This is a really helpful discussion about relationships, communication, and boundaries. I love how you two pull no punches and get really in depth with every issue. It's really refreshing to listen to a perspective that takes into account that emotions and relationships can be messy sometimes and acknowledges the discomfort that comes up when communicating our needs and boundaries and enforcing them. Love the pod!
I’ve had to have really tough conversations lately. But someone told me that hard uncomfy situations are what helps us become who we want to be, and usually the better thing is on the other side of tough things. Also I’ve had to tell myself that if someone does not want to be in my life because I stood up for myself, then let them leave. I will survive not having them in my life, it makes room for other better people.
That person is not a friend and that boyfriend is an ass. I feel for the person who wrote the first what it do. (big hug) I've learned the hard way to trust people's actions more than their words. It's important to have a conversation when needed and see how it goes from there, but if they show you they don't care believe them. It will hurt to lose friendships but be your own best friend first and learn about your needs and have standards for your newer connections.
Please! Time to grow up girls! I'm a 50+ woman and I advise you to think simply and logically, NOT like an insecure 'pick-me'. Just reverse the situation. You, the woman are behaving like this with his bestie? He'll drop you like a hot-potato. Men and women haven't changed just because your gender-studies class told you they have. Reality check.
Carolyn, you are a riot and very insightful, and is there any way you can begin to curb this habit of talking over someone? I realize you are excited about sharing your opinion, but it comes across as dominating, and I end up missing what she was trying to say. Both of you are wonderful and deserve to be heard. ❤
Such a great episode. Probably the best one yet. I just want to add, that the engaged couple who Caroline thought she insulted, would have to look inside themselves too and realize they have said something in a social setting that may have been odd. I think, if they want to be friends with you, they'll see overall the intentions are good. If they see a pattern of weird comments, they may begin to wonder if there are other issues at play, but over time, this can be something you can all laugh about. It's nervous jitters, is all. Also, I think Justin seems like the type of guy who can separate himself from other people's behaviours, and realize that what other people do and say is not a reflection on his character, and that's a really great way to live. I had so many good take aways on this. I wish I'd had friends like you in my 30's, so I'm going to try and be the type of friend I would have liked. I appreciate so much how vulnerable you are in these episodes, and I also appreciate Jess that you don't go into detail about what the hard talk is about. None of our business, and it would only be a distraction.
Hot take. Whattado lady has no control over who her best friend or her ex is friends with. If it makes you uncomfortable, that sucks, but you don’t get to tell them not to be friends or even date if they want to. You’ve told them you don’t like it, if they still do it and you are miserable, you either have to get comfortable with it or move on away from this friendship.
I agree but I think the real issue was that the boyfriend and friend were shutting her out, even though she expressed that it made her uncomfortable. It seems like there are things that are being kept hidden from her, even if the other two weren't doing it deliberately...even though it seems like they were. It sounds like she was initially really cool with then being friends, it was their behaviour later that made her more and more uncomfortable. They didn't seem to respect her, honestly. That would be a form of betrayal if the friend was a man, if that makes sense.
@@mollyaitken4399 I agree. It's not just harmless friendship, it was shady way before they broke up. I would be friends with who I want to be, but I would never gaslit or lie to a friend.
@@esikazemese you put it way better than me. It's the gaslighting and shutting out. Everyone should be friends with who they want (within reason I suppose) but their behaviour wasn't what most of us would expect from a friend or partner.
I don't think it's "gaslighting". The friend has a different perspective and is representing her perspective. It feels invalidating, because it is, that's not gaslighting though. Gaslighting is a real and serious thing but the way people throw it around now it means basically nothing. Not saying that that means the writer has to accept the perspective either. This is a case where people have fundamentally incompatible perspectives to a point where the relationship is probably not possible. But to label someone else's voicing of their different experience as gaslighting is really more a reveal that your boundaries are so porous that hearing someone else's perspective feels like them imposing it on you.
The laying down idea was very cool and it’s hard to imagine going back to upright lol.. It feels very uninhibited talk at slumber party and I love it. Great idea!
