The Narcissist And The Empath | How To Stop The Cycle
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- Опубликовано: 13 июн 2024
- Are you attracting narcissists?
As an empath, you may find yourself in a repetitive cycle of narcissistic relationships.
In today’s video, I share how to stop this cycle and heal from narcissistic relationships.
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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via RUclips, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.
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#NarcissistvsEmpath #NarcissisticRelationship #HealingFromNarcissists
☀️☀️CHAPTERS☀️☀️
0:00 Intro
2:30 They Can Sense Your Empathy
6:45 Rigid Family Roles
7:56 Repeating Patterns
10:31 Confirmation Bias
13:10 Inconsistent Rewards
First time I hugged the ex covert narc, my body felt at home. Almost as tho I was walking around town all day, was tired and finally got a space to rest. It was so strange, I went to my room and looked up to the sky and asked God " what was that"
Fast forward, he is everything like my narcissistic mother.
Very sneaky, manipulative, pathological liar and cheater. The relationship lasted 1.5 years. I am currently no contact and trying to heal these childhood wounds.
It is so sad that we love these damaged people then realize too late what we got ourselves into. They have us hooked . They mirror us in the beginning and it is as if we finally met the love of our life . Then slowly you begin to experience the flip side, the dark side , in isolation at home . The devaluing ,humiliation , abuse and infidelity that they perpetrate against you with zero responsibility, accountability or empathy within your marriage is truly heartbreaking . Your sincere caring, kindness and love is cast aside like you completely don't matter . It is quite a damaging experience . It is life changing to go through this . Therapy, along with one's efforts to deeply, personally heal can really make a positive difference . I have very healthy boundaries now and a deep love and respect for myself for what I have experienced with the narcissist . Thank you all for your inspiring comments . I know I am not alone .
I used to joke that I married my (now-ex)husband because he reminded me of mother.
Now I know they are both narcissists, and when I was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder for losing my mind over their manipulations, I was actually suffering CPTSD.
9 years ex-free now, but mother still finds ways of attempting to gaslight me & maintaining control over my emotions.
This describes me. Married several of them. I grew up under one. That’s what I was attracted to. That’s what I knew. I’ve been alone now 21 years. I value my peace.
Oh it sounds wonderful. Well done you. 😊🙏✨💫
Wishing you ALL the best.
You married several of them?
@@crazy-diamond7683 dang several of them? 🫨😂
Both parents extended family...narc alc system...married one q6 years of abuse...covert...dated 10 yesrs misc addicts narcs...working on self after so much familial/ friends/ prtners/ bosses took advantage! now 12 years single...content solo...
She was the master manipulator.
Lovebombing
Gas lighting
Triangulation with my friends and strangers
Blame shifting
Projection
Devaluation
Always the victim
Repeat
9 months of this was enough. Went grey rock and shut off the supply pipeline.
I am still recovering and trying to heal. Painful in so many ways.
Remember saying to her not to confuse my kindness for weakness. Don’t think she understood that
Yes, kindness is not equal to weakness - thank you for sharing that! Wishing you healing and happiness...
@@BarbaraHeffernan
Thank you
You’re video was so helpful.
Unless you’ve gone through or going through something like this, most people just don’t understand. It can be lonely and isolating
It is for sure lonely and isolating.
Just know we can make the pain worse or not by playing the victim.
I healed the trauma quite quickly realizing there’s tons of amazing things I learned about myself. What I need to work on. How I need to let things go. What I should be focusing on. Codependency and childhood trauma work. Weaknesses I did have that I needed to raise up. To become self loving. Not look to others to complete me. Self focus. .
As much crap as there was. There’s a ton of valuable lessons as well to be gained from it. Also consider yourself saved from what could have been total destruction of your life. Finances. Baby trapping….
This in one way discounts the pain. Trauma and drama. I’m just saying what we focus on also we get more of. And yea there is sure a timeline to healing and recovery yet we are the one pulling the gas or break lever.
I suggest as maybe you’ve never heard. All people in toxic relationships need therapy for codependency and childhood wounding. Which is why we were attracted to them in the first place. Darlene lancer has some amazing books. Yet therapy really speeds up the process.
@@ssing7113seems like 2 faces of the same coin kind of relationship. One plays the predator, the other the victim. Both in high need of healing.
She would b (e a vulnerable like me, except for the highly manipulative traits lovebombing, triangulation. All of that is not NPD The rest yes. Any idea what she was after and when she was most attacking? Manipulation to obtain what?
