How "boundary talk" is used to SHAME survivors of narcissistic relationships

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  • Опубликовано: 3 янв 2025

Комментарии • 651

  • @caspergroupie4863
    @caspergroupie4863 Месяц назад +141

    Narcs enjoy when you set boundaries. It's a manual on which buttons to push.

    • @astrialindah2773
      @astrialindah2773 Месяц назад +12

      This is so true..... But guess what our biggest boundary is? Walking away...😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    • @rwdchannel2901
      @rwdchannel2901 Месяц назад +13

      That's why I don't like workplace training such as sexual harassment training because it just tells the narcs at work how far they can tip toe to the boundary without getting in trouble. If that training didn't exist, the narc would cross the boundary faster and get fired, but the training has taught the narc how to be more sneaky about their harassment.

    • @GuylaineLauniere
      @GuylaineLauniere 16 дней назад +1

      @@rwdchannel2901
      You mean those human resources rules?
      Sometimes...the ones who implement the rules are worse than the ones who break them.
      Not joking.

    • @Equitywaters749
      @Equitywaters749 16 дней назад

      THIS!!!! NEVER EVER TELL THEM ANYTHING/ASK FOR, OR ELSE THEY WILL SEE IT AS A BUTTON TO TRIGGER YOU, SO THEY CAN FEELBPOWERFUL AGAIN, AS THEY ABUSE BELITTLE TRUGGER SEVALUE BULKY YOU* SO THAT THEY FUEL THEIR PATHETIC PETTY IMMARURE FRAGILE EGO. IT MAKES THEM FEEL IN CONTROL TO HURT ANOTHER PERSONS EMOTIONS.

  • @youngblood8540
    @youngblood8540 Месяц назад +104

    When you're with the right person, sometimes you don't even have to verbalize your boundaries.

    • @kostadinpantev
      @kostadinpantev Месяц назад +6

      People around here are not with the right person.

    • @vlst8715
      @vlst8715 Месяц назад +11

      Yeah, my partner checks in with me every once in a while to make sure he's not crossing mine. We also have maintenance conversations in which we define our boundaries better. It's just another expression of mutual care.

    • @michelleflackalacka1606
      @michelleflackalacka1606 Месяц назад +2

      Or you will be scapegoated as the "problem" In the house with the kids, other family members, etc.

  • @justice8563
    @justice8563 Месяц назад +237

    Boundaries caused me to be physically attacked multiple times, threaten to have my things destroyed and stolen, lies spread about me to the point where I lost everyone. Being intrusive where they can pretend to help, only to rip it away for fun.
    I cringe when people’s advice is, set boundaries, go no contact, cause when you’re dealing with a family of malignant narcissist’s, it’s the last thing that works. They even use abuse by proxy, where they literally have foot soldiers to keep the abuse going even after they die.

    • @m.d.1395
      @m.d.1395 Месяц назад +39

      I want badly to just move towns as a boundary because distance IS a boundary and narcs don't respect anything.

    • @00M13-m9f
      @00M13-m9f Месяц назад +23

      a bit of a waking nightmare, isn't it?

    • @00M13-m9f
      @00M13-m9f Месяц назад

      ​@@m.d.1395That is a smart move, do it!

    • @sandrawamerdam2219
      @sandrawamerdam2219 Месяц назад +24

      Setting boundaries didn't work for me. It led to me being attacked and suffering loss. It did not set them straight at all. It made them worse.

    • @msmorales150
      @msmorales150 Месяц назад +14

      If i didnt have kids id move to Australia and start a new life

  • @costelloandlizzievolk2233
    @costelloandlizzievolk2233 Месяц назад +66

    The worst is feeling like you have to pretend nothing bad happened, as the narcissists never take responsibility for their bad abusive behaviour. It’s so hard to be at family dinners pretending things are ok when they are not. No one wants to face or deal with it and it’s horrible. Focusing on the truth, my life, my identity and my healthy boundaries. Thank you Dr Ramanai ❤

    • @deemaysie6568
      @deemaysie6568 Месяц назад

      @costelloandlizzievolk2233: Yes, and the burden of a lifetime of dismissing their lack of accountability becomes heavier as the years pass.

  • @SuzyBee-zs9hb
    @SuzyBee-zs9hb Месяц назад +64

    “The child is their possession, and a form of supply that they basically made for themselves”
    Oooooof - I felt that one.

    • @marthalee5357
      @marthalee5357 Месяц назад +6

      We were our dad's fashion accessories, to be shown off in public, yet mistreated at home.

  • @Sheri-ff9kh
    @Sheri-ff9kh Месяц назад +21

    The "diary with a key" comment!
    As a preteen, I was given such a diary by my parents for Christmas one year. Several months later, I discovered a sibling reading it. When I objected, his response was that he wasn't the only one who read it; he had seen my mom reading it, too.
    Not only did she not respect my boundaries, she set the example for others not to do so, and for me to have little to no expectation that my most basic boundaries would be respected.

  • @adriangonzalez8270
    @adriangonzalez8270 Месяц назад +116

    Dont engage, manage your expectations. Remind yourself they dont care.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Месяц назад +11

      But they do care… enough to ruin your life if they get any kind of power over you!

    • @robinkholmes7127
      @robinkholmes7127 Месяц назад +11

      @@caroleminke6116 They don't care about you as a person, just a tool or a means to an end

    • @Georgia.O
      @Georgia.O Месяц назад +6

      Sometimes not engaging is not an option.

    • @GuylaineLauniere
      @GuylaineLauniere 17 дней назад +1

      ​@@Georgia.O
      Some go out of their way to confront you MORE when you attempt to ignore or diffuse the toxic attacks.
      That becomes dangerous.

    • @Georgia.O
      @Georgia.O 16 дней назад

      @@GuylaineLauniere oh, totally!

  • @triciadreas9835
    @triciadreas9835 Месяц назад +142

    They refuse to accept and then they double down.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Месяц назад +10

      That’s why the gray rock method works because boundaries force you to walk away while going gray rock actually gets them to leave you alone even if through a discard but that’s really a win 😉 boundary enforcement just leads to ongoing war with the narcissist because it’s so important to win

    • @fullcirclebirthworksmacken4196
      @fullcirclebirthworksmacken4196 Месяц назад

      yep...they move to your state. They involve your circles in their sewing of narratives..they invade your church, friend circles.....and God forbid you ever attempt suicide and survive...they will FOREVER utilize that to control you and "hook" others into the story you are "so unstable and all we are doing is letting you know she's crazy...". CPTSD is an understatement.

    • @matilda1505
      @matilda1505 Месяц назад +6

      So true. If they can’t brake you directly, they will try to destroy ppl or things you care about.

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 Месяц назад +4

      Dad talks at me, not to me, he expects me to show him respect but shows me none. Very one=sided, he doesn't care that he wasted my time.

    • @Cupcake44689
      @Cupcake44689 Месяц назад

      Those are the facts and they don't change. ​@@jackilynpyzocha662

  • @hannaclue2728
    @hannaclue2728 Месяц назад +26

    I added boundaries. It took me over 25 years. Quit sleeping in our room because he looked for arguments at 11:00 pm, quit going anywhere with him if he was the driver, quit waiting for him to come eat dinner, and a long etc.

  • @TorgerVedeler
    @TorgerVedeler Месяц назад +68

    Many years ago I was at a Thanksgiving party with some friends. One was a narcissist. The host was a good guy but had a temper if he was pushed too far. The narcissist insisted on cooking with the host’s pot at high temperature. The host said no, that this would damage the pot. The narcissist said he knew better and kept cranking up the heat, until finally the host told him that if he didn’t stop, there would be physical violence.
    The narcissist was actually shocked, and he left the party. He couldn’t believe that someone had actually said no to him.

