I was a secure person. I dated an avoidant and she made me anxious preoccupied during the relationship. I gave her my love, care, space and understanding. But she ended up leaving me for another guy. Never again. Don't bother. Avoid them. You all deserve better.
Im still in relationship with an avoidant since last year, although were not married yet, but giving her space and time will heal, and most important thing is how to gain trust and it takes time. We broke up once and never go in avoidant-anxious trap anymore!. Develop and grow yourself and face this avoidant with grace and compassion! You will get her back.!
ONLY do this if they are aware of their avoidant tendencies and are working on them. Other than that respectfully keep your distance. I learned the hard way.
He'd pull back and I'd push forward (I know I was an anxiously attached person) and despite a great connection, the avoidant ended it with me. It took 3 months of no contact for him to come back to me. I'm no longer anxiously attached, I feel very secure now. That change in my energy is giving him the space to step forward. I now realize it's a very delicate balance, and a practice in unconditional love. Not for the faint of heart! But the more I understand, the easier it is to remain secure.
Anyone who tryna attract their avoidant ex again, please don't. Unless they really want to work on themselves, all the efforts will be pointless because you're going back to square one, it'll be an endless cycle of hell. I'd say, move on, don't even bother to accept them no matter how much empathy you have. Have some self respect and walk away, you'll find someone better who is willing to communicate with you and won't push you away. Avoidants are grown up adults, they should take accountability for their own actions. Everyone has trauma and is traumatized, but you don't see them traumatized other people like avoidant does.
I’ve had enough of coaches telling people they need to cater, adapt and adjust to avoidants. They don’t change unless they do the work and very few of them even think they need to change. Just let them be.
I urged my ex to get into therapy for a year and a half. In the end she dumped me just days before her first therapy session. I'm not crying about that, but it was very painful to go through.
Let the avoidant alone. They will destroy your self steam. Gaslighting you make you feel miserable. The only thing that changes avoidant is they feel miserable alone. So they do something about it.
Thank you for another great in depth video. As always your content is on point. However my advice for anyone attempting to attract an avoidant would be don't waste any more time with an avoidant. If you have an avoidant ex you are lucky they are your ex. There is nothing you can do to change them. You will likely never be satisfied in the relationship as avoidants cannot achieve connection on a deep and intimate level. If they coild they would not avoidant. This is why its called an insecure attachment style. The bonding process is corrupted and will never be stable over the long term. Now I am not judging them. Avoidants don't choose to be the way way they are but don't fall into the empathy trap of believing you understand them better than anyone, better than themselves even. This may well be true but it makes zero difference to the outcome. The outcome is an insecure attachment which will always manifest in an imbalance and break-up. Also don't believe anyone that claims DAs have happy meaningful and lasting relarionships. Maybe in their eyes its a perfect relationship but having no contact for 3 weeks being a really great sign of things going well? Being able to sit in silence is a good sign? Come off it, these people avoid the very substance of love, human connection. Leave them be to break another poor unsuspecting person's heart whilst they carry on their empty existence moving from soul to soul like a hamster on a wheel, repeating the same endless cycle of hurting people that actually care for them. Again and again and again.
Love your work. Fell hard for an avoidant. Total nightmare. We had an AMAZING connection. Sigh. Your videos at least help me understand its her and not me.
Hear you buddy. My first experience with one, she blocked me 6 days ago. At least I now know that I won’t hear from her again so that’s a plus knowing what I know now and there won’t be further pain.
i walked away and she hit up my bestfriend to hang out.. even tho she was pushing both of us away, there was another guy involved whole time i was giving space.. smh.. it is hurtful a girl i knew 4 years on and off @@AlexM-sg8fn
I thought I had found my absolute dream girl. Checked every box. Amazing beautiful intelligent astonishing woman. Exchanged Christmas, biggest hug ever, dropped off the face of the Earth. All I can do is not chase her further away. Clearly the holiday was a trigger. ❤️uD
Likewise. Best connection I've ever had. She talked about getting married one day at the venue we were at. Talked about all the things we were going to do together. Dumped one week later. Absolutely brutal experience.
Avoidant is also the normal attachment style of a lot of abusive personality types. I would not try to make it work with one at all. There is a high likelihood of infidelity and someone who cant have a conversation about things to make a relationship work are not ready for a relationship.
Creating a sense of longing in an avoidant is like setting a trap for an animal you want nothing to do with once you catch it. At that point you have to ask yourself just how desperate you actually are, and there's no answer you're going to come up with that doesn't humiliate you. Have some dignity and move on from these trainwrecks.
Goodness that's saying it like it is. I didn't know people like this existed, for real, I thought I was going crazy. You're right have some dignity, and I have been asking myself a lot how desperate am I.😢
@@gebronthomasson6960 That's the problem - the dismissive doesn't want to do the work. That's the whole point of avoiding them altogether. The last thing they want to do is work, commit, and stay. That's perilous, dependent entrapment to the dismissive avoidant.
I am anxious and my partner is avoidant and we are currently not in contact because of this. I wanted to learn more about his behavior and in doing so it has helped me become more secure and love myself. I’m actually grateful that this issue has lead to my healing. Hopefully my absence leads to his healing too.
Oooo what a surprise.. Its exactly what i am living foe a year. Her behavior helps me to understand my childhood trauma. Attachment style concept. And now my live has changed for good and better. She comes and goes and finally i don't even care. It s painful but my positive is the best. Avoidant life is too sad...
Maybe he has to realize what he is actually avoiding... Maybe its notavoiding you, maybe its just some thought or object in mind. if he changes the thought, for some "positive" thought maybe his subconscious mind (habit mind) will reprogram the old program and change "program" of mind because subconscious mind works as acomputersoftware program. Conscious mind is very positive and free, but works only 5 percent. Subconscious mind is habitual mind, and work s95 percent. Reprogramming subconscious mind can take few months. It depends on the belief person created in mind.
My ex has triggered so much in me I'm overwhelmed but still working hard to heal myself! Idk what he's doin, really don't care bc I am still hurt by him (besides the childhood trauma, self discovery ect.) And I just don't care.
Every time I listen to an avoidant video & read the comments I realize how incredibly miserable this person is & how he projected his disease & insecurities onto me. I entered secure & the last 3 months of an almost 3 year relationship, I was a shell of my gurner self. My reality is & was permanently altered. I still have so much anger towards this person at the slow insidious devaluation, comparisons, & critical judgmental observing by him. Honestly I just thought he was uptight but dang, he was serious. He was serious that he looked at me in every way but the attractive outgoing happy energetic person I was. These people are so negative but are secretive about it. I think it is self hatred. And sorry but MOST do not change. And I seriously had no idea about these types. Never had dated someone quite so well NOT At Peace. Read Avoidant- much more realistic. I’m over 50 so very unlikely this age group seeks help.
I literally just told my therapist this yday: I feel like a shell of myself. I don’t recognize myself after being involved with a severe avoidant for the past year. it’s a bit frightening to be so disconnected from yourself… almost like you’re gaslit by the DA. I agree they are negative people riddled with self hate/shame
I am sorry you went tough that. I had a avoidant person in my life and I became miserable. This is a lesson I will never came back. My lesson was see the signs and not insisting in the wrong person. Create boundaries and never go back. Self love before anyone else in this planet.
I’m also dealing with a DA attached person. I would never say this person makes me feel miserable. I do get deeply hurt and tired. But because of this dynamic I became secure attached. By secure attached it’s doesn’t say there is no fear at all. The game changer to secure yourself is that this is their fear and a lot of projection. I constantly say to this person “thank you for making me stronger” nowadays I just stand strong and goodluck with your projection. The hurt will stop one day for sure. Or this person is willing to start the journey of self or one day I will become super ready to just say goodbye to the same old story but a different face, and just open myself up to someone who knows how to learn to love me.
Anxious Avoidant/Fearful Avoidant could be Borderline/Covert Narcissism. The risk is too high. Both the anxious and the Avoidant has to work on themselves to bridge the gap. It takes both to do the heavy lifting, otherwise it will not work.
All i do is attract avoidants due to my open, confident and charismatic demeanour. They fall hard and as soon I reciprocate the fall, they run! Bizarre.
i don´t want a partner that is only there when I´m having a good time and runs away whenever I have a bad time. I want someone who can be there in good and bad times because he loves me. DAs don´t seem to be able to do that
I've watched these videos on attachment theory, and while I think some of it has scientific basis, I really feel most of it is just bullshit to excuse emotional immaturity and justify toxic behavior. The guy I was with was good for about 4 months. Then he started to withdraw suddenly. This triggered my anxiety, and yes, I did push to try to resolve. He claims he didn't see the issue. He probably didn't realize he was doing it. But he's an adult who has not had one solid long term relationship. According to him, this happens every time. Yet, he doesn't see himself as the common denominator. I'm not perfect. I was willing to give him what he needed but the cost would have been everything I needed. So while we never really officially called it off, I haven't reached out. I know I'll never hear from him again, except my shit in the mail. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink.
