When I feel jealous I try to remind myself that I am a whole person on my own and that if my partner is happy then I'm happy for him/her no matter if they are with me or not. And I also try to remind myself that I will not be abandoned and evn if I do I will be okay cause I am enough.
It's tough to think about being abandoned, but I do find a certain comfort in knowing that even in that bleak scenario I'll still have myself. And just as you said, I am enough.
@@polyamfam the thing is that the fear of abandonment has nothing to do with someone's present or someone's partners - apart from triggering past trauma-, but with how the individual has been brought up and her/his relationship to their parents. So these issues are way deeper than just feeling jealous of the metamour's shiny hair 😅 and can be solved only by the individual, poly or not
@@eelnoops5200 It has not personally happened to me, but I do know that it does happen. Sometimes people change their minds on who they want to be with, or what kind of a relationship dynamic they want. Typically, acting out on your jealous feelings is a sure-fire way of pushing someone away though.
I'd agree. I try to ask myself what is the other person offering my partners, that I'm insecure I don't provide (as well, or in a way my partners receive it) and see if that's something I feel I can and ask my partners if they want that from me, and over communicate about it.
This is exactly it. Jealousy at its root is fear of loss. Once you realise that, it might not be easier to handle, but definitely easier to process. I use distraction to push past the moment and process later when I can talk to my nesting partner. That helps me.
Thanks for this thoughtful piece. A lover, who I'm in total NRE adoration of, just let me know they spent the night with a former partner. I felt a bit of anxious energy in my body, and was aware that I could become jealous. Instead, what I took from your suggestions was really liberating. Here's my therapeutic recalibration in words: Knowing, through experience, that I am not "someone's" person, and they are not "mine" is more harmonious with the reality that people cannot be possessed. Knowing I am free, and they are free, and seeing them be free, allows (or even demands) that I live my own full life and live in my desire, passion and presence without mistakenly locating these powerful forces within ME to be in another person. Polyamory calls me to be less codependent. It calls me to craft a life I will love, no matter who wants to share it with me. After a 10 year monogamous relationship against my design, I'm experiencing all the anxiety that comes with being truly free. Encountering fear, which is at the core of jealousy imo, is healthy because every time we face fear and ask fear some curious questions, we become more free from fear.
Meeting metamores is absolutely key for me when it comes to jealousy. It helps so, so, so much to humanize the person, and it makes it harder for me to project my own fears and insecurities on them. If we can be friends and all hang together, even better!
In need of some advice. What if the metamore is a completely different person yo you when the shared partner is around then when shared partner isn't around? Also what if the metamore has made it very apparent that they want shared partner for their self and that they think that they are better than you and mean more to the shared partner than you do?
Wow, well of course I'm not there to see the like "proof" that that's indeed the case, but, for me personally, I would totally share that with my partner because any good partner would take that seriously and take that as a red flag in my opinion.
But, to comment on the initial comment: I think I feel the same way! I've met two metamours so far since being with a polyamorous person, and both times it really helped see them as a normal human being haha.
I honestly think reading the comments here makes me feel better and kinda forget the jealousy. Being reminded that more people are polyamorous and dating other polyamorous people because we want to experience a kind of love that is really real and caring about the other, even if it means we get stings of jealousy. Thank you all for commenting, reading your responses calms me a lot.
I agree! I am struggling a bit right now since one of my partner just met someone and to see that I am not alone in those feelings that are really overwhelming sometimes help
I like thinking about how my partner is getting from their other relationships when jealously creeps in. The deeply rooted monogamous thoughts come easily, such as, oh no I don't want my partner to feel initmate and connected with another person, I want to be the only one who has that role in their life so that it makes me special to them. But I think about the joy that my partner feels and the things they get from time spent with their other partners. It's easier for me to be happy for them and that in turn makes me happy, in a similar way that I would be happy for them if they got a promotion at work. I can feel joy and satisfaction and pride through their achievements, whether those are work related or romantic.
@@eelnoops5200 some poly relationships do. Asking who pays for braces is kinda like asking who pays for braces in a mono relationship. Sometimes it might be one parent, sometimes multiple parents. Sometimes a kid in a poly relationship isn’t biologically related to either or any parent and all parents may chip in. Some relationships may have rules such as only bio parents paying for kids, and in that case the relationship may be hierarchical, with the bio parents being primary and the third+ being guests.
Ik you probably won't read this, but yeah. TL;DR This video was extremely helpful. I was going through self-worth problems and this reminded me that it's okay to feel jealous and have my own wants/needs. Thank you so much. I truly needed this. I'm very new to Polyamory and it's all very scary. I started dating someone who was already dating another person, and it was fine at first, but lack of boundaries eventually made it really difficult. He has a scheduled time to spend with his other partner, and I get really jealous when they go out because they often spend the entire day together and he seems so happy after he gets back. However, I haven't been able to see him in a month because every time we try to meet up our families have a change in plans or school/work gets in the way. Also, shortly when his other partner goes back to school, they will both be going to the same school while I am in a different city (in the same state) so they will see each other more often then i will see him. I'm always worrying about how I compare to the other partner or why he would need me when he's already so happy. But this video helped me realize that jealousy is normal and there are ways to cope with it. We are going to hang out today, and I feel like as long as we keep scheduling specific time for us it will all be okay. Also, thank you for reminding me I am still my own person. I am always seeking validation from others or worrying what they think or if I'm even needed/wanted, and it led me to forget that the time I make for myself is just as important as the time I make with him. I have not yet met his other partner, but we know about each other. Hopefully we can meet soon, and I believe that will help with the jealousy thing a lot.
I'm not poly, but this kind of content is helping me with jealousy I have from a past situation. I really appreciate all the people that are opening up and sharing. I know I have a lot to unlearn, but thank you, fellow humans.
Honestly, my wife and I (though we had decided a while ago) have just started to date other people. She happened to find another partner first and I struggled with jealousy pretty quickly. Meeting him and also receiving reassurance from my wife that her feelings for him doesn’t take away from her feelings about me has helped me substantially! Likewise, learning to sit in that jealousy and trying to analyze the root of the feeling has helped process that emotion. Great video, bee tee dubs 😁
Yes, it does take away from her feelings for you. When she gets banged out by other guys, they imprint their essence onto her body memory. What you call love is just lust. If she lusts for another she loves another and if she loves another, that takes away from her feelings for you.
So far I’ve noticed I only feel jealous if there is some underlying uncertainty I have in my position in the relationship. If I am secure in their feelings for me and where we stand, then I don’t seem to have any issue.
Looked up polyamory and jealousy after finding myself unexpectedly jealous with a partner’s new relationship dynamic. This helped a lot, though I’ll still be looking at other resources about tip #1 - I don’t want to disrupt the positive NRE with my jealousy, but I do appreciate the reminder that communication is still good, even in this.
Oh man, this so much!! I loved your bonus bit the most. I think that's super important. Unfortunately past metas have not wanted to meet me and as a result, I was definitely some villainous obstacle in their minds and things were such an unnecessary mess. It makes me sad. I think jealousy is super misunderstood by most people. To me, it's an indicator light for areas within myself that I feel are lacking or neglected. So I end up focusing on the areas of said person or thing that sparked my jealousy or insecurity until I figure out what neglected areas within my personal life and headspace have been highlighted for me. Then I work on it. I hardly ever actually have to say any of it out loud to my partner(s) because it's almost always inner work that's required. When it is something that requires their help, discussions are had. Basically jealousy is wonderful Shadow work opportunities.
I really like your description of jealousy. Often when I feel jealousy that requires only inner work on my part I will tell my partner but clarify that I don't believe I need anything from them at that moment. Just a heads up in case I seem a little off.
@@polyamfam oh I like the idea of giving that kind of heads up. I'm still working on hyper-independence. Your way sounds like a good little shift that seems healthier. I'll keep that in mind for the future.
