Mom & Dad || Father Knows Something Podcast
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
- Welcome back to Father Knows Something! Real People. Real Stories. Real Dad advice with a dash of ADHD, and maybe a couple of millennials chiming in from time to time to add their takes.
This week's episode has Jerry, Morgan, & Justin responding to stories where these listeners are dealing with some issues regarding their mom or dad or both. From someone who is wondering if they should let go of their wish for a normal parent-child relationship to someone whose whole family is going on a family trip without them. As always please head to the RUclips comments to add your advice for these listeners!
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Morgan I’m glad you were on the story about the sister’s stuff being destroyed because I would be PISSED as well. Yes, she can’t do anything about it now, but she doesn’t need to just “let it go”. She can feel her feelings and be angry and sad, etc. and then when she is ready, she can process everything and choose to either forgive and forget for their sake, or for her sake.
I don't always agree with morgan, BUT totally agree with her on the sister throwing my sh!t out... Are you serious? Your out, permanently.. unbelievable.
Story 1: It is his life, it is not your business. He isn't hurting anyone. It isn't fair to make him be alone for the rest of his life. If he messes up, that is his right. You have a responsibility for your own life and your own relationships.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO GET OVER ANYTHING!!!! Do not let people tell you that oh it's just stuff or oh they are family. No if they hurt you they hurt you and stuff is important. Pictures matter.
Story 1: almost identical to my father. He's on #4. Initially, all my siblings and I decided that since we were adults, we were too old to deal with "stepmom". So we didn't say anything, but just got to know her like we would any other person.
We love her! She's perfect for my dad and I'm glad he has her. I still call her my dad's wife, and her child is a friend, not sibling.
She and I have a great friendship! It's possible to separate yourself from the drama!!
Story 1: I know it’s not what you would like to see. However, it’s not your life. He is an adult, and so are you. The great thing about being an adult is that you don’t need to see them all the time. But you should be happy that he found someone who makes him happy right now… even if doesn’t last. Would you like to have a few marriages fail and be told you should be single the rest of your life? People want and need love!
When my dad passed away 9 yrs ago I lived in a tiny apartment at the time. My dad and I collected video games together (we had thousands of games together from every system), he had tons of musical instruments, and tons of vinyl records. I found out 2 yrs after he died that she had created a dummy Facebook (so I wouldn’t see) to sell all those video games and consoles for $20 for the lot (!!!!!) and his instruments we were meant to split between us. Not only that but she was living in my grandma’s house while she was staying in MD and she tore her house apart and sold anything of value even things my grandmother said were left in the will for all of her grandkids. There was a hope chest my grandma had made for me when I was born with all my baby stuff in it - she was going to send that to me when I had a kid OR leave it in the will when she passed. My sister tried to sell it but ended up leaving it out in the rain at some random person’s house. When my mom went to find it - it was ruined.
My sister let my grandmother’s basement flood ruining all the things she couldn’t sell of my dad’s. My mom went in and the house was covered in black mold and the copper piping was torn out. My sister left my mom to clean it up all by herself (I lived too far away and worked constantly with no pto) my mom was able to gather some of my dad’s poetry that wasn’t destroyed and pictures. But everything else - gone and /or ruined.
I still cry about it. Every day. Not only did I lose my dad and then soon after my grandmother but my sister selfishly and maliciously went in and purposely destroyed everything… and for what…
I asked her, admittedly I was angry and crying, why she did that over the phone she basically said “it was her payment for storing stuff.” I said, “you’re not storing anything if you’re actively selling it. And if you wanted money for storing stuff I would have given you money!”
I told her I didn’t want a relationship with her anymore after that. I actively hopes she gets the worst karma ever, she’s a terrible person and will never be redeemed in my eyes.
I should have known this would go this way. The day after my dad died my sister took us to the bank - before we even went to the funeral home - for us to clear out his account and split his savings. I wasn’t ready and was still actively crying in the bank office.
We all got some money split in between us. I put mine in savings as my dad always told me he wished he would have bought a house instead of renting so he could have had something to leave me. (I was saving for a house) my sister, however, was seen by some mutual friends in a mall 2 days later with a shopping cart full of high end bags from coach and Micheal kors.