@@MichelleMartinez-dd7gk I mean he reached out but it's been nothing but negative. He broke up with me but he's mad about his decision so he wants to shit on me
Yes, attachment theory does explore immature behavior. Self test - record your self talking about your relationship and your own behavior in it, and your partner's behavior - listen to the recording. I have found it very interesting to listen to myself, my experiences, my justifications, etc.
I clearly understand the content and the video is very informative. What confuses me though is why the other partner has to do all the work to keep the relationship going with an avoidant? It seem like constant work and a battle to maintain a relationship. What is the avoidant doing for the relationship and the partner on the other side?
It’s about being the bigger mature person sometimes the avoidant person is still learning to develop their emotional maturity. Depending on how emotionally mature and patient the partner is, it will reflect how secure the avoidant person is becoming. This type of relationship takes patience and lots of compassion which a lot of people don’t have unfortunately because it does take a lot to understand & that’s why the avoidants remain distant or single because no one understands them the way they understand themselves, hope that makes sense.
I understand and yes I exercise a lot of patience. Its a constant struggle and battle. I am currently on my 3rd breakup in 7 ywars, so you can have an idea. This time nithing was said. I wqs ghosted for 3 weeks then all he said is he cannot be there for me the way Inwantnhim to be there and thqt was it. Still hoping he comes around and we can work it out better this time seeing I am now aware and educated about the attachment style. I put a lot of time effort and energy into this. The other thing I deal with is everytime he disappears he is involved with someone else as well😢
@@suzannehosein1959hey love :) that sounds soo tough what you’re going through! I have been through a really similar situation with my ex partner. We lasted for 5 and a half years and I was a shell of myself by the end of it. Just always remember, you can be compassionate, you can understand someone, but you DO NOT have to stay and put up with betrayal and ghosting. It is very important that you have boundaries in place. This life is so damn short and you deserve a loving relationship in which you can feel safe. Otherwise this cycle will continue and you will be so traumatised! It is very powerful to set boundaries with someone and tell them, ‘no, enough is enough, I deserve better, you don’t see my value.’ And guess what, that’s usually your only shot at them having to feel your loss and can be the only motivation they need to actually work on themselves. At the moment he gets away with everything. He knows you will probably take him back even when he explores other options. Quite frankly: fuck that! There are people out there that might have some avoidant tendencies but will respect you enough to not just disappear. I hope this inspires you to reach for the stars. You deserve security and choosing a partner who you can feel safe with can help you heal too! Lots of love and strength ❤
Solution is simple - become friends first. This builds trust and understanding, so fear does not have place to exist. It is also true many things are temporary and take time to process information for some. :-)
@@Lumeone Actually, my avoidant and I were friends first. We both trusted each other. The romantic connection was not planned. It just happened. He started the slow fade soon after expressing deep feelings for me. Funny thing about it, he still wanted to be friends after monkey branching to another. I was also his confidant. Nope. I just let him go without drama. I guess he could handle a relationship with a woman who was a victim of narcissistic abuse. Somehow a “normal “ relationship was too stressful. There is no simple solution with an avoidant.
No. Being friends first just delays the inevitable. When deep emotional intimacy is finally approached they will still run because at its heart it is not about their inability to trust another. It's about their inability to trust themselves. They will always run because they believe they are worthless. Until they resolve that they will always run eventually.
I test secure (probably a bit anxious). Never had this sort of relationship before. I am not being demanding, it's very secure and natural to want to spend time with someone else. This demonising of bonding with people has to stop.
Totally feel your pain . Same here first time meeting avoidand person, trying to understand his needs. But he made me anxious, never been anxious of insecure before! Crazy how avoidand people with their traumas can affect normal people. And theh make normal close relationships look like something out of reach! Hang on in there. You'll be fine
I'm an FA woman with a DA man. We are madly in love. Although we've both broken up with each other countless times (mostly me ending it, and I've also seen both of us becoming less anxious over time. The little anxiousness in both of us is calming down which means we are becoming secure). But because our love is so strong, we are both committed to each other and growing secure together. It's hard but definitely worth it. True Love is worth it. ❤️
@LuluLinArt yes that's what we do. He never fights or argues with me, and then I just calm down faster. And when we do spend time together it's always quality and we are always enjoying each other. It works.
@@lke4907interesting to hear your point of view. In your break ups, have you ever blocked him on social media etc before calming down? I suspect not but would be interested to know, thanks ☺️
@AlexM-sg8fn I don't have social media because I don't like it, and it stresses me out. But the first big break up (me ending it about a little over a year in to our relationship) I didn't talk to him at all and then after a month of us being broken up he reached out to me and we started talking again.. we didn't get back together because he was being cautious and protecting himself. We rarely saw each other during the six months that we were in this weird phase. During those six months I realized I wanted more, and he was messing/playing with me one day saying something that highly triggered me and because he would not get back together with me after me asking him repeatedly, I actually ended it and changed my phone number so he could not contact me. I was totally done, or so I thought/felt. After about 40ish days, I realized how deeply I loved him, but because I was so hurt by him, I just let my pain take over into anger. I had gotten a new job during this time and my new boss was looking for a cleaning company to clean our office spaces. I referred my ex to her because he is the owner of a cleaning company. Well, after 60 days, I felt at peace and let my love come back for him, and I decided to contact him from my new number and let him know that I referred him to my boss. I did this by text. And literally, the next minute, he called me. And we reconnected, and he immediately was like, "I love you," and then he said he realized what he had lost, and he was not going to let anything get in the way of our relationship again. We've been back together for 2.5 months now, and I do see a big change in him. And I've grown a lot too. So we are coming up on almost 2 years together. And I'm certain we are going to be married soon. I realize that I do not ever want to lose him again. We both are deeply in love.
I do want to say I think he is actually SECURE with DA tendencies. I'm FA with secure tendencies. In fact, I could say I'm almost secure with FA tendencies now. He is a workaholic, and neglected me at times - enough to repel me from him, so that was mainly why I broke up with him.
I am 70% secure and 30% FA myself. Not all partners are anxious. I am independent, have my family, friends, activities, and like my space, too ( though not as much as he did). I guess that's why we lasted four years. That said, it was still to exhausting. Only secure persons next time....
@bulldog1080p That is true. A secure partner is not the answer. The relationship made me anxious. I like my space, too. I was happy with getting together once a week. That’s probably not enough for most folks. He liked once in awhile more. SMH. I acted like I would in a “normal “ relationship. Doesn’t work with an avoidant. Working on their problem is the ONLY solution.
It’s funny how avoidants are only avoidant with their partner. They don’t have a problem talking to their friends everyday. Bullshit. I’m not playing the hot and cold game. I want someone who doesn’t feel threatened by closeness.
themodernmonk, Being in a relationship is much more intimate than having friendships. More triggers due to an expectation of more vulnerability, so your comparison is apples to oranges. I get the frustration with the hot & cold. It’s maddening. Maybe suggest couples counseling, see how serious they are about you and your needs for the relationship.
THANYOU for your channel it is so beneficial🙏....My question is....No matter who the partner/person or attachment style....If the DA is aware/concious of their behaviours/wounds/traumas/triggers etc....which cause themselves & others great pain....Why do they NOT want to take accountability & seek help to better themselves & their relationships?? Why Reject/Denial/dismiss/Run?? I am an AP who has recently been ghosted after approx 3 years on/off (due to a personal situation of his own) i tried to support him as always & have done my absolute best to understand/support in the past when he has painfully pulled away, yet seems fine with others during these difficut times (Superficial & denying of reality) I dont deserve/understand this or ghosting!!?? I am aware of my own trauma/Triggers/insecurities & have no doubt that this definately attributed many times & take 100% accountability & have been seeking help for some time because I am so sick of the same shit! I want to heal/change & take responsibility. ...It is not his responsibility to heal me as his is not mine, it is our own journey.....but also a journey that can be taken together.....He is aware of this also.... No blame but is excruciatingly difficult & painful when He/DA wont/cant/refuses to see their own imput in this dynamic....& I'm left feeling guilt....what could I have done differently if i had known? Maybe a lot in hindsight ....but would that have made any difference? At least have the courage/Decency/Dignity to tell the other person especially after having asked him/them several times after cold/short communication ...."Do u want no contact or space"? & the long winded answer/text is...."I Just want peace" This is NOT a direct answer to a direct question....especially if they want out!! Easy Done!! Always considering him (My choice).....only reciprocated when chosen, hot/cold...no reasoning or answers then snapped at when simply trying to understand the change in dynamics (this is normal for anyone regardless of the APs (hypervigilance or insecurities) Yes a lot will say....well why didnt i/u leave? Because DAs are human, beautiful, kind, fun, loving, giving, smart people also.... u see the good in them (a lot) & when/if they come back...(depending on the person) u want to trust/believe/give the benefit of the doubt/hope that they have realised/seen their own input/behaviours/wounds & because of their amazing positive traits, u believe & try again....This is not just in a DA/AP dynamic either! We are all different & have choices....As for my original question...."Why does the DA NOT want to seek help/heal over losing loved ones/relationships of any etc...I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!??" U chose to heal...? I also FIRMLY believe that there is NOT enough or NO self-help/information on social media specifically for the DA at all to seek/help them if needed in privacy (as they despise vulnerability) compared to the other attatchment styles, they seem to portray who & why the DA is the way they are but where are the strategies/help/answers for them?? Just awful comments about them online! 😔 Each to their own opinions obviously... PLEASE DAs ....u deserve love & happiness just like everbody, u feel it & are more that capable & have amazing hearts/qualities.....we all have our shit within.....yet it is our choice/responsibility to be aware & heal....& is completely possible with a loved one also......If not.... be free & keep running, but please be aware of who is left behind broken & grieving with absolutely no idea of why a lot of the time, when all we wanted & tried to do was love, care & accept u for who u are!! To my DA...Thankyou for our fun; adventures, support & beautiful, amazing time shared together when had....Im sorry that i couldnt help you in the way that u needed/wanted or that i was too much at times, but i have needs/wants also, I sincerely tried & i know that u did also.....Many lessons learnt 🙏 And never stop.... Communication, Honesty, Trust, Compromising, & Consideration are key in ANY Relationship/Friendship! I sincerely wish you & everybody all the happiness. healing & love in the world ... ❤🙏
Alexis, I will be the first person to buy your book! Thank you for sharing your knowledge from your personal experience. As you know, it is very disconcerting to deal with that kind of attachment.