My wife and I just started exploring the polyamorous lifestyle and I struggled hard with it at first. She found a partner super fast and they’re intimate but she also just wants him to be an addition in our life. My wife tells me over and over that he’s no replacing me and she’s not filling a void we’ve just been joined at the hip for 5 years and she wanted to loosen the reigns a bit. I did meet her partner and we have a lot in common, he hung out at our house all day Christmas Eve and our kids love him, he’s our “Uncle Kyle” this video really helped me, thank you so much.
Huh, so she got bored at the 5 year mark (typical) and then she decided to turn you into her cuckolded domestic servant. You “struggled hard with it at first” but then you finally accepted your complete and total emasculation. Wow, what an inspiring story,
I'm quite new to polyamory and seeing others so I'm constantly growing in this. One thing I noticed is that I feel totally fine with one of my partners seeing other people and I'm really glad for her. When my other partner, however, starts seeing someone else I get really jealous and also feel like a bad person for having those feelings. One thing that has really helped me is to talk it over with my girlfriend when I feel down. By really dissecting the feelings and pointing out what it is that makes me feel that way helps a lot in both understanding those emotions and dealing with them. When you turn on the lights the ghosts become less frightening so to say. Another thing that has been of real help is hearing about how others deal with the same emotions and that I'm not a bad person or lousy at being poly for having them. When I first started joining in different poly-groups on FB I got the feeling that most polys were above jealousy and that such "base emotions" were frowned upon. So hearing that many others also deal with them really gave me a boost to try and battle my own emotions. 😃
You're not alone in those feelings! I've noticed that I experience jealousy with my nesting partner, a partner you live with, far more than my other partners. It's not always so straightforward as to why. Maybe because I was in a monogamous relationship with them before being practicing polyamory? I'm not entirely sure. But you are absolutely right that talking about it is important. The lights do indeed make the ghosts less scary.
I just discovered that last part of the video today literally. I love how you put that… it’s about humanizing them. It really does help remind you that the person you’re partner picked and the person who picked your partner are just like you. And that’s a beautiful thing ❤
First of all I'd like to say I love all your content! Im new to non-monogamy and I find your videos and memes to be extremely entertaining and educational. My partner has been poly for a while and already had a partner when we started dating. It was really hard for me in the beginning, because I "accepted" him being poly, but never fully understood it. Until I was forced to think it through. I nearly ended things between us because I was insecure. What saved us was him asking me what it is that makes me feel threatened. And I realised it was the fear of being replaced. I had epiphanies hitting me like waves, one after the other. Realised that his feelings for other people doesn't change his feelings for me. He won't be leaving me for someone better. I won't be abandoned. And that's how I deal with jealousy. I remind myself that what we have is also special, albeit a different kind of special to what he has with his other girlfriend. We both meet his needs, but in different ways. And I get cool ideas for stuff to do with him, from the stuff they do. I learn from his other girlfriend, because hey, she's been in his life so long, it would be a waste not to be her padawan. Hahahaha! But at the same time I keep bringing my uniqueness to our relationship as well. I also love when we all hang out together. We feel like a family. It helps to see how much they love each other and knowing that, even though our relationships are seperate, we're a part of something great. I do get feelings of jealousy sometimes, but I'm able to deal with them better and in a more healthy way.
That thing about meeting your metamores makes so much sense. Because what is the most common thing we hear when a person finds out their partner's infidelity? We hear then ask, "Well, what am I not doing to satisfy him?" or "what are they not getting from home?" But who says that there is anything lacking? Maybe they just want more of the same, cuz what they have feels healthy. Feeling healthy is always a good thing.
I really like this video. I am in a poly relationship myself but I seem to be the only one who will routinely do homework and learn more about polyamory which sometimes makes bringing up certain topics difficult
I love meeting my metamours! I was in a relationship where my meta did DADT and did not want to know about me or polyam at all…and that was extremely difficult for me. I enjoy the social part of polyam too much to not get to know metas and to celebrate “YAY we both date a cool person and you are also cool too, let’s be friends!”
Thank you for this. I have been struggling a lot with my jealousy lately and it’s been making my depression worse, but these are really great tips and I think they will be really helpful for me going forward. I appreciate you and your content.
If you are depressed you should definitely make sure that you fuck so many different guys that your body’s memory becomes hopelessly confused ensuring you never have peace again. If that doesn’t work maybe try getting addicted to drugs or binge-eating junk food. That should help, your welcome.
Your example about the “does it affect me” and the movie example, was so useful ! Recently one of my partners, who we have agreed that Monday is our day, invited a metamour along with us on our Monday, I didn’t mind, but then they revealed that they and the metamour were going to have some time just the two of them together, which made me feel kind of disrespected as that did affect me, we’ve talked about it and it’s all good between us now
This is my real first poly relationship, and over the last few hours I’ve felt super intense emotions that fluctuate from excitement to extreme sadness. I know now after going through your channel for a bit that I’m feeling envious more than jealous, and it’s funny, because all of your tips you have posted are things I was already intending to do with my partner. We just haven’t actually had the talk of boundaries and new expectations yet, but we will tonight. It’s nice to see that I was already on the right track.
I came here to troll, but actually watched the video and it makes a lot of sense. This guy gives good advice. Dang. Now I don't know what to think and might try to have a serious talk with my partner.
I'm new to actually being polyamorous and I haven't 'practiced' it yet, and some of my boyfriend's compliments of other people already somtimes make me a lil jealous wich kinda scares me to ACTUALLY 'do polyamory! But I know that I'm polyamorous and this insightful video and all these comments have reassured me that things will be okay as long as i tell him everything and be healthy and communicative❤ I'm polyamorous and proud❤ Polyamory is literally (to me) one of the purest forms of love because you're being free and experiencing yourself in others in all different ways❤
Best of luck on your journey! Remember that it's not about "fixing" yourself all at once. It's about working on yourself and making progress one step at a time.
I like to find special things that are unique to the specific relationship, to keep the feeling of connection even when we can't be together. My gf and I read a poem together every night before bed whether it be in person or a few minutes on facetime. My bf and I have phrases and things we say that have a deeper meaning and only make sense to us. And also take a few minutes to face time each day when we can't be together.
1:34 exactly the reason that ignited me getting all jealous Come on its the new TMNT movie we didn't made plans to watch it but I talked about the trailer and how excited I was since it got announce :c I know I can go watch it again, he came back from it and dinner and didn't even wanna talk to me about the date or anything I don't know, if you didn't take me at least talk to me about it, not tell me to go see it again, the magic is watching it together and react to it together :c
My main way for dealing with jealousy is focusing on empathising with my partner and metamours connection. This helps me get out of my head and allows me to be curious and supportive of their joy. I also try to keep in mind that we all are different people and have different functions in a relationship. Meaning I give my partner a brake from her metamours and she gives me a break from mine too.
I actually lean into the human part of being jealous. Im honest with myself and my partner(s) about the exact reason I feel jealous and we normally joke about it and I feel better. Not like a monster for not being supportive 100 percent off top.
I'm so glad this video exists As someone who just entered a poly relationship (who can get can easily jealous) and with someone who gets easily gets crushes and flirts with ppl, it's going difficult for me to get used I really want this to last and I hope watching this types of video can help me to be a better boyfriend
I would recommend evaluating if you’re jealous or envious. Recently my gf had a bf I was a bit jealous of (they sadly broke up recently) and I realized I actually just wanted to live as close to her as he does and I would feel that was about anyone. It really helped with my jealousy realizing it had nothing to do with him, her, or I and all to do with my gf and I’s current long distance status.