2 years later my mom said my sister went through that money in less than 2 weeks and was immediately asking her for money on the daily. I hate her so much.
Ooof it feels so good to type that all out.
I'm so sorry you went through that. The copper pipes detail made me think your sister has a drug habit she was supporting but designer bags could be an addiction too... I hope karma kicks her ass too ❤ and I hope that you have get to rebuild your own game collection and can feel your dad's love for you whenever you play.
Story 1 - He is an adult, he can do what he wants and you’re an adult, you can do what you want. So let him live his life and you go live yours and as an adult you can refuse to be involved until you are happy to be. Story 2 - You’re an adult that doesn’t live at home! Why on earth would they take you? You need to find out the reason why this is making you hurt so bad. Therapy maybe something you need to look in to. Story 3 - You are justified to be furious! How dare they! I can see why you moved away, if this is how they treat you! I would write your Grandma a letter, explaining your feelings, hopefully this may help. Your sister is so disrespectful and isn’t worth your time. Story 4 - One word, Therapy! She knows exactly what she is doing. I don’t think you can ban only her from drinking but you can try Jerrys suggestion. Really if the therapist can’t get through to her then tell her she can’t come and she has to choose. Story 5 - Congratulations on the baby ❤ Sadly an addict are very selfish and will never change unless they want to. Unfortunately your parent don’t seem to want to. You seriously need to go to therapy, you need help to cope with these feelings before they affect your relationship with your son.
Story #2 -
I feel you hard, I am 30 and I am the only step daughter in my family and I haven't been invited to any family vacations since I was a child. Seeing the family photos and fun times tears at your heart no matter how old you are when all you want is a close family connection. You're not alone and not overreacting.
Jerry: Hi, guys! We are late for this week’s episode because we have been cranking it out.
(Justin quickly finding piecing together holes in that storyline.)
Justin: Cranking WHAT out? (Clearly not the stories.)
🤣 Love yer dynamic. Ya’ll are the best!
8:05 before I even hear y’all’s opinion on story one- this “child” is an adult! Lol 😂 you aren’t gonna have a step mom, it’s your father’s girlfriend! It’s not the same anymore. Don’t worry about saying “my dad’s been married 4 times!” In a shameful way, as thought you’re an emboldened teenager, with an axe to grind! 😮 yikes. Idk 🤷🏼♀️ he’s an adult, and so are you! I can’t imagine thinking I have any say in my dad’s love life, as an adult!
19:24 note on this one- I didn’t think I said anything bad- but another commenter told me I must have missed some other parts-* story 2- 26 YO“had to move in with my grandparents!” ??? You’re 26. Just curious why you don’t want your own place? to me, it still feels like you think of yourself as a child!? 😢
@@melinda3413 The way I heard the story OP moved into their grandparents as a minor and is still staying with them (whether due to the economy, or to help them out as they're elderly, who knows). But even if as an adult they had to move in "for their mental health" (quoting their post) that suggests that there are some serious issues where they need support in everyday life that the mom obviously didn't provide.
Judgmental statements such as yours can contribute to stigma around mental health and make people feel unsafe to speak up about it.
I am glad that you are so privileged to find owning a place at 26 normal and cannot fathom moving in with grandparents as an adult (which is the reality for plenty of millenials).
Anyways, have a wonderful day!
@@tabitas.2719 well- as an adult child of parental abuse I can relate. I’m disabled, and a millennial. I am disabled with mental illness. So- if I missed those things thanks for pointing that out. I just asked questions- did not in any way shame or suggest that they should not be somewhere. I asked questions-
@@melinda3413 ❤️😊👍🏻
I have a VERY hot take on story three…as heartbreaking as it is, I would not put my things over my relationship with my sister and grandma. I’d be furious & probably “seeing red,” but like Jerry said, at the end of the day, it’s stuff. I had great aunts steal a tote of t shirts that were my father’s who passed when I was young. It’s heartbreaking and I would love to have those shirts back and to try and remember what he smelled like. But at the end of the day, as angry and as hurt as we are, the shirts won’t bring him back…and stewing over it will only make me an angry person. It’s just something that I’d rather not let consume me. I guess that this is just my perspective.
