I’m a Fearful Attachment Style whose definitely picked up and continuing to grow into a Secure Attachment Style. I create boundaries and speak up when they are crossed. I give people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning of relationships unless the patterns are consistent . I no longer make what people are going though about me. I’ve accepted recently I cannot and will no longer compromise myself in ways I don’t benefit from. I’m learning not to internalize things personally anymore. So yes I’m on my way to becoming healthy and secure.
I highly recommend watching this in its entirety. I keep coming back to this over and over. Here is the 10-points list for those of us who are working to recognize secure behavior in ourselves and others. So grateful for this "map" and all of Heidi's generous work. 1. Asking for and receiving help feels very comfortable and natural for you 2. You don’t take everything personally 3. You consciously adapt your approach to different relationships 4. You prefer to approach conflict calmly and directly 5. You are comfortable in and out of relationships 6. You feel empathy without getting overwhelmed by it 7. You set personal and collaborative goals easily 8. You’re comfortable depending/relying on loved ones 9. Conflict feels uncomfortable but tolerable 10. You describe other people in a balanced way
Fuck. Literally none of this is me. Just found out I’m anxious avoidant working with my therapist and I feel very discouraged at ever being capable of love.
@@tynce563don’t feel discouraged, many people have overcome insecure attachment styles. It’s a journey, you could find ways to measure and feel good about your progress. Sending you love, whoever and wherever you are fellow human!
Thanks for typing this out! Relieved to realise, I'm further along than I thought, but also daunted at all that is still left to work on. Especially the empathy thing; I feel others way too clearly, it can be really exhausting that I don't know how to switch that off. Guess I will start looking into that now :)
#1: asking for and receiving help feels natural #2: you don’t take other people’s bad mood personally #3: you consciously adapt your approach to different relationships #4: you prefer to approach conflict calmly and directly #5: you’re comfortable being inside and outside a relationship #6: you feel empathy without feeling overwhelmed #7: you can set personal and collaborative goals easily #8: you are comfortable depending on loved ones #9: conflict feels uncomfortable but tolerable #10: you describe other people in a balanced way
I absolutely recognize that I have an avoidant attachment style. However, thanks to this video I can see a few areas where I've grown more secure, areas where I can see myself working on now, and some blind spots that really feel uncomfortable to work on. Definitely worth rewatching in the future.
Good video. My partner and I are both secure attachment style. We've been together for 11 years now and I relate heavily to your explanations of all 10 points to a great degree. I've definitely been burned in the past. It's not my relationship right now is absolutely perfect, but it doesn't need to be. She has her life, I have mine and we have one together. I see "the relationship" as kind of its own entity that's merged with us, is a result of us being together, but also separate in the sense that she needs to have her identity and space, I need to have my identity and space and it's something we work on together and separately. I have my roles and responsibilities clearly laid out, she has hers, and we've got a routine that we have established over the years.
I'm sure it's a very peaceful and healthy relationship... Never experienced that myself but maybe one day (if I ever move past my current desire to stay single 😆)
I'm actually pretty secure!! I've always thought something was wrong with me but listening to you, I've realised that most stuff I've been criticized for as a kid(even by those """healthy"" attachment people) is normal!!!
I’m secure and I like learning about attachment theory so I can better my emotional intelligence and support my loved ones when they are struggling with their attachment issues.
Thank you, I'm a securely attached and it's difficult to find information about this type of attachment and especially on how we STRUGGLE when we are in a relationship with an insecurely attached partner.
Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment . I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)
Heidi sounds like a psychologist with a masters! She's very easy to understand and straight to the point in her explanations of attachment styles in comparison to others on RUclips! Her examples are relatable and reinforces the idea she wants us to grasp! I'm so thankful for her videos! My goal is to learn/put into effect each of her videos. I'm sending her videos and recommending her to all my friends!
Well isn't she? I'm not very good with the American terminology for science but her page says she graduated from an university with a degree in psychology.
Worth listening to more than once. I've been too hard on myself. I'm actually checking boxes for secure now! If boundaries are not honored with extreme anxious style, i become exhausted, feel smothered. I can state my boundaries, but need to enforce them with cinsequences. We can't change ither people. Feeling relieved.
Heidi, you have such an amazing gift. The way you describe and talk about attachment styles makes sense. You are not critical or judgemental towards the styles either. You just basically say, it is what it is and this is the way to deal with it. I look forward to each of your videos and really appreciate the time and effort you put into making them. You are truly passionate about delivering this information in an easy to palate way. Thank you. ❤️
Security isn’t perfection. But I didn’t realize how close I have come to earning security. I asked for this. And I didn’t understand how far I’ve come. Thank you for your work. It’s meaningful and well done.
Sometimes people that haven’t met themselves this deeply will try to say you are doing the unhealthy things. But when you are secure, you can take advice as helpful feedback, but ultimately learn to listen to your own voice first and foremost.
I had a very difficult childhood and have worked for years to heal. I have been trying to determine my attachment style for a week now and have only had fleeting recognition of some of the explanations but all from experiences that happened years ago. Nothing was resonating with my experience now. I am overjoyed to discover that I relate to literally every example you just provided. I am earned secure! Thank you!
Glad I've fallen down the rabbit hole that is this channel. Very interesting hearing about these different types of attachments so directly and easy to follow. Also, Internet creeper coming in. I find your voice and mannerisms really cute.
This video helped me to realize I actually have a secure attachment style! Have to be grateful to my parents who employed emotionally conscious methods when raising me (not sure how to phrase it). Dealt with a “situation-ship” recently where I’d always initiate ‘uncomfortable’ conversations about the changing dynamic, with a fearful avoidant, who would always say “oh no they’re no issues.” But when we get into it there was actually always an issue underneath their nonchalance. Anyway, after trying to make that work with their goalposts constantly shifting, I just said time to pull back but not completely ice them out.
Heidi, the amount of data you can carry and work with off the cuff in real time is wild. You make these segments seem effortless. Great job! I feel more secure :)
This is the BEST explanation of the secure attachment style in relation to fear avoidants and dismissive avoidants that I have seen. It shows me that I myself have progressed and where I could be better. I am more secure now but it has taken years to get here. I still work on asking for help at times but not as much as in the past.
