👌More videos can be found on this topic at ruclips.net/p/PLcB3trehXswgW-61D3FvRNO7nq_AHkxma&si=aMaTR2qO8mQ3p8y5 ❤️Self help activities and worksheets and concierge coaching with Dr. Snipes can be accessed at DocSnipes.com 👍Online Courses for Continuing Education (CEU, OPD, CPD) and Substance Abuse Counselor Certification
The saddest part is that people with these toxic behaviors are so difficult to spot until they suck up everything out of you and then life becomes perpetual hell for you with no escape ! And also they are everywhere hiding like predators!
The more you become aware of the tactics and the effects of trauma,, the quicker you spot them and the faster you remove yourself from / combat the toxic behaviours
Often we have blind spots and our ‘red flag meters’ are distorted or broken. This happens in programming through childhood, where we learn subconsciously to not pay attention to some red flags (or even yellow flags) in some cases. We then don’t “see” these warnings. Not because they aren’t there, but because some aspect of their behavior feels “familiar” and not red flag worthy. Once we do deep healing, address our core wounds, reprogram our subconscious, address our conditioning…our red flag meters recalibrate. We can more easily identify those warnings in other people early on. It is amazing to get to that point, have self trust, and know that you’ll be able to identify the more subtle indicators. It’s like having blinders removed.
@@Alphacentauri819 I’m in the midst of this transformation. I should try and describe what it feels like and the thought process that leads to engaging with someone even though the are glowing red trouble. I feel like I don’t have the right to dismiss a potential friend because I’m so agonizingly lonely that beggars can’t be choosers. Also, since I have moments of dysregulated behavior myself, I dismiss a lot and ppl “getaway” with a lot of bullshit. Afraid of conflict so I may be bashful about what I really want and need, get ignored and then I’m pissed off and keep my distance.
Hello, I am toxic lol On a serious note I’ve been working on myself for a while now because I realized how I hurt people around me due to my insecurities, traumas, etc. These videos have helped me process and understand my issues so I can heal. Thank you for this. To those of you out there in toxic relationships, it’s not always just the other person, take responsibility and take a good look at yourself and make sure your own house is in order. Much love.
Thank you for this - "trying to take their pain away is toxic because you're depriving them of the ability to work through their own pain." Very insightful info for an empath. Ty
Good for you! 🎉 I’ve also had the misfortune to have met such toxic people at church, but I know that not all church-goers are like that. I just don’t feel like going anymore.
Dr. Dawn-Elise, I have been going through some turmoil in the past year and the concepts you cover in your videos really help me make sense of things. Thank you so much for what you do, and making it so available/accessible. Get well soon!
Just weighing in to offer support and encouragement from a fellow turmoil-dweller, specifically involving my family of origin. The whole process is both extremely painful but also enriching, if you do the work of honest self-assessment (are you reacting to legitimate guilt, shame, fear or obligation, or others' projection of these onto you?) and establishing firm, reasonable boundaries. This is so hard to do, or was for me, because the toxic person will initially react very negatively to the 'new' you. But soldier on with calm decency, respect and civility, keeping your thoughts, opinions, and personal information to yourself, and you'll eventually teach others how to treat you. Those who never intended to treat you with respect and civility, or simply cannot do so, will quickly exit themselves from your life.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Very true. So much time and energy saved when one no longer feels obligated to try to figure out what just happened and how to fix it.
@@eurokay4755 I feel you 100%... Can I ask, did your fam exit themselves from your life? how often do y'all talk, if you still do, how has your situation improved? Do you feel they've accepted 'the new you'?
“I’m rubber, you’re glue, bounces of me, sticks to you”. First time to hear this. Holding this one in my head. Nice big of self talk, first step of a strategy to get space. Thank you.
I really can't find a way to tell an extremely toxic person that they are entitled to their feelings but I see it differently. Not when I am made out to be the person who has ruined their life by having my own needs. When they demand "my way or the highway" and you get beaten up emotionally for just existing or expressing a need or concern, I really don't see any way to take care of myself except to stay away. Sick and tired of walking on eggshells!!!!!!
Thanks. I agree. I put up impenetrable boundaries against these 🧛♂️ 🦇 🧛♀️. Just sitting in a chair breathing n these psychopaths launch a spewing of toxins.
I am pondering on all the toxicity I experienced over years. I have never heard any psychologist speak about toxic behaviors beyond peers, family and partners. I've experienced boundary violations at a job. It was hurtful and I couldn't put my finger on what that experience come from. Thank you for the video. It has changed how I view toxic behaviors and whether my boundaries are being violated or whether I am setting proper boundaries for myself. Thank you so much.
You must be an excellent therapist. Never heard so much real information with understanding and kindness, and intelligence. Love listening to your information, interpretation and suggestions. This is very valuable, more so than the ones by the most popular psychologist on YT.
Responding to other people's behaviors by respecting self boundaries and their's, recognizing toxic behavior and how to respond without judgment. Reconceptualizing toxic behavior as frantic strategies from someone who feels unsafe to take back your power.This is so helpful thank you very much.
Thank you so much for taking of your time and energy to help some of us be better people and more effective communicators. Undoubtedly, this has been helpful to me and I’ll need to watch it several times.
This is what I am trying to get out of right now. This popped up and everything on the video so true. Makes me realise I'm not going mad. Please give me strength to finish this nightmare
Really good to hear a psychologist call out the toxic relationships we can have with the systems we are born into - these include social, educational, legal, medical.....
@@DocSnipes I've watched a few of your videos and the content is very clear, practical and helpful. Thank you that this content is free and available for everyone. I'm sure loads of us are appreciative and have benefited from your videos. The last couple of years have been quite challenging in our increasingly authoritarian societies.... I'm trying to become more aware of my thoughts and feelings in the moment. Recognising my triggers which pull me towards conditioned (thoughtless) responses rather than what I want for myself is important. It's also about trusting myself when invalidated by others - listening to and respecting others but not seeking their approval. I aim to take responsibility for my decisions and not beat myself up if I feel I didn't choose well. It often feels like swimming against the tide but it gets easier with practice and confidence. Just going along with what we're told is not an option if we want a meaningful life.
Thank you. One of my favorite key reminders/take aways from today - Ir’s actually a toxic behavior when you jump in and fix something for someone and try to take away their pain because it’s Depriving them of their ability to work through their own pain. The old me used to feel like a bad person if I didn’t help the people around me and fix everything. However, now I see that I’m actually doing them a disservice and hurting them in the long run if I always jump in and save them. I am a proud, recovering helpaholic/fixahoilc 😜and my life is so much freer.
It’s sad bc so many of us come from traumas, etc & are toxic ourselves while also getting with another toxic person, then it becomes a crazy mix of good & bad times constantly like a wild scary rollercoaster 🎢 of ups & downs, rushes of bliss then crashing into a mess of toxicity that often is abusive in various ways. 😞💔
Maybe a life change is in order. I signed up for college at age 29 to get out of unhappy marriage with two kids, and graduated with two degree in University with high honors six years later, two years taken off working full time as RN in hospital. So had three degrees, and changed my life totally, lots of options. Name of the game is keep your options open. Funny thing, so excited about starting college appeared first day and no one at the community college. Asked the janitor what was up, no one there. He said college started the next week. LOL. Over eager, but overall loved CC and graduated there with honors.. Lot of good jobs with only one to two years AD needed, higher pay and fun to meet younger people or just ore people. Woke me out of deep depression and abusive marriage. Get the College course requirements and degrees offered, and meet people get new ideas of careers. And can get grants and scholarships and had little to repay. Some jobs will pay you to go back to school, and get a degree. If you work ask your employer.
Some things I'm learning from two toxic people is growth tolerance, patience ,and understanding as well as maturity, so toxic people can be a learning lesson (at least for me I do!)
I learned a lot from the toxic people in my life. And, I learned a few things about myself during those relationships. I learned: Why I tolerate such behaviors; why I attract toxic people into my life; and the areas I need to heal.🙂
Lack of empathy and Wilfulness (versus willingness) can be particularly challenging issues with which to work. Love DBT, but people have to want to really work it.
@@echase416 narcissist don't care how bad they act or what they do to others ,They destroy you and spend all their time convinceing everyone you did it to yourself !
Wow. You just stopped me in my tracks. I was listening but also multi-tasking. I've always thought toxic behaviors in OTHERS. But when you started talking about toxic behaviors to self ... 😳 Wow. I've got to re-listen to that again. "How we treat ourselves is how we will allow others to treat us". HUGE. I've got to think on this one - how I'm being toxic to myself.
