Phil in the Blanks: Toxic Personalities in the Real World Part 2 - Covert Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 6 ноя 2021
- Are you living with a Covert Narcissist? In part two of "Toxic Personalities in the Real World,” Dr. Phil takes you through the traits and behaviors of a Covert Narcissist and to respond so you don't end up feeling manipulated and controlled. This series addresses Narcissistic Personality Disorder; how to recognize it, establish boundaries, and how to co-exist with those in your life who may have it with tools and guidelines that can help minimize damage to oneself and loved ones.
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When he said "by the time you get done arguing with a narcissist you will doubt your own damn name!...SO TRUE!😢
It is the absolute truth. My husbands ex used to do it to him and tried to do it with me but I wasn’t having it. I was married to one so I know all the signs and it took me leaving him to realize all of this. She hates me because I completely ignore her and don’t acknowledge her presence if she is around.
I was unfortunately aware of the fact that he was a narcissist before we got married, but I did not get the help I needed for myself to protect myself from him. I honestly at the time thought I was above him doing it to me.
So true and very sad.
Surreal it is
That's very true.
I can really relate to this. Tried so hard to “rescue” a covert narcissist. Drained the life force right out of me.
Been there, done that...let's find the front door...
Yes, sucks the life out of you alright and destroys family relationships.
For 30 years am stil merry to a macabelic pervert narcisist .i dont khow how am here. Today he did somthing very stupid.
How is this disorder compared to borderline personality disorder?
Is this disorder related to borderline personality disorder?
They are also score keepers--makes them uncomfortable if they feel they owe you, but they want you to feel obligated to them.
This is also my experience 100%
I have a test that usually works--they can fake empathy so I don't use that. It's when you say 'no' to something they really really want you to do. Watch them get back at you, either through temper or horrible comments or revenge.
Right! My partner would ice me out, leave and ghost me. 🤷🏻♀️ Byyyyyeee, girl. Byyyeee. 👋👋👋
I had to write down all these symptoms and absolutely checked marked all of them when describing my boss! This was an incredibly helpful video that made me realize how gaslit I have been. I’m starting a new job in two weeks! My mental health and self worth are more valuable than any money in the world. I won’t explain to him why I’m leaving, under the understanding that narcs will never admit they’re abusive and I will be undergoing more abuse by trying to explain it to him. Thank you Dr Phil!
@@pattiemarin5219 very nice! I wrote down every time my ex-bf narc yelled at me for no reason in the calendar. That kind of thing helps us get perspective. I left him because I was worried about blood pressure and even cancer. Was the best decision of my life. Good luck, Pattie.
@@Hopscotch_24 it's always a game and a test.
@@cyndimoring9389 good luck! Be smart and be strong. Life is to enjoy it, not endure it 😁. Thanks for your reply
“Having a tough childhood is not an excuse for being abuser as an adult.” WORD.
PREACH GIRL!! 🙌🙌
TOTALLY AGREE
csibi: mine lives in the past *but claims* not to. Sure, they had a tough childhood left home at 13yo, but 30 yrs of marriage to someone who showed them acceptance, respect, honor, care(love), happiness and joy. Did not *rub* off on them, they insist on living as a *victim* .
Well i said to em, you *were* privileged as a child (which they did a huh! to me) you were spoiled enough to tell your mom to eff off, Privileged to not do your part for the home, Privileged to shrug your responsibilities and run away, Privileged by not being held accountable even when you went to juvenile detention. ¹⁵nov
It's a choice
Right! I heard that sad story a thousand times from that narc. A narc talk about what happened to him when he was 5 yrs old at 50 years old..smh
"When there are more tears than smiles, *leave* . When there are more fights than jokes, *leave* . When it hurts more than it feels good *leave* . They don't have the right to destroy you just because you love them. And loving them doesn't mean you have to stay."
- ʟɪғᴇ ʟᴇꜱꜱᴏɴ
Amen to that!
Love in my heart forever but no longer in my life no longer in my space!
@@laurenml1222
Its a process...get prepared now
Luckily this is my apartment. But they still won’t leave… I’m trying to get them to leave and they are trying everything they can from explosions of anger, gaslighting (it has worked for years) to idealization, future faking… they have learned cognitive empathy.
Wow, so well written & the absolute truth!!
So true. I tried to fix mine and failed. I got discarded after I stood up for myself. In conversations they could make me feel like I was crazy. I even questioned if it was me that was narcissistic and needy. Their behaviour would hurt or upset me, but then somehow, if I questioned it, it would be spun that in some way, it was my fault for being overly sensitive or disrespectful for questioning their crappy behaviour. It can be so subtle. Look out for the public face that they can pull out of the bag whenever they need to, that makes them look like a really nice guy to everyone else. It's been really hard.
On the subject of gifts, they always made me feel uncomfortable as they didn't match up to the rest of the relationship. There was no emotional connection there. Gifts felt like I was being bought off.
That's what he did to more over and over he treats others good but treated me like a dog like I was the srum of the earth
That's the gaslighting.
You questioned yourself. The narc never does.
Can relate😏
Who really is Dr. Phil... because his exposure go way beyond personality desorder. We clearly are in the spiritual realm. Can't believe it! This guy is powerful !!!!😳😳
I spent 20 years couldn't fix them and went through the most painful time in life. I'm am so grateful that I escaped this evil demonic person but I'm still affected until THIS Day Im seeing a phycologist and I believe it will be for ever . I don't wish this on anyone.
I hear you. I suffered for 59 years and FINALLY decided 2 months ago that I have had it and have cut all ties to my mother. Now, I just keep praying for God to heal all the damage she has inflicted on me all of my life. I pray for you also. I seem to be able to forgive her for all that she has done, but what I am having trouble with is forgiving her for the abundance of fear she instilled within me (that I allowed, but how does a little girl know...and then it just became a way of life as an adult). Our number one enemy, satan, is all about instilling fear within us. God help us all to forgive and heal 100%.
Impossible fix a Narcissist! Enjoy your life ! Find some time just with yourself! And you will feel better ! Thank you for share your experience
@@missoesinternacionais9109 You are so right. Not only that...they just simply don't change.
I spent 20+ years married to one. Until our separation? I didn't know there was a label for him. Never wrong. Never apologized. I mentioned that once and he said "apologize for what? I've never been wrong." It took him nearly killing me to finally break away from the codependency of the toxicity. It took 5 years and therapy but, I'm in a good place finally. I hope it gets better for you. There is peace of mind, body and soul. I'm living proof. Best of all to you.
Waist......of your time my biggest regret
I came out of a relationship who was a covert narc. Omg… from the beginning I knew something was off but didn’t know what. I stuck it out thinking it might change if I tried harder, if I did better, if I loved more…I went into that relationship as one person and came out of it another. He broke me down to a shell of who I once was. It’s taken years of soul searching and deep healing to get over those trauma bonds and to cut that cosmic pull he had over me. Thank goodness I came through to the other side. A little rough n ruined, battered n bruised but not completely broken. I send love and light to anyone still trying to figure it out or making their way out. Absolutely horrible experience to through, wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Xx
I hear you completely
I'm experiencing this now. I left my narc husband/marriage five months ago and I feel like my life force was pulled out of me along with my finances but I'm healing as this is the beginning. I filed for a divorce of a 11 YR marriage.
My heart is so worried just reading this post..I am struggling and appreciate your sharing. Xoxo back friend
What was it that kept you in the relationship? I'm asking asking for a friend 🤔
@@cherylthompson2731 addiction. Addicted to the trauma bond, addicted to being better, addicted to not losing him, addicted to ignoring myself, addicted to trying making him happy, addicted to the highs, addicted to the lows, addicted to the next time we would be better, addicted to the next time he noticed me, addicted to the silent treatment… the list goes on.