And what about you? What did you like in her?
What was the abuse like?
I found a covert narc and actually felt lucky in the beginning. He sucked my empathy dry within 2-3 months.
Did my boundary work.What an amazing difference.
BE AT PEACE.
I was married to a Narcissist for years. We divorced a few years ago and I'm only now starting to figure out what she was, I'm definitely an empath
I've never met a Narcissist who didn't think they were an Empath. I've also never met an Empath who wasn't a Narcissist. And I've met a lot of people. Narcissists always blame the failure of their marriages on the other party. Can't be their fault, they're all Empaths.
I always sense narcisism in half the comments on these videos. The descriptions being hardlined are absurd. Pigeonholing runs rampant in the psych community and its fans.@@zsasizen
@@ioodyssey3740 yep! Think about it, these videos or any thing that uses the word Empath is quickly flooded with people playing victim and bragging about their delicacy and specialness. Which is what Narcissists do. Big bucks in telling Narcs how Special they are. If I were a Narc myself, I’d be exploiting other Narcs too. Best to avoid this topic altogether. People here acting like PhDs on a topic for which there is zero research and no actual criteria beyond Special Victim.
In my entire life, I’ve only met 5 or fewer narcissists. A dead giveaway is when they start gaslighting. Someone who cares nothing for the truth and attempts to manipulate others by questioning their reality and obvious, observable facts is almost certainly a narcissist. At least, I’ve never met anyone who gaslights who isn’t also a narcissist.
Well said.
As scapegoats we must not fall for the trap of thinking that our empathy is a strength. In almost every situation empathy will prevent us from seeing reality. We are empathizing with who we think the person "could" be but their potential is a lie our trauma tells us. Their potential self is actually our own wounded child that we are projecting into their potential because we are trying to love ourselves but can only do so in an external form. It is not true empathy but projection of our past. Empathy for others is only genuine if we take the time to learn who they are. If you want to learn how another person feels then ask. But don't put your self in their shoes, stay in YOUR shoes!
Codependency is also they belief that one needs another person for their own wellbeing. Like thinking you cant possible live or survive without a person. Which is a big load to place on another individual.
Yes, absolutely! Thank you for adding this.
Absolutely agree with consensus bias where we think other people think like us ..
2 narc parents ..& caretaker scapegoat child.. wasn't my emotional issue it was visible to adults & child welfare services. Yes this is spot on in describing relationships & wanting a better ending, as I can understand the stuck bias.. You want the love , respect , understanding you lacked at some point. Thank you for this explanation. 🌻
The analogy you made at the end, between the inconsistent rewards dogs experiment/slot machines addiction, and the narcissistic breadcrumbing, that is quite golden, brilliantly put. 👏🏻
It's like you knew my ex and described him in details. Along the years he increased his toxic behavior and accusations, because i started to grey walling him. When he got physical I showed him a glimpse of the Judo I learned as a teenager, and he stopped trying to beat me, but instead he used other ways of getting to me. He couldn't take that I never showed lack of self confidence it drove him crazy, he him self screamed at me:"Why don't you cry, when I treat you this bad?"
At last I left him in the middle of the night, when he told me to get out, and he was chocked to see that I did . I am now trying to heal for 35 years of abuse.
Be strong!
Like this video, everything is right on target...I never thought of myself as an empath. I thought I was a good christian. A good friend.
I'm an empath that grew up as the family scapegoat.
Both me and my narcissistic husband were SA as children.
My problem is, is I always want to give everyone the love I wished I had growing up. So loving the unloved is something I'm always trying to do. I do it unintentionally (for lack of a better word) sometimes. Like I met my husband, he started telling me about his horrible childhood and my brain just automatically started being attracted to him. And I started feeling the desire to love and nurture him.
What about giving yourself the love you wish you had growing up. There's a child within you that is waiting for that, and only you can give it to that child. Every time you focus on someone at he expense of yourself you abandon that child more and more. That child is looking at you unable to understand why you starve her in order to go feed someone else that does not even enjoy your food.
@@sunbeam9222 1) that child in me grew up
2) I don't care about giving myself love. There just isn't a desire there for that. Only a desire to give others love.
@@stephanielu7694 The child grew up in size but emotions and needs are the same.
Do you actually believe one can love others but not themselves?