    • @beyourowntruelove
      @beyourowntruelove Месяц назад +8

      Wow 😮 I’m glad the host called him out like that. Winning!

    • @emathecat
      @emathecat 24 дня назад +1

      Good...we need people like this....good people, but with strong boundaries, who CALL THIS $HIT OUT

  • @wandagreer2551
    @wandagreer2551 Месяц назад +14

    Last words .... "Just don't tell that narcissistic person that you are doing it."
    Pure gold.

  • @yuu_miran
    @yuu_miran Месяц назад +42

    I really like drRamani’s realistic look on things. It feels like no other coach or psychologist can addrress the survivors struggles with such warm compassion and understanding.

    • @cesium7907
      @cesium7907 Месяц назад

      Yes, she is good. Also Patrick Teahan and Marnie Grundman, her channel is called But she is your mother. Daniel Mackler is also great.

  • @genevalawrence801
    @genevalawrence801 Месяц назад +47

    The eye roll that accompanied “You just need to set boundaries…” 😂 YES. A thousand times yes. The problem was never that I didn’t set boundaries. The problem was that my ex got off on violating my boundaries. It made him feel powerful.
    He loved when others tried to set boundaries with him, because it gave him something to rage about. Not just with me - out in public as well. It was gasoline on a fire.

    • @Playlist4213
      @Playlist4213 Месяц назад +6

      The thing is, expecting someone ELSE to honor your boundaries will set you up for abuse. Setting a boundary for yourself (ie, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who says unkind things to me/cheats on me/is on his phone all day neglecting my emotional needs when I've clearly communicated what I want/need out of this relationship.), and then enforcing that boundary, by building your self-esteem enough that you refuse to put up with that behavior, will heal you enough to realize you won't put up with enabling that behavior. Is it hard? Oh hell yeah. Especially when entangled with somebody or feel like you love them. But if you do the work, you can recognize that we actually DO have a role in enabling narcissistic behaviour and we CAN get out by not just 'communicating boundaries we hope the narcissist will respect', but 'having boundaries in place so that if they get violated, you take steps for yourself to avoid that person/behaviour.' You can ask somebody to act a certain way until you're blue in the face, but if they keep setting a pattern of toxic/disrespectful/abusive behaviour, even if it's interspersed with things that keep you hanging on, it's US that need to step away from having that person in our lives in that way. Otherwise, yeah, we ARE creating victims of ourselves. Is it our fault that this person acts so badly? NO! Does it hurt? Hell yeah.. but if we enable it to keep happening, we need to check ourselves and realize our boundaries are there for US, not for them.
      Yea, there are cases where they stalk you, come after you, etc. Yes, the abuse is VERY real, ask me how I know, lol. But 'boundaries' are for us to enforce for ourselves, not something we put up for others to decide whether or not they want to respect us enough to respect our boundaries.

    • @editorjeannie2318
      @editorjeannie2318 Месяц назад +2

      Yep same with my mother

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 Месяц назад +2

      Sounds like Dad, he doesn't have the right to ignore my rights. I am 60 and don't live with him; he doesn't care about me. Ever.

    • @barbarakelly1916
      @barbarakelly1916 Месяц назад

      @@Playlist4213 Boundaries must have consequences.

  • @caroleminke6116
    @caroleminke6116 Месяц назад +49

    They don’t change people but you change when you honor your boundaries

    • @deylynn6280
      @deylynn6280 Месяц назад

      Not good

    • @JaneSmith.9941
      @JaneSmith.9941 Месяц назад +2

      Good and healthy Boundaries are good and healthy. UNLESS you are already stuck in a narcissistic relationship.

  • @Louiseskybunker
    @Louiseskybunker Месяц назад +60

    The best parents tell their kids "you must think for yourself" and that leads to developing sense of responsibility

    • @amicableenmity9820
      @amicableenmity9820 Месяц назад +16

      Didn't work with me. My narc parents said that all the time but didn't give me the skills to take care of myself beyond cleaning and hygiene.

    • @JaneSmith.9941
      @JaneSmith.9941 Месяц назад +2

      ​@@amicableenmity9820, my husband would say that all the time to our children. But he changed the goalposts so often and so quickly no one knew where to stand. It felt like we were always in trouble for not being able to read his mind, but also like he got off on us always getting it wrong.

    • @gins8781
      @gins8781 Месяц назад +1

      @@JaneSmith.9941Maybe when you get it wrong you reinforce his inflated self-importance. Some people can’t handle a peaceful environment. They thrive on chaos. It’s an addiction.

  • @KenFlo1000
    @KenFlo1000 8 дней назад +3

    Everything is a boundary for them. If they dont like whats happening, it becomes a boundary, and if you continue, youre abusing them.

  • @HerrHaque
    @HerrHaque Месяц назад +60

    "Don't engage" is such an important mantra that can't be repeated often enough.
    I am trying my best to not explain my boundaries to narcissists anymore. They see others' boundaries as welcome opportunities for land grab; let them know where your boundaries lie, and narcissists will make it a point to constantly trespass onto your land in the hope that you will cede it to them bit by bit.

    • @pianomaly9
      @pianomaly9 Месяц назад +5

      Munich 1938 on a family-sized scale

    • @dawnsanfilippo6357
      @dawnsanfilippo6357 Месяц назад +2

      Perfectly stated.

    • @VenusianLissette
      @VenusianLissette Месяц назад

      amén.

    • @Soothsayer937
      @Soothsayer937 Месяц назад +5

      And don't tell your pet peeves either.

    • @barbarakelly1916
      @barbarakelly1916 Месяц назад +1

      One helpful mantra from the education system is "Show, don't tell." For me, it means that 1. I do my best to model the behavior that I want to see and 2. when a boundary that I set has been breached, I don't give a lecture, and use a consequence instead.

  • @ericacaa
    @ericacaa Месяц назад +4

    What people dont get is that boundaries are not something you put on someone ELSE, but on yourself: when you understand that you dont NEED to put up with something or someone. You can leave the situation without confronting or giving ultimatums and putting yourself in danger. It is NOT about telling anyone off or even doing anything, it can be internal, in silence while you PLAN your no contact.

  • @barborachoi7799
    @barborachoi7799 Месяц назад +24

    💯% Dr Ramani, thank you 🙏.
    Quoting my narc mother: "I AM your mother so I can and will tell you whatever I want... is how it works in the world."
    Yep, she would comment on how I look, speak, cook, live my life, bring up my children, manage finances, work, travel, eat, exercise, dress, do my makeup, treat my hair, clean my house, literally how I breathe....never ever in a good-hearted way.
    Mocking, insensitive, hurting, decidedly poisonous, downright rude comments...all that since I was born
    Boundaries are the biggest joke ever when dealing with the narcissist
    (therapists shall learn this too).

  • @matilda1505
    @matilda1505 Месяц назад +24

    If you say NO to them, they will up their game..Walk away if you can, if not my heart goes out to you.

    • @gins8781
      @gins8781 Месяц назад +3

      ❤Truth here. I didn’t know anything about psychology most of my life. But I learned early on that you have to back away slowly from some people and maintain distance.

    • @chaimomma9198
      @chaimomma9198 Месяц назад

      “Walk away” right this economy?

  • @bereal6590
    @bereal6590 Месяц назад +34

    My mother has become somewhat forgetful but yet she can remember everything and anything ive said or done that pinged her. Anything she has said is whoosh ed away and sneered at. Character assassination and contempt for me being ill, rewriting history, then expecting me to spend time with her. All my life I felt guilt and bad for her being ill, then when I became ill totally different story. Narcissists are so self centred but they'll tell you that you're selfish whilst they eviscerated you paper cut by paper cut.