It has been 15 years for me and I will never get over the person who didn't pay the bill on the storage unit and I lost all of my things. I don't have childhood photos of me or anything from before the age of 15. I will never get over it.
Jerry’s reaction to the stuff being thrown out was oddly apathetic when he’s never like that. Maybe it’s because he’s distanced from when he first felt those feelings but it doesn’t seem like it was just “stuff” when it happened to him. Age may have tempered his emotions and taken away the freshness of those emotions, but for OP, that’s not their current experience.
I get what he’s saying, but dismissing how important something to someone is because “there’s more important things” doesn’t aid someone in processing their feelings of it *currently being* an important thing to them.
I truly appreciate the well thought out comment. And it is true. I’m probably a little more distance from those feelings. I have gone through this a few times. And yes, I am older and I do recognize one thing there’s nothing and more important than the intangible. Although that stuff and things are important, why we live it is obvious we cannot take those items with us when we leave are we can really take are the feelings that we had from them and we got to experience while we experience life with them. It is those feelings that no one can ever take and I think that’s where I was coming from. Thanks so much and enjoy this weekend as I am reflecting on all of you during it has everyone of you are relevant in my life.
I truly appreciate the well thought out comment. And it is true. I’m probably a little more distance from those feelings. I have gone through this a few times. And yes, I am older and I do recognize one thing there’s nothing and more important than the intangible. Although that stuff and things are important, why we live it is obvious we cannot take those items with us when we leave. All we can really take are the feelings that we had from them and we got to experience while we experience life with them. It is those feelings that no one can ever take and I think that’s where I was coming from. Thanks so much and enjoy this weekend ,as I am reflecting on all of you during it . Just a little note, everyone of you are relevant in my life. Dad/FKS
I’m wondering with the first story , if the fathers has worked out his substance abuse issues. He’s not going 😢to maintain a steady relationship if he hasn’t dealt with being sober, yet.
Her mom is a narcissistic mom she'll never be able to talk to her mom unfortunately
What is going on with all these grown adults being so entitled with their parents!?!?!
Story 1: it’s none of OP business if their dad keeps dating or gets married again. You’re an adult and should not be so involved in his love life. It’s so selfish to keep saying you don’t want your dad to keep dating, but at the same time saying you want him to be happy. Don’t say anything to him about his dating life unless it’s actually dangerous and life threatening. Again, you’re an adult, his life decision hardly have any impact on your life anymore and him being married and divorced possibly 4 times isn’t anyone’s business but his. Why are you going so hard on judging a woman you haven’t met and wanting to cast her out based on the actions and mistakes of other women? If you were in many relationships and kept breaking up would you like for your dad to tell you stay single and don’t date anymore because I’m embarrassed and making your life about me?
I have a different take on story 2:
Under the assumption that OP already tried everything to salvage their relationship (including Jerry's suggestions):
1) How old is the stepsister? 19? (Or am I confusing that with the first story and it wasn't said?) Because in that case the arguments of others saying that she's an adult; why would they take you? don't hold up. My siblings and I are all adults. If our parents wanted to do a family vacation I'd expect them to invite all or none (unless it's a birthday present or something!) - it is odd to me.
2) What is your reaction to Dad's suggestion? Are you hopeful and optimistic, albeit anxious? Might it work? Then go for it!
If you are terrified or defeated there's probably good reason. I'm afraid talking to a therapist who is specialized in emotional neglect/abuse (as we do not know any details to determine) might help you figure out a course of action - whether that is low contact with grey stoning; or something I haven't heard of because I'm not one. :D
3) Maybe you could take your grandparents on a vacation and focus on that relationship and enjoying time with them? (That obviously isn't all and you still have to work through your feelings. :))
To comment on the last story. Your parents are never going to change. They are who they are and you need to accept that this is your relationship unfortunately. The good news is your in-laws are nice people and you can rely on them. If I was in your position and I have been I would have as little to do with your parents as possible and just focus on your relationship with your in-laws. Your parents are only going to drag you down especially while they're actively using. Being in your position you don't need any added stress. You have enough going on with a new baby. Your mother-in-law is moving to your town to help you. Focus on that relationship she's a good person. It's unfortunate that your parents suck and those feelings of abandonment are probably going to stay with you for a long time but I found it's easier if you can focus your relationship on good people instead of concentrating on the bad.
