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Don't live with your children! In old age, getting too close to your children will be a disaster
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- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
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In this heartfelt video, we delve into the touching story of Auntie Zhang, a 62-year-old mother facing the dilemma of whether to live with her children after retirement. Her journey reflects the complexities and challenges of intergenerational living arrangements.
Initially moving in with her son's family out of a sense of duty and longing for companionship, Auntie Zhang soon finds herself overwhelmed with household chores and childcare responsibilities. Despite her sacrifices, she realizes that her own dreams and desires are being sidelined.
Through Auntie Zhang's narrative, we explore the delicate balance between filial piety and individual autonomy, shedding light on the broader societal discussions surrounding elderly care and family dynamics.
Join us as we reflect on the importance of understanding, compassion, and the pursuit of personal fulfillment in familial relationships.
Don't miss this poignant exploration of family ties and the quest for independence in later life. Watch now and share your thoughts in the comments below.
We are the parents of an only child. Six years ago, we invited my daughter and son-in-law to own our house (farm) free and clear. In exchange, we would live on the property, just 15 ft. from the main house in a small barn we renovated into a home for us. Having cared for our parents in old age, we thought it would be easier for our daughter if we were right here with her. It's worked out so well. We are in our seventies and still in relatively good health. We care for the lawn, flowers and vegetable garden. They handle the firewood and loading the stove all winter. They buy the food and three days a week I cook for everyone. They have since had a child, my granddaughter and our world has changed again. We could not be happier with this arrangement and I can speak for my daughter and son-in-law that they are happy with it too.
Having a daughter makes all the difference.
Don't believe everything you see. After my mom died, my father was living alone and was not doing well. I would rather have him live with us than be in a home,. He is much better now, enjoys the garden i plant for him and cats to keep routine. Please follow your heart❤
Not all children care,bow to you.Bless you
You are a very good daughter , thank you for sharing your beautiful family story ❤
@@mailywong9612Taking care of parents and grandparents is moral responsibility in our Tamil society. My aged parents live with my family and they are happy.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's heartwarming to hear how much better your father is doing living with you and enjoying the garden and routine you've created for him. Every family situation is unique, and it's important to follow what feels right for your loved ones. Wishing you and your family continued happiness and well-being. ❤️
Everything depends on what you are-- there are many who live with children and are happy
I was blessed to have my Mother live with my husband and I for 6 years. She had a really tough life and I was happy to have her here. Thank you GOD
God bless you. His word says he does for those who honour their mother and father.
That's truly heartwarming to hear. It's a blessing to be able to provide care and companionship to our loved ones, especially after all they've done for us. Cherishing those moments and expressing gratitude is so important. May your memories of those six years bring you continued warmth and comfort. 🙏
BLESS YOUR HEART AND SOUL✨🥀🥀🥀
❤❤🎉
I am 55 and fed up of mines. It's time for them to go and start there own life. I want to spend my old age by my self.
It's completely understandable to want some space and independence, especially as you approach your older years. Taking time for yourself and focusing on your own well-being is important. It's never too late to prioritize your own happiness and pursue the life you want. Wishing you all the best as you embark on this new chapter!
Me too. I have my own condo and because things are in such a mess in the country right now I had a grandson and his two boys come to live with me. The boys are great but he is real nasty and sarcastic at times and large other times, They don't clean so I just clean upstairs where I live and I don't go downstairs. Whatever my little crock pot has in it. I have given my kids a lot of money in my day and I don't see anybody.
@@BuddhaZenWishdomyou are so right
Oh no. Are we old?!!! I’ll be 56 soon!
My daughter stopped speaking to me when i finally said no to letting my grandchild live with me once she graduated from college. Haven’t seen them in 3 years. I can assure you only a babysitter not loved at all.
My daughter won’t talk to me either. I’m 77. It’s been 4 years. What if I die.
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially when it leads to strained relationships. It's important to prioritize your own well-being, even if it means making tough decisions. I hope that, with time, you and your daughter can find a way to reconnect and understand each other better. Thank you for sharing your story.
@@jilllawton8556 leave your body to science, at least that's what I'm considering.
Your own fault. You see, if you bonded with your GC, you might have a special bond
@@BuddhaZenWishdomo
Absolutely true!! At 70 I am too tired for all the chaos that goes with baby sittin g for more than a few hours!! I I need peace and quiet in my own home!! Somthing my daughter doesn't understand!! I am sorry to say but I never took advantage of my elderly parents!! However I blame myself. I must say No!!!
It's understandable that you crave peace and quiet in your own home, especially at 70 years old. Setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being is crucial, even if it means saying no to certain requests from family members. It's never easy to navigate these situations, but advocating for your own needs is essential for your happiness and health. Remember, it's not selfish to prioritize self-care and personal space. Your experiences and feelings are valid, and it's okay to assert yourself. Stay strong!
I sacrificed everything for my mom n was with her till 91,we were madly in love with each other n i enjoyed every minute. I beg God to send her back.
It's beautiful to hear about the deep bond you shared with your mom. Cherishing those precious moments together is a testament to the love between a parent and child. Losing someone so dear is incredibly difficult, and I hope you find comfort in the memories you shared. Wishing you strength during this challenging time.
As long as I am mobile I prefer to live alone❤
Me too. And much as my family and I love each other, if I needed nursing care, I would rather rather have trained professional medical personnel caring for me either as home health aides or if necessary, in a nursing home.
I don't want untrained family members trying to play amateur "nurse" with me in their house.
As long as I’m mobile…I prefer to keep my distance
Same here
That's a valid perspective! Maintaining independence and personal space can be important for overall well-being, especially as we age. It's essential for families to respect each other's boundaries and preferences. Auntie Zhang's story highlights the importance of finding a balance that allows individuals to thrive while still nurturing family connections. Thank you for sharing your insight!
Same here too, ❤️many of friends children treated their parents as an unpaid maids, it’s sad and angry
Yesssssssss
Hmm I understand but it's not normal to be alone in a home ...
Im 73 my 36 yr old only child just moved out
I did everything her laundry, cooking cleaning and she is very critical of me.when she left i had peace and less work love living on my own. Shes having a baby and expects her mothet in law and me to take turns babysitting when she goes back to work after maternity leave cause daycare too expensive. Dont think Im up to it .