  • @idrawpeopleandanimals
    @idrawpeopleandanimals Месяц назад +45

    My father died 3 weeks ago, and I am getting totally attacked by his family that was never there. My family took care of him for over three years, and now we are being dissed on social media for "failing him." None of his family ever visited. Just judged. Now, it is all my obligation. The audacity of narcissists never ceases to amaze me!!!

    • @SimoneFarran0427
      @SimoneFarran0427 Месяц назад +3

      I'm sorry you lost your father and now you're being attacked by 'family'...The really sad and messed up...❤‍🩹

    • @EcoVintageArtGifts
      @EcoVintageArtGifts Месяц назад +4

      I'm sorry for your loss.

    • @laurenbeals705
      @laurenbeals705 Месяц назад +5

      I’m sorry for your loss and sorry for the insult added to your injury….. I know it’s easier said than done but when going through similar I have to keep reminding myself the truth matters over perception…..even if I feel completely alone I’m not because the truth and ☝️God is better company than anyone else’s approval or respect.

    • @dianamatthews5965
      @dianamatthews5965 Месяц назад +2

      I'm sorry you're being treated this way after all your work to care for your father.

  • @JunjouShaneru
    @JunjouShaneru Месяц назад +26

    Dr Ramani
    You have helped met with my relationship with my narcissistic father and going low-contact with him was the best decision I have ever made.
    Thank you for doing what you do. You are helping people heal.

  • @melindawest1861
    @melindawest1861 Месяц назад +35

    This is a very difficult time in my life due to the narcissistic behaviors of others. This video was given to me as a message from God that it is not my fault. Thank you for being an angelic messenger. Your words were healing. God bless you. Please never stop sharing.

    • @berserkerbambi6094
      @berserkerbambi6094 Месяц назад +4

      Yes I second that: thank heaven for Dr Ramani, good luck with freeing yourself as much as possible from the infestation!

    • @yuu_miran
      @yuu_miran Месяц назад +3

      DrRamani is a God sent gift to me as well.

    • @TheRealMonnie
      @TheRealMonnie Месяц назад +2

      Me too. I imagine she's the mom I wish I had 😢

    • @S.Mom2022
      @S.Mom2022 Месяц назад +1

      My heart is with you 🫂 im going through the same and it’s devastating for me

  • @Earthether
    @Earthether Месяц назад +30

    Trying to set boundaries.. was threatened that they’d burn down the house… since they can’t have it they’ll destroy it

  • @Magdalene777
    @Magdalene777 Месяц назад +11

    Setting boundaries can make them more abusive or persistent. It's like a stalker who ramps up the intrusion to get attention if you try to ignore or avoid them.

  • @christinecronk9234
    @christinecronk9234 Месяц назад +55

    Setting boundaries only gives them what there gona do next to you. This just came up yesterday in group

    • @user-sx9hq7qwert
      @user-sx9hq7qwert Месяц назад +2

      If you ----, then I will ---.
      They will trample over every single boundary u set. That's y "then" is so important. It has nothing at all 2 do w/ them n is entirely about OUR actions.
      That begs e question of going NC, but if there is no "then", they will gleefully ignore any request u make of them.

    • @berserkerbambi6094
      @berserkerbambi6094 Месяц назад +4

      @@user-sx9hq7qwert the whole point here is tgat it's not about "our actions". Threatening and thus escalating is also pointless. They will escalate further, happily so. The advice in this video is good advice to nót blame yourself for others' utter incurable A-holeness. Stay strong on the inside and privately disengage as much as possible.

    • @susanna2490
      @susanna2490 Месяц назад +3

      Yes when I tried to set and state a boundary - it just became a signal of " oh so you dont like that or it hurts you? Let me just do more of the same then ..see how you like that !" it is so hard with these people - its not that they dont understand boundaries - its that none of it applies to them . They are above it all.

    • @user-sx9hq7qwert
      @user-sx9hq7qwert Месяц назад +1

      @@berserkerbambi6094 We get what υ r saying.
      An if/then statement does not hav 2 β said 2 them at all most of ε time. It is 4 us, not 4 them. They will not listen. At all. "Then" is s.thing THEY hav no control over, tho: WE decide on that conditional ourselves. That decision is about OUR choices, not theirs. What WE choose 2 do in ε face of their α-holery is OUR choice, not theirs.
      We were unclear there bc we r still thinking about it n working ω/ it. Hope that makes it mor clear.
      (N yes, threatening n escalating is pointless, N engaging ω/ their games is also pointless.)

    • @fullcirclebirthworksmacken4196
      @fullcirclebirthworksmacken4196 Месяц назад +1

      I am actually worried about this phase in going NC.....

  • @katkat521
    @katkat521 Месяц назад +102

    My mother gave me a locked diary. I later learned they come with two keys. Mine only came with one. She read everything I wrote daily. I set her up one day, and made up some wild story in it. And she was stupid enough to nonchalently bring up the story. To this day, she denies ever reading it.

    • @aprilwilcox5065
      @aprilwilcox5065 Месяц назад +19

      My mother did the same...as well as my ex-husband....I now have privacy issues

    • @moniquejackson7741
      @moniquejackson7741 Месяц назад +8

      Good for you! What a psycho to grow up with.

    • @theresechauvin5216
      @theresechauvin5216 Месяц назад +20

      Mine did the same read my diary and mocked it in her gossip circle. I hate writing in any journal now. I paint instead. She can't decipher the visual language unique to me.

    • @user-sx9hq7qwert
      @user-sx9hq7qwert Месяц назад +5

      Can't decipher, n doesn't even know u r saying anything. That's e ticket. :)

    • @trw123-d1j
      @trw123-d1j Месяц назад +7

      ​@@aprilwilcox5065, I believe my step-mom may have done the same. I wrote very, very little in that 'diary".

  • @tinkergnomad
    @tinkergnomad Месяц назад +5

    I've noticed the instant someone finds out I'm in an abusive relationship they start talking to me like I'm a toddler. After I noticed the pattern I learned to never speak up.

  • @Leoo117
    @Leoo117 Месяц назад +13

    The whole point of boundaries is to walk away and stay away until they decide they want to respect you. That's the whole point of the boundary, and that's how you enforce a boundary. They don't get to have you in their life at all unless they treat you in the way that you want to be treated. This way, you never have to put up with bad behavior, and it teaches them how to treat you. If you aren't willing to walk away and mean it when boundaries are consistently violated, it isn't a boundary. Boundaries must apply to literally EVERYONE. Including family.

  • @GuylaineLauniere
    @GuylaineLauniere 17 дней назад +1

    Letting go of "that guilt" and walking away...takes multiple incidents of "setting boundaries" ...and standing your ground.
    EXHAUSTING in itself.