# 1 over communicate,trying to be very specific. # 2 ask yourself- is the thing I'm jealous about actually affect me. # 3 Do something very productive that has nothing to do with your partner at all. # 4 Follow polygamous people and polygamous accounts on social media because it makes things feel more normal. # 5 meet your metamour (optional)
I’m a newbie to poly and honestly your videos and memes have helped as well as a very patient and caring partner and a best friend who are helping me through this transition. I’d love to hear some tips for freshies like me coming from mono relationships to a new partner who is poly? I appreciate your videos so much! Thank you. Also it’s my birthday today lol!! 🎉
I would say the first step you should take, if you haven't already, is to spent some time to figure out whether you truly are poly as opposed to someone who wants to pull it off in order to make something work with a particular person. I'm convinced that people are either wired for poly, or they are not. Those who are not but who go along for some reason are headed for disaster, as are poly people who date the monogamous hoping to "convert" them. If you are in fact poly, take it at your own pace. As for tips, I would say communication is key. It's something traditional couple should be doing but there's no wiggle room to just let issues "hang" out there when you have several people involved. Be honest, with yourself and partners about what you're feeling or not feeling toward them. Don't ever tell them what you think they want to hear to spare their feelings. Last, be aware that poly is hard work. All relationships are, but when you have two or three people, it's not two or three times harder. It's six or ten times harder. Even if your partners are not all live-in second husband or wife status, you have to invest something of yourself in them every day. You have to show up for them emotionally and physically when they need you, as much as is possible. People ask me what the hardest part of being poly is, and I tell them, half-joking, it's logistics. I drive a couple hundred miles more most weeks than I would if I were monogamous.
This is great! And I love that these tips can be used for any relationship not just for polyam ones. It's been a struggle getting my partners to meet my husband but the ones that have are able to relax and not feel like he's some villain just waiting to attack haha. Thank you so much for doing this.
For sure! Though I've used these things for my jealousy within polyamorous relationships they are absolutely able to be used for monogamous relationships too.
I think in some cases, people rush to “communicate” as a catch-all advice just to avoid the realization that they have irreconcilable differences. If a partner is hurting because there is no true middle ground, then you can talk it to death but it won’t change anything.
I'm having a really hard time with jealousy right now. My partner and I have been poly for over 3 years. I've never really dealt with jealousy with her. This new girl however I'm finding my self in panic attacks everytime they're alone. I have tried and tried and tried to figure it out. I'm at a loss here.
My husband and I are in a quad poly relationship (polyfinite I believe?) and it has been life changing. Honestly. We have been absolutely loving it. Jealousy has been one of my biggest struggles and has taken a lot of work but being able to sit with them and be open with my emotions and why the jelousy popped up, it has been helpful. I am so glad you have these informative videos. Thank you for doing these! I'm glad I stumbled upon your videos!
One thing my nesting partners and I have discovered is in the beginning of our relationship the difficult and hard conversations became easier over time and eventually a part of our norm. We all still experience from time to time but we work together and work through the issue and get to the root of the jealousy. Or as my partners say “it’s ours not yours or just mine” meaning when one of us is hurting we don’t hurt alone.
Hey peeps. I've been in a polyamory relationship for 5 years after being in a strictly monogamous, possessive relationship for nearly 18 years. My jealousy is a green eyed monster with her own personality. I also learned from the newer video 7 tips for jealousy that she has an alter ego named Envy. My partner isn't the best at communicating, he's trying to find his confidence and it's hard with me as a partner that's scared to let go. I need constant reassurance, contact and support. He's done his best, left reassuring messages but one night Envy was just too strong. I'm doing my best to do some self-care, self-discovery and learn how to be a better partner so I can be healthy for myself because I really hurt my partner with these actions. I should have looked at it as he was finally putting himself out there again, I should support and encourage him and trust I'm enough.
If I would have known how difficult it would be for me to find another partner, I wouldn’t have agreed to do the poly thing to begin with. But it makes her happy so I just deal with it as best I can.
Thank you for your kind and smart advice. I feel that talking it out with like minded people whom have some understanding of the complex workings of polyamory is super helpful. 🙂That being said I would love to chat sometime maybe get some perspective on something I've been ruminating on.
im glad these are just feelings coming from insecurity... knowing that opens so many doors to ways i can help myself and have a better relationship with others.
Fantastic content mate, I really appreciate your information. I have followed and will totally engage often.... New to Poly but not new to non monogamy so I have dealt with the jealousy feelings in the past but in most cases these are very minimal now. I really like your ideas....Keep up the great content and have a fantastic day....🇦🇺🤠🍻
oh wow this was so validating in so many ways. I’m always thinking that I’m probably dealing with this all wrong (specially with mono people being like “hmmm if you’re feeling jealous like this it’s because you’re mono like us, stop with the idea of poly”), so THANK YOU for this video!!!!
people are always surprised when I say that I'm a jealous person lol i just don't let that jealousy get in the way of my morals and what I think it's best for me and my partners. but yeah its a daily struggle!
New to Polyam, started looking for resources in this today, found your Insta and this video. This video helps explain some of the jealousy I feel, as well as these helpful tips that actually do make sense. That last one is the biggest for me, I dealt with a lot of insecurities until I started meeting metas
I know my partner for 13 years. So far our relationship is great. And yes. Its open. We both are very se*ual. Both love to travel. We are in the distance sometimes due to our careers. I trust him 100%. We dont really have the need to be with others at all but we love adventure and that option is available whenever we want to have fun. We are happy this way enjoying our feelings. We want each other to be happy and enjoy life. He is also my best friend and my family apart from partner and lover. We also set rules with the other people. "No emotional attachment or secondary relationships." And "Always honesty". So basically, we can have fuckfriends that we can meet individually or together whenever we want fun. So far, it works because we only look for people who only want sex. Depends on your partner as well. If you date a jerk or a guy with a Peter Pan mentality not ready to commit, you shouldn't have expectations indeed but if your love is solid it can last. Like our relationship. 13 years and counting. So it depends. For some people it works for others it doesn't work. You just need to love, trust, know your partner very well and do what makes you grow and be happy. Lots of love everyone ❤️
Respect..i feel this. My fiance is currently with her now new fiance(ex gf) after we had a convo about trying something new.. it is tearing me to pieces...it is HARD. Ino she Loves me and it is a intense everlasting love but God knows it hurts me.. I don't know how I did it with others but I can't reign in my feelings in regards to this..
Something that helps me with my jealousy, if it ever arises, is looking back at my journal entries when me and my partner had a very enlightening and validating conversation, how I felt in that moment, what she said that made me feel that way, and just soaking that in and remembering my won worth and what I bring to the table. Plus, I'm ultimately the nesting partner, the one she shares her most intimate and cherished secrets with. The meta's are just playing their role. They're not as invested as I am and they don't get to see the full spectrum of the side that I see of her, the side she fully shares with only me. It's a good feeling and that certainly helps me.
Thank you for such a well worded video! Love your content. Communication is the thing that helps me so much and when my partners don’t do it I get super insecure.
i've been in a poly relationships multiple times,i dont feel comftrable yet the persom i love means a lot to me they did ask me if its alright and ofc i said yes, i cant say no since i dont want to upset my partner. I had some past trauma from past relationships so i really just want them to myself i have a huge problem with jealousy and i feel jealous when someone matches their pfp,, if i try to say something i usually delete it since my partner is happy and i dont want them to be upset,, me and my partner have been together for 8 months and when they said if we can talk it broke me since i wanted them to myself,, me and my partner have been in really good tersm but laterly it feels like we are driffting apart and i dont want that to happen i have no idea how to help with my jealousy ive tried so many diffrent methods but no one of those work ,i usually try distracting myself but i just end up either laughing or crying and i barely go out with my friends since they hate me so ,, does anyone have any tips on how to distract yourself just so u dont feeel jealous?
Any advice for when you just don’t like one of your partners metas and you feel they aren’t a good person overall and are trying to come between you and your mutual partner?
