You also spoke about anxiety and wanting to “safe your stepdaughter”, I believe that her mom should have that conversation with her. I actually had that conversation with he 2-3 times this past week (during our FaceTime chats), and as she listened to what I was saying, she stopped sobbing and I was able to put myself in her shoes and give her advice to the point that she calmed down and understood what I was saying and communicating, and I also allowed her to speak about her opinions, thoughts and I LISTENED. Like I said, communication is key. My ex husband is doing something to my children in a very negative way. Parental alienation, control, using our 4 children as pawns, and not listening to what they’re saying and could care less. With him, it’s NOT about our children who now have nervous ticks, my youngest little girl is about to turn 7, all of the sudden, a few months back, she started wetting her bed. She never struggled with that since she was completely potty trained at 2 years old…… NOW she wets the bed and needs to wear a pull up. My ex neglected to tell me about it, so I had no pull ups and before I bought some, any time she was with me, she was wetting the bed. He told me this when I confronted him, “oops, my bad, I forgot to tell you that this was going on. I talk to my friend and he said that it’s normal and not to be worried or concerned, it will go away soon”, it’s been going on a year now. My poor baby is doing this because of the stress she lives in this horrifying situation, he brushed it off like it was and still is not a bad thing.. I researched a lot about this topic and my other 3 babies now have ticks for at least a couple of years now, you cannot tell me that this isn’t due to stress!!!!! It all happened after divorce and they never had any ticks or problems when we were married and he was nonexistent, I played the role of mommy, daddy, wife and husband. It was torture.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I loved it and love all three of you so much and the help you provide! I don’t know how I would ever survive this without the help and guidance. If this were the pre-internet era, I swear I would’ve thrown in the towel by now...and felt awful and guilty for the rest of my life for my own bad feelings about being a stepparent! I follow both of you on Instagram and suck up as much as info and validation as possible in podcasts, emails, etc...the relief is like receiving oxygen after suffocating! Lol
Your every Sunday Email Letter helped me through some very rough times becoming a step mother. I just wanted to “Thank You” & this Podcast is wonderful🤗🤗🤗 Thank you Ladies #stepmomunite
Boundaries are different for every situation in probably every topic. Boundaries are seen differently from many individuals with opinions. It’s definitely something that should be discussed maturely and it should be thought out, civil and ending with the best possible compromise for everyone involved, especially our children in this particular situation. ***** I wrote this before watching your podcast ***** I’m now interested to see if we agree on some or disagree on other issues. 🙂 Also, now that I’m watching this, another thing to do is : PUT YOURSELF in someone’s else’s shoes. Imagine what the children are feeling and thinking, the biological mother or father is feeling and thinking, what are extending families thinking and feeling, etc.
Another thing is what age or ages were the children when you became the stepmother role? Coming from a divorced family at the age of 2, it was very difficult in both environments depending upon what home I was in, as my mom had my brother and I during the week and my dad had us on the weekends. It was hard on me and my brother, who was 4at the time, and that is definitely history I would NEVER repeat myself even before I had my own 4 children. My experiences made me promise myself to do things so differently than what I went through. Yes, my brother and I were hurt, but it helped me understand the kind of loving and nurturing mommy I will be. 💕💕💕💕💕
Hi thanks for the video I am a new married to a man who has a 15 years old son . I did not live with them yet as I am living abroad but I will be soon and I am terrified if things get difficult during the first few months, how to deal with the stepson and my husband’s ex-wife anger issues? Is there any advice for my situation
4 дня назад
I think it's important to keep expectations realistic! It's unlikely a 15yo is going to want to be friends with their stepparent. But that's okay! Focus on your relationship with your new husband for now and trust that your stepson relationship will grow in time. As for the ex, I have a blog post with some tips that might help: blendedfamilyfrappe.com/blog/stepparent-mental-health-high-conflict
It might be a positive thing for your podcast to have a biological mother to explain her point of view on this heartbreaking situation- it could do so much good for not only stepmothers, but for the biological mother, and more viewers would tune in and listen to what you have to say and then she can communicate what she says and feels. If interested, reach out to me and I’d be more than happy to do that with you ladies, as long as it’s civil and great, productive and positive communication. I’d like to do something like this, however on the biological mother’s point of view. It’s what’s best for our children, and yes, the parents (biological and stepparents) involved to make everyone in this situation have the best outcome possible for all involved.