These videos have helped me kinda take the final step towards having a more secure attachment style, I’ve slowly been making my way towards it over the past 5 or so years and i know i had a somewhat anxious to fearful avoidant attachment style and participated in quite a bit of limerent behavoir. And now that I’ve been able to put labels and really see what I’ve been working on and where I’m going in a well organized way that makes me feel normal and not have shame over how i have been before. I still experience some anxious and avoidant thoughts but I’ve really learned to take the time and figure out how they mesh and how to work with them to make desiscions from my wise mind!
Wow.. I originally thought I was avoidant, because of my relationships w/ anxiously attached people, but just realized that I’m really secure. There are only certain people in my life that bring out that side of me but for the most part I do have a healthy approach with my relationships.
Heidi, I'm so glad you started doing more videos about secure attachment style. It shows me that I am (and have been) earning some aspects of the secure style already l, that I wasn't really aware of. Thank you!
It was reassuring to see a few pieces of myself in this video. Makes me feel like I have bits and pieces of security to build upon instead of starting from a place of total insecurity.
Watching this and reflecting on my life and relationships i can see that i lean towards secure attachment that was earned by doing my own inner work, but i still have aspects of all of the insecure attachment styles i need to work on, when im feeling insecure about finances or having doubts in as the role of a provider, i begin to slide back into insecure attachment styles and project my needs onto people that are not capable of meeting them. Thank you heidi your work is a goldmine for self reflection and personal development.
Totally agree with this! As a Licensed Therapist myself I often need to help bring education around Secure Attachment style and how we can obtain later in life even if we had one fo the Insecure in childhood!
Do you think that it can also go the other way around? If someone is already securely attached can they slip into insecure attachment styles depending on the situation with someone or lifestyle changes and so on? I believe self-regulation is a life long responsibility on oneself.
Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment . I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)
This video was so affirming as a lifelong avoidant! I’m not 10 for 10 but 7/10 is pretty damn good if I say so myself!!! The three I’m not counting I feel have to do a lot more with my personality more than my attachment style. I’m an INFJ lol. It’s taken a lot of work and I started to feel hopeless as a lot of the online discourse on attachment theory-specifically on avoidants- feels more alienating/shaming than helpful. It feels so good to know I’ve crossed into the secure territory. It’s peaceful here❤
That's excellent. A lot of people who initially seem to present as Avoidant turn out to be dark triad, immensely personality disordered human spiders. Hence the unfair mischaracterization. No one who is actively interested in how they're showing up for themselves or other people is likely to be a sociopath or narcissist or what have you.
Me 30 seconds in: THANK YOU!! I rarely hear anything about people with secure attachment! I just had a relationship with someone who said they had abandonment issues and I was trying to work out what went wrong after the break up and started learning more about attachment styles. I feel like I am, & test as secure, but I’m trying to learn more so I can navigate any future dating/relationships with a different level of understanding for what people may be going through.
Thank you. These videos are very informative. I am one who is/has earned my secure attachment. And it has been very freeing. Now I am on a path to help others find this. Your videos will help me in informing those I love as well That's continue to help me on my journey to make sure I stay in my secure attached mindset. ❤
Heidi, your videos resonate too much with me! This one and the previous one about "10 Signs That You May Have An Anxiously Attached Style". Thanks to you I have done so much work on my own, and with a therapist, on figuring out how I am behaving towards others and why I am behaving that way. You rock! I will continue to follow your channel for more help and insight on attachment styles and interpersonal behavior patterns.
I was anxious attachment due to emotional abuse and neglect. I came along way on my journey and managed to accept and understand my parents weren’t perfect, did their best and I’m still grateful I wasn’t put into care as that could have been much worse. I believe I’ve managed to forge myself a secure attachment but still working through some issues related to my stepmother who was by far my biggest nemesis. I’ve accepted that she projected her stuff onto me but sometimes need to remind myself of this and that my past isn’t my present and will never be my future as long as I continue to heal ❤ I feel thankful that it doesn’t cause major issues in my love life also. Great video! Thank you 😊
Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment . I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help (empathetic and caring) when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)
What a great video, Thank you! You have a knack for delivering information that is to understand. And thank you for making the point that securely attached people may have had difficult pasts that allowed them to develop into secure attachment. It can be learned & does not always come naturally or from a healthy past.
I’m so grateful and happy to have this be my attachment style, thank you to my parents, I will be just like them when I have children too. Being in the middle, having a balance is the route to a peaceful mind and life
I am securely attached. Many toxic narcissists and insecure people are trying to enforce themselves on me to apologise for them by smearing and triangulation . I know it’s because they never accept reality or adult communication. So i just rise in my boundaries and leave them behind.
Thanks. Broke up with a very DA, which made me feel anxious. I was concerned I was an AP, but after watching a few vids about APs and this one, Im glad to know I am mostly secure. Thanks!
Thank you! I agree this attachment style isn't really talked about 🤧 i identify more with this style. So thank you again! Edit: also, what you're saying about conflict at the end is like the reason why I was always such a good mediator with my parents when having disagreements 😅 that and the fact that I'm a parentified child. My mom is insecure anxious/preoccupied, and my dad is fearful avoidant. I'm proud of both of them for raising me to be a securely attached person 😅.... Bravo to them 👏🏾
Not saying it’s your experience, but I thought I’m fully secure as well but as time went on, I realised I’m probably a mix of SA/FA leaning AA. It’s just that my hopeful nature and inner spirit made me feel like I might be secure because I did/do want to be. It’s a whole spectrum.. if someone was parentified as a child (as I was) with insecurely attached parents, then the chances of them being continuous secure (vs earned) is low. I did conflict resolution too but it was more for my safety albeit it came from a subconscious place at the time. Good thing is we can change our attachment style if we work at it. Personal Development School by Thais Gibson is a great resource.
Wow, amazing to know that's possible. Parentified child - ooo, right! There's a group of us out there.... I was not securely attached though, I had to learn.
@@rpaafourever7908 do you know ur primary cognitive functions? Just interested with the way you had described yourself. Wondering if that's Se or a feeling function.
I found all of this very familiar, being lucky enough to walk around with a secure attachment style. For me, conflict isn't even a "necessary evil" - I think respectful, nonviolent conflict is just plain necessary. Repair is a huge part of intimacy, and you don't get that without rupture. Differences are a fact, and if there's no conflict it means either someone doesn't care or is making themselves too small - it spooks me to be in a relationship for long without any conflict. Nonviolent, respectful conflict with a lot of I statements and an upper limit of one shouting match per year, that's a "necessary good" in my view
Thank you for posting about 'secure attachment style' then explaining how it compares with other attachment styles and giving specific examples. I found this very helpful.
