Being with an Avoidant is like being alone while constantly being told to be too needy. The Avoidant puts you on pause, is unable to meet your needs EVER! What is the point of being in a relationship just to be alone. No thanks!
I agree. Just to keep the relationship going you have to have none of your needs met, live your life like you’re not in a relationship and never ask for anything. While meeting all their needs. I’m just about to throw the towel in on a 7 year relationship because I’m sick being made to feel needy because I want a normal life. It’s not worth it, anyone who reads this, 7 years down the life, it’s not worth it. Don’t really care why he acts like that anymore, just sick of it.
@@jaysee7283 I split after 5 years. I won't lie it is SOOO hard getting used to "normal" things and being without them. After 5 years straight of cold behavior I now have a hard time with people showing me affection 🙃 it feels completely unnatural when people actually want to spend time with me and want to talk to me regularly.... Life after a long term relationship with a DA requires a lot of work to regain yourself but I think it's worth it. It's wild how much damage control ppl need to do post DA relationships and they come out completely unscathed 🥲
@@mrlynn713 I feel exactly the same way. I feel smothered and stressed when someone is actually normal with me, after years of the avoidant I got so damaged and so used of it that I feel like it’s turned me into an avoidant if I want to be with anyone who isn’t one. It honestly has damaged me so much. If feels as you say, completely unnatural when someone tries to treat me normally because I’m not used Ilf it and I don’t like it now. I wish people could no the damage that avoidants can do to you. It’s that bad I just want to be with the avoidant because that’ feels like the only kind of ‘love’ I can take now. Anything more feels like too much. It’s so sad.
All of these replies! I had to go to therapy for two years after a weird breakup with a DA. There is no deep conversation with these people. ANY indication that you are unhappy or need something just goes automatically to them falling off the face of the earth. They act as if you are asking for too much yet when they need support they expect you to be there. Off and on for six years.
I’ve decided that I deserve more than hot and cold behaviour. To me, it sounds like everyone has to bend over backwards to soothe an avoidant. Nah! The more I heal and the more secure I become, the more I want someone also secure and capable!
They are sooooooo much hard work it’s emotionally draining for the none avoidant I suggest you stay clear unless you are the type that thinks “it’s better than having no relationship at all “ & can put up with bucket fills of what maybe interpreted as SELFISH ARROGANT EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED DEPRESSIVE!!!!😊
I would LOVE to romanticize an Avoidant, the problem, is there (May) be deep routed wounds, or it can be just plain Ole, Narcissistic selfishishness, with a non existent Empathy gene!
@@lunity1111 good to hear that. How did you heal yours? I keep attracting them and did so much self work. Problem is some like my ex come on consistent and dupe you into thinking they are secure. It’s only once you get deeper into the commitment and intimacy their behaviors show
I come to these videos to read the comments. Seriously, do you want to work your ass off to get an avoidant ex back so you can spend the rest of your life jumping through hoops to cater to the immature needs of an emotionally stunted person? The world is FULL of people, young, old, chubby, thin, educated etc. All sorts of people. Find someone who respects you and can connect in a healthy way emotionally.
Do not waste your time trying to understand an avoidant / emotionally unavailable person. Just move on and go find someone else who is emotionally mature and available to be in a relationship with you. Why stress yourself with their bullshit?? Just go where you are wanted and APPRECIATED/ VALUED
Everyone is different. There is no one personality and way of being that is wrong or right. If they are avoidant that works in tandem with your anxiety which is also another form of controlling. No judgment is what makes relationships work. The first mistake is to think you are better than the other person and not worth your time… wow, who is really at a loss if you leave? Them? No… you proved their point as to why they are avoidant in the first place.
@@joshuarodriguez423 - I understand being compassionate but if these folks aren't dealing with their problems, move on. No one owes anyone a relationship, especially one where you have to put up with this BS
@@IamtheFerryMan Not saying that though of course your right. Just trying to get help and it's almost like why make the effort. Still gonna try though personally.
This dismissive and fear avoidant relationship is a waste of time. The person is going to up and leave without any communication. This is abusive and controlling behavior. They don't leave you with the ability to say anything. They make that choice for you. I don't want one! They are selfish people, and in some ways, worst than the narcissist.
They overlap with narcissists and even sometimes you get just a dab of antisocial behavior as a cherry on top. If you see a cluster b set of behaviors happening, just run away.
@@free2bme604 I can be avoidant sometimes. It's a struggle, but definitely always ready to apologize or reach out to someone who matters to me. When they care, they show us they care. No one ever just accidentally drops someone.
Dating an avoidant is like squeezing water out of a stone There are cold and extremely selfish you get literally zero affection, attention, they are immature, do not invest in a relationship, should be just left alone and banned from dating anyone
Wow, just wow. You know you just said all that about the guy who uploaded the video, right? I'm going to be charitable and wish you well following your recent break up.
@@OhWell0 hes talking about DA that dont do the work and continue to be vicious borderline narcs, DA that does the work wont be da anymore they lean towards secure....so
@@coolbeans5528 You have no clue what happened to other people in their childhood. Not everyone plays the Victim Card even when they were abused brutally throughout their life while some use abuse as an excuse not to own responsibility and make others traumatized. That's the case of FAs! And its really insensitive on your part to overly judge someone and assuming about their past when you have no idea about their background!
@@godisonelove3557 they classed all avoidants as selfish, unloving and immature. You're the one being insensitive. You're the one disregarding childhood trauma. Put a sock in it and reflect.
Just avoid the avoidants altogether, too much work too much headaches. They are not healthy people to have a relationship with Why put yourself through all this, you want a partner not a project
Too much drama. Emotionally unavailable people are just a colossal waste of time. Instead of dealing with someone who constantly creates distance and makes you feel like crap find someone decent who actually wants a relationship
Dismissive avoidant guy I fell in love with nearly destroyed me, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically, socially, and consequently financially. I lost myself, and I lost my identity with the pressure of his beliefs of functioning, thinking, feeling, etc. I had to devalue him, in my soul, kill my heart and love towards him, and reprogram my mind by knowledge of attachments style, learning about limerence, my childhood trauma, and who I am now. I will not go for dismissive avoidant again. 💔👻
Only inhuman can play such games at the cost of someone's life (without even realizing what damage they do to others or keeping mum even after knowing about what they are doing.)
This is nice for understanding past experiences, but the best future choice is to not waste your time on these types at all. The return on your investment with an avoidant person is next to nothing, and the cost to your time and energy is way too high.
Everyone is different. There is no one personality and way of being that is wrong or right. If they are avoidant that works in tandem with your anxiety which is also another form of controlling. No judgment is what makes relationships work. The first mistake is to think you are better than the other person and not worth your time… wow, who is really at a loss if you leave? Them? No… you proved their point as to why they are avoidant in the first place.
If you're anxious don't waste your time with an avoidant..they will destroy you. Find someone who is secure..it's a much easier loving path to walkdown.
I am secure and the only time i got a bit anxious was the first time she ended everything out of the blue, but i never chased or begged . The second time she did it , I realised it was almost same pattern as the last time. This time i just totally ignored and walked away and would not reach out. Its unhealthy
Yes indeed. Always their rules terms & conditions. They weaponize your empathy against you to get their needs & wants met. As soon as you suggest a need it's a resistance. All going good they sabatoge.
@@hibiscushoney3759 If you have time to waste, you can set up interactions they may enter with the same conditions that they do to you. I know ultimately it's a waste of time, but for the science.
@@dennisrobinson8008 thanks. But I walked. The textbook DA had pushed the envelope too far. I couldn't get reciprocity on even slight amount in comparison to all the understanding,care gave him.
When their need for space and autonomy are satisfied they are far more likely to strive to satisfy the needs of others. We all have comfort zones and it's important to respect rather than judge the comfort zones of the avoidant as much as we want them to respect our need for intimacy. They can be very accommodating when their needs are respected.
@@deanasmusic1 That’s certainly not true of all avoidance. You can jump through hoops and give them every bit of space they could possibly need. Doesn’t make a difference. I’ll say it again, it’s always about tip toeing around so that they feel like they’re being understood. Then maybe they will throw you a crumb if you’re lucky. Most times however they don’t feel like they need to reciprocate your needs at all. Not healthy. No one deserves that. They are exhausting, hurtful and harmful. If they won’t get help, my advise is run! Far and fast
2 года назад+3
@@deanasmusic1 is there any limit for this autonomy?
The biggest problem in this, is when you give them the space, they use it to get attention from others. They cheat or micro cheat because they love endless attention and confirmation. They just want space from you but think about their ex and keep looking for their next potential partner because subconsciously they know they will sabotage your relationship and move on. So they are always looking.
Is this an avoidant type of person you are talking about or a narcissist? Because narsissists do the same as you describe, looking for new supply all the time.
And sometimes they put you on hold or would give you false hope that eventually someday they will commit. But use the excuse "we don't have a label" to talk to other people while being vague about it
This is 100% accurate. I finally gave him space and went on a 2 week trip with a girl friend and he cheated on me while I was away. Wouldn’t return my texts or calls until I came back. Didn’t tell me once I returned, but saw her name come up on his phone weeks later so of course I looked and he was still stringing her along, and she was wondering why he had pulled back and was “breaking her heart.” These people are a nightmare and I’m still trying to get back to the person I used to be before him.
Your stress levels come down and you begin to become yourself again. Maybe jumping thru hoops is not a dream relationship. But if you like living in a constant state of stress have at it😂
Since the dismissive avoidant is afraid of losing their freedom, do them a favor and break off all contact. Then they can have all the freedom they want. Being with a dismissive avoidant is to much work, and in turn, heartbreak. A successful relationship really shouldn’t be that hard. I would rather be by myself.