Kids know to hate the people like me the instant we meet. My parents moved a lot, so thousands upon thousands hated me on sight. I live alone and never talk to anyone-. Best I can do for you,'all.
@@patricialongo5746 I can relate as my childhood was similar, never had a friend in school since it was a new one for twelve years, more or less, the last four in foster homes that were not nurturing but there for a purpose, babysit for the 5 kids, or cash for the old lady income who was worn out as a foster mother and Catholic Social Services never sent checks wtihout a few reminders that made her resent us. So I actually have been successful after a 11 year foster marriage, treated like the burden although I always handed over my checks and was a good wife, provided nutritious meals, loved my two children til teen years when ex-husband set things up, but he was always the taker. Then after successful college had responsible job I held my high standards I held to my standards, respected and envied, and loved being alone after full day doing inspections of health care facilities. Was appreciated by some and feared by others who were borderline. Peoples lives are all so different, it is hard to find quality people to connect, not a reflection of you. Lower your standards and have lots of friends, but why do that? Most have limited interests to connect when alone and kids gone. Likely the kids didn't hate you but it felt that way because they did not know you. You likely a special person, as most are average or less. Consider myself well adjusted, well informed , and my best conversations are with myself, play devils advocate and do reality checks often. Am not mentally ill, just self dependent and been whistle blower more than once which made my life very difficult but do not regret, as believe God would approve of my value system. Not intending to be judgmental as I do not know you but can relate to you. It is good to be your own best friend. Never know when a similar kind person will appear in your life but take care as too many people take advantage of gentle people they know are somewhat isolated. Most people never have more than a couple good friends and seeing couples out to dinner throughout dinner that never talk to one another stopped my pity party attitude. Many people live with people that they cannot relate to or are abusive or have nothing in common for years for security. Why? Get my choice in food, music, and find many friendly people just doing errands. Enjoy giving to others. Like yourself as your are honest and reached out. Doubt you have any reason to hate you, someone told you that and you bought it. Reconsider it.
That’s “Soul Work”. Vs looking outside for the answers or support, our vision often gets squeed. The Ego has it planned that way! It keeps us either looking at the past or future for the answers when in fact like Eckerd Tolls famous book “ The Power of Now” written in 17 languages that gets us to see the Ego and how it manipulates us, check it out. You won’t be able to put it down!
If it fits, write an essay on bias or fit it into a response to a biased question. Acknowledge that their point of view exists, however, there are others, not necessarily you that have a different perspective. Point out the definition of critical thinking, they can't argue a defined concept that's a core part of learning. Thinking critically is huge in college and beyond, to criticize it, would make them look dumb.
My husband and my sister teamed up against me five years ago when I decided to end my highly abusive marriage, and cancelled my POA to my sister over mismanagement of my inheritance. Together they stole my inheritance, and in order to discredit me have alienated so many people against me including my adult children by telling them all kinds of lies about me. I have tried exposing their lies through different means of communication to no avail. My daughter who used to call me several times a day stopped talking to me, and I have not seen her children for over four years. I even suggested to them family therapy a few years ago. But, they are not interested telling me that I have gone crazy. I decided to seek therapy myself because I started blaming myself for staying in the abusive marriage for a long time for the sake of my children who have turned their backs on me when I need them the most. I don’t know what else to do to get my children back.
I can't help but feel that when a person is consistently talking over me louder than me and will not let me get a word in edgewise and their opinion what they have to say is more important than anything that I may feel think want or need
Maybe the reason they become toxic is they you are looking to them to give you something that they are unable to and activates toxicity due to a sense of inadequacy. Toxic people need love but it is the one thing that is denied. People aren't born toxic, they become that way through lack of love and nurture. We are all in the same boat. People who are good, and nice, and socially welcomed..... even they can be toxic in the right situations. No one is better, just some people are worse.
The European institutions are full of these people. I believe that the organizational culture instigates narcissistic passive-agressive behaviours and drama. It is all about power, cohercive behaviour and bullying.😔
Coercive behaviour is now crime in UK. Financial abuse, starts as taking all bills . Don't worry I got that. But actually is not so nice, as you have no job nor access to your own money
I agree. I'm pain patient and get the cleaning woman pay cutter of. Since 1 year I'm mobbed and this despite doctors pros letters. They just care for money . With cleaning companies the same, they cheated on time and money that I can't count anymore. Besides, they dictate too high prices for unqualified people (30-35€ per hour) prices as demand much higher than market offer, the stupid person's nowadays do study or work in these areas
The whole video was good. The parts that were the most enlightening to me were: * 28:04 Recognizing how you’re a part of the toxic dance even if you are the object of emotional Transference from the other person’s past traumas. * I like your description of Projection- 28:34
Time is only wasted if you did not learn from it and if you did learn it has been a lesson not wasted time for if we do not learn from the past we will surely repeat it
And it's all on you, to harmonize, make the dynamic between yourself and the loved one less detrimental. It takes up so much focus, processing while they get their digs in and carry on at will
Thank you this has been very helpful. (Understanding is very important key) I thought I was the only one with this type of problem. I feel more safe and can handle every toxic behavior that comes my way.
I appreciate you turning on the light bulb in my head! I can't live like this anymore and I feel so stuck but I've had enough...I figure more education would help me with that.
I did try one of the things that you suggested once I realized there was a problem I always look at myself first to see how I'm contributing or what have I done or what did I do and once I see that I didn't do anything but give love and respect to this person then it made me just try to hang on to this person by letting the toxicity bounce off until it became dangerous for me so I removed myself I'm out of the situation set boundaries
This is very vital ‼️ having your wisdom and finding this channel was a divine intervention ‼️🥳 thank you Dr, praise God for tools to get better emotionally and mentally
I rarely use this word when trying to describe a youtube video content, but I have got to say that this is absolutely beautiful. The way you present each kind of toxic behaviour and the various examples in order to make your point clear shows your profound knowledge and expertise. Thank you for allowing me to learn so much from you so I can incorporate that newly gained knowledge into my life for the better.
You did an excellent job of sharing this critical information with us. There are toxic individuals in my midst who are incapable of watching a film together because the film is not about them. They are not the focal point. The film is. As a result, they either sit there with a vacant, blank expression on their face or exit the room, never saying anything positive about what is, for the majority of people, a wonderful, exciting, wholesome film. My family system is encircled by toxic individuals. As an artist, I am fortunate to be able to create a "artificial world" in which I can live in peace and productivity.
Honestly Donna I'm Scotty Wilson I suffer from a lot of what you talk about your a big help to me I've been suffering from PTSD depression I used to be a violent person and have 7 kids in care due to addiction and dv your a beautiful person thanks for putting your video's up on you tube I'll say a prayer for you and may something good come your way...give someone you love a big kiss...I'll keep watching your videos ...and will have a question regarding your videos next time ...may God bless your cotton socks...