@@MyLifeInTheDesert everyone is definitely entitled to their own opinion. I’m very open minded and am constantly trying to find answers and solutions. Never do I or will I stop researching and hearing both sides. Whether I agree or don’t agree with the step parent, or the biological parent. I’m sorry you’ve never heard anything from a biological parent’s perspective that you could understand and want to hear more. I wish nothing but the best for our children in these situations, and of course, all of those who are hurting and involved. Happy New Year to all, may 2022 be more positive, loving, and understanding. 💕🙏🏻💕🙏🏻💕🙏🏻💕🙏🏻💕🙏🏻
what do you suggest if your husband doesn't care/respect your boundaries and when the child crosses them as well if feels like a double hit? This situation for me at least creates an unsafe and anxiety provoking environment. Is there a way to hold firm to them without support? I'm also not great with kids or discipline in general. Thanks
4 года назад
Boundaries without clear consequences aren't going to be effective. It's not enough to just say "This is my boundary." You need to say "This is my boundary, and if you choose not to respect that, then XYZ." And then stick to that! We can't control other people's actions but we can control what we're willing to put up with. If you're in an environment that leaves you feeling unsafe and unsupported, I suggest seeking outside professional help. xo
@ what are some good examples of reasonable consequences? When i disengage into my room or decide not to be a part of every single activity with the child I am guilted, a bad guy, and self isolating according to hubby (who expects an instant family). We started with a counselor but I'm realizing she disagrees with disengaging (she has a child who she shares custody with and a stepdad as a husband so it seems she's biased) and is now siding with my husband to the point of me crying and she said "oh you're not the victim here" ...I never said I was a victim but he started getting very defensive and raising his voice when I stood firm in my boundaries. All I want to do is disengage even more from he and ss10 because it means less pain and arguing. I read your disengaging essay and those points are what I told the counselor but she said I am a second mother and must act like one?! Thanks
4 года назад+1
I recommend getting a counselor more familiar with stepfamily dynamics. If your stepchild is treating you disrespectfully and your partner allows it, that's not a healthy or supportive environment for you. If you're really supposed to be a second mother, then why isn't anyone requiring your stepkid to treat you the same way he'd treat a second mother?
You also spoke about anxiety and wanting to “safe your stepdaughter”, I believe that her mom should have that conversation with her. I actually had that conversation with he 2-3 times this past week (during our FaceTime chats), and as she listened to what I was saying, she stopped sobbing and I was able to put myself in her shoes and give her advice to the point that she calmed down and understood what I was saying and communicating, and I also allowed her to speak about her opinions, thoughts and I LISTENED. Like I said, communication is key. My ex husband is doing something to my children in a very negative way. Parental alienation, control, using our 4 children as pawns, and not listening to what they’re saying and could care less. With him, it’s NOT about our children who now have nervous ticks, my youngest little girl is about to turn 7, all of the sudden, a few months back, she started wetting her bed. She never struggled with that since she was completely potty trained at 2 years old…… NOW she wets the bed and needs to wear a pull up. My ex neglected to tell me about it, so I had no pull ups and before I bought some, any time she was with me, she was wetting the bed. He told me this when I confronted him, “oops, my bad, I forgot to tell you that this was going on. I talk to my friend and he said that it’s normal and not to be worried or concerned, it will go away soon”, it’s been going on a year now. My poor baby is doing this because of the stress she lives in this horrifying situation, he brushed it off like it was and still is not a bad thing.. I researched a lot about this topic and my other 3 babies now have ticks for at least a couple of years now, you cannot tell me that this isn’t due to stress!!!!! It all happened after divorce and they never had any ticks or problems when we were married and he was nonexistent, I played the role of mommy, daddy, wife and husband. It was torture.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I loved it and love all three of you so much and the help you provide! I don’t know how I would ever survive this without the help and guidance. If this were the pre-internet era, I swear I would’ve thrown in the towel by now...and felt awful and guilty for the rest of my life for my own bad feelings about being a stepparent! I follow both of you on Instagram and suck up as much as info and validation as possible in podcasts, emails, etc...the relief is like receiving oxygen after suffocating! Lol
So glad we could help! 💛💛
Your every Sunday Email Letter helped me through some very rough times becoming a step mother. I just wanted to “Thank You” & this Podcast is wonderful🤗🤗🤗
Thank you Ladies #stepmomunite
Aw thank you 💛💛😘
Boundaries are different for every situation in probably every topic. Boundaries are seen differently from many individuals with opinions. It’s definitely something that should be discussed maturely and it should be thought out, civil and ending with the best possible compromise for everyone involved, especially our children in this particular situation.