Yes, but in the end nobody has a divine right to be in a relationship with someone else. It's a free choice by both parties, and the terms are worked out as they go along. It's really sad and emotionally hard though when one person who is *not* dismissive-avoidant likes or loves somebody who *is* dismissive-avoidant, and can't make it work with them. Falling for someone is often not a choice. It just happens and being dismissive-avoidant is not their fault and doesn't mean they don't have something to offer. If we are attracted strongly to them in the first place, we must like aspects of them as they are.
@@freddiefox. "Avoidant" in my opinion is A: They really not sure about you and would prefer another, B: they like the benefits recieved during relationships, but know they want it to be all about themselves, so they will not have "feelings" either way it's selfish and you nor anyone else needs to put up with it.
@@dennisrobinson8008 Yes, I'm thinking it's probably simpler, more beneficial, and just easier all round to find somebody else who is not Dismissive-Avoidant.
So much work that YOU (the one who is not the avoidant) must do to cater to THEIR issues. And not everyone who is a dismissive avoidant seeks therapy to deal with this. When I sense that the person I'm dating is a dismissive avoidant and they start pulling away because of their 'triggers', I don't even bother. Because you're damned if you go no contact and you're damned if you don't. It's like a lose/lose situation when dealing with someone you care about who's a dismissive avoidant
Like an inner voice always said about being PUSHED into that corner by the lose/lose scenario folks, if I'm going to lose I might as well lose my way! "I don't mean to push, but I'm being SHOVED!"--Pearl Jam 'Whipping': ruclips.net/video/2ek78O2Eays/видео.html (Not trying some tricky double meaning, it just came out that way looking-wise, but yeah when you're being pushed, you've got to push back when you're getting shoved!)
No one chooses to suffer this totally world changing dissorder. I’m at this second living in a tent far away from the world and the people in it. It’s such a less than acceptable existence. I just hope it truly drives me to suicide because I don’t know what else to do. The nhs won’t help me. I just wanna die
We are each in charge of our own lives, behaviors, and the way we choose to treat other humans. I personally would prefer to date someone who is emotionally mature enough to seek help in addressing and healing any childhood trauma, rather than someone who projects it onto others, creating/contributing to traumatizing their significant other in the process due to immaturity, selfishness, self-preservation and laziness. I've dealt with this type of person and they are soooo toxic. Stay away is my advice unless the individual is actively seeking and working with a professional to address and heal the root trauma.
Yes, *AND* they can also be the sweetest people alive. Which is how they reel even SA people in (Me). I'm NC right now, just trying to work on myself, heal, and move on. We just broke up, so it's too recent to get back out there yet. What attracts avoidants is someone independent, which I am. I don't NEED anyone else, but at the same time, I do expect a full, reciprocal partnership and want someone special in my life. I should have paid more attention to this part of Behavioral Science in college. 🤦♀️ These videos are a useful refresher course, and I'll pay more attention going forward.
Be careful when you still feel attached to your ex and they slowly start to drift away from you and ignore you without ending connections or don't break up with you in a healthy normal way. If this is the case you might want to learn about narcissism. Not everyone who does this is narcissistic, but there is a clear pattern of behavior that they display that is disturbingly accurate when you really start to learn about it. They get you addicted to their constant presence, then they enjoy the feeling of being chased when they distance themselves and gradually completely ignore you, often without removing you from any social media or having a breakup discussion. They enjoy watching you apologize for every little thing, saying nothing in return. People have done this to me and it would have finished me if I hadn't been determined to stick around for my family. Hundreds of millions of people have been through this pattern, sadly. They can also anger you and frustrate you to get you to blow up so that from the outside it seems like they had every right to move on and ghost you. And narcissists do move on, very quickly. They usually already have relationships in the beginning stage when they are in the middle of distancing themselves from you. There is a difference between what this guy in the video talks about, and narcissism behavior, but sometimes (especially when they have you blaming yourself for them leaving) it can seem like it's for a reason like this.
this absolutely PERFECTLY describes what I feel I have been experiencing….I don’t know the person is totally narcissistic but they have done all these things…..and I do believe they already have someone in the wings and so pulling back doesnt mean shit to them…..they don’t respond to questions as to why they are pulling back then get mad at you for asking or try to avoid answering…..then I may blow up…..and yes that justifies them walking away…..and today I just got blamed for being “sick” and needing help based on this scenario. The person is very good person and giving to those around her, even to me. So no one would believe my experiences. AND THEY DONT. They say I am sick! And I need help. What about this person’s part? This is so damm spot on I had to take a screenshot. Thank you for the validation. I am exhausted, depressed, worn down, overwhelmed, disappointed, upset, and have never felt so low in years as we are in basically no contact. The last thing she said is I was torturing her with communication that we already had-which I stated things but they were never worked out. This is only a friendship but so painful due to it being such a dear friend. She said she wont change to suit my needs and I will. Never get the friendship I want with her (Does she even know what my needs are or what I want-they don’t want to have open discussions about the relationship! They think you are attacking them!)…. It is almost finishing me out too. I am sick of researching basically for validation. And trying to convince those around me this is NOT all me!! I wish she especially could own that…..because I feel very stigmatized on this. I am always the one apologizing, not her. Even if I don’t really think I should be. Trying to always keep the peace.
@@1286cassandra I recommend learning as much as you can about narcissism. In the meantime, if you are still in contact with them, don't have any more contact with them if possible. Block them, delete them, they might ask mutual friends to question you and act friendly to you to get information on what you're up to, don't say anything to these people about what you know, play dumb and say as little as possible because you can make the situation worse by letting on that you are onto them. If they try to start an argument with you, don't take the bait. Learn all you can, there are so many resources even on youtube alone. I have huge public playlists I've made of other people's videos on narcissism that I have learned so much from. If you can afford it, I recommend therapy, depending on how much they affected you. Even if they're not a narcissist (which they sound like they are), nobody deserves to put up with treatment like that. They try to put the blame for everything on you because shame is like poisonous acid to their fragile egos. But don't provoke them either, they are experts at knowing which of your buttons to push and how to hurt you best. Be careful, be good to yourself, try not to have anything more to do with them or their cronies, and learn all you can about narcissism.
Avoidant people do not enjoy watching someone apologize for no reason just assuming they did something wrong. This givess them anxiety, which causes them to avoid you more...
My experience with an avoidant is like walking on eggshells all the time. And you feel alone all the time with an avoidant. They hardly want do anything with you. Avoidants want you to have a separate life and friends so they can preserve their independence and freedom. You come together when the avoidant is ok with it, on their schedule or when they feel ok with it. Is this what I really want from a relationship, any kind of relationship, including friendship?
Also, avoidants (fearful at least) crave intimacy, but also are scared of it because it brings the possibility of rejection. (Rejection of some form is the root of avoidance).
Rejection is not usually the reason they avoid people. Avoiding trauma from other people is the main reason. People scared of rejection are the anxious type.
@@stephanieann9770: Nah. There's that fear under the surface at all times. It's not 100% conscious to them, and comes out in various ways but even the clinical handbooks link this attachment style back to a subconscious fear of rejection.
@@1286cassandra You have to believe in yourself that you can be happy, content, successful without him. everything happens for a reason. Don’t make him be the reason of your happiness. If he hurt you once, don’t let him keep hurting you by being stuck with him and all the expectations and memories. You have to move forward and love yourself more. I know it’s hard but we can do it. Sending hugs for you ❤️
The reality for DAs these days is that they can jump on a dating app and find a new chump within hours. Another reason that it's unlikely to get back with them.
@@fp2748 they are evil I believe, new names and trendy tags like avoidance is put on them by modern society,but I actually think they are sociopaths ,let's call a spade a spade lack empathy,fake, manipulate,users ,selfish beyond anything normal but this society wants to make excuses for them we should not sick in the head I call it twisted and evil.
I understand few things! Love should be mutual! When you love, you don’t have to work such hard to get someone BACK!! BECAUSE you won’t break up just because your love is pure!! If you find your person, you will not have so many bs in between you!!
@@limitlesssky3050 my DA ex did have at least 2-3 close long term friends. Of course, I don't know how their interactions are. Also they constantly put these friends above me (never cancelling on a friend and always made time for them, but not for me)
One thing you need to consider with an avoidant is that much of there behavior is triggered by there family dynamic growing up. If the avoidant still spends a lot of time with family the triggers may never get better. I was dating an avoidant who I fell madly in love with. Every weekend when she would go to visit her family in the next town over I would see her emediately decline. Now me and her have seperated but I know at some point she will want to return to a relationship. Because her family is so involved in her life I dont see how she is ever going to really heal. I've been watching a lot of video's on how to let go for good. I've never loved any woman the way I love her so this will be a super hard one. I've done hard things before and I will be successful
In Same boat. He had mentally ill family members separate him from every relationship. Wouldn't even introduce me to them but always put them ahead of our primary relationship....it was so insulting and mind boggling but they wanted to sabotage his connection
I'm sorry but we need to make these DAs accountable. They are not children. Just because they had a horrible childhood trauma doesn't excuse them from hurting other people.
You’re describing 100% exactly how my gf is! She broke up and just now I see why she was so strange!! Well, if I can be happy by myself, then why the hell I’ll accept her after her being with someone to “check” how she feels!
@@charliehobson33 yeah! She said “what will you if I get pregnant by chance!? Will you still accept me!?” She said when I said, you can enjoy for one month and I’ll come back in the end of the month!” We are in long distance right now!
Sometimes we need to let go of societal pressures - our belief of how things should be - and work out what works for us. That said, we should stay true to ourselves.