  • @gabyruiz5921
    @gabyruiz5921 Месяц назад +19

    My mom is a narcisist and my family is Just like you said. I finally let them five months ago, it is so dificult and painfull but so paicefull and I feel Free!!
    Thanks for your books and your research, 💕 I understood a lot of things but the most important is they never gonna change.
    Regrats from Mexico City

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Месяц назад +3

      It gets easier with the passage of time 💔❤️‍🩹♥️ no contact since 40 & never went to my parents” funerals. No guilt only sadness because the kids lost themselves in the dysfunctional family that felt more like growing up in the enemy camp

    • @gabyruiz5921
      @gabyruiz5921 Месяц назад +2

      @@caroleminke6116 thanks for your messege 💕

    • @TheRealMonnie
      @TheRealMonnie Месяц назад +2

      Yes no contact is hard at first, but just like you said peaceful and freeing. It's been well worth it for me
      The sad part is grieving. Grieving the parents you wish you had. It's comforting to know you're not actually leaving the parents you want, you're leaving the parents you had

  • @Siren-zx1mz
    @Siren-zx1mz Месяц назад +15

    The best boundary and action is to go no contact. Keep low contact at first, then go no contact later on. Your absence is the best boundary for ppl who don't listen to you when you express your boundaries or needs.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Месяц назад +3

      Gray rock then no contact works best but letting them think they win when you have no supply so they dumped you works best!

    • @sorayamoghadam620
      @sorayamoghadam620 Месяц назад

      @@caroleminke6116agreed, i am dealing with a malignant narcissist and I need to find a way for him to think he has won so I can live in peace

  • @morganinwanderland
    @morganinwanderland Месяц назад +8

    Your channel is literally saving my life. Therapists I have worked with in the past have really not understood the complexity of narcissistic personality disorder and I had felt so lost and hopeless. Everything you talk about describes my mother and husband to a T and watching your videos has helped me better navigate these relationships and feel like I can survive them until the day I’m finally able to get out🙏

  • @sushmayen
    @sushmayen Месяц назад +28

    I struggle with setting boundaries while being kind. I wonder if this works for anybody.

    • @lizt8087
      @lizt8087 Месяц назад +19

      Separate setting boundaries with being mean or unkind. You’re not being mean. They are, especially if they cross your boundaries. You are not a punching bag or scapegoat for anyone. You are not beneath anyone. You have a right to be treated with kindness respect and dignity. Anyone and I mean ANYONE who does not treat you with kindness respect and dignity doesn’t deserve to be in your close circle, including family. I used to be shy and timid and scared and I always found bullies. Now I’ve gotten strong and I know what I want for myself and my family, I can remove anyone who doesn’t fit into my picture. I’m a lot happier with boundaries. I feel safe, secure and comfortable wherever I am now. I’m a lot happier also. Doesn’t matter what mean ppl want. Let them get it somewhere else. Get around ppl who like you and support you. Stay away from creeps. Don’t listen to their opinions of you either.
      I’m praying for you. God bless 🙏🙏🌸

    • @EuphemiaWisdom
      @EuphemiaWisdom Месяц назад +12

      One of the best things that i learned how to do was match energy. I don't escalate, so I don't mean return abuse. I separate myself unapologetically from abusive people. What I mean is I don't feel a responsibility to treat someone better than they are treating me. Because the truth is some people can learn from example, but the one's who are usually causing the problems only learn from consequences. So I don't attempt to repair if I didn't cause the problem, I don't try to maintain a connection if the other person isn't, I don't speak kindly in the face of rudeness, I speak up or abruptly walk away. I hope this might help 🙏

    • @christinelamb1167
      @christinelamb1167 Месяц назад +8

      @@EuphemiaWisdom Such a great comment! 👍"Matching energy" , "don't feel a responsibility to treat someone better than they are treating me".
      This helps so much!

    • @EuphemiaWisdom
      @EuphemiaWisdom Месяц назад

      @@christinelamb1167 💗

    • @cantranslate
      @cantranslate Месяц назад +1

      @@lizt8087That is because you maybe not dealing with a real narcissist, but a person with some traits of toxic personality.

  • @ewaczarnecka2618
    @ewaczarnecka2618 Месяц назад +34

    My boundaries were violently demolished.

  • @stevenhuntley8706
    @stevenhuntley8706 Месяц назад +49

    Trying to set boundaries is what directly led to them threatening violence against my (at the time) two year old.
    They haven't met them for a ✨reason✨

  • @TKouklaki
    @TKouklaki Месяц назад +14

    Any narcissist is deaf not only to your own needs but also they ignore any boundaries or limitations or even prohibitions that you may set. They are completely absorbed in their own image and personal benefits and needs. Sometimes they will even try to drive you crazy not just to ignore you.
    They are the greatest manipulators. They try to destroy any other voice except for their own .
    Like sharks they would prefer to engulf you no matter what. They are ruthless, doc.

  • @ChelleMEis
    @ChelleMEis Месяц назад +14

    Narcissists love others boundaries because then they can play games and upset you or make you feel uncomfortable on purpose. Getting them to go away is the hard part.

  • @saralindner7746
    @saralindner7746 Месяц назад +4

    And you have to be extremely careful when you feel safe and think you have clear boundaries for yourself and they show respect for a while. Then they make sure, very subtly and in the background, that they soften your boundaries again. Until you stand there again and ask yourself how you didn't notice.

  • @DeeCee16
    @DeeCee16 Месяц назад +1

    I had a narcissistic friend who would always talk about how people need to “openly communicate” & it’s a person’s fault if they don’t share their needs, but would simultaneously utilize the silent treatment when I would set boundaries.
    When I finally did set a strong boundary, they reacted with anger and did the reverse discard since they couldn’t get their way. Hypocrites!

  • @youngblood8540
    @youngblood8540 Месяц назад +37

    Narcissists are 🙉 🙈 when it comes to respecting your boundaries.

    • @pragmaticpoet
      @pragmaticpoet Месяц назад +1

      Bananas???

    • @youngblood8540
      @youngblood8540 Месяц назад +2

      Deaf and Blind.

    • @kimmieC69
      @kimmieC69 Месяц назад +1

      Yep. They insist you put respect on their disrespect 😢

  • @genevalawrence801
    @genevalawrence801 Месяц назад +23

    Thank you for this! When my mother was alive, she was extremely intrusive. We children were her property and supply. I used to dread holidays, because they were a nonstop barrage of criticism and manipulation. I withdrew from my family system, and took a lot of flak for it.
    I had to laugh when you brought up what an intrusive narcissist does in your home. Years ago my mom came to visit and rearranged my entire kitchen while I was at work. When I confronted her about it, she smiled at me and said, “But dear, it makes everything easier to find this way.”
    By the way, moving three days’ drive away was the most effective boundary I was able to set.

    • @berserkerbambi6094
      @berserkerbambi6094 Месяц назад +4

      Wow your mom reminds of my what my grandma did to my Mom after she had moved out into a rented room. She came home one day to a surprise visit from her (grandma to my mom). The entree room had been rearanged, painted a different colour and her favourit furniture sold to a second hand shop. She was devestated and called ungratefull for her moms' "hard work and the lovely surprise". Sorry you had to go through that. You're not alone. They're all the same those narcissists.

    • @stealthwarrior5768
      @stealthwarrior5768 Месяц назад

      ​@@berserkerbambi6094punished for leaving the spiders Web. I hope she punished her back by not being available to her mother/grandmother.

  • @costelloandlizzievolk2233
    @costelloandlizzievolk2233 Месяц назад +12

    This has 💯 happened to me since childhood . I get shamed and criticized whether I do or don’t exert boundaries. It’s exhausting. So many people don’t understand yet think then can spew unsolicited harmful advice. Tired of being blamed for others bad behaviour. It’s messed up. I shouldn’t have to constantly exert boundaries. If it feels like I do, then I take a step back. Individuating more each day. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

    • @TashneelAlam
      @TashneelAlam 28 дней назад

      I hear you ❤‍🩹

    • @TashneelAlam
      @TashneelAlam 28 дней назад

      My 'mother' tried to lecture me about directly communicating with 'people'. The delusion omg. Are 'people' generally so abusive who cannot handle direct communication?

