Attachment styles are learned responses for emotional safety. "Do not tear down a fence unless you know why it was put up". Also...do not tear down another person's fence! It's not your fence! Stand on the other side of their fence. Stand firm, and tall, and be patient. That is security. That is trust and intimacy. I guess what attachment theory says though is that anxious people have a really little fence they like to step over, and avoidants have a giant fence where they may have trouble seeing you. I don't want to run to far with the metaphor...ugh.
I love this analogy! Having your fence and standing strong is secure. If someone steps over their fence and tries to bulldoze your own, you enforce that boundary. At the same time, if someone has a high fortress, there is only so much you can do. You can’t forcefully fix everyone’s fence, they have to be willing to do that on their own.
heidi! appreciating the very frequent uploads recently - been learning a lot and your explanation is one of the clearest on this platform. thank you for your effort and generous sharing
I am showing up for myself in a better way and I feel (and have had confirmation) that I’m being a better friend and partner based on the things I’ve learned specifically in this channel. Thank you. ❤
Heidi your videos, in particular attachment theory and love languages and self love, helped me piece everything together about where i went wrong and understanding who I am moving forward. Oh and I'm also an ENFP. These videos are game changing. Thanks for everything you do!
These “codependent anonymous” groups online can be full of so much judgement. A lot of people on these groups don’t even know you like your therapist does. So just watch out for those that put labels on you or misconstrue your words. (It almost feels like a debate/contest for who’s the better person.) that’s why I keep my healing journey to myself and my therapist now💜
Heidi, thank you for all your videos. They helped me to recognize that I feared abandonment, had low self-esteem, expected external soothing all my life. Now I can start to do sg about it.
Heidi you are an intelligent and insightful angel! I thank you very much for these regular and consistent videos. Bringing awareness to the fact that I can change my life for the better to make my life better. For so many, MANY years I focused on my partner's faults and weaknesses. I struggled to get THEM to change. I was projecting my feelings onto them and blaming them for the way our relationship was. Then I reread the Dalai Lama's quote, "Be the change you wish to see on the world". I had a complete revelation. If I wanted things to change I had to be the one to change them IN MYSELF! AND I had to keep being that change NO MATTER how the other person behaved or acted. It is not an easy journey, but it is definitely worth it. With you as a reputable guide, I am navigating these rough spots in my life and finding a path out of my "misery". Thank you for all you do and please continue your work. It is making a difference and is appreciated. ❤️
I LOVE that you said this! So often people believe that some present moment pattern is stuck. I believe even personality tests have people believe " This is who I am" instead of useful information to work with a change if you wish. Oh, I must remember this: "YOU DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER OTHER PEOPLE AND YOU SHOULD NOT TRY TO HAVE CONTROL OVER OTHER PEOPLE." I can remember in the past in times when I felt that I was under great stress ( now I see that it was my own thinking about what was in my circumstances that created the strss) that my mind went into flight and I just cut myself off from situations and people ( because I was afraid of losing myself) and did not feel bad a out it or feel a need to explain it because it made sense to me in my head. I can recall 3 specific times that I did this that hurt people by causing disappointment and confusion. Funny that I am not one to say that I have any regrets but these 3 memories are the biggest regrets of my life. I've heard that our biggest regrets are the pain that we cause to others. In the back of my mind, I use these mistakes as ways to justify holding myself back and telling myself at I do not deserve to I've a happy life, saying yes to what I want. So I can use this as a beginning. I think maybe I could not let it go be abuse I did not have a deep understanding of why I did that so I could not guarantee that I would not do it again. But with understanding and practicing self management I can put myself in situations that may in the past cause fear of engulfing and loss of self and I can make different choices. 💯 Thank you Heidi! ❤
I am rewatching your series on Attachment theory from the beginning so that i can take notes and create a self-help guide on healing attachment wounds for myself. this series is so helpful. i cant thank u enough heidi!!
