I ran into a man who had some troubling signs and thankfully we only had one date and the rest of our interactions keep confirming my intuition. Pushy, pursuing me after I told him it wasn’t going to work (like it’s a game or challenge), a strong seductive energy, telling me about a troubled childhood, wanting to be a cop because he likes the “action,” and I don’t like his friend…. It’s tricky because I’m attracted to him but often we are attracted to dangerous things. Listen to your inner feelings. Too many red flags.
Spot-on, every single point. Amazing! One small thing I would add. They test your tolerance for physical abuse very early on, usually either by calling it "joking" or and "accident". In my case, he threw an apple core at me and called it a game. I remember being hurt and confused, but I didn't say anything. He also "accidentally" elbowed me in the nose really hard. Again, it didn't seem like an accident, and I was confused, but let it go. Don't! If anyone tests your physical boundaries early in a relationship, let hellfire loose. If they have honest intentions, it will be ok. If they are looking for an abuse victim, you're better off without them.
Shit, Ive been wondering aboutthat for the last15 years. He accidentally elbowed my nose so it moved a bit. Ive always wondered if it really was accidentally.
How about when they pull your hair? I was having a discussion with the guy that I’m seeing (I was in his car) all of a sudden he grabbed my hair and wouldn’t let go even though I was telling him that he was hurting me he wouldn’t let go, he did it twice but then he said that my hair is long and fluffy that he couldn’t control himself 😡
I just met a guy a week ago and I am already seeing the red flags and then I listened to this video and saw all the flags again. Thank you for confirming my suspicions. ❤
I’m 23 and recently left a 2 year relationship. My mom always said my ex had something she didn’t like. We get confused because they 10 or 20% of the time are loving and caring. My ex has all of these signs, he watched scary content, always had a knife on his head table, would always want to know where I was even if I just took 15 min to go talk to a friend before going to his house or to go shopping, he would get mad and say I was keeping things from him. He always dictated what I should and should not wear, I couldn’t wear a dress with a split let alone a crop top or a bikini. He always said I should be obedient, because that way the relationship would go better and I would be happier. He didn’t like much when I spent time with friends because all my time should be dedicated to him, because if I was his priority, he needed to be mine. I couldn’t go to the gym, so many things I privates myself from to make him secure of himself because he said he had thoughts to kill himself and that I was the only one who took those thoughts away when he was with me (this at the beginning, at the end he just said I wouldn’t go anywhere he didn’t go too). Also I heard rumors he beated up 2 ex girlfriends. I’m went to therapy and my psychologist said I was a victim of an abusive relationship and that it would certainly end in domestic violence sooner or later. That’s where I opened my eyes and got out of it. I recommend everyone in this situation to go to therapy, they will never change, why would you want to do so much good for someone who wants to cause you so much harm. I know it’s hard because we completely loose ourselves because of this person, but I hope everyone in this situation have the strength to get out of it and find something so much better ❤
Thanks for this video.. I just dodged a physically abusive relationship. He was showing many of the signs. Might have had more that I don't even know about coz I didn't spend a lot of time with him. Your video just made me trust my own intuition.. otherwise I was at a point where I was starting to doubt myself and feeling anxious. I am really grateful for this. I feel so light right now.
I know this sounds extremely harsh but I think you should not date men who were abused or witnessed their father being abusive to their mother. Unfortunately I just think the risk is too high with men like this. I’ve dated a few men with troubled childhoods and they all were abusive. Not always physically but definitely emotionally. This is now a HARD boundary that I refuse to break. Men with troubled childhoods are an automatic “no” for me. Also men who didn’t grow up with fathers or good fathers. Automatically a no. I just can’t risk it anymore.
That's fine. Though I do believe there ate plenty of men who have grown up in environments like that who are kind and compassionate. I think it's a matter of trusting your gut. But I can understand why you would be scared of someone who grew up in that environment
The abusive men I've known had absentee, irresponsible, or abusive fathers, with hyper-controlling absentee baby-them-for-life mothers. The contrast between "mothering" & "controlling while never truly being there" with the moms is extreme.
This is so accurate. I dated a guy who would make jokes about physically hurting me like “haha if you snore id have to suffocate you with a pillow” 😳 BOY WHAT and this was like 3 weeks into dating...needles to say I got out very quickly
Wtf? Reminds me of when I dated an assistant prosecutor that saw a street named “ring neck blvd.” it was a beautiful day. we were searching for my friends parents house on the River… like a few minutes away. So I’m feeling excited and happy to introduce him… and out of left field he kinda smirks and says “hm ring neck. Reminds me of growing up with my sisters and just wanting to ring their necks…” and he made the motions with his hands and got intense and shook as he said it… then just went about business like normal. I broke it off with him after that weekend.
It’s so good that you left him. People like that are not safe. My ex used to say he’d kill me if I cheated on him. It came out of the blue and I remember thinking that no one in my life had ever said that to me. I left the relationship months later as his verbal and physical aggression became more and more obvious. Love to all of you who are going through this. You are a good person and you can do it!
Dated a guy briefly but it turned into 2 years of back and forth and emotional drama because I was trauma bounded. The second I challenged him and said no, he spiraled into a monster. Lots of emotional manipulation, making me doubt my sanity, creating alternate realities, long pity stories about his abusive childhood, getting me back, only to treat me worse and punish me for the first time I said no and left him. He was extremely argumentative and said he enjoyed arguing with people. He could turn a compliment or a nice gesture into an argument. He was also a very bitter person and was extremely moody. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up on the news in an orange jumpsuit. He’s a college professor by the way and he has a PhD in Psychology which I think makes him even more dangerous and startling because many women may second guess the abuse considering his academic achievements and success. Happy that I’m no longer around him.
I’m sharing this with my teenage daughter. If I would’ve been aware of these signs I may not have gotten wrapped up in an abusive relationship. As parents we need to do better about teaching our children about toxic relationships and the warning signs.
Very valuable. My ex grew up under martial law in Pakistan and was bullied by siblings. He has family history of untreated mental illness and had a tyrant for a dad. He always made a point of saying he would never harm women yet was emotionally abusive to myself and our daughter. It was always someonr else's fault in every instance that soured. I am so glad to be out of his life...living with him felt like living in a powder keg, waiting for his ire to be turned my way. So to sum up: take note of all history you can gather from him or family members or even history books! As adults we have to trust so much of what we each disclose with no good effective means to verify that info. If following your gut is not working figure that out in less risky situations and develop trust in your instinct. I spent over 2 decades poo-pooing and standing up for this person who did not care for me (let alone love). Now I am working to have my own direction, goals, and agenda. Which is plenty for now. Thank you for sharing this video, I hope many will take it to heart and those stats can start to reverse. Be strong!
It is NOT your fault for being a kind and caring person! What an assault on your self worth. Just because he was "abused" does not give right to that kind of behavior. It sickens me how powerful and awful these people are. Such Narratives and Narcissism
@PressPause 2Play What an awful comment! Clearly you do not understand how abuse works. I hope the woman that posted this is alive and doing well. How isolating to feel hopeless. And reading it was your fault. I call voluntary check into a MI for the heartlessness of you
Not all physical abusers are emotionally abusive, sometimes its subtle and becomes physically abusive when they feel threatened and confronted, I'm talking about narcissistic rage. But it definitely comes from feelings of entitlement
I have read all of Gavin DeBecker’s books, and I credit them for saving my life. When I needed it most, I remembered and did the mosaic assessment. Even though it turned out that I was in imminent danger, I was able to make enough right decisions exactly when needed to stay alive. Now, 8 years later, I still have lingering ptsd symptoms, but I manage them efficiently without medication. I have a life I cherish, am at peace, and thriving. Everything you said was spot-on. Knowing these could save a life.
I need to go back and read that - the mosaic assessment. I remember when Gavin first appeared on Oprah back in her heyday. His book was one of her book club selections. She really knew how to pick em. Gavin is such an expert in his field and has saved so many more lives since.
I am a victim of domestic violence. My husband cheated on me..drank and gambled and did not pay the bills. I had a beautiful daughter who had to endure this. Every time I approached him, He became violent. We are divorced and this has affected my daughter. Thank you for this video as it just validated why I got the divorce. Thank you so much. Your videos really help me in my life.
Thank you. My ex’s wife has all of these characteristics (minus the weapon, maybe?), plus, she has a degree in psychology and is a pathological liar. It’s not just men who are abusive. Financial, emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse using children against the bio mother is psychological terrorism, in my opinion.I’m hopeful we can neutralize this gender aspect in order to heal these toxic behaviors. There are mean girls/women who are bullies too, and can be some of the most manipulative, deceptive and abusive people in our sphere. Be love.🙏💕🦋
@@extrastout1741 yes most abuse is men abusing women. However that doesn't mean what happens to men is any less serious. Abuse is abuse regardless of the gender of the victim or perpetrator. When ppl always bring it back to 'well it's mostly men who abuse women', it can cause abused men to not bother coming forward BC that is just going to be thrown at them. Some men are killed by women, also homosexual couples.