The worst part of having narcissistic parents is when the rest of the family don't have your back and either cannot see it or make endless excuses for it and become enablers.
yes, my family does the same and dogpiles and makes it worse
Absolutely 💯. In my case it's a narcissistic sister and my other older sisters that enable her behavior and are blind to the way she treats me. I refuse to put up with it and in their eyes I'm mean for setting boundaries,which of course she didn't like. I have to protect myself. If they wanna put up and enable her behavior that's fine,I will not. Getting her out if my life was the best decision I could have made for ME
Yessss
Yes..that's just horrible
AMEN! Same exact thing. My parents each have their own flying monkey gangs they’ve been manipulating for years and have them so far up their butts thinking they’re pure perfection and I’m always to blame no matter what happens. Especially if I get angry at blatantly clear gaslighting that literally any human in the world would be pissed about. The most toxic people in existence- Dr. Ramani says covert narcissism is the second hand smoke of psychology. So true, I get physically ill if I felt pressured to confirm I’d be at dinner for instance and I gave in to it, every time I get severe stomach pain and just plain lethargy In the days leading up to it. Luckily for me that ensures I wind up canceling and now I don’t make that mistake anymore and I’m feeling sooo much better emotionally spiritually physically. Whew I feel lighter like I lost 70 pounds after just 9 days of going complete no contact.
So spot on. This narc ex was just never happy for anyone, said bad things about everyone including his own family (mom, sister, aunts, counsins) called them all psychopaths. He complained about everything and envied people who have it better in life (including myself). I then realized this person is all darkness and so I left.
Coverts are dangerous…extremely dangerous and once you uncover them you better watch the F out. Block, leave and don’t look back. The most manipulative human beings ever
Block and delete.
My own father is a covert. A victim. He is Christ himself who got down off the cross. I was the o Lu girl and never never ever good enough for him. He’s tried to destroy me and my life in many occasions. He told me he wished I was never born. He’s told me he lays in bed at night wondering when the next time I’m going to f up is going to be. Nice guy.
Thanks for this comment. It gives me strength. I have yet to delete and block them from my life. I have begun to set boundaries and keep them at arm's length. Because it's my mom and sister, I struggle with deleting them from my life. But, It sounds better than living with their abuse anymore.
@@ladyluck5248 I understand ,my mother told me she didn’t want me…
Yes I know of two
Listen to me when I say if you're dealing with one of these types just separate yourself from them permanently.
Save yourself a lot of pain and suffering 💔
Yes!
My daughter seems like a narcissist. She is 52 yrs old. Her Father was like this. When I found out my husband was abusing our daughters. I decided to leave him. He was abusive to me too. My daughter Sally (fake name) became an alcoholic. She says her happiest time in her life was when she went to bars and let guys dote over her beauty. She makes everyone feel sorry for her and give her money. She doesn't want an ordinary job she wants one that pays as much money as she's worth. When her friends feel sorry for her and give her money she goes out and blows it and then doesn't have enough money for her bills. She constantly goes to certain friends that will feel sorry for her and give her more money. She lived with me, her mom, for about 6 years before I finallly kicked her out. She moved in with a friend and doesn't work.
My daughter seems like a narcissist. She is 52 yrs old. Her Father was like this. When I found out my husband was abusing our daughters. I decided to leave him. He was abusive to me too. My daughter Sally (fake name) became an alcoholic. She says her happiest time in her life was when she went to bars and let guys dote over her beauty. She makes everyone feel sorry for her and give her money. She doesn't want an ordinary job she wants one that pays as much money as she's worth. When her friends feel sorry for her and give her money she goes out and blows it and then doesn't have enough money for her bills. She constantly goes to certain friends that will feel sorry for her and give her more money. She lived with me, her mom, for about 6 years before I finallly kicked her out. She moved in with a friend and doesn't work.
If only young people (high school, middle school, and even grade school), could have classes and practice in preparing them to handle these sort of toxic people in life; and to learn the difference between a healthy and unhealthy behaviors; the difference between who you respect and who you shouldn’t respect. Can you imagine the divorces, mental disorders and addictions we could avoid? If only someone had given me this information and taught me how to manage toxic people FREE FROM GUILT, starting as a child…... the very fact that these people cannot and will not be rescued, is enormously valuable information. After 66 years of suffering abusive family members, boyfriends and friends, thinking if only I loved enough or loved more, then that person would love me back or appreciate me? As a child, I was taught to respect and obey every adult and to ALWAYS be polite, but I was never taught to respect myself. What??
Parents can do that instructing . By the teaching of humility and empathy and I identify and service …. The hard part is a lot of us weren’t taught . So we are not clear on identity and insecure and attract the narcissist and have no sense of self to know to care but not be around to be their victim
After the abuse I just recently endured and looking at the aftermath in my family. I truly want to start a organization for the youth to teach them the things we weren't taught about these situations. This can ruin your life.... knowledge is truly power when used in its correct content...
My only sister put me down for years. I had very bad years in my life and wasn't easy to be around instead of helping me emotionaly she used this to talk about me helped turn my friends from me, when I got help got myself a good job her answer to that I said to people I don't think she is suited to that job,.well I was very suited to it always made me look bad, dr phil could be talking about her I tried to set bountrys it didn't work, she also always pretended to have more money ect than they had after years and years of her abuse I have now cut her out of my life and after years I have complete peace of mind.
I am doing that as a parent and beeing raised by narcissistic mother.I also hope in the nearest future it would be obligatory subject in schools.
@@LifesIngredients Where do you live?
Broke off with a narc almost three years ago! He tried everyday to get me to respond! I still wakeup and am so excited that I will not ever have to talk to him again!!
😩😭😭😭 devastated! I’m realizing 20 years later I been with a covert narcissist! OMG! My life! I feel like a fool, so confused!
Knowing is the first step, and now you can have hope for a better life 😘
I am 63 and just found out 8 months ago ago.
11 years for me plus a demand for a marriage. The kids a never had yet saved me! I was so preoccupied by their fortune with the kind she could be that I never cross the road after she accepted my demand with tears and joy. If it wasn't for their concern, I would have dived into that marriage like a foul ! 🤯🤯
Living with these kinds of people will take such a toll on both your physical and mental health that it can shorten your life.
Absolutely
If you let it.
So true!!
This is definitely one of the reasons I got rid of my guy, he is a Narcissist & so abusive i felt my health deteriorating...
Its all about me now, I am free, I am
single thank our awesome LORD above!!!
truth.
I will on 4 medications for life. I came down with rhuematoid arthritis at 2 because I was never touched or held. How can anyone hate a baby???
Growing up with a narcissistic mother left me unparented, used, abused and with no coping skills. Everything they "do for you" is to make themselves look better.
Exactly my case, only the gender is different
I’m sorry. I understand. My mom is the same
Nailed it! Same story here. ❤️
You’ll be OK in the end. If it’s not OK…. It’s not the end 😊😘
I feel u. I have the same!
I'm a covert narcissist and this has been incredibly eye opening for me. I never realised how much I victimized myself and held those close to me hostage, Phil talking about how we constantly complain and do nothing thinking we have it all figured out whilst doing completely nothing is absolutely true.
Enough self pity, enough self victimisation, enough is enough. I'm 19 and I know deep in my heart and mind this is not the person I want to become, I have to constantly remind myself from now on that I want to be a stronger person, someone who doesn't take their position for granted and belittle those who act when I myself could not. I will not hold those who love me hostage to boost my own fragile ego.
You are probably not a narcissist. A narcissist can never have that insight you have had over yourself. A narcissist cannot change because they don't do reflection. It is with reflection that we can change. Keep going and challenge yourself to learn more about yourself.