Thank you for sharing this information. Now I know why I am not happy in my current relationship - too much toxic behavior for me to stay. My partner exhibits so much of this behavior and I also see my part. I want to get mentally healthy now, and I can’t do it staying there. It’s the same scene every day. Time to move on. 🤗
I am grateful for you being here and watching the video and I am sorry if anyone has ever turned people against you. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=toxic
As promised here are the answers to the rest of yesterday's chat questions. Open to read more...it is a couple of pages Could we correlate this video with how to be a positive partner in an intimate relationship? Here is a 5 part series of short videos on developing secure attachment to be a positive partner in relationships www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fVlZ... Here is a video on attachment based parenting and RE-parenting www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziekq... All four of these statements (made by you all) are very wise. 1. Sometimes when someone is toxic and wouldn't get it ever. you simply remove yourself from the situation if they are very toxic they are not gonna hear what " i feel". 2. I believe knowing when to disengage with those types of people are very important. Some may get the hint others may not. 3. How do you get somebody who thinks that they are oppressed and the world is against them to realize that only they can be the ones to change? but they won't listen. they just become mad.. 4. I can only control me… I can only do the best I can in the world I have. Sometimes it is too scary for people to hear alternate opinions or even opposing facts. You can only change yourself. At that point it is necessary to decide if you can figure out how to "agree to disagree" and maintain a healthy relationship otherwise or, in the case of the person who insists on trying to violate your boundarries and change your mind and behavior, put distance between you. Tips on battling guilt after losing friends due to toxic behavior? If it is due to your toxic behavior, then self-forgiveness will be the ultimate goal, recognizing you were doing the best you could with the tools and awareness you had at the time. You can attempt to make amends. You can learn from the experience so you do not lose other friends. Often it is a gradual process to win back friends, but it is very possible. If it is due to their toxic behavior, then it is important to recognize a hard choice you made to protect yourself and recognize your worth as a person. They have the ability to change, make amends and rekindle the friendship---the proverbial ball is in their court. It can be agonizing if they do not make the change, but again, it is likely more about them and their fears and trauma that prevent them from changing than their lack of caring about you. Give yourself room to grieve not only the loss of the friendship, but also the loss of the hopes for the future you had related to that friendship (future travels, growing old together etc). Consider anger you might have at them for being unwilling to change and how that makes you feel powerless and may increase anxieties about losing future friends who become toxic. Consider anger you might have at yourself for allegedly not trying hard enough (they will want you to think it is your fault). What are the facts for and against the things you feel guilty about? In recovery I encourage people to make a decision sheet about why they want to stop the addiction. You can also do this for why you want or need to end a relationship. What are the pros and cons of staying in the relationship? What are the pros and cons of ending the relationship? Try to eliminate the pros of staying in the relationship (i.e. find someone else to go hiking with) and the cons of "breaking up" (What can you do to bridge the gap so you feel less lonely?) Keep this sheet handy so if you start to romanticize the relationship and contemplate going back to the toxicity you can remember more objectively what it was really like. If a person’s troubles are (almost) all interpersonal, is it just best to stay away from relationships? My gut reaction is no. However, it is important to first develop a healthy relationship with self, start learning what healthy relationships with others look like and then gradually dip your toe back in, starting with someone who is objectively safe or embark on the process of developing new relationships with the help of a coach. Letting go and accepting others has been irritating. Letting go means choosing to stop trying to control or keep the other person. It can be very disempowering when people do not do what you think they "should." Sometimes it feels like a proverbial slap in the face if they do not do what you want---which may pose a threat to your self esteem and can trigger anger. How do you deal with the toxic person who talks over you so that you’re not heard? Examine what their behavior is communicating. Do they have ADHD? Blurting and difficulty waiting their turn is a common symptom. It can be addressed but they first need to realize it. Are they steamrolling you because they do not feel heard? Stop. Listen. Paraphrase what they say... "You sound very passionate about.... Those are very interesting points. I am wondering if you have also considered / what you might think about ..... as well?" How do you point out a toxic behavior without making them feel judged? This is very tricky because the toxic person often is behaving that way because they are functioning from a place of fear and/or trauma. I encourage you to write it out and rehearse it with someone else or at least pretend it is something someone is saying to you and modify it until it is as supportive and compassionate as possible. Start out by helping them feel safe and accepted. "I love spending time with you" or "I really appreciate all you bring to the team..." Then identify why what you are getting ready to say is important. "I am excited about all of the things we can do/accomplish together." I recognize how uncomfortable it can be when people do not share your same opinions or beliefs. Then give concrete examples of the behavior and consider speculating about what they were feeling. "I have noticed when people contradict you that it is very triggering and you seem to get very angry. For example last week at lunch/in the staff meeting/etc. I am wondering if there is something I/we could do differently so you feel safer and more accepted." Some people will not be able to hear even the nicest, most constructive feedback without being triggered. Suggested literature on enmeshment, symptoms, identification, coping? Boundaries by Henry Cloud is a good book. Also anything on codependency or adult children of dysfunctional parents can be helpful. How to know and practice healthy boundaries and dating? Think of dating like a multi-part job interview. I have a video coming out on that hopefully today. Your friend is in a toxic relationship, hearing her distress is soul crushing & triggering, what do you do? run? Well, it sounds like it might be important to get some distance so it is not "soul crushing" That may mean not discussing the relationship and letting her know that hearing her distress is soul crushing & triggering. Since it is triggering, that tells me that you have some "stuff" that might be rearing its ugly head that still needs to be dealt with. It could be as simple as practicing mindfulness and grounding exercises to remember that you are safe in the present context and not in a bad relationship anymore. Or it might mean exploring something like EMDR to help integrate those trauma fragments so your amygdala (fear brain) isn't still trying to juggle them. Ultimately you will have to decide if you can keep the relationship and respect your boundaries or if you need (at least temporary) distance. In addiction recovery, sometimes people engage in "tough love" They stop enabling the person with the addiction and nurture their own boundaries, but let the person know they are welcome back in the relationship when they make certain changes and respect your boundaries. If i often criticize people for a reason, and they say that i like to grumble, does it mean that i am toxic? Without knowing specifics, I would wonder why you feel the need to criticize, if your feedback is helpful AND necessary and if it is being said in a way that is inspiring and kind. It can be hard to watch people do things in a way you perceive to be incorrect or inefficient. However, when people are criticized it of them makes them feel threatened. When something is necessary, how can you lead with the carrot instead of the stick. That is, instead of telling someone they are doing something wrong, asking if they might have also considered doing it differently.
Bottom line be willing to learn from your mistakes and even from others, be forgiving and try your best to love yourself and others. This was one of the best videos I’ve seen on this subject. Congratulations.
I have toxic behavior coming from every part of my life. You helped to respond in a positive and healthy way that is very effective. I love the way you explain behavior roll of mine and toxic person ad well. I didnt know I had a roll in this toxic relationship.
Thank you so much for your wisdom, your thoughts, your videos.. So insightful ♥️ I'm still healing and learning and practicing positive ways of communicating, listening and doing♥️
Thank you! I was seeing a widower for 8 months ( whose wife died 5 years ago) he led me up the garden path in terms of speaking about marriage etc but felt very distant at times. He did a grief course for 13 weeks and I gave him the space as he was unable to commit. Clearly after the course he still wasn’t ready and told me he’s going to stay single. It’s been a very painful time …..
I met one guy who is still attracted to his wife he's selerated not single im glad i told the minister this old minister his best friend is truly not my type of guy. Dude way too old‼🗣📣👼🏾🙏🏾👐🏾👏🏾🙌🏾🤚🏾👼🏿Amen and Amen
Consider you missed a train wreck. Good he was honest with you. But he saw something in you he liked and surely other guys not grieving will find you a treasure.
I have found some of these recommendations to be exhausting. I finally said "Go fix yourself!" Coddling, so-called supporting and ignoring made things much worse, it was dishonest, at it's core. Impossible to maintain on an ongoing basis. I found it best to take a good hard look at the situation until my own denial melted away and I could see the insurmountable nature of my own limitations, regarding my ability to help the problem.
This is helpful in a whole bunch of situations. Thank you! Would you like to make some short role plays about some of them? I also watch Patrick Teahan and his small theater pieces help a lot, too.
A string of pearls is Donnelly Snipes series of lectures-lessons. What a precious star she is. Whý haven't I met this wisdom for 40 years in the doctors and therapists offices? Youtúbe commneters are often prone to label people as BEING toxic, as if it were their given permanent being.
I had a toxic girlfriend that I couldn't let go of until 21, and realized I was basically getting robbed during those years with her. This video was so helpful in making me feel less crazy. Absolutely not all her fault, BUT really was terrible that the saga continued for so many years and I genuinely hated it every second of the way and afterwards. I couldn't even admit it out of fear until over 12 years later. Thanks for this very informative and educational video.
My grandma is toxic and there's no sugarcoating for her bs , pity and negativity. Those days are gone as an adult I set my boundaries with her. She's very invalidating towards my mother and aunt.
I pretend I don't notice toxic behaviors. I think life has offered me so many opportunities, I just don't think toxic people are worth the struggle to have them around.
This part is good but worth more discussion. 29:53 There IS a time to acknowledge a toxic person’s right to have their own opinions. But there is also a time not to say anything to them because that’s just adding gasoline to a raging fire. Also, some victims have cowered for so long that they need to STOP this type of behavior bc they aren’t truly doing it out of empathy but out of fear. This type of victim needs to build strength against the cowering response; ask me how I know ☹️.