***** I wrote this before watching your podcast ***** I’m now interested to see if we agree on some or disagree on other issues. 🙂
Also, now that I’m watching this, another thing to do is : PUT YOURSELF in someone’s else’s shoes. Imagine what the children are feeling and thinking, the biological mother or father is feeling and thinking, what are extending families thinking and feeling, etc.
Another thing is what age or ages were the children when you became the stepmother role? Coming from a divorced family at the age of 2, it was very difficult in both environments depending upon what home I was in, as my mom had my brother and I during the week and my dad had us on the weekends. It was hard on me and my brother, who was 4at the time, and that is definitely history I would NEVER repeat myself even before I had my own 4 children. My experiences made me promise myself to do things so differently than what I went through. Yes, my brother and I were hurt, but it helped me understand the kind of loving and nurturing mommy I will be. 💕💕💕💕💕
Hi thanks for the video
I am a new married to a man who has a 15 years old son . I did not live with them yet as I am living abroad but I will be soon and I am terrified if things get difficult during the first few months, how to deal with the stepson and my husband’s ex-wife anger issues?
Is there any advice for my situation
I think it's important to keep expectations realistic! It's unlikely a 15yo is going to want to be friends with their stepparent. But that's okay! Focus on your relationship with your new husband for now and trust that your stepson relationship will grow in time. As for the ex, I have a blog post with some tips that might help: blendedfamilyfrappe.com/blog/stepparent-mental-health-high-conflict
Good stuff ladies!!!!
Thanks Paula! xo
Xxx
It might be a positive thing for your podcast to have a biological mother to explain her point of view on this heartbreaking situation- it could do so much good for not only stepmothers, but for the biological mother, and more viewers would tune in and listen to what you have to say and then she can communicate what she says and feels. If interested, reach out to me and I’d be more than happy to do that with you ladies, as long as it’s civil and great, productive and positive communication. I’d like to do something like this, however on the biological mother’s point of view. It’s what’s best for our children, and yes, the parents (biological and stepparents) involved to make everyone in this situation have the best outcome possible for all involved.
I for one don’t want to hear from a biological mother. All I constantly hear about is the bio mom’s perspective. Over it.
@@MyLifeInTheDesert everyone is definitely entitled to their own opinion. I’m very open minded and am constantly trying to find answers and solutions. Never do I or will I stop researching and hearing both sides. Whether I agree or don’t agree with the step parent, or the biological parent. I’m sorry you’ve never heard anything from a biological parent’s perspective that you could understand and want to hear more. I wish nothing but the best for our children in these situations, and of course, all of those who are hurting and involved. Happy New Year to all, may 2022 be more positive, loving, and understanding. 💕🙏🏻💕🙏🏻💕🙏🏻💕🙏🏻💕🙏🏻
what do you suggest if your husband doesn't care/respect your boundaries and when the child crosses them as well if feels like a double hit? This situation for me at least creates an unsafe and anxiety provoking environment. Is there a way to hold firm to them without support? I'm also not great with kids or discipline in general. Thanks
Boundaries without clear consequences aren't going to be effective. It's not enough to just say "This is my boundary." You need to say "This is my boundary, and if you choose not to respect that, then XYZ." And then stick to that! We can't control other people's actions but we can control what we're willing to put up with. If you're in an environment that leaves you feeling unsafe and unsupported, I suggest seeking outside professional help. xo
@ what are some good examples of reasonable consequences? When i disengage into my room or decide not to be a part of every single activity with the child I am guilted, a bad guy, and self isolating according to hubby (who expects an instant family). We started with a counselor but I'm realizing she disagrees with disengaging (she has a child who she shares custody with and a stepdad as a husband so it seems she's biased) and is now siding with my husband to the point of me crying and she said "oh you're not the victim here" ...I never said I was a victim but he started getting very defensive and raising his voice when I stood firm in my boundaries. All I want to do is disengage even more from he and ss10 because it means less pain and arguing. I read your disengaging essay and those points are what I told the counselor but she said I am a second mother and must act like one?! Thanks
I recommend getting a counselor more familiar with stepfamily dynamics. If your stepchild is treating you disrespectfully and your partner allows it, that's not a healthy or supportive environment for you. If you're really supposed to be a second mother, then why isn't anyone requiring your stepkid to treat you the same way he'd treat a second mother?
Ladies, COMMUNICATION is KEY. It’s very very important and a must. Xo