I think it's great you're willing to be introspective and reflect but I don't think you're a narcissist. A little self absorbed perhaps even typical teenage hormones still doing their thing and the transition to adulthood from child but I highly doubt a narcissist. Narcissists don't reflect, literally can't see they are the problem, have low empathy or concern about how others feel because they can't place themselves in others shoes - that comes with empathy which they lack. Doesn't sound like you are this if you can see how your behaviour affects others. Granted, poor behaviour is still good to recognise so glad that you've been able to acknowledge some unhealthy traits and wanting to do better. Love and light ✨️ 🙂
@@evei11 I second that! The fact you are willing to look at your own faults is a very strong sign that you will become a very decent person..we all live and learn
Absolutely Donna55959
Absolutely Donna
The term “humble brag” is genius! It can be so confusing when what they are saying is self-deprecating but the end game is always to bring attention to themselves not to engage in a reciprocal conversation. Humble would be not making the statement in the first place.
also called "false modesty." i remember my GORGEOUSLY HOT ex-boyfriend telling me when we first started dating that he was insecure about his looks. i was amazed, and said "how could you not know you are handsome? you can't tell me none of your prior girlfriends ever told you how good looking you are?" and i remember his shy smirk and then he pointed the question back to me and said "well YOU said you were insecure about your looks, too!" (which i am, but i am not 1/2 his level of gorgeous) so i remember trying to remember to praise him on his looks often, but looking back, i probably didn't. and later i was bored by his self-absorption, would spend hours at the gym, then feign "depression" and "no energy" such that he wouldn't be able to go out that night. he always hid behind his anxiety and insomnia or stomach issues, to cancel dates. he always brought up his ex-girlfriends, and would just "happen to run into them" and tell me stories about how they wanted him back. i'm pretty sure, looking back, he was probably hoovering them the whole time. good riddance, TC!
Thank you so much this Dr. Phil. Married 31 years to a covert narc. He destroyed me, financially, my credit history, my physical health and my mental health. He lied stole, raged, destroyed my property, my reputation. 6 months in therapy. My hands have stopped shaking and making my plan to get out.. In therapy I discovered my mother was a narcissist also. This stuff should be taught in schools. Thank you from Ireland 🇮🇪
Dont wait, get out now, narcissist's can KILL you too!!!
Dr Phil needs to mention this also..
I hope you know you are not alone- my mother was too and then a physically abusive boyfriend in college- so bad that I started to get panic attacks that landed me in the hospital on multiple occasions….I understand the shaking. I hope things get better for you ❤️
Dr., Am just resting my eyes. Thank you so much.
I don' like to be with a person with those qualities. So , let it be over, may God help us🙏🙏🙏
Dr. Phil. I still have your famous book , the no.1New York Times Best Seller.
Covert narcissists look for empathic, caring people who will want to try to help them out.
So that they can sick them dry.
This is very true and they also like broken people for the reason that they will be able to help you but keep you down at the same time and then ofc you're indebted to them unspokenly.
This is true. I was married to one for 18 years until he decided to leave us for another woman who does and gives him everything. I think I’ll send her a thank you card. 🤔
Yes, they sure do
They will also look for “weak” people they can bully into helping them out. You don’t have to be an empath. I’m not an empathic person, in fact I don’t think I have empathy due to my Aspergers. Which actually makes me a good target coz I’m not great at reading body language or putting myself in other peoples shoes so I can’t tell when someone is blatantly scamming me. (Lack of empathy does not mean lack of morals or compassion btw and it would be swell if dr Phil could do an episode that explains this. You CAN lack empathy without being toxic. I hate hurting people,
I love animals, i have a strong belief in the necessity for laws in order for society to flourish. Lack of empathy just means I have trouble putting myself in others shoes but you CAN learn empathy and you DONT need it to feel like people hurting is a bad thing. But people, especially narcissist, can exploit a lack of empathy to their own advantage by clouding your judgement of what is a reasonable request and what isn’t. We have no metric by which we can judge whether an emotion is genuine, or what emotion-based situations require what response. We need outside information to help us determine this because it is not an instinct we possess.
For this we thank dr Phil for providing us a metric as to what is an appropriate response to various situations 💖💖)
I’ve been married to one for 60 years😫Thank you, Dr. Phil. You have helped me.
It's like you're reading out of my diary. Thank you for putting to light the tangled web of being with a vulnerable narc.
@jessicabecause - also watch Dr. Ramani & Dr. Les Carter on RUclips if you want a deeper dive into all the types of Narcassists.
Point by point Dr Phil, you’ve described 35 years of my marriage at one point I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and my husband absolutely loved and relished my mental illness . He destroyed every bit of my self esteem, he removed every family member, every friend. I was isolated and alone.
the only way I got out of all my craziness was at the age of 60 he died , that was several years ago for the first time in my life I am stable ,mentally healthy and happy and recognizing that the crazy making in my life with him was never about me
thank you for such an informative series
I would say now if anyone is diagnosed with a mental health condition of any kind x ask about their partner x pleased you’re seeing the light now x it’s not an easy process to turn yourself inside out to see what has happened x
@@theempoweredwomen8167 thank you for the support, it means so
Much knowing others have been in my situation and understand how difficult it is to get out. Wishing you well 🙏
Dr. Phil. Please talk about the stages you go through with Narcissist the love bombing, devaluation, triangulation, and discard, and the Hoover. I think the covert is the most dangerous! Please talk about the red flags. They were flying so strongly and I ignored them, because of the gaslighting. Horrid, jush horrid. The push pull almost killed me.
@@j.t.1215 it took me awhile to stop being angry about the needless years that I was highly medicated for a fantasy illness .
But I suddenly realized I was tired of being sad and angry at everything, I’m just so grateful to have found the real me.
I am at peace and will never allow a Narc to control me.
I can understand how the doctors thought I was bipolar, when hubby was happy and things were going well for him, my moods were high, we did things that normal couples do, we looked happy! But those were fleeting and it always crashed as soon as I “ misbehaved” his anger and punishment ruled the household, and of course depression sets in. It was a roller coaster of emotions all centered around his moods and I can only see that clearly now that he is gone
@@busygal1959 I like your stages you have given it ! Because it pretty much goes that root . The day you stand your ground, look them in the eye, and say “ I know who I am and you WON’T change it “ You have popped that balloon ! But don’t be fooled, because there will be a game change brewing.
I really wish Dr.Phil had Dr.Ramani on his show for this. She has dedicated her career to this. She has so much insight. She deals with these people on a regular basis.
She is the BEST out there.
Absolutely!
@@debbiecharles7912 do you know if Dr. Ramani has anything to listen to? I never heard of her. I could google I was just very curious. I’m trying to understand more the situation I’m in and I’m in process of getting out of. Thank you!
@@Jessie-ny9kd Dr Ramani is on you tube. She has lots of videos on Narcissism
@@debbiecharles7912 Thank you so much for lmk😊
😂 so spot on! My Mother would often say things like “I’m so stupid” and then just stare at me waiting for me to tell her she is not stupid (which I never did). She is the ultimate victim in every situation and yes, very negative in attitude. I went no contact over 4 years ago, best decision I ever made.
I just turned 59 and I went no contact 2 months ago and I am soooo happy. I really wish I would've made this decision decades ago...they never ever change and they are extremely destructive. And btw, setting boundaries doesn't work with them...they run all over them like a semi over a dime...they have no respect for us nor our boundaries. I mention this because Phil just mentioned setting boundaries...they simply don't work. The only thing that works is to go no contact. Even though she is my mother, satan will use anyone and everyone to destroy us and she almost did. Now I am healing. God bless.
Thank you for this video. I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist and you validated everything... my perceptions, feelings, suspicions... everything. He was the unwaivering victim, constantly blaming and shaming me, never taking responsibility or, God forbid, apologizing, always lying or omitting parts of the truth, disappearing/reappearing. His compliments were tied to him. For example, he told me I was pretty because I was dating such a handsome man. These people will drain you until you're just an empty shell of who you used to be.
My mom is a covert narcissist and I am the empathic, dutiful daughter. I was past adulthood when I figured out how damaging it has been to me. Even if I only live 10 more years, I am going to value myself and be free.