I started an open relationship with a girl couple monthes ago, and then she started seeing someone else, and got on the serious side too. And all the sudden started feeling him as a threat... And on a resent talk we had, I realised that I hadan inferiority thing when someone i sense supperior than me (he has more experience in poly relationships than me and i felt they fitted more easily than us) and i also noticed that when she told me that this new guy had some jealousy struggles or some other stuff it calmmed me as i saw him as more humane... so then i started thinking on what could help me calm those empotions rather than moving out of the scene... of course working on self esteem is the bases, but i also thought on starting talking to him, closening the boundrys, for, as you said, not only she's choosing us both, she also told me how similar we are.... and also focusing on doiung more stuff i'm interested on, being true to myself will help me feel stronger... so to wrap up, seing not only in your video this advices, but reading other ppls comments as well gives me hope that i might be in the right path!
It sounds like you're on a great path! It's not about shutting off our jealousy. It's about growing, learning, and feeling more confident one step at a time. It takes time, but it's so worth it. Not just for your relationships but also for the betterment of you as an individual. Best of luck!
Jealousy is real!! since moving to farm land wisconsin my wife has a 1000 dates to my 1 and my 1 date may cancel lol. My jealousy reached a high when I started feeling that I wasn’t worthy or something. Luckily I did what you suggested and I’ve worked hard to be friends with the Metas. I make them a cup of hott coffee in the morning. I joke with them and sometimes ask if they can assist me on a project on the farm. Very often walls of doubt and jealousy fall down when I realize that the Metas are good dudes and dudettes.
Hey thanks for this video, appreciate it! I am wonder ring if you did the video you mention in tip 2 about telling your partners jealousy calmly and constructively thanks 😊
if you have ever been married...even without kids....it's difficult enough and some would say nearly impossible. it gets worse as you get older because there will always be someone left out and the time lost in scattering when younger cannot be gotten back
currently considering going poly, the social media thing is so true 'cause why do people who practice ENM have to walk on eggshells when talking about it in public while it's pretty easy for toxic mono people to drop a "non mono relationships are for people who don't love each other"
I feel absolutely zero jealousy about a partner talking to another partner; the only thing that bothers me is when a partner isn't honest about there being another partner. I feel like that breaks a fundamental trust.
My metamore is a really great guy. We have a mutually beneficial relationship. He helps us with rides and handyman stuff, and I give him delicious homemade food
In the past when I have met metas in a bad headspace it has gone horribly. I rarely feel compersive enough to meet my partners metas. Also he’s a straight man and he’s had a way easier time meeting cool people and dating. So he always has dates and gfs and I don’t have any so it seems unfair to always meet his partners while he never meets mine, because I don’t have any men that want to commit To me.
I've definitely been there. One very difficult thing about exploring non-monogamy with a partner is seeing firsthand how not everyone develops their relationships at the same speed. Sometimes it's a difference in dating styles. Sometimes it's just dumb luck with your local dating scene. Your pace is different than your partners. Different doesn't mean worse, and it doesn't mean you're a worse person. Best of luck!
I try to decenter myself and not make my partners my world. I need to try to take care of myself more and worry about others less. I focus on my compersion (joy from witnessing your partner be loved by others), which outweighs my jealousy at this point.
Honest question, do I have to meet my partners partners? I’m quite new to this and me and My partner have been “over communicating” but we both agreed we really don’t wanna meet the other persons partners. Is that like a must here? We both agreed that we might feel those feelings so it would be better to just not see them but also don’t pretend like they aren’t real. I understand they are going to be connecting with my partner like nobody else has since we started dating but yeah. Just on my mind. For context we also started exploring this after two years of monogamy
Meeting your metas is not a requirement at all! It depends on both of your comfort levels. If that's not something either of you want then that's 100% valid.
Been 6 years in an open relationship. One day I talkjed to her about getting feelings for someone else and then she admited being for four months in another relationship. I handled it well for a long time. Now im not doing well at all, I feel like shit and dont know what to do, I feel like my only option is leaving her and I feel like crap because we do have an amazing relationship despite the fact she's dating someone else.. but there are so many thiings that hurt me, including things like feeling he's more attractive, better at what i do as well (music), that he has plans all the time and i dont to do with her, etc
I don't know if you have agreements or boundaries set but for me one was to tell each other if we start seeing someone else (more than just a hook up). for me, finding out 4 months later that my partner has been dating someone else would make me feel out of the loop / lied to / betrayed in some way. I think transparency and communication are essential in non monogamous and poly relationships
I am struggling. My wife is poly and she recently started going out with someone. I love her so much and want her to be happy. But I’m really struggling. I’m crying constantly. I don’t want to ruin things. I don’t know what to do
I am very new here. I have always been in monogamous relationships that never worked out (usually cheating by my partner). I met and fell in love with a poly woman that I'm head over heels in love with, she's the love I've always been looking for. We plan to be married soon. I struggled with jealousy, feelings of insecurity, self doubt, etc. I had to research things on my own and really have a hard look at myself. I felt like when I was honest with my feelings it helped. I will be jealous and insecure sometimes but I am in charge of my response, my communication with my primary partner, and reassurance and support from her. I fell in love with her and who she is and I don't want to change her. Understanding these things made me feel so much better. I believe the primary partner + other(s) is excellent. I have chosen to remain monogamous, for now, because I want to be completely focused on loving her (my choice for me). I may change at some point, who knows. I love her so much and she loves me... I know this and that is a blessing that makes me very happy. Sorry this was so long. I feel like I unloaded during therapy, lol. Great tips, thanks.
Thanks this has helped me I'm still confused about being polly bc I never imagined myself dating 2 people there also my bsfs and I like one more then the other and am so confused and a bit jealous but don't wanna mess it up bc I like the both of them so thanks bc this has helped
Remember that it's okay for relationships to be different. Not all of our relationships take the same path and there's nothing wrong with that. Also don't be too harsh with yourself when you stumble. Nobody is perfect and we all have low moments. The important thing is that you're improving over time. Hope this helps!
When I feel jealous I try to remind myself that I am a whole person on my own and that if my partner is happy then I'm happy for him/her no matter if they are with me or not. And I also try to remind myself that I will not be abandoned and evn if I do I will be okay cause I am enough.
It's tough to think about being abandoned, but I do find a certain comfort in knowing that even in that bleak scenario I'll still have myself. And just as you said, I am enough.
@@polyamfam the thing is that the fear of abandonment has nothing to do with someone's present or someone's partners - apart from triggering past trauma-, but with how the individual has been brought up and her/his relationship to their parents. So these issues are way deeper than just feeling jealous of the metamour's shiny hair 😅 and can be solved only by the individual, poly or not
You just helped me a lot reading this
loooveeeee thiiiis thank you
Powerful 🙏🏾
Realizing that jealousy, for me, was almost entirely based around fear of losing someone/something.. really helped me wrap my head around things
Yes! This is true for me as well. Or fear that they will come to not want you anymore.
Does that ever happen, or only if you act out your jealous concerns?
@@eelnoops5200 It has not personally happened to me, but I do know that it does happen. Sometimes people change their minds on who they want to be with, or what kind of a relationship dynamic they want. Typically, acting out on your jealous feelings is a sure-fire way of pushing someone away though.
I'd agree. I try to ask myself what is the other person offering my partners, that I'm insecure I don't provide (as well, or in a way my partners receive it) and see if that's something I feel I can and ask my partners if they want that from me, and over communicate about it.
This is exactly it. Jealousy at its root is fear of loss. Once you realise that, it might not be easier to handle, but definitely easier to process. I use distraction to push past the moment and process later when I can talk to my nesting partner. That helps me.
