7 Ways You May Be Crossing Boundaries
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- Опубликовано: 2 июл 2024
- Working on boundaries almost always focuses on how to set boundaries for others, and how others cross our boundaries. Yet there are some common ways that people cross boundaries, even those who think of themselves as "people-pleasers." Do you cross any of these boundaries? (Now, obviously these are not as severe as the way a narcissist or an aggressor crosses boundaries, but it is a helpful reflection as you learn more about boundaries!)
Free Boundary Quiz: boundarypersonalityquiz.com
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Which have I missed? Any ways that you cross boundaries that I didn't mention?
I don't think this is a gender neutral subject. Women don't appreciate how careful men must be for example in the workplace.
@@willprioleau4080I've noticed that, and never really realized it. Men have to really watch their boundaries. Or they feel like it anyway. Which is understandable.
@@willprioleau4080😅😅 I kinda 😊ze😢x😊
@@willprioleau4080o
😮😢😅😅😅
Thank you for your points. I find very annoying the fact that although blessed to look much younger people rush into telling me "you dont look your age" and start abusing my lines or call me "young lady" etc etc although my words, general stance, opinions etc are quite assertive..... So age stereotyping (young/old) is very limiting and intrusive.
I find this frustrating too. Age should be off the table
I agree! Particularly things like "young lady" can be very dismissive...
Ok so I feel differently about this! If my boss says Thank you young lady, I actually like that.
I have a disability, i function quite well but its obvious thats something is wrong. 2 issues that it often presents, is people sometimes want to help - a great sentiment, but instead of asking what i need they make assumptions and often act on what they've assumed. Most of the times the assumptions are very wrong and can cause hurt or even once caused endangerment of my life.the 2nd issue is that sometimes I've had strangers ask me what's happened to me.
Yikes! I’ve both crossed these boundaries and had them crossed by others at some point in my work life. Generally when I have done it to others I think I’m helping. I’ve gotten much better as I age and I’m more self aware when it’s happening to me and why I don’t like it but I didn’t always know what it was I didn’t like. Anyway thank you so much for this!
I've had to work really hard on the first point of unsolicited advice. It's great that you brought it up! There's a great TEDx talk by someone called Michael Bungay Stanier on 'How to tame your advice monster'. Being able to think about this reaction as my 'advice monster' and the advice to 'stay curious longer' has really helped me.
To add, I think it intersects with something that the psychologist Esther Perel pointed out on how to cope with a partner who is experiencing depression. And that is, that the depressed partner is surprisingly powerful in that they have the power to dismiss all of our 'good advice'. How that played our for me was that when all my 'excellent' fixes and solutions were turned down, I gave more, and more of myself, until eventually I felt just as powerless and hopeless as my partner did. The only way to get out of this negative loop was to be more careful about what I gave - that is, having better boundaries.
Love this! I'll look up the video.
Yes, totally understand. How wonderful you were able to change the focus to be on what you can do about it...
Thank you for this.
My wife n I are having a lot of difficulty around this with our son n his wife. As I listened, we have committed every one of these over the years with them. Sadly, we ignored signals too. Thank you for summarising these so well.
How wonderful that you are willing to look at this. Turning the lens inward is a great way to improve the relationships that can be improved! (Doesn't always help with people who are too "toxic"...) But also, your intentions were probably very good and that can help smooth the way... Wishing you the best!
Wow. My mom and my co-workers need to see this. Every single boxed checked. 7 out of 7.
I have had ”friends” who talk without a break 20-30 minutes, even more. They do not let me speak even one sentence. Sometimes I notice, that I interrupt people (break boundaries) to be able to say something, especially at work, and have little patience to listen to the other person. I am improving my listening-skills. But, indeed: when you are in the lunch with someone who talks 45 minutes non stop and you have had an opportunity to say ”Hmmm” two times, it is getting very boring.
In the past, I think I overshared my problems/issues/ etc. I do not do it any more at least so often. First: if you share your problems, just expect to get stupid advice! Well, problem solved: Do not tell about your headache, weigh gaining, too much drinking, bad sleeping, rude mate… be silent and find accurate information to solve the problem. Opinions (of friends and family) are not facts!
Actually, there are very few things that are necessary to share with anyone. I have done it toi much, I will be even more conscious. Especially, if I want to keep a secret, the best way to keep it is not to tell anyone. It is very simple.