You know becouse it has made you to a piont of misery for along time and you can't see away out becouse the person that is toxic has used every narcissistic abuse on you ! Don't look at it as loseing ,make a plan to save what you need to leave this place of doom and don't worry about the material things except your car and if there is only one them try to save for a cheap one to get when you are ready to leave , and expect the worst and be prepared to not handle it alone , go no contact , there is nothing to discuss at this piont ,it will just be a trick of all sorts , save yourself because they have no empathy and think they are right no matter how much damage they couse you ,and still expect you to do what they want ! I've had to start from scratch of everything,friends ,job ,church, ect. and be very poor and alone and I still feel better than with a toxic narcissist ,I'm rebuilding and I'm fine with it ! It was all the manipulation , gaslighting,threats , punishments, embarrassment, no one believeing me over them , watching their acting skills to convince others was sickening ,and very truamatizing to my health ! Find a support group ,it helps alot very quickly ,just my advice if anyone stuck in this situation , don't look back ! They are mentally ill and nothing you do can change them ,
You’re most welcome. I am grateful to be of service. Also, I’d be grateful if you were to share what you found most useful from the video. Additionally, if you're interested in more tips on the topic or if you want to explore my video library, you can use my AI: allceus.com/AskDocSnipes.
I believe some people are toxic, some have toxic episodes depending on life stages and experiences, others may give toxic events. I don't know everyone's circumstances, I don't like those who are constantly toxic❣
My husband is the type of person that when other's are around he ACTS SO LOVING etc Behind closed doors He comes at me To fight Argue etc???? He's so vengeful Like living with Jeckly and Hyde!! WHAT can I do I have nowhere to go? No family No friends I'd be homeless if I left? Desperate Confused Helllppppp
You may want to get in touch with a local, professional counselor... or other help. A national DV website with 800 number is here: ncadv.org/get-help Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
@@DocSnipes thank for giving such a clear answer. One part of intimate abuse is you are brain washed. “ Steps to Freedom “by Don Hennessy an excellent book for women in such a situation. I would say, cover it with different paper etc disguise it. Don’t leave it out.
My father was untreated NPD and I’ve been no-contact since I was about 21. I still have C-PTSD. It’s wild. I wish I knew how to articulate what was wrong as a kid and how to use these skills.
Dr. Gabor Mate does a really good presentation on 'implicit memory'. I haven't got to the bottom of things but it shone a light on 'where' these behaviour have their formation and how it becomes an environment like a dirty fishbowl. It might be helpful, I hope so Shannon. Cheers.
I've been watching these videos for several months now. They have been incredibly helpful in understanding myself and the people in my life. This video was especially helpful. Thank you so much, Dr. Snipes!
I'm being destroyed by toxic people. I learned my lesson with personal relationships I'm alone but my last two bosses bullied belittled and abused me. I'm about to be homeless because I can't find a job that the owner's/managers aren't sadistic.
Hi Tracie I know what it feels like I have been there before your story does resonate with me a lot I can't stand see nobody lose her job and be homeless because of toxic people I know what it feels like firsthand it is awful I've been put through hell myself and I survived it can't keep a good man down but if there is anyway that I can possibly help you just respond back to me let me know this is something that I would rarely do but I don't see nobody homeless either coming up to holidays to at that I know what it all feels like like I said I have been there I know what it feels like it's not a good feeling I know that it can make you feel deeply depressed and especially when you have to work and you have to deal with toxic people it does make it very hard to deal with them kind it makes you wonder now what do I do right don't give in to them because that's all they care about is bullying and manipulation and I'm really sorry you're having to go through this my friend God bless you and have a good day
Malignant narcissists don't respect boundaries or others feelings !!! Show them NO Emotional Reaction as they feed off that fuel. Remove yourself from the emotional vampire and save your energy!!! Love your self
Consider different kinds of work then your past jobs where you had bad experiences. Ex.) Dog walker, cab driver, find jobs where your more independent in the work itself. Taking Shaolin Martial Arts class also helps healing and is empowering for your mind !!! Victim No More
Oh I got two more months of this narcissist step mother..you have described this person to a T..... it just amazes me how this kind of human can actually sleep at night...my nerves are just raw from having to bite my tongue......oh I thank you so much for this knowledge..I feel sane now....lol.. .lord be with me and guide me through til I'm gone..... My self has been put on the back burner til I leave I have no choice my father enables her behavior.....yeah.....
👌More videos can be found on this topic at
ruclips.net/p/PLcB3trehXswgW-61D3FvRNO7nq_AHkxma&si=aMaTR2qO8mQ3p8y5
❤️Self help activities and worksheets and concierge coaching with Dr. Snipes can be accessed at DocSnipes.com
👍Online Courses for Continuing Education (CEU, OPD, CPD) and Substance Abuse Counselor Certification
The saddest part is that people with these toxic behaviors are so difficult to spot until they suck up everything out of you and then life becomes perpetual hell for you with no escape ! And also they are everywhere hiding like predators!
Thanks for watching.
The more you become aware of the tactics and the effects of trauma,, the quicker you spot them and the faster you remove yourself from / combat the toxic behaviours
We learn through experience. Sometimes we see the signs but people havent done anything specifically to us.
Often we have blind spots and our ‘red flag meters’ are distorted or broken. This happens in programming through childhood, where we learn subconsciously to not pay attention to some red flags (or even yellow flags) in some cases.
We then don’t “see” these warnings. Not because they aren’t there, but because some aspect of their behavior feels “familiar” and not red flag worthy.
Once we do deep healing, address our core wounds, reprogram our subconscious, address our conditioning…our red flag meters recalibrate. We can more easily identify those warnings in other people early on. It is amazing to get to that point, have self trust, and know that you’ll be able to identify the more subtle indicators. It’s like having blinders removed.
@@Alphacentauri819 I’m in the midst of this transformation. I should try and describe what it feels like and the thought process that leads to engaging with someone even though the are glowing red trouble. I feel like I don’t have the right to dismiss a potential friend because I’m so agonizingly lonely that beggars can’t be choosers. Also, since I have moments of dysregulated behavior myself, I dismiss a lot and ppl “getaway” with a lot of bullshit. Afraid of conflict so I may be bashful about what I really want and need, get ignored and then I’m pissed off and keep my distance.
Hello, I am toxic lol
On a serious note I’ve been working on myself for a while now because I realized how I hurt people around me due to my insecurities, traumas, etc. These videos have helped me process and understand my issues so I can heal. Thank you for this. To those of you out there in toxic relationships, it’s not always just the other person, take responsibility and take a good look at yourself and make sure your own house is in order. Much love.
Keep on keeping on.
@messengeroftruth3811 I don’t think you understood the assignment my dude
Good for you 🙏🏻 Glad to hear this perspective
Thank you for this - "trying to take their pain away is toxic because you're depriving them of the ability to work through their own pain." Very insightful info for an empath. Ty
Still feel the guilt over trying to do with his with a partner. He has to learn on his time and how and what makes sense for him...
⁹o
9
This resonates for me. I have abandonment issues which is why I never stay in relationships. Maybe it's time to "fix" me. I'm only human after all
thank you.
A gentle man never insults a lady, not even as a joke!
Thanks for watching.
Truth!! Some people have been through a lot of abuse in life....and when a spouse speaks unkindly, it is very hard to receive.
Amen!!
Tell my husband that . Who cheated over n over but accused me
My husband does all this.
I just left a church full of toxic people‼ 🤷🏾♀️🗣📣Amen and AMEN
Good for you! 🎉 I’ve also had the misfortune to have met such toxic people at church, but I know that not all church-goers are like that. I just don’t feel like going anymore.
A lot of the toxic abuse is emotional abuse.
Thanks for watching and commenting.
All and any abuse passive/aggressive behavior touch’s all fronts… body, mind and spirit are all connected, their not exclusive…
Dr. Dawn-Elise, I have been going through some turmoil in the past year and the concepts you cover in your videos really help me make sense of things. Thank you so much for what you do, and making it so available/accessible. Get well soon!
Wow, Thanks so much! Glad I was able to help.
Just weighing in to offer support and encouragement from a fellow turmoil-dweller, specifically involving my family of origin. The whole process is both extremely painful but also enriching, if you do the work of honest self-assessment (are you reacting to legitimate guilt, shame, fear or obligation, or others' projection of these onto you?) and establishing firm, reasonable boundaries. This is so hard to do, or was for me, because the toxic person will initially react very negatively to the 'new' you. But soldier on with calm decency, respect and civility, keeping your thoughts, opinions, and personal information to yourself, and you'll eventually teach others how to treat you. Those who never intended to treat you with respect and civility, or simply cannot do so, will quickly exit themselves from your life.
@@eurokay4755 may not exit unfortunately. But the upside now you know it’s not you.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Very true. So much time and energy saved when one no longer feels obligated to try to figure out what just happened and how to fix it.
@@eurokay4755 I feel you 100%... Can I ask, did your fam exit themselves from your life? how often do y'all talk, if you still do, how has your situation improved? Do you feel they've accepted 'the new you'?