I feel your pain and I pray you live happily and be proud of who you are and live well beyond 10 years!!!💕💕💕🥰🥰🥰🌺🌺🌺
My mom dying,,set me free!
You’re not alone. I dealt with this with my mother since the age of 4. Until last year, 28 years of age now, I decided to feed it no more. Each day is a learning day but more peaceful and worth it to separate myself from her and her abuse. Praying for you and your peace ❤️
I'm in your situation except I'm not free yet. My mom is 80. She's worse than ever!
@@roxannemoreno2012
Yep. Mine’s 83. Gets worse not better
My covert narcissist destroyed my life, so evil it’s unimaginable- I felt like I was going insane. 18months no contact and the past 6months the pain is less, the intense emptiness has gone and I’m now glad I made that choice to run! They weren’t the person I loved it’s was all an act. Even though you’ll miss them so intensely at the start it’s worth it. Don’t be a puppet.
So happy you escaped the abuse! It took many years for me to understand what was happening! By then the gaslighting had me questioning my own sanity!
@@carlagrist5019 glad you’re free too ❤️
Agreed
100% true , we miss the love bombing stage - all well scripted lies unfortunately
No cure - run away !!!!
I agree 😊
my mom has been a narcissist my whole life 😢All six of us have been separated from each other because of her💔
She’s got the coldest heart 😔
"I swear they would complain to God himself" - so true haha.
When I finally put up boundaries , I got the wrath even worse behind my back than ever before. It was actually scary to me.
Be careful "BEWARE"
Narcissist's can KILL YOU!!!!
My EX tried KILLING ME!!!
Exactly what happened to me ss well.
@@countrybabe1111 ,yes my Narrissist step daughter texted me just days before her father (my husband of 30 yrs)had passed ,stating she had been trying to get rid of me since was a kid. Their crazy 🤪
That's exactly what they do to make you regret setting boundaries or make you regret becoming aware of their disordered mind games. Imo it's what makes them dangerous. Block & deny access if possible.
Me too!
I honestly can’t believe dr Phil is doing an hour segment on this this has been ruling my life and I’ve been watching NOTHING but RUclips’s on narcissism after surviving my abusive ex husband and realizing I actually grew up wi narcissistic parents .... interesting this is coming to the fore front right now.....
Good for you for getting the strength to leave him. My mother left my father last year after having a nervous breakdown from sleep deprivation on account of him keeping her up every night. They were married for 30 years and my mom was with him since she was 14 years old its all she knew. She's grown so much by watching these videos I've shown her. The abuse children receive from a narcissistic parent is awful and extremely traumatizing.. be proud of yourself and don't look back. I realizing I'm obsessive over the fact that I feel better knowing he's a narc my father but it doesn't cure the emptiness he caused and sometimes i think it's healthier for us to maybe look up more what disabilities disabilities may have given us dealing with them for so long. I hope your journey has been amazing and that you are in a better place in life today 🙂🙂
@@amandaramalho6609 why would your father keep her up? That is so crazy that’s a thing I have heard it many times and it was happening to me especially after having a baby man it was horrible but I’m just curious in your moms case what he would be doing all night alone or to her... positive thoughts only💖
It’s insane because I’ve thought about going on Dr. Phil about my ex a.k.a.Malignant narcissist that tried to kill me. As Dr. Phil said right down to a team, as I was trying to leave him and after I got away from him he got far worse
I am sooo sorry for your struggles.. I was married for 30+ years to a narcissist but didn't realize he was until after he left me
@@nicoleschmucker7584 My sons' wife would stay up after he went to bed with the tv up loud, then when she went to bed she would turn the light on and make noise to make sure she woke him up. During the night she would wake him up to talk, usually about something she said he did wrong to her during the day. She would go into rages, cry or whatever she could. Her excuse was, he didn't have a real job because it was part time. You won't believe what he did. He had to get up at 5 am to get to work in time to check his school bus out and drive kids to and from to school. He began to have health problems so he had to quit. She wasn't working so she could get up any time she wanted. They are still together. He is listening some to what I try to tell him about narcissism. He is no longer able to work due to health problems, so she is working. She cannot keep a job very long because she thinks she knows better than the boss and tries to tell them how to run their business. Take a wild guess what she does. She has a masters in psychology and is a counselor. He says people have told them she can really help some people. She has divorced him twice and they have married three times. No children, thank God. She won't have anything to do with me. When he has been in the hospital she calls my other son to let me know how he is. He is now allowed to visit his two nieces and nephew. He's not suppose to contact me or visit me, but he does occasionally. She has a grown daughter who won't have anything to do with her.
Mom was a 1st class narcissist but I didn't know it back then. Childhood was so bad that neither me or my sister had kids. We thought all Moms were like that and we didn't want to turn into one. I wish this info was available those days, we could have coped better I think.
My family too 3 kids ....as adults none of us had kids...we also did not nit want to repeat
Same
Julie Huggins: My mom too #1 Narc. I am 60 now and just realized recently she has a mental health problem. I thought I was the problem. Wish I had this info earlier in my life😢But knowing is empowering.
The best 60 minutes I have ever listened to in my 51 years of life. Married at 18 after being with a covert narcissist of a mother to marrying a covert narcissist. Time to set boundaries and be my own best friend as I am still in my marriage. Thankfully my 5 adult children don’t appear to have taken on their fathers ways, well all of them don’t have a relationship with him. Thanks Dr Phil, this clip has changed my life.
I salute you that you are still in the marriage. Thank God the children didn't take after him. They were probably wounded by him too.
I grew up with a covert narcissistic father who abused alcohol and an enabling mother. My heart goes out to others who are recovering from narcissistic abuse, we can heal.
Hugs 💜
I bloody hope we can
I have healed. But it was a long process.
Dr Phil, this is great. Please do more content on how to deal with toxic situations.
You leave once u know u go.
When you feel you would prefer being at work, and dread coming home to toxic environment, it's time to get out for your own health and sanity.
Covert narcissistic mothers are a specialised area. Their destruction of their own family is quite something. Please do a report on this Dr Phil…
My mother is a narci. And she sits high like a god who tries to control what you eat.i was the only one that stood up to her while no one else in the family did.she was the elephant in the room
It's so draining isn't it !!!!?
🎯
Yes please do. Im currently trying to save the only empath in that household
Do, please
You are saving the world buddy, one person at a time! Thank you!
My ex would fly into rages and always say it was my fault for saying “the wrong words” 🙄
My ex used to do something very similar. Don't ever let someone make you feel less than!
......Did we date the same person?
For sure, if i didn't say the wrong thing It was my tone! Always something, i was questioning my sanity? Exhaustion took it's toll, wanted to kill myself, apologizing everyday for? Idk. I got out just in time.
@@ceecee9430 You didn’t deserve that, I’m glad you got away. My ex moved out two months ago but with distance I’m realizing I spent the last 15 years tip toeing around her temper, her moods, submitting to keep the house peaceful for our kids. I’m done submitting, but I’m still afraid. I don’t think we’ve gotten to the dangerous part yet, where she realizes I’m not her servant anymore. Dobby is free. 🧦
I'm happy you're free
Anyone else doing a self-evaluation?
I’m reflecting on my own behaviors and the behaviors of the people around me. This video has made me just a little more secure in the decisions I’ve made towards some people in my life. Truly spot on!
Yeah, I recognised a (very) few in my own behaviour. 😳
Yep! Same. Lol Take comfort though in the fact that you are actually evaluating yourself -- as Dr. Phil said in the previous episode, narcissistic and BPD individuals don't think they need to fix anything or that anything is wrong.
You know it.. cos' WE have a conscience, therefore we use introspection a great deal. 🙏
If you don't reflect, you don't always know what you're putting out into the universe.
@@tariepark8342 I had b p d I knew I was off the wall.
This was a really good video. I especially felt touched by the few commenters who saw this within themselves and want to change because of it. That kind of courage can break generational curses.
