I had a bit of a hard time getting the radical about face and inflection between 2 & 3. I wish she had given examples of what relying on others completely, or too much would look like. Esp. if heavily depressed or recently traumatized, when that could be at least temporarily appropriate for a limited time. Too much isolation is more obvious.
Have been isolating myself for too long. I have no idea how to maintain a stable relationship with anyone. It's hard to really be vulnerable, but maybe I can do this. Thank you for the video ♡
I totally understand the isolation. After being disappointed, hurt and let down many many times by loved ones it gets harder and harder to not pull away from others to protect yourself. I am still working on emotionally connecting to people and have a hard time really opening up.
😅 I want an A in therapy, totally get that. Most days I try to learn more and more about toxic families. It's like I want to know why. Trying to help myself to rationalize abuse backfires and I end up triggering myself instead. This video helps.
Isolation is a big one for me. I grew up in a very dysfunctional and violent family. The society around me is one of the safest on the planet. I have lived a very different life to most people around me, not to mention I feel in many ways like an old soul and a lot of times I feel like 2023 is just a distant past. That I'm stuck in this time and place where I don't belong. Thankfully I found a friend 10 years ago that we talk on the phone weekly and meet sometimes live. I wish I could find my people but I don't want people to go through what I had to growing up. I wish I could someday feel somehow less alien in this world.
Honestly, distracting is how I've learned to cope since I was a child, and it actually benefits me. I've turned to my work as a writer to distract, I play video games for days. And if I hadn't, I would've gotten self-destructive and seriously spiraled because of my habit of rumination. Distracting a lot has actually saved me from hurting myself or taking my life, especially when I'm overloaded as an autistic person and being around someone else would cause me to have a meltdown (so I think some of this advice may not apply for autistics, especially isolating when overloaded, which is something I have to do or I'll lash out and it'll get worse). I'll stop distracting when I start to feel better because I won't need to. I've definitely distracted so I don't have to face certain situations or emotions, but my mental health diagnoses are so severe that it's better if I DO distract instead of imploding. My counselor actually has encouraged me to play more video games, because it has saved me from myself and it lifts my mood. I still address things in therapy later, but I think for some people, as long as they're aware of what they're doing, and why they're distracting to cope, that self-awareness can make it okay to do it :)
Yea, I have anxiety, depression, PTSD and OCD…my psychologist actually recommended I try to distract myself sometimes because I get so stuck in my head and fixate on graphic disturbing memories. So maybe it depends on the diagnosis.
I am also autistic and I don't know what I would do if I couldn't constantly distract myself. I don't have self destructive tendencies but I probably would without distractions. I also absolutely have to isolate myself. I would definitely be suicidal if I couldn't. I'm extremely introverted and any amount of social activity, even texting, results in the need for down time/isolation. I understand that these things can be dangerous for others but I can't survive without them.
When I was in a mental health program, I used to get triggered by EVERYTHING! My case manager gave me a step by step instruction sheet. Basically, it was color two coloring pages or draw a new one. If I have to leave the group room, draw or color again and have a dance break if that doesn't work. I don't need to color as much as I used to, but the dancing still works when I'm upset. Dad told me that exercise is therapy for the body.
I really like the idea that sometimes we outgrow coping skills. It is kind of like taking medication that works for a long time and then stops working so a change is needed.
The bit about shopping as coping was just 🤯 I online shop a lot when I'm feeling down and then usually stop myself from going through and buying things. I hadn't realized that that buying new products does help you feel in control of your situation, but for me going through the steps of thinking about some new items, picturing them in my life, and then making the decision that I don't actually need them really affirms that I have agency. Maybe that isn't as unhealthy as I thought? Thanks for this video!
I’ve read and seen much about shopping as a coping skill. I’ve seen people do it - strangely, how that plays out I’ve felt. Because it doesn’t make you happy, right? Last two years I’ve been going through A LOT. Health and much more. That has changed me. So much that I jumped when I read your comment here. I never realised that the shopping that I’ve begun to do - not much, but still, a lot of window shopping - might have been just this: a coping mechanism. I thought I knew this, and I did. But apparently I’m on the opposite side now,.. 😕
Really heartened you mentioned the A-in-therapy concept. I've sent a song to mastering for my next album that imagines me at a visit to a RUclips therapist (loose composite of you, Heidi Priebe, and a few others). In it, I have difficulty, among other things, doing assignments because the therapist pool is first winnowed by who likes/tolerates academia, and pressure to perform academically was one of the big things for me growing up (I'm a government lawyer by day). So therapy's packaging of help triggers me. "I'm neuroplastic, so you say, As I walk on my anxiety Champs Elysees To preserve myself, I must decline your homework day For flashbacks of when I would get less than an A"
A very important one that I almost never hear is laughing on your own problems. I do this alll the time when I'm telling someone how I feel even my therapist and psychiatrist which makes my feelings and anxiety seem lighter because I hate to feel uncomfortable or make the other person feel uncomfortable so I joke about it to the point that I almost feel that no one takes me seriously. I know its my problem but if I don't joke about, I will never say it
Thank you so much for this! As a previous shopaholic I truly needed to hear this at this time as I’m an anxious/ avoidant trying to get over the past hurt with a partner during separation & it’s so hard! I’m afraid that if I don’t get over this past hurt then I won’t be able to move forward with my person. I have problems with each category on this subject & starting therapy soon to get help so that I can get thru this dark cloud and see the light @ the end of the tunnel 🙏🏽🥴
I really needed this right now. Just going through a disagreement with a couple of friends where honestly I think every person's part in it has become way out of proportion and we're now not even hurt by the original dispute anymore, but by the various ways we've failed to resolve that incident. Trying to cope with the emotional impact of that, while also dealing with the rational side of resolving it, and find the balance between reaching out to apologise/discuss vs. giving people space, is the least happy I've been in a while.