“I’m rubber, you’re glue, bounces of me, sticks to you”. First time to hear this. Holding this one in my head. Nice big of self talk, first step of a strategy to get space. Thank you.
Thanks for watching.
It is definitely exhausting and emotionally draining to deal with toxic people
Sadly, it is. Thank you so much for watching. What did you find most helpful from the video?
I really can't find a way to tell an extremely toxic person that they are entitled to their feelings but I see it differently. Not when I am made out to be the person who has ruined their life by having my own needs. When they demand "my way or the highway" and you get beaten up emotionally for just existing or expressing a need or concern, I really don't see any way to take care of myself except to stay away. Sick and tired of walking on eggshells!!!!!!
Thanks for watching! Wishing you peace, health, and, happiness.
Thanks. I agree. I put up impenetrable boundaries against these 🧛♂️ 🦇 🧛♀️. Just sitting in a chair breathing n these psychopaths launch a spewing of toxins.
Sometimes setting the hard boundary of walking away and going no contact is the best way!
I am pondering on all the toxicity I experienced over years. I have never heard any psychologist speak about toxic behaviors beyond peers, family and partners. I've experienced boundary violations at a job. It was hurtful and I couldn't put my finger on what that experience come from. Thank you for the video. It has changed how I view toxic behaviors and whether my boundaries are being violated or whether I am setting proper boundaries for myself. Thank you so much.
Awesome. Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
You must be an excellent therapist. Never heard so much real information with understanding and kindness, and intelligence. Love listening to your information, interpretation and suggestions. This is very valuable, more so than the ones by the most popular psychologist on YT.
Wow, Thanks so much!
God bless you Dr. Snipes and your family abundantly, you are a great blessing to all of us! 🙌🏻☀️
Thank so much. Thanks to you for being here!
Responding to other people's behaviors by respecting self boundaries and their's, recognizing toxic behavior and how to respond without judgment. Reconceptualizing toxic behavior as frantic strategies from someone who feels unsafe to take back your power.This is so helpful thank you very much.
Thank you so much for taking of your time and energy to help some of us be better people and more effective communicators. Undoubtedly, this has been helpful to me and I’ll need to watch it several times.
Wow, Thanks so much!
This is what I am trying to get out of right now. This popped up and everything on the video so true. Makes me realise I'm not going mad. Please give me strength to finish this nightmare
Thanks for watching.
Wow this explains a lot about why I feel the way I do. I know I have been toxic because of my parents being narcissistic on me growing up. Thanks
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Really good to hear a psychologist call out the toxic relationships we can have with the systems we are born into - these include social, educational, legal, medical.....
We experienced institutional abuse by many institutional actors & their "leaders" during the plandemic.
Thank you so much for watching. How will you respond to toxic people and systems from now on?
@@DocSnipes I've watched a few of your videos and the content is very clear, practical and helpful. Thank you that this content is free and available for everyone. I'm sure loads of us are appreciative and have benefited from your videos.
The last couple of years have been quite challenging in our increasingly authoritarian societies....
I'm trying to become more aware of my thoughts and feelings in the moment. Recognising my triggers which pull me towards conditioned (thoughtless) responses rather than what I want for myself is important. It's also about trusting myself when invalidated by others - listening to and respecting others but not seeking their approval. I aim to take responsibility for my decisions and not beat myself up if I feel I didn't choose well. It often feels like swimming against the tide but it gets easier with practice and confidence. Just going along with what we're told is not an option if we want a meaningful life.
Thank you for calling out social media, media, and college professors!!!! So refreshing to hear someone who will tell the truth !
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Thank you. One of my favorite key reminders/take aways from today - Ir’s actually a toxic behavior when you jump in and fix something for someone and try to take away their pain because it’s Depriving them of their ability to work through their own pain. The old me used to feel like a bad person if I didn’t help the people around me and fix everything. However, now I see that I’m actually doing them a disservice and hurting them in the long run if I always jump in and save them. I am a proud, recovering helpaholic/fixahoilc 😜and my life is so much freer.
Thank you. Yes, social media is the worst example of human behavior in many aspects
Thanks for watching.
It’s sad bc so many of us come from traumas, etc & are toxic ourselves while also getting with another toxic person, then it becomes a crazy mix of good & bad times constantly like a wild scary rollercoaster 🎢 of ups & downs, rushes of bliss then crashing into a mess of toxicity that often is abusive in various ways. 😞💔
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Yep exactly this and it’s sad.
Maybe a life change is in order. I signed up for college at age 29 to get out of unhappy marriage with two kids, and graduated with two degree in University with high honors six years later, two years taken off working full time as RN in hospital. So had three degrees, and changed my life totally, lots of options. Name of the game is keep your options open. Funny thing, so excited about starting college appeared first day and no one at the community college. Asked the janitor what was up, no one there. He said college started the next week. LOL. Over eager, but overall loved CC and graduated there with honors.. Lot of good jobs with only one to two years AD needed, higher pay and fun to meet younger people or just ore people. Woke me out of deep depression and abusive marriage. Get the College course requirements and degrees offered, and meet people get new ideas of careers. And can get grants and scholarships and had little to repay. Some jobs will pay you to go back to school, and get a degree. If you work ask your employer.
I wish toxic people were conscious and mindful of their behaviors…some narcissist don’t want to hear anything
Some things I'm learning from two toxic people is growth tolerance, patience ,and understanding as well as maturity, so toxic people can be a learning lesson (at least for me I do!)
THEY R TOO AWFUL TO LEARN FROM.
I learned a lot from the toxic people in my life. And, I learned a few things about myself during those relationships. I learned: Why I tolerate such behaviors; why I attract toxic people into my life; and the areas I need to heal.🙂
Amen!!
Agree,,,add blaming,excuses,denials,anger ,selfrighteous,narrow minded,no empathy,unwilling to seek help they need
Lack of empathy and Wilfulness (versus willingness) can be particularly challenging issues with which to work. Love DBT, but people have to want to really work it.
@@echase416 narcissist don't care how bad they act or what they do to others ,They destroy you and spend all their time convinceing everyone you did it to yourself !
Wow. You just stopped me in my tracks. I was listening but also multi-tasking. I've always thought toxic behaviors in OTHERS. But when you started talking about toxic behaviors to self ... 😳 Wow. I've got to re-listen to that again. "How we treat ourselves is how we will allow others to treat us". HUGE. I've got to think on this one - how I'm being toxic to myself.
Thanks for watching. I appreciate you being here. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Brilliant I needed to hear that !
Kids know to hate the people like me the instant we meet. My parents moved a lot, so thousands upon thousands hated me on sight. I live alone and never talk to anyone-. Best I can do for you,'all.
@@patricialongo5746 I can relate as my childhood was similar, never had a friend in school since it was a new one for twelve years, more or less, the last four in foster homes that were not nurturing but there for a purpose, babysit for the 5 kids, or cash for the old lady income who was worn out as a foster mother and Catholic Social Services never sent checks wtihout a few reminders that made her resent us. So I actually have been successful after a 11 year foster marriage, treated like the burden although I always handed over my checks and was a good wife, provided nutritious meals, loved my two children til teen years when ex-husband set things up, but he was always the taker. Then after successful college had responsible job I held my high standards I held to my standards, respected and envied, and loved being alone after full day doing inspections of health care facilities. Was appreciated by some and feared by others who were borderline.
Peoples lives are all so different, it is hard to find quality people to connect, not a reflection of you. Lower your standards and have lots of friends, but why do that? Most have limited interests to connect when alone and kids gone. Likely the kids didn't hate you but it felt that way because they did not know you. You likely a special person, as most are average or less. Consider myself well adjusted, well informed , and my best conversations are with myself, play devils advocate and do reality checks often.
Am not mentally ill, just self dependent and been whistle blower more than once which made my life very difficult but do not regret, as believe God would approve of my value system.
Not intending to be judgmental as I do not know you but can relate to you. It is good to be your own best friend. Never know when a similar kind person will appear in your life but take care as too many people take advantage of gentle people they know are somewhat isolated. Most people never have more than a couple good friends and seeing couples out to dinner throughout dinner that never talk to one another stopped my pity party attitude. Many people live with people that they cannot relate to or are abusive or have nothing in common for years for security. Why? Get my choice in food, music, and find many friendly people just doing errands. Enjoy giving to others. Like yourself as your are honest and reached out. Doubt you have any reason to hate you, someone told you that and you bought it. Reconsider it.