I gave each of my four children, one day a week of babysitting. I chose the day that worked for me. This meant that I sometimes had three or four children to look after at one time...but it was only one day a week. As they grew and went to school, the numbers decreased. I enjoyed that one day, even though it exhausted me, but I did get to be part of my grandkids growing up years. I told me children I would not do more than one day a week, because I wanted to be Grandma, not the babysitter.
It's clear that you've worked hard to support your daughter, but it's also important to set boundaries to protect your own well-being. If you're not up to the demands of babysitting, it's perfectly okay to express that. Your health and peace of mind should come first. Open and honest communication with your daughter about your capabilities and limitations can help find a solution that works for everyone. Wishing you the best in navigating this situation.
4:32 Love yourself and say , NO ❤
Very Big NO
I am 76 and I love doing everything for my children and grandchildren. I want nothing from them and they can have everything I can give ... their love is priceless.
I am the same like you , I love to give and serve my children and my grandchildren. To me, it’s such a privilege to do so ….every time when I am with them , my heart melt in pieces , I love them so much
Most elderly people I have met actively co-operate with the younger generations as long as they are able to do so. We're planning on doing the same too. It sucks to be useless dead weight. Service =/= servitude.
Your selflessness and love for your children and grandchildren shine through your words. It's beautiful to hear how you find joy in giving and cherish the love you receive from them. Your family is undoubtedly blessed to have you, and your love is indeed priceless. Thank you for sharing your heartwarming perspective!
Exactly!
Man, oh man, ain't nothing like your independence! AWW, thank ya, Lord 🙏
You got that right!
Thank you, mothers have done their job.and have to do it all over for our children is not fair. that's their job.
It's a complex topic, indeed. While parents naturally want to support their children, it's also crucial for everyone to find a balance that respects individual needs and aspirations. Auntie Zhang's journey highlights the importance of mutual understanding and respect within families. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
In this generation, adult kids are All about themselves & their wants. Parents are a burden to them! Sooner or later recentment sets in. Sad but True!
It's disheartening to see relationships strained by conflicting priorities and expectations. While some adult children may struggle to balance their own lives with caring for aging parents, it's important to foster open communication and mutual understanding. Building strong family bonds requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to prioritize each other's well-being.
And aged parents are become all about themselves too. It's ok to be physically active if u r living in family. That's what family is about. But if ur problem is just about having a daughter in law, then don't get daughters too in this world and get urself to age and die in a forest among animals, not humans.
There are some who never left home. I'm a straight guy, who never wanted to have kids, but I did the cooking and laundry, as well as keeping up with the house and car maintenance. Mom asked very little of me, as I just ended up doing the job. We lived for each other, literally to her dying day. Now I'm alone, and nobody within 500 miles would care if I live or die, or even know.
Yes it is very lonely on your own my husband of 63 years died 3years ago & no one knows how much you miss them when you are left on your own
It sounds like you had a deeply meaningful connection with your mother, built on mutual care and support. Losing such a close relationship can leave a profound void. While it may feel like you're alone now, remember that there are always people who care about you, even if they're not physically nearby. Finding ways to connect with others and building new relationships can help fill that void and bring meaning to your life.
@@BuddhaZenWishdom Thanks. It's a lot different being a loner by nature, than actually being alone, having nobody nearby to care about or to care about you.
There is someone who cares for you deeply and does care if you live or die and for your welfare. Guess who?
@@infodaynightconv1445God
My husband and I were asked to move in with our daughter son-in-law and 2 grandchildren. Worst mistake of our lives we hate it. Son in law says it is his house and we have to live by that and my daughter hardly talks to us. The grandaughter thinks that she is entitled and is so rude to us. They forget that we had them live with us for 3 years while they built their house and we never asked them for a cent. They forget so easily and unfortunately we have to live with it
I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It's heartbreaking when family dynamics turn sour, especially after all the support you've provided over the years. It's essential for everyone in the household to respect each other's boundaries and contribute positively to the living situation. Have you tried having a heartfelt conversation with your daughter and son-in-law about your feelings and concerns? Open communication might help address any misunderstandings and find a solution that works for everyone. Remember, your well-being and happiness are important, and you deserve to feel valued and respected in your own home. Stay strong.
@@BuddhaZenWishdom
Oftentimes, talking to them doesn't work.
I think this couple needs to move back into their own place and have _trained_ professional home health aides looking after them, not untrained family members.
@@BuddhaZenWishdom They're not in their "own home." That's the problem.
U r keeping an account of how many years u sheltered them. So you r not different from them. In reality, mother is an epitome of love but ur reason is like a business transaction
I am retired and have a young adult child that lives with me. I love it. My house, my rules.
That's fantastic to hear that you're enjoying your retirement and the dynamic with your young adult child! Every family is unique, and what works for one might not work for another. It's wonderful that you've found a balance that suits you both. Ultimately, mutual respect and understanding are key to maintaining harmony in any living arrangement. Thank you for sharing your positive experience!
Me and my husband all so same but we love it he look after us too
Same with me. He helps me when I have need of help but he has his own life otherwise
There has to be flexibility and adaptability though as long as the young adult is not doing anything illegal etc.
So true.....live on your own.
Totally agree,keep your independence, thank God every day for good health and a sound mind,to many more good and HAPPY years,sending hugs to all❤😊
Thank you for sharing such a positive and uplifting message! Maintaining independence and cherishing good health and a sound mind are indeed blessings to be grateful for every day. Here's to many more happy and fulfilling years ahead for you and everyone watching. Sending hugs right back at you! ❤️😊
@@BuddhaZenWishdom Thank you for reminding me ,a beautiful day for you❤
I'm retired in Danbury, CT. Im on a fixed income. My sister, in RIdgefield, CT, passed away from Lewy Body Dementia. My daughter never married, and lives in LA. I would never live with her. I'm on long waiting lists, for senior housing. My older sister lives in Austin, TX, and works for the government. My brother lives in Wash State. My ex husbsnd died of a heart attack, in Astoria, Queens. My elderly mother died in NYC. A male friend of mine died in Cali. I'm basically alone.These things happen , as we age
I told my 2 children they not going to control me and tell me what to do. Its been 13 yrs later they still dont speak to me I'm not allowed to see my grand children. The day when i said no more they didn't want to know me anymore.
