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I was so scared of the thumbnail and I was like "so this person wants teens to have sex, go watch euphoria or sm" but then I watched the video, it's that easy to not assume guys....

I have a question in regards to the recent switch in spelling. I understand that the definition of femme vs fem doesn’t have historical accuracy but we are talking about cultural language which is something that evolves and changes. I don’t think it makes sense to say the “truth” of something is based on going back in history or else we’d still be using terms like “invert”, “fairy”, or “transsexual” which isn’t accurate today’s culture. The language used in the past was “true” in its cultural context in the same way the language we use today is “true” in our cultural context. What are some other people’s idea about this and are there any good explanations for it?

As a creator who makes art and stories around sapphic experiences it would surprise you how often I've been asked by other sapphic people in my life why I don't draw more men. It's surprisingly subtle and insidious how preferential m/m is over f/f. Thank you for such a fun and lengthy video, you've pretty much covered what runs in my head on loop all the time haha

this is such an important video and i hope to see something similar for butch identities since there’s a huge discourse around that as well. i hadn’t read much of these historical texts and got a lot of misinfo from modern articles. i learned the meaning of fem and femme in reverse and swallowed it but it never did feel right or make sense! thanks so much for laying this all out

That discussion of how passing can be a privilege and a diffuculty really struck home. For reference I'm agender enby and AMAB. I still tend to pass as male which can frustrate me because it doesn't feel authentic to who I am, I've done an alright job finding community around me (although mostly through being loud and proud about my autism and my Communism and emphasising my non-binary-ness only with those I trust and with whom I feel I can build community around that aspect of myself) but I do constantly have to come out as non-binary or remind ppl to stop it being forgotten and while I have grown out my hair I still feel like the me on the outside is somehow tarnished by the way it is still percieved as male/masculine. On the other hand I feel acutely aware of the male privilege afforded to me by the way I look. I fundamentally feel safe out on the street and while things like seeing stickers in the street denouncing all trans ppl as a dangerous lie are a horrible, bloodboiling thing to see I'm not worried that someone's going to randomly attack me and I know that that's only the case because a casual observer would conclude me to be male. I feel very conflicted about this privilege because I think it should be afforded to everyone and that I'm therefore as entitled to it as anyone else and yet knowing that it isn't is a constant reminder that the world doesn't see *me* until I tell it to (and remind it constantly, and frankly even then there are cis straight ppl who are totally respectful and know all the right things to say but for whom it is very clear in certain moments that they just absolutely do not get it). It also I feel gives me a responsibility towards those in my community who don't pass; I can have real meaningful community and communication with other trans ppl and really learn about them and there experience and then the fact I pass means I can be an approachable way to learn about that experience (for those ppl who are out obviously because I would never go around deliberately outing ppl) in a way where they maybe don't need to hear their dead names as much or have to deal with answering the same questions dozens of times. Because I can have those kinds of conversations without ppl really clocking that the experience we're discussing includes me, ppl feel more confident talking about it and I in turn feel I can be more assertive without coming across as a "snowflake" or "language police" and even when I bring in elements of my own experience to that conversation it comes from a very different kind of dialogue where it hasn't started because the other person was shocked at my existence. For me, I don't think I want to pass as "normal" (for lack of a better antonym to queer, although if you read cis that's pretty close), if anything I think I'd like to feel the same seeing myself in a mirror as I do seeing a masc presenting woman or an androgynous AFAB enby, so I don't view my transition to my preferred lack of gender as complete so long as I continue to pass, but I'm also not doing a lot to change things right now either because it kind of feels like I'm not really at a point in my life where I'm yet ready or prepared to give up the privileges of passing as a cis man, or to have the conversations that would need to go along with that. It's a completely different set of challenges from what more visible trans ppl have and it reminds me a lot of the differences in the experience of those with visible vs invisible disabilities (of which I am quite aware because if the afore mentioned autism).

fantastic video

as a femme, THANK you for this video!!! my femme friend sent it to me and we celebrated

I really identify with that quote about reinventing femininity. I'm a stem and while I would usually consider my presentation to be closer to stud, these days I've been really bringing the femme out of me and enjoying it and part of that has been changing how I view femininity and enjoying femininity detached from male gaze and approval 😌 Also this process of reclaiming femininity does actually feel somewhat adjacent to an MTF journey. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of clothes I like and feel comfortable in. I still don't really get make-up or know how to have a healthy relationship to it. I even feel like an imposter when I'm buying make up and hair products which is so bizarre 😂😂

StrangeEons did a video recently on Omegaverse and it was interesting to see that people said that they used m/m relations to explore female queerness, i'd suggest this also explains, to some extent, why there is a lack of f/f in fan fiction.