That’s “Soul Work”. Vs looking outside for the answers or support, our vision often gets squeed.
The Ego has it planned that way! It keeps us either looking at the past or future for the answers when in fact like Eckerd Tolls famous book “ The Power of Now” written in 17 languages that gets us to see the Ego and how it manipulates us, check it out. You won’t be able to put it down!
So many college professors do not encourage different opinions than their own. It feels very toxic .
Thanks for watching and commenting.
I hate it. I can't believe I pay tuition only to write and answer the biases the professors push and want from us.
If it fits, write an essay on bias or fit it into a response to a biased question. Acknowledge that their point of view exists, however, there are others, not necessarily you that have a different perspective. Point out the definition of critical thinking, they can't argue a defined concept that's a core part of learning. Thinking critically is huge in college and beyond, to criticize it, would make them look dumb.
THAT IS TOCIC.
I was lucky. I got praised by my professors for making them think about a topic in a new way!
My husband and my sister teamed up against me five years ago when I decided to end my highly abusive marriage, and cancelled my POA to my sister over mismanagement of my inheritance. Together they stole my inheritance, and in order to discredit me have alienated so many people against me including my adult children by telling them all kinds of lies about me. I have tried exposing their lies through different means of communication to no avail. My daughter who used to call me several times a day stopped talking to me, and I have not seen her children for over four years. I even suggested to them family therapy a few years ago. But, they are not interested telling me that I have gone crazy. I decided to seek therapy myself because I started blaming myself for staying in the abusive marriage for a long time for the sake of my children who have turned their backs on me when I need them the most. I don’t know what else to do to get my children back.
May the Lord our God intervene in your situation ❣️ may you know His love, peace and comfort.
Sorry this happened to you. Give them time. Let them come to you.
So hard a story. Grateful it has not happened in my life
Parental alienation is Textbook narcissistic abuse.
Advice your children not to allow triangulation and to talk everything to you directly.
Great insights, wisdom, and practical info on toxic manipulative behaviour, including through social media ...so helpful, thank you!
You are so welcome
I can't help but feel that when a person is consistently talking over me louder than me and will not let me get a word in edgewise and their opinion what they have to say is more important than anything that I may feel think want or need
Thanks for watching.
Maybe the reason they become toxic is they you are looking to them to give you something that they are unable to and activates toxicity due to a sense of inadequacy. Toxic people need love but it is the one thing that is denied. People aren't born toxic, they become that way through lack of love and nurture. We are all in the same boat. People who are good, and nice, and socially welcomed..... even they can be toxic in the right situations. No one is better, just some people are worse.
The European institutions are full of these people. I believe that the organizational culture instigates narcissistic passive-agressive behaviours and drama. It is all about power, cohercive behaviour and bullying.😔
You got that right!
Coercive behaviour is now crime in UK.
Financial abuse, starts as taking all bills . Don't worry I got that.
But actually is not so nice, as you have no job nor access to your own money
@AR, Yes, your OP is accurate. It is an actual pandemic!
I agree. I have been bullied by these people at work time and time again. It's sick and disgusting.
I agree. I'm pain patient and get the cleaning woman pay cutter of. Since 1 year I'm mobbed and this despite doctors pros letters. They just care for money . With cleaning companies the same, they cheated on time and money that I can't count anymore. Besides, they dictate too high prices for unqualified people (30-35€ per hour) prices as demand much higher than market offer, the stupid person's nowadays do study or work in these areas
Not everybody who is toxic is afraid or insecure. Remember this.
Thanks for watching
They are, they hide their insecurities and exploit yours
The whole video was good.
The parts that were the most enlightening to me were: * 28:04 Recognizing how you’re a part of the toxic dance even if you are the object of emotional Transference from the other person’s past traumas.
* I like your description of Projection- 28:34
Thanks for watching and commenting.
Every single one of these I’ve checked off mentally it sounds exactly like the last 17 years of my life. Wasted youth on a broken relationship.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
It could be a neighbor hood or a church for me. Im older now i demand respect or i start to collect...Amen Amen
Time is only wasted if you did not learn from it and if you did learn it has been a lesson not wasted time for if we do not learn from the past we will surely repeat it
If you learn from those 17 years then it's not wasted time but merely a season of learning
OMG I just found you. Thanking those stars above. You make so much sense ... so clear and precise
So glad! Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
And it's all on you, to harmonize, make the dynamic between yourself and the loved one less detrimental. It takes up so much focus, processing while they get their digs in and carry on at will
I appreciate you watching
Thank you this has been very helpful. (Understanding is very important key) I thought I was the only one with this type of problem. I feel more safe and can handle every toxic behavior that comes my way.
Thanks for watching.
I appreciate you turning on the light bulb in my head! I can't live like this anymore and I feel so stuck but I've had enough...I figure more education would help me with that.
I appreciate you watching
I did try one of the things that you suggested once I realized there was a problem I always look at myself first to see how I'm contributing or what have I done or what did I do and once I see that I didn't do anything but give love and respect to this person then it made me just try to hang on to this person by letting the toxicity bounce off until it became dangerous for me so I removed myself I'm out of the situation set boundaries
This is how I moved with the Narc I know. Terrible way to live and I am moving forward in life.
This is exceedingly helpful for family feuds
I am grateful to be of help and I appreciate you watching the video. What did you find most useful from it?
THANK YOU for your dedication.
Your work truly heals and helps me to move on from trash relationship/friendships ❤
Thanks you so much.
This is very vital ‼️ having your wisdom and finding this channel was a divine intervention ‼️🥳 thank you Dr, praise God for tools to get better emotionally and mentally
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
I rarely use this word when trying to describe a youtube video content, but I have got to say that this is absolutely beautiful. The way you present each kind of toxic behaviour and the various examples in order to make your point clear shows your profound knowledge and expertise. Thank you for allowing me to learn so much from you so I can incorporate that newly gained knowledge into my life for the better.
@Philip Johnson Yes, I will do, just wait and I will dial that number 😂🤣👍
Thank you for all the continuous content. I love the quality and also your presentation!
Thanks so much
Great, empowering, powerful teaching Dr. Snipes, thank you!🙌🏻☀️
Welcome
You did an excellent job of sharing this critical information with us. There are toxic individuals in my midst who are incapable of watching a film together because the film is not about them. They are not the focal point. The film is. As a result, they either sit there with a vacant, blank expression on their face or exit the room, never saying anything positive about what is, for the majority of people, a wonderful, exciting, wholesome film. My family system is encircled by toxic individuals. As an artist, I am fortunate to be able to create a "artificial world" in which I can live in peace and productivity.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Thank you for taking the time to do this video.
You’re most welcome. Thanks for watching
Honestly Donna I'm Scotty Wilson I suffer from a lot of what you talk about your a big help to me I've been suffering from PTSD depression I used to be a violent person and have 7 kids in care due to addiction and dv your a beautiful person thanks for putting your video's up on you tube I'll say a prayer for you and may something good come your way...give someone you love a big kiss...I'll keep watching your videos ...and will have a question regarding your videos next time ...may God bless your cotton socks...
Thank you Doc Snipes. Your content always makes me feel so happy in a digital space. You are truly helpful and insightful. Merci beaucoup.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
I DITTO THIS COMMENT 💯💪😇👍😇👍😇💯💪💯💪💯🙏✍️🌠😎😎🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶
Thank you for sharing this information. Now I know why I am not happy in my current relationship - too much toxic behavior for me to stay. My partner exhibits so much of this behavior and I also see my part. I want to get mentally healthy now, and I can’t do it staying there. It’s the same scene every day. Time to move on. 🤗
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness. This video might be next on your list then: ruclips.net/video/8OZdTwfb2Mk/видео.html
It really stood out for me when you talked about them turning people against you
I am grateful for you being here and watching the video and I am sorry if anyone has ever turned people against you. Other videos you might be interested in can be found at ruclips.net/user/DocSnipessearch?query=toxic
Thank you so much Dr. Snipes! Your info. is wise & compassionate! 💞
You are so welcome. Thanks for watching.
As promised here are the answers to the rest of yesterday's chat questions. Open to read more...it is a couple of pages
Could we correlate this video with how to be a positive partner in an intimate relationship?
Here is a 5 part series of short videos on developing secure attachment to be a positive partner in relationships www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fVlZ...
Here is a video on attachment based parenting and RE-parenting www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziekq...
All four of these statements (made by you all) are very wise.