Thanks for this thoughtful piece. A lover, who I'm in total NRE adoration of, just let me know they spent the night with a former partner. I felt a bit of anxious energy in my body, and was aware that I could become jealous. Instead, what I took from your suggestions was really liberating. Here's my therapeutic recalibration in words: Knowing, through experience, that I am not "someone's" person, and they are not "mine" is more harmonious with the reality that people cannot be possessed. Knowing I am free, and they are free, and seeing them be free, allows (or even demands) that I live my own full life and live in my desire, passion and presence without mistakenly locating these powerful forces within ME to be in another person. Polyamory calls me to be less codependent. It calls me to craft a life I will love, no matter who wants to share it with me. After a 10 year monogamous relationship against my design, I'm experiencing all the anxiety that comes with being truly free. Encountering fear, which is at the core of jealousy imo, is healthy because every time we face fear and ask fear some curious questions, we become more free from fear.
I really appreciate your comment and thoughts. So well expressed! Thank you
Meeting metamores is absolutely key for me when it comes to jealousy. It helps so, so, so much to humanize the person, and it makes it harder for me to project my own fears and insecurities on them. If we can be friends and all hang together, even better!
In need of some advice.
What if the metamore is a completely different person yo you when the shared partner is around then when shared partner isn't around? Also what if the metamore has made it very apparent that they want shared partner for their self and that they think that they are better than you and mean more to the shared partner than you do?
Wow, well of course I'm not there to see the like "proof" that that's indeed the case, but, for me personally, I would totally share that with my partner because any good partner would take that seriously and take that as a red flag in my opinion.
But, to comment on the initial comment: I think I feel the same way! I've met two metamours so far since being with a polyamorous person, and both times it really helped see them as a normal human being haha.
I honestly think reading the comments here makes me feel better and kinda forget the jealousy. Being reminded that more people are polyamorous and dating other polyamorous people because we want to experience a kind of love that is really real and caring about the other, even if it means we get stings of jealousy. Thank you all for commenting, reading your responses calms me a lot.
I agree! I am struggling a bit right now since one of my partner just met someone and to see that I am not alone in those feelings that are really overwhelming sometimes help
I like thinking about how my partner is getting from their other relationships when jealously creeps in. The deeply rooted monogamous thoughts come easily, such as, oh no I don't want my partner to feel initmate and connected with another person, I want to be the only one who has that role in their life so that it makes me special to them. But I think about the joy that my partner feels and the things they get from time spent with their other partners. It's easier for me to be happy for them and that in turn makes me happy, in a similar way that I would be happy for them if they got a promotion at work. I can feel joy and satisfaction and pride through their achievements, whether those are work related or romantic.
I love that way of looking at it!
this was very comforting to read :’) thank you for sharing
I would love to feel happy for them, but I’m afraid of losing them from my life more than anything else.
Do poly people have and raise children? How does that work? Who pays for braces and college?
@@eelnoops5200 some poly relationships do. Asking who pays for braces is kinda like asking who pays for braces in a mono relationship. Sometimes it might be one parent, sometimes multiple parents.
Sometimes a kid in a poly relationship isn’t biologically related to either or any parent and all parents may chip in. Some relationships may have rules such as only bio parents paying for kids, and in that case the relationship may be hierarchical, with the bio parents being primary and the third+ being guests.
Ik you probably won't read this, but yeah.
TL;DR This video was extremely helpful. I was going through self-worth problems and this reminded me that it's okay to feel jealous and have my own wants/needs.
Thank you so much. I truly needed this. I'm very new to Polyamory and it's all very scary.
I started dating someone who was already dating another person, and it was fine at first, but lack of boundaries eventually made it really difficult.
He has a scheduled time to spend with his other partner, and I get really jealous when they go out because they often spend the entire day together and he seems so happy after he gets back.
However, I haven't been able to see him in a month because every time we try to meet up our families have a change in plans or school/work gets in the way.
Also, shortly when his other partner goes back to school, they will both be going to the same school while I am in a different city (in the same state) so they will see each other more often then i will see him.
I'm always worrying about how I compare to the other partner or why he would need me when he's already so happy.
But this video helped me realize that jealousy is normal and there are ways to cope with it.
We are going to hang out today, and I feel like as long as we keep scheduling specific time for us it will all be okay.
Also, thank you for reminding me I am still my own person. I am always seeking validation from others or worrying what they think or if I'm even needed/wanted, and it led me to forget that the time I make for myself is just as important as the time I make with him.
I have not yet met his other partner, but we know about each other. Hopefully we can meet soon, and I believe that will help with the jealousy thing a lot.
I'm not poly, but this kind of content is helping me with jealousy I have from a past situation. I really appreciate all the people that are opening up and sharing. I know I have a lot to unlearn, but thank you, fellow humans.
Honestly, my wife and I (though we had decided a while ago) have just started to date other people. She happened to find another partner first and I struggled with jealousy pretty quickly. Meeting him and also receiving reassurance from my wife that her feelings for him doesn’t take away from her feelings about me has helped me substantially! Likewise, learning to sit in that jealousy and trying to analyze the root of the feeling has helped process that emotion. Great video, bee tee dubs 😁
I had much the same experience when my wife and I started dating others. Those things helped me so much as well!
Yes, it does take away from her feelings for you. When she gets banged out by other guys, they imprint their essence onto her body memory. What you call love is just lust. If she lusts for another she loves another and if she loves another, that takes away from her feelings for you.
@@krueltykampaign1580 username checks out
@@krueltykampaign1580 notice it's always the wife that wants to get plowed by other dudes, and never the guy.
How's it going now it's been 8 months since this comment how is life?
dealing with jealousy is a process and not a light switch 💯 facts 🥰
So far I’ve noticed I only feel jealous if there is some underlying uncertainty I have in my position in the relationship. If I am secure in their feelings for me and where we stand, then I don’t seem to have any issue.
Looked up polyamory and jealousy after finding myself unexpectedly jealous with a partner’s new relationship dynamic. This helped a lot, though I’ll still be looking at other resources about tip #1 - I don’t want to disrupt the positive NRE with my jealousy, but I do appreciate the reminder that communication is still good, even in this.
Oh man, this so much!! I loved your bonus bit the most. I think that's super important. Unfortunately past metas have not wanted to meet me and as a result, I was definitely some villainous obstacle in their minds and things were such an unnecessary mess. It makes me sad.
I think jealousy is super misunderstood by most people. To me, it's an indicator light for areas within myself that I feel are lacking or neglected. So I end up focusing on the areas of said person or thing that sparked my jealousy or insecurity until I figure out what neglected areas within my personal life and headspace have been highlighted for me. Then I work on it. I hardly ever actually have to say any of it out loud to my partner(s) because it's almost always inner work that's required. When it is something that requires their help, discussions are had. Basically jealousy is wonderful Shadow work opportunities.
I really like your description of jealousy. Often when I feel jealousy that requires only inner work on my part I will tell my partner but clarify that I don't believe I need anything from them at that moment. Just a heads up in case I seem a little off.
@@polyamfam oh I like the idea of giving that kind of heads up. I'm still working on hyper-independence. Your way sounds like a good little shift that seems healthier. I'll keep that in mind for the future.
Wish more people would read up on ethical non-monogamy, whether they are poly or not.
My wife and I just started exploring the polyamorous lifestyle and I struggled hard with it at first. She found a partner super fast and they’re intimate but she also just wants him to be an addition in our life. My wife tells me over and over that he’s no replacing me and she’s not filling a void we’ve just been joined at the hip for 5 years and she wanted to loosen the reigns a bit. I did meet her partner and we have a lot in common, he hung out at our house all day Christmas Eve and our kids love him, he’s our “Uncle Kyle” this video really helped me, thank you so much.
Huh, so she got bored at the 5 year mark (typical) and then she decided to turn you into her cuckolded domestic servant. You “struggled hard with it at first” but then you finally accepted your complete and total emasculation. Wow, what an inspiring story,
You poor soul 😂
😂😂😂
I'm quite new to polyamory and seeing others so I'm constantly growing in this.