In my experience sharing mental health information with anybody who is not a professional is a trap. Normal people do anything to avoid stress. So the more they care the less likely they'll be comfortable interacting with you moving forward. For a lot of people just knowing someone they care about has an ongoing internal struggle is overwhelming stressful. I suspect some are even afraid of making a situation worse. I applaud those of you who can rely on "friends" or "family" but I'm here to warn the rest of you this is flawed advice. Talk to your PCP or a therapist, not anyone you wish to continue social interaction. I believed this fallacy and one by one everyone I confided in vanished. 30+ people who told me they loved me and promised to be there anytime I needed to talk. I did not overshare or burden anyone with my bullshit. I honestly believed they wanted to hear about it. Now i spend 365 days a year alone in a house with 4 other people(family). The only coping skill I use is distraction and that has extended my life 28 years beyond my desire for it to be over.
Wow, it never occurred to me that all the friends who disappeared did so because my issues simply made them uncomfortable. I assumed much worse ideas. This statement was actually really helpful for my self esteem. Thank you, sincerely. And yeah, you’re totally right. It can be so frustrating when therapists and books tell you you need social support but then your social group wants to hear none of it and abandons you instead. Most therapists are clueless about how the real world works.
I'm on the same page as you. Normal people will do anything to avoid feeling upset including ignoring everything negative like loved ones who are feeling upset. I've had more people get annoyed or mad at me for feeling anxious or sad, having a panic attack, whatever. I'm even almost 28, just live with my parents, don't go out except for therapy, and just distract all day to ensure I stay alive, basically. Sooo at least you're not alone? 😅 I know that likely helps very minimally, if you're anything like me lol.
Distraction and isolation are my go to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes i find myself using these not when ive been triggered by a situation but i predict a lack of safety everywhere. Which of course isn't great. Ive been moving through it pretty well with journaling, dancing, feeling my body etc
True the hunt is way more exciting than obtaining the object desired. I’ve heard this from family members also. We like the research and process more than getting the thing. It’s about the journey. Not the destination.
I'm near the opposite to a few of those. I have to really push myself to eat, lost a lot of weight and am still struggling not to lose the 6 pounds I managed to gain back. I had to make it like a job just to stop losing and reverse it a tad. At around 109 again, and pretty much everyone tells me I'm far too thin at 56. I wish I could watch series. Have a bear of a time engaging w/ anything. I managed to watch the last season of Yellowstone, but really had to work at it and could take 3 hours to get through some of the episodes. Or had to watch then again to properly retain. It's been a helluva a hell year after getting cheated on, and in a spectacularly cruel way.
I Iove watching you grow as a Therapist! You are much more authentic and grounded it seems nowadays. I’m sorry you went through your ‘season of growth’ but glad to see you honored it and went inward. It shows ❤❤
I’ve tried the distracting thing as a way of numbing how I feel or avoiding it. But now, I’m trying to be comfortable with expressing how I feel, which hasn’t been easy because I’m so used to brushing my feelings and problems aside and telling myself to suck it up and get over it and that it’s not important how I feel. I used to rely on others a lot, but now I’ve gotten so good at self coping that I don’t allow myself to ask for help and support, even though I do want to be validated. I also don’t allow myself to cry, just because of societies rules, and norms. I feel like there’s a stigma when it comes to showing emotions or crying.
Rumination has been a big / tough one for me to break free from.... But I am recognizing it, and am able to stop it, if even for a little while. I just have to keep reminding myself, that in most cases, it's not doing any good, and is instead wasting my time/energy/adding more stress.
This is exactly what I needed at this point of time. Because I am trying to work on myself and the things you are saying are going on in my head and may be I just needed a reassurance and throw a little light, you did the same. I have veen following you and your videos are really helping. They are so raw and I can connect with them. So thank you.
I have been following your channel in RUclips, your Podcasts and even bought Traumatized in Audible (great book by the way). Keep doing what you’re doing!
The most difficult one for me is Ruminating on past upsets and events. I know forgiveness is vital but how does one let go or not ruminate on past upsets/events/abuse when you have to deal with the physical and or mental damage on a daily basis that was done by past abuse????? Its like for example, everyday I wake up and then have to deal with sever pain, PTSD, learning disabilities or a host of other issues caused by physical/mental damage done to me as a child. It sucks especially when you see the perpetrators having a great life.
I can understand this feeling. Really difficult to heal form all these.. The things that I find helpful is spending time without children, young adults and cats. When I laugh and love a lot, I forget all my past trauma. Try it. ❤
@@user-q992 not that easy, having to deal with lots of medical issues and medications because of the past abuse. My own counselors have told me that they have never seen a case like mine.
It's hard to do the "more effective" thing when I'm so apathetic about my future and don't want to change who I am by coping healthily. It's hard for me not to see mental wellness as lame. I know that's irrational, trust me. It's caused a lot of therapists to go "Well, I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself" and accuse me of not trying hard enough or not wanting to feel better at all.
