Prioritizing Yourself.. || Father Knows Something Podcast || Dad Advice
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
- Welcome back to Father Knows Something! Real People. Real Stories. Real Dad advice with a dash of ADHD, and maybe a couple of millennials chiming in from time to time to add their takes.
This week's episode has Jerry and Justin responding to stories where the listener might need to start putting themselves (or their family) first. We all can sell ourselves short and look out for others a bit too much, but sometimes we really do need to look within and choose the path that will suit us best. From drawing a boundary with your MIL over your husband's donated genetic material to leaving a relationship that no longer serves you.. we really get into it this episode. Going to need your thoughtful advice on these too!
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It always makes me a little happy when Mo'gan isn't chilling, not in a "I don't want to see her" way, but in a "it's proof she's taking a little break!" Kind of way. She works hard. 🥰
I napped the whole time in the other room
Story 1: the fiancé definitely wannts to go back to his home town because him finding job there where his family worked definitely means he wants to work there,have a talk with him first if he wants to go back or not and also he's not sticking up for you
I agree with Jerry on story #2. My now husband and I had to pump the brakes on my mother-in-law. She was being too persistent on her ideas of what me and my husband should be doing. We could see they were fueled by her motives. We would let her make her suggestions and then kindly say, "that wouldn't work for us" or "that is not apart of what we want". I thought she got the hint, but then started to pressure my husband and even threatened him in private, when I wasn't around. I told my husband, "you are going to have to put your foot down and tell her we are grown adults, (we were 29 years old!!) and can make decisions for ourselves and it would have to come from him, after all, didn't she think she did a good job of raising him?
Right!!! If you're such a good mom then you should trust your own grown ass children 🎉
It sounds like the MIL in the sperm donor story is putting forth a lot of micro aggressions towards this same sex relationship. She may not be fully out and out against it, but by pushing the whole "he has to be the dad" thing shes saying she doesn't believe they're a proper family without that, that a family needs a dad, and that family is whatever your dna connection is rather than the bonds you form.
Ooo that is such a good point! You could be onto something with this
The sister adopted the child. So now the uncle is just the uncle.
Thank you Jerry! It was so nice to meet everyone at the Minneapolis show! You are all so lovely 😊
Why did we take away the timestamp?
Story #2 - sounds like the Mother that wants her son to be more involved in his sister's children's live's is dealing with some internalized homophobia. Those kids don't NEED a father figure...they have two loving parents already. Someone needs to tell her to work on herself.
Ahh, perfect timing for my kitchen deep clean 😂
SAME😅😂
Right my last hr of work!!! Needed this
Story #1 - Where is the fiancé speaking up and setting boundaries with his family? It shouldn't be put on the writer to fight this battle with his family and, in fact, doing so is liable to put a wedge between her relationship with his family. With that said, she doesn't mention how the fiancé feels about all of this and the fact that he took a job back home and is going to be working with his aunt and uncle... I'm wondering if he may be more into moving back than he is leading on. Also, she mentioned that the future MIL only visited them once, but have they gone back to visit her? It shouldn't just be a one sided thing for either party.
Story #2 - MIL needs to STFU. Saying that them not having a father figure in the kids' lives is going to cause "daddy issues" is not only completely wrong but also an insult to her daughter and DILs relationship and ability to raise the children in a house with two loving mothers. I really wonder what the daughter has to say about this. Maybe she needs to step in and tell her mom to knock it off?
Story #4 - I liked Whitney's idea of asking your dad to do the music for the ceremony. As someone who had a relationship with the dad, I feel like she might have insight to how to negotiate the situation. I personally would present it to the dad that you would be honored to have him do the music, and it would give you an easy out why he isn't walking you down the aisle to avoid potential drama. As for the father/daughter dance, unless it is important to you, you could always skip it. We opted not to do any parent dances at our wedding as things were tense with my dad (parents had recently had a contentious divorce and dad was attending with his AP/new wife, so that was a whole fun thing to navigate to keep him and my mom separate). I don't regret not doing the dance even though our relationship eventually improved. In fact, not having so many "scheduled" dances freed up the night for more mingling and less stress on me. BUT, like I said, the dance wasn't important to me. I know not everyone feels that way.
Working from home besties check in!! I love listening as I work away :)
Saying hey from sunny San Diego! ❤
Hey from Seattle, WA🥹
For the last story when OP says she's terrified to be a single mom...it sounds like she already is one? Just from hearing her write in it seems like her husband really does not do much and she does all the major things I know that sounds harsh especially if he is dealing with mental health issues however he should definitely seek help and I could see why OP wants a divorce. Major red flags of husband telling MIL what OP thinks of her/confidential stuff and him not paying the major bill on time. It seems like the trust and respect is gone and I think OP should lead with that when bringing up the divorce- that she loves him but they need to be apart.
A new stu?? Bittersweet but exciting!!
The uncle sperm doner situation has a lot of layers. I may have miss heard but the sister is a lesbian in a lesbian relationship right? Raising her kids with another mother?
So the mother in law is being homophobic and essentially saying that two mothers is not good enough and the children need a male father to be raised properly? How do the two moms feel about that? I would talk to them and come from that angle as well as how confusing it would be for the kids to suddenly have their uncle also act as a father. He is not their dad, he is their uncle, period. When it’s appropriate they can learn what a kind thing their uncle did but that does not make him their father. It would also be a bit traumatic to learn that your sperm doner was emotionally manipulated into being your father after they signed away their rights as a parent. Let their moms raise them.
And separately, why can’t the siblings travel to see OP & her husband? Why can’t they alternate who travels across the country or meet in the middle or somewhere everyone wants to visit? If it’s not a priority for OP & get husband to travel to them every year thats fine, but if it is it totally makes sense to either alternate or meet on the middle. Just make sure to set boundaries around how much you are hosting if they all come to visit you.