I think I have shared too much with my daughter. I am so sorry. 😢 In general, we have a boundaries breaking family. My parents comment about weight and give advice even I do not ask. My daughter gives me advice that I do not ask and I likely do the same and everyone is angry and disappointed with each others. My parenrs also planned my life without asking me anything: they planned my carreer, where I should live, (in their neighbour), with whom to spend time (them, nobody else was allowed honestly), how my hair should look like (when it is long, it should be short and vice versa), what to wear (my mom prefered me to wear clothes like a nun and without make up, so that I’d look as unsexy as possible)..
I broke all their plans and messed them up (not for my good either), so it can also be called boundary break. I broke the unweitten family-boundaries: I should want all same things than they do. I broke it. Actually, I still do not know who I am, what is right to expect from me, what is not and what I need, I do not know it clearly.
1 Giving advice, 2 Thinking you know how someone feels, 3 Telling someone what they should believe, 4 Not changing as a relationship changes, 5 Making someone agree to not share what you told them, after the fact, 6 Commenting on somebody's weight , 7 Betraying someone's confidence in order to help
Very good points! Thank you for sharing this information.
You are welcome! Hope it was helpful!
Thank you! This is so helpful!
So pleased to hear that! Thank you for letting me know :)
Great points! I went thru becoming "disabled" a few years ago from migraines, and, talk about people giving unsolicited advice! I learned a lot from own experience but I still sometimes just start giving advice without being asked.
One way I cross boundaries is when I mean well but in enthused moments I kind of grab someone to hug them, or squeeze their shoulder or arm, or if we're walking, gather their arm in mine and get side by side with them walking. (This is social situations not work.) Enthusiasm is good but we've got to check in, first! I've learned a lot about consent and platonic touch thru attending a few cuddle parties this year. The great thing about the cuddle parties with trained moderators is that you do a lot of consent exercises around saying NO and around ASKING at each step. Can I hold hands with you? Can I squeeze your hand? It's like when you become disabled and realize how many microsteps everything entails whereas before you became ill or disabled you did a lot of things kind of on auto pilot and it was all one step. There's a big cuddle facilitator training coming up in Connecticut, actually. I attend cuddle parties in San Francisco, people come from amazing traffic-riddled distances to attend! Meetup.com / cuddle and or platonic touch.
Thank you so much for sharing - I think this could be helpful! Yes, when I was wearing a shoulder sling this year, I received SO much advice... one of the most extreme was someone telling me how she solved her shoulder problem with lots of hot showers, and then continued on and on with how I should try it... (hmmm... I had a full rotator cuff tear!). And I also relate to your share about being overly affectionate and learning to ask - I have that tendency as well. :)
I try to pay attention to when I say something that starts off "you should..." Or could easily have the words you should in front of it. I'm still working on it. But I know that is definitely something I need to avoid to be a better friend or partner.
I understand the point of needing to verbally set boundaries with people who consistently cross your boundaries.
But, I’d like to hear a discussion on common sense, (boundaries). Do they not exist anymore, or are people loosing their common sense?
Like morals; most people in my generation where taught many things that you, just don’t do to people.
I had a friend tell me once, “locks are meant to keep honest people out”. Meaning, when it comes to disrespectful, dishonest people, they will always trespass.
At my age, my thought is, if you can’t read my body language, in order to know and respect, (common boundaries), then I see no point in having you as a close friend.
People with these empathy skills, towards respect for others, seems to be lost?
I have been guilty of defining another person's emotions, and it doesn't feel good when it's done to me. Empath or not. I had to go over this, in therapy. Don't be planting negative seeds, in someone else's marriage. That's why I don't get involved in marry folk business. Many people have relentlessly body shamed and shape shamed me, that don't feel good at all. Not considering, that I experience painful more complications if I put on more weight on than I need to carry. Projecting their jealousy onto me, when my body has different requirements. I've been guilty on commenting on others weight. No it's not cool, at all. You can trigger people.
How great you were able to look at this and revise - yes, empaths can be quite skilled at picking up other's emotions, and maybe ones the other person isn't even aware of... As a therapist, this would happen to me a lot, but rather than tell someone what they felt I would reflect that I would be [angry] in that situation and ask, rather than tell... Sometimes right, sometimes not! Curiosity can be helpful... And yes, re the body stuff, so sorry this happened to you and it is so sad that it is so common. Wishing you the best!
Good points. What do think of people who make condescending comments? Boundary violation? Boundary violation with intent to hurt/control???