I keep watching your videos, which all make a lot of sense, & feeling totally let down by my therapists!! I've never found a therapist who says any of this, or guides me to do anything like this. I wonder if therapy in the UK is just not like this, or if I've just picked some really crap therapists?
You might like Dr. Scott Eilers as well. He's a newer channel that a lot of people really seem to be relating well too. He had severe depression when younger and really turned it around, so he's not just spouting text book stuff and never condescends to his audience. It also sweetens the deal for me anyways, that's he's very easy to look at.
Thanks, Dr Kati Alot, You have been a big source of information that helped me a lot during my healing journey. I would ask you to make us a video about coping with the current events and news that affect our mental health especially what heppens in Palastine.
Ooof. I constantly distract myself, isolate, and ruminate. Like that’s basically my daily schedule lol And on special days, I overspend! 😂 I’ve been better about that lately though. I have long done the ghost cart shopping - fill the cart with stuff I want, then ghost it. 😉
I wish there were specific things for people who have a connection with pain and depression, because it changes my ability to communicate when I’m in pain and I just talk about the pain, have a lot of anxiety over when it will stop. If on the other hand if were clear people understood what was going on when that happens, it would make it stop. So it’s like a fear of being misunderstood while in pain. And then hiding from people when I’m going through it. 😅 Works like crap, honestly.
My own therapy is sort of on hold a bit because my wife and I started couples therapy with my therapist. The hard part is that she is now, finally, doing one-on-one with him more, which is (in my opinion) long overdue. I feel like my life is on hold now, waiting for her to start truly being healed, and thus, realize she should never have been with me in the first place. My therapist has said multiple times that she might come to this conclusion. It was 2 traumatized people who got married, and created way more trauma.
Well I was anxious leaning secure and my ex avoidant leaning secure. My life was amazing and then I got severely disability and chronically ill from on day to another. I had to give up everything, quit my job and Im bed bound now. I started to get even more anxious triggering my partner and then we went down in the spiral. I tried to find out whats wrong and help us also fix our problems like I always did but she wouldn't communicate with me. She didnt want to work on herself and wasnt ready for therapy either. She then just left me and my world crushed! Its been 4 months and im still ruminating thinking I should've done better and what if its all my fault? And why did it have to end like this? Im so scared and alone now with my illnesses. She was the love of my life, my entire world and I would've done everything for her! How am I supposed to be happy without her?
I have never found a therapist that could explain things to me so that I can do things. I cannot think of these things on my own I honestly can't I am so overwhelmed and so nervous I have such cptsd anxiety health issues with lupus that I am overwhelmed completely. I don't know what the hell to do or where to start it's easier said than done but if I do not visually see it or I'm told step by step. I really need my handheld completely. Because I can remember when I would be able to slow my brain down and do more things but now I've had more trauma in the past 13 years then I know what the f***to do anymore. I just do things in order to get them done wash my sheets make food put trash in the pick up the recycling I put on the floor take a shower go to work take a shower when I get home hopefully I made some meals ahead of time but if I did it find something in the fridge that's easy. I have succumbed to being addicted to my phone of watching videos of homesteading and whatever else nothing perverted. And I'm trying to do my best. I don't know how to communicate really one-on-one I'm a good listener but I don't have anything fun going on in my life I don't know what's normal to talk about. I don't have anything exciting going on. I'm just overwhelmed. I'm working 6 days a week right now because for the next 2 months I'm working an extra day so that I can pay for oil. The only time I feel energetic is when I'm working in my yard. Because my home is so overwhelming I just don't know how to find the right counselor I've had counselors that have no clue what the hell to do and I listen to you and some other people and I'm like why didn't they say that to me like what is my problem finding a proper counselor. I had one recommended to me and she is arrested in jail for insurance fraud. I'm like are you serious. I had another one who put me on a medication that I literally was puking bile and she wasn't returning my phone phone calls. I gave it a chance for 2 weeks and I couldn't do it anymore. I am so over people not listening to me. And I feel like I have to fight for everything my doctor didn't listen to me when I told her I said I think I have either Lyme's disease or lupus and it was lupus. But they didn't want to listen tome so I asked for a referral and guess what it was lupus. And then I told my doctor that something was completely wrong I was having really horrific body aches and mood swings and it was my hormones. Then I'm telling my doctor that something's wrong I just no I have hypothyroidism I just know it I have all the symptoms pretty much we do a blood test yep I have hypothyroidism I feel like I'm like psychotic and psychic at the same time do I want all this stuff know please I don't want to take any more pills I want to be able to not have pain I want to be able to not have fatigue but nobody listens to me and it takes me forever to say something because I'm panicked and I'm afraid that something's wrong so I don't bother with it and I wait longer and longer and longer and then it's worse and worse and worse andwe find out I have a nodule on my thyroid. Then I told the doctor I'm itchy down below guess what she said it was vaginitis or a venereal disease I'm like I'm like the Virgin Mary right now seriously well then they did an ultrasound and they found a fibroid I said well I want to go to my gynecologist oh no you don't need to well guess what it was a pile up in the entrance that was causing my itchiness. I didn't have any discharge or any smell I know I'm being TMI but nobody listen to me and they actually told me not to go to my gynecologist I'm like are you serious. Oh and by the way we found out I had a system of my ovary I'm like great something else to add to my stupid list of problems. That I never wanted and I don't need. But if I didn't advocate for myself and stand up for myself nobody else would. And I'm aggressive about it and I've calmed down about it but I'm aggressive because I've gotten to the escalation of panic. Now I believe something's really wrong because it's happening too many times or it's a constant and when you tell somebody they believe oh this is just happening once or twice you know know this is been constant for this amount of time. Well why did you wait because I didn't want it to happen I didn't want to have this but guess what I'm facing reality and I'm facing a panic so just listen to me and let's try to fix it or tone it down or something. I had a doctor that told me I can't help you I'm like really I mean it was a counselor but I was like really and then I went to a psychiatrist who was trying to give me medication barely asked me any questions and just decided to give me the new fad I was like no I want you to research and think about this more like this is my life. I'd rather pay for another appointment to discuss my options and the reason why you chose this medice
I never been to thephay before I am too broke to go one I even don’t know hardly anyone about thephay I learned a little some from your channel here but I don’t have any copping skills to do and which ones might help me I recently lost my dad back in the end of September 2023 I ended up constantly texting my dad and asking him if he is okay pain wise because cancer took him and that I loved him and then after i realized that he wasn’t here no more then I would just break down out of middle of nowhere like a ton of bricks if you have any ideas let me know etc…
Could "retail therapy" also stem from our brain feeling excited/stimulated at seeing new things/colors/etc? We tend to see the same old things day after day.
