I am so glad to see you. I am quite sure you don't cater only to my selfish needs but you have a way of both making me feel not alone in this journey and that its going to improve. I have really struggled with unmasking lately. Not successfully unmasking but having to deal with fall out of being unmasked. Our timelines are fairly similar but being retired I don't get to have to revert to masking as often so I think I am a little ahead of you. I have no idea how I could ever cope in an office unmasked. Its seems an absolute necessity. One thing I am discovering and its related to your "always wrong" theory. Yes. I am always wrong. Masked I feel like I also had a shell. A mask to project myself outwards and a shell to protect my feelings when things fly in my direction after making mistakes. I became pretty good at least challenging criticism and sometimes learning from it. But the shell disappeared with the mask. Every thing that hits me emotionally hits me unimpeded or unabsorbed. I feel like I am not yet 10 yrs old in dealing with criticism, rejection and being wrong. At first I loved sharing my thoughts, my interests, what I had learnt. And I met walls everywhere. Discomfort. Distrust. Incredulity. Heck sometimes honesty results in the feeling you should have lied. For the tiniest most meaningful thing. Everything is inferred or masticated and truth is digested as something other the absolute bloody harmless honest thing you are saying. If I was Shakespeare I would have written 1 play and the NT and ND versions would be totally different. One gem I have realized and much of what you say about getting things absolutely right, relates. We are desperate to hold on to loved ones, friends even receiving general tolerance by others. I am not anti-social. I just cannot do it successfully and going full drama, its heartbreaking. Even just with friendships. I have a wonderful supportive wife. So I am fortunate for the most vital companion. I have no idea how one can cope alone. Unmasked is certainly not an option. Blake Lively's treatment of that Swedish reporter is a classic example of people forgetting or pretending you are there. I just wish to be understood. I feel its my gateway to acceptance but I feel like everything I say is heard by ears with some kind of hitch hikers guide to galaxy ear translators. So I am beginning to consider going full masked again and deal with next burnout. But your thoughts and ptesence have added to my energy to rethink this and start questioning who is wrong. Sorry this became ventish Please know that you help and I am sure you realize its not just me. Thank you.
You have no reason to be sorry for not posting. I enjoy these peeks into your thoughts and how they are so similar to mine. One doesn't feel like they're the only one struggling with autism at an older age. I'm in my 50's. But most of all live you life the best you can. And give us these peeks when it works for you.
At 71 I also felt I got everything wrong my whole. Worked so hard to get things right. Didn't seem to get there. Then only 2 years I found out I had Aspergers. Now I am starting to understand. Bit of unraveling to do. I get totally where you are coming from. It is hard. Full time job for sure.
I'm so glad you found answers after a long time of feeling this way. I am finding a lot to unravel at 41, so I can imagine it must feel like a lot at 71. Wishing you happiness in your new discoveries 😊
Absolutely the same for me. I felt judged, excluded all my life. Always felt it is me, I have to do better, try harder. And at some point the feeling settled in "I am doing everything wrong, nothing is working out." Because even things I am extremely good at I feel everybody was criticizing me. I always have to do everything PERFECT and optimized, which makes it hard to even start tasks, because I am set up for failure. From listening to other autists it seems to be quite common.
So glad to see you back. Writing anything, a comment on youtube or reddit, at least half the time I just cancel it, as I ran out of energy to try and make it right. Writing at work, I can't just cancel it. But I rewrite them so many times. And then get told I'm cold in emails and it makes people think I wrote it with a bad tone.. But the extra unnecessary words feel awful and disingenuous. Or I feel like I have to explain every little thing so that everyone knows what I mean and then the email is 3 paragraphs long. Ugh. There is no right.
Oh I can't tell you how many emails I have written and almost sent before I realised that unless I put some niceties in the email then it looks like an abrupt list of instructions! I think my fear of getting it wrong makes me reread the email repeatedly and then go into my sent folder and read it again, just to be sure. It is very tiring.
always feeling wrong isn't good for us. it comes from communication trauma and from being marginalized. yes, we are consistently given messages that many things about us arent right. very important subject. masking drains our life force. I'm trying to get comfortable being a minority neurotype. we can work to build autistic pride and culture together.
Yes!! I totally agree with this. It is like death from a thousand paper cuts, but things are getting better all the time. It's a drum I'll keep beating!
I thought and thought and then thought some more about what to comment, just so I don't get it wrong, I almost gave up. So I totally understand and I do constantly feel just as you described. I really want to thank you for your videos as they are truly helping me see how some things are the way they are because I'm autistic and have ADHD. My mental health definitely hit rock bottom and I am struggling. So, thank you again 🙏💖
I'm glad they are helping. I am finding my way in the dark too and people commenting are so helpful for me too. So thank you for taking the time to comment ☺️
I wonder if it is part of that. But I also think that it's more complex than that, including that I feel wrong even when I'm not doing anything to be wrong about or be rejected for.
I am so glad to see you. I am quite sure you don't cater only to my selfish needs but you have a way of both making me feel not alone in this journey and that its going to improve.
I have really struggled with unmasking lately. Not successfully unmasking but having to deal with fall out of being unmasked. Our timelines are fairly similar but being retired I don't get to have to revert to masking as often so I think I am a little ahead of you. I have no idea how I could ever cope in an office unmasked. Its seems an absolute necessity.