I'm an old lady in my 50's. The girl is not a friend she's an enemy. Any chick who would hang with your BF while you're in the relationship, and then after you break up, you ask specifically not for them to hang out and show your repeated discomfort needs to be kicked to the curb. The discush had already occurred numerous times - she said what she needed and no one gave a rip. Time for consequences and for this woman's mental health to be the priority. Now she needs a podcast to figure out how to pick better friends and mates because when evaluating people - if you're past your early twenties you should be able to smell the bullshit in most people from a mile away and steer past it. Good topic ladies. Edit: I would also question how much partying is going on with these individuals because people who are relatively sober don't anesthetize themselves into doing shady crap like this.
Good luck to Jessica with the tough conversation. I think trying to pick the right time is a sign of conscientious and that you care. Also, Caroline I experience anxiety with group texts especially when left on read :(. Any tips on dealing with it besides just not engaging?
Jess, would you be so kind as to tell us how did your difficult conversation go? I mean I know how hard it sometimes is and I have a conversation that I'd go so far as to start and immediately blow up or deflate because of the reaction. But what ever I need to say is still there and I keep waiting for a "perfect" moment and then I postpone and postpone and even hope that this conversation might not ever happen, but deep down I know it must.... Please let us know if you were able to get your point across, if you were satisfied by the results, if the results seem to actually have been achieved the way you hoped for
14:26 I agree with this thought but is it really this esoterical "I attract what I am" thing or rather about living with integrity? Like you said, I'd rather be single than live a lie, just because. I mean, if you discover that your people are actually liars, backstabbers and gaslighters, and it hurts, and you do act on it, it makes you prone to realise this earlier from now on, and, hopefully, refuse to get back into similar relationships and friendships. I just wonder if this "if I refuse this I will attract better and if I stay there I will attract just that" is even true or relevant. To me it is getting comfortable with the thought to do things for yourself even if there is never any outward reward.
The boundary issue is valid, but so are their feelings toward one another. Yeah, they suuuuuccckkked big time by sneaking around and lying to you. That alone is a reason to drop these folks like a hot potato. Their priority is obviously each other - not your friendship. By the same token, imagine standing between two people that might find happiness together because you're jealous and insecure. You broke up with the boyfriend, he's fair game. If it is too painful for you to be around them, the play is for YOU to step back, not demand that they stay apart. Boundaries are for you and what you will allow in your life. You can't set boundaries on other people's behavior because you can't control other people's behavior. You only control you. Let them have each other and remove yourself from their situation.
If they just recently broke up that's pretty unrealistic to expect her not to have feelings about it. Not saying never ever but bro they just broke up.
Mushrooms can help the person whose taking them but for me/to me being around the person who is on mushrooms is always terrible. I dont mean the person is terrible I mean its not fun being around them when they’re on mushrooms especially when they think microdosing is not outwordly noticable - it is actually. Totally my own personal experience here.
You can always see the consequences of people using substances. And yeah as a one off whatevs but if it's someone whose company you need to be in regularly you will be constantly aggravated. People have no common sense when it comes to basic life stuff like hey I'm doing drugs (prescription or not) but I'm just fine and easy to be around...lol....noooot really.
Idk I can't agree with this. You can't call dibs on your exs and best friends. This is not a reasonable boundary. You also can't force them to not be friends or not include you in their friendship, especially after you broke up with your boyfriend. You can only set this boundary while you're dating the guy after you break up he's free to live he's life without any regards to your boundaries because you are just an ex. While it sucks and probably hurts, you're the selfish one here. You either accept it or move away. But let them live. You have no right to control their lives.
It may not be a reasonable boundary *to you*, but that's the beautiful thing about boundaries... we all get to decide what our own boundaries are, and everyone else gets to decide whether to take them or leave them.
Big fan of CW’s YT channel so I thought I’d check this out but I really really hate this lying around shit. People are supposed to listen to life advice from someone who won’t even sit up? I can’t even.
This is a really helpful discussion about relationships, communication, and boundaries. I love how you two pull no punches and get really in depth with every issue. It's really refreshing to listen to a perspective that takes into account that emotions and relationships can be messy sometimes and acknowledges the discomfort that comes up when communicating our needs and boundaries and enforcing them. Love the pod!
I’ve had to have really tough conversations lately. But someone told me that hard uncomfy situations are what helps us become who we want to be, and usually the better thing is on the other side of tough things. Also I’ve had to tell myself that if someone does not want to be in my life because I stood up for myself, then let them leave. I will survive not having them in my life, it makes room for other better people.