I think so. I get like this, TBH, and get excited to see those items in my basket and paid for. After a while with seeing them at home, the look of the items can get "boring," (I especially get thise from Bath and Body Works), and so it's like you're find the next "hit," and you get that with seeing new items. I wonder if someone is more likely to experience this if they were once in poverty, or in situation where they were denied the items, although it was somethign they really wanted (or maybe even needed) to have. So now that they are finally able to get it, it provides a sense of pride and relief.
Really though this video is perfectly timed. I've been looking for new ways to cope and move forward, and this video perfectly highlights some of the least helpful ways I cope right now. Thank you so much for this!
@@S.G.W.VerbeekWhy change a proven method that has been successful for me. If I avoid others, they are not there there to remind me of what I am trying to cope with in my life. Avoidance of others is an excellent coping method.
@indridcold8433 I know. I do the same. Sometimes, I (im)prove myself by facing others even when my intuition tells me that it is going to be uncomfortable🙄😒😔🫤 Why bother? I do not need to prove myself to anyone. Avoiding does wonders 😊
It's unsettling to not trust almost(not all) of Dad's family(one of his brothers is untrustworthy/verbally sexually abusive). Dad is worse than this one brother. Dad expects me to put up and shut up about the abuse. That will not happen. Their(now, late) mother told me to "have a sense of humor" Nothing was funny. I felt isolated, abandoned and betrayed by her for defending the uncle. Pathetic grandmother!
Hello , thank you for your videos, i want to ask you about how can i stop eating or thinking about it i have binge eating 4 years ago iam now in college i can't focus in my college it affect me so much , I can't go to doctor, please reply me , and how can i contact you to tell you details
Was 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 contemplating the parameters of "shopoholic" person behavior (been undergoing P.T.S.D. therapy in recent months) and with that note must needs bes getting back to work. Thank-you and stay well! ✌😷👍
1. Constact distraction
2. Isolation
3. Completely relying on others
4. Rumination
5. Over spending while shopping
6. Having too many coping skills
Thank you!
I had a bit of a hard time getting the radical about face and inflection between 2 & 3. I wish she had given examples of what relying on others completely, or too much would look like. Esp. if heavily depressed or recently traumatized, when that could be at least temporarily appropriate for a limited time. Too much isolation is more obvious.
I ruminate; it causes heartburn!
Great😮💨🙄😒 I have aaaaaallll six of them😑
Have been isolating myself for too long. I have no idea how to maintain a stable relationship with anyone. It's hard to really be vulnerable, but maybe I can do this. Thank you for the video ♡
Same😢
Me too. Have been hiding in my apartments since 2016
Start really small and work your way up.
I totally understand the isolation. After being disappointed, hurt and let down many many times by loved ones it gets harder and harder to not pull away from others to protect yourself. I am still working on emotionally connecting to people and have a hard time really opening up.
I feel the same way in my personal life. My most meaninful connections are “at arms length” with people at work.
😅 I want an A in therapy, totally get that. Most days I try to learn more and more about toxic families. It's like I want to know why. Trying to help myself to rationalize abuse backfires and I end up triggering myself instead. This video helps.
I totally get that... ugh :( We can want to make sense of it... even though there's no sense to be made. xoxo
Isolation is a big one for me. I grew up in a very dysfunctional and violent family. The society around me is one of the safest on the planet. I have lived a very different life to most people around me, not to mention I feel in many ways like an old soul and a lot of times I feel like 2023 is just a distant past. That I'm stuck in this time and place where I don't belong. Thankfully I found a friend 10 years ago that we talk on the phone weekly and meet sometimes live. I wish I could find my people but I don't want people to go through what I had to growing up. I wish I could someday feel somehow less alien in this world.