I think what's worst is DAs act like an SA at the beginning of your relationship. They're charming and act as if they adore you but when things starts to get serious - you're suddenly the needy one. You're the one whose desperate and needy for wanting to have more from them. It's like they want you to be there for them but don't expect them to be there for you.
I understand everything being said, and I understand the way it is being described in terms of the triggers , changes that are being recommended etc. That being said, to be honest I feel that the burden on the DA to go to therapy to seek help for this issue, acknowledge it and to work on it. No matter what your attachment style, secure or anxious, there is no way a person can, nor should, accommodate someone who refuses to communicate, progress forward or deny their partner of their needs and rights in the relationship the same as they want and have theirs. What I feel like is this is all about, Majorly, Tailoring yourself the the DA and their needs and forgetting yourself. If they will go to therapy and a knowledge the problem that is fine but if not the other person should not have to deal with all this.. it is insane. My advice to DA, don’t get into a relationship, regardless of your connect needs, unless you have done the work and are truly ready to connect correctly. Be honest with yourself and the person you are interested in otherwise you are playing with their precious heart. Stay single, and, I’m sorry, have a hit it and quit it session of all are adults and consensual if you are not ready and have not done the work . Simple as that
@Someone Special not true... avoident parents will make avoident kids. How do you think kids become avoident? Their emotional needs are denied. The only way to get along with an avoident is to become avoident yourself.
@@someonespecial581 that is actually not true- your kids *can* ‘inherit’ a tendency towards a particular style of coping that, in combination with a DA parent’s disinterest, can result in that child’s latency becoming realised. It’s like inheriting a weakness that then manifests because of environmental or other stressors.
Hi Alexis, Thank you for this video which was so hard to watch. As an anxiously attached person it has been so incredibly painful to long for my ex and to love him so much, only to discover that his fears outweigh his feelings for me. I have never worked so hard to be with someone. Thank you for helping me understand him but the anxious/avoidant pairing has been so damaging to me psychologically and emotionally. I almost wish that I had never met him, and at the same time he is the one person who I would go any lengths to be with. I feel so sad after listening to your advice and explanation. Letting go of an avoidant when you are anxiously attached person feels like death.
4 1/2 years of revising our non relationship as he likes to call it. I only see him about 7 or 8 times a year but we live 20 minutes apart. It's seriously a no win situation.
I am avoidant and married and Aspie. We both have no need for super deep emotions and not clingy to each other . We understand and give each other space . It works !! We respect each other and great at communicating our needs .
@@muhamedadel2012 absolutely not . We are on the same level and very much attracted to each other with good Intimate life. Clingy does not do it for me and thankfully the same for my husband . We a both confided with each other , love and trust goes both ways .
I said this before and I will again. Avoidants are updatable unless they go through therapy! I am sorry but even anxious style is better than this constant unknown whether they will wake up one morning and decide they want to go on a solo trip to Mexico.... work or group/friends trips are ok but the solo trips are just too much of cold shower for me...I do like my private time too but don't feel the need to enjoy things by myself.
Mine dropped me like a hot potato (via text) because I dared to say I wanted to be a priority and have my needs met. Regardless of the reason, these people are toxic.
You really need to be someone who don't have strong connection needs with a partner to be with an avoidant. It is not just about understanding what they want but also understand what one self wants. It is not worth to bend backward to be with them if you want to have rich and deep connection. Avoidants who don't heal cannot provide in-depth connection.
I've listened to a lot of videos and feel that the avoidant attachment style really suits my ex as a description better than anything else. But, the more I hear all this, the more I wonder...? Why would I bother with all this...? If the avoidant has all these troubles... shouldn't they sort it out themselves? So, if my ex contacts me, which she might... Is it really my responsibility to dance around her avoidant attachment style? I'm starting to feel that avoidants are bordering on narcissism when considering all the dancing around we have to do to be able to remain with them.
@@AlexisFriedlander Well, you know how they say love passes through the stomache... (for some it does)... but there is a wisdom in that saying, in the sense that you have to feed love with something for the fire to burn. If you keep through ice-buckets at it, you put it out. So, sometimes love just doesn't have the necessary material to survive. Anyway, I don't know. If she actually does contact me, which I doubt, I'll see if I want to reply to her then... also dependent on what she says. Thank you for your work.
@@Ninjaphil24Love is probably the most unnecessary thing in a relationship. Suitability and commonality in principles, morals, mind sets and sex are more important than love.
There's a lot of anti-avoidant comments here. I mean, I get it, but Alexis is also (or was) an avoidant. Just wanted to say that you're doing a great thing by trying to help people in this way. Thanks!
Yeah but why do they seem to prefer to date co dependant types and not other avoidant people.an avoidant is the perfect partner for an avoidant, not a secure or dependant person. 🤷🏽♂️
Opposites attract. It very common for DA and AP to be drawn together. I believe it's by design, to reflect each other, and learn to grow.. we all need to grow.
Two avoidents don't work because neither pursue each other. Can't light a fire without a spark. In order for a relationship to start there has to be one willing to get rejected.
I've dated an Avoidant for two months. I felt so disgusted of her and our interactions after our second date (two dates in two months), I just ghosted her afterwards.
Imagine wanting a relationship with a person who is scared to death of relationships. Imagine a person who is so scared of relationships that they have led themselves to believe that their "space" and "freedom" and the perpetual loneliness they sabotage themselves with is more important to them than companionship. NEVER chase these trainwrecks, RUN from them.
4:00-"I need to fight for them (you feel)." I love how not only women want to do that acting-- like it's the 1950s without giving the men the same benefit-- but nowadays some now EX-friends (by my choice) will do this too. I l will NEVER EVER fight for the so-called privilege of being romantic nor friends with someone who only barely wants to be with me or is acting that way. At that point it's like the beginning of the end has been fast forwarded to the end of the end for myself towards them
Feeling same way but not wanting to accept the feelings as the friend means a lot to me. Didnt really notice her behaviors until this year much. Now even more understanding da. Exhausting. Though she would say Im exhausting with my anxious attachment, though working so hard on it and give her space.
The anxious one, didn't get nurturing love from their mother, and they usually pick an avoidant or someone closed off. It's like a puppy having separation anxiety. The avoidant wants safe space but so does the anxious one. I'm not anxious right now. I'm empath, someone sends me the right love energy it feels so real, peaceful. Others throw out intense sex energy and it feels like being slimed.
Oh my god! I thought my last partener was a narcissist but I realise he is an avoidant now. My ex before that is an narcissist so i thought the behaviour was similar. Everything you said is him. This time the cycle of jumping through hoops will not continue. My confidence in my self and my voice is coming back allreadand its only been a week. I amaware he may try to pop up again as that's his style but I'm prepared to go no contact. It's just not worth messing with my allready fragile mental health.
Often a man avoids, it’s because something else is going on in his life, that he’s not telling you about OR for reasons he can’t commit , and gives you the hot/cold behaviour, because often if a man just wants to go he will (if you have no financial or children ties) , so if he’s avoiding it’s not always just psychological , I find talking to a lot of women , it’s usually other things going on in the background, it doesn’t make it okay, I feel sometimes you have to get to the point of not caring, which can be difficult, but once you get there, your not sat there on demand for him ! But I sure wouldn’t pursue a man who’s hot cold, you need to back off yourself , if a man wants you he’s not going to let you go! Chase a man and the situation goes backwards, and you will feel more empowered when you back off yourself , let him come to you, turn the situation around.
That's what I've done, when he started ignoring text messages with questions about a ehole-day date he invitrd me to! I left explaining I don't tolerate disrespect and confusing behaviour and wished him well. But it doesn't change the fact, HIS relational patterns are the same.
Well many men in relationship do encourage single men to do hot cold. According to these people, women looovee hot cold games. I personally hate any form of dating games, I personally think dating should be effortless.
...addition to "the best approach": and kick their ass if they give you bs, blame everything on you, and take no action in order to become a more reliable person.
I was friends with mine for 10 years before we started dating. Being friends was one thing being with him was great at first but then i started questioning the hot and cold behaviors and judging me for everything out of the blue after 5 times of breaking up and him coming back i really started to dig deeper into what was going on and this is where it lead me.
Selfish, huge ego. If on the dismissive end they are pathological u cannot change them nor do they want to change. They think they r fine. Let them be on their own as they wish. Stop chasing people chase dreams instead!
So I'm a black and white person - no grey areas. I just broke up with a DA and I never heard of this until a family member mentioned to me that he really liked me but got scared. I knew he had a lot of problems after the death of his dad when he was young so somehow I stumbled over this DA information and it describes him to a T. His first wife after 10 yrs. of marriage and 4 kids cheated on him and his second wife that he was with for 10 yrs. and then married ended the marriage after one year. He was alone for 10 years and then met me. What's baffling to me is how he managed to stay in those prior relationships for so long.
I am 70% secure and 30% FA. I have a life, family, friends, etc.I am independent, too. The issue with my ex FA was not space, but intimacy and commitment. I gave him lots of space. He couldn't handle intimacy and commitment.
Oh that's how they do it shocking ,the cruelty lack of face time in person talk just text message gone ,she was narcistic I came to the conclusion but so sad the coldness lack of respect but life goes on and good people are out there avoid these pyschopaths.
Yeah wish I could stop watching these videos and trust and validate myself. Seems others who havent been there are taking the other persons side and seeing me crazy-probably same as she is. I wish she would watch a da or AP/da video but she doesnt seem interested. Why do they not want to change or be interested in their behaviors?