Thank you so much for all your insight and compassion! I have been working on healing my anxious attachment tendencies for a while it feels like, but only really trying for the past two months or so and it's so FREAKING HARD and TEDIOUS (sometimes) and a lottle bit painful! But your model of patience and love for yourself on your journey has been super inspiring. So thank you!!!!
It is truly the hardest, most tedious and most challenging self-work I've ever done. With the greatest reward. I hope you're proud of yourself for all of the work you're putting into the process - long before the major results start pouring in, a strong and stable sense of self-trust begins to build and that's an incredible reward in and of itself. Which is to say, you may already be further along than you think you are. ❤️
Applaud to you! Your videos are so incisive and you articulate thoughts and ideas very well! I've really grown to love them. Thank you for making such great works!
lol I was obsessed with a DA man and my first thoughts were, "How do i use attachment theory to win him over and get him to like me more" And "How can I change my personality into the personality he'd like" which is obviously not good.
Thank you so much, learning about attachment has made me believe I can get better❤ All my life I played different roles, I learned that I was safe and wouldn't get in trouble if I was who people wanted/needed me to be. I lost myself totally, now I'm trying to get back to the "me" that's been hidden all these years. It also felt safer to be a false self, then it wouldn't really be me they rejected. I'm trusting carefully step by step now. While I try not to get too demotivated by setbacks, even when something goes wrong I'm learning 😅 If you read this, whoever you are I wish you inner strength and a joyous future ✨️
I really liked this video, because it talks about how to balance responsibility and self care, instead of only focusing on one which usually leads to unbalanced results (swinging between selfishness and selflessness)
Love your videos and the insight on every one of them. I've been struggling with a relationship for a couple of years, where everything is going smoothly at first, until my girlfriend starts to drift apart and becoming more and more distant from our relashionship, and then that, i begin to try to find out the reasons why and giving increasing signs that I'm worried about what's going on, and maybe putting a bit of a pressure on top of it. And this is a recurring situation, as we have in and out of our relashionship for quite a few times. She invariably says she needs some time to sort herself out and that she gets the feeling that she doesn't need someone in her life, and also that doesn't believe she's worthy of someone caring and loving her that way, and leaving me in an almost emotional void, not giving any signs of her feelings. And me, I'm relaxed as long as everything is right and we stay connected, but at the first warning sign, i get anxious if it could be the same situation or she finally had enough of trying and is definitely giving up. Could this be the case of me beeing the Anxious type and her more of the Avoidant one? We are now going through that again, the only difference is this time she still asks me to come over her place but there's a lack of closeness and intimacy nevertheless. From your videos I can find some very good resembles in the way we get to connect over time, witch means that I could, in a fairly confident way assume we could fit in those categories. Having some ideia on how to cope with that person and myself included, would be a good starting point. It's a situation that leads to a lots of emotional and physical stress and everytime gets to be harder to find the will to fight the way through it.
Hi! Thank you so much for your videos! They truly help me :-) I have a question.... If you have the impression that a person around you has a certain attachment style and that may be a reason for certain argument situations, is it okay to tell them / educate them about that or would that be inappropriate? :) Others are welcome to tell me about their point of view too! Thank you so much!
Thanks for this video! "When you know better you have a responsibility to do better" is a quote I try to tell people when I let them know the truth about the meat, dairy, and egg industries as a vegan animal rights activist. It's also a value I live by and the world would be a better place if everyone did
I have a bunch of mental disorders and 2x insecure attachment. Not sure if you considered the possibility yet. I guess the main way of changing attachment styles is moving toward security. Is attachment theory the opposite and problem focused approach to alpha and sigma characteristics?
Attachment styles are learned responses for emotional safety. "Do not tear down a fence unless you know why it was put up". Also...do not tear down another person's fence! It's not your fence! Stand on the other side of their fence. Stand firm, and tall, and be patient. That is security. That is trust and intimacy. I guess what attachment theory says though is that anxious people have a really little fence they like to step over, and avoidants have a giant fence where they may have trouble seeing you. I don't want to run to far with the metaphor...ugh.