Over the years, the overall topic of queerbating has only and only seemed disrespectful to me. I know views are an important part of marketing and the earnings in the show, but even if said normally, it only hurts to know how people can just go ahead and use sexuality, something that people struggle with even today, considering the societal norms is really hurtful to me. I remember being 13, in my room while watching an episode of supernaturals (i kinda used to sneak out to watch it back in the days, even tho i kinda regret it now) on my bed, and just being so excited for the characters to end up together, only to be kicked in face so hard later on. At some point, I had a hard time, struggling to tell people about my sexuality, and especially my sisters who i idealise and love a lot, but when i really did come out, I was happier than I'd ever been. Only, the struggle isn't something I have forgotten till this day, the fear, the hurt, and the constant anxiety, it still remember how it felt. So queerbating has really not been so good for me over the years, not really. So if that's what the duffers end up doing in the show, it's gonna kind of ruin the one show i have been attached to since i was literally eight, for me. Not the entirety of it, but its gonna hurt nontheless, and i know it.

I’m not sure that my anecdote is perfectly aligned with the topics covered here, but as a trans woman who spent her childhood and teenage years as an isolated queer boy, the only way I felt able to engage with my community was through explicit content. That led me to some not great places and left me quite traumatized. Now, as an adult, queer media like Heartstopper and the recently released Young Hearts, let me experience a version of my childhood where I was not sexualized and fetishized. Mlm romantic media is the closest I can come to feeling what it would have been like to be loved at that time in my life. It does not free me of my past and experiences, rather it functions as a way for me to realize how deeply I’ve been hurt, and how awfully I’ve been treated. I avoid mlm stories that feel like they’re fetishizing gay men and it makes me deeply uncomfortable when I see queerness being reduced to strict top/bottom narratives that cater to the heteronormative ideals of sexual and relationship dynamics. It’s unfortunate that unabashed queerness is so taboo and uncomfortable for main mainstream audiences because it is that exact dismantling of patriarchal/heteronormative expectations that is so liberating. I hope that producers and fanfic writers as a whole can slowly move away from the tendencies presented in this video and start to present more honest expressions of love and sexuality unburdened by toxic norms. I have experienced first hand how harmful the fetishization of gay men can be, and I see in my every day life how badly that same patriarchal system harms all people queer and straight alike

In general I feel like no one will be happy no matter what the shows looks like because every show will not 100% reflect anyone elses experiences and that is great it just proves that everyone is not the same and that the community is diverse. I have seen for example so many people fight over the portrayal of gay guys as "oh he is too flamboyant, gay guy's are not all like that unrealistic. " But then I see someone point to another character like "he is too straight, not queer enough"... I am just like ok but I have met both of these type people in the community irl so maybe just maybe we can accept that everyone will be different and can't relate 100% to everything.

thank you for this video! I saw the critics in VerilyBitchie video and thought she had just missed the point of the show. I have only read the comics, where the questions about sexuality are very well documented and not at all glazed over. It's a great show to have in a hypersexualised panorama of queer productions. One important thing imo is that not one show can be perfect: we have to see how it fits into today's tendances. The thing is that Heartstopper is like no other show, it's not about teenagers being horny or anything usual, which means it should be cherished for its uniqueness.

Interesting that she uses the “we as queers are under siege” argument to say we should stop the “infighting”, and brushes the concerns of trans women aside “for time reasons” when she had the chance to actually address them, yet spends so much time talking about how trans masc and enbys are feeling excluded. It’s not really up for debate that trans women are the central target of todays far right push against queers, we are the ones demonised in the media, we are the ones meant to get hurt from the bans and laws, we are the ones with the highest suicide rates and lowest standards of living. And yet our voices and needs are so often not heard in the wider “queer community”. We have to painfully build up our own separate support structures and safespaces. All because cis women, trans masc and enbys refuse to question their deeply ingrained trans misogynistic beliefs and instead rather try to play "radical" and "deconstructive". Drag queens and poc women are claimed as icons to absolve them of how they leverage the privilege they have, but these do as much as land acknowledgements when the people behind those idols are not taken serious….

Excellent video.