  • @moreanimals6889
    @moreanimals6889 Месяц назад +9

    Over a few months last year, I started watching Doctor Ramani's videos and went from suspecting my Mom is a narcissist to accepting it. Now I'm realizing she's not the only one in the family. My Mom's family's entire personality as a collective is intrusiveness. My Grandmother and Aunt have a long history of rearranging people's homes without asking even if they barely know the person. We once got in a huge fight because I went on vacation and she decided that was the best time to help with a household repair without asking. Her time is the only timetable. No one else's time matters. Not to mention the vacations she has ruined by showing up because she felt like it, when she was never invited and even going on my expensive vacation without me. I will intentionally, never get a job with cool perks just so I don't have to deal with that. I'm so glad for this channel. This is the only space I can share these things not a therapists office. That's a big one too, the isolation. Other people have safe friends to talk to AND a therapist. Why do I have to only have a therapist? I'm no longer sharing anything about my life with my family. I do have a theory that my Aunt can't get enough praise the same way a drug addict can't get enough of their drug. It isn't really about doing nice things for others. It just seems that way. It's about her feeling like it is confirmed that she is the best person in the universe.

  • @dreamscape405
    @dreamscape405 Месяц назад +48

    When you talked about diaries having locks, I had a flashback to when I got my first diary. It had a lock, and I remember thinking how odd...a book with a lock. The lock didn't matter though, my narcissist mother always seemed to know EXACTLY what I wrote. I kept the key in a certain place, and found it odd that she knew what I wrote, when I never told her. ...when I put pieces together that she was reading it, and telling the rest of the family about it, I moved the hiding place for the key. After that, she couldn't find it, and her rage against me grew stronger. I didn't know why at the time, since I was so young, at age 8, but looking back now, that's why.

    • @gabyruiz5921
      @gabyruiz5921 Месяц назад +6

      @@dreamscape405 me too!!! She read everything and use my lines to bulling me.

    • @yuu_miran
      @yuu_miran Месяц назад +6

      My grandmother read my diary too and then critisized me in a family circle retelling what i wrote. If not that i wouldnt even know. That means she meticulously went through my textbooks, notebooks etc just to examine everything. Strange, those people are so strange.

    • @alaia-awakened
      @alaia-awakened Месяц назад +3

      This is actually insane.

  • @JaneSmith.9941
    @JaneSmith.9941 Месяц назад +2

    I got so sick of people telling me to just, "try setting some boundaries", or "try communicating". I always wanted to respond suuuuper sarcastically. "No! REALLY?? Why didn't I think of that?!" Instead I usually just said, "I've learned to pick my battles" or "This isn't a hill I'm willing to die on".
    However - I DO think boundaries are good for *avoiding* most narcissist relationships in the first place. Particularly the covert ones. Coverts love to dip red flags in green paint. So all those red flag/green flag warnings are not very helpful with them. And can even be harmful.
    But learning about healthy boundaries and maintaining them - just for ourselves, not as any sort of test - is a good way to reveal them or make ourself less attractive to them. And if someone stays, we need to pay attention to how they respond over time. They can certainly honor a boundary or two when pursuing a new supply, but I don't think they can keep that up nearly as long as they can keep that red flag looking green.
    Of course, nothing is fool proof with them.

  • @officiis10
    @officiis10 14 дней назад +2

    Thank you for adding this perspective. I don’t have problems with boundary talk when it is about knowing one’s self, but weak boundaries has become an easy response for people to avoid addressing toxic people and instead lay the responsibility at the victims feet. After all, anyone with an ounce of common sense or knowledge of people knows that one does not maintain a boundary by retreating, oops, I mean removing one’s self.
    Here’s an easy example. My wife cleans very little and does not work. To be clear, she cleans nothing for me, she can’t even keep up with herself. Counselor tells me to not take responsibility for work that is not mine and explained boundaries like limits for me. Got it. I reduce cleaning. Then there were mice. Then our food is being eaten by mice. Then there was mice poop. Then there are more mice. Then the house stinks. Is it safe for our kids? Divorce her, ok, but I have to wait for a separation period. Can’t do that in separate homes because of how expensive it is (bonus, I get to pay for all the lawyer fees too). Then, do I abandon my kids to that life? Great plan…
    What I have experienced, especially when I taught, is that people feel uncomfortable holding standards. Even teachers would just watch as teenagers would run a muck in the hallways, break stuff, steal school vans, etc because they didn’t want to deal with it and hoped someone else would. So, because you are self reflective, want to improve, and actually show up to counseling, you are the only one that people will address. Because it is easier!
    When this planet melts because of the actions of a few, I better not hear anything about boundaries because to a certain extent, we are all in this together. So, maybe when someone seeks help, just maybe we might help them rather than tell them they have weak boundaries.
    PS: I clean the house because no one should live in filth, but when and where toxic people have leverage is the space in which this happens, yet that seems to be completely ignored.
    Best of luck out there peeps.

  • @Coral_Forever
    @Coral_Forever Месяц назад +9

    Intrusiveness can get really, really scary sometimes.

  • @TheKrispyfort
    @TheKrispyfort Месяц назад +2

    Narcissistic people will ALWAYS find a way to be cruel because it brings them pleasure

  • @SAHMof4-k8b
    @SAHMof4-k8b Месяц назад +10

    When I set a boundary with my MIL to ask before she comes over and to stop showing up unannounced please, she accused me of being controlling lol 😅

    • @chanellestrydom3751
      @chanellestrydom3751 Месяц назад +4

      AGREE 🙌.. My MIL told me that's what family does. Like, maybe that's what your family did, but my family respect other people's privacy and time. It's pure respect to ask someone to come over. It's 10 years later and she's still angry 😂

    • @chaoswitch1974
      @chaoswitch1974 Месяц назад +1

      My boyfriend's mother showed up from out of town to live with us!

    • @jenlovesthisstuff
      @jenlovesthisstuff Месяц назад

      😪

  • @jmeditation
    @jmeditation Месяц назад +3

    I cannot tell you how perfectly this describes my life and my relationship with the CN in my life. And it’s sadly lead to horrible decisions, which were influenced by gaslighting, which led to disastrous life altering outcomes, and… It. Is. All. So. Confusing.

  • @jeanschikora5008
    @jeanschikora5008 Месяц назад +23

    Dr. Ramani, can you do a podcast or fireside that touches on coercive control. Maybe the psychological impact of sexual coercion, how to explain the impact/associated feelings, and how to heal.
    A Most Happy Thanksgiving …on a day many are so Thankful to you. For sharing the dynamics of narcissism, tools, and support. For years of dedication on this topic in pursuit of helping and making a difference. You are a blessing to all (maybe not the Narcissist..lol) but to the rest of us!!

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 Месяц назад

      Grace ✨

    • @JONNIE-u5u
      @JONNIE-u5u Месяц назад

      It wasn’t even good sex. If you’re going to coerce me into sex at least make worth it for me. I just said I’m a hole instead of a hand

    • @dianamatthews5965
      @dianamatthews5965 Месяц назад

      Amen to the above!

  • @LibraryBP2
    @LibraryBP2 Месяц назад +12

    Boundaries with a narcissist is like having an open cage for a lion that you are standing in front of. It doesn't work and you will still be the unfortunate victim. Still gaslighted, abused, controlled and for some, eventually "destroyed."