Thank you so much for this video. It’s really important and clarifying. I’m just getting out of an intense relationship where there was physical roughness during fights (light choking, grabbing arms/wrists, blocking any exit ways, throwing me down and so on) but not enough to leave real marks or damages physically. There was a lot of lying and gaslighting too so I’ve been strongly questioning if I provoked behaviors here. I also grew up with an abusive mom who was sometimes physical and also gaslighting my reality so it starts to pile on and feel like maybe I am the common denominator with unhealed triggers. I’ve lost sense of my own reality and feel so confused and concerned and many mixed emotions. It’s literally too much to explain on a RUclips comment but this video , so so so many things listed here are totally on point about this person. It was extra confusing because they are someone who once called me while drunk (before dating) crying about a woman who had been getting beat in the apartment complex where they lived, someone who stands up for women’s rights, so there are many aspects of it that have added denial and confusion to the reality. And yet this video is a kind of validation and clarity I’ve been searching for, like it takes a blindfold off, a clarity I haven’t found so, again, thank you. And for anyone who read this who is struggling or unsure , when the manipulation and deceit accompanies the abuse and hostility it can be so confusing and disorienting. I don’t have any wise words at the moment other than confusion in general, too much confusion and off feelings like she said in this video, is something to absolutely pay attention to. It’s simply not worth getting caught into a spiral like this with someone. We have to look out for ourselves.
He has four felony arrests- regarding his past two ex wives- “assault on a family member” very very heavy drinker, but he has found God and is a “changed man.” I watched my niece marry this man last weekend and this is terrifying.
Such a great video and such an important topic! It´s so important to pay attention to the "red flags" (the gut feeling) and not justify or push it under the carpet. The gut feeling is always right. Thanks for sharing!
Tone Bekkestad I couldn’t agree more! We aren’t taught to listen to our gut instinct enough...but man is it accurate. Our instincts are often right but we rarely listen to them and rationalize ourselves out of it.
Tone Bekkestad I have that. For months I been trying to find out why. No one knows . I even told someone that knows about narc people and she said is stress. I really need to find out more about this. I feel knot on my stomach when I am around him?
I think many women don't even realize it. My ex told me it wasn't domestic violence because he didn't punch me in the head/face. He thought it had to meet his definition.
This video really hits home for me because a very dear friend of mine was murdered by her fiance-(Not me.. i would NEVER have dreamed of doing this to her!!).... I just pray that people getting abused GET OUT ASAP!!
Many years ago I was in an abusive relationship he choked me out plenty and even broke my ribs. Then I looked in the mirror and realized that this is not me. So one day I fought back broke his face (he was over twice my size) then I drugged him and went to another state. I have never felt that kind of fear again until with my current husband of 5 ears. His verbal abuse is insane and he will go off over almost nothing screaming he wants to snap my neck and then apologize profusely to make it all okay. Today I’ve realized what I’m feeling when this happens. He’s been clean off pills for two years now. I’m in a state where I know almost no one and have nowhere to go. I am going to try counseling. Btw he always says he will never hit a woman.
Get away and don't look back. What they say they won't do they will or have already. You deserve better the apology is useless he ends up acting inappropriately again.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from an abusive, narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. He beat me up and we lost one of our baby in the process. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating, woman beater husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as they helped clone my cheating, wife beater husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
I love your videos! You speak slowly and clearly so everyone can process what you are saying! My daughter’s boyfriend has so many of these signs-she’s been living off and on with him for two years. Two times he has gotten aggressive with her-I think she thinks, that she can save him or give him the mothering he didn’t get! Not a healthy relationship! She won’t listen to any videos I message her, so I shared this on Facebook, hoping she will get curious and listen to it! If not, I hope it helps somebody else!! Thank you!
I’m 23 and recently left a 2 year relationship. My mom always said my ex had something she didn’t like. I hope your daughter managed to get out. We get confused because they 10 or 20% of the time are loving and caring. My ex has all of these signs, he watched scary content, always had a knife on his head table, would always want to know where I was even if I just took 15 min to go talk to a friend before going to his house or to go shopping, he would get mad and say I was keeping things from him. He always dictated what I should and should not wear, I couldn’t wear a dress with a split let alone a crop top or a bikini. He always said I should be obedient, because that way the relationship would go better and I would be happier. He didn’t like much when I spent time with friends because all my time should be dedicated to him, because if I was his priority, he needed to be mine. I couldn’t go to the gym, so many things I privates myself from to make him secure of himself because he said he had thoughts to kill himself and that I was the only one who took those thoughts away when he was with me (this at the beginning, at the end he just said I wouldn’t go anywhere he didn’t go too). Also I heard rumors he beated up 2 ex girlfriends. I’m went to therapy and my psychologist said I was a victim of an abusive relationship and that it would certainly end in domestic violence sooner or later. That’s where I opened my eyes and got out of it. I recommend everyone in this situation to go to therapy, they will never change, why would you want to do so much good for someone who wants to cause you so much harm. Hope everyone in this situation have the strength to get out of it ❤
The only thing I have out of this list is that I was bullied in grade school. I've never been abusive and never will. Mama taught me how to treat women.
I think you need to have more than one out the list to qualify. So don't worry. There are plenty of us that are bullied that never became violent ourselves but actually had more compassion for others.
Check out doctor ramani’s videos about narcissistic abuse. I went through this big time. Specifically watch the video about love bombing. Sending good vibes 🙏🏻💗
This is so common and frightening. We must talk about it and start doing something about it. It rings so many bells with me. All of the signs you have talked about are really BIG RED flags and must not be overlooked. Often brutal and predatory people with those characteristics are supervisors or managers in companies and institutions and it is not always possible to get out off easily. We must break the silence and talk about violence openly and hope for the victims of abuse to find the strength to get out.
Sometimes that type - advertise themselves to others as managers and supervisors etc., head of this and head of that when they are not, or were not, seemingly with the aim of sounding more important, impressive etc., than the inferior self they realise they are really.
You speak the words I can't seem to voice. I wish I heard this before the relationship I was in. You do have it down to a T. I hope others retain this information. Thank you.
One I would add is a past assault record on a previous girlfriend or wife no matter how long ago it was if these traits are still apparent. Despite anger management by the courts, an ex still had these abusive ways and I was lucky to get out before I got broken in spirit and trapped in the relationship. Seeing his potential for violence was life saving. Public records exist and best to check them if these points start to appear.
Oh, so you've met my ex then...ticks literally every box you've mentioned from behavior, to community, to family violence, to mental illness. So glad I'm out and safe. I sensed it could escalate quickly.
Not dealing well with stress is a symptom of emotional immaturity oftentimes coupled with a short fuse and fits of rage (high blood pressure is often present) Anything seemingly trivial sets them off They come across as childish and throw tantrums what feels like 24/7 Growing up in abusive, chaotic household can also potentially be a red flag as they never learnt healthy ways of relating to others and take out their life frustrations on you (misplaced anger) Lack of accountability on their part too Rigid, inflexible boundaries They are oftentimes pushy Make snide hurtful comments and then say "I was only joking. Why do you take everything so seriously?! You're oversensitive!" If you accidentally poke them at night while asleep while completely unaware of what you're doing they would use excessive force and poke you back so hard they'd wake you up from deep sleep in an instant and act like the biggest victim ever
I want to post this list as a flier in HS bathrooms the world over. Props for posting this on a VDay 💗 I wish I read this list starting at 12 everyday until college graduation, and since.
No one recognizes the fact that men can be the abused from women. I know, I seen emotional abuse from my mom as her Parkinson's progressed and I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship for months before I couldn't take anymore...the walking on eggshells, the feeling that I was a fuck up, being accused of being controlling, undermining, jealousy until finally when she went off after getting shit-faced drunk I had enough .
Definitely. When people are not feeling heard, even more so. When women lash out and get violent towards their partner, nine times out of ten the man is not listening to her and that can be incredibly frustrating. Things overflow and next thing you know people are being hit.
My boyfriend of a yr has shown some of these subtle signs recently. I told him some great news and we got into a 20 min disagreement and it never got out of hand just back and forth and at the end I sat back and was like wow all this was because I called him to tell him my great news. He also has rigid ideas of relationships and "jokes" about it is his way or no way. I think this is what I needed to see he has no other indicators. Thank you for this. I knew the obvious one's but I never considered these and it made me feel not so good when we were done talking about my good news and I was like what is this why do I feel this was serious.
Sounds like a man who is extremely jealous and only cares about himself. These are not qualifies of someone that you would want to live day in and out with. He sounds like a narcisist and extremely problematic. I would runnn as fast as I can to leave that relationship!
Yep. He had a very abusive mother always talk bad about her. Partied hard. Screamed at other drivers. Found out he stepped out of the Navy to avoid a dishonorable discharge. Accused me of “looking” when I totally never do that. (Still to this day catch myself not look at other drivers other people in store bc I had to learn not to to avoid a fight) But he didn’t physically abuse until I got pregnant and was “entrapped in his snar”. Hard lesson learned.
Lily Hults I am so glad you’ve never had to experience that. 💜 it’s awful. But it’s really great that still you’re watching videos like this and educating yourself for your own protection and also for others! That’s really great. Stay safe and all the best to you!