Choosing partners who ALIGN 100% with your values could be an anxious and avoidant way of picking a partner. I think we have to discuss what our priorities and our values are annually and learn how to be in relation with others while in relation to ourselves. We don't have to have the same values. One partner could value spending more time with family, while the other values spending more time creating alone. Being mindful of what fills the others cup, ie. (Love Language). We can also think we have the same values and priorities (FOREVER). Assuming someone should align with your values 100% is unrealistic, communicate each individuals values and priorities in life ANNUALLY because they change as we grow. I am in a relationship with an avoidant, I lean more on the anxious side. Communicating needs and values that have changed has been our biggest struggles but leaning in and learning why things change is important too.
I have a secure attachment style. I find interesting im an intj. Im not emotional . I dont let my life be dictated by emotions. Logic always wins. I choose head over heart. Ps. My needs were not met as a child. My parents were neglectful. BUT i HEALED MY INNER CHILD . i understood WHY they were like that ( they were emotionally immature, overwhelmed with 3 kids, poor and incompatible) . I have a great relationship now with them now. Self love is extremely important. Seeking help if emotionally traumetized.
If you don’t mind, how did you shift yourself into a more logical mindset and what kind of thought processes do you use to not let emotions take over? I want to work on this aspect of myself
this video is pretty life changing for me. I always felt incomplete without a romantic relationship, even while knowing that that kind of desperation just makes it harder to connect. But hearing that a healthy person is pretty much themselves in, and out, of a relationship is mind blowing
You will be proud of me! I overcame my avoidant attachment style and subscribed to your channel! ;) Having watched a few of your videos, I think it may be possible for me to become an "earned secure style", even though I feel quite comfortable where I am. To be the best me and achieve my dreams of having a positive impact on others, I need to learn how to easily ask for help. I love your videos... with one trivial complaint / suggestion: the circular light source that you use is reflected in the center of your eyes. You may want to experiment with different lighting. That said, you're a very lovely woman... and your videos are a service to humanity... so thanks for all you do! :)
Attachment styles are fluid based on patterns and habitual processes. A secure attachment can become more avoidant or anxious, depending on a partner, if they let themselves lose their own perspective and boundaries in a relationship because of the emotions. But I'd think it's not super common unless they've been played pretty badly. Someone going from secure to insecure attachment may have encountered a hardcore charismatic and manipulative narcissist at a weak point in life.
Thank you, Heidi. You explained the styles sooo well. I'm full-blown insecure attachment in recovery. I didn't notice until this video how true it is that I feel innocent in these situations. Also understand now how my avoidant partner saw things and why his responses to me were often so dismissive. So grateful to finally wake up and to be developing a secure style ❤
As much as I tried to not think of it in relation to work, becoming more aware of my attachment style helped me manage my expectations with my (secure, showing signs of avoidant)director at work. Working closely with someone professionally can parallel a romantic or close friend relationship. I never paid attention to this at previous jobs because I intentionally didn’t want to get attached to coworkers. But it was different when I landed my dream job because for the first time, I cared. And boy, as an anxious-avoidant, this was a ride.
Thanks for sharing another excellent video. I've started to notice that I'm seeing people in a more nuanced way. I'm also handling conflict better. There's more work to do but I'm on my way to being securely attached! 😆
This was amazingly insightful. I could relate to all of these. Over the years I have been confused as to some of the behaviors of my previous partners.Since identifying their attachment styles, I am more aware of why we differed in our approaches. I have had long term relationships with people with both anxious and disorganized attachment. And as you explained, I have made conscious efforts to adjust to their needs. However, going forward, I would prefer being with someone with secure attachment, as all of that "adjusting" can take its toll. (enfj here)
Wow, I'm so glad I found your channel Heidi. Thanks for showing me I'm on the right path, healing and not nearly as avoidant as I thought myself to be. I'm really grateful for your style, your great comparisons and in depth analysis of human behavior. Thank you.
The reason I would like to hear as much as possible about the secure attachment style is because I am a fearful avoidant seeking to move toward earned secure. I am seeing a great Therapist 2 x per month because that’s what I can afford. So learning on-line about how to get healthy and closer to earned secure truly is a life saver. Hearing as much as possible about secure helps me have a target to shoot for. Thank you so much .
I definitely love this but also feel like the timing for ‘being away from someone’ definitely shouldn’t be a week, but I know it depends on the person. I just know a lot of people who would be hurt by that or would pull away too. Depends on the person but worth saying. I appreciated how in depth this sounded though thank you!
Ok!! This was so very Awesome to me!! Because , I was abused in my childhood and I have most definitely been the anxiously attached style, but this has given me much hope bc I know I have been on the path of overcoming! And I have learned so much in learning my own worth and forgiving others and realizing that even the most idealists are just plain people like me! Thankyou so much!!
Helpful content.. especially when your looking forward to a relationship in the future. Good healthy attachments to make it last and to be proud of..thank you
Watching this is so affirming! I just got ghosted by someone I now realize was likely F.A. I am still anxiously attached but watching this I realize that I’ve come SO far in how I behave in relationships.
Thank you for making one about thr secure attachment style!! Have been thinking I relate to this type the most but there aren’t really much videos on this.
Wow. You speak so well and authentic. I'm new to this channel and have gone through some other channels dealing with attachment styles. I must say this video resonated so much. Thanks for this awesome video. Much love!
Thanks for this video. It gives me great hopes. I used to be very anxiously attached and enmeshed with everyone, but this video made me realize I'm ALREADY secure in my friendships right now. So I'm very confident that I can totally learn and adjust my way to being secure in romantic relationships as well, which is the bane of my existence as friendships used to be
Watching this makes me think I'm on the road to a secure attachment but am not there yet fully. I have developed a lot of these characteristics with most people, but I still get triggered sometimes and go back... Or if someone close has an insecure attachment sometimes I go backwards a little.
This was the most useful video I've watched about attachment styles and now I realize that secure attached people don't have horns and tails, they are just the normal people with more flexibility when they are dealing with their issues with their partners..