Honestly, distracting is how I've learned to cope since I was a child, and it actually benefits me. I've turned to my work as a writer to distract, I play video games for days. And if I hadn't, I would've gotten self-destructive and seriously spiraled because of my habit of rumination. Distracting a lot has actually saved me from hurting myself or taking my life, especially when I'm overloaded as an autistic person and being around someone else would cause me to have a meltdown (so I think some of this advice may not apply for autistics, especially isolating when overloaded, which is something I have to do or I'll lash out and it'll get worse). I'll stop distracting when I start to feel better because I won't need to. I've definitely distracted so I don't have to face certain situations or emotions, but my mental health diagnoses are so severe that it's better if I DO distract instead of imploding. My counselor actually has encouraged me to play more video games, because it has saved me from myself and it lifts my mood. I still address things in therapy later, but I think for some people, as long as they're aware of what they're doing, and why they're distracting to cope, that self-awareness can make it okay to do it :)
Yea, I have anxiety, depression, PTSD and OCD…my psychologist actually recommended I try to distract myself sometimes because I get so stuck in my head and fixate on graphic disturbing memories. So maybe it depends on the diagnosis.
I am also autistic and I don't know what I would do if I couldn't constantly distract myself. I don't have self destructive tendencies but I probably would without distractions. I also absolutely have to isolate myself. I would definitely be suicidal if I couldn't. I'm extremely introverted and any amount of social activity, even texting, results in the need for down time/isolation. I understand that these things can be dangerous for others but I can't survive without them.
Feel like I thrive better in isolation and being in a relationship hasn’t helped me in the past
When I was in a mental health program, I used to get triggered by EVERYTHING! My case manager gave me a step by step instruction sheet. Basically, it was color two coloring pages or draw a new one. If I have to leave the group room, draw or color again and have a dance break if that doesn't work. I don't need to color as much as I used to, but the dancing still works when I'm upset. Dad told me that exercise is therapy for the body.
I really like the idea that sometimes we outgrow coping skills. It is kind of like taking medication that works for a long time and then stops working so a change is needed.
I find I isolate more when I feel everyone around me is a huge user, no matter how much I reach out to different people.
The bit about shopping as coping was just 🤯 I online shop a lot when I'm feeling down and then usually stop myself from going through and buying things. I hadn't realized that that buying new products does help you feel in control of your situation, but for me going through the steps of thinking about some new items, picturing them in my life, and then making the decision that I don't actually need them really affirms that I have agency. Maybe that isn't as unhealthy as I thought? Thanks for this video!
I’ve read and seen much about shopping as a coping skill. I’ve seen people do it - strangely, how that plays out I’ve felt. Because it doesn’t make you happy, right?
Last two years I’ve been going through A LOT. Health and much more. That has changed me. So much that I jumped when I read your comment here. I never realised that the shopping that I’ve begun to do - not much, but still, a lot of window shopping - might have been just this: a coping mechanism.
I thought I knew this, and I did. But apparently I’m on the opposite side now,.. 😕
Love your content, to the point and clear.
It's too easy to get stuck especially when you're down and tired.. But we gotta keep trying to get unstuck and into a better state of being.
Really heartened you mentioned the A-in-therapy concept. I've sent a song to mastering for my next album that imagines me at a visit to a RUclips therapist (loose composite of you, Heidi Priebe, and a few others). In it, I have difficulty, among other things, doing assignments because the therapist pool is first winnowed by who likes/tolerates academia, and pressure to perform academically was one of the big things for me growing up (I'm a government lawyer by day). So therapy's packaging of help triggers me.
"I'm neuroplastic, so you say,
As I walk on my anxiety Champs Elysees
To preserve myself, I must decline your homework day
For flashbacks of when I would get less than an A"
A very important one that I almost never hear is laughing on your own problems. I do this alll the time when I'm telling someone how I feel even my therapist and psychiatrist which makes my feelings and anxiety seem lighter because I hate to feel uncomfortable or make the other person feel uncomfortable so I joke about it to the point that I almost feel that no one takes me seriously. I know its my problem but if I don't joke about, I will never say it
Uf! Guilty of all of them!! (GAD, depression, ED) I'm starting a new therapy soon, hope that helps! 🙏 thank you kati for all your work!❤
Thank you so much for this! As a previous shopaholic I truly needed to hear this at this time as I’m an anxious/ avoidant trying to get over the past hurt with a partner during separation & it’s so hard! I’m afraid that if I don’t get over this past hurt then I won’t be able to move forward with my person. I have problems with each category on this subject & starting therapy soon to get help so that I can get thru this dark cloud and see the light @ the end of the tunnel 🙏🏽🥴
Of course! I am so glad you found it helpful :) xoxo I am glad you're starting therapy soon too! That will really help you heal :) xox
I really needed this right now. Just going through a disagreement with a couple of friends where honestly I think every person's part in it has become way out of proportion and we're now not even hurt by the original dispute anymore, but by the various ways we've failed to resolve that incident. Trying to cope with the emotional impact of that, while also dealing with the rational side of resolving it, and find the balance between reaching out to apologise/discuss vs. giving people space, is the least happy I've been in a while.
In my experience sharing mental health information with anybody who is not a professional is a trap. Normal people do anything to avoid stress. So the more they care the less likely they'll be comfortable interacting with you moving forward. For a lot of people just knowing someone they care about has an ongoing internal struggle is overwhelming stressful. I suspect some are even afraid of making a situation worse. I applaud those of you who can rely on "friends" or "family" but I'm here to warn the rest of you this is flawed advice. Talk to your PCP or a therapist, not anyone you wish to continue social interaction. I believed this fallacy and one by one everyone I confided in vanished. 30+ people who told me they loved me and promised to be there anytime I needed to talk. I did not overshare or burden anyone with my bullshit. I honestly believed they wanted to hear about it. Now i spend 365 days a year alone in a house with 4 other people(family). The only coping skill I use is distraction and that has extended my life 28 years beyond my desire for it to be over.