This is so much fun to listen to every week. Thank you cool humans for doing this!
The end of the episode had me literally LOLing completely by myself in the car
That person is not a friend and that boyfriend is an ass. I feel for the person who wrote the first what it do. (big hug) I've learned the hard way to trust people's actions more than their words. It's important to have a conversation when needed and see how it goes from there, but if they show you they don't care believe them. It will hurt to lose friendships but be your own best friend first and learn about your needs and have standards for your newer connections.
🤣🤣🤣 Jess said “make me laugh, plz 🥹” and Caroline DELIVERED!!! I am rolling around snort-laughing at “Ohh nOoo!”
Please! Time to grow up girls!
I'm a 50+ woman and I advise you to think simply and logically, NOT like an insecure 'pick-me'.
Just reverse the situation. You, the woman are behaving like this with his bestie?
He'll drop you like a hot-potato. Men and women haven't changed just because your gender-studies class told you they have.
Reality check.
Carolyn, you are a riot and very insightful, and is there any way you can begin to curb this habit of talking over someone? I realize you are excited about sharing your opinion, but it comes across as dominating, and I end up missing what she was trying to say. Both of you are wonderful and deserve to be heard. ❤
Such a great episode. Probably the best one yet. I just want to add, that the engaged couple who Caroline thought she insulted, would have to look inside themselves too and realize they have said something in a social setting that may have been odd. I think, if they want to be friends with you, they'll see overall the intentions are good. If they see a pattern of weird comments, they may begin to wonder if there are other issues at play, but over time, this can be something you can all laugh about. It's nervous jitters, is all. Also, I think Justin seems like the type of guy who can separate himself from other people's behaviours, and realize that what other people do and say is not a reflection on his character, and that's a really great way to live. I had so many good take aways on this. I wish I'd had friends like you in my 30's, so I'm going to try and be the type of friend I would have liked. I appreciate so much how vulnerable you are in these episodes, and I also appreciate Jess that you don't go into detail about what the hard talk is about. None of our business, and it would only be a distraction.
Love that y'all are literally laid back in this one!
Hot take. Whattado lady has no control over who her best friend or her ex is friends with. If it makes you uncomfortable, that sucks, but you don’t get to tell them not to be friends or even date if they want to. You’ve told them you don’t like it, if they still do it and you are miserable, you either have to get comfortable with it or move on away from this friendship.
I would not necessarily call their friendship a betrayal. You can’t just tell ppl who they can and can’t be friends with.
I agree but I think the real issue was that the boyfriend and friend were shutting her out, even though she expressed that it made her uncomfortable. It seems like there are things that are being kept hidden from her, even if the other two weren't doing it deliberately...even though it seems like they were. It sounds like she was initially really cool with then being friends, it was their behaviour later that made her more and more uncomfortable. They didn't seem to respect her, honestly. That would be a form of betrayal if the friend was a man, if that makes sense.
@@mollyaitken4399 I agree. It's not just harmless friendship, it was shady way before they broke up. I would be friends with who I want to be, but I would never gaslit or lie to a friend.
@@esikazemese you put it way better than me. It's the gaslighting and shutting out. Everyone should be friends with who they want (within reason I suppose) but their behaviour wasn't what most of us would expect from a friend or partner.
I don't think it's "gaslighting". The friend has a different perspective and is representing her perspective. It feels invalidating, because it is, that's not gaslighting though. Gaslighting is a real and serious thing but the way people throw it around now it means basically nothing.
Not saying that that means the writer has to accept the perspective either. This is a case where people have fundamentally incompatible perspectives to a point where the relationship is probably not possible. But to label someone else's voicing of their different experience as gaslighting is really more a reveal that your boundaries are so porous that hearing someone else's perspective feels like them imposing it on you.
The laying down idea was very cool and it’s hard to imagine going back to upright lol.. It feels very uninhibited talk at slumber party and I love it. Great idea!