This is a great video, thanks for sharing. I feel secure alone and in a relationship EXCEPT I keep meeting Avoidant men. At first I am able to be assertive and state my needs but as time wears on, not only do they seem to do the opposite of what I need (making me sorry I told them in the first place) but I also start to feel fear in sharing anything I’m going through or what I need. It’s like their passivity makes me more passive; I start to lose myself in the relationship. That’s when I end it. I wish more people would work on themselves. I hate that I tend to be pulled backwards in my healing journey around people who refuse to work on their healing!!! 💜
I find this amazing. So many people focus on the insecurity of others in their attachment, but then probably don't talk about secure because, well, secure is secure. Far easier to talk about what people struggle with than where they should aim to be, plus, I guess it's far more interesting to talk about what insecurities and their negatives than to speak about a positive norm. However, this is how I learn from myself better. For me my insecurities are the norm. I learn better when someone is voicing what I should strive for rather than talk about who I shouldn't be. Sometimes I don't know how to become better, I need to know what better looks like for me to evolve.
These videos are amazing - I love how you discuss it. I do find that i was looking for a deep dive into JUST secure style in this video, but you are auto programed to discuss each of the 4 styles each time ! ha ha! the comparisons are great, but I came to this video hoping to see and hear all the secure traits so I could align and know that yep this is me ! :-) thanks Heidi !
Amazing, cannot believe how much quantity and quality information was expressed in such conscise terms. Each word played off the other and the precision of the message expressed cut through a plate of steel. In my case, this information is pertinant to implementing policy dependent upon other people's assistance. It can help provide guidance to noticing emotionally triggers, determining when to step back or utilize a different approach.
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone who I see now was very anxiously attached. When we first started dating I was very much in a secure attachment place after having worked on myself for a year following a previous relationship where I was the anxiously attached one. After 2 years things started to go downhill and I shifted into anxious and avoidant tendencies and in the end broke off this relationship due to the stress. This video of what secure attachment is gives me huge hope for how I can become that again and what to look for in future relationships. I have watched her other attachment style videos and learned about John Gottman’s 4 horsemen of a relationship and this combo gives me so much hope for better relationships moving forward. I now know what is healthy and what to avoid.
I'm so thankful for videos like this as I work through my healing. You reach a realization that you don't really know HOW to function as a healthy person
This was the final of the four 10 signs videos. I got 10/10 on dismissive avoidant, 1/10 each on fearful avoidant and anxious (a couple of half points on both) The first three I felt had pretty concise points that was pretty easy to determine if fit me or not. This one, however felt more vague or general, so I think I could give myself anywhere from 0 to 5 out of 10 points on the secure attachment style. That said, I think it's pretty overwhelmingly clear what attachment style I am :P
Holy healing powers, Batman! This section on Comfort was a HUGE eye-opener for me as someone with a few (or a lot) of Fearful Avoidant and Anxious traits.
Good job, Heidi! I was fortunate since my family life was excellent. My mother was truly the loving, balanced caregiver. So, I can relate to all you said. I'm secure. I feel sorry for the other styles. Life for them must be challenging.
Gracias for your thoughtful description of the secure style. I would consider myself to be one , but I can see some of those anxious qualities too. I was with my avoidant partner for 45 years, married for 23 of them! He would retreat into his musical practice where he couldn't be disturbed. Now that I'm a widow I find that I'm attracted to another avoidant man ,even though he expresses it differently. Definitely going to work on what I need ....Adios from Mexico!
Funny… I was trying to explain to my therapist how I feel when people around me have a lot of negative emotion or conflict. And that I feel it. And it makes me uncomfortable and that I want to fix it or leave. Makes sense now….he definitely got my attachment style correct.
Thank you.. I was looking for this explanation for weeks... I was in a relationship with an avoidant... And I was secure... I was never afraid to share my emotions and my boundaries... And of course I tried to understand his perspective and behavior.. I gave him space whenever it needed.. But at the end I left him.. Because the relationship didn't fulfill my needs and it was of course a very calm and respectful conversation by my side but unfortunately it wasn't the same by his side... But didn't take anything personal
I was originally told I was avoidant, however understanding more I now know I am more secure. With that person I did avoid some arguments but only because they were meaningless arguments over thing that should not have become what they did. I was also confident in that if these continued I would be ending the relationship and that's exactly what happened.
I'm much more secure than I used to be. Relationships are a good and natural part of life and because of the CPTDS work I've done, I have less anxiety and more desire to carry on a healthy dialogue with partners.
I’m a Fearful Attachment Style whose definitely picked up and continuing to grow into a Secure Attachment Style. I create boundaries and speak up when they are crossed. I give people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning of relationships unless the patterns are consistent . I no longer make what people are going though about me. I’ve accepted recently I cannot and will no longer compromise myself in ways I don’t benefit from. I’m learning not to internalize things personally anymore. So yes I’m on my way to becoming healthy and secure.
Well done.
I am so happy for you!
You are awesome!
I'm Grateful for this I have faith I will be on my way
Goals! Inspiring, thank you❤
I highly recommend watching this in its entirety. I keep coming back to this over and over. Here is the 10-points list for those of us who are working to recognize secure behavior in ourselves and others. So grateful for this "map" and all of Heidi's generous work.
1. Asking for and receiving help feels very comfortable and natural for you
2. You don’t take everything personally
3. You consciously adapt your approach to different relationships
4. You prefer to approach conflict calmly and directly
5. You are comfortable in and out of relationships
6. You feel empathy without getting overwhelmed by it
7. You set personal and collaborative goals easily
8. You’re comfortable depending/relying on loved ones
9. Conflict feels uncomfortable but tolerable
10. You describe other people in a balanced way
Agree! Thank you for typing out list!😀
4/10! 😅
Fuck. Literally none of this is me. Just found out I’m anxious avoidant working with my therapist and I feel very discouraged at ever being capable of love.
@@tynce563don’t feel discouraged, many people have overcome insecure attachment styles. It’s a journey, you could find ways to measure and feel good about your progress. Sending you love, whoever and wherever you are fellow human!
Thanks for typing this out! Relieved to realise, I'm further along than I thought, but also daunted at all that is still left to work on. Especially the empathy thing; I feel others way too clearly, it can be really exhausting that I don't know how to switch that off. Guess I will start looking into that now :)
#1: asking for and receiving help feels natural
#2: you don’t take other people’s bad mood personally
#3: you consciously adapt your approach to different relationships
#4: you prefer to approach conflict calmly and directly
#5: you’re comfortable being inside and outside a relationship
#6: you feel empathy without feeling overwhelmed
#7: you can set personal and collaborative goals easily
#8: you are comfortable depending on loved ones
#9: conflict feels uncomfortable but tolerable
#10: you describe other people in a balanced way
I love when people recap!!! Thank you!!