In my last long distance relationship, I had small signs early on: he called himself "intense" from the start (a bit of a warning); he hung up on me when irritated (and then apologized and said he had never done that before in his life); kept calling me by a couple of silly/slightly demeaning names after I had said I didn't particularly enjoy them; trash-talked almost all of his friends and family members to me; seemed to be unusually upset by daily events and interactions; spoke in a very harsh voice when disapproving of a pet's behavior; had unusually aggressive joking behaviour, as if he were a parent talking down to a child. Then, in an argument about feelings in which I was very calm and low voiced and employed non-violent communication, he lost control and said "go to hell, woman, you're crazy and robotic" (he later said my voice was too calm and monotonous and that had irritated him, plus his sister had talked to him earlier, which had irritated him even more - although he did not send her to hell or insulted her). Again, he said he had never done that before in his life, but to me he seemed very comfortable saying those words. I was shocked. He apologized for most of these behaviours, but the thing is, most of them went on even when I was still reevaluating the relationship (he didn't really make an effort to curb them). Hung up on me again, said hurtful things etc. I'm out, but at least I got him into therapy and learned a few lessons myself. I am proud of my own behaviour at least, I believe I'm getting better and better at communication, empathy and questioning my narratives.
Thank you so much for this video. The city I am from has very high rates of domestic violence so I appreciate your message. Also you have given me the power back to trust myself in relationships. As a person who has been a victim of domestic violence in a relationship and after having a violent father, I had stopped trusting myself to make appropriate decisions regarding men.
Many of these points are valuable, but I think it's also important to recognize that just because someone hits one or even several of these does not mean that they will automatically become abusive. A person could have ADD, have witnessed abuse as a child, have difficult relationships with his co-workers, and have struggled in school, and still be a fantastic and loving partner. Also, some of these warning signs are more important than others! Having a violent run-in with the police is a huge warning sign. Disliking a sibling? Not so much.
My covert narcissist ex had almost none of this checklist. He was also very subtle. Not prohibiting things but more like getting a headache at the last moment. Yet he threatened me at the end and I feared for my life.
I'm so glad you are talking about this. It's SO important. My video this week on my channel, is about why you get confused with sexual intimacy, what happens inside you and why, so I"m really in your lane about this and so glad you have put this out into the world. I want every one to see it ... Deep bow. ~Elizabeth
Thank you Julia this resonates with me very much… I think I ticked off a lot of boxes! I have just come out of a verbally abusive relationship and feel it could have turned physically violent! My ex has untreated bipolar and ADD which I wasn’t aware of initially but felt something wasn’t quite right. X
Thank you for this information. Usually I save learning about domestic violence for certain days as that can easily turn my day grey. However, we should all learn about this as it happens in society all too often. Sometimes I wonder the person who went through hardship that caused them to be this way where is the root of the problem (could it be war, loss of a loved one, etc.)
I am no longer bound by this man or his abusive traits and emotional abusive words, I am finally free of being tied to this pain and I renounce myself under self love and healing, He does not have control over me or power.. I am defeating him with the power of Jesus and manifestation. I will live AGAIN and have a rewarding life away from him. He cannot harm me anymore and my value is uplifted with self esteem. I am strong, beautiful, wise and loved. I am free from the possession of narcissism and emotional and verbal abuse from "A" I will find pure love and respectful love, I am deserving of joy and peace and I shall get it because I believe
I have had many episodes of domestic violence, I didn't know about the hotlines hopefully they are more effective than law enforcement. I am all alone and living in isolation because I am afraid it could happen again, if it did I wouldn't have anyone to call to help me if I ever needed assistance. I will never call the police again, they just make everything worse.
@@nadaahmed3439 It seems they resent people. From what I have seen, they act as if victims deserve the anger they have against the people in their lives. I believe they took their jobs just to destroy lives.
Your videos are golden free knowledge! Thanks for sharing :) Lots of mothers weren't reporting a violent father in the past because their children would have had a stigma for life. The law (in Italy) years ago previewed a higher chance of fault when registered as son of a violent father, reason why abused mothers preferred continuing to be abused than going to the police. It's a vicious circle that is fortunately improving with the genZ.
I'm a man who was in a violent domestic relationship with a woman who abused me and was a narcissist in the worst ways with the abuse using my own love against me the love that I had for her and the love that I have for my daughter. Poor excuse for a human being
It’s a red flag that I keep watching this video and others throughout this relationship… something in me knows something is wrong but I’m in the “love bombing” stage, I guess. Whenever I bring up a concern like his irrational jealousy he smoothes it over and says it just means I’m important :(
Ew-im still being stalked 7 years later by a jerk who ticks off almost every box. He's been threatening to sue me after he assaulted me. I wont allow this crazy s.o.b. to bully me into silence. I finally reported him to the cops who did nothing. Found out the jerk, who appeared to have alot going for him, including a high paying job, several nice cars, was a successful musician and local hockey player, had a history of nepotism, drug and alcohol problems, friends with battery histories, narsicism, and peter pan syndrome. He was basicly the most fucked up person, just like he told me, which is probably why he lived all alone in this house he owned. IDGAF if your the rich popular king of the world, a batterer is a batterer.
I'm sorry, having "access to a weapon" is NOT an indicator that someone will become an abuser. Many, many people own various types of weapons and never cause intentional harm to another person.
Yep. All but two or three of these signs, check check check. And then two nights ago he swung a bat at me, shoved me against a wall and choked me. I'm (hopefully) finishing the process of breaking things off now.
I knew something wasn't right with my friend when I would leave her a message and she would rarely get back to me.. I couldn't put my finger on it until sadly she was murdered... I don't know if her family and friends were aware of what's going on....
Please, everyone share, share, share!! Someone I love is the victim of domestic violence and there is, sadly, nothing I can do about it ( I have tried almost everything). The more information like this is shared and the more awareness that is raised, then they will be less able to get away with it.
I really like this video and how Julia explains the signs that someone could become violent. Of course, I will mention that I don't believe in judging people based on the kind of environment they grew up in; I believe they should be judged by their character. I mean, nobody tells you not to be a platonic friend to someone who grew up in a home where there was domestic abuse, right? So why should we tell someone not to be in a romantic relationship with someone who grew up in that kind of environment? Just because someone grew up in a home where there was domestic violence doesn't mean they are going to repeat the cycle with a future partner. Now yes, a lot of the men who beat their wives are repeating what they grew up witnessing in childhood. The type of environment you grew up in can be a powerful influence. But there are plenty of men who have grown up witnessing domestic abuse who rise above what they witnessed in childhood and turn out to be wonderful partners. I know we have all heard the saying, "The apple never falls far from the tree," but that's not a completely true phrase. So just knowing that a man grew up in a home where there was domestic abuse wouldn't be a complete dealbreaker for me although it might make me a bit more watchful of other indicators that he could be an abuser; it might move me to take more time to get to know his true character. But again, I don't believe in judging someone based on the type of environment they grew up in.
I got my butt whipped everyday when I was a kid....everyday! I had it coming to. I would never lay a hand on a woman, never. My ex came to stay with me twice after she was beaten. She knew she was safe with me and that I could protect her against her abusers with no weapons. She was so scared, it pisses me off extremely bad to see a human sooooo afraid of another human.
Very powerful video but I think that classifying mental disorders as someone who is abusive is exasperating the problem. I was bullied as a kid and I am not abusive. Abusive people prey on the weak and vulnerable. The biggest organ in your body is the brain and just like any other organ can malfunction. Imagine that we all "informed" people to stay away from someone because they had bone cancer. You essentially blame the victim: "Stay away from people who are bullied". People in abusive (being bullied) situations are already so isolated.
My ex checks nearly all of these boxes. He punched holes in walls while I was standing nearby; kicked down a door; threw things at me; poured coffee all over me; hit me over the head with a pillow over and over again while screaming at me….in every situation he would tell me that he was ‘provoked’ into these things. Then he would tell me how he would never hurt me….. These things were only the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting were at least as bad. I married him thinking he was a nice Christian boy from a nice Christian family. Turns out this “nice” family had all kinds of skeletons in the closet, and my ex just carried on family traditions…I wish I had known the signs then to be able to recognize them.
Alright lady all I have heard you say is he he and more he ok. I actually as a man 6’7” 260 pound welder actually came on here due to my fiancée doing all those same little things you said to me. So do everyone a favor and acknowledge that men get mentally abused too ok. And men love there children too.
It’s worth noting that the violence doesn’t begin with them actually hitting you. If your partner has ever blocked the door to keep you from leaving a room, thrown things (not at you, but in your presence) or broken things when they are angry or during a conflict, threatened self harm to control your behavior, threatened to harm or take your children to control your behavior, or threatened or harmed a pet when they are angry or during a conflict, or grabbed you to move you or restrain you, then you are already in physically abusive relationship. If things have already progressed this far, you aren’t safe, and the situation is not going to de-escalate on its own. The thing about abuse is that once it starts, even if there are apologies and promises made, it gets worse.
My ex once used knife to threaten me! I still being with him for another 4 years on egg shell ... luckily he ghosted me after getting angry with me..I was sad, but thought I was so lucky.