Heartbreaking, but that's my experience too .
Me to worried ,this ll happen to me also if i dnt take care of grandchildren. Stressfull life in old age
That sounds incredibly difficult. It's painful when setting boundaries leads to estrangement, especially with your own children. It's important to stand up for your own independence and well-being, even though it can have tough consequences. I hope that with time, there might be a path to reconciliation and understanding. Thank you for sharing your story and your strength.
Don’t suffer too much and focus on yourself. I know it’s easier said than done but the adult children are living their life and neglecting you. They will remember when they grow old.
When children are still young,they’re respectful and obedient to their parents,but when parents grow old,they’re the one whose obedient to their children,new generation nowadays…so sad😢😢
True, so sad really.
It's disheartening to see such shifts in dynamics as parents age. Mutual respect and care should ideally continue between generations, regardless of age. While societal changes may influence these dynamics, fostering open communication and understanding can help bridge any gaps. It's important to cherish and uphold the values of respect and reciprocity within families, nurturing relationships that support and uplift each other through all stages of life.
Children become strangers,see them when coming around for freebies, or babysitting. You'll be shocked beyond anything. Arrogance, lack of compassion, and consideration .Wait,and see.Choosing partners, you can't even accept how hard you try.Then,abandoned and shocked, you're no longer part of their lifes.Hoping one day, it changes ,getting used to cherish memories of their childhood....gone forever
Happen to me also both my kids not talking to me for 13yrs someday it's unbearable not seeing talking to my own kids. They wanted to control me. End of story they made sure I lost my house my car everything I had. All I have is bitter sweet memories of my so called brats
Your words resonate deeply with the challenges many parents face as they age. It's a painful reality for some to feel estranged from their children or to witness a lack of compassion and consideration. Cherishing memories of their childhood can indeed bring solace amid the difficulties. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
@BuddhaZenWishdom Unfortunate reality that leaves one with mixed feelings which required a lot of inner strength.
I totally agree with this video. I am 70 years old. Last year my daughter her husband and 3 children under the age of 4 lived with me for a whole year. It was a disaster. I was expeced t be the maid No thank you from my daughter!! She now doesn't live with me anymore but I am expeced to baby sit and make the meals at the weekend!! What makes it worse is when I tell my husband that it is too much for me - he tells me to stop complaining😂🙎♀️🙎♀️🙎♀️🙎♀️
I understand what You're saying but there is also another way of looking at it too, please let Me explain what I mean by that, a very good friend of mine, who just recently passed away because of Cancer, She was only 69 years old, had a bit of a falling out with her youngest Daughter quite a few years ago, They were both set in their ways & just as stubborn as each other & neither one of them would budge an inch, She never saw Her Daughter again from that time until She died, I had just wished that they could've both come to some kind of compromise & it's sad because, not only did She not see her Daughter again, but She also missed out on seeing her Grand children growing up as well, so they never really got to know their GrandMother either, I'm about to turn 74 in September this year, I was born in Scotland but have lived in Australia since I was just 1 year old so along with My Brother & 2 Sisters, Who were all born here, We don't really know what it's like to have Grandparents, that's something that We all missed out on, I'm the only one of us that has actually met them but I was too young to really remember them because We emigirated from Scotland when I was just 9 months old after the 2nd World War, My Father was Scottish & My Mother was English, they both passed away in 2015, at the ages of 91 & a half & 89 & a half, I often used to see My Mother & Father with their Grandkids & Great Grandkids & I always wondered what that was like, I never got Married or had any Kids of My own so I'll never know what it is like to have Grandkids either, but I do have quite a few Nieces, & Nephews & Great Nieces & Great Nephews though, but We don't live in the same Town so it's the same thing, I miss out on seeing them growing up, & whenever We do happen to meet, at different Family events & so on, even though We all know that We're related, it's more like meeting Strangers than someone that We're actually related to instead, are You really sure that, that is what You really want? perhaps maybe Your Husband is right & can see the bigger picture, even so Perhaps He could chip in & help you with Them, after all, they're his Grandkids too aren't they? why not sit down with Your Daughter & tell Her how the situation is from Your point of view & tell her that at Your age You just want to relax a bit more & try to work out a compromise of some kind, just let her know that She'll be Your age some day & will probably want the same thing too, just a thought, what do You think? I hope You can both work it out between Yourselves, You could even show Her this comment of Mine if You think that it will help, I don't really mind if You do, I'm keeping My fingers crossed for You anyway, because I know, from experience, missing out on all these things isn't very pleasant at all, You're always wondering how they are getting on & how their lives are really going.
Tell your husband to make the dinners. Or you can alternate with your daughter taking turns. Maybe just get together every other weekend so you can have one free.
I'm so sorry to hear about your challenging experience. It sounds incredibly tough to feel taken advantage of in your own home. It's important for your daughter and husband to understand and respect your boundaries and needs. Your well-being should always come first. Have you tried having a candid conversation with them about how you're feeling? Your feelings and concerns are valid, and it's essential for your family to acknowledge and address them. Sending you strength and support!
@@cathyann6835she wants more frees she did her work of bringing her children up..this work should be leisure not daily work..she is retired
I can't even imagine living with my children and their families! The lack of privacy alone would drive me crazy! My husband and I are thinking about downsizing because we keep getting grandkids who keep showing up when they want a restart!
It sounds like you value your privacy and independence, which are important aspects of maintaining a happy and fulfilling life. Downsizing could be a great option to create a space that meets your needs while still allowing for visits from your grandkids. Finding a balance between family connections and personal space is key. It's wonderful that you're considering your options thoughtfully. Wishing you all the best in your decision-making process!
@@BuddhaZenWishdom Thank you!
It varies. We were a four generation family living in the same property until my mother died at age 102. Now my son, little grandson, husband and I live here. We help care for the little one while our son,a widower, works and he helps us in assorted ways when off work. It works well and we are all happy with the situation. But we know we would struggle to maintain the same comfortable situation with our other two adult children and they feel the same. We four enjoy a quiet life,they and their partners enjoy constant entertainment, parties, eating out and vacations. It is silly to assume that all parent/adult child relationships are doomed if you live together. It depends on personality and willingness to be considerate. Nobody should do it if one party is needy or is to be treated as unreciprocatedfree line-up help.