Iiš😊😊@@brianguillen8988
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I absolutely recognize that I have an avoidant attachment style. However, thanks to this video I can see a few areas where I've grown more secure, areas where I can see myself working on now, and some blind spots that really feel uncomfortable to work on. Definitely worth rewatching in the future.
Good video. My partner and I are both secure attachment style. We've been together for 11 years now and I relate heavily to your explanations of all 10 points to a great degree. I've definitely been burned in the past. It's not my relationship right now is absolutely perfect, but it doesn't need to be. She has her life, I have mine and we have one together. I see "the relationship" as kind of its own entity that's merged with us, is a result of us being together, but also separate in the sense that she needs to have her identity and space, I need to have my identity and space and it's something we work on together and separately. I have my roles and responsibilities clearly laid out, she has hers, and we've got a routine that we have established over the years.
Excellent. This is my goal. It's lovely to know that it's possible. Thank you for the share. ❤❤❤❤
I'm sure it's a very peaceful and healthy relationship... Never experienced that myself but maybe one day (if I ever move past my current desire to stay single 😆)
I'm actually pretty secure!! I've always thought something was wrong with me but listening to you, I've realised that most stuff I've been criticized for as a kid(even by those """healthy"" attachment people) is normal!!!
Same!!
I thought not being perfect = insecure attachment style
Sign 0: you're not watching tons of videos on attachment theory.
Lol yes 🤣
Not necessarily. Watching these videos helps me maintain my recovery so that I don't backslide.
Or you have children and you want to know on a psychologist point of view if you’ve raised them emotionally secure
I’m secure and I like learning about attachment theory so I can better my emotional intelligence and support my loved ones when they are struggling with their attachment issues.
😭😭
Thank you, I'm a securely attached and it's difficult to find information about this type of attachment and especially on how we STRUGGLE when we are in a relationship with an insecurely attached partner.
You ttly might be avoidant...
Yes. Setting and ENFORCING boundaries is essential to cut an umbilical cord!
Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment . I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)
Heidi sounds like a psychologist with a masters! She's very easy to understand and straight to the point in her explanations of attachment styles in comparison to others on RUclips! Her examples are relatable and reinforces the idea she wants us to grasp! I'm so thankful for her videos! My goal is to learn/put into effect each of her videos. I'm sending her videos and recommending her to all my friends!
Yes, I agree, but!
Those with Masters and PhDs are book smart.
Heidi has walked the talk! ❤❤❤
It's like attending a masterclass. She's a pretty amazing communicator.
Well isn't she? I'm not very good with the American terminology for science but her page says she graduated from an university with a degree in psychology.
Worth listening to more than once. I've been too hard on myself. I'm actually checking boxes for secure now! If boundaries are not honored with extreme anxious style, i become exhausted, feel smothered. I can state my boundaries, but need to enforce them with cinsequences. We can't change ither people. Feeling relieved.
Heidi, you have such an amazing gift.
The way you describe and talk about attachment styles makes sense. You are not critical or judgemental towards the styles either. You just basically say, it is what it is and this is the way to deal with it.
I look forward to each of your videos and really appreciate the time and effort you put into making them. You are truly passionate about delivering this information in an easy to palate way.
Thank you. ❤️
Security isn’t perfection. But I didn’t realize how close I have come to earning security. I asked for this. And I didn’t understand how far I’ve come. Thank you for your work. It’s meaningful and well done.
Me too!!
Sometimes people that haven’t met themselves this deeply will try to say you are doing the unhealthy things. But when you are secure, you can take advice as helpful feedback, but ultimately learn to listen to your own voice first and foremost.
I had a very difficult childhood and have worked for years to heal. I have been trying to determine my attachment style for a week now and have only had fleeting recognition of some of the explanations but all from experiences that happened years ago. Nothing was resonating with my experience now. I am overjoyed to discover that I relate to literally every example you just provided. I am earned secure! Thank you!
Glad I've fallen down the rabbit hole that is this channel. Very interesting hearing about these different types of attachments so directly and easy to follow. Also, Internet creeper coming in. I find your voice and mannerisms really cute.
Thank you for also doing secure attachment. It's easy to overlook as an assumed 'known' thing.
This video helped me to realize I actually have a secure attachment style! Have to be grateful to my parents who employed emotionally conscious methods when raising me (not sure how to phrase it).
Dealt with a “situation-ship” recently where I’d always initiate ‘uncomfortable’ conversations about the changing dynamic, with a fearful avoidant, who would always say “oh no they’re no issues.” But when we get into it there was actually always an issue underneath their nonchalance. Anyway, after trying to make that work with their goalposts constantly shifting, I just said time to pull back but not completely ice them out.
Heidi, the amount of data you can carry and work with off the cuff in real time is wild. You make these segments seem effortless. Great job! I feel more secure :)
This is the BEST explanation of the secure attachment style in relation to fear avoidants and dismissive avoidants that I have seen. It shows me that I myself have progressed and where I could be better. I am more secure now but it has taken years to get here. I still work on asking for help at times but not as much as in the past.
These videos have helped me kinda take the final step towards having a more secure attachment style, I’ve slowly been making my way towards it over the past 5 or so years and i know i had a somewhat anxious to fearful avoidant attachment style and participated in quite a bit of limerent behavoir. And now that I’ve been able to put labels and really see what I’ve been working on and where I’m going in a well organized way that makes me feel normal and not have shame over how i have been before. I still experience some anxious and avoidant thoughts but I’ve really learned to take the time and figure out how they mesh and how to work with them to make desiscions from my wise mind!
I like how you describe things. I feel like I've grown into more of a secure attachment style.
Wow.. I originally thought I was avoidant, because of my relationships w/ anxiously attached people, but just realized that I’m really secure. There are only certain people in my life that bring out that side of me but for the most part I do have a healthy approach with my relationships.
I have all signs of secure attachment. Don't know how I ended up like this but I'm so grateful 💖
Was afraid I had an anxious attachment style before. This video proved me wrong, every sign aligned. Thank you
Heidi, I'm so glad you started doing more videos about secure attachment style. It shows me that I am (and have been) earning some aspects of the secure style already l, that I wasn't really aware of. Thank you!
It was reassuring to see a few pieces of myself in this video. Makes me feel like I have bits and pieces of security to build upon instead of starting from a place of total insecurity.
