing a particular issue, I can empathize with their need for support. But when they revisit the same concern multiple times within the same group of friends, it starts to feel burdensome and repetitive.
@@SamanthaManning-xy8fu
If they do that they probably don’t realize it and are possibly dealing with some level of PTSD. And too, issues don’t always just quickly go away.
13. Assuming that someone wants to sit and listen to you go on and on about your problems at a moment's notice. 😁
"Life is lawck a bawx of chawcklets !"
This is why I don't talk. I'm not gonna spend the mental energy to navigate this mind field. Going "hmm" and "oh?" Goes a long way for me.
😊 I get you, bc I do the same. My problem is absorbing the bs, and then I get angry out of nowhere bc of what someone said yesterday to me, last week, or even last year. So I’ve learned to walk away from bs, OR calmly speak the truth to that person & then walk away.✌🏼
@@jrs2024 it's bs all the way down buddy. We bs ourselves all the time. It's what keeps our fragile minds from shattering. Gotta let go of it all. You have to set boundaries of course, don't let others bs ruin your life.
@@jrs2024 Emotional Repression 101
I'm getting there myself.....
Same, it feels easier and no bs drama
It feels like avoiding doing everything you listed changes it from an actual conversation, to just listening to someone complain. Context of the conversation should preempt these rules.
Forget? This video will no doubt be of benefit. Li nk with your quote re be interested. Another is ‘ The measure of a person is not what they say but the questions that they ask’ Have an inquisitive and rewarding life
Hey, this is a really excellent video. I love your candid honesty for real. The thing is though, the last one is rough, reassurance. I 1 hundred percent agree with you that, when you are saying to people: don’t feel what you feel ~ that is absolutely true and I’m so glad that I watched your video to be reminded of that. But also, when you talk to people that are getting older, and they look back in time, they really enjoy those moments when there were people there that said, “hey, it’s going to be OK. “
You know because the universe can be chaotic and anxious and mean …stressful etc. if we’re lucky, someone with a strong spirit …somebody brings a little bit of light in there, and you delight in that and are thankful that it didn’t get darker.
And I just discovered why I was so “obstinate” as a a kid-I was reacting to how belittling and controlling my parents were, rather than things they would ask me to do.
There must be parents somewhere who ask their children what they want and how they feel.
Mine barked orders, answered any questions with Because I Say So, then stepped back and expected instant compliance.
And, years later, wondered why I didn't want to ask or tell them anything.
Ordering is an important part of parenting. A parent is higher in the family "hierarchy" than a child. And every authority figure has to inforce their position. This applies to conversations as well. Thus ordering becomes a tool for the parents. An important tool, which they have to wield wisely. Using too little and too much will lead to a loss of respect from the children. I saw both scenarios unfold throughout my years.
Great video! Ive implemented all of these strategies in conversation, and now sit in silence until it is my turn, then release a guttural bird screech to ket them know they can continue
I can’t imagine telling my friend how bad my day has been and they respond with, I’m here to listen. I would think they are not interested in helping me. It feels like they are saying, blah blah blah
My coworkers are all great listeners. Weirdest barbecue ever. 15 people, one person talking at a time, non-personal questions only. A lot of nods and "life-is-hard" sighs. Very depressing. On the scale of being yourself to being non-toxic, I prefer the lever at 2/3 on the being yourself side.
Sounds like the problem of a BBQ without a bouncy castle (IMO)
I've had a similar experience. Feels like everyone's reading from a script.
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say when someone vents other than reassure or give advice. Those just seem like the natural things to do😕
Ahh venting, a tricky thing…. you didn’t ask me 😅 but thought to share incase someone else wanted to know. I ask my daughters to warn me in advance that they need to vent to me, and so it gives me a fair chance to snap out of my task-at-hand and fully listen with care, knowing they just need a safety net. Not gonna lie, I WANT to immediately jump in with a solution or a defense, bc I hurt seeing them in pain. When the venting is done, I ask if they need help. Otherwise, I check in with them later if the problem has been remedied. With family, I appreciate an open communication channel.
But at work, I vent/discuss only work stuff to my boss, and then ask for assistance or I propose possible solutions. Within my team, I ask for permission first to vent, like with my daughters, & require the same permission request from them. ✌🏼
I always listen to the other person’s venting, then ask if they want my thoughts or advice. If I vent to a friend, I will ask for their advice. I would feel brushed off if the person I spoke to only said they’re here for me.
I think each situation would depend on circumstances, I don’t think there’s a one size fits all .
That sticky eraser is a technology I've never seen before!
This is how ChatGPT talks back to you. So be like a robot when you are around others, be agreeable and basically just nod your head and repeat back what they just said. Honestly, it’s exhausting and boring. I find I just avoid being around others unless we are doing a project together, something physical that I can listen but have something else I’m working on.
Spot on!