Y’all should also know that a person can develop/reveal the warning signs over time. When I married my ex, there were few signs of the potential. People can change over time, and can be shaped in negative ways by their life experience. My ex’s experience with war (and his refusal to seek treatment for many years) turned him into an abusive man.
So what's the connection of having low grades in academics to abusive behaviour? Because my ex is like that. he has a history of repeating in high school, low grades, been kicked out or dropped out. He's also a very slow guy. Like very slow. He can't even understand a movie we're watching even with subtitles. I need to explain everything to him, it kills the mood.. All of the signs you mentioned, he has them. He's very abusive. Verbally and physically. We now broke up, it's been 2weeks, I know he's no good for me but the pain is just unbearable. We live together for 2years
I can relate❤ "Being slow" can be a result of brain injury due to domestic abuse he suffered as a child or biochemical changes as a result of childhood PTSD I've once met a woman who had a hard time processing information as a result of head injuries from domestic abuse at the hands of her husband She was a highly intelligent woman Still, it took her a while to process information, focus or even read a book And yes, sadly watching a movie with someone with complex PTSD can be a mood killer even with the subtitles
Bad gut feeling here...I dated him in 2019 then a lady caught his attention. We reconnected in 2022. I noticed he got irritated if I felt dizzy. I'd severe thyroid disease. My impression though I couldn't place why, he was tiny and demure was that he might hit people but he'd never done it. I thought I was imagining it. I wasn't. I'd felt a bit of fear as he got very irritated though he never yelled. The bad feeling got much worse yesterday. I thought it was just nerves as we'd made things official it felt off. Partner was acting differently smoking a lot, irritated. Hit me on the shoulder for saying I'd a pain in my head. I'd unfortunately tried again this year. I left. He'd asked me to move in with in with me though the relationship was new not even a month. No way. He Hit me I didn't stay.
Great video. What are the stats for men that are the victims of domestic violence? Oh, lesbian relationships have the highest incidents of domestic violence, then hetro, and the lowest are gay men. This is why statistic have to be stated with care and the context. In Australia, yelling at the other person is domestic violence / abuse.
Do not I repeated do not move in to soon. Or move across country until you have seen them in all scenarios. I almost lost my life. 1st it was being initialed to help him with everything. Driving him to work at 6 AM when I worked nights period expecting me to get a second job.Expecting me to pack his lunch when he couldn't even get it to the car and blaming everything on his a d h d. Long story short. I fled after he told me.I was 30 and used up in.Nobody would ever want me. Called the police on me after I offered him a ride and said that I ran him over when he blatantly lied. And still was trying to get me to take him to work. When I was getting out on moving day.I found a loaded gun just sitting in the couch I had no idea about. Get out while you still can.
These stories very disturbing, This was absolutely terrible and Very difficult to watch Men keep your cool, Men mind your temper, Men breathe, relax, and whatever you are upset about... it is simply not that serious, Men DONT hurt your Lady, Never beat up your Woman, Never beat up your wife, girlfriend, or any woman, that’s NOT is what being a man is. Beating up a Woman doesn't make a man tough... Beating up a Woman doesn't make a man strong... Beating up a Woman doesn't make a man cool... Beating up a Woman doesn't make a man a man.... Beating a woman is Not masculine Beating Women is NOT sexy Beating Women is NOT manly Using abuse, and force for sexual gratification, intimidation, by harmful behavior for sexual intimacy with someone doesn’t make a man, strong, tough, cool, or, manly. I believe in the Safety and Well-being Women, Children, and Men WOMEN Have the RIGHT to FEEL SAFE and BE SAFE This is a reply post regarding a article on Assault Against Woman: For what is statistically true, or accurate, and even what is not included statistically, and all other crime such as this is what is ( violence against women) Always unacceptable... Women have the Right to Feel SAFE and be Safe... No woman..., or person....child...should ever have to experience this kind heinous personal intrusion in their lifetime, this seems to be occurring at least according to news reports more, and all to often. Actually this activity should be in a stage, or state of Reversal, and NOT Increasing, I am continually upset as well as greatly disturbed in hearing such stories, as I have always have been... My Heart Always... goes out to any person which have experienced any such similar experience of intrusion, attacks, and, or invasion of their personal well-being... due violence, and or violent behavior, I will continue Praying for the Safety and Well-Being of Others... Keep everyone SAFE PLEASE BE SAFE Your Life is important Advocate of Humanity, Author, Writer, Poet, Safety Advocate Jason Sandifer, Michigan MESSAGE REPOSTED 10/28/2021
m y ex told me to go die when i was upset with him. I was flabbergasted on a sudden change in behavior. he had been over seas for awhile. I told hi onn no uncertain terms do you ever say that to me. and yes he liked drugs. I know what ou all your thinking … im an idiot... well I think I knew b etter but I really really wanted to believe the best in him. he ws very passive aggressive and expect me to mind read wha tis wrog…… I finally got so fed up.... I had to get out of the silent treatment , ignoring me..... I was a coward I prenteded to die to get out of the relationship. I felt remorse and bad because that was a cowardly immature thing to do. I owned up to that but explained the relationship had to end it wasn't going anywhere . I wished him well.... so rightfully he did have a reason to be mad and told me I understand, can we be friends, everything was my way or the highway. I was going to come and visit but whatever... he said that. he said I want to live my own life and not t lead anyone elses life. he then said up could have come and see e in Singapore but you didn't have money . whatever...…….. I wrote back , I wa in college making 8 bucks and hour working 20 hours a week, how was I going to afford to get there. and 2 I said I didn't know you were expecting me to go there. when I a sked what you wanted . you said nothing and 3 you agreed to mmeet me in Arizona to marry and have a faily after I graduate and get a job out there. I also pointed out if I wanted it my way or the highway. I would have said just come back to Missouri no questions asked... but I took into consideration you don't like the Midwest so I suggested it. but I made it clear I cant afford tow movr to sinapore…. omg … that sucked
I know this video is geared more towards women, but I was just physically attacked by my girlfriend of 9 months for the first time last night. After watching this video, there were several warning signs mentioned in this video leading up to this. Most of these signs started showing in the last couple of months though ... around the same time she went off medication that was helping her with sleep and depression problems. After that, at first she was more joyful, but then came losing her job, arguments with he mom (i only heard the girlfriend's side of the story), and emotional instability. Before that, everything was great.
![[#2024MAMA] G-DRAGON - 무제(Untitled, 2014)+POWER+HOME SWEET HOME+뱅뱅뱅+FANTASTIC BABY | Mnet 241123 방송](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Ox29z5Nf1Uk/mqdefault.jpg)
I ran into a man who had some troubling signs and thankfully we only had one date and the rest of our interactions keep confirming my intuition. Pushy, pursuing me after I told him it wasn’t going to work (like it’s a game or challenge), a strong seductive energy, telling me about a troubled childhood, wanting to be a cop because he likes the “action,” and I don’t like his friend…. It’s tricky because I’m attracted to him but often we are attracted to dangerous things. Listen to your inner feelings. Too many red flags.
I had to get rid of my boyfriend
I loved him so much, after 5 months, I could tell he could be violent
Good on you Jennifer. You advocated for yourself.
Wanting to be a cop is a big red flag.
Confused why you would be attracted to that
Actual video starts at 4:07 about the signs
Thank you!
Spot-on, every single point. Amazing! One small thing I would add. They test your tolerance for physical abuse very early on, usually either by calling it "joking" or and "accident". In my case, he threw an apple core at me and called it a game. I remember being hurt and confused, but I didn't say anything. He also "accidentally" elbowed me in the nose really hard. Again, it didn't seem like an accident, and I was confused, but let it go.
Don't!
If anyone tests your physical boundaries early in a relationship, let hellfire loose. If they have honest intentions, it will be ok. If they are looking for an abuse victim, you're better off without them.
Shit, Ive been wondering aboutthat for the last15 years. He accidentally elbowed my nose so it moved a bit. Ive always wondered if it really was accidentally.
How do you know if they have honest intentions?
Very similar to what happened to me
Apple Core. Baltimore. Who's your friend? Me! *WHACK
How about when they pull your hair? I was having a discussion with the guy that I’m seeing (I was in his car) all of a sudden he grabbed my hair and wouldn’t let go even though I was telling him that he was hurting me he wouldn’t let go, he did it twice but then he said that my hair is long and fluffy that he couldn’t control himself 😡
I just met a guy a week ago and I am already seeing the red flags and then I listened to this video and saw all the flags again. Thank you for confirming my suspicions. ❤
I’m 23 and recently left a 2 year relationship. My mom always said my ex had something she didn’t like. We get confused because they 10 or 20% of the time are loving and caring. My ex has all of these signs, he watched scary content, always had a knife on his head table, would always want to know where I was even if I just took 15 min to go talk to a friend before going to his house or to go shopping, he would get mad and say I was keeping things from him. He always dictated what I should and should not wear, I couldn’t wear a dress with a split let alone a crop top or a bikini. He always said I should be obedient, because that way the relationship would go better and I would be happier. He didn’t like much when I spent time with friends because all my time should be dedicated to him, because if I was his priority, he needed to be mine. I couldn’t go to the gym, so many things I privates myself from to make him secure of himself because he said he had thoughts to kill himself and that I was the only one who took those thoughts away when he was with me (this at the beginning, at the end he just said I wouldn’t go anywhere he didn’t go too). Also I heard rumors he beated up 2 ex girlfriends. I’m went to therapy and my psychologist said I was a victim of an abusive relationship and that it would certainly end in domestic violence sooner or later. That’s where I opened my eyes and got out of it. I recommend everyone in this situation to go to therapy, they will never change, why would you want to do so much good for someone who wants to cause you so much harm. I know it’s hard because we completely loose ourselves because of this person, but I hope everyone in this situation have the strength to get out of it and find something so much better ❤
Thanks for this video.. I just dodged a physically abusive relationship. He was showing many of the signs. Might have had more that I don't even know about coz I didn't spend a lot of time with him. Your video just made me trust my own intuition.. otherwise I was at a point where I was starting to doubt myself and feeling anxious. I am really grateful for this. I feel so light right now.