I love this analogy! Having your fence and standing strong is secure. If someone steps over their fence and tries to bulldoze your own, you enforce that boundary. At the same time, if someone has a high fortress, there is only so much you can do. You can’t forcefully fix everyone’s fence, they have to be willing to do that on their own.
heidi! appreciating the very frequent uploads recently - been learning a lot and your explanation is one of the clearest on this platform. thank you for your effort and generous sharing
I am showing up for myself in a better way and I feel (and have had confirmation) that I’m being a better friend and partner based on the things I’ve learned specifically in this channel. Thank you. ❤
Heidi your videos, in particular attachment theory and love languages and self love, helped me piece everything together about where i went wrong and understanding who I am moving forward. Oh and I'm also an ENFP. These videos are game changing. Thanks for everything you do!
These “codependent anonymous” groups online can be full of so much judgement. A lot of people on these groups don’t even know you like your therapist does. So just watch out for those that put labels on you or misconstrue your words. (It almost feels like a debate/contest for who’s the better person.) that’s why I keep my healing journey to myself and my therapist now💜
Heidi, thank you for all your videos. They helped me to recognize that I feared abandonment, had low self-esteem, expected external soothing all my life. Now I can start to do sg about it.
Heidi you are an intelligent and insightful angel! I thank you very much for these regular and consistent videos. Bringing awareness to the fact that I can change my life for the better to make my life better.
For so many, MANY years I focused on my partner's faults and weaknesses. I struggled to get THEM to change. I was projecting my feelings onto them and blaming them for the way our relationship was.
Then I reread the Dalai Lama's quote, "Be the change you wish to see on the world". I had a complete revelation. If I wanted things to change I had to be the one to change them IN MYSELF! AND I had to keep being that change NO MATTER how the other person behaved or acted.
It is not an easy journey, but it is definitely worth it. With you as a reputable guide, I am navigating these rough spots in my life and finding a path out of my "misery".
Thank you for all you do and please continue your work. It is making a difference and is appreciated. ❤️
Your story is not too dissimilar to my own! I am so proud of us both ❤️
I have just discovered your channel and wish I had done so before and saved myself a lot of pain and struggle. Stay blessed.
I LOVE that you said this! So often people believe that some present moment pattern is stuck.
I believe even personality tests have people believe " This is who I am" instead of useful information to work with a change if you wish.
Oh, I must remember this:
"YOU DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER OTHER PEOPLE AND YOU SHOULD NOT TRY TO HAVE CONTROL OVER OTHER PEOPLE."
I can remember in the past in times when I felt that I was under great stress ( now I see that it was my own thinking about what was in my circumstances that created the strss) that my mind went into flight and I just cut myself off from situations and people ( because I was afraid of losing myself) and did not feel bad a out it or feel a need to explain it because it made sense to me in my head. I can recall 3 specific times that I did this that hurt people by causing disappointment and confusion. Funny that I am not one to say that I have any regrets but these 3 memories are the biggest regrets of my life. I've heard that our biggest regrets are the pain that we cause to others.
In the back of my mind, I use these mistakes as ways to justify holding myself back and telling myself at I do not deserve to I've a happy life, saying yes to what I want.
So I can use this as a beginning. I think maybe I could not let it go be abuse I did not have a deep understanding of why I did that so I could not guarantee that I would not do it again.
But with understanding and practicing self management I can put myself in situations that may in the past cause fear of engulfing and loss of self and I can make different choices. 💯
Thank you Heidi! ❤
Thank you! You just saved me from inadvertently messing with someone´s mind.
I am rewatching your series on Attachment theory from the beginning so that i can take notes and create a self-help guide on healing attachment wounds for myself. this series is so helpful. i cant thank u enough heidi!!