Thank you for sharing your unique and positive experience of multigenerational living! It's wonderful to hear how well it works for your family and how everyone contributes in their own way. You've highlighted an essential point that successful intergenerational living depends on mutual respect, consideration, and understanding of each other's personalities and preferences. It's inspiring to see how your family has found harmony in your living arrangement. Wishing you continued happiness and fulfillment together!
Absolutely true. It doesn’t work for all but definitely a plus for some depending on the family dynamics
Good points, just as it is silly to buy into the myth that "all" nursing homes are "bad" and the myth that all nursing facility residents have "uncaring" family members.
Very difficult decision when all your future financial planning flies out the window due to unforseen circumstances. I wish that i could survive on my own.
Navigating unexpected financial challenges can indeed make decisions about living arrangements incredibly difficult. It's important to explore all available options and seek support where possible. Remember, you're not alone, and there may be resources and assistance available to help you through tough times. Stay strong, and keep exploring solutions that prioritize your well-being and independence.
To each his or her own. I get along with my sons better than most people my age. My youngest son and I love to do a lot of the same things. I share a place with my sons but we are all free to do what we want. We take turns cooking. I do the majority of the housework, vac, dishes, and clean bathroom, not their personal chores, but I am not working and I pay less for bills than they do. If I am ill or have surgery etc. they take over everything until I say I am okay and to stop and let me do more. I have MS so I am on disability. They do not drink, or do drugs. I love going on vacation, swimming, walking, hiking, kayaking with them. If I thought I was in there way I would move to my own place. They moved in with me, after being overseas for yrs. in the military. Every circumstance is different and changes over time. For me it feels more like we are roommates or friends. If any of us wanted to move out, it's just understood that we would give each other enough notice to make plans. My youngest is like a physical trainer and my best bud. He motives me to do more, tells me when I am overdoing and going to wind up not okay. If or when the time comes for changes, I need care or whatever I will go live where I can get more help. I wish I had grands to spend time with. No I could not handle all day all the time and they would not do that to me. I do enjoy grandnieces, nephews, friends children, I make sure if I am going to a park one of my sons or someone able to chase better than I am is with me. If the child or children are under say 4 yrs. of age. I am the only parent they have. Most of their lives was alone with me. Though as young adults they spent a lot of yrs. away in other countries. It really depends on the relationship you have with them. They needed help, later became me that needed help for a while. We all have boundaries and respect each other's personal space but when we spend time together it's quality. I go out to dinner and movies with them and their friends. I seem to have more in common with them than the people my age in this area. Most of the people I grew up with never stopped drinking and drugging and I don't trust them or feel comfortable with them. I can understand others views though. If they thought I was just their free babysitter I would say no.
It sounds like you've found a wonderful balance and companionship with your sons. Your arrangement reflects mutual respect, understanding, and genuine care for each other's well-being. It's heartwarming to hear how you support each other and enjoy spending time together, creating meaningful memories. Everyone's situation is unique, and what matters most is finding what works best for you and your loved ones. Thank you for sharing your story!
Hi my husband passed on 5 years I am happy to live alone
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's passing, but I'm glad to hear that you've found happiness living alone. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and do what brings you joy. Everyone's journey is unique, and it's wonderful that you've found peace in your solitude. Wishing you continued happiness and fulfillment on your journey ahead.
I know someone whose son sends plane tickets every year, so she can stay with them for 6 months or so. She has a servant and a cook back home, but she is in charge of running the household at her son’s house, taking care of the two children. She doesn’t work around her house, but she does everything from morning to night in USA. I feel sorry for her, but she doesn’t see it my way. She has a bragging right to say, ‘My son invites me to stay with them every year, and pays for my airfare.’ She is 72.
Some mothers are happy doing every for their married children.
I am 75, and live alone.
It's heartbreaking to hear about such a situation. While it's wonderful that her son wants her to visit and covers the expenses, it's essential for families to consider their elderly loved ones' comfort and well-being. It sounds like she's sacrificing her own needs and routines to fulfill her son's expectations. Maybe a conversation about her preferences and boundaries could help bridge the gap. Ultimately, every individual deserves to feel valued and respected in their family relationships, regardless of age. Thank you for sharing this story.
I am 89 and live alone. Daughters have invited me to live with them, but I love living by myself in my own home.
I can almost guess the country you mean that is, the country of origin of the lady. You are spot on when you say she doesn't see it your way. That is because of a lifetime of brainwashing that one should be there for one's grandkids. I see where you are coming from.
Most elderly parents will not be kept home with their adult children’s family if they have health issues. They’ll be in nursing homes or assisted living facilities. They are only living with their adult children to fulfill some responsibilities in their families.
You make a valid point. While some elderly parents may choose to live with their adult children for various reasons, including fulfilling family responsibilities, others may require specialized care due to health issues. Nursing homes or assisted living facilities can provide the necessary support and medical attention in such cases. Ultimately, the decision depends on individual circumstances and needs. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
I think if the arrangement is beneficial to both parties, it can work very well. Boundaries must be respected and followed. Neither party or parties should be taken advantage of. I was divorced with a small child and lived with my grandparents until they both passed. If I had not lived with them, they wouldn’t have been able to stay in their own home until they died. I was in nursing school at the time, and not having the housing expense was very beneficial to me. I cleaned, did laundry, and anything and everything I could do to take care of the household. We loved each other very much and were able to spend together till the end.
You can live with your kids but both you and them should be completely independent of each other
Maintaining independence while living with your children is essential for a harmonious household. It allows everyone to respect each other's boundaries and live more comfortably. Thank you for emphasizing this important aspect of intergenerational living.
Always need to think twice when making life decisions.😮
Trust me, you need to think more than twice.
Absolutely! Life decisions are significant and can shape our future. It's essential to weigh all options carefully and consider how they align with our values and aspirations. Auntie Zhang's story reminds us of the importance of thoughtful consideration before making big choices. Thanks for sharing your insight!