Thank you for your bright explanations . It's exhausting situation, because they are really afraid and when he feels he loves me he just run away. ..How can you handle it ? I have no idea. I've tried for more than 10 years but it comes to the same point again and again
I’m so happy having my former partner back, after being separated for months. All thanks to dr Fred Morgan whom help me to get back my ex again ‘ I will suggest y’all to get help from him and it works within 7 days
I told my DA boyfriend I had to move, and to my delight he offered that I move in with him. But now that I've given my notice to my landlord, my DA isn't talking to me. It's so annoying and I'm worried about living with him.
My avoidant ex was very avoidant the last month of our short relationship. Strange behavior, (few kisses, no sex, pretended he was sick, tired, etc). He broke up with me and said: "I have feelings for you, I really like you, but I don't understand, I just feel it in my gut that we are not going to succeed long term". 45 days of no contact after that, we both stopped talking. I don't understand anything, we had a beautiful connection.
He more than likely was a coward. Dismissive avoidance pretty much are. They have the majority level of a child in a man or women’s body. A true man or women will embrace conflicts in relationships and talk them out, not dump you the moment things get difficult.
@@robertrainford6754 oh yeah, coward is a very accurate adjective. Everything was SO weird with him, we had a 2 month relationship and he acted "normal" only for a couple of weeks. Suddenly he pulled away, for no reason. He wouldn't hold my hand or look at me in the eyes, he avoided me, that was so painful. I complained and he did nothing to fix it: "this who I am, this is my personality", "I'm not very passionate or emotional", "I'm very blocked in that department". That kind of things he told me but never fixed anything and always found a way to blame me. One day he showed up acting very cold and told me I was "too passive" in the relationship, like... He felt he had to do everything. Can you believe the level of gaslighting? So I did more. And when I asked for a hug I never got it. It is incredible painful. Now I feel that I had a relationship alone, like I was forcing him to stay with me for 2 months while he was uncomfortable all the time. He never introduced me as his girlfriend:( finally he dumped me because we had too many conversations, that was his reason. It's been 4 months of no contact, he dissapeared, and as much as it hurts it's not my job to contact him. A real coward who dumped a beautiful and caring woman who was 100% invested in the relationship. Nobody acts the way he did. Sorry for the long comment. Still hurts so much.
Always damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Best to self love and move along. Too draining and unhealthy for the healthy. Let them figure out. Force healing for themselves by not being a door mat . They are on the lookout always to dump and run. Wasted years adds up. Without professional help. Forget about it.
Hello My first time here Looking forward to this one I was dealing with a man that had a very unhealthy way about not connecting He is nice but had this can't speak about love or mention it
it took me 6 months to stop fighting because she wouldnt stop hurting me and dismissing our entire 2 year relationship... she even tried to reduce it down to 4 months.. i got an email accusing me of all kinds of things that werent true, mechanisms fix on and be angry about to avoid feeling guilty about all the hurtful things she said and did. im finally backing off after that because I realized there is no talking to her when shes like this... i realized she was scared I guess and just needs me to back off but the things she said made me feel like she never cared at all..
It’s definitely a lot of work I broke things off with mines . I told her she has to meet me halfway believe it or not we actually talked about a lot of things i was shocked and could tell that the therapy is helping . She was going twice A week and recently had A mental breakdown about her decision towards the relationship. She even checked into rehab I honestly don’t know if that’s good or bad .
My ex initiated all the strong feelings, plans for the future, getting into a relationship. She love bombed me from the start then pulled the rug. It wans't me overwhelming. I reciprocated because I fell for her, but she overwhelmed herself if anything. I always tried to respect her boundaries and checked in with her a few times about when she wanted me to leave when I was visiting and her answer was always "I never want you to leave", and everything was great so I had no reason to suspect there was anything wrong. If she was having issues I'm not sure why she wouldn't talk to me about it. She didn't even try to talk to me about anything and broke up with me by text the next day when I got home. which I accepted. Feels really awful to be in this spot.
So if they dumped you, and you tried to reconcile and talk things through but they were set on moving on. Wouldn’t indefinite new contact be the answer, and have them reach out to you if they ever change their mind?
If they drop you, don't pick them up. Just move on. You don't need difficult people to have a relationship with, life is already plenty difficult without people making it more difficult.
I have my own life. Given him so much space, time, patience. We only saw each other every 10 -14 days. He TOLD me I didnt pressure him at all. I respect boundaries. He still ended it after 8mos saying he felt this heaviness (fear) and said he checked out of the relationship. I know he has feelings for me.I know he wants his independence but I also know he has low self esteem&he craves love/connection. Why won't he try? I'm safe!
I’m an avoidant person. I have an avoidant attachment style. Once something feels like it’s over I walk away like it never happened. I hate it but it’s who I am
I understand my limit in as much as my love is more than my fear of being with him. I can’t do this , what if he starts withdrawing again and I have to keep dealing with this and keep my needs smaller . Only gonna drive me to be more anxious
He reached out after 3 weeks... Texted me like nothing happened. I answered nice, but like he does (impersonal, cold), he never said nothing about us, just random stuff. So at The end i told hit that maybe we never see each other again. And he said "oh". And thats all, i start no contact again. I don't think he reach out again... Right?
Hi coach, thank you for well put video, I have a question. My avoidant partner suddenly moved out 3 months ago without us having any problem what so ever, we talked few times and agreed to date but on the day which he planned never reached out and I didn’t reach out either and now it’s been two months of no contact. My question is can I reach him and ask him to meet up ? I have been working on myself constantly and hopping he did too! Appreciate your response ! Thank you
🚨Book an assessment with a member of my team www.igetmyexback.com/coaching🚨
Are you a mountain or a beach person?
Being with an Avoidant is like being alone while constantly being told to be too needy. The Avoidant puts you on pause, is unable to meet your needs EVER! What is the point of being in a relationship just to be alone. No thanks!
I agree. Just to keep the relationship going you have to have none of your needs met, live your life like you’re not in a relationship and never ask for anything. While meeting all their needs. I’m just about to throw the towel in on a 7 year relationship because I’m sick being made to feel needy because I want a normal life. It’s not worth it, anyone who reads this, 7 years down the life, it’s not worth it. Don’t really care why he acts like that anymore, just sick of it.
@@jaysee7283 are you a mountain person or a beach person?
@@jaysee7283 I split after 5 years. I won't lie it is SOOO hard getting used to "normal" things and being without them. After 5 years straight of cold behavior I now have a hard time with people showing me affection 🙃 it feels completely unnatural when people actually want to spend time with me and want to talk to me regularly.... Life after a long term relationship with a DA requires a lot of work to regain yourself but I think it's worth it. It's wild how much damage control ppl need to do post DA relationships and they come out completely unscathed 🥲
@@mrlynn713 I feel exactly the same way. I feel smothered and stressed when someone is actually normal with me, after years of the avoidant I got so damaged and so used of it that I feel like it’s turned me into an avoidant if I want to be with anyone who isn’t one. It honestly has damaged me so much. If feels as you say, completely unnatural when someone tries to treat me normally because I’m not used Ilf it and I don’t like it now. I wish people could no the damage that avoidants can do to you. It’s that bad I just want to be with the avoidant because that’ feels like the only kind of ‘love’ I can take now. Anything more feels like too much. It’s so sad.
All of these replies! I had to go to therapy for two years after a weird breakup with a DA. There is no deep conversation with these people. ANY indication that you are unhappy or need something just goes automatically to them falling off the face of the earth. They act as if you are asking for too much yet when they need support they expect you to be there.
Off and on for six years.
I’ve decided that I deserve more than hot and cold behaviour. To me, it sounds like everyone has to bend over backwards to soothe an avoidant. Nah! The more I heal and the more secure I become, the more I want someone also secure and capable!
👏👏👏👏
I think that happens I don’t get attracted to avoidants anymore now I healed it’ll only work if you both heal simultaneously I think
They are sooooooo much hard work it’s emotionally draining for the none avoidant I suggest you stay clear unless you are the type that thinks “it’s better than having no relationship at all “ & can put up with bucket fills of what maybe interpreted as SELFISH ARROGANT EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED DEPRESSIVE!!!!😊
I would LOVE to romanticize an Avoidant, the problem, is there (May) be deep routed wounds, or it can be just plain Ole, Narcissistic selfishishness, with a non existent Empathy gene!
@@lunity1111 good to hear that. How did you heal yours? I keep attracting them and did so much self work. Problem is some like my ex come on consistent and dupe you into thinking they are secure. It’s only once you get deeper into the commitment and intimacy their behaviors show
I come to these videos to read the comments. Seriously, do you want to work your ass off to get an avoidant ex back so you can spend the rest of your life jumping through hoops to cater to the immature needs of an emotionally stunted person?
The world is FULL of people, young, old, chubby, thin, educated etc. All sorts of people. Find someone who respects you and can connect in a healthy way emotionally.
Best comment 🎉 You’re absolutely right.
They definitely do not openly communicate especially about emotions and needs and the relationship.
Omg. 10000%
Yaaaasssss
I feel so validated reading the comments ❤
Do not waste your time trying to understand an avoidant / emotionally unavailable person.
Just move on and go find someone else who is emotionally mature and available to be in a relationship with you.
Why stress yourself with their bullshit??
Just go where you are wanted and APPRECIATED/ VALUED
Everyone is different. There is no one personality and way of being that is wrong or right. If they are avoidant that works in tandem with your anxiety which is also another form of controlling. No judgment is what makes relationships work. The first mistake is to think you are better than the other person and not worth your time… wow, who is really at a loss if you leave? Them? No… you proved their point as to why they are avoidant in the first place.
Right on. It's a dead end or a slow torture to the end.
@@grumpyschnauzerFor real all these comments are so disheartening tbh.