One thing I noticed is that I feel totally fine with one of my partners seeing other people and I'm really glad for her.
When my other partner, however, starts seeing someone else I get really jealous and also feel like a bad person for having those feelings.
One thing that has really helped me is to talk it over with my girlfriend when I feel down. By really dissecting the feelings and pointing out what it is that makes me feel that way helps a lot in both understanding those emotions and dealing with them.
When you turn on the lights the ghosts become less frightening so to say.
Another thing that has been of real help is hearing about how others deal with the same emotions and that I'm not a bad person or lousy at being poly for having them.
When I first started joining in different poly-groups on FB I got the feeling that most polys were above jealousy and that such "base emotions" were frowned upon. So hearing that many others also deal with them really gave me a boost to try and battle my own emotions. 😃
You're not alone in those feelings! I've noticed that I experience jealousy with my nesting partner, a partner you live with, far more than my other partners. It's not always so straightforward as to why. Maybe because I was in a monogamous relationship with them before being practicing polyamory? I'm not entirely sure. But you are absolutely right that talking about it is important. The lights do indeed make the ghosts less scary.
I just discovered that last part of the video today literally. I love how you put that… it’s about humanizing them. It really does help remind you that the person you’re partner picked and the person who picked your partner are just like you. And that’s a beautiful thing ❤
First of all I'd like to say I love all your content! Im new to non-monogamy and I find your videos and memes to be extremely entertaining and educational. My partner has been poly for a while and already had a partner when we started dating. It was really hard for me in the beginning, because I "accepted" him being poly, but never fully understood it. Until I was forced to think it through. I nearly ended things between us because I was insecure. What saved us was him asking me what it is that makes me feel threatened. And I realised it was the fear of being replaced. I had epiphanies hitting me like waves, one after the other. Realised that his feelings for other people doesn't change his feelings for me. He won't be leaving me for someone better. I won't be abandoned. And that's how I deal with jealousy. I remind myself that what we have is also special, albeit a different kind of special to what he has with his other girlfriend. We both meet his needs, but in different ways. And I get cool ideas for stuff to do with him, from the stuff they do. I learn from his other girlfriend, because hey, she's been in his life so long, it would be a waste not to be her padawan. Hahahaha! But at the same time I keep bringing my uniqueness to our relationship as well. I also love when we all hang out together. We feel like a family. It helps to see how much they love each other and knowing that, even though our relationships are seperate, we're a part of something great. I do get feelings of jealousy sometimes, but I'm able to deal with them better and in a more healthy way.
I don't think you should have to apologize for plugging your stuff, I really appreciate your content I followed you here from TikTok!
That thing about meeting your metamores makes so much sense. Because what is the most common thing we hear when a person finds out their partner's infidelity? We hear then ask, "Well, what am I not doing to satisfy him?" or "what are they not getting from home?" But who says that there is anything lacking? Maybe they just want more of the same, cuz what they have feels healthy. Feeling healthy is always a good thing.
I really like this video. I am in a poly relationship myself but I seem to be the only one who will routinely do homework and learn more about polyamory which sometimes makes bringing up certain topics difficult
I love meeting my metamours! I was in a relationship where my meta did DADT and did not want to know about me or polyam at all…and that was extremely difficult for me. I enjoy the social part of polyam too much to not get to know metas and to celebrate “YAY we both date a cool person and you are also cool too, let’s be friends!”
Thank you for this. I have been struggling a lot with my jealousy lately and it’s been making my depression worse, but these are really great tips and I think they will be really helpful for me going forward. I appreciate you and your content.
Glad I can be of some help. I know how it feels to be in a very low place because of jealousy. Not fun at all. Best of luck.
@@polyamfam thanks so much
If you are depressed you should definitely make sure that you fuck so many different guys that your body’s memory becomes hopelessly confused ensuring you never have peace again. If that doesn’t work maybe try getting addicted to drugs or binge-eating junk food. That should help, your welcome.
Your example about the “does it affect me” and the movie example, was so useful ! Recently one of my partners, who we have agreed that Monday is our day, invited a metamour along with us on our Monday, I didn’t mind, but then they revealed that they and the metamour were going to have some time just the two of them together, which made me feel kind of disrespected as that did affect me, we’ve talked about it and it’s all good between us now
This is my real first poly relationship, and over the last few hours I’ve felt super intense emotions that fluctuate from excitement to extreme sadness. I know now after going through your channel for a bit that I’m feeling envious more than jealous, and it’s funny, because all of your tips you have posted are things I was already intending to do with my partner. We just haven’t actually had the talk of boundaries and new expectations yet, but we will tonight. It’s nice to see that I was already on the right track.
I came here to troll, but actually watched the video and it makes a lot of sense. This guy gives good advice. Dang. Now I don't know what to think and might try to have a serious talk with my partner.
I'm new to actually being polyamorous and I haven't 'practiced' it yet, and some of my boyfriend's compliments of other people already somtimes make me a lil jealous wich kinda scares me to ACTUALLY 'do polyamory! But I know that I'm polyamorous and this insightful video and all these comments have reassured me that things will be okay as long as i tell him everything and be healthy and communicative❤
I'm polyamorous and proud❤
Polyamory is literally (to me) one of the purest forms of love because you're being free and experiencing yourself in others in all different ways❤
Best of luck on your journey! Remember that it's not about "fixing" yourself all at once. It's about working on yourself and making progress one step at a time.
I like to find special things that are unique to the specific relationship, to keep the feeling of connection even when we can't be together. My gf and I read a poem together every night before bed whether it be in person or a few minutes on facetime. My bf and I have phrases and things we say that have a deeper meaning and only make sense to us. And also take a few minutes to face time each day when we can't be together.
1:34 exactly the reason that ignited me getting all jealous
Come on its the new TMNT movie we didn't made plans to watch it but I talked about the trailer and how excited I was since it got announce :c
I know I can go watch it again, he came back from it and dinner and didn't even wanna talk to me about the date or anything
I don't know, if you didn't take me at least talk to me about it, not tell me to go see it again, the magic is watching it together and react to it together :c
My main way for dealing with jealousy is focusing on empathising with my partner and metamours connection. This helps me get out of my head and allows me to be curious and supportive of their joy. I also try to keep in mind that we all are different people and have different functions in a relationship. Meaning I give my partner a brake from her metamours and she gives me a break from mine too.
I actually lean into the human part of being jealous. Im honest with myself and my partner(s) about the exact reason I feel jealous and we normally joke about it and I feel better. Not like a monster for not being supportive 100 percent off top.
I'm so glad this video exists
As someone who just entered a poly relationship (who can get can easily jealous) and with someone who gets easily gets crushes and flirts with ppl, it's going difficult for me to get used I really want this to last and I hope watching this types of video can help me to be a better boyfriend
I would recommend evaluating if you’re jealous or envious. Recently my gf had a bf I was a bit jealous of (they sadly broke up recently) and I realized I actually just wanted to live as close to her as he does and I would feel that was about anyone. It really helped with my jealousy realizing it had nothing to do with him, her, or I and all to do with my gf and I’s current long distance status.
Relatable ❤
# 1 over communicate,trying to be very specific.
# 2 ask yourself- is the thing I'm jealous about actually affect me.
# 3 Do something very productive that has nothing to do with your partner at all.
# 4 Follow polygamous people and polygamous accounts on social media because it makes things feel more normal.
# 5 meet your metamour (optional)
I’m a newbie to poly and honestly your videos and memes have helped as well as a very patient and caring partner and a best friend who are helping me through this transition. I’d love to hear some tips for freshies like me coming from mono relationships to a new partner who is poly?
I appreciate your videos so much! Thank you.
Also it’s my birthday today lol!! 🎉
I would say the first step you should take, if you haven't already, is to spent some time to figure out whether you truly are poly as opposed to someone who wants to pull it off in order to make something work with a particular person. I'm convinced that people are either wired for poly, or they are not. Those who are not but who go along for some reason are headed for disaster, as are poly people who date the monogamous hoping to "convert" them.