Agree with you host. I'm living with my married son but I'm planning to move and live on my own.
It's great that you're considering your own needs and preferences for your living situation. Moving to live on your own can offer independence and autonomy, allowing you to create a space that suits your lifestyle and comfort. Wishing you all the best with your plans!
So true. Me and my husband are experiencing that scenario but it’s financially. We’re 74 and still helping my two daughters. I guessed they’re lucky because we’re generous enough to help them. When we get really really old we want to stay in care home or find a care giver, be with ourselves until we die.
Don’t expect gratitude, and make your final wishes clear to avoid sibling conflict.
It sounds like you've been incredibly supportive parents to your daughters, even into your later years. It's important for parents to prioritize their own well-being and happiness, especially as they age. Planning for care options like a care home or caregiver is a wise decision to ensure you receive the support and assistance you need while maintaining your independence. Your selflessness and generosity are commendable, and you deserve peace and comfort in your golden years. Wishing you all the best in your future plans.
As a general rule I think it is not wise to live with children in your old age.
Let the children fend for themselves, be it labour, financial, or ideas on anything. Otherwise they will not treasure the parents existence. Have a strong heart to leave them on themselves
I live in my own apartment my son lives on his own I do my own cooking clean my place but if I need anything when I’m sick he gets it for me and vica versa
That sounds like a great balance of independence and support between you and your son. It's wonderful that you both have your own spaces but are there for each other when needed. Having that mutual assistance can provide peace of mind and a sense of security as you navigate life's ups and downs. Keep cherishing that bond!
I don't like living with my adult children because they loose respect for you after living with them for awhile.
Brilliant I am about to live on my own; children take too much for granted and they don't value your efforts ❤
You can do it!
We are doing that in the Philippines and we are a happy people. We are big in family and it's in our culture.
In the Philippines you have maids, driver and yaya for the kids, etc. Here, the grandparents are expected to help out by cooking, laundry, free babysitting, driving grandchildren to school and activities, etc. I am a Filipino and know the culture there. It’s a different lifestyle in America.
It's wonderful to hear about the strong emphasis on family and the happiness it brings in the Philippines. Family bonds and cultural traditions play such an important role in shaping our lives and communities. Wishing you and your family continued happiness and togetherness. 🇵🇭
That's right. Family can be a blessing but not in the west - totally different culture.
Family? The further the better.
Sometimes
You really embody your philosophy with all your thoughtful responses to the elderly now living in difficult circumstances with family. I admire your allowing a place for people to air their sorrows and to let off some steam. Family is family but people are people! Unfortunately, it is human nature to survive and use others, not realizing they are ruining the quality of someone else’s life. And an elderly persons life at that! But entitlement and selfishness is insidious, creeps in and takes hold if not checked and cut back. Thank you for your service to people.
Thank you so much for your kind words. It's important to create a space where people can share their experiences and find support. Family dynamics can be complex, and it's crucial to acknowledge and address the challenges faced by elderly individuals living with family. Your insight into the human nature of entitlement and selfishness is spot on. By raising awareness and promoting open dialogue, we can work towards more respectful and caring relationships. Thank you for your thoughtful comment and for being a part of this conversation.
I just love my independence.
The burden of a mother in law on her son is very difficult
The burden of a MIL on a wife can be very difficult
If you can be independent do it. You can support one another, but still have your separate lives.
I prefer living alone but I see my kids a lot and grandkids
That sounds like a nice balance. You get to enjoy your independence while still maintaining close relationships with your children and grandchildren. It's important to find a living situation that suits your preferences and allows you to stay connected with your loved ones.
I agree - so sad that families don't consider the needs of the elderly. Children need to grow up; take responsibility for their life. And......some children take advantage of their parent(s) financially.....
It's disheartening when families overlook the needs of their elderly members. Taking responsibility for one's life and respecting the needs of parents are important aspects of family dynamics. Unfortunately, financial exploitation of elderly parents by some children is a reality, and it's essential to address and prevent such abuses. Open communication and mutual respect within families can help ensure that everyone's needs are considered and respected. Thank you for highlighting this important issue.
My mother and i lived together for years until my older sister decided to freeload . My mom seemed to embrace it with no problem.So I married and moved on .My older sister started treating mom like she was living with her instead of the other way around. it got very abusive mom dying a broken person. So convinced if it cannot be done well adult children and parents need to live their separate lives.
I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you and your mother faced during that time. It's heartbreaking when family dynamics become strained, especially when it leads to such difficult outcomes. It's understandable that you advocate for separate lives when living together becomes unsustainable. Taking care of one's well-being is crucial, even in family relationships.
@@BuddhaZenWishdomABSOLUTELY
I learned the hard way
It depends on how you raised your children.We can't make generalizations.Living with them sometimes works and vice versa.I think what is necessary is that parents have the financial capability to live on their own without the help of anyone .You can have a lot of choices if you have money to spend.
That 's real talk.
Good advice,not only parents are treated badly and any problem in our children house old people go to distressed condition because of negligence
Absolutely, it's heartbreaking to see elderly individuals facing distress due to neglect or mistreatment in their children's homes. It's crucial for families to prioritize the well-being and dignity of their older relatives, ensuring they receive the care and respect they deserve. Auntie Zhang's story serves as a reminder of the importance of empathy, compassion, and responsibility towards our elderly loved ones. Thank you for highlighting this important issue
In my observations of various cultures, I think multi-generational cohabitation can work out to the benefit of the entire family unit if the child has matured emotionally into an adult, and doesn't fall back into the trap of the immature, irresponsible child relationship. They must take responsibility for themselves, upkeep, chores, be self motivated, and not wait to be told to do ordinary daily chores. In other words, pull their own weight. The parent-child relationship is over. All must respect each other as autonomous adults. It really depends on the personalities, finances, social constructs, having the privacy to maintain personal autonomy, have separate friends and schedules. Parents and adult children need their own private personal space as their established sanctuary. An area of the shared home can be designated as the public gathering spot for daily/weekly meals or evening social time intermingling. Finances also need to be clear, and as independent, fair, and separate as possible. A written legal contract such as a property lease/rental would work well to reinforce the autonomy of all parties. A home with split en suite bedrooms on separate sides of the home works great for the privacy of all.