This video was amazing! Thank you so much, its made me feel accepted as a femme trans man (also i had a few aha moments when you were quoting Amber Hollibaugh about doing makeup like a Drag Queen - which has been something I've heard from a lot of feminine trans men as part of their past before they realized they were trans and its really cool to see that's something that some fem(me)s/butchfems experience too! wow humans are cool! And also one of the femme trans men in your survey who was talking about feeling self hatred when his feminine interests jumped out but now he has excepted those parts of himself was very helpful for me too, mainly i am quite proud of who I am and my subversive femininity as a trans man, but somedays I get very mean to myself and hate how feminine the things I like are and worry no-one will see me as a man). Also your video made me realize I should really be looking for sources more than just accepting what tiktokers say point blank, mainly I do but its made me realize I've slipped into too much black and white thinking <3. Much love to the queer community and the myriad of ways labels intersect, we're in this fight together <3

I'm a hyper-feminine butch- we do exist. And fuck it I'm using that word even though most lesbians would yell at me for it. Because yes, I'm bisexual and I'm in a heterosexual relationship. I understand and respect why many would claim I have no right to use that label... But girls I love women just as much as the other queer can we please stop fighting? I identify as butch not because of something I put on for show but because it's simply my nature. For a long time I dreamed of being more "femme". More submissive, less assertive, more...passive. But blame sexual trauma, or just my personality, I'm an extremely assertive person and every time I've courted a woman I've always very naturally taken the more masculine role. It's not even a choice for me. It just happens to be that if I'm in love with a woman I want to be her "knight in shining armor" and protect her. I think it might be the child neglect that led me to being this way, maybe I act the way I wish my partner would act towards me, but honestly I'm like this in hetero relationships too. I've approached every man I've dated first and it's not even scary. If I want someone I'll find a way I guess...but I'm not attracted to butches, so it's also the sexual dynamic for me. I'm only really attracted to very feminine looking women and ideally my perfect female partner would be very girly and submissive. I'd never date a butch but they are my sisters and I see myself in them and with them. Some people forget that while in these communities there were a lot of women who in fact married hetero to conceal their lesbian identity, there were also a lot of bisexual women who were not recognized but we built this together. But yeah. I present very feminine because it's my way of owning my own femininity and turning this part of me that was used to abuse me into something beautiful. I love makeup and frills and dresses and if I were single and looking to date a girl I'd want her to dress like that too! She'd be my doll.

Thank you for this in-depth and inclusive look :-) Having at 40 only just begun to embrace my identity as a lesbian, I can get really intimidated by queer culture and ashamed about my lack of familiarity with it. Welcoming and positive theses such as this give me hope that I'll be able navigate this new understanding of myself and connect with others

The bigger issue for me regarding Mysaria's character is how they made a woman who made a career out of exploiting girls and women to the point of her earning the moniker Lady Misery, into a champion of the people. Just. Don't. Some people don't deserve redemption. Stop making clear cut monsters like Mysaria be relatable poor little meow meows.

Maybe I am missing something but this seems to have come out of nowhere for both characters involved. Neither character has shown intimacy towards each other before, let alone other women. Rhaenyra, in season one, was chasing after men. Daemon and Cole...then the true father of her sons. Mysaria was tied up with Daemon. Yet one deep conversation later and they are now suddenly both bisexual? Idk.. they needed to build towards this much more intentionally if it were to make sense.

Anyone who thinks Mysaria is somehow about to be a way better person for Rhaenyra than Daemon is deluding themselves. Mysaria wanted Daemon to protect her and lift her up while she was encouraging his worst behavior and selling his ass out all the while. She set him up more than once, enabled him to be his worst self and when he did exactly what she knew he would she was quick to turn a profit for it. But was somehow indignant AF when he turned around and did... basically the same thing to her? The woman used him for YEARS. Like be FR, you can't just ignore all of that. If you think Daemon used and abused Rhaenyra; well so has Mysaria. Mysaria didn't give a shit about how selling them out in the brothel would blow back on Rhaenyra; who was TRULY the innocent in all of that. If you think Daemon was using her that night, Mysaria tried to gain from that abuse herself too. It's different, but not better. And Mysaria continued to work against Rhaenyra's interests all the while by helping the greens overthrow her. The only reason Mysaria was able to "save Rhaenyra's life" was because she'd been helping to put her in danger for years. She didn't give a shit about any of that beyond what it did for her. To me this whole argument is moot. At the most we're arguing user vs user as ships here. IDC if someone doesn't like Daemyra but acting like Mysaria's somehow a vast improvement over Daemon to me is f**king clownish because she's not.

this is a very interesting and well researched video, thank you for this im so glad it ended up in my recommended

enlightening

Girlll, your voice is so powerful!

this video just voiced all my frustrations in fandom spaces and also gave me tips on how to write good sapphic fanfic heheheehe

I absolutely love this, this is the truth idc argue with the wall

Looking good OQ. I wonder how this all ties in with biology. We need a phenotype science. Yeah, I am struggling with my issues.