I can only relate to everything that you are saying. Crazy how real this personality disorder is.
I was dating a narcissist for 8 months. I noticed I was apologizing all the time. He was a sad, wounded, depressed person. I felt bad for him. I stopped and started questioning everything. Once that happened it was over because it finally clicked and we started arguing a lot. I knew we weren't compatible and It wouldn't last.
I'm going through this right now as I type smh everything you said!
Same. Very draining and tiresome. No matter what we say/do, there's just always something that upsets them.
When I experienced it, I knew something's wrong as early as the first date, told me off the bat he's diagnosed as clinically depressed. Wearing it like a badge of honor and used it against me. Thank god for the lockdowns (2020), had an excuse to ditch him after a month.
Sending you hugs and love! 😌
Covert narcissistic parent will compliment you to others behind your back when they know that they are being assessed as a parent; they will assimilate a good parent's behavior. But they will never tell you to your face that you are good
My covert narc MIL was always complimentary about my husband behind his back to her nieces; but NEVER had a positive thing to say about him to his face. Only negative things.
My father took it a step further. He not only complimented me to others for my good grades, behind closed doors he'd tell me just how worthless I am.
Ronke Alao lol. Mine father was even worse. He disown me and made sure that I would get any inheritance, because I don't deserve it.
@@vg7985 classic!!!!
Very very rarely .. good job I’ve learnt to ignore the digs and the back stabbing. Playing the game now.
Just got out of a 13 month marriage after 4 years of breakups. Gave it everything I had and tried to fix every problem. She called me her forever man! Exhausting doesn't even begin say what it was. Now I'm her Forever Gone Man!
My biggest problem is I can't afford to leave and no where to go ..... on the streets .... done that 25 years ago not again..... friends no they all gone last one 4 days ago...
It's so crazy that this came out today after my wife and I got into a fight with my mom who displays a lot of this behavior. My mom plays the victim and blames everyone else around her and gaslights while making you feel guilty for trying to set boundaries. There's so much more I could say but this was a great thing to watch today and i'm going to really be taking some notes.
Agreed excellent episode.
Sounds like mil
I have an entire family like that! Only your Mom? You lucky kid! ;)
@@karenbatchelor2590 thats terrible
@@karenbatchelor2590 lol 🤣 I’m so sorry for you though! 😩 I was married to one for 20 years, thank god it’s over!
"by the time you get done arguing with a narcissist you will doubt your own damn name!" YES! At one time, I actually thought I was the one with the mental health issues. Hmmmmm.......they went away when he did. The one I lived with for 10 years had two engineering degrees (yes, two) and could not keep a job because everywhere he went someone would start arguments with him. Happened everywhere he went, but they were the problem. I was the working, supporting member of the family, but all of our financial problems were all my fault because I was not working hard enough. If I only could have seen then what I see now. This is such a good series.
My only sibling is a covert narcissist. She was sick as a child and I am certain she thrived on the special attention. She always played the needy victim and always reminded me of what great things I had in my life but she did not. She gave a lot of superficial complements to string people along, but would also give backhanded "compliments" that were hurtful and acted all innocent when called out. It came to a head when parents died when I did all the heavy lifting of dealing with their affairs, care, arrangements, etc. and she would be "too sad" to help. It boiled over for me a couple of times, I sought therapy, and my counselor met her and pointed it out to me. I have distanced myself from her, only acknowledging her on her bday, christmas, etc. I just don't deserve to be sucked dry anymore.
I've watched a lot of videos on narcissism. I honestly watched this one guardedly because I don't enjoy the show, but this was the best description of my mother I've ever heard, and of my 1st husband, because we sadly often marry what we're familiar with. I'm deeply empathetic. I believe that comes from having to be hyper vigilant regarding my mother's needs and moods as I grew up. It made me a magnet for the same types when I became a young adult. It' turned me into a people pleaser, just to keep conflict at bay in all parts of my life - at work, and in my personal life. It took me a long time to recognize it and hard work to deal with it, but I have.
My sister is a text book covert, even her doctor noticed and called her out on it. Listen to the stories the covert tells you. My sister tells a story and in the same exact story, she's the hero and the victim. Its very weird. My sister thinks she the " misunderstood special person."
👏👏👏
Hope you're okay. So 😥.
@@thecarpenter2599 I'm wonderful, thank you. No contact with my sister for about 5 yrs. Life is so much better
Mine too!!
SHE IS BATSHIP CRAZY..THEY ALL ARE..
" Do you feel worst about yourself after you have been around them then you did before you where around them ? "
WOW I am sure going to take that sentence with me!
Thank you 🙏
I feel like it takes a lesser conscious mind to only realize that sentence now.
Like a lack of observation of your own feelings all this time.
I don’t know you btw, this is just a frickin comment.
just don't make it a witch hunt, people hit those traps too.
As if I have to explain the toxicity of being in their presence 🙃
Yes, mommy dearest!
Yes, ALWAYS be aware of how you feel, including your body!
I was raised by a narcissist, and ended up in a relationship with a narcissist later in life. The similarities in their personalities was uncanny. Needless to say that was one of the shortest relationships I'd ever had! I done a runner 🏃♂️ lol
So cleaver from you!
I have been married to my covert narcissist for 28 yrs.. I have stood by him through 2 alcoholic treatment centers, I went to the family programs, and of course thought I could fix him!! Not happening in my world.
He started drinking once AGAIN, and called me horrible names in front of our son.. It not only hurt me, but it hurt our son who is 27 yrs. old..
I told him I was leaving for a couple of days, and that we could talk when he was sober!! I haven't heard anything from him, and he told my brother he was going to see an attorney today! I guess I'm getting divorced!!
Thank you Dr. Phil for having this pod cast.. I just found it and listened to it, and now I know for sure I CAN'T FIX HIM!!
It hurts, and I know it is hurting our son, but he can't be helped, he doesn't want help, he just wants to wallow in his own self pity..
I haven’t even watched this yet-but the covert Narc can really do a number on you. They are so manipulative, many times on a subconscious level-you end up trauma bonded and searching years for answers about what’s going on. I’m. It sure you ever get past doubting your own reality afterwards.
You can, but it takes being willing to dig in and do the healing work.
I would have to say Dr Phil, that a relationship with a narcissist was one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in life. I've not just met one I've met a few, and I have found that no matter who they are blood or friends the best thing is distance. With that distance meaning no contact I have found peace. It is not the easiest thing to do but it is the healthiest thing to do if you can do it ❤️
True
Demoralizing to find out that the person that you thought you fell in love with never existed.
I think my husband is a covert narc. Listening to this makes me feel anxious and my stomach hurts
You cannot help a covert narcissist. You could know them half your life and never realize it till you are with them in a relationship. Worst experience of my life 😞 They are your mirror. When all is said and done you realized you have had a relationship with yourself until they leave and then the true self emerges. Stay strong this shall pass. 🙏🏻
I have found that one group of people - alcoholics- are often narcissists. I was married to one, and grew up with one. Al-anon has taught me an important tool: the q-tip-“quit taking it personally.” I know that the narcissism was basically a form of dysfunction. It wasn’t about me; it was about them.
I ended up having panic attacks dealing with a narcissist it started with his threats of suicide. I had to go to no contact.
I love how he called himself out as sometimes a possible narcissist when it comes to professionalism and a career. We all have a bit of narcissism in us.
It's the age of narcissism. You have to have something, that you regard as the highest. If it's not truly God...
Yes, we all are a mix of everything
@@ari55a you’re right 😊
Yes to a degree, someone said it best that if you are in survival mode you will display narc traits it has been studied that during famine in Ukraine parents even ate their kids
@@leahflower9924 in the moments of fear, epinephrine floods the bloodstream. Causing all of these physiological changes in the body. Thus, putting us in the moment of flight fight freeze mode. Do we run, do we hide, do we fight back defend or freeze? In desperation of hard times, we will cannibalize in order to survive.