When the time comes I prefer to go in a home for the elderly people
It's important to make choices that prioritize your comfort and well-being. If moving to a home for the elderly feels like the best option for you, it's a valid and respectable decision. Planning ahead and knowing your preferences will help ensure you have the support and care you need in the future. Wishing you peace and happiness in your chosen path.
Planning to go to a senior living when the time comes.
So the son took his mother in under the guise of taking care of her and then abused her like an indentured servant. And the DIL says MIL was “neglecting her duties” because she wanted to visit a friend? Crazy. Glad she left. Now they’ll have to pay for help. Too bad they didn’t treat her better.
Generalisations are usually wrong.
Best comment.
I have read most of the comments here. Am in middle age. My parents too wanted to be independent and free from our disturbance. Till Couple of years back along with my family I lived near by my parents. I was contended that by living closer am there to help my parents when they are sick or for any emergency. But my mom felt nuisance as she has to do baby sitting my daughter. My dad luvd baby sitting my gal and she was his companion. My mom was telling after we left them she is free and happy. But recently when they both were sick mom told me that dad is missing my daughter a lot. Now my dad recently passed away. It was sudden demise in his sleep. Am extremely guilty that I was not there to rush him too hospital. Am missing my dad a lot. Am very close and attached to my parents. My heart cries out in pain for my dad😭. My suggestion is if senior citizens have caring children better to speak out your troubles to them openly. So that amicable solution can be found and children will also be there to support you as definitely during aging the help is required. It is so hard to miss our parents 😭
I'm deeply sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a strong bond with your dad, and it's understandable to feel guilty about not being there during his final moments. Losing a parent is incredibly difficult, especially when there are regrets about missed opportunities to be with them. Your suggestion about open communication between parents and children is incredibly important. It allows for understanding and support on both sides. Remember to be gentle with yourself during this grieving process. Your love for your dad shines through your words. Take care.
My in laws lived with us for 25 years,it was wonderful when the kids were young. When my father in law passed away, my mother in law became nasty torwards me,even though i treated her like a queen. She fell and broke her hip and ended up in hospital. At age 90 i told me husband she couldnt come back as i didnt get respect from her. She is in a nursing home now and calls me often crying saying she misses home terribly,the meals,the company. I refuse to take her back. She is 90 now and some lessons are learned late in life. Never disrespect someone who cares for you,yoy never know what the future brings.
The government holds children responsible.
Real Wisdom
Well said....I liked the way you concluded too. Good will in tact while ensuring self care .....thank-you for this wonderful video
❤️❤️❤️
I think the opposite problem is more common... Parents who force their children to take them in and feel that it is the child's duty to take care of the parent.
It used to be the norm until recently. Homes had mother in law suites so the elderly parents were close by. It’s only been in the past couple decades that everyone thinks of this as being a mooch. Families help and support each other. It’s a selfish me me me society.
It is. It’s a family’s responsibility to care for each other.
You make a valid point. The dynamics of intergenerational living can be complex, with challenges on both sides. While some parents may expect their children to take them in and care for them, others may feel pressured to do so out of a sense of duty. It's crucial for families to communicate openly and respectfully about their expectations and boundaries, finding solutions that prioritize everyone's well-being and autonomy. Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Who else is gonna do it? Can’t just throw them away, especially if they took care of you. Selfish. My mother couldn’t take care of me and my siblings after I turn nine years old due to nine for seeing health issues we ended up in foster care. I wanted to take care of my mom I didn’t mind waiting on her hand and foot fixing her dinner and helping her get to the bath taking her to the doctor. I didn’t mind that at all, it just depends on the person some adult children are completely selfish thoughtless and inconsiderate and forget who took care of them when they were children.
I BEG TO DISAGREE. LIVING WITH OR NOT WITH CHILDREN is a case-to- case basis thing. You can have a SAFE, CONVENIENT &LOGICAL living arrangement with them without you being obtrusive to their privacy, vice versa. Why, so? So appalling are the stories where PARENTS who live alone in their chosen place of dwelling because of the "reason of independence or autonomy" reasons are found to have passed away unnoticeably as they were left alone in their own elements without anyone to have helped them in their "hapless distressed moments." The reason why in my midlife when I had enough to build a decent house for the family - I opted to have the separate structures appended to each unit, to each his/her own so as to achieve the goal of indrpendence in movement and privacy maintained. 4 units - 1 each for 3 kids and their chosen set-up and 1 for my own private sacred space. Emergency situations hounded my physical well-being - I just have to knock at their doors for any assistance.
You bring up an excellent point about the importance of individualized living arrangements that respect everyone's privacy and autonomy while still fostering a sense of connection and support within the family. Your decision to build separate but interconnected living spaces for each family member demonstrates thoughtful planning for both independence and mutual assistance during emergencies. It's crucial to find a balance that meets everyone's needs and ensures safety and well-being. Thank you for sharing your insightful perspective on this topic
@@BuddhaZenWishdom ❤️sharing is caring. Caring is sharing. Thanks, likewise for bringing up this issue to help others to wisely and effectively plan to maintain posterity in their lives.
I am 80 years father of 4 Children and a very happy person staying with Children and Grandchildren. They love me and taking care of me. Each of my child wants me to stay together with them. I am blessed by ALLAH
Asian and European culture are not same
Same thing my youngest Son is building a big house with many rooms . My room is biggest so that any of my guest can stay with me
I am 65 and healthy . Living together has a few hassles . As an elderly I overlook and try to adjust to the young minds . I enjoy my grandson and the constant support of my kids . It’s mutual support . I take care of things and enjoy doing it and so does my husband . We are free to travel and they too ! As long as none is misunderstanding or disrespectful, it works well .
Culturally, westerners seem to like to be on their own. Easterners enjoy being with their families.
Who made this rule up some parents need there kids instead of being in a nursery home getting treated bad and as a police officer we find plenty parents who live alone fall and could have been saved if someone was there
You bring up a valid point about the importance of family support, especially for elderly parents who may need assistance. While living arrangements vary for each family, having loved ones nearby can provide crucial care and support, potentially preventing accidents or medical emergencies. It's essential to consider individual circumstances and preferences when making decisions about living arrangements. Thank you for highlighting the importance of family care and support in ensuring the well-being of our loved ones.