Wow, it never occurred to me that all the friends who disappeared did so because my issues simply made them uncomfortable. I assumed much worse ideas. This statement was actually really helpful for my self esteem. Thank you, sincerely.
And yeah, you’re totally right. It can be so frustrating when therapists and books tell you you need social support but then your social group wants to hear none of it and abandons you instead. Most therapists are clueless about how the real world works.
I totally agree, you are not alone in feeling this way
I'm on the same page as you. Normal people will do anything to avoid feeling upset including ignoring everything negative like loved ones who are feeling upset. I've had more people get annoyed or mad at me for feeling anxious or sad, having a panic attack, whatever. I'm even almost 28, just live with my parents, don't go out except for therapy, and just distract all day to ensure I stay alive, basically. Sooo at least you're not alone? 😅 I know that likely helps very minimally, if you're anything like me lol.
Distraction and isolation are my go to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sometimes i find myself using these not when ive been triggered by a situation but i predict a lack of safety everywhere. Which of course isn't great. Ive been moving through it pretty well with journaling, dancing, feeling my body etc
True the hunt is way more exciting than obtaining the object desired. I’ve heard this from family members also. We like the research and process more than getting the thing. It’s about the journey. Not the destination.
My coping skills are isolating myself, eat lots of food, and watch series. I overthink a lot as well.
I'm near the opposite to a few of those. I have to really push myself to eat, lost a lot of weight and am still struggling not to lose the 6 pounds I managed to gain back. I had to make it like a job just to stop losing and reverse it a tad. At around 109 again, and pretty much everyone tells me I'm far too thin at 56. I wish I could watch series. Have a bear of a time engaging w/ anything. I managed to watch the last season of Yellowstone, but really had to work at it and could take 3 hours to get through some of the episodes. Or had to watch then again to properly retain. It's been a helluva a hell year after getting cheated on, and in a spectacularly cruel way.
I Iove watching you grow as a Therapist! You are much more authentic and grounded it seems nowadays. I’m sorry you went through your ‘season of growth’ but glad to see you honored it and went inward. It shows ❤❤
I sometimes isolate to protect myself: that is helpful.
I do it for many years
I’ve tried the distracting thing as a way of numbing how I feel or avoiding it. But now, I’m trying to be comfortable with expressing how I feel, which hasn’t been easy because I’m so used to brushing my feelings and problems aside and telling myself to suck it up and get over it and that it’s not important how I feel. I used to rely on others a lot, but now I’ve gotten so good at self coping that I don’t allow myself to ask for help and support, even though I do want to be validated. I also don’t allow myself to cry, just because of societies rules, and norms. I feel like there’s a stigma when it comes to showing emotions or crying.
i relate to this so much!!!
Rumination has been a big / tough one for me to break free from.... But I am recognizing it, and am able to stop it, if even for a little while.
I just have to keep reminding myself, that in most cases, it's not doing any good, and is instead wasting my time/energy/adding more stress.
Wise and Skillfully done. Lots of dialectics and wise mind observations of even a few of my target behaviors. So thank you! ☺️
Yay! And of course, so glad you found it helpful!! xoxo
Yep, I've done all of these over the years.
Can you Plz talk about body language in therapy’ and how most therapist understand their clients .
Good advice. I'm finding as life changes and improves to before, my behaviours have to change.
I realized I have a ton of childhood trauma that is affecting my relationships profoundly that I didn't even realize. I need to fix myself
This is exactly what I needed at this point of time. Because I am trying to work on myself and the things you are saying are going on in my head and may be I just needed a reassurance and throw a little light, you did the same. I have veen following you and your videos are really helping. They are so raw and I can connect with them. So thank you.
I have been following your channel in RUclips, your Podcasts and even bought Traumatized in Audible (great book by the way). Keep doing what you’re doing!
I really love DBT check list worksheet to go back to because I wouldn’t know alternatives for myself to switch up when it gets too much of a routine.
The most difficult one for me is Ruminating on past upsets and events. I know forgiveness is vital but how does one let go or not ruminate on past upsets/events/abuse when you have to deal with the physical and or mental damage on a daily basis that was done by past abuse????? Its like for example, everyday I wake up and then have to deal with sever pain, PTSD, learning disabilities or a host of other issues caused by physical/mental damage done to me as a child. It sucks especially when you see the perpetrators having a great life.
THIS
I can understand this feeling. Really difficult to heal form all these.. The things that I find helpful is spending time without children, young adults and cats. When I laugh and love a lot, I forget all my past trauma. Try it. ❤
@@user-q992 not that easy, having to deal with lots of medical issues and medications because of the past abuse. My own counselors have told me that they have never seen a case like mine.
It's hard to do the "more effective" thing when I'm so apathetic about my future and don't want to change who I am by coping healthily. It's hard for me not to see mental wellness as lame.
I know that's irrational, trust me. It's caused a lot of therapists to go "Well, I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself" and accuse me of not trying hard enough or not wanting to feel better at all.
It sounds like you need to be asked why you would want to punish yourself by staying stuck.
This was really good, Kati. It was very helpful.
Yk it really sucks that people say that you’re not a real therapist! I think ure good
I keep watching your videos, which all make a lot of sense, & feeling totally let down by my therapists!! I've never found a therapist who says any of this, or guides me to do anything like this. I wonder if therapy in the UK is just not like this, or if I've just picked some really crap therapists?