Watching this and reflecting on my life and relationships i can see that i lean towards secure attachment that was earned by doing my own inner work, but i still have aspects of all of the insecure attachment styles i need to work on, when im feeling insecure about finances or having doubts in as the role of a provider, i begin to slide back into insecure attachment styles and project my needs onto people that are not capable of meeting them.
Thank you heidi your work is a goldmine for self reflection and personal development.
Totally agree with this! As a Licensed Therapist myself I often need to help bring education around Secure Attachment style and how we can obtain later in life even if we had one fo the Insecure in childhood!
Do you think that it can also go the other way around?
If someone is already securely attached can they slip into insecure attachment styles depending on the situation with someone or lifestyle changes and so on?
I believe self-regulation is a life long responsibility on oneself.
Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment . I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)
This video was so affirming as a lifelong avoidant! I’m not 10 for 10 but 7/10 is pretty damn good if I say so myself!!! The three I’m not counting I feel have to do a lot more with my personality more than my attachment style. I’m an INFJ lol. It’s taken a lot of work and I started to feel hopeless as a lot of the online discourse on attachment theory-specifically on avoidants- feels more alienating/shaming than helpful. It feels so good to know I’ve crossed into the secure territory. It’s peaceful here❤
That's excellent. A lot of people who initially seem to present as Avoidant turn out to be dark triad, immensely personality disordered human spiders. Hence the unfair mischaracterization.
No one who is actively interested in how they're showing up for themselves or other people is likely to be a sociopath or narcissist or what have you.
Me 30 seconds in: THANK YOU!! I rarely hear anything about people with secure attachment! I just had a relationship with someone who said they had abandonment issues and I was trying to work out what went wrong after the break up and started learning more about attachment styles. I feel like I am, & test as secure, but I’m trying to learn more so I can navigate any future dating/relationships with a different level of understanding for what people may be going through.
Thank you. These videos are very informative. I am one who is/has earned my secure attachment. And it has been very freeing. Now I am on a path to help others find this. Your videos will help me in informing those I love as well That's continue to help me on my journey to make sure I stay in my secure attached mindset. ❤
Yes. Such an informative video. I want to send it to an insecure, smothering friend, but that would be codependent of me! 😂
Heidi, your videos resonate too much with me! This one and the previous one about "10 Signs That You May Have An Anxiously Attached Style". Thanks to you I have done so much work on my own, and with a therapist, on figuring out how I am behaving towards others and why I am behaving that way. You rock! I will continue to follow your channel for more help and insight on attachment styles and interpersonal behavior patterns.
I was anxious attachment due to emotional abuse and neglect. I came along way on my journey and managed to accept and understand my parents weren’t perfect, did their best and I’m still grateful I wasn’t put into care as that could have been much worse. I believe I’ve managed to forge myself a secure attachment but still working through some issues related to my stepmother who was by far my biggest nemesis. I’ve accepted that she projected her stuff onto me but sometimes need to remind myself of this and that my past isn’t my present and will never be my future as long as I continue to heal ❤ I feel thankful that it doesn’t cause major issues in my love life also. Great video! Thank you 😊
Yea I’m securely attached. Here’s how I express my boundaries : as long as you do not deceive me or betray me , and as long as you are always honest , truthful , trustworthy , respectful , fair and just and you treat me with decency and dignity , you will always have my dedication and commitment .
I am a very understanding person . I realize lots of others suffer emotionally or suffer from a broken self and I’m there to help (empathetic and caring) when I can but when I see a consistency/pattern in crossing my boundaries and they don’t acknowledge it , then I move on. I always give my best but I have my limits. I live by my principles :)
What a great video, Thank you! You have a knack for delivering information that is to understand. And thank you for making the point that securely attached people may have had difficult pasts that allowed them to develop into secure attachment. It can be learned & does not always come naturally or from a healthy past.
I’m so grateful and happy to have this be my attachment style, thank you to my parents, I will be just like them when I have children too. Being in the middle, having a balance is the route to a peaceful mind and life
I am securely attached.
Many toxic narcissists and insecure people are trying to enforce themselves on me to apologise for them by smearing and triangulation . I know it’s because they never accept reality or adult communication. So i just rise in my boundaries and leave them behind.
Thanks. Broke up with a very DA, which made me feel anxious. I was concerned I was an AP, but after watching a few vids about APs and this one, Im glad to know I am mostly secure. Thanks!
Your videos are SO complete and thorough. Thank you for making them!
Thank you! I agree this attachment style isn't really talked about 🤧 i identify more with this style. So thank you again! Edit: also, what you're saying about conflict at the end is like the reason why I was always such a good mediator with my parents when having disagreements 😅 that and the fact that I'm a parentified child. My mom is insecure anxious/preoccupied, and my dad is fearful avoidant. I'm proud of both of them for raising me to be a securely attached person 😅.... Bravo to them 👏🏾
Not saying it’s your experience, but I thought I’m fully secure as well but as time went on, I realised I’m probably a mix of SA/FA leaning AA. It’s just that my hopeful nature and inner spirit made me feel like I might be secure because I did/do want to be. It’s a whole spectrum.. if someone was parentified as a child (as I was) with insecurely attached parents, then the chances of them being continuous secure (vs earned) is low. I did conflict resolution too but it was more for my safety albeit it came from a subconscious place at the time. Good thing is we can change our attachment style if we work at it. Personal Development School by Thais Gibson is a great resource.
Props to your parents for doing their part in breaking the cycle.
Wow, amazing to know that's possible.
Parentified child - ooo, right! There's a group of us out there.... I was not securely attached though, I had to learn.
@@rpaafourever7908 do you know ur primary cognitive functions?
Just interested with the way you had described yourself. Wondering if that's Se or a feeling function.
@@angellombness4371 FiNe.. I'm INFP. I'm 4w3 ennea tritype 468, I don't relate to the dreamy uwu stereotype :)
PHEW! So glad I stumbled on this video. I ticked all the boxes. Am secure. Thank you. Blessings ❤️
I found all of this very familiar, being lucky enough to walk around with a secure attachment style. For me, conflict isn't even a "necessary evil" - I think respectful, nonviolent conflict is just plain necessary. Repair is a huge part of intimacy, and you don't get that without rupture. Differences are a fact, and if there's no conflict it means either someone doesn't care or is making themselves too small - it spooks me to be in a relationship for long without any conflict. Nonviolent, respectful conflict with a lot of I statements and an upper limit of one shouting match per year, that's a "necessary good" in my view
I'm securely attached to my family and friends but not when it comes to romantic relationships. It's quite interesting to notice that.