Not everyone has enough money or health to avoid the nursing home. For example, my mother decided to stop taking her blood pressure medication almost 3 years ago and, consequently, suffered a R hemorrhagic stroke that has left her paralyzed on her L side. My one consoling thought is that we had periodically discussed the importance of her taking and staying on her medication. After going to the pharmacy to retrieve a refill for her on an occasion, a few months before her stroke, i suggested that she let me know when she needed another refill (we were at the height of covid and i didn't even want her to go outside her home for groceries) she was 84 then. Well, little did i know, she was not taking the pills. She was also regularly going out to eat with friends (while asking them to not tell me) sans medication. Having no pension or trust fund, ltc Medicaid was all i could scrape together to keep a roof over her head after her hospital release and it pays the $9K monthly nursing home bill. Sad as it is, she cannot return to a private living situation without funds to cover 24/7 in home care. Suffering from physical frailties of my own, the best i can manage is a weekly visit with her. I love my mom very much, but this outcome is one she walked into.
This all depends on the I dividual people involved. I am an only child and my mom was di orced and never good alone. We were not only mother and daughter, we were best friends. We did what was best for us. I had her with me til the day she passed and never regretted a minute of it. We supported each other.
My daughter in law invited me to come live with them because it’s more economical. For whom? Poor girl thinks I can’t read her like a book. I told her when I am decrepit. Even if I become decrepit, I’d go to a home. I told my son she wants the man but not the housework. She was looking a maid. He thinks she wants me to side with her against him. That would never happen. My son is my blood.
It sounds like you're very perceptive about your daughter-in-law's intentions and have clear boundaries about your independence. It's important to be honest and maintain open communication with your family about your needs and expectations. Prioritizing your well-being and making choices that best suit your comfort and happiness is crucial. Your dedication to your son and your autonomy is commendable. Thank you for sharing your experience.
It can work if your personalities mesh. I’ve experienced the exact opposite. I love my mom, but she can drive most people crazy!😂
It's the cycle of life!
No woman could live happily with another woman 72 hours continuously!!
Their ego would separate them!!😊
This advice not for everyone. Too many bad things happen to people who live alone.
I only have one surviving child and he won't even talk to me??
Not an issue for me 👵🌠
I feel very fortunate to have the daughter like I have she is my only child. I have been living with her and her husband for the past 6 years I help around the house as I can : they didn’t expect me to do all that but I enjoy it. She support me almost totally including travel expenses : I travel overseas once or twice a year. But thing can change I just hope it’s change for better. In my belief when we do the good things it eventually returns to us, it’s karma.
It’s very sad but after having all my children, their spouses and grandchild over for a week, I’m okay with all of them returning to their home. Adult children don’t appreciate family reunions anymore. It gets awkward after a few days.
😊 I would love to help out since I am a healthy and energetic retired person. However, the foster child I cared for threw pool table balls at me and his teachers. He has two sons now. I just let it be.😊
It sounds like you've faced some challenging situations while trying to help others. It's important to prioritize your own safety and well-being, especially when dealing with difficult circumstances. Sometimes, stepping back and letting things be is the best course of action. Your health and happiness should always come first. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Nursing homes will take every asset
an elderly person has. At ten thousand dollars a month they are unaffordable. If they are on social security In a nursing home, they are only allowed to have fifty dollars of pocket money at any given time. Many cannot afford
to live alone in their home. Or nursing home. The way times are. Families are now choosing to go back to old school methods of taking care of their family in their own space! It is not always easy but sometimes other options are not available!
I live with my 2 elderly parents at age 40 as someone on the autism spectrum
Living with elderly parents can offer unique challenges and rewards, especially with autism spectrum considerations. It's essential to find a balance that works for everyone involved, ensuring mutual respect, understanding, and support. Your situation highlights the diverse experiences within families and the importance of accommodating individual needs and differences. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
@@BuddhaZenWishdom thank you for your support and reply
It depends on different cultures.....with Indian culture its the duty of children ( mainly sons ) to take of their old age parents.....therefore in very few cases...one would fine old age Indians in old age homes...
You're absolutely right. Cultural norms play a significant role in shaping family dynamics, and in many Indian families, there's a strong emphasis on children, especially sons, taking care of their parents in their old age. This tradition often leads to multi-generational households and a lower prevalence of elderly individuals residing in old age homes. It's fascinating how cultural values influence family structures and caregiving practices. Thank you for highlighting this aspect!
I am 64 years old. Youngest of 7 sons ...& I BLESSED with having both my parents AGE between 104 & 98 LIVING WITH ME OR I COULD SAY, I AM LIVING WITH THEM , THEY BEEN HEAD OF THE FAMILY..... Even I living in the west...Indian culture is well & alive....
My parents (Indian) preferred to live with me their financially independent daughter who loved them and adored them more than ever.
My husband and I moved into my Mum’s house for 6 years. It was hell on earth. She had said we could treat the place as our own. Well, this never happened. We just felt like unwanted interlopers. I have endured miserable times in my life, but this was the ultimate in ghastliness. The day she suggested we leave, was the happiest day of my life. She is old, alone, and miserable now. Don’t do it.
Neither my mom nor my mother in law wanted to live with me not becsuse i am difficult to live with but bcoz they are.Constantly cribbing about the food,the stairs,the monotony of old age,n loneliness.My mother in law would go on complaining to her daughter that we were not treating her well n her daughter moved her to Australia only to dump her in a home within one month of going there after coming to know the fault was with her mother.She constantly accused us,later the daughterand her roommate s of stealing her belongings.
I'm sorry to hear about the challenging experience you had living with your mum. It's heartbreaking when living arrangements don't turn out as expected, especially within families. Your well-being and happiness are essential, and sometimes, difficult decisions like moving out are necessary for your own peace of mind. It's unfortunate that your mum is now alone and unhappy, but ultimately, everyone deserves to find their own path to contentment. Thank you for sharing your story and offering valuable insight into the complexities of intergenerational living.
Two sides to every story. Were you angle’s?
@@Beencouraged777 We did everything we could to keep things nice. Some people can never be satisfied and just see a negative in everything. it drags you down. It’s a question of damned if you do, and damned if you do don’t.