1. Sometimes when someone is toxic and wouldn't get it ever. you simply remove yourself from the situation if they are very toxic they are not gonna hear what " i feel".
2. I believe knowing when to disengage with those types of people are very important. Some may get the hint others may not.
3. How do you get somebody who thinks that they are oppressed and the world is against them to realize that only they can be the ones to change? but they won't listen. they just become mad..
4. I can only control me… I can only do the best I can in the world I have.
Sometimes it is too scary for people to hear alternate opinions or even opposing facts. You can only change yourself. At that point it is necessary to decide if you can figure out how to "agree to disagree" and maintain a healthy relationship otherwise or, in the case of the person who insists on trying to violate your boundarries and change your mind and behavior, put distance between you.
Tips on battling guilt after losing friends due to toxic behavior?
If it is due to your toxic behavior, then self-forgiveness will be the ultimate goal, recognizing you were doing the best you could with the tools and awareness you had at the time. You can attempt to make amends. You can learn from the experience so you do not lose other friends. Often it is a gradual process to win back friends, but it is very possible.
If it is due to their toxic behavior, then it is important to recognize a hard choice you made to protect yourself and recognize your worth as a person. They have the ability to change, make amends and rekindle the friendship---the proverbial ball is in their court. It can be agonizing if they do not make the change, but again, it is likely more about them and their fears and trauma that prevent them from changing than their lack of caring about you. Give yourself room to grieve not only the loss of the friendship, but also the loss of the hopes for the future you had related to that friendship (future travels, growing old together etc). Consider anger you might have at them for being unwilling to change and how that makes you feel powerless and may increase anxieties about losing future friends who become toxic. Consider anger you might have at yourself for allegedly not trying hard enough (they will want you to think it is your fault). What are the facts for and against the things you feel guilty about?
In recovery I encourage people to make a decision sheet about why they want to stop the addiction. You can also do this for why you want or need to end a relationship. What are the pros and cons of staying in the relationship? What are the pros and cons of ending the relationship? Try to eliminate the pros of staying in the relationship (i.e. find someone else to go hiking with) and the cons of "breaking up" (What can you do to bridge the gap so you feel less lonely?) Keep this sheet handy so if you start to romanticize the relationship and contemplate going back to the toxicity you can remember more objectively what it was really like.
If a person’s troubles are (almost) all interpersonal, is it just best to stay away from relationships?
My gut reaction is no. However, it is important to first develop a healthy relationship with self, start learning what healthy relationships with others look like and then gradually dip your toe back in, starting with someone who is objectively safe or embark on the process of developing new relationships with the help of a coach.
Letting go and accepting others has been irritating.
Letting go means choosing to stop trying to control or keep the other person. It can be very disempowering when people do not do what you think they "should." Sometimes it feels like a proverbial slap in the face if they do not do what you want---which may pose a threat to your self esteem and can trigger anger.
How do you deal with the toxic person who talks over you so that you’re not heard?
Examine what their behavior is communicating. Do they have ADHD? Blurting and difficulty waiting their turn is a common symptom. It can be addressed but they first need to realize it. Are they steamrolling you because they do not feel heard? Stop. Listen. Paraphrase what they say... "You sound very passionate about.... Those are very interesting points. I am wondering if you have also considered / what you might think about ..... as well?"
How do you point out a toxic behavior without making them feel judged?
This is very tricky because the toxic person often is behaving that way because they are functioning from a place of fear and/or trauma. I encourage you to write it out and rehearse it with someone else or at least pretend it is something someone is saying to you and modify it until it is as supportive and compassionate as possible.
Start out by helping them feel safe and accepted. "I love spending time with you" or "I really appreciate all you bring to the team..."
Then identify why what you are getting ready to say is important. "I am excited about all of the things we can do/accomplish together." I recognize how uncomfortable it can be when people do not share your same opinions or beliefs.
Then give concrete examples of the behavior and consider speculating about what they were feeling. "I have noticed when people contradict you that it is very triggering and you seem to get very angry. For example last week at lunch/in the staff meeting/etc. I am wondering if there is something I/we could do differently so you feel safer and more accepted."
Some people will not be able to hear even the nicest, most constructive feedback without being triggered.
Suggested literature on enmeshment, symptoms, identification, coping?
Boundaries by Henry Cloud is a good book. Also anything on codependency or adult children of dysfunctional parents can be helpful.
How to know and practice healthy boundaries and dating?
Think of dating like a multi-part job interview. I have a video coming out on that hopefully today.
Your friend is in a toxic relationship, hearing her distress is soul crushing & triggering, what do you do? run?
Well, it sounds like it might be important to get some distance so it is not "soul crushing" That may mean not discussing the relationship and letting her know that hearing her distress is soul crushing & triggering. Since it is triggering, that tells me that you have some "stuff" that might be rearing its ugly head that still needs to be dealt with. It could be as simple as practicing mindfulness and grounding exercises to remember that you are safe in the present context and not in a bad relationship anymore. Or it might mean exploring something like EMDR to help integrate those trauma fragments so your amygdala (fear brain) isn't still trying to juggle them. Ultimately you will have to decide if you can keep the relationship and respect your boundaries or if you need (at least temporary) distance. In addiction recovery, sometimes people engage in "tough love" They stop enabling the person with the addiction and nurture their own boundaries, but let the person know they are welcome back in the relationship when they make certain changes and respect your boundaries.
If i often criticize people for a reason, and they say that i like to grumble, does it mean that i am toxic?
Without knowing specifics, I would wonder why you feel the need to criticize, if your feedback is helpful AND necessary and if it is being said in a way that is inspiring and kind. It can be hard to watch people do things in a way you perceive to be incorrect or inefficient. However, when people are criticized it of them makes them feel threatened. When something is necessary, how can you lead with the carrot instead of the stick. That is, instead of telling someone they are doing something wrong, asking if they might have also considered doing it differently.
It's so sad that the toxic person n has been my mom most of my life. But my faith has sustained me throughout the years and the pain.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Amen @ Trail Lady MTB, hallelujah great is His faithfulness 🙌🏻☀️
Bottom line be willing to learn from your mistakes and even from others, be forgiving and try your best to love yourself and others. This was one of the best videos I’ve seen on this subject. Congratulations.
Too kind. Thanks so much!
R
R by CD vet
Thank you so much i will be watching all of your work and seeing the other side of human nature and behaviours to send love not hate. 🙏
Thanks for watching.
MUCH GRADITUDE and APPRECIATION BEAUTIFUL SOUL...
Forever Grateful and Hopeful Now 😁
Ty
I have toxic behavior coming from every part of my life. You helped to respond in a positive and healthy way that is very effective. I love the way you explain behavior roll of mine and toxic person ad well. I didnt know I had a roll in this toxic relationship.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Thank you so much for your wisdom, your thoughts, your videos.. So insightful ♥️
I'm still healing and learning and practicing positive ways of communicating, listening and doing♥️
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Thank you! I was seeing a widower for 8 months ( whose wife died 5 years ago) he led me up the garden path in terms of speaking about marriage etc but felt very distant at times. He did a grief course for 13 weeks and I gave him the space as he was unable to commit. Clearly after the course he still wasn’t ready and told me he’s going to stay single. It’s been a very painful time …..
Thanks for watching. I feel for you, and the lose of that relationship. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Bless you. Rather be with someone who can truly give you love with an open heart than o r that cannot. It seems you may have had a lucky escape x
I met one guy who is still attracted to his wife he's selerated not single im glad i told the minister this old minister his best friend is truly not my type of guy. Dude way too old‼🗣📣👼🏾🙏🏾👐🏾👏🏾🙌🏾🤚🏾👼🏿Amen and Amen
Consider you missed a train wreck. Good he was honest with you. But he saw something in you he liked and surely other guys not grieving will find you a treasure.
I'm sorry to hear that but how can I consider marriage and not even known someone more than a year?
I am now seeing this from Las Vegas, a few months past your broadcast. Thank you for your reach, far and wide. Your work is appreciated! 🙏🙋♀️❤️
Welcome. Thanks for watching.
@@DocSnipes 🥰
Thank you for taking the time to make these videos, your hard work is truly appreciated.
So welcome. Thanks for watching.
If I find too many red flags and a person has too many strikes then I will cut them out. Bye Bye, don't care. People earn that only a very few have
Thanks for watching and commenting.
you are amazing, lots of info and reality check.... you are the best.
Glad the video was helpful. Thanks for watching.
i love you doctor. thank you for helping us.
Very Welcome. I appreciate everyone watching and commenting.