I think one of the sneakiest ways that narcissist's undermine their victims, is to suggest that, if you disagree with them or are choosing to do something different from what they want, it's because someone else has influenced you to go against them. In this, they are telling you, "You aren't smart enough to decide anything for yourself. You have to have your mind made up for you."
Thanks for letting me know that there are people like this because I think I married one and they pulled me in because I had caring heart we had a son about 40 years ago she had a grandauthet that was killed and we hadn't been together or communicating for a long time and she call me and me being me I answered she was crying and upset fell in and now I'm seeing and paying for it and we've been married for about 4years and seeing everything thing that your saying is true I'm starting to get my self and head together to remove myself from the grammar before it's to late. Thankyou keep it coming.
A narc don't make decisions on their own if they come from a family of narc they work together I experienced it
I was literally told exactly this by my narc.
Omg so relatable!!!!😔😔😔😔😔😔😔
My grandmother who is a narc does this and I didn’t realize until now.
Never said “ I love you !”
Because now I know he didn’t love me !
He pursued me to get what I had to offer him.
Thank you! I have a family member like this. Her issues are the only ones that are prominent. It is very tiring dealing with her. I just let it go. Truthfully I get tired of lifting them up. I also notice they are very good at taking credit for things they didn't do to make themselves look good. Very informative 👏
I said yes to every single question you asked about this. I just found out 2 and a half years ago I'm married to a Covert Narcissist. I'm working on getting out. After 24 years of marriage and 29 years together I can't take anymore of the mental, emotional abuse.
I can definitely relate to what you said. I am trying to escape too.
Marie: I hope you left and are doing better now
You can do it!
You can do it. You are strong and put in the work to understand it. Life is short and better with people that appreciate you!
Hope you're out by now, Marie. You deserve a decent life not controlled by a narcissistic partner. Hang in there and keep fighting to be free of narcissistic abuse.
Thank you for doing this Dr Phil.. the more we know, the better our armor.
You need the armour of Yeshua aka Jesuz!!!
Thank you Dr Phil. I just just lost my other half through almost 100% to what you said. I tried so hard. 10 years down the drain. She literally walked out of my life and literally less 48 hours into another guy. I am finding it hard to get over it. Even the fact the relationship wasn't sweet peas and sunshine. I always had a feeling we would part ways. But it still hurts
She did you a favor. I pray God reveal this truth to you sooner than later.
Sorry Martin, I'm sorry you are still hurting. But let me tell you something that you will not understand now, but you will remember. Around 36 years ago I found out my husband was cheating on me and we had a 13 month old babygirl...my world fell apart. I left him and divorced him immediately. I felt like someone had dropped an atomic bomb on my heart, I was only 23 years old. But let me tell you Mr. Martin.....BEST BLESSING EVER!!!!! I am so very serious, I am 59 now and that was seriously one of the best things (one of top 3) that has ever happened to me, and I truly do mean that. He turned out to be an extremely horrible person and in prison for hurting little ones, his own step children....5 of them. One of my friends, his wife that he had 2 sons with was caught cheating with their 16 year old next door neighbor...so he divorced her. And now guess what...she's in prison and he married a wonderful women and truly did love him with all her heart.
Don't ever forget...God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. I could go on and on with story like these...I call them....Beauty for Ashes...that's what God gives us.
God bless.
Your blessed trust me
I always wondered why I didn't have the kind of marriage where I felt cherished and cared for. I heard other women talk about the things their spouses did spontaneously to just show them how they cared--like having a cup of coffee ready for them at breakfast, or going out in the cold to scrape the ice off their windsheild. Mine did nice things, but they always seemed to benefit him or make him happy. Almost never was there a time when we went to eat Chinese that I really enjoyed because he didn't like it. I knew not to even ask because if he did give in he made me miserable the whole time. He's a blamer, a shame, and nothing is ever ever his fault and there is never an apology. He raged a lot early in our marriage and there were dents in walls and doors. When challenged about his anger, he would tell me I caused it. But, there were times he was very sweet, too. He was very dependable in making a living, had few vices such as smoking/drinking. I never doubted his fidelity. I remember telling a friend at about the 20 year mark that he just didn't seem the ability to love me as much as I loved him. I learned how to avoid most of his triggers and it worked fairly well until the child arrived. He expected the child to just know things that kids have to be taught and would become angry and say things like, "How could you/he not know such a simple thing?" Their relationship became filled with anger and conflict during child's teen years. I cried and apologized a lot more Nthan he ever did. I accepted two things to be facts: 1. He was unable to love big enough, but he loved me as much as he was able. 2. My failures were why he was less nice to me than I saw other spouses be. I felt not good enough, not as smart, but because I was shy by nature I need his strength. For 50 years I've been too sensitive, not understood why his jokes that hurt weren't funny. I was often embarrassed by how he didn't care what other people thought. Even when we had guests in our home (which became more and more rare early on) he felt free to disappear to the back room and read the paper and leave me at the table to visit with them--because he was done eating, he just left. After he had a stroke it got exponentially worse. It was as if what amount of impulse control he might have had previously just disappeared. And everything in our life was about how he felt. If we went to the store we were done when he got tired, not when I was finished. Nothing I did was good enough. The food I cooked didn't taste right. And as I got less tolerant of his attitude, any challenge was met with, "Well, who gives a damn what I say...it's going to be wrong no matter what! (It was once again all my fault he was in a bad mood). We are senior adults now, married over 50 years now, and leaving just isn't an option for either of us. I finally found an explanation for why he is as he is and why I've never been enough: he is a covert narcissist. I only discovered this label a month ago, and I've finally quit trying to please. He's still grumpy and still tries to rage at me, but now I just ignore it. I quit talking to him because he picks every sentence apart to start a "fight". I go do my own thing in the back room and don't look to him for any approval, help, or anything. Things are much calmer this new way of dealing with him, but it's depressing to think I"m too old to ever know what it's like to be truly cherished or to be good enough. I just have to figure out how to avoid conflict and dodge the put-downs and rages from here on out. I've tried to figure out what happened during his childhood to make him like this. The best I can conclude is that he had a mentally challenged brother but his mother would never admit that and expected the siblings to pretend with her that he was normal. She expected my husband to include him in his friendships and activities and blamed him for not protecting his unattractive socially and academically backward brother who was only a year younger. The mother always favored the younger, made excuses for him, and downplayed the normal siblings' achievements so as not to hurt her "poor Bobby's" feelings. I assume my husband grew up never getting the attention or approval that he deserved/wanted and that's how he became a covert narcissist.
I was with a covert narcissist for 9 years in a ‘romantic’ relationship. He would regularly put me down, threaten to kill or hurt my puppy, and had me convinced there was truly something wrong with me, that I was ‘wrong’ in my mind and soul, crazy, etc. I even went to my doctor for some brain tests so I could ensure and tell my ex that there was ‘nothing wrong’ as he’d had me wondering. He physically hurt me, in sly ways. He never punched or hit me, he would do things like shove his fist in my thigh and when I’d cringe and tell him he was hurting me and to stop, he would say ‘There’s no way this hurts, I’m using no pressure’, trip me while laughing, hold my arm behind my back and say how easy it would be to break my elbow, and pretend he was about to, and gently tug against the joints; he almost dislocated my thumb while we were ‘goofing off’, intentional to have been pulling against my joints when goofing off turned into a massive power trip for him. He almost dislocated my shoulder when showing how ‘strong’ he was, but stopped before causing serious harm. I was so confused on if I was being physically abused, as he’d say ‘I’m just joking/How can this hurt? I’m using zero pressure/You need to get stronger’ etc. It was all about the mental games, and control. I don’t think he set out to hurt me badly, but definitely set out to break me down, which he did; until I finally began talking to someone about what was going on, and it took me a few years to develop the confidence and the detailed plan to leave. I was so strong, confident, happy before him. That light slowly faded in the 9 years I was with him. Out for 2 years, and my confident self is mostly back. I feel a bit like damaged goods. But, I know I am not.