@@sunbeam9222 no that child did. My therapist will confirm. There isn't a sad neglected little girl inside me.
Yes, I totally believe a person can love others and not themselves. Because I know people like that, and am that way myself.
@@stephanielu7694 Hi I am a vulnerable NPD (but grown out of the disorder and a nice person). I used to be skeptical about people like you existing. Dr Rosenberg's theory was total BS to me. It still is partly for reasons i can explain if necessary). But anyway you are the savior type, just like my ex husband (that I love now in retrospect). If you agree to answer these few questions:, I would be very happy
What is problematic about being the way you are=
Do you tend to be very compassionate as a rule (or mainly towards your partner?
How do you explain the fact that you don't want to receive love?
Do you feel like your life is not really yours, that you are just playing by rules you don't really like but don't have the choice, that taking care of yourself is a burden (as if that person was an alien, not you..? Do you seek validation?
How do you react when someone wants to connect emotionally, wants to give you love? What are the reactions in you?
Feel free to answer. I am very curious and trying to understand co-dependency. I read you were a scapegoat. I am one too, but a different kind obviously.
This is really good! I went down a 'empaths arent real' rabbit hole and it left me kinda confused, but they're definitely real. The whole ' wanting a different outcome with the narc' makes hella sense!! Ive learned so much about narcs and healing throughout the years. Im dang near a psychologist at this point but with no degree!
Damn near a psychologist too😅. It takes a lot of research/ soul searching for the answers we need.
@@MainHouse-kf3tb fax
This is so me --empath extreme. I am a magnet for narcissists. The multiple extra chances, the self-doubting, repeating cycles until I get it right/a different outcome(so crazy). . . .
And you’re right, once I figured out it’s a pattern, I “really” got it. And then all those old friends, acquaintances who took advantage of me started dropping like flies. They are out of my life. Including my selfish parents who are in their late 80s, they can rot.
This is me as an Empath. I would make excuses for them.
This video definitely resonated with me! I've learned the hard way that I am open, honest, straightforward, give others the benefit of the doubt and frequently self-reflect but that just because this feels natural and right to me, I should not be so open and trusting. Others can and will sometimes take advantage of that.
I'm getting out of a 25-year marriage to a narcissist. I've had chronic fatigue for 10 years now but am starting to feel more vitality and efficacy after years of learned helplessness.
Something that continues to haunt me and I'm trying to understand how this was possible, trying to stop blaming myself for it:
Part of me recognized I was dealing with a very bad actor. When my son was 5. But part of me obviously wasn't completely aware. Although I took steps toward trying to regain financial independence, trying to set boundaries with the narcissist, etc. he always had an easy time of sabotaging me, especially bc I wasn't willing to put my son in the middle of it all.
How can I possibly begin to make sense of this grand illusion? I find myself feeling crazy, unable to believe what happened and unable to find peace knowing that part of me knew he was a bad person. How could I have stayed for so long until I'd lost everything and he moved straight in with a younger woman he'd supposedly just met?
I think the feeling crazy might be due to the shift of perspective. You cannot identify with the other you that was not fully aware of what is now staring at you?
Part of you sensed it. But awareness was not in full display yet.
One thing that helps me is that I strongly believe that we cannot act above our level of consciousness. No one can. Therefore I'm not going to beat myself up for things I wasn't aware of at the times but rather embrace the new insights. When we know better we do better.
This stuff should be taught in school @ a kids level.
I've only just found your channel and it all resonates. I'm an empath who has known narcissistic people. Looking back they definitely laughed at my jokes, made me feel cared for and showed concern. Unfortunately for me it wasn't an individual.
I had a creepy dinner experience similar to this story @ Thank you for the validating reality. He did acknowledge the crazy in his behavior but he still make it seem like it was a misunderstanding & a benevolent thing. It wasn't & The 3rd person was uncomfortable for me & expressed it to me.🥺
Another question I forgot: The family I grew up in scapegoated me. I don't think I tried to sense what others needed and fix things but a therapist I had in high school told me about my role as scapegoat. I thought for the longest time that if only I could stop being a bad and crazy person, my family would all get along and be loving, etc. Though I finally got away to college and realized I was probably the most same and mentally healthy person in that family.
So, I see it was easy for the narcissist to put me back in my role as scapegoat. Is this also another typical role for the victim of narcissistic abuse?
Same question I have😮
I was the scapegoat (white sheep of the family) in my childhood family and my own family. I’m changing it but quick.
