Apply for a FREE "Breakthrough To Lasting Love" personal coaching session with Valerie here: www.coachvaleriegreene.com/dap/a/?a=141&p=www.coachvaleriegreene.com/free-strategy-session
Hi Stephany! The links to all the videos I’ve done with Valerie are in the description, and I’ll include that one here too: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html
Do you have a video on how to get an anxious back? Now that I understand what happened I feel more confident to work on myself but I'd love the chance to show him we can do it together. I have been in no contact for 2 months.
Remember though, relatively, the more anxious you are, the more avoidant they seem. I learned this the hard way over several years of dating avoidants. I changed my behavior, figured out how much attention did I really need and how much was just an insecure attachment style and I have found a (fairly)avoidant (but good communicator) that I can see myself being with forever, but it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't addressed my own behavior first.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! Yes, we talk more about that in these videos: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
@@Stevengomez-j6q yes, although I feel labels are limiting to the point of uselessness when it comes to understanding interpersonal relationships. No one fits neatly into a list of qualities designated as belonging to specific groups.
I've been married to my DA for 13+ (17 together) years and we have a special needs child together. We really understand each other very well (I tend to be fear avoidant) and respect each other. There are a lot of upsides and downsides but I think patience, modeling and loads of space has been key. I am learning to stop taking his deficits personally and working on myself. I can't change him (not my job) but I know being less reactive and emotionally explosive and instead more positive reinforcement has helped form safety. Don't be a doormat but don't be a raging beast either. I've been with a narcissist too and DA are NOT them. DA can change and if willing, do introspection to make lasting change. Narcissist DO NOT change and are disordered! I lean heavily into my feminine role and let him lead. I support him, encourage and give him opportunities to show up as my HERO.
Me & my husband have been together for 7 years and for 6 of those years I’ve been living with his severe detachment behaviours. Two weeks ago he left me and he finally admitted that he can’t show me the love that I deserve. He says he loves me the same way he did when we first got together but in truth he doesn’t really know what love is. I’m a secure style and I’ve also felt smothered in the fact that he moved in with me and then avoided me so I couldn’t be me in my own home. Now he has left (we have kids) we have since talked through our issues and decided to start dating but to do it in a very relaxed manner. Not sure if it will work but this video has really helped me because all the others seem to be about only narcissistic personalities and I don’t believe he is narcissistic. This is showing exactly what I can do to help him help us both. Thanks 🙏🏻
Great discussion on this topic, insightful. I had already decided I cannot go on with my avoidant partner. This video helps me understand that Im clear about my decision. Its too painful of an existence and an empty life bc I always have to worry what is going to makes him uncomfortable, watching everything I say or being surprised by his constant mood changes as he creates distance. It resuled in me suppressing my own needs daily bc if you “ask him to do anything” he bristles and scoffs, then fights and blames to rationalize why he shouldnt do anything (they cannot be obligated to anybody for anything) , but they will do favors for strangers. Both the appearance of lack of regard for me to the others they help and the awful feeling that Im abandoned for just the basics that he will give to others, has made it a deal breaker. Not worth it. And to show vulnerability is to be punished by them, so if you want to live like a military soldier, knock yourself out. Im out just 1 week now. I feel sad but also relieved. Add on/editing that life is messy and when two people are in a relationship and going though life, things happen and it creates pressure that is placed from the outside as well as the inside and it’s not like people have nothing better to do than just figure out how to make an avoidant comfortable in a relationship. They need to rise to the occasion sometimes and they are unable to do this unless the circumstances are just perfect so your life will be very difficult if you choose to be with an avoidant who has not done work on themselves or created insight to their own behaviors. Pining after the is classic. They can have them
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here, I know many women can relate. I’m glad this video give you clarity on making the right decision for yourself! 💜
Very well put. The military thing. Every basic emotional need is considered annoying. After chasing my avoidant partner for a year for actual commitment, he cheated on me. 2 months later he came back promising the world. I gave him a chance. 7 months later, he broke all his promises. The only thing that has changed, is that now he tolerates my presence all the time. Every attempt to discuss any emotional or more difficult topic is dismissed and I get an angry response and total rejection where I am left crying. It's time to leave...trying to find the courage.
I can relate to this, if you show any vulnerability and I mean any, it will trigger the avoidant. That could mean you being sick, grieving a loss or you being tired. For me it was extremely hard to deal with while pregnant and freshly post partum, that seemed to have triggered him so much, I was absolutely in shock how bad he got with his attempts to pu(ni)sh? me away because I showed neediness. I hadn't even heard of attachment styles at that point so I had no idea what was happening. People should be warned that this might happen, it's not about not getting enough hugs or romantic words, it's about getting support when you can't survive without it and not having someone emotionally destroying you when you're at your most vulnerable. I hope you're in a better place now in your life.
"Bread Crumbing" you....that's the exact term I've used: he likes to bread crumb his affection, dole it out in little portions and then act like you're just being being "a little hog" (the very words he used) when it comes to wanting daily hugs, hand holding, etc.
My girlfriend FA bread crumbs me with intermittent affection. We just got back from vacation, she refused to hold my hand. I’m about at the end of my rope with her.
Wow this was AMAZING soooo helpful thank you Valerie and Helena - I tend towards the anxious style and I can now see he is a classic avoidant - was getting so fatigued and confused about the cycle where we get really close everything is going great and then he becomes so critical of me pushing me away and being unkind so opposite to how he was just the day before ... now I am seeing the pattern and getting some amazing revelation on the whole thing! This is going to be so helpful as I was becoming so exasperated! and taking his distancing behaviors personally resulting in a lot of emotional pain
This pattern is SOOOO common. The videos we made about anxious attachment and transforming conflict into intimacy will be helpful for this pattern too. The links are in the description.
Also... there isn't anything wrong with wanting closeness (anxious) i.e 'a need', it's just the avoidant makes it sounds like you're 'needy' I have needs, I'm not needy. Im 36 and I've brought up 2 kids alone, great job, own house etc... but I'd like to be in a relationship now (following 1 year healing from a 6 year relationship with a narcissist)... So I guess, I 'need' someone (including friends or otherwise) to show up for me? 🤷♀️ otherwise what's the point - right? I can't be intimate with someone but can't connect with ... it's weird I've been on a date (x5 dates actually) with a - now what I understand to be avoidant style personality - and I can't do it. We have a great time together but then I hear nothing, he'll text but won't phone. I said I'm not a texter, can you call... but he refuses point blank to speak on the phone. It's very weird. He says he's stubborn. That's not stubborn, that's pig 🐷 headed 🤭 At the very least, I'm going thr right way in my healing journey. From Narcissistic 🔛avoidant 🔜secure ✅🥰 Thanks for the video. I'm off to watch your 'healing the anxious attachment style' video now - keep em coming
You’re welcome! Thanks for sharing your experience here, I know many women can relate. These videos should also be helpful going forward: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/x8yKaWNdq7g/видео.html.
An anxious cannot diagnose where in the spectrum an avoidant falls because their anxious behavior dictates that. So if an anxious has a 50% avoidant partner, they are 50% anxious.
I’m surprised with my upbringing I’m not the avoidant. I’m listening to this because I realized my last connection is an avoidant style 🥺and I think I ruined it with my anxious. Which I’m working on. And even though I feel helpless and it’s over maybe I can be proactive for future connection 🥹
Thanks for sharing your experience here! These videos might also be helpful for anyone who can relate: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/user/liveSmr_BATJ830?feature=share.
It's very draining to have to tip-toe around them and the childhood wounds that they choose to not deal with in adult life. I am learning that more and more. At some point, you really have to ask yourself if it's all worth it...
Extremely draining. When he makes you invisible because he does not, can not hear or discuss any 'Life" events. As women, we internalize everything and then try and 'fix' the situation. Dealing with an avoidant personality type can be DETRIMENTAL to one's mental health. Never been kissed, no hugs, no holding hands, etc. You should not have to LET GO OF WHAT YOU NEED to thrive in order to sustain a relationship.
But if the answer is yes, you would want to learn to love them and support them.. I think modelling secure attachment for your partner consistently can actually heal insecure attachment style.
@@tondraprice1498 agreed. This snowflake society is gearing people to enable bad behaviour. We ALL have to take responsibility for our healing. I'm going through this right now. Got the full on love bombing to get me sucked in and feelings have happened. Now he's basically ignoring me and playing the victim card. So if you're not ready don't engage in dating. 🤷🏼♀️ Don't get someone's hopes up then jump to the next person. It reeks of Narcissistic patterns rather than attachment style. But the info in this interview is interesting. What happened to meeting someone who's your equal so you can move forward and grow together?
The hardest thing with an avoidant that I've found is when something really bad or life changing happens and you really need your partner to support you but he gets visibly annoyed and throws a fit instead. This can actually lead to potentially dangerous situations and definitely a lot of resentment.
This is what parents breed out into the world by the millions when they all have the collective idea, "hey quit cryin, you're not suppose to cry, if you want hugs and kisses all the time, you're not getting it bc I'm not that kind of parent". They ignore them a LOT, always on their phones and not paying attention to them. They develop a coping mechanism to make them feel better. And that's to shut off bc you'll just get burned and that hurts. Cold, ignoring parents make these by the millions on a daily basis. Even more so since social media and posting about politics came about..
1. First take care of your own needs and step into his shoes to understand him, see how your behavior triggers him 2. Speak to him in a soft tone - not overly emotional. Acknowledge his needs in a lighthearted, loving way 3. Be very clear and direct - inspire him to meet your needs instead of telling him what to do 4. Once he feels the emotional safety and sees that his need is important to you, inspire him to meet your need. Modelling: teach him empathy by empathizing him first. Last but not least, acceptance is key.
Waaaayyyy to much work. Its like being a mom and trying to teach a 6 year old how to be a friend. 3 years before I researched amd found the actual problem. Avoidants need to do work before they try relationships or it just ends up being a very one sided relationship with a lot of lonley moments. The reward, in my opinions just is t worth it. You will carve yourself out trying to make them comfortable.
My boyfriend (avoidant) and I were in this horrible cycle. I listened to this (and your other videos with Valerie) over and over again and tried to talk to him. Guess what, he finally opened up! Thank you so so much ❤
I've been in a relationship with a man for many years, and he had an avoidend attachment style. I have a combination of secure and anxious attachment style. I got burned out in the relationship. He couldn't work with me. I can't be with someone who can’t show emotions and giving me touch. I left him and I glad I did, because I'm not here on earth to serve or heal or be someone else's mom, because she couldn't show him love the right way.
This! We've got 3 kids and another on the way. I can't emotionally support 2 preteens, cope with their mood swings, comfort an infant and teach him to walk and be pregnant and exhausted, while figuring out his issues and make sure his needs are met. His needs have been met first for years with no reciprocation. I'm worthy of attention and love. I'm worthy of being pursued. I'm worthy of more than half hearted effort or no effort.