I know this sounds extremely harsh but I think you should not date men who were abused or witnessed their father being abusive to their mother. Unfortunately I just think the risk is too high with men like this. I’ve dated a few men with troubled childhoods and they all were abusive. Not always physically but definitely emotionally. This is now a HARD boundary that I refuse to break. Men with troubled childhoods are an automatic “no” for me. Also men who didn’t grow up with fathers or good fathers. Automatically a no. I just can’t risk it anymore.
That's fine. Though I do believe there ate plenty of men who have grown up in environments like that who are kind and compassionate. I think it's a matter of trusting your gut. But I can understand why you would be scared of someone who grew up in that environment
The abusive men I've known had absentee, irresponsible, or abusive fathers, with hyper-controlling absentee baby-them-for-life mothers. The contrast between "mothering" & "controlling while never truly being there" with the moms is extreme.
This is so accurate. I dated a guy who would make jokes about physically hurting me like “haha if you snore id have to suffocate you with a pillow” 😳 BOY WHAT and this was like 3 weeks into dating...needles to say I got out very quickly
Def not funny
Wtf? Reminds me of when I dated an assistant prosecutor that saw a street named “ring neck blvd.” it was a beautiful day. we were searching for my friends parents house on the River… like a few minutes away. So I’m feeling excited and happy to introduce him… and out of left field he kinda smirks and says “hm ring neck. Reminds me of growing up with my sisters and just wanting to ring their necks…” and he made the motions with his hands and got intense and shook as he said it… then just went about business like normal. I broke it off with him after that weekend.
@@mellaoctwow 😮
That’s not a good joke at all. I’m glad you left him
It’s so good that you left him. People like that are not safe.
My ex used to say he’d kill me if I cheated on him. It came out of the blue and I remember thinking that no one in my life had ever said that to me.
I left the relationship months later as his verbal and physical aggression became more and more obvious.
Love to all of you who are going through this. You are a good person and you can do it!
Dated a guy briefly but it turned into 2 years of back and forth and emotional drama because I was trauma bounded. The second I challenged him and said no, he spiraled into a monster. Lots of emotional manipulation, making me doubt my sanity, creating alternate realities, long pity stories about his abusive childhood, getting me back, only to treat me worse and punish me for the first time I said no and left him. He was extremely argumentative and said he enjoyed arguing with people. He could turn a compliment or a nice gesture into an argument. He was also a very bitter person and was extremely moody. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up on the news in an orange jumpsuit. He’s a college professor by the way and he has a PhD in Psychology which I think makes him even more dangerous and startling because many women may second guess the abuse considering his academic achievements and success. Happy that I’m no longer around him.
I would also like to add if he loves to hurt animals (kicking dogs, beating cats etc.) it's one of the indicators he can be physically abusive.
psychopath
I’m sharing this with my teenage daughter. If I would’ve been aware of these signs I may not have gotten wrapped up in an abusive relationship. As parents we need to do better about teaching our children about toxic relationships and the warning signs.
Very valuable. My ex grew up under martial law in Pakistan and was bullied by siblings. He has family history of untreated mental illness and had a tyrant for a dad. He always made a point of saying he would never harm women yet was emotionally abusive to myself and our daughter. It was always someonr else's fault in every instance that soured. I am so glad to be out of his life...living with him felt like living in a powder keg, waiting for his ire to be turned my way. So to sum up: take note of all history you can gather from him or family members or even history books! As adults we have to trust so much of what we each disclose with no good effective means to verify that info. If following your gut is not working figure that out in less risky situations and develop trust in your instinct. I spent over 2 decades poo-pooing and standing up for this person who did not care for me (let alone love). Now I am working to have my own direction, goals, and agenda. Which is plenty for now. Thank you for sharing this video, I hope many will take it to heart and those stats can start to reverse. Be strong!
It is NOT your fault for being a kind and caring person! What an assault on your self worth. Just because he was "abused" does not give right to that kind of behavior. It sickens me how powerful and awful these people are. Such Narratives and Narcissism
@PressPause 2Play What an awful comment! Clearly you do not understand how abuse works. I hope the woman that posted this is alive and doing well.
How isolating to feel hopeless. And reading it was your fault.
I call voluntary check into a MI for the heartlessness of you
Yes, right we must come to learn that we are not to ignore that which is right in front office for the sake of being nice.
Not all physical abusers are emotionally abusive, sometimes its subtle and becomes physically abusive when they feel threatened and confronted, I'm talking about narcissistic rage. But it definitely comes from feelings of entitlement
I have read all of Gavin DeBecker’s books, and I credit them for saving my life. When I needed it most, I remembered and did the mosaic assessment. Even though it turned out that I was in imminent danger, I was able to make enough right decisions exactly when needed to stay alive. Now, 8 years later, I still have lingering ptsd symptoms, but I manage them efficiently without medication. I have a life I cherish, am at peace, and thriving. Everything you said was spot-on. Knowing these could save a life.
I need to go back and read that - the mosaic assessment. I remember when Gavin first appeared on Oprah back in her heyday. His book was one of her book club selections. She really knew how to pick em. Gavin is such an expert in his field and has saved so many more lives since.
I am a victim of domestic violence. My husband cheated on me..drank and gambled and did not pay the bills. I had a beautiful daughter who had to endure this. Every time I approached him, He became violent. We are divorced and this has affected my daughter. Thank you for this video as it just validated why I got the divorce. Thank you so much. Your videos really help me in my life.
My life with this person. One year out. Living my best life now!!
Thank you. My ex’s wife has all of these characteristics (minus the weapon, maybe?), plus, she has a degree in psychology and is a pathological liar. It’s not just men who are abusive. Financial, emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse using children against the bio mother is psychological terrorism, in my opinion.I’m hopeful we can neutralize this gender aspect in order to heal these toxic behaviors. There are mean girls/women who are bullies too, and can be some of the most manipulative, deceptive and abusive people in our sphere. Be love.🙏💕🦋
So sorry you had to go trough that my friend. Health and love to you. 💞❤
I'm a lesbian and my partner displays these signs.
I knew girls who were spiteful mean bullies when I was a teenager. I shudder to think what kind of mothers they became.
Yes women can be bullies but in terms of causing death or severe violence it is disproportionately men
@@extrastout1741 yes most abuse is men abusing women. However that doesn't mean what happens to men is any less serious. Abuse is abuse regardless of the gender of the victim or perpetrator.
When ppl always bring it back to 'well it's mostly men who abuse women', it can cause abused men to not bother coming forward BC that is just going to be thrown at them. Some men are killed by women, also homosexual couples.
Thank you so much for this video. It’s really important and clarifying. I’m just getting out of an intense relationship where there was physical roughness during fights (light choking, grabbing arms/wrists, blocking any exit ways, throwing me down and so on) but not enough to leave real marks or damages physically. There was a lot of lying and gaslighting too so I’ve been strongly questioning if I provoked behaviors here. I also grew up with an abusive mom who was sometimes physical and also gaslighting my reality so it starts to pile on and feel like maybe I am the common denominator with unhealed triggers. I’ve lost sense of my own reality and feel so confused and concerned and many mixed emotions. It’s literally too much to explain on a RUclips comment but this video , so so so many things listed here are totally on point about this person.
It was extra confusing because they are someone who once called me while drunk (before dating) crying about a woman who had been getting beat in the apartment complex where they lived, someone who stands up for women’s rights, so there are many aspects of it that have added denial and confusion to the reality.
And yet this video is a kind of validation and clarity I’ve been searching for, like it takes a blindfold off, a clarity I haven’t found so, again, thank you.
And for anyone who read this who is struggling or unsure , when the manipulation and deceit accompanies the abuse and hostility it can be so confusing and disorienting. I don’t have any wise words at the moment other than confusion in general, too much confusion and off feelings like she said in this video, is something to absolutely pay attention to. It’s simply not worth getting caught into a spiral like this with someone. We have to look out for ourselves.
He has four felony arrests- regarding his past two ex wives- “assault on a family member” very very heavy drinker, but he has found God and is a “changed man.” I watched my niece marry this man last weekend and this is terrifying.
Are they still together? 9 mos later
@@allaboardthegravytrain5987 he passed away from covid…..