So difficult being alone now. Realised everyone in my life family/friend are narcissists and trying to escape. I'm turning 40 in 8 days and looked at my old Bday cards and my parents wrote in so many cards..."thanks for never causing dad and I any problems." thats it!!! how screwed up. I think I'm gojng through C-PTSD. I actually feel good through, for the first time I don't care if they die. I'll be sad, but not fear it it and worry abuot the effect in my life.
I was family scapegoat.. and ive had several people say i was the only sane person in my family.. that should wake you up..
Narcs will change up the family roles at the drop of a hat so plz remember that the clue is always manipulation via good cop/bad cop behavior… both love bombing & bullying are abuse because it’s part of a grooming process! I’m 65 & have no one in my life from family or friends male or female before my recovery from narcissism
So true that some people do navigate their world through manipulation rather than empathy. When you see this enough times it is a red flag that maybe they are narcissistic. I like how you put that - thank you !
You are welcome! Yes, I think it is a super helpful thing to remember!
!!Wow!! Now I remember after all the trauma what exactly happened to me with the last couple of relationships. It sucks kids are involved and I feel like an idiot about it but didn’t when I was calling it all out. I should’ve ended it sooner
Giving bad people a second chance can end up the end of your life ! Or as well giving someone the benefit of doubt!
Please talk about mirroring.
EMPATHS
You are falling in love with yourself
Picture an empty shattered dead soul holding up a mirror between you and them
Your reflection ,your reaction
It’s all they have
It’s a trap
They need to feed to survive
Im an deep empath and have set my boundaries, there's no pulling the wool over my eyes anymore , being a deep empath it take 3 days to know of there games I pick up quickly on the signs it hasn't always been that way its taken years of learning.
I’m trying to reframe it like the fool me once idiom. So, stop looking for love treats, and instead learn to make my own. Getting extra will be the icing and you can’t count icing. Okay, that’s my go at being poetic. TY ✌🏻💛
I love the idea 😊 what about the 50% of the population who can't make their own icing though?
@@cjmitz I think that each person’s journey to figure out how to make your icing. It’s a tough recipe.
Imagine being the only daughter (empath) of a Narcissistic mother who also has four sons.
Omg, I feel your pain and you’re in my prayers. That dynamic is 😔
28 years ago my spouse showed me in many car rides how bad she already was...
Anything that made her mad during me trapped in the car with her she would scream and yell, but always turned her music at top volume. I would just sit there for the next hour or so in fight or flight but can't get away, I couldn't believe she was doing that, even when 27 years later she thn tried to kill me and her by " Pretending " to drive off the road then lock the brakes up. WoW
I am a recovered empath. When my narcissistic, alcoholic and drug using (heroine, coke) sister was sent to jail, i couldn't eat, sleep or smile untill she was released. Her behavior never changed. Then, in a moment of clarity, I realized I was nothing but a free lunch to her. Someone who was always there to bail her out, give her money, attention, praise...etc. It took me 30 years to wake up and stand up for myself. I've since set boundaries that make me look like the coldest, meanest person on earth, but I don't care. My sanity and my freedom are my priorities.
Excellent video. Thank you for discussing that last point. When I was young, I suffered through 3 relationships in a row with narcissistic partners before I figured out that other people did not necessarily have the same high ethical standards that I had been taught. I also thought other people were as empathic as I was, and was amazed at how cruel they could be sometimes. I think we need to ask a lot more probing questions, and if people don't want to answer serious questions and insist on keeping it light, ask ourselves why. We should never assume things like I did. Giving vague answers is an answer in itself, and not a good one. Also, on a technical point, I've noticed on several of your videos that the color keeps fading in and out and they are black and white for a bit, then back to being in color again. I haven't seen anyone else post to tell you about this.... I'm not going to assume you already know.
Hi: Thank you for your feedback, and for letting me know the last point resonated. I do think it is important to remember that others don't think the way we do! And, yes, I am aware of the b&w - my current editor adds it for emphasis, usually if I'm quoting. Sounds like it isn't your favorite technique?
@@BarbaraHeffernan - It doesn't bother me at all. I just didn't realize it was being done on purpose!
@@BarbaraHeffernan Barbara I have noticed that switching to black and white technique in your videos, and I think it's a good one for emphasizing an important point🙄
It’s not that they had a lack of standards.. it’s that you allowed a person into your life that you claim you didn’t want there. Yet kept there and then rinse and repeated. Focus needs to be on self and not others. Which you need to take accountability and responsibility for.