Sounds a lot of hard work. He is dismissive I’m anxious preoccupied. As a anxious I’m not wanting to babysit him and give personal therapy when I’m already suffering from the breakup myself
Please tell me Alexis, why does the avoidant start off a relationship with grand gestures or expressions of love if they themselves do not want them in return? This created an attachment in me with anxious attachment style, and it was like green light that after two years building this emotional bond this man would not run away from me if I did try to plan a life with him, after he told me he wanted to marry me, have babies, and loved me so much. It was very confusing for me after he was the one to first open up and then it made me open my heart, and then he just started to pull back. Then I pulled back, then he came back and now I am in No Contact phase without blocking him this time, to see if he takes real concrete actions towards me. Help. Because I feel like everything was in my head. Was his love real? Can Avoidants create big romantic gestures and expressions in the beginning only to pull back later? It’s like he scared himself haha. I didn’t ask for him to say he loved me. I know Avoidants often get accused of being players, but he talked to me about his own issues too (outside of sexual desire we have) so I didn’t feel played. But I do realize he is avoidant and running away from these feelings he expressed to me often.
I was a very anxious attachment type . I realised the problems it was causing me after many years. I went on medication for anxiety . Ssris and therapy and I have never felt better.
No they don’t avoid that. They avoid to ever loose someone they love. Fear of commitment doesn’t exist. It’s real good covert fear of loosing. They want you to stand strong always. Don’t become stronger for them, but for you. That will build a secure self
@nnthot fear of losing someone else = fear of abandonment that is AP Fear of losing oneself = fear of engulfment that is DA Fearful avoidants have both those fears, sometimes simultaneously if they are with someone who is secure. More generally, very generally, if they date AP they may lean DA. If they date DA they may lean AP but often swing back and forth between both within any relationship
I’ve heard of them finally removing their armor when their partner/ex is secure, patient, yet still pursues them. Their deep fear is the same as that of an anxious: being abandoned.
Hi Alexis, i am a Man with anxious attachment, who feels very strong for a Woman with an an avoidant attachment. I watched a lot of your Videos ( many of them three times) very carefully. You helped me understanding my personality and this Woman very much. Thank you so much. You are a very kind and sympathic man. So again thank you very much!!!
Intriguing tips, please keep up the good work. Questions please: How does one create a safe haven for an avoidant, seeing that they don't trust themselves?
I’ve been dating an Avoidant for two years now, and he tells me he loves me (in phone calls, rarely in person). I left him twice, but each time he asked “to talk,” and when we did we got back together. I think he needed to know that I wasn’t dependent on the relationship and could do quite well on my own.
I am definitely a type of avoidant. If someone shows me too much love, I am definitely run away. Develop a relationship from a friendship is all an avoidant individual want, I guess
Hi Alexis, this video was brilliant. Great content and really helpful. Your points in this video really helped me regulate when I was feeling dysregulated and anxious. Am so grateful for people like you sharing such valuable insights. Thank you for everything you do!
Hello. I have just broken up with a beautiful woman inside and out who happens to be a dismissive avoidant. I am a physician and surgeon and have learned over the past many months about her attachment style. She is not aware as is often the case. You asked how we can tell the partner that she is an avoidant without telling her. The only way is to be patient, loving, and also to affirm their need for independence and privacy and to lovingly support and be patient about their fears of commitment and intimacy without being judgmental. For example, I would never mention about the neglect she may have had as a child with her mother. I would try to discuss what is happening now or with the backdrop of her past relationships that were not very good at all. It is hard for me not to diagnose and treat, as I am a doctor. I hope she gives me a chance to be supportive of her in that way, someday. Thank you Alexis. You are the best and most sincere communicator of this very real and often neglected part of human relationships, which at the core is everything! 😊
Run! Especially if they are fearful-avoidant. Like all the others said, if they aren't aware of their tendencies, they will guilt-shame you, blame you for minor mistakes that could have been solved in 20minutes. They'll take your self-esteem. If you're secure, you will get anxious, if you're anxious your invited on a very dark rollercoaster of yourself, while nothing that they do really have anything to do with you.
My husband is a DA who suddenly walked out after two years of marriage. He has twisted everything in his mind to make me the villain when I could not have done more for him. I’m extremely hard on myself, but I continuously hear that there was nothing else I could’ve done. He refuses to take any accountability for anything. I feel like he wasted 2 1/2 years of my life. This is his third failed marriage.
I know this won’t bring him back. But focus on you! I find it very brave of you to get yourself out there, date and marry! Instead of seeing as failed marriages, try to evaluate where you can work on yourself (maybe placing your love in the hand of people that doesn’t deserve you). Do the work in terms of figuring out your wants needs, setting boundaries, your strengths as a partner, your blindspots and traumas (that are triggered and show up unconsciously 95% percent of the time and affects our behaviour). Reach out to friend and family, they are great of reminding who we are!!! ❤
dlynne, he could have been a covert narc if he’s run through 3 marriages / churn and burn. People with personality disorders always see others as the problem, may not be aware that they’re the problem in the relationship nor take responsibility for their actions and have accountability for the trauma they cause. I hope that there is no more disruption from him in your life and that you take time to “de-frag”, center yourself and heal from this experience. It takes two to tango, I am wishing you learning and self awareness and discernment towards others before dipping your toes back in the dating pool again. Hoping for your peace and happiness.
Narcissist lasted 4 years and it was fun despite them being who they are coz they sell you a dream…selfish thou …DA was empathetic like me but less fun and showing love
You are describing my dynamics with my beloved avoidant exactly. He’s always right everyone’s wrong. He does not want to invest much emotionally, he avoids being vulnerable. He never admits his feelings. We have a difficult situation (there’s a third party and he avoids taking steps). Now he physically rejects me, pushed me away, says it’s the end. I am crushed. I am trying to push for contact-anxiously. I’m afraid to stop this pushing, that he will read it as I finally let go and he was right and he is finally in peace (even though I know he loves me). What can I do? Cut contact and waiting for him to reach out is deadly scary. I am so afraid to lose the bond especially now.
I dated a de for 3 years here and after our last visit 2 months ago she just blocked me, on her phone but she still calls me here and there even though I can't call her back. I still don't understand why she was even reach out? And if I try to discuss with her that she's an Admissive style. She cannot see it and doesn't believe me she thinks it's foolish. What to do??? Amyone?
I've been more than patient, but honestly, I am beyond over it! It's my time to go after someone who is not only ready, but able, to reciprocate and communicate equally. Let's be honest, the odds of them ever seeing the light; is slim to none & I'm not a gambler. Life's too short and the way they are yo-yo in relationships; is selfish and not fair to the other person. They need to get with another avoidant and ignore each other. JS
Oh Alix you are too kind lol DA are so sweet when not triggered and deactivating. I think we can equally be a pain in the butt for different reasons when we are not healed and relating from a place of woundedness, especial and anxious person can also be a huge pain because always having to deal with someone needing so much and anxious can be annoying, I was FA both can br avoidant and anxious when I was not healed now looking back was probably the biggest pain in the butt, and yes DA can also be a pain in the butt for all the reasons you mentioned. I think its important to have self awareness and a healthy attitude and forgiveness for our own and others people's shortcomings and not keep making excuse for others or ourselves. Ownership is key.
that's beautifully said. I think it's all come down to what you willing to tolerant knowing you will keep yourself full and happy. If you love the person just for who they are, sơmewhere sơmewhat you will find that you willing to give them time. and forgiveness. You were once not healed, so are they. If everybody is healed then nobody needs to do the work to treasure the relationship. You healed yourself as well while loving somebody, let them have time to heal with you. Nobody will healed for you to meet if they were not learning in the past, because somebody help them healed too.
I am thoroughly anxious although I am sure I was secure. My ex gf seems avoidant she comes in and out of my life even after she ended it 9 months ago. I don’t think she has moved on but she will contact me every few days with nothing important to say I’ve tried ignoring her but she finds a way to get through. And then she disappears for up to a week this is an ongoing bavk and forth battle aside from just blocking her and moving on how can I get her to stay?