@@Ashbyee woah
@@lilwoodyify I know…. I certainly didn’t wish death :/
Maybe God’s way of protecting your niece.
Such a great video and such an important topic! It´s so important to pay attention to the "red flags" (the gut feeling) and not justify or push it under the carpet. The gut feeling is always right. Thanks for sharing!
Tone Bekkestad I couldn’t agree more! We aren’t taught to listen to our gut instinct enough...but man is it accurate. Our instincts are often right but we rarely listen to them and rationalize ourselves out of it.
Tone Bekkestad I have that. For months I been trying to find out why. No one knows . I even told someone that knows about narc people and she said is stress. I really need to find out more about this. I feel knot on my stomach when I am around him?
Tone Bekkestad
Valuable video Julia! the statistics are very worrying...so good that you are talking about this on RUclips! xx
Thank you! I was actually shocked when I heard and read these stats.
I think many women don't even realize it. My ex told me it wasn't domestic violence because he didn't punch me in the head/face. He thought it had to meet his definition.
I left when he bought a gun.
This video really hits home for me because a very dear friend of mine was murdered by her fiance-(Not me.. i would NEVER have dreamed of doing this to her!!).... I just pray that people getting abused GET OUT ASAP!!
Get out quickly and quietly.....move as far away as possible .... leave behind what you can't take with you and NEVER expect to go back !!
Many years ago I was in an abusive relationship he choked me out plenty and even broke my ribs. Then I looked in the mirror and realized that this is not me. So one day I fought back broke his face (he was over twice my size) then I drugged him and went to another state. I have never felt that kind of fear again until with my current husband of 5 ears. His verbal abuse is insane and he will go off over almost nothing screaming he wants to snap my neck and then apologize profusely to make it all okay. Today I’ve realized what I’m feeling when this happens. He’s been clean off pills for two years now. I’m in a state where I know almost no one and have nowhere to go. I am going to try counseling. Btw he always says he will never hit a woman.
You need to walk away get yourself in therapy and choose a different kind of man
You deserve to be treated better and to be safe💙
Get away and don't look back. What they say they won't do they will or have already. You deserve better the apology is useless he ends up acting inappropriately again.
Lies and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a major threat to most marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from an abusive, narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. He beat me up and we lost one of our baby in the process. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating, woman beater husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from Cyber Hack Solutions as they helped clone my cheating, wife beater husband’s phone and I got access to all his phone call logs, emails, text messages both deleted texts and also social media chats; whatsApp , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing Hacker David via gmail (cyberhack003) or text and call on his phone and WhatsApp : +15303784744
PLEASE GET AWAY FROM HIM!! HE does not sound like a good guy.
I love your videos! You speak slowly and clearly so everyone can process what you are saying! My daughter’s boyfriend has so many of these signs-she’s been living off and on with him for two years. Two times he has gotten aggressive with her-I think she thinks, that she can save him or give him the mothering he didn’t get! Not a healthy relationship! She won’t listen to any videos I message her, so I shared this on Facebook, hoping she will get curious and listen to it! If not, I hope it helps somebody else!! Thank you!
I’m 23 and recently left a 2 year relationship. My mom always said my ex had something she didn’t like. I hope your daughter managed to get out. We get confused because they 10 or 20% of the time are loving and caring. My ex has all of these signs, he watched scary content, always had a knife on his head table, would always want to know where I was even if I just took 15 min to go talk to a friend before going to his house or to go shopping, he would get mad and say I was keeping things from him. He always dictated what I should and should not wear, I couldn’t wear a dress with a split let alone a crop top or a bikini. He always said I should be obedient, because that way the relationship would go better and I would be happier. He didn’t like much when I spent time with friends because all my time should be dedicated to him, because if I was his priority, he needed to be mine. I couldn’t go to the gym, so many things I privates myself from to make him secure of himself because he said he had thoughts to kill himself and that I was the only one who took those thoughts away when he was with me (this at the beginning, at the end he just said I wouldn’t go anywhere he didn’t go too). Also I heard rumors he beated up 2 ex girlfriends. I’m went to therapy and my psychologist said I was a victim of an abusive relationship and that it would certainly end in domestic violence sooner or later. That’s where I opened my eyes and got out of it. I recommend everyone in this situation to go to therapy, they will never change, why would you want to do so much good for someone who wants to cause you so much harm. Hope everyone in this situation have the strength to get out of it ❤
This sounds like many of the kids I knew as a teenager. I really feel sorry for any partners or children they may have had.
The only thing I have out of this list is that I was bullied in grade school. I've never been abusive and never will. Mama taught me how to treat women.
I think you need to have more than one out the list to qualify. So don't worry. There are plenty of us that are bullied that never became violent ourselves but actually had more compassion for others.
@@ashyh6202 He said " Never" twice.
.Never say Never is saying Never none the less😗?
Then why are you watching this video?
My abuser has the opposite traits she's mentioned, that's the scary part.
Check out doctor ramani’s videos about narcissistic abuse. I went through this big time. Specifically watch the video about love bombing. Sending good vibes 🙏🏻💗
@Shelby B when it's too good to be true, it's not true. :-)
Same here.. my abuser is completely calm.. creepy..
This is so common and frightening. We must talk about it and start doing something about it. It rings so many bells with me. All of the signs you have talked about are really BIG RED flags and must not be overlooked. Often brutal and predatory people with those characteristics are supervisors or managers in companies and institutions and it is not always possible to get out off easily. We must break the silence and talk about violence openly and hope for the victims of abuse to find the strength to get out.
Sometimes that type - advertise themselves to others as managers and supervisors etc., head of this and head of that when they are not, or were not, seemingly with the aim of sounding more important, impressive etc., than the inferior self they realise they are really.
This is exactly how my ex was. He literally hits every single mark.
Same with mine... So glad I left him before he could lay his hands on me...
You speak the words I can't seem to voice. I wish I heard this before the relationship I was in. You do have it down to a T. I hope others retain this information. Thank you.
One I would add is a past assault record on a previous girlfriend or wife no matter how long ago it was if these traits are still apparent. Despite anger management by the courts, an ex still had these abusive ways and I was lucky to get out before I got broken in spirit and trapped in the relationship. Seeing his potential for violence was life saving. Public records exist and best to check them if these points start to appear.
Oh, so you've met my ex then...ticks literally every box you've mentioned from behavior, to community, to family violence, to mental illness. So glad I'm out and safe. I sensed it could escalate quickly.
Not dealing well with stress is a symptom of emotional immaturity oftentimes coupled with a short fuse and fits of rage (high blood pressure is often present) Anything seemingly trivial sets them off They come across as childish and throw tantrums what feels like 24/7 Growing up in abusive, chaotic household can also potentially be a red flag as they never learnt healthy ways of relating to others and take out their life frustrations on you (misplaced anger) Lack of accountability on their part too Rigid, inflexible boundaries They are oftentimes pushy Make snide hurtful comments and then say "I was only joking. Why do you take everything so seriously?! You're oversensitive!" If you accidentally poke them at night while asleep while completely unaware of what you're doing they would use excessive force and poke you back so hard they'd wake you up from deep sleep in an instant and act like the biggest victim ever
I want to post this list as a flier in HS bathrooms the world over. Props for posting this on a VDay 💗 I wish I read this list starting at 12 everyday until college graduation, and since.
No one recognizes the fact that men can be the abused from women. I know, I seen emotional abuse from my mom as her Parkinson's progressed and I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship for months before I couldn't take anymore...the walking on eggshells, the feeling that I was a fuck up, being accused of being controlling, undermining, jealousy until finally when she went off after getting shit-faced drunk I had enough .
Everyone has the potential to become violent given the right circumstances.
Definitely. When people are not feeling heard, even more so. When women lash out and get violent towards their partner, nine times out of ten the man is not listening to her and that can be incredibly frustrating. Things overflow and next thing you know people are being hit.
one time of abuse is one time too many
My boyfriend of a yr has shown some of these subtle signs recently. I told him some great news and we got into a 20 min disagreement and it never got out of hand just back and forth and at the end I sat back and was like wow all this was because I called him to tell him my great news. He also has rigid ideas of relationships and "jokes" about it is his way or no way. I think this is what I needed to see he has no other indicators. Thank you for this. I knew the obvious one's but I never considered these and it made me feel not so good when we were done talking about my good news and I was like what is this why do I feel this was serious.
Sounds like a man who is extremely jealous and only cares about himself. These are not qualifies of someone that you would want to live day in and out with. He sounds like a narcisist and extremely problematic. I would runnn as fast as I can to leave that relationship!
Yep. He had a very abusive mother always talk bad about her. Partied hard. Screamed at other drivers. Found out he stepped out of the Navy to avoid a dishonorable discharge. Accused me of “looking” when I totally never do that. (Still to this day catch myself not look at other drivers other people in store bc I had to learn not to to avoid a fight) But he didn’t physically abuse until I got pregnant and was “entrapped in his snar”. Hard lesson learned.
I'm glad I've never been in such relationship
Me too Lily - It pains me when I think about how common it really is.
Lily Hults I am so glad you’ve never had to experience that. 💜 it’s awful. But it’s really great that still you’re watching videos like this and educating yourself for your own protection and also for others! That’s really great. Stay safe and all the best to you!