Story 4- op’s dad sounds like such a miserable human being.
Story #2: that whole situation is up to the mothers of those kids and the sperm donor, which should have been discussed before he donated. This literally has nothing to do with grandma or the other aunts and uncles. The sperm donor/husband (SD) needs to ask his sister if her and her wife have been telling their mom that they wish they had SD as a father figure in the kids lives more because where did grandma get this narrative. If not then, this is none of the grandmas business in terms of the choice. I would ask my husband to have the conversation with his sister and whatever comes from that needs to be relayed to their mom with all of them there to confront her.
Story 1: I don't think this relationship is going to work. He isn't standing up for you to his family. He hasn't set boundaries with his family. He appliednfor a job back in his hometown. These are all redflags. If you carry on with this relationship, he needs to set boundaries, don't rent from his family, and he needs to get a back bone. To be honest OP, I can see this relationship being harder on you than on him.
Perfect timing! I’m having alone time playing video games and listening to y’all I definitely need to prioritize myself
Story 3: Definitely go back to teaching or do tutoring. I am sure thwre are a lot of jobs available with a teaching degree. Rebecca Rodgers would agree.
This themes are getting way too accurate to my life
Did you see Matty Healy is already engaged to some young influencer, which is exactly what she knew would happen,.. hence songs like “the one” and “Chloe Sam, Sophia or Marcus”
On story number one- he applied to a job he didn’t think he would get? He had more than one family member there! He was actually probably very likely to get that job!
He knew what he was doing.
I’m a bit late to this but I had a similar situation to my dad and my wedding. I wanted to walk myself down the aisle bc I felt like I got where I was completely without his help. My stepdad was the minister at my wedding and did the father daughter dance with me. When I told my dad his role was to just be present as a guest, he lost it and said so many hurtful things to me that I’m not sure I’ll ever get over. We didn’t talk for 7 years after that and just now recently have started sort of talking again. I still keep him at arms length but choose to forgive him for my sake. Just know that the conversation may not have the best outcome, but ultimately, it will supply you with some peace of mind. I loved my wedding and my dance with my stepdad and I don’t regret it for a second!
OP with the crappy cheating dad don't invite him,he is abusive and you don't need him!
40:35 if the OP does decide to invite her dad and makes all of her wishes clear, she should make some bridesmaids/groomsman aware of the situation in case her dad does come and decides to make a scene. There was a sort of related situation at a wedding. I was a maid of honor for, and a couple of us on each side were fully aware and had plans to handle it if her dad decided cause issues. He didn’t end up attending but it’s good to have a plan in place.
Morgan actually talks like her dad 😂
Favourite time of the week
Yay! I'm so late, I was adulting
Omg I'm so early!!!!! Love y'all!
pumped to be this early💞💞
Story 1, I think you should tell your partner it's his call, try not to tell him what to do or threaten. Just talk to him, let him know you like where you're at but you understand if you he feels out of place where you're currently at and prefers to leave. You are so young and he may actually be waiting for you to let him leave, or he may realize he needs to put his foot down with his family. Either way, he needs to decide and draw the line one way other other
Story 4: my parent dynamics are very similar to yours. I spoke with my father respectfully, though he was frustrated. I had the conversation on the phone (definitely the better option for me). My stepfather walked me down the aisle. I split my first dance between my father and my stepfather, and you can see (even in photos) how much more comfortable I was with my stepdad. It's not all about blood. 🤷🏼♀️
Story 4: I'm similarly in same position of this story where my parents divorced when I was 2, both are remarried, step dad feels more like my dad, bio dad and I have a complicated relationship, and I have to tell my bio dad he won't be walking me down the aisle. I am planning on asking my bio dad to do the father/daughter dance with me while my stepdad is walking me down the aisle. I know my bio dad is not going to react well and I'm dreading the conversation, but the advice made me feel a little better about just getting it over with and not worrying about his reaction! So OP I feel you!
This & THT have been so wonderful while I’m nesting 🥰
You´re reaction to the last one is was dissapointing. That is not depresion. That is a man using weaponized incompentence cuase he expects the woman to do all the work and still take the credit. This woman is gonna ask for a divorce, he is gonna be sorry, change for 2 weeks for her to lower her uard and go right bak at doing very little and doing it bad! Com on dad! THis is text book!
Yay varnishing some paintings and then eating so this came at the perfect time🙏🫶🤣
Love this title! Can't wait to hear this 🙌 💙
Story 4: Congrats on your upcoming wedding, OP! I am sorry to hear about how your biological father has treated you over the years. My suggestion to you in discussing your father's role in the wedding is to lead the conversation with Whitney's brilliant suggestion. Lead with the positive aspect. I would say something like "Zane & I are planning for the wedding & I would be honored if you would share your talent & play the music while I walk down the aisle & potentially for the whole ceremony if you would like. I also want you to enjoy your time as a guest but, I would love it if at least you would play while I walk down the aisle. What are your thoughts?"
This tells your father without having to tell him in a way he may find disrespectful. He may choose to find this disrespectful as well since some fathers feel that the biological nature of the relationship with their children entitles them to certain roles in a wedding regardless of their behavior. Many in my experience are also concerned with how others will see them not performing the traditional role. However, I feel like this approach may minimize your father's level of insult. And my response to any potential objections to father not performing the traditional functions would be that it is also traditional to be supportive & involved in your child's life. You know, like not allowing spouses to treat your children like garbage & allow them to be run off. 💁🏻♀️😆 I'm sure you would say that last part more eloquently, lol. I really hope the convo goes smoothly & he accepts the role he is invited to have graciously. ❤❤❤