About reassuring. I think there's times that people want exactly that. I've had friends who just wanted to hear that things will workout. Nothing more, nothing else. I'm normaly reluctant to say so, and I normally say "I don't know how things we'll go, but we can to figure something out". But sometimes I say that things will go well, because I've seen them solve their problems before, and I know probability is on my side. I don't think I'm suit to listen people vent without trying to dissect the case. And people have generally been more thankful to me when I tried to help them think and organize what they are feeling. And I felt better too that way. But as I said in another comment, I think this video still provides really important useful points that will be helpful, despite one agrees with everything at 100% or not.
You sound like a supportive friend.
The most terrible people in existence are fully up to date with all "information" like this and appeal to the most high-grade therapeutic new-speech as they cease thinking like actual human beings in relationships.
You’re absolutely right, couldn’t have said it better
How do we get the average person to adopt a growth mindset and shed their victim mentality? Then all these points become null and void.
@za4ria you're right, making mistakes and taking responsibility for them.
Is a great way to connect with people and show that you are also human. Because everyone makes mistakes.
You want to be relatable and not and asshole, this video is just about not being an asshole.
@NewelOfKnowledge to Number 10 there is a 4'th reason: the person is to overwhelmed by their own problems, they feel triggered by almost everything and can't focus on anything else. Unfortunately this condition exists and can even stay for years
In defense of robots. I must say that almost all of the mistakes or toxic things mentioned seem to be the most logical course of action.
Perhaps there are more problems in the receiving people than in the transmitters of these "toxic things"
I'm not saying it's wrong to expect comfort, support, approval, affection...
But most of those "toxic things" are really a search, exploration, experimentation and collaboration towards the TRUTH and SOLUTION of real problems.
The fault may not be in these "toxic" actions. But in the inability to receive constructive criticism, precise diagnosis, well-founded objections and in general everything that suggests changing something about one's self-image, self-esteem or ego.
The issue is addressing these directly, unsolicited, is counterproductive to inspiring change in others.
People kinda have to choose to change of their own accord; being too direct triggers ego defenses and “blinds” others.
the difficult part is when do you give someone a logical solution to their problem, if they're breaking down and splitting at the seams over something is it wise to hit them with cold hard facts or help them ease into being comfortable with a new perspective on the issue later
People thesedays are so irrational that they consider opposing opinions as toxic and offensive
Right ?!
Yes they think conflict equals abuse.
Did you call me black?
@@CallSaul489No Kamala. Indian
Listen,
say ''it really do be like that'',
nod,
repeat.
optional: throw in some occasional ''i see''/ ''i feel u''
(great video btw)
Manipulation isn't inherently negative. A massage is manipulation, and folding laundry is manipulation. The key is to be aware of when you are doing it and checking your motivation for why you are doing it.
Thanks for the tips. I spend a lot of energy avoiding people and now I feel I have more tools to help me in that endeavour.
😂👍🏻
We do not have to answer everyone who tries to strike up a conversation with us while we are only trying to walk down the street too. Nor do we have to walk at the same slow pace that everybody else is there at the time.
If you follow this street, you will become another person, but never more yourself.
This ❤
Very true. It's so black and white and bereft of nuance. Ironically, it comes across as shallow.
@@govurma 'bereft of nuance'; nice parse! Thanks for sharing it.
7:48 im dying when you put a reaction to the casually vulgar things you say sometimes 🤣🤣🤣
😂😂
LEWIS. LOVE THAT YOU RESPOND TO COMMENTS. Yes, you are giving advice but we are “asking for it’ by tuning in and we can switch you off if so desired.
TOO FAST TALKING? I put speed on 0.75, listen to 10 minutes. Reflect on the data and continue some other time.
THANKS LEWIS. I have 2 daughters your generation and having shared mine I am learning from their own experiences
10:30 i am autistic and hate when people do this. i only mention the autism because non-autistic & autistic people have a sort of communication-style mismatch. the video is a good guide for talking to people you're not close to.
it feels flat & empty. did the person i'm speaking to *really* listen, or are they just auto-responding?
there are individual responses to everything...
There’s this guy I’ve been talking to but didnt really like him for some reason, and I finally found the reason, he somehow does every single one of these things 😭😭
Conversely, my girlfriend ABIDES by all of these rules and I hate that.
When I'm venting I want her advice. I value her advice. But she refuses to give it -- all I get is "that must be hard". It feels unhelpful to me.
I would love her to share a similar time in her life to comfort me, or offer some solutions I might have not thought of. Moreover, even the conversation itself can help me think of the solutions I need.
I don't like being on the receiving end of this "giving space" stuff, as crazy as it sounds.
@@Fireflyepic then say so my friend. tell her "i would really like it if you would help me feel less alone in my problems by sharing some of your experiences".
don't expect her to know, we're humans, not mind readers :p
It’s tempting to give advice and try to fix things if its hard to see/feel the pain of others.
Aaah thank you!! "Stop feeling what you're feeling" is exactly the phrase I need to deal with people concisely.
When you wag your finger you also shoot your thumb off toward an innocent bystander.
Your channel has been super helpful for me getting through some drama in my friend group. I’ve found my listening skills have gotten much better and I felt I was much more capable of handling the situation with mature conversation! Appreciate you big dog 💪
Thank you tom hardy 😭❤️
Im really glad i found your channel. I wasnt able to communicate why i dont get on with my mother n law and intuitively i knew something was wrong. She does all these things.