Thank you so much for all your insight and compassion! I have been working on healing my anxious attachment tendencies for a while it feels like, but only really trying for the past two months or so and it's so FREAKING HARD and TEDIOUS (sometimes) and a lottle bit painful! But your model of patience and love for yourself on your journey has been super inspiring. So thank you!!!!
It is truly the hardest, most tedious and most challenging self-work I've ever done. With the greatest reward. I hope you're proud of yourself for all of the work you're putting into the process - long before the major results start pouring in, a strong and stable sense of self-trust begins to build and that's an incredible reward in and of itself. Which is to say, you may already be further along than you think you are. ❤️
Applaud to you! Your videos are so incisive and you articulate thoughts and ideas very well! I've really grown to love them. Thank you for making such great works!
Me: I wonder if there are strengths to attachment styles...
Heidi: I have a video for you.
Me: Oh no.
lol I was obsessed with a DA man and my first thoughts were, "How do i use attachment theory to win him over and get him to like me more" And "How can I change my personality into the personality he'd like" which is obviously not good.
Big caveat when dating anyone really. Shifting the focus on whether you like them, not making them like you ❤️
Thank you so much, learning about attachment has made me believe I can get better❤ All my life I played different roles, I learned that I was safe and wouldn't get in trouble if I was who people wanted/needed me to be. I lost myself totally, now I'm trying to get back to the "me" that's been hidden all these years. It also felt safer to be a false self, then it wouldn't really be me they rejected. I'm trusting carefully step by step now. While I try not to get too demotivated by setbacks, even when something goes wrong I'm learning 😅 If you read this, whoever you are I wish you inner strength and a joyous future ✨️
I really liked this video, because it talks about how to balance responsibility and self care, instead of only focusing on one which usually leads to unbalanced results (swinging between selfishness and selflessness)
Love your videos and the insight on every one of them.
I've been struggling with a relationship for a couple of years, where everything is going smoothly at first, until my girlfriend starts to drift apart and becoming more and more distant from our relashionship, and then that, i begin to try to find out the reasons why and giving increasing signs that I'm worried about what's going on, and maybe putting a bit of a pressure on top of it. And this is a recurring situation, as we have in and out of our relashionship for quite a few times.
She invariably says she needs some time to sort herself out and that she gets the feeling that she doesn't need someone in her life, and also that doesn't believe she's worthy of someone caring and loving her that way, and leaving me in an almost emotional void, not giving any signs of her feelings.
And me, I'm relaxed as long as everything is right and we stay connected, but at the first warning sign, i get anxious if it could be the same situation or she finally had enough of trying and is definitely giving up.
Could this be the case of me beeing the Anxious type and her more of the Avoidant one?
We are now going through that again, the only difference is this time she still asks me to come over her place but there's a lack of closeness and intimacy nevertheless.
From your videos I can find some very good resembles in the way we get to connect over time, witch means that I could, in a fairly confident way assume we could fit in those categories. Having some ideia on how to cope with that person and myself included, would be a good starting point.
It's a situation that leads to a lots of emotional and physical stress and everytime gets to be harder to find the will to fight the way through it.
Hi! Thank you so much for your videos! They truly help me :-) I have a question.... If you have the impression that a person around you has a certain attachment style and that may be a reason for certain argument situations, is it okay to tell them / educate them about that or would that be inappropriate? :) Others are welcome to tell me about their point of view too! Thank you so much!
Thanks!!!! This is very helpful
Thanks for this video! "When you know better you have a responsibility to do better" is a quote I try to tell people when I let them know the truth about the meat, dairy, and egg industries as a vegan animal rights activist. It's also a value I live by and the world would be a better place if everyone did
Thank you!🙏
Thank you!
Omg can you do one of these for MBTI. I will share it regularly lol
Thanks
Thank uou
I have a bunch of mental disorders and 2x insecure attachment. Not sure if you considered the possibility yet. I guess the main way of changing attachment styles is moving toward security.
Is attachment theory the opposite and problem focused approach to alpha and sigma characteristics?
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