One thing I am discovering and its related to your "always wrong" theory. Yes. I am always wrong. Masked I feel like I also had a shell. A mask to project myself outwards and a shell to protect my feelings when things fly in my direction after making mistakes. I became pretty good at least challenging criticism and sometimes learning from it. But the shell disappeared with the mask. Every thing that hits me emotionally hits me unimpeded or unabsorbed. I feel like I am not yet 10 yrs old in dealing with criticism, rejection and being wrong. At first I loved sharing my thoughts, my interests, what I had learnt. And I met walls everywhere. Discomfort. Distrust. Incredulity. Heck sometimes honesty results in the feeling you should have lied. For the tiniest most meaningful thing. Everything is inferred or masticated and truth is digested as something other the absolute bloody harmless honest thing you are saying. If I was Shakespeare I would have written 1 play and the NT and ND versions would be totally different.
One gem I have realized and much of what you say about getting things absolutely right, relates. We are desperate to hold on to loved ones, friends even receiving general tolerance by others. I am not anti-social. I just cannot do it successfully and going full drama, its heartbreaking. Even just with friendships. I have a wonderful supportive wife. So I am fortunate for the most vital companion. I have no idea how one can cope alone. Unmasked is certainly not an option. Blake Lively's treatment of that Swedish reporter is a classic example of people forgetting or pretending you are there.
I just wish to be understood. I feel its my gateway to acceptance but I feel like everything I say is heard by ears with some kind of hitch hikers guide to galaxy ear translators. So I am beginning to consider going full masked again and deal with next burnout. But your thoughts and ptesence have added to my energy to rethink this and start questioning who is wrong.
Sorry this became ventish
Please know that you help and I am sure you realize its not just me. Thank you.
We are definitely not alone. I'm glad these help you and your comments help me. I have felt much less on the outside since I started this 😊
You have no reason to be sorry for not posting. I enjoy these peeks into your thoughts and how they are so similar to mine. One doesn't feel like they're the only one struggling with autism at an older age. I'm in my 50's. But most of all live you life the best you can. And give us these peeks when it works for you.
Thank you 😊
At 71 I also felt I got everything wrong my whole. Worked so hard to get things right.
Didn't seem to get there. Then only 2 years I found out I had Aspergers. Now I am starting to
understand. Bit of unraveling to do.
I get totally where you are coming from. It is hard. Full time job for sure.
I'm so glad you found answers after a long time of feeling this way. I am finding a lot to unravel at 41, so I can imagine it must feel like a lot at 71. Wishing you happiness in your new discoveries 😊
Absolutely the same for me.
I felt judged, excluded all my life. Always felt it is me, I have to do better, try harder.
And at some point the feeling settled in "I am doing everything wrong, nothing is working out."
Because even things I am extremely good at I feel everybody was criticizing me.
I always have to do everything PERFECT and optimized, which makes it hard to even start tasks, because I am set up for failure.
From listening to other autists it seems to be quite common.
Ah yes the need to be perfect can be consuming. Constantly striving and never quite reaching it.
So glad to see you back. Writing anything, a comment on youtube or reddit, at least half the time I just cancel it, as I ran out of energy to try and make it right. Writing at work, I can't just cancel it. But I rewrite them so many times. And then get told I'm cold in emails and it makes people think I wrote it with a bad tone.. But the extra unnecessary words feel awful and disingenuous. Or I feel like I have to explain every little thing so that everyone knows what I mean and then the email is 3 paragraphs long. Ugh. There is no right.
Oh I can't tell you how many emails I have written and almost sent before I realised that unless I put some niceties in the email then it looks like an abrupt list of instructions! I think my fear of getting it wrong makes me reread the email repeatedly and then go into my sent folder and read it again, just to be sure. It is very tiring.
@@jax_tekabe chat GPT and other AI offerings like Goblin can take anything we write and make it polite/professional/more engaging.
This almost made me cry because I resonate so much to that feeling!
Big hugs! It's exhausting isn't it?
Gosh, this vlog totally resonates for me. Thank you so much.
Thank you for watching ☺️
Love you! I've always felt like if i can't sprint a marathon then I'm cooked. Turns out i was right.
always feeling wrong isn't good for us. it comes from communication trauma and from being marginalized. yes, we are consistently given messages that many things about us arent right. very important subject. masking drains our life force. I'm trying to get comfortable being a minority neurotype. we can work to build autistic pride and culture together.
Yes!! I totally agree with this. It is like death from a thousand paper cuts, but things are getting better all the time. It's a drum I'll keep beating!
I thought and thought and then thought some more about what to comment, just so I don't get it wrong, I almost gave up. So I totally understand and I do constantly feel just as you described. I really want to thank you for your videos as they are truly helping me see how some things are the way they are because I'm autistic and have ADHD. My mental health definitely hit rock bottom and I am struggling. So, thank you again 🙏💖
I'm glad they are helping. I am finding my way in the dark too and people commenting are so helpful for me too. So thank you for taking the time to comment ☺️
You don’t seem weird to me.
Thank you!
Could it possibly be a RSD Rejection sensitivity disphoria ?
I wonder if it is part of that. But I also think that it's more complex than that, including that I feel wrong even when I'm not doing anything to be wrong about or be rejected for.