My advice to you is move on completely. You can’t make someone stay that’s not your job. We want to be with someone who finds joy in stay with us. The right person for you will stay with a big smile in their face.
I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious
I’m so upset and depressed seeing all the comments I so much want to work it out but know what I have been through and her and that it looks like a fairy tale dream atm 😢it can’t work out unless she want to work on her self and I don’t think that is ever going to happen she is a beautiful good women and I messed up heaps in the years but this has always been there . The way she avoids all accountability and just doesn’t want to talk things out😢
If they are avoidant they don’t want ya there is no such thing in my eyes 👀 or they will always be chasing someone that doesn’t want them because they don’t feel like enough
I think I am avoidant...you are Canadian or French?I hear the accent :P. Though it's just from the place of being language freak ( anyway French is on very low level)
Timing slide. I have done all 3 mistakes. That was 7 months ago. No contact after that but I m still stuck. Any chance there is still something I can do you reckon? Thanks for great content. It helps feeling better
NO CONTACT IS FOR YOURSELF to Control and Heal, its not the way to influence your ex. Remember this! If you can control yourself you will have a different AURA and ENERGY, u will be more secure! And Secure person WILL ATTRACT others!!
I think you mean BELONGING. Avoidants (me, for one) avoid intimacy because they are afraid of it, but at the same time want it, and want to feel a sense of BELONGING.
What's the point? They don't think they did anything hurtful or wrong ghosting or discarding. My ex even said he thought that was the best way to go about it..
You said it's okay to go for 2 days without contact, but then later in the video you say "don't ignore them." Would not talking to them for 2 days be considered ignoring them?
It is very struggle to balance, much more of giving and effort at our side. they seems not 'care' which give us a hard way to 'evaluate' their loving side :(
She broke up with me 12 weeks ago after a 12 month relationship. I was needy and clingy and a bit jealous in the last 4 months of the relationship. I kept in contact every 10 days or so for the first 8 weeks but realised it was getting me no where. I’m now in no contact a month. Did I leave it too late to do no contact ?
It’s never too late my friend. Remember, no contact is for you to master yourself and overcome those insecurities that lead to the breakup. If she’s an avoidant she will have to do some work too but I assure you it’ll take much more than 12 weeks. Meanwhile you’ll regain that confidence that made her fell for you. And, when she comes back, it will be up to you to decide if you want to face this challenge of being with a damaged person or move on to a more secure one.
So, do avoidants not know what they feel or do they know what they feel and suppress it out of fear/survival mode ? And so, can they be healed for good (via psychotherapy treatment) and connect in a healthy way with a loving a partner or will they always have issues on the matter?
They feel but directly suppress it. They have so many ways to do so. I believe ones they find someone they find so attractive in and out, they will start to face BUT slowly. Relationships therapy will then work best. People don’t realize how much love can heal, if you allow it and put effort in it. Some avoidant attached people are thinking that love comes naturally or is not that important.
@LEE...337 So if you have self-awareness, why don't you change it ? It is a matter of decision and discipline on repetition on expressing your true feelings and let people who really are into you stay in your life. How do you mean connectivity? Love is the utter form of connectivity. Romantic love is deep sharing and making love to the person you love. Who doesn't want to make love to the person who loves. I am sure avoidants fall in love and need romantic love in their life.
My husband Avoident, and we have been separated,2 years but remain close, talk daily , co-parenting ,finances are still intertwined, he makes tge money I take care od the kids. almost as if we are still married,but he has been staying a vacation hone for the past year. We have been together 25 yrs, i want to fix my family, so I do not want a divorce , he says it's over.. but does not think a divorce will change anything? So he doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to come home. Any insight
If you’re truly in love with someone then the love doesn’t fade, you want to spend time together, being around them is always the best part of your day, you are considerate of each other’s feelings. Most people don’t know the difference between attachment and love
"Avoid the avoidant " at all costs! These people are actually engaging in "anti-love". If you are secure they will call you anxious, which is gaslighting. I believe that the avoidant is a covert narcissistic type of person . They feed on denying your needs. They gaslight their partners with their excuses. The host shifts his statements such that the partners of the avoidant are unreasonably focused on getting their needs met. Avoidants are sophisticated narcissists.
@@darrellborland119 ikr! I try to avoid him but we run in the same circles and even when I tell him we need space, he will do little things. He reached out to my mom inviting her to his party, he was posting videos of me dancing to his music on his IG story for several days in a row (he’s a very popular dj with a large following). He posts a lot of women as a way to market his events, but never the same lady 5 days in a row. His music that he releases are oddly coincidental and he has been posting things about being alone and dating that are also oddly coincidental. Especially because he didn’t start doing all that until 1 1/2 weeks or 2 weeks into no-contact🤦🏽♀️ I responded to a story that his brother made but my ex just read it and didn’t say anything, but there was nothing to say. I was mentioning some deep stuff about dating so obviously he won’t answer. But now it just sucks because I try to get over him but it’s been maybe more than a month actually and I can’t get him out of my head. Even while dating, my dates haven’t been going well enough for a second date and it just reminds me of how hard it is to connect with someone like we did. Especially because both of us are in entertainment it’s really difficult having someone who can understand that lifestyle. I’m a young model in LA so I get stigmatized here A LOT, but he treated me very well and didn’t act like an idiot while all the other dudes are hung up on my job title and appearance. They want to say they date(d)/slept with a supermodel. I’m not from LA or the West Coast and this culture of dating is really hard for me and causes a lot of loneliness. My success as a model is great for my career but not great for my dating life🤦🏽♀️ but his best friend. I was standing outside the dj booth because I wanted to keep our distance but he came out of his booth to grab my arm and introduce me to his friend. We weren’t on talking terms at that point and I was questioning his feelings for me and then he did that. I don’t tolerate his BS, I leave, but he just keeps doing these little things and it’s not fair because I can’t do anything about it except try to keep my distance.
I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious
I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious
I was a secure person. I dated an avoidant and she made me anxious preoccupied during the relationship. I gave her my love, care, space and understanding. But she ended up leaving me for another guy. Never again. Don't bother. Avoid them. You all deserve better.
Same thing happened to me brother, 6 months out from seeing her w this new guy. It gets better
is her new relationship still going?
Im still in relationship with an avoidant since last year, although were not married yet, but giving her space and time will heal, and most important thing is how to gain trust and it takes time. We broke up once and never go in avoidant-anxious trap anymore!. Develop and grow yourself and face this avoidant with grace and compassion! You will get her back.!
Facts same exact thing happened to me twice I hate it here never again tho
It’s funny how avoidant‘s should be avoided 😂
Avoid avoidants, unless you like having zero reflection of love
That’s my mantra! Avoid avoidants 😂
ONLY do this if they are aware of
their avoidant tendencies and are working on them. Other than that respectfully keep your distance. I learned the hard way.
Totally agree. Mine does realize she's avoidant but I am not assuming she will change. She knows where to find me.
He'd pull back and I'd push forward (I know I was an anxiously attached person) and despite a great connection, the avoidant ended it with me. It took 3 months of no contact for him to come back to me. I'm no longer anxiously attached, I feel very secure now. That change in my energy is giving him the space to step forward. I now realize it's a very delicate balance, and a practice in unconditional love. Not for the faint of heart! But the more I understand, the easier it is to remain secure.
How often are you in contact?
@@hotpink3459 a couple times a week
Anyone who tryna attract their avoidant ex again, please don't. Unless they really want to work on themselves, all the efforts will be pointless because you're going back to square one, it'll be an endless cycle of hell. I'd say, move on, don't even bother to accept them no matter how much empathy you have. Have some self respect and walk away, you'll find someone better who is willing to communicate with you and won't push you away. Avoidants are grown up adults, they should take accountability for their own actions. Everyone has trauma and is traumatized, but you don't see them traumatized other people like avoidant does.
THIS ON SO MANY LEVELS‼️‼️✅️
if you learn to communicate your needs while communicating that you understand thiers it can work.
Well said. Totally agree.
Why should people walk on eggshells just because they can't handle normal human connection.
I’ve had enough of coaches telling people they need to cater, adapt and adjust to avoidants. They don’t change unless they do the work and very few of them even think they need to change. Just let them be.
I urged my ex to get into therapy for a year and a half. In the end she dumped me just days before her first therapy session. I'm not crying about that, but it was very painful to go through.
@@stephenmorton953I spent 12 years and we had four kids together. I finally gave up.
exactly, all these coaches trying to make some content and make a buck. Unhealthy as hell.
How did you process the feeling of injustice in this? Going through something very similar atm and the feeling of unfairness is really hard to handle.
Let the avoidant alone. They will destroy your self steam. Gaslighting you make you feel miserable. The only thing that changes avoidant is they feel miserable alone. So they do something about it.
oh really, the I had experince with anxious that was destructive..
Thank you for another great in depth video. As always your content is on point.