Healing works needs to begin on codependency and childhood wounding ( and yea we all have childhood issues or you wouldn’t have relationships like this )
I’m not trying to sound like an ass. As I’ve been there. The pain and abuse. I blamed and shamed and it got me no where till I started the focus on self recovery. Self reflection. Self accountability. Self growth.
The problem all codependents have is always other focused. That includes other care taking as well as victim shaming others. Focus on others others others. Where are you in all this. What do you want. What does self love look like to you. How do you treat yourself. How do you show up in this world.
The key is: SELF. Not OTHERS
@@ssing7113 - I totally agree and wish I'd learned that sooner.
I am an extremely intuitive person with high EQ, high body language knowledge, and a bunch of psychological skills.
Being an only child to a covert narcissistic single mother who is emotionally unavailable sounds like a curse.
You just described my ex-wife and her mother to the hilt.
You need to included in your discussion the Covert Narcissist Rage. Its scary and alarming to experience in person.
Why do they not recall what they did when the raged?
(I ended up with CPTSD, Migraines and Severe Depression as a result of being exposed to this toxic behavior. I find myself easily startled and very hyper-vigilant and on pins needles when around anyone being aggressive or hostile in anyway. Sucks!)
The narcissist is a very dangerous person. I was around 2 of them for 32 years (wife and her toxic mother; they always fought and quarreled with venom, and claimed to love each other. I got caught in the middle.)
All what you said about no validation of feelings in the early stages. I was in a fantasy.
But free now to understand my behaviour also.
You nailed it for me on those issues. I definitely fell into all of those!
Because i have so much regard for others and what matters to them i was trying to rationalize what the, no regard whatsoever, was in my x sociopathic narcissist husband. My brain could not make sense of that!!
Like how can someone just not care at all when you're adversely affected by something?!?!
They don't! Period!
Hello Barbara, another good video. From my view on this one you touched every single relevant aspect of this type of relationship. I am an empath and it has taken me a long time to learn how to be myself but without getting abused. You are spot on in the Confirmation Bias and the Inconsistent rewards aspect. It took me decades to figure that out as to me as an empath it was so confusing to understand. I like your balanced view about this subjec which has become so popular lately. Congratulations and thanks for all the work you do in helping others sharing your knowledge.
Thank you for taking the time to let me know what resonated for you! Of course, I am pleased it resonated, but also sorry you had to go through this! Wishing you healing and happiness, Barbara
Powerful video! Thank you for helping empaths ❤
You are so welcome, and I do hope it is helpful!
Put up with a narcissist for 12 years; glad it's over! Thought i was going crazy!
Omgsh!! This is so true, and feels normal.
Thank you so, so, so much for posting this. I don't think my ex is a total narcissist, but he definitely has traits, and his dad definitely has NPD. I have always been very empathetic since I was little and what happened in our relationship is exactly what you described. The lack of empathy on his part and yet he would complement how caring and empathetic and selfless I was (until the end - then he said I was selfish when I wanted closure). It was so, so confusing. He would cheat and lie and do things that were very hurtful and not really understand or apologize, yet he seemed logically aware of how it hurt me. And the inconsistency. You described it perfectly. I really felt and still feel crazy. He would be so deeply loving and then cold and flirting or seeing other women and ignoring me. I was constantly afraid he would leave or cheat again and lie and yet I kept trying to be understanding and kept thinking it must be my fault because I wouldn't have done what he did unless the other person did something very bad. We were together 5 years and he ghosted me after I found out he was talking to another woman behind my back. Two months later he had another girlfriend. Over the last year he's said he would talk to me to give me closure intermittently, saying he understands and knowing how much pain I have been in. I keep wondering why I'm still hoping for it, but the inconsistent awards aspect makes so much sense. Sometimes he would respond to me. Sometimes in our relationship he'd be caring. Others he'd stonewall or ignore me or get angry at me for being upset. Sometimes he would respond to my texts. I keep hoping it will happen again and I feel crazy like I can't get it out of my head. But I want to put it behind me. Hearing about those dogs made me tear up a little because that's how I felt - I couldn't stop. Thank you so much for posting this - I can see I'm not crazy, my mind has been addicted to the inconsistency and sometimes being rewarded. I appreciate this so, so much!!!