It all depends on your attitude so better not to generalize.. some old people like nothing better than looking after their kids and grandkids and ruling over everyone even if they’re reassured that they’re grown people and look after themselves.. 🤣🤣🤣👌❤
True...NEVER LIVE WITH YOUR KIDS....stay in your house. Some kids just take advantage of their old parents.
Children should live with old age Parents. Period.
While some families may choose to have multi-generational households where children live with their elderly parents, it's essential to recognize that every family's situation is unique. Cultural norms, personal preferences, financial considerations, and individual circumstances all play a role in determining living arrangements. Ultimately, the most important thing is to ensure that elderly parents are well cared for and supported, whether they live with their children or independently.
Me,alrdy retired but fullly occupied with house chores and baby sitting.i dnt hve a house on my own. Hve to stay with my son.😢
It sounds like you're shouldering a lot of responsibility in your retirement years. Transitioning to living with your son may bring its own set of challenges, but hopefully, there are moments of joy and connection amidst the busyness. Take care of yourself amidst the hustle and bustle.
Well said
Must let them go
They have to live on their own
Absolutely! Allowing children to live their own lives helps them grow and become independent. It's important for both parents and children to have their own space and autonomy. Thank you for your supportive comment!
I think the biggest fear of staying alone is generally a medical emergency. How to deal with it
Thank u for ur video message.U are right.
my kids wanted me to be an on demand babysitter!! said hey, I used to get a high school kid for that- I'm not babysitting for you two to go out drinking with your friends, no way. YOU had the kids.. your turn to deal with it... they fussed a bit but they got used to it. Would not mind living with one of the daughters when I get decrepit.. and her kids are all grown and gone! LOL
Setting boundaries is crucial, especially when it comes to caregiving responsibilities. It's commendable that you stood your ground and advocated for your own needs and boundaries. As for the future, living with a daughter when her kids are grown sounds like a wonderful arrangement. It's important to plan for our future needs while maintaining independence and mutual respect within the family. Wishing you all the best!
Wow this is a really good message. I personally liked it thank you ❤
You can do it, but agree on division of labor/household chores! 😏
It depends on the culture and, in some cases, the country. Your video is more appropriate to some of the western and European cultures, where families are distant, and the younger people don't respect their elders. Some families are selfish with each other, and some are loving, caring, and kind. Just don't expect your children to be the same when they get married. They change to suit their husbands or wives.
100% spot on. Especially sons, they're only yours until they get married but daughters are a true asset forevermore.
To each his own...
It's ok if you get along. Otherwise it can be disastrous. 😢
My sister married and had two children way too young. Didn’t even finish middle school! So, when the inevitable divorce came a year or so later, she expected my parents to totally support all three of them. “The ex won’t pay child support!” She whined. Mom held firm. Made sister get. A job and day care for the kids. She refused to watch the children at all, ever. She finally had to give the kids back to the ex. Wasted her entire life on bad decisions.
It's heartbreaking to hear about your sister's challenging situation and the impact of her decisions on her life and family. Sometimes, tough love and setting boundaries are necessary for individuals to learn and grow. Your parents' firm stance on encouraging your sister to take responsibility for herself and her children, despite the difficult circumstances, demonstrates their commitment to her long-term well-being. It's a tough lesson, but hopefully, it leads to personal growth and positive changes in the future. Thank you for sharing this story
@@BuddhaZenWishdom Well, unfortunately my sister just dug in and refused to assume any responsibility. She always had excuses. Was injured, couldn’t work. Had depression. Was a pathological liar, oh was she ever. She managed to guilt dad into supporting her. He had to pay for apartments. Tired the suicide threat a few times. This sister was a real drag on the entire family. Master manipulator. She finally remarried but didn’t want more children. That caused a terrible strain on the new husband. Bad ending - she did finally succeed in offing herself. Just wasn’t fit for this world I suppose.
I respect your mum for being strong and not caving in.
No to western culture .Most of us India,keep our parents with us till their last days& we are blessed with their presence
The old lady is selfish. She wanted enjoyment forever. What is wrong in being physically active, make memories for ur grand children, remain a caring mom till ur last breath and die amidst family than to die alone. What's wrong in being helpful in making ur son and daughter in law have another honeymoon? If u had a mom like that, u too would probably have courage to trust ur kids with her. Teaching grandchildren spirituality is a wonderful way to live ur last days. It's like contributing to society with a few good future humans. Here, i dont think the problem was work. It's about helping a daughter in law. Nothing mentioned of the daughter though. Probably she's being helped by her mom in law. Live and die fruitfully and with empathy, doing ur duties to the fullest. Thankfully i have a great mother in law. She's the one who advised me these duties of a woman in her end days. ❤and coming to think of it, it does make sense.
Wise enough, I never wanted to have offsprings, as never could see any redeeming qualities in have them. It is a life of preoccupation, worries, headaches…The are a money pit and when parents get old, then, the offsprings will be rooting for their death just to get the inheritance. My fortune will be in a trust for honest Animal charities.
I learned my lesson after losing my house to forclosure I lived with son in law and daughter After a year they asked me to leave, thank God my sister took me in. I would have been sleeping outside it were not for my sister and stepmom. I UNDERSTAND IT WAS ME GONE IR LOSE HER HUSBAND.
Well she was a weakling though. I'd choose my mum and dad over anyone I don't care husband or not.
I can live with my parents but cannot tolerate other old people. It's better everyone lives with their children in their old age and stop troubling their relatives, or their kids.
It's understandable that everyone has different preferences and comfort levels, especially when it comes to living arrangements in old age. Each family's dynamics and circumstances are unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Ultimately, fostering open communication and mutual understanding can help families navigate these decisions with respect and empathy for everyone involved.
Hire a maid get up off some of that money. This sounds like a selfish generation we live in today.
While hiring help like a maid can certainly alleviate some of the burdens, every family's situation is unique. Some may prefer the presence and care of a family member over hiring outside help, while others may find it more practical to hire assistance. It's essential to respect each individual's choices and circumstances without labeling them as selfish. The key is to find a solution that works best for everyone involved, considering factors like finances, availability of support, and personal preferences.