You might like Dr. Scott Eilers as well. He's a newer channel that a lot of people really seem to be relating well too. He had severe depression when younger and really turned it around, so he's not just spouting text book stuff and never condescends to his audience. It also sweetens the deal for me anyways, that's he's very easy to look at.
@@saintejeannedarc9460 thanks for the recommendation - I will check him out 💚
Thanks, Dr Kati Alot, You have been a big source of information that helped me a lot during my healing journey.
I would ask you to make us a video about coping with the current events and news that affect our mental health especially what heppens in Palastine.
I've been doing this for a while now. I put things in a shopping cart to calm myself down and then close it without buying the things. xD
Ooof. I constantly distract myself, isolate, and ruminate. Like that’s basically my daily schedule lol And on special days, I overspend! 😂 I’ve been better about that lately though. I have long done the ghost cart shopping - fill the cart with stuff I want, then ghost it. 😉
Great insights Katie!! ❤ Thank you as always. 😊
Nice work, Kati-BigPhatThanks🙏🏾
I love buying fidget toys, squishmallows, affirmation cards and stickers to make posters with. I love retail therapy ❤❤❤
I love this video a lot. Is it possible to create one that focuses more on cptsd and healthy coping skills for highly traumatized individuals?
I wish there were specific things for people who have a connection with pain and depression, because it changes my ability to communicate when I’m in pain and I just talk about the pain, have a lot of anxiety over when it will stop. If on the other hand if were clear people understood what was going on when that happens, it would make it stop. So it’s like a fear of being misunderstood while in pain. And then hiding from people when I’m going through it. 😅 Works like crap, honestly.
Hi there Kati :) would you happen to have a list of Journaling Prompts? I just started journaling yesterday :) thank you!
Crochet, knitting, doing crafts, baking, biking....
Isolating does wonders when you feel the need for it genuinely. Everybody is different.
Love your channel:)
My own therapy is sort of on hold a bit because my wife and I started couples therapy with my therapist. The hard part is that she is now, finally, doing one-on-one with him more, which is (in my opinion) long overdue. I feel like my life is on hold now, waiting for her to start truly being healed, and thus, realize she should never have been with me in the first place. My therapist has said multiple times that she might come to this conclusion. It was 2 traumatized people who got married, and created way more trauma.
Hoping the therapy and your own work help you make it through!!
Thank you.
Sitting in the cinema distracting myself as we speak..
At least I.ve left the house.
❤ excellent video
Ive been stuck in a location where I do not belong since 2013. I have not left this unit in over 2 years.
Well I was anxious leaning secure and my ex avoidant leaning secure. My life was amazing and then I got severely disability and chronically ill from on day to another. I had to give up everything, quit my job and Im bed bound now. I started to get even more anxious triggering my partner and then we went down in the spiral. I tried to find out whats wrong and help us also fix our problems like I always did but she wouldn't communicate with me. She didnt want to work on herself and wasnt ready for therapy either. She then just left me and my world crushed! Its been 4 months and im still ruminating thinking I should've done better and what if its all my fault? And why did it have to end like this? Im so scared and alone now with my illnesses. She was the love of my life, my entire world and I would've done everything for her! How am I supposed to be happy without her?
3:20 playing self help videos but not really listening to them while you work...
I have never found a therapist that could explain things to me so that I can do things. I cannot think of these things on my own I honestly can't I am so overwhelmed and so nervous I have such cptsd anxiety health issues with lupus that I am overwhelmed completely. I don't know what the hell to do or where to start it's easier said than done but if I do not visually see it or I'm told step by step. I really need my handheld completely. Because I can remember when I would be able to slow my brain down and do more things but now I've had more trauma in the past 13 years then I know what the f***to do anymore. I just do things in order to get them done wash my sheets make food put trash in the pick up the recycling I put on the floor take a shower go to work take a shower when I get home hopefully I made some meals ahead of time but if I did it find something in the fridge that's easy. I have succumbed to being addicted to my phone of watching videos of homesteading and whatever else nothing perverted. And I'm trying to do my best. I don't know how to communicate really one-on-one I'm a good listener but I don't have anything fun going on in my life I don't know what's normal to talk about. I don't have anything exciting going on. I'm just overwhelmed. I'm working 6 days a week right now because for the next 2 months I'm working an extra day so that I can pay for oil. The only time I feel energetic is when I'm working in my yard. Because my home is so overwhelming I just don't know how to find the right counselor I've had counselors that have no clue what the hell to do and I listen to you and some other people and I'm like why didn't they say that to me like what is my problem finding a proper counselor. I had one recommended to me and she is arrested in jail for insurance fraud. I'm like are you serious. I had another one who put me on a medication that I literally was puking bile and she wasn't returning my phone phone calls. I gave it a chance for 2 weeks and I couldn't do it anymore. I am so over people not listening to me. And I feel like I have to fight for everything my doctor didn't listen to me when I told her I said I think I have either Lyme's disease or lupus and it was lupus. But they didn't want to listen tome so I asked for a referral and guess what it was lupus. And then I told my doctor that something was completely wrong I was having really horrific body aches and mood swings and it was my hormones. Then I'm telling my doctor that something's wrong I just no I have hypothyroidism I just know it I have all the symptoms pretty much we do a blood test