These patterns have been costly 😢
Covert Narcissist ex-wife got me good. Love bomb, devalued then I sorta discarded her. I held on and kept going to her. Then she royally harshly mercilessly discarded me. 20 years gone by and Id take her back tomorrow.
-super empath
I'm so Angry at this narcicist and I'm so desperate to leave in peace but feels impossible right now.
Honestly i gave this girl too many chances and right when she got ready to do what she usually does. i told her exactly what she was going to do and she made a promise saying something no one should ever say for something that was no where near the worth of what she was asking. i told her "in my mind i already know what your going to do and if you do it this will be our last conversation"...she jumped at it with no hesitation whatsoever...low and behold...discard...its over...i blocked her on every platform and my phone. i honestly think she feels like if she waits a while and then try to comeback i'll cave....no....not happening. to be in such a vulnerable state and have somebody that ginuinely wants the best for you and throw it away casually after being told there wont be another chance is baffling to me. i'll give her a months before she tries to contact me again. ..not happening.
That was a brilliant video! The biggie for me is the false consensus effect. So helpful, I will rewatch it again and again!
This is the second excellent video I have seen form this woman. I love the information straight up without all the stories. We've lived it and don't need the stories. Love this video, learned a lot. Thank you for being so cogent.
Inconsistencies effect, WOW! So glad you mentioned that. It actually explains a lot.
Yep, yep and double yep. Deep work is def needed here
As a positive reinforcement dog behaviourist,and the family scapegoat - virtually every member of my family is a narc to some extent- every partner, every friend, every nsrc in any workplace or group has targeted me- I attract the damn things like a magnet. Even if I make a comment on a post, even when someone else says basically the same thing, a narc will leap on and attack me ,not the other comments which say what I said...it's bizarre how they can identify me... I can identify them usually now but when they are clients or people enquiring, its really hard to get rid of them without them getting angry and conducting a smear campaign because how dare I refuse to take them on . But if I take them on they will be angry if I tell them not to hit their dog or they wont change what they do or do the work, then blame me because I didnt wave a magic wand to change their dog... how is the best way to unhok them without them being angry?I wouldn't care aboit them being angry except they then write a fake bad review full of lies.
This is one of the best descriptions I have heard. Not only was she a narcissist add the mother and father. One day I was at one of my kids soccer banquets and her mother called and instead of taking care of the daughter, she called me and says your wife is sick - I am leaving for Florida. She was very sick and I took care of her for 12 years along with 4 kids, my job. It was horrible. Her mom got sick and she has no internet in taking care of her. I want to get away from my mom so I try to travel as much as I can. The sister is times 10x times worse. The whole family acted like this. Had to finally divorce her after 32 years. Feel like I got paroled from jail. You said you think people think like you - they do not.
Most informative narcissistic abuse coach I have ever come across by far! You really know your stuff! Thank you so much
Precious Barbara, I could blister my keyboard this morning exalting this video, I am sending sincerest best wishes to the people you worked with to get the video done, I believe it to be a Grammy level take. I am in awe. I don't know why I never saw your channel before. Sincerely, Your biggest Fan
Oh .... the 0-7 schema made me realize how bad it is. All of the chaos in my life happened in those times. It still kept going but in different ways. I was moved around until i was 10 and even then we still moved with in the home. Even worse I was over exposed to a large number of difgerent people, homes, and situations. It might explain a lot. In both good and bad ways.
So clear and brilliant🙏
A Liar is a Liar! Ain't giving no Narcissist any second time chances. Not after what he has put me through! He can sleep with whoever he wants too! He is low grade junk obviously.
Low grade sounds like HG Tudor who has no qualification. He might be a narcissist or not. Labels matter. People can be jerks without having a personality disorer. Check DSM-VTR section III and look for the dimensional approach to NPD. Lying and cheating are not impossible but not traits. I am a vulnerable NPD. This being said you did well.
I finally figured out how I was attracting narcissist. Thank you.
Excellent insights!
This video war super interesting and also very informative. The dog experiment was eye-opening to me! It is such a good way to explain our (my own) reaction to irrational behavior, it really is; the way one tries to understand irrational behavior and it drives you mad, while trying to analyze it until you understand it was just "random" because the other person does just not care or even manipulates you. Thank you for your work, it is awesome!
P. S. The color / b&w changes in your videos (to me) make absolute sense the way they are done when you change roles from "narrator" to "actor".