This video is honestly a breathe of fresh air, and I wish there was something like it for butch and masc identities. I explain to people that I'm masc and nonbinary, and somehow that's all invalidated by being bi and having long hair. How does that make any sense??

Wow, I love this video! I resonated with so much of this discourse. I am fervently anti-gatekeeping, and it was refreshing to hear a call to solidarity over the rampant infighting. Instead of judging other people, how about we ask (gentle) questions? That opens a door instead of closing one. Community is incredibly important and I want us all to have each other's backs. I also really liked hearing both the modern survey responses juxtaposed with more historical context. It's amazing that some of these conversations are decades and decades in the making. Already looking forward to your next video!

I'm very interested in feminine expression removed from the male gaze and the idea of constructing gender. The concept of femininity as a costume or as a form of drag does not resonate with me (a slightly andro, visibly queer femme lesbian, I've been called butchy femme) because for me its alllll about authenticity. I want people to look at me and immediately see me for who I am. Yes I do think of my appearance as a kind of art, but it has everything to do with my values and roles and sexual preferences. The statement of high femme "drag" among sapphics is something that I often find more intimidating than relatable, and that I associate with pillow princesses, but to each their own I guess. I'll mind my crunchy business. Basically I relate more to Willow Smith than Chappell Roan.

trans NB woman/femme: this video is very informative and affirming. femmephobia made me think i was cisgender, male and masculine; my strong leadership and high intellect made me think i wasn't capable of being femme. I'm so glad for femme theory, because it helped me unmask my femininity without feeling like a fraud.

Not all femmes struggle with invisibility, some femmes are hypervisible---transfemmes for example. I wish butchfemme discourse wasn't blind to the experiences of trans women who are butch or femme.

Really thorough and detailed video!!!! It broadened my perspective and helped me get answers to a few questions that I had before. Thank you for this!!!

my relationship with femininity is very muddy, being amab and nonbinary. i always liked things deemed feminine and never "grew out of it", i just found it impossible to access those things anymore. now i'm on my own i can do what i want and i'm coming back to reconsider some things. even throwing dysphoria out of the equation, i call myself nonbinary precisely because there is this supressed part of me that needs to get out. not sure if i will ever go beyond "transfem", which even that term i feel complicated towards, but this video def taught me a lot about what fem(me) can mean and it feels much closer now. idk i'm ranting also but anyway gonna go do my nails✨

im a feminine lesbian with a androgynous bisexual girlfriend, but ive felt so connected to the term and identity of femme. this video was very informative i learnt a lot- youre doing amazing work!

I love love love this. Thank you for this amazin, well researched video ❤

happy to say arcane season 2 delivered on uncensored lesbian desires. caitvi is so iconic

amazing video - so well researched with high quality sources!!! i’ve identified as a lesbian and as bisexual at different points in my life-as many queer women have-and the division between us is so forced. the feeling of being “erased” by a bi femme simply existing is based on this strange idea that bisexuals and lesbians are completely different species with separate histories… it is not so! sharing the femme identity with others in the queer community should not fill anyone with anger or shame. we all need to learn and listen to people in the present. my femmeness might differ from your femmeness, but we are femmes nonetheless !! also: your voice is very nice to listen to, your cadence kept me so focused 🤍!

That’s why I don’t like what the term "queer" has become. Everything you’ve said up until the point I’m watching (32:35) reflects what depresses me about the queer community today. As a femme lesbian, I’ve suffered and noticed a lot of lesbian erasure. Our spaces are no longer our own; it’s always about including someone else, and our sexuality is no longer seen as something innate and natural - it’s political, it’s about embracing someone else. But what about us? It seems like what you’re saying in this video is about erasing a term that’s historically been lesbian in order to include others. Again, how can you not see this as part of lesbian erasure? In terms of sexuality (LGB), lesbians are the smallest group. We’re often sexualized, oppressed, and live in a man’s world. It’s already hard enough being a lesbian in a man’s world, especially if you’re not attracted to masculinity (like me), and online, we’re often underrepresented. As I said, we’re expected to embrace other people’s sexuality and identities, but what about ours? What about our culture, our terms, our identities? I can’t interpret this as something positive, I’m sorry. I can’t help but feel that this kind of discourse is part of lesbian erasure. Ironically, at the end of the day, we’re expected to accept things. Be nice, kind, supportive, forgiving, and conforming. Always embrace others and put their needs first. Right? We’re women - that’s our "fate." (If anyone reads this, it’s obvious I’m being ironic).