    • @Playlist4213
      @Playlist4213 Месяц назад +2

      I totally agree with this -- but the trick is to learn the tools that will allow you to get out of the lion's range. We can't heal from toxic people when we allow them into our lives because we feel like we want to keep trying to make it better. That lion's gonna mess you up, it's never gonna see your side in many cases, it's up to us to learn to run and heal ourselves and learn to stay away from any more lions even if it's all we've ever known. We can heal. :)

  • @Kittyminx55
    @Kittyminx55 Месяц назад +9

    Ugh, that feeling of being watched and analyzed all the damn time and feeling like you have to literally, and figuratively, lock things away. I know now why I have such a visceral reaction when someone does something that feels overly personal or intrusive, even if they didn't do it intentionally 😢

  • @PrincessMeowicham
    @PrincessMeowicham Месяц назад +9

    Green looks so good on you! Thank you Dr.Ramani, for setting light on these issues! It has changed my life in amazing ways over the past 4 years!!! 😊

  • @berserkerbambi6094
    @berserkerbambi6094 Месяц назад +7

    Boundaries were information for the narc to know how to get to me. They would double/triple down on that behaviour. Calling me a certain name I had specifically objected to, opening the door of my room as I was changeing (no locks), moving around my stuff etc etc.

  • @QX-xq5uj
    @QX-xq5uj Месяц назад +6

    The intrusiveness that you describe was for me a terrible experience from the moment I left my nice little home to move in with my Ex covert Narcisist. From the very first day he expected that I accept that his mother could come at any time at all, almost every day, in the summer sometimes 3-4 times a day and just walk into the garden that led to our terrace at the backyard. "No privacy" was their way of life because he had never individuated from his narcissistic mother and she felt absolute entitled to make sure that I didn't set any new boundaries at "his home".
    Through the terrace she came into the kitchen without knocking or saying hallo many times wether we were at home or not! Sometimes she left us a note, other times she cut the tomatoes and lettuce that she had planted in his garden and put them on our table although she had her own big tomato bed herself! I saw it as an excuse to invade and control our life!
    As I realised that it was going too far and I tried to talk it out with him peacefully, in order to set a certain boundary, his defensive reaction showed me he would never be on my side. But at that time I got stuck and questioned myself because he said something must be wrong with ME.
    I never felt safe there but he sometimes promised that I would have my own space to live like I wanted and share it with him. My personal things and books never found space and had to stay unpacked in boxes for years until I aknowledged what was really going on and I dared to leave forever after having lost at least 4 or 5 hoovering- battles!
    Dr. Ramani thank you so much for your great contribution to my awakening! I never dated again because my healing needs time, but now I feel safe! 🙏🏻🪷🩷

  • @chrisbenoit5044
    @chrisbenoit5044 Месяц назад +185

    Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

    • @47151632
      @47151632 Месяц назад

      Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

    • @BenjaminCanales-nn9gi
      @BenjaminCanales-nn9gi Месяц назад

      Steve_porss1 is the man , I share similar experiences with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction. Psilocybin mushrooms have been a game-changer for me, aiding greatly in my recovery and sobriety.

    • @bestaneierflott1195
      @bestaneierflott1195 Месяц назад

      I wish those were more easily accessible where I live.
      Microdosing was my next step for my husband. He's 59 & dealing with lots of mental health challenges, possible CTE & a TBI that put him in a coma for 8 days. Unfortunately, I had to get a TPO since he's 6'6, over 300 pounds, and showing violent behavior, constantly talking about harming others. He's aggressive. To anyone reading this, if you're familiar with BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?

    • @47151632
      @47151632 Месяц назад

      Is he on instagram?

    • @BenjaminCanales-nn9gi
      @BenjaminCanales-nn9gi Месяц назад

      Steve_porss1 is the man

  • @Redeemed9
    @Redeemed9 Месяц назад +4

    Thank you for speaking on the intrusiveness of others in these toxic relationships that dont work beneficially like healthy relationships do. Those relationships are not worth having. Thanks Dr Ramani ❤

    • @cantranslate
      @cantranslate Месяц назад

      But what if you are in a mother-daughter relationship and you are the mother? A mother will feel like she is abandoning her child.

  • @scottessery100
    @scottessery100 Месяц назад +11

    I feel blame - shame - humiliate is the process a narcissist employs to make them feel better 😢

  • @PlumbTuckeredOut
    @PlumbTuckeredOut Месяц назад +14

    Happy Thanksgiving or, as it should be called, "Happy Manipulative Family Day!" Celebrating without family is the celebration of FREEDOM!

    • @bridgettsass917
      @bridgettsass917 Месяц назад

      And that freedom is the best Christmas, New Year's gift that I receive gladly!!

  • @courtneylemmerman3558
    @courtneylemmerman3558 Месяц назад +13

    My mom read my diary when I was 15 and slapped me across the face cuz she didn’t like what I wrote… it was just talking about how depressed I was 😂

    • @seeingmenow
      @seeingmenow Месяц назад +5

      Similar situation with my mother as well. She actually *wrote* horrible things in my diary! Betrayal.

    • @karablake9200
      @karablake9200 22 дня назад +1

      Yeah. And she lied and said that I had left my journal sitting open on the kitchen counter. Unbelievable.

  • @The_Void_Between
    @The_Void_Between Месяц назад +8

    Yeaaaaah the locked diary did not stop my parents and I learned very young not to write or use a journal. Logically I knew it'd be helpful, but the risk of it being found, read, and used to punish or against me was too high. 36 and still stuck here despite trying everything I can to get out and still all of the same psychological abuse and neglect except worse. The enmeshment and intrusiveness is insane if you're currently stuck with abusers and don't have the support and resources to leave. Time and energy are some of the biggest things they take for sure it's exhausting and you don't have enough left to even recover. It's relentless and stacks into an overwhelming web.

    • @karablake9200
      @karablake9200 22 дня назад +1

      Time and energy. This is so tough

  • @alisadunn5443
    @alisadunn5443 Месяц назад +12

    They don't listen.

  • @octocat23
    @octocat23 Месяц назад +6

    When I set boundaries with my mother, it pushes her even harder to demand what she wants and things escalate quickly, which can end in a shower of verbal abuse at me. So the smartest thing I can do is "play along" and disengage as quickly as possible. I try to limit contact with her as much as possible, which works best for me. But just seeing her for one day makes me feel like a little helpless child and I feel dissociated for days afterwards.

    • @barbarakelly1916
      @barbarakelly1916 Месяц назад

      Family of Origin Baggage weighs heavily. With help, time and effort it can be overcome. Best wishes for better days!

  • @janeylynn5934
    @janeylynn5934 Месяц назад +3

    This is my life, 24/7. Life with chronic health issues means no money, which means financial dependence on my narc parents, which means no way out of their house. I'm in my 40's, and am stuck for life.

    • @S.Mom2022
      @S.Mom2022 Месяц назад +1

      Same here.I am so trapped dealing with chronic fatigue,fibromyalgia and IBS ,always supressed and full of fears and can’t get out of this shitty system

  • @Heyallai
    @Heyallai Месяц назад +1

    I have two similar stories of my parents overstepping boundaries and manipulating the entire family while doing it:
    1. Once, I was away for three months traveling. The person subletting my apartment while I was away bailed on me last minute, so my mother offered to sublet it instead. Sweet, right? Well, while I was away she replaced the sofa, put photos on the wall, got rid of my writing desk (I was a student at the time), and re-arranged the layouts in the living room and bedroom. I got so mad when I came back and gave her two days to chanege everything back, only to be called rude and ungrateful by my entire family for "not appreciating what she did for me".
    2. Both my dad and I used to have emergency keys to my older sister's home. My dad used to "borrow" her things or raid her fridge and blame me for it, while asking my sister to "not make a big deal of it" because I had "a problem". I had no idea all of this was going on. For years my sister would get angry and hostile towards me and I had no idea why. She realized my father lied to her only after I moved to a different state and someone was still eating her food and using her things.
    I often wonder what other lies my parents told my siblings and I about one another that we still believe. It makes me really sad because to this day none of us get along with one another.