Thank you and keep going, you do great!👍💖
You are so welcome and thank you for taking the time to give me feedback! I really appreciate it and am glad you like the b&w shifts ( - I do too). And yes, learning these concepts helps make sense of our feelings and responses!
An absolutely superb eye opening video .thanks Madam. I love your presentation. Warm Regards
Thank you for your kind feedback :) I hope it is helpful!
@@BarbaraHeffernan I hope you'll keep me on board despite my different views!
Amazing video, thank you so much!
Barbara you are a wealth of knowledge and wisdom! Thank you for making these super helpful videos, so well planned and thought out and thank you to your editor too for the great flow!!
What an amazing video! Thank you so much ❤❤❤
This was so so validating and helpful. Thank you!
I like how you wrap the big picture up in a video. It's comprehendable and very informative
That sernario with the waitress was exactly what happened with my ex narc... Him & her both flirting with eachother like i wasn't there.. when i said it was upsetting to him he literally laughed at me.. a year later i was pregnant & he turned into a completely different person, like there was no need to wear a mask anymore 😭 sad times! The support from friends was dyer.. literally made me feel worse.
Been free of all that bs for over a year now & lit wouldn't even answer the phone to the selfish knobhead again🎉
You are saving my life with your RUclips page. There really are no words to describe how grateful I am to you for doing all it takes to get this video out to us. But, Thank you. Exponentially. To the gazzillionth degree. 😂
You are saving my life with this information. ❤
Thanks for sharing this 🙌 🙏 ❤
This is brilliant.
This is amazing. I need to take notes and repeat them til I can't forget.
Very well explained...Thank you very much
Its so sad, I have been with narcissist all my life. My mom, my brother (the hero always praised for anything) my first girlfriend my 2nd girlfriend. One of the newer friends i made (not entirely sure there, but when i said no to something he wanted he never reached out again). I am only 20. Most of my struggles come form NPD people. I have clinically diagnosed BPD i was in a DBT clinic and it helped a lot. Im actually a new person now able to say no and set better boundarys. But somehow these patterns keep repeating themselves. Every time when it's over i keep thinking what could i have done diffrently that she would not discard me. I would have done anything so she doesnt leave. I have done everything even try to end my life. But it just wasn't enough for her she was completely cold and objectived me. She was keeping drawings of all her exes and past relationships in her room that hung on the wall. Just like she hung a drawing of me on her wall. Its so disgusting and im in disbelief of the whole situation, my brain just cant comprehend how and why someone would do smth like this. I wouldn't, i would do anything for others to make them happy. Not treat them like shit like she did. I just dont want to end up in the same pattern over and over and over again. But thats what is happening. She reminded me so much of my mom. I never picked her she picked me and struck up a conversation with me at a party where she just randomly was. Idk how this happened this sure as hell was random but somehow always Narcissist enter my life. It cant be so random then. I just feel powerless to prevent it. I isolate myself so no one can leave or hurt me ever again but that doesn't solve anything.
Anyway ty for your video i cried during it. It was very much true and insightful, i hope i will be able to change the patterns in the future to just never have to deal with them again. In contrast to her and my mom i have the capacity to self reflect.
You are so young and wise. You can do the work to heal...take however long you want. Lots of awesome u Tube videos!
Hello Lady Barbara, you have all my respect. Intuitively I knew what you described in this video but I thought was something made off my mind. Now I have the confirmation. Thank you very much. I wish you all the best from an empath that was lost in this world.
Wow. Yet another channel that resonates deeply w/ me. Thank you for getting this information to me just when I needed it.
Thank you so much for making these videos and breaking this down. I am really struggling and this helps me understand why. I cannot thank you enough.
I felt like I had come home in this “ perfect relationship “ ; like he was my soulmate ; he had learnt me for three months , I started to see little signs of deep control jealousy and insecure . At three months I should have left after his first outburst . But he hadn’t got what he needed from me - eventually I took out a bank loan to help him out over 5 years ; after 7 months I had to leave him over his total insecurity jealousy and control .
Wow this is really good. Thank you
The first example can be reversed. I had a gf once who on our first date accused me of staring at a waitress. I was absolutely oblivious about having stared at her. In fact, I never did. I was friendly with her, because I'm not a jerk, and yes I noticed that she was attracted to me, but not once in my mind did I seek her attention, or had any lusting thoughts toward her, because I was simply focused on my gf and not even attracted to the waitress. And even if she had been attractive to me, I would not do such a thing out of principle. Toward the end of our relationship, I figured out that she actually had covert narc traits. It wasn't as pronounced, since it is a spectrum, but certain things she did at the end, made me feel as if I never knew her the whole time..