Story 5: i grew up in a home like this OP. Therapy helps so much. I found group therapy for childhoood trauma and PTSD the most helpful. They will never love the way you want and need. Cut them from your life. They will only continue to bring you pain. You can brung them baxm into your life of you want once you're stronger and healthier, but you need distance and time.
Love your children, husband, and in-laws. My in-laws are my parents. The love you give and get from your family that you create is so much healthier anf happier than the people you were born into.
You can and will be happier. I am sending you so much love and positive healthing vibes.
Last story, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through ❤️
The advice I can offer you is to allow yourself to grieve the fact that you weren’t given the love and care you needed as a child. I hear you saying that in your heart you want to love your parents, you will always love your parents but as an adult you need to accept that they will most likely never be the parents you want and need. No matter how hard and painful that is, we need to as adults hold our inner child as they grieve never being loved the way the needed. And then re-parent ourselves, be the parents we needed, talk to ourselves with love, set and hold boundaries, protect ourselves, stand up for ourselves. You now have a child which for most people bring up a lot of pain because you’re a much better parent then your parents were but it reminds your inner child of the pain you felt/feel and what you didn’t get.
This is not a quick fix and it takes learning and engaging in inner work but it will help you feel more loved and whole on the inside regardless of how the outside world treats you.
There’s a lot of free stuff on the internet for inner child work and people who can support you.
Most importantly allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings you couldn’t process as a child in a safe space. For many those are women circles or with therapist.
Wish you all the love ❤
My mom did this to me when I was 16. Dad's right in this case. It SUCKS, still stings to this day but it's stuff in the end
Story #3 has me so triggered. I have always been the black sheep. I'm the oldest and my parents had me young, and my other siblings didn't come along until my parents had made something of themselves, so they didn't really go through the traumas I have, and have always been golden while I'm gold-plated. Especially my brother. When I was in high school I wanted to do an exchange year in Italy. My parents are divorced. Mom was super supportive and even though we couldn't afford it she made it happen. My dad would threaten me and try to bribe me not to go. For example, if I didn't go to Italy, I would be allowed to come on family Summer vacations, out to eat, etc. We'll I went to Italy. I came back, and I didn't even have a bedroom. My clothes were gone. My brother got my things and what he didn't want got trashed. Not even donated. All of my early childhood artwork, projects I had poured my heart into, baby clothes, my baby blanket, first everything. I saw myself as a baby for the first time at 25 years old. I'm 26. My mother was broke and is now in recovery, so at the time, she couldn't keep track of everything, so it was all given to my dad. And he threw away every. Single. Bit. I am still healing from it. Not sure if I will ever be able to let it go when my siblings have had everything I wished for, not that I would ever want any different for them. It just hurts to see what I could have had. Especially when we visit my fiancé's parents. He lived in the same house his whole life which his parents still live in. I was so overwhelmed my first time visiting we had to leave. I couldn't take being in a house, for the first time, where they were simply one big happy family. I love my parents, and each have grown into wonderful people whom I have wonderful, deep relationships with. I don't know how to wrestle this feeling of resentment for someone I love so much that it isn't worth bringing up.
Story #1: How many relationships does a young person have when they're single? Usually quite a few until they find the right one. Just because he's a father, that doesn't change the fact that we enter relationships, some fail, and luckily, at some point, we find the right one. Also, only two stepmothers? That's pretty normal when you have single parents. My advice for her would be: don't feel like your relationship with these people has to be that deep. They are in a relationship with your father, not you. They don't need to be like a third parent. You can establish the kind of dynamic you want, especially because everyone is an adult in this situation.
If you feel embarrassed that he has married multiple times (it sounded like that to me), just advise him to think about it more in the future, since he has a pattern of jumping into marriages. But at the end of the day, it's his choice.