I'm an anxious attachment style with an avoidant attachment style partner. Every day l feel like breaking up with him. But somehow when l decide to break up, l can't seem to walk away. Is it just me..l seem to attract this type. Sometimes, think l'm done with relationships.
Hi Betty, thanks for sharing your experience here, I know many women can relate. This video should be really helpful if you haven't seen it yet: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html
I think you’re suffering from codependency, and savior complex. You’re not putting your own needs first, you’re putting his needs and have happiness before yours. It’s essentially self abandonment
Look what I did: establish a time period for myself ( depending on how long you've been with him...it can be 2 months or a year). During that time, I harmoniously expressed my needs and wants. I wrote in my journal and rated every date (level of his e pressing love, eroticism, connection etc- you know what matters to you). Then I drew the line and decided it was just not good enough and said good bye to him. I spent way too much time in sollitude in this "relationship". Life is short. Let's live and love!
I tried to be understanding and accommodating for one year, they push you over and over again to the point that you finally become so upset that simply and absolutely can't take it anymore. I just don't think anyone can possibly put up with this BS of avoidant attachment in their partner or Narcissistic traits. A relationship without intimacy doesn't exist.
By setting boundaries & trust is huge for them also, communicating your needs without sounding needy, & space is prob the biggest thing . They will offer hints when they needing space , you learn your partners ques .
Helena, how do these avoidant-type men respond the the feminine energy techniques that you & Adrienne discuss? I've been watching both of your videos but I haven't run across any (yet) that discusses this type of man & this type of relationship dynamic. If he feels that no one really has needs, then that sounds like he would not naturally feel compelled to try to fulfill the desires of his woman or at least not on a consistent basis.
It seems to me as long as you can respect his need for space and alone time he will eventually seek to maintain your connection by seeking to meet your needs, which are probably best expressed as preferences, nes pas?
He won't - he doesn't hear 👂 you. Basically I wanna be with you, stay away from me unless I want you to do something for me. A pick you up, put you down when it suits him Dynamic? 🤷♀️
This video has been so healing! There are two potential men in my life right now. They both exhibit avoidant traits and don't reach out as often as I would like in a partner, so I'm not sure if I have a future with either of them. But this is secondary, because this video has made it clear that I AM still controlled by my anxious attachment and still have work to do on myself. I absolutely have difficulty self-soothing and go into crisis mode when someone takes a day or two to respond to me. I keep it to myself and don't blow up at them, which is progress for me, but it has absolutely diminished my inner light and made me too sad and stressed out to enjoy my life in other ways. I've neglected my family and friends because I was so sad! I'm going to check out that book and this woman's RUclips channel because her words are music to my ears! Thank you 🙏
You don't have to change a thing about yourself, and you will still find people who are equally as excited to hear from you, and are mature enough to express it. I understand this video is for people who want to make it work with a dismissive avoidant. But again I ask myself... at what cost? At what point are you wearing yourself down and pretending to be someone you're not in hopes to "make it work"? I'm appreciative for videos like these because they help me not take others needs too personally. But it still begs the question- is it really worth it? Maybe that other person is meant to stay with someone equally as unaffectionate. Let those types find each other and have sexless marriages. I don't see them trying to change. Why should I?
This interview has helped me so much. I have been learning about this dynamic, have hurt in my relationship for so many years, and realize the part I have played in our difficulties. Thank you so much for giving me some renewed hope and strategies for healthier interacting.
Let's be clear this applies both men and woman. I am currently dating a female with an avoidance attachment style, very challenging at times. Thanks for the information this helps me understand her needs more.
This was such a helpful interview! My boyfriend is avoidant and I have known that from the beginning but never knew how to relate to him (I'm anxious but have been working through my things in therapy). I had the best talk with him yesterday after listening to the advice from Valerie, thank you so much! He's a good man, just a little damaged and I didnt want to toss him aside due to our poor communication/misunderstandings. Now that I know how to approach him and have effective communication, it was so much easier!
Thanks so much for sharing your experience here, Annemarie! 💗 These videos I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
My boyfriend was like this and nothing worked until I changed myself! Connecting with myself (not avoiding myself or my own needs and put them first) settimg boundaries and using properly my femm energy. Then the shift is happened!!!🙏 if you have an anxious attachment first you need to work on your own beliefs and fears/traumas so you can stop your pattern of your wounded inner child. When you change and stop demanding and you find your strenght in your femmenine energy then he is not feeling pushed anymore so he can tune into his masculine and this inspires him. The environment becomes safe and intimacy is freedom and respect. You stop doing demands and more requests (no output expected) then he starts also to change...and of he is not you have the freedom to leave! Change yourself first to see the change in the world and become the person you would like to attract👏👏❤
This was an amazing video! I have gained so much already in just the first 10 minutes. Like it’s hitting me so deep to my core! I’m currently separated from my husband and this, is writing my life on wall. I still love my husband so much. I thought that we just weren’t a good match. But I’m learning... so much healing is needed.
@@SK-no2pp very easily. Like a regular dude. Then after the wedding day the cracks slowly appear. You can feel alone and unloved as time goes on but you may stay because of other reasons. I focused on my kids, job and friends .
Sounds like me, us! So complex. I think we both have this combination of things- avoidant, anxious, dismissive. And if more than one person has any of these as well...chaos! I recognize so many of these behaviours from my other and me.
i know very very neat to have it so told how we are affected by childhood and how we can fix ourselves and help our partner with what they need or dont need, bravo!
The person I've been with for almost 7 years clearly has avoidant attachment. I have been very patient. He flirts with women he knows online. Makes me feel inadequate. He opens up and seems to share fully with friends and people he's not intimate with, while never considering me. I love him and believe strongly that he loves me. But I feel this relationship has been mostly about him, rarely about me.
thanks, this explains why he is the way he is, too much hard work for me, can't be bothered. I'm the anxious attachment, he won't and refuses to work with me like you suggest. I need someone who is more into making me safe and secure. Wayyyy too much hard work and a headache for me. Thankyou so much
Yes, Riss. It's up to every individual to decide whether the work is worth it or not. There are plenty of guys with a secure attachment style out there; if you do the work of evolving your own patterns, then you're more likely to meet one
I just got out of a situation like this!! 😥 I wish I had seen this before. It's hard to deal with these men and I tried using alot of Adrienne's feeling statements and they weren't working. Instead of persons suggesting this to me, ppl kept telling me that he didn't want me or wasn't into me when in reality this was his issue. I'm realising that all men I attract are like this! I also have an anxious attachment😞 It's alot of work dealing with these men.
Im healing some childhood trauma and learning a lot about my childhood wounds. Dating advice that has told me if “he doesnt respond to texts within a day or if he cant find 4 seconds to respond to your text or forgets to answer because hes busy at work - it means hes losing interest” that stuff really made it hard for me to stay calm and believe my avoidant partner was just busy. I was convinced he was losing interest because he wasnt pursuing. I ended the relationship and am now learning to nourish and give myself what i need more and also learning that it doesnt always mean they arent interested. They just might have a different attachment style and i may need to ask for what i need and not lean back, if that makes sense.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Linda! I know many women can relate. These videos might also be helpful in terms of healing your own wounds and patterns: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
Thank you both for this. 🙏🏻💕 I took 3 pages of notes!! A gal/guy isn’t necessarily a bad person it’s just that they are bad daters if they haven’t done this type of work on themselves.
Hi Reigning Angel Co. :) Yes, I've helped many couples where one has an avoidant attachments style to be able to let love and intimacy in and develop a secure attachment. It does take work and patience so you need to decide for yourself if it's worth it for you.
@@valeriegreene have you done any videos on how to get one back after they break up? I only learned after our breakup what his attachment style was. I was patient for 3 years building a friendship that turned into a romantic relationship only to get dumped because I had needs.
@@kristinaldridge1712 I did do a webinar about how to get your ex back. You can watch the replay. I'm no longer running the mentioned promotion but you can reach out to me via the links that Helena provided in her description above. This is the replay for that webinar: ruclips.net/video/eTXacPhn_Nw/видео.html
I think they do love you just don’t know how to express it or that your needs and his, both coming from a place of love, are diametrically opposed. I say this as someone in one of these relationships
Hi Helena, I love this video! After watching this video, I am certain the man I've been dating for a month has avoidant attachment. Oh my gosh, it all makes sense now. I have anxious attachment, can you do more videos like this, please.. Thank you so much! 💜💞💜💞💜💞
I'm so glad this gave you some clarity, Melissa! Yes, I can definitely do some more videos on this topic. In the meantime, be sure to check the description to see all of the other videos I've recorded with Valerie, they should be really helpful for you.
My dismissive husband of 40 years is a classic one. I only recently found out what was wrong all these years. We hardly ever had sex and right now it has been 5 years. This the number one thing that makes me so mad . So I am pretty much just a bitch . No touching .No kissing . nothing . I am sorry I wasted my life with him. I cannot imagine what could have happened with his mother . His siblings seem normal. Unless him being the 3rd born she was just overwhelmed.
Why would you stay with him for 40 years, and waste your own life by not having any kind of intimacy in love. There must be a part of you that felt like it doesn’t deserve better
The MAIN issue I have found when in a relationship with a DA is that it is quite exhausting! Not that it isn't worth it, but you do need to be ready to put out a lot of effort!
Excellent and helpful video!! Please continue the conversation on this topic. I’m currently trying to love my dismissive avoidant guy through this and I sometimes want to move on and leave but I love him and there are so many wonderful things about him - his integrity, loyalty etc that I would love for us to work out and inspire more of a secure attachment in him. Thank you both ladies 💜💐
As an avoidant, I was not even the one who sought out the relationship. The one who sought it out does not give space, but attempts to extract everything I have before I even have it to give. (She does the same with her family and friends.) so for those of you struggling with avoidants, I’ll ask this: have you had a string of such relationships? And are you looking to extract love, rather than creating the space for it to grow? Just a few things to ponder before blaming all the issues in your relationship on your avoidant partner. Remember, a relationship is not 50-50. It’s 100-100.
Not looking to "extract" anything but I'm not wasting a single minute on people who won't give it, either. DAs can spend their entire lives alone for all I care. I deserve better than being dismissed and disregarded and I shouldn't have to beg.
It sometimes seems like trying to appease an avoidant person is more trouble than it’s worth. Kinda feels like you have to go above and beyond to get them to be attentive.
If they need a lot of space & don't care about our needs & afraid of intimacy then how are they going to have a true love & meaningful relationship in their life.? I had one who recently ghosted me. He was afraid of getting hurt again from past traumatic marriages but seemed like he still wanted the closeness of being with a partner & found him looking for love/ friendship on 2 dating websites where I met him on the one last year.