You are lucky
@Sawyer Cantrell Bi Polar disorder.
@@fredthompson4568 true
In my last long distance relationship, I had small signs early on: he called himself "intense" from the start (a bit of a warning); he hung up on me when irritated (and then apologized and said he had never done that before in his life); kept calling me by a couple of silly/slightly demeaning names after I had said I didn't particularly enjoy them; trash-talked almost all of his friends and family members to me; seemed to be unusually upset by daily events and interactions; spoke in a very harsh voice when disapproving of a pet's behavior; had unusually aggressive joking behaviour, as if he were a parent talking down to a child. Then, in an argument about feelings in which I was very calm and low voiced and employed non-violent communication, he lost control and said "go to hell, woman, you're crazy and robotic" (he later said my voice was too calm and monotonous and that had irritated him, plus his sister had talked to him earlier, which had irritated him even more - although he did not send her to hell or insulted her). Again, he said he had never done that before in his life, but to me he seemed very comfortable saying those words. I was shocked. He apologized for most of these behaviours, but the thing is, most of them went on even when I was still reevaluating the relationship (he didn't really make an effort to curb them). Hung up on me again, said hurtful things etc. I'm out, but at least I got him into therapy and learned a few lessons myself. I am proud of my own behaviour at least, I believe I'm getting better and better at communication, empathy and questioning my narratives.
Thank you so much for this video. The city I am from has very high rates of domestic violence so I appreciate your message. Also you have given me the power back to trust myself in relationships. As a person who has been a victim of domestic violence in a relationship and after having a violent father, I had stopped trusting myself to make appropriate decisions regarding men.
Wow, this is so informational. It's so interesting to know how many women become a victim in a violent relationship. Thanks for sharing your message.
If someone is reaching out and tell you their partner I'd abusive please listen to them.i told family members and they told me he's just stressed out.
He was very cruel to his dog. 😢 I felt it in my solar plexus😓
😢
Many of these points are valuable, but I think it's also important to recognize that just because someone hits one or even several of these does not mean that they will automatically become abusive. A person could have ADD, have witnessed abuse as a child, have difficult relationships with his co-workers, and have struggled in school, and still be a fantastic and loving partner. Also, some of these warning signs are more important than others! Having a violent run-in with the police is a huge warning sign. Disliking a sibling? Not so much.
My covert narcissist ex had almost none of this checklist. He was also very subtle. Not prohibiting things but more like getting a headache at the last moment. Yet he threatened me at the end and I feared for my life.
Yeah, narcissists are good at masking, especially at the beginning. They want you trapped before the mask comes off. I’m glad you got free.
I'm so glad you are talking about this. It's SO important. My video this week on my channel, is about why you get confused with sexual intimacy, what happens inside you and why, so I"m really in your lane about this and so glad you have put this out into the world. I want every one to see it ... Deep bow. ~Elizabeth
Can we talk about women who commit domestic violence? This is also a dangerous issue
exactly. im a victim of dv as a man. the police were called and I ended up being arrested and charged. it was the worst feeling of my life.
Thank you Julia this resonates with me very much… I think I ticked off a lot of boxes! I have just come out of a verbally abusive relationship and feel it could have turned physically violent! My ex has untreated bipolar and ADD which I wasn’t aware of initially but felt something wasn’t quite right. X
We need to start classes regarding this.
Wow last guy I dated had every single red flag... Scary. He only lasted one month with me. Bye sir
I've been there and that's reason why I have PTSD
Dear Julia Kristina,
YOU can be victimized
by your own parents AND
still choose be a
DECENT GOOD HEALTHY
Human being.
Thank you for this information. Usually I save learning about domestic violence for certain days as that can easily turn my day grey. However, we should all learn about this as it happens in society all too often. Sometimes I wonder the person who went through hardship that caused them to be this way where is the root of the problem (could it be war, loss of a loved one, etc.)
I am no longer bound by this man or his abusive traits and emotional abusive words, I am finally free of being tied to this pain and I renounce myself under self love and healing, He does not have control over me or power.. I am defeating him with the power of Jesus and manifestation. I will live AGAIN and have a rewarding life away from him. He cannot harm me anymore and my value is uplifted with self esteem. I am strong, beautiful, wise and loved. I am free from the possession of narcissism and emotional and verbal abuse from "A" I will find pure love and respectful love, I am deserving of joy and peace and I shall get it because I believe
I have had many episodes of domestic violence, I didn't know about the hotlines hopefully they are more effective than law enforcement. I am all alone and living in isolation because I am afraid it could happen again, if it did I wouldn't have anyone to call to help me if I ever needed assistance. I will never call the police again, they just make everything worse.
Why?
@@nadaahmed3439 It seems they resent people. From what I have seen, they act as if victims deserve the anger they have against the people in their lives. I believe they took their jobs just to destroy lives.
it means I was with a monster and I dumped him months agooo thankkkkk god thank u my goodness
Your videos are golden free knowledge! Thanks for sharing :)
Lots of mothers weren't reporting a violent father in the past because their children would have had a stigma for life.
The law (in Italy) years ago previewed a higher chance of fault when registered as son of a violent father, reason why abused mothers preferred continuing to be abused than going to the police. It's a vicious circle that is fortunately improving with the genZ.
I'm a man who was in a violent domestic relationship with a woman who abused me and was a narcissist in the worst ways with the abuse using my own love against me the love that I had for her and the love that I have for my daughter. Poor excuse for a human being
Was she sociopathic too
@@thenostalgicvegan9523 💯
Julia!! Have seen so many videos trying to find some specific warning signs. By far one of the best videos! Thank you! 🙏🙏
It’s a red flag that I keep watching this video and others throughout this relationship… something in me knows something is wrong but I’m in the “love bombing” stage, I guess. Whenever I bring up a concern like his irrational jealousy he smoothes it over and says it just means I’m important :(
How did things work?
@@Beth1300 I was going to ask also
Ew-im still being stalked 7 years later by a jerk who ticks off almost every box. He's been threatening to sue me after he assaulted me. I wont allow this crazy s.o.b. to bully me into silence. I finally reported him to the cops who did nothing. Found out the jerk, who appeared to have alot going for him, including a high paying job, several nice cars, was a successful musician and local hockey player, had a history of nepotism, drug and alcohol problems, friends with battery histories, narsicism, and peter pan syndrome. He was basicly the most fucked up person, just like he told me, which is probably why he lived all alone in this house he owned. IDGAF if your the rich popular king of the world, a batterer is a batterer.
I'm sorry, having "access to a weapon" is NOT an indicator that someone will become an abuser. Many, many people own various types of weapons and never cause intentional harm to another person.
Yep. All but two or three of these signs, check check check. And then two nights ago he swung a bat at me, shoved me against a wall and choked me.
I'm (hopefully) finishing the process of breaking things off now.
Wow good point with the probation & bullying history. Never thought of that but makes sense. Great video!
I knew something wasn't right with my friend when I would leave her a message and she would rarely get back to me.. I couldn't put my finger on it until sadly she was murdered... I don't know if her family and friends were aware of what's going on....
My friend's fiance was a druggie but this didn't come out until after the murder sadly..
Your absolutely right how can i allow someone squeeze my arm pushing my head with gis finger and pushing how did i think this was normal😪
Please, everyone share, share, share!! Someone I love is the victim of domestic violence and there is, sadly, nothing I can do about it ( I have tried almost everything). The more information like this is shared and the more awareness that is raised, then they will be less able to get away with it.
This is so true and highly valid. Thank you so much. Very helpful.
I really like this video and how Julia explains the signs that someone could become violent. Of course, I will mention that I don't believe in judging people based on the kind of environment they grew up in; I believe they should be judged by their character. I mean, nobody tells you not to be a platonic friend to someone who grew up in a home where there was domestic abuse, right? So why should we tell someone not to be in a romantic relationship with someone who grew up in that kind of environment? Just because someone grew up in a home where there was domestic violence doesn't mean they are going to repeat the cycle with a future partner. Now yes, a lot of the men who beat their wives are repeating what they grew up witnessing in childhood. The type of environment you grew up in can be a powerful influence. But there are plenty of men who have grown up witnessing domestic abuse who rise above what they witnessed in childhood and turn out to be wonderful partners. I know we have all heard the saying, "The apple never falls far from the tree," but that's not a completely true phrase. So just knowing that a man grew up in a home where there was domestic abuse wouldn't be a complete dealbreaker for me although it might make me a bit more watchful of other indicators that he could be an abuser; it might move me to take more time to get to know his true character. But again, I don't believe in judging someone based on the type of environment they grew up in.
He punched me right in my jaw and then climbed on top of me and slapped me . For the first time I’m in pain for days
I got my butt whipped everyday when I was a kid....everyday! I had it coming to. I would never lay a hand on a woman, never. My ex came to stay with me twice after she was beaten. She knew she was safe with me and that I could protect her against her abusers with no weapons. She was so scared, it pisses me off extremely bad to see a human sooooo afraid of another human.