Thank you for posting about 'secure attachment style' then explaining how it compares with other attachment styles and giving specific examples. I found this very helpful.
Choosing partners who ALIGN 100% with your values could be an anxious and avoidant way of picking a partner. I think we have to discuss what our priorities and our values are annually and learn how to be in relation with others while in relation to ourselves. We don't have to have the same values. One partner could value spending more time with family, while the other values spending more time creating alone.
Being mindful of what fills the others cup, ie. (Love Language). We can also think we have the same values and priorities (FOREVER). Assuming someone should align with your values 100% is unrealistic, communicate each individuals values and priorities in life ANNUALLY because they change as we grow.
I am in a relationship with an avoidant, I lean more on the anxious side. Communicating needs and values that have changed has been our biggest struggles but leaning in and learning why things change is important too.
I have a secure attachment style. I find interesting im an intj. Im not emotional . I dont let my life be dictated by emotions. Logic always wins. I choose head over heart. Ps. My needs were not met as a child. My parents were neglectful. BUT i HEALED MY INNER CHILD . i understood WHY they were like that ( they were emotionally immature, overwhelmed with 3 kids, poor and incompatible) . I have a great relationship now with them now. Self love is extremely important. Seeking help if emotionally traumetized.
If you don’t mind, how did you shift yourself into a more logical mindset and what kind of thought processes do you use to not let emotions take over? I want to work on this aspect of myself
this video is pretty life changing for me. I always felt incomplete without a romantic relationship, even while knowing that that kind of desperation just makes it harder to connect. But hearing that a healthy person is pretty much themselves in, and out, of a relationship is mind blowing
Heidi, great job covering this subject matter....
You will be proud of me! I overcame my avoidant attachment style and subscribed to your channel! ;) Having watched a few of your videos, I think it may be possible for me to become an "earned secure style", even though I feel quite comfortable where I am. To be the best me and achieve my dreams of having a positive impact on others, I need to learn how to easily ask for help. I love your videos... with one trivial complaint / suggestion: the circular light source that you use is reflected in the center of your eyes. You may want to experiment with different lighting. That said, you're a very lovely woman... and your videos are a service to humanity... so thanks for all you do! :)
Can attachment styles reverse? You grew up secure but grew into another insecure attachment?
Attachment styles are fluid based on patterns and habitual processes. A secure attachment can become more avoidant or anxious, depending on a partner, if they let themselves lose their own perspective and boundaries in a relationship because of the emotions.
But I'd think it's not super common unless they've been played pretty badly.
Someone going from secure to insecure attachment may have encountered a hardcore charismatic and manipulative narcissist at a weak point in life.
Omg! I’m fearful avoidant and secure, with some anxious attachment. Im all screwed up! lol.
Hahaha! I like your honesty!
Securely attached people are kinda intimidating ngl 😂
Thank you, Heidi. You explained the styles sooo well. I'm full-blown insecure attachment in recovery. I didn't notice until this video how true it is that I feel innocent in these situations. Also understand now how my avoidant partner saw things and why his responses to me were often so dismissive. So grateful to finally wake up and to be developing a secure style ❤
As much as I tried to not think of it in relation to work, becoming more aware of my attachment style helped me manage my expectations with my (secure, showing signs of avoidant)director at work. Working closely with someone professionally can parallel a romantic or close friend relationship. I never paid attention to this at previous jobs because I intentionally didn’t want to get attached to coworkers. But it was different when I landed my dream job because for the first time, I cared. And boy, as an anxious-avoidant, this was a ride.
Secure here! Unfortunately FA pushed me slightly anxious then avoidant. Getting back to self now. Felt out of body for a min there
Thanks for sharing another excellent video. I've started to notice that I'm seeing people in a more nuanced way. I'm also handling conflict better. There's more work to do but I'm on my way to being securely attached! 😆
This was amazingly insightful. I could relate to all of these. Over the years I have been confused as to some of the behaviors of my previous partners.Since identifying their attachment styles, I am more aware of why we differed in our approaches. I have had long term relationships with people with both anxious and disorganized attachment. And as you explained, I have made conscious efforts to adjust to their needs. However, going forward, I would prefer being with someone with secure attachment, as all of that "adjusting" can take its toll. (enfj here)
Wow, I'm so glad I found your channel Heidi. Thanks for showing me I'm on the right path, healing and not nearly as avoidant as I thought myself to be. I'm really grateful for your style, your great comparisons and in depth analysis of human behavior. Thank you.
Yes. I am recognizing that setting and enforcing boundaries doesn't mean that i am avoidant.
The reason I would like to hear as much as possible about the secure attachment style is because I am a fearful avoidant seeking to move toward earned secure. I am seeing a great Therapist 2 x per month because that’s what I can afford. So learning on-line about how to get healthy and closer to earned secure truly is a life saver. Hearing as much as possible about secure helps me have a target to shoot for. Thank you so much .
I definitely love this but also feel like the timing for ‘being away from someone’ definitely shouldn’t be a week, but I know it depends on the person. I just know a lot of people who would be hurt by that or would pull away too. Depends on the person but worth saying. I appreciated how in depth this sounded though thank you!
A well made video with good information thank you. In the end, all added up to such a depressing video for me personally.
Keep shining your light ✨️
I appreciate this video - noticing where I have grown over the years and what I still need to learn :) ❤ Thanks
Ok!! This was so very Awesome to me!! Because , I was abused in my childhood and I have most definitely been the anxiously attached style, but this has given me much hope bc I know I have been on the path of overcoming! And I have learned so much in learning my own worth and forgiving others and realizing that even the most idealists are just plain people like me! Thankyou so much!!
I’m actually surprised at how many of these I can say yes to! I feel like maybe I’ve made more progress than I thought!
Helpful content.. especially when your looking forward to a relationship in the future. Good healthy attachments to make it last and to be proud of..thank you
I can feel myself healing listening to this, thank you.
This needs to be taught in schools! Any advice on how I can raise my children to have a better shot at being a secure attachment?
Watching this is so affirming! I just got ghosted by someone I now realize was likely F.A.
I am still anxiously attached but watching this I realize that I’ve come SO far in how I behave in relationships.