Is this true for a separated man, a man getting a divorce or divorced man? Does he have this style because he's afarid of being hurt and isolates his feelings or departmentalizes is feelings? Seems like he can't handle intimacy and building relationships for fear of being hurt. Also deep loss...death of a best friend and an unexpected end of a parent's life (mother) and pet losses. It sounds like an avoidant attachment, right? I can understand what Valerie is saying about a tiger. He feels crowded, afarid. Also, the parents teaching independence from childhood. Valerie, you're incredible! I love this guy. I will keep being a friend for his heart. I will not give up. A relationship beyond best friend is meant to be. I'm patient. Thank you so much. I think for him: (avoidant attachment) Neglect, forced independence, losses and an abusive marriage (domestic violence), he feels his needs don't matter. Myself: (anxious attachment) Losses, fear of abandonment, a domestic violence marriage, insecurities and a teenage rape. I love your techniques. I will be watching this often to learn how to model a secure attachment style. You know what he says often.."I don't need hugs". Everyone needs a hug. I like the 30 second hug. Thank you so much, dear teachers💜💜 Helena and Valerie, dear friends
I probably wouldn't hang on to a possibly hopeless situation with this guy. You're not his caretaker. Time to move on to a healthy relationship instead of trying to fix this one.
So I myself am Fearful Avoidant, and this video felt like a very much needed hug. I resonated with most things that were talked about, and it also hurt to realize where a lot of my behavioral patterns come from. I thought about the times I chose flight after being overwhelmed by emotions and it gave me so much compassion not just for the other person but also for myself. Wow. I am so grateful for every single one of my ex boyfriends. They loved me for who I was even though I was so emotionally un-evolved at the time. Hurt people hurt people, and we all go around projecting onto others until we become aware about our unconscious thoughts and feelings. Healing this requires a whole new level of love for others and myself, especially thinking about my parents. But it has to get done.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and insights here, I know many people can relate. This video I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html
I have to say that I feel a deep resentment towards fearful avoidants. I have been with many and I find that my life has been irreprably damaged by them. Im glad you feel like you made some progress, however I wonder if those ex's know and how they would feel to hear you say that they 'helped' you. I bet that it doesnt make them feel any better about the hurt they felt.
My mother was full time house wife but TOTALLY avoidant, my father even more avoidant and also from military force. It was like being raise up by robots. They-re not bad people. But it was painful to the point I wish to die many times. NOW I understand them. And guess what, I love my avoidant partner, who is humiliated by his mother for being like that, and no woman stick with him cause they don't SEE him for what he is! A high moral, honest, worker, generous guy! His rare demonstrations of affection are totally precious , sincere and powerful. I feel like he's the one that understand my avoidance to.
I find that one of the most important hurdles to overcome in building a genuinely nurturing, safe, and loving relationship is being willing to recognize that 50 percent of the people that are available for a relationship are not at fault for having very conflicted emotions surrounding the topics of relationships, intimacy, and communications so there are bound to be any number of emotional storms that partners will have to weather before you can be confident that you have created a safe harbor for yourself with a partner capable of trust and accountability.
Pretty sure I'm some kind of avoident attachment/fearful attachment. And one of my partners definitely seems avoident attachment. He is sweet, and interesting, and engaging but I can tell when he needs to pull away. He starts to go quiet or seems to get grouchy. It helps that I can recognize it. Recently I'm going through a really hard time and deep down I really crave his presence, because being around him makes me feel really safe. However, I understand that his security depends on his time and independence, so I try not to push him. Usually I'll just send him funny memes, or wait for him to greet me, or don't pressure him to respond to the 'I love you's' I usually throw at him. Lol some days I won't hear too much from him but then there are days where he asks to spend time with me, and comforts me the best way he knows how. It's really nice. 💖 Things that help if I am hurting, and I need his presence, sometimes I'll say "I respect your space so I am understanding if you aren't in the space too, but if you are, could I just sit in a call with you for a bit?" Usually it works pretty well.
So insightful! My partner can be avoidant, especially when we are having a disagreement or argument. I dont think his parents were neglectful but I do think his culture plays a part. I'd be interested to see a video about communicating with a partner with culture differences. My partner is Indian and indian men can be quite cold at times because of their culture/upbringing I feel. Can you do a video touching on this?
I mentioned this in a thread on another channel and got slammed for it. You are CORRECT sometimes culture does play a role. It amazes me how some persons refuse to be culturally aware.
Indian men are raised by parents who are authority figures… it’s hard to get close to them… because the parents are always so harsh… and demanding in their parenting approach.. it’s so not you but it’s him. I would let him know what you need and then leave him alone.. and see how he responds
I’m married to an avoidant who doesn’t want to work on anything. Refuses counseling, I’ve tried sending some videos, I have found workbooks... he doesn’t want to do any of it. Any advise beyond modeling?
Those red flags are spot on! Hindsight after 3 decades of being avoided. It’s a challenge that made me grow and I’m grateful! But had I known then, I might have chosen an easier way
This was really go9d as I have met someone advoidant and we have very intimate conversations so this has been huge. Im anxious attachment and new to dating Conversations have been he wants to get so help so it doesnt get in the way. I will honor and respect that. Thank you to you both😊
You’re welcome, Victoria! These videos should also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
Why do these people bother getting married if they are hurt and need to work on themselves? The spouse is left alone, to fend for themselves in the cold. What's the point? How destructive and selfish to get married and to have children under these conditions. I feel trapped and deceived...stuck in a lonely and cold relationship. I can't divorce because he isn't abusive and my children need a stable home...but staying is killing me slowly. If they want freedom then why involve others in this cold hearted mind game?
I needed this so much, i know now for sure my boyfriend has an avoidant attachment style and i think i have an anxious attachment style. How do you tell them that they need to recognize that he needs comfort when he is avoidant?
So someone tell me what is the best way to deal with this kind of man who's mother neglected him as a childhood. Don't require intimacy & give him a lot of space? Then he should stay by himself & play with himself every day, right..
I’m glad you enjoyed it! These videos I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html and ruclips.net/user/liveSmr_BATJ830?feature=share.
Thank you for validating those who stay with avoidant attachment style partners. I am anxious attachment and it feels like my inner child found another wounded kid on the playground and so we have been wounded in different ways, and sometimes we put up with some sh*t with each other, and other times we heal each other in such a beautiful way. Him needing space feels like my world is crashing down, but as I’ve healed more I’m finding I have more strength to allow his needs now without taking it as ‘neglect’. This word is thrown around far too much, along with ‘toxic’. For those with anxiety it’s often very difficult to tell the difference between a trigger/emotional flash back etc… and a ‘gut feeling’. I’ve had a ‘gut feeling’ before that someone was standing behind my curtains in the house, when I was in a particularly bad emotional flashback of being alone in a house as a child. I don’t feel weak to support another in need, I feel thankful I have come as far as I have and I’m reaching out my hand to another to help him too.
You’re welcome, Alexandra! These videos I recorded with Valerie should also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
WOW. This video is nearly 3 years old and im sitting here right now praising lord jesus almighty for you! This just opened a closed blind for me, i was so upset because i didnt know how to really deal with my sometimes very avoidant man. Thank you!
I'm willing to work on my behavior if that shifts his behavior. How do we work on this together to save our marriage? My husband is avoidant to a T and yes I see his trauma and what his mom put him through :(
Wow Valerie & Helena, just listened to the 'tips- you have highlighted profound & much needed pathways of awareness & healing, that many have not been aware of until you shared them now. This is now accessable to humanity. Life & the world can transform positively. Awesome work, thank you!!
For years I've been vexed about my husband's dissmissive-avoidant attitude, which made ZERO sense to me. You've shined a light on the whole situation. I am more understanding now. We are creating more deep moments of love & connection. ❤
29 years with an avoidant. I’ve opened my eyes to my part in being codependent and catering to his every need while rarely ever getting my needs met. I’d walk away if I had known about attachment styles. A securely attached person wouldn’t have put up with the constant anger and moodiness and selfishness.
So resonates! I could NOT get my head around my person who u know loves me - that can be SO sexually intimate, close and frankly, amazing. Yet, then opposite and ICE cold. I will then react with my own attachment (abandonment) style and it's very difficult. Listening to this really helps. I was worried that he might be a narcissist but it just didn't make sense. I know he isn't a player and he's 'a good person' who has been traumatized. Not only that he also is suffering from PTSD (escaped from war and lost his family) just to add to the complexity. He doesn't understand why he acts and reacts certain ways so I really need to understand. 😬🥴💔
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Beth! These videos might also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/b7esH5LrKZA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
My fiance is he same kind of man. It is really challenging when I feel like my needs are being met at times and it is amazing and then at times, it's just cold.
I need more from Valerie. I broke up with my DA due to being overwhelmed with his deflecting and defenses. I do want to save our relationship. I completely believe I am securely attached and 4 yrs of not understanding him.
Hi Dawn, I’d recommend applying for a free Breakthrough Session with Valerie as I know she could really help you with this. The link to apply is in the description of this video. 💜
I’m an anxious attachment style but I wouldn’t be willing to do all this work unless my partner would be willing to try. I was dating a fearful avoidant and he only wanted to meet up once a week and that would never work long term for me. I constantly felt unheard and it felt like it was 1 sided. And, I had to tip toe around what I said constantly, just so I didn’t trigger him.
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here! These videos might be helpful for you going forward: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
This is really great and real . I just went through this. I healed my anxious attachment and then dealt with another anxious attachment style person… it’s now so obvious 🤦🏼♀️
Thanks for sharing your experience here! Valerie and I talked more about anxious attachment style in these videos: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/user/liveSmr_BATJ830?feature=share and ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html.
I learned so much hearing this and in only the first 12 minutes! Thank you! When you talked about intimacy and being neglected of that as a child...that really helped me understand myself but also someone else.
Do avoidant men cry in front of a woman? I have a man in my life who I suspect could be avoidant. But I’m not sure because he has cried in front of me several times. He’s very emotional during these times (I can literally see his wall come down temporarily) but other times he becomes very cold and distant. Maybe he’s a fearful avoidant? When we’ve gotten back together and I haven’t shown my feelings he’s always asking “are you ok?”, but once I reciprocate feelings he pulls away.
You two are awesome, love the analogies and encouragement. I'm in such a weird situation with my avoidant ex but feel like the advice from your videos is giving me more clarity. Thank you ❤
Hi Helena and Valerie! Just want to say what a great video!! The information Valerie shared is so helpful in understanding this personality type, please share more videos with this topic! Also I really loved the way Valerie explained it from an empathetic perspective instead of thinking avoidants are damaged goods (some may be but not all) and the tips are really helpful 👍🏼
I’m a man with an anxious attachment style, and my wife is has an avoidant attachment style, So important to remember that it can be just as hard for men.