tack!! i haven’t had the time to delve into the history and literature like you, but even when i have done quick searches after the online discourses annoyed me too much i could tell they weren’t really founded in anything! been ranting about this to my friends for what feels like weeks and now i’m happy to have this video, and all its sources, back me up!! <3

The issue isn't that they're lesbians, the issue is that Alicent is removing all the brains and motivations she's got so Rhaenyra can have all the mary sue moments. Maybe people hate this ship because it's ruining the plot we were promised and instead got several hours worth of fucking nonsense. Even a lesbian ship can suck.

this lecture boils down to finding historical justifications to allow bisexuals to further appropriate and dilute lesbian identities. as you said and as is fact: language evolves. lesbians are protecting their vernacular because of how our relationship with bisexuals has changed i our **current** social reality. pointing to the bygone era of butch bar dating scenes and the etymology of french gender vernacular is perpetuating the kind of ahistoric error historians and sociologists warn against

I think the homophobia for this scene was absolutely uncalled for but the scene itself was also uncalled for

Thank you so much for your final conclusion! Dear lord, WHY does it take so much preamble to get there?!? I’ve always struggled to be part of “the lesbian community,” (whatever that actually means,) because I first and foremost identify as autistic. I’ve NEVER understood how to identify gender and/or masculinity & femininity as more than neurotypical social constructs! I was born with a biological sex. Everything else is simply narratives and decor. I’m a cis-woman who is sexually attracted to and romantically interested in other women. I’m attracted to certain physical characteristics more than others just like ANYONE ELSE. Of any sexual orientation or gender presentation. And I have zero interest in describing them online. They’re called “personal preferences” for a reason. I don’t think about how I “present” on a daily basis. I wear my hair in a ponytail and don’t wear makeup. I choose clothing based on minimizing tactile hypersensitivities and what makes me feel happy. And…apparently these things that I’ve chosen for no other reason result in me “passing as straight,” and falling into “femme invisibility.” Which annoys the hell outta me. Cause, having to constantly come out and feel like wearing a like blinking sign that says “gay, single, and ready to mingle” in a bar gets REALLY OLD really fast. I also don’t want to change what I look like or how I enjoy dressing to meet someone else’s expectations. I mean, isn’t that supposed to be our perk? Freedom of expression without catering to the male gaze? Anyhow, there are times when I have a desire to do more than fish out the most comfortable looking clothes from my wardrobe. And this is why even as an older woman I find Chappell Roan such an inspiration and icon. Because 15 years ago (when I was younger and had far more energy,) I loved to let that facet of my personality shine. And no, it’s not who I wanted to be on a daily basis. Because six inch stilettos, false eyelashes, stage makeup, and intricate, handcrafted, exaggerated get-ups adorned in enough rhinestones and glitter to make Dolly Parton proud is NOT comfortable. But DAMN if it didn’t make me feel on top of the world for that evening. And I always remembered asking myself, “Can cis-women be drag queens?” Because when I was expressing that part of myself, I was 100% engaged in gender performance. Nothing about it was “false” or done for anyone’s enjoyment above mine. No, it’s not how I wanted to present all the time because it was A LOT of work. But it was as every bit an honest representation of myself as the “girl next door” I rolled out of bed every morning. I think knowing and learning about those who paved our paths are critically important. But, it’s 2024 and I don’t want a label. I default to queer because it’s short for “not straight and I don’t feel like explaining, otherwise.” But in an otherwise hostile political climate, I am deeply moved and hopeful by this enormous wave of sapphic women who’ve unapologetically broken into mainstream media. Like I said before, knowing and respecting history is important. But at the end of the day I don’t care how you identify or who you love. I’ll respect your choices cause y’all means all, folks. And though I’m older, have physical disabilities, and can’t go “all out” like I once did, I’ll always have a little drag queen inside my sapphic heart. And I know finally having representation will probably keep bring a tear or two to my eye for years to come. ❤

Great video but you make a lot of assumptions about the characters' intentions when doing one thing or another. Even if it is the way that it was intended to be perceived, we dont know that for certain and definitely should consider other possibilities, because we never actually see what is happening in the character's head at that moment.

Rriiiggghhhttt because Game of Thrones has never had gay characters. Because we didn't have the knight of the roses or all of Pedro Pascal in the original series...but of course...its an agena now....

Thank you for the explanation. I can now confidently say I don't want any part of this old school mess.

Oooo epicoo tkm

As a Fuffy shipper, it really surprises me that they made top 4 given Tillow's significance in fandom history.