Very powerful video but I think that classifying mental disorders as someone who is abusive is exasperating the problem. I was bullied as a kid and I am not abusive. Abusive people prey on the weak and vulnerable. The biggest organ in your body is the brain and just like any other organ can malfunction. Imagine that we all "informed" people to stay away from someone because they had bone cancer. You essentially blame the victim: "Stay away from people who are bullied".
People in abusive (being bullied) situations are already so isolated.
50 of these things definitely apply to my ex. Glad I got out.
My ex checks nearly all of these boxes. He punched holes in walls while I was standing nearby; kicked down a door; threw things at me; poured coffee all over me; hit me over the head with a pillow over and over again while screaming at me….in every situation he would tell me that he was ‘provoked’ into these things. Then he would tell me how he would never hurt me…..
These things were only the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting were at least as bad.
I married him thinking he was a nice Christian boy from a nice Christian family. Turns out this “nice” family had all kinds of skeletons in the closet, and my ex just carried on family traditions…I wish I had known the signs then to be able to recognize them.
Very useful tips in this video, thanks Julia sharing this video
Alright lady all I have heard you say is he he and more he ok. I actually as a man 6’7” 260 pound welder actually came on here due to my fiancée doing all those same little things you said to me. So do everyone a favor and acknowledge that men get mentally abused too ok. And men love there children too.
Please add that women can be abusers as well.. i have been married to a woman that was an abuser...thank you
I will definitely keep this video handy to share with friends...you are awesome!
It’s worth noting that the violence doesn’t begin with them actually hitting you. If your partner has ever blocked the door to keep you from leaving a room, thrown things (not at you, but in your presence) or broken things when they are angry or during a conflict, threatened self harm to control your behavior, threatened to harm or take your children to control your behavior, or threatened or harmed a pet when they are angry or during a conflict, or grabbed you to move you or restrain you, then you are already in physically abusive relationship. If things have already progressed this far, you aren’t safe, and the situation is not going to de-escalate on its own. The thing about abuse is that once it starts, even if there are apologies and promises made, it gets worse.
I love all the videos I have seen! You are amazing!
I'm SO so glad you are getting a lot out of them Yasmin- that means a lot to me.
I think you should read, why does he do that
This is very powerful. Awsome information. Some one said to me . o when I get angry I have to leave. I just learn a lot today.
My ex once used knife to threaten me! I still being with him for another 4 years on egg shell ... luckily he ghosted me after getting angry with me..I was sad, but thought I was so lucky.
You are literally describing my life right now. Wow 😳
Please take care of yourself and make an escape plan. Take care.
Watched a lot of these types of videos and this is dead on accurate. Thank you
Thank you for this
Y’all should also know that a person can develop/reveal the warning signs over time. When I married my ex, there were few signs of the potential. People can change over time, and can be shaped in negative ways by their life experience. My ex’s experience with war (and his refusal to seek treatment for many years) turned him into an abusive man.
So what's the connection of having low grades in academics to abusive behaviour? Because my ex is like that. he has a history of repeating in high school, low grades, been kicked out or dropped out. He's also a very slow guy. Like very slow. He can't even understand a movie we're watching even with subtitles. I need to explain everything to him, it kills the mood.. All of the signs you mentioned, he has them. He's very abusive. Verbally and physically. We now broke up, it's been 2weeks, I know he's no good for me but the pain is just unbearable. We live together for 2years
I can relate❤ "Being slow" can be a result of brain injury due to domestic abuse he suffered as a child or biochemical changes as a result of childhood PTSD I've once met a woman who had a hard time processing information as a result of head injuries from domestic abuse at the hands of her husband She was a highly intelligent woman Still, it took her a while to process information, focus or even read a book And yes, sadly watching a movie with someone with complex PTSD can be a mood killer even with the subtitles
thx for sharing this
Bad gut feeling here...I dated him in 2019 then a lady caught his attention. We reconnected in 2022. I noticed he got irritated if I felt dizzy. I'd severe thyroid disease. My impression though I couldn't place why, he was tiny and demure was that he might hit people but he'd never done it. I thought I was imagining it. I wasn't. I'd felt a bit of fear as he got very irritated though he never yelled. The bad feeling got much worse yesterday. I thought it was just nerves as we'd made things official it felt off. Partner was acting differently smoking a lot, irritated. Hit me on the shoulder for saying I'd a pain in my head. I'd unfortunately tried again this year. I left. He'd asked me to move in with in with me though the relationship was new not even a month. No way. He Hit me I didn't stay.
Great video.
What are the stats for men that are the victims of domestic violence?
Oh, lesbian relationships have the highest incidents of domestic violence, then hetro, and the lowest are gay men.
This is why statistic have to be stated with care and the context.
In Australia, yelling at the other person is domestic violence / abuse.
HE WOULD CALL ME NAMES && THEN WOULD TELL ME HE'S SORRY . OMG!!!
Do not I repeated do not move in to soon. Or move across country until you have seen them in all scenarios. I almost lost my life. 1st it was being initialed to help him with everything. Driving him to work at 6 AM when I worked nights period expecting me to get a second job.Expecting me to pack his lunch when he couldn't even get it to the car and blaming everything on his a d h d. Long story short. I fled after he told me.I was 30 and used up in.Nobody would ever want me. Called the police on me after I offered him a ride and said that I ran him over when he blatantly lied. And still was trying to get me to take him to work. When I was getting out on moving day.I found a loaded gun just sitting in the couch I had no idea about. Get out while you still can.
WoosAh.. I’m trying to chill.❤️🙏🏿
These stories very disturbing,
This was absolutely terrible and Very difficult to watch
Men keep your cool,
Men mind your temper,
Men breathe, relax, and whatever you are upset about... it is simply not that serious,
Men DONT hurt your Lady,
Never beat up your Woman,
Never beat up your wife, girlfriend, or any woman, that’s NOT is what being a man is.
Beating up a Woman doesn't make a man tough...
Beating up a Woman doesn't make a man strong...
Beating up a Woman doesn't make a man cool...
Beating up a Woman doesn't make a man a man....
Beating a woman is Not masculine
Beating Women is NOT sexy
Beating Women is NOT manly
Using abuse, and force for sexual gratification, intimidation, by harmful behavior for sexual intimacy with someone doesn’t make a man, strong, tough, cool, or, manly.
I believe in the Safety and Well-being Women, Children, and Men
WOMEN Have the RIGHT to FEEL SAFE and BE SAFE
This is a reply post regarding a article on Assault Against Woman:
For what is statistically true, or accurate, and even what is not included statistically, and all other crime such as this is what is ( violence against women) Always unacceptable...
Women have the Right to Feel SAFE and be Safe...
No woman..., or person....child...should ever have to experience this kind heinous personal intrusion in their lifetime, this seems to be occurring at least according to news reports more, and all to often.
Actually this activity should be in a stage, or state of Reversal, and NOT Increasing, I am continually upset as well as greatly disturbed in hearing such stories, as I have always have been...
My Heart Always... goes out to any person which have experienced any such similar experience of intrusion, attacks, and, or invasion of their personal well-being... due violence, and or violent behavior,
I will continue Praying for the Safety and Well-Being of Others...
Keep everyone SAFE
PLEASE BE SAFE
Your Life is important
Advocate of Humanity, Author, Writer, Poet, Safety Advocate
Jason Sandifer,
Michigan
MESSAGE REPOSTED
10/28/2021
m y ex told me to go die when i was upset with him. I was flabbergasted on a sudden change in behavior. he had been over seas for awhile. I told hi onn no uncertain terms do you ever say that to me. and yes he liked drugs. I know what ou all your thinking … im an idiot... well I think I knew b etter but I really really wanted to believe the best in him. he ws very passive aggressive and expect me to mind read wha tis wrog…… I finally got so fed up.... I had to get out of the silent treatment , ignoring me..... I was a coward I prenteded to die to get out of the relationship. I felt remorse and bad because that was a cowardly immature thing to do. I owned up to that but explained the relationship had to end it wasn't going anywhere . I wished him well.... so rightfully he did have a reason to be mad and told me I understand, can we be friends, everything was my way or the highway. I was going to come and visit but whatever... he said that. he said I want to live my own life and not t lead anyone elses life. he then said up could have come and see e in Singapore but you didn't have money . whatever...…….. I wrote back , I wa in college making 8 bucks and hour working 20 hours a week, how was I going to afford to get there. and 2 I said I didn't know you were expecting me to go there. when I a sked what you wanted . you said nothing and 3 you agreed to mmeet me in Arizona to marry and have a faily after I graduate and get a job out there. I also pointed out if I wanted it my way or the highway. I would have said just come back to Missouri no questions asked... but I took into consideration you don't like the Midwest so I suggested it. but I made it clear I cant afford tow movr to sinapore…. omg … that sucked
some bell did ring.
Yikes I’m very worried I see a lot of signs my husband does to me
I know this video is geared more towards women, but I was just physically attacked by my girlfriend of 9 months for the first time last night. After watching this video, there were several warning signs mentioned in this video leading up to this. Most of these signs started showing in the last couple of months though ... around the same time she went off medication that was helping her with sleep and depression problems. After that, at first she was more joyful, but then came losing her job, arguments with he mom (i only heard the girlfriend's side of the story), and emotional instability. Before that, everything was great.