Thank you for making one about thr secure attachment style!! Have been thinking I relate to this type the most but there aren’t really much videos on this.
Wow. You speak so well and authentic. I'm new to this channel and have gone through some other channels dealing with attachment styles. I must say this video resonated so much. Thanks for this awesome video. Much love!
I've earned full secure attachment! Who knew!! 🎉
Thanks for this video. It gives me great hopes. I used to be very anxiously attached and enmeshed with everyone, but this video made me realize I'm ALREADY secure in my friendships right now. So I'm very confident that I can totally learn and adjust my way to being secure in romantic relationships as well, which is the bane of my existence as friendships used to be
Watching this makes me think I'm on the road to a secure attachment but am not there yet fully. I have developed a lot of these characteristics with most people, but I still get triggered sometimes and go back... Or if someone close has an insecure attachment sometimes I go backwards a little.
This was the most useful video I've watched about attachment styles and now I realize that secure attached people don't have horns and tails, they are just the normal people with more flexibility when they are dealing with their issues with their partners..
This is a great video, thanks for sharing. I feel secure alone and in a relationship EXCEPT I keep meeting Avoidant men. At first I am able to be assertive and state my needs but as time wears on, not only do they seem to do the opposite of what I need (making me sorry I told them in the first place) but I also start to feel fear in sharing anything I’m going through or what I need. It’s like their passivity makes me more passive; I start to lose myself in the relationship. That’s when I end it. I wish more people would work on themselves. I hate that I tend to be pulled backwards in my healing journey around people who refuse to work on their healing!!! 💜
I find this amazing. So many people focus on the insecurity of others in their attachment, but then probably don't talk about secure because, well, secure is secure. Far easier to talk about what people struggle with than where they should aim to be, plus, I guess it's far more interesting to talk about what insecurities and their negatives than to speak about a positive norm. However, this is how I learn from myself better. For me my insecurities are the norm. I learn better when someone is voicing what I should strive for rather than talk about who I shouldn't be. Sometimes I don't know how to become better, I need to know what better looks like for me to evolve.
These videos are amazing - I love how you discuss it. I do find that i was looking for a deep dive into JUST secure style in this video, but you are auto programed to discuss each of the 4 styles each time ! ha ha! the comparisons are great, but I came to this video hoping to see and hear all the secure traits so I could align and know that yep this is me ! :-) thanks Heidi !
Amazing, cannot believe how much quantity and quality information was expressed in such conscise terms. Each word played off the other and the precision of the message expressed cut through a plate of steel. In my case, this information is pertinant to implementing policy dependent upon other people's assistance. It can help provide guidance to noticing emotionally triggers, determining when to step back or utilize a different approach.
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with someone who I see now was very anxiously attached. When we first started dating I was very much in a secure attachment place after having worked on myself for a year following a previous relationship where I was the anxiously attached one. After 2 years things started to go downhill and I shifted into anxious and avoidant tendencies and in the end broke off this relationship due to the stress.
This video of what secure attachment is gives me huge hope for how I can become that again and what to look for in future relationships. I have watched her other attachment style videos and learned about John Gottman’s 4 horsemen of a relationship and this combo gives me so much hope for better relationships moving forward. I now know what is healthy and what to avoid.
I'm so thankful for videos like this as I work through my healing. You reach a realization that you don't really know HOW to function as a healthy person
This was the final of the four 10 signs videos. I got 10/10 on dismissive avoidant, 1/10 each on fearful avoidant and anxious (a couple of half points on both)
The first three I felt had pretty concise points that was pretty easy to determine if fit me or not. This one, however felt more vague or general, so I think I could give myself anywhere from 0 to 5 out of 10 points on the secure attachment style.
That said, I think it's pretty overwhelmingly clear what attachment style I am :P
Heidi this is soooo goooood. Definitely rewatching this on regular basis. Grateful that I can learn all these skills from someone!
Thank you for addressing the secure attachment style. Sometimes, I do think they are "put aside"... 🙂
Holy healing powers, Batman! This section on Comfort was a HUGE eye-opener for me as someone with a few (or a lot) of Fearful Avoidant and Anxious traits.
Securely attached now, finding relating to fearful avoidant very difficult. However, I am drawn to them as I have been one in the past.
Your videos have been so helpful !
Omg, am I for real a securely attached person? It's hard to believe but, according to this list, it sounds like I am. So, I got that goin' for me.
Good job, Heidi! I was fortunate since my family life was excellent. My mother was truly the loving, balanced caregiver. So, I can relate to all you said. I'm secure. I feel sorry for the other styles. Life for them must be challenging.
Where the rubber meets the road...good stuff here. Thank you.
Gracias for your thoughtful description of the secure style. I would consider myself to be one , but I can see some of those anxious qualities too. I was with my avoidant partner for 45 years, married for 23 of them! He would retreat into his musical practice where he couldn't be disturbed. Now that I'm a widow I find that I'm attracted to another avoidant man ,even though he expresses it differently. Definitely going to work on what I need ....Adios from Mexico!
I saw this with my couple and It was beautiful. We both learned from each other and it was beautiful
Funny… I was trying to explain to my therapist how I feel when people around me have a lot of negative emotion or conflict. And that I feel it. And it makes me uncomfortable and that I want to fix it or leave. Makes sense now….he definitely got my attachment style correct.
This was so complete thanks!❤
I wish there were more videos about secure attachment style. More about what they do and how they think etc.
Your channel has been really life changing for me. Thank you ❤
Thank you.. I was looking for this explanation for weeks... I was in a relationship with an avoidant... And I was secure... I was never afraid to share my emotions and my boundaries... And of course I tried to understand his perspective and behavior.. I gave him space whenever it needed.. But at the end I left him.. Because the relationship didn't fulfill my needs and it was of course a very calm and respectful conversation by my side but unfortunately it wasn't the same by his side... But didn't take anything personal
I was originally told I was avoidant, however understanding more I now know I am more secure. With that person I did avoid some arguments but only because they were meaningless arguments over thing that should not have become what they did. I was also confident in that if these continued I would be ending the relationship and that's exactly what happened.
Thank you Heidi
I'm much more secure than I used to be. Relationships are a good and natural part of life and because of the CPTDS work I've done, I have less anxiety and more desire to carry on a healthy dialogue with partners.
Great Video ! introverted Feeling can make this journey murky at times, but introspection helps unravel these different perspectives and layers