yep I have hypothyroidism I feel like I'm like psychotic and psychic at the same time do I want all this stuff know please I don't want to take any more pills I want to be able to not have pain I want to be able to not have fatigue but nobody listens to me and it takes me forever to say something because I'm panicked and I'm afraid that something's wrong so I don't bother with it and I wait longer and longer and longer and then it's worse and worse and worse andwe find out I have a nodule on my thyroid. Then I told the doctor I'm itchy down below guess what she said it was vaginitis or a venereal disease I'm like I'm like the Virgin Mary right now seriously well then they did an ultrasound and they found a fibroid I said well I want to go to my gynecologist oh no you don't need to well guess what it was a pile up in the entrance that was causing my itchiness. I didn't have any discharge or any smell I know I'm being TMI but nobody listen to me and they actually told me not to go to my gynecologist I'm like are you serious. Oh and by the way we found out I had a system of my ovary I'm like great something else to add to my stupid list of problems. That I never wanted and I don't need. But if I didn't advocate for myself and stand up for myself nobody else would. And I'm aggressive about it and I've calmed down about it but I'm aggressive because I've gotten to the escalation of panic. Now I believe something's really wrong because it's happening too many times or it's a constant and when you tell somebody they believe oh this is just happening once or twice you know know this is been constant for this amount of time. Well why did you wait because I didn't want it to happen I didn't want to have this but guess what I'm facing reality and I'm facing a panic so just listen to me and let's try to fix it or tone it down or something. I had a doctor that told me I can't help you I'm like really I mean it was a counselor but I was like really and then I went to a psychiatrist who was trying to give me medication barely asked me any questions and just decided to give me the new fad I was like no I want you to research and think about this more like this is my life. I'd rather pay for another appointment to discuss my options and the reason why you chose this medice
Not me for the past 3 years using SH as a coping mechanism lol
(don't worry I'm better now!)
Thanks ❤
Im guilty of living my work and isolation - now Im burnt out.
The olden days... at Blockbuster...
I never been to thephay before I am too broke to go one I even don’t know hardly anyone about thephay I learned a little some from your channel here but I don’t have any copping skills to do and which ones might help me I recently lost my dad back in the end of September 2023 I ended up constantly texting my dad and asking him if he is okay pain wise because cancer took him and that I loved him and then after i realized that he wasn’t here no more then I would just break down out of middle of nowhere like a ton of bricks if you have any ideas let me know etc…
Could "retail therapy" also stem from our brain feeling excited/stimulated at seeing new things/colors/etc? We tend to see the same old things day after day.
I think so. I get like this, TBH, and get excited to see those items in my basket and paid for. After a while with seeing them at home, the look of the items can get "boring," (I especially get thise from Bath and Body Works), and so it's like you're find the next "hit," and you get that with seeing new items. I wonder if someone is more likely to experience this if they were once in poverty, or in situation where they were denied the items, although it was somethign they really wanted (or maybe even needed) to have. So now that they are finally able to get it, it provides a sense of pride and relief.
I find that window shopping alone gives me a bit of pleasure so that's probably part of it.
When you ace the test with a 6/6 score. Hah, and my parents said I'd never get anything right in life! Showed them!
Really though this video is perfectly timed. I've been looking for new ways to cope and move forward, and this video perfectly highlights some of the least helpful ways I cope right now. Thank you so much for this!
Surprised u didnt put eating junk food
That's another good one to add!! Thanks for mentioning it!! xoox
Luv u ❤❤❤❤❤
Third 😂❤. I wanna be that person too.
hahah!! Love it :) xoxo
I have only one coping method that has functioned for me flawlessly, avoidance.
Do whatever you feel like, with the rest: do not botter
@@S.G.W.VerbeekWhy change a proven method that has been successful for me. If I avoid others, they are not there there to remind me of what I am trying to cope with in my life. Avoidance of others is an excellent coping method.
@indridcold8433
I know. I do the same. Sometimes, I (im)prove myself by facing others even when my intuition tells me that it is going to be uncomfortable🙄😒😔🫤
Why bother? I do not need to prove myself to anyone.
Avoiding does wonders 😊
It's unsettling to not trust almost(not all) of Dad's family(one of his brothers is untrustworthy/verbally sexually abusive). Dad is worse than this one brother. Dad expects me to put up and shut up about the abuse. That will not happen. Their(now, late) mother told me to "have a sense of humor" Nothing was funny. I felt isolated, abandoned and betrayed by her for defending the uncle. Pathetic grandmother!
Well, shit. Doing all of those, all the time.
First
Woot woot!!
Second
yay!!! xoo
Kati's left eyebrow hits hard to my ocd... 😆
Grow up.
The only for me is get out of my parent's house.
I enjoy your videos, but this one is very mean. You are lovely and kind, please, do not change.
i have clinical depression.
Same! And also BPD (both diagnosed in 2021)
Help that hurts isn't helpful
It's not black-and-white like that. All of these help in some ways, and hurt in others.
cute top 🤗
I use marijuana to cope with glaucoma
I make my own weed. Waaaaay better☺️
Hello , thank you for your videos, i want to ask you about how can i stop eating or thinking about it i have binge eating 4 years ago iam now in college i can't focus in my college it affect me so much , I can't go to doctor, please reply me , and how can i contact you to tell you details
Was 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 contemplating the parameters of "shopoholic" person behavior (been undergoing P.T.S.D. therapy in recent months) and with that note must needs bes getting back to work.
Thank-you and stay well!
✌😷👍
So glad it was helpful and timely :) xoxo