Narcissist's Checklists: Mortification, Shared Fantasy
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
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ROMANTIC JEALOUSY TESTS
1. When the narcissist "loves" a woman, he socializes with her friends and family as well - if he does not love her, he rejects them, too.
2. When the narcissist loves a woman, he reacts to triangulation. If he does not love her, he does not react at all with jealousy, competitiveness, or possessiveness.
3. Women conform to the narcissist’s expectations and mould themselves in order to please him: women he loves play the sluts, women he does not love act as homely service providers
MORTIFICATION SIGNS
The mortified narcissist says:
(1) I am abusive (sadistic), crazy, and my own worst enemy (I inflict unendurable pain on myself by knowingly driving women who I love to cheat on me with predators or otherwise betray and abandon me);
(2) Even quasi-“men” are vastly preferrable to me (I am irredeemably disabled and inferior, not superior, infantile, not a man at all);
(3) I disrespected and berated myself, so people disrespect, fear, hate, and are revolted by me;
(4) I am not loved, not safe, and my needs and health are no one’s priorities: even my most profound need weighs less than the most trifling desire or wish of my “nearest” and “dearest”;
(5) The shared fantasy, post-traumatic state, dissociation, impaired reality testing, grandiosity, and dysempathy render me gullible, gaslighted, and an easy mark.
WHY NOT WITH AN ASEXUAL WOMAN?
Why does the cerebral narcissist insist on having promiscuous and dysregulated women as his partners? Why doesn’t he target asexual or sex-averse women (for example: victims of abuse or hyposexual)?
1. Choosing asexual women as partners would defeat the self-delusion of normalcy (same reason a latent homosexual gets married)
2. Sex - even the memories of the sex - guarantee addiction and continuing delusional hope, they bind the woman powerfully to the cerebral schizoid narcissist and this reduces the risk of abandonment
3. To convert his partner into a bad, persecutory object, thereby justifying and perpetuating the cerebral’s morally superior victim stance (Gabay’s Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood, TIV);
4. To reenact early childhood traumas with his rejecting and absent mother;
5. To test his partner’s unconditional love and allegiance;
6. To control his partner via her guilt and shame over her inevitable misbehavior with men as she seeks to cater to her most basic needs of love, intimacy, and sex;
7. It legitimizes defiance and contempt for his partner and restores a sense of grandiosity: she has to answer for her misdeeds, deceive, act, pretend, and be scared while the cerebral observes her pitiful squirming smugly and forgives her magnanimously;
8. Allowing his partner total freedom also guarantees that she will stay out of the cerebral’s affairs and let him be and delight in solitary pursuits within his solipsistic black hole (schizoid style).
9. To masochistically punish himself for his self-loathing and self-hatred owing to his disabling mental illness (“bad, unworthy object”). Such women guarantee extreme pain and mortification.
10. Sadistic narcissists use sex withdrawal to punish and control their partners.
Why remain in an abusive, dead relationship, constantly betrayed, humiliated, and reduced? Because multiple relationship failures in your past had convinced you that you can do no better, so why bother to try again, with someone else?
If you have a personality disorder, such gloomy self-disparagement is fully justified and realistic: all future liaisons are doomed to end in acrimony, cheating, and hurt.
Why not remain single then? Isn't it preferable to the hell of a dysfunctional dyad? It is - and most mentally ill people indeed end life alone, in a schizoid state.
But some narcissists require a shared fantasy with an insignificant other in order to avoid decompensation and depression. They settle for anything on the table, however lurid and degrading and render themselves unboundaried doormats.
Ironically, this very prostration drives their partners away, disgusted, disappointed, and angry at themselves for having settled for a spineless worm rather than a man. Having been repeatedly damaged, they recoil from any attempt by the errant narcissist to hoover, lovebomb, or groom them into a new round of approach-avoidance.
Sooner or later, this kind of narcissist is abandoned, time and again, until it is too late for him to find the next willing collaborator in his charade of a life unlived.
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The ending of this piece is so poignant '...the ending of a life unlived'. I used to beg my now ex to just start living, life is short, I had a profound intuition he was holding his life in stasis, refusing to live it properly. From 19 minutes onwards this piece was exactly my relationship. I never cheated and was steadfast in my love. But he pushed me away. He's now immersed in his new shared fantasy with a too young girl. I was so hurt; I thought he was the love of my life and I his. This video gives me a fresh insight into why he had to move on from our relationship.
Is this info healing? Does it put it all into perspective?
As weirdly detailed as this is, it’s all true I’m living it
Same smh 🤦♀️
So helpful to hear these issues spelled out and explained
Such a great video! Thank you so much Dr. Vaknin for taking the time to make these checklists and sharing it! Is it right to say that all narcissists are physiological liars or not?! Mine is so that’s why I’m wondering if all of them like that or not.
thank you so much
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Hi Professor. Question: I think I might be a narcissist. I’m a female and what I need in a partner is Someone who’ll just be there for me and support me. I need to feel like I can rely on my partner and they’ll stay. But at the same time I baby/nurture and take care of my partner. I go into the motherly role naturally (I still expect dominance in them though, that attracts me). What I don’t understand is why? Because like u said, a male narcissist looks for a mother figure, but what do female narcissists look for? It can’t be a mother figure if we are the mother ? Does this make sense? Random side note: I did have a difficult relationship with my mother growing up.
A father figure.
This video is about the narcissist, but the question popped up when I was watching. There are different self-states and like the narcissist the borderliner also has a false self, and they also get mortified (that's another video you made), but I was wondering what the psychodynamics are for the borderliner when mortified. If I remember correctly you have mentioned that they become secondary psychopaths, but they do not remain in this state for a long period do they? And what happens when they're back in their basic state of borderline, forgetting their previous partner: do they seek a rapid replacement, but do they also hoover? Sometimes it's difficult to differentiate between a covert borderliner or compensatory covert narcissist that some details just make the right distinguish.
Borderlines never get mortified: under stress and extreme injury, they switch to a secondary psychopath self-state (watch the relevant video). Borderlines do hoover, though.
@@samvaknin thank you for your response, the video to which I referred to was ruclips.net/video/y6V6tM0vkMc/видео.html (called Mortification in Borderline women), but it's been some time since I watched, so I forgot I guess.
Ich liebe dich, übrigens analytisch ❤❤❤
Hello Prof Vaknin, I’d like to ask you: - if he doesn’t love his wife or girlfriend but he does socialize with her family and friends (even if she doesn’t care about it and never had encourage him to do it) wouldn’t be an strategy to gain confidence and more supplies and credibility during and after the end of the relationship? Specially when the victim tries to convince her folks that he is not what he looks like, that’s she’s not out of her mind, he is the evil one and his good behaviour is part of his m.o. and all he did and does - everything is premeditated?
And, about the signs of mortification, when he shows all of those signs but somehow we know he’s just acting, what should I think OR wouldn’t be a huge probability that he’s a psychopath or what?
(Thanks for your attention and sorry if my poor ability to write in English made my questions not clear enough)