@@joshuarodriguez423 - I understand being compassionate but if these folks aren't dealing with their problems, move on. No one owes anyone a relationship, especially one where you have to put up with this BS
@@IamtheFerryMan Not saying that though of course your right. Just trying to get help and it's almost like why make the effort. Still gonna try though personally.
This dismissive and fear avoidant relationship is a waste of time. The person is going to up and leave without any communication. This is abusive and controlling behavior. They don't leave you with the ability to say anything. They make that choice for you. I don't want one! They are selfish people, and in some ways, worst than the narcissist.
They overlap with narcissists and even sometimes you get just a dab of antisocial behavior as a cherry on top. If you see a cluster b set of behaviors happening, just run away.
🎯💯💯💯💯🎯
I agree with you
It's a complete waste of t6and energy
Not worth it
@@racheltania2464 💯🎯
Exactly and often they are both avoidant and narcissistic
@@free2bme604 I can be avoidant sometimes. It's a struggle, but definitely always ready to apologize or reach out to someone who matters to me. When they care, they show us they care. No one ever just accidentally drops someone.
Dating an avoidant is like squeezing water out of a stone
There are cold and extremely selfish you get literally zero affection, attention, they are immature, do not invest in a relationship, should be just left alone and banned from dating anyone
wow! what a really empathetic way of looking at a group of people who have a disorder from child abuse! i bet you are a gem.
Wow, just wow. You know you just said all that about the guy who uploaded the video, right?
I'm going to be charitable and wish you well following your recent break up.
@@OhWell0 hes talking about DA that dont do the work and continue to be vicious borderline narcs, DA that does the work wont be da anymore they lean towards secure....so
@@coolbeans5528 You have no clue what happened to other people in their childhood.
Not everyone plays the Victim Card even when they were abused brutally throughout their life while some use abuse as an excuse not to own responsibility and make others traumatized. That's the case of FAs!
And its really insensitive on your part to overly judge someone and assuming about their past when you have no idea about their background!
@@godisonelove3557 they classed all avoidants as selfish, unloving and immature. You're the one being insensitive. You're the one disregarding childhood trauma. Put a sock in it and reflect.
I feel so validated reading the comments.
Just avoid the avoidants altogether, too much work too much headaches. They are not healthy people to have a relationship with
Why put yourself through all this, you want a partner not a project
Too much drama. Emotionally unavailable people are just a colossal waste of time. Instead of dealing with someone who constantly creates distance and makes you feel like crap find someone decent who actually wants a relationship
The needs of most avoidance is that their partner has no needs. Someone who doesn’t want to offer anything is not a good partner.
Dismissive avoidant guy I fell in love with nearly destroyed me, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically, socially, and consequently financially. I lost myself, and I lost my identity with the pressure of his beliefs of functioning, thinking, feeling, etc. I had to devalue him, in my soul, kill my heart and love towards him, and reprogram my mind by knowledge of attachments style, learning about limerence, my childhood trauma, and who I am now.
I will not go for dismissive avoidant again. 💔👻
No normal healthy person deserves avoidant type. You can find fully healthy individual you don’t need to compromise. Leave avoidants to themselves.
Only inhuman can play such games at the cost of someone's life (without even realizing what damage they do to others or keeping mum even after knowing about what they are doing.)
That is so true!
This is nice for understanding past experiences, but the best future choice is to not waste your time on these types at all. The return on your investment with an avoidant person is next to nothing, and the cost to your time and energy is way too high.
Yup, finding out the hard way like most people on here. Never again
Everyone is different. There is no one personality and way of being that is wrong or right. If they are avoidant that works in tandem with your anxiety which is also another form of controlling. No judgment is what makes relationships work. The first mistake is to think you are better than the other person and not worth your time… wow, who is really at a loss if you leave? Them? No… you proved their point as to why they are avoidant in the first place.
Yes, the pain is deep. Worst I have ever felt.
If you're anxious don't waste your time with an avoidant..they will destroy you. Find someone who is secure..it's a much easier loving path to walkdown.
I am secure and the only time i got a bit anxious was the first time she ended everything out of the blue, but i never chased or begged . The second time she did it , I realised it was almost same pattern as the last time. This time i just totally ignored and walked away and would not reach out. Its unhealthy
You gain alot of confidence back. Avoidants typically devalue you and limit the interaction you are allowed so that they may justify their choice.
Limit the interaction…..pull back without explanation……get mad when you want to know what the hell is going on
LEAVE ASAP AS YOU CAN DO SOOO MUCH BETTER AND NOT WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON HURTFUL NARCISSISSTS!!!
Yes indeed. Always their rules terms & conditions. They weaponize your empathy against you to get their needs & wants met. As soon as you suggest a need it's a resistance. All going good they sabatoge.
@@hibiscushoney3759 If you have time to waste, you can set up interactions they may enter with the same conditions that they do to you. I know ultimately it's a waste of time, but for the science.
@@dennisrobinson8008 thanks. But I walked. The textbook DA had pushed the envelope too far. I couldn't get reciprocity on even slight amount in comparison to all the understanding,care gave him.
When does the avoidant have to compromise to meet their partner instead of everyone always bending for them? They’re big selfish babies.
because people want things they cannot have?
Damn skippy
When their need for space and autonomy are satisfied they are far more likely to strive to satisfy the needs of others. We all have comfort zones and it's important to respect rather than judge the comfort zones of the avoidant as much as we want them to respect our need for intimacy. They can be very accommodating when their needs are respected.
@@deanasmusic1 That’s certainly not true of all avoidance. You can jump through hoops and give them every bit of space they could possibly need. Doesn’t make a difference. I’ll say it again, it’s always about tip toeing around so that they feel like they’re being understood. Then maybe they will throw you a crumb if you’re lucky. Most times however they don’t feel like they need to reciprocate your needs at all. Not healthy. No one deserves that. They are exhausting, hurtful and harmful. If they won’t get help, my advise is run! Far and fast
@@deanasmusic1 is there any limit for this autonomy?
The biggest problem in this, is when you give them the space, they use it to get attention from others. They cheat or micro cheat because they love endless attention and confirmation. They just want space from you but think about their ex and keep looking for their next potential partner because subconsciously they know they will sabotage your relationship and move on. So they are always looking.
Right on point!
Is this an avoidant type of person you are talking about or a narcissist? Because narsissists do the same as you describe, looking for new supply all the time.
@@myrtofeli7340 definitely avoidant. I know how to spot the difference.
And sometimes they put you on hold or would give you false hope that eventually someday they will commit. But use the excuse "we don't have a label" to talk to other people while being vague about it
This is 100% accurate. I finally gave him space and went on a 2 week trip with a girl friend and he cheated on me while I was away. Wouldn’t return my texts or calls until I came back. Didn’t tell me once I returned, but saw her name come up on his phone weeks later so of course I looked and he was still stringing her along, and she was wondering why he had pulled back and was “breaking her heart.” These people are a nightmare and I’m still trying to get back to the person I used to be before him.
Leave them ! That’s what you do ! That’s too much energy and life is too short .
Your stress levels come down and you begin to become yourself again. Maybe jumping thru hoops is not a dream relationship. But if you like living in a constant state of stress have at it😂
Since the dismissive avoidant is afraid of losing their freedom, do them a favor and break off all contact. Then they can have all the freedom they want.
Being with a dismissive avoidant is to much work, and in turn, heartbreak. A successful relationship really shouldn’t be that hard. I would rather be by myself.
Respecting the "avoidant" "boundaries" sometimes is not "good" as it enables their dynamic, which keeps you forced into a box...
Yes, but in the end nobody has a divine right to be in a relationship with someone else. It's a free choice by both parties, and the terms are worked out as they go along. It's really sad and emotionally hard though when one person who is *not* dismissive-avoidant likes or loves somebody who *is* dismissive-avoidant, and can't make it work with them. Falling for someone is often not a choice. It just happens and being dismissive-avoidant is not their fault and doesn't mean they don't have something to offer. If we are attracted strongly to them in the first place, we must like aspects of them as they are.
@@freddiefox. "Avoidant" in my opinion is A: They really not sure about you and would prefer another, B: they like the benefits recieved during relationships, but know they want it to be all about themselves, so they will not have "feelings" either way it's selfish and you nor anyone else needs to put up with it.
@@dennisrobinson8008 Yes, I'm thinking it's probably simpler, more beneficial, and just easier all round to find somebody else who is not Dismissive-Avoidant.
@@freddiefox. Find someone who is all into you that you have mutual attraction it'll raise your life.
@@freddiefox. what is the da getting from the other person? I have asked her that and never got an answer. Why are we friends then?
So much work that YOU (the one who is not the avoidant) must do to cater to THEIR issues. And not everyone who is a dismissive avoidant seeks therapy to deal with this. When I sense that the person I'm dating is a dismissive avoidant and they start pulling away because of their 'triggers', I don't even bother. Because you're damned if you go no contact and you're damned if you don't. It's like a lose/lose situation when dealing with someone you care about who's a dismissive avoidant
Amen
Like an inner voice always said about being PUSHED into that corner by the lose/lose scenario folks, if I'm going to lose I might as well lose my way! "I don't mean to push, but I'm being SHOVED!"--Pearl Jam 'Whipping': ruclips.net/video/2ek78O2Eays/видео.html
(Not trying some tricky double meaning, it just came out that way looking-wise, but yeah when you're being pushed, you've got to push back when you're getting shoved!)
Yes…it’s a nightmare
Sounds like abusive behavior
No one chooses to suffer this totally world changing dissorder.
I’m at this second living in a tent far away from the world and the people in it.
It’s such a less than acceptable existence.
I just hope it truly drives me to suicide because I don’t know what else to do.