However my advice for anyone attempting to attract an avoidant would be don't waste any more time with an avoidant. If you have an avoidant ex you are lucky they are your ex. There is nothing you can do to change them. You will likely never be satisfied in the relationship as avoidants cannot achieve connection on a deep and intimate level. If they coild they would not avoidant. This is why its called an insecure attachment style. The bonding process is corrupted and will never be stable over the long term. Now I am not judging them. Avoidants don't choose to be the way way they are but don't fall into the empathy trap of believing you understand them better than anyone, better than themselves even. This may well be true but it makes zero difference to the outcome. The outcome is an insecure attachment which will always manifest in an imbalance and break-up. Also don't believe anyone that claims DAs have happy meaningful and lasting relarionships. Maybe in their eyes its a perfect relationship but having no contact for 3 weeks being a really great sign of things going well? Being able to sit in silence is a good sign? Come off it, these people avoid the very substance of love, human connection. Leave them be to break another poor unsuspecting person's heart whilst they carry on their empty existence moving from soul to soul like a hamster on a wheel, repeating the same endless cycle of hurting people that actually care for them. Again and again and again.
As someone who dated avoidant I couldn’t agree more.
Yes I agree 10000%. They never are wrong and will never change.
I spent 16 years with one. He's just thrown me out of his house at 62....still don't know why. I'm heartbroken but everyone says he's done me a favour
Good video for their behavior. But is it worth being with an avoidant if you have to constantly evaluate their behavior and perform "therapy" daily?
Love your work. Fell hard for an avoidant. Total nightmare. We had an AMAZING connection. Sigh. Your videos at least help me understand its her and not me.
Hear you buddy. My first experience with one, she blocked me 6 days ago. At least I now know that I won’t hear from her again so that’s a plus knowing what I know now and there won’t be further pain.
i walked away and she hit up my bestfriend to hang out.. even tho she was pushing both of us away, there was another guy involved whole time i was giving space.. smh.. it is hurtful a girl i knew 4 years on and off @@AlexM-sg8fn
I thought I had found my absolute dream girl. Checked every box. Amazing beautiful intelligent astonishing woman. Exchanged Christmas, biggest hug ever, dropped off the face of the Earth. All I can do is not chase her further away. Clearly the holiday was a trigger. ❤️uD
Likewise. Best connection I've ever had. She talked about getting married one day at the venue we were at. Talked about all the things we were going to do together. Dumped one week later. Absolutely brutal experience.
Avoidant is also the normal attachment style of a lot of abusive personality types. I would not try to make it work with one at all. There is a high likelihood of infidelity and someone who cant have a conversation about things to make a relationship work are not ready for a relationship.
Creating a sense of longing in an avoidant is like setting a trap for an animal you want nothing to do with once you catch it. At that point you have to ask yourself just how desperate you actually are, and there's no answer you're going to come up with that doesn't humiliate you. Have some dignity and move on from these trainwrecks.
Agree 💯! After one avoiding in your life you never want to date another one. If I feel someone is avoidant I run in another direction 😂😂😂
The only “solution”account people CAN change..is that both re-enter into the relationship and both are willing but more so WANTING to do the work..
Amen to that!!
Goodness that's saying it like it is. I didn't know people like this existed, for real, I thought I was going crazy. You're right have some dignity, and I have been asking myself a lot how desperate am I.😢
@@gebronthomasson6960 That's the problem - the dismissive doesn't want to do the work. That's the whole point of avoiding them altogether. The last thing they want to do is work, commit, and stay. That's perilous, dependent entrapment to the dismissive avoidant.
Yes why do I have to deal with an avoidant? They should be avoided!
I am anxious and my partner is avoidant and we are currently not in contact because of this. I wanted to learn more about his behavior and in doing so it has helped me become more secure and love myself. I’m actually grateful that this issue has lead to my healing. Hopefully my absence leads to his healing too.
Oooo what a surprise.. Its exactly what i am living foe a year. Her behavior helps me to understand my childhood trauma. Attachment style concept. And now my live has changed for good and better. She comes and goes and finally i don't even care. It s painful but my positive is the best. Avoidant life is too sad...
Maybe he has to realize what he is actually avoiding... Maybe its notavoiding you, maybe its just some thought or object in mind.
if he changes the thought, for some "positive" thought maybe his subconscious mind (habit mind) will reprogram the old program and change "program" of mind
because subconscious mind works as acomputersoftware program.
Conscious mind is very positive and free, but works only 5 percent.
Subconscious mind is habitual mind, and work s95 percent. Reprogramming subconscious mind can take few months. It depends on the belief person created in mind.
My ex has triggered so much in me I'm overwhelmed but still working hard to heal myself! Idk what he's doin, really don't care bc I am still hurt by him (besides the childhood trauma, self discovery ect.) And I just don't care.
Dealing with these people is too much work; it's a waste of time. Invest your time where you get back as much as you put in!
Every time I listen to an avoidant video & read the comments I realize how incredibly miserable this person is & how he projected his disease & insecurities onto me. I entered secure & the last 3 months of an almost 3 year relationship, I was a shell of my gurner self. My reality is & was permanently altered. I still have so much anger towards this person at the slow insidious devaluation, comparisons, & critical judgmental observing by him. Honestly I just thought he was uptight but dang, he was serious. He was serious that he looked at me in every way but the attractive outgoing happy energetic person I was. These people are so negative but are secretive about it. I think it is self hatred. And sorry but MOST do not change. And I seriously had no idea about these types. Never had dated someone quite so well NOT At Peace. Read Avoidant- much more realistic. I’m over 50 so very unlikely this age group seeks help.
Sounds more like a covert narcissist, all narcs are avoidant, but not all avoidants are narcs.
I literally just told my therapist this yday: I feel like a shell of myself. I don’t recognize myself after being involved with a severe avoidant for the past year. it’s a bit frightening to be so disconnected from yourself… almost like you’re gaslit by the DA. I agree they are negative people riddled with self hate/shame
I am sorry you went tough that. I had a avoidant person in my life and I became miserable. This is a lesson I will never came back. My lesson was see the signs and not insisting in the wrong person. Create boundaries and never go back. Self love before anyone else in this planet.
I’m also dealing with a DA attached person. I would never say this person makes me feel miserable. I do get deeply hurt and tired. But because of this dynamic I became secure attached. By secure attached it’s doesn’t say there is no fear at all. The game changer to secure yourself is that this is their fear and a lot of projection. I constantly say to this person “thank you for making me stronger” nowadays I just stand strong and goodluck with your projection. The hurt will stop one day for sure. Or this person is willing to start the journey of self or one day I will become super ready to just say goodbye to the same old story but a different face, and just open myself up to someone who knows how to learn to love me.
Anxious Avoidant/Fearful Avoidant could be Borderline/Covert Narcissism. The risk is too high. Both the anxious and the Avoidant has to work on themselves to bridge the gap. It takes both to do the heavy lifting, otherwise it will not work.
All i do is attract avoidants due to my open, confident and charismatic demeanour. They fall hard and as soon I reciprocate the fall, they run! Bizarre.
i don´t want a partner that is only there when I´m having a good time and runs away whenever I have a bad time. I want someone who can be there in good and bad times because he loves me. DAs don´t seem to be able to do that
They can but having difficulties to do that.
I've watched these videos on attachment theory, and while I think some of it has scientific basis, I really feel most of it is just bullshit to excuse emotional immaturity and justify toxic behavior. The guy I was with was good for about 4 months. Then he started to withdraw suddenly. This triggered my anxiety, and yes, I did push to try to resolve. He claims he didn't see the issue. He probably didn't realize he was doing it. But he's an adult who has not had one solid long term relationship. According to him, this happens every time. Yet, he doesn't see himself as the common denominator. I'm not perfect. I was willing to give him what he needed but the cost would have been everything I needed. So while we never really officially called it off, I haven't reached out. I know I'll never hear from him again, except my shit in the mail. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink.
Any update? I am going thru this too. It's so wrong!!! 2:52
@@MichelleMartinez-dd7gk I mean he reached out but it's been nothing but negative. He broke up with me but he's mad about his decision so he wants to shit on me
Yes, attachment theory does explore immature behavior. Self test - record your self talking about your relationship and your own behavior in it, and your partner's behavior - listen to the recording. I have found it very interesting to listen to myself, my experiences, my justifications, etc.
I clearly understand the content and the video is very informative. What confuses me though is why the other
partner has to do all the work to keep the relationship going with an avoidant? It seem like constant work and a battle to maintain a relationship. What is the avoidant doing for the relationship and the partner on the other side?
Exactly! Would like to know the answer to this. Why do they get handled so delicately?
It’s about being the bigger mature person sometimes the avoidant person is still learning to develop their emotional maturity. Depending on how emotionally mature and patient the partner is, it will reflect how secure the avoidant person is becoming. This type of relationship takes patience and lots of compassion which a lot of people don’t have unfortunately because it does take a lot to understand & that’s why the avoidants remain distant or single because no one understands them the way they understand themselves, hope that makes sense.