Oh, yes - condescending comments are very manipulative... this video focused more on those more common, well-meaning, violations. Setting boundaries with manipulative people is needed and complicated... stay tuned for more videos on this!
I think that oversharing is toxic and a major boundary break. It's basically self-indulgence thrust upon another person. Big nope.
My late husband told me once that his exwife and his daughter had gone through his clothes closet to gather ties they found ugly , and tied them up in a big knot. Even without such hostility , a wife , maid or husband ( not to sound sexist) who does the laundry for the rest of the family does not have the right to toss out socks, and underwear with holes or rips without asking . When I was 28, and had a 5 year old child , we met someone on the escalator of a Parisian Department store, who was a friend of a Dutch sister-in law. As we were both heading for the cafetaria, i invited her to join our table. No sooner were we enjoying lunch, or she started preaching to me that it was time to birth another child! At the time I did not have the "right" and "skills" to say :" You are crossing a line please stop.", so I chose to ignore the remarks, and change the subject. Then she turNed to my little daughter with: " You really should ask your mommy for a brother , or a sister ! I felt helpless! A few months later I shared with my sister- in-law how uncomfortable that had been for me. My sister-in -law told me then that this very woman had once been an unwed mother who chose to give up her kids for adoption. Wow! This was some huge projection of het own guilt feelings, but I was floored during the incident not knowing how to respond. Now umpteem years later I woud say somethng like: "This is such can private and vulnerable issue for me , that I must ask you to back off on this topic. You never know what another woman's situaton is. She may have a had a hysterectomy , or maybe not, but some things are between husband and wife, and a kid has no power over the health or life of her mother . Please stop. This is not an appropriate topic, and we hardly even know each other" . I was intimidated and attacked as child when I spoke my truth by my dad, and my mom coud not rolemodel assertive behaviors for females when I was a teen ( she does when i was 14/2/3) and I was completely FLOORED! How could someone have such poor manners! _( = a judgment I admit, but okay). Not all people are raised wtth same manners, or have a good idea about what is invasive /intrusive and what not. I woud not have asked such a question of her, but to EXPECT that others woud have the same manners is a set up for naivete. It was for me. Not everyone thinks like us or shares the same values , etiquette or background. I was unprpepared for life thiking that good manners meet with good manners because they people come from a professional upper middle class. ("well brought up" that was what my parents called it) That is no prepartiom for real life that can be a lot less sheltered. i was not "sheltered" in the true sense of the word 'shelter " ( namely safe enough with adequuate protection) In fact my dad was very possesive and overly afraid ot let his kids explore the world. It is a fine line between over and under protection, I know, but I was just FLOORED and cou dhave benefiited from assertiveness training . But that did not eve nexist in thsoe days back then when my parents were raised, and my siblngs and I were raised in European upper middle class circles..
Very interesting experience. I think however that you may have slightly misunderstood the title. It’s not about how your boundaries were crossed but how YOU crossed other’s. Be well.
Mrs. Heffernan, will u please elaborate on #7
Interesting question! Yes, that is a complicated one. I think it is that we agree to a certain boundary if we agree to hold something in confidence. If we don't do that, we have crossed a boundary - or an "agreement' if you prefer, but it is a violation of sorts. Of course, as I say, sometimes if the situation is urgent enough, it might be called for...
hi doctor , please tell me the plan to withdraw the bupropion as my doctor advise me to stop gradually ,but i need a specific plan that how can I stop/ withdraw/ decrease it betterly, as before it was taken by me daily.
looking for your great reply
Hi: So sorry, but I am not a medical doctor and can not advise on this even in person! I also can't give specific advice via YT or social media. I'd ask your doctor and ask for specifics. Wishing you all the best, Barbara
Hmmm this is an odd one for me. My mom literally doesn't know when she's hungry, tired, or anything really. She lives in fear of anyone being mad at her which pushes her into behavior that causes that. Not calling out yet feelings had lead to some nasty problems. She trusts me to clean up her mess but not keep her from making them
I wonder if my videos on parentification would be of interest?:
ruclips.net/video/NQjnqYpM_Ag/видео.html
What to do when we have crossed someone’s boundary so much so that their limit is up?
hmmmm.... I guess apologize as sincerely as possible, but most importantly, to change our behavior to respect their boundaries. Not all relationships can be repaired, though, which is sometimes hard to accept.
I always thought boundaries were well defined things, that were communicated at some stage…