  • @stellasole3720
    @stellasole3720 Месяц назад +9

    Boundaries just caused a double and triple down against the said boundary on purpose just to dominate.

  • @ddjr6673
    @ddjr6673 Месяц назад +4

    Honesty without empathy is bullying

  • @ricardajames5769
    @ricardajames5769 Месяц назад +3

    On point, as usual. All throughout my life, I tried to set boundaries with my narc mom, but it was never accepted, and she didn't respect me because she felt that she didn't have to. Thank you for sharing ❤️

  • @jfdc8432
    @jfdc8432 Месяц назад +7

    Today is Thanksgiving. So very grateful for you, Dr Ramini❤

  • @KCno4
    @KCno4 Месяц назад +2

    I’ve lived in a fundamentalist authoritarian cult for 40 years of my life. 😣 The system was narcissistic and I am definitely seeing how I have mimicked some of those things and violated boundaries with my own kids. 😭 I appreciate this video! I have so much work to do on me and my parenting skills so my kids can be independent and healthy.

    • @barbarakelly1916
      @barbarakelly1916 Месяц назад

      I agree. I see how growing up in such a family system let me see some harmful behaviors as "okay". I have been working to replace them with healthier ones.

  • @bridgettsass917
    @bridgettsass917 Месяц назад +1

    This is such great affirmation for me. Thank you, Doc! I'd experienced this intrusiveness by a church leader and his wife. Once I realized they're narcs, I got out of there quick, fast and in a hurry! I had to let them know they're no longer welcome in my home and that they must not try to pursue a conversation with me about it or try to fix it, that's when they really went ballistic! But it just confirmed that they're narcs. I had to threaten them with restraining measures if they didn't stop harassing me and blocked them on every front. Now I can finally get to heal with a whole LEGION of narcs shut out of my life!

  • @costelloandlizzievolk2233
    @costelloandlizzievolk2233 Месяц назад +1

    I exerted healthy boundaries by not going to Thanksgiving dinner after my brother and his wife emotionally abused and verbally assaulted me. Yet my brother still shamed and critisized me for not going, saying hurtful things because for the first time ever I took some space for my well being by not going to the family dinner. So tired of it all. I have sacrificed so much for them and it’s never good enough. They will never ever control me, they can get mad all they want, I will protect myself and do what’s best for me. Focusing on my life and letting go of what is not mine. Remembering it’s not me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

  • @douglasmcgregor5511
    @douglasmcgregor5511 Месяц назад +3

    Definitely experienced intrusiveness. The married girl who I left church to get away from was waiting for me over beside my bag and looking directly at me. She even showed up at my favourite coffee shop and sat near me. It felt suffocating to be around her and like she was in my personal space a lot. Understanding narcissism has given me some healing and knowing that I'm an empath explains it all.

    • @TR-nv3if
      @TR-nv3if 29 дней назад +1

      I had a coworker who did this.. it was as if she were stalking me.. I had so many boundaries, but she plowed through all,, adter I quit there, I’d keep an eye out for her car which was very distinctive. I remember not going into a store because her car was there.. Lucy I never saw her again..

  • @christinemiskec4863
    @christinemiskec4863 Месяц назад +1

    Then *she* would say what she was doing was "boundaries" & yet, if I tried to do the same damn thing, I was "controlling", "a bully" & "toxic".
    Double standards & hypocrisy

  • @maggimadison9253
    @maggimadison9253 Месяц назад +1

    You seriously summed up my mother in this one. I swore as a teenager I NEVER wanted to be my mother because I saw the patterns in childhood but didn’t know what it was. I literally question myself constantly to ensure that I’m not becoming the narcissist. Is that normal for survivors to do this? I’m looking for a trauma therapist to truly unpack and heal this the RIGHT way. Your videos are amazing and I appreciate you so much for posting these 🙏 the whole “too sensitive” one is a big one!

    • @barbarakelly1916
      @barbarakelly1916 Месяц назад

      Others' projection and gaslighting can make you feel that YOU are the narc, the Problem Person, "too sensitive", etc. Wishing you and others help in unravelling the toxic patterns, and in healing. Stay strong!

  • @Bisseline
    @Bisseline Месяц назад +1

    Boundaries make things worse! Narcissists not only ignore them, they attack you for them. If boundary setting wasn t a problem, we would not suffer that much. Emotional abuse is all about ignoring boundaries.
    The only boundary you can establish is withdraw yourself as much as possible. Means, go outside, go to friends, move out of the house, put on headphones or read a book or whatever. Do not talk to them about vulnerable stuff, do not be too open.

  • @benandgingertopize5268
    @benandgingertopize5268 Месяц назад

    Dr. Ramani. I’m so glad I found your videos. I’ve been in a narcissistic marriage for 12 very long years. Your videos have helped me to be brave and finally file for divorce. I’ve already grieved what I thought the relationship was going to be and I’m ready to reestablish the connection with myself. You asked what are some things we’ve heard…when I practice DEEP, I’m told I always run away because I’m a coward and I can’t stand the truth about myself. I’ve been accused of being a Karen and racist. I’ve been told I’m mentally ill and need a doctor. Everything you say, I’ve lived it repeatedly. The validation has helped me to get out of the gaslighting fog I was living in. My daughter needs to experience a home without fear. Thank you so much.

  • @vickypullam5776
    @vickypullam5776 Месяц назад +6

    Omg. Set boundaries with my narcissistic step daughter. Lo and behold, the family all around her after her victim dram came back at me like a tsunami. Scary. Didn’t count on that.

    • @wendysimpson6395
      @wendysimpson6395 Месяц назад +1

      Flying monkeys are nasty. Narcissists always cultivate them.

  • @barbarakelly1916
    @barbarakelly1916 Месяц назад

    I was a single mother of two teenage sons. We had regular activities such as Scouts, sports, and after-hours work for me. One example of intrusiveness was parents and in-laws calling to announce that they had booked a trip to visit us, with no prior consultation. The expectation was that we would drop things to host these folks. The worst was when a parent showed up on moving day, expecting transport from the airport. Yikes!
    It has taken some time to realize that childhood patterns were so controlling, disrespectful and harmful.
    Many thanks for this video!

  • @mistakenmillenial6834
    @mistakenmillenial6834 Месяц назад +1

    Yes, the intrusiveness. Nothing is sacred or private and you’re supposed to be constantly available for their questions and check-ins. They seem to believe that they have the right to view the inner contents of my mind, as if they are paranoid about what might be there.

  • @Jae-by3hf
    @Jae-by3hf Месяц назад +4

    When you speak about being created to feed them supply, I think also about codependency and people having children to be their best friend, so they won’t feel lonely or to keep them occupied, so they can avoid their emotions etc. So when children, become their own person, who doesn’t agree with or doesn’t like something the parent done, the parent goes into a fit of rage. Thats why I like the term narcissistic, because it encompasses this dynamic too! It would be good for you to speak more on.