I understand and yes I exercise a lot of patience. Its a constant struggle and battle. I am currently on my 3rd breakup in 7 ywars, so you can have an idea. This time nithing was said. I wqs ghosted for 3 weeks then all he said is he cannot be there for me the way Inwantnhim to be there and thqt was it. Still hoping he comes around and we can work it out better this time seeing I am now aware and educated about the attachment style. I put a lot of time effort and energy into this. The other thing I deal with is everytime he disappears he is involved with someone else as well😢
Exactly. Just let them be on their own.
@@suzannehosein1959hey love :) that sounds soo tough what you’re going through! I have been through a really similar situation with my ex partner. We lasted for 5 and a half years and I was a shell of myself by the end of it.
Just always remember, you can be compassionate, you can understand someone, but you DO NOT have to stay and put up with betrayal and ghosting. It is very important that you have boundaries in place. This life is so damn short and you deserve a loving relationship in which you can feel safe. Otherwise this cycle will continue and you will be so traumatised! It is very powerful to set boundaries with someone and tell them, ‘no, enough is enough, I deserve better, you don’t see my value.’ And guess what, that’s usually your only shot at them having to feel your loss and can be the only motivation they need to actually work on themselves. At the moment he gets away with everything. He knows you will probably take him back even when he explores other options. Quite frankly: fuck that! There are people out there that might have some avoidant tendencies but will respect you enough to not just disappear. I hope this inspires you to reach for the stars. You deserve security and choosing a partner who you can feel safe with can help you heal too! Lots of love and strength ❤
Solution is simple - become friends first. This builds trust and understanding, so fear does not have place to exist. It is also true many things are temporary and take time to process information for some. :-)
@@Lumeone Actually, my avoidant and I were friends first. We both trusted each other. The romantic connection was not planned. It just happened. He started the slow fade soon after expressing deep feelings for me. Funny thing about it, he still wanted to be friends after monkey branching to another. I was also his confidant. Nope. I just let him go without drama. I guess he could handle a relationship with a woman who was a victim of narcissistic abuse. Somehow a “normal “ relationship was too stressful. There is no simple solution with an avoidant.
No. Being friends first just delays the inevitable. When deep emotional intimacy is finally approached they will still run because at its heart it is not about their inability to trust another. It's about their inability to trust themselves.
They will always run because they believe they are worthless. Until they resolve that they will always run eventually.
I test secure (probably a bit anxious). Never had this sort of relationship before. I am not being demanding, it's very secure and natural to want to spend time with someone else.
This demonising of bonding with people has to stop.
Totally feel your pain . Same here first time meeting avoidand person, trying to understand his needs. But he made me anxious, never been anxious of insecure before! Crazy how avoidand people with their traumas can affect normal people. And theh make normal close relationships look like something out of reach!
Hang on in there. You'll be fine
Labels are there to categorize the behaviour we want to avoid or change. Not to demonize the person.
I'm an FA woman with a DA man. We are madly in love. Although we've both broken up with each other countless times (mostly me ending it, and I've also seen both of us becoming less anxious over time. The little anxiousness in both of us is calming down which means we are becoming secure). But because our love is so strong, we are both committed to each other and growing secure together. It's hard but definitely worth it. True Love is worth it. ❤️
Isn’t this pairing more likely to succeed since you both love independence and enjoy backing off of feelings get too intense?
@LuluLinArt yes that's what we do. He never fights or argues with me, and then I just calm down faster. And when we do spend time together it's always quality and we are always enjoying each other. It works.
@@lke4907interesting to hear your point of view. In your break ups, have you ever blocked him on social media etc before calming down? I suspect not but would be interested to know, thanks ☺️
@AlexM-sg8fn I don't have social media because I don't like it, and it stresses me out. But the first big break up (me ending it about a little over a year in to our relationship) I didn't talk to him at all and then after a month of us being broken up he reached out to me and we started talking again.. we didn't get back together because he was being cautious and protecting himself. We rarely saw each other during the six months that we were in this weird phase. During those six months I realized I wanted more, and he was messing/playing with me one day saying something that highly triggered me and because he would not get back together with me after me asking him repeatedly, I actually ended it and changed my phone number so he could not contact me. I was totally done, or so I thought/felt. After about 40ish days, I realized how deeply I loved him, but because I was so hurt by him, I just let my pain take over into anger. I had gotten a new job during this time and my new boss was looking for a cleaning company to clean our office spaces. I referred my ex to her because he is the owner of a cleaning company. Well, after 60 days, I felt at peace and let my love come back for him, and I decided to contact him from my new number and let him know that I referred him to my boss. I did this by text. And literally, the next minute, he called me. And we reconnected, and he immediately was like, "I love you," and then he said he realized what he had lost, and he was not going to let anything get in the way of our relationship again. We've been back together for 2.5 months now, and I do see a big change in him. And I've grown a lot too. So we are coming up on almost 2 years together. And I'm certain we are going to be married soon. I realize that I do not ever want to lose him again. We both are deeply in love.
I do want to say I think he is actually SECURE with DA tendencies. I'm FA with secure tendencies. In fact, I could say I'm almost secure with FA tendencies now. He is a workaholic, and neglected me at times - enough to repel me from him, so that was mainly why I broke up with him.
I am 70% secure and 30% FA myself. Not all partners are anxious. I am independent, have my family, friends, activities, and like my space, too ( though not as much as he did). I guess that's why we lasted four years. That said, it was still to exhausting. Only secure persons next time....
Where can I find the test with percentage?
@@nenasmiley7386 Either this person or “Personal Development School “.
@bulldog1080p That is true. A secure partner is not the answer. The relationship made me anxious. I like my space, too. I was happy with getting together once a week. That’s probably not enough for most folks. He liked once in awhile more. SMH. I acted like I would in a “normal “ relationship. Doesn’t work with an avoidant. Working on their problem is the ONLY solution.
No thank you. I’m done with my avoidant. They have chosen to go entertain multiple women in my absence time and time again ✌🏻
It’s funny how avoidants are only avoidant with their partner. They don’t have a problem talking to their friends everyday. Bullshit. I’m not playing the hot and cold game. I want someone who doesn’t feel threatened by closeness.
themodernmonk, Being in a relationship is much more intimate than having friendships. More triggers due to an expectation of more vulnerability, so your comparison is apples to oranges. I get the frustration with the hot & cold. It’s maddening. Maybe suggest couples counseling, see how serious they are about you and your needs for the relationship.
Are avoidant controling? It is like anxious should understand everything but avoidant shouldn’t….
THANYOU for your channel it is so beneficial🙏....My question is....No matter who the partner/person or attachment style....If the DA is aware/concious of their behaviours/wounds/traumas/triggers etc....which cause themselves & others great pain....Why do they NOT want to take accountability & seek help to better themselves & their relationships?? Why Reject/Denial/dismiss/Run??
I am an AP who has recently been ghosted after approx 3 years on/off (due to a personal situation of his own) i tried to support him as always & have done my absolute best to understand/support in the past when he has painfully pulled away, yet seems fine with others during these difficut times (Superficial & denying of reality) I dont deserve/understand this or ghosting!!??
I am aware of my own trauma/Triggers/insecurities & have no doubt that this definately attributed many times & take 100% accountability & have been seeking help for some time because I am so sick of the same shit! I want to heal/change & take responsibility. ...It is not his responsibility to heal me as his is not mine, it is our own journey.....but also a journey that can be taken together.....He is aware of this also....
No blame but is excruciatingly difficult & painful when He/DA wont/cant/refuses to see their own imput in this dynamic....& I'm left feeling guilt....what could I have done differently if i had known? Maybe a lot in hindsight ....but would that have made any difference?
At least have the courage/Decency/Dignity to tell the other person especially after having asked him/them several times after cold/short communication ...."Do u want no contact or space"?
& the long winded answer/text is...."I Just want peace" This is NOT a direct answer to a direct question....especially if they want out!! Easy Done!!
Always considering him (My choice).....only reciprocated when chosen, hot/cold...no reasoning or answers then snapped at when simply trying to understand the change in dynamics (this is normal for anyone regardless of the APs (hypervigilance or insecurities) Yes a lot will say....well why didnt i/u leave? Because DAs are human, beautiful, kind, fun, loving, giving, smart people also.... u see the good in them (a lot) & when/if they come back...(depending on the person) u want to trust/believe/give the benefit of the doubt/hope that they have realised/seen their own input/behaviours/wounds & because of their amazing positive traits, u believe & try again....This is not just in a DA/AP dynamic either!
We are all different & have choices....As for my original question...."Why does the DA NOT want to seek help/heal over losing loved ones/relationships of any etc...I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!??" U chose to heal...?
I also FIRMLY believe that there is NOT enough or NO self-help/information on social media specifically for the DA at all to seek/help them if needed in privacy (as they despise vulnerability) compared to the other attatchment styles, they seem to portray who & why the DA is the way they are but where are the strategies/help/answers for them?? Just awful comments about them online! 😔 Each to their own opinions obviously...
PLEASE DAs ....u deserve love & happiness just like everbody, u feel it & are more that capable & have amazing hearts/qualities.....we all have our shit within.....yet it is our choice/responsibility to be aware & heal....& is completely possible with a loved one also......If not.... be free & keep running, but please be aware of who is left behind broken & grieving with absolutely no idea of why a lot of the time, when all we wanted & tried to do was love, care & accept u for who u are!!