I love your videos. I have found the most helpful thing for me to do is to look at things my wife does as symptoms of an avoidant attachment style. To think this way takes the personal nature out of the equation. Most of the time anyway. The same is true for me, i can look at some of the ways that i act as symptoms of my anxious attachment style. Doing this helps us to see the other person not as a bad person, but as someone who was hurt in some way in the pass. Knowledge is power. So thank you again for your videos. X
You’re welcome, I’m glad they’ve been helpful! Thanks for sharing your experience here, I know many people can relate. This video might also help if you haven’t seen it yet: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html
I went in an on and off relationship with one of those for 3 flippin years. It was horrible. This feeling of void, even when in the same room. Every time you get close to reach a level of intimacy they pull back. It's like repetitively trying to hug a hedgehog. Never again.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! 💜 These videos I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html and ruclips.net/user/liveSmr_BATJ830?feature=share.
Ok I now identified that he is a FA. Phew,,there is still hope. Thank you so much for this video. I have identified so many flags. Now I know how to deal with it. I'm also a single mom of a teenager boy, and I work very much and I just realized that I might be raising a FA😮😮😮😮. We do talk and have open conversations, I just don't know if it's the teenage hormones or he is becoming FA. PS: I am an anxious attachment style with very high codependency issues. I am working and learning everything with/from my therapist, but hearing you explaining it it makes sense. It's a trauma bond behavior from my previous narcissist partner.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! These videos I recorded with Valerie should also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
My audience here on RUclips is mostly women so the language we use often reflects that, but this could apply to both men and women. I recently recorded another episode with Valerie on a similar topic that also might be helpful - you can listen to it on Spotify here: open.spotify.com/episode/3F7R4b82PO8E24W9PGH33M?si=pW4cTHOjTzm3Y9xeCIp7uQ …or on Apple Podcasts here: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/master-your-magnetism-with-helena-hart/id1585522214?i=1000608014961
@@HelenaHartCoaching The info you guys give is easy to understand on an intellectual level but it´s a totally different story to have it interiorized into our way of living and it takes a lot of time and repetition as well, I think for many of us.
These videos I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
Helena I just got out of a relationship with an avoidant dismissive (with Asperger’s and BPD). It was the most soul crushing painful experience I’ve had. The first indicator I noticed was when he was Info dumping on me on our 2nd date. He also had micro expressions that showed how he really felt despite what he says. Are there any other signs to watch out for to avoid these men going forward? Thank you ❤ keep up the amazing work.
I’ll keep that in mind for future video topics, thanks for the suggestion! In the meantime, this one might be helpful in terms of some of the signs: ruclips.net/video/ZhA2AUF0NcE/видео.html
I’m probably anxious avoidant! Guys who are players, Narcissist or dismissive will get confused as on one hand I want their love n validation but I don’t actually chase or care if they go I just move on ! I’m emotionally closed also in hard to open express my feelings but still nurturing at the same time!
The avoidant would even get anxious if their partner did to them what they do to their partner. It’s so ridiculous. Even though the anxious has their own problems, at least they would be able admit they have a problem. I feel like the avoidant only sees it if someone very adept and loving would be able to explain it to them very carefully and not ruffle any feathers. It’s like you need to have specialized training before getting involved with an avoidant or you’re gonna get torn apart. They’re like wild animals except they don’t attack with claws they attack with callousness which is hard to even recognize 😣
I’ve dated an avoidant for 5 years. I have an anxious attachment style and I ended our relationship one year ago. We are slowly rekindling and he has expressed he is trying to make it work with me. I’m happy. We aren’t together just rebuilding but I need to heal my anxious attachment style. I’m in love with him and don’t want to screw it up with my insecurities. I want to be a secure woman. Any suggestions?
Yes, these videos should be helpful: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
You’re welcome! Here’s the latest podcast episode I recorded with Valerie on a similar topic if anyone would like to check it out - it’s available on Spotify here: open.spotify.com/episode/3F7R4b82PO8E24W9PGH33M?si=sd_V14zlTxanUnZ6sIO-VQ …and on Apple Podcasts here: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/master-your-magnetism-with-helena-hart/id1585522214?i=1000608014961
This is an extremely helpful video. I've noticed a lot of things happen in this video and really believe in this. Not only that but a lot of extra helpful info. Thank you!
As a gay man married to an intimacy anorexic Middle Eastern man with a Muslim upbringing who's not even fully 'out' to himself, I've been in conflict over all the many layers of trauma & our clashing attachment styles. This video discussion has been very helpful!
Absolutely brilliant video. I have learned so much. Just one question ... How does the avoidant typically react if the anxious personality type does the distancing?
This is so interesting. Are people stuck in the patterns? I enjoy connection, communication & intimacy very much. It is very important to me. However, when I go through tragedies, great loss or death, I tend to exhibit some avoidant characteristics. I consider it grieving but it gets personalized by the other person despite my attempts to communicate that I need time to process & grieve.
My wife is a avoidant detachment style and I’m an anxious detachment style. I have so much love to give and always push her away and then get hurt and reach out more closing her off completely. 13+ years of marriage with 2 kids and it’s still hard. Her childhood parent relationship caused hers and mine caused mine. I wish I could figure out how to make myself better to fix this and learning as much as I can watching and reading about the subject. I’m coming to grips with the idea I’ll never have the love returned in the way I desire for the rest of my life.
I’ve been working on my tan, diet, working out, dress, and trying to make myself better overall. Head over heels for her and the gut wrenching pain when she shuts down is so hard...
Thanks for sharing your experience here, sorry to hear you’re going through this right now. These videos I recorded with Valerie might be helpful for your situation: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
I’m just learning that I have the anxious attachment style and have met a man I’m very interested in who has an avoidant attachment style. This video explains SO much. No wonder I am so drawn to him. I’m thankful to know this attachment style is something I can heal in myself. Thank you!
You’re welcome! These videos should be really helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
Stop giving him your power. Inform him that you need direct, clear communication and behaviors that allow a feeling of connection. Be concrete: If you say you will call and you do not this is rude and ask him to read 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 together with you. Explain love is behavioral and attitudinal. If he feels controlled by studying 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 portion of the Bible then do not expect to be honored since he knows it all. Consider informing him that emotionally available men make poor husbands and break up with him. You need cooperation- not opposition. Go back to Mom. If he laughs or is scornful and has nothing to learn from the Good Book expect the opposite of the love chapter as it is called. If he has a hard time being willing to adapt and minimizes the love chapter of the Bible - move on. Inform him that love requires a willing heart.
You’re welcome! These videos I recorded with Valerie should also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
Apply for a FREE "Breakthrough To Lasting Love" personal coaching session with Valerie here: www.coachvaleriegreene.com/dap/a/?a=141&p=www.coachvaleriegreene.com/free-strategy-session
Please, could you include the links of the videos where Valerie talks about how to heal the anxious attachment?
Hi Stephany! The links to all the videos I’ve done with Valerie are in the description, and I’ll include that one here too: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html
Do you have a video on how to get an anxious back? Now that I understand what happened I feel more confident to work on myself but I'd love the chance to show him we can do it together. I have been in no contact for 2 months.
Ok now l realize maybe it will help
Thank you both so helpful
Remember though, relatively, the more anxious you are, the more avoidant they seem. I learned this the hard way over several years of dating avoidants. I changed my behavior, figured out how much attention did I really need and how much was just an insecure attachment style and I have found a (fairly)avoidant (but good communicator) that I can see myself being with forever, but it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't addressed my own behavior first.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! Yes, we talk more about that in these videos: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
How are things going? Any updates on the nature of your relationship with her?
YOG
Can you call my partner and share this epiphany with him? lol
@@aliciaaltair are you a dismissive avoidant?
YOG
@@Stevengomez-j6q yes, although I feel labels are limiting to the point of uselessness when it comes to understanding interpersonal relationships. No one fits neatly into a list of qualities designated as belonging to specific groups.
I've been married to my DA for 13+ (17 together) years and we have a special needs child together. We really understand each other very well (I tend to be fear avoidant) and respect each other. There are a lot of upsides and downsides but I think patience, modeling and loads of space has been key. I am learning to stop taking his deficits personally and working on myself. I can't change him (not my job) but I know being less reactive and emotionally explosive and instead more positive reinforcement has helped form safety. Don't be a doormat but don't be a raging beast either. I've been with a narcissist too and DA are NOT them. DA can change and if willing, do introspection to make lasting change. Narcissist DO NOT change and are disordered! I lean heavily into my feminine role and let him lead. I support him, encourage and give him opportunities to show up as my HERO.
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here! 💞
Me & my husband have been together for 7 years and for 6 of those years I’ve been living with his severe detachment behaviours. Two weeks ago he left me and he finally admitted that he can’t show me the love that I deserve. He says he loves me the same way he did when we first got together but in truth he doesn’t really know what love is. I’m a secure style and I’ve also felt smothered in the fact that he moved in with me and then avoided me so I couldn’t be me in my own home. Now he has left (we have kids) we have since talked through our issues and decided to start dating but to do it in a very relaxed manner. Not sure if it will work but this video has really helped me because all the others seem to be about only narcissistic personalities and I don’t believe he is narcissistic. This is showing exactly what I can do to help him help us both. Thanks 🙏🏻
You’re welcome Chantelle, I’m glad this was helpful for you! Thanks for sharing your experience here. 💜
Great discussion on this topic, insightful. I had already decided I cannot go on with my avoidant partner. This video helps me understand that Im clear about my decision. Its too painful of an existence and an empty life bc I always have to worry what is going to makes him uncomfortable, watching everything I say or being surprised by his constant mood changes as he creates distance. It resuled in me suppressing my own needs daily bc if you “ask him to do anything” he bristles and scoffs, then fights and blames to rationalize why he shouldnt do anything (they cannot be obligated to anybody for anything) , but they will do favors for strangers. Both the appearance of lack of regard for me to the others they help and the awful feeling that Im abandoned for just the basics that he will give to others, has made it a deal breaker. Not worth it. And to show vulnerability is to be punished by them, so if you want to live like a military soldier, knock yourself out. Im out just 1 week now. I feel sad but also relieved.
Add on/editing that life is messy and when two people are in a relationship and going though life, things happen and it creates pressure that is placed from the outside as well as the inside and it’s not like people have nothing better to do than just figure out how to make an avoidant comfortable in a relationship. They need to rise to the occasion sometimes and they are unable to do this unless the circumstances are just perfect so your life will be very difficult if you choose to be with an avoidant who has not done work on themselves or created insight to their own behaviors. Pining after the is classic. They can have them
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here, I know many women can relate. I’m glad this video give you clarity on making the right decision for yourself! 💜
Very well put. The military thing. Every basic emotional need is considered annoying. After chasing my avoidant partner for a year for actual commitment, he cheated on me. 2 months later he came back promising the world. I gave him a chance. 7 months later, he broke all his promises. The only thing that has changed, is that now he tolerates my presence all the time. Every attempt to discuss any emotional or more difficult topic is dismissed and I get an angry response and total rejection where I am left crying. It's time to leave...trying to find the courage.