I'm an old lady in my 50's. The girl is not a friend she's an enemy. Any chick who would hang with your BF while you're in the relationship, and then after you break up, you ask specifically not for them to hang out and show your repeated discomfort needs to be kicked to the curb. The discush had already occurred numerous times - she said what she needed and no one gave a rip. Time for consequences and for this woman's mental health to be the priority. Now she needs a podcast to figure out how to pick better friends and mates because when evaluating people - if you're past your early twenties you should be able to smell the bullshit in most people from a mile away and steer past it. Good topic ladies. Edit: I would also question how much partying is going on with these individuals because people who are relatively sober don't anesthetize themselves into doing shady crap like this.
I read texts wrong first thing in the morning too 😂 they feel unreasonably stressful
always my favorite podcast
What a heartfelt episode. Omg you guys. So healing. So much love ❤
Good luck to Jessica with the tough conversation. I think trying to pick the right time is a sign of conscientious and that you care. Also, Caroline I experience anxiety with group texts especially when left on read :(. Any tips on dealing with it besides just not engaging?
A PILE OF WORMS ❤
Jess, would you be so kind as to tell us how did your difficult conversation go? I mean I know how hard it sometimes is and I have a conversation that I'd go so far as to start and immediately blow up or deflate because of the reaction. But what ever I need to say is still there and I keep waiting for a "perfect" moment and then I postpone and postpone and even hope that this conversation might not ever happen, but deep down I know it must.... Please let us know if you were able to get your point across, if you were satisfied by the results, if the results seem to actually have been achieved the way you hoped for
14:26 I agree with this thought but is it really this esoterical "I attract what I am" thing or rather about living with integrity? Like you said, I'd rather be single than live a lie, just because. I mean, if you discover that your people are actually liars, backstabbers and gaslighters, and it hurts, and you do act on it, it makes you prone to realise this earlier from now on, and, hopefully, refuse to get back into similar relationships and friendships. I just wonder if this "if I refuse this I will attract better and if I stay there I will attract just that" is even true or relevant. To me it is getting comfortable with the thought to do things for yourself even if there is never any outward reward.
brill podcast
The boundary issue is valid, but so are their feelings toward one another. Yeah, they suuuuuccckkked big time by sneaking around and lying to you. That alone is a reason to drop these folks like a hot potato. Their priority is obviously each other - not your friendship.
By the same token, imagine standing between two people that might find happiness together because you're jealous and insecure. You broke up with the boyfriend, he's fair game. If it is too painful for you to be around them, the play is for YOU to step back, not demand that they stay apart. Boundaries are for you and what you will allow in your life. You can't set boundaries on other people's behavior because you can't control other people's behavior. You only control you. Let them have each other and remove yourself from their situation.
If they just recently broke up that's pretty unrealistic to expect her not to have feelings about it. Not saying never ever but bro they just broke up.
OH NO!!!
Mushrooms can help the person whose taking them but for me/to me being around the person who is on mushrooms is always terrible. I dont mean the person is terrible I mean its not fun being around them when they’re on mushrooms especially when they think microdosing is not outwordly noticable - it is actually. Totally my own personal experience here.
Total opposite for me! I get the second hand giggles if I'm around people that microdosed 😂
You can always see the consequences of people using substances. And yeah as a one off whatevs but if it's someone whose company you need to be in regularly you will be constantly aggravated. People have no common sense when it comes to basic life stuff like hey I'm doing drugs (prescription or not) but I'm just fine and easy to be around...lol....noooot really.
Idk I can't agree with this. You can't call dibs on your exs and best friends. This is not a reasonable boundary. You also can't force them to not be friends or not include you in their friendship, especially after you broke up with your boyfriend. You can only set this boundary while you're dating the guy after you break up he's free to live he's life without any regards to your boundaries because you are just an ex. While it sucks and probably hurts, you're the selfish one here. You either accept it or move away. But let them live. You have no right to control their lives.
It may not be a reasonable boundary *to you*, but that's the beautiful thing about boundaries... we all get to decide what our own boundaries are, and everyone else gets to decide whether to take them or leave them.
Big fan of CW’s YT channel so I thought I’d check this out but I really really hate this lying around shit. People are supposed to listen to life advice from someone who won’t even sit up? I can’t even.
I mean.. I'm also lying down listening to this
They explain why in a different episode - its on pupose. (Also its a podcast not a YT channel)
@@priyasinha3889 Not the same at all, and that you don’t know that says a lot about you.
@@selah5792 Podcast, not YT…is that supposed to matter somehow?
Not everything is a good idea.
Guess this isn’t for you then