The nhs won’t help me.
I just wanna die
We are each in charge of our own lives, behaviors, and the way we choose to treat other humans. I personally would prefer to date someone who is emotionally mature enough to seek help in addressing and healing any childhood trauma, rather than someone who projects it onto others, creating/contributing to traumatizing their significant other in the process due to immaturity, selfishness, self-preservation and laziness. I've dealt with this type of person and they are soooo toxic. Stay away is my advice unless the individual is actively seeking and working with a professional to address and heal the root trauma.
100%
Yes, *AND* they can also be the sweetest people alive. Which is how they reel even SA people in (Me). I'm NC right now, just trying to work on myself, heal, and move on. We just broke up, so it's too recent to get back out there yet. What attracts avoidants is someone independent, which I am. I don't NEED anyone else, but at the same time, I do expect a full, reciprocal partnership and want someone special in my life.
I should have paid more attention to this part of Behavioral Science in college. 🤦♀️ These videos are a useful refresher course, and I'll pay more attention going forward.
🎉🎉🎉best answer
Be careful when you still feel attached to your ex and they slowly start to drift away from you and ignore you without ending connections or don't break up with you in a healthy normal way. If this is the case you might want to learn about narcissism. Not everyone who does this is narcissistic, but there is a clear pattern of behavior that they display that is disturbingly accurate when you really start to learn about it. They get you addicted to their constant presence, then they enjoy the feeling of being chased when they distance themselves and gradually completely ignore you, often without removing you from any social media or having a breakup discussion. They enjoy watching you apologize for every little thing, saying nothing in return. People have done this to me and it would have finished me if I hadn't been determined to stick around for my family. Hundreds of millions of people have been through this pattern, sadly. They can also anger you and frustrate you to get you to blow up so that from the outside it seems like they had every right to move on and ghost you. And narcissists do move on, very quickly. They usually already have relationships in the beginning stage when they are in the middle of distancing themselves from you. There is a difference between what this guy in the video talks about, and narcissism behavior, but sometimes (especially when they have you blaming yourself for them leaving) it can seem like it's for a reason like this.
Whatsaap him"**
@@rosesmith6756 No thanks, I'm good.
this absolutely PERFECTLY describes what I feel I have been experiencing….I don’t know the person is totally narcissistic but they have done all these things…..and I do believe they already have someone in the wings and so pulling back doesnt mean shit to them…..they don’t respond to questions as to why they are pulling back then get mad at you for asking or try to avoid answering…..then I may blow up…..and yes that justifies them walking away…..and today I just got blamed for being “sick” and needing help based on this scenario. The person is very good person and giving to those around her, even to me. So no one would believe my experiences. AND THEY DONT. They say I am sick! And I need help. What about this person’s part? This is so damm spot on I had to take a screenshot. Thank you for the validation. I am exhausted, depressed, worn down, overwhelmed, disappointed, upset, and have never felt so low in years as we are in basically no contact. The last thing she said is I was torturing her with communication that we already had-which I stated things but they were never worked out. This is only a friendship but so painful due to it being such a dear friend. She said she wont change to suit my needs and I will. Never get the friendship I want with her (Does she even know what my needs are or what I want-they don’t want to have open discussions about the relationship! They think you are attacking them!)…. It is almost finishing me out too. I am sick of researching basically for validation. And trying to convince those around me this is NOT all me!! I wish she especially could own that…..because I feel very stigmatized on this. I am always the one apologizing, not her. Even if I don’t really think I should be. Trying to always keep the peace.
@@1286cassandra I recommend learning as much as you can about narcissism. In the meantime, if you are still in contact with them, don't have any more contact with them if possible. Block them, delete them, they might ask mutual friends to question you and act friendly to you to get information on what you're up to, don't say anything to these people about what you know, play dumb and say as little as possible because you can make the situation worse by letting on that you are onto them. If they try to start an argument with you, don't take the bait. Learn all you can, there are so many resources even on youtube alone. I have huge public playlists I've made of other people's videos on narcissism that I have learned so much from. If you can afford it, I recommend therapy, depending on how much they affected you. Even if they're not a narcissist (which they sound like they are), nobody deserves to put up with treatment like that. They try to put the blame for everything on you because shame is like poisonous acid to their fragile egos. But don't provoke them either, they are experts at knowing which of your buttons to push and how to hurt you best. Be careful, be good to yourself, try not to have anything more to do with them or their cronies, and learn all you can about narcissism.
Avoidant people do not enjoy watching someone apologize for no reason just assuming they did something wrong. This givess them anxiety, which causes them to avoid you more...
My experience with an avoidant is like walking on eggshells all the time. And you feel alone all the time with an avoidant. They hardly want do anything with you. Avoidants want you to have a separate life and friends so they can preserve their independence and freedom. You come together when the avoidant is ok with it, on their schedule or when they feel ok with it. Is this what I really want from a relationship, any kind of relationship, including friendship?
Pray for that person. Quit trying to force yourself on them.
Agree but also just move on
Fearful avoidant ‘dating’ = waste. of. Time
Also, avoidants (fearful at least) crave intimacy, but also are scared of it because it brings the possibility of rejection. (Rejection of some form is the root of avoidance).
Rejection is not usually the reason they avoid people. Avoiding trauma from other people is the main reason. People scared of rejection are the anxious type.
@@stephanieann9770Trauma?
Yessss exactly
@@stephanieann9770no avoidants fear rejection for sure. They only let you close enough to not hurt them. They are very defensive .
@@stephanieann9770: Nah. There's that fear under the surface at all times. It's not 100% conscious to them, and comes out in various ways but even the clinical handbooks link this attachment style back to a subconscious fear of rejection.
It’s definitely my ex. We were in 5 year relationship. I set him free. I set myself free also, my happiness doesn’t depend on him.
How to set free? I am exhausted and very sad.
@@1286cassandra You have to believe in yourself that you can be happy, content, successful without him. everything happens for a reason. Don’t make him be the reason of your happiness. If he hurt you once, don’t let him keep hurting you by being stuck with him and all the expectations and memories. You have to move forward and love yourself more. I know it’s hard but we can do it. Sending hugs for you ❤️
@@1286cassandraTell him or her the relationship is done. And then stop all contact with that person.
The reality for DAs these days is that they can jump on a dating app and find a new chump within hours. Another reason that it's unlikely to get back with them.
Exactly they are cold ,selfish,cruel even evil I came to a conclusion run away.
Well always remember that they got you and could not keep you. If this makes you feel better. I doubt they can actually keep a healthy relationship.
@@fp2748 they are evil I believe, new names and trendy tags like avoidance is put on them by modern society,but I actually think they are sociopaths ,let's call a spade a spade lack empathy,fake, manipulate,users ,selfish beyond anything normal but this society wants to make excuses for them we should not sick in the head I call it twisted and evil.
what's the point of a relationship if you can't count on the person?
Hahaha so true! Just to participate in the hot n cold game of your partner and being in love with the idea of being in love.
I understand few things! Love should be mutual! When you love, you don’t have to work such hard to get someone BACK!! BECAUSE you won’t break up just because your love is pure!! If you find your person, you will not have so many bs in between you!!
My ex wanted distance from me -- NEVER from his friends.
That's because their friends don't require the same emotional intimacy we do. They can remain surface-level. Mine was the same way
Let me guess, your ex doesn't have a best friend. Just many surface value friends but no actual close friends.
@@limitlesssky3050 He has 3 close friends he's known for years and several men in his daily social circle.
need to stop calling them "friends" all they are, are acquaintances
@@limitlesssky3050 my DA ex did have at least 2-3 close long term friends. Of course, I don't know how their interactions are. Also they constantly put these friends above me (never cancelling on a friend and always made time for them, but not for me)
Keep it simple, ghost the avoidant randomly then if they continue to avoid you...avoid them at all costs.
One thing you need to consider with an avoidant is that much of there behavior is triggered by there family dynamic growing up. If the avoidant still spends a lot of time with family the triggers may never get better. I was dating an avoidant who I fell madly in love with. Every weekend when she would go to visit her family in the next town over I would see her emediately decline. Now me and her have seperated but I know at some point she will want to return to a relationship. Because her family is so involved in her life I dont see how she is ever going to really heal. I've been watching a lot of video's on how to let go for good. I've never loved any woman the way I love her so this will be a super hard one. I've done hard things before and I will be successful
In Same boat. He had mentally ill family members separate him from every relationship. Wouldn't even introduce me to them but always put them ahead of our primary relationship....it was so insulting and mind boggling but they wanted to sabotage his connection
I'm sorry but we need to make these DAs accountable. They are not children. Just because they had a horrible childhood trauma doesn't excuse them from hurting other people.
Update?
Avoidant people won’t be watching this they will be off avoiding! Ha ha the ones suffering the avoidants behavior will be here!
Agree.its still validating to see all these experiences of people at the other side of avoidant
😂like narcissism. The only mental/emotional illness where everyone else gets to the therapist
You’re describing 100% exactly how my gf is! She broke up and just now I see why she was so strange!! Well, if I can be happy by myself, then why the hell I’ll accept her after her being with someone to “check” how she feels!
Being with someone else?
@@charliehobson33 yeah! She said “what will you if I get pregnant by chance!? Will you still accept me!?” She said when I said, you can enjoy for one month and I’ll come back in the end of the month!” We are in long distance right now!
That is absolutely insane tilak231. She is demanding you to be okay with her promiscuous behavior and you want something real. Crazy crazy crazy.
Why would anyone want an avoidant back? Take some time to see your own worth and value. You can do BETTER. walk away and find someone who values you!
Sometimes we need to let go of societal pressures - our belief of how things should be - and work out what works for us. That said, we should stay true to ourselves.