Great explanation, sounds like too much going on inside the relationship and then in the outside of the relationship at the same time.
I can relate to this, if you show any vulnerability and I mean any, it will trigger the avoidant. That could mean you being sick, grieving a loss or you being tired. For me it was extremely hard to deal with while pregnant and freshly post partum, that seemed to have triggered him so much, I was absolutely in shock how bad he got with his attempts to pu(ni)sh? me away because I showed neediness. I hadn't even heard of attachment styles at that point so I had no idea what was happening. People should be warned that this might happen, it's not about not getting enough hugs or romantic words, it's about getting support when you can't survive without it and not having someone emotionally destroying you when you're at your most vulnerable.
I hope you're in a better place now in your life.
"Bread Crumbing" you....that's the exact term I've used: he likes to bread crumb his affection, dole it out in little portions and then act like you're just being being "a little hog" (the very words he used) when it comes to wanting daily hugs, hand holding, etc.
Yeah it's intermittent reinforcement - no one needs that. It's like we need to beg - sod that - I'll be no1's mother!
He is a manipulative little grub! Into abuse. No, thank you.
My girlfriend FA bread crumbs me with intermittent affection. We just got back from vacation, she refused to hold my hand. I’m about at the end of my rope with her.
Wow this was AMAZING soooo helpful thank you Valerie and Helena - I tend towards the anxious style and I can now see he is a classic avoidant - was getting so fatigued and confused about the cycle where we get really close everything is going great and then he becomes so critical of me pushing me away and being unkind so opposite to how he was just the day before ... now I am seeing the pattern and getting some amazing revelation on the whole thing! This is going to be so helpful as I was becoming so exasperated! and taking his distancing behaviors personally resulting in a lot of emotional pain
I'm glad this was helpful, Rachel!
This pattern is SOOOO common. The videos we made about anxious attachment and transforming conflict into intimacy will be helpful for this pattern too. The links are in the description.
Also... there isn't anything wrong with wanting closeness (anxious) i.e 'a need', it's just the avoidant makes it sounds like you're 'needy'
I have needs, I'm not needy. Im 36 and I've brought up 2 kids alone, great job, own house etc... but I'd like to be in a relationship now (following 1 year healing from a 6 year relationship with a narcissist)...
So I guess, I 'need' someone (including friends or otherwise) to show up for me? 🤷♀️ otherwise what's the point - right? I can't be intimate with someone but can't connect with ... it's weird
I've been on a date (x5 dates actually) with a - now what I understand to be avoidant style personality - and I can't do it. We have a great time together but then I hear nothing, he'll text but won't phone. I said I'm not a texter, can you call... but he refuses point blank to speak on the phone. It's very weird. He says he's stubborn. That's not stubborn, that's pig 🐷 headed 🤭
At the very least, I'm going thr right way in my healing journey. From Narcissistic 🔛avoidant 🔜secure ✅🥰
Thanks for the video. I'm off to watch your 'healing the anxious attachment style' video now - keep em coming
You’re welcome! Thanks for sharing your experience here, I know many women can relate. These videos should also be helpful going forward: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/x8yKaWNdq7g/видео.html.
I love this video can a man be secure but still be avoidant in the beginning of a relationship when you both are exclusive?
Any update?
this is amazing
Thank you, Abby! 🧡
An anxious cannot diagnose where in the spectrum an avoidant falls because their anxious behavior dictates that. So if an anxious has a 50% avoidant partner, they are 50% anxious.
I’m surprised with my upbringing I’m not the avoidant. I’m listening to this because I realized my last connection is an avoidant style 🥺and I think I ruined it with my anxious. Which I’m working on. And even though I feel helpless and it’s over maybe I can be proactive for future connection 🥹
Thanks for sharing your experience here! These videos might also be helpful for anyone who can relate: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/user/liveSmr_BATJ830?feature=share.
It's very draining to have to tip-toe around them and the childhood wounds that they choose to not deal with in adult life. I am learning that more and more. At some point, you really have to ask yourself if it's all worth it...
If someone isn’t dealing with their childhood wounds, that would definitely be draining after awhile.
True!
Extremely draining. When he makes you invisible because he does not, can not hear or discuss any 'Life" events. As women, we internalize everything and then try and 'fix' the situation. Dealing with an avoidant personality type can be DETRIMENTAL to one's mental health. Never been kissed, no hugs, no holding hands, etc. You should not have to LET GO OF WHAT YOU NEED to thrive in order to sustain a relationship.
But if the answer is yes, you would want to learn to love them and support them.. I think modelling secure attachment for your partner consistently can actually heal insecure attachment style.
@@tondraprice1498 agreed.
This snowflake society is gearing people to enable bad behaviour. We ALL have to take responsibility for our healing. I'm going through this right now. Got the full on love bombing to get me sucked in and feelings have happened. Now he's basically ignoring me and playing the victim card. So if you're not ready don't engage in dating. 🤷🏼♀️ Don't get someone's hopes up then jump to the next person. It reeks of Narcissistic patterns rather than attachment style. But the info in this interview is interesting.
What happened to meeting someone who's your equal so you can move forward and grow together?
The hardest thing with an avoidant that I've found is when something really bad or life changing happens and you really need your partner to support you but he gets visibly annoyed and throws a fit instead. This can actually lead to potentially dangerous situations and definitely a lot of resentment.
Yes, thanks for sharing your experience and insights here. 💜
Being in a relationship with those types of people is like a whole job
Lol AMEN!!💯💯💯💯💯
It is. But for me is a challenge
Yes
@@romanyfirst95 yes because we felt like this in childhood. A challenge to get what we need sometimes
This is what parents breed out into the world by the millions when they all have the collective idea, "hey quit cryin, you're not suppose to cry, if you want hugs and kisses all the time, you're not getting it bc I'm not that kind of parent". They ignore them a LOT, always on their phones and not paying attention to them. They develop a coping mechanism to make them feel better. And that's to shut off bc you'll just get burned and that hurts. Cold, ignoring parents make these by the millions on a daily basis. Even more so since social media and posting about politics came about..
1. First take care of your own needs and step into his shoes to understand him, see how your behavior triggers him
2. Speak to him in a soft tone - not overly emotional. Acknowledge his needs in a lighthearted, loving way
3. Be very clear and direct - inspire him to meet your needs instead of telling him what to do
4. Once he feels the emotional safety and sees that his need is important to you, inspire him to meet your need. Modelling: teach him empathy by empathizing him first.
Last but not least, acceptance is key.
Thanks for sharing your takeaways here, Ava! 💕
Well said !!! 👏
Waaaayyyy to much work. Its like being a mom and trying to teach a 6 year old how to be a friend. 3 years before I researched amd found the actual problem. Avoidants need to do work before they try relationships or it just ends up being a very one sided relationship with a lot of lonley moments. The reward, in my opinions just is t worth it. You will carve yourself out trying to make them comfortable.
Yeah. Oi, mate! See those eggshells? Now get the F walk on it. What could possibly go wrong...
@@firefeethok_tui2355 Ur exactly right. Too much to deal. Let them be by their lonely selves & masturbate every day. Lol
My boyfriend (avoidant) and I were in this horrible cycle. I listened to this (and your other videos with Valerie) over and over again and tried to talk to him. Guess what, he finally opened up! Thank you so so much ❤
You're welcome, I'm so happy to hear that! Thanks for sharing your experience here.
Wowwwww congratulations!!!
Scary part is they will open up but fall
Back into the trap (comfort zone) again.
hope all is well. can we get an update aspire?
Update?
I've been in a relationship with a man for many years, and he had an avoidend attachment style. I have a combination of secure and anxious attachment style. I got burned out in the relationship. He couldn't work with me. I can't be with someone who can’t show emotions and giving me touch. I left him and I glad I did, because I'm not here on earth to serve or heal or be someone else's mom, because she couldn't show him love the right way.
💯
That you for this healthy reminder
I can relate 100%! Been there at least once. In it again. I'm so done.
This! We've got 3 kids and another on the way. I can't emotionally support 2 preteens, cope with their mood swings, comfort an infant and teach him to walk and be pregnant and exhausted, while figuring out his issues and make sure his needs are met. His needs have been met first for years with no reciprocation. I'm worthy of attention and love. I'm worthy of being pursued. I'm worthy of more than half hearted effort or no effort.
@@kendraackerman3077
Ugh that's awful.
I'm an anxious attachment style with an avoidant attachment style partner. Every day l feel like breaking up with him. But somehow when l decide to break up, l can't seem to walk away. Is it just me..l seem to attract this type. Sometimes, think l'm done with relationships.
Hi Betty, thanks for sharing your experience here, I know many women can relate. This video should be really helpful if you haven't seen it yet: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html
I think you’re suffering from codependency, and savior complex. You’re not putting your own needs first, you’re putting his needs and have happiness before yours. It’s essentially self abandonment
Look what I did: establish a time period for myself ( depending on how long you've been with him...it can be 2 months or a year). During that time, I harmoniously expressed my needs and wants. I wrote in my journal and rated every date (level of his e pressing love, eroticism, connection etc- you know what matters to you). Then I drew the line and decided it was just not good enough and said good bye to him. I spent way too much time in sollitude in this "relationship". Life is short. Let's live and love!
Believe its many women like u. These men can smell the good in us. They win our love and than do whatever they want moving forward
Same path as you right now. Love these responses
So glad you did an attachment style video Helena!! There’s so much good guidance here!
Thanks Mat!!
Thanks, Matt. I feel honored to be acknowledged by a fellow expert
I tried to be understanding and accommodating for one year, they push you over and over again to the point that you finally become so upset that simply and absolutely can't take it anymore. I just don't think anyone can possibly put up with this BS of avoidant attachment in their partner or Narcissistic traits. A relationship without intimacy doesn't exist.
Yea i think they have to work for them self. If they do, it's great!! But if it's not, just walk away!!
Well amen 🙏 to that!
AMEN!‼️💯Well Said, girl!👏🏼
A relationship without intimacy doesn't exist. BULLSEYE.
@@akuasalaam490 Uh oh.
I love my avoidant partner after two years he’s still learning to open up to me talking about his traumas n I appreciate it ❤
Thanks for sharing your experience here! 💞
Any updates and how you made it work?
By setting boundaries & trust is huge for them also, communicating your needs without sounding needy, & space is prob the biggest thing . They will offer hints when they needing space , you learn your partners ques .
Sounds like the avoidant... NEEDS to be single
Absolutely
The onus is on other people to recognize that.
😂🤣
Or get in a relationship with an avoidant and become anxious.