  • @Astrashar
    @Astrashar Месяц назад +1

    I went to a religious boarding school where intrusiveness was a rule. Our post was read, our phone calls where listened to, the books we read where controled, we where only allowed the music and movies chosen by the nuns. During the day, a nun would check our stuff in the drawers and cupboards in the dormitories to see if we didn't hide "forbidden things". We where not allowed to chat in small groups without an adult listening to what we talked about. We where not allowed to open the windows and look outside. We where nerver allowed time alone. The only time we were allowed some privecy was in the toilet, so I ended up locking me inside for an hour at a time. My parents where extremely proud about how well I was being looked after. A therapist told me later this had bien emotional abusé all along

  • @JacquelinePletscher-x9w
    @JacquelinePletscher-x9w 28 дней назад

    I have tried to set boundaries with my Narc mom my entire life. Yes!!!! Thank you 🙏

  • @beyourowntruelove
    @beyourowntruelove Месяц назад +1

    Great video. Thank you for spotlighting the depths of intrusiveness!
    With the ex - I set up date night. I dressed up - I felt incredibly sexy and beautiful. The ex “is That what you’re wearing?! 😢 he refused to go to dinner with me dressed as I was. He pulled the car back into the garage. I was so angry. I grabbed the keys - and said - I feel sexy and beautiful and I’m going to dinner - care to join me? He said no. I went to dinner alone and had a great time. The hostess when I arrived said - I love your outfit. Needless to say there was no apology no further discussion. this was the last date night of our relationship.
    If this story resonates with you - there is no room for coercive control in any romantic relationship. Get out - get out now!
    What I needed to learn - and now practice - communicate, escalate, and set consequences. 2 strikes for same offense - they heard you. They don’t want to change what they are doing. Setting consequences means me walking away if you don’t adjust. I never knew how to set consequences. Now I do

  • @DeeCee16
    @DeeCee16 Месяц назад

    That’s fascinating how “Intrusiveness” from mental health spaces about boundaries parallels intrusiveness with narcissistic individuals.
    I always feel a little shamed when people would harp about setting boundaries. Truth of the matter is, a lot of narcs make you feel unsafe to do so & gaslight you when you do try to set boundaries. It’s only when you’ve done enough healing work you learn how to advocate for yourself but it’s not just a formulaic situation.

  • @denaebasley2241
    @denaebasley2241 Месяц назад +8

    I had one of those diaries. Mother found the key and read it.
    Thank you

    • @turquoisoul
      @turquoisoul Месяц назад +1

      My mum read a letter I got from a friend. I expressed disapproval of it. She didn't take me seriously. I keep buying diaries, but don't/can't write in them.

  • @GuylaineLauniere
    @GuylaineLauniere 17 дней назад

    My personal favorite reply...
    "I wasn't asking for your permission."
    That ends toxic discussions really fast.😂

  • @maevebutler4641
    @maevebutler4641 Месяц назад +2

    The only boundaries the ex - malignant Narrcissist in my life ever understood were the legal boundaries set out by a court of law
    Any request/ boundary i ever stated were totally ignored & sneered at
    I grew up with a narrcisistic parent so it was somewhat alien to me to set boundaries in a very toxic marriage except when physical violence occured
    I had grown up in a very violent home & had promised myself that my children & I would not be repeating that toxic cycle
    So grateful to you Dr.Ramini for educating me in all things Narcissistic and for recommending a trauma focused therapist
    Between you both you have transformed my life way beyond expectation
    Thanks again ❤

  • @claraferreira9083
    @claraferreira9083 12 дней назад

    Thanks a lot for another hard-to-swallow pill in a video, Doctor!
    While I was watching I remembered all the times I came to my room when I was a kid/teenager and I saw my mother invading me draws, rearranging them as she wanted and not giving two f00ks about me saying I hated when she did that
    Or even the four hundred million times she commented anything about my weight and eating habits
    The best revenge we can have on these folks is living our lives as authentic and free people as we can

  • @christelleny
    @christelleny Месяц назад +3

    Intrusiveness is all about CONTROL. From the mother who reads your diary to the friend who gives you unwanted advice to the MIL who visits without calling to the partner who demands you act on his advice, it has nothing to do with you. It's all about what THEY WANT. Knowledge. Power over your decisions. Feeling they're in control. Feeling important. In some situations, it's easy to mistake it as concern but it's the furthest thing away from it. It's a sick "damned if you do damned if you don't" game where you can never win. The only boundaries you can set are for yourself: give yourself permission to feel whatever you want to feel without guilt, shame or self-blame. Also give yourself permission to stop trying to understand them, stop trying to please them, and stop giving them mental real estate. That's how we take our power back. Strength, peace and growth to all. ❤

  • @KharisReimagines
    @KharisReimagines Месяц назад +2

    I had a locked diary when I was a child and my younger sister would break into it and “correct” my entries. She would gaslight me in my own diary and write that this never happened, etc. in fact, I’m with this sister now for thanksgiving and we’ve been fighting! I’m 49 now and she’s 48. I experienced invalidation from her when I tried to share things that happened to me and she would still correct me. Now I’m upstairs ignoring her since she won’t respond to the text I had to send that she was gaslighting me and that’s why I got so upset. I told her denying or dismissing my experience is gaslighting! I needed her to make space for me, not criticize. She doesn’t get that and goes to the rigid thinking that “her friends always expect her to respond with her sage advice” and I’m trying to tell her that it’s not about what she can do to save the day!
    Frustrating. Happy thanksgiving? I’m grateful for this video.

  • @LolaAileenVanslette
    @LolaAileenVanslette Месяц назад +1

    Every boundary I've ever set was disregarded since I was a child, but when you said something about keeping you close to them, you just hit a nerve about my current ex. "We did everything together, we were together 24/7." This was one of the boundaries I started re-setting just before I found out he was cheating. That was the end of that relationship.

  • @NiecyB
    @NiecyB Месяц назад +5

    Then when the narcassist can't manipulate you anymore they give you the silent treatment or demand you change who you are because they are " setting boundaries "

  • @blu-r7h
    @blu-r7h Месяц назад +1

    Your videos come at the right time.Thank you for them. Just had an experience of intrusiveness. Grateful I had the skills I have learned. They helped me validate the relationship is narcissistic, and I didn't fall back into victimhood or the patterns during the conversation. Such a sense of peace came to me. I wish you all many blessings!

  • @TrentReeves-c2k
    @TrentReeves-c2k Месяц назад +285

    A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient...

    • @GregMunro
      @GregMunro Месяц назад

      There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things.

    • @TrentReeves-c2k
      @TrentReeves-c2k Месяц назад

      Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white...

    • @GregMunro
      @GregMunro Месяц назад

      This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks..

    • @TrentReeves-c2k
      @TrentReeves-c2k Месяц назад

      You wont regret it.

  • @Passionate_Aria
    @Passionate_Aria Месяц назад

    Thank you for this. I had a tone deaf former therapist who would respond “just set boundaries” in a monotone voice to everything I said even after I told her that the narcissists I dealt with were violating the boundaries I verbally set and the incidents I dealt with were escalating to the point where I felt unsafe. I still do what I can to assert myself and be safe but Narcs DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR BOUNDARIES & enjoy violating them. They enjoy making their victims feel vulnerable and exposed. If these people could walk through walls and sit with you in the bathroom just to make your uncomfortable and feel like there’s no safe place from them they would do it. They’re sick. Resisting them makes them angry but what I’ve learned about them (in many cases) is you can weaponize your resentment of them simply by making your disgust of their intrusiveness known through your attitude (they expect you to love them and pedestal them even after all this abuse). It might not sound like the most proactive thing but the lack of worship affects them, whether they admit it or not. It’s ultimately less narcissistic supply for them, which is always a positive thing.

  • @talithakoum1266
    @talithakoum1266 Месяц назад

    Great comment. The reason the relationship is a problem is because you’ve acted like a normal person with normal boundaries and they don’t! Love that you acknowledge that. The answer is not “starting” to set boundaries it’s in realizing this person doesn’t respect any boundaries full stop.