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Are They Lying About 'Why'?
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
- If you have doubts about why someone close to you cheated, I think you'll find this week's article to be instrumental in your own healing. Understanding why we cheat or why our spouse cheats is a complex process and without some understanding as to “why?” it's difficult to determine the probability of whether this could ever happen again. There are two key reasons why a spouse succumbs to infidelity and today we’ll discuss both of them.
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Infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW, is one of America’s foremost authorities on helping individuals and couples struggling with affairs and compulsive sexual behaviors. He is Founder and President of AffairRecovery.com, the first company to offer anonymous worldwide online group support for those impacted by infidelity. Reynolds holds a Master's Degree in Social Work and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. In 1992, Reynolds developed and began leading “affair recovery groups.” He received his Master's of Social Work from the University of Denver and completed three years of post-graduate training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy. He has also worked at the nationally-known Minirth-Meier Tunnel & Wilson Clinic before moving on to private practice: www.affairreco...
The only "why" I'm getting is the circumstances that created the vulnerability in the marriage. She's not looking inside to find out what allowed her to choose such a nuclear option to solve our issues. She's been very willing to answer any questions about what happened, but questions about "why" or what she was thinking get negative reactions. We're a little more than a month from D-day, and I know this takes time... But it's so hard to feel safe when all I'm hearing is that circumstance caused her to cheat. There's no doubt that she'll do it again if she doesn't own this.
Yes, you're most likely right that if she stayed in that mindset, she could relapse again. Hope time got her mnd to shift and that you worked it out.
Do you have an update on the situation?
That's one of my concerns is that my wife if she doesn't know why she did what she did by her choosing to have her affair then how would we know as the betrayed husband's that they won't do it again? I am curious did you get closure since it's been a year since you posted this comment !
I wish that all cheating spouses were able to reflect on themselves to this degree - and courageous enough to share their observations with their betrayed partners.
Indeed. I also wish they could truly feel the complete devastation of betrayal
Rick, thank you so much for sharing this and thank you also to the person who allowed you to share it publicly. I deeply appreciate her willingness to look at herself so honestly and for her courage to be vulnerable enough to share it both with her husband and with all of us. I am a betrayed spouse and have a diminishing sense of hope that I will ever hear these kinds of truths shared from my unfaithful spouse. But as I listened to this letter, I felt that somehow my observations of my own spouse were somehow being validated and that felt healing to me. Although it may have taken the writer of this letter years to arrive at a place where she could be so honest with herself, I appreciate her willingness to take that journey. Healing begins with our ability to get gut-wrenchingly honest with ourselves. So many never get to this place because our own truth can be so hard to face. Unfortunately my spouse is still running from herself and the state of our marriage is fragile. Your prayers are appreciated.
One thing I have learned from watching these videos, is that it may take a very long time (if ever) for the unfaithful to understand why they did it. It is easier for them to blame everyone but themselves. I imagine that I would do the same if it had been me. Most unfaithful act as if they had no choice, it was the only thing they could've done. That is the issue. Not what was happening in the marriage, rather what made them think or feel like it was ok to go outside of the marriage? Once they figure that out then they can put up safeguards. Unfortunately some people never come to that realization. So they find new relationships and repeat.
Gosh that list was very reflective. The awful feelings of infidelities is such a wound and I think that sort of introspection isn’t always accepted easily. Cheating is such a volatile experience, so that letter was very thoughtful I’m sure.
It would be interesting to know if this person actually changed or if she just made a list from reading, videos and other, but never really lived by her own list to change. This list truly outlines her as a narcissist and most times narcissists don't change.
Like I told my husband who would fit this list 100% and cheated, it is so very easy for humans to do the wrong things, be of bad Character and let their dark side take them over, but ask them to change and be a better person in the world and you will hear excuses upon excuses of how hard it is for them to change.
Can some one please help me. I found messages on his phone of things that they did but he still says he never touched her.
He claims it was just talk. He validated every thing she said
I need to know how to get past this so I can make decisions
I keep waiting for another blow to me. I can’t recover from one thing before I get slammed from another. 💔
So sorry
Her initial idea was indiscreet sex/friend with benefit but got entangled in limerence & living a double life with narsistic attitude for 2 years. playing with fire that turned to inferno & only sorry for being caught, gives all kind of excuses@shift blaming trying to justified their affair...
From my view (the betrayed) I am trying to find the problem and help make sure it never happens again. Yet the betrayer is self indulged and self centered on her thoughts and life. We just had a grand child arrived and I have seen a little change but that is something else for her to focus on instead of the problem.
Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m shattered. Expecting my 8 th baby for the second time and my husband of 21 years decided to disclose the truth after a sudden panic attack and flashback after 7 years since affair. I believe he was truthful and gave him 7 more years and more children and have been stuck in a cycle of abuse. I deeply love him. Deeply traumatized We need help
please look into Affair Recovery. I credit it for giving us the tools and we are still together. Also check out Bloom for Women. Healing Thoughts
The Why was firstly fully blamed in me. That felt nice. Not! Made me furious! But, he has now acknowledged that he could have done it differently, like communicating to me, his wife, that our marriage felt off. Instead, he went behind my back, lied and betrayed me. However, we're mending our marriage and I love him. Still can't trust him fully, respect went out the window and I want it back. Working on it. Thanks for a great video! 🌹
Amazing podcast!
Limerence explains pretty much everything.
Whenever he talks about it, he always attributes it to my weight and physical appearance at the time, and that it caused "his eyes to wander," as if his eyes did that of their own accord... it always hurts, regardless. I'm wearing thin and don't know if I can continue to try with him in therapy or not.
I'd like to see the whole list.
Until my wife of 20 years, my partner of 27 years, can explain to me why she exchanged text messages of a sexual nature with a younger married coworker I will not feel safe and secure in our marriage. So far I have gotten because I was turning 50 and didn't feel attractive and while that may be true that is not enough to set aside your moral convictions and risk destroying not only our marriage but his marriage as well.
We are in therapy, she is in therapy, and my hope is that one day she can sit down with me and explain that whatever was broken in her has been repaired and I can feel safe with her again