Helena, how do these avoidant-type men respond the the feminine energy techniques that you & Adrienne discuss? I've been watching both of your videos but I haven't run across any (yet) that discusses this type of man & this type of relationship dynamic. If he feels that no one really has needs, then that sounds like he would not naturally feel compelled to try to fulfill the desires of his woman or at least not on a consistent basis.
It seems to me as long as you can respect his need for space and alone time he will eventually seek to maintain your connection by seeking to meet your needs, which are probably best expressed as preferences, nes pas?
He won't - he doesn't hear 👂 you. Basically I wanna be with you, stay away from me unless I want you to do something for me. A pick you up, put you down when it suits him Dynamic? 🤷♀️
This video has been so healing! There are two potential men in my life right now. They both exhibit avoidant traits and don't reach out as often as I would like in a partner, so I'm not sure if I have a future with either of them. But this is secondary, because this video has made it clear that I AM still controlled by my anxious attachment and still have work to do on myself. I absolutely have difficulty self-soothing and go into crisis mode when someone takes a day or two to respond to me. I keep it to myself and don't blow up at them, which is progress for me, but it has absolutely diminished my inner light and made me too sad and stressed out to enjoy my life in other ways. I've neglected my family and friends because I was so sad! I'm going to check out that book and this woman's RUclips channel because her words are music to my ears! Thank you 🙏
You’re welcome Ashley, I’m so glad this was healing and eye-opening for you! ❤️
@@HelenaHartCoaching thanks! Always a fan of your videos and energy! 😊
You don't have to change a thing about yourself, and you will still find people who are equally as excited to hear from you, and are mature enough to express it. I understand this video is for people who want to make it work with a dismissive avoidant. But again I ask myself... at what cost? At what point are you wearing yourself down and pretending to be someone you're not in hopes to "make it work"? I'm appreciative for videos like these because they help me not take others needs too personally. But it still begs the question- is it really worth it? Maybe that other person is meant to stay with someone equally as unaffectionate. Let those types find each other and have sexless marriages. I don't see them trying to change. Why should I?
@@mint_soup9743 Amen!
I've neglected my family and friends because I was so sad! felt that
This is hands down the best and most comprehensive video I've seen on this topic, thank you for sharing!
You’re welcome, I’m glad it was helpful! 💝
This interview has helped me so much. I have been learning about this dynamic, have hurt in my relationship for so many years, and realize the part I have played in our difficulties. Thank you so much for giving me some renewed hope and strategies for healthier interacting.
You're welcome Linda, I'm so glad this was helpful!
Let's be clear this applies both men and woman. I am currently dating a female with an avoidance attachment style, very challenging at times. Thanks for the information this helps me understand her needs more.
You’re welcome! Yes, this can apply to both men and women.
This was such a helpful interview! My boyfriend is avoidant and I have known that from the beginning but never knew how to relate to him (I'm anxious but have been working through my things in therapy). I had the best talk with him yesterday after listening to the advice from Valerie, thank you so much! He's a good man, just a little damaged and I didnt want to toss him aside due to our poor communication/misunderstandings. Now that I know how to approach him and have effective communication, it was so much easier!
Thanks so much for sharing your experience here, Annemarie! 💗 These videos I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
How is it going so far?
This gives me hope
My boyfriend was like this and nothing worked until I changed myself! Connecting with myself (not avoiding myself or my own needs and put them first) settimg boundaries and using properly my femm energy. Then the shift is happened!!!🙏 if you have an anxious attachment first you need to work on your own beliefs and fears/traumas so you can stop your pattern of your wounded inner child. When you change and stop demanding and you find your strenght in your femmenine energy then he is not feeling pushed anymore so he can tune into his masculine and this inspires him. The environment becomes safe and intimacy is freedom and respect. You stop doing demands and more requests (no output expected) then he starts also to change...and of he is not you have the freedom to leave! Change yourself first to see the change in the world and become the person you would like to attract👏👏❤
I love what you said here Ana, thanks for sharing your insights!
@@HelenaHartCoaching years to achieve that but I really believe we all can do it❤
Yes, absolutely! Your story is very inspiring! 💗
@@HelenaHartCoaching ❤💛
What did you do to work on yourself? I need to do this for myself. X
This was an amazing video! I have gained so much already in just the first 10 minutes. Like it’s hitting me so deep to my core! I’m currently separated from my husband and this, is writing my life on wall. I still love my husband so much. I thought that we just weren’t a good match. But I’m learning... so much healing is needed.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Amber!
I wonder how an avoidant partner actually gets to the point of wanting to propose to someone
@@SK-no2pp now that would be interesting!
@@SK-no2pp very easily. Like a regular dude. Then after the wedding day the cracks slowly appear. You can feel alone and unloved as time goes on but you may stay because of other reasons. I focused on my kids, job and friends .
I feel like I used to be the avoidant type, then they were the anxious type and then I became the anxious type while they became the avoidant type.
Sounds like me, us! So complex. I think we both have this combination of things- avoidant, anxious, dismissive. And if more than one person has any of these as well...chaos! I recognize so many of these behaviours from my other and me.
This so explains him 💕
He is avoidant. This really helped me understand lots of things. Very interesting, thanks so much!
You’re welcome, I’m glad this was helpful! 💜
i know very very neat to have it so told how we are affected by childhood and how we can fix ourselves and help our partner with what they need or dont need, bravo!
The person I've been with for almost 7 years clearly has avoidant attachment. I have been very patient. He flirts with women he knows online. Makes me feel inadequate. He opens up and seems to share fully with friends and people he's not intimate with, while never considering me. I love him and believe strongly that he loves me. But I feel this relationship has been mostly about him, rarely about me.
thanks, this explains why he is the way he is, too much hard work for me, can't be bothered. I'm the anxious attachment, he won't and refuses to work with me like you suggest. I need someone who is more into making me safe and secure. Wayyyy too much hard work and a headache for me. Thankyou so much
You’re welcome, Riss Lee!
Hi hun welcome Egypt Luxor city am tour guide i hope visit me one day am single and looking for honest love 00201003691748 whatsapp
Yes, Riss. It's up to every individual to decide whether the work is worth it or not. There are plenty of guys with a secure attachment style out there; if you do the work of evolving your own patterns, then you're more likely to meet one
I'm with you on that one. X
I feel.you Riss
I just got out of a situation like this!! 😥
I wish I had seen this before. It's hard to deal with these men and I tried using alot of Adrienne's feeling statements and they weren't working. Instead of persons suggesting this to me, ppl kept telling me that he didn't want me or wasn't into me when in reality this was his issue. I'm realising that all men I attract are like this! I also have an anxious attachment😞
It's alot of work dealing with these men.
This video might be helpful for you if you haven't seen it yet: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html
How are you doing now??? Sending love!!
Im healing some childhood trauma and learning a lot about my childhood wounds. Dating advice that has told me if “he doesnt respond to texts within a day or if he cant find 4 seconds to respond to your text or forgets to answer because hes busy at work - it means hes losing interest” that stuff really made it hard for me to stay calm and believe my avoidant partner was just busy. I was convinced he was losing interest because he wasnt pursuing. I ended the relationship and am now learning to nourish and give myself what i need more and also learning that it doesnt always mean they arent interested. They just might have a different attachment style and i may need to ask for what i need and not lean back, if that makes sense.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Linda! I know many women can relate. These videos might also be helpful in terms of healing your own wounds and patterns: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
Thank you both for this. 🙏🏻💕
I took 3 pages of notes!!
A gal/guy isn’t necessarily a bad person it’s just that they are bad daters if they haven’t done this type of work on themselves.
You’re welcome Zari, I’m so glad this was helpful! 💙
But is the avoidance ever capable of loving someone? Is it worth the work?
Hi Reigning Angel Co. :) Yes, I've helped many couples where one has an avoidant attachments style to be able to let love and intimacy in and develop a secure attachment. It does take work and patience so you need to decide for yourself if it's worth it for you.
@@valeriegreene have you done any videos on how to get one back after they break up? I only learned after our breakup what his attachment style was. I was patient for 3 years building a friendship that turned into a romantic relationship only to get dumped because I had needs.
@@kristinaldridge1712 I did do a webinar about how to get your ex back. You can watch the replay. I'm no longer running the mentioned promotion but you can reach out to me via the links that Helena provided in her description above. This is the replay for that webinar: ruclips.net/video/eTXacPhn_Nw/видео.html
Reigning Angel Co. personally I dont think so. Avoidants should date other avoidants
I think they do love you just don’t know how to express it or that your needs and his, both coming from a place of love, are diametrically opposed. I say this as someone in one of these relationships
Hi Helena, I love this video! After watching this video, I am certain the man I've been dating for a month has avoidant attachment. Oh my gosh, it all makes sense now. I have anxious attachment, can you do more videos like this, please.. Thank you so much! 💜💞💜💞💜💞
I'm so glad this gave you some clarity, Melissa! Yes, I can definitely do some more videos on this topic. In the meantime, be sure to check the description to see all of the other videos I've recorded with Valerie, they should be really helpful for you.
My dismissive husband of 40 years is a classic one. I only recently found out what was wrong all these years. We hardly ever had sex and right now it has been 5 years. This the number one thing that makes me so mad . So I am pretty much just a bitch . No touching .No kissing . nothing . I am sorry I wasted my life with him. I cannot imagine what could have happened with his mother . His siblings seem normal. Unless him being the 3rd born she was just overwhelmed.
Why would you stay with him for 40 years, and waste your own life by not having any kind of intimacy in love. There must be a part of you that felt like it doesn’t deserve better
Good god 😪
The MAIN issue I have found when in a relationship with a DA is that it is quite exhausting! Not that it isn't worth it, but you do need to be ready to put out a lot of effort!
Thanks for sharing your experience here! 💞
Thank you for saying that it is both men and women. Normally this avoidant is assumed to be men. In my relationship she is the avoidant
Yes, this could definitely apply to both men and women.
Excellent and helpful video!! Please continue the conversation on this topic. I’m currently trying to love my dismissive avoidant guy through this and I sometimes want to move on and leave but I love him and there are so many wonderful things about him - his integrity, loyalty etc that I would love for us to work out and inspire more of a secure attachment in him. Thank you both ladies 💜💐
You’re welcome, Summer! 💜
As an avoidant, I was not even the one who sought out the relationship. The one who sought it out does not give space, but attempts to extract everything I have before I even have it to give. (She does the same with her family and friends.) so for those of you struggling with avoidants, I’ll ask this: have you had a string of such relationships? And are you looking to extract love, rather than creating the space for it to grow? Just a few things to ponder before blaming all the issues in your relationship on your avoidant partner. Remember, a relationship is not 50-50. It’s 100-100.
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here!
Not looking to "extract" anything but I'm not wasting a single minute on people who won't give it, either. DAs can spend their entire lives alone for all I care. I deserve better than being dismissed and disregarded and I shouldn't have to beg.
Well said!
I definitely needed to see this. Thank you
Avoidants never accept the space to grow.. they're afraid of exactly THAT.