I think what's worst is DAs act like an SA at the beginning of your relationship. They're charming and act as if they adore you but when things starts to get serious - you're suddenly the needy one. You're the one whose desperate and needy for wanting to have more from them. It's like they want you to be there for them but don't expect them to be there for you.
I understand everything being said, and I understand the way it is being described in terms of the triggers
, changes that are being recommended etc. That being said, to be honest I feel that the burden on the DA to go to therapy to seek help for this issue, acknowledge it and to work on it.
No matter what your attachment style, secure or anxious, there is no way a person can, nor should, accommodate someone who refuses to communicate, progress forward or deny their partner of their needs and rights in the relationship the same as they want and have theirs. What I feel like is this is all about,
Majorly, Tailoring yourself the the DA and their needs and forgetting yourself. If they will go to therapy and a knowledge the problem that is fine but if not the other person should not have to deal with all this.. it is insane.
My advice to DA, don’t get into a relationship, regardless of your connect needs, unless you have done the work and are truly ready to connect correctly. Be honest with yourself and the person you are interested in otherwise you are playing with their precious heart.
Stay single, and, I’m sorry, have a hit it and quit it session of all are adults and consensual if you are not ready
and have not done the work . Simple as that
Absolutely spot on 🙌🙌🙌
I will not hit it but I will definitely quit it…as everyone should 🤷♀️
Imagine passing on avoidant traits to your kids. Run run run…
This comment alone shows that you are not well educated on the subject. Attachment styles cannot be passed down
@The Banter Block get a life Mr protector of the RUclips comment world and an imagination. Your comment shows your as fun as a frozen wet towel.
Whatsaap him"**
@Someone Special not true... avoident parents will make avoident kids. How do you think kids become avoident? Their emotional needs are denied. The only way to get along with an avoident is to become avoident yourself.
@@someonespecial581 that is actually not true- your kids *can* ‘inherit’ a tendency towards a particular style of coping that, in combination with a DA parent’s disinterest, can result in that child’s latency becoming realised. It’s like inheriting a weakness that then manifests because of environmental or other stressors.
If DAs are afraid .. they shouldn’t be hurting peoples feelings …
I dont know if they even know they are hurting others’ feelings. And if they do, they dont want you to bring your feelings up.
Hi Alexis, Thank you for this video which was so hard to watch. As an anxiously attached person it has been so incredibly painful to long for my ex and to love him so much, only to discover that his fears outweigh his feelings for me. I have never worked so hard to be with someone. Thank you for helping me understand him but the anxious/avoidant pairing has been so damaging to me psychologically and emotionally. I almost wish that I had never met him, and at the same time he is the one person who I would go any lengths to be with. I feel so sad after listening to your advice and explanation. Letting go of an avoidant when you are anxiously attached person feels like death.
This is 110% what I’m going through as wel
4 1/2 years of revising our non relationship as he likes to call it. I only see him about 7 or 8 times a year but we live 20 minutes apart. It's seriously a no win situation.
@gloriacook1518 Yes I’m so sorry. It’s so hard
This!! You explained it so well! It really does feel like death 😣 Why are they doing this to us? 😔💔
I am avoidant and married and Aspie. We both have no need for super deep emotions and not clingy to each other . We understand and give each other space . It works !! We respect each other and great at communicating our needs .
@@prettybird7597 True!
This is the definition of flat mates not partners my dear 😊
@@muhamedadel2012 absolutely not . We are on the same level and very much attracted to each other with good Intimate life. Clingy does not do it for me and thankfully the same for my husband . We a both confided with each other , love and trust goes both ways .
@@muhamedadel2012whatever works, if it works for OP, then it works.
That just shows you're not an avoidant or at the very least, extremely low on the avoidant spectrum.
I said this before and I will again. Avoidants are updatable unless they go through therapy! I am sorry but even anxious style is better than this constant unknown whether they will wake up one morning and decide they want to go on a solo trip to Mexico.... work or group/friends trips are ok but the solo trips are just too much of cold shower for me...I do like my private time too but don't feel the need to enjoy things by myself.
Mine dropped me like a hot potato (via text) because I dared to say I wanted to be a priority and have my needs met. Regardless of the reason, these people are toxic.
Same!! I was devastated and my ex didn't care at all.
@@lorip4087 🤗🤗 Hugs!
I was in a long distamce relationship. In the end my ex could not b bothered to meet at said time. To much effort. All ways runming late
Update...found someone way better, nonavoidant. Like night and day. Don't give up, everyone!
Exactly they move on easily worse if their girls so promiscuous much more then men,evil ,selfish ,cruel people in my opinion.
You really need to be someone who don't have strong connection needs with a partner to be with an avoidant. It is not just about understanding what they want but also understand what one self wants. It is not worth to bend backward to be with them if you want to have rich and deep connection. Avoidants who don't heal cannot provide in-depth connection.
I've listened to a lot of videos and feel that the avoidant attachment style really suits my ex as a description better than anything else. But, the more I hear all this, the more I wonder...? Why would I bother with all this...? If the avoidant has all these troubles... shouldn't they sort it out themselves? So, if my ex contacts me, which she might... Is it really my responsibility to dance around her avoidant attachment style? I'm starting to feel that avoidants are bordering on narcissism when considering all the dancing around we have to do to be able to remain with them.
Yes it's true, in theory you will be better of with someone secure.
However sometimes love...
@@AlexisFriedlander Well, you know how they say love passes through the stomache... (for some it does)... but there is a wisdom in that saying, in the sense that you have to feed love with something for the fire to burn. If you keep through ice-buckets at it, you put it out. So, sometimes love just doesn't have the necessary material to survive. Anyway, I don't know. If she actually does contact me, which I doubt, I'll see if I want to reply to her then... also dependent on what she says. Thank you for your work.
@@Ninjaphil24Love is probably the most unnecessary thing in a relationship. Suitability and commonality in principles, morals, mind sets and sex are more important than love.
yeah match their pace and sabotage yourself. Sounds great!
Right. Either way you lose. Best to lose them save yourself. Catering to them or not is always u getting into a pathological way to satisfy them
There's a lot of anti-avoidant comments here.
I mean, I get it, but Alexis is also (or was) an avoidant. Just wanted to say that you're doing a great thing by trying to help people in this way. Thanks!
Yeah but why do they seem to prefer to date co dependant types and not other avoidant people.an avoidant is the perfect partner for an avoidant, not a secure or dependant person. 🤷🏽♂️
Opposites attract. It very common for DA and AP to be drawn together. I believe it's by design, to reflect each other, and learn to grow.. we all need to grow.
Two avoidents don't work because neither pursue each other. Can't light a fire without a spark. In order for a relationship to start there has to be one willing to get rejected.
I've dated an Avoidant for two months. I felt so disgusted of her and our interactions after our second date (two dates in two months), I just ghosted her afterwards.
Same for me ‘ one date. A month !
Imagine wanting a relationship with a person who is scared to death of relationships. Imagine a person who is so scared of relationships that they have led themselves to believe that their "space" and "freedom" and the perpetual loneliness they sabotage themselves with is more important to them than companionship. NEVER chase these trainwrecks, RUN from them.
Exhausting. You won’t feel wanted or tolerated.
4:00-"I need to fight for them (you feel)." I love how not only women want to do that acting-- like it's the 1950s without giving the men the same benefit-- but nowadays some now EX-friends (by my choice) will do this too. I l will NEVER EVER fight for the so-called privilege of being romantic nor friends with someone who only barely wants to be with me or is acting that way. At that point it's like the beginning of the end has been fast forwarded to the end of the end for myself towards them
Feeling same way but not wanting to accept the feelings as the friend means a lot to me. Didnt really notice her behaviors until this year much. Now even more understanding da. Exhausting. Though she would say Im exhausting with my anxious attachment, though working so hard on it and give her space.
I wish I could hit the Like button many times!!! ☺️ one of your many best videos ever and best explanation about dating an avoidant 😉
Any time June ;)
so agree
What is the point of even trying with these people? What do we get out of it?
challenge and a cat chasing the mouse (psychological mechanism: people want things they cannot have..?
Celibacy is the only true happiness. I don’t understand who started this human trafficking project called “dating”.
17 months in to this relationship we are better than we’ve ever been. I told him I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and he assures me it won’t.
What about now?
The anxious one, didn't get nurturing love from their mother, and they usually pick an avoidant or someone closed off. It's like a puppy having separation anxiety. The avoidant wants safe space but so does the anxious one. I'm not anxious right now. I'm empath, someone sends me the right love energy it feels so real, peaceful. Others throw out intense sex energy and it feels like being slimed.
Yes! This comment!!! I can so relate. I lean more towards anxious as well.
Alexis is great … especially when he always says in his videos ‘I don’t care about your ex!!’
Oh my god! I thought my last partener was a narcissist but I realise he is an avoidant now. My ex before that is an narcissist so i thought the behaviour was similar. Everything you said is him. This time the cycle of jumping through hoops will not continue. My confidence in my self and my voice is coming back allreadand its only been a week. I amaware he may try to pop up again as that's his style but I'm prepared to go no contact. It's just not worth messing with my allready fragile mental health.
Often a man avoids, it’s because something else is going on in his life, that he’s not telling you about OR for reasons he can’t commit , and gives you the hot/cold behaviour, because often if a man just wants to go he will (if you have no financial or children ties) , so if he’s avoiding it’s not always just psychological , I find talking to a lot of women , it’s usually other things going on in the background, it doesn’t make it okay, I feel sometimes you have to get to the point of not caring, which can be difficult, but once you get there, your not sat there on demand for him !