If you are in fact poly, take it at your own pace. As for tips, I would say communication is key. It's something traditional couple should be doing but there's no wiggle room to just let issues "hang" out there when you have several people involved. Be honest, with yourself and partners about what you're feeling or not feeling toward them. Don't ever tell them what you think they want to hear to spare their feelings.
Last, be aware that poly is hard work. All relationships are, but when you have two or three people, it's not two or three times harder. It's six or ten times harder. Even if your partners are not all live-in second husband or wife status, you have to invest something of yourself in them every day. You have to show up for them emotionally and physically when they need you, as much as is possible. People ask me what the hardest part of being poly is, and I tell them, half-joking, it's logistics. I drive a couple hundred miles more most weeks than I would if I were monogamous.
@@kenofken9458 Really six or ten times harder? 😬 OMG.
This is great! And I love that these tips can be used for any relationship not just for polyam ones. It's been a struggle getting my partners to meet my husband but the ones that have are able to relax and not feel like he's some villain just waiting to attack haha. Thank you so much for doing this.
For sure! Though I've used these things for my jealousy within polyamorous relationships they are absolutely able to be used for monogamous relationships too.
I think in some cases, people rush to “communicate” as a catch-all advice just to avoid the realization that they have irreconcilable differences. If a partner is hurting because there is no true middle ground, then you can talk it to death but it won’t change anything.
I'm having a really hard time with jealousy right now. My partner and I have been poly for over 3 years. I've never really dealt with jealousy with her. This new girl however I'm finding my self in panic attacks everytime they're alone. I have tried and tried and tried to figure it out. I'm at a loss here.
My husband and I are in a quad poly relationship (polyfinite I believe?) and it has been life changing. Honestly. We have been absolutely loving it. Jealousy has been one of my biggest struggles and has taken a lot of work but being able to sit with them and be open with my emotions and why the jelousy popped up, it has been helpful. I am so glad you have these informative videos. Thank you for doing these! I'm glad I stumbled upon your videos!
Thank you for this video! Its rare find good poly videos talking about what we struggle ❤
Thank you! I'm trying my best to make sure my videos are as informative as possible without being way too long-winded. Glad it's working!
Thank you I needed these reminders 🫶🏾
Thanks man, seen polyamory content makes me feel normal, that's what I meeded
I love how even you asking to like it subscribe are not manipulative
I do believe this is helpful for any kind of structure in relationships and is enlightful for the polyamorous relationship
It's amazing how much polyamory relationship advice applies to monogamous relationships too.
thank you.
YAYYYY A RUclips CHANNEL!!
Wow, this is just what i needed to hear. Very helpful stuff. Thank you!
One thing my nesting partners and I have discovered is in the beginning of our relationship the difficult and hard conversations became easier over time and eventually a part of our norm. We all still experience from time to time but we work together and work through the issue and get to the root of the jealousy. Or as my partners say “it’s ours not yours or just mine” meaning when one of us is hurting we don’t hurt alone.
Hey peeps. I've been in a polyamory relationship for 5 years after being in a strictly monogamous, possessive relationship for nearly 18 years. My jealousy is a green eyed monster with her own personality. I also learned from the newer video 7 tips for jealousy that she has an alter ego named Envy. My partner isn't the best at communicating, he's trying to find his confidence and it's hard with me as a partner that's scared to let go. I need constant reassurance, contact and support. He's done his best, left reassuring messages but one night Envy was just too strong. I'm doing my best to do some self-care, self-discovery and learn how to be a better partner so I can be healthy for myself because I really hurt my partner with these actions. I should have looked at it as he was finally putting himself out there again, I should support and encourage him and trust I'm enough.
Thank you for this video I'm new with my partner in this poly role and am learning alot
If I would have known how difficult it would be for me to find another partner, I wouldn’t have agreed to do the poly thing to begin with. But it makes her happy so I just deal with it as best I can.
Thank you for your kind and smart advice. I feel that talking it out with like minded people whom have some understanding of the complex workings of polyamory is super helpful. 🙂That being said I would love to chat sometime maybe get some perspective on something I've been ruminating on.
Just starting out. Thank you for this.
im glad these are just feelings coming from insecurity... knowing that opens so many doors to ways i can help myself and have a better relationship with others.
I am not alone 🥰
Fantastic content mate, I really appreciate your information. I have followed and will totally engage often.... New to Poly but not new to non monogamy so I have dealt with the jealousy feelings in the past but in most cases these are very minimal now. I really like your ideas....Keep up the great content and have a fantastic day....🇦🇺🤠🍻
oh wow this was so validating in so many ways. I’m always thinking that I’m probably dealing with this all wrong (specially with mono people being like “hmmm if you’re feeling jealous like this it’s because you’re mono like us, stop with the idea of poly”), so THANK YOU for this video!!!!
This is especially helpful. Thank you
people are always surprised when I say that I'm a jealous person lol i just don't let that jealousy get in the way of my morals and what I think it's best for me and my partners. but yeah its a daily struggle!
New to Polyam, started looking for resources in this today, found your Insta and this video.
This video helps explain some of the jealousy I feel, as well as these helpful tips that actually do make sense. That last one is the biggest for me, I dealt with a lot of insecurities until I started meeting metas
Welcome to the polyamory community! Glad I could be of some help.
Thank you ! 🙏🏽
this really helped, thanks.
I know my partner for 13 years.
So far our relationship is great.
And yes. Its open.
We both are very se*ual. Both love to travel. We are in the distance sometimes due to our careers.
I trust him 100%.
We dont really have the need to be with others at all but we love adventure and that option is available whenever we want to have fun.
We are happy this way enjoying our feelings. We want each other to be happy and enjoy life.
He is also my best friend and my family apart from partner and lover.
We also set rules with the other people.
"No emotional attachment or secondary relationships."
And "Always honesty".
So basically, we can have fuckfriends that we can meet individually or together whenever we want fun.
So far, it works because we only look for people who only want sex.
Depends on your partner as well. If you date a jerk or a guy with a Peter Pan mentality not ready to commit, you shouldn't have expectations indeed but if your love is solid it can last. Like our relationship.
13 years and counting.
So it depends.
For some people it works for others it doesn't work.
You just need to love, trust, know your partner very well and do what makes you grow and be happy.
Lots of love everyone ❤️
Respect..i feel this. My fiance is currently with her now new fiance(ex gf) after we had a convo about trying something new.. it is tearing me to pieces...it is HARD. Ino she Loves me and it is a intense everlasting love but God knows it hurts me..
I don't know how I did it with others but I can't reign in my feelings in regards to this..
Something that helps me with my jealousy, if it ever arises, is looking back at my journal entries when me and my partner had a very enlightening and validating conversation, how I felt in that moment, what she said that made me feel that way, and just soaking that in and remembering my won worth and what I bring to the table. Plus, I'm ultimately the nesting partner, the one she shares her most intimate and cherished secrets with. The meta's are just playing their role. They're not as invested as I am and they don't get to see the full spectrum of the side that I see of her, the side she fully shares with only me. It's a good feeling and that certainly helps me.
Thank you for such a well worded video! Love your content. Communication is the thing that helps me so much and when my partners don’t do it I get super insecure.
Thanks so much for taking the time to make this content! You are very helpful and inspiring :) can't wait for more.
i've been in a poly relationships multiple times,i dont feel comftrable yet the persom i love means a lot to me they did ask me if its alright and ofc i said yes, i cant say no since i dont want to upset my partner. I had some past trauma from past relationships so i really just want them to myself i have a huge problem with jealousy and i feel jealous when someone matches their pfp,, if i try to say something i usually delete it since my partner is happy and i dont want them to be upset,, me and my partner have been together for 8 months and when they said if we can talk it broke me since i wanted them to myself,, me and my partner have been in really good tersm but laterly it feels like we are driffting apart and i dont want that to happen i have no idea how to help with my jealousy ive tried so many diffrent methods but no one of those work ,i usually try distracting myself but i just end up either laughing or crying and i barely go out with my friends since they hate me so ,, does anyone have any tips on how to distract yourself just so u dont feeel jealous?