It sometimes seems like trying to appease an avoidant person is more trouble than it’s worth. Kinda feels like you have to go above and beyond to get them to be attentive.
Funny :D
Vanessa Cortes yes it’s so draining
If they need a lot of space & don't care about our needs & afraid of intimacy then how are they going to have a true love & meaningful relationship in their life.? I had one who recently ghosted me. He was afraid of getting hurt again from past traumatic marriages but seemed like he still wanted the closeness of being with a partner & found him looking for love/ friendship on 2 dating websites where I met him on the one last year.
They are emotionally unavailable
Yes, i am so exhausted at this point.
Could it be that a man could become avoidant or fearful avoidant because of a failed marriage or long term relationship and hurt caused by that?
Is this true for a separated man, a man getting a divorce or divorced man? Does he have this style because he's afarid of being hurt and isolates his feelings or departmentalizes is feelings? Seems like he can't handle intimacy and building relationships for fear of being hurt.
Also deep loss...death of a best friend and an unexpected end of a parent's life (mother) and pet losses. It sounds like an avoidant attachment, right? I can understand what Valerie is saying about a tiger. He feels crowded, afarid. Also, the parents teaching independence from childhood.
Valerie, you're incredible!
I love this guy. I will keep being a friend for his heart. I will not give up. A relationship beyond best friend is meant to be. I'm patient.
Thank you so much.
I think for him: (avoidant attachment)
Neglect, forced independence, losses and an abusive marriage (domestic violence), he feels his needs don't matter.
Myself: (anxious attachment)
Losses, fear of abandonment, a domestic violence marriage, insecurities and a teenage rape.
I love your techniques. I will be watching this often to learn how to model a secure attachment style.
You know what he says often.."I don't need hugs". Everyone needs a hug. I like the 30 second hug.
Thank you so much, dear teachers💜💜 Helena and Valerie, dear friends
Thanks so much, Deanna
I probably wouldn't hang on to a possibly hopeless situation with this guy. You're not his caretaker. Time to move on to a healthy relationship instead of trying to fix this one.
So I myself am Fearful Avoidant, and this video felt like a very much needed hug. I resonated with most things that were talked about, and it also hurt to realize where a lot of my behavioral patterns come from. I thought about the times I chose flight after being overwhelmed by emotions and it gave me so much compassion not just for the other person but also for myself. Wow. I am so grateful for every single one of my ex boyfriends. They loved me for who I was even though I was so emotionally un-evolved at the time. Hurt people hurt people, and we all go around projecting onto others until we become aware about our unconscious thoughts and feelings. Healing this requires a whole new level of love for others and myself, especially thinking about my parents. But it has to get done.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and insights here, I know many people can relate. This video I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html
I have to say that I feel a deep resentment towards fearful avoidants. I have been with many and I find that my life has been irreprably damaged by them. Im glad you feel like you made some progress, however I wonder if those ex's know and how they would feel to hear you say that they 'helped' you. I bet that it doesnt make them feel any better about the hurt they felt.
My mother was full time house wife but TOTALLY avoidant, my father even more avoidant and also from military force. It was like being raise up by robots. They-re not bad people. But it was painful to the point I wish to die many times. NOW I understand them. And guess what, I love my avoidant partner, who is humiliated by his mother for being like that, and no woman stick with him cause they don't SEE him for what he is! A high moral, honest, worker, generous guy! His rare demonstrations of affection are totally precious , sincere and powerful. I feel like he's the one that understand my avoidance to.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience here! 💞
If your partner is avoidant, avoid them back
😂
lol have you tried this? what happened?
@@LemonLimes99 good things happened
@@LemonLimes99 met a great guy after the avoiding guy
I find that one of the most important hurdles to overcome in building a genuinely nurturing, safe, and loving relationship is being willing to recognize that 50 percent of the people that are available for a relationship are not at fault for having very conflicted emotions surrounding the topics of relationships, intimacy, and communications so there are bound to be any number of emotional storms that partners will have to weather before you can be confident that you have created a safe harbor for yourself with a partner capable of trust and accountability.
Thanks for sharing your insights here!
Beautifully written
Pretty sure I'm some kind of avoident attachment/fearful attachment. And one of my partners definitely seems avoident attachment. He is sweet, and interesting, and engaging but I can tell when he needs to pull away. He starts to go quiet or seems to get grouchy. It helps that I can recognize it.
Recently I'm going through a really hard time and deep down I really crave his presence, because being around him makes me feel really safe. However, I understand that his security depends on his time and independence, so I try not to push him. Usually I'll just send him funny memes, or wait for him to greet me, or don't pressure him to respond to the 'I love you's' I usually throw at him. Lol some days I won't hear too much from him but then there are days where he asks to spend time with me, and comforts me the best way he knows how. It's really nice. 💖 Things that help if I am hurting, and I need his presence, sometimes I'll say "I respect your space so I am understanding if you aren't in the space too, but if you are, could I just sit in a call with you for a bit?" Usually it works pretty well.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Ashley! This video might be helpful for your situation: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html
So insightful! My partner can be avoidant, especially when we are having a disagreement or argument. I dont think his parents were neglectful but I do think his culture plays a part. I'd be interested to see a video about communicating with a partner with culture differences. My partner is Indian and indian men can be quite cold at times because of their culture/upbringing I feel. Can you do a video touching on this?
Thanks for the suggestion, Crystal! 💕
I mentioned this in a thread on another channel and got slammed for it. You are CORRECT sometimes culture does play a role. It amazes me how some persons refuse to be culturally aware.
Indian men are raised by parents who are authority figures… it’s hard to get close to them… because the parents are always so harsh… and demanding in their parenting approach.. it’s so not you but it’s him. I would let him know what you need and then leave him alone.. and see how he responds
I’m married to an avoidant who doesn’t want to work on anything. Refuses counseling, I’ve tried sending some videos, I have found workbooks... he doesn’t want to do any of it. Any advise beyond modeling?
Those red flags are spot on! Hindsight after 3 decades of being avoided. It’s a challenge that made me grow and I’m grateful! But had I known then, I might have chosen an easier way
Thanks for sharing your experience here, I know SO many people can relate!
This was really go9d as I have met someone advoidant and we have very intimate conversations so this has been huge. Im anxious attachment and new to dating
Conversations have been he wants to get so help so it doesnt get in the way. I will honor and respect that. Thank you to you both😊
You’re welcome, Victoria! These videos should also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
Why do these people bother getting married if they are hurt and need to work on themselves? The spouse is left alone, to fend for themselves in the cold. What's the point? How destructive and selfish to get married and to have children under these conditions. I feel trapped and deceived...stuck in a lonely and cold relationship. I can't divorce because he isn't abusive and my children need a stable home...but staying is killing me slowly.
If they want freedom then why involve others in this cold hearted mind game?
As I became secure, I enjoy the time with him or enjoy my time without him. Learning to self entertain is so freeing!!
I needed this so much, i know now for sure my boyfriend has an avoidant attachment style and i think i have an anxious attachment style.
How do you tell them that they need to recognize that he needs comfort when he is avoidant?
Great question my situation too
So someone tell me what is the best way to deal with this kind of man who's mother neglected him as a childhood. Don't require intimacy & give him a lot of space? Then he should stay by himself & play with himself every day, right..
Great video! Love the guest she is so knowledgeable well spoken, and might I add she is very reminiscent of Mira Sorvino
I’m glad you enjoyed it! These videos I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html and ruclips.net/user/liveSmr_BATJ830?feature=share.
Thank you for validating those who stay with avoidant attachment style partners. I am anxious attachment and it feels like my inner child found another wounded kid on the playground and so we have been wounded in different ways, and sometimes we put up with some sh*t with each other, and other times we heal each other in such a beautiful way. Him needing space feels like my world is crashing down, but as I’ve healed more I’m finding I have more strength to allow his needs now without taking it as ‘neglect’. This word is thrown around far too much, along with ‘toxic’. For those with anxiety it’s often very difficult to tell the difference between a trigger/emotional flash back etc… and a ‘gut feeling’. I’ve had a ‘gut feeling’ before that someone was standing behind my curtains in the house, when I was in a particularly bad emotional flashback of being alone in a house as a child. I don’t feel weak to support another in need, I feel thankful I have come as far as I have and I’m reaching out my hand to another to help him too.
You’re welcome, Alexandra! These videos I recorded with Valerie should also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
WOW. This video is nearly 3 years old and im sitting here right now praising lord jesus almighty for you! This just opened a closed blind for me, i was so upset because i didnt know how to really deal with my sometimes very avoidant man. Thank you!
You’re welcome! I’m glad it helped. 💗
This video was exactly what i needed. I will focus on me and focus on him without overwhelming him with my personal emotions
I’m glad this was helpful! We’d love to hear how this goes for you. 💕
@@HelenaHartCoaching most definitely! I hope it works out well
I'm willing to work on my behavior if that shifts his behavior. How do we work on this together to save our marriage? My husband is avoidant to a T and yes I see his trauma and what his mom put him through :(
"Patience" is a MASSIVE understatement, when it comes to some people, lol.
Thanks for sharing, Haley Elizabeth! 💙
Wow Valerie & Helena, just listened to the 'tips- you have highlighted profound & much needed pathways of awareness & healing, that many have not been aware of until you shared them now. This is now accessable to humanity. Life & the world can transform positively. Awesome work, thank you!!
You’re very welcome!
Yes, our pleasure :)
For years I've been vexed about my husband's dissmissive-avoidant attitude, which made ZERO sense to me. You've shined a light on the whole situation. I am more understanding now. We are creating more deep moments of love & connection. ❤
P. Rabbitt - I’m so happy to hear that!
29 years with an avoidant. I’ve opened my eyes to my part in being codependent and catering to his every need while rarely ever getting my needs met. I’d walk away if I had known about attachment styles. A securely attached person wouldn’t have put up with the constant anger and moodiness and selfishness.
Thanks for sharing your experience here. ❤️
So resonates! I could NOT get my head around my person who u know loves me - that can be SO sexually intimate, close and frankly, amazing. Yet, then opposite and ICE cold. I will then react with my own attachment (abandonment) style and it's very difficult. Listening to this really helps. I was worried that he might be a narcissist but it just didn't make sense. I know he isn't a player and he's 'a good person' who has been traumatized. Not only that he also is suffering from PTSD (escaped from war and lost his family) just to add to the complexity. He doesn't understand why he acts and reacts certain ways so I really need to understand. 😬🥴💔
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Beth! These videos might also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/b7esH5LrKZA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
My fiance is he same kind of man. It is really challenging when I feel like my needs are being met at times and it is amazing and then at times, it's just cold.
I need more from Valerie. I broke up with my DA due to being overwhelmed with his deflecting and defenses. I do want to save our relationship. I completely believe I am securely attached and 4 yrs of not understanding him.