I was with a.covert narcissist for 49 years! At first I used to cry to think anyone could treat me so Good! I got pregnant right away, and then the abuse started! I tried to get rid of him many times through the years but he’d be so nice and I’d take him back! He cheated on me , threaten to kill my beloved dog, spit on me, threatened to kill my family & friends, beat me many times, wasn’t a very good provider but we managed. I stayed with him till the end, not out of Love, but fear! Also, the kids didn’t want me to leave him sick with Cancer! The Love had been gone for at least 20 years! I had hoped he would get better, but he didn’t, he got worse! When he died last month, when the EMT’s pronounced him DEAD all I felt was relief!! The lump in my throat is gone, and I am no longer walking on egg shells!!
You finally have peace and I’m happy for you. It’s been 46 years for me and I’m seriously considering leaving even at my age because whether it’s 10 years or 20 years of life left for me I’d love some peace. No walking on eggshells, knowing how little money’s in the bank lol because it would be hard without his salary but worth it I do believe. I hope you have many years of happiness and enjoyment of life.
Glad you are free now. Horrid behaviour. Had similar, lots of gaslight behaviour. 9 years before I felt relatively normal again. The fog, confusion and bewilderment of it all. These people are all killjoys and soul destroyers. Stay safe.
I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist and he pretty much destroyed my life! 😒 Very good video Dr Phil. I hope if anyone out there is involved with one they will RUN in the opposite direction and RUN FAST!
God friends and family are what are helping me now. Mine happened a month ago from a decade commitment. Just remember what ever bad happened, something good will happen after.
That's exactly what I said...RUN!
Seeing you speaking from your heart.... OMG I can't find a way to thank you for what you've done for me and many other people. Your words put tears in my already opened eyes. Thanks a lot
This was an INCREDIBLE video Dr. Phil!! Thank you soooo very much for making this and for spending a lot of time detailing each section. Really gave me true insight. I am excited to hear what else you have on your channel. Thank you again!
I just recently divorced my first narcissist found out late..never knew what it was or why he was acting the way he was now I know been educating myself ever since they are evil 😈 people
Lisa A. Romano is a great YT channel! 👍 she's helped me tremendously.
Being discarded and told I'm worthless after I bent over backwards hit my self esteem so hard. Nothing like someone talking you into a relationship to then be lied on, lied to, lies lies lies saying they are your victim then the discard like you are the bad one when it was them!!
It's double standards. They go and do what they complain about. They're allowed to, not you tho..
They HATE their own medicine. It's like YOU don't even like what you do how is ANYONE on this planet suppose to like it..
Yep! You just described exactly what I went through. The most traumatic experience I’ve ever gone through.
@@robwilliams239 it is awful. Being discarded is not a gift.. in the end you learn a valuable lesson, hopefully vow to never let anyone treat you badly again... But it's truely a discusting act.
@@becca7038 it’s the fact that it was NEVER real. It was a lie from the start.
@@robwilliams239 I'm sorry someone did that to you....
My mother was a covert narcissist. I was her target most of my life. I remember when I brought home a good report card for the first time. I was in tenth grade. I handed it to her expecting her to be excited and proud of my work. Instead, she became angry and started belittling me. The things she said should have never been said to a child. It crushed my soul or what was left of it and from that point on, I slept through all my classes. I never picked up another pencil. Any interest I had was shot down and ignored. I wanted to be an artist but was told I didn't have talent. My mother once pulled a butcher knife on me because I called her out on faking heartattacks. So many stories...
Oh, I can imagine your life. I have narc. sister, and to grow up next to her was horror. She never act like older sister of 4 years older, never protecting me just the opposite was truth. I was happy when she wasn't home. Well, I will not go to details but it wasn't good. Then when she has her own children it was another horror stories. She has 3 beautiful girls but they suffer.
Thank you dr Phil. I now know I was married to a narcissist. I am so glad that I walked away considering the fact I was told I would be worthless for anybody else
Yes! Not wanting to go to events where the narcissist isn’t the center of attention. My mother has ruined my high school graduation, college graduation, band and choir concerts, every single birthday, every single holiday season… she even ruined the day I took the SAT because she couldn’t stand to see me be accepted to college and succeed in life.
Soooo sorry you went through that , I felt your pain ... My mother even tried to BE WITH my very first boyfriend 😟
I was married to one for 29 years. Now im divorced for 7 years and having peace of mind.
Thank you Dr Phil, we are all listening. God Bless you and your family 🙏
THIS is exactly what we're going through! Rescue keeps you on that line. They have anger just below the surface. It's always there. They believe that they are unique unicorns. Their problems are greater than yours. Their needs are more important than yours.
I hope you talk about narcissist fathers, how to deal with them, how to recover from their abuse and when it's time to just walk away. I would also like to know what PTSD looks like in an adult child of a narcissist. Thank you for talking about this topic!
Needing the same thing. Realized recently (in my 50s) that I’m my Dad’s “punching bag”. Rest of the family is more than happy to keep things that way so he doesn’t direct his behavior at them.
Jan Snyder Unfortunately, I had highly narcissistic parents and other family members etc when I was a child and want to let you know that there's a lot of videos on this subject, if you put it in the search bar. I'm thinking that you might prefer ones by Dr Phil though, which is understandable. ❤
I have PTSD from a narcissist father. I've had 10 years of therapy. I hope God deals with those people accordingly.
Yes, also would like to hear about narcissistic fathers, their effects on their children especially when covert narcissists gain custody of children through manipulation and lies to the court system. How to have a relationship with your children while they are living with the narcissist and how to navigate getting your children back.
great point. My concerns are for my adult son who is trying to deal with his narcissistic father. (my ex) watching him struggle trying to be validated by his father is just so painful to watch. I'm re living the anguish as he tries.
* please do an episode on narcissistic mothers. I see a few traits here; but as I understand there are many different ways they operate.
Thank you, this was the best explanation, real examples and great insights that were clear yo understand.
I am learning so much. Thank you Dr. Phil.
All my own counseling never addressed my low self esteem and feelings of worthless and half crazy from being married to a Jeckle and Hyde
Narcissistic jerk for 20 years. My poor children saw a lot of fighting. He was passive aggressive and I’d become even madder when he’d walk off. I could never be heard or be right.
After 43 years with my narcissist I'm in a 17 year trial this Sept 2022. They never quit and blame you for everything and use the children as a shield against you over and over like cowards.
Dear Dr Phil, you are 100% correct. The soon to be ex narc in my life is this identity to a tee!!!!
I love you and all you do. This is a need for people that grew up empathetic because it truly has been a big part of me, of who I am, (bait, right?).
My narcissists ex husband didn't want me to have needed neck surgery, he was a big cause of the damage. When I went in for surgery he went camping and was gone for almost a week and still did nothing to help me when he got back. Come to find out he went camping with another woman.
If it wasn't about him it was totally unnecessary. He also developed a mean streak so wide, I never knew a human could be so mean and evil. Dr. Phil has repeated a whole lot of what my ex would say and do to me.
Coming back from a narcissist took me over two years of therapy and I am still struggling with PTSD.
Hang in there. You are a survivor. You share your experience. It helps others. A double payoff.
Love and blessings to you.♥️
“How people treat me is more about them than it is about me.”
Dr. Phil's confidence is so powerful. It is beautiful. WOW...
Thx for this. SPOT ON. His therapist said to him (in my presence): you have the capacity to give a compliment but make it sound like an insult. And that summed it up. Everything about them is “off”.
You’ve described my 102 year old mother perfectly. She’s in perfect health, and openly admits she’ll never die because the world needs more talented, creative AND beautiful people like her. Ugh! She was a horrible mother, who drove us all cRaZy. Thanks for describing narcissism so well.