But I sure wouldn’t pursue a man who’s hot cold, you need to back off yourself , if a man wants you he’s not going to let you go!
Chase a man and the situation goes backwards, and you will feel more empowered when you back off yourself , let him come to you, turn the situation around.
That's what I've done, when he started ignoring text messages with questions about a ehole-day date he invitrd me to! I left explaining I don't tolerate disrespect and confusing behaviour and wished him well. But it doesn't change the fact, HIS relational patterns are the same.
Words of Wisdoms! Thank you so much! I needed to hear this. O:-)
Well many men in relationship do encourage single men to do hot cold. According to these people, women looovee hot cold games. I personally hate any form of dating games, I personally think dating should be effortless.
Self Awareness or BUST.
Whatsaap him"**
...addition to "the best approach": and kick their ass if they give you bs, blame everything on you, and take no action in order to become a more reliable person.
I was friends with mine for 10 years before we started dating. Being friends was one thing being with him was great at first but then i started questioning the hot and cold behaviors and judging me for everything out of the blue after 5 times of breaking up and him coming back i really started to dig deeper into what was going on and this is where it lead me.
Selfish, huge ego. If on the dismissive end they are pathological u cannot change them nor do they want to change. They think they r fine. Let them be on their own as they wish. Stop chasing people chase dreams instead!
So I'm a black and white person - no grey areas. I just broke up with a DA and I never heard of this until a family member mentioned to me that he really liked me but got scared. I knew he had a lot of problems after the death of his dad when he was young so somehow I stumbled over this DA information and it describes him to a T. His first wife after 10 yrs. of marriage and 4 kids cheated on him and his second wife that he was with for 10 yrs. and then married ended the marriage after one year. He was alone for 10 years and then met me. What's baffling to me is how he managed to stay in those prior relationships for so long.
I am 70% secure and 30% FA. I have a life, family, friends, etc.I am independent, too. The issue with my ex FA was not space, but intimacy and commitment. I gave him lots of space. He couldn't handle intimacy and commitment.
Oh that's how they do it shocking ,the cruelty lack of face time in person talk just text message gone ,she was narcistic I came to the conclusion but so sad the coldness lack of respect but life goes on and good people are out there avoid these pyschopaths.
Stop watching these videos and move on. Recognize dog do-doo and keep it moving!
Yeah wish I could stop watching these videos and trust and validate myself. Seems others who havent been there are taking the other persons side and seeing me crazy-probably same as she is. I wish she would watch a da or AP/da video but she doesnt seem interested. Why do they not want to change or be interested in their behaviors?
@@1286cassandra because they don't care. If they did they would change for the better. I'm 2 years removed from my person and she never got better.
Best channel on the topic. He lived it.
This push and pull behavior of an avoidant is not good for someone mental health.
Thank you for your bright explanations . It's exhausting situation, because they are really afraid and when he feels he loves me he just run away. ..How can you handle it ? I have no idea. I've tried for more than 10 years but it comes to the same point again and again
I’m so happy having my former partner back, after being separated for months. All thanks to dr Fred Morgan whom help me to get back my ex again ‘ I will suggest y’all to get help from him and it works within 7 days
+234
7044
297851
Same
I told my DA boyfriend I had to move, and to my delight he offered that I move in with him. But now that I've given my notice to my landlord, my DA isn't talking to me. It's so annoying and I'm worried about living with him.
My avoidant ex was very avoidant the last month of our short relationship. Strange behavior, (few kisses, no sex, pretended he was sick, tired, etc). He broke up with me and said: "I have feelings for you, I really like you, but I don't understand, I just feel it in my gut that we are not going to succeed long term". 45 days of no contact after that, we both stopped talking. I don't understand anything, we had a beautiful connection.
My story the same long distance relation ship. Over just like that.
He more than likely was a coward. Dismissive avoidance pretty much are. They have the majority level of a child in a man or women’s body. A true man or women will embrace conflicts in relationships and talk them out, not dump you the moment things get difficult.
@@robertrainford6754 oh yeah, coward is a very accurate adjective. Everything was SO weird with him, we had a 2 month relationship and he acted "normal" only for a couple of weeks. Suddenly he pulled away, for no reason. He wouldn't hold my hand or look at me in the eyes, he avoided me, that was so painful. I complained and he did nothing to fix it: "this who I am, this is my personality", "I'm not very passionate or emotional", "I'm very blocked in that department". That kind of things he told me but never fixed anything and always found a way to blame me. One day he showed up acting very cold and told me I was "too passive" in the relationship, like... He felt he had to do everything. Can you believe the level of gaslighting? So I did more. And when I asked for a hug I never got it. It is incredible painful. Now I feel that I had a relationship alone, like I was forcing him to stay with me for 2 months while he was uncomfortable all the time. He never introduced me as his girlfriend:( finally he dumped me because we had too many conversations, that was his reason. It's been 4 months of no contact, he dissapeared, and as much as it hurts it's not my job to contact him. A real coward who dumped a beautiful and caring woman who was 100% invested in the relationship. Nobody acts the way he did. Sorry for the long comment. Still hurts so much.
@@robertrainford6754This is not even conflict. According to OP, she or he just got dropped for no reason.
Always damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Best to self love and move along. Too draining and unhealthy for the healthy. Let them figure out. Force healing for themselves by not being a door mat . They are on the lookout always to dump and run. Wasted years adds up. Without professional help. Forget about it.
Hello
My first time here Looking forward to this one I was dealing with a man that had a very unhealthy way about not connecting He is nice but had this can't speak about love or mention it
it took me 6 months to stop fighting because she wouldnt stop hurting me and dismissing our entire 2 year relationship... she even tried to reduce it down to 4 months.. i got an email accusing me of all kinds of things that werent true, mechanisms fix on and be angry about to avoid feeling guilty about all the hurtful things she said and did. im finally backing off after that because I realized there is no talking to her when shes like this... i realized she was scared I guess and just needs me to back off but the things she said made me feel like she never cared at all..
Your videos have been so helpful for me to understand attachment styles. Thank you!
This blew my mind 😂 no wonder
And yes das are the best ❤❤ tough cookies tho but deep inside just as warm ❤❤
It’s definitely a lot of work I broke things off with mines . I told her she has to meet me halfway believe it or not we actually talked about a lot of things i was shocked and could tell that the therapy is helping . She was going twice A week and recently had A mental breakdown about her decision towards the relationship. She even checked into rehab I honestly don’t know if that’s good or bad .
My ex initiated all the strong feelings, plans for the future, getting into a relationship. She love bombed me from the start then pulled the rug. It wans't me overwhelming. I reciprocated because I fell for her, but she overwhelmed herself if anything. I always tried to respect her boundaries and checked in with her a few times about when she wanted me to leave when I was visiting and her answer was always "I never want you to leave", and everything was great so I had no reason to suspect there was anything wrong. If she was having issues I'm not sure why she wouldn't talk to me about it. She didn't even try to talk to me about anything and broke up with me by text the next day when I got home. which I accepted. Feels really awful to be in this spot.
So if they dumped you, and you tried to reconcile and talk things through but they were set on moving on. Wouldn’t indefinite new contact be the answer, and have them reach out to you if they ever change their mind?
You are lucky you are talking things out! Open communication is very difficult with my da friend.
One way or another they will hit you up randomly weeks and months down the line. Then comes the hot and coldness....
@@darongates5948 exactly! It is certainly frustrating. It baffles me how people can’t be consistent. I guess we all have our diff struggles in life.
If they drop you, don't pick them up. Just move on. You don't need difficult people to have a relationship with, life is already plenty difficult without people making it more difficult.
I have my own life. Given him so much space, time, patience. We only saw each other every 10 -14 days. He TOLD me I didnt pressure him at all. I respect boundaries. He still ended it after 8mos saying he felt this heaviness (fear) and said he checked out of the relationship. I know he has feelings for me.I know he wants his independence but I also know he has low self esteem&he craves love/connection. Why won't he try? I'm safe!
We stay in touch because involuntary we live in the same house with our 3 kids. Do you have any video for that situation?
So...i should just date à sécure attachement style person...got it!
Whatsaap him"**
Thank you...and really appreciate you doing this video in English. Wonderful
Being with an avoidant is like being with a mental patient
I’m an avoidant person. I have an avoidant attachment style. Once something feels like it’s over I walk away like it never happened. I hate it but it’s who I am
Good for you. We dont care….
@@fp2748The avoidants dont care either...
@@CitiesOfAshhaha what! “The avoidants” , like it is a title or something.
Typically, the avoidant is the one creating the end.
Mixed signals make every normal human anxious. Ok. I respect his boundaries, but what about my boundaries? It works only both ways.
I understand my limit in as much as my love is more than my fear of being with him. I can’t do this , what if he starts withdrawing again and I have to keep dealing with this and keep my needs smaller . Only gonna drive me to be more anxious
Never go back its over
Thank you so much for helping with your videos.
He reached out after 3 weeks... Texted me like nothing happened.
I answered nice, but like he does (impersonal, cold), he never said nothing about us, just random stuff. So at The end i told hit that maybe we never see each other again. And he said "oh".
And thats all, i start no contact again.
I don't think he reach out again... Right?
He reached out so he wanted contact
Hi coach, thank you for well put video, I have a question. My avoidant partner suddenly moved out 3 months ago without us having any problem what so ever, we talked few times and agreed to date but on the day which he planned never reached out and I didn’t reach out either and now it’s been two months of no contact. My question is can I reach him and ask him to meet up ? I have been working on myself constantly and hopping he did too! Appreciate your response ! Thank you
Man, what a great video and topic.
The insecure person always has to do all of the work and ends up losing in this situation.