To my DA...Thankyou for our fun; adventures, support & beautiful, amazing time shared together when had....Im sorry that i couldnt help you in the way that u needed/wanted or that i was too much at times, but i have needs/wants also, I sincerely tried & i know that u did also.....Many lessons learnt 🙏 And never stop....
Communication, Honesty, Trust, Compromising, & Consideration are key in ANY Relationship/Friendship!
I sincerely wish you & everybody all the happiness. healing & love in the world ... ❤🙏
Alexis, I will be the first person to buy your book! Thank you for sharing your knowledge from your personal experience. As you know, it is very disconcerting to deal with that kind of attachment.
Sounds a lot of hard work. He is dismissive I’m anxious preoccupied. As a anxious I’m not wanting to babysit him and give personal therapy when I’m already suffering from the breakup myself
You've gained a subscriber 🙂I love your content, I have learned a few valuable things about avoidants from this video, thank you!
Please tell me Alexis, why does the avoidant start off a relationship with grand gestures or expressions of love if they themselves do not want them in return?
This created an attachment in me with anxious attachment style, and it was like green light that after two years building this emotional bond this man would not run away from me if I did try to plan a life with him, after he told me he wanted to marry me, have babies, and loved me so much.
It was very confusing for me after he was the one to first open up and then it made me open my heart, and then he just started to pull back. Then I pulled back, then he came back and now I am in No Contact phase without blocking him this time, to see if he takes real concrete actions towards me.
Help. Because I feel like everything was in my head. Was his love real? Can Avoidants create big romantic gestures and expressions in the beginning only to pull back later? It’s like he scared himself haha. I didn’t ask for him to say he loved me.
I know Avoidants often get accused of being players, but he talked to me about his own issues too (outside of sexual desire we have) so I didn’t feel played. But I do realize he is avoidant and running away from these feelings he expressed to me often.
Subscribed...interesting watching these commentaries.
One of the best videos you have ever made! Maybe perfect! 👌🏽💯 I love my avoidant partner to pieces! ❤
I was a very anxious attachment type . I realised the problems it was causing me after many years. I went on medication for anxiety . Ssris and therapy and I have never felt better.
By definition , an aviodant avoids closeness , connection, and willingness to work on a relationship. This doesn't make a good partner for anybody.
No they don’t avoid that. They avoid to ever loose someone they love. Fear of commitment doesn’t exist. It’s real good covert fear of loosing. They want you to stand strong always. Don’t become stronger for them, but for you. That will build a secure self
@nnthot fear of losing someone else = fear of abandonment that is AP
Fear of losing oneself = fear of engulfment that is DA
Fearful avoidants have both those fears, sometimes simultaneously if they are with someone who is secure.
More generally, very generally, if they date AP they may lean DA. If they date DA they may lean AP but often swing back and forth between both within any relationship
I’ve heard of them finally removing their armor when their partner/ex is secure, patient, yet still pursues them. Their deep fear is the same as that of an anxious: being abandoned.
Hi Alexis, i am a Man with anxious attachment, who feels very strong for a Woman with an an avoidant attachment. I watched a lot of your Videos ( many of them three times)
very carefully. You helped me understanding my personality and this Woman very much. Thank you so much. You are a very kind and sympathic man. So again thank you very much!!!
You're welcome.
Really painful when they would rather spend time with strangers than people who went out of their way to help them...
Intriguing tips, please keep up the good work.
Questions please: How does one create a safe haven for an avoidant, seeing that they don't trust themselves?
I avoid the avoidant
Like running a marathon in sweltering heat, and 5 yrds from the line, they hit you round the head with a baseball bat
I’ve been dating an Avoidant for two years now, and he tells me he loves me (in phone calls, rarely in person). I left him twice, but each time he asked “to talk,” and when we did we got back together. I think he needed to know that I wasn’t dependent on the relationship and could do quite well on my own.
I am definitely a type of avoidant. If someone shows me too much love, I am definitely run away. Develop a relationship from a friendship is all an avoidant individual want, I guess
@feedyourroommates775excatly!
Such spot on insight! Excellent work!
Hi Alexis, this video was brilliant. Great content and really helpful. Your points in this video really helped me regulate when I was feeling dysregulated and anxious. Am so grateful for people like you sharing such valuable insights. Thank you for everything you do!
Hello. I have just broken up with a beautiful woman inside and out who happens to be a dismissive avoidant. I am a physician and surgeon and have learned over the past many months about her attachment style. She is not aware as is often the case.
You asked how we can tell the partner that she is an avoidant without telling her. The only way is to be patient, loving, and also to affirm their need for independence and privacy and to lovingly support and be patient about their fears of commitment and intimacy without being judgmental. For example, I would never mention about the neglect she may have had as a child with her mother. I would try to discuss what is happening now or with the backdrop of her past relationships that were not very good at all. It is hard for me not to diagnose and treat, as I am a doctor. I hope she gives me a chance to be supportive of her in that way, someday.
Thank you Alexis. You are the best and most sincere communicator of this very real and often neglected part of human relationships, which at the core is everything! 😊
Very good content.👌
Run! Especially if they are fearful-avoidant. Like all the others said, if they aren't aware of their tendencies, they will guilt-shame you, blame you for minor mistakes that could have been solved in 20minutes. They'll take your self-esteem. If you're secure, you will get anxious, if you're anxious your invited on a very dark rollercoaster of yourself, while nothing that they do really have anything to do with you.
I’ve seen many videos on this topic. Somehow, your way of explaining was really clear to me
Pls do videos about fearful avoidants too (FA)
My husband is a DA who suddenly walked out after two years of marriage. He has twisted everything in his mind to make me the villain when I could not have done more for him. I’m extremely hard on myself, but I continuously hear that there was nothing else I could’ve done. He refuses to take any accountability for anything. I feel like he wasted 2 1/2 years of my life. This is his third failed marriage.
I know this won’t bring him back. But focus on you! I find it very brave of you to get yourself out there, date and marry! Instead of seeing as failed marriages, try to evaluate where you can work on yourself (maybe placing your love in the hand of people that doesn’t deserve you). Do the work in terms of figuring out your wants needs, setting boundaries, your strengths as a partner, your blindspots and traumas (that are triggered and show up unconsciously 95% percent of the time and affects our behaviour). Reach out to friend and family, they are great of reminding who we are!!! ❤
dlynne, he could have been a covert narc if he’s run through 3 marriages / churn and burn. People with personality disorders always see others as the problem, may not be aware that they’re the problem in the relationship nor take responsibility for their actions and have accountability for the trauma they cause. I hope that there is no more disruption from him in your life and that you take time to “de-frag”, center yourself and heal from this experience. It takes two to tango, I am wishing you learning and self awareness and discernment towards others before dipping your toes back in the dating pool again. Hoping for your peace and happiness.
Thank you so much!@@BarbaraM-lv7pe
Wonderful advice. Thank you!@@ferpc0394
Omg...I wasted 17 years....they can't change.
Don’t bother. The avoidant will discard and leave if it benefits them. Their idea of longterm means in and out of your life.
If you're with an avoidant, leave and find a narcissist to waste your time on. You'll have more fun.
I like it!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
BPD are more fun/crazy than npd in my experience
😂
Narcissist lasted 4 years and it was fun despite them being who they are coz they sell you a dream…selfish thou …DA was empathetic like me but less fun and showing love
Really helpful thank you!
You are describing my dynamics with my beloved avoidant exactly. He’s always right everyone’s wrong. He does not want to invest much emotionally, he avoids being vulnerable. He never admits his feelings. We have a difficult situation (there’s a third party and he avoids taking steps). Now he physically rejects me, pushed me away, says it’s the end. I am crushed. I am trying to push for contact-anxiously. I’m afraid to stop this pushing, that he will read it as I finally let go and he was right and he is finally in peace (even though I know he loves me). What can I do? Cut contact and waiting for him to reach out is deadly scary. I am so afraid to lose the bond especially now.
Also he also grows from microtraumas: literally “you have to cope on your own”, not feeling loved by parents etc.
Am in exactly the same situation but with a girl. Did you hear from him?
Thank you for such a lovely video 🙏
You're welcome.
This is great. Thank you.
I dated a de for 3 years here and after our last visit 2 months ago she just blocked me, on her phone but she still calls me here and there even though I can't call her back.
I still don't understand why she was even reach out?
And if I try to discuss with her that she's an Admissive style.
She cannot see it and doesn't believe me she thinks it's foolish.
What to do??? Amyone?