Thanks for this
Glad you liked it! My next video will be a follow-up to this with more jealousy tips. I'm hopefully posting it next week.
New to your channel and love your videos !!!
dude how do you have time for work and to make videos and having 5 relationships. your a super human
Any advice for when you just don’t like one of your partners metas and you feel they aren’t a good person overall and are trying to come between you and your mutual partner?
I started an open relationship with a girl couple monthes ago, and then she started seeing someone else, and got on the serious side too. And all the sudden started feeling him as a threat... And on a resent talk we had, I realised that I hadan inferiority thing when someone i sense supperior than me (he has more experience in poly relationships than me and i felt they fitted more easily than us) and i also noticed that when she told me that this new guy had some jealousy struggles or some other stuff it calmmed me as i saw him as more humane...
so then i started thinking on what could help me calm those empotions rather than moving out of the scene... of course working on self esteem is the bases, but i also thought on starting talking to him, closening the boundrys, for, as you said, not only she's choosing us both, she also told me how similar we are.... and also focusing on doiung more stuff i'm interested on, being true to myself will help me feel stronger...
so to wrap up, seing not only in your video this advices, but reading other ppls comments as well gives me hope that i might be in the right path!
It sounds like you're on a great path! It's not about shutting off our jealousy. It's about growing, learning, and feeling more confident one step at a time. It takes time, but it's so worth it. Not just for your relationships but also for the betterment of you as an individual. Best of luck!
Jealousy is real!! since moving to farm land wisconsin my wife has a 1000 dates to my 1 and my 1 date may cancel lol. My jealousy reached a high when I started feeling that I wasn’t worthy or something. Luckily I did what you suggested and I’ve worked hard to be friends with the Metas. I make them a cup of hott coffee in the morning. I joke with them and sometimes ask if they can assist me on a project on the farm. Very often walls of doubt and jealousy fall down when I realize that the Metas are good dudes and dudettes.
I love your RUclips content!
Thank you! Trying my best to get on a more consistent schedule with it.
Thanks for the great content!
Thank you, this will help me a lot since I am new to polyamory!
Glad I could help!
I can't wait to see more of your content on RUclips! Have a good weekend!
Im dealing with my jealousy by watching videos about dealing with jealousy.
I love these points you made ❣️
Thank you!! These are amazing tips! Cant wait to see more of your content! 💙
Awesome video! thanks for creating great polyam content.
Glad you like it! 😊
Hey thanks for this video, appreciate it! I am wonder ring if you did the video you mention in tip 2 about telling your partners jealousy calmly and constructively thanks 😊
if you have ever been married...even without kids....it's difficult enough and some would say nearly impossible. it gets worse as you get older because there will always be someone left out and the time lost in scattering when younger cannot be gotten back
currently considering going poly, the social media thing is so true 'cause why do people who practice ENM have to walk on eggshells when talking about it in public while it's pretty easy for toxic mono people to drop a "non mono relationships are for people who don't love each other"
I feel absolutely zero jealousy about a partner talking to another partner; the only thing that bothers me is when a partner isn't honest about there being another partner.
I feel like that breaks a fundamental trust.
My metamore is a really great guy. We have a mutually beneficial relationship. He helps us with rides and handyman stuff, and I give him delicious homemade food
You should do longer videos
In the past when I have met metas in a bad headspace it has gone horribly. I rarely feel compersive enough to meet my partners metas. Also he’s a straight man and he’s had a way easier time meeting cool people and dating. So he always has dates and gfs and I don’t have any so it seems unfair to always meet his partners while he never meets mine, because I don’t have any men that want to commit To me.
I've definitely been there. One very difficult thing about exploring non-monogamy with a partner is seeing firsthand how not everyone develops their relationships at the same speed. Sometimes it's a difference in dating styles. Sometimes it's just dumb luck with your local dating scene.
Your pace is different than your partners. Different doesn't mean worse, and it doesn't mean you're a worse person.
Best of luck!
Thank u this massively helped me
I try to decenter myself and not make my partners my world. I need to try to take care of myself more and worry about others less. I focus on my compersion (joy from witnessing your partner be loved by others), which outweighs my jealousy at this point.
I am super new to the polyamory lifestyle and not sure where I fit into this kind of lifestyle.
Honest question, do I have to meet my partners partners? I’m quite new to this and me and My partner have been “over communicating” but we both agreed we really don’t wanna meet the other persons partners. Is that like a must here? We both agreed that we might feel those feelings so it would be better to just not see them but also don’t pretend like they aren’t real. I understand they are going to be connecting with my partner like nobody else has since we started dating but yeah. Just on my mind. For context we also started exploring this after two years of monogamy
Meeting your metas is not a requirement at all! It depends on both of your comfort levels. If that's not something either of you want then that's 100% valid.
I follow you on insta, and I appreciate you for normalizing non monogamy. Xoxo
Been 6 years in an open relationship.
One day I talkjed to her about getting feelings for someone else and then she admited being for four months in another relationship. I handled it well for a long time.
Now im not doing well at all, I feel like shit and dont know what to do, I feel like my only option is leaving her and I feel like crap because we do have an amazing relationship despite the fact she's dating someone else.. but there are so many thiings that hurt me, including things like feeling he's more attractive, better at what i do as well (music), that he has plans all the time and i dont to do with her, etc
I don't know if you have agreements or boundaries set but for me one was to tell each other if we start seeing someone else (more than just a hook up). for me, finding out 4 months later that my partner has been dating someone else would make me feel out of the loop / lied to / betrayed in some way. I think transparency and communication are essential in non monogamous and poly relationships
Thank you 🙏
Great post! Would you ever post a video with a metamour? Would be great to witness your interaction
That's a good idea! I'll have to see if any metas are game for that. Thanks for the suggestion!
I am struggling. My wife is poly and she recently started going out with someone. I love her so much and want her to be happy. But I’m really struggling. I’m crying constantly. I don’t want to ruin things. I don’t know what to do
You don't need stay in a relationship that's hurting you. If you don't have kids, please consider getting a divorce.
I am very new here. I have always been in monogamous relationships that never worked out (usually cheating by my partner). I met and fell in love with a poly woman that I'm head over heels in love with, she's the love I've always been looking for. We plan to be married soon. I struggled with jealousy, feelings of insecurity, self doubt, etc. I had to research things on my own and really have a hard look at myself. I felt like when I was honest with my feelings it helped. I will be jealous and insecure sometimes but I am in charge of my response, my communication with my primary partner, and reassurance and support from her.
I fell in love with her and who she is and I don't want to change her. Understanding these things made me feel so much better. I believe the primary partner + other(s) is excellent. I have chosen to remain monogamous, for now, because I want to be completely focused on loving her (my choice for me). I may change at some point, who knows. I love her so much and she loves me... I know this and that is a blessing that makes me very happy.
Sorry this was so long. I feel like I unloaded during therapy, lol. Great tips, thanks.
How do you deal with looks? If one just so happens to be Naturally more pretty than the other?
Thanks this has helped me I'm still confused about being polly bc I never imagined myself dating 2 people there also my bsfs and I like one more then the other and am so confused and a bit jealous but don't wanna mess it up bc I like the both of them so thanks bc this has helped
Remember that it's okay for relationships to be different. Not all of our relationships take the same path and there's nothing wrong with that. Also don't be too harsh with yourself when you stumble. Nobody is perfect and we all have low moments. The important thing is that you're improving over time.
Hope this helps!