😂
13. All of these are guidelines, to keep in the back of your head during your conversations.
All of them have appropriate times and ways to be broken.
In fact, I would love a follow-up video with at least one example of breaking each rule in a constructive way.
If you can do that, you have really mastered this topic ;)
Give examples where breaking these rules with someone you care about is constructive.
@@Zachary910 Are you an actual snail or something? You really can't think outside of your shell?
1. Criticism can absolutely be constructive and necessary with someone you care about. I've had lots of rough criticism from people I care, and who care about me, that I needed to have. I've also given some. What I've done is reduce the amount and frequency and approach of negative feedback overall, but sometimes there's no other way.
2. Obviously name calling can be done in constructive ways, as long as you are aware and observant of the effect it has on someone, and are aware of the fact that you might need to stop it or change it depending on outcomes. It is extremely common in military units and other similar groups for guys to get nicknames that are somewhat mean, but that over time become a sign of acceptance into the group. Men name call and banter as a sign of affection and acceptance. It's like a whole psychological phenomena where you fuck something up, get a nickname based on your fuckup, you feel embarassed over it for a time, but then you grow up and accept it and don't let it get to you, and now you're part of the group.
3. Diagnosing. Of course we diagnose, we're looking for explanations for behavior. And, shocking, I know: sometimes we're correct. My old boss loved to do this shit to me, and he was spot on most of the time, which helped me become more self-aware and grow as a person. One specific example: he pointed out that I am overly attached to being right. (Yes, I see the irony)
Have I made my point sufficiently for you?
When someone shares with me I assume they want genuine feed back, not vague statements that could be plugged into any conversation. When I share and people do that to me I assume that person doesn’t actually care and I shouldn’t come to them in the future. Sharing is already embarrassing. The vague statements “oh that’s too bad” is like they’re not even engaged in listening they’re just waiting on timing. It’s so fake.
This is brilliant. How to listen without putting our own baggge/idealogy/perspective into the dialogue without being asked. Or getting entangled in other’s lives in a negative way. Three fingers pointing back: loads of karma. Stay in your lane. I’m a green crayon - you’re a red crayon. Why do I think I can tell you how to color better? ❤
It's a bold statement that all people hate themselves
But it’s true that you only criticize people for what you hate about yourself. You don’t have any emotional reaction to people doing things that you are okay with in yourself. You’re only emotionally triggered and critical of others actions when they are things you struggle with yourself. It’s safer for the ego to deal with issues for other people than itself. It’s a cute little defense mechanism. Everyone should check in with themselves and what they don’t like and change that part of themselves. It’s amazing, once you change yourself, that stuff just doesn’t bother you when others do it! Because you were never hating / angry / critical of that other person- what that other person was doing was just reminding you what you hated about yourself 🤯
@@alumsdizzle Bullshit. You see someone beat on their child, you tell them it's not okay. That's not predicated on you having done it yourself and hating yourself for it - quite the opposite. There is such a thing as right and wrong.
I don't know about hate but we tend to be harsher on ourselves than others. If we said to others what we say to ourselves. Giving compliments to others not giving the same to ourselves for the same achievement. For example
@@SpaghettiToasteryes, obviously. We are not talking about that here. We are talking about general conversation and connection with others here. Not actual hate crimes and abuse. We are trying to connect on how not to be the toxic people here. It’s pretty obvious you shouldn’t beat your kids. I mean, there’s laws for that..
Projections happen with both negative and positive experiences. You transfer your own reality without any filters to the outside world, building an external truth based on your own personal characteristics. Go ahead and do a little bit of research on the law of mirroring and you’ll find many psychological studies that affirm that your exterior acts as a mirror for your mind. It all boils down to your psyche protecting itself but also trying to help yourself grow into a better person :) ego science my friends!
That's so weird! My parents have always used "2 spiders" for the exact same reason. It came from a situation where an individual proclaimed he had "two spiders in the bath" as a way to divert from a friend's arachnid in a tub story 😂
I was worried that I will find out I'm toxic in conversations, but honestly all of these points were pretty obviously toxic to me, nothing new. I'm feeling proud of myself
I’m so happy there are people out there who understand this and talk like this intuitively! I grew up with a narcissist mom and the praising thing to manipulate was unfortunately picked up by me. Now I actively hold back my compliments if I realize it’s because I want something. I also am super emotional so it’s hard to not to give solutions because I don’t like to be so vulnerable but it’s dismissive of other people’s feelings not to sit with them in their feelings too
Really helpful, Newell, thank you! My only contribution is to say that within listening there is a universe of options for asking questions that help the speaker process further and come away feeling less stuck, without you as the listener having offered advice. Completely passive listening can enable a toxic person to run all over you, abuse your time, and transgress boundaries. Good questions can help an emotional person find their footing, hear themselves talk, and consider other perspectives without you the listener telling them what to think.
i have social anxiety, so i already don't talk to people much. i overthink everything said in a conversation. im sure this video will definitely totally help me.