I have found some of these recommendations to be exhausting. I finally said "Go fix yourself!" Coddling, so-called supporting and ignoring made things much worse, it was dishonest, at it's core. Impossible to maintain on an ongoing basis. I found it best to take a good hard look at the situation until my own denial melted away and I could see the insurmountable nature of my own limitations, regarding my ability to help the problem.
Thanks for watching! Wishing you peace, health, and, happiness.
This is helpful in a whole bunch of situations. Thank you!
Would you like to make some short role plays about some of them?
I also watch Patrick Teahan and his small theater pieces help a lot, too.
A string of pearls is Donnelly Snipes series of lectures-lessons. What a precious star she is. Whý haven't I met this wisdom for 40 years in the doctors and therapists offices? Youtúbe commneters are often prone to label people as BEING toxic, as if it were their given permanent being.
Thank you so much for watching, Claudia!
Glad you are well.. thanks to be back so soon
Ty
I had a toxic girlfriend that I couldn't let go of until 21, and realized I was basically getting robbed during those years with her. This video was so helpful in making me feel less crazy. Absolutely not all her fault, BUT really was terrible that the saga continued for so many years and I genuinely hated it every second of the way and afterwards. I couldn't even admit it out of fear until over 12 years later.
Thanks for this very informative and educational video.
You’re most welcome. I appreciate you watching and sharing
My grandma is toxic and there's no sugarcoating for her bs , pity and negativity. Those days are gone as an adult I set my boundaries with her. She's very invalidating towards my mother and aunt.
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Amazing thoughts and insights, thank you for sharing! ❤
You’re so welcome. Thank you for watching the video
I pretend I don't notice toxic behaviors. I think life has offered me so many opportunities, I just don't think toxic people are worth the struggle to have them around.
Thanks for watching and commenting.
You described toxic behaviors to the tee! This was so good to meeeee!
This part is good but worth more discussion. 29:53
There IS a time to acknowledge a toxic person’s right to have their own opinions. But there is also a time not to say anything to them because that’s just adding gasoline to a raging fire. Also, some victims have cowered for so long that they need to STOP this type of behavior bc they aren’t truly doing it out of empathy but out of fear. This type of victim needs to build strength against the cowering response; ask me how I know ☹️.
Thanks for watching and commenting. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
Good point. Thanks for the insight
You know becouse it has made you to a piont of misery for along time and you can't see away out becouse the person that is toxic has used every narcissistic abuse on you ! Don't look at it as loseing ,make a plan to save what you need to leave this place of doom and don't worry about the material things except your car and if there is only one them try to save for a cheap one to get when you are ready to leave , and expect the worst and be prepared to not handle it alone , go no contact , there is nothing to discuss at this piont ,it will just be a trick of all sorts , save yourself because they have no empathy and think they are right no matter how much damage they couse you ,and still expect you to do what they want !
I've had to start from scratch of everything,friends ,job ,church, ect. and be very poor and alone and I still feel better than with a toxic narcissist ,I'm rebuilding and I'm fine with it ! It was all the manipulation , gaslighting,threats , punishments, embarrassment, no one believeing me over them , watching their acting skills to convince others was sickening ,and very truamatizing to my health ! Find a support group ,it helps alot very quickly ,just my advice if anyone stuck in this situation , don't look back ! They are mentally ill and nothing you do can change them ,
This helped to explain a lot about certain people from my past,thank you for clarity
You’re most welcome. I am grateful to be of service. Also, I’d be grateful if you were to share what you found most useful from the video. Additionally, if you're interested in more tips on the topic or if you want to explore my video library, you can use my AI: allceus.com/AskDocSnipes.
@@DocSnipes Yes Ma'am
I have fifty years of scapegoat hindsight and I find this to be true
Thanks for watching.
Thank you Dr. Snipes for your videos. I am so thankful I found your channel.
Thanks for watching, and being here.
I believe some people are toxic, some have toxic episodes depending on life stages and experiences, others may give toxic events. I don't know everyone's circumstances, I don't like those who are constantly toxic❣
Thanks!
Welcome.
My husband is the type of person that when other's are around he ACTS SO LOVING etc
Behind closed doors
He comes at me
To fight
Argue etc???? He's so vengeful
Like living with Jeckly and Hyde!!
WHAT can I do
I have nowhere to go?
No family
No friends
I'd be homeless if I left?
Desperate
Confused
Helllppppp
You may want to get in touch with a local, professional counselor... or other help. A national DV website with 800 number is here: ncadv.org/get-help Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
@@DocSnipes thank for giving such a clear answer. One part of intimate abuse is you are brain washed.
“ Steps to Freedom “by Don Hennessy an excellent book for women in such a situation. I would say, cover it with different paper etc disguise it. Don’t leave it out.
Yes. He knows all that. When you are ready get onto the service for Domestic Abuse. You are not alone. It is not your fault.
Great information. The topic of toxicity is an area of absolute interest to me. Very grateful to hear this important presentation.
Thanks for watching and commenting.
Humans are hard work.
Thanks for watching and commenting.
Dr. Snipes, thank you. This is so helpful and you communicate so well.
My pleasure!
My father was untreated NPD and I’ve been no-contact since I was about 21. I still have C-PTSD. It’s wild. I wish I knew how to articulate what was wrong as a kid and how to use these skills.
Dr. Gabor Mate does a really good presentation on 'implicit memory'. I haven't got to the bottom of things but it shone a light on 'where' these behaviour have their formation and how it becomes an environment like a dirty fishbowl. It might be helpful, I hope so Shannon. Cheers.
Really dense information. I think I need to review this video several times and take notes.
Please do! :)
I wish I could even express myself, but I'm to depressed and burnt out..
Thanks for watching. Wishing you peace, health, and happiness.
I've been watching these videos for several months now. They have been incredibly helpful in understanding myself and the people in my life. This video was especially helpful. Thank you so much, Dr. Snipes!
So glad you are here! Thanks for watching.
excellent source of knowledge and information. I am now a huge fan of yours Doc and I can't wait for more of your videos in the future.
Awesome 👍
narc can not change as they see themself as flawless -it is a fact
Thanks for watching.
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH DARLING YOU HAVE REALLY HELPED ME.
Glad I could help!
I'm being destroyed by toxic people. I learned my lesson with personal relationships I'm alone but my last two bosses bullied belittled and abused me. I'm about to be homeless because I can't find a job that the owner's/managers aren't sadistic.
Hi Tracie I know what it feels like I have been there before your story does resonate with me a lot I can't stand see nobody lose her job and be homeless because of toxic people I know what it feels like firsthand it is awful I've been put through hell myself and I survived it can't keep a good man down but if there is anyway that I can possibly help you just respond back to me let me know this is something that I would rarely do but I don't see nobody homeless either coming up to holidays to at that I know what it all feels like like I said I have been there I know what it feels like it's not a good feeling I know that it can make you feel deeply depressed and especially when you have to work and you have to deal with toxic people it does make it very hard to deal with them kind it makes you wonder now what do I do right don't give in to them because that's all they care about is bullying and manipulation and I'm really sorry you're having to go through this my friend God bless you and have a good day
Setting strong boundaries is vital !!!
Narcissists destroy those they can't control !!! You will overcome your past victim conditioning !!! XO 😘❤️
Malignant narcissists don't respect boundaries or others feelings !!! Show them NO Emotional Reaction as they feed off that fuel. Remove yourself from the emotional vampire and save your energy!!! Love your self
Consider different kinds of work then your past jobs where you had bad experiences. Ex.) Dog walker, cab driver, find jobs where your more independent in the work itself. Taking Shaolin Martial Arts class also helps healing and is empowering for your mind !!! Victim No More
Good presentation ! Thank you. With peace and grace from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ thank you.
Welcome
I wish I’d known this a long time ago.
Thanks so much for watching!
Oh I got two more months of this narcissist step mother..you have described this person to a T..... it just amazes me how this kind of human can actually sleep at night...my nerves are just raw from having to bite my tongue......oh I thank you so much for this knowledge..I feel sane now....lol..
.lord be with me and guide me through til I'm gone..... My self has been put on the back burner til I leave I have no choice my father enables her behavior.....yeah.....
Thanks for watching and commenting.
RED! wink wink! The college essay thing -I know exactly what you're talking about!
:)
I think we should encourage others to cut ties with toxic family members, even all families. It could save many people.
I appreciate you watching
7:00 Yes sometimes some people can be really rude always putting other people down !!!!!!!! = (
Thanks
Thanks so much for the tip!