Story 2- this honestly sounds a lot like the relationship my mom and I had prior to her passing, and my advice is to seak therapy regardless of how the conversation goes. If your mom is anything like mine she did damage that you're not even aware of at this time. I wish you the best of luck, and please know that you are not alone
I understand jerry on the sisters stuff being gone. Hes not saying shes not in the wrong to feel betrayed but at the end of the day, its just stuff and yes she needs to move on. Jerry literally has experience in this so his advice goes a long way
This mom is a narcissistic mom as well don't invite her to the wedding she will make it about her
All of the stories scream parentification.
Morgan, I usually agree with you but Dad is right on this one, it is just stuff. Aparigraha babe. Nonattachment.
I also am really curious where my prom dress is now 12 years later lol
my family threw many of my childhood toys clothes and photos away. Do I still love them? Of course. Have I forgotten and does it still break my heart and can I ever trust them again? Absolutely not. It’s been 20 years. My heart feels for her in that story and I think it’s totally fair to never trust them again and if I ever found myself in the opposite position I would have a hard time not taking revenge and donating some of their stuff! The disrespect is crazy
You know your life sucks when you’re like well at least you have your husband’s family doing those things.😂 I lived with them but just felt left out.
The story about the childhood stuff I have to agree with Jerry & Morgan take to me seems like it came from anger. Some things are not worth losing family for . Yes be upset & let everyone know . But to stop talking to your grandmother because of something your sister did is selfish. When I left for college I took what was important to me & what was left behind I told my self if something happens I was ok with losing it . I say that to say if those things were so important you should have took them with you or let it be known to not touch anything that belongs to you .
I get so much comfort listening to all three of you’s views and insights and experiences. Thank you Jerry, Justin and Morgan so much for always sharing this with me and everyone else. What a great bunch you guys are❤
Mom drinking at wedding story: If talking to mom doesn't work out, OP should notify her wedding planner or day of coordinator (if they have one) and their wedding bartender (most wedding venues require a licensed alcohol vendor) ahead of the wedding to keep an eye on mom. OP can let them know mom's limit and they can simply refuse to serve her.
Sounds like you brought the pony home. So happy for Morgan, she must be over the moon. Love your shows, keep up the good work!!!!❤️❤️❤️
Jerry and Justin!
Just sat down to eat my cheat meal; This is a treat! Hope you guys have been well! Saying hey from Sunny San Diego ❤
What a great impact Jerry has in the listener's lives.
I think this is better than the reddit stories since we all tune in hoping to hear advice in our own stories. And although they might not be selected, we can all learn about other stories.
All that was a long way to say I love the podcast!
The sister story, I’d take my mattress back😅
I LOVEEEEE just Jerry & Justin episodes
I love that it's Jerry and his future son in law Justin! ❤ Is Morgan taking a nap? 😁
This is specifically jerry and Justin's podcast! Morgan just guest stars on this channel
@CaliHarris2798 ahhh did not know this as I'm brand new to this channel. Thanks for the info. 😊
Pretty much everyone in her family either has a podcast or one in the works! Check out Midwest married!
@@CaliHarris2798 is that her brother's and sister in laws pod cast?
@@Anemicpandayes
Happy belated Father’s Day!
Story 3 unpopular opinion: if your belongings are important to you, as an *adult*, it is your responsibility to get your things out of someone else's house. Sister may have thought that if the things were important, OP would have taken it already. OP left clutter in Grandma's house thinking it would always be there.
12 minutes ago 😂
Hiiiiii❤ I love you guys ❤
My heart breaks for OP #2. I went through the same thing when I was a teen. My entire family, siblings and even a brother in law, went on a beach vacation. I wasn't even told b/c I was at my mom's house and I didn't find out until they got back. No one even noticed I wasn't there, no one thought to include me. It was extremely painful, I cried, I felt worthless and isolated. It is not a small thing to be excluded from something by your literal family. It's unbelievably painful. All I have to say from experience is that it was just one of many giant red flags that my family was toxic. I got out, moved far away, and built my own family. My children will never ever be left out. They belong and they matter, always. I have found a lot of healing in that.
For the last story, this really resonated with me. If I can suggest one thing it’s to read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It changed my life and how I viewed my parents.
When I became a mom I lost a lot of my understanding that I had for my parents because of the love I have for my own child. It will never replace the void that your parents left but really lean into your in-laws. It’s wonderful that you have them in your corner. 🫶🏼