I am so happy to find you. Thank you!
You are so welcome! Glad you are here! 😀
Spot on...thanks for putting together this great video.
So pleased you found it useful and thanks for letting me know!
In my experience, it's narcissists who are quick to call others narcissists🤦♀🤦♀
Yes, I agree!
As a form of projection to take focus off of themselves AND minimize the credibility of the person if they accurately call out the narc as a narc.
this is one of the best videos I have seen on the narc/empath relationship- TY so much!!
You are so welcome. Thank you for letting me know 🙏
Really good information. Thank you
Glad it was helpful! Thank you for letting me know!
Thank you, very useful ✨
You're welcome 😊
Had to laugh at your story, almost that exact thing happened. My date was flirting big time with the waitress. Practically asked for her number right in front of me so after we ordered, I excused myself to go to the restroom and I left that dude sitting there at the restaurant (I was his ride) probably wondering where the heck I went to. Another thing that validates what you are saying: My mother became sick with cancer at 31 and I had 4 younger brothers that I had to take care of while she was sick. She died two years later and we kids were split up. This was very painful for me after being like the mother's main helper with all the little boys. I also suffer from agoraphobia after dealing with my father's abuse to me. I am pretty functional now after 10 years of counseling earlier on and now being in my late 50's. I think I am fairly functional but the empath thing throws my moods off a lot. I have to self correct and try to let things go.
This was such an insightful video. I've put a lot of work in understanding myself and people around me, but still learned a lot here. However, I'd like to see a little more of the shades of gray. I'm definitely an empath, but I think I have some narcissistic traits from the trauma other narcissists have caused me. Like the way my self esteem is very low, causing this constant need of validation and making it extremely hard to deal with criticism in any healthy way. Either I've really always been the victim and never done anything wrong, or I'm blame shifting just like my mother, grandmother, sister, best friend and her mother. I'd like more recognition of the duality of victim /abuser that a lot of people have. I don't want to be told that I'm just the victim and none of it was my fault. I want to be told that even if I might have had some part in it, I still didn't deserve the abuse.
This is all really good, I do this, but I have found the theory of IFS more helpful than schemas, where it is an exile or protective part that jumps into the seat of consciousness and takes over. In a way Narcissists can help us heal as they will find and trigger every unhealed part of the psyche, better than therapy if you know how to approach it.
Great video ❤❤❤
Thank you for letting me know! :)
Took that rubbish from my mother for 27 years. Every resident of the flats we lived in was told of my bed wetting, not told of my dairy intolerance which was the cause or her disregard of it (we drank milky tea as our daily drink from babies). I went no contact after she tried to use my children as a bullying tool. Never saw her again. She passed away 5 years ago. My kids were not kept from her, I told them ,when they were old enough, they could choose to visit her if they wanted. None of them wanted to. My sibling told me mum would tell neighbours she didn't understand how i could just drop her like that for no reason, withhold her grandkids from her..blah blah blah.. I am married to a covert
Wow thank you
not all people think the same way as I do! great thing to keep in your front pocket.
I love the saying love people for who they are not what you wish they could be. That truly love.
Thank you :-)
When we met and he introduced me to his friends he told everyone he got a good one this time. I didn't know what he meant at the time
APPRECIATE EVer Sooo caming sooo WELCOME and sooooo WELDOOOOOOWN everlife livelife
this lady is very clever
Thank you
I just end up with platonic friends who are narcissistic. They are very destructive as well.
I did not write this
Inconsistent reward is what’s called trauma bonding? Right?
My daughter will behave in a positive way which gives us hope and then pull the rug out leaving us in a trauma state. I’m learning not to respond at all to the trauma and sometimes to the positive. I want to be unpredictable.
My wife is one definitely SMH.. She loves to play the victim
Tries to separate me from anything i like and lots more. We went to Jamaica and she was bragging on how good of a man i was to the Jamaicans talking about how i take care of her and pay the bills only to get back home and she started downing me calling me broke and all. At this point i gotta leave for my sanity because its like she is a energy harvesting machine and im feeling weaker from her.. Ive tried everthing to make her happy only to realize she can't be happy smh