I've been more than patient, but honestly, I am beyond over it! It's my time to go after someone who is not only ready, but able, to reciprocate and communicate equally. Let's be honest, the odds of them ever seeing the light; is slim to none & I'm not a gambler. Life's too short and the way they are yo-yo in relationships; is selfish and not fair to the other person. They need to get with another avoidant and ignore each other. JS
Oh Alix you are too kind lol DA are so sweet when not triggered and deactivating. I think we can equally be a pain in the butt for different reasons when we are not healed and relating from a place of woundedness, especial and anxious person can also be a huge pain because always having to deal with someone needing so much and anxious can be annoying, I was FA both can br avoidant and anxious when I was not healed now looking back was probably the biggest pain in the butt, and yes DA can also be a pain in the butt for all the reasons you mentioned. I think its important to have self awareness and a healthy attitude and forgiveness for our own and others people's shortcomings and not keep making excuse for others or ourselves. Ownership is key.
that's beautifully said. I think it's all come down to what you willing to tolerant knowing you will keep yourself full and happy. If you love the person just for who they are, sơmewhere sơmewhat you will find that you willing to give them time. and forgiveness. You were once not healed, so are they. If everybody is healed then nobody needs to do the work to treasure the relationship. You healed yourself as well while loving somebody, let them have time to heal with you. Nobody will healed for you to meet if they were not learning in the past, because somebody help them healed too.
Cab an Avoident cause someone to develop and anxious attachment?
Of course. They break the secure ones with their unstability and hot-cold moves. The secure one becomes anxious.
I am thoroughly anxious although I am sure I was secure. My ex gf seems avoidant she comes in and out of my life even after she ended it 9 months ago. I don’t think she has moved on but she will contact me every few days with nothing important to say I’ve tried ignoring her but she finds a way to get through. And then she disappears for up to a week this is an ongoing bavk and forth battle aside from just blocking her and moving on how can I get her to stay?
My advice to you is move on completely. You can’t make someone stay that’s not your job. We want to be with someone who finds joy in stay with us. The right person for you will stay with a big smile in their face.
I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious
Great content
Thank you.
I’m so upset and depressed seeing all the comments I so much want to work it out but know what I have been through and her and that it looks like a fairy tale dream atm 😢it can’t work out unless she want to work on her self and I don’t think that is ever going to happen she is a beautiful good women and I messed up heaps in the years but this has always been there . The way she avoids all accountability and just doesn’t want to talk things out😢
If they are avoidant they don’t want ya there is no such thing in my eyes 👀 or they will always be chasing someone that doesn’t want them because they don’t feel like enough
I think I am avoidant...you are Canadian or French?I hear the accent :P. Though it's just from the place of being language freak ( anyway French is on very low level)
French. Canadian accent is different lighter. Sounds very different if you speak French more than listening as an English speaker.
It’s funny how avoidant‘s should be avoided 😂
From curiosity - where are you from ? Interesting accent
Timing slide. I have done all 3 mistakes. That was 7 months ago. No contact after that but I m still stuck. Any chance there is still something I can do you reckon? Thanks for great content. It helps feeling better
if i do not text him, there will be zero communication,,,,,how much space is enough space?
NO CONTACT IS FOR YOURSELF to Control and Heal, its not the way to influence your ex. Remember this! If you can control yourself you will have a different AURA and ENERGY, u will be more secure! And Secure person WILL ATTRACT others!!
I think you mean BELONGING. Avoidants (me, for one) avoid intimacy because they are afraid of it, but at the same time want it, and want to feel a sense of BELONGING.
Make videos to help the avoidant!
What's the point? They don't think they did anything hurtful or wrong ghosting or discarding. My ex even said he thought that was the best way to go about it..
You said it's okay to go for 2 days without contact, but then later in the video you say "don't ignore them." Would not talking to them for 2 days be considered ignoring them?
Trying no contact but I'm not gonna wait forever.. I can just be with a secure
Does this also work with friends?
It is very struggle to balance, much more of giving and effort at our side. they seems not 'care' which give us a hard way to 'evaluate' their loving side :(
You're right it's difficult to evaluate them and there will be a lot of struggles.
I thought this was gonna be a hella toxic vid based on the title but it’s actually pretty solid 👌
Thank you.
She broke up with me 12 weeks ago after a 12 month relationship. I was needy and clingy and a bit jealous in the last 4 months of the relationship.
I kept in contact every 10 days or so for the first 8 weeks but realised it was getting me no where. I’m now in no contact a month. Did I leave it too late to do no contact ?
It’s never too late my friend. Remember, no contact is for you to master yourself and overcome those insecurities that lead to the breakup. If she’s an avoidant she will have to do some work too but I assure you it’ll take much more than 12 weeks. Meanwhile you’ll regain that confidence that made her fell for you. And, when she comes back, it will be up to you to decide if you want to face this challenge of being with a damaged person or move on to a more secure one.
@@maranhazz Agree, no contact (NC) is only for yourself, its a way to control and heal yourself!. NC is for YOU ALONE!
My avoidant partner dumoed me but now wants us to live apary but srr each other....this sounds too hard. Im an anxious attachment
It's all in the name " Avoidant". Take that as a hint to avoid...Save yourself and your sanity..
Why would I even care about someone who doesn't want to be around me
So, do avoidants not know what they feel or do they know what they feel and suppress it out of fear/survival mode ?
And so, can they be healed for good (via psychotherapy treatment) and connect in a healthy way with a loving a partner or will they always have issues on the matter?
They feel but directly suppress it. They have so many ways to do so. I believe ones they find someone they find so attractive in and out, they will start to face BUT slowly. Relationships therapy will then work best. People don’t realize how much love can heal, if you allow it and put effort in it. Some avoidant attached people are thinking that love comes naturally or is not that important.
@LEE...337 So if you have self-awareness, why don't you change it ?
It is a matter of decision and discipline on repetition on expressing your true feelings and let people who really are into you stay in your life.
How do you mean connectivity? Love is the utter form of connectivity. Romantic love is deep sharing and making love to the person you love. Who doesn't want to make love to the person who loves. I am sure avoidants fall in love and need romantic love in their life.
Good video. So to get more intimacy and sex from my avoidant girlfriend I need to create more space more healthy space so she will miss me?
Interesting but biased. Not enough emphasis on the suffering inflicted on the partner.
Thanks much
My husband Avoident, and we have been separated,2 years but remain close, talk daily , co-parenting ,finances are still intertwined, he makes tge money I take care od the kids. almost as if we are still married,but he has been staying a vacation hone for the past year. We have been together 25 yrs, i want to fix my family, so I do not want a divorce , he says it's over.. but does not think a divorce will change anything? So he doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to come home. Any insight
If you’re truly in love with someone then the love doesn’t fade, you want to spend time together, being around them is always the best part of your day, you are considerate of each other’s feelings. Most people don’t know the difference between attachment and love
How to get an avoidant to undergo therapy/coaching? He thinks he knows everything already.
This should be a topic for a new video!
Can I arrange a paid call with you?
"Avoid the avoidant " at all costs! These people are actually engaging in "anti-love". If you are secure they will call you anxious, which is gaslighting. I believe that the avoidant is a covert narcissistic type of person . They feed on denying your needs. They gaslight their partners with their excuses. The host shifts his statements such that the partners of the avoidant are unreasonably focused on getting their needs met. Avoidants are sophisticated narcissists.
I would love to know what it means when a DA introduces you to their best friend
He’s my ex but still introduces me to his best friends and family
@@ItsLindsayJay pretty interesting relationship there, Lindsay...😇 Women have that ability to tolerate social nonsense. Thanks.
@@darrellborland119 ikr! I try to avoid him but we run in the same circles and even when I tell him we need space, he will do little things. He reached out to my mom inviting her to his party, he was posting videos of me dancing to his music on his IG story for several days in a row (he’s a very popular dj with a large following). He posts a lot of women as a way to market his events, but never the same lady 5 days in a row. His music that he releases are oddly coincidental and he has been posting things about being alone and dating that are also oddly coincidental. Especially because he didn’t start doing all that until 1 1/2 weeks or 2 weeks into no-contact🤦🏽♀️ I responded to a story that his brother made but my ex just read it and didn’t say anything, but there was nothing to say. I was mentioning some deep stuff about dating so obviously he won’t answer. But now it just sucks because I try to get over him but it’s been maybe more than a month actually and I can’t get him out of my head. Even while dating, my dates haven’t been going well enough for a second date and it just reminds me of how hard it is to connect with someone like we did. Especially because both of us are in entertainment it’s really difficult having someone who can understand that lifestyle. I’m a young model in LA so I get stigmatized here A LOT, but he treated me very well and didn’t act like an idiot while all the other dudes are hung up on my job title and appearance. They want to say they date(d)/slept with a supermodel. I’m not from LA or the West Coast and this culture of dating is really hard for me and causes a lot of loneliness. My success as a model is great for my career but not great for my dating life🤦🏽♀️ but his best friend. I was standing outside the dj booth because I wanted to keep our distance but he came out of his booth to grab my arm and introduce me to his friend. We weren’t on talking terms at that point and I was questioning his feelings for me and then he did that. I don’t tolerate his BS, I leave, but he just keeps doing these little things and it’s not fair because I can’t do anything about it except try to keep my distance.
Avoidants are just closet anxious people
I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious
I’m an anxious my ex is an avoidant, we were both quite secured during our 2 years relationship but I became anxious after he became distant asking for space , I broke up with him , now I can see his an avoidant but he was just an avoidant at the end of the relationship, we were both happy and satisfied , we been broken up for 6 months he said he still loves me but I can’t understand him , he’s very confusing, he wasn’t like that in the relationship, he was fully invested and gave me attention and quality time he never made me secured even tho I’m an anxious