Hi Dawn, I’d recommend applying for a free Breakthrough Session with Valerie as I know she could really help you with this. The link to apply is in the description of this video. 💜
I’m an anxious attachment style but I wouldn’t be willing to do all this work unless my partner would be willing to try. I was dating a fearful avoidant and he only wanted to meet up once a week and that would never work long term for me. I constantly felt unheard and it felt like it was 1 sided. And, I had to tip toe around what I said constantly, just so I didn’t trigger him.
Thanks for sharing your experience and insights here! These videos might be helpful for you going forward: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
This is really great and real . I just went through this. I healed my anxious attachment and then dealt with another anxious attachment style person… it’s now so obvious 🤦🏼♀️
Thanks for sharing your experience here! Valerie and I talked more about anxious attachment style in these videos: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/user/liveSmr_BATJ830?feature=share and ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html.
I learned so much hearing this and in only the first 12 minutes! Thank you! When you talked about intimacy and being neglected of that as a child...that really helped me understand myself but also someone else.
You’re welcome, I’m so glad this was helpful! 💕
Do avoidant men cry in front of a woman?
I have a man in my life who I suspect could be avoidant. But I’m not sure because he has cried in front of me several times. He’s very emotional during these times (I can literally see his wall come down temporarily) but other times he becomes very cold and distant. Maybe he’s a fearful avoidant?
When we’ve gotten back together and I haven’t shown my feelings he’s always asking “are you ok?”, but once I reciprocate feelings he pulls away.
You two are awesome, love the analogies and encouragement. I'm in such a weird situation with my avoidant ex but feel like the advice from your videos is giving me more clarity. Thank you ❤
You’re welcome, I’m glad this was helpful! 💕
This video was exactly what I needed to hear. . A miracle actually, timing wise! Much love ❤️!
I’m grateful for you both! THANK U
You're welcome Maggie, I'm glad this came at the right time for you!
Hi Helena and Valerie! Just want to say what a great video!! The information Valerie shared is so helpful in understanding this personality type, please share more videos with this topic! Also I really loved the way Valerie explained it from an empathetic perspective instead of thinking avoidants are damaged goods (some may be but not all) and the tips are really helpful 👍🏼
Thank you Rousette, I’m so glad this was helpful! 💜
Timestamps please??
I’m a man with an anxious attachment style, and my wife is has an avoidant attachment style, So important to remember that it can be just as hard for men.
Yes, absolutely - this can go both ways.
I love your videos. I have found the most helpful thing for me to do is to look at things my wife does as symptoms of an avoidant attachment style. To think this way takes the personal nature out of the equation. Most of the time anyway. The same is true for me, i can look at some of the ways that i act as symptoms of my anxious attachment style. Doing this helps us to see the other person not as a bad person, but as someone who was hurt in some way in the pass. Knowledge is power. So thank you again for your videos. X
You’re welcome, I’m glad they’ve been helpful! Thanks for sharing your experience here, I know many people can relate. This video might also help if you haven’t seen it yet: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html
Absolutely fascinating and genius. Thank you both so much. 😊😍
You’re welcome, Cee Cee! 💕
I went in an on and off relationship with one of those for 3 flippin years. It was horrible. This feeling of void, even when in the same room. Every time you get close to reach a level of intimacy they pull back. It's like repetitively trying to hug a hedgehog. Never again.
So many details in this discussion make it clear I’m in a relationship with an avoidant man…I’m SO grateful for this channel! 😊
Thanks for sharing your experience here! 💜 These videos I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html and ruclips.net/user/liveSmr_BATJ830?feature=share.
More on this topic, ladies!
Thank you🌹
You're welcome, Deana!
Hi Deana :) What aspects of this topic do you most want support with?
Ok I now identified that he is a FA. Phew,,there is still hope. Thank you so much for this video. I have identified so many flags. Now I know how to deal with it. I'm also a single mom of a teenager boy, and I work very much and I just realized that I might be raising a FA😮😮😮😮. We do talk and have open conversations, I just don't know if it's the teenage hormones or he is becoming FA. PS: I am an anxious attachment style with very high codependency issues. I am working and learning everything with/from my therapist, but hearing you explaining it it makes sense. It's a trauma bond behavior from my previous narcissist partner.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! These videos I recorded with Valerie should also be helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
The tips you are giving are only applies to avoidant men or this tips also applys to avoidant woman?? Coz. My girlfriend is avoidant and I am anxious
My audience here on RUclips is mostly women so the language we use often reflects that, but this could apply to both men and women. I recently recorded another episode with Valerie on a similar topic that also might be helpful - you can listen to it on Spotify here: open.spotify.com/episode/3F7R4b82PO8E24W9PGH33M?si=pW4cTHOjTzm3Y9xeCIp7uQ
…or on Apple Podcasts here: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/master-your-magnetism-with-helena-hart/id1585522214?i=1000608014961
Beautiful video ladies! I especially liked when you give positive phrases to say in order to connect.
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it! 💕
@@HelenaHartCoaching The info you guys give is easy to understand on an intellectual level but it´s a totally different story to have it interiorized into our way of living and it takes a lot of time and repetition as well, I think for many of us.
Valerie is the bomb.
These videos I recorded with Valerie might also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/LqF0Qz_nTSU/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
Helena I just got out of a relationship with an avoidant dismissive (with Asperger’s and BPD). It was the most soul crushing painful experience I’ve had. The first indicator I noticed was when he was Info dumping on me on our 2nd date. He also had micro expressions that showed how he really felt despite what he says. Are there any other signs to watch out for to avoid these men going forward? Thank you ❤ keep up the amazing work.
I’ll keep that in mind for future video topics, thanks for the suggestion! In the meantime, this one might be helpful in terms of some of the signs: ruclips.net/video/ZhA2AUF0NcE/видео.html
I’m probably anxious avoidant! Guys who are players, Narcissist or dismissive will get confused as on one hand I want their love n validation but I don’t actually chase or care if they go I just move on ! I’m emotionally closed also in hard to open express my feelings but still nurturing at the same time!
Thanks for sharing your experience here! I know many people can relate. 💜
I think if i was born back in the day when someone said to just leave my baby to cry I would still have felt this in my heart and not done so.
Thanks for sharing, Jacquelynn! 💞
The avoidant would even get anxious if their partner did to them what they do to their partner. It’s so ridiculous. Even though the anxious has their own problems, at least they would be able admit they have a problem. I feel like the avoidant only sees it if someone very adept and loving would be able to explain it to them very carefully and not ruffle any feathers. It’s like you need to have specialized training before getting involved with an avoidant or you’re gonna get torn apart. They’re like wild animals except they don’t attack with claws they attack with callousness which is hard to even recognize 😣
I’ve dated an avoidant for 5 years. I have an anxious attachment style and I ended our relationship one year ago. We are slowly rekindling and he has expressed he is trying to make it work with me. I’m happy. We aren’t together just rebuilding but I need to heal my anxious attachment style. I’m in love with him and don’t want to screw it up with my insecurities. I want to be a secure woman. Any suggestions?
Yes, these videos should be helpful: ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
Brilliant, informative and insightful video. Thank you. 🌸
You’re welcome! Here’s the latest podcast episode I recorded with Valerie on a similar topic if anyone would like to check it out - it’s available on Spotify here: open.spotify.com/episode/3F7R4b82PO8E24W9PGH33M?si=sd_V14zlTxanUnZ6sIO-VQ
…and on Apple Podcasts here: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/master-your-magnetism-with-helena-hart/id1585522214?i=1000608014961
This is an extremely helpful video. I've noticed a lot of things happen in this video and really believe in this. Not only that but a lot of extra helpful info. Thank you!
You’re welcome, I’m glad this was helpful!
As a gay man married to an intimacy anorexic Middle Eastern man with a Muslim upbringing who's not even fully 'out' to himself, I've been in conflict over all the many layers of trauma & our clashing attachment styles. This video discussion has been very helpful!
I’m glad this was helpful!
@@HelenaHartCoaching 😁👍🏽❤
We are progressing to 'secure' one conversation & tender moment at a time 🙏🏽😌
P. Rabbitt - I’m so happy to hear that!
Absolutely brilliant video. I have learned so much. Just one question ... How does the avoidant typically react if the anxious personality type does the distancing?
I’m glad this was helpful! That may cause the avoidant to come forward, but it really depends on the man as every situation is different. 💜
This video came just in time! Thanks so much ladies!
You're welcome!
This is so interesting. Are people stuck in the patterns? I enjoy connection, communication & intimacy very much. It is very important to me. However, when I go through tragedies, great loss or death, I tend to exhibit some avoidant characteristics. I consider it grieving but it gets personalized by the other person despite my attempts to communicate that I need time to process & grieve.
Thanks for sharing your experience here, Lisa! It depends on the person and situation, but I believe this can be dynamic (rather than static). 💞
My wife is a avoidant detachment style and I’m an anxious detachment style. I have so much love to give and always push her away and then get hurt and reach out more closing her off completely. 13+ years of marriage with 2 kids and it’s still hard. Her childhood parent relationship caused hers and mine caused mine. I wish I could figure out how to make myself better to fix this and learning as much as I can watching and reading about the subject. I’m coming to grips with the idea I’ll never have the love returned in the way I desire for the rest of my life.
I’ve been working on my tan, diet, working out, dress, and trying to make myself better overall. Head over heels for her and the gut wrenching pain when she shuts down is so hard...
Thanks for sharing your experience here, sorry to hear you’re going through this right now. These videos I recorded with Valerie might be helpful for your situation: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/chFbnKP3blo/видео.html.
She looks like Mona Lisa 😍
I’m just learning that I have the anxious attachment style and have met a man I’m very interested in who has an avoidant attachment style. This video explains SO much. No wonder I am so drawn to him. I’m thankful to know this attachment style is something I can heal in myself. Thank you!
You’re welcome! These videos should be really helpful for you: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html, ruclips.net/video/-fmaR8gbZng/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.
Stop giving him your power. Inform him that you need direct, clear communication and behaviors that allow a feeling of connection. Be concrete: If you say you will call and you do not this is rude and ask him to read 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 together with you. Explain love is behavioral and attitudinal. If he feels controlled by studying 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 portion of the Bible then do not expect to be honored since he knows it all. Consider informing him that emotionally available men make poor husbands and break up with him. You need cooperation- not opposition. Go back to Mom. If he laughs or is scornful and has nothing to learn from the Good Book expect the opposite of the love chapter as it is called. If he has a hard time being willing to adapt and minimizes the love chapter of the Bible - move on. Inform him that love requires a willing heart.
This is by far the best n most informational thing I’ve ever seen. Thank u both
You’re welcome! These videos I recorded with Valerie should also be helpful: ruclips.net/video/v2NkEPYVovA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/Smr_BATJ830/видео.html.