They are funny in a certain way… They act like a 2y old. … terrible bizarre
Wow! is it a thing that Narcissist don't die at a normal age, like they live longer than most of awesome people?
I see good people die at 60's and 50's but narcs are all alive at 99.
Thank you universe for clarity, no matter when it comes.
@@mearaftadewos8508, I have noticed that myself. It seems the nice and kind people pass away way to early, but narcs. live like forever.
Oh yes, been there. My mother was "the smartest" and "knew everything"....till the day she died. My mother(s) were school friends moms that were so kind!
Dr Phil: you are describing many pastors of hyper fundamentalist churches, and most corporate CEOs I’ve worked with the past 30 years. And, you’re spot on - these are extremely insecure people who are starved for affirmation and will behave as outrageously as necessary for attention. Very enlightening episode!
How does one get delivered from this person when you don’t have Christian grounds for a divorce when there is no cheating?
@@tishshamiller Lifesaving divorce for Christians/ Gretchen Baskerville/Facebook
@@tishshamiller scriptural grounds for divorce as you seek them are infidelity and abandonment. Someone can live in the same house as you but have abandoned you years ago. The original letter of divorce given to Moses was for the we'll-bring & protection of the woman.
Whoa you touched on a big topic mentioning the fundamentalist churches. I completely agree. I thought it was just me who noticed.
Robby, I experienced this with an independent Baptist minister. He was a flirt and told his wife, I was after him. My code of conduct as a Christian woman is to never flirt or date a separated or married man. (I mean this because I was the wife of a cheater over 30 years. My former husband made good money and we had a nice lifestyle. I was earning less than $10 per hour and couldn't support myself.)
This man said from the pulpit how much he loved his truck, his family and his wife. I believe he did what he did to show his wife he was still attractive to women. I got to the point, I emphasized with his wife because I saw what she was going through. We couldn't be friends because she had her own click of women in the church. I tried to be included but it never happened. After almost a decade, I left and went to a non denomination church. They were loving, kind and treated me as an equal. I stayed at this church until my Pastor was fired. He was a great man of God. I feel after watching this man of God tell anyone on RUclips; it was his age, 77. My gosh, how old was Rev. Billy Graham? I can't remember how old he was when he quit preaching, he was on fire for God.
I'm now told the first Preacher I mentioned doesn't talk about how much he loves his truck, his family and his wife. All that was done to lift up his wife while he did what he did best--flirt. When I started looking for a good church; I made sure they weren't independent Baptist. They are controlling and their word was law.
Well, I've explained one person in my life that is a narcissist. I'm an empath and it seems I'm a magnet for these people.
Hearing your truth is knowing that another person experienced NPD and survived and went on to flourish. Thank You !
I have just left a 29 year marrage with my narcissist. Spot on Dr. Phil. I have been free for 23 days. It took moving heaven and earth to make the move happen. Being the single hardest thing I have ever done, and will have many more difficult days ahead to get through, all worth it. For any future podcasts, the topic of how to leave, logistics, resources. Basicly a how to leave safely.
I'm so happy the topic of narcissism is being actively talked about right now. I wish I knew all of this when I was a teen and it's just now, being 27 years old and married to a narcissist with a common child, I found out who narcissists are
Same! 25 years just learned about Narcissism about 8 months ago
55 for me 😕
35 years here......hard to see them as "narcissistic" if they aren't the overt type...Coverts are life destroyers.
@@Suzu52 yes they are.
35 also. Prayers, love, and strength to all here. Dr. Ramani and Rebecca Zung are experts on this topic. Rebecca Zung from a legal perspective.
My mother is covert narcissist. I have had to create a no contact relationship with her because the relationship was so toxic, and painful, past and recent my brother is the golden boy and is a sociopath
You are discribing my husband, of 25 years, perfectly! He is 81. I am 71. It was brought to my attention a few years ago, although, I saw signs from the beginning. Now I have a name for it and a plan of action. I wondered why members of his family went from loving me and loving us getting married to despising me and barely speaking to me. He was spending his time discrediting me because they loved me. I see it all now. But I haven’t allowed it to define me, but, for too long, I felt like I was crazy. I told him I am calling him out when I hear him lie about others to make himself feel superior and I have done it several times. No matter who was present. He was furious, so takes his phone conversations outside now. At least I don’t have to hear them. And most family members know and love me again. Thank you for teaching us and for your empathy for those of us who are in these situations.
OH MY GOD. When you said a narcissist says you need to toughen up. My husband has told me that I am to sensitive I need to toughen up for years and years. I did not know anything about narcissism but I did know that there was something wrong in our relationship. Every family holiday or reunion that I wanted to go to he would ruin it. Usually a huge fight and I would miss it. And of course it was my fault because I need my family more than him. He should be enough for me and I should be grateful he married me. OMG I actually felt scared when you said that. I have no idea how to leave he would never allow it. I am just torn apart with this series. Thank you Dr Phil for doing these podcasts
Yup. Narcs love little rhetorical jabs like that. Toughen up, it's not a big deal, it's your fault, I do everything around here, on and on. Even if you take one of those statements and point out why they're objectively incorrect or give an example of why they're incorrect, halfway through telling them that, they're just going to throw another one at you. It's just vocal hooks and you can't take the bait. You state the obvious reality of their wrongdoing, tell them there are boundaries, and keep repeating that until they stop or walk away. Although you should speak to them like an adult obviously, try to view narcs with temporary lenses as upset, pouting, spoiled, entitled, angry children. Makes much more sense that way, and deep down, that's who you really are dealing with.
First of all my deepest condolences over growing up with a covert narcissistic father. I have spent the last 3,5 years with one and it nearly cost me my life more than once. You also helped me realise my whole family are narcissists; my grandmother, mother, aunt and probably even uncle. Second, WOW! I see why you're famous Dr. McGraw, I have researched covert narcissism the last 2 years and this is the first video that explained it so well with examples that I could tick all the boxes and FINALLY understand and have piece of mind. Thank you, sweet doctor, this helped me more than the therapy I'm in.
Amazing how you hit the nail on the head about all the behaviors and traits of the evil, demon, narcissists. Well done.
Yup, spot on! This is my MIL. Can't think of a single thing I actually like about her. My husband can't think of anything positive she did for him when he was growing up or as an adult.
My covert Narcissist ex husband started out wanting to "save me" from poverty. Love bombed me and gave me everything I ever imagined I wanted. Then when he was done with me he literally left me for dead. After he made sure I was totally dependent on him he left me, with no income and even had the utilities turned off. Then went around telling everyone what an awful person I was.
Wow
I'm very sorry for what U went through...I'm so sorry! No one deserves that type of damaging treatment. Glad U got away...and even if it takes years to regain some strength, U can work on rebuilding your life...It's never too late to build a new life and start all over again, for as long as it takes. Hope U find good people to surround yourself with in your life...Blessings!
I was married to a violent one and finally got away after 23 yrs. Then I met hubby #2. He spoiled me he was attentive he made me feel so special. He pushed for marriage really hard. It only took one month to see the wolf I married. I ran from him after 11 yrs. I was never broken but was bloody and beat. I never heard of Narcissist. But they both were and now in my Senior years I hear of this. I already knew something was really wrong with number 2 as he is on 7th or 8th wife. But I still was plotting ways to hurt the 1st and had so much trauma from it but once I found this out I thought how can I hate someone who is mentally ill. Phew it lifted that yuck feeling and now when I think of him I don’t go there as I stay clear of mental patients.
They use financial control. It’s a common control tactic of the narcissist. They come in the “super hero” and use it against you.
And then I bet he told you how much $ you owed him for everything he ever paid for!
OMG! Again your insight about me loving myself and understanding that the problems are about them and NOT ME!!!!
Thank you so much !!!!❤️
Your incredible. I’ve been watching you for years. This narcissistic abuse is so bad. I wish I contacted you years ago. Bless you for your research.